Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 144. All Hookers' Eve

Episode Date: October 28, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about what frightened him as a young man, sleeping over at friends' houses, a Freddy Krueger story, and his feet-on-furniture pet peeve. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, what's up? It's episode 144 of Congratulations. I can't believe we've done 144. What we have, and we've done 144. But we have and we've got some I'm on tour, man.

I'm on the Follow the Leader tour. November 1st, I'll be at Foxwoods, Connecticut. November 2nd, I've got a few remaining tickets in Pennsylvania, in Bethlehem, and then some sold out ones, I think, in Rochester. I think Cyrillicus, and then some sold-out ones,

I think, in Rochester. I think maybe there's only single seats left. Royal Oak, Michigan, Detroit, sold out. New Buffalo, Michigan, where is it? Minneapolis. This is my taping. I've been doing my show at the improv. i've been performing there a bit running my hour

for minneapolis for to shoot it in minneapolis and my brother is directing it because we like to try keeps it in my fam we keeps in the fam like italians we are italian i don't remember who says that i think it's ag the rapper i can't remember we keeps that. I think it's AG, the rapper. I can't remember. We keep sitting in a family like Italians. Anyway, whatever. So Minneapolis, my brother's directing it. So we're all set to do that. And that's, so if you want, go get tickets at chrislea.com.

We've got some coming up in Hollywood, Florida, El Paso, Texas, Houston, a few shows, Peoria, Illinois. You know how it goes. Chicago, come celebrate New Year's Eve with me. And that's what's up. So after that, shit, man, after I shoot this special, I'm going to start doing new material. I've been doing this tour for almost two years, I think.

Just trying to fucking get bags all over the fucking place and do different cities and shit. You know, I have a shirt on that's like tan, kind of. I like the shirt, but it's definitely the same color as my body, so it makes me look fucking washed out. All good. Yes. Lost some hair hair fucking woke up put my hands through my fucking scalp looked at my hands hey yes or a bunch of pieces of hair dude but i'm not even 40 man it's fine you don't you know what dude i'm so goddamn i really i legitimately am the youngest man you're fucking alive what is this challenge changer there's a random channel changer around and the fucking next to my computer for some reason no tv even close so um yeah dude you know what's coming out you know what's coming up this week you know what's coming up this week man fucking

halloween or if you're a cock you can be like all hallows eve you know what i mean um so halloween is coming up and i know we talked about this because we've had halloween shows before at the um at the congratulations and shit because we've been doing this podcast for about three years but uh let's just send out some reminders, man. Hey, chicks and also douchebags. Halloween is one day, not nine days. So you celebrate on the goddamn day and that's it. You don't celebrate seven weeks early. Dude, I mean, I swear to God, people started celebrating in August.

Man, I was out. By the way, my friend's fucking friend had an outfit on. I thought he was dressed for Halloween, and he wasn't, he was just wearing, he was just fashionable, quote-unquote, got mad, got mad, I was like, it's a little early for him to dress up for Halloween, found out that that's his just actual outfit, got mad, got mad, it's all good, but I got mad. Wear mostly the regular shit. If you want to get crazy and put one scarf on or wear sunglasses as the fucking sun goes down, fine. But don't get crazy.

At nighttime, if you're wearing sunglasses, be blind. Be blind. I make fun of nobody who wears sunglasses at night. Do you know why? Because it's not fair because they're blind. And that's it. There are no exceptions. If you're wearing sunglasses at night, you get extra rights.

You're blind. Okay? Yeah, so, you know, it's like Kanye's bringing back the baggy jeans, getting all pissed. It's all good bringing back the baggy jeans, getting all pissed. It's all good, man. Baggy jeans, no. I fucking baggy jeans. Man, remember baggy jeans?

Remember he used to wear baggy jeans? Remember James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues when he's leaning up against the fucking wall talking to the chick and then he cuts to the wide shot and you're like, does he have another? Does he have the rest of Dawson's Creek in his legs? Dude, James Van Der Beek. No. like does he have another does he have the rest of dawson's creek in his legs dude james vanderbeek no have a little bit more fucking tight pants i remember i would wear tight shirts and my uncle would be like that shirt doesn't fit and i was like yeah it does anyway that's a fucking regular story but um yeah so i was just you know fashion is always going to be like it's it's like cutting edge until like you're like it's like annoying until it's cutting edge and then you're like okay

cool but i swear to god i don't want to i don't want to have to wear baggy jeans again dude it'll end up happening dude i'm to have the baggiest fucking jeans. I, um... So I, um... I'm going to have the baggiest jeans. I'm going to look like fucking Kevin Smith. So, but Halloween's coming up. Halloween, dude. Chicks can't wait for it to be Halloween.

I was thinking about this, man. I was, like, thinking about, like... You know, because I see on like Instagram Going out To like I see on Instagram like You know my friend was showing me This fucking chick story and she was with like Nine other chicks and they were all dressed like

Fucking straight up Hookers Dude here's the thing man I know this is like a hack premise But like if you dress up as a slut fucking thing for Halloween, you're a slut. You hook. All good. You're hooking.

