Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 136. BLAST!

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about public toilets in Wales, Albuquerque, bad memes, accidentally drinking White Claw, "Escib", "the deserve-it scale", and we take some Twitter questions. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, up hi babies um let's see what's going on here uh on my website i'm gonna look this up here should already looked at already but i didn't i'm live on my app right now and it's all good so if you want to you can download my app and then you can see me live for the first uh 10 or so minutes on the on the on the app for each episode and it's buzzy in my headphones and you know what yeah so one fire had it good and then fucked it all up. And it's buzzing in my headphones.

We're figuring it out. But we're still going, dude, because we don't stop. Dude, we don't stop this fucking podcast. We don't stop it. We've never stopped it. We've stopped it once. But we stopped it once and then we had to redo it because I thought that it was so bad for the first 12 minutes. But that was only one time and that was like fucking episode 30 or some shit. I will be in Santa Barbara, Riverside,

California, San Diego, Foxwoods, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Rochester, New York, Detroit, Michigan, and then I'm shooting my special in Minneapolis, my babies. That's how we're doing it. There's no more buzzing in the headphones. One fire fixed it. He fixed it. Yay, he fixed it. I'm going to be in Tampa, too, and Melbourne, Florida. So get your tickets at crystalia.com. So get your tickets at crystalia.com, www.crystalia.com.

You go over to the tour, and you go check out where he's coming coming to the place near you uh you also can check out his favorite latest favorite videos chris aluda and also miscellaneous miscellaneous section that chris lee himself has absolutely never clicked uh and then there's a podcast section there you can always listen to the podcast here so and you can go pick up your merch but uh here we are chrysalid.com um www uh so yeah and um i don't know you know what did i do this week so i was in san san said senator barbara meant to say new mexico i was in new mexico i had one day off the day offs in albuquerque are so terrible terrible do you know why yes you do because they're boring I'd rather work than do nothing in Albuquerque

that's how fucked up it is I'd rather work I'd rather be a hundred and ten degrees and sweating and wearing my flight suit and all the fucking ammo and guns then literally have a day off because it's a boring

my cookie is boring dude whatever you know did shows so I got home flew back bought a flight then asked them if i could go back because that's how i do it dude i'm into the secret man i'm into that thing that thing the secret you visualize it you see it and it happens now did i visualize a lot of fucking ice cream in my belly last night apparently because i ate so much ice cream and Pringles.

Yay! He's going to get cancer. Dude, I ate Pringles and popcorn the whole time I was doing that. I was thinking, I'm doing this instead of the ice cream. And then, lo and behold, couldn't stop himself. So I went to the fridge. And I got the fucking chocolate brownie ice cream from Ben and Jerry's. Brown.

Is Ben and Jerry fat? Probably. Have no idea. But they got to be. So ate the Ben and Jerry's, ate the Pringles. Dude, remember that thing? Once you pop, you can't stop. What was the chip that was like, bet you can't eat just one.

Was that Pringles or Doritos? Bet you can't eat just one. Was that Pringles or Doritos? Bet you can't eat just one. Whatever it was, there was a chip company that did that in the 90s, and that was smart as fuck. Because you can't, dude. Imagine eating one chip. What are you, a fucking? That's how you find out if somebody's a communist or not. Or a fucking robot.

Lays, dude. That's what it was. Even as a kid, when I heard the name Lay's I thought about fucking I got problems yeah dude Lay's potato chips once you pop you can't stop 1983

commercials in 1983 were so fucked up um but yeah so you'd eat one and then you'd be like where's the other look it on my app someone's saying I'm a relatively new baby But yeah, so you'd eat one and then you'd be like, where's the other? Look at on my app, someone saying, I'm a relatively new baby and always listen to this on the speaker. So for a while, I thought you were saying.

Cash app, fastest way to send money to France. What am I saying? Oh, to friends. Yeah, I have a way of speaking that's different. Did you turn me up in the headphones or something? He changed it and it made it way fucking worse. Don't fucking change it. Yes, dude. I love when fucking...

I love when shit gets fucked up, dude. It was fine. Hi, hi, hi. It was fine, dude. Just like I said. So I'm wearing all all white dude because it's sunday it's my sunday shit and it's sunday dude and i have on fucking what do you call them slides and socks because i'm fucking persian that's why dude did you know that that's what persians do dude they wear socks and fucking

slides because they gotta be like i don't really give a fuck but also the slides i have are very cool so but also i'm relaxing um so yeah uh it's all good dude i'm just chilling and and this is this is how it is so i was in a fucking albuquerque it was a day a day off it was boring as fuck chilled worked out uh then shot a scene the next day and then it got wrapped early and then flew the fuck home i was on the plane didn't even get in first class just got the last seat that I could get and fucking saw the same flight attendant that I did. And I'm starting to see all these fucking people over and over again. And she was like, back again? And I said, yup.

