Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 146. One Note Nigel

Episode Date: November 12, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about the British war on clapping, meeting Eminem, filming his special in Minneapolis, the discovery of Orange Cassidy, Kevin Hart working hard, T.I., and Matthew McConaughey joining Instagram. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. and it's episode 126 146 why did I say 26 I don't know man I don't know who cares it doesn't matter you're listening anyway I could have said it was episode 19 yet it kept listening because who cares what number episode it is the only thing that matters is that they keep on coming um let's see what's going on here I have some tour coming up in Tampa, Florida. Well, those are all sold out. I think Melbourne, Florida.

I think that's sold out. Hollywood, Florida, El Paso, which there are still some tickets left because who is in El Paso? I don't know. Houston, Texas. And then Chicago there at, uh, uh there at New Year's Eve and then I got Orilla Orilla

Ontario January 18th those just went on sale so I don't know when those will sell out but let's go and then Las Vegas next year but yeah I'm back and I'm in my Life Rips hoodie. You can get those at ChrisLea.com.

Just look at me like this, bro. I'm fucking comfy as shit. Soft as shit. Cool as shit. Just kind of hanging out, having a good time. And I'm not even... Dude, I'm so young, it's crazy. So, and you know, when you look at me, you realize, oh, that guy's probably the fucking youngest guy I know.

And then when you go home, you're like, nah, he was the youngest guy I've seen. So, because ain't nobody fucking younger, dude. I should have a sitcom where I'm doing the shit and then that should be the thing that everybody says at the same time. Because you know why? And then everyone says, ain't nobody younger and then we go thank thank you everybody and then it goes and then that's it and then we stand there where it's not a freeze frame but we just stand there like we're frozen like they they did in... What's that movie? Who knows, man.

All I know is... But... Every time I do that, I feel like we're a morning radio station. Here we go. We've got a Jeremy Renner main attraction playing. And it's... He's not just Hawkeye. So, yeah. Well, fucking let me break down the, let me fucking break down this week, dude.

You know, I, I gotten a, here's the thing. I, I woke up today feeling rested, feeling good. And thank God I shot my special. Let me start with this dude i shot my special uh saturday now i don't know what i'm gonna call it but i don't think i've ever had a better taping you know just the the the comedy all the comedy shit that could go wrong, it just kind of aligned. I was relaxed. The first show I went on, my brother directed it. My first show I went on, it was good, really good. I got off stage and my agent was like, that's the best first show

taping I've ever seen. And I was like, really? And he was like, yup. And then I was like, and then I was like, cool. So we got it. I only need pieces. And And he was like, yup. And then I was like. And then I was like, cool. So we got it. I only need pieces. And when he needs pieces, he needs pieces. That's all he needs. So he's relaxed, dude. So your boy's relaxed now.

You know, the whole mantra of life rips. You realize, you know what? This is one of those moments where life does actually rip. So the boy needs pieces and he's going on stage for the second show, and he's in his head, he's like, oh, I only need pieces. And then he gets on stage, and as soon as he gets on stage, dude, he realizes he only needs like two pieces. And that's when he fucking just ripped.

And that's when the shit ripped. And in the middle of the second show, I thought, hey, you know what? I tapped fucking, I tapped God on the shoulder, and I go, hey, you know what? I tapped fucking, I tapped God on the shoulder and I go, hey, God, guess what? We don't even need that first show. So the second one was the Ripper, man. That first show was ripping, but that second show was the Ripper. So that was just, and I got off stage and I go, hey, we don't need that first show. Like I was fucking, the first show was great, but the second show made us not need the first show.

So, yeah, it was awesome, dude. It was so awesome, so happy. I was so happy, man. Had some loved ones there. Was just happy, man. My brother killed it. And that's it. I couldn't ask for more.

So I can't wait for you guys to see it, it looks cool, I had the Jordan, the purple retro ones on, to help me pivot, and let's see, I don't know what else to say about it, but I woke up, that was the thing, I kept on like, as the days went up too, I was like, I just, I hope I don't get sick. That's the only thing that would fuck this up. I've worked so hard to get this shit going, to get the material sharp as shit. I did a 10, 11 day run before the show. I did some casinos coupled with some theaters.

And I was like, don't get sick. Don't get chapped lips, dude. Sure enough, the second I got off stage on that second show, my lips go like this and just cracked. Now, that's Jesus Christ working with you. That's Jesus Christ just kind of handing you a couple of fucking assorted nuts. That's what he's doing. Jesus Christ is just handing you some assorted nuts. Now, can I say assorted nuts or can I only say assorted nuts. That's what he's doing. Jesus Christ is just handing you some assorted nuts. Now, can I say assorted nuts or can I only say assorted nuts? And now that pisses me off that

it sounds like when I'm saying assorted nuts, it sounds like I'm saying a sword and nuts. Okay. But I mean, assorted nuts. So that's like when you're just kind of hungry, walking through the airport, you don't know what to get, and Jesus Christ just walks up to you and hands you some assorted nuts. So that's what that was. That was Jesus Christ just kind of working with you. Like you're in a cubicle, and you're typing it. Maybe you're in a cubicle right now, and you're like,

oh, fuck, I need that shit. Hey, Susan, can you hand me the shit? And Susan just reaches over the top of the divider and hands you the shit. That's what's happening right now. That's Jesus Christ handing you some assorted nuts. As soon as I got off the second stage, my lip goes, and I go,

