Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 130. Take It Up With Christ

Episode Date: July 22, 2019

Hello from Albuquerque! On today's show, Chris talks about feeding the mob and yet another situation where people are getting too mad about a joke. Also discussed: imaginary fights in your head with Mark Wahlberg, Sunglass Hut, the ice cream challenge, gallon smashing, family stories, and onesies. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Prime Day is here. With epic deals exclusively for Prime members, you'll feel like you just won an award. Oh, wow. I didn't even prepare a speech. I'd like to thank my family for always needing stuff. Also, Sam, my delivery guy, for bringing all my awesome deals so fast.

You're the man, Sam! Shop deals on electronics, home, and more this Prime Day, July 16th and 17th. it's on my babies you might know something you might notice something a little different on this episode and you know it's because there's a fucking skull in back of me there's a skull and everything is out this chair you know if you're watching the video you'll notice something different if you're just hearing the sound on the podcast you won't notice something different because babies it's the same old me doing the same old podcast. However, we doing it in Albuquerque.

Okay. Um, and, uh, I'm live on my app. If you can see also before, uh, anybody sees it, you go download my app and all that shit. Uh, and, uh, we're live in Albuquerque. That's where we are. And it is so Albuquerque and this studio the real grand studios uh helping us out doing the uh doing the thing here so that's cool they have a a route 66 fucking thing on their wall and of course of course you know and that's of course

and then also we've got um all sorts of things around here. Like everything is brown. Everything is mud. So Albuquerque has risen from the mud. That's what it seems like. And I'm shooting this movie here, Army of the Dead. I can't really talk too much about it because they want to do all the stuff. They want to talk about all the stuff.

And they want to release it, and I respect that. But okay, cool. they want to talk about all this stuff uh and they want to release it and i respect that but um okay cool so already one fire is asking to share the wi-fi password now well he didn't do he said he didn't do it but but it just does that now does it make me mad yes is it okay it's fine does it stop when i'm talking about my stream my stream concerts yes okay is it are we do we still fly by the seat of our pants in the Albuquerque? Yes. Is this the podcast? Is this how it goes?

Yes. Is it annoying? Yeah. What am I going to do about it? You know what I mean? What am I going to do about it? So it's all good, but we're three minutes in, and we're fucking sailing already, dude. We are sailing already.

I don't know. I feel like all I want to do is talk about I got good shorts on. We didn't know the shot was going to be so wide, but I got these fucking tie-dyed shorts on. And you guys are going to get some crotch shots. And guess what? I don't give a fuck, dude. You know I'm not PC with the crotch shots. I mean, you saw the earlier episodes.

We had to tell Ivan to get rid of it to tighten it up because you couldn't see the bulge. You know, we didn't want you to see the bulge, dude. We didn't want you to see the tie-dyed bulge. Who wants to see a tie-dyed bulge in their whole life? And we still got the Ice Americano, dude. They have Ice Americanos in Albuquerque. So everything's mud in Albuquerque, and it's all good. Even the Starbucks will have, like, a fucking bunch of wood posts on top of it that go, whatever you call them, you know, the fucking, that hold the roof up.

It doesn't matter um i guess we just talk about normal shit pretend like we're not in albuquerque but it's 157 degrees out so you know it's all good they got me wearing a fucking uh a flight a flight suit for killing these zombies and now it's so hot because it's a one... It's basically like the adult version of pajamas that you'd wear as a kid. I zipped up my penis once on a onesie and it hurt so bad. When you zip up your penis in a onesie,

it feels like you shot yourself in the fucking dick. It feels like you just close up, point blank range, just went like this. Check it out, cock, cock blam because it fucking zipped it up the shit pain was so sharp and i just immediately screamed and my mom came running into my mom and said what are you doing i said i zipped up my penis in a red onesie

what kind of a fucking lunatic parent gets their kid a onesie for real. Maybe if you're like two, but I was like 10 in a onesie, dude. That's not cool. If you're a chick, you can wear a onesie all the time, but if you're a dude, you can't wear a onesie past six, five, four, four. Because then your dick starts to get too big and you're going to zip it up, dude.

My brother's done it. I've done it. Generations of dick zipping have been going on in onesies probably. Also, what's up with the onesie? Like it's supposed to be cute or what? Or like is it so you don't have like too many PJs to put on? Just put on boxers and go to bed, dude. If you're a dude, put on boxers, go to bed.

If you're a chick, put on a shirt and that's it. Go to bed. Right? Onesie? What are you doing? Flying a fucking helicopter or going to bed? Anytime you got to put something on like this it better be a goddamn backpack and that's it and that's it dude and that's my platform i'm running for mayor on no onesies

2020 mayor of albuquerque also i'd change it to albuquerque um yeah dude people like that furry shit too where they put on a big like panda one you're not it's already cute dude you got a onesie on why do you have to make it an animal you know animals see fucking shit like that and they're just like this goddamn idiot this fucking idiot college girl she's gonna dress up like me pandas in japan just like dude have you ever seen chicks at asu dude they fucking dress up like us. What do you mean? They zip up. It's like a onesie.