The only thing over your fucking nipples are like leaves and you're like, yeah, but I'm poison ivy. Great. How much is it? You know, dude? Oh, you're a sexy mailman? All good. You're a sexy mailwoman? Oh, you're a sexy dog catcher?

All good. How much? How much is it for a second? Dude, you know just relax relax halloween is all good put on a fucking ups outfit button this shit up stop showing fucking cleavage relax you slut you know if if not fine but how much it's all good but you start unbuttoning that ups outfit how much 100 4 000 You high class? You know?

Oh, you're a fucking... You know, Pillsbury Doughboy with a skirt on? All good. How many stacks? And by the way, it's Monday, uh, it's all good, but remember it here, remember who said it, Crystalia said it, you're hooking, you know, or the guy that's like fucking, how annoying is this outfit, how annoying is this outfit outfit the guy who fucking works out a lot and just takes off his shirt and paints his body green and he goes as the hulk

hey man you're making everybody green at the party you're rubbing up against hookers making them green dude i have stacks for the slutty ups girl and now she's green guy i i should get half off if the fucking ups sexy hooker is now fucking a little bit green because of the hey you paying for this bro hey hey hulk you paying for this shit? You know? How fucking workout guy is it to go as like a fucking wrestler, you know? I'm Hollywood Hulk Hogan.

I got a blonde mustache and I'm beefy. Okay. Dude, I just don't get like if you're a dad and you raised a girl and, like, she's, like, gets to the age where, whatever, she's fucking 18, 19. I don't know when it starts. But, like, and then she's just all of a sudden, she's like, hey, dad, check out my Halloween costume. And she's in college. Dad, check out my Halloween costume from, and she's in college, and she sends you like fucking, look, look, I'm fucking, you know, I'm a Teletubby, but the tits parts are cut out instead of the little television that they have.

It's just her fucking tits are out. Why do your tits have to be out? why do your tits have to be out what what chick wants what i want to know is what chick wants more attention from guys i want to know what girl wants more attention from guys all you have to do to get attention from guys is go into starbucks all you gotta do is walk into home deep i shortened it home depot all you gotta do is walk into a fucking ihop and you're gonna be a fucking hooker UPS chick for Halloween, for all Hallows Eve. Hey, no, all hookers Eve. That's what it is. All hookers Eve.

And then the guy who's the Hulk and his fucking green makeup is smearing all over his fucking shoulder and he's getting it on your girl. And you're like, dude, you gonna pay? You gonna buy her drinks? Nah, bro, I'm just a Hulk, man. Like, I just don't get Halloween, man.

You're fucking 23. Chew dune. Ah, boy. I just don't, I don't, you know. The guy, too? Hey too hey man i'm risky business um i got a leather jacket on and no pants okay lock him up legal illegal lock him up dude hey i'm dicks out guy lock him up dicks out guy lock him up dude how awful are halloween costumes for real like what if like for real those were the costumes that they used in movies and like and shit like that like if the x-men

weren't done by like like costume designers they were done by like people who got drunk on halloween that movie would rip. Dude, I'd watch that. Like if they made a movie, if they made the movie like Dark Phoenix and they were and they were like legitimately like it was just like Nikki's outfit. She's like, I'm Dark Phoenix. I'm Dark Phoenix. And she's the girl. I'm Dark Phoenix.

I'm X-Men. And then it was her's the girl. I'm Dark Phoenix. I'm X-Men. And then it was her saving the world. And some guy's fucking Colossus and he's just all painted silver and he's got it in his eyes a little bit and he keeps fucking rubbing his eyes because it's fucking up his contact. And then at the end of the movie, by the end of the movie, Dark Phoenix is a little silver too because he keeps touching her. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. and then at the end of the movie by the end of the movie dark phoenix is a little silver too because he keeps touching her dude how many people are dressing up as billy eilish to it this week you i love the outfit that where people think they're going to be clever and then they fucking and then they go get to the party and there's like seven other billy eilish's and they're like oh i thought it was clever and they're in the exact same outfit of the picture that they Googled as someone else.

Even though Billie Eilish wears like 75 different outfits, they pick the one that's popular on Google. And they see someone else and they're like, oh, shit. And they have to pretend they're friends with her. Or like how about this? How many sexy jokers are there going to be? In like a fucking cropped purple suit? Oh, you know what the worst outfits are? Are people who think they're funny with the meme costumes when they're like they have to hold something.

Dude, if your costume involves you holding something to stand next to it, go fuck yourself. Huh? Like the meme, the why though meme? Or if you have to do a move so people get the costume, you know, like this meme? I saw somebody dressed up as the lady who goes like this. The lady who's like this, like fucking with her hands on her knees. And you're like, who are you dressed as? And the guy's like, hold on a second.

And then he gets on his fucking, he puts his hands on his knees and you're like, oh, you're that fucking idiot meme thing. Who cares? The best thing you can do, the best reaction you can get on Halloween from your costume is this.

