Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 147. Charlie Grateful

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about hats from Goorin Bros, his dad and calamari, clothes from H&M, an accident at the Soho Grand, Menorahs, the grove, complaining about Christmas coming early, and missed connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. We ripping, dude. It's Congratulations Podcast 147. And it seems like, look, you guys listen to this podcast. You like this podcast if you listen to it, if you're a long-time listener. You know, you listen to the episodes. To me, honestly, I'm going to be frank. It seems like we've been on episode 147 for 40 episodes.

But it's all good. We can't get to 150. I don't understand what's happening. Feels like we've been in the hundreds way longer than we've been in the fucking before the hundreds. Don't know what they call those, but it's all good. But well, one thing we do here, one thing we do here in Congratulations Podcast is,

dude, we don't fucking, we don't edit shit. We don't edit shit. We don't edit shit and we haven't really edited shit. We've edited maybe one or two things and it was because something weird happened but we don't do that when i order postmates i order postmates and you order postmates with me other podcasts they cut shit out we don't do it we chill baby we sit and we chill and you chill with me dude because you know you know what you see is what you get dude long time listener what you see is what you get, dude. Long-time listener, what you see is what you get. I don't give a shit if I do something visual and you're listening to it on the podcast.

I don't cut that out. You don't see it. You don't see it, and that's fine. I'm not your life. But whatever, dude. I'm doing Tampa, Florida. I'm going to Tampa soon. I got shows. I think they're all sold out. Melbourne, Florida. Tampa, Florida. I'm going to Tampa soon. I got shows.

I think they're all sold out. Melbourne, Florida. Hollywood, Florida. I keep opening up more sections in the theater because, you know, Dauntless. You know, all good, but Dauntless. You know, all good, but Bags and Dauntless. So El Paso, we're coming. At the Plaza Theater.

We'll be there November 29th at the Plaza Theater. Seeing Chris Lee bring his Follow the Leader Tour. Highly anticipated and anticipated. Houston, Texas, coming out there. We've got this renovation music center. We've got the early show that's sold out. The late show, we've got a little bit few shows left. Highly anticipated.

Follow the Leader Tour, highly anticipated and anticipated. And then Peoria, Illinois, for some reason, December 29th, we're going to be playing the Peoria Civic Center. Chicago, celebrate New Year's Eve with me. Dude, my hair is fucking back under the headband of the fucking whatever you call them, the Beats by Dre's. band of the fucking whatever you call them the beats by dre's now does my fucking i don't like when the back gets a little too long and it starts coming forward and you start seeing the fucking duck bill the the duck the duck butt like my fucking the back of my hair looks like a duck butt i don't like that does it flip out yes does it fucking need to grow a little bit longer so it stops flipping out? Yes. Will it? No, because I'll cut it before that happens.

And you won't. Dude, that's my hair, man. Maximum flip. That's what I call it back there, dude. Maximum flip. And I fucking came up with that with my friend Ryan Davis. I think he fucking actually came up with it, calling it maximum flip. He used to call his fucking back of his hair maximum flip, bro.

And I'll tell you what, dude. You think that I'll stop fucking saying that my whole life? Dude, you think I'll stop saying maximum flip about hair at any point in my life? Nah, that doesn't happen. When I say some shit, it's part of my shit and it keeps going dude so that's fine anyway maximum fucking flip bitch so uh it is what it is dude and i'm just chilling and uh i was here for a week in uh la after. after I shot my special in Minneapolis, Minneapolis, as I like to call it. And I did it.

I did my special. And now I fucking didn't do any. I didn't do any fucking shows, dude, because I made myself take off. And it was good. Sometimes you just gotta. I chilled. I drank coffee. You know how I do. I worked out hard. Check.

Work out hard. Check. Get coffee. Check. Chill. Check. You know. Walked around the house. Check. Got coffee and then went to go to get another coffee at another coffee shop, check. You think I drink one fucking coffee?

Dude, I'll go back to back, back to back. I'll go back to back on fucking coffees. I'm going to give you, you know, like picture me giving a shit. Picture me. Can you picture that? Nah, dude. Remember last time I left on a fucking cliffhanger last last episode left on a cliffhanger about shitting at the soho grand i'm not gonna get into that yet but

i looked at christmas trees man i went to this place that's just fucking an incredible place that has all these christmas trees i can't even remember where it was but dude man christmas is when when did Christmas jump the shark? Look, I love Christmas. It's also so annoying when people talk about how it's annoying that Christmas decorations go up too early. It doesn't matter. It's one of those things that it's like, it's annoying as, it's as annoying what you're annoying, annoyed about what you're doing. You know, it's like it's it's like just Christmas is coming.

It's about isn't coming. Christmas is coming and it's fine. Oh, it's fine. That Christmas coming, you know. But if you want to be fucking, you know. Not involved in it, then don't be involved in it. When people are like in L.A., like, oh, hey, do you go to the Grove and it's fucking, first of all, don't go to the Grove, okay? If you go to the Grove, you're going to have the most grovious experience of all time.