She said, in Albuquerque? I said, yeah, man, I'm here for a bit. I'll be seeing you a lot. She was a tall drink of water, man. If you're a tall flight attendant you're probably going to get scoliosis you know what i'm talking about because you got to fucking hunch over that's why flight attendants are so you know even the guys you've never seen a tall guy flight attendant they're always real real short and gay why is it a gay thing to be in the air the higher you get

it's a gay job it's weird how it's like a a gay job to to for a guy why is that how come there's some jobs that are just like like if you're a guy and you do it it's usually uh a gay thing i don't know what it is about being 30 000 feet in the air that makes you want to fuck dudes maybe it's maybe that's maybe that's the thing maybe maybe you're not gay and then you're like just so in the air a lot that you're just like oh man the air's thin gotta suck a dick um man what if fucking for real uh chris cuomo just said that on cnn what i just said he'd be done he'd be done that's why being a comedian is the shit yes chris cuomo if chris cu como was like so we're here with the guy you know talking about liberal stuff and he's uh he's uh he's a flight attendant is that right yeah so how come that's

a gay job and you suck dicks uh if you're a flight attendant canceled dude but i'm a comedian and you can't get me. Yes! So, yeah. So, I'm fucking, I'm chilling. And then I got home and I did a show and I did another show and I did another show

and I did another show. I did four shows and I stacked them, my babies. I stacked them like pussies. Not that I do it. I mean, what that girl Riley Reid would do. Because remember, she put the thing out that said stack them, my babies. I stacked them like pussies. Not that I do it. I mean what that girl Riley Reid would do. Because remember, she put the thing out that said stack them pussies. If you haven't heard the episode, I'm not a perv.

I'm not saying I stack them like pussies. Like I stack pussies. You stack them pussies like the porn star who tweeted the thing about stacking pussies. And if you haven't seen it, so sue me. All right? That's your ass. All right? Also, everyone stop DMing me the fucking stupid meme where everyone says

my hands are tied now and it's got a girl with tied on her hands that is simply not funny to me ever okay so um there's a bunch of shit right now that's just not funny online the ch and Brad thing say yeah I'll do a beauty queen wave on that bye-bye dude let me drive by five miles an hour I'm in a goddamn parade waving at that Brad and Chad thing it's gone dude beautiful as shit with a glove to my fucking elbow bye-bye I don't want to fucking there's shit that um that they do that all of a sudden catches on like wildfire that is immediately not funny as it is funny boom boom that's it stop stop with the shit with the jump on shit you know um the Brad and Chad thing, it's just so lame where they see white guys and they're just like, all right, Brad and Chad. I saw a thing on Barstool Sports on the Instagram where they did the fucking where the guys were in a boat and these guys and these fucking five white guys were doing like silly dancing to these girls and the fucking girls. There were so many girls in the boat.

And there was a guy that was like, All right, Brad and Chad. Woo! Like making fun of the guys on the boat with all the girls, man. Hey, dude. You're the fucking dork. Doing the unoriginal joke from a boat away. Wishing you were on that fucking boat with all the girls

seems like brad and chad's winning fuck that dude i i'd rather be the fucking brad and chad than the guy calling the guy brad and chad it's so lame dude people just jump on this shit i got a fucking white glove down to my elbow, and I'm in the back of a fucking 1960s convertible, and I'm doing a beauty wave, dude. I'm a beauty queen. I'm the Rose Bowl queen on you, man. I don't like when people just all of a sudden jump to the thing. Nope, bye. See ya. You know what else is like that?

White Claw. Yay! See ya. I don't give a shit. It was funny for fucking three minutes. And now everyone's like, White Claw, that's the drink of the... Dude. All right. It's the new Zima or whatever. People jumping on board with this club soda shit, man.

It's crazy how companies can push that shit and then it's just so on. I've been drinking fucking club soda for nine years, my babies. Now, did I like it at first? No. Why? Because it tastes like absolutely nothing with bubbles. Yeah, it does. And why did I start drinking it?

Because I stopped drinking Diet Coke. And why did I stop drinking Diet Coke? Because I was drinking too much of it? Yes. Was it ever good? No. Because diet soda, it fucking sucks donkey balls. And I started drinking it because I didn't want to be fat though. Is that right? Yes. And why? Because I was drinking five Cokes a day? Yes. Because Coke, non-diet is good? Yeah. But what happened? Why did I stop drinking drinking coke because i didn't want to get fat and cancer no because one time i lifted up my shirt as a joke from my mom and she said chrissy gained weight and i said no i didn't and she said yeah i have a scale go look at it and i jumped on it and i was

20 pounds heavier yeah and did i almost faint yeah and then i stopped drinking coke then yeah and then i stopped drinking Coke, then yeah. And then I started drinking Diet Coke. Drank White Claw by mistake. Thought it was fucking club soda. There's too many club sodas out there. I don't drink, dude. You guys know that I don't drink. I didn't ever drink.

And I drank about fucking three or four sips of White Claw. And I was like, man, this is fucking a weird drink. Dude, I don't drink alcohol. And I was just like, this is a weird drink. And I kept drinking it. And I was like, does this have alcohol in it? And I looked and it does. Who's the guy drinking fucking alcohol? Who's the guy drinking White Claw?

I didn't even know it. Who's the guy drinking? Man, Backstreet boys made some hits huh oh whatever it's the same one fire came through with the NSYNC I should know you know some fucking ultimate friends with the backstreet boys dude I could call up fucking AJ right now dude literally I won't because he's got his own life. But I could call Nick Carter now, dude. Nick Carter invited me to his show and I said, yeah, I'll come just text me. And he fucking didn't. But we have each other's number. He was going to play a fucking small

get together at like the London Hotel. And I was going to go if he texted me and he didn't. And it's fine because I, you know, kind of, that meant that I had plans. And then I had to fucking couldn't back out of it. So I didn't text him. Because it was on him. And it's fine, dude. But we're buds. And that's Hollywood, man.

