Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 127. Eh S'Pointless News

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about ESPN. Also discussed: origin stories, sleeping on buses, bodybuilding robots, synchronizing dreams, safe words, and the opinions of dock workers. Plus we head to Atlanta for a couple missed connections Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hello, this is Congratulations, episode 127. Now listen, babies, I almost, I got back in town last night from, where was I? Knoxville, Tennessee.

Never thought I'd be there, but I was. Well, I often think I'll never be anywhere because of there are the places that people don't go to, but I'm a comedian and I like going to different places, so I can't say I never thought I'd be somewhere anymore because I go to all the places. For instance, Tarrytown and Atlantic City in a few weeks and San Jose and Las Vegas. Now, I want to start off the show by apologizing to Chicago because I have to reschedule those shows because of this big movie that I'm doing over the next few months. And I promise if you are a fan of mine and if you are in Chicago,

I will be there December 30th and 31st. Instead, that was the closest date I could get. It is New Year's Eve. But also, if you're a real fan of mine, you should be excited because this thing that I'm doing is a huge thing, and you'll get to see that too. So you just have to wait a few more months for me to get to Chicago. I'm sorry for rescheduling it.

I tried to do everything I could, and it just is not going to work out. But I will be there in December when it's absolutely freezing. So also I was in Knoxville, and also I was in Chattanooga and also I was in Memphis and also I was in Hoover, Alabama. Uh, I was so, I had gotten sick before that. And then when I did the, oh, also I'm live on the app. Uh, if you want to download my app, you could see the app. You'd see the, the, the, the show live before anyone else. I'm live on the app. If you want to download my app, you can see the app. You can see the show live before anyone else.

I'm doing that right now. I was sick two weeks ago just for a few days, and then my fucking voice went, and I had to do these shows in Hoover. I did two shows in Hoover, and my voice was just gone. I do this part where I was screaming, and it i do my voice was just gone i do these i do this part where i was screaming and it was coming it would come out like and it was just horrible but i did it and uh got through it and then i had to do memphis which dude i know memphis is like one of the most dangerous cities in um um america and for fuck's sake, it sure seems like it.

How about that? You know, you know, in like LA where there's like neighborhoods where you're like, oh, this fucking neighborhood's not, it doesn't seem so bad, but then like a bullet will whiz by your head because it seems like the houses and like

the nice like botany around the shit is like making it nice. But really still, you'll get fucking lit the fuck up if you take a wrong turn or even in new york it like all seems kind of weird and then all of a sudden you wander into the bronx and you're just like in brownsville and you'll get your wig split but um uh yeah memphis is just when you plop down in memphis it seems like you've got a duck i mean dude it's crazy how it looks um and i have buddies that are working on a project there because i guess they're starting to shoot stuff in um in uh in memphis and it's uh it man being

in memphis for a long time and not being from Memphis, that'd be a trip. No knock on Memphis. I mean, the theater was fucking beautiful. I don't remember where I played. But man, if you grow up in Memphis, dude, you're a hardcore motherfucker. At least it seems so. And it turns out it's very dangerous because, well let's look it up right here memphis is just like memphis is all where it's where all that fucking it's like the first 48 it's always

like in west memphis a guy was killed or uh three days they've got eight minutes to find out otherwise it'll be much harder because of 48 hours will pass i love how they try to make it a show um even though it's like not actually technically in hollywood they always try to make the show they always try to make the thing oh great i put i hit install on my fucking mac by mistake. So, all right, cool. In Hollywood, they're like, yeah, but what's the show? What makes it a show, you know? And the first 48, they were like, there's no way they didn't pitch it. But like, well, in the first 48, it's known for detectives,

if they don't catch somebody in the first 48 hours, it's like amplified so much harder to get the guy, which is sure for true. But it's like, dude, if you get it in the 49th hour, it's also okay, you know? But they act like it's like a time clock when there's not a time clock. I used to have this joke that I cut out of my act because Tom Segura had a similar one. It was just one line that I would say something about how, like, if you don't catch somebody in the first 48 hours, they are, I don't remember it at this point. I'm sure Tom's is funnier but um it was about how like then the guy gets away and you can't get him or whatever the fuck it was mine was stupid but um

so uh they uh but yeah that's so like as i'm sure detectives are like yeah we sometimes we got the guys in 54 hours and it's fine but But anyway, it's always like in Memphis. Here, let's see Memphis. Let's just Google Memphis Tennessee Danger. Dangerous neighborhoods. Dude, I used to look up this shit

probably because I grew up like in nice neighborhoods. I would just like, it would fascinate me. I'd look at like worst neighborhoods in America. Here's the bad neighborhoods in Memphis, Shelby Forest, Frazier, Parkway Village, Oak Haven. I mean, that sounds dangerous. Downtown, okay, of course, White Haven, Coral Lake, Burklair, Highland Heights, Heights, anything with Heights in it. What is that all about? Anything with Heights. It could be Beverly Hills Heights and all of a sudden, boom, more guns

and people getting their wigs split. Dude, when I was a kid, I used to think that fucking getting your wigs split was the funniest fucking way to say that when rappers would do that shit. Don't come around me, get your wigs split. So, yeah. So, wait, what was I saying about, i don't know they all look real bad though

like look at these fucking so many shootings anytime there's like a baptist church around and it's called heights oh forget it dude forget it if your place is called heights and you have a baptist church around don't go near there you'll die you'll get fucking somehow you'll get killed even if they take all the guns away they'll still have like somehow they'll they'll figure out a way to get your fucking life over, bro. And my opener was there with me. And what the fuck was I going to tell you something about him? And I can't even remember at this point.

