Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 142. Tim Hanginoncross

Episode Date: October 16, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about the Dutch family that hid for 9 years in a basement, the excessive amount of announcements on flights, checking into the MGM Grand Detroit, losing Airpods, and we answer some Twitter questions. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply here we go. Ready? What's up, my babies? It's episode 142 of Congratulations. And here we're going. Here we're going here we're going um so um i'm chris d'elea for those of you the first time listeners and aren't familiar with my comedy and aren't familiar with my podcast um and i will be

uh in well let's see there's still a few tickets left in san diego uh on sat Saturday. So you can get tickets to see me in San Diego. And there are a few tickets left in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. And I don't know where there are tickets left, but I'm coming to Detroit, Minneapolis, Tampa, Florida. You can just check out all the things, El Paso. And come see me at a show. Recent developments starting out. I got a – you guys can text me, and it's really me.

And a lot of people are asking if it's really me. I have a bunch of people texting me. You can text me at 818-239-7087. And it's really me. I respond to you. And if you don't believe me, check for yourself. If you want to make it easier on yourself, just go to my Instagram and hit the text button and it'll go right to my number and I can see your messages.

A lot of people are texting me, so it's taken a bit for me to get through them, but that's really me and you can do it. And you don't have to say is this really you is this a scam because you can hear my voice right now it's not a scam and tis really me um so come to see me in san diego but yeah it's it's cool it's a more um you know fuck it everyone has your number anyway they can just dm you or fucking tweet you it's the same shit as having your number so fuck it text me drinking i've been drinking i've been drinking whoa girl power you know i've been drinking i've been drinking wait a minute a girl said something so anyway, I'm chilling my babies. I did some makeup dates cause I did a army of the dead, the movie army of the dead, which I think is coming out next winter or something like that.

I don't know. Just kind of saying stuff. And, uh, so I had to do a bunch of makeup dates and because of that, I wanted to do them as early as I could. And because of that, last weekend, I was flying all over creation. I went to Detroit, did a show, then came back the next day, did a show in Santa Barbara, and then the next day flew to Florida and did one at FAU. Now, was that entirely too much traveling? Yes. Was I jet lagged? Yes.

Did I even know where I was when I opened my eyes whenever I took a cat nap? No. Does that mean that I was a little bit more depressed than usual? Yes. Did I even know where I was when I opened my eyes whenever I took a cat nap? No. Does that mean that I was a little bit more depressed than usual? Yes. Did I come out of it? Not yet. Will I? Probably. Will I too late and then have to travel again right when I come out of it? Yes. Is that just the way life goes? Yes. Does life still rip? You're goddamn right, life still rips. Dude, you know what I realized after I started saying life rips? That life really rips. I really started realizing that actually life really rips.

I came out with the episode life rips, then came out with the sub-sequential. What's the word? Sub-sequential? Sequential? Subsequent episode? Life rips again. And then that's when I realized that life kept ripping. Dude, people were saying, you know what?

Life does rip. And life rips is an attitude, my babies. And I can't help it. You know, people die of can'ts. Life still rips. Life can rip even on your deathbed dude um so that's it i can't wait till those hoodies get delivered and i start seeing everybody in those life rips fucking hoodies i can't wait to get mine dude just put it up fucking throw it on over my head and people just see me promoting how much life rips i should write a fucking book dude um anyway i was a little bit sick because i was doing my

shows and traveling all over creation dude you know what happens you know what happens too much man look here's the deal man either make it so i can watch movies no okay so if i'm on a plane make it so there's two options you got here planes don't turn on the back of the tv headrest until after the plane takes off. Or make it so I can watch movies right when I sit down, when I board the plane, and shut the fuck up over the PA. Okay? The amount of things that fucking flight attendants say when you board the plane is absolutely asinine. Is it all good? No.

Dude, you sit down. Well, we have to. Guys, if we can do a crunch back forward, you know, you got to put it back forward because, you know, if you don't do it, you know, you got to make sure it goes in on the top of the thing. If you don't get it to you, this is that's for the first thing. Then what we do is you got to sit down in the thing and move all the way toward it. Unfortunately, it's a full flight. Alright, dude. I'm trying to watch Spider-Man Far From Home, dude.

Do you understand me? Okay, so then say all the bullshit. Well, you can get rewards code. You get rewards platypus rewards codes. You can get rewards if you just sign you can get rewards code. You get rewards, platypus rewards codes. You can get rewards if you just sign up for the rewards codes

and then Wi-Fi, Fly-Fi, Pi-Fi, and then rewards codes and then make an upper-decker flag-shout and put your seat back in a flag-shout. All right, fine.

