Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 149. Still Squirtin'

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

On today's show, Chris revisits the Cats trailer and everything wrong with it, The Irishman, DJ Premier, Bun B, the Mai Tai/Iced Americano/Turkey Sausage Life, Joe Biden, and Scooter Braun. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions episode 149 of congratulations we have one episode left until episode 150. And you know what that means. Fucking nothing, dude. We do what we want here. We don't give a shit. We do what the fuck we want.

Maybe 150 is going to be good. Maybe it's not going to be good. Maybe it fucking... Look, here's what I want to actually say before I even get into what the fuck's going on. I do this shit for me okay it's for me i saw sometimes i see his podcast is funnier than a stand-up and his stand-up is funnier than this podcast i block those people i don't give a shit i'm not doing it for you okay and because of that let me nah let me even go even one percent i'm not doing it for you you know how much i'm

doing it for you zilch okay you know what that means because i'm doing it for me hon it do you know what it means because i'm doing it for me hon it do you know what that means that i'm not doing it 1% for you, that it's for you. That's what that means. The fact that I'm relaxed, I'm relaxed. Like picture me just like chilling on a fucking lounge chair. I have a Mai Tai. I don't even drink, but I have a Mai Tai and have a little bit of fucking turkey sausage and I'm just eating it off a plate. And it's fucking beautiful. It's beautiful out. It's like 75 degrees, 80 degrees.

And I'm in a bathing suit and it's high because that's what's in fashion. And I'm just eating sausage and drinking a fucking Americano. But I have a Mai Tai just in case I want to start drinking today. Do you understand me? Okay. And I'm just chilling, dude. That's the me you're going to get. I'm just chilling dude that's the that's the me that's the me you're gonna get i'm relaxed dude and i'm doing me you know fucking that luke bryant guy who's just like i'm doing my thing he made a song called doing my thing regular he did that that's my fucking

theme song now have i heard the song once no have i probably heard it once in a fucking macy's commercial yeah sometime you know but dude i'm relaxed and the best me is relaxed baby and if you tell me if you rank my shit online you get blocked dude whether you follow me or not dude you could say hey your status better in your pockets your pockets better than your stand up i go like this check profile block because why the fuck do i want you ranking me why do i want you ranking my shit no that's it i created this channel to do what i want do you know why i'm a fucking baby dude i'm a baby a fucking baby and babies do what they want you got to get to that fucking point in your life dude i understand everyone's got jobs i understand that fucking yeah sure you know sometimes your mom gets cancer whatever the fuck

i get it but you got to still get to the point where you kind of feel like you're doing what you want dude it's the's the Matrix, man. It's Neo when he stops all the bullets and he's like, and he just looks at him and cocks his head and the bullets fall down, dude. You got to get to the point where you feel like you're on a fucking lounge chair, chilling with a Mai Tai, an Ice Americano, and then also some turkey sausage. If that's what you care about. It's all about feeling, man. You know? Like, you could be in prison, dude.

You could be in prison for fucking eight years and you're on year one, dude. Guess what you still have? You can still think of titties. God can't stop you from squirting. It's all how you feel. Life can rip in fucking eight by eight.

Life can rip all clinked up because the guards can't stop you from squirting. Guard, I'm squirting. Ah, God damn it. They don't go, freeze. They don't do that. They say, off to the hole. Fine, put me in the hole.

Still squirting how are you gonna stop me from thinking of titties dude straight up man how you gonna do it it's like this it's like this song this is the song i think of when i fucking think about how you can't this is the song dude I think of when I fucking think about how you can't. This is the song, dude. When I fucking, when this song came out, bro. I can't play a lot of it. La, la, la, la, wait till I get my money right.

You can't stop me from thinking about titties. Ho-da-lo-da-lo. Hip-da-da-lo. You-do-do-woo-da-loo-da-loo, low, low. Yep. Oh, low. You do do. Oh, yeah. You can't tell me nothing. God.

Yeah. God. God. God. God. Can't stop me from squirting. Yo, low,

low. You doodly. Oh, Lou. Woodley. Woodley. Oh, dude.

Squirting. Dude. Fucking guards dude come get me guards fuck yeah i love that shit i don't you know what and i'm already sweating so here's the deal man it's been fucking six minutes and 42 seconds and i'm squat i'm sweating i'm squirting out the fucking underarms man how about how my opener goes on stage with fucking uh he goes on stage open for me and sometimes he wears gray shirts bro you can't do that if you're shaped like a fucking uh uh pair that hasn't come off the tree yet you know i'm talking about dude you're gonna get fucking dark circles under your fucking armpits and under your titties. Now, am I talking about titties too much in this episode?

Yes. Does it matter? No, dude, because I'm in a fucking lounge chair chilling with a Mai Tai if I want it and a nice Americano and turkey sausage. Worst diet ever. Bro, worst diet of all time. Just shitting constant either constipated or shitting so hard dude one time i knew a fucking girl and she ate so many prunes and then she was on the beach in the bahamas and she got off of her lounge chair and she didn't even realize that she shit all over

it you understand that that's the fucking place i'm trying to be You understand that that's the fucking place I'm trying to be? La, la, la, la. Ain't too many prunes and no shit all over the lounge chair. Doodle, doodle, oh. Yep, doodle. Woodley, odley, oh, oh, oh. You can't tell my ass nothing.