And the most grovious experience of all time is Christmas at the Grove. In L.A., you go to the Grove and it's like during Christmas time you have like it's like an outdoor mall or whatever LA has some outdoor malls because it never fucking rains why would you live anywhere else and so and so they decorated in like fucking August starting for Christmas because they

want to make fucking bags and they want to remain dauntless and I get it dude they want to remain dauntless but um people complain about it dude They want to remain dauntless. And I get it, dude. They want to remain dauntless. But people complain about it, dude. It's the most annoying thing. It's not that annoying when you go to the Grove and there's fucking garland around. Who cares?

You just don't look at it. Or don't go to Top Shop, you know? Where you can get a suit for $25. A three-piece suit for $25 and it rips on the red carpet. Oh, really? Hey, you're at Topshop. Hey, how much is this fucking three-piece suit? 17 bucks. Really?

Yeah. Can I try it on? No, it'll rip. All right, I'll take it. You know, it's like H&M when you're like, Whoa whoa this fucking jacket's pretty gnarly dude i'm gonna get this cool bring it up accept it boom sign here great sign cool yeah let me just head on out of the shop and get get to my car okay bye guys rip what's h&m said ever holy moly it's gonna rip soon yeah dude if this was another podcast we would cut that part out but we don't dude i'm wrong which is what you get holy moly h&m holy moly

uh yeah so i saw a christmas tree with the fucking flamingos all over it bye hey big tall flamingos all over the christmas tree you know don't put things as big as the christmas tree on the christmas tree you know christmas tree with the big some people will put big ass presents in the christmas tree like to hang them up on there. It looks bad. Now I'm going to be honest with you. It looks bad. Also, dude, Christmas is coming, okay? And if you're annoyed that Christmas is coming, well, be annoyed at the podcast

because this podcast is saying Christmas is coming and it's only November, okay? But it's never a flamingo Christmasmas okay sometimes i see things online i saw a thing online it's a very merry flamingo christmas guess what it's not ever a flamingo christmas but dude i saw ones with fucking like i mean there's somewhere with christmas there's sharks on it and shit probably. But there's so much decorations on Christmas trees in these fucking Christmas tree places. And I get it.

It's because this is their life. They can start getting rid of these Christmas trees. It's like those Halloween shops that are just only, they only really function in October. And it's like how you're not going out of business. These Christmas places, they're ready to get.

They're ready to get going in August. You know? So they decorate every last part. It's like my mom on fucking meth. My mom, if you go to her house, every little place has got tchotchkes all over it. Do I hate it? Yes. Is she my mom?

Yes. Do I love her still? Yes. But, dude, tchotchkes everywhere, man. And this Christmas place, they got bows. They got tinsel. They've got fucking flamingos. They've got, and it's just so much shit, dude.

Anyway, what I like is red and green. And I like the Christmas trees that are, the ornaments are hung up. Different ornaments so it looks like a family did it. I don't like this store-bought shit. Why would you take the feeling out of Christmas? Is your house your house or is it Bloomingdale's? You know? If you have kids, make the kids hang up the fucking school bus ornaments or whatever the shit you know that's it um my my grandpa would

would would would would have his kid his kids do the trees, which was my dad, obviously, if you know anything about lineage. And he would be like, he would sit in his chair, and he would be like, put it there, go right there. That's where that one goes. And my dad would be like, here? And from the chair, my grandpa Ben would be like no right there my dad would be like this one here no there's a spot right there

right here right there is where I'm pointing not there there and he'd be like fucking 20 feet out that's what I'm gonna do to my kid dude put it there where there where there right here did i fucking say there there and he's gonna be three i don't know what to do where to put this it's too high to put up there i can't get up there jump use a step stool. Have your mother fucking hold you up. There. There. Hey, you. There. You. Hold him there. Where?

Here? There. Hold him here? Yeah. Now put it there. Son, put it there. Where? There.

Here? There. Everyone just screaming there at my whole family. Another. A daughter. Where'd I put this one? There. Put it.

Give it to fucking him. Hold him. Have your mother hold him. your fucking you hold her there hang up the fucking star on this one is that the top there um dude i can't wait to have kids and make them crazy shit dude um yeah so and also hey i got some news for you man i know that shit's crazy about the in the holiday season we always keep hearing the fucking hey it's not a christmas tree it's a holiday tree i don't give a fuck what it is dude call it a holiday tree what the fuck do i care who cares call it a subaru what's it dude? It's green and you hang fucking school bus ornaments on it. You put tensile all over it. Who cares?

There was this one guy who tweeted, this is not a holiday tree, it's a Christmas tree. Okay? Okay. Okay. All right. Cool. Good. Have a fucking, have dinner. What do I give a shit? You call it, you call it, when someone gets mad, hey, this is a Christmas tree.

Oh, okay, you mean the holiday tree? Imagine being like, no, no, no, I mean Christmas tree. Imagine getting that mad. If I say that's a Christmas tree, you mean a holiday tree? I go like this, yeah, right there. Who gives a shit? The people who are outraged, it should stop with the people who are outraged. You don't get more outraged.

Who gives a shit, man? That being said, sometimes your boy gets outraged. But yeah, man. That's so weird when somebody gets mad. This isn't a holiday candle. This is a fucking, what do they call the Hanukkah things? Menorah. Now, is it weird that menorah, if you shorten the word, it's menorah, and that means shit?

