Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 129. In The Trunk

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about David Caruso one liners. Also discussed: Giannis Antetokounmpo, mediterranean food, a drunk flight attendant, the full English breakfast, Chamillionaire, and Detroit Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions what's up babies episode 129 of and we're loving it, man. Let's Detroit. God bless Detroit, man. You guys, first show's selling out already. I think it might be sold out at this point. So the Detroit babies, I don't know if it has to do with Eminem or what, dude.

But you guys really came through. Really appreciate it. Really really preach you know um and uh let's see where i'm gonna be i'm gonna be in san jose and i'm gonna be in las vegas and uh santa barbara riverside san diego foxwoods bethlehem rochester new york new. And then I'm shooting my special after New Buffalo. And I'm doing it in Minneapolis, Minnesota. So Tampa, Florida as well. Another show went on sale because the first one sold out. You guys are the best, even though some of you guys probably killed people or something like that. Anyway, it's it's it's it it's monday and i was in um atlantic city i did some

shows in atlantic city and i did some shows in um tarrytown tarrytown is this place in new york i would tell people in the city they'd be like where you're performing i said tarrytown they said what's that that's crazy to have a place that the whole fucking place doesn't know where it is you know i'm talking about um so you know get on the level man new york understand what tarrytown is because it's in your fucking state so you know if somebody says california and they're like hey san jose i know where the fuck that is man although there probably is our places but i even know where Redding is, man, in California. Could you imagine how smart I am?

I even know where Redding is. So go unk yourself. Unk yourself. Yeah, dude. Who knows what this episode will be called? Who knows what's going on? I got this big news coming out today. And I keep waiting for it to come out so I can announce it on the podcast, but it's not out yet.

So I can't say it, but I promised some big news, and they told me that it was going to be dropped. They have to drop it first is the thing, that I can't say it, but it's very cool. And there's also my brother started a podcast, Matt D'Elia, so go check that out, and it just came out today. And, you know, I was in Atlantic City. God, New Jersey. I'm from New Jersey, and I love New Jersey, and it's so New Jersey, dude. Threw some guys out in the crowd, of course,

because it's so New Jersey. I had, but yeah, I've been on this TikTok kick, man. Dude, TikTok, I keep talking about it, and it's a very cringe app. And I realize that I only do apps, like social media apps. Like, I realize because, like, with, like, Vine and, like, even Instagram. Instagram's a little different. But, like, I always feel like I'm doing an impression of someone doing the actual shit on the app. Like I'm never actually, I never feel like I'm

actually doing it, but I suppose I am. You know, it's like, if you're doing it ironically, you're still kind of doing it. And that is kind of, it's like, in a way I'm kind of the hipster that's got the fucking ironic mustache that curls up. It's like you're still a dick for having it. Even though it's a joke, you still look like that, and I'm angry for it. Oh, you're wearing suspenders? Ironically, you still look like a fucking barber in the 1820s, and I'm angry at it. You know? I'm angry at it.

You know? So, yeah, you could wear wire rim glasses and too much gel and have it curl over your fucking forehead. You can do that in Williamsburg. But I'm still angry just as I would be if you meant it um anyway um I was in uh uh yeah so but I do so I did oh man and I did it oh man it makes me laugh the tiktoks make me laugh dude I saw a guy doing a tiktok the other day and there was a part where it goes where the guy on the song goes raw and the guy goes like this raw like fucking trying to be sexy dude anytime a guy tries to be sexy you're not sexy you can't be sexy except by mistake as a guy a girl can fucking do the thing where they they get out of a pool and whip their hair around and they know they're doing it

because their tits are all out and shit and guys are like you can mean to be sexy as a girl for a guy if you mean to be sexy you're making pussies dry it's all good but pussies turn into the sahara dude if you're a fucking dude and you're thinking, I'm goddamn sexy, you're making twats dry. So, yeah. It's not cool. It's not cool to be sexy as a dude. It's just cool to be a dude. This is as sexy as you can get as a dude and know it.

Put it on a leather jacket and being like, wow, this leather jacket's dope. That's as sexy as you can get as a dude. jacket and being like wow this leather jacket's dope that's as sexy as you can get as a dude if you're like these dudes you know these fucking dudes are chicks bro if you're a dude and you're trying to be sexy guess what you got tits you're a chick okay cool moving on all good hey dude it's all good the conversation's over and it's fine that you're a chick, but you're a chick. And so I was in a – I stayed in New York for a night or two. I can't remember how long.

Who knows? All the days run together. Everything's the same, and it's all good. and I walked into Nike in Soho, dude. It's like hilarious how much they just jump on board with whoever the MVP is. It's that Greek dude. What's his name? Whoever the MVP was this year. He's Greek as shit.