That's fucking straight up Hollywood. That's how we do it in Hollywood, for real. Yeah, yeah, I'll call you. Oh, great. And you know immediately, that person's not going to call call that's how it's gotta be though there's too many fucking plans you know if you go to the maybe if you go in the middle if you go to east if you go to like they start making plans and you keep those motherfuckers once you're not around water you stick to the script you know say like denver denver probably they're so high but like utah oh bro they got they got an itinerary you go there

and they're like these are the plans and like oh check the ones you want and they're like we're holding you to it if not then you know i don't really know what i'm saying bro what is this that's gross that that's there there's a little fucking shot glass of milk here cool yes that's been there and been curdling yes dude fuck yes dude it's been there and curdling for weeks fuck yes dude all right it was today but whatever dude it's i bet i bet we left shit here for a long time before okay um yeah so uh what was i saying so people are jumping on that fucking soda water thing i've been drinking it for fucking nine years, which isn't long enough, by the way. I like to, you know, the people who are like, I like the band before you did. I'm trying to do that with club soda, but I can't do it because it's only been nine years.

My dad, bro? My dad's been drinking LaCroix? He had it in his bottle. Not LaCroix, but like club soda. my dad would drink club soda and as a kid I would be like why do you drink that that doesn't why do you drink that it doesn't it doesn't taste like anything and he's like well you know I like it because I don't like soda and I'd be like why didn't you just drink water then and he'll be like well because I like the bubbles and I say, yo, yo, yo. Yo, yo, yo. So.

I don't know what else to say, man. But. By the way, is that, is the air conditioning fucking it? Is it too, no, it's okay. Okay. There's a thing in a fucking uh sweden i saw where is it i thought i had it here dude this is funny man seaside towns high-tech anti-sex toilets will spray users with water not gonna stop them what if you have What if that's your kink? Oh, dude, you're gonna get... Hey, getting sprayed

is part of sex. Uh... Uh... Nah, but there's this... I don't know. Loose in Porthcall. I mean loose in Porthcall, South Wales, all made up.

Where are you from? Loose. Oh, in Porthcall? Yeah, South Wales. Made it all up. It will feature weight sensors and sound alarms to stop antisocial use. Dude, this is so weird to me that this is where we're at. This is on The Guardian.

this is on the guardian the welsh seaside town of porth call is planning to install anti-sex public toilets that would spray occupants with water and sound an alarm all right so look first of all how much fucking is going on in these in the in these toilets okay like is it just is it just all day because then okay if it's not all day, then just who really cares, you know? Consensual sex in bathrooms? Okay. Violent movement sensors would automatically open the doors. Oh, a kinky. I mean, dude, they want to see it.

Violent movement sensors would automatically open the doors and sound high-pitched alarms with fine water jets soaking the interior. The sexiest thing ever. So all of a sudden, you're fucking, and it's going to go, and it's going to go, the fucking doors are going to open, and then you're going to get fucking doused with water, and you're going to be wet fucking. Ah, sexy.

The government has a kink. I mean, dude. South Wales. What is that? Welsh. Ah, so sexy there. Not going to stop them. Dude, I'm running to that fucking thing i want to fuck

and you're gonna have people watch and spray me with water okay fuck that dude when the shit goes and the doors open and i get fucking doused with water i'm going fucking ah i'm amping it up dude i'm amping it up, dude. I'm amping it up, my babies. For real. You think I won't? Fuck that, dude. 100%. While this shit goes down.

What? And I'm in there with a fucking dude, fucking the dude, and just, I don't give a shit, dude. Oh, here it comes. Blast. Are you kidding me? Oh no, here comes the water. Oh, what's going on over there? I'm, what's going on over there? Oh, here we go. Blast. All over fucking whatever their names are. All over fucking Christian. That's the only guy I know that's Welsh is Christian Bale. For real, dude.

Are you kidding me, bro? That's it. Why can't I move the thing? Can't move it. Great. Yes. Can't move it. Can't move the fucking soundboard thing.

Why is it happening? Can't move the soundboard thing. It's up there and I can't move it. Great. Yes. Can't move it. Can't move the fucking soundboard thing. Why is it happening? Can't move the soundboard thing. It's up there and I can't move it. Technology, dude. Send it over to fucking Juan Fire, babies. Yeah, dude. That's ridiculous. Why would you want to be...

I mean... How much fucking is going on in... In... In Welsland? In Welsland? How much fucking is going on over there in bathrooms? Here's the other thing too. Here's the other thing too.

Here's the other thing too. Spending so much money on this. Alarms. Doused with water. Weight sensors, bro. You know how much a weight sensor is? I swear to God, they're 100 grand. I have that on full authority.

That weight sensors are 100 grand. Look at this. Porthcall Town Council is spending, oh, here we go, 170 euro thousand dollars or whatever the fuck it is. That little E with the curvy thing at the top. You know what I mean? What is that? That's probably around the same American.

