Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 14. Twitter!

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

It's the 14th episode, and we're still coming to you from rainy Toronto! In today's discussion, Chris talks about Fyre Festival because of course. Also discussed: Jean Claude Van Damm and his new Twitter account, people who leave voicemails, TED talks, technology and exponential growth, robots, infomercials, and a whole bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else. Today's episode was brought to you by Square Cash. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey guys how's it going today's fucking show is brought to you by Square Cash. Square Cash is an absolute, you know what, it's the best way to pay people for things. Anything. Send money. It's totally free and fast. And the most payments that you have on this, the most payments that you do, can be deposited directly into your bank account in seconds.

So download the free Square Cash app for iPhone or Android now. Now, if you don't have an iPhone or Android, change it. What up, everybody? You know what? How is, how are you? Um, this is congratulations episode, I don't know. I don't know, I never know what episode it is. But that's kind of the beauty of it. I just kind of get in there and I fucking...

You know? I'm not thinking about numbers. I'm thinking about you guys. All right? Definitely not thinking about you guys. I'm just kind of talking. So here I am. I'm still in Toronto.

I'm doing this movie. And I am... It's pouring. It's fucking pouring out i got one hoodie and a jacket and i gotta wear both of them if it's even if it is cold but if it wasn't cold i'd still have to fucking wear both of the things because it helps the rain uh not touch my face and hair and you know i'm not a diva or anything it's just annoying when that happens to have fucking things hitting your face even if it's water um don't ever have things hitting your face never want things hitting my face dude one time i was uh before we get into it one time i

was in high school i think i was already graduated in my my one of my brother's friends he was like a big guy and his thing was that he was the big guy and people were like horsing around at this like party in high school and this guy like touched his face as a joke and he got real serious and he was like hey man don't touch my face man I have a thing I have a thing where like people don't

don't touch my face and I remember even then I must have been 19 thinking this guy's full of fucking shit you know what do you mean that's And I remember even then, I must have been 19 thinking, this guy's full of fucking shit. You know? What do you mean that's a thing? You know what I'm talking about? That's just your face.

This is my hand. If I touch it, I touch it. What do you mean it's a thing? You got fucking, like he didn't, he wasn't a crazy person. Didn't have, you know, wasn't an insane lunatic. He was just a big guy. didn't have you know wasn't an insane lunatic he was just a big guy i don't like when people like have things and try to develop the things because and then they hide they hide behind those things because they think that's their identity now i don't mean to get all dr phil on your ass

but you don't really have things we're just beings on a planet okay we're fucking animals on a planet so you don't have a thing You touch my face, maybe I don't like it, but it's not a thing You just touch my face And don't touch it So things are hitting my face because it's raining all the time Sounds like a fucking Garth Brooks song Slick stuff, raw stuff

Things are hitting my face all the time Not like that Well, I actually don't like that. Because I have a thing about you in my face. Down in my face. So, yeah. I'm here still in Toronto doing the movie. I'm one of the supporting roles.

It's a bigger role. It's probably like the fourth. There's some stars and then me some fucking joker boy um but uh so uh i'm i'm not in it's the movie's basically about two people and it's them uh in it and then everyone else is like in it sometimes. So I got a lot of downtime, which means boredom. And I said, I was bored last night on Snapchat or something in Toronto. And people were like, dude, you're fucking asshole. Toronto's not boring. Nah, I wasn't saying Toronto's boring. I was saying I was fucking being boring and I was just being, you know, but, um, yeah, whatever. I was still chilling though, man.

I was still fucking happy just laying around with just a shirt on in my hotel bed. That's some boss shit. You understand? Laying around in a hotel bed with just your shirt on? Who the fuck am I? Don Draper? Huh? See, yeah.

see yeah I went on I had about 3,000 fucking Facebook requests and I went through all of them I don't know why that's how bored I was oh and saw the 10 bands thing that people have been doing

on Facebook oh 10 here 10 bands I've seen. One of them is a lie. Which one's a lie? And then literally they will go around, 10 bands I've seen. And they'll be like, Blink-182, RZA, fucking Garth Brooks, Puddle of Mud. Smash Mouth. Incubus. Papoose.

Third Eye Blind. Sound Garden. Dishwalla. Soundgarden, Dishwalla. Fucking literally can't think of another band. But then they'll be like, Oh, which one's a lie?

And then the friends are like, Fucking dude, there's no way you went to go see Soundgarden. That's the lie. Or, RZA doesn't make sense with that. Or Papoose. You didn't go see Papoose. And then I guess they tell them at the end.

