Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 134. Lownd and Clear

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about being on the H3 podcast, using the women's restroom, public bathroom etiquette, Area 51, Naruto running, Lance Bass, World Hot Dog Day, new Apple emojis, and puking fails. Plus we answer some questions from Twitter. (note: this episode was recorded about a month prior) Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy and i'm on my app i'm live on my app so people can see this shit before we even start um and uh i asked if people on the app can see me. Or can hear me. Because I wanted to make sure it was working. And somebody wrote down on my app.

Lound and clear. So we're good. Lound and clear. We are good. So look you guys. It's on babies. You know what I'm saying um i'm having a i'm having a good time in life and and you know does my back hurt yes is it all good did i bite my tongue yes so does my fucking face hurt and my back hurt yes but am i trucking through life yes because that's what you

do i mean you know if somebody were to come up to ask me on the street, hey, dude, even though this has happened in my life and these are the negative things, do I still have to truck through life? I'd be like, yes. That's what I would do. So that's what's up, man. And we're already fucking a minute and a half into this podcast. Can you believe it? Can you honestly believe it? A minute and a half into this podcast. Can you believe it? Can you honestly believe it?

A minute and a half in and it's flying by. Congratulations. That's the episode. That's the episode, shits. I did a few things recently. I did H3 podcast. Didn't talk about that. You know, I like those guys. I really like those guys did H3 podcast. Didn't talk about that. I like those guys. I really like those guys on H3.

And I actually checked some of the comments. Didn't mean to. But I was looking at some comments and it really made me feel good, man. A lot of people online, a lot of hate and shit. But a lot of people on those comments were saying how much they liked the episode, how much they liked me as a guest. And that really makes me feel good. Also, my butthole hurts great that's cool that's cool

and it's weird that that happened after i did the h3 podcast because we always talk about using metamucil and i didn't use the metamucil and because i was staying in albuquerque and flying a lot dude how much does flying dry you out sahara eh sah, when you fly, you get so dry. And I didn't even mean to rap there, but I rapped. But when you fly, you get so dry. And you know I'm not going to drink coffee, and coffee does what? It dehydrates you. So, what happens is, when you go and do number two, instead of doing number two, it feels like a Brinks truck is coming out of you. It's all good, but it feels like a Brinks truck.

It feels like you're like, hey, am I going to the bathroom or? That's what I want to do when I'm dry, when I fly and go to Albuquerque in the desert and I'm drinking iced Americanos all the day is long. And when I go to the bathroom, I need this. Because it feels like a fucking freight train's coming out ah didn't mean to gross you out three minutes into the episode but what's real is real dude and we don't fuck around here at the congratulations podcast we certainly don't fuck around it's all real shit and i talk about what comes to my mind.

Because you can't. You can't not. You know what I'm talking about? I got to be real. I was listening to my brother's podcast, Mentally Is Confused, and is it Joe Walsh? Is that who it was? Yeah, Joe Walsh was saying he can't,

even though he's conservative but doesn't like Trump, he can't be on panels because they they tell him to not bash trump when he's doing like fox news stuff or whatever it is i don't even know if it's fucking news but like when it's very conservative panels and he's and they're and and other guys like hannity will just be the yes man and be like, oh, yeah, of course I won't because this is the job. That Joe Walsh just, he's like, I don't know what to do because I can't lie about how I feel. And Joe Walsh, that's what gets you a gold medal. Did you understand that?

That's what gets you a gold medal. Because that's awesome, dude. A gold medal. Because that's awesome, dude. Because it's weird when journalists are just on a fucking agenda or what do you call it? Pundits or fucking, I don't know, these guys with the shows. Anytime a guy has a show and it begins with, you know, don't call the president. You know what I mean?

Don't be on the phone with the president if you have a show that goes like this. Well, it's just in. We're here, and this is what happened. It's an embattled outside of the... And that's my take. Hello? Hello, Mr. President. Can't talk to the president if your show goes and you know it but it's all good that's the world we live in now my babies um so uh we are fucking five minutes into this podcast and we are just flying we are just flying dude i swear it seems like three minutes and it's been five but um love those guys over on h3 had a good time told some stories um

i actually told this story and i realized i never told this on the on the on the on the podcast on this podcast but it's funny because i this was insane one time when I was, I had to go to the bathroom so bad, number two. Now, oopsie daisy, I was in public, but I don't care. Dude, you know what I do? Do you know what I do when I got to go to the bathroom in public, number two? Do you know what I do? I go bathroom in public, number two. Because that's how it is, dude. That's how it is. If toilets are around, I'm using them if I got to go. I don't, people with, oh, germs and shit like that,

that's how you get sick. And I don't use, I don't use, dude, I only use the fucking, the thing, you know what I mean? The cover, I only use that when it's necessary.

Like if there's some blood on the toilet seat or something, I wipe it off, I get a lot seat or something, I wipe it off. I get a lot of toilet paper. I wipe it off. I wipe it off so it doesn't touch my hand as well. And then I put the thing on only if there's like blood or shit or piss. But if there's nothing on there and I look at it and you know what I do?

I give it a once over. That's all I do. I give it a once over. And if it's got nothing on there, I don't use it because it's just touching my thighs, dude. If piss touches your thighs, I don't give a fuck, bro. I'm living. Oh my God, Chris, you sat on the, you sat on the, on the toilet bowl. What about getting piss and shit all over your balls? Is it on my balls or is it on my thighs? So I do it and I don't give a fuck, dude, because that's the kind of life you got to live. I'm gangster.

