Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 131. Put Your Meat Away

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Hello again from Rio Grande Studios in Albuquerque! On today's show, Chris talks about an article he saw about Tarantino's new movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Also discussed: Armie Hammer and his toe-sucking child, foot fetishes, nudity on Instagram, Riley Reid, "wax paper days", and the musical (and new film trailer for) Cats. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. What's up, guys? San Diego, I'm coming'm coming tickets at crystalia.com um also uh san jose and las vegas tickets at crystalia.com um this is some some episode of congratulations and uh we're still here in albuquerque and it it's great. And you know what? We're blending in.

People, I fucking, you know, I'm a local at this point, dude. You can't tell me I'm not from fucking Albuquerque. I've been here two weeks, and I got to say, I thought it was going to be much. I thought I was going to be, what do you call it? Homesick? There's a thing that a mind does, I think. If you're like, I could go away for five days or two weeks or a month as long as I know how long I'm going away for, you know?

Like, if I go, you know, I noticed it on the road. If I have two nights to do, if I got a night in New York and a night in New Jersey, and if I know that's all I got, then that's as long as I can stay. But if I'm going on a 10- if I know that's all I got, then that's as long as I can stay. But if I'm going on a 10-day vacation and that's what I got, by the way, a 10-day vacation is way worse than going for two days of work because I don't want to be relaxing that long.

I can't do it, dude. Dude, I was thinking about, I don't, somebody asked me the other day on set, like when, because I was talking about how I haven't done standup in 11, this is the 12th day consecutively I haven't done stand-up in 11. This is the 12th day consecutively I haven't done stand-up, and that's the longest I've ever gone since I started my stand-up career. I never went longer than that in 13 years.

And somebody was like, well, you don't take a vacation? And I was like, I don't think I ever took a vacation. I don't think I've ever taken a vacation. I went to Hawaii once with my ex, but I did two shows. I think she was probably secretly mad about that. Who knows? Man, but chicks are always secretly mad. If you're with a chick, she's secretly mad. I got news for you. If you want to know if you're in a relationship, is there a girl around you that's secretly mad? That's your girlfriend. It's all good. Oh, I'm tightening this up, dude. I like to stand better. I'm live on my app.

You can go download my app to see the – if you subscribe to my app, then you can see me do the first 10 minutes or 12 whatever minutes of the podcast before anyone else. Anyway, dude, this is Albuquerque. It's hot and shit. You know what? It wasn't so hot actually yesterday and it was nice as fuck and it was raining. It was a thunderstorm out of nowhere in the sky. You know what Albuquerque does right for real? The sky.

And, you know, I've lived in like New Jersey. I've lived in LA. And there's thunderstorms in New Jersey. But, dude, in Albuquerque, it's like you'll see that lightning like really far, and it'll just light up the whole sky, and then it'll fucking illuminate from the ground. It's amazing, dude. The clouds they got are different clouds, man. I know it's the same clouds you see, but they're different clouds. Dude, the LA sky is terrible.

The LA sky is terrible. It's all smoggy and shit. But, um, what have I done? I was in, we've been shooting. I,

I, I shot guns for the, for the first time. Uh, I shot a pistol and an M four. I think that was what it was. That was what the Navy SEALs guys were telling me. Um,

the first day I was just like, so it's weird to pick up like a killing machine, you know? Like something that's made for killing. That's what was in my head. And then the second day I was like, I felt like Ron Wick. I felt like I was like John Wick's brother. I was like, I got this shit. The fucking, the empty rounds will fly out and hit your face

and that shit's hot like summer on your face, dude. And that's like, you know, I was just thinking about like, okay, like you hit targets. First of all, we don't have to hit targets because we're in a movie. You know what I'm talking about? So you're doing that and you got the gun and then you got it and then it doesn't really matter. And the first time I was doing it, I was like trying to hit the. And I was like, I don't need to hit the fucking target. It'll cut and I'll hit the target. It'll edit it into me hitting the target.

So I was like, I got to concentrate just on drawing and shit like that. And so I would do that and I would fire it. And I don't know where I was going with this. So I really was trying to do my fucking, I don't know. Do you going with this, but, uh, so I really was, uh, trying to do my fucking, I don't know. Do you know what actually has been happening? I've been looking at my fucking phone too long and it makes my brain dead. It makes my brain like,

dude, before phones, I would think of stuff in the world. Like I'd be like, Oh, this is like that. That's like this. It would make me funnier.

And now I just stare at fucking Instagram or Twitter or whatever. And I just feel like a, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, a piece of shit.

Oh, my app's not working, I think. Technical difficulties. Let me start it over. The app, just the app. Maybe this works. Yeah, but I don't know. But like, yeah, I used to think of shit. Phones fucked me up.

I used to think of shit, and now I don't think of shit. Like, I was just at Starbucks, and I noticed something that was funny at Starbucks. Like, when I was at Starbucks, these two dudes walk in, and they were S. Albuquerque. Like, one guy came in and had, like, tattoos all over, and he was real skinny. If you're skinny and you got tattoos all over, you're from Albuquerque. Like one guy came in and had like tattoos all over and he was real skinny. If you're skinny and you got tattoos all over, you're from Albuquerque. And so he was like – he was chilling with his other buddy. And his other buddy looked like him if he was on like a workout plan, like he was a little healthier. They were sitting down and I wasn't looking behind me but they were talking

and all i kept hearing was this dude who was like hey hey dog hey dog um first of all the other guy's name was chris it's like hey chris he's like hey take a picture hey take a picture of me dog and then chris took a picture and chris like like? And then the guy was like, nah, man, come on, man. I don't like a picture like that. And he was like, take a different picture of me, dog. And Chris was like, nah, bro, you got to do it like this. He was like, nah, dog. And he took another picture and he said, hey, man, come on, man.

Don't take a picture like that. I hate pictures like that. That's what he was saying. And I was like, what the fuck kind of pictures? Like, how? They were in a Starbucks. Like, what kind of fucking picture is he taking? I wanted to turn around so bad, but I didn't want them to be like, hey, what the fuck kind of pictures? They were in a Starbucks. What kind of fucking picture is he taking?

I wanted to turn around so bad, but I didn't want them to be like, hey, what the fuck are you looking at, bro? You're not from here. And I was thinking about how that was funny, and I was like, oh, dude, I can maybe make a bit about that, and then I just started looking at my phone.

Forgot. No bit. There will be no bit about that. Not even on my podcast. I'm talking about on stage. That's not going to be new material now because of fucking Instagram. Oh my, it's not working. That's annoying.

I have this app that works a lot and they just fucking keep fucking it up. They keep fucking texting me and shit. Whatever, it doesn't matter. So now I don't know. And also, I was in the same Starbucks. And this guy comes up to me. He's like, hey, man, I really like your hair.

And I was like, ah, thanks. And he says, yeah, I always wanted curly hair like that. And I said, oh, yeah? And he said, yeah. Guy had long fucking Johnny Depp hair that was like silver and shit. And then just walked out. Didn't even get a coffee. It's like he came to just look for somebody with cool hair. And then just walked out didn't even get a coffee it's like he came to

just tell look for somebody with cool hair and then fucking walked out walked into starbucks was homeless maybe not maybe people are homeless or maybe they're from albuquerque i don't know you know and um went to some you know local restaurants and shit and no matter what i do too it's like the wrong thing. Like I'll post something. I'm making fun of shit. I'm making fun of shit on my Instagram. And then somebody will write me, oh, bro, you're not even going to the right place, man.

You make fun of Albuquerque, but there's a lot of cool places. And then I'll go to another place. And then somebody, oh, you got to go to this other place. Then I go to that place. Nah, bro, you got to shut the fuck up. I'll just do whatever. You know, it'll be fine. A place is cool or it's not cool.

If you're there for two weeks and you're bored as shit, then that's how it is. Hopefully, this doesn't make the news. But it's fine, dude. It's not bad. It's not a bad place. It's actually the people are really nice. And you know what's really cool about Albuquerque is they don't fucking bother you too much. Like people aren't in your face.

Like everywhere else I go, they're more like okay like dude i'm not i'll tell you what in albuquerque i'm the least famous guy nobody nobody can i get a picture so only a very very rarely everywhere else i go can i get a picture picture maybe it's the news thing maybe they're fucking trying to boycott me i don't know but um yeah i don't know albuquerque is a lot of mud huts and it's weird it's got this own like new mexico's got like it's so weird how it goes over like from the from the west coast california the style of california is just kind of whatever it just doesn't really have crazy style then you get over to fucking like uh arizona and it's got this obvious kind of like. It just doesn't really have crazy style. Then you get over to fucking like Arizona and it's got this obvious kind of like,

sort of like, I guess like, like, I don't even know how to describe it. Like this Aztec and Indian type fucking style. And then you get over to New Mexico and it's like, you're just there pretty much. It's like got this like Mexican sort of like really like there's no mistaking

this artwork. And now it's pretty it's always just like tan and fucking brown and shit and that you see that sun with the with the with the fucking like the thing on the lights plate that shit is everywhere like the albuquerque symbol i've never seen a symbol more in a place than albuquerque people have it on the back of their neck they get a tattoo dude albuquerque here's the other on the back of their neck. They get a tattoo. Dude, Albuquerque, here's the other thing too. And I'm not even knocking it, but you guys Oh, my buddy on the show that we're

doing, Omari Hardwick, he's on Power. He's on this movie. He got a fucking dope tattoo. I might go to the tattoo place, but most of the tattoos in Albuquerque, you look like you were just bored and went to go get the tattoo and were like, yeah, okay, I guess. And so many Albuquerque sons with the fucking what do you call it? The same thing on the license plate.

But anyway, and then after Santa Fe, after New Mexico, what's after New Mexico? Fucking Texas? What's to the east? That's it? And then it's like kind of gone. It's sort of gone. I mean, Texas is kind of more cowboy shit, and then it's like kind of gone it's sort of gone i mean texas is kind of more cowboy shit and then it's gone after texas is just like there's no like i i guess it's influenced from mexico i guess i

don't know i could google it but well i'm not gonna you know so just that's how it is we learned so yeah I went to the Starbucks I don't know Starbucks still tastes like a fucking back of a cow's mouth I found some other cool coffee shops that are cool but also they're not that good people are like you gotta go to this one I go to that one it's not that good also what's up with like fucking

if it's not painted brown it's painted white and it's so sunny that I needed to get glasses. I got these fucking sunglasses from Sunglass Hut. I drove to the mall to do it. And I was like, I got to. I give up. I was like, I literally like, I was like, I give up, dude.

I fucking, it's too bright. I got to Albuquerque. I was like, it doesn't really matter. I don't need to get sunglasses. I could just walk around. My opener never has sunglasses. He's always just kind of squinting. I was like, it doesn't really matter. I don't need to get sunglasses. I could just walk around. My opener never has sunglasses. He's always just kind of squinting. I was like, I could do it.

Bro, it's brighter here. Did you know that? It's fucking brighter here. So I had to go to the mall. Okay. By the way, go to this mall. Every other store is a shoe store. Now, here's the deal.

Every other store is a shoe store. But also, I walk in. As soon as I go, there's a walk-in. There's a kiosk of sunglass hut so i was like okay cool so i say hey man do you have any like ray bands those are the kinds i like i was like i'm just gonna fucking get it and he was like uh we don't have the kind you want he said i said oh but aren't there other isn't there like another sunglass hut here in the mall and he goes like this there's four hey hey there's four sunglass huts in the fucking mall

in albuquerque in the coronado mall you don't need four you need one just take the fucking kiosks out and put them all in the one goddamn one you can seriously do that economy of glasses economy of lenses put the fucking sunglasses in the kiosk why am i peeking i'm peeking oh i'm peeking put the sunglass... Yeah, okay, that's better. Hot! I guess. It sounds like maybe it's going to be a rough one. So, that's what it is.

Here, you want to hear it? You got good news for me? Why? Oh, okay. All right. Anyway, we went to Sunglass Hut hut i went to sunglass hut by myself and i got the fucking glasses and it's all good this is so fucking boring what am i doing here i don't i don't you know what though

i just feel like you're you know some podcasts are going to be good and some are going to be fucking boring i listen to i listen to some other guy uh some other good and some are going to be fucking boring. I listen to some other podcasts. By the way, I listen to some other podcasts and they're fucking boring as shit too. Except for some of them are fucking really interesting. This one will never be really interesting. It will just be kind of funny sometimes. How about the lady that fucking drove through the Jack in the Box thing or whatever it was? And they said, hey, it will be fucking 1950 or whatever.

And she said, this one is on God, and she drove away. Did you hear about that? Yeah. She goes, this one's on God, like God's paying for it. Hey, going to hell. Hey, you're going to hell, dude. That's the first person that should be in line for hell. You can't use God to get free fucking burgers.

I'm going to do that. So many people hit me up too because the last episode was called fucking take it up with Christ. People were like, oh, she should have said take it up with Christ. This one's on God. You can say that right when you bust nuts. This one's on God. You can say that right when you bust nuts.

This one's on God. Ah, fucking whatever, dude. I wake up every time I wake up in Albuquerque. My nose is so dry. And I go to the bathroom to get tissues. This is how dumb I am, dude. Every morning I wake up at like whenever before you really wake up. You know how you wake up?

You do the pre-wake up before you really wake up, which is annoying as fuck. Your body just can't stay awake for eight hours. Who sleeps for eight hours straight? I've done that maybe if I take NyQuil. But like I'll sleep and then wake up and then sleep and then wake up. And when I wake up, my nose is drier than the sahara okay so then i'll get up and every time i think man i really should just bring the tissues over to the bedroom to the bed i go i get the tissues i blow my nose and i don't bring and it's like nah i'll just it'll be fine and then i go back in bed and then i don't bring the fucking tissues and then i wake up again in an hour and

i think oh i really gotta bring these tissues back and then i don't and then i go back in bed and then I don't bring the fucking tissues and then I wake up again in an hour and I think, oh, I really got to bring these tissues back. And then I don't and then I go to the fucking bathroom and then I come back and I'm doing fucking calisthenics when I can just be fucking grabbing the tissue and blow my nose. And I don't do that shit. I don't know what it is. It's like I don't want to succeed in my life when it comes to fucking normal shit. I wanted to make it the hardest way possible and I don't know why. Maybe it's because my life is easy or good.

But I fucking, you know, it's so dry that I have to blow my nose. I have to do a few nose blows before I actually get the shit out. You know what I'm talking about? And it's horrible. And then I take all the tissues, and I throw them on the so

i did it last night i brought the the uh the tissue box and i brought the tissues and i would blow my nose and i put it next to my bed i just drop them there and then i was like i gotta clean this up because it looks like i fucking jerked off and i just had the tissues next to my bed and the cleaning is gonna be like oh so sad of you jerked off. Also, at the hotel I'm staying at, they fucking knock on the door before 9 a.m. to clean the room. What the fuck? Who am I, Steve Jobs? I'm not waking up then.

Who the fuck wakes up in a hotel is what I'm saying. In your daily life, I get you got to wake up at fucking 7 sometimes or 6 to work out and then go to work. But in a hotel, dude, start that shit at 1030. That's it. Start it at 1030. Make sure everyone's out. And it's also annoying because when I fucking wake up and I go and I open the door, I'm like, hey. And I'm like, yeah, I'm still sleeping. They're like, okay.

I was like, but come back later. And then they don't. It's like, well, fuck you. If you're going to burn daylight, you don't get your room cleaned. And then I went downstairs and I was like, well, fuck you. If you're going to burn daylight, you don't get your room cleaned. And then I went downstairs and I was like, hey, I need more body wash. They give you like a little

bitch ass thimble of it. You know hotels because they don't want you to, it's like they don't want you to waste it but it's more like they don't want you to use it. They're like, oh, we'll give them a little bit.

And it's almost not enough for my whole body. You know, I got a mountain range on my back. How the fuck am I supposed to wash this shit? Do you know what I'm saying? I've got shoulders that go on until next Thursday,

and you want me to wash with a little thimble? What? I'm sorry, but what? And so I went down, and I said, hey, can I get some body wash? And I go like this. I look at the front desk, and I go like this, because I'm going I gesture to my fucking mountain range and

she's like sure and then when I got up next time I got up there was a fucking bag of them like a fuck you bag did I love that shit man loving it loving it but it's hot as fuck you know did you see fucking army hammer how he let his kid suck his toe and everyone went nuts

thought it was armageddon dude i don't care it doesn't matter i couldn't believe it is it by the way is it like do do people think that sucking on a toe is a sexual thing? Was that what it was? It was like four seconds the kid was just sucking on Armie Hammer's toe. He's his own kid. And he was like, he's been doing this for like an hour. Obviously joking. And the internet flipped out.

Dude, his name was trending over 6,000 times. You know what I did? I followed him on fucking Instagram. Because that's what you get. You get to follow, dude. That shit's funny as hell. Is it because it's a sexual thing? Dude, if my kid sucks my toe,

I go, what the fuck are you doing? And I film it. That's what I do. I'm Team Army Hammer, bro. So I followed him on Instagram because that's what you get when you're a fucking pro on Instagram. He's a pro on Instagram.

Filming some shit in daily life that people want to see. People are like, oh, no. I'm so bummed I looked at it. It's so gross. No, it's not, dude. Although I think that here's the thing. If you think it's gross, you think a feed is a sexual thing. Because why is it gross?

Who cares? What if the kid was sucking on his finger? What's the difference? It doesn't matter. It's fucking toast. Dude, and I got a buddy who's got like a foot fetish, like a serious one. And that's weird as fuck. He's a big comedian and he loves feet.

And I would never tell you who that is because I'm loyal. But I'll tell you what, it's not one of those stories that ends with, and that man is me. It's not me. I don't get it. And then also some people are like, ew, feet. Like, go fuck yourself. Look down. You got him.

But this guy loves feet. You ever see like feet jobs on the internet? Like you ever watch more than two seconds of it? You know how hard it is? It's harder to rent a fucking car. You're like, or it's harder than renting a car. They're like, like this, you know? Don't use anything to jerk anything off unless it's got a thumb with it.

Fucking knees all out and shit, so not sexy. Girl jerking you off with feet? Heh. girl jerking you off with feet hey if you can't use one then it doesn't work you know you got to use both because you don't have thumbs that's weird although i would like to be in a feet though it would be cool to be into feet sexually because then you could be like oh i, I got another thing that like people like I wish I was in the feet. It's weird, but like I wish I had more things I was into sexually. I got pretty much regular shit.

Like I like to be kind of dominant, but then also that's pretty much it. You do three positions. We've been over this, dude. You do missionary, you do doggy style. And then you do the girl on top. But you don't do... Also, if you're a guy on guy, I've never done guy on guy.

I'm not gay. But I kind of wish I was so I can make those rules too. Because if I make those rules as a straight man, people are going to get mad. But here's the rules anyway. Get mad if you want. You only do doggy.

That's it. You don't do it. You don't face each other. Until I was about 30, I didn't think about like, I thought like, oh, you just do regular, you just do doggy. Gay guys just do doggy,

but I was like, you don't have to. I was like, oh, fuck, you could do like face to face, but then you're having sex with the guy and the other guys the other guy's looking at you it unplugged and then the other guys it's okay it unplugged that thing and then that guy's looking at you but then he but then his his dick is flopping all around you know i didn't think about the other guy's dick when you're having sex it's okay it just it went a little quieter that's all what i know am i keeping going

yeah i can hear myself i never thought about the other guy's dick in gay sex. Do you know what I'm saying? You have a home for your penis if you're the giver. But the other guy's penis is kind of more like he's looking for a gate at the airport. You know what I'm saying? You've never thought about that. If you're a straight dude, you don't really think about this stuff. But I do because you have to. I have to think about all the things to make all the rules.

The other guy's dick is looking for a gate at the airport. That's what he's doing. And then if it's his turn to give, he's like, oh, we're boarding. And the other guy's like, I've arrived at my destination. I wish I was into all this stuff. I wish I was destination. I wish I was into all this stuff.

I wish I was gay. I wish I was... Well, as long as it's legal, you know what I'm talking about? The more, the better, dude. The more bustin', the better, right? That's how it is. That's my mayor platform.

I'm running for mayor platform. That's my platform, running for mayor. We had these Navy guy navy seals training us to how to shoot the guns and shit and i always try to like make people laugh like that's my thing like to to like you know i feel like like in my head it's like breaking someone like if i can make them laugh then it's like okay good then we're good and i can like communicate with the person now which is probably the most fucked up thing if i really think about it but i was you know making these little jokes here and there and the navy seals guys were not laughing because they they just fucking have probably killed 40 guys you know what do you laugh at if you've killed 40 guys so i was like i'm just not even gonna try with them and then people were going around the

room saying like what are you gonna do this weekend you're in albuquerque what are you gonna do you got two days off and i just said i you know i decided i'm gonna run for mayor of albuquerque and the fucking navy seal dude laughed hard and i was like oh that's what broke him and i was in dude and then i was friends with the navy seal guy and the navy seal guy afterwards was like he brought up again he was like so what do you think is going to be like your platform that you run on he wanted to play and so I said to him well you know I'm really religious

and he started laughing again more oh that shit is the kind of shit that makes me feel bonkers good dude he asked me about my platform and I wanted to play more and I was like That shit is the kind of shit that makes me feel bonkers good, dude. He asked me about my platform and I wanted to play more. And I was like, we're doing it, dude. I love making people laugh, dude.

That's it, man. That's it. That's all I ever wanted to do, man. That's all I ever wanted to do. I heard my dad on a podcast the other day and he said, that's all I ever wanted to do. And I was like, oh, fuck, he's it. That's all I ever wanted to do, man. That's all I ever wanted to do. I heard my dad on a podcast the other day, and he said, that's all I ever wanted to do. And I was like, oh, fuck, he's right. It is all I ever wanted to do. So anyway, I'm a big Army Hammer fan after all that shit because he let his kids suck his toe for a fun goof. Oh, man. um oh man sex is weird huh

my favorite shit too is like i saw uh who the fuck was it i saw a girl on on twitter she's always popping up in my shit. People either respond to her or something. I can't remember her fucking name. I think she follows me. But she was like... She just is gangster on her Twitter. Fuck, what is it? I don't remember. And it was all people just...

Because Twitter is like the Wild West. Like Instagram, you can barely post a fucking... I mean, you can't post a nipple. Some of these co-watches ads, they're basically het porn. But like, these girls will be like, co-watches, and they'll have their watch like this, and their nipple.

They're just like... It'll be like that fucking ping pong thing in South Park where the ping pong ball keeps coming out of the i don't know the the pussy but it's like co watches on instagram and it's like sign sign use my code 20 off co watches and we're like where's the co watch oh it's coming out of okay it's coming out of her i get it and um but this girl's gangster. Because on Instagram, Riley Reid is what it is. That's her name.

And she – and I looked at her Twitter and it's like gangster. Like these – I don't know if – I don't really – I haven't seen many porn stars on Twitter. But this one – I should look at more to see if they're all like this. But this one was – and I'm not trying to be like holier than thou. I watch porn. I'm not trying to be like holier than thou I watch porn I'm not I'm not trying to be like I don't know I get all the things that porn does I go on Pornhub

you know what I mean sometimes I check it out and I just see what's going on and I window shop but um remember that song by 50 Cent use the window shopper that was the last song with 50 cent made we're like okay well i guess he's done making songs huh so um so it was like gangster

it was like just like it would be like a video god this is a crass episode but this is what i saw she would be like this is how you it would be like this is how you stack pussies and it'll be like three girls on top of each other you know like like there was anybody ever questioning how do you stack pussies

you know like anyone was ever like ah fuck i gotta go on ask jeeves.com how do you stack pussies jeeves you just pretty much probably put a fucking lady on a lady on a lady also why you doing it just on a fucking step one get a piano bench have one lady one lady lay down and then another lady lay down and then another lady lay down on her it will be like it's just gangster dude and they just put that on the internet like they have no parents and then another one will be like you know we just want like this would be like a porn like we just want to make you come and they'll be like another girl with another girl and just be like and i'm just like god damn that's gangster i have no problem with it, but it's gangster. You know what I mean? So then I would like, but it's like, oh, and then, but the funniest shit to me was she was like, I saw one tweet where it was like, man, they deleted my Instagram.

No shit. no shit i've seen a lot of actually seen a lot of like girls where it's like oh i can't believe they deleted my instagram porn stars i get it but some regular chicks will be like ugh can't believe they deleted my instagram you're hooking stop stacking pussies you know what I mean? Stop being so gangster with your meat. Of course they delete it. Or how about when you see a girl's Instagram and it's like,

deleted at 60,000, but I'm back. Stop exposing your meat, dude. What are you doing man cover up your baboon rudders it's a cross i gotta think of different words though because if i keep saying put it's too much if i keep saying the p word you know it but it's just uh of course they deleted it stop being so gangster dude oh man so funny dude that being so fucking this is you that's because this is you on instagram dude just fucking squirting all over stop squirting if i worked at instagram i wouldn't delete the porn stars.

I would delete the girls who are trying to get away with everything to sell a watch. Or to sell a fucking Bang Energy drink or whatever. It's so funny that day. That's so funny to me, dude. it's so funny that that's so funny to me dude this is a mcdonald's you know put your fucking meat away um yeah dude but shout out to that that's the thing man i love people who love their work i don't care if you're a fucking porn star. Or a fucking. UPS driver. You know.

That girl. Loves what she does. And she's gangster on Twitter. Because you can be. But just don't. You know. I guess if you're a porn star or whatever. Just do Instagram like.

More artistically or whatever. I mean, because then I was thinking about it and I was like, maybe it's more like me. That's like saying don't do jokes on Instagram. Like then I wouldn't even have Instagram. Maybe that's what it's like being a porn star. It's like, well, I can't fucking. Well, how the fuck is what I love is showing my taint. You know?

This is the song that I was trying to play. Anytime a porn star starts on Instagram when she was deleted at 60K. Stacking. Yeah, man. I mean, man, man. That made me laugh, though. Listen. It's amazing when you look at the internet how many people get pissed off daily about things.

I never thought about when Twitter started and stuff, like how annoying it would be. And just like the white male bashing, which, you know, is so weird. But like the Tarantino thing was the craziest to me. Like when they were like, I heard an article about it, or I read an article about it, and it said, once upon a time in Hollywood, this is on NBCnews.com, think opinion analysis essays. Hot take. Hot takeion analysis essays. Hot take. Hot take, you know. Don't say your own thing is a hot take, by the way.

That's for other people to say. No fucking hot take, you know. Hot take my ass. It says, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. This is the title. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood takes the Sharon Tate murders and makes them about men. Quentin Tarantino's new movie, Reframes a Brutal Crime, is a story about white male heroism that does a disservice to both Tate and to the story. Dude. And this is written by a guy or a girl?

Oh, shit. Look, it's written by a girl. So, yeah. I didn't see the movie, but you literally, the movie's about what it's about. I don't even know how to explain this to a fucking thick-headed person. The movie isn't about the Sharon Tate murders. If it's not about the Sharon Tate murders, okay? It's about what it's about so I mean how do I say this and not make you seem like a fucking idiot a movie is about what it's about it's not about what it's not about you getting mad that once upon a time in hollywood

is not about the sharon tate murders is getting mad at the movie transformers that it's not about the sharon tate murders in the right way because the movie's just about what it's about so i don't i i can't explain how you that's it that's it you go like that like we were in a court of law and they were like well we you know we're really looking into this fucking forensically about why this white male made a movie about the Sharon Tate murders and it's not about the Sharon Tate murders then I come in with my business suit because I'm a lawyer

and I say well you see movies are about what they're about and then the fucking judge goes oh case adjourned and everyone goes yeah that's true look at this leave it to Quentin Tarantino to make a story about the murder of sharon tate a truly horrific real crime in which female cultists murder a famous pregnant woman that revolves around men also what about quentin tarantino who made kill bill volume one and two

that's about a chick I mean dude this is just outstanding this article this fucked up dumb shit article here's the thing too I tweeted about it it's so crazy how many people look I'm in Hollywood I'm a Hollywood guy but it's

so crazy when I tweet something like that the traction it doesn't get because people are so so scared to even like something negative about something about this article because then they'll be like well i don't want to be racist or whatever the fuck it is you're getting mad at the wrong shit dude quentin tarantino isn't a bad he's a bad guy he's not a bad guy i don't know this shit doesn't mean he's a bad guy i mean the look at this for the most for most of the film tate and some manson family girls are sidelined. Seemingly so, the real stars. Look at this.

This is hilarious right here. This is an excerpt from the thing. For most of the film, Tate and some Manson family girls are sidelined. Seemingly so, the real stars, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt can do their thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How about this? Yeah. They're the two biggest.

Oh, you mean the two biggest? Hey, you don't have to put them in. You don't have to put real in quotes. Do you know why? Because they're the real stars of the movie. Because that's what the fuck movie is about. That's what the movie's about. Stop fucking complaining.

This article is why Trump's going to get elected again. I mean, it's so fucking funny and then in the middle of it says want more articles like this sign up for the think newsletter and get updates on the week's most important cultural analysis oh dude want more taints like this eat it look at this but tarantino isn't interested in who sharon tate was anyway all he cares about is what she represents a sex symbol a woman cut down in her prime i didn't see the movie so i it's so funny man this shit people like this is an article dude imagine if I was this famous

as famous as something that these people would just destroy me how much shit I say that's fucking quote unquote problematic it's so weird to me hot take what does hot take mean bad take i for real yeah okay well catch you later whoever wrote that no i i know what a hot take is but it's usually a bad take you know i saw a tweet that was like i can't remember what show it was but it was like

hey they canceled netflix canceled this show but but sure, give Eddie Murphy $70 million to fucking make it special. I'm like, okay. Companies can do whatever, man. They can just do what they want. You know, complain about all you want, but it's like, the internet, man, it's the best and worst, huh? Isn't it? It's so fucking crazy

i gotta see that movie though it's three hours long movies that are three hours long are just too long huh i just like i'd go see a movie that was 50 minutes. It's like even comedy specials. Like I just, I want to do, that's why I did that half hour comedians of the world one. I was like, all right, maybe this will be the new thing to do.

And you know, I'm doing my hour again. I'm doing another hour for Netflix, but like, I just want to do like a 45, 50 minute one. I feel like fucking an hour is long. I used to open up for Joe Coy.

He used to do two hours. Now he would kill the whole time, but I was just like, aren't these people fucking tired? I don't want to do two hours. At a certain point, it becomes an ego thing. Not maybe not two hours,

but like I remember fucking somebody was on stage at the Laugh Factory. I can't remember if Chappelle. I think Chappelle did like a long, was just fucking around on stage for a while. And then I think Dane did like eight hours or some shit on stage at the Laugh Factory. Like, what are you doing? That's so long. It's almost sad at a certain point. Not two hours.

But like some guys will do like three hours. It's like, what are you... Go do a life. I know that's not the norm. He doesn't do eight hours all the time. But like, obviously, it's just like... I don't know. Maybe he was going through some shit. I'll tell you right now. If I ever do eight hours on stage,. But like, obviously, it's just like, I don't know, maybe he was going through some shit.

I'll tell you right now, if I ever do eight hours on stage, I'm going through some shit. I don't even want to be on set for eight hours. Yeah. Let's see. I mean, dude, between the army hammer, kid sucking his toe thing,

and then the fucking Quentin Tarantino thing, that just was like hilarious to me. Like that this fucking internet – this world is just going nuts. It's weird when I – like how I've been – I've been on set all day every day and I just like – it's weird how like you can just – I bet if you have like a real job like my job is not a real job doing stand-up like I'm I'm traveling I'm doing my show for an hour I'm doing two shows sometimes an hour each for a night and then the rest of the day I can do whatever I want so I know what's going on in the world but I wasn't really doing that like we're so hot I'm in my fucking outfit for the movie I'm not really checking my phone and i'm just kind of like i don't know what's going on in the world so i feel dumber like actors are can like they will get you got

to like i mean let me tell you the the think about the movie taken that badass fucking movie that i love and liam neeson's one of my favorite guys, okay? Think about how much of it is actually him doing something. They have to set up, so you shoot like a page, like a page a day or something, or two pages a day, three, four, five pages a day sometimes. Or if you're really crunching it, you do like six pages a day or some shit.

In a script, a script is 120 pages. In Taken, I'm sure it was a big budget, so they were doing not that many pages a day or some shit in a script. The script is 120 pages in taken. I'm sure it was a big budget. So they were doing not that many pages a day, but a scene you will shoot a guy walking in, putting his keys down, turn on the TV. That scene from start to finish will take like three hours to shoot it. So Liam Neeson for three hours is walking into a door,

into a room, putting the keys down, turning on the TV, and then they go, okay, cut, we've got to change the light, the camera angle, Liam's taller than the thing, and we've got to do that, we've got to make sure, and then maybe Liam Neeson's like, oh, that doesn't work for me. I need to walk in and put it down with my left hand. So then they're like, oh, shit, we've got to film it from this side.

So now the scene takes three hours. If that's your job you're and you don't do anything else you're dumb as shit i'm not saying liam neeson's dumb as shit he probably reads or fucking you know this is the podcast i don't know what the fuck he does but like if you're just like the past week i've just been sitting on set doing and i'm dumber i'm fucking dumber i have to read a book. I left my book in LA. I got to get a new book. But I'm dumber because I've just been sitting around

in the fucking desert. I really feel dumb, dude. You ever have those days where you just feel fucking dumb? There's like a cloud in your fucking head? That's how I feel. I used to call them wax paper days. It feels like there's a piece of fucking wax paper over your face.

That's how I feel. But I'm still here for you guys. Mostly because of the money, though, at this point. You know? It became very lucrative, this podcast. But I do really love you guys. Well, I really like you guys. I don't want someone to stab me because I said I loved them.

And they're like, oh, are we married? Stalkers are nuts, huh? Stop. Some people DM me over and over and over and over and over again, just talking about anything, just like lamps. Like for real. And I'm just like. And I don't really read it.

But every now and then I'll click on one. And I'll scroll. And this person's DM'd me 50 times or more. And they're talking about things that I don't give a fuck about. And I'm just like, what do you think this is here? Are you a fan or are we... God, the energy that goes into that, huh?

Crazy. I've had people email me every day for years I don't know how they got my email I fucking block them it's fucking scary out there dude I I um I read this book I was nervous about this person once I read this book the um fear the gift Fear by – who's it by? And it's so good, man. This book is so good. It's about stalkers and how – it reads like a thriller, but it's an actual serious – like it's a real – it's nonfiction. It's nonfiction and it's about how like when you know somebody, when somebody is like giving you – because sometimes people will like call people and be like, I'm watching you or whatever the fuck it is.

Or like they'll make up dummy internet accounts and they'll like try to scare you. You know who – it's like you know who it is. The whole thing is like you know who the person that is stalking you is. You just don't realize you know who it is, which was like the craziest shit. That was like the Weeby meme. I was like, oh. And then I thought about it and I was like, I know who the person who's doing this is because it was under a dummy account. I was like, oh, I know who this person is.

And I figured it out. And then when I figured it out, I did my life the way Gavin DeBecker. I lived my life in defense of that, and the person stopped. That book is so smart, I can't recommend it enough. Even if you don't have stalkers, it's a good thriller read.

