Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 141. Life Rips Again

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Toby Keith, getting divorced, having to go to Atlantic City for 20 minutes, bacons, and Kenny Chesney. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply yes we are back it's episode 141 and every time we go from the intro song to the fucking show in the beginning of the show. Every single time, One Fire goes in three, two, one. And every single time, it reminds me of when they do it in Wayne's World. And I don't know why, but I do. Because he goes three, two, and he doesn't say one.

Because that might get caught on tape. It might get caught on the show. But what one fire does, because he's one fire, he says the one. Because he doesn't give a shit. And it's fine. Because it's a little treat for you guys. Right? It's a little treat for you guys.

If you hear one fire go one, then it's all good. But if you don't, because he probably takes it out, because he's a sound engineer, my babies, then it's all good uh but if you don't because he probably takes it out because he's a sound engineer my babies then it's all good man but it you know we got the new arm we got the new fucking arm in the congratulations podcast shit and the arm's not going to sink anymore it won't sink anymore it won't sink it'll stay put because we got the joe rogan arm baby we got the same one joe rogan has because we're coming i'm coming out and we're running against this pun and sonnet every note was the same fucked it up all good uh you ever hear a guy who fucking sings and every note is the same that guy's got to stop singing and that guy is my brother um my brother can't sing for shit and it's all good but yeah

so let's just go over some let's do some how about when fucking radio now just like let's pay some bills here let's look here let's pay some bills no don't say it stop being cute about it we got Santa Barbara coming up and every time I look at it I think of Santa Barbara for some reason

looks like there's one too many A's all good should there be three A's in one word? No. Is there? Yeah. Are a lot of them cities? Yeah. Is it always going to fuck with me until I die? Yeah. Santa Barbara, October 12th. Riverside, October 17th.

That's sold out. San Diego, 18th, October 19th, and October 19th again. I think I have three or four shows in San Diego. I don't remember. Some of them are sold out. And then I have Foxwoods, Connecticut, November 1st, November 2nd, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Two shows there.

Sorry, hold on. Let me do something here. Two shows there. Oh, this isn't working. The sound plan isn't working. Great. Wait, hold on. Let me do something here. Uh, yeah. Uh, two shows there. Oh, this isn't working. The sound plan isn't working. Great. Great. One fire.

Yes. All we did is two things and it didn't work. Yes. Sound plans are working. I'm hitting Pete. That's supposed to go ching and didn't work. Yes. Do any of them work?

No. Just tried to hit clap back by draw rule. Doesn't work. Yes. do any of them work no just try to hit clap back by draw rule doesn't work yes oh on fire just goes okay oh sacot red-handed knows what he did um so anyway equipment and he goes okay so it's gonna be a good one and we are gonna fly by the seat of our fucking diapers today babies that is what we are going to do because we don't give a fuck we have one note we have one note on our notes to talk about and it's gonna be a story that's about four minutes long what are we going to do for the rest of the fucking 30 56 minutes we're going to fly by the seat of our diapers uh and then one fire after the show or i've been get rid of is going to be like

what should we call the show and i'm going to try to remember well we should call it fly by the seat of our diapers and i won't remember that and then we'll end up calling it something shitty do you know what i mean anyway dude we're gonna be all these fucking places and i'm gonna do two shows in bethlehem pennsylvania ka-ching ka-ching and then rochester new york and then royal dude michigan by the way is like what's going on in michigan dude i keep adding i love michigan i love Michigan. And it's fine. But I love Michigan. Because Michigan keeps on helping me back up the fucking Brinks truck. Let me try to go to YouTube and do it. See if it works on YouTube.

Brinks. What? No, it's not on mute. I'm not a fucking dingbat. Yeah. No sound works. Period. So that's good. That's great. That's really good. So no sound works period so that's good that's great that's really good so no sound work so we're gonna go fucking by so um all right cool well that's it we're gonna do like we used to in the old days but also um but also uh yeah so that's it we're gonna go royal oak detroit michigan

new buffalo michigan why is there a new buffalo there shouldn't even be a fucking regular buffalo But also, yeah, so that's it. We're going to go to Royal Oak, Detroit, Michigan, New Buffalo, Michigan. Why is there a New Buffalo? There shouldn't even be a fucking regular Buffalo. Have you ever been to Buffalo, New York? It's fine if you live in Buffalo, New York. Honestly, it's cool. People have to live everywhere, and populations grow and grow, and pretty soon you're like, all right, fuck it,

and they find a place, Buffalo, and they fucking expand, and okay, fine. But I just have one question for people who live in Buffalo. Why? Yeah. And then Minneapolis, I'm shooting my special. I did my show last night at the Hollywood Improv and I did my hour and I'm very excited about it. And I didn't do it in maybe like a month and I finally did it.

Now that I'm done with this movie, I'm able to do – I'm able to fucking get the reps in and do my set before I shoot it. And I did it last night and I went very well and I'm very excited and I got rejuvenated. Have you ever been rejuvenated? It feels good, man. Have you ever been rejuvenated? It feels good, man. One time with one of my exes, she would be like, let me get a kiss. And then I would kiss her and then she would be like, oh, I'm rejuvenated.