And, dude, I walked into the Soho Nike, and it was like unbelievable, dude. They were into the Soho Nike, and it was, like, unbelievable, dude. They were serving coffee in Greek cups. Everything was blue and white. Giannis, well, obviously, go up so I can read the name. So that's all good. So that's his last name. Giannis Yantetikonkonkonkonkonkonkonponpo.

So he was the thing. And dude, everything was Greek. Everything was fucking Greek. It was so crazy. They gave you falafel as you left. Is that even Greek? I don't know. Nope.

Who cares? Doesn't matter. Dub meh. I don't like falafel. That's it. That's as far as that conversation goes. Don't like falafel. And I don't like, you know what I don't like?

Gyros. Hey, all that stuff belongs not in that thing. Beef belongs on its own. If you got like a chunk of beef, don't put it in a sandwich. What are you trying to do? Stop up your colon? Hey, hey, oh, dude, I would eat a gyro, except I'm trying to shit sometimes. I feel like when you eat a gyro, you eat the gyro and you break it up

in your mouth and you chew it and then it goes down in your stomach and then it all forms again it's like the fucking T2 T2000 or whatever it is like you could blast it open but then when it melts and it gets in your stomach basically that's the thing and then it just congeals and then it becomes a gyro again and then it stops up your colon

cool gyros dude also gyro That's the thing. And then it just congeals and then it becomes a Euro again. And then it stops up your colon. Cool. Euros, dude. Also, gyro. My opener loves Euros. But he farts on the ground, so it's all good. How fucking... Every time he sees a Euro, he's like, oh, I got to get the Euro.

Dude, he's such a cuda, man. You know how many Philly cheesesteaks? Every time we go to Philadelphia, he's like, I got to get the Philly cheesesteak, man. It doesn't matter where. We go to a fucking car wash. He's like, oh, they got Philly cheesesteaks here. I'm going to eat one. But gyros, meat or sandwich wrap? Bursa, developed in Bursa.

Isn't that a part of your back? Whatever, dude. It doesn't, you know, lung. So, yeah. But Nike was so Greek-themed. It greek themed it was unbelievable it was like they're just like oh we fucking love it we love we just jump onto their heritage they're just like oh we love it we love it we're greek dude did you know that we have greek employees that guy is uh we were talking about who's...

Because he's like 6'10", and he's really good. And then my buddy was like, yeah, he could be the next LeBron. And I was like, yeah, but LeBron's a superstar because LeBron's handsome, you know? And my buddy was like, LeBron's not handsome. And I was like, he's not? He was like, I don't know. I can't tell.

How about guys who pretend that they can't tell if other guys are handsome or not because they think it's gay and they're so homophobic? It's not – you can tell if a guy is handsome just because – you don't have to be gay. But the one thing I do want to talk about actually, on the flight out to – it got so delayed. But on the flight out to – where was I going? Dude, this is unbelievable. Just wait for this. I got to go to our text chain because this is where it was. Here.

Dude, they got so – we were so delayed to go into – we were flying into New York from Albuquerque. I was, just me um and we were so delayed and they they this flight was crazy all right it was from minneapolis i think to to new jfk and the you decide this because the the steward, or I don't know if they just call them stewards now because, you know, the times are changing. But she was so – she sounded so drunk it was unbelievable, dude. Okay? So this is talking about, you're going to have your chairs up in an upright position. It's all good. Like, that's what she was saying.

Upright position. So this is the shit that she was saying here. You decide if she's drunk or not, dude. Okay, you decide. If this happens, reach up and pull a mask toward you. You decide. on freight. Secure your own masks before helping others. Oxygen masks are located in the overhead panel in the laboratory. Oxygen. Secure your own mask so they make sure

you get it. And then it's oxygen. Oxygen, dude. So drunk. And then she would walk down and I'd be trying to smell this girl. I'm like, is she having alcohol? And I was trying to look at her. She didn't look drunk, dude. She's like 50. Dude, i couldn't believe it i saved this shit and there's another one hold on okay and then i and then i thought maybe and then some weird shit was going on

and this dude oh dude i was sitting at a bar before because the flight was delayed so much and i got a fucking salmon because you know I'm healthy babies you know how I do it and this dude was sitting next to me and he was so loud and he was drunk and he was just he would do he would he would be like oh because you know Tom Brady yada yada like so loud and then he would laugh and he'd go oh oh oh and I was like oh i and i was like i wanted to fucking knock this guy out right but i was like maybe he's got a problem it's all good you know maybe he's got a drinking problem and as you know i i feel for that right so we were so late and then we we exited the gate and we were about to take off and then the pilot goes like this uh so ladies and gentlemen we got to go back to the gate there There's something with customer service.