And if you're out there and if you're going to the bathroom, number two two and you're not using those fucking safety things, let me know. And I won't read it. But tweet it at me and I won't read it. So I don't do it. So one time. Oh, also, if the woman's room is fucking used, occupied, and the woman's is not, I'm a chick. Apparently, I've got a pussy because I'm unloading. I'm unloading in the women's room.

Dude. Hey, sir, what are you doing? It looks like you got a penis and you're going in the women's room. Well, apparently right now I'm a female. A female. I'm a female. Oh my God, are you strangling an alligator? Am I or am I taking a shit?

Bro. So I went into the thing, the ladies room, and it wasn't a single stall. And guess what, dude? You fucked up the way you made this building. Because this is still coming out. All right? So I go in the women's room and I tiptoe. Because now I'm a woman, baby. And I go in the stall. You, and I tiptoe, because now I'm a woman, baby,

and I go in the stall, you know how women always tiptoe, so I go in the stall, and I close the door, and then, and then, and then I close the door, and then, and then I'm going, right, I'm going, and it's all good, but I'm going, it wasn't an opera, but even still, I'm going and it's all good, but I'm going. It wasn't an Albuquerque, but even still, we have home with the keyboard. So I'm in there and I'm going and a lady comes in and instantly, I don't know why, maybe it's because I'm a bitch. My knees get real close to each other because I'm scared and I don't want anybody to see my balls. And I'm trying to fucking be real, real tiny so nobody could see me even though I'm still 6'2". And I'm a tall drink of water, right? And my shoulders, of course, are fucking big on one.

Like, do you want to know what the weather's like on Thursday? Because my shoulders go into next week. You know what I mean? You want to know what the fucking weather's like on next Thursday? Well, let's take a ride on my shoulders. Shoulders go on for a week, so let me know where you are and I'll tell you the forecast.

Ah. All right. So. Are those your shoulders yes and it's raining on friday anyway dude i went in there and my knees were touching together because i was scared because the lady fucking came in and she was tiptoeing because she's a lady and ladies always tiptoe. Ladies have never not tiptoed. And I'm trying to be quiet.

I'm trying not to let come out or anything like that. You know what I mean? Try not to strangle any alligators. And she's like, she says, did a guy come in here? Did anyone see it? No. She said, did anyone see a guy come in here? Did anyone see it? No, she said, did anyone see a guy come in here? And there's the sliver of the,

the way they make these stalls, dude, make them so there's no way to peek in. You know, there's always like a gap that's like fucking two inches wide. And you could just literally make eye contact with people while you're fucking dropping off. You know what I mean? So.

So she looks at me. After she said, does anyone see a guy come in here? And I go like this. I go like this. I'm like, should I make my voice like a woman? Like, should I literally go like this. I go like this. I'm like, should I make my voice like a woman? Like, should I literally go? No.

But I'm like, no, I'm not going to pass for that. Right. If it were nowadays, I would have just been like, no. And I know you hear my voice, but I identify as a woman. I would have fucking done that now. But this was a while ago. So I was like, should I go? No. And I was like, no I go? No. And I was like,

no, for fuck's sake. One time when I was a kid, I didn't want to talk to him. I was in high school. I was in eighth grade. And this kid was asking me if I wanted to hang out. And I didn't want to hang out. And he had my number because nobody had cell phones back then. And they called me. And he was like, hi. I picked up the phone. And I was like, hello. And he was like, Chris.

And I was like, fuck. He's going to ask to hang out. And I said, oh, no, this is Chris's mom, Ellie. And he was like, oh, is Chris there? And I literally said, this is the truth. I swear to God, I literally said, oh, no, he's at the opera. And he said, okay, well, tell him to call me back it's david or whoever i don't remember who it was and i said okay click and i remember thinking well he'll believe that because why the fuck would i pretend i was my mom and say chris was at the opera because what the

fuck there's no operas that go on at fucking well maybe they do i don't know but not not near la canada at 5 p.m so anyway i uh i didn't do that voice i just i said she said did anyone see a guy come in here and i said no and i as i say no i look at out the the crack of the doors and i'm making eye contact with her with one eye and I'm looking at her and I say no and she just said did anyone see a guy come in here and I say no and I'm a guy and then oh no I didn't say no I said what i said what which is even better that's how much of a bitch i was she said you don't see a guy come in here and i said what and i'm looking at her uh caught and she says uh and i and and then she says again and i swear to god this was the only time this ever happened in my entire life she said i said I said, did anyone see an iPhone in here?

I heard the wrong thing because I was scared. I'm a bitch. That was the first. That was the only time that ever happened to me. It's like that happens in movies. And you're like, okay, go fuck yourself, dude. Go fuck yourself. You know, but it really happened.

And I said, oh, no, no iPhone. And she just walked out tiptoeing like a lady. And I finished up strangling my alligator. And she just walked out tiptoeing like a lady. And I finished up strangling my alligator. And then I walked out a man. But that was what was up that day, dude. Did you know that? So it was good, man. One time my friend said he was in a foreign country with his brother,

and he was drinking with his brother, and his brother couldn't find his brother for a little bit, and he was outside, and there was a huge pile of throw-up on the ground, and he was leaning up against the wall, and my buddy said, Hey, did you just throw up? And he said, I don't know.