doesn't matter, does it? No. Because when my lip cracks, we know, babies, my lip cracks where it always cracks. And you're going to see that on that high-def camera. So I woke up feeling good that day

and I was ready. I flew from, well, I guess i took the chicago airport to because i was in new buffalo michigan for some reason and i went to we drove to chicago and we went to the fucking dude i i got i took my my tour manager was with us because we were doing like a 10 11 day run zach don coviovio and that's how he laughs if you don't remember and the guy is just the fucking worst tour manager of all time dude straight up

he's always the last one to the bus to the sprinter van to the airport he's like we're like I'm like where the fuck is Zach and Mike's like I don't know man and then he shows up with like just he always looks like he's carrying seven bags even though he's only carrying like two bags. And he's just like, oh, I forgot my ID.

He's like one of those assholes that doesn't keep their ID in the wallet. You know those guys? Keep your fucking ID in your wallet. Don't have your ID. Don't be the guy who comes out and brings your ID and some cash. You know what I'm talking about? And he'll be like, oh, I'm a wallet. We're in a casino. We're staying in a casino. We were staying at the MGM Grand in

Detroit. And I'll be like, let's go get a coffee. And it's in the casino. And he'll be like, all right, let's go. And then I'll go down the fucking elevator. And then we get to the thing. He's like, oh, you know what? I forgot my ID. I'm 37. And she's like, sweetheart, I need the ID. And I'm like, well, I have it. Man, you should always have your fucking ID on you, man. And he was like, well, I don't know. It was in the bag because it was in my money, and I don't know. And so I'm like, I'm not waiting for you, bro.

Bro, I'm going to leave him at the fucking hotel one day. I'm going to leave him at the hotel. See, the thing is, he's got some of my bags sometimes. So that's what's it. I'm going to take all my bags one night, and then I'm going to get to the Sprinter van. Zach's not going to be there. I'm going to say him at the hotel. See, the thing is, he's got some of my bags sometimes. So that's what's it. I'm going to take all my bags one night, and then I'm going to get to the Sprinter van. Zach's not going to be there. I'm going to say, hey, Mike, where's Zach? He's going to be like, I don't know, man. He was shuffling around in the hotel room doing some shit.

Oh, he takes so long, bro. We could be in a green room, and I'll be like, let's go downstairs to see where the fucking shit is. And we'll be like, okay, and I'll walk down the hallway and I'll do the thing where I look behind to to the green room and he's still not out yet do you know what i'm talking about you get out of the green room and then you walk out it's like when you leave a room and you're waiting for somebody and you walk down the hallway but you're

still looking at the room's door and he's still not there and you're all the way down the hallway hey man get with it dude always know where your id is too. Do you know why? It's your ID. If there's one thing you should always have on you besides pants, have your ID on you. My podcast is musical. My podcast is musical. That's probably why I don't like music all that much, dude. But you saw your boy when he used the mic when he was like, pants. Who other, what other podcast fucking host is doing that shit? That's because we are down for a silly goose time and that's it. And life rips. Now, dude, I've been seeing people on Instagram start podcasts talking about silly goose times,

talking about how life's rips, talking about using my cadence. And that's fine, dude, because people know where you got it from and it's all gravy okay but just so as you know we all know and that's fine rep the cult do it whatever sometimes people use it and they're disgusting with it sometimes people use the way i talk and they start talking about blumpkins or something no we don't do that dude we don't talk about blumpkins here at the fucking log cabin i'm'm a classy guy. I'm a classic man. What's that fucking song? I'm a classic man.

Anyway, dude, we don't talk about Blumpkins, man. We don't talk about gross shit. Maybe I might mention you should take some Metamucil if you're trying to take some nice bowel movements, but I don't talk about Blumpkins. I don't talk about fuckingumpkins i don't talk about fucking you know pussies that much and i don't talk i don't i would never say something like grundle you know what i mean like i'm not a fucking frat guy

how many the guy who goes like this the guy who talks about a grundle is a guy who goes like this when something's funny oh man that's classic that guy says grundle so much and i don't do that shit you know how i go man you know how i fucking go all i want you know what i realized man when i was coming up in the fuck comedy world like whatever my my my brother and i we have this way of talking in it you know my friends we all have it and i was like i want to do I wish the world knew my language. Now, baby, I made the podcast. Now the world knows my language. Okay. I did it. I didn't know I could do it, but I did it. If you build it, they will come. But I woke up feeling so fucking good. I woke up feeling so good three days before my special. I woke up feeling shitty two days before my special and the day of my special,

I woke up feeling good. Now I got a question for you scientists. Why does that happen? How come sometimes you get lots of sleep, you feel good. Sometimes you get lots of sleep, you feel bad. Sometimes you get a little sleep, you feel good. Sometimes you get a little sleep, you feel bad. What's the deal? Why do I sleep better in hotel beds than I do in my own bed? What's the deal? Do I need a new mattress? Maybe, but mattresses are thousands of dollars. So that's a little bit weird for a fucking test of something to be a thousand two thousand dollars how much is a mattress i don't know i'm so fucking out of touch i don't give a shit how much is a carton of milk 45 dollars um i'll cough on you motherfuckers, dude. But yeah, it's, you know, it is what it is, man.