I'm trying to watch Spider-Man Far From Home. So then make it so you say all this shit and then the flight takes off and then i could turn on fucking pokemon dude the only time like it you can tell i'm on a flight if i'm watching pokemon i turned on pokemon dude

it's so weird how like flights will will have the movies that you can choose, and it'll be a bunch of new releases, and then all of a sudden it'll be like Rear Window. Why the fuck would you have Rear Window on JetBlue? What kind of fucking cinephile is going to be like, Oh, yeah. Who the fuck's going to watch Rear Window? Oh, yeah, it's been a while since I've seen that Hitchcock

movie. I'd love to see it in fucking a four-inch screen. Dude, the only person who's watching Rear Window, first of all, is watching it in a theater or at home. Nobody would ever watch a movie that a cinephile would watch in a fucking... on the back of a headrest.

Oh, cool. Oh, they got it to mama también. Oh, watch it in the back of someone's head. Oh, dude. What the fuck? They've got. What's that fucking movie that they would have? Oh, they've got what's that fucking movie that they would have oh they've got a fucking oh dude they've got a

Fellini collection oh well let me watch it on the back of someone's head oh they've got La Dolce Vita or whatever the fuck it's called oh dude let me watch it on the back of Rick's head. Yeah, let me watch

a fucking... What's that one that he... Oh, Lolita? Oh, Lolita? Let me watch it while I'm eating cashews, dude. Like this. Oh, this is the part where he tries to fuck the 14-year-old. And shut the fuck up while I'm trying to watch it, dude.

And if you want to have it. And we're just here to, and we're welcoming you, and you're welcome, welcome. We just want to welcome you while you walk into the thing. And remember, you can choose to fly wherever you want to choose. The fact that you chose, I fucking chose you. Why are you doing another commercial on this shit when i'm already riding the commercial it's so annoying dude it's annoying dude i'm trying to watch fucking aquaman

chill man and then the always the fucking hunky dory put your seatbelts on video comes on in the middle of you know you're getting you're just starting to get into the drop or whatever you're watching the drop with uh tom hardy and james gandolfini and then all of a sudden it's like hi we know here at american Airlines you can choose any flight. So what we want to do is make sure you're the most safety fecund because that's the safety first. Well, it's anything. Now, we've got an ambiguous, an androgynous person buckling up their seatbelts. And he's light-skinned.

You don't know what race he is. Whoops, you forgot something. Here's somebody. Here's a lady with a short haircut handing him a pamphlet on how to do it. Hey, look. We made it funky. There's twins sitting next to each other.

But they're like, one's eating pretzels and one's drinking a mart. Here at American Airlines, we know no matter what your race, gender, or fucking how tall you are, you can do whatever you want. But we're thankful that you fight us. And here we got a bunch of different Asian people doing a dance. Now take a seat.

There's the life vest. And there's the life vest under the thing. Make sure to always, even though you already know this, make sure to fucking put it on someone else before. Make sure you put it on yourself before you put it on anyone else. And you put it on yourself first because if you don't, and then you die, then the other person dies anyway. That's what we're secretly saying even though we don't say it.

A light-skinned guy. Whoopsie. Anyway, enjoy fucking Spider-Man Far From Home. I'm farting. We're shitting. Here's the men in black guys dancing around with some life vests. here's the men in black guys dancing around with some life vests so annoying dude just lem watch aquaman oh dude it's so pretentious that they have fucking the doce vita in the fucking thing dude

in the movie catalog you know it's like well movie catalog, you know? It's like, well, you never know, you know. Maybe because people want to watch The Deer Hunter. You never know, the people at JetBlue. You never know, dude. You never know. You may want to watch The Deer Hunter. Um, so yeah, so that's all I'm saying. So I flew. You know, and they, you know,

I fly first class, class obviously because fucking bizags and i gotta fly so many and you gotta put the money into while you're comfortable and so i did the fucking so so i flew and the thing never works dude the thing is always like you're always trying to hit the thing And it's like And you go Hi Hey the thing's not working Oh really let me give it a And they try the thing you tried

Okay well I just did that So now we got two people doing the same thing Okay Let me actually That's what they do And then they go up front And then you just wait a little bit And's what they do and then they go up front and then you just wait a little bit and then you hit it and then it does it like you need to fucking just massage it

what's that what's that song that would so be on the song and it's gonna be the best day of our life that would be the song that was in the fucking thing and it's gonna be the best day of our life. Dude, fuck that song. I'm kidding. It's real good. It's good. I just, you know, I don't know how to fucking judge music. I'm the worst. And it's going to be the best day of our life.

Yeah? You don't know that yet. Whoopsie, lost my leg. You don't know that. Never mind. Scratch that. And I shit my leg. You don't know that. Never mind. Scratch that. And I shit my pants. Whoopsie, I slipped and tripped and scraped my fucking thigh on a nail.

