Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 132. Stanley Lettuce

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about his friend and Army of the Dead costar Matthias Schweighöfer. Also discussed: bragging about not sleeping, protected sex and birth control, following Leslie Jones, imposter syndrome, and "X-Men". Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply All right, you guys, what's up? It's a what's up? It's a congratulations podcast. We got a lot of stuff coming at you today. Who knows what number episode it is, but, you know, it was brought to you by. We got it live on the app. It's Chris Lea app. We'll be right back. live shows coming up live shows coming up we got a show in san diego uh coming up and you can get

tickets we go to chrysalia.com the cool thing about san diego is that link was broken for at least three weeks and we sold way less tickets than we normally do and it had to be up to me to to find out what the fuck was going on and i called my agent and then we got in touch with san diego and of course they said oh sorry the website's been down for three weeks. And that's one of the reasons why San Diego sucks. San Diego fucking blows. Full of bros and sluts. And people who can't keep a website together. So go ahead and get limited tickets left.

We were going to maybe add a show, but now it just might be too late. Let's go to ChrisLeah.com. Is it fucking annoying as shit? Yes. Are we still going to go to San Diego? Yes. Are we going to swear never to go to San Diego ever again? Yes.

Are we going to still go because they give us butt money? Yes. So, yeah. again yes are we gonna still go because they give us but but buddy yes um so yeah somebody on my app writes this guy he sounds different fuck is wrong with you dude um i think he's joking uh but who knows because his name is Cole. You never know if a guy named Cole is joking or not. Don't have your name be the same name as what you get in your stocking when you're bad and Santa comes to town. So, yeah. So, what's up, dude? You can fucking get tickets to SanDiegoCrystalia.com.

The link is back working. And we got other things coming up. We're going to fucking I don't know where we're going. I don't know where we're going. I never know where we're going. I really don't ever know where we're going. I know always a day a week in advance, my babies. But it's Crystalia and this is a congratulations podcast.

Dude. I was in fucking quirky and now I'm here, so yeah, so I'm in LA now dude, and that's what's up, San Jose, Las Vegas,

Santa Barbara, Riverside, San Diego, Fox, Connecticut, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, why is it called Bethlehem,

it's some fucking goddamn religious, Rochester, New York, Detroit, Michigan, Adamsville, New Buffalo, Michigan, and they were shooting a special in Minneapolis,

Tampa, Florida, and all that shit. But anyway, dude, yeah, I'm back in L.A., and I was in Albuquerque, and I am back in L.A. for about, I was here for, I'm here for five, six days. Every time I say six days, I think of swingers when they're like, you got it, you know, when they're talking about and they're like, you know what, you know, you got to wait.

You can't, you can't call the girl in the next day because then you seem too eager. You got to wait two days. But then two days became kind of the thing. And then you're not gonna wait three days because it's not two days. And then they're like, well, so how long do you wait? And then they all say together, they say, six days. Unnecessary. Dude, when I used to fucking get chicks numbers, when I used to fucking, I used to text them right

there looking at them in their fucking eyes, dude. You got to be gangster. And then you go like this and you look at them and you say, your move. Anyway, dude, check these out, bro. We got the no dent slides. Are these all sold out anyway? They might be sold out. But look at this shit.

Dents? No. No fucking dents, dude. That's how we're doing it here all summer, so I'm putting them back in the box, dude, you know, I'm happy to be home, man, it's amazing how much happier I get when I'm home, no, they're not sold out, okay, cool, and I'm chilling, and I'm chilling, my babies. So here's the deal. Let's talk about some stuff.

I don't know. I love that you listen, man. I make friends. I make friends on set, dude. That's what it is. There's like 10 of us on set doing this movie, and I make friends, and that's it. And that's that, dude.

You got to make friends where you go, right? You got to make friends where you go, and I make friends where I go. Now, do I always make friends with the most foreign person in the vicinity yes do i do that my whole life yes why do i do that i don't know do i like people who seem different yes was my mom always upset about it when i was growing up in high school because she could never be friends with those people's moms because they only spoke russian yes but did that stop me from being friends with itis matt and matt itis mattis and morgan doizaki and another guy named i think robert i forget no it didn't um so i fucking you know i think itis is a doctor now, by the way.

So, yeah. So I fucking made friends with this really famous guy in Germany. His name is Matthias Schlossenberger or some shit. Never really asked him his last name. I'm not going to do it, though, dude. Why do I need to know somebody's last name if I fucking stare at him every day? I'll just call him Matthias. Dude, he's the nicest, man. I love this guy.

