Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 128. Science Is Everywhere

Episode Date: July 9, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about the Babypod, a speaker that goes in your vagina. Also discussed: Tik Tok, online challenges, DJ Khaled, the "Homicide" video release, and earthquakes. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's my home state, New Jersey. This weekend, I think they're all sold out. I'm pretty sure. Then we got San Jose coming up August 23rd and Las Vegas August 24th. And then some other ones coming up too. San Diego, Riverside, Foxwoods, Connecticut, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

for some reason and Rochester, New York. Way too up there. And Detroit, Michigan I guess I'm playing, huh? Look at that. for some reason and Rochester, New York. Way too up there. And Detroit, Michigan, I guess I'm playing, huh? Look at that. Detroit, Michigan at the Masonic Cathedral Theater. Can't say that without sounding like you have a fucking lisp. Masonic Cathedral Theater.

So yeah, dude, you check out the fucking new merch too. New features too bright. Somebody's talking to me on my app saying your shirt is as bright as my future because I've got a vibrant yellow shirt on. Then I see you, buddy. I'll be there at Foxwoods, says Martin Berisha. Fuck yeah, we'll see you there. Foxwoods, the dregs of the earth, man. When I go to Foxwoods, dude, when I go to Foxwoods the dregs of the earth man When I go to Foxwoods Dude when I go to Foxwoods

My two Least favorite places to perform are Connecticut And San Diego I think cause Connecticut You got like the yuppie fucking White pink short Wearing you know what I mean Date rapist looking

Motherfuckers and then you got The like the dregs. And then also in Connecticut, you got the dregs. You've got guys that are like, or just like, you got like women that are like, that are like pear shaped, that are just like, you know, in a fucking blouse. And they're just like, at least in the casinos, and they're just like, they're like, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, come here, look. And then they do a fucking bet.

But also, every time I've ever been to a casino, I've never been to a casino and not seen somebody with just one arm. Every time I go to a casino, no matter what casino you go to, there's always somebody with one arm. Somewhere lurking there, dude. And you know why? It's because you only need one arm to do the slots, I think. They're just walking around like this.

Like, where's the slot machine? And then they get it, and they're like, bam. You need one fucking arm to do slots. I swear to God. You know the bottle cap challenge and the fucking douse your head with water? Bam. You need one fucking arm to do slots. I swear to God. You know the bottle cap challenge and the fucking douse your head with water challenge? That's another challenge. Go to casino one-arm challenge.

Find the people with one arm at a casino. Casino one-arm challenge hashtag. Get in trouble for that for sure. Just get in trouble for that for sure so um let's get in trouble my babies you know um didn't mean to wear this shirt so bright on the fucking uh podcast but put it on didn't want to take it off uh i have still some exciting news that i cannot fucking give yet and i will give it on the i believe the 15th of july so stop asking i'm sorry i i know i said it like three weeks ago i'd keep saying it the 15th of july i will be dropping some news and uh that's what's up but otherwise you know things are good man you know chilling chilling

chilling chilling chilling like a villain um and i got a fucking tiktok dude how about that have you guys been on tiktok tiktok's the worst app do you guys know that how come they always have to spell it differently too tiktok like what what what what spells shit more wrong uh apps or rappers you know what i mean like all eyes on me with a z or tiktok t-i-k-t-o-k tiktok is the worst app of all time and it's all good but it's the worst app of all time and i did one i did a bunch last night and i was howling dude how bad they are they're so bad even doing them makes me cringe, even though I'm making fun of it. I put on my Instagram, I said, this is my impression of a 12-year-old, and it was like,

and they're all like, how come everybody on TikTok, when they're doing TikToks, they have to look up to the left like this? And why do they got to do that shit? They're just like, I saw a guy do a TikTok. Can we go on? Is there like a TikTok.com or do I have to see it on my fucking...

Only on the phone? Yeah, but there's YouTubes. They upload them to YouTube, babies. That's why you're on fire. He doesn't think of the things that I think of. TikTok. Here we go. Look at these TikToks, bro.

I saw a TikTok the other day. You know how that guy Cameron something, the Disney kid died? Dude, there was like a fucking 11-year-old that was playing the beginning of a song, and it said, Cameron yada yada was pronounced dead, and the kid was just like this, feeling it, pretending to cry, and then he just went like this. And that was the TikTok. Hey hey guy hey dude if you're my kid i'll have words with you have words with your kids if they're fucking pretending to be emo on tiktok seriously dude that's how i know i'm an old guy finally besides my back pain that's how i know i'm an old guy is that there's a really popular app finally. And I don't, I just can't.

TikTok. TikTok, dude. Go fuck yourself. You know, let's look at some of these though. Top 10 best TikTok challenges. Why is everything a goddamn challenge too? You just hit record. TikToks that keep me happy in summer.