Yes. Have I always thought that? Yes. What came first, menorah or menorah? Dunno. But I'm pretty sure horsies were shitting for fucking centuries and centuries. Why weren't Jews like, oh boy,

maybe we should change it? Let's call it a menorah. Well, okay, but that sounds like horse shit. What the hell does it matter who cares light them up what should we call it poopy candles or menorah well can't call it poopy poopy candles why not because it's got poopy in it but nor where it is aye

dude whatever you can't get mad at me I'm Jewish I don't I'm a dude ah man people are so fucking I don't want to always talk about

how people are outraged but everybody's fucking outraged. Get the holiday trees, the holiday candles. How about the lady that was fucking talking about on Twitter? About the fucking comedy club? Oh, this shit was so funny. God, this shit was so funny. I tweeted it. Let me fucking do it here it's right here god this made me laugh dude courtney pong her name is

tonight i shut down a string of misogynistic stand-up comics as in i walked on stage in the middle of one of them talking addressed the the audience, offered a full refund, told them it would not be tolerated here, and pulled the show. And then a follow-up tweet. And it's comics from our theater. Oh, and it pulled the show. And it's comics from our theater immediately. Lights on. Go home.

This was the best part. I have never felt more alive than right now. Hey. Dude. Okay. ever felt more alive than right now hey dude okay this is the best because obviously she can do what she wants if it's her comedy club great you can put whoever whatever comics you want on there but dude if you want to control what people are saying and what jokes they're making don't have a comedy club how bad is it gonna be holy fucking shit the people the people that were responding were killing dude the fact that that makes her feel alive is so funny

you ever been wrong in front of a bunch of people? You know how alive you feel when that happens? Or just when you're bombing on stage? You know how alive you feel? That's what she was doing. Feeling alive because she was being wrong. Dude, don't have a comedy show if you're going to say. It's like the best thing about the comedy story is you go up there.

You work your shit out. You fail if you fail, and you succeed if you succeed. But nobody's saying don't say this, don't say that. Mitzi Shore rolling over in a fucking grave. So funny. Safe comedy, as in unfunny comedy. So I wrote this. I wrote just a crying emoji, crying laughing emoji.

And somebody... Somebody wrote... Somebody wrote something like, I don't get why are you laughing? This is a good thing. Somebody wrote, and I immediately made this all about myself. Wonder how the audience...

Oh, so there were 17 people in the audience. Dude, this was the article about it, though. There was an article written terribly in some fucking stupid thing. Here it is.

It was called the Universal Hub.com. Okay okay misogynist comedians stay out of rosalindale made up town that fucking you know would be in a fucking wb show rosalindale tonight on rosalindale a girl with red hair gets upset Roslindale. A girl with red hair gets upset. The owner of a comedy spot in Roslindale shut down a series of stand-up sets last

night after she says she'd had enough of a string of racist sexist jokes. I love that the word jokes is in there. Once that happens, everything's moot. Courtney Pong, who owns the Rozzy Square Theater, shortened it to cock to say it's the Rozzy Square.

Oh, wait, I want to write this down. Dad with the sauce. Over the next 40 minutes or so, so she runs an improv and lets other group put on standup shows. Uh, over the next 40 minutes or so, she cringed, listened to a number of this bitch jokes and finally had enough.

When one guy told a joke about how he couldn't understand why Uber fired him for making women customers ride in the trunk, dude, like, okay, fine. I'm sure that's a bad joke. I wasn't there.

It was probably stupid, but like, so funny to see it in writing. like that was what that she said is when she realized wait a minute i own this place should have realized it sooner it's your place don't ever forget that sitting at the sound table in the back of the theater she hit a button that rang a loud bell wow dude you know big brother walked into the front and announced the night was over and that in the back of the theater, she hit a button that rang a loud bell. Wow, dude. You know, big brother. Walked into the front and announced the night was over and that she would give refunds to the four paying customers and the other 13 people in the room were friends of the performers.

Yeah. No shit. She wrote, it's not okay. She says, it's not okay. It's's not okay it's not who we are she told the audience is and somebody from the audience said is this a joke or is this part of the act pong said she chose rosendale very deliberately as a site for her 49 seat theater to get away from stuff like this then thought even though she knew she could have made a lot more money someplace like downtown. Oh, man.

Then she wrote no woman in the world would have wanted to stand in that room last night. I mean, that's not true. It's so fucking egotistical to think that everybody just wants to feel what you feel and hear what you hear and think what you think it's like how could you fucking have that in your head just if you don't want to run your business the way that's fine but you're not going to get good comedians to do it that's it, that's all I want to say about that. But it was so fucking funny. And my buddy,

Earl Skakel, wrote under it. Tonight I shut down. He wrote, where is the, in quotes, where is this gig? And can I have an incredible set there?

And he put a picture of Jeremy Piven under it. Can I have an incredible set there? And he put a picture of Jeremy Piven under it. Can I have an incredible set there? That's so funny. Jeremy Piven does stand up. Anyway. No, it's all good. Jeremy Piven does stand up. So anyway.

