Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 143. Do Thought

Episode Date: October 22, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about having a van all weekend with his openers driving around Southern California, franks and burgers, mega preachers like Benny Hinn, speaking in tongues, Jared Harris, and having come around on San Diego. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply Yeah, dude, what's up? Welcome to Congratulations Podcast. It's episode 143. So, you know how it's going to be from now on, dude. Pretty much how it's been. So let's check out these website dates. Let's check out what days I'm going to what places. Now, a lot of these places are sold out, so I don't know which ones.

I'm just going to say them anyway. Foxwoods, Connecticut, November 1st. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania for some reason. November 2nd, even though Jesus isn't going to be there. It's called Bethlehem. November, even though Jesus is everywhere. Rochester, New York. I think that's sold out.

Royal Oak, Michigan. These are sold out. Tampa, Florida. I think I have maybe a little tickets left on the third show. Hollywood, Florida. El Paso, Texas. And Houston, Texas. Peoria, Illinois, December 29th, and then Chicago, Illinois for New Year's Eve. And anyway, yeah, dude.

So but that's that's those. So those are the dates. So go go to Chris. Leah dot com and get those tickets. Go to Chris. Leah dot com. Get dot com. Get those tickets you go to chrislea.com get the dot com get those tickets uh the life rips hoodies

and the t-shirts are shipping in three to two days about two days um and uh so they'll be headed sending out so you guys will be fucking ripping life and wearing the life rips hoodie and life is gonna just keep on ripping you know what i mean so just remember life keeps on fucking ripping and uh you know i never been so just remember life keeps on fucking ripping and uh you know i never been so excited for for some some merch because i love that shit i love life so uh you guys are great man uh some of you guys are probably fucking killers even that you listen to this you probably fucking killed someone and that's fucked up don't ever kill anybody and um i mean for the most part don't ever kill

anybody and then uh some of you guys do like shitty stuff even though you're listening you're true babies and you steal stuff and you steal stuff from people and you fucking rob people and you probably beat the shit out of people and that's not cool but for all of you guys that don't kill don't beat the shit out of people and don't rob stuff and don't do all this stuff like pillaging then you know what dude this one's for you you understand me but also let's do a fucking body check dude all right let's do a fucking body check we haven't done a body check on this show fucking lower back in pain always yes fucking dude did i sleep fucked up last two nights ago yeah did i wake up and did it fucking hurt my neck for some reason did it feel like i was sleeping literally on the top of my head and my body was straight up

fucking upside down like that yes did i wake up it didn't hurt so much yes could i not even work out yes did i still do sprints and try it yes did it loosen it up my body yes did it make me feel like i wish i did go to the gym yes but i didn I didn't, so it's all good. And then later on that night, did it hurt more? Yes. Did the pain start to move to the other side of my neck? Yes. Why does that happen? I don't know.

Okay. Does it still hurt this morning? Two days later? Yeah. All right. Is it okay? Sure. It's probably fine.

It's going to be fine in probably like three days. I'm not even 40 yet. I'm the youngest guy you've ever fucking met. dude my fucking lips are chapped too yes oh dude my lips are chapped fuck yeah dude even though i was in san diego and not fucking oh dude is san diego dry as shit maybe i don't even know but my lips are chapped yes were they chapped in places that they've never been chapped before yes do i usually get it on the fucking upper part of my lip? Yes. Was it on the fucking upper parts, but closer to the sides of my lips? Yes. Both? Yes. And dude, did those get better? And then did it get to the fucking good old timey upper part of the middle lip?

into the fucking good old timey upper part of the middle lip, yes, how does it move, pain and chapped lips move, my lips are fucking chapped, my lips are fucking chapped, my lips are fucking chapped, lips are chapped, my lips are fucking chapped, worst 80s rap song of all time no way dude the freaks come out at night my lips are fucking chapped uh so yeah killing it dude necks hurting backs hurting lips are chapped nice and every time i say a malady guess what happens people flood my dms oh you know what's actually good for it is a fucking holistic moment what you gotta do is a holistic moment. You can go to a doctor and say, I know you're coming to Minneapolis. I got a doctor. Guess what?

I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to go to a doctor and I'm not going to fucking... Dude, I'm old school, you know? Rub some fucking dirt on it, man. On my lips. But yeah, anyway, my lips are chapped. Drank so much water. Put some fucking Burt rub some fucking dirt on it man on my lips but yeah anyway my lips are chapped drank so much water put some fucking

it didn't help didn't help all good so anyway dude I fucking you know so I got chapped lips cool neck hurts back you know that song

my neck my, that shit's about fucking pain I have, has nothing to do with fucking, with being a slut, my neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack, it's deplorable, that shit was in like fucking 1999 too, she started getting whatever it was, so, so, so nasty like that, but let's fucking do this dude, I'm gonna tell you something right now, San Diego, you know how I feel about you, all right, you know how I felt about you in the past years, when I go to San Diego, when I play the La Jolla Comedy Store, it's always some fucking

holier-than-thou white guys that get drunk that think that everything's offensive. Even though it's filled with Republicans, it's still very weird. San Diego. You know when I played the House of Blues, I had to throw out people before I even got on stage because they were drunk princesses and bros.