And that's cute. And that's just a cute story for you, dude. Was it my ex-wife? Yes. Did we get divorced? Yes. Am I a divorcee? Yes.

Is it weird to think of that about yourself? Yes at such a young age i'm 39 yeah it's weird but that's it dude it's all good man this shit is real life and if you're divorced out there cool divorce has a fucking negative connotation it's the shit to be divorced dude it really is it really is you ain't shit until you're married once and you divorce once because then you know what the fuck life is all about man you know what life is when you get divorced dude you know what marriage is you don't know what it is how come you never know what shit is until it's over you don't you don't know you ever see a movie and you're like, whoa, that movie rips. And then a week later you're like, I don't really remember it.

It's because you didn't know what it was until afterwards. Baby, I know what it is now, dude. What if I was saying that and just tears were streaming down my face? So, yeah, dude. But life continues to rip right it does life happens okay now that's something that would just be on a stupid coffee mug that a girl would post on instagram with quote-unquote messy hair and quote-unquote no makeup, with her fucking eyes rolled up to the side, just like, huh, Mondays, that would be the caption.

And it would say, life happens, in some kind of squiggly fucking writing, with like a stupid border around it on the coffee mug. Now would that be? Yeah, that would be. That would exist. Life happens. But what we have to remember is,

once you fucking pass the situation, rejuvenation, babies, and life rips again. Life rips again. Now, could that also be the title of the show? Yes. Will I forget it? Yes. But life rips again, dude. But life rips again, dude.

And that's why I put these fucking life rips hoodies and t-shirts out there that you can fucking get to support this podcast so we keep eating. So we keep eating, dude. You want to get a fucking... You want to get some merch so I can keep eating these turkey sandwiches? Dude. You fucking click the buy. You click the purchase fucking icon on my website. And it's like I'm practically going nom, nom, nom.

That's it. You're clicking a meeting. that's it you're clicking a meeting so you click it and when you click buy or purchase and you click you know next day error whatever the fuck it is when you click that i want you to imagine me going nom nom nom this cult leader shit is serious business dude jared leto thinks and i and i said i wouldn't say his name and i'm never gonna say i would never say his name on this podcast but jared leto is not a cult leader that's a celebrity dude me cult leader the guy's walking around with robes and shit. He turned me off of robes, man. He turned me off of robes, dude.

I was going to wear all white, and this dude, Jared Leto, and I don't even, I'm not going to say, I don't say his name, but dude, the fucking fact that that dude is walking around in white robes, like what fucking this boy was going to do, dude? The youngest man alive, me? I was going to make this call, and this dude walks around. But he's serious about it, dude? You know what it's like, dude?

It's like when Tupac had the fucking... Here's another reason why I'm just like Tupac, dude. It's like when Tupac had the fucking... He was obsessed with death and he wanted to make the album with the death and shit. And death around the corner and shit. Death around the corner. And then Biggie came out with ready to die and tupac was like what the fuck i was the one that told you i was gonna do all the death shit and then biggie was like i don't give a fuck he did ready to die with the baby on the cover dude jared little

don't biggie me and i don't i don't say his fucking name on this podcast but don't biggie me oh by the way if you're watching on the fucking video podcast, just so you know I'm serious, I got a fucking thick chain on. I have a thick chain on. Serious business, dude. I have a thick chain on. I had a thin chain, but I had to fucking level up, dude, because there's guys out there like fucking Jared Leto floating around, and I'm not going to say his name, but he's floating around in a fucking robe with a bunch of like fives, by the way. You see the people that are in his cult? Fives. Maybe a

six is in there somewhere, but dude, us, we got tens, man. Everyone's killing it. They're all doing fitness. The guys are prettier than the girls in our shit, by the way. Guys walk around all like the fucking Persian guy in 300 just like, What would you like to do today? Those are my dudes. Those are my dudes. And we're all fucking and sucking and getting that hedonistic lifestyle. And we're sitting Indian style in the tall grass.

And I cannot fucking believe I am right now saying all this stuff with two other guys in this room just straight faced doing their own shit. Ivan Getridov and One Fire are literally staring at their computers like this emoji. Like the emoji with the fucking straight eyes and the straight mouth. And I'm fucking being, because they, you know why? Because I'm being serious. Because this isn't a fucking laughing matter, dude. You know why? Because I'm being serious. Because this isn't a fucking laughing matter, dude.

If I take this shirt off and keep the chain on, I swear to God, I've done it and walked around and people literally, and I'm not fucking joking, they mistake me for DMX. They go like, this is that. Oh, never mind. And I know what they're thinking. They're thinking, is the lawnmower right next to the tray? The lawnmower right next to the tray the lawnmower right next to the tree my favorite thing about dmx is this the fucking melody will be like that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that'll be like the fucking melodic tune of the thing and then dmx will just straight up come on and he will go.

Like, hey, dude, do something different. They're covering that part. I swear to God. One of the melodies is. And it'll be like, you could be blind. You could be blind. What's that fucking DMX? I got to do it from my phone because we're doing it because I don't have fucking sound on the goddamn thing. But we're going to do it, dude.