So. You know, in a fucking hat. Jeremy Piven does stand up in a fucking hat that you buy at fucking Gormson and Cormson or whatever the fuck that place is called. Oh, for fuck's sake. Jeremy Piven does stand up in a fucking ascot and a hat you'd buy from Gormsman and Gormsman or whatever the fuck that stupid place is. Imagine buying a hat at fucking Gormsmen and goomsmen. What the fuck's it called? Gorin and goomsen?

Gorin bros. Oh, for fuck's sake. Hats from gorin bros. Imagine wearing a fucking hat. Premium headwear, it's called. Nope. Wear a hat. Premium headwear.

Of course, the fucking goddamn picture, the main picture in the fall collection on the website is a guy staring at goats. Hey, Gormsman, go fuck yourself. What is it, Goran? Dude, go fuck yourself. Imagine staring at fucking 22 goats. Oh! Dude, there's a guy leaning up against a barn. Dude, let me tell you something right now. Fuck all photo shoots that are at a barn.

For real, dude. You're not extra good looking because you took a picture near some hay. That shit's so annoying. You got all the layers on and you're near a fucking horse. You're not good looking because you took a picture near some fucking wood, dude. That's so annoying, man. You know what?

I got a really cool place. We got it. You know, there's a place. It's just like 20. Honestly, it's just 20 minutes outside. It's near Castaic. We take a drive and the traffic is coming back. It's just so bad.

It's unbelievable. You wish you fucking hung yourself. But we'll go out there. We'll take a few pictures. It's near Castaic Lake. And you know, there's a barn there. And we'll take a picture. There's a fucking, I'll bring a horse. But we'll go out there. We'll take a few pictures. It's near Kastak Lake. And you know there's a barn there. And we'll take a picture. There's a fucking, I'll bring a horse.

And you'll be good looking, dude. It'll pop you up a notch or two on the fucking 1 through 10 scale. Dude, Gorin. I'm going to get some fucking Gorin hats for real. I'm going to get some fucking Gorin hats. And I'm going to rock it. And I'm going to do stand up with it. And I'm going to kill-up with it and I'm

gonna kill it dude and I'm gonna go on before Jeremy Piven and as I walk up and I'm gonna go like dude this is the new one you don't have this one just fucking anytime you got designer headwear dude with just a cool casual white t-shirt, you know, because you're killing it over in Venice. And you got some fucking stupid dog. Some stupid like fucking dog that looks like it has breathing problems. You don't have an album, you know. Don't get a fucking Goran hat and get a personality. Period.

Learn karate, you fucking, you know what I mean? Look at the names of these fucking hats. Deekle. Deekle. Deekle, dude? Are you fucking shitting me? Look at the name of this one hat. It's called You're Amazing. Oh, you fucking piece of shit, dude.

Look at this, dude. Treat Street. Welp, cool. Never been more mad. Why aren't people outraged at this shit? Are you kidding me? Look at this fucking hat. It's called Canyon Reef.

Go fuck yourself, dude. Do you fish in it? Of course, there's one called Cloud Nine. Oh, there's a hat called Yes Ma'am. Dude, the only person who would wear a hat called Yes Ma'am is somebody who fucking straight up does date rape. This is my Yes Ma'am. Dude, the only person who would wear a hat called yes, ma'am is somebody who fucking straight up does date rape. This is my yes, ma'am. Oh, this hat's called the yes, ma'am. Oh, really?

Fucking no, dude. Dean the Butcher Elevated. That's clunky. Vodka Soda. Oh, my fucking shit ass cunt. Are you kidding me? This hat's called the fucking the director bro they're all the fucking called the director look at them all fatima beverly corleone

beverly corleone dude come on keep going the saloon the occasion dude, that's like fucking... Do you know how much of a fucking cock ego you have to have to fucking name a hat the Thomas Santiago? A better man, dude. This hat is called a better man. Patty Cake. This is actually better than when I was reading the names for the fucking... Whatever the... Let me just read some of these keep it this way don't move it players club okay fine dreamboat waterway charlie grateful all right dude charlie grateful sounds like a fucking rapper that would come out in 1999 yo Yo, what's up? It's Charlie Grateful.

And he would wear all purple. Yo, what's... And he would have a hat. He'd have a song that starts with, Pardon me, ma'am. How you doing? Like, dude. Dude. Charlie Grateful would have a fucking song

in 1999 that would come out and it would start with, Pardon me, ma'am. How you doing? I'm just trying to get a papadabapadaboom. Babadabadaboom. I'm Charlie Grateful. Spell it backwards.

Be a bit grateful. Grateful Charlie. Be a bit a boop-bop-bop. Dude, there's a fucking hat called Fancy Dog. There's a hat called The New Guy. And there's a hat called Trumpet Blues. All those fucking hats were the nbc lineup in 2004 i swear to god tonight after fancy dog join tonight after the fancy dog an all-new trumpet blues with, an all-new Trumpet Blues.

With fucking, an all-new Trumpet Blues with fucking the guy who's, with a guy who's a little bit Mexican, but not too much, so white people will watch him. On a new Trumpet Blues. George,

on a new Trumpet Blues, George Lendez. People will be like, is that Lendez? What is that? That's not Mexican. It begins with maybe Mendez, but Lendez on an all new trumpet blues

starring George Lendez and Monique. We got the perp. Come on, let's move out. He's got a fucking Charlie Grateful hat with the soundtrack from Charlie Grateful.