Look, did I have a good time? No. Did I still get bags? Okay. Didn't like it. Added some dates on this follow the leader tour for, uh, uh, for, uh, uh, uh, for, uh, San Diego, put up one, sold out very quickly, put up another one, sold out very quickly, put up a third one, sold out, not as quickly, but still, even before the show started, all good, okay, now, I was ready, I was ready, dude, i was ready for some fucking combat comedy you know what i'm talking about and i don't like combat comedy a lot of people think that i do like combat comedy because i like to slam people but the truth is dude i don't like to slam people you understand sure i'll fucking open the door to you know to denny's for anybody, large or small, male, female, don't care. I don't even care if you have disabilities. Everyone gets equal slams. It doesn't matter.

Y'all feel like a person if you're going to fucking, you know what I mean? Step into the octagon. Now, you're going to get a Denny's Grand Slam if you fucking, so I'm ready for some comeback comedy. I don't like a lot of people think I do because I do it. I take it to the fucking streets of Twitter. I take it to the streets, you know, on my Laugh Factory YouTube. People are heckling and you got the videos and I'm just fucking talking shit. People think I like that.

I've weaned it out over the time because I have Netflix specials and a fucking Comedy Central special and people think that now that, okay, he's actually a legit comedian. He doesn't do all the only clapbacksbacks but that I'm ready to take it to the streets of Twitter but I do not want to I'm like one of those fucking sure I'm like one of those serial killers that's just like I don't want to do it you know but I have to no I'm not even that like a hitman I don't want to do that but I need to feed my. The feeding the family in this case is me showing people

what's up. That's the most important thing for me, showing people what's up. People say, Chris, but don't be mean. But I say, but look, you need to know, right? They say, but Chris, don't take him to the streets at Twitter. But I say, but he needs to know. But he didn't tag you. That's right. needs to know but he didn't tag you that's right because i searched my name but isn't that petty i don't think so i think more of it is that he needs to know you understand if this is the internet and this is what the internet is then that motherfucker needs to know what this internet is so that's it okay somebody did it just right now fucking somebody tweeted something i do slams whatever it doesn't matter dude my point is i was all ready for some combat comedy first show went off without a hitch second show went off without a hitch third show went out

now i threw a guy out but it was still not so bad for San Diego. It was fine. Did I throw out a guy? Yes. Did I do it very quickly? Yes. Did I do it in the part of my act where the only place I could do it? Yes.

Did the fucking security escort him out? Yes. Did he fucking throw down a trash can in the lobby when he was escorted out? Yes. Did he try and fight the security? Yes. Did they call the cops? Yes.

Did the cops come? Yes. Did they put him in handcuffs yes did his girl try and kick the cops and then the cops slammed the girl to the ground yes is that san diego yes but still once in a three shows in that bag so san diego i've come around dude dude i've come around man i had a good i had good three shows now one guy that was surely stockier than he is tall and had a backwards fucking hurley hat surely and had a flannel buttoned up all the way to his fucking neck surely and a girl with a group with a body that doesn't isn't that good but isn't pretty passable for not working out surely was trying to ruin it. But did the cops come and do a fucking

and put her on the ground and cuff him up and put him in the fucking drunk tank? Yes! So San Diego, I've come around, dude. Still to those people.

But also San Diego, I've come around. I'm a morning DJ, my babies. I got a fucking keyboard dude and I use it but that's it dude so I had a good time so San Diego dude I stayed at the fucking Pendry Hotel and usually when I go into

fucking a town you know in my head, I'm like, don't talk to me when I check in. I don't want people saying shit. I don't want to fucking, you know, I don't like to be bothered with fans. I like them when they like me from afar. But I don't like them, number one, staring. If you look at me, if you see me, what's the

50 cent sign? What's the 50 cent line? If you see me out in public, don't stare at me, man. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't know whatever the fuck it is. I used to think that was weird, but now I get it. Because I'm as famous as 50 Cent. So I see it. I don't like to be doing this shit. But then when they...