But I had a good fucking special taping and it was awesome. And I woke up feeling so good. And my buddy Mike went on before me and he was like, don't woo. Dude, there were no woos. On my last special, there were woos, bro. I fucking hate when people go you're not at the nets game why are you going woo dikembe matumbo isn't on stage and um yeah dude hey why are you going woo j? Jay Buhner isn't out on this field.

And so, yeah, it really pissed me off when they go woo. And there was no woos. I think there was one woo on the second show. Somebody got kicked, thrown out apparently. Imagine being that big of an asshole. He was talking loud. My manager walked up to him. He was there.

He was like, I had to throw someone out. Look, I had to throw someone out. And the guy was like, I was like, what happened? He was like, he was there he's like i had to throw someone out look and there's my out you know and the guy was like he was i was like what happened he was like he was just being loud okay he got up went to the bathroom and i'm supposed to do that and he came back and was like where's my seat we put someone else there okay because it's being really loud all right so you know so i had to throw him out and he was like well can i just go back to get my stuff and i was like sure we gotta make your stuff just hold on you know and he's like where is it and he's like well look i don't know my wallet my money my id are

in there you know and i got it anyway we've come out he's being loud and i was like well you know go and get security involved so and uh you know it's gonna work out you out. I knew it. I was like, it's going to be fine. I was like, it's going to be fine. Okay. But, and, and so he threw him out, dude. He's a bulldog, man. My manager's good. Josh Lieberman. And so anyway, tossed him out. It was all good. Didn't really hear it.

He kind of fucked. He said, I think I heard something in the first show. I think I might've heard him get a little loud in the first show. But how could you be that fucking, not egotistical, but self-centered to be like making a scene at the fucking Netflix special taping? Anyway. Yeah. So laugh and don't laugh like I always say. They're trying to get rid of fucking – how about the lady that was on – what was it?

Good Morning America? Or no, it was a British show, right? How do I pull that up? She was trying to get rid of clapping? Banning clapping. Good morning, Britain. Basic. Good morning, Britain.

Basic. Morning. Good morning. Why can't I fucking say it, dude? Britain. Britain. There we go. Should we ban clapping? Good morning, Britain.

It's victorious, the song. Let's take the serious side of this first. What is upsetting, genuinely, about clapping? Okay, nothing. There you go. And there... What is upsetting about clapping? Nothing. And thank you. A word from our sponsors.

That's how that should have ended right there. And then that should have came on. Right here. Let's take the serious side of this first. What is upsetting, genuinely, about clapping? Nothing. Nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. That's how it should have went.

Let's take the serious side of this first serious i want to do it again because i'm annoying what is upsetting genuinely about clapping well absolutely nothing and that's that oh fuck that's funny dude anyway so this is what this is what it is what it does what is upsetting what's so british to say like that so it's actually not just people with anxiety. Oh, so mad already. So it's actually not just people with anxiety. People who use hearing aids, clapping

can be disruptive to that. It's also people who use hearing aids, clapping can be disruptive to that. People who have sensory processing issues, it can be very distressing and overwhelming to have those loud sudden noises. But it is part of our culture. Hey, let's just go.

Let's just. So far, I agree with both of them. Let's see how it derails. Isn't it to clap if you go to the theater? Look at this. Look, I love when people try to be diplomatic about about something, but it's impossible to make them not feel like an idiot. Well, it's a bit like part of the culture, right? When we go to the theater, you're going to expect to hear clapping, right? Now, I don't mean that you're a piece of shit when I say that.

But it's virtually impossible for me to not make you seem like a piece of shit right because i'm saying something that's so fucking obvious you know i mean anyway go ahead expand on that culture isn't it to clap if you go to the theater or you go to a lecture or you go to a performance or you go to a gig you would expect that people would clap. Yeah, absolutely. And that could be preventing people from going to those events. So far, agree with both of them. And we're, you know, 37 seconds in. And your boy agrees with both of them, dude.

So this is great, man. Which is a real shame. So if some... Oh, hey hey hold on and that could be preventing people from going to those events okay agree with both of them which is a real shame i picked a side i picked a side so if some theaters or some universities I took a step on over to the other side

I took a step Maybe I got another foot Let's see what this other lady has to say Maybe I'll go back Do you know what I'm saying? We'll see We can be more inclusive I'm leaning over into that foot

into that step I took jazz hands instead and just like that I'm on an escalator in a full sprint when you say jazz hands you lose the argument it doesn't matter if the argument is for jazz hands. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if the debate is called the jazz hands debate. Soon as you say jazz hands,

you lose. Okay, let's just go back and let me not interrupt. That people would clap. Yeah, absolutely. And that could be preventing people from going to those events, which is a real shame. So if some theaters or some universities say, actually, we can be more inclusive and do jazz hands instead, that'd be lovely. And more people could get involved. Oh, wow. Did you hear the guy? The other guy? Oh, oh, oh. Just. Oh, my God. That was amazing. I never heard that yet.

Oh, oh, oh, someone is this stupid. Okay. Oh my god, dude. Oh, oh gosh. Oh gosh. Okay. And do jazz hands instead. That would be lovely. People could get involved. He literally goes, my oh my oh just hurt himself literally when she said that she said he goes oh oh oh oh okay it's going to be okay i just have to breathe what would be the i hope i die before this actually implements penalty if you clapped.