What's up, ma'am? How you doing? I'm Charlie Grateful. Make it go lower. What are these hat names, dude? They're so... make it go lower what are these hat names dude how about the fact that there's straight up 500 hats you can buy dude have 17 and push those this fucking some crazy guy just i gotta keep making hats call this one to charlie grateful man like i don't know it'll sell fuck it put it out there call this one the nox duncan

holy shit dude and all knew the glider after double take and all knew the glider starring jeff stultz Stultz after after double take starring fucking some girl that was that what's that fucking who's that guy god damn who's that guy

who played Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend and friends who no not him oh that's good though. Tom Selleck would for sure be that guy. The Glider. And all knew The Glider after Baron.

After the Baron. And all knew Knox Duncan, P.I. You can put P.I. after any of these hat names and it would be a fucking show. Mr. Cash put P.I. after any of these hat names, and it would be a fucking show. Mr. Cash, P.I. Southern Coast, P.I. Double Take, P.I.

Conrad, P.I. Contrarian, P.I. Wow, these fucking fuck hats, dude. These fucking piece of shit hats. Imagine a guy wearing this hat, and he's 5'6". God, these fucking hats. All right. Prime Day is here.

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Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. All right. Dude, those hats. Those fucking hats. Dude, those hats. Those fucking hats. This is the kind of arguments I get in my family. I get it in my family.

These are the kind of arguments I get in with my family, I should say. On friends. Wait, hold on. I want to see this guy's name. What was his name? Ross Geller, it says. No, that hold on. I want to see this guy's name. What was his name? Ross Geller, it says. No, that's not what I want. Eddie, I think his name.

Who's this guy? Who gives a shit? I don't care. All right, look. My dad went to go put some fucking calamari. He had two pieces of calamari on his fork. Now, this is the important shit I like talking about. This has nothing to do with world events or current events.

But this shit is seriously the kind of stuff that I think about and I want to know about. My dad had two calamaris on his fork, okay? One was on the fork, obviously more than the other one, because one was on it first. The other one was on it, and I could tell it was on it precariously. He didn't really poke it hard enough. Now, when I saw him do that and not fix it, I was like, I noticed it. Now now i noticed it because i'm fucking uh charlie good night fucking what is it pi okay i'm on the nbc lineup in 2003 i'm a pi baby so i saw it and i

thought well he's been dipping him in the sauce it's on precariously he's not gonna fucking he's gonna lose it in the fucking sauce all right now i'm watching him do it sure enough he goes to dip it in loses it in the sauce there's still some loses one of them in the sauce there's still the other calamari or if you're a piece of shit calamari in america you say it like that if you're italian you say calamari you're not a piece of shit if you're in here you say calamari you're a piece of shit okay so there's some sauce on the one that's not in the sauce well that's doused obviously in the sauce so there's one and he eats it and then i go oh you didn't know that was gonna happen and he says huh and i said you didn't know you were going to fucking lose that one in the sauce? And he says, I don't care.

And I said, and then he goes and grabs it out of the sauce with the fork and puts it in his mouth. I said, there's too much sauce on that one, huh? And he says, no. Now, you know, it's like, first of all, have a goddamn opinion about something, dad. Okay? Have a goddamn opinion about something. All right? If you're going to put a fucking fork in a calamari, put it in the calamari.

If you want to get two calamaris, fucking poke the whole goddamn two calamaris. All right? If you're going to dip it in the sauce, do that. If you're going to dip it in the sauce, for sure poke the two calamaris. All right. This fucking guy has one calamari in the fork and another one dangling off like it's a boogie. All right. Dips it in, leaves the one in the sauce, eats the original one that was on it low. And I say, I didn't know that was going to happen. And he looks at me and he says, I don't care. And then he eats it. And I said, there's too much that was going to happen. And he looks at me and he says, I don't care.

And then he eats it. And I said, there's too much sauce on that one too. Huh? He says, no, I liked it. Holy fucking shit, dude.

This kind of thing is not something that I fucking live. All right, dude. I, I said to him, you didn't, again, I said,

you didn't know that you were going to lose that calamari in the sauce. And he says, I don't care that it happened. And I said, dad, that's not the fucking question I'm asking you. Did you know you were going to lose the calamari in the sauce? And he said,

no, I don't think I did. And I said, well, that's what makes you a fucking bad detective and me a good detective, man. And he says, but I didn't think I did. And I said, well, that's what makes you a fucking bad detective and me a good detective, man. And he says, but I didn't think about it and I didn't care. And I said. I actually don't remember what I said at that point, but i do remember him then taking the fucking calamari

in the thing and eating it and i said that's too much sauce on that calamari and you fucking know it and he says no i liked it and then the next thing he did was take calamari out of the calamari and put it in his mouth with no sauce, dude. Like, dude, how much sauce do you want on each calamari? Dude, how fucking funny is it that he was just like carefree, chilling, oh, I want some sauce on this calamari. I want total sauce on this calamari. And you know what? Oh, let me go nuts and have no sauce on this calamari. you know what oh let me go nuts and have no sauce on this dude oh my god man find out the way dude he's 72 how do you like to eat calamari