God, the guy's such a little boy. He's the one who farted on the ground. But it was fun I brought him and I brought my Irish friend Mark to what do you call it what is this judgmental map of Memphis like it's like racist judgmental or it's like that means a real thing it's a joke okay gotcha

oh yeah got it or it's like that means a real thing? It's a joke. Okay, gotcha. Oh, yeah. Got it. Yeah, so stay out of Memphis, I guess. I don't know. But we were there. We did a bus. It was the first time I was ever on a bus tour.

I was like, you know what? I've always wanted to do it. It costs money, a lot of money to rent a bus. So we rented a bus. It had the king bed in the back. I don't know how big of a thing it was then we had the um the bunks for them and mark and mike would sleep in the bunks bro the first night on the bus i was like i was like how the fuck do you sleep because you what you do is you do a show and then you drive all night on the bus to the next area and i was like okay cool bands do it and shit but i was always like how the fuck

did um i was like how did uh how do how do you sleep when you're driving it must be tough but then i was like i probably don't know because it's probably a lot easier than i would think with all the bumps it's probably not as bumpy bro the first night it, it's fucking bumpy as shit. I mean, literally, you're like trying to sleep like this. It's like you're at fucking Ace Ventura in that when he's driving and the thing is like chitty-chitty bang-bang. What's that fucking Ace Ventura 2?

Dude, you're literally like this. I was sleeping naked. My dick was flopping all around on my abdomen. It was hitting each one of my fucking six-packs. Just fucking knocking lamps off, dude. And my dick flew out the window once. I was like, dude, get back here, dick. I had to fucking pull it in.

I almost got hit by a car no but you're bouncing around like crazy gotten zero sleep the first night uh and uh and i was like yeah oh that i knew that what's up with all these bands doing this shit it's too hard then the next night i fucking zonked out i did it dude and i slept like a baby dude um but i don't know if i'll do a bus again like it's kind of weird to be on the bus you fall asleep and then the driver gets there like while you're sleeping and then drive like i don't know this guy you know like i don't know this guy. You know? Like, I don't know this driver. But also, like, this guy is just a stranger.

That's now basically in my house while I'm sleeping. And kidnapping me is basically what he's doing. Like, I have a stranger come in. When you are on a bus driving, you have a stranger come in and kidnap you and take you to another city oh and this time it was memphis so how about that dude that's how fucking g i am i had a guy fucking while i was sleeping kidnap me and take me to memphis and i'm counting it i'm counting it even though i fucking set it all up i'm counting it it's like one of those it's like it's like having one of those fucking i had a kidnap fantasy I'm counting it. Even though I fucking set it all up, I'm counting it. It's like having one of those fucking... I had a kidnap fantasy.

You ever hear about fucking rape fantasies and shit? I was talking to my buddy about... He was telling me that this girl had this rape fantasy that he knew. He never did it with her, but he was like, yeah, I want you... Basically, I tell guys it's okay, if I'm familiar with them, to break into my house and fuck me. Hey, that's real. That's real. How about that?

That's where that sentence ends. Hey, that's real. That's not a rape fantasy. That's just rape. Dude, you can't... Hey, man. Yo, bro, we're cool. Yo, bro, hey can't hey man yo bro we're cool yo bro hey just so you know we're cool so whenever you want doesn't matter what i'm doing break into my house and fuck me up that's no matter what if you're dudes two dudes wow you know yo i'm gay you're gay oh cool oh bro we're cool whenever you want, just fucking break into my house. And even if I'm screaming, no, just hit it and leave. It's all good. Just fucking hit it and leave. Hey, that's not a fantasy. That's real. Dude, that's what if you change your mind? No safe word, bro.

your mind. No safe word, bro. I got to pick a good, I got to have a safe word. Everyone should have a safe word, no matter what, with your couple, with your partner, just in case shit goes nuts. Even if you're a guy and a girl, you should still have a, you still have a safe word. My safe word is, hey, look over there. And then when they look, I fucking choke them out and run out. My safe word is, oh no, they're dropping a fucking hydrogen bomb and then when they look up i fucking punch them in the face and run away a good safe word it is i'm gonna shit all over myself and then go ew and then when they do that they retract and then you run away dude i'm somebody was telling me if you're gonna get uh like accosted like to just piss on yourself and i'm like dude won't that won't they like that more? Dude, these people are fucked up.

Creepy asses just like, oh, you pissed on yourself, huh? I don't even know if it's funny. It's so fucked up. It's such a weird situation. But anyway, we did the bus. It's a little bit weird with the bus because then people find the bus and shit. And it's like also you're just, some of the nights you're just sleeping out on the side of the road on a bus. And it's like, hey, let's not fucking color coat this. We're homeless right now. We're sleeping outside. We're sleeping on wheels okay just because

there's a fucking lamp in this bus doesn't mean we're not homeless for eight hours in a hoover alabama outside of the fucking stardome comedy club next to a fucking blockbuster that they still have because it's hoover anyway it was fucking cool to do the bus um it's also cool because you don't have to fucking go to the airport a lot whatever i don't know what am i telling you. And then I flew back. I love being a guy. I know we always, you know how girls are like fucking girl power nowadays and shit like that and how they do that thing? That's how much I love being a guy.