Uh, caught red-handed. I don't know. I don't know, dude. Not straight-up lie. No. I don't know is the best. I don't know is the best to say I don't know when you know

and you're trying to get out of not being a fucking you know in trouble or whatever you think is the best I don't know I don't know that's my favorite kind of shit

and that's final so you can fucking argue with me all day long but that's my favorite kind of shit. And that's final. So you can fucking argue with me all day long, but that's my favorite kind of shit. And that's final. Because we know what we like. We know what daddy likes. We know what fucking daddy likes. Daddy likes when guys are fucking some bitch and they try to not be some bitch.

That's the best thing. If a guy's wearing sunglasses at night and bumps into a fucking thing, that's my favorite thing. And that's the end of story, dude. That's it. Okay? That's why I like fucking Horatio Cain so much. Dude. The shortest.

The shortest one ever. And that's why we have to find the killer. So quick. Dude, what the fuck is up with Area 51? First of all, are there 50 other areas? Eh, it's a bad stand-up, dude. Hey, what's the deal with Area 51? What's the, what, like there's 50 other areas?

Just somebody in the audience. Yes. All right, well, you know, I'm just saying, are there more than that? Yes. Okay. Okay, well, anyway, what's going on in the news? That's what's going on in the news. Listen, man.

Dude, so. So, uh, I fucking, Area 51, about how there's like 2.2 million people that or however many three million people that want to storm the fucking thing they can't they can't stop us all hey dude yes they can they can't stop us dude you know how many they can of you they can stop do you know how many of you they can stop all of you dude i can't. And that is the definition of first to go. Anybody that goes, I don't care if you're a fucking well-to-do person. I don't care what race you are. I don't care how smart you are.

I don't care if you're helping the world. I don't care what you do. Barring you cure cancer if you show up to raid area 51 i don't feel bad if you get mowed down dude i mean dude are you kidding me the people at area 51 so i don't know if you know this but there's like a petition out there i was like hey we all want to raid area 51 they can't stop us all. Sign up and we're going to all go at some point, which I hope is a joke. But I don't know anymore these days.

It's this Facebook event, right? 1.5 right now. They can't stop all of us. Hosted by shit posting because I'm in shambles. Okay, get a more professional name anyway um we will all meet up at the area 51 alien center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry i have a plan before that uh if we naruto run we can move faster than their bullets okay well you can't so i think this guy started as a joke obviously but like there are people that are

for sure taking this seriously because there are too many people now people at area 51 are reading this and they're loading their weapons and they can't wait dude they can't wait bro they can't wait hey you might give me that water thanks there's they've been waiting for this dude they're just sitting there like pretending i mean if there is anything about aliens in area 51 like they're just been they've just been waiting is this real this is real naruto running okay they're not naruto running they're regular jogging with their hands behind their fucking so it's all good i mean they're regular jogging with their hands behind their fucking... It's all good. I mean, they're barely jogging. So anyway, they're waiting.

And when they start... Dude, if I was at Area 51 and they started Naruto running, first of all, where are you going to start from? You got to start from really far away because their weapons go real far because they're guns they also have fucking other things other than guns if there really are aliens there then they are checking out the alien technology they're just gonna fucking like there's gonna be one loud and people are just gonna lose their just disintegrate it's gonna be like the end of uh end avengers or whatever the fuck end game but yeah naruto run all you want, dude. Those motherfuckers are in

there. They're ready with their turrets, bro. And they'll get all of you. And they'll just fucking load them up! And it won't even last that long, and that's it. And somebody will be like, we tried Naruto Run! Oh, God! And then I will be in the front Joe.

Like, you know, I will be in the back. Like I was playing. I didn't really want to go. I just can't believe that. Also Naruto running. We're looking at Naruto running now on,

on, um, I mean dude it's so bitch to run with your hands behind your back like that I know this Japanese shit they're trying to be like this is the shit and in a way it kind of is

but it's so bitch to run like that dude wow to run just like this it's like you're trying to get away from your mommy bro that's not naruto running you're trying to get away from your mommy dude wow you know what i really want to see a fucking 50 year old naruto run with a belly imagine nar Naruto running and falling down, but taking one of those long fall downs. My favorite falling downs are when people,

here's the deal, dude. If you're going to fall down, just fucking fall, right? That's the way to do it. But if you're going to fall down and you keep trying and the momentum keeps bringing you over and you're like, oh, I almost got, I got, got, got, and it takes more than a second or two, bro, you win the bitch award.

I, one time I saw a girl in high school. We were going to lunch. First of all, don't ever run to your car unless like some fucking catastrophe is happening. I know a guy, Ian Edwards, that fucking hilarious stand up comedian who is his comedy

his comedy central special just came out like that guy walks slower than shit I can't imagine him ever I know he'll never have kids because when you have kids

you have to run you know like if a kid falls down you gotta run over and make sure they're okay he'll never have kids because he never I can't even imagine Ian running you have to run. If a kid falls down, you've got to run over and make sure they're okay. He'll never have kids because he never... I can't even imagine Ian running.