He looks 14 and he's 38. And he's in the movie. And he said, literally the cutest thing to me that I've ever heard in my entire life. In the fucking world. In my entire life. I'm 39. Never heard something cuter. He said, Chris, I would love...

My English, I cannot... Wait, what did he say perfectly? I want to say it. I want to say it right. He said, my English is not that good. So when you tell jokes, I want to joke back with you. But sometimes it takes a little bit of thinking. So I don't know how to say what I want to say.

So hopefully in two, one or two years, my English will be much better, and I will be able to joke with you. I will be able to joke with you then. The most German shit ever. And it was cute. And that was when I fell in love with a dude. Hopefully in two years, I will be able to learn more English and then joke with you.

He's the nicest man. He's my new best friend. Schuss Schweighofer That's what it is There you go Schweighofer So yeah Oh and also

He said We were out of place Eating food A bunch of us And he was like And he was like He said He was looking at the sandwich and he said uh what is what is litucci and i said uh-huh dude he said litucci what is litucci and i said do you mean

lettuce uh stanley latucci you know dude i love the guy man he's my friend there's nothing you can do about it um latucci dude loved it and he said but it should be latucci and i was like you know what bro loved it and he said but it should be latucci and i was like you know what bro you're right you're right so that's what it is it's latucci from now on dude i'd like a fucking turkey sandwich with some mayonnaise onion and some cheese and some latucci and some whole grain bread um so anyway dude um he's great yeah but he's so famous in Germany and it's crazy. So it's like now we're friends. We got the most famous person in Germany and the most famous person in America chilling.

You know what I mean? Him and me. So, yeah, I'm fucking having a good time, though. It's a million fucking degrees out there, but it's all good. Million fucking degrees out there. And my schedule is this shit, dude. Every day I work, but also, guess what I do that I've never done before unless I've had a fucking 102-degree fever?

I fall asleep before midnight. Never fall asleep before midnight unless I have a 104-degree fever or it's 104 degrees in Albuquerque, and I do that, and I go to bed now early. And it's good for my body. And that's it. And I wake up refreshed as shit, dude. Sometimes I wake up and wash my hair.

And then I let it air dry on the way to set, put stuff in it, and it's on. But yeah, so I get good sleep, dude. I get good sleep. You know what fucking is so actually annoying to me is when people brag about how little sleep they get. Hey, dude, I don't give a fuck. Also, you're going to die. It gets to a certain point where you don't just you just can't catch up on your sleep.

And then your body, when it's like 60, is like, oh, I guess I'll just die instead then, dude. Hey, you won't let us sleep? Then I'll just pass away for you. We'll catch up then. And how about when people are like, I'll sleep when I'm dead. Now you'll die when you're dead. That's so dumb, dude. You sleep now, dude dude you need to sleep by the way it

is bullshit that we can't um sleep like that we have to sleep like at least me fucking 10 hours we should we should get rid of that shit we should figure out how to function without sleeping and it's so annoying people like i only need four hours dude that's all i really need no you don't no you don't no you don't that's why you're an asshole a lot when people are like team no sleep gotta work keep on working i don't sleep dude sleep hey man sleep you need to sleep once sleeping, really, I never got sick ever, ever again. Sickness was like, okay, done. I'll go. We're good.

We're good with your body. Once I started fucking sleeping well and eating healthy, like Latucci and stuff like that, sicknesses, the antibodies were like, we don't have to work overtime what's an antibody do i know no so um yeah you gotta do it you gotta fucking sleep not team no sleep team sleep i'm on team sleep um so yeah team sleep with stanley latucci Team Sleep. So, yeah. Team Sleep with Stanley Latucci. Oh, fuck, man. I love it, man.

People are always trying to brag about shit. How about when people try to brag about shit that isn't worth bragging about? Just like, yeah, bro. I only got fucking three hours of sleep every night. I probably got like fucking 12 hours of sleep the whole week, man. Just got to fucking burn in the candle at both ends. Fucking wincing down that midnight oil. Oh, yeah? Dude, go to sleep, man.

That doesn't impress me, man, that doesn't impress me, chicks do it a lot too, because they want to like feel equal, you know, they'll be like, I don't sleep either, just like a guy, ugh, ugh, you know chicks that like have nothing to do, but they fucking act like their day's all busy that's hilarious to me like i was just been i've been fucking going crazy oh yeah what'd you do yoga then boxing then chilled a little bit had to catch up with my fucking team no sleep i barely got any sleep last night really why oh because i had to get up and fucking um i'm equal uh i had to get up and be all busy all day being equal you know how hard it is being equal um yeah man i fucking was talking about riley reed the last podcast that shit got some traction you know it's funny dude people i saw somebody they posted a clip on youtube about me talking about

it and someone's like okay you don't remember her name sure bro it's so funny how you like, dude, I don't I don't really I'm not trying to like I said this last time. I'm not trying to seem better than porn. I fucking watch porn sometimes, you know, I don't I don't watch it. Maybe watch porn once. Honestly, once. I don't know, every three weeks. And otherwise, I use my head because it's I could do anything in there you know but people are like uh