And I just go, I rolled my eyes so hard. I thought they fell on the floor. Okay. And then I was like, what's going on? And then I look behind and there's this guy standing up and it's that guy. And he's like, well, I don't know where my bag is. And the stewardess is like, okay, well, we'll find it. And he was like, I don't know which one. I don't

know where it is. He couldn't remember where he put his fucking bag, dude. Up on the top of the thing. He found one. He was like, I have a computer bag back there somewhere. And she's like, okay, well, we'll find it. We gotta get it. We gotta get him off the plane. He was so drunk, they got him off the plane. They kicked him off the plane because he was drunk.

And then the pilot goes like this. Delayed. Sometimes people tend to take advantage of the uh the bars in airports and uh unfortunately the fa does not like it when people have had a couple extra drinks and it's not safe for passengers or the crew so once again i'll do the best we can to get you there as quickly and safely. Thank you for your patience. They kicked him off. So we went back to the gate. And then we started

to leave again. And this fucking... Tell me she's not drunk. Now she's talking like this. For you, right, it's either playing check, home, or just leaving. Out the baggage claim area. And for those of you that are continuing on here in Newark, your luggage is What is she saying? Bro, I was like this.

I was on the plane like this. And nobody was paying attention. I'm like, this girl is drunk as fuck, dude. And nobody was paying attention. I'm like, this girl is drunk as fuck, dude. Where's your hiccup? For those of you that are continuing on here, your earluggages on Mac have been trapped for you. What?

And as you've been traveling to New York, your earluggages have been trapped for you? Your earluggages has been trapped for you? Your luggage has been trapped for you? Okay, there's... And then there's this one, dude. Which is just... Please let one of us know.

Or see a... Uh-oh. Customer representative... Oh! I see it. That's when she almost fucking threw up in her mouth. I see it. Customer representative? That's what she said.

Hold on. Just listen to this. Please let one of us know. I see it. Customer representative. We have a flight and they'd be happy to help you. Once again, we have your site to base flight crew. Dude, kick her off too. It's been a pleasure having you on board this evening.

Morning. How? Okay, here's the thing. If she's not drunk, then she's got a speech impediment i feel for you but why are you the one that's talking to everybody on the plane dude i'm so sick of this shit man we were also in trying to fly home and the guy that they tried they were oh dude the airports are fucking insane dude i swear to god if i, if I saw, and I mean no bullshit, if I saw a wild boar working the desk at like one of the airlines, I would be like, that's weird. But, you know, yeah, I guess it makes sense. This is why everything's so fucked up.

Like, it's insane, dude. We were waiting, and the guy who was talking to the people, first of all, everyone's in line. The flight's delayed. We're at the airport, okay? And everyone's in line. And the guy who is over the loudspeaker is like, he's so Indian. And that's fine to be Indian, but this guy was killing it with the Indian shit. He was just like, and everyone, and I caught that he was like, flight's delayed, and we will be boarding soon.

And people are just lined up, dude. Sit the fuck down, dude. What are you, we're all getting on the plane. All of us are getting on the plane. Also, the people who are lined up aren't even group A. And guess who's in group a daddy and he's sitting all the way fucking down man his knees are bent dude you keep your fucking legs straight you better be laying the fuck down because that's crazy to be lined up when the flight's delayed and you got this guy who's telling us the flight's delayed we're all going to the same place i don't get it i don't get it um so so yeah we couldn't understand this guy because he was just they always give it to the

fucking guy who like can't talk in english which is you know and i'm not i'm not saying like hey learn the fucking language like I'm not... I love that America's got all the different types of people and all the different cultures and all the different accents. It's awesome. You might as well just speak in your language, though, if you're going to do that. I can't understand.

I sound so fucking 80 years old right now. But yeah, we got an oxygen mask and oxygen also don't if the person is drunk oxygen is the number one word that you fucking can tell that's what the thing should be if you're a cop okay have you been drinking no say the word oxygen oxygen cool you're coming with me if you have one drink all of a sudden oxygen turns to oxygen say customer service customer service say oxygen oxygen okay you're coming with me come on in the drunk tank are you drunk no sir you could be so good at hiding it oh sir i'm completely not drunk

are you drunk no not at all how many drinks have you had? I had one drink at dinner and that's it. Oh, really? Yes. And you had no other drink? Zero other drinks. Well, sir, say oxygen. Oxygen. All right, cool.

You're coming with me. Yeah. This guy got kicked off a... Imagine getting... He was so not embarrassed, too. I guess it was because he was drunk. It was killer. This guy was like, oh, you're kicking kicked off a plane. Imagine getting kicked. He was so not embarrassed, too. I guess it was because he was drunk. It was killer. This guy was like, oh, you're kicking me off?

Cool. He wasn't making a scene. He was like, cool, I'll just get off the plane. Like, this guy, I would have been like, yo, listen. Sorry I had too much to drink. Give me some fucking bread. Give me some bread and a muzzle. I'll be fine.