You don't know? You know what the best fucking shit is? I'll tell you, man. Whatever, dude. So anyway, I flew back and forth. Did a show. Let me just go over this dude because it was ripping did a show for in detroit somewhere near detroit no clue where i

was for a college did they laugh kinda were they offended when i did my jokes about the about black people kinda is it okay yes did i tell them to relax? Yeah. Don't care. Then went to do a show in Santa Barbara. Was great. Now, was the theater in Santa Barbara, did it look fucking so much like a theater in Santa Barbara would have? Yeah. Like, could it be mistaken for a church? Of course.

Every building in Santa Barbara could be mistaken for a church? Hey, yes. Why? Don't know. Every single building in Santa Barbara can be mistaken for a church. You can go into a Verizon Wireless and it looks like you're going to be talking to a pope. So did that. And then I flew all the way to fucking FAU.

And that shit ripped, dude. FAU students, oh man, you guys ripped, I don't know, there were like 3,000 kids there, and they just ripped, dude, I saw you with your no-dent shirts and your fucking silhouette tees, and it was awesome, you guys were ripping, somebody went up and did 35 minutes before me, then my opener went up and did 20 minutes, and then your boy was a little bit like well it's already been 55 minutes into the show are they tired and your boy still did 55 minutes and your boy still kept them entertained you kids have a good attention span so fau good college man it was fun then i got off stage and it was just it was fun dude love FAU. That whole fucking southern Florida shit, like southern Florida is too much. Like the south of Florida, like the tip, like Miami, that's way too involved. But if you go like an hour or two up or north, as they say, I'm no Magegellan but i like to call it up if you go an hour up that shit

fucking straight up it's so dope because people are a little bit assimilated you know what I mean? You go down into Miami? It's like fucking, it might as well be a, what do you call it? A festival, a fucking EDM festival all the time. Because guys are so fucking stocky. It's so stocky to be in Miami. Like to be a fucking white dude, a blonde white dude in Miami. It's so stocky. You're stocky to be in miami like to be a fucking white dude a blonde white dude in miami it's so stocky you're stocky you're wider than you are tall roll to the event

yeah triny hey what's up dude yeah we in miami we're just trying to get a fucking uh fucking shoulders wider i'm not gonna be happy till i have my fucking shoulders are as wide as a bench yeah fuck this shit man trying to make my head look real tiny you know what i mean I'm not going to be happy until my fucking shoulders are as wide as a bench. Yeah, fuck this shit, man. Trying to make my head look real tiny. You know what I mean? You understand? So, keep walking up if you're in Miami.

Then you get to real assimilated shit. What's up with this shit, dude? I've been seeing this thing around. A family, Dutch family waiting for end of time found in secret room. Okay, not secret anymore. Police discovered a hidden room at a remote farmhouse in the Netherlands. God, how many remote farmhouses are in the Netherlands? And how many of them have a secret room? Dude, every fucking farmhouse in the Netherlands is a secret room.

A family who spent nine years on a farm waiting for the end of time, quote, have been discovered by police in the Netherlands after one of them turned up at a local pub, reports say. I mean, you know, so Netherlandish. Local pub. Now, so Netherlandish. Local pub. A man of 58 and six young adults aged 18 to 25 were living at a farm in the province of Drenthe. Eh?

It's the Netherlands. Ends with an E, of course. Eh? It's Netherlandish. The family were found after the eldest of the children ordered beer at a bar in a nearby village of Ruinerwald. Eh? S'Netherlands. Drenth and Ruinerwald.

Eh? S'Netherland. Nobody with brown hair has ever been there. Only blonde. He then told staff he needed help. Broadcaster RTV Drenth reported, eh? It's a netherland. Hey, I need help. Hey, I mean, dude, ordered a beer and then asked for help.

Hey, man, you've been in a secret room for nine years. Hey, dude, ask for help immediately. Then get fucking liquored up. Ask for help immediately. Then get fucking liquored up. We found six people living in a small space in the house which could be locked but wasn't a basement. Ah, it's roundabout. Say it different.

So, Netherlands. Yeah, we found six people living in a small space in the house which could be locked but wasn't a basement. Hey, man, guess what? It's a basement. so you go downstairs right so this is what it is not a basement but you can go into the main uh area walk into the house then you go kind of in the back area then there are steps you travel to downstairs then there's a door and then inside that door that can be locked opens up and then it is a room not a basement do you mean well that's a basement no it wasn't basement. Do you mean, well, that's a basement?