Oh, this will be a good one i mean just so bad audio such bad audio me what is this shit? How to get taller? I mean, Jesus mother fuck, you know? Some girls in their pajamas just jumping around. Alright, I can't even... I mean, it's not even worth it, you know? That's how fucking... But they always go like... All right. I can't even. I mean, it's not even worth it, you know? That's how fucking. But they always go like.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. What's that song that they, the Justin Bieber one? Is that a Justin Bieber one? Oh, it is? Baby? That's like his first song, right? Ever? TikTok's like his first song, right? Ever? TikTok is like that.

It's like... Here we go. Dude. It's so weird, dude. Everything's so weird. TikTok fucking... Come on. Oh, they're killing it though, man. How do you weird. TikTok fucking, come on. Oh, they're killing it though, man. How do they make money? Sponsors, I guess.

Anyway, don't get a TikTok. Somebody just comments on my app. Eat your cat challenge, okay? I still haven't gotten Neo's cameo. I gotta get Neo neo's cameo i gotta get him to fucking talk shout out for the babies do you guys think that um do you think i'm ever gonna get a cameo from a 50 grand if i got a cameo for 50 grand i i mean i i guess i would probably put some money

towards charity or whatever even though i don't want You know, I want to keep it all and just fucking double it. Go to Vegas, try to double it all in the name of charity. And then when I lose it and be like, oh, charity fucked me. Nah, I did. Yo, so, yeah, I don't know. So I suppose I should talk about this M&m thing i forgot and logic thing i forgot to talk about this last week the video came out and every time the video something comes out or i get something big like that i always text brian callan and will sasso it's different now

i always send i always say hey it's different now or i'll go i'll say to brian callan one time i was in an elevator i told him I got some big news, say it was the Eminem thing or whatever. I said, hey, I'm going to be in Eminem's video. And then I just look at him and I go like this, right into his face. I go, bye. Like I'll never hang out with him again.

I'm not even fucking 40 though. I can get away with that shit. I'm so young. God damn it, I'm so young. There's no one younger. So I go, bye. so young god damn it i'm so young there's no one younger um so so i go bye really obnoxious to his face so but yeah um what was i talking about the eminem thing yeah so uh so yeah so here's how it went down because i know people are asking because i see it so i did the impression eminem obviously tweeted about it and then logic and eminem did a song logic put uh eminem wanted to put me on the end of it they called my

manager my manager said okay and so then i i let him have it and then he's like logic wants to call you okay calling and so logic called me, talked to Logic. Logic's the nicest guy I ever met in my fucking life over the phone. We talked. We bullshitted. And then he was like, I got an idea for the video. I think maybe it would be a cool video if, like, you did the Eminem's part. And I was like, you know, of course.

I'll do it. So then I fucking showed up on the set, and they showed me Eminem's impression of me. They had already shot it in Detroit or some shit, and it was fucking unbelievable to see Eminem dressed in a wig that would look like mine, and he was doing, and I couldn't believe my eyes, and they put my fucking fucking wig on and then I wrapped Eminem's part. It took about five hours and then I fucking did it and then it came out like three weeks later

and my life's different now. What would DJ Khaled say? My price just went up. What would would he say what would that fucking guy say uh uh not my price what would he say i fucking my my price just went up i think was that what he would say i don't know whatever he, you know, still in the meeting. My price went up. My price just went up. That's the best.

DJ Khaled, you know, it's so funny that somebody could get so famous that everyone has to fucking recognize them no matter what. Like, I see like DJ Khaled in like videos with Mark Wahlberg. And I'm like, Mark Wahlberg, what the fuck are you doing? You're a real actor, and you're really good and cool and fucking a family man and killing it, and you got Wahlbergers. What the fuck are you doing associating with a guy who's still in the meeting? I'm still in the meeting. I'm still in the meeting. Somebody get, that's the thing,

that's the goal is to get that famous to where you could just do shit like be on a jet ski and be like, my price just went up and still have to have like a legit A-list actor be like,

all right, well, if I'm in a video with him, I guess I'll get with the kids. I'll get the kids. I'll be fucking, I'll be popping with the kids. I'll get the kids. I'll be fucking, I'll be popping with the kids. I mean, DJ Khaled is basically TikTok.

Still in a meeting. Remember when DJ Khaled did the fucking lat workouts? Bro, I almost fucking fainted. He was doing it so bad. But yeah, I don't know. I guess you got to you gotta i guess if i was here we go dj college hitting the weights look this is the best oh it's three minutes of it jesus christ he just i i want to meet dj i bet he's a fucking he's he's probably a nice guy right he probably fucking busts a nut so quick.