Tie my hands up. I'm getting it fucking JFK. Oxygen? will all be fine. Tie my hands up. I'm getting it fucking JFK. Ocigen? Dude, ocigen, you know? Wow. Guess what, guys? We fixed the microphone stand and it is sinking ever so slightly ever so ever so slowly it's sinking now that means my anger is just growing at a very slow snail's pace and it's all good but my anger is growing because the microphone can't stay up and it's the only thing we need to do this morning but it's ever so saying ever so slowly sinking and it's okay but i'm getting angry now it's okay but i'm getting angry i'm getting angry yes is it okay i'm barely you know can i sink too yes it's a good thing about this one yes i can also lower my body yes it doesn't make me mad yes doesn't make the podcast

better sometimes it doesn't feel like when i complain or not but am i gonna complain yes is it all good of course the only two things you need when you're doing a podcast are a microphone and oxygen and i have oxygen uh airports are so fucked and they don't even give a shit man i mean i travel so much dude i gotta go back to fucking albuquerque i gotta go fucking albuquerque i think on wednesday or some shit dude i was in albuquerque for two days and i i was there, I flew in, I had a whole day there. I did my shit, the meetings that I had to do, and then I was done at like two or three. And the rest of the day, I was like, all right, cool. I worked out a little bit. Keep my back all fucking mountainous. You know what I mean?

I did some fucking chin-ups just to make sure the lats kept like a turtle shell i did some fucking chest exercise to make sure that fucking you know what i mean i keep my c cup and i did shoulders exercise of course because i want to keep the documentary fucking i want to keep the documentarian happy because they're probably doing a documentary on my shoulders or some shit so uh i was in albuquerque and let me tell you something, man. It was for one day and I was leaving the next day and boy, is it boring. It's hot as fuck. I mean, 11 o'clock I landed and I, the day before and I was like, Hey guys, is there a place to eat or something? And they were like, no, they didn't even like think they were like there's burger king and i was like hey look at me do i look like i want to fucking do i look like i need

fast food right now at 11 look at me and they were like yeah no i mean you do keep your back like a turtle you know it's like a turtle shell and i i saw a documentary crew like trying to be sneaky and obviously fucking trying to shoot your shoulders and we get it you should be wearing a bra so i don't know so i'm just i so i went to a fucking place in downtown albuquerque and i walked in oh by the way i was like is there any i was like oh i found a place on yelp i was like it's open and i went to the lobby the people by the way, I was like, is there any – I was like, oh, I found a place on Yelp. I was like, it's open. And I went to the lobby, the people at the lobby.

And I was like, hey, guys, so I found a place that's open. I was like, I just – I guess because I don't know the area. Is this area safe to go here? And they were like, oh, yeah, it's fucking fine. Of course, it's totally safe. And I was like, okay, cool. Got in the Uber. And then the Uber driver, no bullshit.

He was like, are you Chris D'Elia? And I was like, yep. He was like, oh, cool, no way. I was like, oh, yeah. He's like oh yeah he's like why are you going this place i was like oh it's the only place open to eat and he was like oh yeah there was a someone shot seven people next door a week ago hey that's safe what's dangerous what was there a fucking zombie yeah well there haven't been zombie attacks no there hasn't been a zombie attack there so yeah oh dude seven people got shot that's the definition of danger and i went there and i was like really and he goes like yeah he's like yeah he's like i know because i'm a crime scene investigator the uber driver said it

well i'm checked out hey when a guy driving you in your uber says just so you know just so you know, just so you know, just so you know, it could be the truest shit. It could be truer than the sky is blue or I live in a house. Okay. When an Uber driver says, whether it's true or not, cause you know, in the daytime, I'm a crime scene investigator. you know in the daytime i'm a crime scene investigator you're just lying because i huh imagine fucking what's his name david caruso in that show whatever the fuck he is where he puts his csi where he puts his glasses on and then walks away like the illest motherfucker alive dude david caruso wow you know something's definitely true about David Caruso? He never got his ass kicked. You can tell that about David Caruso so much just by the way he acts.

Because if you got your fucking ass handed to you, you would never act that badass. That guy acts so badass. He acts like nobody ever fucking ever said no or fucked me up. I'm the shit. ever fucking ever said no or fucked me up i'm i'm the shit that guy and i'm not saying this because of any like ill you know opinion i have of him or anything but that guy technically needs his ass beat because you can't act like that but he acts like that and he just you know i mean some of this shit just look at some of this shit. But imagine you're a crime scene investigator and then Uber by night.

CSI David Caruso one-liners. There we go. First thing that comes up, obviously, because they're ridiculous. Horatio Cain's, the fact that his name is Horatio Cain, you know? Sunglasses moments. Just listen. Drive-by Miami style. And then he fucking puts his glasses on every time, dude. It's so hilarious.