You have a friend? Imagine that friend. You'd be like, oh, he would never run. Dude, Ian Edwards would never run. For what? I would be like, yo, Ian, would you ever run? And he would be like, for what? Anyway, yeah. This chick was running to go to anyway yeah so this chick was running to go to like

lunch she was trying to like beat the fucking rush and she fell so hard and it was so fucked up because she had a lunchbox and she was like too old to have a lunchbox because she was like fucking in 9th or 10th grade and she fell and had a lunchbox and the lunchbox like opened and

the sandwich slid out you know and it was like what the fuck and she just goes ah it was like the peter griffin thing where he just keeps going and going ah oh and i felt bad but you know what i did i fucking kept walking dude you fall down you get up it's not how hard you fall it's how quickly you get up and i say that every morning dude and i also say it sometimes on my podcast i guess that girl was fucking hot actually when i was when i was a kid you know she was she was she was that secret girl that became hot all of a sudden one day was a kid you know she was she was she was that secret girl that became hot all of a sudden one day you know when you're in high school and like the popular girls are hot and you're like whoa whoa hold on a second what's up with rebecca because all of a

sudden i don't know it's like it's i don't know what that is what is that it's just all of a sudden i guess maybe puberty or maybe it's your puberty. Or it's like just the hormones. And you're like, you remember you were in fucking social studies class or math class or some shit? Or you were in fucking Spanish class with Mr. Takeme? Dude, we had a Japanese Spanish teacher. And he had all sorts of accents. And you would just be looking over at like fucking Rebecca. And you would just be looking over at fucking Rebecca,

and you'd just be like, what the fuck? Why all of a sudden is she hot? What happened? It was like the fucking second she became hot, you know? And you realize it. And here's how dumb guys are. You think, you're like, oh, I'm the only guy who realizes that now, so I could probably get her. And she's like, oh, I'm the only guy who realizes that now, so I could probably get her.

And she's like, hey, fucking asshole, I've been dealing with creepy 50-year-olds online for fucking seven years at this point. You don't get me, dude. And then she runs to lunch with a lunchbox, and she fucking falls down. And that's just life. That has nothing to do with a clapback or anything like that. You just fell because sometimes people fall, you know. And that's sad kind of. But it's not really that sad though because she's probably got a family now.

And even though she fucking fell down, now she's got kids that are fucking falling down. She's making lunch for them. They're falling down with their fucking lunchbox and shit. fucking falling down. She's making lunch for them. They're falling down with their fucking lunchbox and shit. But, you know, that girl's name was... I don't remember her name at this point.

I wonder what she looks like now. Everybody gets so fucking ugly, you know. Unless you live in LA, then you fucking rip all day long. You rip all day long for your whole life. Unless you get fucking fat, but don't get fat. And that's it. I've been looking at this old people face app that people are doing. Everybody did it.

Even I did it. I don't fucking like to do all the shit that everyone does because, you know, good as shit. But I can't believe how crazy interesting and good it looks. It's so good at it, you know. And so I looked at the – so people sent me me some of me and i did i didn't do it but i posted one and it's so funny how good everyone looks on it like actually like handsome or pretty because it's like dude it's not accounting that all of you are gonna gain 40 pounds i look like fucking logan on heroin on mine or Sam or not Sam Elliott.

Sam Elliott. Is that the guy? The dude on the dude that fucking, yeah, I look like that guy who shaved his mustache a little bit. Yeah. So that old face app is pretty wild though, but it'll go away in two fucking days.

You know, it's like every, it's like one, two days it was bam. Everybody, everybody was doing it and then gone. It sucks. Brian Callen can't do it. Right know? It's like two days. It was bam, everybody. Everybody was doing it. And then gone. It sucks Brian Callen can't do it, right? Because he's already that age.

I did it to Brian Callen and it was a fucking grave. I did it to Brian Callen and it showed me a coffin and I was like, oh, Jesus. Okay, well, all good. Drinking on your ass. Drinking water on your ass. Because, you ass, because,

you know, because, actually that's the end of the sentence, but yeah, so, we got a cameo here, I got a cameo,. I got a cameo. Somebody got this for me as a joke.

It's from Lance Bass. Let me play it. How's it going, Chris? Lance Bass here. I'd like to remind you to give your congratulations podcast sponsors a bit more love and personal endorsements. We'd hate to see those new sponsors say, bye, bye, bye. Keep the Brinks trucks filled and get that log cabin money. That's Lance Bass, you know? Cool. I like Lance Bass. So thanks for that. Did you know that there's new emojis?

Apple's new iOS will allow users to vary the skin tone of emojis with two or more people. Oh, so they're getting mixed race couples up in this bitch. One Fire sent me this link like he's trying to end my career talking about this. Just get in fucking trouble. So here are the different versions you can do. White girl with Somalian guy. I'm just looking at what that looks like. You can also just get white girl with pedophile guy,

white guy with mustache. Tan surfer dude with white chick. White chick with maybe really tan, maybe he's a Mexican guy, then just white chick with black guy, and then a blonde chick with black guy. I mean, these are all the, this is great, dude. Finally. This is great. I mean, that sucks that we had to use black with black and white with white now apple dude you can literally get an Indian girl holding hands with a fucking white chick

dude I guess we figured it out well You know, woke in the best way, dude. Emojis accept each other now? I mean, dude, I'm going to buy Apple for life. What? So many. You can get a little black girl holding hands with a little black girl. You can get a Mexican guy

holding hands with a black girl. You can get a white dude holding hands with a Somalian dude. Black dude, you get just a regular black dude with a regular black chick. you just get that going on too so that's cool also there's other new emojis there's a guy pointing to his face so that's cool because i know that was in fucking high demand i hated when i would be like when i had to text

hey guys i'm pointing to my face Now I could just send that emoji over. A banjo. So that's cool because anyone who plays a banjo for sure has an iPhone, even though they're in fucking 1912. A yawn emoji, which is actually a good one. There's a golden retriever. Okay. There's a crossing guard vest and that's it and that's really important because what the fuck would you need a crossing guard vest emoji for there's an uh gorilla like a hardcore gorilla just sitting down

um a robot a robot arm kind of flexing kind of in a way. Then there's an, like, I guess that would be a, what is that? Like Hindi garb? I don't know what that is. Whatever it is.