That's, if you're the kind of person that puts, you got to, I don't know, man. I guess you're either a bored ass housewife or a guy with no job or a fucking complete narcissist. Dude, imagine going up to somebody in the world and being like that. You kind of know, like an acquaintance, because that's what Facebook is. And being like, hey, man. Hey, dude. Well, what's up, dude? I haven't seen you in a while. Oh, man. Cool to see you again, And being like, hey, man. Hey, dude. Well, what's up, dude?

I haven't seen you in a while. Oh, man. Cool to see you again. Dude, I'm going to name, I'm going to rattle off 10 fucking concerts I've been to. You guess which one's a lie. That other person should be like this. Nah, go fuck yourself. I'll just do my day. That's insane that somebody would care about that or give a fuck.

saying that somebody would care about that or give a fuck um 10 concerts one's a lie p.s i'm an idiot don't fucking post dumb ass shit hey all right fellas here we go it's been going around just put the first the last picture you took on your camera roll, post it here. Fucking, no cheating. Or, or, or, uh, put up a pic of me. You and me. If you have a pic of you and me, put it up. Don't even care if I look like the fucking guy with the bent ear from the Goonies. Do it.

See what I, and then do it and then repost it. See what kind of pictures you get. Nah. Dude, I don't think that's the slick stuff that Garth Brooks was talking about when he was on Facebook. Don't think it was. don't think it was um by the way news news news news fucking john claude van damme has a twitter dude john do you understand what i'm saying john claude van damme has a twitter that's good okay love john claude van damme and uh let's see he posted a video and people were sending it to me because because this is the video he sent and put it on hi friends welcome to my official twitter account

and there's a video of him on a rock with a hat on and sunglasses the rock is overseeing the um ocean on a rock with a hat on and sunglasses. The rock is overseeing the ocean. Twitter. Twitter. That's it. Twitter. Twitter. That's it. It's two seconds. That's what he says.

Twitter. Twitter. I mean, is there anything funnier? Twitter. I'm going to get on this rock Son of a bitch I'm going to sit down You know what I like to think that Jean-Claude Van Damme

Woke up one morning and was like By the way maybe I thought for at first It would be the best if he lived right at that beach And that's where his house was Overlooking the ocean because obviously he's got a lot of money. My favorite though is if he lives in the city and he wakes up. And he wakes up and he's like, do you know what?

Today is the day where I am getting a Twitter. Son of a bitch, get in the Audi and I'm going to go to, do you know what we do? We go to the beach, we go to the beach and we drive all the way out there. I have a spot where I do meditation and I get on the rock and I look out of into the vast ocean. And that is when you film me saying Twitter. And that is my first tweet. You film me saying Twitter. And that is my first tweet.

That is, to me, if that's his day, then that's the best thing for me. For me, selfishly, to think of Jean-Claude Van Damme doing that and driving from the city to the rock that he goes to meditate on to be like twitter and and and then he probably shot it a few times like this two second video where he was just like where he checked it we did it once and then he's like bitch ass assistant or is like uh wife or or like one of the side guys he fucks for sure and not even in a gay way you know he fucks dudes but like in a like you know not he's not gay but he's just like you have to you have to fuck guys and you and and his other friends will be like why and he'd be like because it is a wonderful thing to experience all of the things in life. And then they're like, but Jean-Claude, that's gay.

And he says, it is not gay. Don't say that. It is powerful and also an experience. And he fucks guys on that rock. And then when he fucking busts a nut, he's like, Twitter. So he takes the fucking thing to the rock. And he was like Okay shoot me

Here we go Twitter Let me see And then he looks And it was like And then when he When he checks it He goes like this

This is what it is Twitter No let's do it again And then he gets on the rock And action Twitter Cut Let me see

Twitter That's the one And then he goes Get in the Audi And drives all the way back to the city And then fucks a guy Because of Let's fuck

Let's fuck now guy But I'm not gay Neither am I Drop your pants here we go that's the Jean-Claude Van Damme I want to believe in so that I mean that's fucking hilarious to me. There's only things as funny as that to me. If that really happened, then, oh, by the way, guess if Jean-Claude Van Damme was in a fucking wife beater or not when he shot that video?