Why don't they just put on a shirt on and go to bed? Hey, that's what I've been saying. Anyway, watch out for people killing us. There's four pandas left. To be a onesie, to make a onesie, to make a onesie with an animal that there's almost none of is, eh, it's a dick. It's so human. You know? Hey, I got a onesie of an animal that there's almost none of is a dick. It's so human.

You know? Hey, I got a onesie of a fucking dodo bird. Hey, dude. I got a onesie of a dodo bird and it's just a fucking big ass beak on top of my head. Also, how about the fact that we named it the dodo bird? Dude, dodo birds are probably all fucking dead because they committed suicide because they were so fucking depressed because we named them and shit. Hey, we got to be, even like little baby dodo birds, we're like, well, what do we call it? We'll tell you when you're older.

We got big ass dumb beaks and they got to call us dodo birds. It's like a fucking. birds it's like a fucking not even dum-dum you know dodo like if you were like if you were in i in my head and earlier in the day i got i got in a fake fight with mark walberg for no reason you ever do that you're just like dude what if i was like working with mark walberg on a movie and like he's like started giving me attitude i'd'd be like, oh, dude, I'm not going to stand for that. In my head, I was just drinking coffee. I was on my way to some fucking coffee shop in Albuquerque that's all painted white outside. That's way too bright.

Hey, Albuquerque, never paint anything outside white. Do you know why? It reflects the sun. And do you know that it's 1,000 degrees? Dude, I was so ridiculous. I parked my car. By the way, I got a killer fucking red Honda. Rented it.

And I parked and I went to the coffee place. And there was like this like outside kind of like mallish area. And it was all painted white. And I was like looking for the coffee place that I looked up on Yelp. And I just looked like Clint Eastwood trying to do anything in his life i don't know i have signed him bring sunglasses of course and oh and the misters were every dude there was this burger place next to the fucking coffee place and there were these there was like an outside sitting area and people were sitting there and it was just misters so many so much water that

they were just eating burgers in a lake. And people were delivering burgers. Dude, I'm sorry, but Albuquerque has it nailed. They have it nailed down. Because who the fuck would want burgers outside at 12 p.m. when it's 102 degrees out? Hey, I'll skip the meal. Hey, you want to eat? Sure, where do you want? Oh, we're going to go eat burgers in hell.

What? Yeah, but it's in a lake, basically. I'll skip the meal, dude. Hey, catch me at dinner. What was I talking about? Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, so I got a fake fight with Mark Wahlberg. Because I don't know why.

I think he was like, when I was in my head, and I got a fake fight with Mark Wahlberg. Because I don't know why. I think he was like... When I was in my head and I was just like kind of getting the coffee and I was reading the script and to see how much it changed from the first draft. And then in my head, Mark Wahlberg, like I was doing a movie with him and he was just like, Hey man, you can't talk to me like that or something.

I was like, I didn't even mean to do that. And he was like, Huh. You know, he was like, You're not going to be't talk to me like that or something i was like i didn't mean to do that like and he was like oh you know he was like uh you're not gonna be doing that to me and then i was like oh dude yo yo hey i'm not that guy like that's what i was saying in my head and i know he like boxes and shit so i was like okay fine fine fucking fight i don't even give a shit dude if you want to fight fight me i don't what the fuck do i care and i had some cool insults i have i have them locked in my head in case he ever gets in a fight. I don't even give a shit, dude. If you want to fight, fight me. What the fuck do I care? And I had some cool insults. I have them locked in my head in case he ever gets in a fucking fight with me. I'm not going to tell him on the podcast because I'm going to

come up with new ones if it really happens. Or I can just use them and they'll be like fan faves. Bro, I got insults with so many stars in my head just in case. And then just in case somebody has a camera on me why is dalia keep coming up with these fucking cool things before fights he's like the real arnold schwarzenegger remember in fucking uh the movie uh uh uh what the fuck erase erase erase eraser eraser where Eraser where he plays I think it's Eraser

he's in a movie called Eraser Ivan gets rid of looks at me and says Eraser like it's fucking the Godfather and he's like and there's this one part and he clones himself so it's about Arnold Schwarzenegger cloning himself

and and there's two parts. I don't know if one of – this one may not be an eraser, but he shoots the alligator that's attacking him. And he says, your luggage, which is dope. And now I can't use that because if in case an alligator attacks me, I have to think of a new one. But – and then there's one that's so forced that it was unbelievable so he they clone he clones himself and shit and he and they clone him and he realizes it or something and at the end he says he says to the guy who's like the head bad guy he's like well in this case

he should have you should have cloned yourself. And then the guy says, why is that? Like fucking, like any guy. Here's the other thing, too. If somebody was going to fucking slam me like that and said, well, in that case, you should have cloned yourself. There's no way I'm saying why is that because that's giving him the fucking open door to the slam. Hey, dude, no way. I go like this. All right, whatever, bro.