The question becomes, Alex, was the mob sent to draw us to the crime scene? Or sent to destroy it? Always the beginning of the show, dude. And then it goes. All three stories get up and run away. You do. You've got something to hide. Oh, not even a good one. Listen, I don't want you to worry about it, all right?

Mr. Coleman, because I'll be your memory. Oh, never got his ass kicked. Never fucking does so many. You know what he does? Oh, wow. For sure, David Caruso thinks he's a black belt in karate because he practiced all himself and never got instructed on karate at all. He just did it, worked on it in his room. And he's like, I'm a black belt.

And he would tell somebody, I'm a black belt. And it's because he thinks that he fucking did karate every day. And he's like, I've worked on it. I'm a black belt too, he says to like fucking jujitsu guys. I don't know, he's missing from the scene. Maybe he took off. Or maybe he got taken for a ride. Ow!

So, it's that bad. You know the writer, what? The writers wrote every script with only a shirt on, no pants on, and their dicks out on the chair. And they never cleaned the chair. And other people used the chair and they didn't give a fuck. In a second, will she? Prince said she came down to drink mojitos and ketchup sun. Well, it looks like something caught her.

Oh, made it up. Made it up. That one made it up himself. He tells them to leave it blank. He tells the writers! Made it up. Made it up. That one made it up himself. He tells him to leave it blank. He tells the writers to leave it blank. Leave it blank. And then they go, oh, okay. He's like, I'll come up with it on the day.

And then he himself goes, yeah! And walks out the room. He died hours before this accident ever happened. So our accident is not an accident at all. Oh, shit. Holy shit, dude. Oh, you know, there's somebody on the crew that wants to fucking lay him out,

and he's just, every time they shoot those, he's just like, goddamn motherfucker, one day I'm gonna kick his fucking ass. Is that a... Here we go. He just said, here we go, on that one. Wow. We gotta move quick. The tide is rising.

And we have a sinking crime scene. Wow. It's not looking too good, Horatio. On the contrary, there's a chance this girl is alive and we are gonna find her i mean that's not even one that's not even one the writers were like let's try and do it so he can't do it. And he still did it. I want a bagel. Wife?

At the fucking, in a restaurant. So, and what will you be having? His wife's like, I'll just have a Cobb salad. And what would you like? I would like the breakfast sandwich. No matter how you cut it, the war sucks. Frank, it's a killer. What's going on, Alicia?

Alex, Miami has a new breed of criminal. What are you going to do? I am going to get to the truth. Not even one, dude. What is this song? It's The Who, right? What is it, dude? Wow.

I mean, that's so funny, dude. I love that shit. I want to fucking... I got to play that. Fuck that, dude. I'm Horatio Cain. I don't give a fuck. The Who.

What's the song? Do you know? Who are? Oh yeah it is. Who are you? Yeah I think it's that one right? But that's not what it's called is it? Is it? No. It's gotta be one of these. Hold on.

It's not that one. I mean, all right, guys. You know? We get it. They did that song. It's called Who Are You? Okay, I'm looking. I'm looking.

I'm looking, baby. What's that? That's what it's called? Oh. Won't get. Is this it? called? Oh. Won't get. Is this it? Here we go. Yeah, that's it.

Wow. Wow. When do they start screaming, though? After this? It's like after our first... Whenever. Yeah, we knew that one. I saw that one coming a mile away, dude.

and it's time to hit back. Yeah, we knew that one. I saw that one coming a mile away, dude. Trying to get our attention. I don't know, but he just got mine. It's a stab wound. Alex, that just narrowed us down to one. Okay, what does it even mean?

He was hauling ass. Or is ass hauling us? Yeah! Oh, wow. A few more. Guilty as charged. Oh, wow, wow. That was a good one, dude. That was my favorite one.

Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. That was a good one, dude. That was my favorite one. Wow. Oh, wow. Very vague, but very cool still.

Oh, wow. That one was quick. He was on the move. That one was badass. Dude. But they're not going to get away with murder. Oh, God. They're going to get away with murder. Dude, my Uber driver doesn't do that. You know? Imagine I got in and there were other people in the car and I was like, what the fuck?

Who are these people? And he says, you seem to have ordered an Uber pool. to have ordered an uber pool oh shit dude oh man i'm dying yo what the fuck where are you going well it seems somebody has changed your location i'll be your memory i fucked it up wow dude oh my god how come you're asking me so many questions because you didn't because you didn't click quiet preferred i don't know dude you're you're just it's fine you're a newberg driver but imagine this guy showing up first of all dropping someone off a block away and then showing up to the crime scene with like a fucking what do you call them what do you call those micros with the fucking no sherlock holmes microscope what do you call those eyegroscope with the fucking, no, Sherlock Holmes microscope. What do you call