In Griffin Park, according to Wales Online, the planning documents detail a range of security features to deter rough sleeping. You mean fucking rough sleeping, dude? So they didn't want to fucking admit it. Oh! So they didn't want to fucking admit it. Oh! So they didn't want to admit that they're pervy. Yes, hello, we are Welsh. We are planning documents to detail a range of security features to deter rough sleeping, I swear to God.

Including an audible warning combined with lights and heating being switched off with lights and heating being switched off I don't want it to fuck but I'm freezing all toilets would be fitted all toilets would be fitted with a full high pressure floor and wall washer,

which could be operated after every use. Jesus Christ, you know? So much. This is how you know nothing's wrong in fucking... Where is Welsh shit? Wales. This is how you know nothing's wrong in Wales in America we're like everyone's dying and getting shot

and in Wales they're like let's put weight sensors in our fucking public restaurants because we don't want people to be having too good of a time I'm moving to Wales dude and fucking in where is this? Porthcawl.

In Griffin Park, dude. I'm going there. Fuck that. That's a red light. What if you went in there and it was all like red lit and shit, and it was just so nice, and they had paintings on the wall that were like... You're like, no, this is kind of the shit. They're trying to trap you, dude.

They want you to fuck, but also want money out of it. All toilets will be fitted with a full high pressure floor and wall washer that can be operated after every use or after a certain number of users per day each night the toilets would close for 10 minutes while the unit undertakes a deep clean wow this is some weird robocop shit visitors will have to pay to use the toilets what what why would you have to pay to take a shit? Hey, oh man,

if I was going to a place and you had to pay to take a shit, guess what I'm doing? Shitting outside of it. Right there, bro. I'll shit close to where you pay. You think I won't shit

close to where you pay? That's the real shit, for real. You're going to make me pay to shit? Where's the doorway, dude? Here we gonna make me pay to shit where's the doorway dude here we go oh what's he doing bro you're not charging me to take dumps oh what's he doing bro that guy's crazy what the fuck oh is he shitting outside the doorway why because they were all oh because they wanted me to pay for it god damn he knows the rules doesn't he god damn he lives a sound life

god damn he's got a code like dexter piss is coming out anyway you're not gonna make me pay for it Piss is coming out anyway. You're not going to make me pay for it. However, Twitter users have questions how the systems in particular, the weight sensitive floors would work in practice. One said, just the fact that anyone would tweet about this. One said, weight sensitive floors to detect more than one user. What baseline weight are they using? I'm easily the weight of two teenagers. And what about people who need assistance?

I have to go in with my kids. Oh man. Imagine you walk in with your two kids that need to take a shit. And all of a sudden they fucking douse you with water and alarm goes off and the doors open. And then they think you're a pedophile by the way. Oh, he went in with kids.

He's trying to fuck kids. What the fuck? You're just an american in there i was on vacation in griffin griffin park i don't know what's happening dude what the fuck is happening oh no oh yeah you need to take a shit oh let's all go in together because i don't i don't trust anybody we all got to get in together and this is a family and everything here we go oh no what the fuck is going on oh no wait what the fuck ah come on kids here we go no blast

another added there are obvious serious questions about weight sensors with potential for cruel humiliation of facility users. S-Robot! I am concerned with one thing. There are obvious serious questions about weight sensors. The potential for cruel humiliation of facility users. I would like to take a shit. I weigh in excess of 310 pounds. Uh-oh.

Oh, my circuitry. No water. Blast! Blast! Why would you listen to this podcast, dude? There's NPR. Talking about robots fucking in whales and getting blasted. It's an escape from reality, dude.

That's right. Back to reality. Whoops, there goes gravity. Whoops, there to reality. Whoops, there goes gravity. Whoops, there goes gravity. Whoops, there goes tragedy. Whoops, there goes gravity. Whoops, there goes gravity. The existing facilities are due to close in October, while the demolition and construction of the new building takes place.

Dude, amazing. So go take a shit in Wales. Are we doing two breaks? Okay. Blast! They're killing it in Wales. Ba-da-ba-ba-ya, they're killing it in Wales.

Looking at my phone because I'm being respectful to you guys. Because I'm not disrespectful because I'm being me. And the most respectful thing you can do is exactly what you want at any given time. Especially around other people because you're gifting them you. the people because you're gifting them you. That's why my mom thinks I'm a

jerk because I do that, but I live for differences rules. And that's fucking bad in things like relationships. Not just with the girl, but with people. But it's all good.

Dude, we have a fucking new zoomed in look on the fucking video. And it's fucking awesome, dude. It's something that I thought about for a little bit and now I did it. And it's cool, man. I look manly in it. How about that, dude? I'm flexing because i'm respectful whoa dude is that

a tree trunk um anyway what else was i gonna say i was gonna say something i don't membo i don't membo you guys do baby voice with your significant others? I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I had one girl, that's all I did. We didn't even talk regular. All we did was baby voice, and it was because we hated each other. We only liked the young versions of ourselves.

We ran away to fucking baby town. And we chilled. It feels good, you know? It's very cute and sweet to do baby talk with someone. But then there's one girl I had that was like, yo, you don't do baby voice with me. You understand me? And I was like, oh, okay.

