Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 137. Goodfellas In Real Life

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Jeremy Renner and his song "Main Attraction", old college friends, New Jersey and Florida, Zedd, and the influencer motorcycle accident. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply What do you think about that new song, baby? You know, every now and then we switch it up. We have a good time and we put in a new, you know, Mr. Green. Shout out to Mr. Green for constantly keeping it fresh with the Congratulations theme song. And it's always keeping it fresh.

It's always keeping it fresh. You always have it to do. Congratulations, Catarivics. But it's always staying true to the good old Mr. Green style. So we hope you enjoyed the new one. And we're moving on to another song here. This is a new hit by Jeremy Renner. Main Attraction.

Yeah, I'm going to be in fucking Houston. We added a show. We added a show in Houston. We added a show in San Diego, even though we don't like going to San Diego. But San Diego keeps liking when we come to them. And by we, I mean me. So we're doing another show in San Diego, or as my mom would say, San Diego, because she's absolutely fucking insane in her later years. But it's all good.

So we've got some dates coming up and all that shit going on in Hollywood, California. And why is there a Hollywood, California? I'm sorry. Well, I will be in Hollywood, California. But I mean Hollywood, Florida. And why is there a Hollywood, Florida when there's a Hollywood, California? It's so fucking highly confusing. There should only be a Hollywood, California or a Hollywood, Florida because Hollywood is such a specific name.

Here we are with Jeremy Renner, Main Attraction. He's a singer too. Here we go with one of the Avengers, Main Attraction by Jeremy Renner. Jeremy Renner looks like a most regular guy in the world and that's why people like him because he's so accessible. Jeremy Renner, Main Attraction. Jeremy Renner is a really good actor, he's actually so good, but people don't realize it, because he's got such a regular face, here we go, Jeremy Renner, main attraction, they forgot about it ever since that fucking movie directed by that girl, Hurt Rocker, Hurt Rocker, not Hurt Rocker, because it's not about a fucking grandma, Hurt Rocker. Not Hurt Rocker because it's not about fucking grandma.

It's not about a grandma with fucking, with plantar fasciitis. It's about fucking the war. So it's not Hurt Rocker. It's Hurt Locker. Here we go. Live, Jeremy Renner from Main Attraction. Here we go. He sings too for some reason.

He's not just an Avenger. He's not just a good dramatic actor. He also sings songs you would listen to in a dentist's office. Here we go. Jeremy Renner, Main Attraction. He's definitely going to have songs about flying and flying so high. Pretty soon coming out with a song that's flying. I guarantee you Jeremy Renner will have a song that's called Flying Too High or something like that because it would be in an elevator.

Jeremy Renner, Main Attraction. Bullseye. Fucking. There's a joke in there somewhere I'm not going to do it because he's a Hawkeye bullseye here we go Jeremy Renner main attraction he's got regular faces so good so yeah so

but yeah so what the fuck so what was I even doing saying Jeremy Renner dude killing it man he just made a song. He made some songs. Did you know that? Dude, the fact that... Let me just go...

Let me just start this by saying I straight up think Jeremy Renner is a phenomenal actor. And I love Jeremy Renner. And I think he's a great fucking... He seems like such a good guy. He's a great actor. I love him in the movies. I want to fucking be his best friend.

I'm a Jeremy Renner fan. And the fact that he's doing also rock music is hilarious. Dude, it's awesome. Also, the fact that he can just make rock. Like, he can do any kind of music. He can do any kind of music. can do any kind of music he can make singer-songwriter shit he could do stuff that's really like cool like dark like tool he could do anything he wants to do but he chose straight up rock oh that's so funny to me dude with his fucking short hair he just chose rock and that's hilarious man

with his reg face dude that makes me laugh dude and he has a song called main attraction dude jeremy renner rips he's my favorite actor now that he does rock music did you know that if he comes to la i'm gonna go do'm going to go to his show as a fan. I'm not asking for any extra perks. I'm paying for the ticket. I'm standing in the back. Dude, it's going to be so dope. I'm not hitting on my agent. Sometimes I hit on my agent. Could you get tickets for me to go to? Nope, not this time, dude. Buying tickets for the Jeremy Renner show, standing in the back and eating popcorn. Dude. His song.

First of all, of course the music video starts with this shit. The beeps, you know? And he's walking into a fucking... He's got a long coat. Ow! The fact that it starts with BOOM! Owwwww! Dude, the fact that it starts like this. Owwwww!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man, dude! BOOM! Owwwww! And he's walking in the desert! Ah, ah! Dude, he's walking in the desert. Dude, he's got a long coat. Oh, fuck.

The fucking way it starts. Oh, dude, he's going like this. He's walking down the road. He's going like this. He's walking down the road. He's going like this. I thought today I have to do this. I have to talk about I have to do the podcast and I can't burn bridges with Jeremy Renner. I got to meet him, though, bro. I got to fucking do this song rips. If you don't let me tell you something, dude.