Fucking guy power, you know? Like I love fucking being a guy. Here's why, dude dude all weekend we roasted my fucking opener because he's five nine and he's trying to say he's five fucking ten and a half bro first of all who says and a half if you're tall you don't do that so he says he's five ten and a half that's how you know he's really 5'9. You're a fucking shrimp boat, dude. And it's fine. It's fine.

It's fine. He's 5'9, but it's fine. And he gets so mad. And we were laughing. We were laughing so hard telling him how he was 5'9 and shit. And he was like, bro, bro, I'm not 5'9. If I'm 5'9, then Craig's 5'8 and Joe's 5'7? And I'm like, I guess so, bro.

And he was like, then how tall is fucking Brad Williams? And I was like, he's 4' he was like then how tall is fucking Brad Williams and I was like he's four two then he's fucking two four uh-uh he's a little person or whatever you call it I don't know how tall Brad Williams is but whatever dude my opener is five nine and Mark and I are always four four um my opener and I are my opener Mark and I are always 4'4". My opener and I are, my opener Mark and I are 4'9". So he's 5'9". And we were busting him on it. And he was getting so mad.

But we were laughing, dude. We were laughing. I love that shit as guys. Girls can't do that shit. If a girl was like, whatever, you're short, you're ugly, you're fat and ugly, you can't be friends with that chick. You'd be like, oh, that girl's done being my friend. But guys, that means you're a friend. Bro, you're fucking fat. You think I don't look at my friend's faces and say, bro, you're fucking fat. What's up with your face? You're ugly. That's it, dude. That's it. That's the best. We cry laughing.

That's what it's like being a guy all weekend. He was like, all right, so that's the theme. So I'm five, nine. He's short though. It's all good. It kills him. He wants to be a fucking athlete so bad. It kills him. He wants to be a fucking athlete so bad. He fucking tweeted the other day. So dorky. Look at this here. I'm going to look it up.

He fucking tweeted the other day when we landed. Here we go. Look at this. Dude, he loves basketball and he was like looking at the fucking and he was like oh fucking durant's going to brooklyn or whatever the fuck and he kept checking and refreshing his page and he tweeted this bro my fucking opener tweeted this nba finals next four years colon Lakers over Milwaukee Lakers over Brooklyn Lakers over Brooklyn Lakers over Brooklyn and I wrote back lol what a dork do more years and he was like dude that's not dorky and I was like how is it not dorky to predict who's gonna

win the fucking NBA championships in the next four years? Dude, that's exactly like being like, you know, you know, you know, this is my. All right. So this is my prediction. Basically, the next the next Marvel movies in the Marvel Universe that don't exist already. OK, so they're going to absolutely. First of all, this makes me laugh how Gambit doesn't have its own origin story, which is ridiculous. They never really explored the Gambit character, and I think that in the near, probably 2001, 2021, 2022,

they'll probably explore Gambit character if the Marvel Universe is still exploding the way it is. It has a chance of actually taking a dip because they absolutely are overbranding, but I would like to see Nightcrawler in his own thing I would like to see Jubilee in his own thing and I predict also Gambit maybe I have his own origin story coming up if they can find a very cool French French character because you know that Gambit

is a French character if they can find a French character I would like to see Alan Cummings maybe play him I know he's not French but I could see him doing that like that's what you're doing you fucking dork predicting who's gonna win the championship on twitter not just a conversation be like oh i can see yada yada on twitter and you're just a comedian and you say lakers over brooklyn in 2000 and fucking 22 you're basically a fucking kid you're basically an adult living with your parents in the basement that's what you are that's what you are it's all good it's what you are

you're basically saying well i mean you know i would love to see um basically uh i don't know why uh fucking i can't think of another. Marvel's made so many fucking movies with all the characters that came in. I would love to see... What's his name? Who's the fucking... Cyborg. I'd love to see Cyborg have his own art and story.

That's basically what you're doing. That's basically what you're doing. So, if you like sports, that's all good. But if you tweet about predictions... The thing i just can't believe i know i'm in the minority here i know sports is huge but i just can't believe that fucking guys for real do that they'll be like on espn espn talking about how who they think will win the fucking uh well you know it looks, it looks good. It looks good. It fucking looks good. Good, good.

Looks good. It looks good. You know, it looks good. You know, we thought that Kevin Durant wasn't going to be around next year, and he probably won't be around next year, but props to Brooklyn for giving him a shot. They're going to rehabilitate him. He'll come back stronger than ever.

You know, I don't know, Frank. You know, I'm not sure because, you know, you've been through this killy tear with other people. Of course, Kobe had it. There's always that guy. There's always a guy that sounds like this. You know, the guys that like, he's good with the blue collar guys.

You know, you got to have the guys that know stuff. But there's also this guy who's just a regular person. And he's going to be telling you basically how it is from the ground up. You know, you guys know when your high towers are basically all your money in Hollywood, what's going on. But I know what's going on from down here. And I can tell you, LeBron, I don't know. I don't know if fucking, I don't know if Mutombo could do it.