I'm racist. Probably. Then there's a sloth. Cool. Then there's a black chick holding hands with black chick. That's probably just to show the other emojis. And then there's butter. Fala.

Is that, What is that? Falafel balls or what the fuck? What? Yeah, falafel balls for all you Greek motherfuckers. Oh, a blind chick. That's cool because blind people don't even know what the fuck they're texting. So, okay. A skunk, an ice cube.

That's cool for me when I'm talking about my jewelry on text. There's a parachuting guy. A one-piece bathing suit. A garlic clove. A flamingo. Flamingo. Flamingo. Flamingo.

Then there's a hearing aid. That's good for my dad. And then there's other ones. Robot leg. Interracial couple. And then a fucking other ones, Robot Leg, Interracial Couple, and then a fucking Eggo Waffle. Guys, I also am recording this episode. I'm trying to not talk about things that are happening too currently because I don't know when this episode is going to air because I'm kind of – maybe it will come out this week.

Maybe I'll bank it. I don't know because I'm going to be in Albuquerque. I don't know how busy I'm kind of, you know, I'm maybe going to, maybe it'll come out this week, maybe I'll bank it, I don't know, because I'm going to be in Albuquerque, I don't know how busy I'm going to be. But I got to admit something to you guys, and I meant to start off this episode with an apology because I'm recording it on World Hot Dog Day. On World Hot Dog Day. And. I apologize.

Because I know. I should be taking the day off. You know. Because it's World. Hot Dog Day. And I. But I thought. You know what.

Even though it's a national. even though it's an international uh holiday and it's very important even though it's very important important even though it's extremely important i thought i gotta give you guys what you want, even though I should take the entire day off and strictly eat hot dogs. So you're welcome or something. Or as my my brother's friend would say in middle school or saying. so i'm really sorry but i had to work on national hot dog day also channing tatum can you get the camera closer to your face on instagram videos is it in your brain and i'm going to comment right now on his thing. We're,

we're kissing because that's what's happening. If I'm that close with somebody, I'm kissing, I'm kissing. I don't know. Whatever. I mean, you know,

I still don't know why you listen to this fucking podcast. Uh, I still don't know why you listen to this fucking podcast. You know. It is what it is, right? And ain't nothing truer. Nothing truer. Nothing truer. Nothing truer. Nothing truer.

You know what it's like being a guy? I'm only 39, okay? I mean, I'm only 39, okay? I mean, I'm fucking... I challenge you to find someone younger than me because I've fucking been trying to actively find someone younger than me for... a month? And I can't find one.

And... But this is what it's like being a guy. Cleared out the garage. Cleared out the garage. cleared out the garage, cleared out my garage and can't stop thinking about it. Cleared out the garage. And I can't stop thinking about it. Dude, I woke up today, got in one of my cars. Hold on.

my cars and fucking left and couldn't stop thinking about how my other car was in my garage because it's been cleared out dude and i drove to get coffee and i was i never stopped thinking about how my garage was clear so you know what dude fuck you you're trying to put me in a bad mood today no matter what happens i won't be dude because my garage is clear and i'll tell you what dude that fucking rocks as a guy having a clear garage yo and i'm not even i'm not even 40 dude i'm the youngest guy you'll ever meet and yeah of course my shoulders they go on. You know, whatever.

Fine. It's fine. Yeah. I'm shooting the movie Army of the Dead. And they did ask about renting out space, you know, on my back to shoot some of the fucking movie. And I said, you know, I don't know. I get fucking, you know, what's they say? Everybody has a price.

I was like, I got fucking some of the Lord of the Rings shit that they shot there. And I didn't like the mess they left. You know? But, yeah. So my garage is clear. And if you're trying to put me in a bad mood world, oh, bro, hey, fuck you. My garage is clear. Okay?

And one of my cars is in there. So drink to that. Hello. Anytime I hear this clinking, ice clinking, I think, hello, Mr. Bones. It's so British to have ice in your glass and clink it. And you know what, dude? And I don't give a... Yo.

Yo. Whatever, man. I don't give a... Yo. What else should we talk about, man? Should we take some questions or should we... That's what it's like being a guy, though. Is getting your shit dialed in. Chicks too, though. So really, that's what it's like being a guy or a chick.

We got to figure that out, man. I'm a fucking idiot. Want to talk Twitter, take Twitter questions or something like that? Did you see the video about the guy I almost threw up in his mouth? I did it on the H3. We talked about it on the H3. The guy almost threw up in his mouth. Dude, when you almost throw up in your mouth.