If you don't like this song main attraction you're a fucking hater dude it's designed to make you feel good i'm not gonna play the whole thing because it's a little flag it but it's so dope dude what is he you know you know dude You know, dude. Oh, and the comments, dude, not one comment, not about Avengers. Oh, dude, that's the best. It's got 4.3 million views. It says, this is what Hawkeye did during those last five years here's another one what about thor off world dr strange unavailable captain marvel don't invoke her name hawkeye you wouldn't believe me if i tell you hawkeye you wouldn't believe it if i tell you

Hawkeye, you wouldn't believe it if I tell you. Dude, just, you know what? He should honestly be in the Hawkeye outfit. In this music video, just ripping fucking fans with the fucking, what do you call it? And then someone just goes, and they just get ripped through a fucking thing with a hawkeye arrow and and they die and they literally die and they die still rocking out like they die literally like this with a fucking with a with a with an arrow like this and they're just this is how they die they're doing this and they go like this they go like this oh dude fucking german writer oh what the fuck and they're just, this is how they die. They're doing this and they go like this. They go like this. Oh, dude, fucking German writer.

Oh, what the fuck? And they're just like this. That would be the fucking best. That would be the best. I'm sorry, but that fucking... Look, here we go. 95% comments, Avengers Hawkeye. 3% comments, Spanish.

2% comments comments like the song that's what this guy tweeted or uh youtube comment okay so let me get this straight this is the one i didn't get okay so let me get this straight he's an actor singer and makeup artist wow huh what about thor off world captain marvel unavailable hawkeye on tour that's what this guy says oh man this guy wrote this on camera he killing it with bow strings off camera he killing it with guitar strings definitely a 14 year old guy well there's some of these are great though where's the one where the there's always the comment where that's like how much yada yada do you want to rock jeremy ren great though where's the one where the there's always the comment where that's like how much yada yada do you want to rock jeremy renner yes where's that one definitely

i that that's the main youtube comment i want to fucking jump off a bridge when i see it how much do you want to fucking rock jeremy renner yes or whatever it is i'll find it i guarantee it's in here here we go producer how much epicness do you want in this song? Jeremy Renner. Yes. Oh, dude. You're a dork. Dude, how much dorkiness do you want in this comment?

Yes. Bro, that fucking shit is hilarious. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, hilarious. What's the fucking... I can't play too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the star of the show. Yeah. Wow.

You know, he had the meeting. He was like, I want to rock. This is what Jeremy Renner did when he came into the fucking thing Whatever music fucking thing he's doing He comes in and he sits down in that long coat With his fucking hair How it always is Jeremy Renner so interesting

The only actor never absolutely ever changes his hair No matter what part he's doing Dude And he goes and he sits down And he fucking Universal BMG whatever the fuck it is You know whatever thing He goes and he sits down and he fucking, and they, and they, and he's universal BMG, whatever the fuck it is, you know, whatever, whatever thing he goes and he sits down and he walks in.

By the way, he walks in like that. He walks in like that with his arms out and he has got the long coat and then he sits in the chair and they say, so Jeremy Renner, we hear you want to do music. We're all for it. What kind of music do you want to make? And he goes like, he literally goes like this. He says, no, he, what he does is he has a toothpick in his mouth because that's a fucking badass, of course. And he goes like this. And he said, what's so funny? And they say, you asked me what style of music I'd like to make.

And the guy says, well, yeah, why is that funny? And he says, because the answer is obvious. And then he puts on sunglasses and then takes them off and says, I want to rock. And they go like this. Yeah, we knew it. And then he goes, I'm walking out. Good man. Where's the car? Man, I know Valley.

He does it like that. And then gives the valet guy $2. Dude, he gives the guy, he gives the valet guy $2. Dude, he gives the valet... Dude, Jim Renner is such a guy who gives the valet guy $2. And the guy thinks, did he make fucking $40 million on Hawkeye? And then he goes like this. He goes like this.

He literally goes... He says, hey. He goes like this, and it's so racist. He says, Eduardo. And the guy says, oh my God, yes? And he says, hey. And he gives him $ two dollars and he goes don't spend it all in one place

and then drives away and then way down the road you think but you can't tell because he doesn't say it loud enough he says I'm fucking Hawkeye. Oh, fuck. I'll do a duet with him. I'll do a duet with him. You understand me? Oh, fucking God damn. Jeremy Renner is the shit, dude. He gets no hate. He's so good. Nobody hates him. He makes the killer ass fucking song and what there's another song too oh he has another song called heaven don't have a name ha said the name before it

didn't have a name heaven don't have a name said heaven in the title chris doesn't have a name didn't you oh no i'm sorry never mind anyway just uh it's all good just never mind just i fucking love it dude because you're the star of the show man i'm talking about me secretly oh oh Brrrow. Ow. Always, always the same hair. Can't tell if I'm 35 or 50. Brrrow.

Ow. Thanos loved his voice. That's why he was spared from the snap. Ah. 14. Someone says, I found out he... By the way, who found out that Jeremy Renner sings because of the Jeep commercial? Eh?

Seh? White. The whitest thing in the world is finding out Jeremy Renner sings while watching a Jeep commercial. That's the whitest thing in the world. Because all white guys, when they saw that music video, they went like this. Oh, shit. That's what they did. They said, oh, Jeremy Renner sings?