No, it wasn't. Well, what do you mean? It's under the house, right? Yes, it was. Right, so it was a basement? No, it's a room, not a basement. Okay, how is it not a basement? Because it's what I'm saying.

Just what you have to do is trust us. Butters, shut the fuck up. You're an incel. The older man has been arrested. Natch. According to the family, he is the father of the six children, say police. Got probs. It was not clear whether they had been there voluntary.

Clear to me. Been held captive. Police added, police are dumb. The eldest son was not there at the time, police told the BBC. Local reports described the man as a handyman called joseph b who was a r&b singer so bro use your whole last name otherwise you're a fucking r&b singer who was originally from austria joseph b so an r&b singer in the 90s and did one song with Tupac and that was his biggest hit.

Ow! His number one hit, Not a Basement. Oh, we're so trapped. I've never seen anything like it, local mayor Roger DeGroote told reporters. Ow! Eh? It's the Netherlands. Roger DeGroote told reporters. Oh! Eh? It's the Netherlands. Roger DeGroote.

He revealed that some of the family had not been registered locally and also indicated that the 58-year-old was not the father. Okay? Okay. The public broadcaster said that the family had been living in isolation waiting for the end of time. Some mental props. Bar chris westerbeek it's netherland described how a man had come in ordered five beers and drunk them oh wow dude

oh my god dude i! I mean, priorities! Hey, what's up? Dude, can I get five beers, please? Well, yeah, do you want to order them one at a time? Eh, it doesn't matter. Yeah, cool, here, take one. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Do you want me to get another one?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Hey, do you want me to get my third beer? Oh, yeah, sure, that's fine. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Could I get my fourth beer, please? Yeah, sure. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Hey, I'd really like another beer. Oh, yeah, sure. That's fine. Could I get my fourth beer, please? Yeah, sure. I'd really like another beer. Oh, that's a lot, but okay.

Okay. So anyway, I've been captured for nine years, and I'm waiting for the end of time in a secret room, not a basement over in a farmhouse in the Netherlands. What? What? I mean, dude, tell him before the first beer. What? I mean, dude, tell him before the first beer. Oh, my God, look at this. Bar owner Chris Westerbeek, Sutherland, described how a man had come in, ordered five beers, and drunk then.

Then I had a chat with him, and he revealed he had run away and needed help. Then we called the police he added he had long hair a dirty beard wore old clothes and looked confused that's literally everybody in the netherlands has anybody in the netherlands not looked confused or had a dirty beard and long hair and weren't on clothes dude they're still on them fucking cross-collars. You know what I mean? They're still on fucking union. What was that fucking? They're still on Miller's. They wear Miller's outpost.

Oh, dude. Oh, every fucking fifth person in the Netherlands wears Miller's outpost still. Yeah, well, I don't see the problem. They have good deals, and they are still everywhere. So I got Jinko jeans from them and i have a cross-colored shirt it's fine for middles outpost really is good for a lot of back to school stuff there knows up was killed it on the back to school shit i literally just found out it was a chain i thought it was only a fucking place in La Cunada that you go to for back-to-school shit.

Anyway, he said he had never been to school and hadn't been to the barber for 90 years. Hey, guy, go. He said he had brothers and sisters who lived at the farm. He said he was the oldest and wanted to end the way they were living. Okay. Officers visited the room and carried out a search. They discovered a hidden staircase behind a cupboard in a living room. I mean, why are they fucking so intent on making sure that we think that this is not a basement?

Who gives a shit? Like, what happened in basements in the netherlands that they're like uh we don't that's like germans with the fucking they're not not liking to talk about world war two no not a basement no no no no no no no no no wow local postman said he had never delivered a leather it's actually pretty strange now to come to think about it. Oh, wow. Check this out.

You thought everything else was in that Netherlands? Check this out. The local postman said he had never just wait till the end of this fucking sentence. This is the most shit you've ever heard. This is the most Netherlands sentence you'll ever hear in your life. And the first 80% of the sentence isn't even at all any netherland shit that's how netherland it is at the end of the sentence check it out the local postman said he had never delivered a letter a letter there it's actually pretty strange now i come to think about it he told aglamine dagblad

news website aglamine dagblad dude one time i saw a comment on my podcast he was like i like his stand-up but this podcast sucks what the fuck i don't get it it's not even funny all it is is him making sounds uh anyway jesus christ these names yesterday some reported to us that they were worried about the living conditions of people in a house in budenhuserweg in, I mean, come on, dude, they're just fucking with us at this point. I get it. After years of searching, I found my sister next door. Okay. Anyway, that's wild, man. How many,

how many years would it take for me? How many, I mean, how many, how long would it take I mean how many how long would it take for me to be in a basement sorry not a basement Netherlands but for me to be there to where I would be like okay I actually think maybe not it won't be the end of time anytime soon so let's just go outside

I'm real hungry and I want to get my fucking hair cut maybe four days. No, four hours. Oh, dude, it's the end of times. Yeah, dude, for real. You go downstairs and then you're like, all right, actually, it's probably okay.