Get out of here. And then he can't say the thing. He can't say the thing, dude. So he says, well, in this case, you should have cloned yourself. And then the bad guy, Ron something, you know,

he says, well, why is that? And he says, because then you could have went and gone fuck yourself. It's a forced. So writing, you know, well, in this case, you should have went and gone fuck yourself. It's a forced. It's a writing, you know? Well, in that case, you should have cloned yourself. Why is that?

In that case, you could have fucked yourself. Somebody on my app goes, alligator is a racer. Thanks, babies. What is that? The sixth day is the clone one. Oh, the clone one is the sixth day. That's right. The sixth day?

Well, in that case, you should have cloned yourself. Why is that? Because then you could have went and fucked yourself. Dude, that's great. I wish I could have been in a movie in the 80s, you know? I got to do that. I got to do 80s shit. We got to get the 80s back.

I know everyone says that because my age says that because they grew up in the 80s. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It is what it is. Anyway, I got a fake fight with Mark Wahlberg in my head. I think he's cool, though. I like Mark Wahlberg. I just do it because I'm bored.

And that's where I live in my head. All I've ever wanted to do was make up a world. Maybe that's why I like science fiction so much, like in movies and shit, because it's such a world that's made up. That's what I do in my head all day long anyway. I'm literally, I'll be in a coffee shop, and I'll be like, what if fucking,

someone came in with just a shirt on, and they started jerking off on everybody's fucking latte. Like, I've got shit set for when that would happen, you know? It's like when Eminem is like, oh, he's so amazing at rhymes. How does he keep coming up with things to rhyme?

He already knows about what rhymes. Like, that's why detectives are the shit and they know what the fuck because they're constantly thinking like, what would happen in this scenario if I have to fucking go detect? And that's why they're so good at it. You know?

The guy walks in and he's like, so what do we got? And they're like, well, we've got a fucking guy here and this and this. Well, it looks like some foul play. Well, how do you know? Because the lamps,

lamps don't go in that position in this part of town. They're like, what? How do you know? Because I fucking clocked all the lamps in town. Really? Why? just in case just in fucking case um yeah so so it's like eminem already knows what rhymes he's got a database dude he's not constantly freestyling thinking of,

oh, what's going to rhyme with my next thing? He knows. Boom. He picked it out. He's a fucking computer. Dude, do you remember the fucking the old fucking things on the internet? It was like on E-Bomb's world and it would be the G.I. Joe thing and you'd be like, hey hey kid, I'm a computer.

Do you remember that shit? Oh, dude. You got to look that up. That shit made me laugh. And 4% know what I'm talking about. But it's okay. I'm not explaining shit, dude. I'm not fucking explaining that to you.

It's respectful. You look it up if you want. If you don't, don't waste your time, dude. Don't be one of those fucking guys that's like always, what if somebody said something to me the other day? They were like, yo, you got to check this out.

And it was like a fucking botanical garden shit. And I'm like, motherfucker, you don't know me, dude. And he was describing all the plants. And I'm like, I don't, you're going to tell me about plants, bro? On what planet do I look like a fucking botanist? Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security.

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It's trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum, 40% alcohol by volume. I can't, you know, I like to learn about what I want to learn about, dude. I'll look it up, dude. But you're going to fucking sit there and tell me about, you know, like, Arnett sunglasses? remember those fucking sunglasses dude i wore arnett's and i swear to god when i put arnett or aren't and some fucking assholes would call them arnett's because they thought it was like foreign and even if it is arnett's it's not it's arnett's in america that's how we're doing it and And I had these green Arnett sunglasses, bro.

You think I don't have the feeling I have right now. I can nostalgically fucking feel the feeling of having the Arnett sunglasses on. Fuck. I felt like I felt, I felt, you know what I felt like? That's how I felt. They'd be like,

Chris, are you going to fucking go to, are you going to go get a bagel with us? And I'd be like, sorry, are you going to fucking go to, are you going to go get a bagel with us? And I'd be like, sorry, guys, I have English class. And I put on my Arnett sunglasses, dude. They were green and they were a little shiny. And then my uncle gave me a little shot for wearing them. And I was like, oh, maybe I won't wear them all that long, you know, that much anymore.

Oh, Post Malone has a deal with Arnett jesus they're still around well they don't look like they used to i mean they used to look fucking 1998 you can't i don't think you can wear arnett sunglasses those kinds without putting gel in your hair for real dude asians had fucking five or six arnett sunglasses you weren't technically asian if you didn't have all fucking a bunch of arnett sunglasses and then't technically asian if you didn't have all fucking a bunch of arnett sunglasses and then also drove a fucking acura integra for real and and also asians either have a picture of themselves on the dash hanging from the fucking uh what do you call it the rear view mirror not the rear view mirror or they have a picture of them and their car in their wallet.