Try it. I'll give it to you. Give you the computer. Okay. And while I do it like this, I'll do it on the thing. But this is what DMX does. You think I'm not? Who we be is the one first.

Who we be, DMX. First thing that comes up, of course. Here we go. Busting a nut. Oh, wow, busting a nut. I never realized in the beginning of the song. He goes, oh, yeah, another one of those. What?

Doesn't work? It'll still? Okay, well... I can't do it because it's gonna fucking... Whatever, dude. I can't do it because it's gonna flag it. It's gonna flag the fucking thing and then we're not gonna be able to monetize it for YouTube.

Like, people are coming to Congratulations Podcast to listen to fucking Who We Be from DMX on my fucking phone. That's not even connected to the source. Like somebody wants to hear me going like, oh, he's busting a nut over fucking DMX, who we be. By the way, you know, who's doing that? Who's listening to who we be?

Anyway, you got it? I worked. One fire seems to think it's working now. we're putting it back on dude see this is it man i get you like the rawness dude let's see if it works it's not working all good which means coming something from the fucking motherboard which means it's one fire's fault, which means, obviously, he's not changing his name anytime soon. So DMX will do that. And I'm practically DMX, is basically what I'm saying, dude,

because I got a fucking chain. I wanted to one day be the fucking Shirts Off comic. This is way before Bert Kreiser. And now I'm like, okay, well, Bert does it. So I want it to be the jaw rule of comedy is basically what it was. But now Bert does it. And I can't do it. And that's fine.

I'm happy for Bert, honestly. I think he's got like and i can't do it and that's fine i'm happy for bert honestly i think he's got like a million followers on instagram so that's great um it works now it works now dude it works now man it fucking works now and just so you know it works just to fucking prove it works right now yep hell yeah dude let's get these fucking in uh let's put these in because i'm meant to do those from earlier and let's fucking throw in a little one of these because i'm going to do it from earlier and then i also meant to do one of these a little bit earlier than i was talking about tupac so rude um so rude to start a song like that. But life rips and it continues to rip. And that's it.

And that's it, man. So what was I going to talk about? Dude, I was... Where have I been? I was in New Jersey. I was in Atlantic City one more time. One more again. I was in Atlantic City.

And I didn't want to be in atlantic city of course because atlantic city because it's atlantic city uh i had to go back because i thought i was done with the movie and they were like hey you got to come to do a body scan for visual effects and i go like this what i, is this a prank? I thought it was a prank. And they're like, she writes back, negative. Oh, we're getting official, dude? You're going to write negative in an email? Oh, we're getting all business-like all of a sudden?

Because I think it's a prank? We're getting business-like? She writes negative we need you out here to do the vfx scan and then she started sounding like charlotte brown's teacher do you know why because all i could hear was my blood i was so mad i heard my blood you ever get so mad you hear your blood that's what i was doing sizzling that's what i heard i go like this is somebody cooking bacon and uh so i did that and um and i was like well let's let's fucking

and they were like we gotta come sunday this is how I did it. A little taste of me, okay? I come here Sunday. They were like, we want to fly you at 10 a.m. Sunday. We'll do the VFX scan Monday morning, and then you can leave Monday night. So I go like this. I'll take the red eye. I'll take the red eye.

I'll land in Philly, drive to AC, get there by around 7 a.m., do the VFX scan, and then I'm leaving first flight out. And they go like this, okay, well, we might need you until 3.30. And I go like this, okay, I'll take the 3.30 flight, even though there's a 12.50 flight, they thought I wouldn't make it. So me, old Chris Goodsport D'Elia, flies over there red-eyed. Did I sleep a wink? No. Why? Even in first class?

Why couldn't I do it? Because I can't sleep on planes because it was also the bullshit first class where, like, the seats are only a little bit bigger. Not diver because it's not a word. But I said diver. And I don't know why. I mean bigger. So the seats were a little bit different

and so i did it so i got there drove 7 a.m got there no one's there to receive me i don't know where to go so i go like this where the fuck do i go snapped at an ad a little bit was probably pretty shitty didn't mean to wasn't his fault you know what? I've been flying all night. I apologize to him later. All good. And I feel bad even still. Because I like that guy. He's got a really kind face. And he was really nice.

And one of the guys that I connected with. Anyway. Do the VFX scan. Get all dressed in my fucking gear. And you know. 20 minutes. Fine. Then I'm done by 9, and I go like this.

I can make the 12.50 flight. So I get in touch with the travel agent for production, and I say, hey, can I get the 12.50 flight? Now, mind you, I've had no sleep. I'm a manager, Josh Lieberman. We'll find a flight. There's a seat on there. There's a seat on the plane, right?

So I'm like, get it, right? That's what he's saying. So I'm like, all right, cool. So I try to do it. Okay, so he says, okay. So I'm like, you know what? I'm going to set my alarm. I'm going to go to sleep.

I'm going to wake up in an hour. I'll check and see if the flight's changed. I wake up. Flight's not changed. All good. At this point, I'm dreaming, man. At this point, trolls are bringing me bagels. Right?