Yeah, sure, he's tall, but he's a lanky son of a bitch. Put him in center, fine. But if he's outside the three-row line, from a workers' man point of view, I'm not sure if he can make it to the NBA. You know? Anyway, I got to go back to the dock and load these shits. I hope my analysis was pure. Thank you.

Talking to a dock worker just to get views from a dock worker's. I love it. But this is my prediction. NBA finals in the next four years. All right? This is what I think was just going to happen in the Marvel finals in the next four years. All right. This is what I think was just going to happen in the Marvel Universe in the next four years. All right. So what I think is possibly Cyborg could have his own origin story. And that's just coming from a lovely doc worker.

But my buddy who also work in cement and concrete, they think that maybe Jubilee might make an appearance in one of the next few X-Men movies. And then could possibly have an origin story. Or, interestingly enough, the DC Universe could do a movie with an old Batman. I see what maybe a Jon Hamm in the next few years or possibly even a black guy. You know, I could see Idris Elba doing it, you know, because all the whole thing going on with everything. We're trying to make everybody equal. I could see that coming. Now, that's just coming from a lowly dock worker.

But my buddy that works in construction, he also thinks the same thing. Anyway, it's the same thing. So fuck you and your highfalutin towers and your Marvel Universe. But that's what we think. Thanks a lot. That's who we are. Highfalutin. that's who we are. Um, highfalutin.

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Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. I will never get this fucking arm to work, by the way. It always hits my chin, and I fucking bounce it back out,

dude. My opener also fucking... He always takes it a step too far, dude. We got on the plane and he was like, which one's yours? And I said, there. And I pointed to my seat and he took the pillow and threw it on the ground and I'm like bro

don't fucking do that now I got the germs from the fucking people's feet and I gotta put my mouth on the goddamn pillow anyway but fucking dudes get to roast dude

you don't get to roast if you're a fucking chick you don't really it's not accepted that's what women should be fighting for nowadays. They get to roast.

I saw fucking, dude, when I was, by the way, I saw in my hotel, I get it if you love your dog and you want to bring dogs and you want to travel with dogs, but dude, make them small, okay? Look, I don't even travel with my dog and you want to bring dogs and you want to travel with dogs. But, dude, make them small.

Okay? Look, I don't even travel with my dogs and they're small as shit. But this person in the hotel where we were staying, I think we were staying at the Hilton or something in Knoxville. Dude, they brought a fucking – have you ever seen a Great Dane? I have seen Great Danes on the internet, okay? I have not seen Great Danes, I've seen Great Danes from afar in real life. Hey, have you ever had an elevator, have you ever been in an elevator, had the elevator doors open up and there was a Great D there first of all i thought i was in narnia okay because a great dane is way too big i i almost shit my pants i shit my pants last night

i almost pulled a fucking george brett double type of shit dude great danes are people dressed in dog costumes they're so big they're not very big they're so big do you know what they are too big dude the doors opened up to the fucking elevator, a Great Dane was there, and it looked like it was going to say, hi. I looked at the Great Dane, and the first thought I had was, where are your clothes? You're naked. That's how big a Great Dane is. A Great Dane is as big as a big guy. Bro, his balls and dick were all out.

It was like, what's going on? Put fucking shorts on your animal. You can't have a dog with a fucking bigger dick than you. All right? This thing was so big i mean if it wanted to end my life it would have done it in four seconds it would have been like a horror movie where i was like clicking the fucking thing no no no here it comes and then it would have just fucking bursted dude it's so big it was wearing jewelry this thing was so fucking big it had a backwards hat on dude it was so big this great dane was so it it came up to my

fucking chest on all fours not standing up if i wanted to ride it i needed a fucking ladder and the fucking guy was just walking it into the oh oh i had to like scale the wall of the elevator to get the fuck out it's it my heart fucking stopped dude and it and it's beautiful but it's huge and they only live to be fucking five or some shit because they're so big and fucked up. And they probably shouldn't be that big health-wise. They only live to be like fucking eight. And then they just get their organs are like, what's going on? And then they just go and explode because we're not supposed to be this big.

Anyway, it was so fucking big i couldn't believe it um but yeah don't have a dog with a bigger dick than you don't have a dog with a bigger asshole than you you know what i'm talking about the dog's asshole you ever see that fucking um youtube video of the elephant sitting down on a guy and he goes in the elephant's asshole and the guy ended up with like living somehow he ended up winning that exchange but he went in the elephant's asshole for a little bit imagine that dude an elephant sat on a guy and fucking it was – the guy had to be a little bit shorter. It was probably my opener because he's only 5'9", but he sat on the fucking – and the guy just goes – imagine being in an elephant's asshole. The guy just goes – Imagine thinking, uh-oh, I'm in the elephant's asshole. It's somewhere

he sits on a guy well that wasn't the one I saw but the elephant sits on a guy and the guy goes in his asshole I saw this on the internet it wasn't fucking photoshop it was a real thing

but that's unbelievable hey don't have that happen don't have an happen, huh? Don't have an elephant. How about never be behind a fucking elephant? So he's a great dame, bro. Just, but don't bring,

but bring a small dog to a hotel. Don't bring a fucking horse. I mean, imagine checking in. That's why I can never work a regular job. If I was in a hotel and I was just like, oh, yeah, well, great. So what's up? You need two rooms, right? And the person would be like, no, I need one room.