That's how it was in the nineties. Either, or if you didn't, you weren't, you were, you were like secretly Indian. And you know what I mean? I know that that's over there,

but like you were not, you were not Korean. Like there's no way Koreans either have a picture of them on their fucking rear view mirror in their car or a picture of them and their car in their wallet and that's that and that's that and i don't make these rules dude you think i'm wrong you think i'm wrong you want if you can be mad with me take it up with jesus christ dude so take it up with jesus christ and take it up with christ dude hey that's what i'm that's gonna be my new argument Jesus Christ and take it up with Christ, dude. Hey, that's going to be my new argument stopper. Ah, take it up with Christ.

That's what I'm going to say to Wahlberg. That's what I'm going to say to Wahlberg when we get him. You know what? You don't fucking talk to me like that. Hey, dude, really? Take it up with Christ. That would probably get him because you know he's religious. I don't even know if he's religious, but you know he's religious. He's from Boston.

Everybody in Boston, they're the most religious people in the world, dude. you know he's religious. He's from Boston. Everybody in Boston, they're the most religious people in the world, dude. It's so fucking Irish, dude. Wow. Anyway, dude.

Guilt. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about about but it kind of just went on the stream of consciousness and shit oh yeah oh yeah uh arnett's yeah arnett's um yeah they were the shit i had the feeling of it sometimes you can feel shit that used to happen i had to i used to i don't wear cologne you know that because there's no cologne. There's just perfume. And if you're a man and you put on cologne, congratulations, you're a female that put on perfume.

And that's all good. We're not judging. But turn around. Let's go on a date, dude. That's all good. Hey, bro, you wore cologne. All good. What are you doing later?

It's all good. And I don't judge you but would you like to go to a movie sometime hey hey guy all good spray what you want on your fucking neck my only question is would you like to go to a matinee sometime? Because there's no, because it's perfume, and I'll be inside you later, maybe in a few dates. So, yeah, so I used to, when I was a kid, you know, I would still try and spray cologne.

I would try, you know, I'd figure myself out. I had the Arnett sunglasses and I had two colognes that were the shit. I tried three, cold water cologne, didn't really like it. Then I tried fucking Fahrenheit. That shit, every time I smell it now, even still, that sends me back, dude. I love Fahrenheit.

That smell is the shit, but only because it's nostalgic. And that there was an old one that I don't think is around anymore. It might be, but it was it's nostalgic. And that there was an old one that I don't think is around anymore. It might be, but it was called Paco. And I got that because my friend Brendan Goody got it. And he was like, it's the shit. And he was kind of good with chicks.

So I was like, I'll get Paco. Girls will be slipping and falling all over the place. I'll need to get, I'll get Paco. I'm taller than Brendan, than Brandon. My shoulders, they fucking, you know, they travel out the distance. And Brandon's were way closer to his ears. Therefore, I'll have to get Paco at Target because I'm also going to have to pick up some towels for the girls. You understand?

So I got Paco, and he was still better with chicks. But I got Paco, and then I got Fahrenheit, and those were the shits. And cold water. Cool water? Cool water is what it was. Not cold water. That's a street in the valley. Cool water.

Cool water, because Snoop used to rap about that. Anyway. And then I was like, what the fuck am I doing, dude? You got to figure out who you are. You really do. And you got to make some mistakes. And that's okay. That's how you figure out who you are. And you got to keep making mistakes too. You can't, you know, I think changing your mind is a good thing for sure. For sure. And I made a mistake with Paco. And I made a mistake with, you know, Fahrenheit still smells good. But I made a mistake.

Because you can't put Cologne on if you're just, you know. You can, but it's perfume and you're a woman. And it's all good. And it's all good. So, yeah. So, Arnett sunglasses. I'd love to see some now just some new arnett sunglasses i've never i haven't seen them in a long time but it doesn't really matter that much uh so by the way you can probably get them i wonder if they had much sunglass hut i

thought it was sunglasses hot i didn't see that what does it say sunglasses i thought it was sunglasses hot but it's sunglass hot. And it should be Sunglasses Hut. I figured that out. I figured that out. So, yeah. You know. And that's it. My girl was laughing at me because she was like, it's Sunglass Hut.

And I was like, well, it shouldn't be, and it shouldn't be. It should be Sunglasses Hut, because it's not a fucking hut made out of sunglasses. That would be Sunglass Hut. That would be Sunglass Hut. Mud Hut. Right? Mud, Mud Hut.

What other kind of hut is there? I don't know. There's only a Mud Hut. Straw other kind of hut is there? I don't know. There's only a mud hut. Straw hut? Sunglass hut. I'm going to go into a fucking sunglass hut and be like, hey, what's the deal? You guys lie, dude.