I'm in my head. I'm out on fucking La La Land. I'm hanging out with the Keebler elves somewhere. Okay? So I email Josh and I say, listen, Josh, it's probably too late. And I email the travel agent, don't change the flight. I'll just go at 3.30 because I'm going to fucking drift down and fucking chill with these Keebler elves. And I'll land a little bit longer, and I'll just fly out my day shot anyway.

And Josh says, look, if you're going to dream, Keebler elves are in there. Okay? So I said, great. Cut to the AD knocks on my door and it's 1225 and she says hey you got to get up because your ride's here

for the 330 flight and I say great ready to go okay so I go downstairs and as I'm going downstairs in the elevator flung

I have an email. So I checked the email and it's from, lo and behold, the travel agent. And she says, switched your flight to 1225. Now, I wouldn't have been able to make that flight if I was at the airport already. However, I'm getting into the car to go to the airport, and I'm in Atlantic City, and the airport I'm flying out of is in Philadelphia.

Now, I'm reading this email, and good thing nobody's telling it to me, because all I can hear is my blood. I'm smelling around for bacons. Now, one time when I was in La Cunada, I used to go to this place that would have the bomb-ass turkey tuna melt. They would have the bomb-ass tuna melts. And it was called Burgi's, and it's still there because they make the bomb-ass tuna melts.

And whenever I was in La Cunada visiting my mom, I would get the bomb-ass tuna melts. And one time, a kid named Colin Barnes told me to get bacon on the tuna melt. And I was like, what? Why would you fuck something perfect up? That's like eating cheese while you're getting your dick sucked. Sure, I like both of those things, but separately is better. Okay?

And Colin goes like this, just try it. And I say, all right. So I walk up to the counter and I say, Hey, uh, can I get bacon on my tuna melt? And the guy behind the counter says, how many bacons? And I think of that every three weeks. So now I'm in the car. Okay. And I called Josh and he says, I got the email. I got the email.

I see there's a mistake. I get an email. I see there's a mistake in there. So I say, yeah, just make sure that I'm still on the 330 flight because I just got the itinerary that my flight changed in 20 minutes. All right. But I think secretly I'm looking at it wrong. But I think secretly I'm looking at it wrong. When I see this email, I think, oh, I have to go to the doctor because I have a tumor pushing up against my optical nerve. Because it's scrambling what I'm looking at.

I'm looking at 330, but it looks like 1250. So I hang up the phone. And then Josh calls me back. I made a mistake. And so I made it to 1250. How far are you from the airport? And I say, it's in Philly. I'm not in Philly. I'm just checking.

I'm on your side so i say okay well make sure she changes it back to 3 30 because i'm on my way now and i don't want to get to the airport it's not gonna happen all happen. So then he calls me back and he says, I'm just screaming with them. We got your ticket, but it's not first class anymore. They lost the seat. And everything else was like that scene in Private Ryan when the guy's looking for his arm and you just hear,

and I'm just hear and I'm just and I'm looking for my itinerary I can't find it. I'm looking for my itinerary like he's looking for his arm and I'm just like get my water bottle and all of a sudden it comes back in there. I'll call him but it'll be in there, you know, I'll call him, but it'll be in there. And I click.

Dude, I get to the airport and I'm in seat like 4,355 Z. I didn't even know the plane went that far. By the time I got to the back of the plane, I was already in Los Angeles. So I'm furious. There's nothing I can do. I get to the gate. The guy, I'm going to pull this shit. I said, yeah, I was supposed to be in first. I lost the thing, and then the thing happened, and he goes like this. Well, it's full.

Sorry. If you want to go first, though, there's another flight. The only one left where there's first is 9 p.m., and I go like this. Hey, man, it's fucking 1 o'clock. What am I going to do at the airport in Philly for eight hours? How many times am i gonna fucking lap hudson news you know what i mean like fucking goddamn hudson news have you ever seen a hudson news out of the airport what the fuck get it together dude go outside hudson news

so i fucking get on the plane i'm i Dude, I'm hearing bacon sizzle. I'm hearing how many bacons sizzle, dude. I don't even know how many bacons are sizzling in my fucking head right now, in my ears. So I get to the fucking plane. And just to make matters worse, in first, they got the lay down beds, dude. But here daddy is, all propped up like a goddamn praying mantis. I even bought one of those fucking neck pillow things. I'm propped up like a, like I'm fucking Stephen Hawking.

Just praying mantis. And the fucking video doesn't even work. The fucking back of the seat video. So I'm just, guess what I'm doing for five hours? Thinking. I know these are fucking rich guy problems, but I don't give a shit. Dude, here's the other thing.

This was this twist of the knife. I'm talking to one of the cast members and they say, you didn't do the VFX thing in Albuquerque? They had it there for two months. I flew there for. I'm a businessman. And you know how Jay-Z is like, I'm not a businessman. I'm a businessman.