The quality of life isn't worth living down here in this basement, so let's just go. Because there's fucking and sucking to get done okay here we go um yeah so text me right because you can do that now uh 818-239-7087. Somebody just texted me. Come to Philly. My mom wants to make you homemade pasta. Okay, Tom.

That's Tom. This guy wrote, Yo, Chris, I's Tom. This guy wrote, Yo, Chris, I doubt this is actually you. Doubt. Wow, this guy spelled doubt so fucked up that I don't remember how to spell doubt. D-O-U-G-H-T. Hey, I dot.

Chris, I... Hey, Chris Daughtughtry this is actually you I'm gonna just write him back doubt the right way like a dick doubt D-O-U-B that's doubt

but thank you I'm writing yeah I'm texting back, baby. A lot of people are doing it already. Cool. Sounds good. Uh, all right. Well, yeah. So anyway, text me. I'll be in San Diego. I want to know, dude, I checked it by the way, I stayed at the MGM grand in Detroit. And then now, you know,

in retrospect, I can say it can't say it beforehand because then you guys will show up. But I stayed at the MGM in grand in Detroit. And I was, uh, I was checking in and the lady was so nice. She was like, Hey, how you doing? And I was like, Hey, what was so nice. She was like, Hey,

how you doing? And I was like, Hey, what's up? And she was like, so to get this started, I just need your, um,

ID and your credit card. And I was like, cool, there you go. And then I was texting. I was on my phone, which is annoying as fuck. Actually,

I probably shouldn't have been. It's actually probably so annoying for people checking in stuff, uh doing their hotel job and you're like texting and talking to them so she was like all right here you go you're on the top floor to get to the top floor 17 what you got to do is put your put put the um hotel card in it take it out and then and then press the button otherwise you ain't gonna get to the 17th floor i was like all right cool and she was like all right and then she was like and i checked in my buddy to pay for the hotel room and oh wait that's the time I could do this checked in with my buddy paid for the hotel room and it's after the fact

and then and then I and then she was like alright and I was like shit I'm sorry I'm texting my bad and she was like it's okay and then she was like as long as you're paying attention.

And I was like, yeah. And I checked in Craig, my opener. And then I said, okay, thanks. And she said, she was like, so how do you get to your floor? And I was like, what? She's like, tell me how you get to your floor. I was like, I just, I put the card in and then I hit the button. And she was like, no, you take it out first.

And I was like, yeah, I know how to fucking use an elevator. And she was like, well, you ain't listening. Oh, man, it was so funny, dude. I was like, yeah, I know. You put it in, you take it out, and then you hit the fucking top floor. And she was like, all right, well, I'm just making sure. It really brought me back to New Jersey, like when i was growing up that's how people i i just love it i love it when someone can lovingly like rib you like that you know if you did that in la someone would file

a lawsuit um anyway i thought it'd be good to stay in the casino because of how it would be everything would be right there I don't understand people do this I asked the guy I walked down to the thing and they were checking IDs and I was like hey is there a Starbucks in there and the guy goes like this

nope and I'm like okay waiting for you to still talk because it's still your turn. And he says, but there is a beanery over there if you want. And I was like, yeah, I mean, dude, that's what I'm talking about. I'm not like, I mean coffee. It's like if you say Kleenex, you have a Kleenex. People are like, no, we have other tissues though. You have a Starbucks?

There's a coffee place over there. It's not a Starbucks though. The guy just goes, nope. Like, ass a dick. Okay. I waited though. I stay in the cut, dude. When someone's rude, I stay in the cut. I take out a magazine. I start reading and I stay in the cut dude when someone's rude i i stay in the i take out a

magazine i start reading and i stay in the cut because it's still your turn to talk you don't make it awkward for me bro go ahead feel the rudeness judo baby i'm taking your momentum and i'm putting it back on you i'm a black belt in conversational judo. That's it. So he goes, nope, and I lay in the cut. Tick-tock, motherfucker. And then he says, but there's a beanery. Oh, shit. Conversational judo, dude.

We've been over this. When somebody says, you don't remember my name huh i fucking move closer and i keep hold of your hand while shaking and i say nope did it on set of army the dead you don't remember my name huh a week in and i said nah and she says well it's this i don't want to you know expose her but she was like well it's this. I don't want to expose her. But she was like, well, it's this. I said, all right, cool. Now I know.