Dude. Fuck it. That's really what's up, dude. That's really what's up. that's really what's up anyway dude anyway i got i got off i you know it was like i i haven't been i was i was on the road so now i'm just fucking chilling and so i got off to a hot you know we got off hot and it's fine and the frequently visited visited fucking sites on my on my fucking desktop on my on my safari or youtube my own website sigatistical the twitter help center for some fucking reason and pornhub even though i haven't fucking watched pornhub in so long did i swear to god pornhub makes themselves go on the thing i may watch fucking two porns this year. Anyway,

so what was I going to do? Oh, look up the shits. I'm really with the shits today, dude. I'm really with the shits, man. Tour. Peoria, I'm coming for some reason. Chicago, Illinois, come spend New Year's Eve with me, dude. It'll be fun, man. I do, you know, I Illinois. Come spend New Year's Eve with me, dude. It'll be fun, man.

I do, you know, I have two shows on New Year's Eve and one before that or something like that. I can't remember. I have fucking three shows, I think, in Chicago, Illinois. You know why, dude. Whatever. They fucking love your boy in Chicago. What's that fucking? I got to take this. Bro, I'm so fucking hot, man.

I know I turn the fan on, but still, it's fucking hot. I got the air on. I got the fan on. I got the fan on. That's it, dude. He's got a fucking gold shirt underneath. He's got a gold shirt underneath. Dude, people look at me.

They go, are there actually gold flakes on it? Nah, it's just a fucking fabric. But I'll tell you, dude. What was I saying? Peoria, chicago illinois but they fucking fuck what it's whatever dude but what i what was i what i was trying to say is um about the uh i have a lot of gray in my beard man and it's not going away it keeps coming i looked at will sasser the other day he doesn doesn't even have that much. He's like fucking seven years older than me. He doesn't have as much gray as I do. And Brian Callen, of course, fucking makes it.

You know, he puts that shit in it that you see the guys you see in CVS or ShopRite, wherever the hell you are. And you see the guys on those fucking bitch-ass dudes that model for the Just For Men, and they're just like this. I want to model for just for men, dude. And, but still have a little bit of gray in my beard and be on the fucking cover. Cause everybody's so goddamn handsome on that shit. And me,

and then, and then you walk by and then me and you see me on the last one like this. And you're like, but he's still gray a little bit and what is that face he's making and then you just fucking and then you and then you're just like and then you're just like oh i think i get what's going on he making his face ugly because he wanna load a load low he looks and he also looks like Mr. Burns a little bit. Anyway, dude. Yeah, so I was like fucking watching old clips of me because I'm very fucking egotistical

and I was watching old clips of me and I saw how I had fucking just a straight up magician's coif and like super like fine hair, like a peach fuzz but a little bit but but like burnt peach fuzz on my fucking face and it looked really good and i was even younger than i am now if you can believe that even though i'm the youngest guy you've already fucking you've ever seen all right and i was like jesus christ man i look better now okay i look better now unless it's the morning in the morning i look fucking bad and gray okay but bro i was looking at the clips and i was like fucking what happened to that boy what happened to that boy what happened

to that boy that's what I was thinking, dude. Do you believe that? For the life of me, I could not understand why anybody would ever listen to this podcast. But it's not NPR. So, yo, I was thinking about also being like a chick. If you were a chick, like I just wiped my nose with my fucking shirt like that. And I know I'm not even 40, but your boy's got some miles on him. But, like, a girl can't do that.

I did Whitney Cummings' podcast. She couldn't fucking wipe her nose with her shirt. People would, like, make a gif of it. Bro, me, your boy, make a gif of it. What the fuck? Anyway, I'm going to Peoria. I'm going to Chicago, Illinois. I was in Houston.

Dude, your boy had a day, man. I think I'm a rapper, dude. Like, straight up. I was walking through the airport in Houston. I had just landed and I heard, Hey Chris. And I looked around and dude, it's fucking a legend DJ premiere. Oh bro. You know me. I've been knowing you since high school. Now, granted we text and we fucking Instagram, but bro, he's like, yo Chris. And I look, he goes premiere and i was like i know and i was like oh man it's so fucking nice to meet you dude i fucking love you man i love your shit i've been a fan for so long and he was like oh man you know telling me

all the shit telling me what the hell he's been working on telling me what he's got for you coming bro the shit he's got coming i can can't. He goes like this. Shh. If it gets leaked, I know it's you. Dude, I'm in the hip-hop game now. I know secrets. I know hip-hop secrets. I would never tell them. Okay?

I'm Premier's boy. Do you understand me? He trusts me. So when you're asking yourself, when you see old clips and you say, what happened to that boy? You look at me now, you say, oh, that's what happened to that boy.

He's very trustworthy. So I fucking, he told me what's going on and we talked about it a little bit and he made a video, put it on his Instagram. I fucking reposted it and then he reposted mine. Bro, it kept going. It was like inception. I was like, how many instagram i fucking repost it and then he reposted mine bro it kept going it

was like inception i was like how many times do we repost the thing got so small on the story repost you know people keep reposting they keep reposting keep reposting those like those russian dolls hey russians those aren't good anymore okay you know those fucking russian dolls that keep coming out of each other those were cool in the 1600s. It's 2019. I get that it's a fucking fixture. Lose it. You know what those are?

Firewood. You know why? There's iPads. Russian dolls, dude. Anyway. So anyway, I fucking, I met DJ Premier it was so cool he was leaving Houston and I forgot he was from Houston because I think of him as a New York guy

but bro he's from H-Town and then fucking Bun B texted me told me yeah I'm coming to your show and I was like hell yeah got him tickets you know and then Bun B got there and he was like, I'm here, bro. And then I was like, come on back, came back, and fucking we chilled for a little bit.

So my point is, I hung out with DJ Premier and also Bun B in one day. I'm a rapper. They probably should put me in one of those fucking miniseries documentaries that Netflix do. Be like, yeah, well, you know, when I was in Houston one day, I hung out with Premiere and also Bambi, and that's just like how the hip-hop game was back in 2019.

Wow, imagine if it cut to me on that and I said that, and then they'd be like, is that the fucking guy from that show? Anyway, dude, it's, you know I'm fucking Bun B and DJ premiere to my favorites and and that's what's up oh I also added another show in a really Ontario wherever the fuck that is even though it's a made-up place

for sure that would be a place in like like they were referred to in Narnia, in the movie Narnia movies. And they'd be like, it's because we're all trying to get to Aurelia. And they'd be like, don't speak of that place. And then at the end you go there and you realize it wasn't what you thought it was the whole time. But it's beautiful. Anyway. Oh shit, I'm playing Irvine? I didn't even know that. But it's beautiful. Anyway. Oh, shit.

I'm playing Irvine? I didn't even know that. And the Pasadena Ice House? Jesus Christ. What happened to that boy? Anyway, I watched The Irishman. And people were talking about how fantastic it is. And yeah, I mean, Scorsese really can make a fucking movie, huh? That's what you realize when you watch that movie. You'll be like, mean, Scorsese really can make a fucking movie, huh?

That's what you realize when you watch that movie. You'll be like, oh, Scorsese can really make a fucking movie, huh? This guy just killed it. Like the fucking sequences and shit. The sequences and the scenes. The scenes just standing alone. Some of these scenes. Just when like Al Pacino and Robert De Niro are talking.

And you're like, god damn. When Al Pacino's just like, oh, yeah. Oh, oh, yeah. And De Niro is just like, you know? He's like, oh, but oh, oh. That's the fucking scenes. And then Pesci is just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. De Niro just, oh, yeah. That's the scene in The Irishman. That's's the scene in the Irishman

that's my favorite scene in the Irishman but dude the fucking shit is so and then the other guy the British dude that's in it that plays the fucking the other guy the guy from what's that fucking house of cards but in the 1400s the HBO show

Matt says it's his favorite show ever boardwalk empire house of cards in the 1400s whatever the fuck that show is that's what i call that show and um and he's just like and i'm like this guy's british how's he gonna pull off a fucking mobster and he just comes and he's like you just don't understand and i'm like god damn it british guys british actors could fucking play a white british guy could play an asian and just be asian and and you'd be like no i don't want makeup what would i need makeup i've got acting i've got acting in me corner what i need makeup i've got acting in me corner and they'd be like well okay and he would come on the set and he would just be like, And they'd be like, Jesus Christ.

And they'd be like, cut. And they'd be like, oh, wow, that was a good one. I feel like I can go another take or something like that. Okay, let's get touch-ups. What would I need a touch-up of? Got acting in me corner. And action. Cut.

Oh, it's craft service. I need some almonds. I need some almonds and some peanut butter. Anyway, I watched the fucking Irishman. And, you know. The way it starts is, ehorsese all right it's like you know when we started like one of those fucking things you know you remember good fellas when he was just like as far back as i can remember i always wanted to be a gangster

you know and whatever the fuck it was. And then in this one, it's just like, hey, you know, when we first started. That's how I fucking did it. De Niro. And then, but yeah, I watched it. And bro, my buddy Sebastian is in it. Okay? Sebastian Maniscalco. Bro, I knew he is in it, okay? Sebastian Maniscalco. Bro, I knew he was in it, okay?

But when you see him in it, you're like, oh, dude, my friend's in a fucking Martin Scorsese movie. And he's fucking, dude, got sunglasses and he's just walking around. Dude, and he's acting with De Niro. Oh, man, dude. It's like a trip. He's acting with de niro oh man dude it's like a trip he's acting with al pacino and he's doing his sebastian shit al pacino's like fucking oh yeah oh yeah and sebastian's like what it's fucking awesome dude anyway i was, I was watching The Irishman.

And I was thinking about how Anna Paquin was in it. And I was like, man, she's kind of killing it. In my head, I was like, man, she's killing it. And she doesn't even really have lines, you know? And I was like, that just goes to show you. Is you don't need lines to be a good actor. You know what I'm talking about? You don't need lines to be a good actor.

You know what I'm talking about? And I was looking at Twitter. I think it's this, dude. Yeah, good, okay. I was looking at Twitter and people were like upset that Anna Paquin. Dude, this shit kills me. The people that said Anna Paquin only had seven lines in The Irishman. And people were like, oh, it's sexist. And it's like so hilarious, first of all, because just make the fucking movie you want.

You're Martin fucking Scorsese. What do you think Martin Scorsese is going to make a movie about? He's going to make a movie about some fucking old gangsters. That's what he's going to make a movie about. Okay? So people are like, oh, Anna Paquin was in it, and she only had seven lines. First of all, she auditioned for the part,

You Don't Get Hollywood. Okay? See ya. G-gunk. Yeah. G-gunk. All right? Hollywood okay see ya gunk all right now also the movie is literally about one of the main parts of the movie is about a dad and a daughter that don't have a good relationship and don't speak to each other so how the fuck are you going to give her more lines when that's what the movie's about people are so fucking i wrote people mad that anna paquin only had seven lines in the irishman the movie's about how deniro wasn't a good dad and didn't talk with his daughter also

anna paquin still killed it and i was thinking about how anna paquin was killing it her performance was true acting just not with the lines dude and you know that's hard to do too it's so late like there's not enough fucking everything they reboot is with women anyway dude right now it's like ghostbusters and shit and then they made charlie's angels which is all you know, fucking women. And it fucking bombed. I can tell when a movie's going to bomb, dude. I can't wait till that Cats movie comes out, bro. I can't wait till that Cats movie comes out.

That fucking casting of the Cats movie is the most atrocious casting of all time dude it's hilarious and by the way good fucking actors in that movie just the way it's cast and how put together it is bro it's such a jason derulo's in it imagine he's in it and he's just like that fucking song wiggle wiggle with it and he just goes meow wiggle wiggle wig it fucking oh here the girl comes with that big fat cat butt. Boo, boo, boo, boo, meow. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, purr. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

Dude, fucking Jason Derulo. How much? I don't know if this is true or not, but Jason Derulo's whole life is a Sprite commercial. I don't give a fuck, dude. I can just imagine him just going like, ah, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. The fact that Jason Derulo isn't in a Sprite, you know what? He's in a Sprite commercial. I don't give a fuck.

He's got to be in a Sprite commercial. If he's not in a Sprite commercial, he's in a Sprite commercial. I've never seen someone who would more be in a fucking Sprite commercial than Jason Derulo. Like, not in the Coke commercial, you know? But like, well, okay. They want me to do Sprite? Sure. Wulo. Like, not in the Coke commercial, you know? But like, well, okay. They want me to do Sprite? Sure. Wiggle, wiggle with it. Bro, how you gonna make a song about

a big, fat butt? Beatles. Beatles rolling over in the group. Beatles songs fucking suck too, though, you know? Beatles songs fucking, they're just like, We all live in a yellow submarine. All right, dude. Ah, fucking people love the Beatles, bro.

And they're just like, Lucy in the sky with diamonds. And people are like, Oh, but it's about LSD. Oh, really? Oh, yeah? Okay. John Lennon is the shit though that Imagine song

I mean it's disrespectful but John Lennon is the shit I remember when I was a kid I saw a fucking movie called Backbeat about the Beatles with my parents and Ringo was only in like two scenes and after the fucking movie I said to my dad I said hey imagine you were an actor and you got the part of Ringo and only in like two scenes. And after the fucking movie, I said to my dad, I said, hey, imagine you were in, you, you, you were an actor and you got the part of Ringo. And you're like, hey, guys, I'm going to be in a movie about the Beatles.

And I play Ringo. People will be like so fucking like excited. And then you're only in two scenes. And then my dad laughed. And it made me feel so fucking good. And because I love to make my parents laugh all the time. And that's probably why I'm a comedian. So, here we go.

Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies. Celebrate good times. Wiggle, wiggle with it. Jason Derulo's in Cats, bro. You understand what I'm saying? Let's look up this shit.

Cats the movie. First of all, don't make Cats the movie, and let me tell you why. Because Cats the musical fucking sucks. That's why. Oh, really? Fucking Perigal hats? What is the fucking thing?

Perigal hats? What the fuck do they say? Jellicle? Jellicle cats? Oh, yeah? See ya. Oh, really? Jellicle cats?

See ya. Oh, are you on fucking Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds when you wrote this? See ya. Dude, Jellicle cats see ya oh are you on fucking lucy in the sky with diamonds when you wrote this see ya dude jellicle cats you understand what i'm saying and jason derulo was like yup are you fucking out of your mind world jason derulo said jellicle cats sign me up hey dude that whole thing is fucking utter nonsense imagine going to see a matinee of cats dude stay in the car if you fucking drive to cats for a matinee stay in the parking lot in the car and just make shit up in your head. It'll be way fucking better, dude. I would never see that movie fucking Cats, dude.

They try to make it all like fucking cats and then fucking what's her name? Just like on the fucking with her fucking human nails and shit what's her fucking name taylor swift bro you know focus on getting your catalog back focus on getting your catalog back don't make a movie what are you doing, Taylor Swift? Focus on getting your catalog back from Scooter Braun. Scooter Braun. How's Scooter Braun not in the 1940s? Hey, what's up? How you doing?

I'd like to manage you. My name's Scooter. Scooter Braun. Hey, how are you? He has a fucking hat. He'd have a hat with, like, one of those fucking feathers in it. Hey, how you doing kiddo oh you look really talented

how old are you one I had the poopy well you're gonna grow up to be a superstar I'm Scooter Scooter Braun would you like to go

see a matinee what is it it's a bunch of fucking cats running around it's fucking absolutely ridiculous you'd rather stay in a car come on let's go

get you some popcorn and lollipops let's go you're gonna be a big lollipops. Let's go. You're going to be a big star one day. When? In 90 years because that's when

you'll grow up. You're so young. You're negative fucking 40. Did you come in? How? He just walks up to a pregnant lady. Hello.

Well, I can tell you your son's going to be a big star. What? You're pregnant, right? Yeah. Your son's got talent. I don't even know

if it's a boy or a girl yet shut the fuck up you stupid bitch let's go i'm scuba uh yeah dude wow i can't wait to see cats i would never see cats dude i would never see cats dude of oh dude the people that are in it are so i've never never been a more S-set of course fucking cast in my life. I cannot fucking believe the people in Cats. Let's just roll down the people in Cats, okay? Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is playing Bambularina.

See ya. The name, see ya. Dude, the names... Dude, okay. Let me tell you something. Of course, if Hollywood asked me to be in Cats, I would be in fucking Cats. Do you know why? Because I want to be in Cats.

However, right under that, if my agent, if my manager, Josh Lieberman, called me and was like, look, okay, look, there's a part in Cats, okay? First of all, the way Josh says Cats, it's definitely spelled K-A-T-Z. Look, there's a part in cats, all right? Cats, all right? What are they doing? Give me Judy. It's like a Jim Corp.

All right. It's kind of a Swift vehicle, okay? Like, there's a part in there, and then what you plan. It's like a stand-up comedian cat, you know? He's like, I understand. He's like, Joe. I don't know what he is. The part is fucking rum-tum-tilly-tum, you know he's like I'm just saying I don't know what he is the part is fucking rum tum tilly tum

you know the role is rum tum tilly tum it's on page 75 you just look at it I don't know what the hell I am but okay anyway um uh and uh and I would be in it but dude I would

I would be like hey Josh call Hollywood back not being in cats but I would be in it, but dude, I would be like, hey, Josh, call Hollywood back, not being in Cats, but I would be in Cats. Anyway, Taylor Swift is Bumblerina, see ya, LSD. Jennifer Hudson is in it, like, of course. You could guess this cast, and she plays Grizabella, hey. Just call these fucking cats lisa and shit james corden plays fucking what is the name here it won't it won't show bustifer

a transformer what's the name? Bustopher Jones, dude. Dude, that is such a fucking song. That would be by... What's that group? Is it Adam Duritz? What's that group? Crown and Crows would make a song called Bustopher Jones, dude. I remember Bust...

What's that fucking... Long December. Yeah, that's how he sounds he would be like uh fucking what's the one more night in Hollywood where you met Bustopher Jones that's mister that's fucking Bustopher Jones and it's

cold outside um Idris Elba's in it that's the only And it's called Outside. Idris Elba's in it. That's the only one to me that is like doesn't make much sense in this movie. Macavity. Macavity. Okay. The next two are the S so much people that would be in the movie Cats. are the S so much people that would be in the movie

Cats, they would literally, like a real talking cat would get over they'd be like, well it's between you and a real talking cat, and they'd be like, and you got it because of course you're going to be in this fucking movie because it's you, okay? A real talking cat would be like

but I'm a real talking cat and they'd be like, sorry, gotta give it to Judi Dench, to Judi Dench. Dude, Judi Dench is in Cats, of course, and Ian McKellen. Rebel Wilson, of course, and then fucking,

I'm sorry, but the one that makes the most sense is Jason Derulo, dude. It's just so funny to me that goddamn Jason Derulo is in the movie Cats that I'm going to rip my fucking dick off. I mean,

dude, Jason Derulo. Imagine Jason Derulo. I cannot wait to look up fucking red carpet pictures of Jason Derulo at the movie at the fucking Cats premiere. I cannot fucking wait to see the for real horse shit he's wearing, dude.

And I'll be like, what are you doing? I'm just wiggling with it. Dude, and like it. When's it come out, dude? I've talked about cats in this fucking thing. It comes out soon, right? It's for sure a Christmas movie. Is this movie for kids? Dude, it it's so creepy if i was a kid

this is how i'd be like when my mom said hey you want to go see cats i go like this no what it's for kids i go like this now why to kelly to kelly you don't want to go in no i'll stay'll stay in the car. You go see it, it's too killin'. I'll stay in the stroller, you go in there, it's too killin'. But Jason Derulo's in it, that's fuckin' tick-dickiless. But Judi Dench is in it,

of course she is. James Corden plays Bustopher Jones, that's Counting Crows song? Jennifer Hudson's in it. Does she play Griselda? That makes sense. Taylor Swift is in it. Bambi Lorena, of course. I'm not going to go to see stupid Jellicle Cats.

I'm not going to go see Jellicle Cats. You made me go see the musical. I hate that shit. That's right in for... The people who wrote that was on the last D. you made me go see the musical I hate that shit that's written for the people who wrote that was on DLSD in the 1980s they pooped it

um okay let's look at the Cats trailer, dude. I know we've seen it, but we gotta see it again, dude. Wiggle wiggle with it. Meow meow meow meow meow meow. Cats movie.

Now, I'd rather stay in the car and poop my pants than just have a shitty diaper for two hours. But, no butts, bitch. See ya, have fun. but it's a universal pick they make good movies but this one's a weird one I'm sorry dude the cat's got a fucking top hat I'm out talk about jellicle

what talk about Jellicle. What? Talk about Jellicle. I cannot fucking believe that Jason Derulo is in this movie. Dude, I swear to God, at the end of this movie, the cat goes, meow, and you go, what's that in your cat pocket? And pulls out a Sprite and he goes, wiggle's that in your cat pocket? And he pulls out a sprite and he goes, wiggle wiggle with it. So beautiful. Oh wow, there's a fucking thing in the back that says milk bar.

I haven't seen you before have I nah cause you're a fucking human cat little they're little for a new life that's me twirling cats in a room that's so ornate they've got ears that are on top of their heads Cats. In a room that's so ornate.

They've got ears that are on top of their heads, but also somehow it's not uncomfortable for them to wear hats. James Corden, of course. And Judi Dench, of course. And also, of course, Jason Derulo drinking Sprite. Idris Elba, for some reason. Jennifer Hudson, remember her? Ian McKellen is in it, naturally. Taylor Swift vehicle.

And Rebel Wilson does stuff like falls down and stuff. Does it have the nerve to say introducing someone no no no no that's a joke right that didn't say that did it oh it did dude it's introducing bro it's introducing some it's introducing an actor bro I haven't seen that in years. Dude, I haven't seen that since like a fucking Sundance movie and when Sundance first came- and introducing Ed Burns, dude. And this fucking goddamn movie Cats has got the nerve. Oh my god, dude. Introducing Francesca Hayward, dude. I'm sorry. I actually left so hard I might fucking throw up, and I'm not even joking. Bro, introducing Francesca Hayward,

and then it shows her mostly a cat. Just say introducing another cat. That's like fucking, that's like when they do Johnny Depp in Rango. And you're like, he's just, it's a cartoon lizard, you fucking assholes. Johnny Depp's not in it. That's a lizard with a suitcase. Dude, that drives me nuts when they do that. When it's like a cartoon and they're like, fucking dude.

Oh, for fuck's sake, man. And introducing. Oh, actually, never mind. It's a fucking cat. director of lemme's rob and the king's speech bro that movie ripped when fucking what's his name colin firth when he's just like dude that movie When that guy, didn't he win the Oscar for that? Bro, he won the Oscar for that close-up when he was like, Bro, that shit.

Bro, if I was in that movie, oh, fuck. I would have killed that shit. Reading the thing. Bro, that movie ripped. This director is good as fuck. Shut up, you're a fucking incel, Butters. Look at this.

Look at this, what it just said. I don't even know. And from Andy Blankenboob. They're making up. Bro. Bro, what's happening? Dude. And from Andy Blankenbob. They're making up. Bro. Bro, what's happening? Dude. And from Andy Blankenbuehler, choreographer of Hamilton.

Bullshit, dude. You made that shit up. You made that name up, dude. You know why you made it up? Because the names of the cats are so fucking wacky that we're like, yeah, they're like, it's Andy Blank. It's Andy Blank. And they're like, it's going to look weird in the credits. Make it a different thing.

And some guy was just like, Andy Blankenbuehler? And they were like, yeah, it looks less weird, dude. It looks less weird. Fucking James Corden is playing Bus Stop McHenry. James Henry is playing Bus Stop Magoodaculley, dude. The fucking late night host is playing bus stop Jones. We got to fucking, it can't be Andy Blank. Andrew Lloyd Webber and T.S.

Elliott. Wow. Idris Elba. Oh, they have hats on. What? Look at that. That's the best. That line.

The next line, they cut it, but the next line... The next line, they cut it, but the next line is... A fucking course I am, bitch! I'm a small cat! The next line, they cut it, but the next line is... A fucking course I am, bitch! I'm a small cat! I'm a cat with a fucking hat on, bitch! That was the next line. They cut it. Look, this is how it went. This is how it goes. Or you wear cats with fucking hats on.

I gotta fucking... Right here. Right here. Right here. Right here. Right here. Come on! Are you going to try for a different life? Are you kidding me? I'm a fucking cat with a suit on

that's going to hang around Jason Derulo! Won't you? Oh, trailers always go quiet right before they end. It'll be like... And then it'll go... Cat. Cat. This holiday season, you'll believe. Bro. Fucking. bro fucking uh goran bros goran bros fucking sent me some hats bro send me a deagle these fucking guys sent me a like a cap a cap bro

butters what the fuck was that? Butters just went, meh. Butters, come here. Come here. Are you okay? Come here, buddy. Come here, bubba. Good boy.

Good boy. Doing what I say always. Good boy. Just fucking meh. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. They sent me a fucking baseball hat. And it has a fucking wiener dog on it.

Bro, I would have worn a fucking decal the whole episode. You understand me? I would have worn a fucking Charlie Goodnight the whole episode. My Scooter Braun impression would have even been better. Hey, how's it going? I would have worn a fucking Charlie Goodnight the whole episode. My Scooter Braun impression would have even been better. Hey, how's it going? I'm Scooter Braun. Your kid's a superstar.

What are you talking about? My kid? I'm eight. Yeah, but you're going to grow up and you're going to get pregnant and then you're going to have a kid and I can tell he's a superstar already. What you going to do? I'm going to force drums on him

when he's two. Make him give him fucking two sticks and a fucking pan bitch you understand i'm scooter braun um every time i fucking talk about somebody that i get get in trouble they'll fucking write back like oh wow they talked about it on h3 the cats movie trailer is a nightmare they say you know what's weird is sometimes they don't have the uh what do you call it the um the the cgi all done until the movie like they won't have it done on the trailer and they will have it done in the movie so maybe that's what's up but universal pictures you know they come

somebody wrote on the comments under it this is what the people in the bird box saw before they Memories, nothing more than memories. We got some memories. We've got memories for sale. How many memories would you like to purchase? Memories are about $9.50, but if you get two, we'll give you a fucking deal. Memories. Three for two. Memories.

You can buy a dozen and we'll charge you for ten. Fucking memories. What if in the middle of Cats it went off the rails and that's the song that happened you understand how fucking that would be my favorite movie do you understand you don't dude you fucking don't and they'll just keep making the same fucking shit grow some fucking balls and fucking bastardize some shit man i'll never be in another movie again after this fucking podcast, but, you know, maybe Netflix.

Netflix fucking seems to employ your boy. I might do this movie in January. I'm not sure yet. And I told them to fucking write more shirts off scenes in it. And they were like, you got it. And they sent me the signs, and I'm ripping through the fucking jungle with my shirts off scenes in them in it and they were like you got it and they sent me the signs and i'm ripping through the fucking jungle with my shirts off dude i just want to be in a movie where i'm just like i'm so young dude um but uh yeah so i was going to talk about that and then I was going to talk about what is up, dude, with what – and I got to say, like, I don't know much about politics. I really don't.

I don't know much about politics. I don't. politics i don't but and i you know i don't like to talk about i don't like to talk about how you know trump is just a fucking lunatic you know he is naturally i don't talk about it that much because i just i stay out of politics this is not political okay what the fuck is joe biden ever saying okay what is he saying i mean my dad is his age and my dad has never said anything about uh let me just go to this clip here i saw that made me aware when i was in law school. Proudly for Holloway. Okay. Proudly for your dad.

Okay. First African-American state senator in the state of Delaware. Uh-oh. Everything about. There we go. Okay, good, good, good. Nice. Claps.

Good claps. Good, good. And by the way, you know, I shit on the stand. Uh-oh. See, went off the teleprompter, went off the shit that was designed, what he was going to say. All of his handlers right now are going like this right now in the back. I'm going off course.

Stick to the plan. Okay. But when he says, by the way, when Joe Biden says, by the way, that's like when superimposed, when he says, by the way, fucking the planes flying into the fucking Twin Towers. Like, that's what it is.

Superimposed polling just going down and down and down. By the way, you know, first African American, we love everybody and this and that. By the way, by the way, okay? And by the way, you know, I sit on the stand

and it get hot. I got a lot of that. I got hairy legs. You said that. Where the fuck is this going? Now, when somebody says something as wacky as shit as that, when you're talking politics and when you're running for president. OK, and you just divert. All right. running for president okay and you just divert all right you just show up to the pool party with a speedo on right and everyone's like whoa whoa what's going on you better have something in store like it's a fucking the end of an m night shamalan movie okay you better be this guy just wait you better have the deck stacked

but joe biden is just jumping out of the plane with skittles and then people are like why you got those skittles and he's like well because you can eat them on the way down and you're like but you're gonna die what and then you open up your shoot and he's just like but it's less tasty and you're like that guy didn't think it out did he you're jumping out of a plane with a fucking pocket full of Skittles, you asshole. Okay, let me just go back. And to get hot, I got a lot of, I got hairy legs. I should understand.

And to get hot. First of all, he knows he's fucking up already, but he's into it. And he's like, I could do it. It's an ego thing because he's stuttering. He's like, he's already knows he shouldn't say the hairy legs thing but but he's like i'm joe biden i made it this far the stand and it get hot i got a lot of i got hairy legs that turn that that that that that that turn uh um blonde in the sun

is this a fucking in the sun. Is this a fucking Daniel Bedingfield song? I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got hairy legs that turn that that turn blonde in the sun.

And the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight. And then watch the hair come back up again. They'd look at it. So I learned about roaches. I learned about kids jumping on my lap. And I've loved kids jumping on my lap. And I've loved kids jumping on my lap. And I tell you what, the men, they're now all men. The guys I work with down here, and they're all guys at the time.

They're all good men. Most of them made an awful lot of themselves. And Earl Larkin had a rough time. And some of you knew Earl Earl I came back as a public defender what you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard this fucking thing from what do you call it what is it from some Adam Sandler movie oh yeah Billy Oh, yeah, Billy Madison. God, I mean, just wow. Just wow. Now I got hairy legs, and I used to be in a pool, and I used to be in a pool, and I would have kids, and the kids would be in the pool,

and they would rub my legs down to straighten their hair. And then they would let it go, and they would watch it, and their hair would just curl up. Okay? So I know about roaches. Ah! What? And I love having kids on my lap. Ah!

But you're running for president, so you can't say that stuff. The thing is, though, no. The thing is, though, you're jumping out of an airplane with a pocket full of Skittles. You're jumping out of a plane with a pocket full of skittles just like that fucking elatis morissette song dude jason derulo is in cats oh for fuck's sake dude that song wiggle wiggle wiggle oh my god that's hilarious he's gotta be in a Sprite commercial dude

Jason Derulo's in a Sprite commercial I don't give a fuck I'm looking Derulo Sprite 100% Jason Derulo. Oh, he's not.

Okay. I'm pissed. He is, though. We all know that deep down. We all know that he's in a Sprite commercial deep down. Did he get the Coke commercial? Did he get the Coke commercial? Oh, he's in a fucking...

No, he's not in a Coke commercial. The Coca-Cola anthem for 2018. He performs Colors, the Coca-Cola anthem, but he wasn't in a Coke commercial. I mean, technically, maybe it is a Coke commercial. Dude, Jason Derulo, man. That's a handsome motherfucker, though, huh? How much has he had sex

with fucking four different women and that's it? He's just like, well, you know, I like to treat them, you know? And girls are just like, can you just, oh my God, this song, dude. Wiggle.

These are the lyrics. Go up all the way. Hey, dude, I love when rappers, hey, oh, Jason, say something to her. Holler at her. I got when rapper. Hey, oh, Jason, say something to a holler at her. I got one question. How do you fit it all in them jeans? You know what to do with that big fat butt.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. What's what's better, this or fucking cats for real? Like. By T.S. Elliott Like, by T.S. Eliot. I bet T.S. Eliot would be like, oh. Your booty like two planets. Ah. Juvenile.

I mean, that's like some shit. Hey, what do you think of it? What do you think of your new t-shirt? It's juvenile. I mean, that's like some shit. Hey, what do you think of it? What do you think you need to do to teach her? She got booty and it looks like two planets. She got booty and it looks like two planets. Really? Yeah, it looks like she got Mars on the left and then Pluto on the right.

She got two planets in her jeans. I'm going to put my face on that. What is it? Eat it, ate it, love it, hate it. Okay. Well, yeah, bro. Damn, dude. Okay. Fuck. It's good. We're good. We good we did it wow that flew by you know what to do with that big fat butt so dick so controlling

imagine you said that to your wife you know what to do with your big fat butt right you know what to do with it, right? What? Wiggle it. Excuse me? And I know when I used to be in pools. I used to be in pools. And kids would come up

and they'd be under the water and I would hold them there and they would put their hands down my legs. And this isn't the thing about this is, is it's not sexual. And the interesting thing too, is I've been accused also of like doing things like whispering sweet nothings into 11 year old their ears. But right now this has nothing to do with that. This is kids.

I'll hold them underwater. They, they put, they, they rub my legs and. They rub my legs, and the hair goes straight. And then they let their hands go out. They take them off my legs. And that's the part I like the least, right? Because I like their hands on my legs. But they release them. And then the hair curls up like a bone.

So it curls up like a boner, like what you'd get if you saw if you were just like saw somebody that you were attracted to but i am not attracted to kids so the things the the the hair will just curl up right like a clitoris if you know and um and it will curl up and and so i know about roaches i got a question dude quick question yeah oh excuse me yeah i'll take questions from you go. There's a reporter right there. I know you. I haven't seen you for a long time. What's your question? Oh, yes, Mr. Biden, I just have one question about what you just said there. Looks at his notes.

Butters, if you growl... Butters, don't growl. Butters, you growl Butters you're an incel dude we're going off on that man Butters fucking Butters come here Butters come here Butters

come on okay good well you guys here we go that's it buy merch at Chris D'Elia store ChrisD'Elia., and that's the shit. And Peoria, Chicago, Orillia. I'm coming to Orillia, Chicago, Irvine, Pasadena, West Palm Beach, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Go get your tickets now. And my Netflix special is coming out in a few months. So that's what's up, you guys. Have a good day. And remember, you know, I used to sit. I would be in a pool. And I would hold kids underwater. Bye-bye.

See you. Have a good one. Thank you.