It's unbelievable. Like he's never had a fucking orgasm longer than half a second. Like it'll just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he just goes, and that's it. And then he just rolls over. He goes, he's the quickest sleeper after an orgasm. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

And that's it. And that's it. Like a lion. You know how they do it real quick and he goes my price just went up i can't i can't not make him sound like ll cool j i don't remember what dj khaled sounds like um but yeah just fucking uh whatever you know what dj god i i yeah what is he worth what's dj khaled worth this shit's never right but what's his net worth yeah 35 million dollars i would think it'd be more than that the guy produces fucking everything

it probably is that shit's always wrong i think on mine it says mine's like fucking 400 million dollars and i'm like okay well when can i see that um so uh yeah people i was uh bro someone talked to me so close the other day like where their breath was just on my face and it wasn't bad breath oh and i said to him hey man i i and he was a it was a big guy big white guy that just was talking to me and i said whoa whoa whoa and i put my hand out and he said oh what's up i said sorry man you can say whatever you want you're just way too close and he said, oh, what's up? I said, sorry, man, you can say whatever you want. You're just way too close. And he said, oh, sorry, man. And that's fine.

That was it. It ended there. But I don't like doing that because you're making me be in a position where I have to fucking tell you the societal rules of conversation. OK, be a fucking. Foot and a half away, at least. Okay? If not, if not, I have a new rule. I'm going to fucking make out with you.

I'm going to fucking start hooking up with you, dude. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl. You could be 90. If you're talking to me that close, I'm going to start fucking hooking up with you. If you talk to me and you're like this, doesn't matter who you are. I move in for the kiss. And then when you go, what the fuck are you doing? I say, oh, what?

Oh, no. You moved in on me and I. You moved in on me to kiss me and talk, right? And when they say, whoa, dude, and then when the cops come because, you know, some guys will probably try to beat the shit out of me because of it, I'll say, dude, he tried to fucking kiss me and now he's mad that I was trying to kiss back.

And the cops go, what? And they talk to the guy and they say, no, I was just having a conversation. And then the cops go, how close were you? And he goes, I don't know. And I go go, what? And they talk to the guy and they say, no, I was just having a conversation. And then the cops go, how close were you? And he goes, I don't know. And I go, he was really close. And then someone took it on video maybe and I'll show him the video and the cops will be like, oh yeah, he tried to kiss you because you tried to fucking kiss him.

It's so ridiculous when people talk so close to you. Kiss that person. Try for real to for real kiss that person. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout?

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it's worth it if I could fuck up your whole day and try to kiss you give me that mouth so yeah the Eminem thing was fucking cool. I got to do that. It's actually awesome. I watched clips of the video for the first two days. And then I was like, wait, I never actually watched the video.

And then I watched it on the second, on like the third day. And I was like, Jesus Christ. It kind of gave me chills. I was like, dude, this is fucking incredible, actually. Like, when I was 18, Eminem came out on the scene, and I was like, whoa, this guy's fucking amazing. And he was like one of my favorite rappers. And now I'm in a video, and not only am I playing him, he's playing me. It was just really incredible.

Those moments are, you know, few and far in between in your life, but, um, that was one of them and I'm very grateful for it. I really am. So that's what's up. I had a fucking, uh, yo, do you know that there's, uh, speakers that you, for, if you're pregnant, you could put a speaker in your vagina and play music for the baby. That's a thing. That's something. And the baby can hear music and it's just supposed to calm the baby and stuff like this. And that's a product.

And doctors are like, hey, don't use it, idiots. Do you know why? Because you should never put electronics up inside your pussy. Is that something that needs to be said? Hey, don't put electronics in your pussy. Do you know why? Electronics. Imagine that shit just putting a fucking,

being so dumb that you're like, oh, I got to buy that and put music up my pussy so my fucking unborn child can listen to Josh Groban. Imagine, do you turn it on first and then put it in or do you put it in and then turn it on? How do you even know if it's playing? It's just like, it's just like fucking. Here we go.

Here we go. We'll turn on. You raise me up and I, the fight is mountain. And then you stick it in. It's kind of funny. Take it out a little bit. Raise me up. Dude, that's so fucking.

Dude, that's so fucking... What other fucking... You're just in line in fucking Starbucks? Where the fuck is that coming from? Is that the... No, but it's muffled. And then that's a commercial. And then the girl looks over and says, It's my pussy speakers.

My son's going to be musical. Just fucking, what's that? Or maybe it's like a fucking, what's this song? Or it's this song? It's probably a... Dude, Alvin and the Chipmunks, you know? Dude, there's pussy speakers.

What do you call them? I don't even know. We got to do that. Why do you listen to this podcast? Talking about pussy speaker all there's so many fucking electronics and shit baby what baby pod it's called you stick them in your in you can you put it baby pod Let's look this up. Baby pod. Oh, it was on the Ellen show?