I'm like, okay, well, you need an extra bed, right? No. Oh, no, but the Great Dane. great dane oh no i could just chill in my hotel room oh well no it can't because of how big it is so we're gonna get you an extra room great dan had a fucking mustache um one time i made fun of speaking of being a guy, one time I made fun of my buddy Dan because he was – he saw Captain Marvel in the fucking theater and I fucking made fun of him so hard because he was like – we were all – we all hung out. We have a text chain. We all hung out and then he was – we were like, where were you, dude? And he was like, sorry, bro, I was in a movie. And we were like, oh, what'd you see? And he said, Captain Marvel.

And I was like, oh, shit. I said, where were you coming from? And he said, what? And I said, well, what city were you coming from? And he said, what are you talking about? And I said, you said you saw Captain Marvel, right? And he said, saw Captain Marvel. So that means you were on a plane, right? Because that's the only time you would ever see that movie because that's where you should see that movie is when you have nothing to do and you're on a plane. And we roasted him for fucking way too long.

And we kept on being like, yo, dude, that's crazy. You've been traveling so much because you saw Captain Marvel. I mean, so dumb, dumb dude i'm so dumb so i was on the plane and i and i fucking opened up the thing the the the thing on the back's headrest and sure enough they were promoting captain marvel and i had a fucking laugh to myself man i had a fucking laugh to myself, man. I had a fucking laugh to myself, but I didn't even watch it. I watched the movie Arctic with fucking some German guy. By the way, the movie, this is always weird to me. They had a movie about a guy surviving a plane crash on a fucking plane. Like, passenger, like, don't have fucking movies.

I watched, what's it called on a plane? Non-stop with fucking, or no, was that the one on the train or the plane? Liam Neeson did one on a plane and then one on a train. It's like, he should do one also on a fucking, they should have one. He's done so many of the same movies. I'm a big Liam Neeson fan. He's done so many of the same movies on different transportations. I caneson fan. He's done so many of the same movies on different transportations. I can't wait until he does one on a Lime scooter.

Just like, I know this is close quarters, but we have to get off this Lime scooter. It's being held hostage. Someone on this Lime scooter has threatened to blow it up. And it takes place in San Francisco. They gotta go over the hills and there's all bitch on the fucking lime scooter. It's just like, and it's fucking him and like three or four other guys

just crowded on this lime scooter. And he was like, there's someone, one of you on this lime scooter has been telling lies. You're a terrorist and you've threatened to blow this lime scooter up. And if you do, all of us will blow up. And one other guy's like, it's really just three people. We could cut our losses.

It doesn't matter. I need to get back to my daughter. And then they just fucking jump from one lime scooter to have another fucking bird scooter. But then, and he was like, ah, we made it. And then there's still two other people on the bird scooter. And it was like, oh no. And they. And then there's still two other people on the bird scooter. And it was like, oh, no. And they still see the, and they're like, ah, he's still on. Just so many fucking modes of transportation.

It was like, um, so, uh, yeah. So I didn't watch it. I watched Arctic, and it was about a plane crash. And I was like, should I even really watch this? And I did. And it didn't freak me out. It's a good movie. Then I watched fucking Happy Death Day 2.

Because I saw Happy Death Day or whatever the fuck it is. Which is kind of okay. And I saw Happy Death Day 2 and it was just fucking ridiculous. It's fucking dickless. Anyway, I'm going to do some ads here. LeVar Ball got banned from ESPN which is hilarious when ESPN bans anybody because like no one gives a fuck about ESPN

anymore they just watch their shit on the internet I mean it's like what five years till ESPN isn't a fucking network anymore because of fucking like Barstool sports and uh house of highlights um but lavar ball was banned from being uh from i apparently making a sexual innuendo to a uh a female reporter which fucking straight up who cares but um it was really funny because i actually didn't know this but i googled it a little bit because she said let's switch gears and you said oh i switch gears with

you anytime and i was like who cares and then i googled what i was like am i missing something i googled what switch gears means apparently that means going from like having sex with the vaginal intercourse and then going to anal which which I think is a stretch, but whatever. I mean, I would absolutely say something like, well, I'd sit scared with you anytime and not know that. But they banned him from any ESPN thing, which is hilarious because, like, who gives a shit about ESPN straight up?

ESPN is something that's, like, on in the background. Like, that's what ESPN is something that's like on in the background. Like that's what ESPN is. Imagine working for a fucking company where you just are elevator music, dude. Like even people who watch sports are like watching it on their phone on like House of Highlights or fucking analysis, you know? Like they're fucking doctors uh so i i don't i hey espn can you ban me too just asking um uh i don't know i feel like just her like being like awkward and like annoying about that and about like making a stink about it i don't know if she did or not but like that kind of like pushed the movement back a little bit like just fucking i i would say that to a guy and make a joke

it's lavar ball dude you? You're not interviewing Elon Musk. It's LeVar Ball. You put him on your fucking station to get views because he says dumb shit. And now you're going to ban him for saying dumb shit? What the fuck is wrong with you? Just so out of touch, ESPN. Fuck out of here with your stupid shit. That's what ESPN stands for.