Oh, shit. Bro, that's the worst, best reaction. Do you understand? Oh, shit. Look. The guy's dressed up as a Freudian slip. He's on a slip and it says Freud on his chest. Oh.

Anyway, let's get drunk meme-based halloween costumes you know the guy dressed up as you know i had to do it to him guy hey guy you just look like a date rapist hey guy you just look like a date rapist um wow dude i look gray as shit today it's all good man dude am i pasty white yup does it matter nope does life still rip yes dude fuck yeah man life rips you know what i'm being for halloween pasty that's it. I'll put on a shirt. Maybe I'll put on some special pants, but I'm a pasty guy.

How about the fucking thing that goes like this on Halloween? If you're somewhere, if you're somewhere in Halloween, during Halloween, the day,

and you can't hear this, During Halloween, the day, and you can't hear this. You're in a basement far underground. Or you're in the middle of the fucking rainforest. Because every, like, 19th house thinks it's like why is that a fucking thing that's nothing that's not even a noise that is made ever anywhere but on halloween it's not a ghost you hear ghosts if you fucking google ghosts and you hear you put a fucking thing on YouTube, the ghosts will go, or if you fucking

Google for real ghosts, the best you'll hear is this. You know what I mean? I love that shit when you're watching. You there? If you're there, speak to us. If you're there, say something. if you're there say something we're friendly we come in peace do you hear that who's that is it him i don't know i got real cold all of a sudden you feel that cold

then it cuts to a talking head and he's just like I gotta tell you man I never felt so cold in my life it was just like a gust it was like all of a sudden I was in the Arctic cuts back you there Roger if you're there say something give us something

oh fuck it's cold it got cold did you feel that If you're there, say something. Give us something. Oh, fuck. It's cold. It got cold. Did you feel that? And then it'll be like the EKG and they'll like, play it back. And I'll be like, oh, shit. Did you hear that? Play it back.

And then he was like, it cuts to talking. He's like, he very clearly said foie gras. He very clearly said foie gras, he very clearly said foie gras, because that's what he ate, that was his last meal before, fucking, that was his last meal before he was on death row, foie gras,

make a noise, it's just a pipe, you know, it's a pipe fucking clanking, it's house noises, anyway, what the fuck is... Like, what asshole decided that was going to be the noise for Halloween?

I'm unplugging all that shit when I get there. And then there's always that fucking... Dude, not scary, just a creaky door. He is WD-40. I'm walking around with WD-40 on Halloween and fucking my unplugging hand. And when I get to a place where I hear creaky doors, I just spray it in the people's faces and then unplug with the other hand. I unplug the fucking... What is that thing even called?

Hey, do you have that thing? You go to the Halloween stores, bro. There's so much weirdness about Halloween. You know? Like Halloween stores? You can just go to a Halloween store and it like opens in fucking September and then just closes November 1st.

And there are 45 of them in burbank california you know they just open in september and then and then come november 1st literally shut the fuck down until next september like hey Like, hey, how do you stay in business? All good. How you stay in biz? What I want to know is how do you sell enough fucking witch masks and machines from September 20th to October 30th to stay in business when there's Amazon. So fucking weird that Halloween stores are a thing.

I would walk by one all the time when I was in NYU and I would just be like, how is this fucking thing stay in business? And they'd have the same costumes in the windows in fucking March. I was like a werewolf. So weird. Here we go. That's my baby. My babies. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year,

Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. So, yeah. Like, but for real. What am I talking about, about the Halloween store? Oh, man, these fires are fucking crazy. I got buddies fucking being evacuated. Yeah.

But what was I saying about the halloween stores um yeah i don't get halloween i don't know the holidays that are just uh the holidays that are just for drinking are weird or that they turn into it i mean halloween is kind of one that seems like that and then uh but like saint patrick's day was a real holiday and then all of a sudden became the thing where everybody just was like drinking and fucking fighting and raping and shit fucking one fire's phone went off that's why it's one fire all good this texting thing that i'm doing by the way um that people are saying this is the weirdest thing to me my number 818-239-7087 go ahead and text me i this truly baffles my this boggles my

mind this this whole thing this community uh app thing i give my number out and people can text me directly and i text them back the there are very few a very small percentage of people are like oh yeah it's fucking he's just trying to get your info like he's getting making it's just a money thing like all right look here's what's up dude um it's a it's a it's a it's i'm i'm i'm making zero money from texting you it's not a thing where i'm making money from it zero dollars there are people in my instagram comments like oh you motherfucker you're trying to you're doing this texting you. It's not a thing where I'm making money from it. Zero dollars. There are people in my Instagram comments like, oh, you motherfucker, you're doing this. It's all seller. No money. Zero money. Zero money. So I'm able to now text people if they sign up for this,

which is great. Fine. If you want to do it, awesome. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. But some people are like, it's a scam. What I want to do it don't do it but some people are like it's a scam what i want to know is what's the scam what is the scam what nobody's ever more specific than it's a scam what's the scam what is it you text me and i text you back and now I own your liver? I want to know, these people are like, what's this? They talk about it sometimes, they're like, oh yeah, this whole scam. What's the actual scam? What is it?