Come on, Ellen. Oh. Baby pod is a device for sharing music with your baby for stimulating the baby's development during pregnancy. Hey, you know what's fine, dude? Not doing that. You know what's fine? Just letting your baby gestate in your pussy. Just letting the... gestate in your pussy. Just letting the...

Look at this. Music stimulates the baby before birth. No, it doesn't. This is a scientific fact. No. It says who. But how to convey the musical stimulus. In the same way that we cannot hear what is going on inside,

the baby cannot hear what is happening outside. And that's fine. This is also a fact. The soft tissues absorb and scatter sound. Only from within we can stimulate the baby. 3D ultrasound scans demonstrate this. Once your child can hear the music, the baby's brain receives a stimulus signal.

You look and inside the baby's doing TikTok, it's just like... It's just like all fast and shit. Like a horror movie only funky. I mean, dude. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh! Look how the baby sticks out its tongue when the music's on.

Like it's playing Axl Rose. The baby's just like this. Oh my god, dude. Imagine fucking being that much of an idiot that you get a baby pod and stick it in your pud and then fucking... Fuck that too. You play... Fuck that. fucking fuck that too you play fuck that i would get bluetooth and fuck up and and try and try to

um hook in and make their baby listen to shit like this and just all of a sudden girls like this what the fuck's going on in my pussy in line at fucking target what the fuck's going on in my pussy and it just blew syncing the bluetooth in and playing some actual rose and the baby's in there

just going like this baby baby like this they're like how does he even know about the drums let's play more How does he even know about the drums? Let's find more.

Oh, shut up, dude. They got a USB with the umbilical cord. You're already giving your baby a universal stimulus. Send him a message from before birth. You're already giving your baby a universal stimulus. You know what it is? Life. You know? That's the most universal stimulus, you fucking product. Make sure it reaches your child.

I mean, come on, dude. Stimulus. What if you could start now? Give your baby a universal stimulus. Send him a message from before birth and make sure it reaches your child. Come on, dude. Dude, they have an instruction. They have a little thing that they're holding,

and then it shows the person inserting it in their vagina, and then it shows a fucking phone opening the music app and then plugging in headphones. Ha! Saccrass. Dude. Now, Bluetooth music inside your pussy to your baby. I would only buy it if they said it like that, to be honest.

And then the... You think gay guys would get this and put it in their butt? Talk to your shit. Music is not life. Life is life. Let the baby just have life and then let it choose what music. Imagine it was me. Dude, imagine it was.

Imagine you don't want the fucking music. Imagine you're down want the fucking music. Imagine you're down south and you're like, play fucking Travis Tritt for the little critter. And then you put it in your pussy and it's just like fucking some... And it's just like me. I'm like, I fucking hate country music. And for nine months you're just listening to fucking... Home, I'm home on the range.

You're just listening to Travis Tritt, Great Day to Be Alive. You know? You're just fucking some baby. Come on. Look at him. Look at him. And you got to hear that as a baby dude? Let's look up how to use.

Baby pod, how to use. Baby pod, how to use. Okay, there we go. How to use. Newborns, how to use. Baby moon pod, no? No, no, no, no we go. How to use. Newborns, how to, baby moon pod. No, no, no, no, no, no. You should look up the video or just.

All right. How to use. Oh, got it. Okay. Baby pod. What is, I will go to babypod.com. Don't get this okay because doctors would obviously not want this here we go babypod.com is it babypod babypod.com dot net

lied i'm on fire baby pod net uh it's very easy to start oh why is it in fucking spanish for me here we go how to use it's very easy to start get into a comfortable position number one gently insert the free end of baby pod until it's inside the vagina. Well, obviously you're not going to put the fucking phone in there. The free end, insert the phone part into your pussy. Make sure it's on airplane mode so you don't get a call. Number two, connect the jack plug into your smartphone. If you want to, number three, if you want to share the music your baby is listening to, there is another audio input on the top of the connector for your headphones. I mean, is it for the baby or what?

You're like, oh, I want to listen too. Number four, so selfish. Number four, to remove your baby pod, just pull gently on the connection cord or fucking make a bowel movement move that's so absolutely asinine baby pod hygiene here under it there is none it's in your pussy and that's gross uh recommendations and cautions remember that cleaning baby pod to assure hygiene is essential before and after each use with baby pod closed clean the outside of the mild soap and water. Yeah, okay.

Do not submerge your baby pod underwater. I mean, if you can't submerge it underwater, you shouldn't put it in your fucking pussy, huh? That's a good rule. To clean the inside of your baby pod, open it clockwise. Warning. Here's a warning. Avoid the inside part connected to the cable getting wet. That's hardly a warning. Avoid the inside part connected to the cable getting wet. That's hardly a warning.