ES-a-pointless news. ESPN stands for pointless news this stands for please nobody nobody gives a fuck the only guy they got that's worth watching is that guy looks like fucking ludicrous fucking uncle ludicrous cousin what's that watching is that guy looks like fucking Ludacris' fucking uncle. Ludacris' cousin.

What's that fucking guy that they gave $10 million to? They should be giving the stars of a network more than $10 million, dude. That's how bad ESPN is. They gave the guy a contract. Who's that guy that looks like Ludacris' fucking brother with diabetes? Dude, they should be giving him fucking $80 million. This is a network. This is their highest paid guy. $10 million, dude?

Stephen A. Smith. He's the only fucking guy that's worth watching. All those other fucking cucks. Look, I don't watch the ESPN, so I don't know. But it's always just some guy. Do they even have guys like Charles Barkley and fucking Shaquille O'Neal? It's like this is the guy. and fucking Shaquille O'Neal?

It's like this is the guy. This is the guy and you're giving him $10 million? Bro, you owe your stars more than that. They don't have it. That's why. It's amazing how much I have to blow my nose I'll blow my nose during the show That's how disrespectful I am to you guys Actually can you go grab me some

Toilet paper By the way we're doing this without one fire We're doing this with only Ivan Getridov Thanks By the way, we're doing this without one fire. We're doing this with only Ivan Getridov. Thanks. Fuck yeah. I'm about to get so respectful on you motherfuckers. Check this out.

Look how that looks, my babies. Look how that... You ever do that with the fucking toilet paper? You take it and then fold it over in a triangle way so it fucking, when you spray it out, it goes. That's how it is. That's how it is. We do it, we talk, we blow our nose when we talk about ESPN. That's how we do. You know why, dude?

Because that's how you do. That's it. You fucking ban LeVar Ball for saying some outrageous shit when you get LeVar Ball on your fucking conference to talk about outrageous shit. I mean, come on, dude. Anyway. Captain Marvel is a plane movie.

Remember when the actress said the shit about how TSA guy asked for her number and she was like, this is what it's like to be a woman. You have to live in fear. Imagine there was a horror movie where a guy fucking asked for a girl's number. I want to make that horror movie. And then have her watch that and have her be like, that wasn't that scary. And then I go, see? This is what it's like being a female.

You got to live in fear about guys asking for your number. And then I make a... I'm going to make a horror movie about where a guy walks up to a girl and says, Hey, can I have your number? And it's got that music in it too. It's got that fucking horror movie music. That's what it is. This is it.

This is the movie. Horror. Horror is it. This is the movie. Horror movie music. God, this fucking thing. Here we go. Right here. This is what it is. A girl's just walking through the airport. And the guy says, Oh, excuse me. I was wondering, can I get your number? And the girl says, Oh, actually, I have a boyfriend. And then she walks away.

And then credits. And then all those girls who think that's scary, they watch the movie and they say, That's not that scary. And then I'm outside of the theater and when they walk out, I go like this. Say! Hi. What's your number?

What? I don't get it. Say! What? I don't get it. See? See? I was wondering if I could take you out sometime. You look nice and I like your vibe. Um, I don't know. I'm seeing someone and it's new and I don't want to ruin it. I don't know. I'm seeing someone and it's new and I don't want to ruin it. I don't get it. Do you see?

Um. Anyway. I sound low in the headphones. Can you turn it up at all or no? This is a nice thing to ask 45 minutes into the thing. Whatever. Who cares? As long as it records right, I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, there. That's good. Thanks. Oh, yeah. That's better. Cool. Fuck yeah, dude. Feels good, man.

Know what I thought would be fucking dope? This is what I thought on the bus. Now, this is a fucking high thought, and I don't smoke weed, but this is for sure something you think would be high. This is something that they should be able to do soon and they will. You should be able to fucking synchronize your dreams with your buddies.

Oh, that would be so ill. Dude, I thought this because I was on the bus and I had fucking crazy dreams and I woke up and my buddy said, oh, I had crazy dreams. And I was like, dude, me too. And then I was like, how dope would it be if we could dream that? I was like, dude, they should make a thing where you could dream with your buddies and just fucking rip in like different worlds.

And you could just be like, dude, let's go to a world where there's unlimited popcorn. And you're like, ah, okay, fuck it. And then you just go and you're like ah okay fuck it and then you just go and you rip has anyone ever thought about that you go let's go to fucking room let's go to oh dude let's go shoot around a little bit basketball and be like no we can do that in real life that's what my that's what my opener mike would be like dude let's go to a fucking world let's go to a place we can just shoot unlimited basketballs and be like dude you can do that at the ymca be like oh yeah i mean let's go to a place world. Let's go to a place where you can just shoot unlimited basketballs. I'd be like, dude, you can do that at the YMCA. He'd be like, oh, yeah.

I'd be like, let's go to a place with fucking unlimited popcorn. And then we go, and it's just... Eating popcorn all day long. Let's go to a place where we can just fucking bust nuts, and we don't even have to touch our dicks. We can just go and just bust nuts over and over again. Just fucking... sporting everywhere

in the middle of an Ikea. Let's go to a place where we can just shoot laser beams out of our eyes and kill everybody that we don't like in the real life. You sure? Yeah. Let's try. Okay. Sounds kind of violent, but I'm in. Hey, there's my fucking cousin I don't like. Hey, look, it's the creators of ESPN.