She's like, well, I already told you. All right. So I'm the dick, I guess. Yeah. I don't know. But what was I going to say? I'm on my fourth set of AirPods, by the way. Dude, here's the deal, Apple.

Make them square. So they don't fucking fall out of your sideways pockets. This shit is, they have, I swear to God, they have oil. They're so glossy. This is my fourth fucking pair. They make them so aerodynamic. There's no reason to make the fucking case aerodynamic. They're in my pocket.

Okay? They're gonna be slipping out. They want you to drop them. This is a conspiracy for real. Apple wants you to drop them so you buy another pair. I know all your shit is curvy and all that, but stop with the curvy shit. Make the AirPods square. You take them out.

You take them out. They're still curvy. You take out the fucking things. They're curvy. The little buds are curvy. Everything's curvy. Dude, I've dropped them so many times and I got to. How about when you drop something, how far it goes?

Do you know what I'm talking about? It's never right there on your goddamn foot. That's where I dropped it. Dude, you drop something, this shit is in fucking Taiwan always, man. You drop something in the car, check the trunk. If you're driving, you drop something in the car, check the trunk. It's never there. It's always in the back seat if you drop air pods prepare to walk get

your fucking walking shoes on dude it's so annoying how far it fucking you drop your AirPods, dude, be prepared. It's so annoying, dude. Whoops, dropped my AirPods. These boots are made for walking. That's just what they'll do. These boots are made for walking, and I'll walk all over you. So didn't try with it, and that's just what they'll do. These boots are made for walking and I'll walk all over you. So didn't try with the and that's just what they'll do part. Just wanted it to rhyme at the

end. Try harder. But this song's such a hit though. It's got 134 million views on fucking YouTube. These boots are made for walking and I'll walk all over you. Dude, music. You know how it used to be? on fucking YouTube. His boots are made for walking in the local... Dude, music.

You know how it used to be? We all live in a yellow submarine. Okay. That's crazy that that was a song. That is absolutely crazy that that's a song. And now, this is a song. Crazy that that's a song.

And now this is a song. Dude, crazy that we all live in a yellow submarine was a song. And now this is a song. Okay. All right. Wow, dude. alright wow dude 2 Chainz dresses like a fucking 2 year old on Halloween like a full leopard print thing

and like some really really big shoes like that's what a fucking daughter would wear that came out 3 years ago um anyway what a fucking daughter would wear that came out three years ago. Anyway. Yeah, but these AirPods are pissing me off. I'm done talking about AirPods, dude.

I'm still reading. I try to read. I'm reading the book It. I'm trying it because I like to see where it came from because I like to read i i'm reading the book it i'm trying it because i like i like to see where they where it came from because i like to read the i like to read the shit if the movie gets popular and i'm like fucking 100 pages in i don't even know i don't know dude i'm such an idiot man you try reading books and shit it's just like what if you dip out for one paragraph

and just start thinking about sex, you're fucked. You got to go back like three pages. I'm hot. Like both sweaty and fucking sexy as shit. I need some time for walking. Anyway, text me again you could text me at um 818-239-7087 that's what's up my babies gotta get all your messages um so yeah what else

we doing we taking over dude i'm a good singer man i should practice more because then i could fucking give josh groban a run for his money you raise me up higher than a mountain you raise me up oh fucking so high you're my dad or whatever that song is about um anyway do we have uh what do you call it uh anything like uh things okay let's do some questions bro we haven't done this in a while let's do some questions um oh interesting on episode 36 this is by wade not 9810 on episode 36 you answered a twitter question about wearing sunglasses indoors and said it was terrible did you change your mind or did your future just get so bright that it became a health hazard and you had to?

So I understand. Mm, future's too bright. Mm, future's so bright. So yeah, I wear sunglasses indoors because of my future. But here's the deal, man. You can kind of do anything as long as your attitude is like, fucking fuck you. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I was thinking about this the other day. fuck you you know i'm saying like i was thinking about this the other day uh if you wear tivas or birkenstocks or doc martens like my point is if you wear some real corny fucking shit okay and if you're wearing it because you're not thinking about what you're wearing and you're just like oh someone gave me those or i'll wear them or okay cool i'll put them on because they're convenient or they're comfortable then you're a fucking dork but if you legit think whoa tivas are the shit and're like, I know they're not in fashion, but fuck y'all because I think they're the shit, then more power to you.