They got a... Why is it in Spanish here? Oh, it's made in Mexico. That's how you know it's good. ...developed the baby pod, a speaker that's inserted into the vagina like a tampon and then connected to a music player a fetus is protected by amionic fluid a membrane the uterine wall and the vaginal wall distorted audio can pass through these layers but the developers of the baby pod say research shows clear sound to the womb is only possible via the vagina the oh really researchers at baby pod say Oh, really? Researchers at BabyPod say that?

Nah. That's weird that they're fucking researchers of BabyPod say that BabyPod works. C-A-C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L-S. Oh, man. Imagine buying something from fucking Barcelona. For real. That's not food. Or another.

Oh, we don't want your baby starting to headbang. Pop volume is 54 decibels. Users of the device offered testimonials saying ultrasound. They have these like fucking animated like people on this video. They're not like they don't even have a real actors doing this because they know like real actors be like, what the fuck? What the fuck are we doing? This is horrible. fuck are we doing this is horrible and show their babies appear to move their mouths or respond to music coming from an inserted baby pod baby pod costs around 160 US dollars to music come on listen this part saying ultrasound scan show their babies appear to move their mouths or respond to music coming from

an inserted baby pod baby pod costs around 160 US dollars and parents can Dude, this is real? Imagine fucking listening to music and you were plugged into your own vagina. Dude. What the fuck? This is something that would be like something in the early 90s. But there were no smartphones in the early 90s, so Barcelona is catching the fuck up. I just can't believe someone would really buy this. I got to do ads.

This is just wild. All right, ads. Baby pod. So have you guys ever had a baby? Well, guess what? You can listen to music with your baby. All you have to do is insert a baby pod in your pussy. And for now, right on, all you got to do is go to babypod.com slash congrats, and you can get the pussy speakers.

All right. For real ads. I always thought it was weird when they would say, it's the bat. Or, hey, the Batman. It's so funny how every Batman movie when they try to introduce Batman, though, they always try to make it in the beginning like so mysterious. Like the guys wouldn't be like, oh, it's that fucking asshole dressed up as a bat. But they're like they don't want to like give them the name first. They don't want to immediately call him Batman.

Like they love to like be like cool and mysterious and show the inception of how you would create the name that like batman and then they always are and then they always get like classic with it and say the batman but at first it is always oh look it's the bat like it dude if there was a guy dressed up as anything a batman or whatever you would literally just be like, oh, it's that fucking asshole dressed up like a bat. I didn't know that that was real, but okay. Illegal activity goes on in the docks. Straight up, dude. I need to get a baby bod.

Okay, so what else, dude? So what the fuck else, man? I love you guys, dude. I love you guys for listening. I love doing this podcast. Fucking backing it up. You know what I mean? Brinksing it up. you know what i mean brinks in it up i don't you know what i mean and i'm still so young i'm fucking i would never be 40 dude are you kidding me when i turn

40 i'm going to start to level up in fame and shit I need to start dressing crazy I need to get a fucking green cape with a big like collar that goes up like I'm a marvel character and a like a medallion that that like just keeps it kind of tethered on me or hooked on me. And just walk around at the comedy store and be like, am I on next? I need to start doing that shit, dude. I'm really dropping the ball with fucking dressing like a motherfucker. And I'm not talking about like ASAP Rocky and Fashion Week.

I'm talking about like leveling it the fuck up. Like just a Marvel character. Like what the fuck? Who is he? And I just am fucking. And I got the baby pot in my asshole. And it's this. And I switch it.

And every time I fucking. If I steal your girl. In my butthole. The baby pot in my butthole And then if you talk shit and I talk shit back quick In my butthole And then if I'm just chilling Having a good time

In my butthole And then if fucking shit goes on And I start to level up In my butthole And then if fucking And then whenever I'm fucking, in my butthole, in my fucking butthole, dude.

Do you understand? This is a family-friendly podcast, and I want you to listen to it with your fucking real actual babies. And then I want this in my... That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. Huh? That ain't no problem. Just hear this in my... That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. Huh?

That ain't no problem. Just hear it in my... You know what fucking Sean and Sharp sounds like there? Like he's underwater. I was... Did you guys... Dude, there was an earthquake in LA. I didn't feel the first one because I was sleeping.

I sleep through those motherfuckers. After driving on that bus and sleeping on that bus, I could sleep through an earthquake. But the second one was a 7.1 and it was somewhere that no one ever is. But we felt it in LA. And I was holding it down at the fucking coffee bean and it started rolling. I was with my bud and it started rolling, dude. And we felt it and it was crazy, dude. Outside.