That's the whitest thing. The only thing whiter is liking an escape room. That's the only thing whiter. Dude. If you were in an escape room, if they shut the thing and they were like, if you were in an escape room and they were like, hey, guys, good luck getting out. Mwahaha, clink. And they go.

We got to get out. We got one minute. And they're like, hold on. Nah, it's a stupid joke. But, bro bro it's just so fucking awesome that he sings main attraction he's also got a song called nomad oh that's so cool the fact that he could do any music and he's like hey are you fucking crazy? I want to rock. You know fucking Jeremy Renner is the kind of guy who bites his lower lip when he fucks because he thinks it's sexy. Dude, and I do that too.

So that's all good. Me and Jeremy Renner are fucking a pal. We're pals. We're pals. We're the main attraction. Ah, fuck. I saw him at the car wash once and he looked like he was such a good dad Iron Man hey kid we need you for a distraction Spider-Man okay I'll do it Hawkeye hold my bow oh god dude these dorks online hold my bow.

Anyway, fucking he killed it, Jeremy Renner. Props to him. He should win the Grammy. Best new artist. It's on, my babies. I'm excited because today I get to Today I get to Go to Visit my buddy

Who's lived in Venice I had no idea But I haven't seen him in Since I went to NYU For fucking nine months And I was friends with him And I am friends with him We kept in touch

You know There's been a few years That we haven't talked But he's my buddy And he was in the business school of Tisch in NYU. And I get to go see him for the first time in 18 years. And I get to go do that. And I'm really excited, dude, because I really want to see him.

And it's the shit. And there were four of us, you know, at NYU. There was me, Tom, Ted, and Dan. And those are the whitest names of all time. And we all hung out. And if it was now, I guarantee if it was now that we hung out, the four of us, I'll tell you right now, we would be fucking listening to. And I'll get our teeth done at the dentist's office, but we

are chilling and I haven't talked to Ted in a while. I'm sorry. I haven't talked to Tom in a while. Ted, I'm going to go see in a little bit. But I'm very excited because I want to catch up with him. Dude, we used to laugh so hard, man. They came to visit me in spring break once, and Ted fucking threw up so hard because he got so drunk because we went to the House of Blues. I don't even know who the fuck we went to go see.

But we went to go to the House of Blues, and he started drinking way too much. He drank something like fire, what do you call them? Like mind erasers is what the fucking, you know. And then we drove home and he threw the fuck up out the side of the car. And I got so mad, dude. It's so a guy named Ted to throw up out the side of a car. And we were, oh man, Tom was laughing and Dan was laughing.

And Dan used to laugh like this. and we were, oh man, Tom was laughing and Dan was laughing and Dan used to laugh like this. And Dan was, let me tell you this first so it becomes less sad later. He fucking died when I was 27. He was 27, I was 27, we were the same age. 26? I don't know.

He got a fucking, he got a motorcycle accident, dude. And I fucking loved him, man. He was so funny. He provided us with so much fucking laughs, dude. Goddamn. He provided us with so many laughs. Because he, basically, he was the kind of guy that just lived like he wanted good fellas to be real. He wanted good fellas to be real life. Good fellas in real life

is how he wanted it to be. And he, he wanted it to be, and this was the craziest thing too. He was, he was Irish. He was like Robert De Niro's character. He was Irish and he wanted to be Italian so bad. He would just be like, he was the kind of guy that like, no, you know what? I don't like the way he fucking looked at me. You know what, he's off, he's off my list. One time he came up to me and he said, hey, your buddy Frank, he's a carrier, huh? And I said, what? He's a carrier?

I said, what the fuck does he mean? And Ted was like, Dan thinks that he carries a gun, dude. And I was like, he just wants him to think that he's fucking carrying, Dan just wants us to think that he thinks he's carrying his gun, because he thinks he's Robert De Niro in fucking Goodfellas and he would eat so much because he was trying to gain muscle

he just wanted to be the biggest he could possibly be and we used to make fun of him so badly like he would eat so much but he would have to fucking like he always got two meals always he'd be like you know what let me get a burger and then also let me get the breakfast and we'd be at a diner at fucking Gramercy Park and he would just be eating the shit and he'd just be like.

He'd be like, man, you look bad, dude. You're going to like throw up. He's like, no, I need it because I'm trying to beef up. And he, what? Dude, and he had a toothpick in his mouth all the time. And he had like fucking shoulders that sloped down. He looked like a turtle. You know what I mean?

And he fucking walked so mean walked so dope like this. You know how guys walk like this sometimes because they think they're badass? God, I love that motherfucker, man. We would bust on him so much. He came to visit in LA when we were on spring break when Ted threw up out the side because of mind erasers. And my family, my dad got a fucking slam man.