And we never did it once. And that was okay, too. But we were grown adults, you know? I wanted to talk about something i can't remember what it is now um bro when i was in when i was in my early 20s i would go to this place bob's big boy they got they had really good burgers and i almost i probably ate one every night for the fucking whole for a year when I wasn't really concerned about my health,

I was like 22. Still looked like a fucking, you know, people would be like, what's going on? Is that one of the fucking, is that a velociraptor? Just because of how

my fucking body looked. Not a good thing. So, and, and I would, and I would eat burgers just all the time. And I would go to Bob's Big Boy

and I would go and there was this guy named, shit, what was his name burgers just all the time. And I would go to Bob's Big Boy. And I would go. And there was this guy named, shit, what was his name? Utai. U-T-A-I. That was his name. Where was he from? Mars. Where's that name from?

You got me, baby. Never heard the name before in my life. Had hair like a Lego guy. Like had hair like it was a fucking Spartan hat. His hair had more hairs per capita than Neil deGrasse Tyson. Billions and billions of particles, billions of follicles in my hair, in my head, started billions and billions of years ago. started billions and billions of years ago and he had an utai where is it from looked like he could be from for real mexico hawaii or japan

where was he from utai um and so I really liked going to Bob's Big Boy man I started to know everybody there there was a waitress named Denise there was a guy named Kevin Kevin always looked like an 80s action movie star I liked Kevin a lot he'd be like hey what's going on man and we'd just chat and shit he'd be like you want the burger and I'm like of course I'm here aren't I

but every time I got U-Tie he would come up and never said anything, I swear to God, but this. Eskip. That's what he would say. He'd come up, he'd say, eskip. And I'd say, okay, yeah, I'll get the burger. And he'd write it down, and I'd say, thanks. And he'd say, eskip, I'll get the burger. And he'd write it down. And I'd say, thanks.

And he'd say, eskib. Eskib, dude. E-S-C-I-B. And anytime I would bring a new person there, I'd be like, oh, Uday's here. Watch. He's going to say eskib. And they'd be like, what? What the fuck is eskib?

I'd say, you fucking just sit back and relax. He'd come up, eskib. What do you want? Oh, I'll get the salad the skip and one time one night i realized what he was saying and i remember thinking oh that's what he's saying and a week later i forgot what i realized it was and I have never been able to fucking remember it again and I'm so fucking pissed that I don't remember what I figured out a skib was

I think about it every now and then you never know when some shit like that's gonna hit in life man write this shit down a skib what the fuck is a skib Udai a skib. What the fuck is a skib, Udai? A skib. What could it mean?

A skib. It's not... Maybe he was trying to say something. It's good. But it wasn't that. It's good. It was a skib, dude. I'd watch his fucking mouth. I'd watch his mouth do the esk and the b at the end. Never gave a fuck about me at all. Denise was sweet.

And then I went back years later, and I was like, hey, how's Kevin been? And he fucking, I think he died. I was like, what? Yeah, he died. Sad, man. He was just like a young guy. I wonder if Udai's still there. Let me look up Udai Bob's big boy

Burbank Bob's big boy boy what if he just had like fucking 50,000 followers on Instagram

it was fucking a skib on his fucking his Instagram handles a skip and he's just like living that a skip life and he's just like this just still don't know where he is because he's in different places he's just fucking other guys in Wales bathrooms and it's just like oh no you just went on family oh no fucking a skip he goes into the like, oh no, he just went on family, oh no, fucking, skip, he goes into the fucking thing, oh no, whoops, oh no, just fucking, skip, skip, blasting, hair all wet but still puffy because he's got so much. Hair all wet but still puffy because he's got so much.

Remember how Jay-Z fucking did the, Yeah, Travis Scott shouldn't play in the Super Bowl because they don't stand with Cap. What? The NFL wants me to oversee what they're doing with football? I'll sign it as long as I can make money. That's what people think he's doing. I don't know if that's what he's doing or not. But people are up in arms.

Is Bob's big boy? I looked up Udai. Udai. Images for Udai, Bob's big boy. You know? Let's go to images. Nope. I can't believe I remember his name, but not if Kevin actually died. What the fuck is wrong with my brain? That I remember some guy saying a skib and his fucking name was Udai, but I can't actually remember if the guy I liked the most there died. What the fuck, dude? Dude, there was a TMZ thing that somebody tweeted me.

It was like they were like, oh, well, this is funny or something. And I watched it. Bro, I have zero recollection of it. I'm 39. I mean, I'm not even close to 40, dude. I have zero idea about a TMZ guy coming up to me and asking me about some shit. And then a homeless guy came up to me and did a joke. I don't remember.

It could be a deep fake for all I know. I don't want to upgrade the fucking thing, dude. Mac, you know? Oh, I got to do the second ads. I'll do it right now. Yeah. I'm watching it right now. Yeah.

I'm watching this or I'm listening to this podcast called 22 Hours because it was recommended to me because it's about true crime stuff. It's about this house that burnt down. And they found people in it and they found out that it was a murder. It was a fucking like quadruple homicide or something. It was like a kid there and like so sad. But for five episodes, it just seemed like, okay, the guy did it. Why are we listening to this podcast? And then on the sixth episode, dude, they changed the whole deal.

I was like, what? I'm in. But five minutes in, it's funny, dude, what it takes to, with the voice, like the voices that they use, like the person that they use has so much to do with it. And the music has so much to do with it.