I'm just a businessman. Okay. Make no mistake. I'm not a businessman. I'm a businessman i'm businessman so that was my fucking holy shit my topsy-turvy adventure i was in atlantic city for fucking six hours 10 hours there 10 hours back including the drive time even more probably anyway dude let's pay some bills

so yeah that's what we're doing dude that's what we're doing Anyway, dude. Let's pay some bills. So yeah, that's what we're doing, dude. That's what we're doing. Oh, and I hit DMX by mistake. And I hit DMX. I love it, dude. Okay, that's a really, really bad way to say English. Well, so is what I said. But, um, anyway,

I'm, I'm chilling, dude. And I keep chilling and I keep chilling and I stay drinking fucking LaCroix, even though this is Perrier. These thin cans, man, they got to go though. It's like, what am I fucking holding a cock? This fucking thing? Make the cans bigger. I don't like this bitch-ass shit. It looks like a keychain. Perrier is killing it with the little thin-ass cans, though. They're for like a fucking evil villain, a female evil villain.

That's just like, hmm, you'll have to kill him. Anyway. you'll have to kill him. Anyway, when I got to the fucking airport, finally, this chick, this girl, who had to be 22, you know,

people come up to me sometimes, whatever, I'm ready for it and shit. I see him come. I see you coming, by the way, from like, you're not being sneaky,

you know, people think they're like Kato. you coming, by the way, from like, you're not being sneaky, you know. People think they're like Kato. And this girl goes like this. And I go, hey. And she says, beer pong. And I go, well, what the fuck is going to be happening at this point? From now on, what kind of reaction am I going to have to fucking drum up? She goes, beer pong.

And I say, huh? And she says, I met you last night during beer pong. And I say, no, not me. And she says, yeah, it it was you and everybody's listening and i'm sure some of those people are like this idiot got it wrong she does doesn't realize that that's the comedian and she maybe recognizes him that way and is confusing someone else's fucking janky face playing beer pong maybe she was drunk and now she thinks chris ch janky face playing beer pong. Maybe she was drunk.

And now she thinks Chris D'Elia was playing beer pong with her. By the way, there are some people that think that. But the people who don't know who I am are looking at me like, oh, this fucking guy doesn't want to seem like he was playing beer pong with a 22 year old. So now I look like a fucking creep. She goes, beer pong, 22 year old. And I say, huh? 39 year old. And she says, met you last night playing beer pong. And I say, wouldn't me. And she says, Wasn't me. And she says, yeah, it was.

Dude, quit blowing my fake cover. It wasn't me, first of all. I would never play beer pong. Dude, if I drank, first of all, I never drank, period, ever, end of story, full stop. Do I like when people say that? No. But full stop. I've never drank okay so i know i didn't play beer pong even if i did if i drank every day like a fucking fish i would never play beer pong i you know why because i don't need a reason to drink if i'm gonna drink i'm just gonna

fucking put the shit to my mouth and then ingest it in my body you're not gonna try and get a i gotta get i'm gonna make it harder give me all the alcohol put it inside me and let me be drunk as fuck beer pong you know i wouldn't even play ping pong how about that you're gonna give me a paddle now? This bitch ass little thing? No way. Dude, the only thing a paddle should be is on, is connected to a fucking key to get into a gas, a gas fucking station bathroom. You ever see the prank on YouTube? I don't know who it is, but it's some fucking show where they put the fucking keys on funny things in the gas station. And that one time they fucking – and they kept putting it on like big-ass things. And the person had to like bring the big-ass thing. And the last one was they put the key on a cat.

And they were like, here you go. And the guy had to carry the cat to undo the – the key was attached to the cat's fucking collar. And he had to undo the thing and then piss with the cat – holding the cat. Oh, man. That was hilarious. but guess what it still wasn't as funny as the fucking brian callan's instagram where he says i'm the man dragon dude i did that i put that i put that up last night holy fucking shit man let's play it because that shit brian callan is the biggest idiot of all time i can't even believe this fucking moron, dude. Let's go to his thing.

Okay, like, let me just... This... Okay. So... Yo! I was eating with my buddies, alright? And Brian Callen shows up and we're all eating together and then he leaves oh we all leave right and we're all laughing outside of the diner as we do we fucking laugh outside of the diner because once you eat and you're done

it's not over motherfuckers the fat lady hasn't sung yet you go outside and you you know you do the thing where you're like oh man ah you do that dude because i'm almost 40 you know, you do the thing where you're like, Oh man, you do that dude. Because I'm almost 40. You do that. You go, Oh, some asshole gets a toothpick cause he thinks he needs it.

You know? And, Oh man. So, Hey, and somebody says like, Hey, by the way,

and the guy's like, I don't know. You do that, you know? And you go, Oh, that's fucking hilarious, man. You said I don't can check. I don't know, man. And I don't know. I don't know. You do that, you know? And he goes, oh, fuck, that's fucking hilarious, man. You see that fucking chick?

I don't know, man. You're fucking... In there, you know? And so Callan leaves because he likes to... He loves to pretend like he has shit to do at fucking 3 a.m. even though he doesn't.

And he leaves and he gets... Goes, walks over to his car. And this happens, okay? Let me just fucking pull it up again so I can play it from the beginning. This happens. He's far away. Me and my other two buddies,

the Irish guy and Craig. Yo! Hey! That's me, obviously. What's up, Brian? You're a bitch, huh? You're a bitch, huh? Huh? You're a bitch? Hey, bro.

Stay there. I'm going to tell you something. Okay. So he's far away. Now he drives over. His car's silent. His Tesla fucking rolls over like it's a kitty cat. Okay.