You ever feel an earthquake outside? That's when you really know it's a big one because you're not supposed to feel them outside. And then my parents sent me pictures of stuff that fell off a bookshelf. But it was fine. Everything was fine. My buddy was on stage at the Laugh Factory when the – actually, Mike was on. Mike Linoche was on stage at the Laugh Factory, and I think Ron Funches was on at the improv.

I don't know who was on at the comedy store. It was early, so it was – who knows? It might have been some kind of – I don't know. But yeah, dude. That was a big one, man. I remember I was in – I was here for the Northridge quake, dude, that was a big one, man. I remember I was here for the Northridge quake, though, and that was like 12.

And I stopped a dresser from falling on my friend. My mom likes to tell everybody that I saved my friend's life. You know, I don't like to fucking call myself a hero, but, you know, I did. I stopped a dresser from falling on Sean Mutch's face. And that would have been sad. I got in the doorway. Everything was falling. Dude, it was crazy, man.

I don't get freaked out by the earthquake. The manager at the laugh factor was like, hey, man, are you scared or you're all good? And I was like, yeah, it's no big deal. He's like, oh, yeah, okay. Because I come from, you know, like, what do you call it? Not tornado, but what do you call it turn that tornado but uh what do you call them no hurricane i come from hurricane uh you know land and i don't get nervous a hurricane but man the earthquakes freak me out i was like bro it's fine and he was like okay well if you're cool then i guess it's all good i was like yeah it's fine just the worst is gonna happen

is something's gonna fall off his shelf what do you think is gonna happen like a plane's gonna hit you like a fucking like stoplights Like a plane's going to hit you? Like a fucking stoplights are going to be falling over? And you're going to see Tom Cruise running down the street? I guess, though, the San Andreas fault is the one that runs all up and down the fucking coast. And that was the one that got rocked at a San Francisco World Series

or something, where Will Clark was carrying the baby but uh yeah that shit is uh it's pretty gangster when the world starts fucking shaking i don't know uh but everywhere you go there's something to be scared of and earthquakes to me for some reason are not as scary maybe it's because i've been in la for a while but like i'd much rather be on in during an earthquake than a fucking tornado like when you see those fucking things come for your house at least for an earthquake you can't see it and maybe you would argue that that's less scary but dude when you can see that shit like there's different levels of being scared you know how like when they're like like like uh in horror movies like it used to be scary like jason and

like fucking uh michael myers how about that there's a fucking actor also named michael myers too you know like what that'd be like i'm gonna name my fucking son fucking son Freddy Krueger. Freddy Krueger D'Elia. And I'm never going to cut his nails. No, but yeah, people are like, and people are always like, and the scariest, I don't know. For some reason, I have this thing where like horror movies like, and the scariest part is you can't see him. Or like when they turn the lights out in the fucking Lights Out movie. And then you see the ghost and you you've got to shine the light, and if you can't see it, it's scarier.

That's not scarier. That's not scarier. Now I can prove it. All right, imagine if you're on a cruise, and it's night, and you're in the middle of the ocean, and you see this vast ocean. That's very scary because you don't know what's out there, right? But imagine seeing a big fucking monster come out of that goddamn sea and you just oh it's over dude shit all over my easies immediately it's scarier when you can see it dude i never agreed with that shit

wow i legitimately don't even know what i start why i started talking about this what was it earthquake yeah it's way scary if you can see a fucking tornado coming towards your house. How about storm chasers, dude? They deserve to get swept the fuck up, but it's all in the name of science. I get science is dangerous, you know? Science is dangerous as shit.

One time I was at a Starbucks and a guy came in and he was i was like is this guy crazy or not sometimes you can't tell if a guy's crazy or just like hip in la so like if they're homeless or trendy you know and he came in and i was like is this guy fucking is this guy homeless or is he just did he does he have a clothing line? And he walked in and he literally just said, science is everywhere. And then left. And I was like, crazy. Science is everywhere is what he felt like telling the fucking coffee shop. I pray to be that fucking out to lunch when I get older. When I finally grow up, I pray to be that fucking insane.

To just walk into a place, tell someone science is everywhere, and then just bounce and be like, did my goddamn job for the day. You know how good he felt after he said that too? Because some people are crazy and you can tell it really affects them and it hurts them. And they look so stressed but some people just walk in they say science is everywhere they did their job and they walked out and they like fucking that's the kind of crazy i want to be just fucking pop in and let somebody know some business and then pop the fuck out do like a spin move out? That's the shit,

bro. But what is this? Someone made a song? Should I play it? Should I play it? Should I play it? Is it funny? Yeah. All right, cool. We'll play this.

A true baby made this song. I heard that you were into... This is from Pat O'Kane. I heard that you were into cool 1980s music. I am. So I made a cool 1980s song just for you and all the babies. I will absolutely send a mix if you want to use it. Well, we're playing it right here, buddy.