I don't remember like dude hey how about this? You're a virgin. You know what I mean? I'm not, like, dude. And then in the middle of it, I was like, oh, yeah, I remember the name. I forget fucking Heath Ledger's name, you know? Like, nobody's like, oh, you're not a fan of Joker? Dude, I don't have anything to prove to you motherfuckers, man, I don't give a shit, okay, so there's so many people in the comments on the YouTube thing, like, okay, yeah, oh, he's trying to pretend like he doesn't, no, I don't give a fuck, man,

I don't care, if I'm squirting, I'm squirting, why I gotta lie, I made this whole podcast so i don't have to lie and you're showing how much of a fucking dork you are by like no i don't i don't know you know i don't know she might be the only porn star uh that i i know or i know some other ones and i can't remember their names and that's that old ones i know janine linda mueller she was the best man and then my family kind of moved near her and and and i saw her a few times like just with my eyes i was like that's her and that's it when she was married to some fucking biker guy or some shit of course um yeah dude but it's so funny when like guys when like dorks are trying to get you with like okay yeah we don't believe you you know the name don't act like you don't it's like yo

you're just showing how much of a fucking dork you are like not everybody is a big fucking open the door dork like you i got in a fake argument in my head in my head today to another one with uh in starbucks where i think i i called somebody some something god this is gonna be a bad story because i don't even remember the premise of it I called somebody some something. God, this is going to be a bad story because I don't even remember the premise of it. So it's all good. But I remember thinking that I called someone a name and someone was like, that hurt my feelings. And then in my head, it got all out of control on Twitter.

And people were like, Crystalia called this person, whatever, say it's a dork or whatever. And that's not cool. And I was like, and in my head, I was like, just be a dork. Who gives a fuck? It's fine. Own that shit, dude. You know, people are so upset in my head. Own it, people in my head.

Maybe in two years, I will be able to joke with you. It's cute. It's cute. So cute, dude. Team no sleep, man. Team dead. Yeah. So I got to go back to albuquerque um dude i was talking to my friend and uh he said that his buddy used to this is an insane thing to me this is so insane so i in my whole life i've never in my whole life had had sex with a stranger unprotected ever in my life ever i've always used a condom

first time having sex with somebody and um i like if you do that if you have sex without a condom the first time you meet somebody what's going on do you understand hey hey if you have sex with somebody who has a random pussy and you don't use a condom, hey, what's going on? You have to wrap it up, dude. You just have to, dude. Because of, do you know why? And people are like, herpes, AIDS. You're not going to get AIDS if you're just plucking. You know what I mean?

Unless you're like deep down in like Columbia or some shit and you're just like walking around the forest and you see somebody in it and then you fuck them. Then maybe you might get hit, you know? But, like, you're not just, if you're just chilling out in Wisconsin, or Wisconsin, as T-Pain would say it, and you just, like, meet somebody and then pluck them, you're not going to get AIDS, you know? But, like, and also the other thing is, too, like, I got checked, like, for the first time in a long time. This was a bit ago. I mean, you know, one of the times I got checked like for the first time in a long time. This was a bit ago. I mean, you know, one of the times I got checked and I didn't have anything. And it had been like years since I got checked and I didn't have anything. And I was like, what?

Run it again. And I didn't have anything. And I was like, wow, condoms work, dude. Do you know why they work? Because I use them and I'm clean. Ba-da-ba-ba-ya, I'm loving it. Ba-da-ba-ba-ya, ba-da-ba-ba-ya-da-la-da-da-da-da, I'm loving it. Rao.

Ba-da-ya-ba-ya. So, um, ba-da-lee-ya-da-da-da-da-let, I'm loving it. So, so yeah I got no fucking things so uh so yeah but people are like yeah you don't want to get fucking a disease dude fuck that how about I don't want a random toddler

I don't want a random toddler? I don't want a kid, dude. That's the worst STD to get. You know what the worst STD is to get? Charlie. Or Samantha. Fuck that. I'd rather have an STD on my junk than one walking around my nice house. Shitting everywhere.