What's the deal with these walls? It's sunglasses hut. Because there are sunglasses in the hut it's also not a hut they should call it sunglasses mall room sunglasses store it's a fucking sunglasses store dude sunglass hut dude don't try and be cute with me you think when i go to denny's i get i fucking i look at the waiter in the eyes and i say i'll take the moons over my hammy eat my asshole no way would i ever say that dude eat my whole asshole dude i say i want this one if that's what i want and hopefully the waiter is not blind because i'm not getting it if she is oh well, well, what is that, sir? I'm blind.

Oh, give me a fucking turkey sandwich for fuck's sake, dude. I'm going to get the toucan. No, dude. Denny's. Now, look, I'm a big fan of Denny's. You know that because I hand out Grand Slams all day long, right? I hand out Grand Slams to Mark Wahlberg in my head. I've got them stored in case i'm on transformers 9 but dude you know like denny's are you gonna make me say moons over my hammy that's

the thing about fucking denny's is you know there's some either guy in a boardroom that's like, we're fucking thinking something cute in marketing. Or they're like, let's fuck with everyone and make them have to say moons over Miami. Who even knows what moons over Miami? What is it? Was that like a song or something? Moon over Miami? That sounds like some shit fucking Frank Sinatra would sing.

And also everyone else would sing too. Like there would be the Dean Martin version, the Frank Sinatra version, the fucking Sammy Davis Jr. version, and then the other guys that look like just fucking date raping looking one on the Rat Pack. Moon over Miami in your eyes. Oh, it's talking about eyes in those old songs? What is it?

Moon, oh, it's a song. Ray Charles. See, there you go moon over miami the such a fucking chauvinistic song too no doubt secretly moon over miami women don't count hey there you shut up bitch moon over Miami in the moonlight I can see that you're less than me you know

so yeah I'll read these ads almost hit when I threw the thing almost hit one fire in the face didn't mean to I'm being respectful so that's what's up dude you know

that's the commercial break isn't that great yeah so it's fucking sunglass hot That's the commercial break. Isn't that great? Yeah, so it's fucking sunglass hot. Bullshit. It's sunglasses hot. Is what it should be. Right? I'm checking my text

because I'm respectful on you. I do what I do in my life in the podcast and you're welcome for that i'm not gonna be one of these fucking i was looking at uh was i looking at something somebody was doing something some personality was doing something and it was so happy-go-lucky. And I almost had to shit my pants, but it's all good. I didn't. You guys seen that?

First of all, have you seen the Venmo or the XXXTentacion thing? I don't remember the names of either parties involved that started it i actually don't know if i knew some comedian named dina made this joke or dina made this joke on comedy central about the uh slain rapper and uh it was uh a joke you know. And then I think James Davis, comedian, was a comedian that originally said, this is offensive or something. And I don't really know enough about it, but I just saw the fallout of it. And everyone was like, there were a lot of XXXTentacion fans that were sending death threats to the comedian that did it. And Comedy Central retracted it and I guess apologized for it. And the whole thing about the whole thing, I just have to say no about the whole thing.

Because here are the things. If comedy is comedy, if there is comedy, then you're allowed to just make whatever joke there is. And you're just going to offend some people. And that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing. Because that's what makes comedy comedy.

All jokes are offensive to somebody. Otherwise, it's not even a fucking joke dude if i make a if i make a joke about somebody's refrigerator i say i i just refrigerator it fucking sucks because of this whatever the fucking that's a hilarious joke by the way but if it was even funnier than that somebody's like ah that's bullshit that's my refrigerator go fuck yourself it's because it's going to be offensive to somebody or the person is not going to give a shit, whatever. But it's like you can't pick and choose, especially as a comedian. You can't call out another comedian for making fun of.

First of all, it was a joke. Regardless of whether or not you think it was good, it was a joke. It was in joke form. I think the joke was something like rapper got killed for carrying $50,000 on his person. I'm butchering the joke, but that's the best Venmo commercial ever, right? Don't carry around cash. Just use Venmo. Whatever the fucking joke was, I don't know. It was funnier than that.

But yeah, that's a joke, period. Yeah, that's a joke, period. And to say, oh, as a comedian, you can't say that, fuck that, then you're not really a comedian. Because, you know, and I saw other people on Twitter, it's like, yeah, it's the fact that it wasn't funny that's the offensive part. You don't get to pick. You can personally say that's not funny for me,

but if Comedy Central is going to put something out there, they already did that. You can't take it. Apparently, they took it off the internet, and they're like, we're sorry. They're not taking it off the internet because they're taking it off the internet because the mob is why they're taking it off the internet because they're because of they're taking off the internet because the mob is why they're taking off the internet and that's not okay because people are going to be offended i mean for fuck's sake the joke really wasn't even that offensive if you said the shit about michael jackson nobody would give a fuck if you said the shit and and and and he's got all these alleged fucking things about how he beat up his his pregnant girlfriend or whatever you know and

you know I I know it was never proven in a court of law but neither was the Jackson shit but it's just like why you know it's because of his rabid fan base I think dude let me just tell you if people make jokes about me just if I ever get to the level where you know people are just like slamming me or whatever it's all good babies you don't need to tell people to go kill themselves it's all good man jokes it's intent it's this and that i get it but like dude we're allowed to make all the jokes and we're allowed to go too far because that's how we figure out what fucking jokes are funny. And that's how you keep pushing.