Never heard it yet. I you want to use it. Well, we're playing it right here, buddy. Never heard it yet. I'm listening to it first. Oh, wow. Oh, this rips. Oh, it's got my voice on it? This rips, right? Yeah, upload it or something. This is just a video of a computer.

This rips. I'll fuck to this. I'll get ready in the morning to do do it i'll drive to work with it i don't have a job right now but i'll fucking drive to work well i'll go to my gigs and do it that rips bro 80s music who the when once they got to 80s music they should have just stopped and been like this is the music from now on how did they go on after that the music was just like dude 80s music ripped they fit you know what 80s music was they figured it out we've been alive for however many years we

finally figured it out it rips period that's it we're done with the music we made it everything from now on is 80s music and then they came out with the fucking 90s music and shit and it's all bullshit from there on. It's fucking whatever it is. Should we look up some of the misconnections or no? Jersey Shore misconnections? Man, I feel like Jersey Shore was made for misconnections.

Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore misconnections? Man, I feel like Jersey Shore was made for misconnections. Wow, this one's so Jersey because he's using stuff in quotes. How Jersey is it to use stuff in quotes? Let's help each other. Red Bank. Any ladies quote unquote. What?

Like you mean, hey hey do you mean dudes if ladies is in quotes you mean dudes dressed as ladies any ladies intro intro interested in a weekly arrangement quotes where we help each other inquiring minds want to know do not contact me when unsolicited services or office any ladies interested in a weekly arrangement hey man just say you want i mean why are you acting like you're not ordering a hooker let's go to another one here so jersey to use quotes for no reason male looking for mail eat in town just a regular guy here looking for another regular guy to hang out with shoot me an email let's talk do not go sad email shoot me an email if you want to be buddies

hey just a guy here over in eaton town you want to hang just fucking shoot me an email you know what i mean we'll fucking chill get a pizza or something when jersey guys put r on the end of pizza for no fucking reason hey we got extra r's here in fucking jersey so we just draw them on the end of pizzas pizza hey you want a pizza there's no r in the pizza i know we got these extra oz fucking lying around all over the fucking place in new jersey can't stick them on the end of much so we just stick them on the end of pizza anyway email me if you want to fucking remail me huh what's that ah we got an extra all we threw it on the fucking beginning of email. Remail. Remail me some pizza.

Alright, next one. Conceited mean girl wanted. Your dad died early. Somebody fucking wrote me once and they were like, instead, I'm a huge fan. You might want to think about saying, not saying your dad died early because my dad did die early and every time I say that I get a little sad.

Why don't you say your dad left early? So, okay, for you, concede a mean girl wanted. Hey, dude, your dad left early. That actually might be funnier. Oh, the body of this. Loser available. Ah! loser available dude grow up hey dude do push-ups

hey dude do push-ups loser available also loser available like this guy just owns a print shop hey what's up loser available for use and abuse in quotes said jersey by conceited self-centered mean girl no sex or drugs please just attitude call steve not going to give his number obviously of course his name's steve do not contact me on service call steve hey loser available dude loser available the fact that he uses the word available to got this guy he's probably a ceo of a company of a company he's probably a ceo of a company loser available imagine being friends with this guy and and meeting a conceited girl and she's just like yeah i just can't find a guy, you know?

And you're like, you know, I know there's a loser available. I could introduce you to my friend Steve. He's interested in use and abuse. Really? Really? Yes! Loser available.

Wow. Your dad left early. Your dad hightailed it early. That's amazing, dude. It's cool how... My back hurts. It's cool how... My back hurts. It's all good. I just like Shane West's Instagram posts on you.

That's how it goes. That's how it goes. That's how respectful I am on you guys. I wanted to do it. I did do it. And I did it because I'm respectful to you babies. Because this is a cult. And I did it because I'm respectful to you babies, because this is a cult and I am the way I am. And the reason why I am the way I am, I can be the leader of this cult. And you're welcome for liking Shane West's Instagram post during this podcast you're listening to during this job that I have.

Guy with LA hat in Belmar, Belmar areamar area anyone know this guy he is so hot always walking with a girl i think is his wife safar not that i care it's a disrespectful if you see this maybe we can get a drink together i am the blonde girl near fifth ave eh sir homewrecker hey anyone know this guy? L.A. Hat and Belmar. He's so hot walking with a girl. I think it's his wife. Don't give a fuck.

Trying to wreck his home. Do not contact me. The unsolicited service. Loser available over here. Just wow. I love these motherfuckers, dude. There's so many problems with people, deep-seated problems. Why does this happen, though?

Still, that happens. Didn't we stop that? Or no? No, we stopped this, where it comes forward. This fucking mic stand sucks. It's all good, but this mic stand sucks. Yes! Fucking yes!