I don't want to have to change an STD's diaper. I'm not talking about if you're going to have kids and you love them and you love a person and you want to have a family. Cool. But dude. You just plucking and and busting oh man you know it's just crazy it's just crazy because and oh and so i was talking my buddy and he said his buddy does it dude this is so insane man and he would just meet a girl and he would have sex with her. And then he would – if he fucked up and if he like – to make sure that like she would like not have the kid or not want to be with him, he would – after he had sex with her, when he was leaving, he'd hey can i borrow twenty dollars oh that's actually genius but also hey dude just don't bust in her can i borrow twenty dollars imagine thinking like oh

feels too good i gotta do the twenty dollars thing afterwards oh dude you suck as a human. That's amazing, but also probably works. Cab bar $20, I got to get a cab. That's amazing to me. We got a new sign here. I don't know how long we're going to leave it up, but if you're looking at the video podcast, you can see this really sweet girl made this for me.

Where was I? In Atlantic City, she gave it to me. It's string art. It's like a bunch of string together, which it looks nice. It says congratulations, And it's got the fucking sign on fire. It's very cool, man. I really like it. And I met her and her mom and her and her mom were so sweet and I like them. And they made that for me. And now it's on the

podcast because she said she's a big fan of the podcast. And so her artwork uh is on the wall i don't know if we'll keep it just for this episode or maybe have it in one or two episodes up or whatever we like i always think like we should change the artwork but then i never fucking change the artwork and shit i put this up i got to know dense shit you know but yeah she was a sweetheart and her mom was a sweetheart too sweethearts make sweet hearts sweethearts mothers become daughters daughters become the don mayor songothers become daughters Daughters become John Mayer song Mothers become daughters And daughters become mothers

And then the mothers grow up And the grandmothers And then they die But then the mothers Mother Yeah so I'll do some ads now You know

Yeah So I'll do some ads now, you know. So, and then you can say, can I borrow $20 after sex? Up it if you really don't want that girl to keep that baby. Hey, can I borrow $250? Do you mind if I borrow 5K? You know what really bummed me out? I was thinking about this this past week. Like I was thinking about high school. I was thinking about all school, not just high school.

I was thinking about my elementary school. I was thinking about high school. I was thinking about all the things that I've done in my life. And I was thinking about all school, not just high school. I was thinking about my elementary school. I was thinking about high school. I was thinking about all the things that I've done in my life. And I was thinking about them fondly. I was thinking about mostly how it was fun. And then I thought about how did I feel, though, when it was happening? And a lot of the time, I felt not happy. I felt like in high school school it's a very awkward time you know or you're growing up you're like oh i wasn't i wasn't you know i didn't i didn't feel comfortable you didn't feel whatever it was you felt out of place and uh and i thought well that's interesting that now i look back on that fondly and it makes me happy to think about that time when in actuality it wasn't necessarily the happiest of times, right?

So I thought about how retrospect kind of like candy coats everything. And then I was thinking about all the things in my life that I want to do. And I was getting excited for them. That I want to do. And I was getting excited for them. You know, whatever it is. Having a family. Doing my next Netflix special. You know.

Whatever it is. Lunch even. Tomorrow. Oh, I get to have lunch tomorrow at that place I like. Or I'm going to Las Vegas in three weeks. I can't wait to fucking hang with my buddies. And try to fucking up jumpump the buggy, you know? And I was thinking about all the things I was excited about.

And then I was thinking about doing all of those things. Like think about going to Vegas with your friends. Think about getting to do that. Think about if next week you and your buddies got to go to Las Vegas without your wife, without your girlfriends, or if you don't have one, it doesn't matter. Maybe you're going to go plucking and upjump the boogie with your friends. Okay? You'd be so fucking excited, wouldn't you?

You'd be so excited to just go let off some steam. Now, what we know is if you're over 30, it wouldn't be as good as you made it out what you thought it was going to be because that's what happens. You go, fuck yeah, let's do this, and you go, and you get to the fucking club in Vegas or whatever it is, and you're like, oh, it's okay. Or you go to the strip club, and you're like, oh, I thought maybe I was going to fucking meet a chick,

and maybe I was going to start dating a stripper, and it didn't happen. You let your fantasy go run wild, but that's what keeps you going. Help. Help. My point is, is it's never as good as you think it's going to be. And retrospect candy coats everything. So that means the worst time is now. That sucks. Dude, if, if looking back on things that weren't necessarily good, make it better. And if you're excited for something, that's not going to be as exciting as you think it is, then the worst time is now.

And that's all you ever have. Now. We're fucked. See ya. All good. We're fucked. Let's all live in it together. It sucks the most now.