But who doesn't have stalkers nowadays? This is the internet. If you're a chick and you don't have stalkers nowadays? This is the internet. If you're a chick and you don't have a stalker, you just don't know you have a stalker. Um, here we go. Another opinion. That's going to piss me off let me click on it

oh these boy they do try to this clickbait this hot hot takes you the lion king has a great new beyonce song the rest of it is trite and uninspired nothing about disney's latest live action remake really lets you feel the love tonight people are annoying huh who the fuck would read that hey cats is gonna be creepy as shit huh how the fuck are they gonna make a movie cats they might as well like have you seen oh my god dude hey go fuck yourself do you know why it's in my trash can what do they call them jellicle oh you're gonna make up a fucking word in a musical about cats that sing? Dude, hey, go fuck yourself.

It's so bad, dude. And then finally they go to memories. And I'm like, all right, cool. And then the song's not even long. And I'm like, this shit? Bro, imagine an adult for real going like this. With claws. bro imagine an adult for real going like this with claws they're gonna make a movie about it let me tell you right now right now the movie cats is gonna eat shit in the box office it's gonna eat fucking shit dude i'm telling you right now

cats movie i know movies that are gonna tank and are not gonna tank by the way I'm telling you right now. Cats movie. I know movies that are going to tank and are not going to tank, by the way. Come to me, Hollywood. Watch the Cats movie trailer. So creepy. I haven't seen the trailer yet, so let me look at it. And then I'll let you know if it's actually going to bomb or not. It's human cats, you know?

Oh, they're just cartoons. Oh, they're real people, though. What's a cartoon? One Chance, of course. One Chance. Always with One Chance. Judy Den't seen you before, have I? Judi Dench. It looks like they're just wearing cats.

They just look like, pretty much, they look like two chains because they have necklaces on and shit. Oh, this will make a lot of movie because it's fucking... because kids. Bad CGI. It's weird to see.

Oh, James Corden is in it? Jason Derulo is in it. He just elbowed Elba Jennifer Hudson Ian McKellen Taylor Swift Oh Jesus Rebel Wilson What?

Sammy Davis Jr. Jesus Christ Movie's gonna bomb Movie's gonna bomb movie's gonna bomb nobody's gonna see a fucking movie about a human cat dude that's so creepy nah nah I know what movies are gonna fucking bomb nah nah

I know what movies are going to fucking bomb what is another movie that was of course going to bomb oh what's that movie and I like these actors too I don't know I don't want to make more fucking enemies you know there's a movie out there that was going to bomb so bad you should have known and they should have known

why are they making these fucking you know this is what it is dude i haven't fucking washed my hair in two days and uh I haven't fucking washed my hair in two days. And, uh... How many days do you guys... Fucking, I want to know. You tweet me how many days you go without washing your hair and tweet that to me, and then I won't read it.

Because I don't give a fuck. You know, when people are like, tweet me about the thing, let me know. What's your craziest... Workout workout people on Instagram they'll be like do you ever put fucking walk around the house with mismatched clothing on let me know you ever wear fucking crazy shit at home

what the fuck how crazy but relatable am I you don't talk about the real shit. You fake ass motherfucker. You don't talk about the real shit. You're not being relatable. You're fucking, dude, get out of here.

This shit, the whole thing is a facade. I'm going to start believing in, I'm going to start believing in every conspiracy. Dude, conspiracy theorists, why do they have to believe

in every conspiracy? Why is that the thing? Is there a conspiracy theorist, why do they have to believe in every conspiracy? Why is that the thing? Is there a conspiracy theorist out there that just believes in fucking one or two? It's always like 9-11, that's the shit. The government's a big brother. Fucking that happened and this happened. Chem trails, all of it. What's it called that didn't really happen?

Sandy Hook. Nobody believes in just two conspiracies you believe in zero or all of them that's how you know conspiracies are bullshit uh anyway oh yeah like someone's mad that the fucking girl's playing harriet tubman and she's not an american she's a an American? She's a British person? That's crazy, dude. Imagine being in Britain.

They got to get an American person? If they were going to do a play about Harriet Tubman, they got to fucking get an American actor? You can play whoever you want. You can make a movie about not the Sharon Tate murders. You can make that movie if you want. How many groups do we have to check with to make a goddamn movie? How many?

11? How come nobody got mad at Jared Leto for playing trans? Why? Nobody got mad at that because it wasn't the time to get mad, right? And then later, it was the time to get mad. If that movie was made now, everyone would be so mad at Jared Leto. That's how you know it's fucking bullshit. Play whoever.

I don't give a fuck. He's a bankable star, so he played that role because he wanted to. I don't know. I'm just going to start fucking dudes so I can play everyone Alright, I guess that's it, huh? Is that it? We did an hour? Oh, okay I'm done, dude But, you know

I'm also sweating You can download my app I got, you know i'm also sweating uh you could download my app i got you know do that uh you could listen to me doing the podcast live uh go to the merch store.christalia.com and uh subscribe to the youtube channel rate and review the show videos podcasts go up a day after the audio podcast coming to san jose ve, Peoria, Santa Barbara, Riverside, San Diego, Foxwoods, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and Rochester.

Detroit. ChrisLeah.com Congratulations. That's it, right? That's it. You guys are the best. Thanks a lot, guys. Remember, keep stacking them pussies. Congratulations. The best. Thanks a lot, guys. Remember, keep stacking them pussies. Thanks for watching! Thank you.