What was I saying? So... What was I saying? Oh, yeah. But secretly, I'm ready for it. It wasn't happening so much in san diego i was like is it because i'm close to la and it wasn't because i was close to la it was because i wasn't even close to the most famous person staying at the hotel because it was the san diego international film

festival now why do they call it the san diego international film festival when it's fucking 30 minutes away from la it doesn't need to say it's international even though it is international because you they accept fucking movies from all over the place i get it but don't say it to try to make your shit sound better it doesn't matter is it very san diegan yes but i was in the elevator and i saw the guy from fucking um chernobyl and i told my dad i saw the guy the lead from chernobyl and he said oh which one from Chernobyl and I said the fucking goddamn lead and he said well which one is that and I said did you see it and he said yes so I said well then the guy who is in it the most and then he said oh and he said

the guy's name and I didn't know what his name was and my mom said yeah and that whole conversation is interesting because it didn't need to happen. Do you understand? My dad's the king of that shit, dude. Yeah, I saw the lead of Chernobyl in an elevator. Oh, which one's the lead? Well, you're a fucking director and producer in Hollywood, so you surely know what a lead is, right? Well, yeah, but which one was it? Well, did you see the show well

i only saw the first three episodes oh okay so the guy that was in those episodes the most then he said the guy's name jared harris and then i said yes conversation over did we need to have it no people need to get their shit together, but I do that too. Like father, like son. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and it's not my fault. Did his dad, Vincent, do it? Probably. I don't know.

But did fucking my grandpa, everyone called him, his name, we called him Grandpa Bam. Everyone called him Bam because when he was a kid, he was skinny as a bamboo stick, but he wasn't skinny when he was older. So it was always confusing for me as a kid. My grandpa Bam. Anyway, it's fucking New York in the fucking 30s to be named Vincent, but also go by

Bam. You know what I mean? Like that old fucking uh uh like the old fucking like Hey Bam! Yeah? Don't call me that. Eh, you know. Dude.

Hey, Bam. Yeah? Eh, don't call me that. My name's Vincent. Nah. You're skinny like a bamboo stick. Yeah? Well, yeah, but I don't want to be called Bam.

Eh, it doesn't matter. And it stuck. And it kept sticking, and then just a montage of him growing up. Hey, getting in fights, fucking and shit. Hey, Dylan. And that's where I was. That's where I was. sticking and then just a montage of him growing up hey getting in fights fucking and shit hey dealing and that's where i was that's where i was everyone knew me as bam you know it kind of grew on me then just him fucking dealing drugs um so anyway bam my grandpa bam so whatever the fuck dude so anyway uh what i'm trying to say is uh san diego i've come around but uh it's all good and i was in riverside too everyone always

talks about look when you say you're going to Riverside, everyone always talks about how Riverside, they're like, oh, man, you stay in the night? I hope not. Dude, it fucking ripped. I did Riverside. I love performing in Riverside. Stayed the night in Riverside, okay? I stayed the night in Riverside, man.

That's an hour and a half away. I stayed the night, dudeide, man. That's an hour and a half away. I stayed the night, dude. Do you understand me? And I stayed in a hotel that was not good. Fine. Now, did... By the way, there was some kind of fucking bullshit parade in Riverside or something, and it really pissed me off.

I woke up. It woke me up in the morning. I heard people go like and then I was and I was like I was like am I dreaming this and then they just heard coming closer and closer and then I just kept hearing and I was like oh fucking Riverside dude it does suck man but then I woke up and there was just so much. I don't know what fucking parade was going on on Saturday or Friday. What was it, I guess?

It was Friday morning. Who the fuck has a parade on Friday morning? Riverside, that was the best they could get. They were like, can we get a Saturday or Sunday parade? And they were like, nah, it's Riverside, man, parades, they're moving, they get to San Diego and LA by fucking Saturday and Sunday, all right, let's just do it Friday, and then so they did their parade, I don't even know if there was a parade, I just kept fucking waking up, by the time I woke up, woke up, it was done, it wasn't really a parade, it definitely

wasn't a parade, though, it was like just people marching around and shit but then i went outside and i got some coffee that was good and i got a breakfast sandwich that was good and there was a coffee bean and tea leaf right there it was a cute little town dude i feel like riverside is on the come up man but i had a good time in riverside the the crowds are always good in riverside uh i don't know why people are always like yeah but that's because they don't have anything to do. Bro, they look like they're doing just fine. Also, some places that don't have anything to do, their crowds suck. Like in North Battleford when I was in Canada.

And every piece of artwork was a fucking tan and aquamarine eagle. So, but yeah, no. So I did the, so Riverside Show was fucking awesome. And then we went and we got a, oh dude, my fucking, both of the guys I took to open for me, Craig and Mike, were, dude, they took all the merch, they packed all the merch in, they didn't even pack it,

they put it in, I said, I'm getting a Sprinter van for the weekend, and they were like, ah, cool, and they usually pack up, like, three suitcases of merch, and stuff it all in there, and instead, they didn't, they just took the boxes of merch, and put all in there. And instead they didn't. They just took the boxes of merch and put it in the van on the way to Riverside.