Remember those slam mans that would have no arms and you just beat the shit out of them? You'd box them. They were just like, they came out in like, I don't know, maybe 1995 and you would just box them, sparring bob, you know, those kinds of things. And we had one of those slam,

that was the one we had, the slam man. That one. Yeah, the down. No, right. Nope, the blue one the slam man that one the the yeah the the down no right nope the blue one yeah that one right there yeah slam man and and and nobody ever used it was one of those things that you you know you get and then you'd never use ever you just feel like oh cool i'll fucking start it's boxing the slam man and it just stays in the garage next to your car and dan was like oh you got a fucking slam man and and we would make fun of him so hard that he would come home late at night every time we came home from the spring

break hanging out and he would just be like we'd be like where's dan dude and then we would go down in the garage and turn the light on and he would be fucking hitting the slam man just like fuck this fucking fuck i like the way he fucking looks at me dude and we would laugh so hard dude with his toothpick in his mouth just fucking fucking rocking the slam man, killing it. Just boxing. Yeah, man. Fuck, dude. And then he literally fucking did.

And he went out on a motorcycle, which was like so darkly funny. It was like he was probably trying to do a fucking wheelie with a toothpick in his mouth. I love that kid, dude dude i fucking miss him um and so i'm gonna go see our other buddy ted and tom was the guy who he was irish as fuck too i haven't seen him in a bit i should hit him up next time i go to new york they'll live in new york there's such business guys you know um i think ted moved to fucking poland and then moved back know? I think Ted moved to fucking Poland and then moved back. That's how business... You move to fucking Poland, dude? You go to NYU and then move to Poland?

Esa business school. Dude. Oh, fuck. Esa business school to go from NYU to Poland and then make millions and then move to Venice. It's a business school, you know? All right. So, yeah.

That's what's up, my babies. Yeah, man. Wow, that's so funny that she fucking, that she that dan wanted it to be good fellas so bad he was like from florida and he wanted it to be like new york new york you know he the guy went to nyu but he was like he wanted to be like like he would have loved to like gone to visit one time he told somebody he was like from bed stuyvesant for no reason which is like which was like i don't know what it's like now but it was like not the best area back then and he was like yeah bed stuy you're like you're from florida that's what i think

that's what where i came up with the thing that nothing is more jersey than living in florida and having a belly. I was in Vegas, and dude, the most Vegas guy is a guy who's like 55 and a little puffy and pink, and wearing like a tighter shirt with jewelry, and also like was at the pool for 11 hours. Like that, I saw that guy, and I was like, that's so Vegas, dude. I played the Mirage. I love playing the Mirage.

Uh, I hung out with the Zed who, you know, we're both fans of each other. We've been fucking talking on Instagram a lot. And then he was like, dude, I'm going to be in Las Vegas.

Can I come to your show? And I was like, hell yeah. And he was like, come to mine. And I was like, dude, are you kidding?

Oh, we're going to go to each other's shows. And we did. And we went and it was fun as shit. He played fucking Nelly, so you know it's on. And I was standing on, and the guy kept being like, hey, the sparks are going to come up, but be careful. And I was like, all right, I got it, you know. But anyway, shout out to all those guys.

They really made it a lot of fun zed and his whole team uh you know zed's german as shit i i don't mean i you know i already have a german friend matthias um shuttleburger whatever the hell his last name is and uh schlosenberger and uh schlosen whatever it is and um is it you know i won't i want to send him a picture of me and Zedd and be like, sorry, bro, you got phased out. I hung out with seven Germans, though, man. Everybody was German. It was cool.

Somebody kept giving me the finger in the fucking crowd. Just kept wanting me to look over at his way, and every time I kind of glanced over, he was just like, maybe he was a fan of Theo. And, you know, I don't know. Maybe he was just mad at the world. One time I drove by on the freeway,

and this guy was just holding his middle finger out of the window for everybody, and my uncle said, damn, I guess he's just mad at everybody. And that's the end of that story. But yeah, I went to Las Vegas and I went to San Jose. Dude, those shows were real fun. They were real fun. They were really fun, man. I'm trying to work my hour.

I'm doing it. It's like 54 minutes. It's like 54 minutes. I'm trying to figure out how to do 60. And I got a whole other chunk to work on after this. Your boy keeps moving. Your boy keeps moving forward. You know? You think comedy stops just because I shoot another special? No.

I'm going to shoot it in November in Minnesota. Is it sold out? Yes. Can I not wait? Yes. Am I doing two of them? Yeah. Am I going to use the one that's probably better and then cut in other ones when I mistake on the first one? Yeah.

Is it going to come out on Netflix? Yes. Are people who are way too liberal going to dislike it? Yes. Is that okay? Yes. Do they make other people like it more because of that? Yes.

Do they realize it? No. Or can they help themselves? Maybe not. Who knows? Anyway. that yes do they realize it no or is it can they help themselves maybe not who knows um anyway uh what was i saying about that uh i don't i don't remember i don't remember i i got to fly and i was hitting a lot of airports and shit and where was i oh in in in a casino, in Vegas casinos.

Like, do you know how much of a fucking raging cock you have to be to be at a blackjack table getting a massage? Dude, what are you, a fucking sultan? This fucking white dude just hunched over, getting a massage, like, stay. Yeah, you know, hit me. Dude, hey guy, hey guy, sit up straight. You're fucking, you know, just winning thousands of dollars getting a massage.

You guys got blowjobs. Just a fucking dude under him just sucking. He's not even gay, but he's just like, yeah, it's a service. Just under it, a guy in one of those fucking terrible vests that they wear. Pit boss is like, would you like a blowjob? I did, I was there and I started betting

and the pit boss came up to me and he was like, do you have a card? And I was like, nah. He's like, do you want one?

I'm like, nah, nah, nah. Dude, I don't like gambling. It's not fun. I won some money

and then I was like, okay. And then the dealer got 21 and I was like this is fucking i'm i'm out and then i and then i that's when i saw the guy get a massage get i mean dude how what kind of confidence do you have to fucking be playing blackjack and getting a massage at the same time from some chick named dorothy or dotty um but yeah like how about this man this or Dottie. But yeah, like how about this, man?

This is where you get massages. At massage places, okay? You see people at the fucking mall in like Jersey or some shit or the Glendale Galleria. It's always Asian dudes. Just like, want a massage? You're like, what?

Dude, we're outside Hot Topic, asshole. Yeah, you want to relax? I'm at the mall. What are you talking about? Who gets an Orange Julius and is like, I got to go to the fucking Apple store. But you know what, dude? That Korean probably named George gives a good massage. Nothing's more Korean than being

named George in America. Yeah. And so, yeah, like, what are you doing? Get a massage at a massage place. Or get a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. You know who gets massages at the fucking mall for real? Jeremy Renner. And also gets massages at the fucking mall for real? Jeremy Renner.

And also gets massages at Blackjack. You know what Jeremy Renner does for sure when he goes to Las Vegas? He goes and he bets. And he literally sits at the table and lets the house win for a bunch, for a long time. For like, I'm talking two, two hours and 15 minutes. He lets the house win and he's losing money, dude. I'm talking about parts of his paycheck. Okay. And then he says, well, I guess, I guess today's just not my luck.

It's not my day. And then he gets up and turns around and goes to leave, tips the lady a chunk. And the lady's like, God damn, he's tipping nice? He lost close to a million dollars and he's tipping nice? And then he says, after he's turned around, he says, you know what? Let me just play one more time. And he fucking cashes some chips. Plays a bigger bet than he's ever played.

More than he lost. And then he gets 13. And the lady is showing a fucking face card. And she says, you want to hit? And he says, you know what? The way I've been playing is so fucked up. I might as well play against the rules now. I'm going to stay.

And everyone goes, and so on and so on. Jeremy Renner, main attraction. He's a singer. Did you know? Jeep commercial. And they say to play Mrs. Singer. Did you know? Jeep commercial. And they say, you really shouldn't. And Jeremy Renner says, I got this.

And then she says, okay. And then she flips the card over, and it's a six. And then everyone goes, oh. And she has to hit, and she flips the card over, and it's another face car and your face card and jeremy renner says hey i'd like that massage and then he fucking walks away with his chips and he comes out a fucking winner And you notice, as he's walking into the elevator, nobody noticed until the last moment that his dick was out the whole time. Bro, do you understand?

That's the fucking, my dream world. Not for me to do it. I want Jeremy Renner to do it. And I want to see it. I'd fucking start beating the shit out of everyone if I saw that. Out of respect. And I'd be punching the shit out of everybody. And people would be like, what are you doing? I'd be like, just in case Jeremy Renner doesn't like any of these guys, I got them all.

Fuck yeah, dude. That's life. That's life in my head. Anyway. fuck yeah dude that's life that's life in my head uh anyway um so yeah i was with my parents uh i was with the whole fam last night and uh i'm just gonna come out and say it and and then I'll tell the story. My mom thinks that their dog, Lenny, has been butt-fucked by a guy. And, yeah, so that's a real thing that a 70-year-old woman thinks. My mom thinks her dog has been butt-fucked by a human guy. So that, and now the interesting thing about that is it didn't happen okay i swear to god

this happened years ago but we're used to dude my mom is a conspiracy theorist okay that's what it is she's a fucking conspiracy theorist but only about things like a human butt fucked her dog dude first of all they found the dog my uncle found the dog attached to a tree and it was all muddy and shit and he basically saved the dog and then he couldn't have the dog because they already had too many dogs and then they gave it to my mom and dad the dog's name is lenny And the interesting thing about Lenny is he's never been butt fucked by a human. Now, my mom used to pet Lenny. And whenever he got near pet near his butt, Lenny would be like.

And because of that, my mom thinks Lenny was butt fucked by a guy. Okay. Lenny was butt fucked by a guy. Okay. I mean, dude, when she said it, I had to go to the doctor to get my jaw wired back onto my face. Because it hit the floor. Dude, we were petting. Why is somebody said, why does Lenny always do that?