Get everybody but Stephen A. Smith. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. Hey, get the cucks at ESPN! No! Oh, fuck. Hopefully they don't synchronize into the fucking dream world as well, because then they get laser-beamed,

and if you die in dreams, you die in real life, because you know that's true, because that's why every movie that is about dreams says that. Every movie is another movie already. I don't give a fuck. Because, you know, if you die in the dream world, you die in real life. 7,000 movies have that line.

Even movies not about dreams, they say that. For real. They probably do. There's probably, probably like some romantic comedy with david dukovny probably that one returned to me with david dukovny and mini driver they do that they're like oh well you're so cute oh my god i can't believe i met you oh yeah i know i know i didn't think it would be a fucking we're not a likely pair are we no but we sure are having fun you know if you die in dream world, you die in real life. Really? Yeah. And they fuck each other. Dude, why would you, my fucking, dude, why would you listen to this podcast? I'm a fucking literal insane person. This is ramblings of a madman.

Anyway. I fucking love it. I love it. 50 minutes in, and we're just getting started, dude. No, we're not just getting started. I worked out. I fucking did a day of shoulders at a gym in fucking, where was I, Memphis? Yeah.

No. Chattanooga? Yeah. I think. Yeah. And then I fucking did my legs. Is that interesting? I did my legs in, what was the thing I was in after?

Knoxville. Did I do it in Knoxville? Yeah. And my legs are sore. So there you go. Is that interesting? I think it might be. And bodybuilders are insane, dude.

Remember this video? Alexanderander vishnev alexander vishnevsky srussian i mean alexander vishnevsky kiy it ends with like how do you even say that this guy came out and did a dude i used to watch this all the time robot bodybuilder it's called. The guy comes out, and he's doing steps like a robot. And he's moving his shoulders. He's so greased up, dude. What if I was this ripped? I've got to get this ripped. He moves his head back and forth like a robot.

Puts his arms out like he's about to grab some titties. And people are going nuts. Then he sets up. Hi. I'm an epic bodybuilder from Russia. Of course he is. So Russian. I'm an epic...

I'm an epic bodybuilder from Russia. Wow, this is so funny, dude. He just shot his head like a robot. And now he's moving his arm around like a... Oh, he's turning... He does flexing too, dude. You gotta look this video up.

Robot bodybuilder. It's like pretty damn good. The music, dude. What are the guys doing? What are the guys doing this shit? Wow. If I have a son, I'm fucking making him listen to this every day of my life. Every day of his life.

Until he learns how to say, please turn it off. Like, maybe fucking 13 months in. Wow, dude. That song rips. See, that's the thing you don't think of. You look at the video, you see how funny the video is, but then you realize. Here we go. All over the place, this song.

Until it drops. Here we go. And, and, and, we're ripping. Whoa, dude. Whoa. I'm not joking. I fucking, I'm not fucking around. This is one of the greatest songs I've ever heard in my life.

Top ten. I think, honestly, even Beethoven would be like, no, it's actually fucking pretty good. be like, nah, it's actually fucking pretty good. If this song was playing when I was having sex and I didn't use a condom, even if it was a stranger, I would fucking bust inside of her. I would just hope for the best. I would. I would fucking straight up

come inside of her. I don't care. I don't care. Now, with that kind of music playing, you get lost in the moment, dude. When I was a young kid, I had a girlfriend, and I didn't lose my virginity yet, and she already had, and it really bothered me. What a bitch i was you know and because she fucking lost it she was with another guy um and it was and and and i found out and i was like i fucking i didn't have sex yet and you did and she was like yeah well i don't know i didn't know we were gonna go out and i was like well what the where how did it happen and she was like well she was like it was what was when I was studying abroad in Italy and

I was like are you fucking serious what the fuck is this a movie and she was like well I don't know I was just I was like what why did you do that she's like I don't know I was in Italy and who cares and it's like sex is just this different thing over there and And I was like, oh, so you just, so what? You just lose yourself for who you are and you just go and you do what they do? I wouldn't have done that. She's like, okay, well, I don't know. Like, where did you do it? What was the guy's name?

And she was like, Anthony. And I was like, Anthony? That's a fucking, so Italian. She was like, yeah, well, I don't know. Antonio. I was like, oh, for fuck's sake dude he was sexy he was sexy she was like yeah I don't know yeah I guess I mean and I was like well this fucking sucks for me and she was like I was like well tell me more about it and she was like yeah well he would I don't know where I was like where was it and she was like I don't know he had like a vineyard house and he took me to the vineyard house.