And we got out of the car and I was like, what the fuck? And there were like eight boxes of merch. And I was like, what is all this shit? And they were like, oh, we'll just leave it in the van. And I was like, what? And they were like, we're just going to put it in the van, right? And I was like, no, what are you talking about said we're not well this van isn't with us for the weekend and i said fuck no it's not dude now let me explain why that's stupid now everybody

if you're like me your blood's boiling right now even just reminiscing about it okay now i want you to just take a second all right i want you to just relax i want you to just take a step right i want you to just relax i want you to fucking take that blood i want you to dial it down a notch i want you to fucking i want you to turn down the heat i want it to go from fucking medium to fucking light medium i want it to just i want you to take the oven and i want you to just turn it down okay now why does that make us mad now i'll tell you why it makes us mad Here's why Getting a car To take you from LA to Riverside

Is about $300 Getting a car To take you from Riverside to San Diego Is about $300 Getting a car from San Diego Back to LA Is about $500 That's all expense Doesn't matter getting your car from San Diego back to LA, it's about 500 bucks.

Okay. So you know what? That's all expense. Fine. It doesn't matter. Sure. I, I,

you know, I need to get there. Fucking bags, bags, understand, but need to bring it back. Okay. So that's about a fucking thousand dollars,

whatever you want to call it a little bit more than a thousand dollars. That's all good. Okay. Now, if I rent the goddamn driver all weekend, yeah, sure. No,

no dents, but that's going to be five grand. Okay? Now that's, well, it's actually going to be more than five grand. It's going to be fucking seven, eight, nine grand. Now, would I do that? Sure, no dents. But would I do that?

No, because it just makes no goddamn sense to anyone who's not a caveman. All right? Or a four-year-old. Okay? So there we go. Now, that's where the blood's fucking rising, okay? Now, of course, I told you to fucking tell that. Now, I understand if you're like me, if you're listening to me, and if you're a long-time fan of the show, then I understand.

Your blood's boiling because you're like me. You get it. We're part of the cult. When you're a cult, your blood boils together. So our blood is boiling. It's boiling. It's piping fucking hot, dude. and i'm mad now but let me tell you why why it's real hard to keep the blood from fucking really bursting out of my fucking eyeballs

okay mike's been opening me with me for six years. We have done hundreds and hundreds of cities. And we have never one time ever done it that way. Okay? So those of you still with us, those of you who didn't pass on yet because of the blood coming out of your eyes and ears okay because i'm zen right now i'm just chilling uh he says well fuck now we got to take all the boxes with us to the hotel and then back to San Diego and then back to the thing. And then we got to put it in the box. And I say, you know, when you get so mad that you're just kind of like, yeah, there's nothing he can do. And okay,

cool. So we'll just chill and I'll be mad. Right? I say, that's cool, man man i'm not carrying a fucking box so now he has to deal with it because he fucking this is my impression of him and then fucking craig too was like oh that's what i thought i thought that we were taking a oh yeah you got fucking 19 grand to just fucking, dude. I don't know. Quick farts, bro. I don't know. Yeah, you fucking new dude.

Do some mental. Do some thought, man. Do thought. Hey, man. Do thought. Thought? Do thought. Hey, man, do thought. Thought, do it. Thought, do that. Beyond the first thought, take it there.

How could you be such a fucking ignoramus? Now, if Mike were here, he would say, ignoramus. Oh, i never heard that word thought take it past that guys getting all pissed carrying fucking boxes and i'm sitting around like i'm a fucking like i'm a laughing king like i'm that guy look at them carry the boxes it's their own fault there's nothing they can do dude if i play a character in a real fucking serious drama and i'm like that you think i won't win an oscar dude fuck you you think i won't win an oscar i win a fucking oscar and everybody on set when i'm'm doing it, will be like, I don't know if that's the move.

And then it comes out, bro. That's it. Life fucking rips. My neck hurts. My lips are chapped. My lower back hurts. It's all good. Anyway, dude.