He was because he's Jean-Claude Van Damme. Has Jean-Claude Van Damme ever not worn a wife beater? Even when he has to dress up in a suit, he's definitely got a wife beater under it. There's no way. There is no way. He either has a wife beater under it. There's no way. There is no way. He either has a wife beater on always or no shirt, period. There is no way Jean-Claude Van Damme has ever in his life not had a wife beater on. Like one time, his publicist was like, well, you got to wear a tux.

I brought it. And he was like, where's my wife beater, bitch? And she was like, oh, I don't know you. And he goes like this, you got to wear a tux. I brought it. And he was like, where's my wife beater, bitch? And she was like, oh, I don't know you. And he goes like this, you're fired. And she says, oh, my gosh, but I've been working with you for years. And he says, then you know I always wear wife beater under anything. One time I went scuba diving and I was wearing wife beater under it. See you on Twitter.

I have a Twitter under it. See you on Twitter. So, that's for sure what it was. That's how I like to imagine him. That's enough talking about Jean-Claude Van Damme. Also, I kind of feel like, I mean, I know it's Jean-Claude, but if you're in America, mostly say Jean-Claude. Or you could do like a marrying of the two, Jean-Claude. But if you're a fucking straight up American and you're like all of a sudden talking and then you're like, well, yeah, Jean-Claude Van Damme, you piece of shit.

Sweat char. All right, dude. what char um all right dude look everybody's been tweeting me about this and i find it a compliment because i like to know that you guys know that you guys um want to know my thoughts on this and i talked about it on twitter on twitter you guys and i know you want to you did it and i know you did it, and here's the thing. I talked about it on Twitter a bit, but this Fyre Festival, I keep wanting to say Fry because of the way it looks because they spelled it with a fucking Y to be cool, which is so stupid. All right? To be cool.

Which is so stupid. All right. I don't know what. By the way, I don't know what Coachella means. But at least make it. Stage coach. I know it's a word or whatever. But like they kept it real.

Stage coach. You didn't fucking hip hop it up. You fucking dorks. Coachella is its own thing. I don't know what that means. It sounds like a word that's made up. And they made it up. Cool. Spell it however you want to.

But Fire Festival. There's your dead giveaway. You spelled it with a Y. All right. Look, there's so many dead giveaways. I don't know if you know about the Fire Festival, if you know what happened or not. But it was this thing that blew up fucking all over the other day and Instagram. And dude, I mean, it's this festival that was created in the past few months. I don't know how to describe this, but you know, you know,

you know what it is. Look, just Google it. All right. Google it or just go on fucking Twitter and look. Hashtag the fire festival. Spell it with a Y. But, dude, I mean, it's this festival that was in the Bahamas that they fucking said was going to be amazing and it wasn't. And these idiots, because they basically paid these social media stars like thousands of dollars to promote it on their instagrams and maybe i don't know but so they're they're there's these influencers they gave these influencers influencers money to post about it even kendall jenner did it by the way kendall jenner rough month man with the fucking pepsi and then also the fucking fire festival. This thing went down in fucking shambles. It was Ja Rule.

By the way, I read about it. And Ja Rule said something like there was a toast when the fire festival was starting. Not when it was starting, but when they decided to get it going. They were unsure if it was going to work out. And they decided it was going to work out. And they were going to prep it. Ja Rule said something like, let us eat like Kings and live like fucking whatever and fuck like porn stars or whatever. You 45 don't say shit like that. Okay.

But dude, so anyway, these people spent from $500 to $12,000 to go on this island. And, dude, they were promised like swimming pigs and like Blink-182 and Ja Rule. Hey, dude, I will literally – and nothing against these guys. Some of these guys' music I even like. But I would literally pay five grand to get out of doing that. And I'm not joking. If somebody said to me, hey, do you want to go to the Bahamas and listen and watch Blink-182 and Ja Rule and be with a bunch of swimming pigs? Ja Rule and be with a bunch of swimming pigs?

Because that's on the itinerary? I would say, how much do I have to pay to get out of doing that? And I'm not being funny right now. I know this is a comedy podcast, but you don't understand, dude. They said it was going to be like a culinary experience. They served them bread with fucking cheese and wilted lettuce. People were trapped there because there were too many people on the Bahamas or something, on this island, and the fucking Bahamas was like, we got to keep them in the airport. They locked them in.

Dude, who the fuck hears about a festival, pays thousands of dollars to go when the festival's never been done before, and Ja Rule and Blink-182 are the headliners, and you're going to be with pigs? You're going to be with pigs? Dude, I love how somebody was like, marketing genius, dude. Talk about Don Draper. Oh, but there's pigs on this island. They're never going to want to come because pigs. Hey, who the fuck wants to be around a pig? I got a question for you.