Most guys who wear sunglasses at night or indoors, they're wearing them because they're insecure, and they want to show you how cool they are. But if you actually are like, fuck y'all, I'm going to wear these indoors because I'm a fucking motherfucker, then dude, that's some serious Jeremy Renner shit. If you're wearing a long coat in the desert just because someone made you think it's a good idea, then straight up. But if you're wearing it because you think long coats are the shit and short coats can go suck dicks,

then honestly... So there's no mind-changing, babies. Now, that doesn't mean that daddy doesn't change his mind no daddy changes his mind because changing your mind is all about growth and the world changes so you have to when people are like fuck change that's crazy to me for life to continue to rip you have to keep changing we grow every cell in your body wasn't in your body about 10 years ago they're all new cells and i think that that's true probably because neil brennan told me so anyway yeah that's some real shit

is there another question thanks for your question wade 9810 austin burns at austin dolphins chris leah thoughts on fantasy football i mean wants me to fucking be favorable about it because his name is dolphins in it um bro my brother does fantasy baseball and shit and look let we know obviously there is absolutely nothing dorkier than fantasy football everybody knows it's all good and it's fine. And it's fine. It's all good. Now, is fantasy football dorky?

Yes. Is it all good? Yeah. Don't do fantasy football and think it's not dorky. You know what? I'm a fucking dork. If you're doing fantasy football, you're basically the guy saying, well, I just think it's interesting because the original comics that Wolverine had, he had a different outfit on. And whatever, if they're going to update it, it's fine, but still

stick true to the thing, but they're not really doing that, and that's fine. Basically, that's what you're doing. If you're like, oh, shit, dude, Tim Salmon's fucking got some shit, so now I'm fucking my shit is my fucking team's on top because Tim Salmon. You're basically saying,

look, I just think it's funny that the juggernaut could go through walls and it's like obviously he could be stopped, but Nightcrawler, all he needs to do is take care of business and he's not doing that. That's basically what you're doing. Is you're saying, I just think it's funny that Todd Zeal

obviously he could do a little bit better, but he's not because of the injury and it sucks because he's on my, he's on my fucking fantasy team. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh yeah, Todd Zeal's on my fantasy team. No, he's not, dude. Todd Zeal's on the Cardinals and that's it. Now, do I have any new players?

No. Isn't Molina a player? The shortstop guy Molina's killing it because he's he's my shortstop I'm a fan he's on my fantasy team no he's not he's only on St. Louis he's only on the Cardinals Molina's not on your team you know why because Molina's not on your team number one and Molina's on St. Louis number Number three, you don't have a team. You're dark. It's a fantasy football.

Take a hike. My brother will go like, bro, my fantasy team's killing it. And I go, that doesn't fucking matter. And he laughs because he knows, dork. You know? How about the dorkiest shit about the fantasy football are the names that people use for their fucking teams it's like that's the only thing worse than band names like sparkle horse you know uh yeah what what is this shit people say do you have people come at me they say oh you don't have

where are the they say hey chris lee are you holding the first 14 41 episodes of congrats pod hostage how am i supposed to be true if i don't access to all the baby things dude they're up there look for them they're all available bro. What am I, your fucking grandma? Use Google. Anyway, dude. What else? Any other questions? Juan Fier says this one's funny, so if it's not.

Congratulations, pot. This is by Jixi24, Baby Squirrel. baby squirrel okay obviously you know what's coming change it Oh, wow. Okay, stagecoach. New lineup again? Didn't they just fucking do stagecoach? I swear every two weeks there's a new lineup for fucking stagecoach. Okay, let's click on it. Now, get...

The stagecoach... You know what pisses me off? The stagecoach font. It looks like some old lady shit. That font that they use is a font. The stagecoach font that they use, the official stagecoach font that you always see the word stagecoach in, is so the font that a store would use that my mom would walk by and fucking window shop at. I like the, you see that? would use that my mom would walk by and fucking window shop at.

I like the... You see that? You should get that for your girlfriend. That's what my mom would do. You should get that. You should get that for... You should get that for your aunt. Right there. She likes those kinds of things

and Christmas is coming up. These are the people. California's country music festival. Dude, every two weeks is staged. Excuse me, every two weeks. I already did this, but I guess it's funny. Thomas Rhett. Brett Young.

Dustin Lynch. I can't believe these people's fucking names, man. I mean, as Netherlandish as the Netherlandish names are, the stagecoach names are the stagecoach names. I mean, the guy's goddamn name is Eric Church. Sreligious.

Eric Church, Tim Pugh, and Josh fucking Pastor. And fucking Pastor. And fucking Brian Lord Lover. And Tim Hanging on Cross. Tim Hanging on Cross.

Hey, what's up? I'm Tim Hanging on Cross. Hey, what's up? I'm Tim Hanging on Cross. Come on down to Stagecoach, where we guarantee we use the font that Chris's mom will fucking stop at a store and window shop. Thomas Rhett, Brett Young, Dustin Lynn. Come on down to Stagecoach, where everyone's way too what what why. Come on down to Stagecoach, where everyone's name is too too what what why. All right, we got Thomas Rhett here in the house. Brett Young, Dustin Lynch, Billy Ray Cyrus.