Like five minutes in, I was hooked on the first episode it was just like a family was in the thing and blah blah and blah blah and i'm like wait a second family was in the thing oh my god and the house was burned down and and then they got the music okay well hold on a second. Sorry, wait, the family's in the thing? And I'm just on the plane, and some fat guy's next to me using my armrest, and all of a sudden, I don't care anymore. I'm like, oh, yeah, he's using my armrest, but the family's in the thing?

Hold on a second. Yeah, man, it's good. It's called 22 Hours. I guess check it out if you like that stuff. true crime stuff's all the rage man people love listening to podcasts like this rewind hit it back rewind it you talked to me that's me when I'm listening to a podcast and somebody says something hold on rewind it you talked to me that's me when i'm listening to a podcast and somebody says something hold on rewind it you talked to me i can't text and listen to podcasts too i don't know what the fuck's going on immediately as soon as i pick up a it says somebody texted me whoop you got a text and i'm

listening i text back i'm gone i gotta start the whole podcast over. That's how dumb I am. Dude, all right. Look, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk about this because it's been in my notes for literally five months. I wrote down the deserve it scale, all right? And Juan Fire is always like, what the fuck is the deserve it scale? And it's been on the notes. And we laugh because it's so dumb. The deserve it scale made about as much sense to him as a skib.

All right. The deserve it scale is, I think we might have maybe touched on this in a podcast before, but a video online of a guy falling, just a guy falling and he doesn't deserve it is not as, I mean, it can be funny. There's always exceptions, but the deserve it scale is what makes it funny to me. Okay? If a guy's twirling plates on a fucking basketball and falls down, his deserve it scale is off the charts.

And I'm fucking laughing harder because he's a fucking idiot. You understand? I know he's going to fall and he doesn't. There was a video of a kid on top of a cupboard. This was a long

time ago on America's Funniest Home Videos. You know? Back when the internet wasn't a thing. And this kid was on the top of the cupboard, and he was going to scare, he set up the camera, he was going to scare his family, and it was just going to be great, right?

Set up the whole thing, the kid goes, and slips, his pants catch on the top of the cupboard, and he falls down, and his ass crack is facing the camera. Now, that deserved scales off the charts because he set it all up stood on the cupboard and waited for his dad so it was so funny dude here's another good one man one time there's a guy skiing down a mountain bro i lost my shit at this okay and he was skiing down the mountain and the guy was at the bottom of the fucking slope filming it it was like okay here he comes like so i'm so far away the guy was just doing the fucking bitch ass shit that skiers do you're a super bitch if you're skiing you know and he gets close to the guy with the camera.

And the guy with the camera, you can just sense, you know, there was just like a sense that he had where he was like, uh-oh, some shit's about to go down. And the guy skiing says, oh, sorry, Chris. And then smashes into the guy with the camera. Oh, because he said, sorry, before I pissed. Bro, if you know you're going to fuck up, can't stop and apologize beforehand. The deserved scale so high. First of all, don't even fucking shoot it just let the guy live life

the best deserve it scale though I ever saw was at a wedding this was the funniest on videos I've looked this video up forever online there was a wedding going on and the

I guess it was the groom that on the indoors wedding in a gymnasium or wherever the fuck this thing was, he gets on the motorcycle that was there for some reason. Okay? Now, the Deservet scale, dude, is at Mach 10. Alright? This guy's on a, first of all, motorcycle in a gymnasium.

That's not it. At a wedding. That's not it. At his wedding. Alright? The Deservet scale, I mean, if there That's not it at his wedding. All right? The deserved scale, I mean, if there was a weight sensor, it would be. Okay? Now, this guy revs it, and he is just, he seems dope as fuck.

Okay. Because he had on, I remember he had on like not a traditional thing. He had on like a cool thing because he wanted to look cool on the motorcycle thing. And he went to take off and he goes and obviously didn't know how to ride a motorcycle that well because he didn't let go of the handle and the fucking motorcycle kept going and he was doing like the woo woo woo

and he tried to stand up off of it because it got to and the motorcycle went into all the decorations and took out all the decorations and ruined the wedding dude and I cried the deserved scale was fucking mach 10 and i think that's when i created the deserved scale when i was a kid anyway what i want you to do because i love deserved scale videos send your favorite

deserved scale videos okay now you, there's different levels. Like the skiing one wasn't so high. But the motorcycle at the wedding one was just off the charts. Right? You ever see the grape smash one? Where the girl's like, okay, and go. And they're on a level up. And they're smashing the grapes.

And it's a fucking, you know, middle-aged woman that's like portly. And she's like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And then she falls off of the fucking level thing and then she's like oh you remember that video did you ever see it fire at one fire you've seen it oh man let's watch that one that one is such a high deserved scale oh man when i would watch this on e-Bombs World when I was fucking 12. Smashing fail. She's so out of breath. Grape Lady Falls, original.

So sad to be the grape lady. What kind of grapes? These are filled with Chamberson grapes. And the winner this Saturday, he's song music, eating international. Best thing is they both have fucking zero clue that this shit's about to go down. And my favorite thing about it is I know it's going to go down. That's the best. Because otherwise, why would it even be on the internet?