You farmer? Hey, hey. You farmer? You're not farmer. You person. You're a regular person with a day job, and that day job doesn't consist of you being a farmer. So why the fuck? If somebody goes to me, hey, hold this pig. I go like this.

Nah, find someone else to hold it. I'm going to go over in the direction where the pig isn't. But I love how they flipped it on their ass and they were like, just tell them the fucking pigs are they'll get to be with swimming pigs. Like that's a thing. Swimming pigs. Dude, if you put any animal in a fucking body of water,

they're swimming, it doesn't mean it's a fucking event, dude, if I put my dog in the pool, if I said, hey, guys, come over, I have a swimming dog in the pool if i said hey guys come over i have a swimming dog in the pool people be like go fuck yourself all right i mean if your dog's cute cool but dude what dude fuck this fire festival and then jaw roll people dragged jaw rule on it if you went dude you need stimulation that's the thing man i know i was talking about it on the other fucking podcast but dude just be you don't have to jump on every fucking i know somebody that went to fucking both weeks at coachella and one and and also stage coach how sad are you if you've done that?

How much stimulation? Can't you just be happy just being? No, because you're a cuda. You're a cuda. You see something and you go, what's that? Gotta go. You're a cuda. You're a bear-a-fucking-cuda, man, that sees a shiny ass bracelet on a boat,

I mean, dude, they paid these fucking, and this thing was promoted through influencers, you know what an influencer is, this is another, here's another word for an influencer, you know why, because that's not a word. Because an influencer is nothing. It's not a thing. You live in Bondi all day? Fuck it. Bondi every day, man. The Fyre Festival was Bondi to the nth degree man nah nah i loved seeing those pictures of those fucking disaster relief tents they were like luxury accommodations and they put up fucking white tents like they were in a fucking suicide uh cult like they were all going to drink some fucking poison Kool-Aid. Dude, if you went to a fire festival, straight up, you fucking idiot. You are.

You don't need all the info. That's hilarious. You know what you are? You believe in fake news. That's what that was. Fake fucking news. Yeah, come on. We got Ja Rule.

We got Blink-182. It's going to cost you thousands of dollars. Fake fucking news. Yeah, come on. We got Ja Rule. We got Blink-182. It's going to cost you thousands of dollars. Culinary experience. Say no more, fam. Swimming pigs. I said say no more, but fuck it. Where's the jet? Swimming pigs?

I mean, they flip that on their ass, dude. It's like marketing 101. I mean, I don't know shit about marketing, but it's like, oh, yeah, but no, but I don't want to go to that city. It's dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's promote it like this. Hey, let's go to the city. You never know what could happen.

Oh, really? Sounds mysterious. And you go there fucking stabbed, shot, robbed. Oh, this. Somebody should have told me we did. You fucking idiot. You bought into marketing. You fucking lemming you lemming you could

dude your life's a fucking masterpiece if you make it that way don't fucking go to some island my god i mean every show every tv show they've made about about an island it's all been a disaster lost gilligan's island all other ones too probably i don't know for sure unbelievable um um yeah but that was my favorite thing of of 2017 the fucking uh um uh what do you call it a fire festival they even were lazy with the fire festival like all this shit burning man all this shit like Burning Man, all this shit like that, go buy, um, so, I don't know, man, um, um i uh i got a uh

i got a uh uh what do you call it um two no that's what i want to talk about. I got two fucking, I got a voicemail from my, I got two voicemails, one from a fucking friend and the other one from a friend that I haven't talked to in a while. And I don't check the voice. Do you check voicemails? I mean, I know a lot of people check voicemails,

but there's text messaging. Like,, honestly, unless you're a fucking dad with a kid over fucking 16 or a mom, who's checking voicemails? It's weird. Who's leaving them? I don't check them, dude. People leave me voicemails. I don't check them. I haven't talked to them. They're like check them, dude. People leave me voicemails. I don't check them. I haven't talked to them.

They're like, hey, man, I left your voicemail. Nah. Did you text me like a fucking person or you Luddite? Yo, are you Amish? Oh, you left a voicemail? Oh, that's cool, man. Where'd you get a phone, though, to do that because you're Yamish? In Pennsylvania? a phone though to do that because you're yamish in pennsylvania in virginia oh you're still in la oh oh you're you're in the metropolitan city oh oh okay but how's that how's it happening since

you're in a small town in Pennsylvania. I'm an idiot. I don't even know if that's where fucking Amish people are. Props to the Amish, though, keeping it really real, you know, keeping it really fucking real. People, like, fuck that. They're like, oh, your technology is going to be changing that much? Nah, I'll just fucking keep these clothes on and chill near hay. Oh, that's cool.

You keep connected with everybody in the world at the touch of your fingertips. Instead of that, I'm going to be with my family and some animals and wear this hat. I was listening to a podcast on TED Talk, and they were talking about technology and how it's expanding, and how it's expanding exponentially, right? Like the PlayStation, they were saying it was on TED Talk. It was on TED fucking podcast, TED Talk.

I don't know why TED, by the way. I don't like that it's called TED Talk. Is that the guy that created it? Or is that an acronym for something either way? Change it because it's not a guy don't make your Ted. That just sounds like a boring guy. Oh yeah. I want to listen to a guy named Ted talk. You know how fucking boring that is. Think about that. Hey, my buddy, Ted's going to come over and talk. That's what you think of. I mean, I know that's not what it is, the Ted talk. But yeah, my buddy Ted's coming over. He's going to give a talk.

Oh, bye. Oh, cool. I'm going to go fucking eat cheese because it's better. But they were talking about how technology is exponentially growing and about how the PlayStation nowadays is stronger and more powerful than uh a a military grade computer in the 60s or whatever the fuck and um and about how you know how crazy it is and how some people are like yeah no machines are going to take over the world and we can't do that and and how we can't fucking you know we can't have that happen but it's already

in motion it's definitely happening i mean there's no way you know there already are robots and machines that are doing jobs better than what what the fuck we do i mean you see about the fuck i was talking about in a podcast earlier about uh they're gonna flip burgers we're not gonna need burger flippers i think you're gonna it started happening you know because all these fucking people are bitching about minimum wage it's like oh you can make cheaper to make it robots but they were saying about how even like they have like robots now or machines that can um uh actually find uh i forget what kind of cancer it is the um something like the cancer of the blood lymph whatever the fuck i don't know i'm an idiot but they were saying that uh it can detect oh no lung cancer it was lung cancer it can detect lung

cancer uh in people better than like doctors and shit or something some bullshit and it's like that can help motherfuckers that's good so they were saying well that's good but then the bad shit was it's going to be people are going to be out of jobs but they were saying well that's good but then the bad shit was it's going to be people are going to be out of jobs but they were saying that the best thing was that fucking when humans work along with machines and that shit is crazy about how like because you know we have awareness and machines don't really have aware though they don't have awareness i guess yet but will they or whatever or there's going to be this all this interconnectivity about fucking um um where robots think with each other and that's going to become like a whole new internet where it's like the skin around the world that fucking can can work together but the they were

like the shit is going to be when fucking humans work in conjunction with robots and machines because we have like this awareness and and shit like that and that was crazy man like going into work in five to ten years is just going to be completely fucking different than it is now but all i give a fuck about is what going in and and i know it already happens and just being like, lights on. And the lights just go, and I go, TV on. And the TV goes, today in the news. Shower on.

You know what I mean? Car, start. You know what I mean? Car. Start. You know what I'm talking about? Twitter. On. Do you know what I mean? That's the shit I want. And I know it already happened, but, like, when that becomes commonplace,

but they were saying there's going to be no more homeless people because there's going to be robots fucking helping them out? I don't know, man. That's going to be no more homeless people because there's going to be robots fucking helping them out. I don't know, man. That's going to be a crazy world. I'm way too dumb to fucking expand on it, but that's what they were saying. Ah, that's crazy, man. But you know, what I want to know is, are there going to be robots? I mean, I guess there will be one day robots that fucking legitimately look like people and then when they get a mind of their own, they're going to like – there's going to be a robot that rapes another human and that's going to be insane. Because also they're not going to give a fuck if it's a male or a female.

Like a lot of dudes are going to be getting raped by robots that look like them. You know? Imagine. Because, bro, I'm getting a robot that looks like me. And when that robot turns on me and fucks me, there's nothing you can do. You know how you have that? I think we talked about this. I don't know if I talked about this or not.

Maybe I talked about it on stage one day, but like to be like, stop release or whatever, but it's like, no, and it's still fucking you. And you're like, no release banana or whatever you're safe for it is.

Oh, and it doesn't give a fuck. Scariest moment of anyone's life. Uh, that, that would be fucking incredible incredible you know what i'm talking about oh fuck it's gonna be happening all over the fucking world and we're fucked oh boy guys i want to talk to you about me undies me undies are designed and they're this underwear that i use i wear i always wear them they're i wear them now and they're designed in la and made from sustainably sourced micro modal and it's this fabric that's three times softer than cotton and

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Get it on your iPhone. I want to see that shit. Fucking babies. But yeah, though, that's the whole deal with the fucking robots. They're going to fuck us and we're done. And they don't get, they don't guess what? They don't stop. They stop when, you know, it's not like they have an end game. Like when we have sex, we, we were done when we have an orgasm. Robots don't have an orgasm. Robots are machines made for whatever they're made for. And then they just keep fucking.

You want to get fucked by robots? Then, you know, keep it up. But whatever. There's all sorts of new problems that will arise. And we just got to deal with them, man. People are going to be out of work, but there are going to be new jobs, right? You know?

I'm not going to be able to flip burgers. But you know what? People are going to be fucking, honestly, I think it's a good thing because what people are going to be able to flip burgers But you know what People are going to be fucking Honestly I think it's a good thing Because what people are going to be forced to do Is fucking do jobs that humans should be doing It'll definitely force some people to live their dream Hey I'm getting out of this burger flipping shit And I'm going to fucking be an artist

And then somebody's going to rise to fame and money Because of that It's going to happen Is it you? Guess what? Probably not because you could. You probably could. I don't know.

Either way, some of you guys should be fucking living your dreams more, but some of you also should not be. Hang it up. If it hasn't worked out in six years hang it up um so uh i'm gonna check some congratulations pod uh hashtags um um so uh here we go oh i somebody right you know a lot about pro sports and athletes for a guy who doesn't like

sports you sports fan sabrina taylor at gangsta brunchunch. Oh, wow. Got to issue a fierce change. That's actually the... Wow. I actually, honestly, have never heard of a fucking worse... worse... worse... worse...

handle than Gangsta Brunch. That's. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. Honestly you should. You should get off social media. Gangsta. Brunch. Guess if it's a white girl or not too.

Love you Sabrina. But you're driving me crazy with you stupid handle, thanks for listening, I don't, when people are like, hey, you sure know a lot about that, are you sure that you don't secretly, nope,

you got to know a lot about your enemy dude, that's like one of the fucking, you should know that, hey, you sure know a lot about yeah i like why i like watching shit that i hate though isn't that are you fucking crazy to not watch shit you hate i watch shit that's bad all the time and people are like turn it off and i'm like did you have to watch this shit it's amazing infomercials are my number one thing to watch they're horrible dude i love i know the personalities i know the guys some guys just are

how about that there's just guys that fucking hawk shit like personalities that don't even give a fuck about the product and then they go from product to product and say how amazing it is you know they're lying you know they're lying because that's their job and they're talking about how amazing a saw is who needs any of that shit dude there's this one guy who's just like this white guy Dude, there's this one guy who is just like this white guy that just looks like the most regular motherfucker. And he fucking sells. I actually took a video of it the other day because it flipped me out, man. How do I?

Fucking videos. This is the I did. I did a 30 second mashup where he says. he's talking about this saw that cuts it all. That's what he's saying. It cuts it all. I mean. It doesn't, though, you know what I mean? Like it doesn't it straight up doesn't though. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't, it's straight up. Doesn't cut it all. It doesn't,

it can't cut through cement. And this guy is just saying it cuts it all. And he's lying and we know it, but, but people buy it. That guy was on another one that had with, they were selling these Christmas light. Dude,

this was the best. It's always the laziest fucking shit too. Like, look how easy it is. Like, what's wrong with shit being kind of difficult? Or just not even easy, just regular. You'd be surprised. You don't even have to lift a finger. This saw will get up on its own and cut it all.

You don't even – just tell it. I'll just – fucking give me the saw. I'll do it. But these people, this guy, this other one, this Christmas lights one, it quickly is skyrocketing. My favorite infomercial, by the way, is the old school, not the new one. The old school – now I forget what it's called. It's been so long. I think it's called Total Body with Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley.