I don't think there's going to be a penalty. People could get involved. And then what would be the penalty if you clapped? What if she said, tasers. Tasers and we throw bologna at your face. I don't think there's going to be a penalty, frankly. I don't think anyone's going to say like. Now, I like how that lady came back in and was kind of like, listen, it's not going to be.

Okay, it's not going to be. I like how that lady came back in and was kind of like, listen, it's not going to be, you know, okay, it's not going to be, you know. I like how she's arguing. She's arguing for the wrong thing, and we all know it. You need to leave. But if you... Oh, the guy came in again with... Yeah, of course, they're not going to leave. They're not going to be asked to leave.

This is how we've been dealing with our society for so long. to leave. This is how we've been dealing with our society for so long. We're persisting with clapping, even though you've been requested to do something that's not very polite, is it? Like, I think people understand if you're requested to do something in a specific context, you can do it.

Would it stop you, Andrew, if you were somewhere and you felt the urge to clap someone, and yet they'd said, we don't clap here? Oh, that guy, dude. Every fucking syllable he said was the same note. That guy was unreal. I'm not even talking about the fucking thing anymore, the clapping and not clapping. That guy was so angry that he was trying to control his voice and he did it too hard the other way.

Everything was one note. Nothing. Even though you've been requested listen to the one note very polite is it one note people understand if you're requested to do something in a specific context you can do it he's like i'm so mad okay let's just calm down let's try to get a rise at my voice let's be let's do this come on nigel stop you and if you were somewhere and you felt the urge to clap someone, and yet they'd said, we don't clap here. Ah! What if you were somewhere and someone felt the urge to clap, and then someone said, we don't clap here? And then it says, like, you did it, Nigel.

Well, no, it wouldn't. But what we don't do is completely restructure society and completely change societal norms in order to accommodate the sensibilities of a few people. It's interesting, just reading a story about this on uh on the bbc news website um an individual called hannah from weymouth and dorset does she struggles with loud noises like clapping cool um she was diagnosed with autism when she was 23 she said don't agree with a ban on clapping instead let's raise awareness of autism because this could breed resentment if other students start to harbor bad feelings towards autistic people that's smart

she's real smart so listen um okay uh banning what okay i got to minneapolis and I went into a pub or a bar whatever the fuck it was and when I got there I had to get something to eat it was like 2.30 I wanted to eat at 2.30 because I didn't want to have to eat right before my special taping because I would have been on the mic just like

so anyway that's what happens you're just like, so what's the deal with... Anyway. So I ate at the right time. And when I was there, I was in a fucking place. And there was a really big local, you know, football game that was playing. Now, did it make me mad that it wasn't a professional team even? Yes. You know, but it wasn't. So were they, were there old men cheering for fucking, you know, 19 year olds on a field throwing a ball around? Yes. Did that make me

feel like life was hopeless? Yes. Is it sure because life rips regardless so i was there i ordered a turkey club you know how we do i like to keep it fresh even though that's what i i get a lot i hadn't i got it for a long time so i got the turkey club and i was like this is gonna be the great thing before i the meal before my meal before my special right so this football game was going on people were watching it i step step in. I sit down. I order. As soon as I start ordering, people are fucking, rah, rah, fuck it, there he is, and screaming.

Now, did that make me mad? Yes. Did I feel it in my heart? Of course. Did my chest tighten up? Yes. Was I trying to do everything I could from getting into a bad mood? Yes.

Did I somehow open the door on the bad mood? Yeah, I did. Then did I think, oh shit, I don't want to be in a bad mood while I'm taping my special. So let's calm down. Now, these are all the things that are going on in my head while these fucking assholes are just having a good time watching the football game, right? They're screaming. Now, did I mention that the guys screaming at the TV also were in tailcoats and top hats? Did I mention it? Well, they were. I don't know why.

Were there two guys dressed the same? Yeah. Well, I guess they were fucking working for the hotel or some other hotel or some shit. I have no idea. But they were so loud screaming at the fucking team. And other people were like, what the fuck is going on? Now, I got mad. And I was genuinely thinking, am I one of these fucking people that can't stand clapping?

And then I thought, well, no, I'm not. But if I was, I would just stay home or go and deal with it. People like this are just never going to, that's not going to happen. Why are they saying that this is what they want? They're like, well, we think, you know, people should literally, it's like, why don't they just get rid of their arms, in all honesty? I think that it would be a better society if they get rid of their arms. This way they can't clap.

And then people can go, you bend it too far one way. By the way, this just made probably I don't know how big, it's just 55,000 people saw this on the Good Morning Britain show. So out of 55,000 I would say it probably made maybe 150 people sway their vote to Trump.

You know? So. I just, I mean, so fucking silly. And then I looked on the girl's Twitter and she was like, well, I'm getting properly dragged, aren't I? Yeah, you're getting properly dragged. It's British. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security.

Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy a room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply.

Dude, check this out. Life rips, but guess what? Under it all, life rips as well. So not only do I have the life rips hoodie on, I also got the life rips shirt on because life rips whether you fucking, no matter what layer you got on. And that's not even a commercial.