It keeps fucking going closer to my mouth and falling down. Yes! Dude, it hits my face. Fuck yeah! Woo! Everything I need in this podcast is all right here, and it fucking goes away. I don't want it. Yes!

Yes! Next misconnection. Mechanic needed. Probably not. Let's check. Looking for a mechanic to help me out and likes to play to no older than 55. Likes to play 2. Wrong 2. No older than 45. I'm a discreet

guy looking for another discreet guy. Please message me. Yep, you don't need a mechanic. You need a fucking lobotomy. All good! Don't need a mechanic. Need a shrink. All good. Mechanic needed. Looking for a mechanic to help me out. Likes to play too. No older than 45. Don't need a mechanic. Need a shrink. All good. Don't need a mechanic just need to sit down for an hour a week all good i'll fucking kill it dude i should be in the new ariel movie why are people so pissed off she's was she black who gives a fuck dude she's a mermaid she's not real i'm surprised people aren't saying well it's disrespectful of course they give the mermaid the black of course can't be a regular human it was a fucking bajuman i'm surprised people aren't saying, well, it's disrespectful. Of course they give the mermaid to black.

Of course it can't be a regular human if it's a fucking bajoon. I'm surprised that that didn't happen. Of course. People are always like, oh, you make the purple guy black. Oh, George, oh, George Irving, sure. I'm surprised people aren't pissed off.

Alas, they will be. Oh yeah, when they made Will Smith fucking not blue and then they made him blue? Of course! Hey, guys. Sit down for a week. Sit down for an hour a week. Hey, guys. Chill. Stop tweeting. And sit down for an hour a week hey guys chill stop tweeting and sit down

for an hour a week I like how I'm calling people crazy and in the beginning of the podcast I said I wanted to make out with people who talk too close to me that's how it is dude mechanic needed fuck my butt you know That's how it is, dude. Mechanic needed. Fuck my butt. You know?

Mechanic needed. Suck me off. So don't go together. Oh, wow, dude. It's all good, dude. I'm chilling. Life's good. My back hurts?

Yeah. My nose is less dry than it used to be, though. It's a give and take symbiotic relationship, right? I should probably end this fucking podcast. Should we look up some other stuff just for fucking shits, dude? I love that you're listening, you guys. I love all you guys listening. Thanks so much.

I really have a good time doing this podcast um did you see that guy fucking end that ufc fight in fucking four seconds just need him in the face and it was over and then he gave the most s of the shit interview of all time did you see it what was the guy oh fuck who was the guy? Fuck, who was the guy? UFC. UFC. Here. Okay, yeah, here it is. Jorge. What is his name?

Yeah, Jorge. Here it is. Listen to this guy. Okay. Fastest KO in history. Here it is. Fastest knockout in UFC history. Wait, this is the good part. I'll just play here.

Here we go. I think I bring a very real thing to this fighting thing, and that's just baptizing people i'm not god but i'm i'm putting in another planet when i'm done with them ask about some other criticisms perhaps of your celebration afterwards any regrets at the celebration or your behavior in the cage afterwards uh man there's not too many people that i've disliked i have over 50 pro fights and he's one of them you know he talked about my manhood talked about my culture my ethnicity where do we draw why do certain people get to do stuff you online so you could do anything everything is cool before a fight

you're allowed to do and say whatever you want like other fighters are not doing talking about people's religions wife even kids that's cool but after a fight i'm not allowed to showboat and rub it in your face so you and guys like you could see it and be like, maybe I don't talk so much s**t because when I cross one of these real s**ts, they're going to make me pay for it, man. I think I bring a very real thing to myself. And he also said if he saw him at the supermarket, he would beat the s**t out of him.

So that's crazy. And then, of course, somebody writes masvidal for president imagine if he was for real the president masvidal whatever i don't even want to do that fucking stupid shit bit i give up dude i fucking give up, dude. I fucking give up, bro. It's like... Dude, you got to get the fucking baby pod and put it in your pussy or ass. New baby pod for men. You can put it in your dick hole and just have sex and then shoot the speaker in the...

You know what I mean? Anyway. All right, dude. you know what I mean anyway alright dude we're gonna be done because I gotta go I gotta flight download the Crystalia app you can watch the podcast before anybody and I see your comments and shit while I'm doing it too

and you should support the show we got new merch we got those no dent slides for the summer and then we got the merch. We got those no-dent slides for the summer. And then we got the My Future's Too Bright t-shirts, which are the illest t-shirts so far. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Rate and review the show, please. Tweet me if you want. Video episodes go up a day

after the audio podcast. I think You is coming out in December, I saw. And I'm on a bunch of episodes of that. So thank you for listening. And you guys are awesome. Science is everywhere. Thank you. Outro Music