I don't even know what example to make. What could it be? Now we text, I text people right now. I go on the thing right now. Look, right here what some guy colin wrote me what do you do when you see a spaceman i i'm writing back i don't know look and i'm writing what the fuck are you talking about i just texted that to colin now what you talking about? I just texted that to Colin. Now what? I siphoned the money from his bank account into mine? What's the scam? And then people are like, whoa, they just want your direct

information so you can, dude, anybody in the world can tweet anybody in the world and make their phone go ding what's the difference about having the fucking being able to text someone people love to make some shit out of nothing dude also who gives a fuck man who gives a shit who gives a shit if you have my personal information who are you fucking you know the riddler who gives a shit who are you fucking bin laden who cares so fucking what now i know everybody now i know who's texting me there i know their name and i know what city they're in so what what does that have to do with scamming anyone

I just these fucking dumb shit motherfuckers I drink water on you motherfuckers I'll drink water till I tear up dude there's no scam man you text me I text you ba boom that's it baby

AES it's the same fucking thing as Instagram DM me right now it's the same shit phone goes ding either way it's the dumbest shit when people are like oh you with this fucking what is the fucking what is this scam mate i don't get it sometimes i fire out of shit i was in san diego i'm like san diego I text fucking phone numbers. I'm like, I'm here, San Diego.

Come on to the show. I sent a little video about me walking backstage to all the people in San Diego. Ba-boom, that's it. No scam needed. I'm already fucking, I already, you know, like, I just, it's just so fucking weird, the people. The weirdest shit to me is when people are like,

oh, the government's trying to get you, and this has nothing to me is when people are like oh the government's trying to get you and this has nothing to do with this but like the government's trying to get all your information and use your facial for technology and facial recognition and sit and they want your info and who gives a shit who cares i live a regular life i didn't do anything shitty i'm just chilling i never robbed the bank who gives a fuck i'm 39 my name is chris i identify as a female who gives a shit who fucking cares now that you know that what you gonna do with that info saw my legs off do you own my kidneys are you siphoning my fucking account are you taking the dollar off every time i drink a goddamn ice Americano and putting it in a fucking offshore Swiss.

Who fucking cares, dude? My name's Chris D'Elia. I'm 39. I'm the youngest man you've ever fucking met. And I identify as a Korean filmmaker. Who gives a shit? Now, you know. You motherfuckers.

I drank so much water right there. You should be proud of me. This shit is fucking a silly goose time. Life will continue to rip and life will never not rip. It will always be on the up. Whether you fucking have acne all over your face, you lose your fucking feeling in your feet, or you fucking develop cancer. Life still can rip because it's about the attitude lose all your money life still rips if you want it to rip look at the sky look at the beauty

there's a fucking rabbit running around maybe you're in north car Carolina and it's fucking humid as shit but you're living baby that sweat means your body's overheating because you're alive and life rips and yes you know my underwear's wet and I wish I didn't wear jeans today but it's all good ring it out

Halloween doesn't scare me All good. Ring it out. Halloween doesn't scare me. I used to get so fucking terrified as a little boy. Like fucking straight up. Straight up terrified. One time, I couldn't spend the night at my friend's house. I had a friend that lived next door and I couldn't do it. Matt Trevenen. that lived next door and I couldn't do it. Matt Trevenen. He lived next door and I would try to go sleep next door and I would just be like, fuck it.

Eventually, I would just be like going home and then I'd just run next door and go home and knock on the door. My mom went in. She'd be like, what's up? I'd be like, I couldn't do it, mommy. And she'd be like, all right, get in. We'll get your sleeping bag tomorrow. And I hated it, you know. I'm 39 now, and yeah, I'm still the youngest guy alive, but I was even younger.

But could you imagine even younger? At 39, he was the youngest man alive. But could you imagine one day long ago he was younger anyway um so i would my mom was like you know it's okay if you try to it's okay to be scared she's like don't feel bad about being scared. You can be scared. And it's also okay to miss sleep. Just try to stay over your friend's house. Even if you're up all night, it's okay. And that was her at her fucking wit's end, you know, but she was really sweet for saying that. And even as a kid, I knew that she was like, like on my side, but also like a little bit fed up. And I was like, Hmm, yeah, but it makes sense. I was like, I should try to do that.

She was like, why don't you just try to stay over? So one day, did I tell you this story? About Freddy Krueger and Chris Siegel? Whatever, I'll do it again. I don't think I have actually. To be honest, I don't think I told this story. Chris Siegel, who was

one of the cool kids because he lived on the other side of town. He was friends with Justinin mckinnon and justin mckinnon was really cool too they both like freddy krueger a lot justin mckinnon one time had a birthday party and he had a sleepover and i wouldn't even go to the sleepover part i told my parents to pick me up at night because they were they were going to watch psycho but before that they watched the fucking bulls game and michael jordan was playing and anytime michael jordan went for a shot or went for a slam dunk afterwards,

Justin McKinnon would say, Jordan with the slam. He would do it in a high pitched voice. And I, even as like a youngster, I'd be like, why the fuck is he doing that in my old man brain? He'd fucking slam dunk.