This guy fucking threw up. I don't know. We talked about it on H3. The guy almost threw up in his mouth. Dude, when you almost throw up in your mouth, this guy fucking, I don't know. It's like a Swedish, Swedish throw up in mouth. See if I can find it. We talked about it on H3. A video. Was it Swedish even? I don't even know. Oh, here it is.

Here it is. Finnish politician vomits in his own mouth? We talked about it on H3, but we'll do it here too. Oh, that guy is so nervous, dude. Have you seen this? What are the provinces in this case? Oh, that guy is so nervous, dude. Have you seen this? Oh, there it comes. Oh. Eight seconds left. Seven seconds left.

And there it is. And he swallowed it. That's gangster. Now, I want that guy to be my father. Do you understand? If you're... First of all, he had four minutes to talk. And he was nervous the whole time and in the fucking final

five seconds his body was like you know what fuck it and it came up and he goes like a like a like someone who can naruto run like like a japanimation like and then he just goes no you're not oh hey throw up i'm in charge of my body. My mouth doesn't open if I don't say it does. And then swallows it back up. And the remaining second ticks by. That guy, hey, guy, congratulations. I'm related to you because I am, or I should say you're related to me. Thank you for that. Because you're partly in my thank you for that because you're partly in my top five heroes that's gangster

I would have opened my mouth and thrown the fuck up and I would have let it happen and I would have been like that's what you get man that's what happens you know but this guy finished politician vomits in his own mouth during an interview swallows it it, and continues talking.

Do you understand? Somebody writes true warrior under it. Wow, that's amazing. Vomit. Look at these. Top five puking fails. Let's look at these Top 5 puking fails Let's look at these I mean You don't need a graphic for it

You know It's just show the videos Top 5 puking fails Got a graphic Oh wow dude I'm going to send this to you. Oh, wow, dude. I mean, that one's hilarious.

This guy is in a parking lot, throws up, and someone walking by, an older lady walking by, just falls down because of it. Like, straight up, doesn't even fucking... I just emailed it to you. you have it you have it i mean she just falls the fuck down dude with our bags when you fall down with bags it's it that's how the girl looked in my high school that fell down she goes to run away and she's holding her fucking granddaughter's hand. Okay, now we got a little girl. Wow, I love that that was like at a fucking grocery store parking lot. Now we got a little girl in like a wizard hat and she's doing a play or something.

Oh, she's cute. Oh, and she just threw the fuck up. Like it was part of the play. How does throw up become... Oh, she's killing it. Wow. That's not... How did that come... Did they siphon that through her butthole?

How did she get that much in her? Wow, that's amazing. These guys already deserve it. I can tell. This is the number three, and these guys already deserve it. And I can tell because these guys all straight up, and these guys already deserve it, and I can tell. Because these guys all, straight up, I swear to God, are Theo Vaughn fans. You can tell.

One guy's wearing a Louisville shirt. Another guy's wearing a wife beater, and they're in a kitchen that you would be molested in 100%. And another guy, I don't even know how to describe the other guy i mean he just he looks like he would be on every fucking any small any town where they were like and we're going live to the street to see what the deal is they'd be interviewing that guy and there's a big big big big mcdonald's cup on the fucking thing don't ever get the big big big the mcdonald's cup that's too big and then it that it has to fucking get smaller so it'll fit in cup holders. If you get that drink, you're first to go. Get the fuck out of life.

Get a fucking drink that just fits in your cup holder. Don't get one that has different sizes in it. What is it, a transformer? I can't even tell. Oh, wow. Wow, he threw up on Theo Von Fan. You ever seen a fucking Theo Von Fan throw up on a Theo Von Fan? Look at that one right there.

Here's a baby, and the lady is holding it up. Oh, wow, it's going to throw up right on her face, and that's obvious. Good. She deserves it. Aw, cute mommy. Aw, cute mommy. Aw, cute baby. Aw, that's so cute, dude. I want to have a son and have him throw up on me. Now, this guy is picking up a goddamn...

I mean, why are wheels so fucking big, you know? This guy's got not only... It's one thing to take the big truck wheel and toss it over as a workout guy. You know what I mean? And throw it over or take the mallet and fucking smash it. But this guy's got a fucking whole apparatus attached to the big ass wheel that you weight train with. It says weight training, cardio, and fitness zone. Full strongman facilities.

And this guy's got the apparatus in his hand, and he's going to pick it up. And my guess is he's going to upchuck all over the whole fucking weight training facility. Okay, let's see. And he pulled it down. And it goes up again. And it goes up again. And down again.

Okay, let a little bit of throw-up out. And then just kind of fucking still. Okay, and throw- up again. And it goes up again. And down again. Okay. Let a little bit of throw up out. And then just kind of fucking still. Okay. And throw up again. And he's still going. Okay. Hey, bud. Okay.

Okay. Oh, cool. Came out his nose. Oh, he's. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well.

Wow, this guy's a monster, huh? Oh, my God, this guy, dude. Hey, bro, once you start throwing up, stop. That's my whole motto, dude. Whatever I'm doing. I mean, the guy kept going. Hey, guy, stop. Hey, all the doctors in the world, stop.