It sucks the most now it sucks the most now I can't stop it I can't even stop it I'm pissed yes I always want the fucking thing to be a kill switch and it's not yes I always want to fucking start

something when I hit the key and then have it be a kill switch fuck yes and it never is yes it just starts to fall over the fucking song over again yes be much funnier to cut it out but one fire doesn't set it up that way and I always tell him to fucking yes

ah ah ah ah boy yes yes um yeah so that's it that was the profound thought i had today at least you get to look forward to things that won't be that good you know what i'm talking about but sometimes this shit surprise you right when the shit pops off when you really do up jump the boogie right but it's never when you expect it though remember those times you were just driving around in the valley with your old roommate and shit and you were like yeah whatever and then something

happened uh like a you know like some cool shit happened. And you were just like, whoa, fuck yeah, dude. I didn't know that that was going to be awesome. And then it happened. And it's all good. Actually, that guy, I remember my old roommate, my old roommate and his buddy,

who I'm still friends with, now his buddy is one of my fucking really, really good friends. You know how that always happens? You're like, you think you have a friend, and then you meet their friend, and then you guys get closer, and you're like, oh, that's the real friend. Anyway, so I met that guy, and we still keep in touch. Yeah, I still keep in touch with the other guy too, but I used to

do this thing with like waiters and shit or anytime someone would give you something like if you were like at a fucking mail place and they were to you were to mail something and they give you a receipt or whatever i used to i used to do this thing for me this is how fucking dorky i am instead of saying thanks man i'd say i'd say i'd say i'd say x-men but I would do it and they would never catch on. Because there's two things that were going to happen. They're either not going to hear it because they're so ready to hear thanks, man. So I say X-Men. And they think or so they either just hear thanks, man, or they hear me say X-Men and they think, well, he obviously didn't say X-Men.

I misheard it. So I'll just let it go. So we were at this restaurant, House of Pies in on in fucking Hollywood, you know, and I was telling my buddies about this how i say x-men sometimes and it's funny for me and he was like really and i said yeah i say guys come by and drop the food off i say oh x-men and they say no problem because i'm fucking obviously not in their head saying x-men but so my buddy mitchell is like oh all right, I'm going to try it. And I was like, all right,

cool. And I was like, but listen, you can't say fucking X-Men like it's thanks, man. Like you can't be like, thanks, man.

Like that's bullshit. You got to fucking say X-Men. You don't have to be like X-Men, but you got to be like, X-Men. You gotta be like X-Men. So the waiter drops the food off and my buddy says, X-Men. So the waiter drops the food off, and my buddy says, X-Men. And the waiter says, did you say X-Men?

bro i don't know if there's ever been anything funnier that's happened like i have been doing it for years nobody's ever and he just goes x-men and the waiter says, did you say X-Men? Oh, for fuck's sake, man. And he was like, oh, no, I don't know. Imagine just saying X-Men to nobody. You'd be like, what? As far as the fucking music. It's also even better because like the x-men

movies weren't even like popping yet like it was just like a thing that dorks would know about it wasn't like marvel was so big he's just fucking x-men for no reason when he gets a fucking waffle oh fuck dude i love shit like that man i love shit like that oh man. I love shit like that. Oh, fuck. I had my hands in my cock with my fucking knees together rolling around on that fucking pleather booth. Okay. Oh, fuck. Yeah, so that's what's up. Do you know? That's what's up.

Did you... Dude, X-Men. Try that with your friends. Try that with your friends, dude. Did you... Have you guys seen the Fortnite competition? The guy won $3 million. That's cool.

I don't even think about that. When somebody tells me something like that, it goes out of my brain, and then I do whatever I do. But I wrote it down because I was like, maybe I should talk about it, but... I don't know, man. Video games, right?

Video games are surprisingly fun to watch, though. I don't know, man. Video games, right? Video games are surprisingly fun to watch, though. I don't know why. I used to have a... My buddy, my friend used to say nothing's more boring than watching someone play video games, and I totally disagree with him. Some guy won Fortnite competition and made $3 million,

and he's like 20. 16. He's 16 years old. And there was a guy that was 24 that was repping for the old. He was like, I'm repping for the old, guys. And he's 24. Bro, Fortnite World Cup was a kid's paradise, it says here. This kid won $3 million.

Wow. Fortnite player Kyle Bugge-Gersdorf won the World Cup solo finals. World Cup. The 16-year-old North American East player finished with 59 points and takes home a prize of $3 million. Cool. The second place finisher won 1.8 million dollars.

Damn. These guys' names, you know. Buga, Psalm, Epic Whale, Creo. Damn, dude. Even the 10th place winner won Epic Whale, Creo. Damn, dude. Even the 10th place winner won $225,000. Whatever.