And Justin McKinnon would go, Jordan with the slam. Why would he do it? Anyway, I left because they were going to watch Psycho. And my dad was like, I can't believe they're going to watch Psycho. The kids shouldn't be watching Psycho. And I was like, well, I could never watch Psycho if you think Psycho is scary. I left.

I went by guys. Everyone went by. And then Justin McKinnon went, Jordan with the slam. And then I fucking went home. One day, Justin McKinnon's friend, Chris Siegel, said, hey, won't you spend the night this weekend? And I said, okay, because I thought about what my mom said. I was like, you know what? Maybe I'll just spend the night and I'll be awake all night, but who cares?

But I knew I couldn't get home because Chris Siegel lived in the faraway part of New Jersey. Like it was like, you know, 20 minutes away on the other side of town. So I knew saying yes and confirming the sleepover would absolutely make it so I would have to stay over because I couldn't call my mom at like fucking 1 a.m. because she'd be sleeping. She's not going to come pick me up then. So I got to Chris Siegel's house and apparently now that I'm older, I realized my mom told Chris Siegel's mom, look, I know, she called ahead of time, she said, I know Chris Siegel likes Freddy Krueger.

Chris Leia is really scared of Freddy Krueger, so if you have any Freddy Krueger memorabilia, you know, don't have it up or something if you can help me out here. So I got into Chris Siegel's room, and there was no Freddy Krueger stuff. And I was like, Chris, don no freddy krueger stuff and i was like chris don't you like freddy krueger and he was like yeah and he was like my mom took the poster down he had a freddy krueger poster and and they took the freddy krueger poster down and i looked over at the rolled up poster and the only thing that was shown on the rolled up part like is that much you know just an inch were freddy krueger's eyes swear to god and i go like this oh and she's like oh i'm sorry and she turned it around

chris seagull's mom that's how much of a team player she was and so much of a pussy i was so uh it's time for bed now and we're going to sleep we're in his bedroom and we're falling asleep and i'm already thinking wow i'm going to be really scared i can tell but um we're watching movies and i was like yo chris let's just stay up and watch movies all all night and he's like yeah all right cool not knowing that i was saying that because i was scared and i needed him to stay awake in case demons came in to snatch our bodies so or freddie came out from the unrolled from the unrolled the poster and and fucking came out and then stabbed us in the heart as little kids. So anyway, I'm like asking all sorts of – he's like, let's watch – Action Jackson was on, I remember, with Carl Weathers.

And he was like, let's watch this movie. And I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, cool, he's really into it. Maybe I'll stay up. So we're watching the movie, and Chris Siegel ends up falling asleep. And now I'm awake. And I'm like, yo, Chris. And he's like, what's up?

I keep trying to wake him up, and I use all those. I use like two, three times. I'm like, I can't keep doing this, man. He's going to know I'm a pussy. He's going to tell everybody in New Jersey, dude. Thank God there's no internet back then. I would have been pussy shamed. So anyway, Action Jackson ends.

And I am like, how do I fall asleep? I was like, if I could just wait till the daylight, I'll be good. Because I won't be scared in the daylight anymore. So I'm sitting there watching TV just fucking he has a TV in his room and I'm just sitting there like imagine me just up it's fucking 2am

as a 10 year old just looking around and Chris Siegel's just sleeping next to me you know and I'm like uh oh by the way I'm scared stiff because I don't want to go anywhere else in the house. I think Freddie's going to get me.

Like, this is legitimate. I'm not making this up. I thought Freddie was somewhere in the house. I was a fucking, I had a crazy imagination, and I was very scared. So I'm like, now I think, oh, oh uh-oh i didn't think about this but i have to go to the bathroom and i can't go anywhere because i'm too scared literally like my body won't it would be very hard to move my body i'll say and i'm watching the TV and the grumblings in my tummy.

And I got to go number two. It's not number one. I mean, number one as well, because you have to go number one if you go number two. But number two was the focus. So I'm like, oh, man, I'm like looking at if I had a watch back then, I'd be looking at it thinking like, well, when's the sun come up? Can I hold the poop until the sun comes on? Can I hold the poop in my anus until the, let's see, can the poop stay the sun comes on can i hold the poop in my anus until the see can the poop stay

inside of my butthole until the light comes up like it's coming up at 6 10 it's two it's gonna be four hours i'll probably explode my pants so no no no i'm gonna probably have to take i'm gonna probably have to make sure the phrase gonna have to kill me because the poop's gonna i'm gonna shit my pants you know i mean like that's what i would have been doing. So I'm like, fuck, what do I do? And I decide it must be like 3.30 a.m. at this point. I decide I can't really take it anymore. I have to shit. But I'm like, I'm going to have to make a run for the bathroom and do it.