those? Eye glass? Magnifying glass. Yeah. Uh, shit. Oh my God. Okay. Uh, we got to do ads. It's fucking way late. It's all good. Uh, all right. Well, yeah. So that's what's up god those Horatio's cane things are hilarious oh these are other ones somebody wrote stealing his sunglasses would be the biggest crime in Miami what would he do that's funny

is it Amazon Prime Day by the way today people are going nuts over that shit people are worried people are always worried huh the only thing that would make that fucking Horatio Cain thing better is if he was like so British

then he would be wow then he would really need his ass kicked I was thinking about the other day actually thing better is if he was like so British. Then he would be, wow. Then he would really need his ass kicked. I was thinking about the other day actually about how long it's been since I've been in London. I was in London when I was 19 and of course it was raining the whole time but my brother and I

got up early and we were like so jazzed that we were in. Dude, London really has to figure out Europe, or not Europe but like I guess Great Britain. Needs to figure out it Not Europe But like I guess Great Britain Needs to figure out It's fucking breakfast situation man When I was in London My brother and I got up early

Because we were like jet lagged We were like let's go explore We went to go explore Like let's get some breakfast dude And we went And first of all Every place I would look I'd be like

That's not a breakfast place That's not a breakfast place That's not a breakfast place We finally settled on one That you order at the counter It looked like a fucking breakfast place So that's not breakfast place that's not breakfast we finally settled on one that you order at the counter it looked like a fucking breakfast place so we looked up and we were trying to get um breakfast and they were like well what do you have for breakfast and they just pointed and the only thing that they were

serving I swear to god my brother and I we ate for real this was the breakfast beans and a tomato. Hey, people in London, that's not breakfast. That's not even lunch or dinner. That's like the shit that you put on stuff to eat. Full breakfast, full English. Great Britain and Ireland, English breakfast. The full English breakfast often consists of bacon, fried egg, sausage, mushrooms, baked bean, toast. What the fuck's up with beans, bro? That seems like a weird breakfast thing.

You should have that for lunch or dinner. Because you're going to be farting all day. Hello. How's it going? Excuse me about that. And a great big London breakfast. So sorry. You know how it is here. It's 11.30 and I just digested my beans and sausage. Carry on. I just ate, you guessed it, beans and a tomato. Excuse me. Where's the bathroom? It doesn't matter at this point. I shit my pants.

Excuse me. We've really got to figure out this breakfast situation. Also, just so you know, bacon to us is pretty much just not cooked all right just cut off the side of a pig and put it in my mouth excuse me i ate beans and the raw side of a pig carry on just ate a tomato, excuse me, do you know which way the bathroom, never mind, I shit my pants, carry on,

worst, worst, you know when Drake does that sign, and it starts with worst, that's what he's talking about, somebody said, hey Drake, before you start recording, what's the worst fucking, Worst. You know when Drake does that sign and it starts with worst. That's what he's talking about. Somebody said, hey, Drake, before you start recording. What's the worst fucking.

What do you think of English breakfast? And he goes, worst. And then they started the song. That's what happened. They go, Drake. What do you think of London breakfast? All right. Goddamn music videos, you know? Hey, Drake, what do you think of London breakfast? so not worth it for the joke jesus christ took so long you know i don't give a fuck this is how we do it in the congratulations hey drake what you think of the breakfast in london

worst that's it, remember this song? Remember when we made fun of this, dude? Holy fuck Yeah Yeah Okay yeah okay cool video um um whoever somebody commented whoever animated this is nice with it Cool video. Whoever, somebody commented, whoever animated this is nice with it.

Uh, yeah. I love it. I still love my favorite one is when, and excuse me, miss. I can't believe I never talked about this. Have I? I have. I can't believe I never talked about this. Have I? I have.

Jay-Z, where he just says, he just all of a sudden says, just so you know, I'm not gay. My favorite Jay-Z line, period. It's so funny, dude. It's in the second verse or third. He's just talking about it. He says, and I ain't into liking dudes. No way. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Wait. This beat rips, dude. How many white guys think they're so dope when this song comes on, you know? There it is. Come on, where is it? Oh, this is it. This is for no reason. Oh, it's so secretly gay. Oh, dude, this is how the people in the studio went when he was doing that.

They were like this. They were just like this with their stuff on, and then they went like this. He was going like this, and they go like this that's what they did they just looked at each other and went like what i'm sorry what and they just kept going they're like okay forget it who cares what happened to chameleon air bro that guy ripped dude chameleon air okay i'm not like a big bun b fan and shit like that i love rappers from the south i love uh what's his name slim thug but chameleonare, okay, I'm not like a big Bun B fan and shit like that. I love rappers from the South. I love, what's his name, Slim Thug. But Chameleonare, that guy, when he came out on the fucking scene, I was like, that's a rap, dude.