Morgan Wallen, Lil Nas X. The only guy who doesn't have a what what why name. He's the only guy who's not what what why. Anyway, we got Mitchell Tenpenny, Nicky Lane, of course. Ray Lane, one word, of course. Hardy, of course. Pam Tillis. Ingrid Andres.

The last Bandoleros, which is somehow fucking whiter, even though it sounds Mexican. Sabour! And then we have Willie Jones and Whitney Rose. I can't believe these names, dude. Carrie Underwood, of course. Dan plus Shea. Midlands, easy top. Low cash.

Teddy Ross. Courtney Marie Andrews. Peyton Smith. The guys in the littlest font are the best. I mean, dude, the Hayden triplets. Oh my fuck. The Hayden triplets, dude? So white.

The whitest shit. First of all, it's so white to be triplets. You know what I mean? Like, if you have fucking two more of you next to you that's the whitest shit ever wow wow um

I don't know what else to fucking even say about that. How about the fuck that... Do you ever see the picture? I got to tweet this picture. Why are there so many pictures of Vladimir Putin chilling so hard? You Google Vladimir Putin, you'll see him just like on a rock looking like it's his library. Dude, he couldn't be sitting more like he's in libraries everywhere he goes.

He's chilling. Even when he's sitting on a horse, he just literally has a look of like, I have a library at my house. These pictures are unreal. What else have we got, pictures? No, of, remember you questions that's it do we have uh no misconnections or whatever whatever bro it's all good let me look at my fucking texts and see who's got what let me see who's texting me i don't have a fucking thing here

was texting me. I don't have a fucking thing here. Guy writes, hey, can I send you a shirt and a beanie? Man, I don't know. I'm writing. I back time, someone sends me a shirt. It seems like it would fit only a child. I got to keep it real, man. There you go. Aiden just texted you back. Dude, I got to keep it real. I can't. I can't front.

There's this weird thing that's going on in comedy. And it's like, it's this thing where like people want to like the, because the left is being so pussified that these comedians want to fucking quote unquote tell it like it is. And that's becoming really increasingly annoying. Like any reaction to something that's so drastic is also annoying. So like there's this thing where it's like some comedians are really good at it. Like Bill Burr, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. They do the telling it like it is.

At the it meets the funniness. But some comedians are like, bro, I just got to keep it real and tell it like it is. And they do it so hard that they're not being funny as well. Like that should never be the forefront. I've been thinking about this, man. So many comedians are trying to tell it like it is, that it isn't being funny. And then there's enough people in the world that will like you no matter what, if you have some sort of fan base, because there's fucking 7 billion people out there,

that some people will just be like, hey, man, props to you for keeping it real. No, not props to that person for keeping it real. Stop keeping it real. Be funny. to that person for keeping it real stop keeping it real be funny i don't want to keep it real even though you know daddy's got to keep it real because he's the two-part comedy but really be funny that's why i always say we're down for a silly goose time and that's it man i don't want you to mistake me for one of those motherfuckers that's always telling it like it is. Bro, keep in mind, always underlying.

I ain't got no motherfucking friends. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat. But also, on stage, silly goose time shit. You gotta mix the fucking. I ain't got no motherfucking. With the. Because if you just have the. then you won't have enough. But what we're really looking for is, you know what I'm saying?

Does that make sense for a hearing aid, for a hearing aid, for an audio aid? Does that make sense to you? It's not enough to just keep it real, be funny. And that's all I have to say about that. And I still can't believe that fucking six people were in the Netherlands in a basement for nine years. And that's the only thing I've been thinking about

ever since I've been talking about it, this podcast. And it's all good. But dude, let me also say something else to you guys. I want to thank you for listening to this every week and being

and supporting me and coming out to the shows. It's just fucking awesome. And it's really cool to be able to share this podcast with you. And it's also really cool to what do you call be able to share this podcast with you. And it's also really cool to,

what do you call it? Be able to do what I do and I'm glad I get to make you laugh. And I mean that, man. And you can text me at the number I told you. Go to my Instagram and just click the text button. And you get to get the merch at chriscalia.com. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Rate and review the show. And tweet me by using the merch at ChrisGalea.com. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Rate and review the show.

And tweet me by using the hand. Tweet me, whatever. Video podcasts go up a day after the audio podcast. Very cool. Anyway, thanks for coming to see me in San Diego. I'll be there in a little bit. And you guys are awesome. Thanks, guys.

I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye. Congratulations. Talk to you later. Bye-bye. Congratulations! Thank you.