And my mom says, well, you know, I mean, I think that he got butt fucked by a guy. I think, I think so. No, she said, I think, I think somebody butt fucked him like his previous owner. That's what she said. My, my mom's 70. A few years ago when she was in her late sixties, she says, well, I think he got butt fucked by one of his premiums owners or something like that because when you pet near his butt he growled my brother and I looked at each other for a week and a half just standing there

and we were like mom the dog didn't get butt fucked by a guy you know and she were like mom the dog didn't get butt fucked by a guy you know and she was like well and then and then yesterday we brought it up and she was like i mean i don't you know she tried to backtrack but she really thinks it i don't think i said that i don't think it was like trump i don't you know i didn't say that exactly that is that's not what i think. And we're like, okay, you said it. You said it. Also,

imagine being butt-fucked by an owner, and then your previous owner went to go pet your butt, and you just growled. You kidding me? You'd run away. Dude, that was the funniest fucking thing, man. My mom is crazy. Like, she calls me fucking crinks.

For no reason. She calls my brother Maffy and me crinks. My name is Chris, dude. She named me that. My brother's name is Matthew dude she named me that my brother's name is Matthew she calls him Maffy she says hey Krinks hey Maffy Lenny got butt fucked

also she said butt fucked oh man what if he did and Lenny's like she's the only one that knows um yeah dude so funny talk about no dents Lenny took a dent in his butt

oh fuck cause you're the star of the show Lenny got buttfucked um anyway uh

what else did I have I had some oh dude this made me laugh that there's a fucking What else did I have? I had some. Oh, dude, this made me laugh. That there's a fucking. Look, I'm surprised it took them this long to do this. But it did. Apple is coming out with an Apple card. Because, of course it is.

Do you understand? The only thing more of course it is, is that my mom thinks Lenny got butt-fucked by his previous owner. Okay? Apple Card is coming out. Apple is coming out with a card. Okay? First of all, Apple, don't come out with a card. But it did, naturally, and everyone's going to buy it.

Why? Because Apple created something that we all need, which is like the number one rule in business. And now we can't live without it. So I was reading about this because I'm really smart and I like to fucking come, I like to catch up on everything that's been going on in the world, and I'm very, very cultural.

And Apple Card, does the new Apple Card deliver, where's the, there was, okay. Let me see, I'll just do it. You can't wear, here's I'll just do it. You can't wear... Here's what they said about it. You know what I'm talking about, right? Apple warns not to keep its credit card by leather or denim or loose change. Okay.

Okay. K. K. The only thing is, that's where everything in your pocket goes. And also your pocket, that's made of denim. And also things you keep your credit card in, like fucking wallets, those are leather.

So I guess Apple, what I'm asking is, in a very specific sense, in a very specific, sensible question, Apple, what the fuck should you do? You know why? You know why? Because they're coming out with fucking Apple pants. That's why. And they're going to be wooden. Or like some fucking titanium bullshit. And they're going to be like, well, plug your credit card into your pants.

And then, you know, you don't need loose change because you got a credit card. And you don't need leather because we have the Apple wallet. That's also fucking titanium. And pretty soon we're just going to all be fucking robots. Hello, I'd like to pay with my Apple Card. Hello, I would like to pay with my Apple Card. Hello, where do I insert my Apple Card? You don't have to. You can just stand near the fucking cash register.

Bing. Thanks, that was $3.50. No. near the fucking cash register. Thanks, that was $3.50. No. Thank you. Um, yeah. That's just changing the game, dude. Don't get this fucking Apple card, because then you gotta get new pants.

I'm trying to get, you know, I'm gonna, fuck that, I'm gonna get straw pants. And anytime someone says, what's up with your stupid pants i'm gonna say bro you don't know the future i'm trying to use my fucking apple card i'm not that's like when they say don't have your hotel keys near other fucking like hotel hey hotels figure the shit out yeah well you're not gonna want to put your fucking thing near your cell phone because it demagnetizes the thing. No, you don't make me do extra work, okay? I'm paying you $350 a night to fucking sleep. Activate your card. Wake iPhone up. When's this come out, by the way? Soon, right? Probably. I'm going to get it. I'm going to be so pissed when it doesn't work.

I'm gonna get it I'm gonna be so pissed when it doesn't work I've had fucking four four uh ear airpods four ear airpods whatever the fuck they're called four airpods so dad four four ear airpods you got your ear airpods kids let's go you got your ear airpods um and uh I got four of them and I lost all four and that that's all good. That's it. I said it to Rogan. I was like, hey, man, I lost like four pairs. He's like, me too, but it's worth it. And I was like, okay, I guess that's the end of that conversation. Am I going to talk to fucking Joe Rogan about earpods, you know?

So, yeah, you know, but this Apple card made me laugh. I put a tweet up that i had burlap pants i found a picture with burlap pants and i wrote hello i'd like to pay with my apple card and it fucking went off the chain because daddy's twitter game has been on fire lately for real i must have a million and when i do that's it when i have a million twitter followers um yeah so lennie got butt fucked all good i got a cameo from exhibit do you know who x to the z is you do if you're over 35 what's up chris i'm here to pimp your podcast ad game it's mr x to the z exhibit i need you to limit each sponsor break to two ad reads per break

so your listeners don't skip through them all. Alright? What's the difference between me and you? About five breaks trucks, three M hits and a log cabin too. Whatever that means. Peace. Seems like a nice guy there. What's three M hits?

Three million hits? No no that's weird god that guy was fucking what's the difference between me and you what's the difference between us it starts with the penis that fucking line dude what's the difference between us? It starts with the penis. When I say I don't give a fuck, I really mean it. So, yeah. Because you're the star of the show. That's his voice doing that, too. Did you guys see the influencer about the fucking, that pretended she got in a motorcycle accident and then shot it?

Either way, it's bad. Either way, it's bad. Don't go. My fucking cousin one time said he didn't want to go to college. And they obviously had been brewing between him and his dad. And my uncle said to him right when he said he cut him off, he said, then don't go. Then don't go. Don't go, Nick.

Don't go. And it was like so mad. You know? Anyway, he went. So, yeah, an influencer is defending her decision to post a photo shoot of her motorcycle accident on Instagram. Hey, bye, dude. Bye-bye. a photo shoot of her motorcycle accident on Instagram. Hey, bye, dude. Bye bye. If I was in an airplane and I was going to do a fucking skydive and I wasn't sure and I was nervous and then somebody just pulled that up and showed it to me, I'd jump out then.

I got fuck it. Who cares if it doesn't open? She also denied to me that smart water featured in one of the professional that the smart water featured in one of the professional that that the smart water featured in one of the professional photo shoots is a brand endorsement who gives a fuck dude me so she put this was on buzzfeed i mean a lot of people picked it up i tweeted about it i said how influencers fucking suck dude just get a job man no you know what don't get a job don't get a job develop actually develop period get up get up a fucking skill develop a skill dude don't just sit near a fucking you know umbrella and then and then have some dude take a bitch-ass picture you see these dudes take the pictures all fucking squatted out with their with their hands like all bitchy this is me this is

what this girl says tiff arelli or something this is me and my bike about an hour before i got into an accident if you watch my story sunday you know all about it. But if you didn't, here's the scary, magical series of events. A few of us rode down to Leaper's Fork Saturday to explore and take pictures. Yeah, you didn't go to explore. You went to go take pictures. My sweet friend Yadiyada was shooting and my other sweet friend Yadiyada was riding while a friend of Lindsay's drove the Jeep. All right, dude, you know, we don't need all this shit okay cool what is this the fucking describing it back and to the left back and to the left this is like the fucking jfk trial so lindsey was driving and then and then the other sweet friend was riding and then while lindsey drove the jeep we don't give a fuck we

played around for a couple hours before heading back up to Nashville. Course they were going back to Nashville. And around 7.30 and on a secluded two-lane stretch, I misjudged a curve, took it too fast, and my bike went off the road, slid through the grass, and I hit the pavement. I had my helmet on, so my head was fine, but I yada, yada, fucking farted. Took a and then and then the whole time I was listening to fucking main attraction that's what she said exactly word for word and um so this was so she did the thing made the tweet made the instagram and then like they got pictures of her like in pain on the ground and this photographer was just taking pictures of it and then fucking posted it and filtered

it out and it all fits the aesthetic on her instagram page okay oops you did the wrong thing, baby. Dude, this is just so bad. Guess if she says the word adventure in the fucking caption, too. Everything's a goddamn adventure, dude, to these chicks. Everything is a goddamn adventure dude to these chicks everything is a goddamn adventure they could fucking lay in bed and be like today i fucking just didn't i just adventured with my pillow i just adventured watching the hostile the hostile trilogy oh scary i need to go on an adventure like that only without the rape and fucking getting killed, LOL. My friend was there to take pictures.

These aesthetics, too, that they have are all like fucking, always like brown and tan, these chicks. It's crazy dude it's so crazy to me the world and that's it how many

what oh follow up post she's sitting on her bike cool all fucking all done out and the smart water was all fucking placed

in the earlier one too this is a follow up post cool I've been figuring out and that smart water was all fucking placed in the earlier one too this is a follow-up post cool i've been figuring out how to respond to everything that's unfolded recently regarding the post i shared three weeks ago about my moto accident shortened it i won't get into the post here see my moto accident story for highlighter for all the details s still promoting her accident didn't learn all good keeps touching the hot stove but i want to talk about the reactions I've been getting to the article at BuzzFeed News posted sensationalizing what I went through that day and making a mockery of the post I shared. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, dude, I don't say this word a lot, but sweetheart.

You were the one making a mockery of your fucking accident when you put gradient on it is that the right way to say that who gives a fuck do it when you when you adjusted the gradient is that how you say it i don't know when you opened the aperture. Know nothing about it. I've been accused of... As a result, I've been accused of staging the accident to get attention. Do you know why you were accused? You know why you were accused of that, OJ? Using it as a product placement opportunity with a water company.

I also don't... That part, I don't give a flying company. I also don't give that part. I don't give a flying shit about. I don't care about that. We're all suckers and cooters for drinking the shit anyway. Who cares if they post it with a fake ad? I don't give a fuck. Smart water.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I drink it. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Use that for a fucking smart water ad. Smart water. I drink it. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I don't give a shit.