My favorite rapper is Southern. And then he just, like, quit and bought an app or some shit. He's like a tech guy now. Bro, first of all, his name is chameleon air that's hilarious dude that song in the trunk was the fucking illest rap song in a long time in the trunk chameleon air? Dude, it's so funny. I wish he still rapped, dude. I wish he still rapped, dude.

In the trunk. Dude, like it's the four tops. In the trunk. Dude. Four guys in suits in the trunk dude i love this song man he says something about Oh, so defensive. That line, I loved that. Turn my speakers up. Can you hear them now? No. Good. Oh, so defensive. That line. I loved that.

Turn my speakers up. Can you hear them now? No. Good. Dude, that's defensive. That's like a five-year-old. Dude, I love Chameleon Air. He's so... Fuck, make another song, bro.

He doesn't give a shit. I think he's sitting pretty... I texted Bum B. I'm buddies with Bum B. We text each other and shit. I was like, what happened to Chameleon Air? He was like, yeah, he's sitting pretty... I texted Bum B. I'm buddies with Bum B. We text each other and shit. I was like, what happened to Chameleon Air? And he was like, yeah, he doesn't really rap anymore. And I was like, man.

And that's pretty much it. So it's all good. In the trunk. Hello, do you know which way? Never mind, carry on. Pardon me, eh? A tomato and some beans and the side of a pig. Shouldn't eat that.

And back to work. Oh, man. I'm just... I don't know. Should we do some miscon... Misconnections or what? Oh, man. I'm just... I don't know. Should we do some misconnections or what? Oh, wow. Millionaire's real name is Hakeem Sareeke?

Wow. Damn. How old is he? 39? He's my age, bro. Wow. I realized... My buddy was always talking about... My buddy's like 53.

It's not Brian Callen, but he was like, uh, and he was like, um, Hey man, he's like, I look good for my age. A lot of people have 53.

They look fucking terrible. And I was like, eh, you look 53. Like in my head, I was like, no, you don't.

You look 53 straight up. And then I always felt that way about myself. Like I don't look 39, but I fucking saw, I know. I was like, Oh dude, that's just something people do in their brains to make it. Okay. I'm like, I fucking for and I was like oh dude that's just something people do

in their brains to make it okay I'm like I fucking for sure look 39 and that's it and that's fine and I'm gonna just accept that dude because when I see other 39 year olds I think oh I don't look like that but I do I'm a fucking 39 and I look that way

you look your age whether you think it or not you know I mean unless you're like Justin Timberlake. But even I saw a picture of Justin Timberlake the other day, and he looked old as fuck. So even Justin Timberlake falls a victim to it. And I'm not even trying to be a piece of shit to Justin Timberlake. I think you're really crazy talented.

Didn't mean this. But it's like, you know. Do we have misconnections or no? We got some? All right, let's see if the news have misconnections or no we got some alright let's see if the news was announced so I could fucking announce it probably not

yeah let's find what are the misconnections where are they at Detroit nice where my show is going to be

oops where my show is going to be let's hear it I mean so ridiculous first of all, the first thing. Here we go. It says, fucking, you helped carry my kayak. First of all, I guess I didn't really think about this because I guess there are lakes all over the place.

Hold on. I know. That's not it. Okay. Did they tweet it yet? No? Did they tweet it yet? I'm looking at Hollywood Reporter here.

No? Okay. Fuck Hollywood Reporter here. No. Okay, fuck it. No, no. They say the fucking thing about that. They say the thing about that. No, StubHub. No, Best Video Games. No, can't announce it yet.

Okay. You helped carry my kayak. You saw me having a hard time carrying my kayak down the rollers. Don't know what that is. And graciously ran up to help me. You were wearing a black one-piece with the cutest little behind. Eh, se-sexist.

I know I seemed preoccupied and didn't thank you properly. Please accept my apologies and know that I would love the opportunity to thank you with a smile. You are a shorter blonde, a very pretty, and a heart of gold, I'm sure. I mean, selecting yourself, getting carried away with it, you no idea you were sitting with your mother sister that's trying to be nice about the mother saying she looked young slim chance you'll see this thank you again do not contact me on solicit services or offers i mean dude you don't have to describe the girl that much dude she like how many girls helped a guy with a fucking kayak in detroit you know like there's fucking 17 women just looking at this just like oh fuck man i don't know

i wonder if anyone got matched off this show because they don't watch the they don't listen to the uh what do you call it uh misconnections but our show is like wait that was me i was carrying that guy you think i'm an emerald that one uh here we go miss miss you Southfield I miss you Lisa you're you are Detroit fan you know who I am I mean and then there's that there's a guy who's not specific enough Lisa I miss you you are Detroit fan you know who I am that's a creepy and a hard beginning of a horror movie and it's all good do not contact me on solicit services or offers okay so lisa if you're listening hit up fucking this creepy ass dude in uh detroit let's go to the next one wow so poetic we met eyes twice imagine reading that you're like wait a minute i did meet eyes