Pulls up. I'm shooting it. I'm good. Hey, bro. Yeah? Tonight, my comedy, this is what I do to crowds. Ready? You know why they call me the man dragons

Does this you turn illegally peace out guys drives away fucking zips by and then has to stop at a red light dude let me tell you something right now there's nothing that's ever been funnier than that

he's 52 bro he's 52 go to my instagram page and you can see it He's 52. Bro, he's 52. Go to my Instagram page and you can see it. It's the last thing I posted. He just goes, won that one. God damn, he's funny, man. I'll fuck him up.

I will, dude. I'll fuck him up. I will, dude. I'll fuck him up. La, da, da, da, till I get my money right. Lo, da, lo, oh, it's Ernie Crew. I don't know what the words are, and I don't give a shit. I don't fucking do the words of the song. I make my own fucking shit, and I feel it out, dude. I scat.

I scat. Remember the guy in the real world that fucking scatted? I scat, dude. La, da, da, da, wait till I get my money right. Lo, lo, oh. It's Judy Cruz. Brown, yodely, yodely, oh, oh, oh. Wait till I get my money right.

Yodely, lo. It's Terry Crews. Yodely, yodely, oh, oh, oh. Brown, oh, oh, oh. Yep, that's it dude oh fucking oh fuck oh man i love youtube when you'll be like wait till i get my money right i go to type it in i go wait till and it goes and then it'll be like, wait till I get my money right. I go to type it in. I go, wait till. And then the suggestion thing says, wait till I get my money right. And then I hit the space bar.

And it says, wait till my father gets home. Just keep it the way it was. I don't want to listen to fucking. Wait till I get my father. Wait till I get my father. La, la, la, la, wait till I get my money right. La, la, la, la, I had a dream. Yo, lo, lo. It's Terry Crews.

Oh, oh, oh. Brown. Dude, I got to come up with a fucking lounge acapella fucking I gotta do it dude I don't know what I'm doing I gotta do it the first comment is la la la wait till I get my money right cool worth it worth it feel the pressure under more scrutiny um cool. It keeps scrolling even though I'm not hitting it. Let's blame it on one fire. Anyway. Ads.

Here we go, my babies. La, da, da, da. Wait till I get my money right. Yodel, odel, oh. We taking over one city at a time oh i sing beautifully dude we taking over one city at a time we taking over one city at a time they probably flag that for fucking monetary value, dude.

Because that's how good it is. Because I know people will be like, why would I listen to the DJ Khaled song when I can hear Chris' acapella fucking kick-ass version. Right? It's like I'm a mirror. Whoa. And it's fucking looking back at me. We taking over. Right? It's like I'm a mirror. Whoa. And it's fucking looking back at me. Whoa.

It's like I'm a mirror. Eh? Seh? Basic. JT, try a little harder. It's like I'm a mirror. Whoa. It's looking back at me.

So basic. Making a turkey sandwich. Whoa. Have me inside of two breads. Whoa. A little mayonnaise and some fucking cheese. And put it in my mouth and start chewing in this lunch. Whoa. Hell yeah, babies.

What we doing, dude? What we doing? Life rips. And dude, whether you got dents or not, life rips is a mind state, dude. You got some fucking dents in your bank account life could still rip you can have dents aplenty and still fucking rip life a new fucking shit how about when they say i tore me a new asshole i don't like that either man

anyway dude it's all good uh what else should we talk about man what happened in the news i saw fucking what happened in the news i saw the fucking people were some of the academy members for fucking the oscars i didn't see the movie yet joker but i want to see it i'm dying to fucking see it looks looks awesome some of them were like well it's controversial so we shouldn't even some of the academy members like we shouldn't even consider it for winning an award. Like, what, dude? Are you kidding me? You know how many fucking controversial movies are usually not good?

They're all fucking. The best movies are controversial. They're dealing with real issues. So, movies aren't changing.'re dealing with real issues. So, how... Movies aren't changing. The fucking world is changing. And then you're fucking up art. How about that? So,

you know, chill on that because it's a movie about a goddamn evil villain that fights Batman and is a clown. It's like I'm a mirror. Whoa. And it's looking back at me. Whoa.

How's it go? No, I don't say fucking in that song, right? It's like I'm a fucking mirror whoa and i'm staring back at me and i can't fucking believe i'm staring in a mirror oh whoa shit looking back at me whoa donkey boss cunt ass shit that's a imagine if just like made a song and it came out like that and it and i would be the fucking i would wait in line to get the fucking hard copy dude and they don't even do hard copies anymore uh i saw jessica beale on a flight once she's married to him she's really all good all good loosey-goosey silly silly goose time man

you go to your podcast for your fucking npr shit and everything else but you come here for a silly goddamn goose time and that's it that's it how about this man teen girls join forces to convince people that eating used tampons is normal. Vice, dude. That's a Vice article. What's up with Vice? What was the other one, the Vice one, that I was fucking looking at in the group text? You know which one?

What the fuck was it? No. Oh, it? No. Oh, wait. No, the one that was said... Oh, that minimalism was against... Gays or something? Vice, dude. Just trying to get some clicks.

I sat down with a guy who's got a minimalist view on the world. Turns out he's homophobic. Vice. What? Vice will be like... You know. I don't know, man. Vice will come out with a thing like,

Bread normalizes fruit. And you're like, what? You're just like, what? We can't normalize fruit. Bread normalizes fruit. And you're like, what? You're just like, what? We can't normalize fruit. Bread normalizes fruit. And you're like, okay. And then some guy with a beard and tattoos will just be like, well, it's true.

Bread normalizes fruit. And then fucking people will just be like, I mean, I can't argue with him. I got to be an incel. I got to start. start I gotta fucking give up any sort of fucking even just jerking off just I gotta be an incel

uh I don't know what else I guess that's about it. Should we do any kind of things? Do we have like misconnections or do we have questions? What do we got here? Oh.

Oh, wow, dude. Whoa. First of all, Kenny, Chris, Chris, this is by John Lindros at true underscore baby 97. Cool.

Chris, Chris, what do you think of the name of Kenny Chesney's new tour? Okay. Those of you that don't know what it is, I'll tell you right now. It's called chillaxification dude now let me tell you something tour 2020 starring kenny chesney course chillaxification florida georgia line course and old dominion and michael frantian spearhead. Dude, let's just break that down. Chillaxification.

Now, if I hear somebody say chillax, go to lunch. I'm out i don't deal with you in a respectful way anymore unless you're like a housewife because then i get it you're not hip to what's hip but if you're just like a dude and you say like yeah the bros are coming over to fucking chillax a little bit uh you know we're just gonna chillax no all right i don't do the two words that are added into one word i don't do the fucking ginormous bro that makes me want to fucking fantabulous see ya um so chillax no okay ification okay that's another two words that's actually maybe three words together it's

it's californication actually maybe three words together. Californication. So that's like vacation. If, chalaxification. So there's actually three letters in there that don't even need to, really to make it, to make me stop hearing bacons, chalaxification would make me hear less bacons, right? But chillaxification, it's like saying, like, you know, doing the thing where it's like, when people think that it's funny to say breastises still, even though David Allen Greer made that shit funny in fucking 1943,

and then it was funny for about 10 years because David Allen Greer did it, so stop doing it now. But chillaxification is then four words together, but they all multiply each other. So let's put it this way. It's not four words.

It's four times four or some shit. So that's 16% of how many, 16 times how many bacons I'm hearing. Promoted by sponsor Blue Chair Bay, which I don't even know what it is. Dude, Kenny Chesney, for real,

this is something I know, bought an island. How? First of all all he must be so rich let's look at his fucking net worth right here even though this is so wrong you can look up any celebrities net worth and it's mostly wrong but it's still something I go by because the internet

said it net worth net worth 190 million and he's probably my age right who is the richest country singer in the world toby keith 500 million yep dude bro 500 million for singing about your dog you know what i mean dollylly Parton, $400 million. Shania Twain, $350 million. Honestly, that doesn't impress me much. George Strait, $300 million.

Kenny Rogers, $250 million. Taylor Swift, well, okay, $200 million. Garth Brooks, $150 million. Johnny Cash, $120 million. Well, I know there's a problem there because he's not spending any of it right now Garth Brooks wow Garth Brooks is

not the wow Toby Keith and I don't even know if Toby Keith walked through the door I would straight up be like hey man can I help you I don't even know, if Toby Keith walked through the door, I would straight up be like, hey man, can I help you? I wouldn't know who he is.

Toby B. Keith. Let's look him up. Toby Keith Morrison. Toby Keith, bro. Let's look him up. $500 million. Yeah. If this guy walked through the door, I wouldn't know who he was.

Wow, he looks severely different in all of these Google images. Whoa, is this guy a shapeshifter? I mean... God, this guy's white, huh? He literally is so white, it looks like somebody would be like, yeah, my friend's a black guy, and he would be like, a what? He'd be like a black guy, and he goes like this, sorry, I don't follow. And he'd be like, what do you mean?

He's like, what are you talking about? He says, my buddy's a black guy and he would be like yeah no i know what you're saying but i can't understand what you're what do you mean he was like we know it's like a he's like african-american descent like he's a he says and then toby keith would say what you say i'm sorry i don't know what you don't get he says well what are you saying you're saying he says well you know how you're white. And Toby Keith would be like, well, yeah, you're goddamn right I'm white. And he'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, chill.

Yeah, no, I understand. And I'm white as well. And he was like, of course you are. And then he'd be like, okay, well, my friend is not white. And then Toby Keith looks like he would, after that point, Toby Keith would laugh for fucking four straight minutes. And then he would be like, ah, wiping tears away from his fucking cowboy eyes and just be like and then he would say like

well what is what is he and he says that's what i'm saying he's black and he's like like a black like he's the color and he's well, he's kind of brownish, actually, you know? And I'd be like, so he's a brown guy? And he'd be like, no. And he'd say, have you ever seen somebody not white? And then Toby Keef would laugh for fucking six more minutes and cry laughing. And then fucking start laughing. What are you talking about, man?

And then he would just start being like. My dog. In my house. Playing the radio. Dude, country songs love singing about playing the radio. It's unreal how many country songs are like, I turn the radio on. Skip it, bro. You're like a fucking chick eating sushi talking about sushi. See ya.

You're boring. Don't talk about the thing you're doing. Talk about something see ya you're boring don't talk about the thing you're doing talk about something else while you're doing the thing this way you cover more ground and you can have a personality every fucking country singer just like we turn the radio on sitting back yeah top down and we're rolling to the freeway fucking 91 don't just name freeways and ooh the breeze feels i don't give a shit. And ooh, the breeze feels. I don't give a shit how the breeze feels. The breeze feels how the breeze feels.

Clouds are coming. I'd much rather listen to something like fucking La La La La La Wait till I get my money right. La La La La

It's Ronnie Cruz. Brownie-o-nune. Yodely-yodely-o-ho. Fucking that is the shit compared to de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de- my fucking private jet and it's sponsored by blue chair bay and florida georgia line gonna be there and there will literally be nobody in this fucking concert fan or artist that's not wearing a tank top and fucking shorts with cargo pants on even though shorts should never have cargo pants shorts should never have cargo pockets because shortsorts should never have cargo pockets. Because shorts are shorts. And pants should have only the fucking cargo pockets.

Because they only need... It's like, do you want fabric or not? Don't just take the fabric off your shins. And then put more fabric above your knee. And create a pocket. If Toby Keith walked into a fucking, for real real Popeye's chicken, he would be like, what's going on, man? What the fuck? What is going on? Oh my God. Are you kidding me? Who are these people?

Dude. Oh shit. My fucking thing went out. Who are these people? It's good. Oh man! He could walk into fucking... What's the fucking boulevard alvarado boulevard and just see a whole bunch of mexicans and he told me he would drive through his drive would drive through and he'd be like wait a minute man pull over for a second roll down these windows Oh, look at this, man.

You see that thing next to that frilly donkey? That's hanging right there? The pinata, sir? The what? What did you say? The pinata. The pin what? I'm talking about the frilly donkey there, the colorful one.

Who are those people smacking that thing? Kids? No, yeah, I mean, what is the color of them? We're late. Let's go. Let's go. we're late let's go if toby keith stepped into a glendale galleria he would be like oh what is going on man oh i'm sorry man let me just get i know see i came here to fix my phone in this kiosk but what do you do

sir you're a person right okay like a regular person what color are you and what is the chain man and what is up with all that hair? You're from where now? Where in America is that? Hey, bro, it's not in America, man. Hey, first of all, stand back, bro. Oh, man, I get a lot of this guy, man. How are you? Hey, bro, don't come in my face this guy, man. How are you?

Hey, bro, don't come in my face like that, bro. You're yelling at me right now, man, and the tip of your cowboy hat is hitting my fucking eyebrows. Speaking of eyebrows, man. Oh, that was thicker than my bankrolls, man. Woo-hoo-hoo. I got to get out of here, man. Y'all are too much, man. Y'all are too much. We're united.

Everybody loves everyone. I saw a brown guy and another brown kid and then a brown guy. They were in white. They were another color. And my white friend assured me that they were still people. I said, whoa, who are you? Are you a real person? But it's not my fault because I'm so white. I'm translucent. I got a beard, of course. And my cowboy hat goes down in the front, but up on the sides. Fucking, I have 500 million dollars and I've never seen someone not tan.

Never seen someone who's darker than a tan. I don't even get tan, I get pink. I'm the color of balls. I'm the color of under a turkey's beak shit dude also dude also dude Toby Keith hasn't worked out a day in his life dude he just chills man he wears pants 30 of the time dude he doesn't give a shit he's literally taking rides in a car

and got out of his house with no pants on got in the car no pants drove to starbucks had somebody get out get in the car starbucks fucking went back to his house all with no pants on dude he's for sure done it dude he's for sure done it holy fucking shit dude god damn it i've never seen a guy be fucking so good looking and also so not good looking it's unreal this guy's great he's great he's great he's the mic Mickey Rourke fucking country singer. Mickey Rourke is like the handsomest motherfucker and also looks like a rock. All right, dude.

I'm out of here, man. Fucking thanks for bringing chillaxification to my fucking attention, dude. Oh, fuck. How many denim shirts do you think he has, huh? All right, dude. All right, dude i'll all right dude all right dude i'll see you in fucking dude i am a mad man thank god uh i'll see you i'll see you in santa barbara i'll see you in riverside i'll see you in san diego i'll see you in foxwoods i'll see you in bethlehem i'll see you in rochester royal oak new buffalo minneapolis the taping of my

of my netflix special minne Minneapolis. That's Tampa, Florida. I can't wait till Minneapolis. Tampa, Florida, Melbourne, Florida, Hollywood, Florida, El Paso, Houston, Peoria, Illinois, fucking Chicago, Illinois, New Year's Eve. Come see me in Chicago, my biggest, and celebrate the new year with me. Anyway, dude, you guys are great and support the show. We got new merch. We got Life Rips hoodies and T-shirts.

Those are going bonkers. And all the other stuff for sale. Thanks so much, you guys. And remember, fucking just, I don't know. It doesn't matter. Dude, I'll check you guys later. Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucker You're dead Motherfucker

Motherfucker Motherfucker