Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 139. Taxi Driver Behind A Keyboard

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about how everyone fancies themselves Travis Bickle, Robert DeNiro's character in Taxi Driver. Also discussed: Caroline Calloway, gingko biloba, Flume, Michael Lenoci eating burgers in Amsterdam, and we go through some deserve-it scale submissions (good job, guys). Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply everyone good to go? Yeah. Okay. What's up? Yo, what's going on, my babies? This episode, who knows, of Congratulations, the podcast. And we're coming to you live from los angeles to www.congratulations dig here www um but yeah uh i'm here and guess what dude well first of all

before i even do this and this is what i do every time i i start the podcast before i have my website up now that pisses me off now Now, why does that piss me off? An array of different reasons. Well, because I need it to be up because I want to promote dates. And I forget about that. And I get right into the podcast. And then I start talking. And then I think, oh, wait a second.

While I'm in the middle of conversing by myself, I think, you know what? I actually forgot to plug the dates. And then since I forget to plug the dates, I stop what I'm doing. And then I go back. And then I have to fucking regroup. And then I have to pull the website up. and I take a section along and I was like, okay, yeah, it's fine. But does it piss me off a little bit? Yeah. And does it give me a fire in my, in my belly so I can move on and, and get, and get, and get the, the power I need to, to do this podcast? You know, maybe, I don't know. I don't know how it works, you know, but, uh, I will be in Santa Barbara, California at the Arlington Theater October 12th.

You can get tickets at crystalia.com. Riverside, California. San Diego. We keep adding dates even though you know how we feel about San Diego. It's full of bros and princesses and people that are privileged. And people that... San Diego is full of people that... Full of white people that think things are racist that aren't racist. Because they like to act holier than thou.

And they live too good of a life because the sun is beautiful, but it's still got that cool breeze down in San Diego. Whereas Chris's mom would say San Diego for no reason. And then we got Foxwoods, Connecticut. I believe we got, yeah, Bethlehem for some reason. It's called Bethlehem, even though it's not religious because it's in Pennsylvania. Never know, by the way. This is how dumb I am. Every time I ever say Pennsylvania in my whole life, I don't know if that's the state or the city or if it's Philly or if it's Pittsburgh or Pennsylvania.

So it's all good. Hey, switch up the Ps. If you're going to have a state with a P, don't have two major cities with P's also. And that's the rule. Do you know what, dude? If you're going to have a fucking... If you're going to have a city with a P...

If you're going to have a state with a P, don't have a fucking city, two major cities that start with a P. Okay? Whoops. Dude, we got the new jeremy renner uh fucking brown that's the fucking brown you know i go brown a lot that's the fucking truth i i i think last episode was my favorite episode of all time with the jeremy renner shit uh it's so funny to me and uh he got he got And he got in a little bit of heat from the app thing,

which I have an app as well for my thing, which, of course, I didn't do it today. I forgot. But, yeah, it's the same company that does it. It's so funny that the people got upset or people were like, I don't know how that's news. People were like, oh, you talked about Jeremy Renner, but you didn't mention the app.

Is that because you have an app too? And I actually talked about it before that shit came out. I recorded the episode a few weeks ago. People are always trying to catch people online, you know? People are always like, dude, you did a fucking thing, but you're trying to save yourself with the thing. I don't give a fuck. I don't care.

Dude, go ahead. Do the thing to me. Have a fucking, make fun of it. It's fine. It the thing to me. Have a fucking... Make fun of it. It's fine. It still makes me money. The more you talk about it, the more fucking bags I'm getting. So it's all good, dude. Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

I'm also a comedian, dude. It's like, you know? Sometimes I feel as a comedian, like I would feel like one of those guys. You ever see the fucking movie, the movie Shaft? Not the one that came out this time, like a month ago for some reason. The one that came out fucking 10 years ago for some reason. They keep making Shaft. And Samuel L. Jackson is in it now.

And I think he was in it the last one too. What's up with them making sequels 90 years later? You know what I'm talking about? Like what was the one that I just watched? I just watched one. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I saw the preview to Bad Boys. Bad Boys came out in 1942.

And they made a sequel yesterday. I don't get that. Make a sequel immediately after. So we're still invested do you know what i'm talking about um so what was i saying i don't know i don't give a shit man what was i saying even i was talking about yeah but i don't remember what i was talking about after that people trying to take you down whatever i don't know people are trying to take you down it's actually weird the shit that uh you know what's weird about um the thing about uh

uh you know what like okay like take the guy who who got the snl and then he said the slurs the asian slurs or whatever what's weird you know what's weird and obviously like i don't say that shit i don't use those words because you know it just seems to me i don't want to say well it's kind of hacky I mean it's not funny so it's weird to say it's hacky but like it's just like I don't know it's not thoughtful I guess maybe but

the weirdest part about it to me is someone will get whether it be SNL or whatever the fuck it is and then immediately the next day, they'll be like, well, this is what they said fucking nine years ago or even a year ago, and this is racist.