Dude, I used to love America's Home videos because they would fucking show the video. And you knew. You were smarter than the fucking idiot on the camera. You knew some shit was going to go down. And they had no idea. And I would just sit there giddy with an, I can't fucking wait for this guy to fall. And they would fall, and I would, the shit would just be an uber sensation. Here they are.

So here they are. Dinner this Saturday. He's stopped music, eating international foods, having wine tours and tasting, vineyard tours. Eating international foods, having wine tours and tasting, vineyard tours. They're on a fucking platform that's like, I mean, it's like three and a half feet up. What a bad fucking idea, dude. And why are they wearing the same thing? Because they work for the place.

And it's so sad, the whole thing. Here we go. Seminars, arts and crafts. Oh, I remember what happens, too, before we were even watching. She stops and she stops and they're like okay stop and then this is what made it extra funny she was like wait a little bit more and that's when she falls it's a lot of fun a whole day stop oh oh oh oh oh oh i can't ow ow ow ow stop oh stop oh oh oh oh i can't. Ow, ow, ow. Oh, stop. Oh, stop. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, I can't breathe. Oh, shit. Oh, no.

Oh, dear. I think she's actually hurt. Oh, yeah, buddy. What makes you say that, you fucking regular guy? And the winner this Saturday who's stopped music, eating international food. Oh, the music. The music. The music.

The music. Senior tours, seminars, arts and crafts. It's a lot of fun, a whole day. Stop. Okay, she says stop. Now she's, even though it's a joke, it's what she gets. It's what she gets, man. I'm sorry, lady. But you're on a fucking four-foot platform that is so small it could be an elevator.

It's the size of an elevator. And then you're stomping slippery grapes. And then you don't stop after you say stop. And even as a joke, that's not the rules, lady. You said stop. You said it, by the way. And then she goes. She goes a little bit more.

Like a fucking. Bro, we've all been there. She can't not breathe out because it hit. She can't not breathe out. She's in so much pain that she just lets a little bit of sound out and it just turns into. She can't take a breath in, bro. That's so funny. I feel bad.

But she's probably okay. There's the other thing, too. If you know they've done some permanent damage, then it's not funny anymore because you feel bad. But I think this lady's okay. She's at the top level of i think she's okay if she went any further then it's not okay like those skateboarding videos where people fall down and break their femurs i'm not into that this shit here she's saying stop she doesn't realize

what she's saying because there's nothing to be stopped that's the that's also very funny because she's just saying stop because she's like praying to the gods that this should stop, but she can't. Oh, I can't breathe. Stop. Oh, no. Look at these guys. I think she's actually hurt. No, I think she is.

Yeah, she's hurt. She took a hard fall off there. Okay. Gosh, I hope she's okay. Okay. We're going to make sure she is. We'll try and check on her and get back to you as soon as we can. We'll be back right after this.

Gee. Oh, man. These buckets are filled. Okay, let's read about her here. Go up. Yeah, so, okay. Oh, wow. There's a whole story here.

Oh, okay. Melissa Sanders was a reporter for an Atlanta TV station in the late 90s doing a fluff report from a local winery. She participated in an impromptu grape stomping contest when disaster hilariously struck. Memo to parents. This is what I was saying. If you really want to show your kids that cheaters never prosper, you might want to consider using this video as visual aid. Exactly. Even though it was a fucking light competition.

You stop when you say stop. After being told that time was up, Sander kept... By the way, it was her that said the time was up. I mean, look at the way this is written. Sander kept stomping and was quickly bitch slapped by the hand of fate, tumbling over the side, you know? Her walrus-like screams,

while obviously... I mean, who wrote this? While obviously amusing her to her coworkers in the studio. No, they were sad. Seemed to indicate a serious injury. There's somebody in the comment section claiming Sander broke several ribs and almost died. Oh, come on. They think it's funnier that way.

They're saying bullshit. Go back up. She was fine. Said she was fine. Click on that. Oh, wait oh wait hold on and by the way it's basically her fault because they chose to film facing the side yeah really without railings click on that no that oh you got it oh okay go back yeah go read down i want to read down according to bloggers who've tried to track

her down shortly after the incident s Sander left Atlanta for Albany, which we're sure had nothing to do with the fact that the in-studio reports were barely holding back giggles at her pain yodeling. Our bio page, she has a bio page? In Albany? Makes no mention of a near-death experience due to a pierced lung, which further supports the... I mean, what the fuck is this?

People will just be like, think anything's a conspiracy. She's no longer the jaw dropped off the face of the earth. Let's try to find her, you know? Go up. Go up. Click her bio page. Right there. Oh, there it is.

It's probably not up anymore, right? Yeah. It's not there anymore well we wish for all the best here congratulations you know um but the deserved scale was mighty high on that one wasn't quite as big as the fucking motorcycle in the but man no railings if I was working there and that happened while she was flying I'd be like we knew it um yeah you want to do some questions

okay let's got some questions oh I had a grumble um oh wow Oh, I had a grumble. Oh, wow. A lot of people don't know what sabitch means, but this is a good one. Page, at legs for days. I guess change it probably because that's, you know.

How bitch is it to be the first person scooting in a corner booth at a restaurant? Yeah. Yeah, because you got to be like first person scooting in a corner booth at a restaurant? Yeah. Yeah. Because you got to be like, use your fucking palms and scoot. Yeah. It's pretty fucking boot. Bitch. Boot.