That's the truth um wow wow um i'm having a good time i'm having a good time i'm checking texts because i got to be respectful on you dude i can't not be me the real me checks his texts and when you come to this podcast you get the real me the real me sometimes fucking rolls his sleeves up. It gets fucking gully. That's what he does, dude. Do I know what it means? No.

Did I fucking hear Taye Diggs say it in a movie? Yeah. So I'm getting gully. Been working out, dude. Nobody can stop me on that. I fucking work out. i fucking work out and i push it to the limit dude i really do push it to the limit especially when i got my train to rocco dude i push it to the fucking limit i sincerely push it to the fucking limit i did

legs yesterday do you understand me i fucking did squats i did uh uh split squats. I did zombie lunges. And I did fucking those butt ones where you fucking, I don't know what it is, but you put the bar over your penis and then you fucking thrust upwards. Bro, and it hurts your dick sometimes. But I fucking went through it. I go downtown.

I go downtown. I take my hand, I put it downtown under the fabric. I fix my penis because if I don't do that, then my penis gets fucking rocked by the 45-pound bar. You can't get your penis rocked by the 45-pound bar. Anyway, dude. Rough and rugged, unpolished and hardcore.

That's me, dude. Gully. Me and Taye Diggs. Taye Diggs goes to my gym, by the way. Shut up, buttersters you're an incel and um so yeah so dude uh i fucking worked out so hard my legs are so sore and i'm gonna do chest today and i'm gonna do back today dude i'm gonna walk around like a goddamn turtle uh dude people see me they're like Chris D'Elia or two turtles hugging?

Because his back's like that and his front's like that? Dude, is he coming or going? Is that two turtles hugging? What the fuck? Is that D'Elia or two turtles hugging dude i don't know man i don't know if it's that or if there's filming fucking they're filming the hobbit because i swear i see a camera crew on those fucking mountains dude if you listen closely if you listen closely to my back, you can hear Jake Gyllenhaal say, I can't quit you because that's an open range, dude.

Anyway, yeah, I woke up feeling good today god Zach always forgets his ID it's so annoying I'm going to take a break though dude I'm not even going up this week how about that dude I've never done that I never didn't call in for spots for a whole week in LA

and I'm doing it now and I'm doing it now because I deserve it and I deserve to kick back and relax and lay my feet and just fucking understand that I'm going to now. And I'm doing it now because I deserve it. And I deserve to kick back and relax and lay my feet. And just fucking understand that I'm going to be stretched out like a tall drink of water the whole time. Okay? I need to start doing it. I saw Kevin Hart came back.

And you know how. Man, that guy works fucking hard as shit. Everything with that guy is a movie. He came back and he's like. You know, sometimes you have to do this to do that. You know, he's one of those guys that always says does that kind of thing well sometimes you got to do this to do that sometimes you got to do that to realize this you know and that's what happens but he's the hardest working motherfucker dude even when that guy's like sometimes that guy will post an instagram of an instagram of his family on vacation and it still looks like it's work he's like i feel like that's how he goes on vacation. He's just like, this is how we're

going to do it. All right, we're going this way. We're going. Come on, get in the car. Get in the car. We're going to the airport. We got this. We got this. We got to make this happen. Come on. Come on, my family. And then he's in the thing. Jump in the pool. Come on. Here we go. Get on the suits. We're doing this. We got this, man. Jump in. There we go. We are having fun. That's how I feel like Kevin Hart does vacation because he can bear because I feel like he convinces himself that it's part of something that he has to do to make his work better because that guy works so hard. We're in the ocean now. You having fun? Get in. Are you having fun? Yes. Good. This is part of

life. And after this, we're going to go to a nice dinner. Do you understand? Eat it. Do you like that? Hell yeah, because we're having a good time because this is what life is about. Eat it. Have a good time. Do you want dessert? Yes and no. I feel like that's what he's like. He's working even on vacation. This is good. This is good for our family. Do you understand? This is good for our family we are building we are building um so yeah so it's just all sorts of shit um man there's a lot of stuff that happened this week though though. How about fucking Matthew McConaughey on Instagram? Did you see this? Speaking of Instagram.

When people go to my page. Okay. Okay. Okay. I mean, dude, you know, you know, I think I talked about Garth Brooks on the fucking. I know Segura talks about with Christina a lot on their thing about Garth Brooks. But, I mean, that shit, it's just the way I am. This is about Garth Brooks. But, I mean, that shit, it's just the way I am. This

is another Garth Brooks. I don't, it's funny, man. These guys get so famous and I think Matthew McConaughey is fucking awesome. You know? I fucking love him. He's a great actor. Seems like a cool guy. Seems like he loves being a guy's guy. Seems like he fancies

himself that way. like he's just like hey man i know i'm fucking oscar winner but you know me you know me it'd be hard pressed not to find me out in an open field somewhere with some tall grass you know yeah man that's just me i drink i drink beer that's me him and jason momoa like if they hung out together, it would be like the two fucking most guyiest guys that like would try to be proven that they're the most guyiest guys. Jason Momoa would be like, well, you know, I have an axe. And McConaughey would be like, yeah, man, that's funny. Yeah, I have an axe too. I have a few axes actually.