And my point is when somebody gets SNL or whatever it is, a fucking Marvel thing, whatever it is, you know, it happened to James Gunn, I guess he already had the job but um what's the deal with well we got to find out how to take him down i well it doesn't even enter my thought process of okay let's find out let's find it let's find out what the fuck let's find out what he did to fuck him up like i wouldn't even know like i wouldn't even know this guy who did snl i i don't know who he is

but so say he gets snl i don't know he even has a podcast so who's you know he wasn't famous so somebody's actively looking up to go find what this guy did to bury him, I guess. I don't know. I want to know what that is, what that feeling is that you – that blows my mind. That like, okay, well, okay, so he got this. I'm going to go look. And I'm not excusing what he did. What he said, you know, iting what he did what he said you know

it was a racist thing that he said and that's not cool and and i you know it's shitty but it's just fucking weird that people will be like okay well what'd he say then like i saw one tweet that was like we spent all day listening to uh this this guy's podcast and we this wasn't the only thing that we found why are you why are you spending all day to listening to something that you don't like it's weird as shit it's fucking weird as shit It's so weird. I think people have like this sort of like. Weird fucking like, well, people get it. Everyone's this fucking taxi driver character in their mind, you know, where they're just like the full of scum, bitches, fucks heads, fucking assholes.

Pieces of shit, and we're going to take them down. That fucking eerie-ass music. This city is full of scum, fucks, bitches, fuckheads, cunts. What is he saying? Looking at everyone's... Feels like they're looking in the fucking... What do you call it?

Rearview mirror? And really, we're going to find out his fucking Twitter. We're going to find out what he said. 40 fucking years ago. We're going to find out what he said fucking last year about asians because they cast the asians and then we got to find out what the white guy said i think he i think they do that the filth the fucking hookers the cunts i think he says cunts and whoa whoa whoa whoa he says some there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He says there's one thing that's not acceptable now. Where it's just like Robert De Niro's talking about. He's like, the fucks, the bitches, the assholes, the fucking wet dugout cunts. What? Let's look it up. De Niro, dude. You know?

He has a tie now. He has a tie now. Dude, De Niro's the shit. You best believe if I ever got to be as fucking big or as respected as an actor as De Niro, I would do all those fucking movies he's doing now. Those fucking movies, I don't give a shit. What is it called? Taxi Driver?

Driver Monologue? Monologue. You talking to me thing is going to come up, of course. But I'm talking about the fucking beginning. Oh, Voice Over probably. This shit. Thank God for the rain. Here it is. Washes out all the fucking... Oh, it's the 80s, the 70s,

having the long ass fucking walking down the street. This music. I'm working long hours now. Six in the afternoon to six in the morning. Sometimes even eight in the morning. Six days a week. Sometimes seven days a week.

It's a long hustle, but it keeps me real busy. I can take in three, 350 a week. Sometimes even more when I do it off the meter. I fuck to this music. Really fast and hard. Good one time. There it is. There it is. There it is.

There it is. Going too far. Okay. Not bad. All the animals. Whores. Skunk. Pussies.

Buggers. Queens. Fairies. Dopers. Junkies. It's deeper. Sick. Venal.

It's deeper issues. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets whores you know um i guess he doesn't say cunts so i have fucking something going on in my head but um all good thought he said cunts well cancel me i guess um yeah so Uh anyway that's a weird fucking thing It is weird It is weird to me Like I

Like I understand like If you're like doing like Like what he did was not okay The fucking the guy to say the racial shit You know But like that Caroline Calloway thing did you see this Did you guys see the Caroline Calloway thing Like this girl do you know who like that caroline calloway thing did you see this did you guys see the caroline calloway thing like this girl do you know who caroline calloway is this fucking

this girl who uh like got a bunch of followers in instagram and pretended her life was one way and it wasn't and she used somebody that was like a girl that was some girl that would like help her write instagram captions and build a brand for her and it wasn't really her and then she started like selling tickets to a fucking um uh selling tickets to a uh an event that was like a uh i guess a i don't even know what it was like a meet and greet kind of thing that was like a workshop that was like you you're gonna learn how to fucking be the true you and this and that and everyone's like this is a scam and it's like yeah no shit it's a scam and she and she sold tickets for 165 dollars and then didn't book the venue and then was like we're gonna have them all over the country and then canceled them and it was like actually my soul

is telling me to have them in new york so can everybody just fly to new york and everyone's like oh man we already paid for the tickets. And you said you were coming to Chicago. Now, of course, what Caroline Calloway is doing is wrong, but also she's weeding out all the people that are first to go. Okay. If you're buying $165 tickets to find out who you truly are, guess what? You nobody. Guess what you are? Basically a rug. Guess what you are? Basically, this is what you are basically a rug guess what you are basically this what you are all the animals come out at night whores skunk pussies buggers buggers you know so british made it up whores skunk puss Poor skunk pussies. Skunk pussies. Ugh.