That's them. Guy throws up nine times while lifting up a fucking tractor trailer. All doctors in the world, stop. Wow. God. That's amazing. I think they put a fucking tarp down. Is that what that is? Yeah, they put a tarp down in front of him. Like this guy was the

throw-up guy. Hey, we got Tommy coming. He's a fucking throw-up guy. So put the tarp down. He's going to lift seven times. This goddamn thing that nobody should lift seven times and he's absolutely going to throw up. So put the tarp down because he always throws up. We got Tommy going, so it's all good.

Let's look at some questions. We haven't looked at questions in a long time. Do we have, actually, do we have questions? Do we even have a, yeah, it's all good. Let's look at some questions. We haven't looked at questions in a long time. Actually, do we have questions? Do we even have a... Yeah, let's do questions. Okay. I'm sorry. The best one was when the guy threw up in the parking lot and the girl fell. And that was number five.

That should have been number one. Because it's so funny that there's two families. This is so funny. She throws up. Oh, wow. God, when older women fall, it's sad as fuck, huh? All right, so what do I do? We got Twitter?

Okay, cool. Remember this whole... Remember the fucking gaming the system guy, dude? Why? Okay. First of all, don't misspell does. This guy wrote, why dose this lady? Why does this guy wrote why dose this lady why does this lady louis bandit louis bandit 666 well

any 666 change it but why does this lady have the same first name as your full name? Crystalia. Crystalia. Crystalia. K-R-Y-S-T-A-L-L-I-A. How about how her last name is Calion... Calionci. I mean, Crystalia Calionci. I mean, the sexiest goddamn name of all time. Crystalia Calionci. Is she a Bond girl?

She's a project manager? Wow. Two likes. Nice, bro. Cool. Congratulations, Pod. is she a bond girl she's a project manager wow two likes nice bro cool congratulations pot all right great next one i don't know man you know what you're asking me i don't fucking know i've become i get high and tweet okay you know And I love how the handle, that's the thing. Dude, that's so fucking, the handle is I get high and tweet one. Because they want it to be and tweet. And then so to let you know, their fucking header or whatever you would call it, their name on it, I get high and tweet. Like just fucking have it say Lisa or whatever your name is, dude. We got it. Also, just fucking have it say Lisa or whatever your name is, dude. We got it.

Also, change it. Both. I get high and tweet one. Royal fuck up. Are you the lady that fell when the guy threw up? I've become very aware of how much I complain since listening to Congratulations

Pod, an unexpected life lesson. Thank you, Senor D'Elia. Senor. much i complain since listening to congratulations pod an unexpected life life lesson thank you senor delia senor i don't i don't even get that what are you saying because i because i complain or because i make fun of people who complain or what what are you high right now you're high right now? You're high right now, dude. Stop eating so many fucking weed brownies. Yeah. Also, here's another thing about people. You know, I jokingly call myself daddy and shit. And like, you know, I call you guys babies. Don't come up to me and say and call me dad.

People think it's like, nah, I'm not dad, dude. Daddy, all right? People, dude, some guy came up to me and said, can I get a pic? And he started taking a video. And I was like, ah, fucking what are you doing, bro? And he was like, hey, I'm with my, dude, he fucking was so nervous. First of all, he's shaking. And he said, hey, what's up, Instagram? I'm with my – dude, he fucking was so nervous. First of all, he's shaking. And he said, hey, what's up, Instagram?

I'm with my grandpappy. Dude, you're a fucking mistake. I'm with my grandpappy? Oh, that was ultimate cringe. I literally – I'm on his video going like this. Oh, what? You get the real literally, I'm on his video going like this. Oh, what? You get the real deal when you come out, dude. Okay.

Here's a good one. Rob M. At Rob Matera 27. All right, cool, fine. No change in involved. Rob M. At Rob Matera 27. All right, cool.

Fine. No change in involved. Saw this woman while driving yesterday and rolled my window down to give her a drive-by. Hey. Your thoughts on this loon and what she's protesting? Okay. So she's just next to a stop sign and this big banner says, danger. And then under it, robotic equipment is being implanted into you and your kids during surgery with your informed consent. With what?

Oh, without your informed consent. Sorry, she's not holding the banner right. If you're going to go through the whole fucking trouble, hold the banner right. You got a huge banner. Get a friend. Oh, but you don't have any because you're going to go through the whole fucking trouble, hold the banner right. You got a huge banner. Get a friend. Oh, but you don't have any because you're alone. This means slavery. Oh, it gets real morbid at the end.

During surgery without your informed consent. This means slavery and torture by remote control until you die. Dude, this guy took this picture. What a shot. Also, get a better location. She's just in, you know where she is? Some neighborhood near a stop sign, dude. Where is it?

See if you can see where it is. Did he put that location? Robot equipment is not being implanted in your... Who's this fucking... Who's holding that? Who's behind this sign? Sam Tripoli? Dude, Sayreville, New Jersey.

I've played there before, I think. Wow. Man, New Jersey. Nothing's... Who's the crazier state? Florida or New Jersey? I'd have to say Florida because of how big it is. But, man, nothing's more New Jersey than Florida.

Nothing's more New Jersey than a New Jersey guy moving down to Florida and being in Florida. That's the most New Jersey you can be. It's like when I found out that a while ago, I don't know if he still does, but Johnny Depp lives in Paris. I was like, dude, that's the most Hollywood you can be. Nothing's more New Jersey than living in Florida and just

having a belly. You're like, yeah, you know, I like it because it doesn't get cold. I can't deal with the fucking cold. I can't deal with the seasons cold, you know. I can't deal with the seasons. Honestly, I've dealt with the seasons for 54 years. I can't fucking deal with it anymore. I got to come down here. I got to catch some rays.