how do you like to eat calamari how much sauce you like on the calamari this guy's just willy nilly trying to scoop out fucking calamaris like it's that fucking what's that fucking thing that we try to grab a pokemon or a a fucking teletubby out of a thing and you can never do it because you always grab it out of the you put in a cord and you grab it and you got it a little bit and you're like oh put it over to the drop it and then it drops too soon what do you call that fucking thing of a car at a carnival what is it grabbing game crane crane that's what it is this guy's just doesn't know how he likes his calamari he's 72 years old don't know how i like his calamari do you best believe when i get a fucking ice cream sundae i tell him to put if anything comes with sauce dude you put the sauce

on the side i'll take the shit with the spoon and I'll decide how much sauce goes on each fucking bite, dude. And I'm not even fucking 40 and I know that. That's coming to you straight from the youngest man alive. I'm the youngest man you've ever met, dude. I'm the youngest man you've ever heard of. And I know this. And my 72-year-old father is just willy-nilly dropping calamari everywhere and then sometimes just tossing them in his mouth like it's a fucking potato chip with no sauce.

Or a popcorn, I should say. Oh, we were fucking laughing, dude. Also, I'm going to post a video in a little bit. My dad fucking, when he says bye, he's so Italian. First of all, he grabs the back of my fucking head. And he says, I'll see you later. And fucking gives me a kiss on the cheek, which is fine. That's cool.

I like that shit. But it's always so fucking high, dude. And every time he does it, I try to get on my tippy toes at the last minute. So he misses and hits my cheek. And I'm like, Dad, you fucking kiss my eye, dude. And he's like, that's not your eye. This is your eye. This is your eye. And he starts poking my fucking dude. And he's like, that's not your eye. This is your eye. This is your eye.

And he starts poking my fucking eye. And I'm like, dad. And he's like, look, look, look. Let me just show you. This is your cheek. This is where I'm going to kiss you. And he kisses me on the fucking right here, dude. Right here.

If you're watching the video, it's right here. Who kisses somebody on the fucking cheekbone for real? I'm like, go lower, dude. Go here. Kiss fucking here. It's like that old A1 steak sauce commercial. Gets you here. Gets you right here.

Kiss where the guy's pointing on the fucking commercial. Dude, it's so... No, no. It grabs... It's so fucking aggressive and high. No, no, no. Let me grab... Come so fucking aggressive and high. No, no, no. Let me grab... Come on, come on.

And then I go to kiss my mom. My mom goes right on my fucking cheek where it should be. Right like where the teeth meet, you know? And I'm going to post that video. It's probably on my Instagram right now. So... right now um so you gotta know how to dip your calamari by the way i've never had calamari in my life never had calamari in my life and i fucking won't have calamari in my life i don't think that that's the kind of thing i want to do dude never had calamari in my life i don't do things until i regret i haven't done them.

That's how it goes. That's why I never smoked weed. That's why I never fucking drank alcohol. That's why I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19, dude. You know why? Because I wanted to make sure I wanted to do it. And then when I regretted I didn't have sex with that one girl one time,

that was when I knew I was ready and wanted to have sex. It's like when you're shopping. You go out. Oh, do I want to buy that coat? Let me leave the shop. You leave the shop. Damn, should have bought that coat. That's when you go back and you buy the coat.

Now me, don't want to buy the coat anyway at this point in my life. All right, where's my other fucking ads? Then I'm going to get into some hot fucking shit and stories. Speaking of you, I'm going to be in you. Who's this? Don't know. Oh yeah, hell yeah.

My manager just emailed me. Well, and I'm going to email back because it's respectful. We are setting a meeting with the director for this week. That's what's up, dude. I might be doing another movie. Hell yeah. Hell, hell yeah.

I'm writing back hell yeah to Josh Lieberman. No. Yeah. So anyway. hell yeah to Josh Lieberman no yeah so anyway imagine getting one of those Goren hats and thinking that's cool I can't believe they took pictures near some goats yeah so let me tell you this story

since I cliffhanged you last time when I shit myself at the Soho Grand. Dude, I actually didn't. I actually didn't because I told the fucking Freddy Krueger story twice on this podcast already. I took a dump in my red shorts at Chris Siegel's house because I was scared because Freddy was going to get me. Chris Siegel's house because I was scared because Freddy was going to get me. Dude, I was at – I went to go to my cousin's bar mitzvah. He's like the only Jewish kid in our family.

So I felt like I should go. I wanted to support him. My family was there. Flew to New York. The bar mitzvah was in New Jersey. So I felt like I should go. I wanted to support him. My family was there. Flew to New York. The bar mitzvah was in New Jersey. Flew to New York because I was on the road already. And I was going to meet my, remember I was married, my ex-wife. I was like 20 fucking six.

I was going to meet her there. And I was staying at the Soho Grand for one night before she got there or something. Anyway, I felt good, you know. Married guy out on the fucking town. Got to New York early. Nothing to do. I was on the road. Didn't have a show that night.

Woke up early. Feeling good, dude. You know when you're jet lagged? You go from west to east and you wake up early. Or if you go east to west, you wake up early. Whatever it is. You know when you're jet lagged, you go from west to east and you wake up early? Or if you go east to west, you wake up early. Whatever it is. You know, you're all fucked up. I went from west to east.

I woke up early. I was like, you know what? I got enough sleep. I'm fine. Let's do this. Get up. I'm just going to walk around. I went to college there for a year.

So I was going to walk around, look at the area. I hadn't been there for a bit uh i'm feeling good it was one of those fucking times where you wake up and you're just like you know you wake up sometimes and just so i see a few blocks down one of those bagel place like those like carts that sell bagels Bagels and eggs and bacon and shit. And I go. One please. Eat it. Keep walking. As I'm walking I'm eating it.

I see another cart. Coffee. Hey. Look it's got cool coffees. Maybe it was a fucking actually it was like one of those. They are like a little half store. And I say. One please. Now I'm eating the fucking bagel and I'm drinking the

coffee and I'm and I'm walking and I'm taking a walk and it's it's still early the streets aren't even bustling yet but the sun is out now I'm keep walking I take my last my last sip of coffee and I feel on the top of my stomach. Now, that's fine. Sometimes your stomach just goes, right? But I keep walking because it's nothing. If I need, I can go to the bathroom in one of these places. It's all good.

Keep walking and all of a sudden, I feel. Now, the first time I felt, the second time I felt The second time I felt There were double Okay So I was like man Maybe I should go to the bathroom Nah Kept walking

Okay Also there's bathrooms everywhere It's New York fucking city So now I'm like You know what I actually don't really Know what's up But my stomach doesn't really feel too well So I'm like I'm just gonna ah, you know what? I actually don't really know what's up, but my stomach doesn't really feel too well. So I'm like, I'm just going to turn around.

What the fuck am I doing anyway? You know? I'm just going to walk back. Where am I going? I'm just chilling. I'm just going to walk back. So I start to walk back, and as soon as I pivot to walk back, I feel... Oh, that's much longer than the first one.

So I think, well, you know what I'll do? Obviously, I've got to go to the bathroom. I'll walk back to the hotel. I'll go to the bathroom at the hotel. And if I need to, I'll stop before that in one of these great, fantastic shops that exist in New York City. So I'm walking, I'm walking, and the contractions are happening, you know, closer together. I'm walking, taking a few steps. Pretty soon, it turns into a little bit of a fucking, uh-oh.

Okay? I'm like, ah, well, you know what? I'm actually going to try and find a fucking spot to just unload. You know what I mean? So I try to get into this one place. It's closed. I'm like, ah, whatever. Oh, shit.

I see it's closed. Uh-oh. All right. Well, fuck it. Keep walking. Keep walking. Keep walking. And I realize that this is where I get mad because it's New York City.

Nothing's open. It's too early. But it's New York fucking city, though, dude. So in my head not only is fucking going on but also i'm like dude this is new york fuck i'm gonna have this new york fucking city and none of these fucking places are open it's 8 a.m why are none of these places open i gotta fucking unload so now i'm like well at least i have the hotel i can get back to and i'm starting thinking man is this too fucking far away, dude?

Is my shit going to give out? Are the levees going to break? So I start walking fast. And now I'm like, where's the fucking place I got to go? where's the fucking place? I got to go. And I'm like, do I go slow enough to check and see if places are open?

Or do I hit a full sprint and just hope to get back to the hotel? And I don't know. So I check one more place. It's closed. And that's when I decide, Chris, it's going to be the hotel. You understand? And I hit a full sprint.

I hit a full sprint back to the Soho Grand, and I'm far from it. And there are times to where I'm like, holy shit, I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm clenching so hard. I get to the Soho Grand. As soon as I see the Soho Grand, I start to open up. I'm like, oh, this is not going to be good, okay?

I think the hotel elevator better be on the floor that I'm on because if I have to wait for it, oopsie-daisy, okay? So I get to the elevator. The fucking door fucking doors open i don't even hit it i'm like thank god people are in it they get out i get on i hit the button as i'm going up in the elevator to my floor i'm unbuckling my pants i can't i can't spare any second. All right? The door opens, and my fucking underwear is out.

If someone's there, I don't give a fuck. Imagine someone, the door open, all of a sudden I just want to move, and just shit all over everywhere. That would be amazing for them to tell that story. Anyway, I run down the hall. I get my key out. I running down holding my pants i unlock the door now this is the part dude there's in the room there's a hallway to the bedroom that goes to the right past this like i don't know fourfoot hallway is the bathroom door, okay? Now, if I'm looking at the, if I'm opening the bathroom door, or if I'm opening the hotel door, there's the hallway I have to step through.

That goes perpendicular to how I'm facing. I don't have to run down the hallway. I have to cross the hallway. You see what I'm saying? And then there's the bathroom. And the bathroom is set up to where the toilet is to the... If I'm looking at it,

the toilet's on the left and it's facing out towards the right. Okay? So picture the toilet's not facing me. It's on the left and it's facing to the right. Okay? So I have already worked out that I'm going to take off my pants and I'm going to do a spin move and sit on the toilet.

And as I'm sitting on the toilet, I'm going to let loose. Okay. So I see the toilet. As soon as I see the toilet, the plan is fucked because you know when you see a toilet and you gotta go you're gonna go right so i decide that oh shit it's coming out i do a an even quicker spin move and like a fucking gatling gun it just hits all the side of the wall It just hits all the side of the wall.

One of those guns with the circles, you know? Like they're trying to get the predator. And it just covers the fucking... And I sit on the toilet. Most of it gets in the toilet, and I just go... And I never felt better, dude. Relief, bro. And then I cleaned it up. And that was the fucking most...

I'm just... Dude, it was the worst. It was the worst. Oh, it feels so good when you go. I'm just... What about... Dude, it was the worst. Oh, it feels so good when you go. Doesn't it? It feels like whoever you voted for for president won. That's what it feels like. You're just like, oh, make America great again.

Oh, man. just like oh make america great again oh man you want to do some uh things what do you call them craigslist okay he wants me to see this one thing real quick so far it's What is this shit? Wow. Somebody said, has anything ever been more German? And can I? I'll play it. Hold on, hold on. I'll play it on mine. Has anything ever been more German?

Sam Roger, laptop guy. Hold on. Twitter. It's Twitter. I'm on Twitter. Search Twitter. It's Twitter. I'm on Twitter. Search Twitter. Underscore. Laptop.

Underscore. Guy. I mean, you know, change it. Laptop guy. Like, not even a cool guy to be. All right, here we go. This guy. Whoa, whoa whoa whoa oh my oh this is a tiktok this guy's fucking wife left him and he went in the forest and did this.

Sinsecure. Oh, Sinsecure. Ha ha ha ha. I'm just saying it's fine. The most German shit ever, dude. What is this look? It's like a fish. What is it?

This is weird. What is he saying even? Do you know? I'm going to tweet back to this guy. Here, I'm going to actually tweet it with comment. What is this guy saying? Any Germans out there? Okay, now I'll know.

Wow, laptop guy came through with the most German thing of all time. Yes, I buy. That's what I buy. Oh, ha, ha, ha. My wife just left me. That's what I buy. Oh, ha, ha, ha. My wife just left me. That's what he's saying. All right, cool. Let's do some misconnection.

Connection. Connections. Let's do some misconnections. Here we go. Los Angeles. Misconnections. Any female home alone? It's creepy, first of all.

Any female bored? Hit me up. I can stop by your place. Wow, how gentlemanly of you. We can smoke, maybe have some drinks. It's on me on me just looking for good company i'm not that picky it's okay if you're a little overweight me i'm average not bad looking do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers man that's fucking sad dude if you're gonna go for it at least go for it i'm average if some guy says he's average, not bad looking,

he bad looking. You know? It's like if a guy's like, you know, like what's Brad Pitt saying about himself? He's so handsome. He'd be like, I mean, you know,

you know me, I do all right, I'm okay. And you're like, bro, you look like a fucking statue. Any female board? Any female board. So not picky? No girl would ever want that they want to feel special okay next new beer tasting buddy gardena it was nice meeting you sir last night i enjoy

beer tasting too and i'm glad we share the same interests i enjoyed your company since you're a hot old man probably in his 60s this heavyset chubby boy is in his late 30s is interested. Do not contact me on the solicitor's office. This heavyset chubby boy in his late 30s is interested. Know what I was thinking about actually? How can you let yourself get fat? Fat is one thing, but like, you know what? what obese is a problem i get it you know america doesn't make it easy to not be fat but if you're a guy that has all of the stuff you know you have money you have how are you chubby, dude? Hey, guy. Guy who's well-off or middle-class,

how are you chubby? How are there any chubby middle-class guys? I get if you're chubby. Even if you're rich and chubby, I get it because it doesn't matter. Most guys' goals are to get chicks or have a family. And that doesn't matter if you're chubby and rich as fuck. You have a family, whatever, you're a family guy. If you're a chubmeister and you got a fucking money, who cares?

But if you're middle class, if you're not poor, how the fuck are you chubby? That's your job, bro. Get fit. Don't be chubby. Don't be fat. Have a fine body. You don't have to be fucking ripped. But there's chubby guys out there that are middle

class? I don't get it. And single! Huh? Huh? It's like the guy from La La Pra La La La La Pra La. Huh? How is that? That's the thing.

Right there. And when a chubby guy is middle class. How does it happen, dude? Go to the gym. Work out. Lift some potted plants. Run up and down the stairs in your house. I don't get it.

And I'll never get it. And I won't ever get it. And don't ever expect me to get it. Anyway, that's it. I don't get it. And I'll never get it. And I won't ever get it and don't ever expect me to get it. Anyway, that's it. I don't want to do anymore. Wow. Text me. 818-239-7087.

I'm trying to text back. It's really hard, but I send out some videos to people and stuff like that. You can support the show by buying merch. We got the Life Rips Reload coming soon. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. Have you guys seen Comedians of the World? I was thinking about that

the other day. I don't know how many people saw that. I'm the second episode of Comedians of the World on Netflix. Go watch that before you see my new special coming out in a few months. I did that and it's very fun. You, December 26th. Very cool. I'm going to be on the second season of that.

So have a good one. Oh, yeah, I'm going to be on Whitney Cummings' podcast, Good For You, on Wednesday. That's dropping, so you can check me out on that. All right, guys. You guys are the best. Thanks for listening. You know what I mean? Have a good one.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Thank you.