A pussy is so like, crass. The fact that he wrote, that he said skunk pussies, ugh. How much did De Niro was like, I'm gonna add skunk in front of pussies. And Scorsese was like, I don't know. I don't know if you need it. And he's like, okay, I won't do it. And he did it anyway.

And then he did it one time and he said not doing it again afterwards. That's what you're using. So what was I saying? Also, what's wrong with fairies? Fairies are beautiful. They fucking fly around and have wings. I think he means gay. So bad.

So bad. So wouldn't be that way now uh what was i talking about the fucking oh yeah carolyn killer so yeah so she she sold these tickets and then didn't book the venues and then was like trying to be like this is a four-hour workshop trying to found out find out who you truly are and like and like like i understand what she's doing is wrong and she's a piece of flying dog shit of course but then there are people like that are like i have to expose her that that that is a weird notion to me because like the writer was like i wanted to write about my toxic relationship with fucking um caroway, and here it is. And now everybody's bashing Caroline Calloway.

And of course she deserves it, but also she's a fucking moron. Why don't we just let her be, like, don't pay attention. I don't know. That's just how I feel about it. This whole, you did this, so you're a fucking horse skunk pussy bugger you know we're gonna wash you out from the we gotta wash the rain that went one day a real rain to come out and wash these

motherfuckers it's weird everybody thinks that their fucking taxi driver is the thing behind a keyboard your taxi driver behind a keyboard and everybody is the real thing is is that nobody i feel like 99 of people even more they don't give a shit like that's the real thing they just want to get they just want to comment like i was looking at some of the caroline kelloway's comments and people were just like you're fucking fake you fuck you and and but they don't even really give a shit you know they're not going to do anything besides that and then people like uh are talking about uh oh you know she'll she'll write like well i know, she wrote something about how like, oh, I wanted to talk about this article

and this is my life now. And I'm going to, she did a post the other day where she was like, I'm going to do coke. Does anybody have coke? And it's like, hey, some stuff is private. If you're going to do coke, do coke, but also don't post on Instagram

about how you're going to do coke, do coke, but also don't post on Instagram about how you're going to do coke. Okay? That's so fucking weird. I was thinking about... God damn, I keep having shit. I need to start taking Ginkgo Biloba or some shit. I just forget shit. People will talk about, you got to take Ginkgo biloba, you'll remember all this stuff.

See you later, dude. Hey, dude. See you later. Not taking ginkgo biloba. Is that what it's called? Ginkgo biloba. Ginkgo biloba. Is that the American term of it? Or is that an actual, like, foreign

thing? I don't know. You know what? I don't't know but you're a skunk pussy skunk pussy so fucking crass um that's the thing about fucking. Bino Ginkgo biloba. Commonly known as Ginkgo or Ginkgo. Okay, cool. Why do definition?

How come every now and then you'll see a definition in a fucking in a in a what do you call them dictionary? And it'll be like, I swear to God, how many times have you seen this? It'll be like commonly known as Ginkgo or Ginkgo. And they'll say the same fucking thing twice, dude. Get it together, Webster. I know it's spelled differently, but I don't give a shit. Both pronounced Ginkgo. Okay. Also known as the maidenhair tree.

So fucking British. It's the only living species in the division Ginkgo fida. Okay. We all just made it up. So what's the deal? Who cares? All others being extinct. It is found in fossils dating back to 270 million years. How do you know? Made it up. Fucking government cover up. Native to China the tree is widely cultivated and was

cultivated early in human history. Okay, well we got that when you said 270 million years ago. It has various uses in traditional medicine and is a source for... You ever go on fucking Wikipedia and they're like, you should donate to Wikipedia and you just skip right past that page because you'd never donate to Wikipedia.

You know, it actually takes a lot of... Hey, Wikipedia, who's running you, skunk pussies? All right, I want to get into something, but let me do these ads. What was the thing I was going to talk about taking someone down? Feel like they were taken down. I can't remember. Dude, I was on a flight.

I don't remember where I was going, but it was incredible. It was the most adorable thing I think I had seen all week or all month. I got on a flight, and there were two – it was too heavy. The flight was too heavy because of too much luggage and fat, so I was on the plane. And they get over the speaker, and the lady was like, so the flight's too heavy. We're offering $800 voucher, and you can get on a different flight, and there's a flight in an hour.

And I hear in the middle of the plane, $800. And I look back, and this dude's like, $800? That's a lot of money. And he says, you want to go? And they're like, we need two people to do it. And he was like, oh, $800? And he looks at it, and he's like, you want to stay? Why they're like, we need two people to do it. And he was like, oh, $800? And he looks at his, he's like, you want to stay? Why don't you go?

You stay with the kids. You go to the destination. I'll go. Or you want to go? And then she was like, we need two people to do it. And he was like, well, why don't I take, can I take? He's like, I'll take my daughter. And that's two, so that's $200, $800?