And I was like, oh, for fuck's sake, dude, what am I going to do? This is bullshit. You fucking fucked an Italian in a vineyard house. And like, where are we going to do it in your fucking dorm room? And she was like, I don't know. And she was, and I was like, how'd you get to the vineyard house? Like in one of those fucking bullshit italian cars that were like not nice but also cute and sexy like in a way because it's like

part of the whole thing and she was like no he had like a scooter and i i literally go yeah a fucking of course he had a scooter of course he fucking took you on a scooter to his vineyard house and you had sex of course you did in the summer on your fucking studying abroad of course you fucking did and i was so mad and i was like well now how do i say am i supposed to and i in in in my mind i made it a motorcycle even though it wasn't a scooter even though it wasn't a motorcycle it was a scooter because it made him seem like more dope it was and she was like why are you i can't i remember dude his name was anthony or antonio or some shit like that and i was like so you would just you would call no i remember this

what it was anthony i was like so you call him antonio because it is italian right because i was like so upset like that she fucking like let the Italian in her fucking like let the Italian culture take over and I was like and I'm Italian too but like he was more Italian so that means he's more sexy in your eyes and then she was like well I was like so so you called him Antonio huh and she was like no and I was like so would you call him Anthony and she was like no everyone called him El Capitano everyone called him fucking El Capitano dude I was like what the fuck why I don't she was like I don called him El Capitano everyone called him fucking El Capitano dude I was like what the fuck why I don't she was like I don't know

that's just what everyone called him I was like you called him the fucking captain dude oh it fucking grinded my gears and then she took he took her to the fucking vineyard and I think she did it once

or twice with him. And I know when they fucked in his vineyard house that he put on this song. He was just like. Oh, I think we found the song. We finna rock it? We gonna rock it? Rock it. Jet Set Remix.

Jersey Remix? It says Jersey Remix here. Where? Is this it? Oh, we got the good version, dude. Wow, this rips. That fucking... Jersey remix. Jet Set remix.

Wow. Wow. Yeah, you got to fuck in a vineyard house for this. On a scooter. He probably just let the scooter fall and fall to the side, and he was just like, let's go. I know they fuck near hay, too. I don't know why, but in my head, they fuck near hay, and that bothers me. Fucking chicks, bro. my head they fuck near hay and that bothers me fucking chicks bro these chicks they lose themselves and they fucking lose the virginity i remember when i was a kid i

was just how dumb i was i thought that the fact that she like succumbed to the italian shit i was like did you got to yourself. The fact that you weren't yourself and you got caught up in the moment. I used to think people who got caught up in the moment were so fucked. That was just such

a defense mechanism because she just, I couldn't deal with the fact that she lost her virginity and I didn't. It's hilarious. I gotta get a fucking, and now they got

Lime Scooters everywhere. Dude, I'm getting a Lime Scooter. I'm going everywhere fucking and now they got lime scooters everywhere dude I'm getting a lime scooter I'm going everywhere fucking everybody just to get back I'm fucking dudes and chicks I don't care I just want to break

everybody's heart because my heart was broken when I was a kid get on a lime scooter with fucking Liam Neeson we've gotta go fuck everyone we've got to make sure to break hearts

if we don't the world will end and your heart will be broken and yours is the most important that's true Liam Neeson and I'm on the back and I'm holding on to his hips let's go

show up at people's house ding dong are you Liam Neeson what the fuck and then I just start fucking him and Liam Neeson is recording it headed doggy style make sure you fuck his mouth he's got a particular set of skills he's going to come inside you now he didn't use a condom but he's caught in the moment. Let's go.

And then we go move on to another fucking... Take a line to somewhere in Covina. We just fuck someone in Covina. Just walking by. Near a liquor store. Park. Fuck him. Okay, Leah. Go get him

he's running away get him hop on chasing some guy of like Mexican descent in Covina he's running and I'm just trying to go fuck him and in my head I'm like this is because I fucking

This is for El Capitano. This is for El Capitano. When he had sex with the girl that you wanted to give your virginity to in Tuscany. Ha ha ha ha ha! What a fucking moron. God, I was such a fucking moron.

Should we do some Atlantis connections and then fucking bounce? Hey. I like the outfit you put together would you like to go with me one time and catch a matinee I don't know I just I don't get it see here we go Atlanta woodworking but this is connect misconnections Atlanta

woodworking bud woodwork and but this is connect misconnections atlanta woodwork and bud you used to host me at your condo had your tv on with porn playing i sat back on your sofa and watched you polished my wood we would usually meet in the early afternoon a few times a week would love to catch up with you again and give you your reward okay why code it at all do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers woodworking bud looking for a guy in uniform milton ball ground canton looking for masculine white guy an alpha type. I'm a black guy attracted to white guys. Military cop, fireman, contractor, all hot.

Just be a guy. Act dressed like a guy. Please be mobile. What guy isn't mobile? What does that mean? Don't be a fucking statue? Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. What do you mean?

I guess have wheels? Any guy could go somewhere. Odd specific thing. Let's do one more. Trying to reconnect with Bon Bon. What is it? A fucking James Bond villain? That's the problem.

We found out it's Bon Bon. Trying to reconnect with Bon Bon. She was my strawberry blonde bombshell. I am a white male. Do not contact me once this is served as an office. Bon Bon? Hit him up. Bon Bon, you're wanted.

Somewhere over near Main Street in Atlanta. All right. Fucking we love you. Thanks for listening. To congratulations. Download the Crystalia app. Anywhere where apps are subscribe to the YouTube channel and

subscribe rate and review the show it really helps and thanks for listening dude I still got an announcement to make I can't I think I'm it's coming out today or tomorrow but that's it that's what's up and I, and, uh, I guess, I guess thanks for listening. Um, no, thanks. And remember, dude, I got nothing to remember this time. Just fucking

have a good week, you know? Thanks guys. Bye.