That's why stuff. Listen, man. Listen. That's why stuff that was made in 1930 isn't funny anymore. Because we've advanced beyond that. If you don't keep pushing the envelope, we'll be stuck with Laurel and fucking Hardy, dude. They'll be trying to push a fucking piano up the stairs. And we'll be like,

The whole reason why shit's funny now is because you have the people that will push that fucking envelope. And I'm not saying Laurel and Hardy isn't funny, but we're past that, dude. We're past that because of people who make jokes like the fucking one on Comedy Central. Whether you think it's funny or not, you have to figure it out.

You got to push it. Otherwise, you're going to be the fucking cuck dickhead that's still laughing at fucking, you know, whatever it is in black and white at the fucking thing dude stuff isn't funny fucking 60 years later because of that so if you're especially if you're a comedian dude go to war for the comedian i don't care if you like the guy's fucking music look i thought the guy's music i'm not a fan of the guy but the

guy's music was incredible i liked his music you know he's a talented guy you can't say he's not talented just because of what his person was like but dude the whole fucking thing is insane. I just, you know, there's countless things in my set that could, you know, catch fire and be like, ah, this is shitty that they said this, that he said that. But it's just the fucking story

of the goddamn day. So shout out, who was the comedian that said the joke? Dinah what? Dinah Hashem? Don't worry, you know know i know you're getting fucking slaughtered by xxx tentacion fans but it's gonna be fucking fine you know it's so fucking shitty to tell people to go kill themselves online it's so fucking shitty dude grow the fuck up grow up

and if you're 13 for real grow up because like dude you're gonna look back at yourself and you're gonna be like oh i shouldn't have done that i'm a fucking laurel and hardy watcher in 2019 dude go watch some fucking yuck yucks push a piano up a flight of stairs you stupid fuck that's a good that would be a good insult in my head if i was arguing with a fucking you know cook ass but now i said it so i can't use it anymore it's just like dude get it together man it's so it's so fucking annoying dude i tried to follow dana on on on twitter so you know I had to ask she fucking

because now she's private because she doesn't want fucking people coming up to her saying they're gonna people online saying go kill yourself dude also how about the fact that hey don't don't make jokes about someone who was killed or will kill you.

You fucking idiot. Do you realize what you're doing? You fucking dumb shit. It's not America if you can't say whatever you want to say. You know? I say this in my act. You can get mad at somebody for saying something, but you can't tell them not America if you can't say whatever you want to say, you know? I say this in my act. You can get mad at somebody for saying something, but you can't tell them not to say it. So yeah.

By the way, it was a Venmo joke. It wasn't a fucking XXXTentacion joke. It was a Venmo joke. So you're getting offended at a Venmo joke. You fucking pussy. You're getting offended at a Venmo joke. All good. All good. Go watch some fucking guys who look different than each other.

Push up a piano on a flight of stairs. You, you know, pussy. That's just so lame. Get a hobby. Go to Sunglasses Hut. Get some Arnett's. Put them on. Get some gel.

And go drive a fucking Acura Integra around in 1998. Now that's a fucking goddamn slam. It's a lot of words, but it is a slam. And you have walked into Denny's. And I'm so sorry, but all we have right now are the grade A all-American slams. That's what we have. Here you go. Eat it while I go like this. are the grade A all-American slams. That's what we have. Here you go. Eat it while I go like this.

Dude, what if you were at a fucking restaurant and the waiter was watching you eat and he was going... Bro, I want to get a job as a waiter just so I could fucking serve someone and then sit over while I was doing other work as a waiter, whatever the fuck else they do, behind the thing, get other food ready, and then I just every now and then look over at me and I'm going like this.

Bro, you'd be like, what the fuck? Is this real? Is this a fucking David Lynch movie? That's the most disrespectful thing you can do in the world to somebody, is to look at them and go, right in their fucking face. I'm going to start doing that in Albuquerque. That's going to be my thing in Albuquerque.

Hey, you know, like in, oh, I was in a fucking Starbucks recently, and I was like, yeah, can I get a, oh, oh, I was in a fucking Starbucks recently and I was like, yeah, can I get a, oh, this was a, I had a fucking slam to me. The lady fucking took me to Denny's,

dude. I was in Starbucks and she took me to Denny's. Hello, Chain Central? And she goes, the worker there, first of all,

she wasn't even ringing me up. There was someone ringing me up and she was like, hi, how can I help you? And I was like, yeah, can I get a nice Americano?