Fats, you know? Nate is the worst one with a Y in it. You fucking, what are you, a rapper in the 90s? Nate won fucking half a million. DJ Quick won three. And then fucking Redman and Keith Murray. Remember Keith Murray, dude? That guy, I loved Keith Murray because everyone else was like making names and he was just like, I'm just going to be my name.

DJ Quick, Q-U-I-K. And all that shit. And Keith Murray was like, all good. I'll just be the guy I am. Love Keith Murray. Love all of them. Rap is the only – you know what I think hurts rap? Rap is the only genre of music where there's old school.

Why do you label it that? You know what I mean? If you didn't label it that, then the guys who were old school would still be, could still be relevant. But the second you say they're old school, it makes them not relevant anymore. Like, I'm sorry, but Eric Sermon fucking rips. A lot of you young guys don't know what the fuck that is.

Like, if you play Fortnite, you probably don't know who Eric Sermon is, but he rips. Like, I guess Jay-Z would be old school, but he's still kind of, he still makes music that fucking kind of rips, I guess Jay-Z would be old school, but he's still kind of... He still makes music that fucking kind of rips, I guess. Jump out like, yeah, who the fuck you with? Jumped out like, yeah, who the fuck you with? Yeah, so...

I don't know if – yeah, video game. I guess they're going to start building stadiums for video games, which is wild. Think about like the actual people in the stadium watching the Fortnite World Cup, I would argue there's never been a more, a bigger group of unathletic people in a stadium than in that moment. These guys just like, well, you know, I think Fats, honestly, you know, I mean, he's number 10, but, you know, he could move up a few seeds.

Fats is looking good nate is looking good um you know honestly i i get booga could take it away but you know it's like 1.8 million for second place that's not too shabby like you know that's the thing like oh you know if i played video games and someone was like oh shit you're a dork i'd be like you goddamn right i am you are goddamn right i am name calling is the shit somebody wrote me on uh instagram about my tattoo and he was like your tattoo sucks this and that or i don't, you know, I remember exactly what he said. He said, you don't get it on your hand, the first tattoo, you're trying too hard.

And I was like, oh yeah, he was like, that's, I guess you're trying to keep 16 year old girls liking you or something. And I was like, why are you so concerned? You know, I had to do a fucking clap back. I had to fucking send him to Denny's it's all good but he fucking ordered you know he sat down at Denny's so I had to grand slam him and I said why are you so concerned with 16 year old girls you fucking pedophile I said also you're fat because I looked at his profile and he was fucking hefty and he said oh so you're just call? Bro, you don't get to do that, man.

You walked in this Denny's. This is what we serve. You don't, you don't do. I can't help it. You want it to fucking. I can't help it you want it to fucking... I can't help it that you can't go back in time and erase the beginnings of the... But you can't, dude. Are you...

Do you have a phone booth that goes back in time? That sprays purple and green mist? If you do, then go ahead and try to delete the... But you can't because those don't exist yet. So why is your nose facing my nose? Wow, what am I ever talking

about? You know how sometimes people are like, you know how people are like, there's something that, there's something, it's called something where you feel like you're a fraud in your career. Yes, imposter syndrome. I just found out what imposter syndrome is. Imposter syndrome. I just found out what imposter syndrome is and I was talking about it and then I looked it up and it's whenever – it's when you feel – you're bringing it up. It's when you feel like you're an imposter even though you're really doing what you're doing. you're really doing what you're doing. Imposter syndrome is also known as a psychological pattern

in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. And I was... Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced they're frauds. And it was like how like almost everybody has it.

And I was like, I never felt that way. And I thought, oh, am I a sociopath? Like, dude, if someone were to be like, I don't get it. I'm a sociopath? Am I a sociopath? Yeah, I don't know some of it seems like normal shit like fear of failure

I guess being a comedian is fucking different though you subject yourself to so much fucking hate and like possible like scrutiny because you're just standing in front of you know like the other night i had to follow leslie jones who literally i mean nobody kills harder than her you know she's in ghostbusters and shit and she's on snl and i was like fuck

i gotta follow leslie tonight and i looked and I walked in and she, she was doing like 35. She runs the light all the time. And I was like, okay, the more someone does time, the harder it is. You know, if you do 15 minutes, it's fine. But she did 35 minutes. And I was like, dude, this is so, so annoying how long she's doing. And, and I was like, well, I'm still going to go up, you know? And I was like, fuck it.

I'm just going to eat shit. Who gives a fuck? Who cares? Because I've eaten shit before. And I peeked my head in while she was on stage. And she was screaming in the face of someone in the front row. And she was saying, do you have cocaine? And everyone was, they weren't even laughing.

They were howling. It was like a sermon. And I was like, oh, gonna eat shit when I go up there. And she got off stage and I went up stage and I killed.