That's it. That's it. I come out here. I eat my fucking bologna sandwiches and I smoke a cigar. And I'm going to do that. And I'll tell you what. If it shaves life off the back of my, you know, the end of my life, it doesn't matter because those are the fucking bad years anyway.

I'm talking about I'm living as best as I can from now until those years start. And that's it. And that's fucking it. What is mukbang YouTube culture? Brianna Marie Prosper at Kid Horace Pollux. Okay, change it. Have...

Ew. Chris Lee, have you talked to mukbang YouTube culture yet? Chris Pollack. Okay, change it. Ew. Chris Lee, have you talked to mukbang YouTube culture yet? Congratulations. Observe and report. One fire is saying people eat a lot of food. Mukbang? While they taught?

While they... Okay, I'm looking it up. Mukbang. Oh, it's that Korean shit where they eat like fucking squids and break fucking. Yeah, that's gross. I can't. I can't watch that shit. You know what eating is? Honestly, a fucking private thing.

Even restaurants. It's like, what the fuck are we doing? We're all getting together to fucking shove shit in our faces? It seems like it should be like sex. You don't fuck, you know, in public and shit. Eating is like, it should be like a... It's so intimate. We're inserting shit, you you know it's just gross most people unless you're

hot as fuck unless you're a nine or above you should just be eating by yourself in your house dude if you're a 10 restaurants should only be for tens for real real. Like even I think I like to consider myself, I'd like to take care of my body. If you try hard, maybe with your body and work out and you try it, mostly only people who should be eating in restaurants are hot chicks that don't use that much makeup because that's gross to eat with a bunch of makeup on. Or if you're like a top-notch fucking good-looking dude like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise. You know what I mean? I'm talking about Paul Walker.

If he was alive, rest in peace. He could be at a restaurant. Maybe Hugh Jackman. I don't really know. I haven't seen him up close. But like Ryan Reynolds, I guess. Could eat with his wife out in public. up close but like ryan reynolds i guess could eat with his wife out in public but like bro you're just gonna look like a fucking gross guy and and then put stuff in your face in public with other

like nah eat in private so mukbang go fuck yourself okay eating for all the world to see gross at least i can click on the link if i if i if i choose but like just mostly eating let private okay private um anyway well you know that's an hour so you know, I had a good that was fun. That was a fun episode. And I hope you enjoyed it. And if you didn't enjoy it, it doesn't matter. Because that was for me.

So bitch how it fucking fades out. It's weird how it can be some bitch, even though it fades out that way. It is. It's the quickness of fading out. I never think songs should fade out. That's so 80s and 90s. Songs should just stop. Songs should be two minutes and 20 seconds, and that's it.

I've always said that. And my dad, once I said it to my dad, and he was like, you're fucking out of your mind. And I was like, songs go as we want for too long. You know? Anyway, it's cool how I feel fucking tingly and numb in my thumb. Great. Great. It's all good.

I feel tingly and numb in my thumb, but I'm young as shit, so it's all good. So cool. Maybe I slipped a disc. All good. Thanks for listening. You guys are are great had a good time and my garage is fucking cleared out and one of my cars is in there fuck yeah i'm happy about that and uh and that's it and i'm gonna be in fucking albuquerque a lot dude and it is dry as shit and i'm trying to fucking go number two get out of here get out of here dude number two in Albuquerque get out of here fucking

thanks for listening you guys are the best uh oh and remember to check out my brother's podcast, Matt D'Elia is Confused, and download my app. You can get it and listen to it and see this. Sometimes I do podcasts on a Wednesday. You guys don't even know about it. But my app does because I do podcasts on a Wednesday, and they download and they subscribe, and then they get to catch it the first 10 minutes, 15 minutes live before it even goes out. Support the show by buying merch at store.christalia.com. Store.christalia.com or you can just go to christalia.com and follow the fucking links.

But you can get all these shirts. Future's Too Bright shirt. And wear them at Brian Callen shows. You got to start wearing more of them at Brian Callen shows. I was at the King and the Sting show the other day and I popped up to do a – I saw a Safreek cunt shirt and some dent shirts. And they didn't even know I was going to be on the lineup. I was at the King and the Sting show the other day, and I popped up to do a safari cunt shirt and some dent shirts, and they didn't even know I was going to be on the lineup. I guess spotted.

I just fucking popped on, and bro, you're wearing those at Sting and the Thing? You're wearing those at fucking Fing and the Stim? Dude, you're wearing them at fucking Sting and the Bring, and you guys Ring and the Bing? Dude, and you guys are fucking wearing my merch at bling in the thing?

Dude, that's the shit. What is that even fucking podcast, Sting in the Ring? What do they talk about? It's just too fucking. Dude, Theo's hair. I saw a picture the other day of Theo, a profile shot of Theo, and it was unreal, bro. I was like, I literally out loud go like this. Wow.

That's amazing. It's amazing that you think like that. Who's that guy? Okay. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Got shows coming coming up and it's great come out catch the follow the leader tour it's almost over the follow the leader tour is almost over end of the year and that's it then i gotta start working on new material my babies uh so catch it before it before it goes away you guys You guys rock. Thanks for listening.

And remember. Thanks. Thank you.