Yeah, so let me see your arm, what's this new oh i didn't know that all right so bad friend so um so anyway uh it's a bad friend don't know where my friends get tattoos so um so Then one of the vans we took back from San Diego. Bro, now look, I don't know if I got an iron deficiency or what. Let me be real with you, babies. When I go to a hotel room, I keep that shit 76. 75? Might as well be an icebox for me. I keep that shit 76 75 might as well be an icebox for me i keep that shit 76 i go in and the fucking air is always blaring first thing daddy does is turn that shit off i let the i let the fucking mechanism

rest for about five minutes and then daddy turns that fucking heat up bro 76 76 at least do you understand me okay now my opener mic is a fat fuck alright now we know about fat fucks dude they get what

say it together if you're in your car you're in your cubicle everyone say it together they get what? Say it together. If you're in your car, you're in your cubicle. Everyone say it together. They get what? Sweaty. Okay? Their hands are all clammy and they're fucking, you know what I mean? It's all fucking sweat. He's got all sweaty sweat. They sweat on their wear.

Everyone say it together. Forehead. Everyone say it together. Fat fuck sweat wear. Everyone say it together. sweat wear. Everyone stay together. Under their nose and their lip. Remember that one kid when you were in fourth grade that got the sweat above his lip?

What the fuck was wrong with that kid? Bro, I could sweat. I could be in the Sahara Desert with a fucking parka on and snow pants and straight up a ski hat. And i would never get the beads of sweat above my my lip dude that kid was always so fucking that kid i would stare at that kid man when he would talk and be like why are there beads of sweat above his lip with a fuck sweats on their

lip bro grow up hurry up up. Grow a mustache. Hide it, dude. I'd rather see someone with a wet stache than a fucking beaded upper lip. Ew, dude. Ew, bro. Anyway. He's like, oh, it's so hot. So we turn on the air.

Fine. Now, you know, like with cars, I've literally, if you can get your temperature perfect in your car, I straight up don't believe you. It's either too cold or too hot. That's how cars go. Because you're in too close proximity to the fucking air conditioners of the heater all right you're cramped up you're basically in a fucking little thing you know you're like in this movable large embryo anyway uh so So... So I went... So it was cold. And then...

So it was cold and then... And I was like, it's too hot. It's too cold. So I put the shit on. And dude, when I turned the air off, the thing still counts what degrees it is. So I turned the air off and it quickly ripped up to 82 degrees. Now guess what I am?

Happy. And I'm serious. And I'm not sweating. I'm chilling. Do I have an iron deficiency? Maybe. I fall asleep for a little bit. Now sometimes Mike will fucking sneak the air on,

but that's when I get rip-roaring mad okay so he didn't do it this time I wake up bro he's naked he took off all his clothes except for his fucking Spanx underwear and I look over and I'm like this motherfucker really has underwear on and it made me happy because that's how you do it. You don't fuck around, dude. You don't change the air conditioning for the guy who's paying for the fucking van. By the way, Craig was on my side. He was like, I like it hot. Anyway, you can't fucking get your air right in the car.

What's the deal with that? Everyone's all excited about Tesla, fucking Prius and all that shit, bro. Get the air right, man man that's when i'll be happy um so i'm trying to fucking and i'm cool with my sexuality man naked dudes in my vans i don't give a shit man dick's flopping I don't give a shit, man. Dicks flopping around, don't care. Forgot about my back for a little bit. Oh, bro, I wanted to talk about this. This made me laugh so hard.

Oh, also, wait, hold on. We were in San Diego. Oh, man, this made me laugh. We were in San Diego. Oh, man, this made me laugh. We were in San Diego. And we went to go get a lunch, me and the two of us, Craig and Mike. We sit down. We're at a bar. It's got like a bit of a bar menu, fine, whatever. Okay, I get the turkey wrap.

It's got a wheat wrap, and your boy's trying to keep it healthy. Okay, it's fine. Mike goes like this. I'll get the frank sandwich. And I say, oh, cool, in my head. And he says, and she says, okay. Writes it down on her pad. And then Mike says, is that a cheeseburger?

And she says, yeah. Yeah. Now, we all know it's not. We all know it's hot dogs. Because nobody would ever describe a food as a frank when it's not a goddamn hot dog, right? If I was eating a cheeseburger and I said, hey, man, this ballpark beef frank sure is good. You'd say, quick, get that guy to the hospital because he doesn't know what words are. All right.

So, by the way, what the waitress did was correct. He said, that's a cheeseburger, right? And she said, yeah. Because you wouldn't want to make a guy who's obviously lost his mind or broken his brain upset. You just agree with crazy people. It's like when a fucking guy on meth is on the sidewalk and says you know jesus is coming right you just say yeah yeah yeah so he said i'll have the franks and she said great and he said that's a cheeseburger, right? And in her head, this was a crazy guy on meth with his pants around his ankles

saying, you know, Jesus is coming, right? And that's what I thought too. I thought, oh, how sad. Mike's brain broke. Keep it at bay. She said yes. I wanted to shake her hand, but i didn't make a big deal now cut to obviously way too long later because it's a bar and bar food always takes too long

she puts down two big messy hot dogs and I look at Mike's face and it's not good not because he's fucking a six but because his face did something like what the fuck she leaves and oh, I don't want this. And I said, huh? And he says, I thought it was a cheeseburger.