I didn't eat shit. But like, you know, I don't know where I was going. I wasn't trying to brag for sure. My point was something else else i guess being a comedian yeah you just don't give a fuck you have to not give a fuck because if i were to go up on stage after her and you could sense that i give a fuck then you wouldn't laugh because i always say that

like when a comedian bombs a comedian doesn't truly bomb this is what i have always said since i've done stand-up a comedian doesn't truly bomb unless the unless the comedian cares that he's bombing if a comedian doesn't care that he's bombing it he's not bombing because the audience can smell that and they're like i fucking he knows it's funny, but he's just having a rough night. Who cares? But the second the comedian does a fucking nervous laugh or a swallow or like, I don't know. I guess I thought that was funny. Then you're bombing, dude.

You're out in the middle of the ocean. You know? But if you don't care, it doesn't matter. But if you don't care, it doesn't matter. Anyway, get your fucking no-dents slides. These are the shit, dude. They really are. Or if you have dents, you can just get one and hop around on the left foot. You want to do some questions or you want to do some,

what do you call it? Also, do we have misconnections or no? We should do next time we're in Albuquerque, we should do Albuquerque misconnections. Have you ever done that? We have? Oh, we did. Okay, cool. I don't remember anything. That's great. Cool. Cool, cool. I'm going to have a dementia when I get older. Oh, that's cool. Oh, I should do more Sudokus. Oh, cool. That's what they say. Helps it. My asshole,

you know. Frank at washed Frank K. Possible change it, although maybe there's meaning behind it. At Chris Lee, hey Chris, why are your forearms so smooth? Yeah, you know what? Sometimes people ask me if I shave my forearms. I've never shaved my forearms in my life. I've never had electrolysis. I just fucking, I just look fucking good, dude. My forearms are just smooth as shit, man. I have hair, little hairs on there, you know, it's on there. You know, I guess, I guess I'm lucky because you can see the striations down in my fucking muscles. You'd be like, oh, that guy obviously uses kettlebells. Like what the fuck? Because,

you know, I don't know. But they're goddamn smooth, man. I'm living it up while I still can, man, because maybe when I'm 60, I'll start getting hairy or some shit. Yeah, I don't know. I have smooth skin. I have real smooth skin for real. Like, when people touch my back, they're like, what's going on, dude? Besides the fact that they're like, oh, this is obviously where they shot Lord of the Rings because it's so mountainous.

They go, oh, but why is it so smooth? And I go, that's when I look at them and I say, anointed one? And they go, yeah, maybe. But yeah, you know. So yeah, I'm smooth as fuck. My hands, bro, if you were to hold my hand like we were at a park, you'd go, huh? Is that butter? All right, next question.

I'm just smooth as fuck, bro. Washed Frank. Hey, at Crystalia, how would you fight someone if they had called you that? Oh, wait. Oh, imagine this is a meme. Imagine living in the 70s and having to fight another man because he called you a jive turkey. Jive turkey. Hey.

Hey, Crystalia, how would you fight someone if they had to call you that? We know how you like coming up with fake fight scenarios. Oh, yeah, I do do that, huh? Hmm. Oh yeah, I do do that, huh? Hmm. I'd probably just carry it around and fucking whip or a gun or a fucking, or a poison

and try to shove it in their mouth. I don't know, I don't care, you know? Who cares if someone calls me a name? It doesn't matter to me. You know what I mean? That's the whole thing, what I'm going back to on the, you own it you know how bitch is it to try and catch a fly with your

hand it's actually literally i mean sometimes it's you know how we say in this podcast it's all the circumsperal circle that could literally be the least bitch thing you could do if you do it like if you're just chilling in a sky and a flag goes, bam, and you catch it, that's not bitch. But if you're like bitch about it, it could be bitch. Yeah, that's not really that bitch. Like getting into a car. What was the guy who said getting out of the car backwards or something? That was so big.

Getting a what was it? Yeah, getting out of the backseat of a two seater. Oh, yeah, that's so bitch. Like there's no way to do that cool. Even if you have sunglasses on. That's funny. Is there another one? Or no?

Whatever. At least my back hurts. And stop giving me advice about it. When I say stuff like say stuff like, oh, my back hurts on the podcast, I get like fucking nine DMs a day where it's like, well, if you're really fucking, why don't you just, yeah. No, you know? Are you a fan of mine? Then you know I'm not going to listen to you.

Let my back hurt so I can just chill. You know? It is, it is, it is, I'm looking at, um, I'm looking at fucking my email right now because I'm being respectful on you motherfuckers.