Chuck Norris just didn't give a fuck about this product, and you can see it behind his face, and it was the best. But Total Body, I think. Total Gym, something. I don't know. But this guy, this one became my favorite. one made my was now became my favorite this guy who was this guy who was doing the cuts at all saw whatever it is had this other one that comes around christmas time and it sells he's trying to hawk this fucking product where you don't have to put up christmas lights anymore you just set up like a light show like a light fucking i don't know what you'd even call it like it's like a

spotlight thing but it's not a spotlight. It's a projector. That's what it is. You put it in your front lawn, and it faces your house, and it shows a bunch of dotted green or red or fucking whatever color lights on your house. It projects lights on your house that it's supposed to look like Christmas lights, and it doesn't. It looks horrible. And this guy's like, you don't need to spend hundreds of dollars getting a guy come out to put on fucking lights on your house. Or you're tired of doing it yourself. Just get this piss-poor projector and put it on your front lawn.

Look how amazing it looks. And it doesn't look amazing. It straight up looks atrocious. It's like when pigs are swimming and you got to listen to fucking blink 182, not knocking blink 182. They have some bangers and I'm not knocking jaw roll, but I'm just saying, dude, okay, dude, I mean, just saying, dude. Okay? Dude. I mean, come on, man. It's just the way he's talking, too.

You get all hyped on it and you're like, oh, shit, I got to get that. Look at the way he loves it. He's a fucking regular guy like my dad. He's me. I got to get that shit. It cuts it all. It cuts it all, dude. Let me ask you a question.

If you're watching this fucking thing, what the fuck do you have to cut? If you're somebody that needs to cut shit, like honestly, like saw-wise, you're not the kind of person that needs to buy a fucking saw because an infomercial is set. You already know all the saw shit. If you're somebody that uses saws, you know about saw shit. So if you're, who is this for? Fucking plebeians. You know what?

They're for fucking these, they're for these cooters, dude. These cooters are watching TV. Need that. It cuts it all. I need that. Cause I'm cooter. You cooter. Did you buy anything on an infomercial ever?

You cooter. Dude, these fucking shiny new things, man. You don't need it. You don't need it. You don't need it. Still raining in Toronto. Actually, it let up a little bit. Maybe I can go out. I don't have to wear all my fucking layers.

Lonely out here, man. Like, in the big big city you can get lonely dude you really can you can get lonely in a big city people say la is lonely it's as lonely as you make it oh i drag this fucking twitter account i I guess, called fucking Deep Snaps. First of all, how confusing is this bullshit? Deep, first of all, Deep Snaps. Emotional Snapchats. Pictures of fucking somebody in silhouette. And then it says something like, never thought I'd lose you, but found the new me or some shit.

If anyone ever sent me a fucking emotional Snapchat, I would delete Snapchat, drive over to their house and pummel the shit out of them. Then they'd post it. Sometimes your best friends best you in a fight. Found the new me. Dude, don't do a deep Snapchat. Snapchat's for dicks. It's for fucking your bits and pieces. It's for your bits and pieces, information, and funny things. That's it. It's not for,

it's not for deep emotional stuff. Hey, I got a question. Is it your phone? Is it an app or is it your therapist? Oh dude, does your phone sit on a couch across from you and ask you about your feelings do you pay your phone 220 a session nah because it's a phone not your therapist so don't fucking put deep snaps and then it's on twitter and then they made an instagram page about it hey we're on On Twitter, they told us about their deep snaps. Hey, we're on Instagram. On Twitter, they said this. This is the fucking inception. It's inception.

So many social media outlets for something that doesn't matter at all. That shouldn't be. Deep snaps. No. Hey, watch my deep snaps on Instagram. Let me tell you about it on Twitter. What? Oh, it's confusing?

Oh, cool. It's confusing. Dude. Just be better. And motherfuckers follow it, though. Who's worse? That's what I want to... I think the worst is the guy who does it, not the follower.

Because there's always going to be fucking moron pieces of shits you know but just don't exacerbate it don't capitalize on moron piece of shits be better be better that's a deep deep

snap that I would do but I put that on. I can't tell if this guy Matty B raps. Go on Twitter and look at Matty B raps. M-A-T-T-Y-B-R-A-P-S. He's 14? And he tweets stuff like hide your girlfriend. I'm headed out for the day.

And then a picture of himself. I don't, I can't tell if it's, I honestly, this guy may be, I don't think, I don't think he's choking. Hide your girlfriend.

I'm headed out for the day. Like what, what, what, like she's going to see him and... He's a rapper, I guess. Dialing up the haters, he writes, and then pretends like his shoe is a phone.

I guess it's a good shoe. Maybe, I don't know. Dialing up the haters. And then it's hilarious, so he'll do that and then he writes one. Went to the park with my friends after school to make some funny videos

and then just a picture of him near a tree. Like, bro, pick a lane. You cute kid or you ludicrous? If you ludicrous, be ludicrous. But if you cute kid, be cute kid or you ludicrous? If you ludicrous, be ludicrous. But if you cute kid, be cute kid. I don't know, man.

Oh, man. I love it. I just fucking. It's just I love. I just fucking... It's just I love... I just love... And honestly, I can't get enough of... Because there's a lot of fucking idiots on... And when I see it, I laugh because of...

You got to watch it. He does the most sabitch point when he says it too. Twitter! And he points to it. And then he looks off into the sunset. I didn't realize that. That's amazing. Wow.

All right. I'm going to take one more question. And then I'm going to fucking head out. Because I got a lot of boring to be. Here we go. How do you go about Matthew at, and his thing is at Peckman underscore leg week. Change it.

What's up, dude? Why can't people have normal shit? All right. How do you go about putting material together for a special? All right. Let's get serious for a second. What I do is I start out with something that I think is funny, and I go on stage and I start talking about it. I have a part that I think will make people laugh, and I'll talk as much shit on the subject until it's not hitting.

And then I'll just go to the part that I know is going to make people laugh. until it's not, you know, hidden. And then I'll just go to the part that I know is going to make people laugh. And then that'll become the idea that I like or I don't like. And then I'll throw it out if I don't like it and I'll start it again. But if I like it, then I'll start to realize what I'm trying to say. And then as I'm trying, then that'll become like I'll do more material that's based on that material. I'll do more material that's based on that material. Like I'll do, if I'm talking about like the, you know, whatever, war, whatever it is, which I don't talk about war.

But if I were to talk about war, then I'd start to talk and making jokes about war. And then I think about why, what is it about war? And then I'll start talking about like other things that are warlike. And then I'll turn it to anything else, anything else. So just make analogies to talk about fucking you know working out or something and uh and then I'll I'll it'll just become a larger point and then everything I talk about will be will will be very very loosely based on that point and I will basically talk about different things and I'll try to pertain it to that one thing in my hour. And that's specifically what this last hour is definitely about.

It's about me not wanting to pretend anymore and me being the me that I finally realize it's okay to be. And, you know, it's a very general thing. And then how people react to that and how I am that and how other people are that or are not that and then how it all, you know. And so it becomes a little easier when you find the theme of what you're talking about, you know what I'm saying? So that's what I do leg week.

And, uh, right now I have 15 new minutes that I'm doing since I shot the special and that's kind of becoming what I'm talking about now. And it's different than the last special. So that's what's up. My special is coming out this summer on Netflix called man on fire, man on fire. And I'm excited about it. It'll be this summer. So that's it. I got real with you for a second. But this, so that's it. That's it.

I'm done with this podcast. You guys, thanks for listening. You guys are fucking awesome. And don't forget to download that Square Cash app. If you got an app that transfers money, delete it and do the fucking new one. Get the Square Cash app because it's better. It's the best one. And you need to pay your fucking goons with it.

Okay? Do now. Do now. But rate and review this podcast. I like doing it when I'm doing it, but it is work. And if the numbers don't go up, I'm going to stop doing it. Okay. Uh, I need, I'm trying to back up this motherfucking Brinks truck, dude. Um, so, so help me out and rate and review it and tell your friends about it. Don't not do it. Do it. And also, when you do it, don't say, I told you to do it. Some people tweet it like, Chris told me to do it, so I'm doing this. It's not going to get people to watch. It's not going to get people to listen.

Anyway, check out my tour dates, chrisdalia.com. I rescheduled my Arizona one. I rescheduled my West Palm Beach one. And I am going to reschedule my Arizona one. I rescheduled my West Palm Beach one. And I am coming to – I am going to reschedule my Australian one. Don't you worry. It will probably be somewhat later in the year. I hope so. I really want to get out there.

But go to my crystalia.com. Go to crystalia.com and find out – or I think crystalia.com slash tour. Either one works. And go to look at my tour dates and that's that and also use the hashtag congratulations pod to ask me questions and try and gain the system all

day long all right my babies thanks for listening I love some of you you know probably maybe some of you are listening I probably have a love for you you know what I'm saying I'm Chris D'Elia

thanks for listening I'm Chris D'Elia I'm Chris D'Elia I'm Chris D'Elia I'm Chris D'Elia Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker.