Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 148. Chris Calls His Dad

Episode Date: November 26, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about disgraced Papa Johns CEO John Schnatter, acceptable pizza numbers, working out with Dave Bautista, the temperament of Keanu Reeves, and Chris and his dad, Bill, have a discussion about calamari over the phone. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Congratulations, podcast. I was just drinking water. How can a politician be so scared to drink water? Why are they so... You saw Trump do it. You saw that guy Rubio do it. You saw that other guy do it now with the big-ass neoprene bottle. I don't know what the fuck they're called.

Politicians need to learn how to fucking drink a bottle of water. You know? They're just so fucking big or clunky or like trump holding it with the two bitch-ass small hands just and then rubio just go get it dude why has it got to be a whole weird ass thing just go get the fucking bottle like a man don't be bitch about it and that's it um so all right look dude i got a lot of mucus going on today. I'm sorry. It's fine.

Look at the way Trump drink, drink the fucking bottle of water. Michael Grove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove. Drink it like that. It's just using two hands is bitch. If you're drinking a bottle of water, drink, use one hand. If you're using two hands, you're a baby and not the good kind uh yeah or you're you know what you are you're like a fucking possum uh all right trump's a possum so uh we got um uh dates coming up november 29th i'm going to be in el paso texas

dates coming up. November 29th, I'm going to be in El Paso, Texas. November 30th, I'm going to be in Houston, Texas. Peoria, Illinois, December 29th. These are the last days of the Follow the Leader Tour. December 30th, Chicago, Illinois. And December 31st, New Year's

Eve, Chicago, Illinois. A lot of those are sold out, so go get your tickets. I'm going to be in Orillia, Ontario. Two shows there in January 17th and 18th, and then Las Vegas in April 18th. I got

these... Those are the last Follow the Leader tours. I don't think that even the April one in Las Vegas is going to be a Follow the Leader tour. I've got to start writing new shit because I just shot my special. Anyway, go get tickets at ChrisDelia.com, go get tickets at ChrisDelia.com. Go get tickets at ChrisDelia.com. ChrisDelia.com, always available all the time.

So, yeah, I was in Florida. Man, I love Florida. I love how it rips. Dude, I played Tampa two nights, three shows. We did one on Wednesday. Oh, and then, hell no, we did two on Thursday. Then we went to Melbourne on Friday, Melbourne, Florida. By the way, there's a Beverly Hills, Florida,

a Melbourne, Florida, and a Hollywood, Florida. Hey, Florida, get your own identity. You know? That's so crazy that there's so many fucking already places in Florida. Already places. Have you been to israel florida have you been to fucking antarctica florida so no so uh i was in florida i did three shows in dayton one show in melbourne and one show one big one in fort lauderdale or as the or as we like to call it fort lauderdale who we likes to party um just to be really white about it fort lauderdale we we likes to party uh

yeah so we were in fort lauderdale we had a big one it was almost like 5 000 people that was awesome um anyway dude whatever they kept opening up sections for your boy. It was like a 3,000-seater, and then we were like, hey, open up the back sections. Open up more. And then we were like, hey, open up the back sections. And we opened up more because backs. And also, I'm going to double it.

I'm going to keep doubling it until they kill me. And that's a Tupac quote. So we were in Florida. Zach Doncovio was with us, tour manager extraordinaire. Laughs like that. Always late to everything. Only tour manager, always late to everything. He says, oh, don't worry, I won't be late this time.

I know you talked about me on your podcast. I'll be there 15 minutes early every time. Legitimately, The first fucking thing He was late at And then also late at all of the other things But late at the first thing Late to my house to leave for the airport Ah I didn't know this was going to be traffic

But I think it was Mike's fault My opener's fault Because he fucking Mike will do this thing where he sets the alarm If we have to leave at 7.20 he'll set his alarm at 7 15 and he'll be like already packed i'm all good this all i have to do is roll out of bed whatever dude and then he's like i didn't know i didn't take an account there's gonna be traffic of course you got to take an account there's gonna be traffic remember high school though they would be like at least in my high school they'd be like

well if you're late we got to get you ready for real life so you leave earlier you account for traffic and if you're late for high school then these jobs are just gonna fire you dude you don't get fired if you're fucking late you know everyone's like oh yeah the traffic was crazy all right it's all good no big deal being late is fucking shitty though dude it really is shitty you're saying fuck you to everybody else's time but alas we're all late every now and then but i was in this video is the one of the maybe of the year okay this papa john's interview world on w wdrb news uh timothy burke on twitter Twitter tweeted a clip of a bunch of these things. This guy Papa John's got, he was on a call, an internal call that I guess leaked, and he said the N-word a bunch of times, which is so weird.

My whole thing is even now in 2019, even if you are racist, it's so weird to not know not to do those things even if you are racist it's so weird to know like blackface halloween to just be like yeah i know i'm gonna get in trouble but fuck it or to say the n-word at a meeting knowing it's bad this guy's in his 50s maybe even 60 knows it's bad and to still be like yeah but i'm still racist got to say the n-word got to just leak it out somehow in this in this meeting i haven't said it yet today i haven't heard the phone call what that it's just incredible is it out there i wonder if you can find it i doubt it's out there well maybe it's somewhere in the dark web but anyway he got fired or you know

he stepped down or whatever the hell happened from papa john's and now there's a new guy running papa john's pizza obviously and this guy who used to run the creator creator, the owner of Papa John's, whatever, CEO of Papa John's. What's his name? I don't know what his name is. But anyway, the founder of John Shatner, Schnatter, John Schnatter. Used the N-word on a conference call in May. God, he looks like a guy that would use the n-word too you know so anyway this is a a clip a bunch of clips from the interview now that came out today wdrb wdrb news wdrb news about they had a sit down

and by the way the guy who's interviewing is black which is like so interesting because he's got just he was disgraced he said in n word anyway here we go this is some of the stuff he said i've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days first of all gonna die okay first of all gonna die that means dude that means he's had a whole pizza for a lunch or dinner one of the days out of the 30 days in the month. And then also 10 more of those days, he ate a whole pizza for another meal. A fat fuck made of dough. Just so much fucking... How's this guy not 900 pounds?

Listen to this. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. Living currently in... Mark Shapiro should be in jail. Okay. Who's that? That's the new guy? Mark Shapiro should be in jail.

Who's Mark Shapiro? We got to look that up. As you look that up, I'm going to keep going. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. How many? I'm currently in Mark Shapiro should be in jail. He has no pizza experience. He's never been in the pizza category.

Okay. So has no pizza experience. I guess he has no experience making pizza, I guess. Okay, fine. Never been in the pizza category, dude. You can tell he doesn't give interviews a lot, you know? Never been in the pizza category. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days.

It's like the fucking Super Size Me documentary. Board members Olivia Kirtley and Mark Shapiro. Okay, so Papa John's new leaders, including Steve Ritchie, who replaced him as CEO, and the board members, Olivia and Mark Shapiro, they should be in jail, dude.

Oh, because they stole the company away and now they've destroyed the company? Oh, man. I'm not away and now they've destroyed the company? Oh, man. Imagine going to jail at all in any case, any way, shape, or form over pizza. What are you in here for? Oh, I killed a few guys. What are you in here for? Ah, I fucked a few kids.

What are you in here for? Pizzle. Eating 40 pizzas in 30 days. That's what I'm in here for. Why does he sound like he fucking should be with the lights out, just the silhouette, talking in front of a curtain in a Holiday Inn?

I've had over 40 pizzas. He sounds like an informant that's trying to remain anonymous, but he's not. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. Living currently in Mark Shapiro should be in jail. He has no pizza experience. He's never been in the pizza category.

I would just say stay tuned. The day of reckoning will come. So drunk. The record will be straight. Why not set the record straight? Dude, the day of reckoning for what, dude? You said the N-word and you can't say the N-word at a business meeting. If you're that racist, just go home and let it out fucking to nobody at night.

Just get home and just be like, N-word, N-word, N-word, N-word, N-word. Okay. Nobody at night. Just get home and just be like, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward. Okay. You know, he's just sitting there eating 40 pizzas in 30 days just like fucking, fucking Mark. Fuck Mark Shapiro. That's why he sounds like that because he had 40 pizzas in 30 days, dude.

Stay tuned. The day of wrecking will come. days, dude. Stay tuned. The day of wrecking will come. Wrecking. So drunk. The record will be straight. Why not set the record straight now? I mean, what is it about the record that's not straight? Stay tuned.

I've had over 40 pizzas. What does he have up his fucking Papa John's sleeve? What does this guy know that we don't know? You know? Stay tuned next month. I ate 50 pizzas. That's what it is. That's the day of reckoning. I'm going to eat so many pizzas

that you're not even going to understand how many pizzas I ate. How about the fact, too, this is the best part, that Papa John's... Why is he still wearing the fucking outfit? Living currently, and Mark Shapiro should be in jail.

He has no pizza experience. Is that a Papa John's... He's still wearing a shirt that looks like a Papa John's shirt. Guy, wear blue. Hey. Guy, wear blue. Hey, Guy, wear gray. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. Dude. I've had over

40 pizzas in the last 30 days. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. Gonna die. Yeah. Dude, there was one that was really funny here. Over 40 pizzas. This made me laugh. This is by Timothy Burke. Same guy. He put it. This made me made me laugh. I've had over 40 pizzas. This is by Timothy Burke.

Same guy. He put it. This made me laugh so hard. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days.

I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. Dude, who has had over 40 pizzas, period? Dude, I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 17 years. Even that, even that. If you've had over 40 pizzas in 10 years, you're a fat pig. If you have had over 40 pizzas in the last 10 years, if you've had over 40 pizzas in the last 10 years, you're a pig. It's like the fucking guys on the QVC.

We have got 40 pizzas. And we don't have them in the last 10 years. We don't have the last 40 pizzas in the last 5 years. We don't have the last 40 pizzas in the last five years. We don't have, can we go lower? We don't have the last 40 pizzas in the last three and a half years. We don't have, can we go lower? Let me check. Hold on. Let me check and make sure we can go lower. We don't have 40 pizzas in the last one year. We don't have 40 pizzas in the last year. We eat 40 pizzas. We don't eat 40 pizzas in the last six months.

Can you believe that? We don't eat 40 pizzas in the last six months. Can you believe that? We don't eat 40 pizzas in the last six months. We don't eat 40 pizzas in the last four months. We don't eat over 40 pizzas in the last two months. For a limited time only right now. For a limited time only. Now. I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. For a limited time only.

40 pizzas. Over 40 pizzas. In the last 30 days. It's called now. Look at these beautiful pizzas. We've got pepperoni. We've got cheese. We've got pepperoni. We've got sausage.

We've got meat lovers. We put them all together and put meat lovers. We have got veggie pizzas. You can have onions on them. You can have onions on them. We have margarita pizzas. We have barbecue chicken pizza for some reason we have

Hawaiian pizzas even though pineapple doesn't belong on pizza and everybody knows that we have our four pizzas in 30 days also who's counting dude imagine getting to your seventh pizza and being like seven dude my favorite thread though under this was because the guy looks really shiny and

somebody right writes why is he so wet and then somebody under it under it writes he's had 40 pizzas in the last 30 days that'd make you wet I'm gonna heart that hearted it then somebody wrote there are two kinds of people one in the pizza category two criminals oh shit

oh god that's a meme for the ages, bro. Somebody wrote, it made it. Whatever. ESPN, 40 for 30, Big Papa. ESPN Films, 40 for 30. That's funny. Oh, fuck this guy.

I love out of touch people. It's so funny. Why does he sound like that? Why does he sound like that? Oh man, I wish there was audio of him saying the N word. That would be so funny and bad and weird. That's from a guy who eats 40 pizzas though, bro. I don't know.

Anyway. Oh, fuck. That makes me laugh. So I was in Florida. I actually ate a pizza in Florida. I ate one pizza in the last 30 days. I ate one pizza. I felt like trash. I actually ate fucking one pizza.

One night. A big one. And then the next night there was nothing to eat in Melbourne. And we ordered fucking Papa John's dude. I just remembered this. We ordered Papa John's. We got fucking two pizzas. And I ate my fucking cheese pizza.

And then Mike and Zach got Hawaiian pizza. And I never eat. Oh, I didn't get a cheese pizza. I got veggie pizza because I'm trying to be healthy. It's hilarious. And they got Hawaiian pizza. And that's gross, dude. Pineapple is fucking amazing, huh?

Pineapple is so good, you know? It really is just a flavor explosion in your fucking mouth. If you don't like pineapple, I get it. But if you like pineapple, I super get it. You understand what I'm saying? Put it this way. If there was ever going to be a fruit in spiked armor, it would be pineapple because that's the one that tastes jamming. You understand? That's the one that tastes like 40 pizzas in 30 days.

That's the fruit. That's the banging hot new hotness fruit, dude. that's the fruit that's the banging hot new hotness fruit dude if any fruit was going to be covered in spiked armor it would be a fruit that tastes like that if it was an apple you'd be like it's not worth it dude apples are great but they're as good as their skin you understand pineapple i used to have this joke where i was like, hey, pineapple, why are you fucking in spiked armor? What's in there? $40? Stupid joke.

Funny enough. But what's in there? $40,000? I don't remember what the fucking thing was. It was stupid. But why is it so spiky, you know? Like, what was the deal? This whole evolution of pineapple is crazy man you know what should be in a fucking armor is uh fucking pizza

that's so good pizza's so good and i can't stand how hookers keep talking about it on instagram but it is dude pizza's so banging every time you take a bite of pizza it's like this um all right dude here we go wherever you're going you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day?

How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply um yeah so that's what's up man how many times i say that's what's up in this podcast that you say that i say that's what's up, but I don't really know what's going on. I was in Florida, and when I was in Florida, I was in Tampa,

and Batista, my buddy Dave Batista, wrestling and acting and action movie star extraordinaire, invited me. Well, first of all, he came to the show, which was awesome. He came to the show, and it was funny, too, because he was like, we're in third row, man. Beforehand, he was like, you'll be able to see us out there. And I was like, ah, you know, it's a good thing.

The light's kind of blind. You can't see anybody, so don't worry about that. And then when I got on stage, it was the only theater that I could see the first four rows ever. And I'm'm doing stand-up and dave batista just stand staring right at me so weird you know in tampa florida and uh so uh but it was great to have him out there he was laughing with his friends and uh and then the next day he invited me to go to his gym which is like a gym he owns. It's like his office and gym that he built. He bought the property and then built it.

And it's so awesome, dude. He's got like boxing, punching, he has punching bags. He has mixed martial arts mat. And my opener went to go step on it with his shoes, dude. I almost put him in a fucking Osatagari right there, dude. Because I almost put him in a fucking Kimura, dude. I almost put him in a fucking rear naked choke right

there, because he almost put his fucking shoes on Dave Bautista's martial arts mat. Anyway, was over there training at his gym. It's really cool that he has that gym dude i want to have that uh i want to have a gym so that's my goal now is uh having a a gym but like an actual full gym not like a makeshift gym or like a

half gym the guy has everything he's got i, I mean, he has the fucking squat rack. You got shit all to do the deadlift. You got the deadlift plates. I mean, he's got all of this shit. He's got the chains that, for some reason, people work out with. They have chains, you know, like your Hercules. That's a weird one to just have the chains

when guys are like, I work out so hard that I got to have chains around my neck. You know? I get the chains weigh something, but it's like, just use an extra plate, you know? How strong you got to be that also you got to have chains on you. The Rock does it, so it's got to be good. The Rock does it, so it's got to be good. But it was cool that he invited me and Mike, my opener, over to work out. He's got his own art around, and his weights have his silhouette on with a fucking sword,

because of course it does, you know? And he's got it all hooked up dude the system blaring my buddy put his man mike put his fucking iphone on and it's like would put you i put on some music and he put on some music it was like fucking two good songs before hosier started hoosier started playing or whatever it's like dude we're working out i'm not trying to fall in love. Anyway. And then, Dave, but this is how nice Dave Bautista is. He was like, he was like, hey, man, I ordered you a Poke Bowl after you're done working out. I'm like, all right, this guy's the nicest?

Nicest fuck, dude. He wrote me a nice message after my show and I aspire to be as friendly and nice as he because he like have you seen these videos like Keanu Reeves did you see the one of Keanu Reeves got on the bus

where the flight was when was that the flight was. When was that? The flight was like delayed. It was this year, right? And let me just pull this up. Keanu Reeves airport. Airport van.

Here we go. Keanu Reeves and co-passengers road trip back to LA. Oh, because he was in Barstow and they couldn't fly back or something. Oh, Bakersfield. Yeah. So I got on a plane with Keanu Reeves. He was very pleasant, took photos, talked about latest project with two very enthusiastic. Our plane with Keanu was diverted to Bakersfield. Hold on an announcement. diverted to Bakerfields. Hold on, an announcement. Canada was cool so far. They just announced maybe talking,

maybe taking the bus. The airport here in Bakersfield was closed. There were no employees, but they did open a blimpy for... The counter got up. Also, airline employees are en route to airport. Counter has a question. en route to airport. Counter has a question.

Anyway, they got him a bus. So they took a bus. He might be riding a bus with Keanu. He chose to stay and wait. Hang in Bakersfield or get on a bus with Keanu. He's got the speed thing. Okay, so Keanu gets on the bus. Now this guy, this is...

Two hour drive back to LA and Keanu's just sitting there. And people are just filming him. In the bus. Like, could be so awkward. And this guy Keanu is just loving... Look, Keanu Reeves walking into Carl's Jr. And he just like... Can you put it... There you go.

Then there were only five. Goodbyes are always sad but counters kept it together finally arrived man I just Keanu Reeves' attitude is so good dude I mean it's just I want to be that

positive and I just I think that all the time and then something happens. And it's all out the window. Dude, I want to be positive. I told you about the story in the podcast when I went to the John Wick 2 premiere. And I was like sitting there and I fucking got to see Keanu Reeves. Finally, I've been a big Keanu Reeves fan for a long time.

And everyone is loving Keanu Reeves now. And I'm like the guy, the annoying guy in high school that's like, yeah, but I knew the band before they started. Dude, I've been through it with Keanu. I loved Keanu ever since Bill and Ted as a kid. I loved Keanu. Never did I dip. Always people were like, oh, he's not a good actor. Bro, fuck y'all.

Okay? And I don't mean to say y'all. He is a good actor. And he's also the last movie star straight up but but uh so i was at the john wick 2 premiere and then i think i told you this story but i was so excited to see kenry was going to get up and talk in front of everybody so he does and he's like thank you very much and as he's leaving somebody behind me goes hey keanu and does a fucking line from point break and i'm like this motherfucker is going to make this moment about him i'm so pissed goes hey Keanu and does a fucking line from Point Break

and I'm like this motherfucker is going to make this moment about him I'm so pissed off at this guy making this moment about Keanu Reeves making this moment about him when it should be about Keanu Reeves and everyone gets to share this experience but this guy's calling out heckling Keanu Reeves this motherfucker I'm so angry and then I look back at Keanu Reeves Keanu Reeves is smiling and did the other

line from the movie and I was like oh that's the difference between a nice guy and me, the asshole. Keanu Reeves taught me about life and he doesn't even know it, dude. The positivity that this guy has. Just so grateful. And I want to be like that. Every grateful. And I want to be like that. Every day I think I want to be like that. And then every day something happens.

And we get back to, well, go fuck yourself. At least I have that though. I mean, I'm not even 40. I'm the youngest guy you ever fucking met. But at least I still that though. I mean, I'm not even 40. I'm the youngest guy you ever fucking met, but at least I still, I have some life experience. At least, at least I still am hanging on to that. I want to be positive.

It all starts with there. I'm at the bottom step. I'm at the bottom rung of it. You know what I'm talking about? I'm at the bottom rung of it, and at least I'm at the bottom rung of it. At least I'm not underground. You know, because some guys are like, nah, fuck being positive. The world's negative. I'm at the bottom wrong of it at least I'm not underground you know because some guys are like nah fuck being positive the world's negative I'm a negative guy fuck it you

can't beat him join him I'm a troll right I'm not I won't be that I won't be that I want to be positive but as soon as I step out to a fucking thing and then somebody's like hey bro nah that's it dude you want to talk i'm not keanu anymore i'm keanu in my head as soon as you want to talk that's it dude back to crystalia don't fuck this up for me dude i'm trying to live that keanu lifestyle i'm trying to live that keanu lifestyle and you're trying to fuck this up for me, dude. I'm trying to live that Keanu lifestyle. I'm trying to live that Keanu lifestyle, and you're trying to fuck it up for me? By talking? You know what I mean?

By saying, hey, what are you from? Hey, dude, loved you in Workaholics. All right, cool. That's it. I'm out. I'm out. Back to Crystalia, baby. back to Chris D'Elia baby we can we all be as positive

as Keanu Reeves in a fucking van from Bakersfield to LA imagine how fucking mad I'd be dude imagine how fucking mad my blood when we first of all this is how it goes we're diverting

to uh bakersfield actually this is me uh what we're diverting to bakersfield we can't get to the why hey hello hey why well we can't oh well you you're going to have to, otherwise, I get up, and I get mad, well, we're just going to, okay, so we land, cool, hey, there's no plane or employees, I bring the thing with me, I bring the button with me, I'm out of the plane, I bring the button with me, and I put it up to where I'm sitting I put it above me and I go and I say where's the flight attendant I should still be on the plane so I should still have a flight attendant

we landed early bring me a fucking flight attendant yes where's the new plane there isn't one oh yeah congratulations I live in Barstow now fuck it

I'm where I should be because that's when we land where we should so I won't accept that we're in in Bakersfield Barstow

where the fuck it's the same thing I won't accept I'm in Bakersfield wherever I am this is home because that's where I thought I was going

you take me home this is home buy me a couch. Buy me walls. Buy me heat. Buy me food. Set me the fuck up. I live here now.

That's my attitude. And if I was on that plane with Kano, Kano would be like, well, you know, maybe let's just go take a bus. Hey, man. I don't think you're listening to me, dude. I live here. This is my home. And Keanu's just like, let's take a bus. The only way I'd get on that bus is if I was with Keanu.

And then imagine somebody looking at, hey, man, speed all over again, huh? How mad I would be if I was Keanu. Don't bring up my fucking movies in real. Can we just chill? Don't record me, dude. But this guy's just loving it, bro. Constantly. Sure, film.

Sure, let's take a bus. Diverting? No prob. There's no employees? All you got to eat is blimpies this guy's just loving it this guy ate blimpies and carl's and stopped to get carl's jr un-fucking-real uh so that's amazing let's do more ads. So anyway, babies,

that's what's up. That's what I say after all the ads. This guy keeps asking me. Hold on one second. I'm respectful. Yes. What? Alright. People ask me a bunch of stuff. And? All right. People ask me a bunch of stuff.

And I get pissed. You see that person that got a tattoo of... Did you see this? All right, I got to send it to you. You don't have Instagram. Guy got a tattoo. I'll send it to you. Guy got a tattoo of me.

Like straight up hardcore. Really good artwork. I don't know who got it, but Mike Purdy Tattoo on Instagram posted it. He got a tattoo of my face. It's like really well done.

So weird. It's so weird to get a really lifelike portrait of someone's face on your body. You already have a face. To have another face on your body. You already have a face. To have another face on your body is crazy to me. My buddy Dean Del Rey has a fucking rocker on his side, and somebody was in an argument with him once about the guy, and he was like, yeah, this and that about the singer.

He was like, no, it's not. He was like, no, that singer did do that. And he was like, no, he didn't. He was like, well, you think you know more about the singer than i do and he goes yeah look and he pulled up the side of his shirt had a fucking the guy's face on the side of his body dude i laughed like hell 40 pizzas in 30 days i'm gonna get 40 pizzas on my tattooed on my body. Like Tupac, how he had the fucking 50 N word on his...

I'm going to get 40 pictures right there in the middle of my chest. Thick life tattooed on my belly. Thick life tattooed on my belly. Anyway. Come see me in Houston and come see me in all the other... Why can't this...

And see me in El Paso. Dude, I was thinking about this. When I was a kid, I was terrified of the dentist like a basic kid, like just terrified of the dentist, which is stupid. And I started thinking about kid stories because I told the Freddy Krueger story again on my podcast about shitting my pants on my friend's sleepover, shitting my pants. And so I was thinking about the time my dad brought me to the dentist. And I don't know why my dad did it. I think my dad did it because my mom was like, Chris is so scared about going to the dentist. I don't want to deal with this shit.

So my dad stayed home from work and brought me to the dentist. And I remember when he brought me, I was like, Dad, I'm so scared. I don't want the dentist to do what he does And put his fucking tools in my mouth And he was like you're going to be fine It'll be okay don't worry about it You'll be fine Got to the dentist's office And the dentist was like a really nice guy

My dad was friends with him and shit I think But I don't think he was like friends first And then became the dentist I think like he was like friends Because he was like a fun dentist Anyway So I got there and the guy was trying to be so the dentist was trying to be so good and like showing me toys and like you get a prize if you do this and and i was just

scared out of my mind and i was crying i think to be brutally honest with you guys and i was like i don't know about uh i don't know about this i don't know i don't know and he was like trying to get in my mouth and it sounds really gross and so and i couldn't do it and i just couldn't bring myself to do it and i got up and i walked to another chair and i sat down and minutes went by i mean a lot of minutes went by my dad was like i gotta get to work buddy i i can't do this so let's leave we'll do it again another time and i was like okay and and we left and i didn't do it and driving home i was like he was like i know you're scared but it's really okay like it's not a big deal i promise you and something like clicked in my brain and i was like okay is there still time to do it if i go do it now and he's like i guess so sure yeah yeah if you go do it now we could do it and i said okay i can do it he said okay but if we go back

then you got to do it for real and i was like no i can do it okay i'll really do it and i went back i walked right into that doctor's the dentist's's office, and he cleaned my teeth. And I remember as a kid feeling so good about the fact that I had overcome my fear, granted, ridiculous fear, but still, I was scared. And it made me think about how fear is just, you know, especially if you're scared of something where nothing's really going to happen, like a dentist or talking in front of people. Some people are scared of that. So we've got a scared of, you know,

playing the big game or whatever the fuck it is, or, or, or running for office, whatever the fuck it is, you know, like it's all, that kind of fear is all made up like fear,

you know, being in the middle of a jungle and not having food obviously is really scary or something like that, or being near or going skydiving or whatever the fuck. But fear where nothing is really going to happen, nothing is really on the line. It's all made up, dude. You just made it up. You're scared of not a thing.

Being scared going to the dentist isn't really a fear you know and if you're six years old that's fine and you can't explain that to a six-year-old now that i'm a fucking in my 30s i'm so young still but like you can just do the things i remember when the first time i ever did stand up i was scared and i was thinking like's weird. It's just going up in front of people and talking to them. And I remember taking my cell. I was like, if I just moved my legs, if I just take a step toward the stage, one at a time, I remember breaking this down and thinking like, move my right leg, move my left leg, move my right leg, move my left leg. Just keep doing that. That's walking. Once I get on stage, I'll then I'll be on stage and that's, and then I just have to start talking and that'll be doing standup, you know?

And I remember just breaking it down. Like as a, as a kid too, if I just do it, if I go walk over and get to that dentist chair, I'll be in the dentist chair and then there's nothing I can do. I'm already halfway done. I'm already done basically. If I decide, if you decide to do something, that's all you're done. If you decide to do it, you're done. If you fully decide to do something, you already did it because it's going to happen. Do you understand? Take working out. You're fat or you want to lose weight or you're not in shape. You say, you know what? I want to go work out today, but I don't want to go work out today,

but I've already decided I'm going to do it. So you know that it's done because you're going to do it. You create the fucking shit. You create your day. You create your destiny, right? I hate when people say shit like that, but it's, you know, you don't create all of your destiny, but you create those destiny right i hate when people say shit like that but it's you know you don't create all of your destiny but you create those fucking things it's done i already got my teeth

cleaned it's done when is it tomorrow well it didn't happen yet yeah it did because i decided for that shit to happen my sunglasses are on right now no it's not no they're not i'm looking at you yeah but i already decided that they're going to go on. So that means they're as good as on. My future's too bright. I'm telling you, dude, once you get that mentality, man, and I'm no life coach, but I'm a fucking life coach, dude. Once you get that mentality of it's done, of I decided that this is going to happen it is done so whoever needs to hear this whoever's listening to this shit whether you're in your cubicle you're driving to work

you're at the beach you're listening to this shit at the gym it's done if you decide it nah but i want to go home now okay then that's what you decided. Then that's done. Yeah, but I should do one more set. Then you already decided. It's done. You know? That's how I get shit done. I decide to do it. It's really as easy as that, dude.

It really is. You didn't decide to do it if you didn't fucking do it. It's about the decision. Anyway that's annoying that i said all that but it's kind of true my dad would always say you know people would say how did you know you wanted to be a director he's a director you know and he would say well you decide you're a director and you'd be like what it's not that easy and he said yeah but he would always say this he was like Popeye doesn't walk around saying I'm gonna be Popeye he's fucking Popeye and I was like yeah even though that sounds so dumb it's so so true. I love simple shit like that.

Popeye's Popeye, dude. By the way, he's on me for the calamari story I told you last week. He was like, I know you don't have guests on your podcast, but I want to fucking call in. Maybe I should call him right now. I wonder if he'll pick up. Let me see if he'll pick up. Bill D'Elia. Let's do it here.