And guess what? I got an offer to do, um, uh, casino here. Wow. That's pretty good. What is bad to do? So uncouth, um, wow that's pretty good what?

it's bad to do? uncouth? where is it? near San Francisco? when is it? oh it's in April okay cool yeah that's way too far sure why not look how I do it to my agent

sure why not in all caps and then i'm gonna write i'm the fucking shit baby i'm the fucking shit baby there what i that's what i did sent it to my agents look to prove it that's how we do it dude you gotta give a fuck less in your life oh they just responded they don't want me um yeah dude fuck yeah man life's good baby life's as good as you make it so make it good good. I'm going to be the mayor. I like Buttigieg. Is that how you say it? That guy just seems really like, you know, I don't know.

I'm not political. It's just like, how about the lady that's like a hippie? She's just like, they're like, how do you think we could beat Donald Trump? And she's like, love and cookies. Who's that lady? You don't even know who I'm talking about? The one with the beaker on the side of her mouth? I call it a beaker, man.

Did I talk about this on the podcast? I would call beauty marks beakers when I was a kid. My mom, I did it like it was a word that existed. Madonna, it was probably how, or Cindy Crawford. She'd be like, she's beautiful. I'm like, yeah, but I don't like her beaker. And my mom's like, what the fuck are you talking about? What's a beaker?

And I was like, the thing on the side of her mouth. And she's like, that's a beauty mark. And I just called it a beaker. And I think that that's what it, I thought that's what it should have been called. And I just said it like that's what it should have been called. And so I call them beakers. That's what it should be called.

Yeah. What's her name? Marianne Williamson? Yeah. I always like the candidates that are running that are just obviously not going to fucking make it. Just give up. I guess it's like... Remember when that guy used to run for the independent... What was his name?

Moskowitz. No. Yeah, him. Nader. Yeah, Nader, dude. That guy would fuck everything up. Like, just, dude, stop, bro. Like, no, but it's good for the party.

Ah. Also, what an annoying last name. Nader. Nader. Nader sounds like some fucking shit that would be around in the 90s like that.

I don't know what I'm saying. It doesn't matter. Who cares? But he fucked shit up. Pete Buttigieg. He's just like succinct and cool and like no bullshit i here's one of the reasons why i i want him to be the nominee because i think him arguing with trump would be the funniest

i think he would have so many fucking slams. And obviously Trump has so many slams just because he will literally call somebody like duty head. But like he would just, I think that's the guy to scare, that would scare Trump out of all the guys. Because it's just, he's so young. He's gay. You know, Trump would probably be probably be like oh i don't want to say i mean even though he does doesn't give a fuck what he says he would he would be like i can't make fun of gay you know like there's just it just feels like a landmine for trump budaj so i want him to be the guy now so far. But I don't know if he'd win. It'd be cool to have a gay president. It would be fucking awesome to have a gay president.

I don't know if America would be ready to vote for one. Like, I don't know. There's so many fucking prejudiced people out there. But I didn't think Obama was going to get it, and he did. And that surprised me, and that was really cool. But, yeah. was going to get it and he did and that surprised me and that was really cool um but yeah dude if we had a gay president that would be the shit just principle of it you know um oh wow trump calls pete butaj alfred e newman that's kind of funny actually that's the thing about trump man i mean he's funny you know he is funny like you can hate him all you want but he's funny and that's that's almost like sucks because it's like that's people like him because of that. Anyway, I guess that's good. We can finish up and you can download the Chris D'Elia app and you see the podcast before anyone else.

Support the show by buying merch at store.chrisd'elia.com or you can just go to chrisd'elia.com and follow the links there. You can get these slides over there. The no dents and the futures too bright shirt which is a illest fucking go to miami and wear that uh subscribe to the youtube channel and uh and uh tweet me and stuff maybe i'll answer your question if uh if i want to i only do what i want though so it's all good um fucking this week everyone should just do more what they want you know even if it's gonna upset somebody just do more what you want man that's what my thing

is do it it's better that way man when somebody fucking does something that they want in front of me I get so happy fuck fuck these things, man. When you're in a relationship and chicks are like, yeah, I want you to go to the thing. And you're like, I don't want to, dude. And they're like, I would want to go to your thing.

And you're like, yeah, my shit's fun. That's so annoying. Don't go. Don't come, man. I don't want anybody to come if they don't want to fucking come. Don't come to my show. You know how some comedians are like, yeah, come to my show. Maybe when you're coming up, they're like, yeah, you fucking hand it out.

Don't come if you don't want to come. Anyway, I got a meeting with Stanley Latucci so I have to go I'll talk to you guys later you guys are the man you guys are the woman you guys are the shit bye-bye Outro Music