She crashed and put a smart water on her photo. I don't give a fuck. I'll take a shower in it. Give me more. Smart water. I drink it. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I don't give a shit. She crashed and put a smart water in her photo. I don't give a fuck. I'll take a shower in it. Give me more. Put it up above my shit. I'll take an outdoor shower with it. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

I'll open up my fucking mouth and just drink it while I wash my fucking armpits with it. Ay! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I've been... So, using it as a product for a water company and and other things i can't even wrap my head around i well we wrapped our heads around it for you i've been sharing real life stories here since

i started my account i've opened up about miscarriage divorce anxiety losing my partner in a moto accident three years ago and navigating grief that followed i've chosen to use instagram as a tool for healing and connecting with other humans who may be going through similar things so we can do it together. And it's been beautiful. When I work with brands, they're ones I personally enjoy and I disclose every single sponsorship accusing someone of faking or exploiting the accident is extremely serious because of because what if you're wrong? I really it really happened to me and I was scared. I really was injured and I had to recover. I was in shock laying on the side of the road having flashbacks when I lost someone very important to me.

Friends were on my side. Look, I don't even give a shit. If the shit really happened, then the shit really happened. What's the difference between us? It starts with the penis. But if the shit really happened, that's fine. The problem I don't have, the problem I have isn't with the fact that I think it's a fake motorcycle accident.

As a matter of fact, that's better. That's better than falling on the ground in a real way, scraping the shit out of your tattooed shoulder and asking your friend to take photos about it because that's the way that we know he got mental problems. Okay? Staging it is at least for the money. Falling down, hurting yourself, having flashbacks from losing your partner to the same accident, and asking your friend to take gradient shots means you got mental problems.

You understand? Oh, but it's tan. It's all good. Your brain's all dented. Dude, that's the hugest problem of it all. Oh shit, I crashed. Get out your camera. That's not a sentence that you say. Why are you acting like the not problem is the problem? The only problem is the real problem. Dude, I want to have a game show called The Real Problem. People come up and be like,

So, hi, I'mancy and i own an accounting firm and now i want to tell you my problem oh yeah yeah well nancy what's your problem well the problem is everyone thinks that i faked a motorcycle accident to put on instagram so I could do a deal with Smartwater. We'll be right after these messages to decide what the real problem is. Hey, everybody, we're back. It's find out the real problem. Nancy, now here before the commercial break, she said that there was a problem because we thought it was a brand of fucking smart water.

But what's the real problem? Well, I'll tell you what the real problem is. Her fucking brain's all dented up. Join us next time for What's the Real Problem, where we have a new contestant. Jeremy Renner. problem where we have a new contestant jeremy renner hey jeremy renner you're a successful actor and you got 400 fucking quadrillion dollars what's the deal you're an avenger and you're also in good movies like the fucking hurt rocker so what's going on man you want to do music well yeah i always loved music and you know the real problem is never got a chance to do it and now that I'm fucking 45

I got a chance to do it oh cool we'll be right back after these fucking messages psych we're back now the real problem is you just want to be more famous and that's the real problem with Chris D'Elia.

Anyway, dude. I'm the biggest fucking Jeremy Renner fan. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Dude, 4.3 million views. How much epicness do you want in this video jeremy renner yes ah shit hey jeremy renner you're playing poker how relaxed do you want to be with this massage jeremy renner yes uh i guess that's good for that man that was a really fun episode dude and just remember if you see my mom ask her how lenny's doing because you know he was butt fucked by a human um so uh download the download the cash app for free on the app store or google play market that's a really good idea to do that it's also a really good idea when you're doing that and

downloading postmates to download the crystalia'Elia app. You download the Chris D'Elia app and you fucking get to listen to the first 12, 13 minutes just today. First 10 minutes or so live before anyone else and you get to see me do it. Support the show by buying merch. We got everything's restocked at

the Chris D'Elia store. At the Chris D'Elia store, everything's restocked. So go get it now. People are always like, my size is sold out. It's not sold out now go now um subscribe to the youtube channel rate and review it really helps us on itunes and tweet me by using the handle at congratulations pod doesn't matter i don't fucking look at it and um i'll look at it if i want to maybe some days i do some days i don't so it's all good i do what i want because i'm trying to live that hedonistic lifestyle and i try to not do whatever i fucking don't want to do. And that's what we should do. And let me just fucking close out by saying this too. I'm a happy guy.

And let's just be nice to everybody this week. No sideways bullshit. No fucking backhanded compliments. It's deeper. And we're just going to hang out. We're going to have a good time. We're going to tell fucking compliments. And we're going to do shit.

We're going to call people out for their bullshit. But we're not going to do it in a shitty way. We're going to do it in a loving way. Because we love each other. That's why. Because we're gonna do shit we're gonna call people out for their bullshit but we're not gonna do it in a shitty way we're gonna do it in a loving way because we love each other that's why because we're all humans and we're all

the main attraction in our own way isn't that right Jeremy Renner play us out if we had money to buy the song and um

I had a good time dude you guys are great I'm gonna be in Santa Barbara Riverside San Diego doesn't matter gonna sell out anyway even though I fucking even if I don't say it

cause it's all good thanks for listening my babies and remember Riverside, San Diego, doesn't matter. Going to sell out anyway, even though I fucking, even if I don't say it because it's all good. Thanks for listening, my babies. And remember, we can't all be the fucking. Have a good one. Congratulations. Outro Music you