It's pretty bitch. It's pretty boot. It's pretty bitch. Especially if you're like a fucking white guy that is wearing shorts. You're a fucking major bitch if you do that. White guys have the most bitch fucking um what do you call it uh um oh what's the wow what's the word it's a very easy word where you can what's the word where you can wow i can't even think of how to describe this word, but it's a very easy word. Hold on a second. Babies, if you come through. Oh, Jesus Christ.

What a brain fuck. Hold on. This has not happened in a long time. Potential. Jesus. Jesus. They have the most high sabitch potential. White guys with shorts and blonde hair for sure.

Okay, let's go to another one. Crystalia, would you rather... Okay, Megalodon, at Megan underscore Sullivan. Would you rather ride in this car or fly United? She knows I hate United because United fucking sucks. They're run by cats. This is a fucking... Oh, my.

We'll put the picture up. I mean, dude, this truck. First of all, it's neon green with fucking... What are those snake eyes on the back? That are the blinkers? No, it's not Spider-Man. But they do have Ghost rider on the back fucking window and just these decals on it love is lame on the top okay it's a deeper uh holla for a dollar

choke hard just like okay well not necessarily oh, dude. There's the Hello Kitty thing, and instead of the eyes, it has boobs, and it says Hello Titty. Hey, guy. You're a man because you have your license. What are you doing? I like girls that drink beer. S, racist, or rapist. My other ride is my sexy girlfriend. S is sexist.

I like to spoon, but I love to fork. I mean, dude, you might as well put fuck, right? Because you already put... Oh my god, dude. Ass. The other vagina. Oh my god, dude.

It says real women swallow. Bro. Imagine driving around in this i love vag boobies we stare because we care ew foreskin holds germs just for why to get medical get medical oh my god dude i hate smelly vag just on the back of his car oh and the license plate is a meat wagon meet wgn pennsylvania meet WGN, Pennsylvania. Real men don't buy girls. I see the short bus is missing a passenger. I mean, this whole thing is the most offensive back of a car ever.

Uranus is huge, okay? So not funny. Just so not funny to do the planet thing with the fucking making it like it's an asshole and then on the upper left of the fucking back truck back of the truck it says protected by acid spitting kittens for no reason no it's not and just ghost rider on the back you know just like so offensive and then just ghost rider on the back you know just like so offensive and then just ghost rider

hella titty you know oh my god i like to snap i've never heard how bad i like to snatch kisses and vice versa kisses, and vice versa. One thing you know about this guy is that he's white. I mean, any Asian or black or any... Asian guys would look at this car and be like this.

And black guys would look at the car like this. They would have that meme of the... They'd be like, damn. They'd have that look. And Persian guys would watch this car and be like this. Oh, what? You know what I mean?

The only person that would be like... Oh, that's pretty funny. It would be like a white guy. You know? Oh, that's pretty funny. It would be like a white guy. You know? Oh, damn. Oh, hey, hey, hey. And they would call. Persians would be like, hey, check this fool out.

Look at this. What the fuck, bro? Hey, Nima, what? Oh, Amir, look. What the fuck, bro? It says, I like girls that drink beer dog you can't oh shit imagine you're driving behind this guy and you see watch out the idiot behind me decal on there

you're busting him up or what damn dude ghost rider That kills me that Ghost Rider's on it. What? Nice fart can? Oh, like a butt? Nice fart can, it says. Wow, this guy is for sure white and definitely has a beard. There's no way this guy's like a clean cut guy. Wow, I love thinking about a Persian guy looking at this car oh hey how much would you hey how much how much would you would i have to pay you to drive around

in that that's what a persian guy would say um all right next one i would you ride in this car or fly united i mean hey fly united would never be in that car, dude. Oh, here's a good one. Roberto, Rob Herrera Jr. LOL, why do you always... Well, he meant to say say, but he left out a word because he's fucking writing too fast. Got really excited. Why do you always say my opener instead of their actual name?

Because. Because that's what they deserve, dude. He's got the best job in comedy man he goes out there does some shit makes fucking thousands of dollars selling his merch and he fucking i also don't always say it but because it's funny it's a joke because it's what he deserves um and then after that he did a follow-up tweet that says, say Christ. Yeah, so that's it. That's what I do.

That's why I do that and that's what I do. And that's it. That's it for the episode, my babies. Thank you very much. Also, do the,

get my app, get my app at the app store and you can download the Crystal Lee app just by writing Crystal Lee on wherever you get apps. Support the show by buying merch

at store.crystallia.com. We've got a big stock restock coming soon and we love the support and rate and review the show on iTunes. That really helps us and subscribe to the YouTube channel.

The YouTube show comes up a day after the regular one does on the audio. So that show's in San Jose. Oh, they're all sold out. It's a cock. Which ones aren't? San Diego Fox. San Diego, the one did. Add another one, they're all sold out. Suckuck. Which ones aren't? San Diego, Foxwoods.

San Diego, the one did. Add another one, I think. Foxwoods. Connecticut. Detroit. Detroit, New Day to Add It. There's a few tickets left for my taping in Minneapolis, I think. We got two there.

Tampa, Detroit, New Day to Add It. Yeah. Houston, New Day to Add It. El Paso. You guys rock. Thank you very much. And that's it. See you, baby.

Congratulations. Thank you.