And Momoa would be like, no, but I made mine. And McConaug mom would be like no but I made mine and McConaughey would be like yeah yeah that's funny man I remember making my axes in the 80's and I made what was it I made a bow and arrow

to go hunt because we eat whatever we kill I haven't eaten a meal store-bought man it's been since the 80s and then moa was like yeah i was born it was when i was born but i don't think i've ever eaten a store-bought meal actually i remember when i was three my first word was uh let's kill something and eat it mcconaughey's like yeah yeah i remember that i remember that i was there you didn't say that did you no you weren't there because uh it's in this remote area

and then he cuts him off he's like, that remote area in that island where we just build everything. Anyway. I want them to see me. Okay. Here we go. When people go to my page, I want them to see me. Look, this is my first venture into sharing myself and my views with the world, and I'm a little bit nervous about it because, quite frankly, I know I want to have a monologue.

I'm not sure I wouldn't have the dialogue but first of all what's this fucking thing that white really white successful famous like uh uh um actors get where they're it's like they say some shit and just so many people have been yesing them that they'll say some shit and just howl after it. Like Tom Cruise in the fucking Oprah thing. Like Tom Cruise is there, Matthew McConaughey is there. Like movie stars get there.

You know? They'll just be like, you guys hungry? And they'll be like, yeah, yeah. What do you want to eat? And I'm like, I don't know, maybe maybe a chicken or something. And they're like, oh, man, he's so regular. That's what Zach Doncovio does. And he's not even famous.

He laughs at everything. Learn that you got to have the dialogue to have the monologue, just as you have to have a mon you gotta have the dialogue to have the monologue just as you have to have a monologue to have the dialogue fucking absolutely it's a philosopher oh fucking looking forward to it i'm looking forward to uh sharing who i am with you i'm looking forward to seeing if if who i am translates if what i want to share translates. If it tickles your funny bone, if it makes you think a second, makes your heart swell up a little bit. If it makes you take a quiet moment before a walk and go, I've got to check in with the M and the E.

Hopefully all those things. With me? Let's have some fun with it, though. Oh! Whoa, dude. Check in with the M and the E. Oh. Imagine that's your dad right there.

You'd be like, Dad, don't say the M and the E. Just say me. Oh, for fuck's sake, dude. Makes you want to check in with the M and the E. Oh, wow. So funny, man. Let's again, let's keep the high eye, not the low eye. High eye.

Oh, that was it. When people come to my page, I want them to see me. Look, this is my first venture into sharing myself and my views with the world. And I'm a little bit nervous about it. I hear the whole thing. Because quite frankly, I know I want to have a monologue. I'm not sure I want to have the dialogue.

Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise. But I've learned that you've got to have the dialogue to have the monologue, just as you have to have a monologue to have the dialogue. So I'm looking forward to sharing who I i am with you i'm looking forward to seeing if what if who i am translates if what i want to share translates if it tickles your funny bone if it makes you think a second makes your heart swell up a little bit if it makes you take a quiet moment for a walk

and go i gotta check in with the m and the E. Hopefully all those things. Let's have some fun with it, though. And let's, again, let's keep the high I, not the low I. High I. What does that mean? The high I? What is that? God, he's out to lunch, huh?

He is just eating lunch during that time. Look at the people who commented, Texas football? Of course they did. I mean, okay. Vanessa Hudgens. Into it, she says. Is that the girl, the young actress girl? I'm an idiot.

Yeah, of course that is. The Rock. Welcome to the gram and happy birthday, my brother. You know how we do it. All offense. Okay. Oh, Lincoln commented. You know how we do it. All offense. Okay. Oh, Lincoln commented. The car. Welcome to Instagram, official Matthew McConaughey. We think you'll enjoy the ride.

Okay. Reese Witherspoon. Roger Clemens. Jessica Chastain. It's so funny, these people like I see people like like I say he's amazing but motherfucker that's funny Garth Brooks shot that oh my god makes me want to check in

with the M and the E you mean me so fucking rocking okay dude there's something else i want to talk about that i've been thinking about for fucking week and a half uh and i cannot fucking believe that this is a real person. I can't believe I haven't known that until now. This guy's name is Orange Cassidy. And I tweeted about him. I said, how did I not know this guy was around?

I will follow him now to the ends of the earth. And I will, dude. He's the best wrestler I've ever seen. No offense to Dave Bautista, because I really love Dave. But this guy is fucking unbelievable, dude. I'm going to play this video. These guys are out of the ring. They're all in pain. And then the lights go out.

And it's like, what the fuck is going on? And now the lights come back on and there's this guy standing with a fucking jean jacket, jeans on, the jean jacket's open, aviator sunglasses, knee pads under his jeans and you can see because they're ripped

because he is at the shit. He's got a little bit of a beard, bounces off one rope, hands in his pockets dives through the ring and hits the guys on the outside of the ring and gets up fucking sunglasses are still on and sauntering back into the thing still pockets in his thing and gets up kick Kick flips. Oh, the shit. Okay, well, dude. When I saw that, I couldn't believe it.

I laughed so hard, all right? And now he is my favorite wrestler. And I will be on his team, dude. Do you understand? Or whatever the fuck. He wants, dude. Do you understand? Or whatever the fuck he wants, honestly. So I wrote that on Twitter and then so many articles

were written, like wrestling articles. It was like, Crystalia discovers Orange Cassidy or whatever and I would like to go on a fucking record as discovering Orange Cassidy. Wow. It was just so funny to me. I mean, bro, this is why it's so great, okay?

Everyone knows wrestling is fake. Who cares? Whatever. That's not good or bad. Wrestling is ridiculous. This guy is so dope, figured out how to be so cool, but also is poking fun at the wrestling world while wrestling. That shit is next level. That's why i like him so much

because he's like oh you thought wrestling was ridiculous check out if i don't use my hands and keep it real saucy that's the coolest shit and he's inspiring and there you have it dude look up the video i'm not saying any more about it because it's disrespectful to even talk about it because you have to see it. So T.I. checks his daughter's hymen every year. Hey, T.I., straight up, real quick, you're fucking crazy. Here's the thing dude you obviously heard the story where ti was on the podcast and he says after his birthday his daughter's birthday he always goes to the gynecologist and has the gynecologist check her hymen to make sure she's still a virgin

so uh okay that deserves a... Dude, T.I., chill, man. Let your fucking daughter do what she wants in the sexual department. She's 18, okay? Second of all, dude, don't tell everyone that you do that because now your daughter has to deal with the fucking blowback and the aftermath and she's getting made fun of, dude. Well, imagine the supreme ass you got to be to be like, yeah, I check my daughter's hymen every year.

How old is she? 18. We did it her birthday. Oh, really? Yup. And now have fun dealing with that daughter. I'm one of the most famous rappers oh my god dude i would have fucking moved out immediately right then i can't believe you did that and then of course did he apologize no right can't apologize as a rapper which is so annoying what a fucking lunatic dude so sad actually

uh but fucking shout out to that girl man sorry sorry about that that's cool i'm sure she's a fucking sweet girl man that sucks that he does that and and it what really sucks is telling everybody about it like i just said it's just like dude hey man weird as shit and then apparently he was on another podcast with his other son talking about and he was like 14 and the son or not a podcast but like a show and his son was like talking about like yeah and he was talking about his son like yeah you know he hasn't lost his virginity yet but it's coming you know ha ha like dude sexist patriarchy ti you know t t i it's the fucking only rapper you can't google you google ti and they're like you're not done with the word though right um i went to uh i can't believe i'm talking about this i meant to talk

about this on the podcast ever since the i started i was going to talk into it but i this is one of the reasons i i didn't forget about it it's just the special went so well after it that I started thinking about the special a lot. But I met Eminem. We hung out for two hours. And it was fucking unbelievable. You don't know this. So, yeah, dude. My agents and him and them, they're eight people, were going back and forth.

And they were like, Chris is going to be in Detroit. does m want to come to the show and they were like yeah definitely and then they were in new york and so they were like why don't why don't chris just come by the studio when we land so they were in the studio and mike lenochi and zach are like i'm i was always a huge eminem fan growing up i mean all that shit uh but mike eminem was mike's idol and still is and so mike's like oh my god i'm gonna fucking i talk about it all week so annoying i was like man maybe i shouldn't have invited you he's like i'll be fine i'll be fine so we get there and zach and and we get in there and we and we show up and eminem's just sitting there like come on they come on in and then we walk into the room and then sitting there and eminem stands up and goes like this flapping around like a babkin to me and i'm like okay this

is the craziest fucking thing already he's doing my impression to me of him and he was like what's up man and then we sat down and i'm sitting on the same couch as eminem and we're all talking and he was like man you killed that impression man it was so funny he was like it was amazing and the one in the garage where you're at it where you're where you're out of breath dude that's hilarious he's like because i get out of breath sometimes i was just like it was so mind-blowing and he is let me just say this about him i sat with him for two hours and in like 35 minutes in i go i did the obligatory kind of like nice guy like well we don't want to take up too much of your time. Like, so, and he was like, no, we're just chilling.

Hang out. It's like, all right. I said my fucking piece. So we were hanging out and he was talking about hip hop, talking about rap. I, you know, we can't, we want it to, obviously I want to do less of the talking. If I'm sitting with Eminem, I want him to do most of the talking. And, um, and he was just in the best way, in the best way, he was just the most normal, cool guy. You know, you don't know, you know, these fucking icons, these legends, you know, you meet them.

And sometimes they have this air where it's like, you're lucky to be here. Dude, he didn't feel that way at all. And it was so cool and refreshing. He was just a real mature kind of cool dude. Talked a lot about hip-hop. Talked a lot about who his favorite rappers were. And we talked about comedy a lot. We talked about different comedians.

We talked about, you know, my act, what I'm talking about. And it was just a trip, man. But he mentioned a bunch of his favorite rappers. He mentioned, you know, he mentioned Tupac and Biggie and Jay-Z and all those guys. But man, it was, I don't even know what to say, dude. I kept thinking about it the next day. It was just so cool.

And then they were like, well, let's get a picture. And we got a picture and I posted it to Instagram. And I was like, dude, I just, it's one thing to fucking do this thing in the in in my in my driveway and make this video and then it went viral and it's nothing for you to share and tweet it it's another thing for you to put me on the song i was like but this is so cool uh and it was just so nice of you to have us come in man it really means a lot and i've always been such a big fan of yours and he was like thank you man appreciate it. I mean, it's so fucking weird, man. Like, I mean, you know, I meet everybody.

You know, I meet everybody. I mean, I've met fucking everybody. I met Jim Carrey. I've met fucking all the, you know, that was my idol when I was a kid, Jim Carrey. And it's just like, it's it's a trip man to meet it's kind of a trip to meet somebody too out of the like i don't really care about music but i know a lot about hip-hop and i love hip-hop and uh it was cool to meet him because i i've listened to his music so fucking much, man. So shout out to everyone who made that happen. Tracy over there, too, that was kind of dealing with everything.

Tracy is so sweet. And all the other guys that were over there, too. His tour manager. And then this other producer was there, too. And Mike Lenocci and Zach Doncovio was there. So what else happened? What else was he? There was one part where he was like talking about some, somebody that was like talking

shit about him and he was talking to us in conversation and Eminem was like, you don't even know what I'm doing when I'm rapping and doing what we don't even know what I'm doing when I'm rapping. I'm using syllables, intricate dib and he started rapping in the middle of while he was talking to us and it was fucking unbelievable, dude, I was like on the couch with this guy and he's rapping talking to me, rapping

telling me something in a rap and it all made sense, it was fucking insane it was such, imagine that, dude, being on the same couch as Eminem and he's doing that shit. I was like, what the fuck? This life I have, this fucking

career that I've built out of fucking making dick jokes and, you know what I mean? Just being silly and having a silly goose time, dude. And telling you motherfuckers life rips and now I'm sitting on the couch with fucking Eminem and he's rapping to me. Heh, heh, ha, ha.

And he didn't even know that in the Sprinter van on the way from fucking Pennsylvania to Detroit that I drank so much coffee we had to pull over to the side of the road that I had to shit in someone's yard. He didn't even know that. And yes, that happened a week ago. Bro, in the Sprinter van, this week ago bro in the sprinter van this is what happened in the sprinter van we're in the sprinter van we're driving and i go like this all of a

sudden i'm sitting there and i'm chilling i'm like this is really cool the seats recline and i'm chilling i'm drinking my coffee and all of a sudden my my my fucking stomach goes and i'm like oh that's interesting that's weird anyway uh so anyway guys yeah this and that mike's sleeping and i'm like yeah zach and zach's like and then all of a sudden And I'm like what the fuck's going on This is weird man Anyway so it's cool checking my phone texting Yeah it's all good

That's funny I'm like I think maybe we should And then knock on the thing the divider And the thing goes buddy that was me butters You're a fucking incel And the driver goes Yeah and i said hey man um and i think about it and i'm like maybe i don't and then and i'm like you know what man you gotta uh maybe can you pull over we gotta find a a bathroom and he's like okay sure man next one

i was like all right cool we're still on a freeway another mile goes by there's no fucking exit and i'm like hey man we gotta do that now. And it was like, yeah, I know I'm getting off now. So he gets off. Great. And we're going to make it. And there is a thing when you're going to get off on the freeway, there's the right and the left. And on the right, there's a hospital. And on the left, there's another sign that says something a mile away. And he takes a left and I get mad because I'm thinking good hospitals have bathrooms, but he was thinking gas stations have bathrooms. So when he took the left, my sphincter went like this. And I thought, hey, man, what was the thing there?

And he goes, yeah, well, it said there's a gas station. And I go like this. Hey, man, pull over right now. And he says, says okay pulls over in someone's yard there were a bunch of trees hidden and i ran out took down my new kith sweatpants squatted and fucking did my business and took the kleenex from the Sprinter van and did my business there that way too. And then I had enough Kleenex, wiped, got back in the Sprinter van

and used the hand sanitizer. And the first thing I said was, damn, they're going to think they have a mountain lion problem. So I don't know whose house that was, damn, they're going to think they have a mountain lion problem. So I don't know whose house that was, but Chris D'Elia shit in your yard, wherever that was. If you see that it wasn't a mountain lion, it was a fucking comedian. It was a comedian.

And it was, and I felt fucking amazing afterwards, dude. Oh man, how about when you go, dude. Oh, man. How about when you go... When the shit... And you're just like, here we go. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to New York and I fucking...

No, there was no toilet paper. Oh, no. I took it. I took it. I took the... One fire's asking, who brought the toilet paper out to you? No, I took it

before I left the Sprinter van, bro. I take all my fucking supplies um anyway did you see the uh did i tell you about the um time i i went to the bath i'll save it for another podcast we're already over an hour but man that one was i should, I should actually, I'm going to write that now. I'm going to write that now so I don't forget it for next time. Oh man. Myself, shitting myself

at the Soho Grand. Okay, cool. All right, guys. That's your teaser for tomorrow. Have a good one, dude. You guys, life rips. Don't forget to fucking go.

The restock's going to happen soon. Life rips shirt. Life rips hoodies because there's different layers of life rippings. Text me at 818-239-7087. I'll try to text you back, man. I got so many people texting me. Support the show by buying the merch. Yeah, all that stuff.

And subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. And rate and review it on iTunes. It really helps. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. And I And rate and review it on iTunes. It really helps. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. And I got my new special coming out sometime soon. Oh, and You is coming out December 26th. I posted an Instagram about that. A lot of people think it's a joke because it's a thriller and I'm in it.

But I'm in it. I'm in the new episode, the new season of You, which is really cool. I can't wait to do that. And have you checked that out. See what happens with me and you. It's very thrilling. See you guys. Have a good time.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Thank you.