And I said, huh? And he said, did you see me ask if it was a cheeseburger? And I said, yeah. And then she said, yes, it was a cheeseburger. And I said, yeah. And then she said, yes, it was a cheeseburger. And I said, of course. And he said, but it's hot dogs. And I said, yeah, of course. And he said, why'd you say it was a cheeseburger? And I said, because your brain's broken.

You ordered Frank's. you ordered franks you ordered some ballpark beef franks you asked if it was a cheeseburger and she said yes because she didn't want to deal with you taking your dick out or something shitting all over the table because you're obviously a crazy person shitting all over the table because you're obviously a crazy person.

Hey, dude, I'll get the ballpark. Hey, dude, I'll get the ballpark beef franks. Okay. Is that a salad? Yes. Great. Here you go. Oh, what the fuck? This isn't a salad? you fucking asshole it says frank's

you're 36 he ate it he ate the whole fucking thing you know know why? Fat slob. That's why. That's also why it's fucking too hot in the goddamn Sprinter van. You know, it's all your fault, man. Nothing on this podcast is my fault. It's never been my fault. I've never ever, I've never had my fault. Anyway.

It's all good. Chillings. We're all chillings. Dude, there's a good. Chillings. We're all chillings. Dude, there's a thing you can put on your penis if your penis is small, and it's called a penis extender, and you can have sex with your girl with it. Like, you can buy it, put it on your cock, and make your cock larger, I guess, and then have sex with your girl with it. Hey, don't do that. Okay?

Do you know why? First of all, it's emasculating. Use your regular cock. And if it's small, own it. Or go down and munch some box okay or go down and kiss that fried butterfly you understand hope my mom's not listening to this one but don't get a penis extender just fucking die and hopefully next time you come back it's bigger love honey penis extenders you know love honey how did they make it grosser honey dude extra one inch silicone penis extender

love honey mega mighty three extra inches hey nothing's mega and mighty about three inches you know if you had a little bitch ass dude that was three inches right now and just like hello I am mega mighty you just step on him bye i am mega and hold on hold on a second

crunch up look at this basics look at this clear textured penis extender okay it's got fucking Clear textured penis extender. Okay, it's got fucking speed bumps all over it. I bet that feels fucking awesome. I bet that feels bonkers, dude. Why do they always like, you know? Ew, you know? It hooks on your balls.

You put it over your dick and it hooks on your balls so it doesn't go anywhere. So when you thrust, you don't leave it in there. Hey, unsafe. on your balls so it doesn't go anywhere so when you thrust you don't leave it in there hey unsafe yeah it doesn't feel good all of your cock is in there okay hey dude don't do that and let me tell you why man because nothing's sexier than a dude doing it for him i know girls will be like but i gotta get off. But you don't really think that. You want to be taken like a fucking caveman, man. You want to be taken like a fucking caveman.

Unless you're in like a relationship or some shit. But like the first few times you have sex with a girl, they want you to just fucking do it. That's what they want, man. They want you to just fucking do it. That's what they want, man. You ever been with a girl and she's just like, okay, but finish. And you're like, oh, it's not fun. You're like, okay, finish.

You're like, oh, for real? Okay. Okay. The way it is. Look, Doc Johnson, big big warhead eight inch penis sleeve don't call it warhead look at the way she's holding it so nice look holding it like so nice like this hey warhead penis um shout out to the guy who made this though This is hilarious from last episode Can I play this? It's so nice but also real as shit So rude but nice It gets so nice when the beat changes a little bit

That part So rude That part. So rude. Cut your young ass up. So rude. Up the ass. Fuck, he's rude. Fuck, he's rude. The chorus, you know.

So rude. But nice. Yeah, dude. Really good. Somebody commented, when Chris says life rips, this is exactly what he is talking about. And Mark Verstetriti, you're right. Also, your last name, could it be more Italian? Verstriti. I don't know dude somebody wrote this is the song i'm gonna kill myself too okay cool hey man cool anyway 7288 views already cool mr clavicles thank you very much mr clavicles thank you very

much what's this forget about this oh wow forgot about that god i haven't seen that guy in 10 years okay cool um so anyway uh what was i gonna say oh yeah this is the thing I really wanted to do this is the thing I really wanted to play this shit killed me bro this like alright when you have a job and you're not into it that's common you know but you think of someone in a cubicle or you think of someone

you know like a UPS guy just going through the motions if you're a fucking pastor i don't know what this guy is you think you're into it by the blood of the lamb dude this guy is a preacher a preacher is what it is now a lot of you probably seen this i guess i don't know but dude this guy is sitting first of of all, he's sitting down, dude. If you're a preacher, stand the fuck up, dude. Also, don't dress like Garth Brooks. This guy's dressed like. So.

This guy literally looks like he's about to sing in front of 400, 400, 4,000, 40,000 people. Country music. I pray, I pray, I pray, I pray. Healing, healing, healing. He keeps taking looks over. I pray, I pray, I pray. Deliverance Healing, healing, healing. He keeps sneaking looks over the phone. I pray, I pray, I pray. Deliverance, deliverance, deliverance, deliverance, deliverance. First of all, guy, get new words, you know?

You don't need to say it. Deliverance, deliverance, deliverance, deliverance, deliverance. All right, so he checks his phone number one right now. Here we go. He checks his phone. Lord, yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord Here we go. He checks his phone. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord.

Yes, Lord. Coming. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. And got weird.

I mean, dude. Deliverance, deliverance, deliverance. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord.

Pretty sure that one was a kid. Yes, Lord. Pretty sure that one was a kid when he busted. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Thinking he's going to... Yes, Lord. Pretty sure that one was a kid. Yes, Lord. Pretty sure that one was a kid when he busts. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Conception. Yes, Lord. Have your way.

Have your way. Have your way. Have your way. Gave up. Checking his phone. He's checking his phone if you're listening to this and not watching it. He's checking his phone and then. Also, by the way, these are the things on the table.

His phone, his glasses, a bottle of water and olive oil. Okay. Getting text from his wife saying she's leaving him. Go back to, yes, Lord, yes, Lord. Go back to Ramachandran. Oh Lord. Go back to Ramachesh. Oh, okay. Realize he was like, oh, shit, wait, I got to say some words. Hallelujah.

No. That was when his wife said she's leaving. Her wife said she's leaving, and when he said hallelujah, she said she's leaving the flat screen. Right here. I'll leave the flat screen. Hallelujah. Is he at a restaurant?

Why are they wiping the table? I mean, at this point, I guess a waiter or something picks up the olive oil and wipes the table down. What the fuck is going on? A Fellini movie. Hallelujah. And right back into it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, this situation by the power of God. Touch this situation by the power of the Holy Ghost. By the anointing. By the anointing. By the anointing. By the anointing. Okay, do that, though. Not the...

Juvenile. No, Master P. Dude, I could do that, man. Why are you doing... What the fuck the fuck dude that's so dumb hey man first of all be in a better place number two don't dress your phone. Number five, fucking stand up. And number six, don't do this. Just out of breath. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

Lord, yes. Lord, yes. Lord, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Lord, yes, Lord, yes. Yes, yes, yes, Lord, yes. Yes, deliver us from evil. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum Vroom. Whoop whoop. Vroom vroom vroom. Shit it in my car. Vroom vroom vroom. Vroom. Shit it in my car. Vroom vroom vroom.

Vroom. Shit it in my car. Master P. Dude. Master P. No. Dude. What the fuck is he doing?

Like straight up. The preacher. The preacher. Dude. the preacher dude such a bullshit dude get a real job the lord had nothing to do with that you know the lord was literally texting him stop that's why i checked his phone wow that shit made me laugh when i first saw that i'll have a real heart and that's it let's see what the comments say dude that's one of my some of my favorite shits i know there's like four people clapping, which is the best.

Wow. Somebody said he went from speaking tongues to orgasms. Okay. Oh, wow. Somebody said he just stops talking and starts channeling Master P. Okay, cool. Great. I'm a hack.

Cool. I had no idea. I was saying what I was thinking. Cool. Yeah. Oh, and the other one is just stop it, sir sir and does the person have to pick the time that the spirit is moving to clean the table my son just asked if he was playing pokemon go i don't get that part but

wow dude just unbelievable dude preachers are hilarious let's look up some other ones preachers preacher what do I do preaching these guys are such bullshit even the good ones look look at these titles stop blocking your

miracle okay wow who is this guy Tony Evans one far as tell me to look up Benny Hinn Wow. Who is this guy? Tony Evans? Juan Farris telling me to look up Benny Hinn. Oh, is that the guy with the coat? Oh, yeah. This guy's great. Oh, this guy's great, dude. Oh, this is great. Benny Hinn.

Historic Crusades, Atlanta, 2010. This guy keeps on whipping people with his jacket, and they think they're getting saved. First of all, look at this bitch. He looks like he would be on the show Sequest in 1990. The Lord talks to me. I obey him. It's just that simple. There's nothing more to it. Oh, yeah?

Fire, guys! Are you ready, guys? Fire! Wow, dude. He's tossing his blazer at people. Oh, wow. These people are getting ruptured discs falling on the ground. No bullshit.

If this guy did this to me, I would stand there. Look it, look it, look it. Again. The Lord has nothing to do with blazers, okay? Fucking. Oh, so has a control. Oh, such a control freak. Watch, watch, watch.

To the hands I said, quick. Take that audience. Kunti. Said Kunti in it. Hey, man. Said Kunti. Said Kunti in it. Hey, man. Said Kunti. Oh, wow. This is assault, straight up.

He just smashed the girl in the face. The guy's singing, you know? There's some... Oh, dude. David Brent, how he danced. Oh, David Brent! Dude. yo. I mean, the way the guy in the back just going,

Whoa! While the guy's just, Take that! Show me your fucking hands! Shit, take that! Nothing's happening, you know? Don't do all this. Just chill. Play Sudoku. Wow, this guy keeps doing this if this guy did this to me i'd fucking lay him out wow everyone he's doing it to looks like jeff foxworthy it's unbelievable

it's unbelievable dude they all have the je Jeff Foxworthy starter kit or whatever the fucking... The guy in the back is the best, dude. How he knows his bullshit and he just keeps killing it with the song. He just said, what happened now? What happened now? She had rheumatoid arthritis. Here we go. Heal them tonight.

Here he goes. Just pushed their faces in and they fell to the ground. So rude. And they still have rheumatoid arthritis. That's interesting. And they're going to push their face again to the ground. And these fucking idiots are just buying it. These idiots. Everyone here is a fucking... are just buying it. These idiots.

Everyone here is a freaking idiot. Unbelievable, dude. Let's just hear him talk a little bit. Okay. Guarantee you this guy had a three-episode arc on Sequest in 1990. Because that's where the power really is. Now, I want to begin by sharing a story that I want to talk to you about. I was many years ago. Okay.

I was many years ago. I was preaching for my friend, Mel and Nikki. Now, we all love Mel and Nikki. She's one of my sweetest friends in the whole world. I went to Denver, Colorado. This was 84, 85. I walked down the aisle. Well. Bombing. Oh, boy.

Okay. Childish. Killing. she said no I don't I said yes you do we got into an argument now Melanie is sitting on the platform getting all upset with me I said lady the Lord told me you have cancer she said no I don't I said yes you do she said no I don't I said yes you do

and I said listen I said if I am wrong on God talking to me about you I'll quit the ministry I was that bold I said don't you tell me if I am wrong on God talking to me about you, I'll quit the ministry. I was that bold. I said, don't you tell me you don't when the Lord tells me you do.

Okay. You're crazy. I said, I am not leaving till you admit you have it. Oh, wow. Imagine. Imagine. Because when the Lord speaks to us.

A fucking cock that guy is in a relationship. We know he spoke. Look, look, all the black people in there are like, that's right. Yeah. And the white people are like, okay, well, we'll see. And I said to the lady, said now lady I said or God has not spoken to me or you're lying

well you can imagine the tension in the auditorium or you're crazy the black people go the white people go yes well the lady had just heard a preacher who preached on faith and who said to the congregation, don't confess it.

And now the lady starts to weep out loud. Dude, this is so boring. And the whole church heard her say to me, I am not supposed to say it. I am not supposed to say it. And then I got really angry. That's not very religious. Faith does not deny fact. Yeah, it does actually.

Nobody ever came to Jesus and said, I'm not supposed to say it. Oh, so now he's comparing himself to Jesus. Goddamn this fucking moron. What a shithead. Just robbing people, you know? Robbing poor people of money. Because they want to believe in something.

Well, that's not far from what we're doing. You can get your Life Rips hoodies at crystalia.com. Anyway, I guess that's it, huh? We just crossed the hour threshold and we had fun, my babies. And now, I get to do whatever the fuck I want at the end of the day. We just crossed the hour threshold. And we had fun, my babies. And now, I get to do whatever the fuck I want at the end of the day. You guys are fucking cool, man.

Oh, and I forgot about this. You can text me. I'm trying to respond to as many as I can. 818-239-7087. You can do that. And I'm trying to respond respond as many as I can. I got literally 60,000 of you texting me right now. And you get the Life Rips hoodies.

Man, those are awesome. They're flying off the shelves. You know what I mean? Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Rate and review it on iTunes. It really helps us. Got Foxwoods coming. Taping my special in Minneapolis Tampa, Florida

Hollywood, Florida El Paso Houston coming up in November Chicago, Illinois got another show here doing in Peoria, Illinois

alright you guys thank you so much appreciate you listening and keep it real. Thank you.