And they were like, yeah. Like, okay, we'll go. We'll meet you there. There was a flight later. So he leaves. And then she was like, do you want to take, the stewardess was like, do you want to take also your son? And he was like, real? Really?

And she was like, yeah. And he was like, for another $800? And she was like, yeah. And he was like, that's a lot of money. Yeah, you want to go? Let's go. and she was like yeah and he was like that's a lot of money yeah you want to go let's go so this guy's up two two what is it fucking tooth twenty four hundred dollars uh rich and then he's like can my wife come too and she was like i'm sure dude the dude made fucking four

grand he's like all right let's go he's grabbing his suit he's like man that's a lot of money he was walking down there like man that's a lot of money he was walking down the man that's a lot of money man dude the guy made so much he made thousands of dollars it was so cute man he was like hell yeah I'll go yeah I'll fly an hour later who cares he was like partying down the

down the thing he was like let's go I think they left one of the family members it was like the the sister the aunt or something. I was like, see you there. I probably just went to Vegas and lost it all. I can't remember where I was going. I might have been going to Vegas even.

No, it wasn't that. But man, it was cute as shit. It was awesome. I do this, I fly first class a lot and i was doing i was doing the uh i i what happened i i got a flight and i forgot to get the first class and so i just got the comfort plus by mistake comfort plus way better than first class dude and and it's bullshit because i'm in this like thing where it's like i don't want people to like be like oh Chris Lee didn't get first class because it's a fucking ego thing but also the comfort plus shit was awesome you get more leg room and it's not as expensive you just don't get the service but who cares it just means you get less pretzels so I do comfort plus when I go from

Albuquerque to dude I don't go to Albuquerque anymore. I'm back, baby. And I don't have to go to Albuquerque, dude. The fucking fake positivity that I had in my head the whole time. I was like, it ain't that bad. I took a picture of a sunset. I was like, it ain't that bad. Guess what?

It is. Guess what? Move, everyone there. Dude, I was in fucking Albuquerque and people are like what are you doing here because the fucking whole thing went viral dude albuquerque man dry as shit man dry as shit dude when i wake up every two hours and my fucking bed because I couldn't breathe? Yes. Fuck yes. Yes. And I drink so much water, I wake up, I have a fucking portable humidifier.

Did it work? No. Yes. Woo-hoo. My nose is so fucking bloody every time I blow it in the morning. Yes. Fuck yeah, dude. Did they do anything to remedy it?

No. Woo. Is the altitude too high? Yes. Was it so hard to breathe? even getting out of a chair? yes, do a workout so hard and shit did not happen? yes, does that mean that Albuquerque is too high? yes Albuquerque, lower yourself oh but go on hikes leaky diarrhea though but take fucking hikes and look at the sunscape and nobody does sky

better than albac leaky diarrhea dude i'd rather get leaky diarrhea once a week instead of going to albuquerque report on on that. Local news. I don't know why he said that. You know, I mean, we're live here in the street outside of a bathroom. Why did Chris D'Elia, why do you think Chris D'Elia said he'd rather get leaky diarrhea once a week rather than go to Albuquerque? I don't know. I don't know why he would say anything like that. You know, it's like it'll stop people from would say anything like that. It's like it'll stop

people from coming here. It's like it'll stop people from coming here. And it's just not cool because it's not that bad. Dude. Whatever. I don't do coke i never did it never did coke um yeah bro what diarrhea isn't leaky anyway that's like saying skunk pussies it's uh overboard

this is the skunk pussy leaky diarrhea episode all good oh man it's cool how i talk about all the real shit that's going on in the world huh um my my uh my my opener dude this is remember you know how i talk about my opener a lot and about how fucking dingbatty he is bro this shit made me want to do rapid fire punches into his fucking jaw. Okay. Burgers. Everyone knows burgers are fucking amazing. Okay. If you think burgers aren't amazing, then you got no brain. And that's very obvious because burger. Here's the other thing too. I fully believe burgers are a snack. If you eat one burger and you're full, that's it, dude. You have a small tummy, but that has got a big tummy.

Okay. So when I eat one one burger you know what i want immediately after another burger even if it has two patties on it hey that doesn't help i want two burgers because a burger is a snack a burger is like having if you have one burger that's like having some peanuts if you have two burgers it's like a meal okay Glad we figured it out. End of discussion. Do not tweet me about it. Okay? A burger is a snack. Dunzo. So, if you eat one and that's it, you're a skunk pussy.