Otherwise, I'm going to have to make a run for the bathroom and do it. Otherwise, I'm going to shit my pants. And not only am I the pussy, but Chris Segal is going to tell everybody to shit my pants in his bed. So I'm like, all right, I got to do this, man. You got to man up, man up. Go take a fucking shit. You're a man. This is the kind of shit. You're a man, dude.

I know you're not, but you're a fucking man. Go take a shit in that bathroom. So I decide to do it. And I'm not bullshitting you. This really man. Go take a shit in that bathroom. So I decide to do it. And I'm not bullshitting you. This really happened. All right? I'm so fucking tired. But I have to shit.

And I'm thinking about getting up to go to do this shit. The TV is on the news. Okay? The TV cuts to, I don't know if it was a news segment or what, but it cuts to, that was on very low volume, no volume. It cuts to a bedroom. And this is a news segment.

It cuts to a bedroom and the camera is on the pillow of the bed, the pillows of the bed. And then it shows the foot of the bed outward. Shows the foot of the bed outward. And then there's a door from the furthest part of the camera on the wall. And I'm watching this TV. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Because I can't hear it because I don't know what they're talking about. The door opens. And not lying to you.

I wouldn't believe somebody if they told me this. But it happened to me, so I know it's true. The door opens and it's Freddy Krueger and he's got his fucking knife fingers and he's walking towards the bed to the camera. And I can't believe my fucking brain. I can't believe what I'm looking at. I can't believe what's happening. The only thing I'm the most scared of is Freddy Krueger. And right when I decide I'm going to go have to take a shit and make a run for it,

Freddy Krueger is all of a sudden in the goddamn room. So now I think, whoa, I'm going to shit in this bedroom, not in the bathroom. Fuck you, world. You made me shit in the bedroom. Fuck it. I'll be known as the shit the pants guy in New Jersey. I don't give a shit. I had these cut off.

I remember, too, I had these red sweats that I cut off into shorts, and that was what I was going to shit in. And I was well prepared to do that. I was like, guess I'm just staying here as a nine-year-old. All right, Freddy, you got me. And then it cut. And it was gone. I don't even know what it was about. Maybe it was about a Freddy Krueger movie coming out.

Googled it and tried to fucking YouTube it ever since then. I can't find that clip. And it wasn't me dreaming, dude. I know some of you are like, well, maybe you fell asleep and you had a vision. No, dude. It really happened. So I'm like, what the fuck am I going to I gonna do I gotta go to the bathroom so bad and I'm like you know what fuck it I'll just wait until the sun comes up so I'm waiting I'm waiting till the sun comes up and you know it's fucking four it's probably two hours away I'm waiting I'm waiting I'm waiting

I'm waiting I'm waiting I'm waiting next thing I know I'm rubbing my face and waking up. I fell asleep. I did it. I fucking did it. It's bright out. I notice it's bright out. I made it through the night. But what I also notice is that I did not shit my pants.

I was currently shitting my pants. Look, I know a lot of people have woken up after they shit themselves. That's probably pretty common. Now, I've never done that in my life, ever in my life. As a matter of fact, I've only shit in toilets my whole life i've never missed i've never made a mistake this time i woke up and i was currently shitting i woke up shitting it was i don't mean to be gross but it was half coming out and it was at a standstill

it was like it woke me up because the shit came out and then was just chilling it was like let's just hang halfway out until he wakes up woke up and it hurt so bad i don't know i must have not drank water in like fucking six weeks and i was like oh my god and the sun was up. And I fucking duck walked all the way over. And by the way, still scared, but already was shitting. So I duck walked all over to the bathroom. And I let the rest of it come out. And it didn't even make a mess because it was it didn't.

There was no mess. Zero mess. Wow. What a fucking I can't believe I'm telling the story. So and then when I was going to the bathroom, I let my fear... You know how when you're scared, you could shit yourself?

I let my fear just let the rest of it push out because I was like, oh my God, I'm so scared. I'm like, wait, I can use this to shit myself. And so I shit in the toilet and I was looking and there was a fucking... I remember there was a... What do you call it?

A shower curtain. And I remember thinking legitimately like, oh, fucking Freddy's going to pop out and fucking kill me while I'm shitting. I was convinced of it, dude. I was the most scared little kid, man. And guess what? I shit.

I went back into the room. No mess. Went back onto the floor next to fucking Chris Siegel. Fell asleep again because it was daytime. It was easy. And I fucking did it dude and that's your victorious Halloween story I did it man

I made my mommy proud she said I could do it and I did do it granted I shit myself during it which is pretty much the worst thing I don't know if that counts as actually doing it but I got through the night and you can get through the night too you can get through the night too you can get through the night too

that's why this podcast is also for like 7 year olds it's age appropriate man I hope my kid gets scared at night so I can be there for him and just like pet his head I remember I used to be so scared all the time oh fuck I used to have the most biggest nightmares.

And my dad would come and like just be like, I'll just sit next to your bed until you fall asleep. So cute. And he would be like, don't worry about it. It's fine. Sometimes he would be mad, you know, because he had to work. But sometimes he would just chill. It's really cute.

Oh, man. I'll probably have the most scaredest kid. Fucking karma. I remember one time my dad cut his hair. Didn't tell me about it. He cut his hair. He had long hair. He came home once after work, and he had a fucking short haircut,

and I cried so hard. I was like, I saw him. I looked at him. I went, no. And my dad was like, what the fuck are you doing? I just cut my hair. I was like, no, you have long hair. That's not you anymore.

And he was like, dude, it'll grow back. Got over it. Dude, if you can get over that, you can get over anything. Six-year-old seeing his dad cut his hair for the first time? My dad had like fucking Ultimate Warrior hair, and then all of a sudden had fucking David Duchovny hair? Come on, dude. If you can get over that, you can get over anything.

People out there saying the fucking... Come on. Drinking on you motherfuckers dude i'm respectful that's why so loud so loud um anyway wow what else was i gonna talk about i had something else can't remember all good my memory's gone need ginkgo biloba i had a um i had a um man what else scared me as a kid keeping it halloween mike myers i i never saw mike myers movie when i was a kid but holy fucking shit that mask scared the shit out of me mike myers freddy krueger jason obviously Kruger, Jason, obviously. Chucky, not really. He was just like a doll.

Kevin Nelson fucking loved Jason and Freddie. At one time, we got into a fucking karate fight. His knees were so knobby, he fucked me up. Let me ask you a question before we go, actually. This is something I talk about on the group text. This drives me nuts dude a lot of times you know how i sit i'm bon jovi when i sit and that's that there's no change in it i'm bon jovi when i sit okay that's it that's it you might as well fucking cut the sleeves off to my shirt because i'm bon jovi when i sit fucking, I man spread and I don't give a shit.

If you're uncomfy about it, chill. Tease my hair out because I'm Bon Jovi. My knees can't get further apart. I'm like a fucking slut. Okay? A lot of times I'll hang my knee over a chair i'll hang my knee over a fucking uh uh uh what do you call it um uh table i'm chilling i'm at cafes a lot and i'm doing this this week i was at one it'll remain nameless and the the girl comes up to me that works there and she

was like excuse me can you take your foot off now look I get it if my feet are on furniture not okay feet are dirty the feet shoes they've got piss all over them because you walk around in toilets and bathrooms and shit you piss and the back fucking piss gets on the fucking shit and the bottom of the thing you step in shit piss come piss, cum all over the shit, right? So I get that. I never put my feet on furniture like that, okay? My calf, yes, my calf, all right? Can you take your foot off, she says.

And I roll my eyes at her and I say, yeah, sure, okay. And I go like this, okay. And I, here's how you know I'm pissed pissed i go right to the group text and i say goddamn motherfucker why do i always dude i get so much people i get so much shit from establishments for doing the bon jovi spread and i'm just chilling, man. That is a fucking rule that should not be a rule. If you sit with your feet up, it's okay. You're not going to... You can't tell me what to do with my body, dude. I'm a feminist.

You're not going to tell me where to put my limbs. It's not a health hazard, to put my fucking calf on a table, I talk about it with the group text, and they're like, why do you get so mad about this, oh it's really, you know it's just,

one of my other buddies is like, well, I'm like, you can't tell me what to do with my body, he's like, they're not, they're telling you, they're telling you how to be polite in their establishment,

let me tell you something. Here's my rebuttal. No. I'm chilling, dude. Can I not do this? Can I not do this? Can I not do this? Can I not do this?

Can I not put my leg up? Can I not put my leg up in the air like this? Would you tell me to put my foot down if I had to up in the air like this? Would you tell me to put it down? No, you wouldn't. Okay, well, let me put it this way. What about if it's like this? Would you tell me to put my foot down if I had to up in the air like this? Would you tell me to put it down? No, you wouldn't. Okay, well, let me put it this way. What about if it's like that? The calf's on the table, but the foot's off the table. You would, wouldn't you?

You would have a problem if my fucking foot was on it, wouldn't you? Now, let me ask you a question. What's the difference between that and that? What's the difference, dude? What's the difference between us and the penis? And when I say I don't give a fuck, I really mean it. What's the difference dude what's the difference between us it starts with the penis and we're not saying i don't give a fuck i really mean it what's the difference between this and this what's the difference dude and you're gonna tell me not to do the thing like this i should have went like this sure yeah i won't do it sure sure sure there you go how's that australian chick

because she was australian chick because she was australian excuse me can you take your things over the thing sure yeah i can do me a favor real quick though call yourself a kangaroo god that made me mad yeah i'll move my limbs for you because it's your body, not mine. I'm a feminist, baby. You don't tell me what to do with my body. I ain't got no. Wrong one. Always hit the wrong one. Yes. I'm a feminist baby I'm a fucking feminist baby dude don't tell me where to put my calves

dude I'm serious man I'm gonna run for fucking local mayor and i'm gonna this cap situation is out of control hi i'm chris leah's cap situation is out of control a lot of times when you're sitting with your feet up at the cafe if your feet aren't even on a table or the back of someone's chair people will say come up to you and say can you please put your foot down well i'm here to make that stop i'm chris salia and i'm running for fucking mayor of lompoc and i understand that a lot of you guys you gotta try to do the bon jovi sentence and they're not letting you do the bon jovi sentence well that's not okay on my dime that ends today vote for me i'd pay for it by Chris Salia. Because it's Chris Salia.

God damn it. If I hit the fucking Tupac one before I hit the Jeremy Renner one one more time, I'm going to fucking... It's just don't tell me where to put my fucking limbs. Oh, ma'am. Is my dick inside you? No? Then stop complaining. Ma'am. This'am, is my dick inside you? No? Then stop complaining.

Ma'am, this is a cafe, right? Ma'am, I'm inside you? What if I did that? What if she said, can you move? Excuse me, can you not put your feet on the table? And I said, oh, dude, ma'am, is my dick inside you? Excuse me? I'm asking you if my penis is inside

of you in any of the holes that you have. Uh, no. Oh, cool. Then don't tell me what to do with my body. The single greatest music drop of all time. Thank you, Jeremy Renner. Do that for the dolphins. Dude, I fucking... Remember when I was a kid,

I'd take all the fucking canned soda things and I'd cut them all because I thought that killed dolphins and turtles? That shit's a sham, dude. Everyone fucking says this fucking paper straw thing

is such a bullshit, dude. Zero turtles you're saving. I'll tell you what, man. I'll tell you what. I'm going to start wearing paper bathing suits. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start wearing paper bathing suits. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to wear paper fucking bathing suits.

And when people say, why are you wearing a paper bathing suit? And I say, well, because it's okay to put paper in water. Did you know that? And they say, no, it doesn't. I say, well, what do you mean, no, it doesn't? I say, well, the paper gets, they say, well, the paper gets all fucking, you know, watery, and then it ends up falling off, and your dick ends up getting exposed. And then I say, well, then why are we putting paper

straws in cups? And then I walk away smoking the fattest stogie, dude. And you didn't even know I had one until then. Where'd he get the fucking cigarette? It's like a cigar. Something, something, something else. Where'd he get the fucking cigar? I don't even remember.

Something, something, something. Dude, I'm wearing paper bathing suits, period. And then when people say, why are you wearing a paper bathing suit? I say, for the turtles. For the turtles. Sir, your dick is coming out. You're wearing loose leaf paper around your balls. Yeah, it's for the turtles this whole world is so backwards dude

from fucking people saying the phone number thing is a scam to fucking paper straws hey paper in liquid i farted when i went like that i'll be honest i went and you didn't hear it because i went but it went dude you can't put paper in liquid. That's something we know. We don't even have to learn it. It's intrinsic in our knowledge. So ridiculous.

Fucking dickless. What's that song? Fucking dickless. What's that song, dude? I'm going to text somebody back right now. Somebody writes, When's my sweatshirt going to shit, Papa? Don't call me Papa.

It did. I wrote him. Somebody wrote, Go fuck yourself. You're not funny. Okay? Not writing him back. Look at this. Look at this. You're not funny. Okay? Not writing him back. Look at this.

Look at this. People get so mad. Since you hit me with a mass text, no thanks. Dude, you know, these fucking people, man. I literally have 64,000 people here. How am I supposed... Imagine being mad that I didn't respond to you. That's so funny, man. I literally have 64,000 people here. How am I supposed... Imagine being mad that I didn't respond to you. That's so funny, man.

People are so ridiculous. All right. So appalled is what it is. I can't play it because then we'll get fucking flagged. But he goes, fucking ridiculous. That is ridiculous. All right, dude, I'm out. Text me, 818-239-7087.

Oh, and we got the merch, man. We're selling out the Life Rips stuff. We got a reorder coming in. I know the medium sold out, I think, but go to crystalia.com or store.crystallia.com. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Hey, and I'm going to ask you guys, tell a friend about this podcast, all right? It really will help. It really will help the podcast grow, and I really want the podcast to grow because, you know, honestly, if this podcast gets bigger and bigger, then I have thought about doing like two a week sometimes.

But I'm not going to do it at this point. So if you guys push this podcast and share it and tell your friends about it and get people on board to be in this log cabin one day and grow babies and be a part of this cult and nuts, you know what I mean? Like it will help. Subscribe to the YouTube channel too. We almost have 400,000 subscribers. We're at three 98 K. Uh, so help me out, dude.

If you're a baby, help me out, subscribe, rate, and review the show that helps. Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you in Foxwoods. We'll see in Bethlehem,

Pennsylvania. We'll see in Rochester. We'll see in Royal Oak, Detroit, New Buffalo, Minneapolis, tape on my special Tampa, Florida, Melbourne, Florida, and Hollywood, Florida. El Paso, Houston, Peoria, and Chicago, Illinois.

Minneapolis, I'm shooting my special. Can't wait. I'll see you in Florida, Texas, and all the other shit. All right, guys. You guys are great. Thank you very much. Thank you. Congratulations.

Congratulations, motherfucking Bob. Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker