Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 145. Wet Knees

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

On today's show, Chris discusses why guys should never talk to a woman for 40 minutes, "winning" Halloween, Spiderman and superheroes, firefighters (thank you firefighters!), nap time in kindergarten, and Michael Che/Caitlyn Jenner. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, Butters, with me, sitting on my lap, and he's looking cute as shit. Look at him, dude. We both got graphics on our, I got it on my shirt, and he's got it on his bandana here. He's a stud, dude. Butters is an incel. I know you don't get to see him so much, but Butters is an incel, and he's chilling, and we love him, though, and he's got a fat belly. You can hear it right there, and he's got bad breath, but he's an incel.

So a lot of incels probably have really bad breath. Anyway, let's look at some of the shit. What do you think, Butters? We got November 1st, Foxwoods, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. November 2nd, Seriligious, Bethlehem. Then we're playing Jerusalem. Just kidding. Rochester, New York, November 3rd, Royal Oak, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan. Got a few of these. New Buffalo, Michigan, Minneapolis.

I'm shooting my Netflix special. Tampa, Florida, Melbourne, Florida, Hollywood, Florida, El Paso, Texas, and Houston, Texas coming up. We've got two shows in there at the Renovation Music Center. We're going to be there. We've got an early and a late show, so grab your tickets while you still can. There's only a few left on the late show. And we've got Peoria, Illinois.

For some reason, we're going over to Peoria, Illinois at the Peoria Civic Center. They weren't even creative enough to make a name for their civic center and just call it the city because it's Peoria. And then we got Chicago, Illinois, December 31st. And Chicago, Illinois is... Don't we have Chicago, Illinois on December 30th too? But it's not on here. Want to fire?

So anyway, that's what's up. And dude, how was your fucking halloween how was your halloween hmm did you see some hooks did you see did you see extra skin did you see that um because halloween we don't like we don't like halloween here Congratulations Studios. Dude, be you always. Don't dress as someone else. You know what the most annoying thing is? When people say, that's it, Halloween's over. Fucking Gabrielle Union won Halloween with her outfit.

Nobody wins Halloween. I don't like when anytime someone makes anything a competition. I'm so not like that. If you want to compete, you won. Cool. See you later. I'll just be chilling. I'll just be chilling with my ice Americano and my incel butters.

Wow. Fucking check out this girl who dressed as Billie Eilish. She won Halloween. All right, cool. What'd she win? Nothing. She wasted a bunch of time? Doing makeup and all that shit? I was going to go to my gym.

I couldn't even make it on Halloween because I was busy. But also, there was, what do you call it? Everyone's going to be fucking dressed up. Like all the trainers and shit. You hear Butters? Butters, do you have something you want to say? Say something. He's sniffing.

Animal abuse. So, yeah. But, yeah, you didn't win. Let's see who won Halloween. Let's just look up on Twitter who won Halloween. This shit is... What was I thinking? I was thinking about how you winning Halloween is like, what do you call it?

When people say, what the fuck is this, dude? Win Halloween. Halloween. How come my Twitter isn't signed in? Look at this ciara is it ciara and russell wilson's beyonce and jay-z costumes win halloween win halloween canceled all right dude dude that's so annoying that's like when people the whole win i don't like when people get these look make up your own coin terms dude they just dressed up like the fucking people.

That's not winning. That's a losing. You did all that shit? Mario Lopez's kids win Halloween with Saved by the Bell. The Johnsons win Halloween. Look at all these people who won Halloween. How could everybody win Halloween? These are the classic top ten Halloween costumes.

Ghostbusters, women's Ghostbusters. This is according to Savant Mag. Where's Waldo? Of coursey what is ruby's women's despicable despicable me yeah star wars okay wonder woman okay suicide squad oh man there's so many people that were for harley harley quinn i mean deadpool you know? Nobody did Deadpool. Harambe? What year is this from? Fucking Harambe. Number one is Harambe.

Number one is horse head mask. Last minute fucking thing. Anyway, I'm putting Butters down. He's fat as shit. I'm putting him down. See you, Butters. Yay! Everyone almost died in LA last too, because of the fires.

Dude, it's amazing how many fires there just are going to be forever, man. When I was growing up, there weren't many fires. Now, so many fires. Is it global warming? I don't know what it is. Am I a scientist? No, I'm not a scientist. But what I do know is sometimes when I breathe in, there's ashes.

Dude, I was running, doing sprints the other day. That's how I keep it real tight in my fucking midsection. Do you know what I mean? That's how I keep the fucking double black diamond ski slopes in my midsection here. That's how if somebody,

if anyone wants to fucking advance ski, just start at my nipples and go down to the groin area. You're going to have a tough time skiing like that keep your knees fucking buckling though you know what i mean don't make sure they don't don't straighten them out you'll fucking you know that means nothing so um what was i saying about the uh the fires oh yeah so i was doing sprints and i do it outside my house because it's a fucking it's a what do you call it a an incline and i was doing it with my buddy at my opener one of my openers mark and uh it was so hard for some

reason we couldn't breathe and then we were like what's going on and he was like oh what's going on how come i couldn't breathe you know because he's irish and then um like later on he texted me oh the the it's everything's on fire fucker and i was like what do you mean why fucker and he was like that's why we couldn't breathe i was like oh yeah i had so much ash in me i should i it's i should have become a superhero that's i how fucking lazy are some of the superheroes though it was like like spider-man dude that's so lazy that he got bit by a radioactive spider all right bro come on man wouldn't happen we know i know none of it would happen but like at least a little bit try harder you know this shit is so fucking 40s he bit by a spider that's why it was a radioactive spider and

then he turned into spider-man nowMan. Now he can sling webs out of his wrists. And he has spidey sense. Or like fucking... That should be my... I breathed in a bunch of fucking ash and now I'm just... Now I'm fire

breathing dragon. I'm fucking whatever Brian Cowan says. He's man dragon. So yeah, the fires were fucking crazy man a lot of my friends had to evacuate i feel really badly man uh my heart goes out to them and also fucking the firemen dude that are just imagine being a fireman like for real imagine going into fire and putting it out. That's so unbelievable. How about when people say, those are the real superheroes? I don't know about this whole, like, people love to blow shit out of proportion. Dude, what those people are doing, firemen, are the utmost heroic shit.

But being a hero, I've always thought this, being a hero is amazing. If you save somebody from a fucking blazing car wreck or they're about to fall into a volcano and you catch their hand and they're like, don't let go. And you're like, I won't. And then you pull them out as the volcano is exploding and then you just tumble down the volcano to safety. If you're a fucking hero, you're a hero, and that's the best. And when you're a hero, that's the top. When somebody says, yeah, those are the real superheroes, that's a superhero,

no, it diminishes it to me. I like hero being the top shit, okay? Don't say superhero because then you're diminishing it. This is how I've always felt. And, of course, it doesn't matter at all, just like everything in the fucking Congratulations podcast. But we talk about the real hard-hitting issues. There's a fucking world under the world and that's what we're exposing here at congratulations okay when you say you're a

superhero you're diminishing the fucking heroes being a hero is the shit it's like what was i just thinking and i lost it because i need to drink ginkgo biloba the fuck was it what the fuck was it it was uh oh when people say like here's another one here's another example that I don't like when somebody says a killer is a monster I dude it drives me nuts. It's not a monster that makes people take. That makes people that puts people with real mental issues at arm's length. And it makes us think that it's not a human when it is a human dude. And it's a human with real fucking mental issues. And when they say Ted Bundy was a monster that makes it so it's harder for us to figure out why it happens to somebody.

When. If we figure out why it happens to somebody, we could stop fucking people from murdering people. And eating them. If you want people to stop eating people, stop calling them monsters. Step one. Step one. Call them a person with a mental issue.

Anyway, there were a bunch of fires, and I didn't become a fucking superhero, even though it would have been nice, man. I remember when I was a kid, I used to wish some shit like that would happen to me. I used to just wish some shit like that would happen to me. I used to just wish some shit like that would happen to me. Like, ah, man, maybe if I fucking, maybe if some, you know, squirrel bit me, it would just be easier for me to climb trees. You know?

I remember thinking in my dumb kid brain that maybe that could happen. I remember one time, I think I told this on the podcast before, but like, I had high C, remember that grape high C? It spilled all over my face

and I thought it was purple on my face and I thought it looked badass and I thought that the chicks, and I thought that the chicks would have noticed it. And I looked like a punk rocker. And then nobody was saying I looked like a punk rocker, though. And I was like, but it's purple on my face. I have grape eyes.

I see. And I was like, maybe it's not purple enough. And I left it on my face. I didn't wipe it off. And it was getting really sticky. And I was like, just make or break, dude. Nobody said anything. I'm just going to ask them.

And I asked one chick. I think her name was Erin. But I was like, hey, Erin, is it purple on my face at all and she was like no and i was like oh and i just wiped it off i had to get i had to get a fucking wet towel on it and wipe it off because it was so sticky i kept high c on my face for like fucking 20 minutes as a seven-year-old what a moron you know oh what a fucking moron, you know? Oh, what a fucking moron. Anyway, dude. Remember nap time?

In kindergarten? Remember fucking nap time? Dude, I hated nap time, dude. I was always too old for nap time. We were in kindergarten and Mrs. Uh. Oh, shit. How do i forget her name mrs antoine wow she was the best kindergarten teacher and she and she would and we had nap time she'd be like all right class time for nap time i'd be like oh come on dude my mom would give me a blanket and she'd be like here's for nap time and i would always sit i would always

lay down dude i would never sleep bro they had nap time. And I would always sit. I would always lay down. Dude, I would never sleep. Bro, they had nap time? Don't have school if you're going to have a nap time in it. Wait till the kids are a little bit older and then send them to school. We had nap time and we would lay down and I would always be like, hey, yo, what's up? I remember talking to fucking Justin McKinnon. By the way, who was the guy in the last episode that I said, Jordan with the slam, that Justin McKinnon,

I would talk to him through the cubbies. I would be like, hey, man, what's up? He'd be like, yo, what's up, dude? And then fucking Sumatra would be like, it's nap time, dude. Shut the fuck up. Sumatra was fucking did she stole an answer from me once when i was in kindergarten dude she was like no i wasn't in kindergarten oh

this is probably like second grade but she was like uh she was like uh the teacher was asking questions and i said it out loud like under my breath and then she raised her hand and said the answer and uh and i was like what the fuck you stole it from me and she said well don't say your answers out loud if you ain't gonna raise your hand and i was like life lesson dude life lesson from sumatra dude life lesson from sumatra man she straight up turned around and said then don't be saying your shit out loud if you ain't want to fucking raise your hand. I ain't got no motherfucking. Hit the wrong one. Yes.

Men. Always hit the wrong one. Woohoo. They're too close together. Nothing is my fault, dude. Nothing is my fault. They're too close together. I didn't put them there.

One fire did. That's why he's one fire. End the story, dude. You know? Butters, shut the fuck up. You're an incel. Dude, Butters been doing this shit just like...

Look, you hear him? Shut the fuck up. Dude, you got dogs? They're incels. Doll dogs are incels. Butters had sex once. Butters has a kid. Butters has two kids.

One time I would hang out with this chick. And we were at my... Oh man, this is so long ago. We were at my, I mean, this is so long ago, we were at my, well, my apartment, and we were hanging out, and we look over, and Butters was stuck in her dog. You ever see fucking,

you know dogs' penises, they're like fucking grappling hooks. They go in, and then they fucking swell up, and they can't get out. That pretty much ensures insemination and I know this. And so they were fucking and then his penis got caught and I look over and I went, what the fuck? And she was like, oh my God, what the fuck?

And I tried to grab Butters out of the other dog and you're not supposed to do that. Butters was so like, what the fuck is going on, dude? So he's not really an incel because he did fuck um and he has two kids dude he has two dog kids she gave one away and another one i don't know maybe she still has i mean i mean i haven't talked to her in fucking years but butters has two fucking sons or something butters is a fucking dude butters is a fucking... Dude, Butters is gangster, dude. He fucked. One time I was in science class,

and they were talking about how... We were talking about sex and procreation, and I was like, how come sex feels so good, though? And she was like, well, they had to make it feel good so we would do it and we would populate the world and then i honestly think about that every three weeks so that's cool ah dude whether it's the weekend the beginning of, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Dude, if there was ever a fucking reason, like, we know here at congratulations if you're part of this cult and if you fucking

understand that one day we will be in a log cabin and we wanted it will be in a um in the high grass sharing ideas uh that we're not you know we try to limit the fucking CUDA shit as much as we can, but these gender reveal things are getting out of control, okay? Somebody fucking died because there was a gender reveal explosion. Okay? Somebody died because there was a gender reveal. Let's read about this.

Reveal. Reveal. gender reveal let's read about this uh reveal reveal explosion oh my god look at this look at this explosion at gender reveal party kills woman, officials say. It's always officials say. Family members at the party were expectant parents, where expectant parents were announcing the sex of their baby, inadvertently created a pipe bomb, I mean Jesus, that killed a woman in Iowa. Jesus. I mean, a woman in Iowa died during a gender reveal announcement on Saturday after flying debris from an explosion from what amounted to a homemade pipe bomb struck her.

Jesus. Jesus. The woman died instantly after she was struck in the head by a piece of metal from a device that was intended... Jesus, man, this article is brutal. I mean, was it a boy or a girl? Dude, at least tell us. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. A hole had been drilled in the side for a fuse. A piece of wood was placed on top of gunpowder. Oh, bad idea. And colored powder was placed on top of the board. Tape was then wrapped over the top of the metal tubing, inadvertently creating a pipe bomb. I mean, 45 feet from the device.

The projectile that struck her continued 144 yards farther through the air and landed in a field. Oh, man, you know what, man, that's so sad. God. Oh, there's another one here. In Australia, a car that began slowly expelling blue smoke to announce the gender of a baby burst into flames. The driver who jumped out of the vehicle was convicted of dangerous operation of a car.

Australians, dude. I've got an idea. Let's put blue smoke in the exhaust, huh? Well, don't you think that's maybe a little bit of a dangerous operation? Yeah, it doesn't matter though right, because you just fucking put it in there, and then the blue smoke will come out of the back of the fucking thing, everyone will be like it's a boy right, then it'll be fucking all exciting, is it worth it though huh, well yeah it's worth it right, because they'll be like hey

it's a boy, and then I'll pull over, and they'll be like oh my god a boy and then i'll pull over and they'll be like oh my god yeah and we'll all get like a hug you know there'll be all the blue smoke around it but great for instagram yeah well what if the car catches fire it's not gonna catch fire mate just fucking all right a caught fire jump out It's a boy for fuck's sake. I'll just tell you. It's a fucking boy. Open up. God damn it. Tack and roll, eh?

You know they were in one of those bullshit fucking cars that are like half trucks, half cars. Get out. Get out. It's a boy. I'll just tell you. Get out. It's blue smoke. You can see.

Get the fuck out of the car get out dude just don't do a gender reveal uh fucking thing just say hey it's a boy or get a fucking thing and be like there's a boy look I got a got a boy thing. Here's a onesie. I just, anything for Instagram is so, so stupid. How about the fucking balloon that flew away and the guy was so bitch trying to catch it? Dude, the balloon fucking flew away. And they were trying to bat it and it fucking flew away.

And the guy tried to grab it and he fell over the fence trying to get it. Hey, guy, let it go. Just say boy. Hey, dude, don't die just let it go turn to your wife and say boy these companies dude that fucking do it all together and they're like we know the gender and we put it in the cake eat the, and they slice the cake and it's pink. It's like such a fucking, why are you making it harder to have a baby? Hey, having a baby is already real hard. Gender reveal goes hilariously wrong. Watch till the end.

Here's the other thing too. Videos are always one minute long and it says watch to the end. Dude, I got the time, man. It's one minute long. Oh, wow. This guy is hilarious. This guy looks like he would play fucking baseball in 1998 look at him wow dude he fancies himself an athlete look he tries to he tries to jump defense and fucking falls and all the kids are running after it wow dude man don't do gender anything for instagram don't do those things that's the thing everything became such a show now everything became such a show that's why everyone's showing

their fucking look dude titties were rampant in halloween and now titties are a fucking pandemic because of instagram i liked titties hey dude i liked titties. Hey, dude, I liked titties. Titties were all gravy, man. Titties and midsections and shit and thighs. I was a red blooded American male. Instagram made me hate titties, bro. How you gonna make me hate titties? How you gonna make me roll my eyes at titties? I was a red-blooded American male up until Instagram. Now I'm a fucking old man robot. Instagram, how you gonna make me hate titties?

So many titties, dude. Halloween, all right, all right. right dude walking into a party all right okay we get it how much what how much money for me to burst inside you what do you mean what do you mean dude titties fucking suck dude you know i'm playing titties rip you know i'm playing dude titties fucking rip isn't that crazy how dumb are guys when they see titties you know how dumb guys are this is how dumb guys are? This is how dumb guys are. Now, I'm going to be straight up honest with you guys. I don't really watch porn, okay?

Your boy likes to use his mind. I don't really watch porn that much. Not saying I don't, but here's how dumb guys are. When you fucking go to like whatever it is, Pornhub or Xvideos or fucking whatever the hell it is, I'm looking at it right now. Wow. Okay. You see all the videos.

You see the thumbnails. You pick the one you like and you click on it and you look. And you start looking at titties. All right? Then they show other thumbnails under that video, and the video's already popping. You're already where you are. You fucking eating, my motherfucker. You understand?

You're doing what you set out to do. You start the porns. You watch the porns. You're fucking watching the shit, and you're in it. And you got a fucking thing going. Your dick's starting to brack-a-ka-ka-ka, right? Your dick's starting to fucking brack-a-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka, you know what I mean? You got your diving board all set up.

Your diving board's all set up, dude. Now, it's illegal to have a diving board nowadays in LA, but your diving board's all set up, okay? You got your caution fucking shit up it says caution be careful diving anyway so you're watching the video this how dumb i am this how dumb guys are you'll start looking at the other thumbnails and you'll be like oh but what about that one when you're already doing what you want that's how dumb guys are you're already doing what you want. That's how dumb guys are. You're like, oh, but what about the other one? That chick is cool.

Oh, but the way the positions are on the other one looks pretty cool. Then you click on that one. And then you fucking start watching that one. And then they got more thumbnails. And then you're watching that one. You know what I mean? You ever been having sex and you're like, yeah, but is going on huh that's the goal you're watching porn and you turn into a fucking 90s comic yeah so what else is going on in the world let's click these other thumbnails anyway what else is going on in the

news click this one oh yeah anyway what else is going on what else is going on in the news click this one oh yeah anyway what else is going on and what else is going on in the news oh yeah cool i told you the time i fucking went into starbucks and i had been watching porn earlier and i opened up the computer and i fucking was right at the part where the girl was like oh yeah and I closed the fucking laptop dude that's the hottest part of of porn is when the girl is like so in it and she's just you can I don't like all the shit when the porn is like when the girl's like oh yeah give it to me yeah yeah yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh you like that like dude relax what is this fucking river dance stop trying the show the show hey hey sweetheart when you're having sex and you're like and the girls oh yeah oh yeah hey sweetheart are the credits at the end of this whenever i would have sex whenever i would do that when i used to

have sex and stuff like with like chicks and i would do it and then and then they'd be like, oh, yeah, I would be like, hey, hey, I would stop and I'd be like, who's producing this? And she'd say, what? And I'd say, well, this is ghost protocol. And she said, what do you mean? And I say, well, this is ghost protocol starring tom cruise with the way you're acting she said i don't get it and i'd say you're not part of fucking you're not part of this podcast do it real man sex is real life so why fucking gloss it up bro that's like that contour shit that people wear you know

whether you're a guy or a girl you contour your face man what is this kabuki theater hey who's producing it when you see someone with contour hey but who's producing this what well you're in a movie what that would be so hilarious to walk up to a chick who had such hard contour on and you just say hey who's producing what it would say well we're on set she said what do you mean this is starbucks well where are the cameras sweetheart what do you mean what do you mean what i what do i mean you've got makeup for a movie on wow dude you'd be canceled you'd be canceled she would pretend like she was a victim and you'd be canceled it's like that shit with the fucking michael sheay michael chay with the uh snl when they

tried to fucking when he made the joke about kanye west and it was all okay everything was okay until he mentioned fucking caitlyn jenner and then everyone went nuts about it dude it's legitimately a good joke when michael chay was like uh he was saying like why uh kanye west is a white lady now because he's like fucking into whatever he was saying he was into fashion voting for trump and and he's like complains about whatever the fuck the joke was and he was like he turned into an old white lady and then it showed a picture of caitlin jenner and it was like by the way i remember another uh guy who moved to um calabasas and that was where the joke stopped and it was like okay bruce jenner turned into a fucking old old white lady as well and that's a fucking funny joke whatever you know whatever or

not you think it's funny it's a joke and there was this fucking article dude that came out on was it indie wire i don't want to get this wrong actually what was it it was on uh indie indie wire here it is yeah indie wire saturday night live michael chay's caitlin jenner joke wasn't funny. It was hate speech. Dude, what? Hey, are you all right, writer? Dude, hate speech? Imagine SNL doing hate speech.

You want to be a fucking victim or what? Some people, they just want to be victims. I swear to God. Look at this. Over the week, this was so funny. Over the weekend, Saturday Night Live head writer Michael Che told a joke at the, by the way, Michael Che's fucking hilarious.

Fan of Michael Che. Nice guy. Love the dude. Told a joke at the expense of Caitlyn Jenner that the joke totally bombed. Did not seem to bother headstrong comedian who giggled along with co-host Colin Jost. By the way, there's another guy who's fucking awesome. Colin Jost, such a nice guy and fucking hilarious.

Didn't really bomb. The joke didn't bomb. Also, even if it did, who cares? This is not the first time Chaz come under scrutiny. Whatever. That's because he's a fucking talented comedian. Any talented comedian comes under scrutiny. Che, straight male comedian using transgender people as a punchline bag for their unfunny jokes.

Che's so-called joke. I love this, dude. The writer calls it a so-called joke what do you know about jokes who knows more about jokes you or michael che who knows more about jokes you or the head writer of snl he said the singer was turning into an old white lady he elaborated i mean he used to be one of the coolest black dudes on the world now he's showing showing up at events in sweatpants, orthopedic sneakers, and listening to Kenny G. That was the joke. It was way funnier than what I said.

And trying to get black people to like Trump. Funny. How long before this guy changed his name to Kathy? Funny. Taking on his joke, the joke is fine, even mildly funny. If Che had stopped there, it would have been a perfectly acceptable quip that didn't necessarily even reference trans people, much less in a disrespectful way. But Che had to go and bring Caitlyn Jenner into it. Now you think that I'm crazy, but about five years ago, there was a fellow named Bruce Jenner, and he moved to Calabasas.

There you go. That was the thing. In one short sentence, Che manages to use the word fella, the incorrect pronoun, and Jenner's previous name. Okay, but he was a guy right he misgenders her dead names her and actively calls her a word that is safe to assume she would never use to describe herself okay as a refresher sakak the writer as a refresher using a trans person's birth name is referred to as dead naming and is considered an act of violence okay dude it's it's okay you know you're gonna be like you're you're that's not an act of violence

alright that's just somebody saying some shit as a joke on Saturday Night Live that's not an act of violence and as a matter of fact is even what's an act of violence is a threat an act of

violence is somebody saying like hey I'm gonna fucking fuck you up is that an act of violence? Is a threat an act of violence? Is somebody saying like, hey, I'm going to fucking fuck you up? Is that an act of violence? Or is an act of violence like striking someone? I don't know. What do you think? Even saying, saying something is not an act of violence. I mean, it can incite an act of violence, maybe.

I don't see how it is. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to this shit and definitely talking out of my ass. But holy fuck, that shit made me laugh when I read that part. Like, if you want to be included, if you want to be, if inclusion is real and you want to be accepted, then guess what, dude? You get jokes coming your way. If you want to be included, here come the jokes. Dude, make fun of me all day long.

a lot of these people, and this is not, this is, this is, the victims thing has gone out of control, dude. There are real victims out there that have been through real shit. It's like,

don't take, don't fucking take that from them, man. It sucks, dude. Also, that shit, these articles, no joke, these articles are what's going to get Trump elected again. That's what's going to get Trump elected again, 100%. The two things that's going to get Trump elected again. That's what's going to get Trump elected again. A hundred percent.

The two things that Trump are going to get, there's going to get Trump elected again and he's going to get elected again. These are the two things that are going to get him elected again. Articles like that, tweets and shit like that. And also the horrible democratic fucking choices. The only guys that can win, I think, are either Warren,

but I actually don't think she can win, and Buttigieg. But Buttigieg will not be the one that is picked. So... Four more years I'd vote for Buttigieg in a fucking heartbeat but he won't be he won't be he won't be picked

as the nominee and that sucks I would love to see I would love to see him as president just a level-headed guy you know I would love to see him as president.

Just a level-headed guy, you know? I would love to see a level-headed guy. I'd love to see a guy that doesn't tweet every day about crazy shit. Say what you want about fucking Trump or whatever the fuck. But yeah, you know, Trump is hilarious, man. It's too bad that... I'm worried if somebody picked... What I'm actually worried about is... I'm not worried about it because I don't think it'll happen,

but if somebody picks... If another guy gets in office and it's not Trump, that... I mean, Trump made it go one way so far that if we pick somebody like Bernie or Warren even, like, that ripple just opened way, way more. And then it'll divide the country even harder. And then an actual war will come out. We'll start. That's what i'm worried about i just you need someone level-headed man you you need someone that's just gonna

look at you can't pick someone that's too left now because it'll fuck up it'll be really fucking interesting to see what the fuck happens i hate talking about politics i really fucking hate it so i I'm not going to do it. Here's an ad break. Yeah, dude. It's a weird thing about this whole... I feel like some people... Now, I'm not talking about...

Just so you know, I'm not talking about fucking trans anymore. I'm not talking about anything. I'm not talking about just so you know i'm not talking about fucking trans anymore i'm not talking about anything i'm just talking about victimhood and people who a lot of people are calling victim when you're not a victim or playing the victim a lot of people they don't want these people you know they don't want to be equal. They want superiority, you know, because it's a natural, it's a natural to be want to want to be superior, dude. Fucking it's awesome to be superior in every single way. When I go on stage, I want to be some of the people's favorite comedian. That's it.

Then I check myself and I'm like, you know what? I'm not for everybody. Not everybody's for everybody. That's what makes comedy good. I hope that fucking people also like Theo Vaughn. I don't know. It's a fucking weird world we live in. Case in point, fucking Jeffrey Epstein.

Was fucking killed for sure. Didn't need his brother looking into it to know that. Didn't his brother look into it and found out it was more consistent with homicide than it and the shit rogan's been reposting the funniest fucking shit about uh jeffrey epstein jeremy jeffrey epstein yeah um the last one killed me this one the bar the baby ruse the baby ruse is a wild pig whose tusks can grow so long they curve backwards, ultimately impaling their skulls and accidentally killing them, unlike Jeffrey Epstein who was killed on purpose. Oh, wait.

Just opened more seats in Florida. Okay. That's cool. I've I gotta tell my opener hold on this is so annoying let me just tell you what's going on here yes just opened tell them to get ticks

now only 450 opened so I sold out in um what do you call it um florida uh hollywood florida and they opened more seats and my opener mike is from florida and he's always like oh i got a lot of comps and And I'm like, bro, he's like, can I get like 20 comps? And you don't understand. That's like hundreds and hundreds of dollars for me if I give him 20 comps.

And also, no. You know what I mean? Like, bags, doesn't matter. Of course, no dents. I mean, I looked for dents in my bank account the other day. I saw zero. I mean, I looked for dents in my bank account the other day. I saw zero.

And still no. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I had a chain made from a jeweler, but still no. Right? You feel what I'm saying? So, also, people who ask for tickets, like, go fuck yourself, man. Like, it's actually fine if I know you kind of and you're like, hey, can I get, like, two tickets? Yeah.

I know people. It's not about the money. I get it. People like to feel hooked up. They like to feel special. All right, cool. But also like if you're fucking 40 and like your buddy is like doing a show and you make a good living, like just fucking buy the tickets, man. Like buy the tickets. Or at least say like or at least offer you know i'm hey man i'm happy to pay i really want to come see you

uh you know even that even though it's like the guy's gonna say nah just do it i think i hit up lewis capald fucking tickets, though. I feel bad not saying that. I don't remember if I did that or not. But I shouldn't do that. I don't remember if I tried to buy them or not. But anyway, dude. Tell Andrew. One fucking idiot on StubHub bought... I doubt that's true, that's true,

Mike is saying an idiot on StubHub bought 1,000, that's not true, tickets, that's not true, That's not true. Tickets. That's not true. Right? I mean, dude, Mike is so dumb, dude. That's not true. It's sold out.

Like what? It's sold out, bro. Like what? Anyway. So that's what's up. Oh, cool. Got a lot of mucus. Anyway. I'll go soon dude the group text is going off and mike lenochi said a bunch of stuff and then he said what the heck and then he said why is no one saying anything what a bitch what a bitch

why is no one saying anything there There's five of us, bro. How about when you're in a group chat? Let me tell you. I bet chicks are not like this. Dudes are like this and it's annoying. We'll be in a group chat and fucking... There's like three guys talking and then you forget two other guys are even in it because they never talk, dude.

There's two dudes in this group chat that never fucking talk, man. Get talking, man. Get talking, man. Get fucking talking. It's called Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Crew. Who is it? It's fucking Mark Hayes, Mike Linochi, Craig Conant, who never says a fucking word because he texts like this with one finger, bro. Oh, my God.

He texts with one finger. Look at Mike's texting me a fucking thing here look look at this what's this the way he's fucking mike's sending me something man i'm pissed already oh look look look look look i texted my and i texted my agent and he wrote mike is saying an idiot on stububHub bought 1,200 tickets. That's not true, right? He said, well, considering there's only 63 tickets on StubHub, then how? Also, it would have been flagged if one person bought 1,200 seats.

Where is he getting this info? This is what I write back. Well, you see, Mike is fucking, and in caps, very dumb. So I don't know. I don't know. Now we group text them together. Here's how we do it, dude. Andrew Russell, Mike Linoci.

Add Mike Linoci. Mike Linoci. Just a day in my life. Hey, Mike. Now I write write this you're dumb huh to the agent there you go off to the races hey mike you're dumb huh i love being a guy chicks don't do this shit i love being a guy what was i gonna text the other day i got a buddy that's got no clue with chicks man he zeroed in on a chick the other day who has a boyfriend by the way 40 minutes zeroed into her like a fucking drunk brent moran just zeroed in wasn't brent mor, zeroed in on a girl for 40 minutes and started talking to her. So close, dude. And afterwards he was like, so I guess she likes me. And I was like, bro,

that's not good. That's not good. Dude, listen to me, guys. Listen to me incels. All right. Pick it from your boy. If you're talking to a girl for 40 minutes, between her legs, Sahara. If you pop in and out like you're a boxer, if you're stinging like a bee, floating like a butterfly, pat, pat, pat, and you talk to someone else, pat, pat, pat, talking to someone else. In between her legs, waterfalls. Okay? That's the thing, dude. You want to fucking get some?

You don't monopolize a girl's time for 40 minutes in a public setting. You don't do that, dude. Especially while she's working, dude. That's not how it works, bro. Sahara. All good. Sahara. All right?

Now, if you pop in and out like you're the fucking neighbor from Home Improvement, if she can't really see you, if the fence is up above your face and you've got a fisherman's hat on and it's covering your forehead, and the only thing you can see are your eyes, then all of a sudden, who's that guy? Pop, pop, pop it in and out. All of a sudden, trickling down the thighs. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Wet knees. You understand?

If you pop in and out in a conversation, if you're, yeah, that's what happens. Yeah, I know a guy who does that. Oh, it's funny too. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, I've been to Taiwan, too. Talk to you later.

Gonna go spend some time with my boys. Then all of a sudden, whoopsie daisy, wet knees. But if you're... For 40 minutes, and she's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then tumbleweed city. This is my friend talking to a girl for 40 minutes. This is my friend. This is my friend fucking talking to a chick.

Fuck yeah. Timing it is so bad. This is my friend talking to a chick. Kyle! Kyle! There's kids watching tumbleweeds. Oh, this is actually the most beautiful thing I've ever seen on YouTube. Just so many tumbleweeds and this family's watching and the kids are laughing. Fuck yeah, dude. What's a better fucking sound than that kid laughing?

Wow. There. This is my buddy talking to a chick. This is my buddy talking to a chick for 40 minutes. Tumbleweed. Tumbleweed. That's him. This is my buddy talking to a chick for 40 minutes. That's him. That's him talking to a chick. Doing that.

That's my buddy talking to a chick. And this? that's my buddy that's my buddy talking to a chick and this tumbling tumbleweeds tumbling tumbleweeds and this is me talking to a chick fucking popping in and out dude dude

keep them wet keep those knees wet baby pop in and out. What's happening here? Why is this happening? Why did that the next thing that came up? All right. Anyway, dude, whatever, man.

Don't fucking... Guys who zero in are the worst, man. Every time I look at my friend, he's talking to her, and he's defying gravity the way he's leaning forward. He's like Michael Jackson in the fucking video, Smooth Criminal. He's like doing the fucking, the lean forward. And she's defying gravity way back on her heels. Dude, he'll talk to a chick for an hour and a half. look at this

oh wow oh this is the great this is the greatest one idiot bought on stub hub 1200 okay this is how dumb my fucking opener is i write tell andrew i doubt that that's true so then i write both of them hey mike you're dumb huh and then andrew writes where are you getting this info that one person bought 1200 tickets mike says that's not what i said asshole i said my buddy spent 1200 no he didn't fuck yes i have i have fucking evidence right here this is what he said nope nope oh dude here we go nope that's not how you said it exactly how he said it. Exactly how he said it here. That's what you said.

That means only that someone bought 1,200 tickets. Wow, you're dumb. Even dumber. Look at how I do it. Than I thought. Nothing is ever my fault. Oh, I mean, common sense, man, he writes. Man with two N's. I mean, common sense, Michael Mann.

That is common sense. One idiot bought on StubHub 1,200. That means one thing, dude. Somebody bought 1,200 of something. Wow. That's it, dude. Now i'm pissed yes dude everything was fine and now i'm pissed and yes anyway dude pop in and out when you're talking to a girl pop pop it's boxing dude

means one thing all right dude i'm being so respectful on you guys and literally texting while i'm look he wrote like if i put a no i'm not no no i'm doing it i'm doing it i'm doing it dude i'm not a grammar police i'm not a grammar police man that means literally one thing one idiot bought on stubhub 1200 that means one thing if you had said one a guy bought tickets for twelve thousand twelve hundred dollars that'd be another thing. Yes, I'm right. Yes! Dude, if you don't text like this, if you don't sweat in your armpits when you text, you ain't shit.

Someone to resell them. He said, like, who would buy 1,200 tickets? Oh, are you a fucking... Are you a fucking elephant, dude? You didn't say it was... Didn't say it was your friend. You said... One... All right, anyway, dude.

I'm out, dude. This is it. I'm going to do this all day now. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm going to do this all day now. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm going to do this all day. Yes, yes, yes. You guys are awesome, man. Text me, 818-239-7087.

You got those Life Rips hoodies you can get. Foxwoods, Bethlehem, Rochester, Royal Oak. You can see me on all the shits. I'm going to be in Detroit, Tampa, Melbourne, Florida, Hollywood, El Paso, Houston, Peoria, and Chicago, Illinois. All right, you guys are great. Thank you so much for listening. And keep it real, my babies. Thank you.