Now, that's obvious. Eat one burger. Okay? So, my opener is always like, I'd rather go for the chicken sandwich now chicken sandwiches are great as well however i don't need you know they're a little healthier i feel like so i'll eat chicken sandwich mostly but of course i would always want a burger and he's like no burgers aren't aren't good i don't like burgers i'd rather get a sandwich or whatever and i'm like well you're fucking crazy dude that's annoying that you pretend not to like burgers because burgers

are so good. Do you know why? Because burgers. So this motherfucker did what like a fucking 16 year old chick would do. Like I used to know this girl that lost her virginity in Italy and that shit pissed me off because she got swept up in the moment. Hey, fucking Detroit, then go to Italy. You know what I'm talking about? It's so fucking romantic to be like, well, when I was studying abroad, I met this guy and everyone called him El Capitano and we had sex in his farmhouse and he took me on his scooter. Fucking Detroit, then study abroad. So anyway, this guy goes to Amsterdam because he's like, dude, when else am I going to go to Amsterdam? OK, cool.

His buddy was out there, took a trip to Amsterdam. My opener, Michael Inocchi, got to Amsterdam, ate a burger in Amsterdam. All right, fine. He says it's the best burger he's ever had. Okay. Now, anger level is rising. Okay. Because we know burgers are very American.

And the best burgers are 100 of course in america here's the other thing if you don't think burgers the best burgers are in america they're definitely not in amsterdam okay so now i'm pissed but i'm listening right daddy's got an open mind he tries to let his anger level subside. Okay. So he's talking and he says, yeah, I had the best burger I ever had in Amsterdam. And I go, that's fucking ridiculous, but I'm still trying to keep an open mind. And he says, and I kept eating burgers in Amsterdam. And guess what? The burgers in Amsterdam are way better than the burgers in America. Now I sit back. And I'm very angry of course. And I say.

Say what you said again. And he says. All the burgers are in Amsterdam. They really know how to do a burger. And I said. Oh. Dude. That's so annoying.

Because here's why dude. You don't eat burgers in America. because you say you don't like burgers. Then in Amsterdam, you start eating burgers and you think, whoa, these burgers are awesome and they're better than the ones in America. But really, all you're doing, dude, is opening your fucking mind to burgers. You just started eating burgers and started liking burgers like i fucking told you motherfucker you like burgers like i said dude you don't like amsterdam burgers you just like burgers. Dude, burgers are the shit no matter where you go, dude.

What are you talking about? This guy's over in fucking Amsterdam eating burgers just like... Oh, what the fuck, dude? Are you kidding me? These burgers rock in Amsterdam, dude. They're good in America, man. Get out of here with the fucking shit. Eat burgers in America.

Now he's not eating burgers in America because he thinks the burgers are good in Amsterdam. Dude, what kind of fucking lunatic lifestyle do you live in? That's fucking laughable dude this guy's over in fucking fucking Amsterdam just thinking he figured some shit out dude that's insane to me

I will never do that shit to you motherfuckers I will never do that shit to you motherfuckers I don't let my shit go nuts just cause I'm in another country, dude. And you don't get swept up, dude. Imagine being in Paris and falling in love. Get the fuck out of here.

This shit is real life, dude. It ain't romantic. It's real life. You still got to go to Target and Costco and shit. You're not fucking Jerry Maguire. That movie ended early. He got fat afterwards. Come on, dude.

The romantic burgers in Amsterdam. Bullshit. Be you. That's what I'm saying. You need to come to a seminar for me. Fuck Caroline Calloway. And I'll do it for free, dude. Fuck this Jared Leto thinking he's got a cult.

This shit is real life. We don't mention Jared Leto on this podcast. I've decided that, actually. I decided that today and I said his name and it's fine and people are fucking tweeting me oh jared leto really has a real cult dude are you fucking this is a real cult and we get it and he fucking stays drinking ice americano dude i'm gonna check my my text because i'm disrespect um um um i don't know it is what it is it is what it is farting farting um yeah so don't eat a burger in amsterdam and then think the thing is the thing.

Dude, I saw this documentary about – well, it started to be about baseball cards. I decided to watch it. It's called Jack of All Trades. And I started watching it because it was about baseball cards, and I used to collect baseball cards, and I wanted it to be – I wanted it to be nostalgic. I wanted to see all the cards. I had Ken Griffey Jr.'s Upper Deck Rookie card

and all this shit and that was the card. Apparently, they mass produced it and now it's not even worth it. Baseball cards aren't worth much. So the whole thing was this guy wanted to make a documentary about why baseball cards

aren't worth anything anymore and it turned out that the guy who was behind the camera like the director of it not the subject of it wanted to make it about him reconnecting with his father because his father just up and left him the family and like never fucking explained why and they never saw him in like 20 years and so it it turned into like him trying to like reconnect with his father. And it was like it took me by surprise. Now, had I known that the documentary was about a kid trying to reconnect with his father, I wouldn't watch that. Because why do I want to feel all those extra emotions when I've got shit going on inside my body anyway?

I just want to look. They took me for a ride like they took this dude for a ride. Anyway, it was funny, man, because this guy's like, I just want to make a documentary about baseball cards. And the director was like, nobody gives a shit about a documentary about what happened to baseball cards, man. I want to reconnect you to your father. And the guy was like, I don't want to do that. Fuck him. And guess what?

He ended up doing it because the movie's out. Obviously, he ended up doing it. Otherwise, it's not a good movie, and he sits and talks to his dad, and the dad is a bona fide sociopath. He just left the kid and the family and the wife and started a new family and then doesn't also talk to that family either,

and he was like, at the end, the kid was like, you traded baseball cards. It was just like, you know, that the kid was like, you traded baseball cards. It was just like, you know, that's what you are. You traded families, just like baseball. And I was like, ah, so poetic, dude. It was really kind of good, dude. It made me feel. Come out at night.

Whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies. Sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. Silverboard. Anyway, I'm not saying you should watch it or anything, but it was nice. I watched the whole thing flu made a girl's butthole on stage you see that i don't even know what kind of music flume does but apparently fucking that night he played the fart box Dude, Flu made a girl's butthole on stage.

Hey, guy, do music. Flu meets his girlfriend's ass. Everyone back off and let Flu. This is the thing that I don't like. Celebrating that is so gross to me. Hey, guy, make music. Do you make music? Is that your job?

Then don't eat a girl's butthole while you're on the job. Hey, dude, if you're in fucking, you know, Starbucks and you work at Starbucks and you eat a girl's butthole on the job, you're fired. Hey, pack your bags. What happens between one person's mouth and another person's butthole and a crowd of Burning Man attendees is their business. Here's the thing, vice. Vice, dude. Vice, dude.

Vice, man. Are you fucking serious, Vice? Vice tried to cancel fucking comedy, and then they got the nerve to be like, what happens between one person's mouth and another person's butthole and a crowd of Burning Man attendees is their business. Hey, Vice, dude. Vice, man man what you doing don't eat someone's butt don't eat someone's back don't eat someone's back box on the job

Don't eat someone's back box on the job. That's so fucking gross. And I'm not even, like, Republican. But, like, don't eat someone's butthole on the job. Yo, Burning Man is fucking gross as shit. Talk about dry and hot and, like, why do I want to be there? It's so uncomfortable. And you have to wear like all brown and a face mask and have a fucking swinging dildo attached to your belt or some shit. Fucking cooters. That's what people talk about how

fucking cute kid. That's the cruelest joke in the world by the way that's the cruelest joke to humanity is how kids are so cute and adorable i mean just so cute you just want to hold them and shake them and eat them all up right they're just adorable the little cheeks and their fat fucking thighs i want to hold them in my arm and just rock them to sleep. And then that kid grows up to be some fucking gross adult. Just some adult that's just farting and hocking loogies. You know? Eating butts while making music.

You grow up and you just become a fucking adult that has shit ass opinions. You know, you say stuff like, well, I'm not racist because I have black friends, you know, and you were a cutie shit kid with some edible thighs. And now you're just some shithole adult that's like got BO.

All the animals come out at night. Whores, skunk pussies, buggers. And now you're a skunk pussy. You know? You were cute. Remember that? Let's all try to be positive, man. Let's all try to just not be skunk pussies.

Let's grow up and stay cute that's what we're talking about that's why i call you guys babies man we're trying to get back to that embryo stage and be cute as shit lounging around fucking and sucking loving talking about ideas you know i'm flumes up here eating butts on stage just so high so it's just an odd one i want to see Joker. I want to see that movie, dude. Real bad.

It looks like an updated current version of Taxi Driver. Todd Phillips was at my show last night. That fucking tripped me out. That was really cool. And I talked to him. And, uh... You know? I like him.

I can't wait to see that movie. That movie's going to kill. I think it's going to win the Oscar. Joaquin Phoenix is a really good actor. It's fucking crazy when someone's a good, good actor, like me and Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah. Dude, Flew made a butt on stage, you know?

Hey, man, don't you have mom? Don't you have a mom? Oh, imagine his mom just like, oh, Flume. I was talking about the other day that I can't read. I don't know. Like reading articles is so hard to me because it's like there's so many names and articles and shit. But also like whenever an article has a graph in it, I'm done. You know what I mean?

Like, dude, you got the nerve to put a fucking graph in your article. I don't give a shit if it's a Venn diagram. I don't know what the middle means. Bro, if you're asking me to look at, and then this is the year it peaked, and then it went, and then this is, and then it went, but because of society, and it went down, and then I'm done, dude. And then this is a comparable to China. I don't know. Okay, what? You're going to is a comparable to China. I don't know. Okay. What?

You're going to put green and blue bars? I don't know. Bro, I can't read a graph. A graph might as well be Arabic. I don't know. Just explain it to me. That's how dumb I am. A graph.

I'm done with a graph. I don't get it all these skunk pussies using graphs oh you want to look at some deserve it scale submissions you guys talking about

you guys sent me some fucking deserve it scale stuff about people who are high on the deserve it deserve it deserve it scales so drunk

let's look at some of these here about people who are high on the deserve it scales. So drunk. Let's look at some of these here. I haven't looked at these yet. Oh, wow. Oh, that's so funny, dude. Guy gets so mad walking at the person. I don't know why. And he's so mad and he walks into a pole.

Looks like Santa. And he's so mad. This is the classic example of someone taking something out on someone because something else happened. He's mad. This guy's walking across the car. He's yelling at the guy. And he walks into a pole. And after he walks into a pole, he gets even more mad at the guy.

Displaced. and after he walks into a pole, he gets even more mad at the guy. So displaced. Wow. Love it. I love it. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. How come they can make music like that? You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. How come they can make music like that? You're such a fucking hoe.

I love it. Dude. Oh, have you seen this one? I caught up with Chelsea and Michael who were jogging by and were nice to just stop for a quick second. First of all, this is already so goddamn boring. Like, don't catch up with anyone jogging. You know? Oh, you got joggers opinions? Oh, hold up.

Hey, joggers, what do you think? How boring are joggers? So it's so snowy here. And this is the metro weather somewhere. WSU, Vancouver, Vancouver. All Saturday events are canceled. So we're catching up with some joggers, and they're still jogging even though it's snowing. So the deserve it scale is at an all-time high because don't jog when everything is canceled because of weather.

But these people are like, you know what? We've got swept up in the moment. We're the kind of guys that sleep with El Capitano in Italy. We're the kind of guys that think burgers in Amsterdam are the best. With Chelsea and Michael who are jogging by and we're nice to just stop for a quick second. And I said, what are you doing running? And you're saying it was really good out? It's the perfect texture for running. hey you fucking yoga teacher dude are you shitting me

you might as well have just said i don't eat meat that's all i talk about because you're so annoying the perfect texture for running the first of all honestly anytime someone says the word texture is you're unless you're a fucking you lay tile you're an asshole you know the perfect texture for my guess is the perfect texture for face planting too because i have a feeling that's what's going to be happening perfect texture for running very low impact on its drive let me guess if the cuck agrees let's see if you don't get wet what have you seen while you've been out running it's been a lot of fun there's a lot of other runners and more skiers than runners for sure i think they've got a little bit of the advantage with the whole stride and glide thing but it's too nice to not be out here yeah dude it's snowing

it's snowing. It's snowing, man. It's incredible, though, just to see even people still on their bicycles. Yeah, I don't know how they do with the bikes, like braking. Well, you're doing it running. Just go inside, man. Watch Seinfeld. At least we can control, you know, worst case, we can just slide right through

a stop sign. Worst case, dude, this guy, it's so high on the Deservet scale because it's control you know at worst case we can just slide right through a stop sign and worst case dude this guy it's so high on the deserve it scale because it's snowing and he's talking about they're talking about how the texture is good for running and they want to fucking be you know what fuck we're not going to let the weather hold us back even though it's not safe to do it and also he's being so cocky about it i mean listen to the shit he's saying look you know i don't know how they do with the bikes like braking at least we can control you know at worst case we can just like giving the bikers a little bit hey man got to give them credit even though he thinks deep down he's

getting the credit you know what i mean because like he he's like let me just like pass off the credit to the bikers who really are the heroes this This guy fucking knows people. The people who are like the followers are going to be like, well, you know. But you're the real hero. You don't even use a bike, though. I'll tell you. And that's the hard thing. And this guy knows that those people are out there.

So their observance scale is off the charts, dude. They're bicycles. Yeah. I don't know how they do it with the bikes. Yeah, bro. Because then he thinks we're going to think, well, we don't know how you do it without the bikes. At least we can control, you know. Oh, you can, can you?

We can just slide right through a stop sign and we'll be okay because we're pretty visible at night. Did it surprise you, the snow? Um, this much of it, I think. When we woke up this morning, we were definitely surprised by how much there was. We were sort of joking that it was a nice dusting but the reality is this is a this is a real chunk of snow giving hood let me just tell you let me just ask you right now if you're listening to this right now and not watching it on the video guess if these people are white for its money yeah no kidding yeah we're both california kids so we haven't had many snow days

in our lives this is pretty exciting all right we'll go ahead and keep on the run and sorry to have kept you but i appreciate you guys talking with us all right thanks we've seen a lot of people out here like he said running sledding just enjoying it and oops she that can happen unfortunately and she ate shit oops that can happen, unfortunately. Okay. Thanks, scientist. Thanks. We've seen a lot of people out here, like you said, running, sledding, just enjoying it. One thing, oops, that can happen, unfortunately.

Dude, the background is so sad. I feel bad, actually, because she looked like she hurt. I wish he fell. I don't like when the girl falls. Kept you, but I appreciate you guys talking with us. All right, thanks. We've seen a lot of people out here, like you said, running, sledding, just enjoying it. One thing, oops, that can happen. I love the fucking, well, of course, behind the oops in the newscaster.

Oops. Oops. Oops. That can happen. Knew these people were idiots, and you can tell. Listen to the oops, how much she knew. Sorry to have kept you, but I appreciate you guys talking with us. All right, thanks. We've seen a lot of people out here, like you said, running, sledding, just enjoying it.

One thing, oops, that can happen. Oh, God, you know? That oops is great. Let's look at YouTube comments, one of my favorite things. Oh, look, how do you like the texture now? It's a dick. Oh, wow. People are crazy, huh? Cameraman is og for continuing to film them

it's actually funny because i did think about like well that's odd how he's filming him for so long dry snow you know when people say dry snow hey do you know what snow is water here's another one deserve Deserved scale. Let's see what this one is. I've never seen this one. Okay. Guy is running full speed at night. First of all, never run full speed at night because you can't see. All right. You're running. I mean, this guy's running full speed. Oh, he's streaking in the quad. Oh, he's at school? Go streaking in the quad!

Oh! Right in the glass like he's a fucking Yorkie. Right in the glass. Like he's a dog. Like he's a beagle. like he's a dog like he's a beagle oh full speed I had into the fucking glass

what look at that you know what's fucking so not funny streaking you just like go streaking the people in the court it's like a tennis call he was going to try to run through the tennis court but there was glass people in there were just like what the fuck is this asshole doing like so didn't give him a reaction

wow what's there Oh, I already love this one. Oh, wow. Okay, so when someone thinks they're badass, that's the best. So this guy... Camera on him. Just filming his buddy walking. And he's doing, like, dancing. Okay, don't watch that one, because the guy maybe died.

He definitely didn't die, but also don't look at that one. That one was so fucking... They gotta be funny, guys. I mean, who are you fucking saying? Oh, I've seen this one. She fucking rockets the thing. She's pulling back the catapult thing.

It goes right in the guy's face. Or her face. Like, why is this a thing? Taking watermelons, catapulting them across. Oh. Oh, my God. Right in the kisser, show that guy who's boss, flies forward, comes back, smashes her in her own face. Okay, so she died. Hey died hey guys don't send the

ones where they die okay why did nobody react to they just went oof hey the girl died yeah deserve it skills wow those are fucking i don't know, man. What do you guys think of the fucking... I'm a shoe guy. What do you guys think of the Yeezy foam runners? But I don't know. I don't know if I fucking like them. They'll grow on me.

That's everything. Yeezy, I think Kanye just put shit out that he knows kind of is a little bit ridiculous and people are just to see what he can get away with and i know that's like a common thing to think that that's what he's doing but i mean those easy foam runners are just like they look like crocs a little bit i don't i think i'm gonna get them i literally said i don't and i was gonna say i don't think i'm gonna get them them. I literally said I don't, and I was going to say I don't think I'm going to get them and switched it in the middle because I think I will get them.

That's how I turned on them. They keep releasing the same colors, dude. They're like, it's new. We released cloud, white, opaque, and fucking, you know, milk. And you're like, well, these are all the same. Anyway. Fuck.

I'm stretching on you, motherfuckers. I hope that, I'm really excited to shoot my special I'm doing that in November In Minneapolis it's sold out I'm doing two of them I'm excited to do that for Netflix And it's all good But I have

I have to go now So thanks for listening I really enjoy you guys listening to this podcast And I like doing it But I have to go now. So thanks for listening. I really enjoy you guys listening to this podcast, man. And I like doing it. And tell your friends about this podcast. Because listen, dude, I'm not going to fucking keep doing this podcast if our numbers don't grow. I'm trying to make this cult happen.

Honestly, I said we wouldn't talk about Jared Leto. And he's pissing me off with this cult thing. Because this is the real cult, and you know it, and this has been a cult way before that fucking guy, you know, he's a good actor, whatever you want to say, he's a handsome guy, you know, but that's what's up, so anyway, you've been listening to Congratulations, and you got to go to, let me pull my website up again, since I didn't fucking keep it, so I'm pissed about that, so that's great, we're going to go to let me pull my website up again since i didn't fucking keep it so i'm pissed about that so that's great um we're gonna go to uh you can download my app i forgot to do it today uh but santa barbara i'm gonna be in san diego uh foxwoods connecticut bethlehem pennsylvania rochester new york all these detroit and royal oak things are flying new buffalo

fucking michigan loves your boy uh michigan loves your boy. Fucking Michigan loves your boy. Michigan loves your boy. Minneapolis loves your boy. Tampa, Florida. I just added a third show. This shit is bonkers. They love me in Florida. Melbourne, Florida. Hollywood, Florida.

El Paso, Texas. Houston. Added another one in Houston. Your boy can't get out of the South, you know? Support the show. Check out the MyBookie bets between Brian Callen and I. There's still time to bet. Time left to bet.

And it's all good, babies. Have a good one. And let's try to stay positive, dude, you know. And I love you guys. Crazy. Crazy to think about that some people people listen this podcast have killed people before you know just the sheer volume of it so many people listen to this podcast

and some of you have killed people and if you're listening right now and you have killed someone don't fucking kill someone again all right really it's fucked up we'll see you at the lockout out of the way.