Because you know how we do my babies and uh she was like can i was like can i have a nice americano and she was like sure what size and i said uh the regular kind i don't know i don't know and then my uh i think it was my opener he was like it wasn't him it was somebody else but he was like dude it's i still don't know what it is whatever size it was the middle for starbucks you know they got like venti grandi go fuck yourself whatever and then i and i was like yeah i'm i'm not i don't know what it is just regular i'm not gonna say this shit you know it's it's medium and i said i'm not saying that it's it's it i said it's silly or something i i was like that's so stupid. I'm going to say something. And then a lady that worked there that was stocking

the shit, she looks at me and she says, stupid? Why is it stupid? And I was like, what are you doing here? I don't got a thing going on.

You're not think about it stock the ethos water or whatever it's called you know what i mean eros what the fuck's it called there used to be a website there you get hookers on called eros i used to look at it with my friends like oh you think that's the one that shows up nope that's why the fucking faces are turned around.

That's why their fucking Russian eyes are blurred out. So she was like, why is it stupid? And I was like, I actually have nothing to say to that and she literally goes like this i was like oh my god dude she took me directly to denny's fucking murdered me and i was like oh yeah i don't know just whatever it is it's all the same so uh i did that i don't know. Just whatever it is. It's all the same. So I did that. I don't know what I was talking about before that, but it fucking doesn't matter

because this podcast is, you know, this podcast. There's so many guitars in this room right now, by the way. So, you know, I'm loving it. Yeah, it was a Venmo joke. You got mad at a Venmo joke was what I said. And then Sunglass Hut and then Starbucks. And then it's all good. Have you seen the ice cream licking challenge that people are talking about?

They should be calling it the fucking how long you can go to jail for challenge. Because people just go out. You should, you could look this because people just go out you should you could look this up you just they go out and they have you heard about this you have oh okay i thought i was on to some new shit and they they fucking go in to like a right aid and they grab the go to the ice cream they grab it open it up lick it and then put it back dude if i saw someone do that I'd sweep them I'd sweep them I'd sweep them I'd do a fucking one of those spin sweeps

and they'd fall down on their ass dude if I see someone do that I'm going to sweep them if you see someone do that sweep them go for the leg sweep the leg in Karate Kid that's me dude

I'm going to bring a blonde haired dude in rite aids look for people like that when we see it i'm gonna hear him say sweep the leg and i'm gonna go for the leg dude i'm gonna do a spin sweep i hope it hurts dude because that's you you can go to jail for that so that's malpractice i mean i know you're not a doctor but that's malpractice you might be a doctor maybe you're doing the ice cream challenge and you and you are a doctor now that's malpractice and i will sue you i'll buy the ice cream eat it to sue you do you understand me unless you have a gross mouth some people have gross as fuck mouths huh you ever talk to somebody and they're talking with their mouth and you're just like, whoa, what are you doing?

Like, what is going on in there, you know? Like, they got weird teeth or like that weird fucking yellow, like, or like sometimes it's like gray in their mouth and you're just like, you feel like you're looking at like they're like asshole like you have to feel that the same way you're like why did why did you show me that you know that's how i feel when sometimes people talk to me and i'm looking in their mouths talking and i'm just like why are you showing me this if someone like that did the ice that did the ice cream challenge dude hey ass meet the floor because you're getting sweeped

um yeah are you some dust because you're getting sweeped I'm a janitor boom sweep you're on and then you go dude that's

it's just yeah the ice cream dude that's it's just yeah the ice cream challenge that's so fucked up or I would do this from across the way if I saw you do that I would go like I would put my fist up and I would be running towards you and I'd be like here comes a punch in the face and then boom hit you and I would connect too

either the sweep or here comes a punch in the face. Similar to the ice cream... Oh, here's another one that he's sending me. Oh, yeah, the gallon smashing. This is less bad, but it's real bad. The gallon smash. Oh, good. Good. Good. Congratulations. Wow. the gallon oh good good good congratulations

wow I just saw a guy do bro that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life it's also very very white to do that this is so white gallon smashing compilation the first guy takes the gallon smashing smashes the two gallons of milk

slips and fucking smashes his jaw we don't even need to sweep this guy oh he's so irish fuck think it broke me jaw you know you know what i bet he's from like austin texas and became irish that's how hard he hit his head he's like oh y'all want to do the fucking gallon smash smashing you want to do gallon smashing what's that boy well that's when you take the go to the uh supermarket you take gallon milk you just smash it on the ground the guy says one gallon we're gonna do two the guy says well all right sounds dangerous but let's do it and they go and they do it and they fucking grab the two gallons and get record this and does it smoke boom hits so hard he's gone oh it broke me joel immediate fucking cockney

that's hard to watch that's really really really hard to watch and I've seen Sequest joust jousting dude you know it's like with the gallon the gallon smashing competition and then they get in the fucking one time my brother and i you know those we were we were dumb but we were really young uh you know those uh um what do you call them coupons

things that you they would be in the aisle and you could just take one and then another one would pop out my brother and I would collect them and we would run around

the whole stores and fucking open it and it would go boop and then another one we would run around the whole store and then this guy had a suit

that was we were in New Jersey but he was so New Jersey he was like alright guys alright fellas you gotta give them to me you gotta stop doing that

and I was like here you go and I felt so bad I went back to my Jersey. He was like, alright guys, alright fellas, you gotta give them to me. You gotta stop doing that. And I was like, here you go. And I felt so bad. I went back to my mom and I was like, mom, we got into trouble. These kids are fucking assholes. You know what these kids are? They're all rich. It's like they got too much fucking, their family has too much money.

It's so not it here's the number one thing it's so not worth it you know like what's the thing oh they gotta clean it up okay someone saw you it's so you're basically the guy at the halloween party that dressed up in the outfit that's like like uh you're like you're the person who put on a slip and wrote freud on it and you're like and you're like i'm a freudian slip and this and the guy go oh yeah that's you you're the fucking fun guy at the halloween party you asshole but. But also, you're putting people out. Look what I am. You're dressed as a chicken and you got a cord connected to you

to a blue circle and you're like, look, I'm chicken cord on blue. Oh. Cool, man. You made a Play On Words Halloween costume, dude. You're the first to go. Look at these gallons smashing. Oh, and then he's hamming it up, falling down like he's Buster Keaton.

It's so not funny, dude. It's what not funny people do too because they don't have personalities so they just these guys are slipping it's not even worth recording dude it's so stupid dude all good

all good all good if i saw someone do that i'd take the gallon and throw another gallon on them or just dump it out on them one time oh dude one time you know how you know how oh dude this is how i was as a kid one time somebody poured something on my head as like a joke. And I was a kid. I was a kindergarten kid or whatever it was. Or maybe I was in first or second grade. Bro, this is the kind of kid I was, okay? So, you know on like shows when somebody pours a glass on somebody's head,

they pour a little bit on it and it's real quick and the person just goes like this. And they just sit there when in real life of course you would go like yo what the fuck fucking and grab their hand and their cup would go flying and shit it'll be all awkward but in movies and tv shows especially in the 80s which was when i was a kid somebody would pour something on your head and the person would just go like this and if they had long hair they go right all right so somebody did that to me i don't remember who it was i think it was and the person would just go like this. And if they had long hair, they'd go, right? All right. So somebody did that to me. I don't remember who it was.

I think it was Sumatra. She was like this little girl who in my first grade class too, that one time we were doing answers in the classroom. And she was like, what's another one class? And I was like, I think this is an answer. And Sumatra raises her hand and said my answer. And I go, that was my fucking answer. She said, well, you didn't say it.

You should have said it then. I stole it from you. And I was like, wow, that's a life lesson from Sumatra. Who knew? Right? I wonder what she's doing now. She's 40. That's crazy.

So anyway, somebody did, I think it was Sumatra. She poured something on my head behind me. And it was like a big, something on my head behind me and it was like a big it wasn't just a cup it was like a lot and i did the thing that they do in movies and i go and i waited and she fucking this asshole kept pouring on this shit and i waited an extra second i was like what are you doing dude and she was well, why aren't you moving? And I was like, to be fucking like the movies. You're just supposed to pour a little bit. And then I let me do my thing. But life isn't like the movies, you know?

And that's when I realized that. When I was fucking eight and so much, of course, like a whole power ate on me. When I was fucking eight and so much, it poured like a whole Powerade on me. Anyway, how many minutes has it been? 54. All right, well, you know, this has been really fun. It's so Albuquerque.

And we had a good time. It's nice and cool in the studio, too. Rio Grande Studios. Shout out to them for letting us do it here. And I guess that's that. Are there, there's no, yeah, because we don't have the screen. So what else can we talk about?

Maybe one more thing. I guess, what the fuck, 55 minutes is good? Quirky? And also download the Chris D'Elia app. You can watch that episode live earlier than anyone else, earlier than it comes out ever for anyone. Support the show. Oh, there's a lot of merch.

There's my Future's Too Bright t-shirt. It's got some sunglasses on it. Store.chrisd'elia.com or just go to chrisd'elia.com. And remember, you can get gift cards at the store too. At my store too as well by clicking the gift card link at the top. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Please, that really helps. We're trying to get those followers. It helps us do the show and it helps

us make more money to do the show and shit like that. Making more money is what we're all about. If you ain't in it for the motherfucking money, what's your purpose, man? That was in a song by Tupac. One of the outlaws said it, and they were talking about exhibit. Anyway, subscribe, rate, and review the show and all that.

Video episodes go up a day after the audio podcast, and that's cool. I'm shooting this movie, Army of the Dead, and it's so awesome. The crew and the cast is amazing. Can't say too much about it because I'm going to let them do their thing. I don't know what they want us to say or not say. So I posted a very cool picture of us zombie killers on my Instagram. Go check it out.

And it's hot as fuck in Albuquerque. But it's fun. I'm having a good time. So report on that, the news. How about that? Thanks a lot lot you guys you're great congratulations congratulations

motherfucking five years again motherfucking five years motherfucking five years motherfucking

five years Thank you.