Let me make sure that even he's not doing anything. I'm calling my dad. What are you doing? Yo, you want to... I'm on my podcast. You want to talk about your calamari thing? Here, I'll put you on speaker.

Go ahead. State your fucking claim. Okay, so my claim is that you can't slam a guy for the way he eats calamari, first of all. You're wrong. You're wrong. Go ahead. No, you can't. You can't. You're just incorrect. Okay. Your claim is that somebody eats calamari should know how they like to eat calamari, should know that they like to eat it with the sauce, without the sauce. And that's bullshit.

No, but... Because you can like to eat calamari with sauce and without sauce. Yeah, I know. But each calamari you eat, you should know how much sauce you want it for that calamari. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's where you're wrong. No, you're... Because each one you eat, if you like it with sauce or without sauce, you should be able to decide, okay, whether it has sauce or not, I like them both.

That's crazy, dude. No, it's not crazy. You're crazy by thinking there has to be a consistency in the way you eat something. But it – Who the fuck raised you? If you have – listen. If you have – okay. So here's what happened.

You had the fucking calamari. You had two calamaris on the thing. You poked one good, good through. And then you poked another one and it was dangling off okay and i and i knew it was going to fall off in the sauce and you fucking it fell off in the sauce and then you ate the one with half the sauce on it and then you just dipped your fork and got the other one put it in the in your mouth and you like both of those the same amount of ways yes no you're lying yes no i'm not okay so then you don't care you don't allow for the for the fact that someone could like both versions of that you don't allow that okay

okay so if you were going to order calamari all right if you were going to order calamari. All right. So, okay. Okay. Okay. So, if you were going to order calamari and they said, okay, but just so you know, we ran out of sauce. You'd still get the calamari.

Yes. Okay. What if they said, okay, just so you know. Just so you know. Yeah. We got the calamari, but we dropped them all in the sauce. And we just basically have a plate of calamari, but it's all got sauce all over it. You'd say yes to that too.

No, I would not say yes. There you go. So you like one way better. No, no, because I like to eat some with the sauce and some without the sauce. And I don't enjoy it as much if it was all in sauce. Okay, so you're saying that because you dropped it in the sauce, it doesn't matter that much, but you still like it that way. Right. And, yeah, see, that's the kind of thing where I just – it's like if a guy like that, you can trust less than a guy who knows how he likes his calamari.

That's what I'm saying. So you're saying that because I eat calamari that way, you like me less. No, I don't like you less, but it's like you're the guy in the movie that like double crosses someone. But you know I'm not that guy. No, you aren't that guy. But if you were in a book, if your character was in a book and like they were like and he was eating calamari and one dropped off in the sauce and he still ate it just like he ate the one without the sauce you and then that guy went on page like 600 700 and he like fucking took the the the the hero of the of the story for a ride and was like a dick about it you'd be like oh okay okay i get it the foreshadowing was the

fucking calamari eating okay bottom, bottom line, bottom line. Yeah. I accept your apology. There's no fucking apology, dude. You're the guy, I told you this, but you're the guy who gets the fucking truck with the flatbed and then gets the top over it because he doesn't know how he wants his fucking truck. I'll kiss you wherever the fuck I want to kiss you on your face. Yeah, I get that. All right.

You're my son, and I love you, and that's where I kiss you on the face every fucking time. It's in my eye. Whether you like it or not. It's in my eye, but whatever. It's too high. Mom knows. It's not in your eye. It's not in your eye.

You make it be about your eye, but it's on your cheek. Whatever, man. You know where you want to kiss fucking, and that's the eye. You should know how to have your calamari. All right. You'll hear from my attorney in the morning. All right. I'll talk to you later.

Love you, bud. Love you. That's the wrong number. All right, you guys. There you have it. He wanted to call in and state his claim, and that's what's up with the calamari shit. And that's it, dude. We're done.

We'll end on that. Text me, 818-239-7087. You can text me, and I try to respond to as many people as I can. I mean, I get so many texts, but hit me up. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Subscribe, rate, and review the show on iTunes. That really helps. Thank you very much. Come see me in

El Paso and Houston and Chicago and Peoria. You is coming out in December. My new special is coming out next year. We've got a lot of stuff going on. Army of the Dead is coming out next year too. Thanks for

listening and you guys are great. See you.