guys i mean i did meet eyes twice with somebody today we met eyes twice this Imagine reading that and you're like, wait a minute. I did meet eyes guys. I mean, I did meet eyes twice with somebody today. We met eyes twice this afternoon. I was leaving 7-Eleven as you came in. I wish I would have spoke to you. If this description leaves you unsure, it wasn't you. Oh, wow. This guy is for sure banking on the fact that that person who he met eyes with definitely registered him. This guy has a high ego. He has a high opinion of himself. And that's okay because they say men have to have a high opinion of themselves. They have to think that girls want to sleep with them because that's what makes them aggressive. And that's what makes other humans come out of. It makes you have sex and then come inside of a girl and the girl has a baby. And then it keeps the human race going on. That's how it needs to be. Sometimes guys, that's why guys, whenever they talk to a girl, they're like, oh, dude,

I think she likes me because that's her fucking nature. That's crazy, dude. I'm really smart. I'm a scientist. Go to the next one. No, that's it. Oh, oh, wow. I thought it said cunt.

Meshour CMT. Looking for a Meshour. Certified preferred. Must have a studio. Does he mean masseuse? Masseur? Has moved out of state. Thank you.

Dude, go to a fucking website, dude. Why are you on Craigslist? People will go on Craigslist and be like, need groceries. Hey, if you're out there and you own a fucking ShopRite, let me know. Need badly celery and pancake batter and milk and eggs. Trying to make pancakes.

Do not contact me on solicitor service. Just go to fucking Ralph's, dude. Go to fucking... Vaughn's. Go to fucking... Von. So weird, dude. No? One more?

One more? The Raconteurs. Ah, what? What? Looking for the cute flight attendant who sings opera i was working what what the fuck is who wrote this one david lynch what kind of fucking shit is this hey was this a fellini movie dude looking for the cute flight attendant who sings opera make sure you observe the no smoking sign. Even when you're outside of the aircraft.

Make sure to put your seat in the upright position. Also, what were you working on as if you were on a fucking plane what were you doing dude i was an assassin i was busy assassinating and you were the fucking operatic what it what maybe they just had a conversation about how she oh he was probably working on his laptop or some shit. Maybe that's what he means. Dude, be more specific, bro. These fucking ads need to be more specific or less specific. And that's very general. But it is what it is. And that's honestly the truth.

Is that it? I guess that's it. Talked about all the things in the world that I wanted. It's Amazon Prime Day. What does that even mean? That you can just go and get a bunch of stuff for cheap? Is that what Amazon Prime Day is? Two-day parade of epic deals. That's what it says. It's not a parade,

but it's all good. You can't call something a parade if it's not a parade, dude. A parade is one thing. Walking down the street, holding signs and streamers and shit. And most of the people are, you know, probably terrible if you're in a parade. Unless it's like for something.

Like Pride. Even still. But probably Pride is a good one. Or, but like if you're in a parade unless it's like for something like pride even still but probably pride is a good one or but like if you're just in a parade like for like thanksgiving you're probably just like kind of terrible you know marching band imagine being in a marching band in 2019. Dude, we have iTunes. We have Spotify. Being a fucking play the French horn or some shit. There's so many horns, you know. Fucking chill.

Have one fucking type of horn. And then a guy. You don't need the guy with the baton. Have one fucking type of horn. And then a guy... You don't need the guy with the baton. I don't give a shit. People should just be definitely marching to the beat without a fucking guy that's just... I mean, is there anything more annoying than that? And then flutes, like, alright, fine. Even though that's...

Everything in a fucking marching band is annoying as shit. You got horns that are just... And then you got fucking... It's so annoying. We all have Spotify. All good. Take off those fucking feathered hats. Never have a feather in your hat, dude.

You're not a bird. Keep the feathers on the birds. Keep the feathers on the goddamn birds, man. Don't ever have a feather anywhere on your body. Period. What are you, an Indian? No? You're just some white guy with a tall hat?

Oh. you're just some white guy with a tall hat don't have a feather on your body you're not a bird I'm itchy dude I'm itchy man so it's fucking I'm gonna be done I'm done dude

but I am itchy I fucking love you guys man thanks for listening So it's fucking... I'm going to be done. I'm done, dude. But I am itchy. I fucking love you guys, man. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go to Albuquerque again. It's going to be so fucking boring. But I'll be there. And that's that.

And I'm done. And, you know, I don't know what the fuck, but I guess that's it. Download the Chris D'Elia app. See the show a little bit of it live before it goes. And get tickets for my Minneapolis show. I'm doing my Netflix taping. I think it might be almost sold out. And the reschedule on the Chicago show is New Year's Eve and the day before that as well.

Detroit is on sale. It might be sold out at this point. And that's it. Thank you guys so much. You guys are great. Have a good one. Congratulations. Thank you.