Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 15. Gay Barnacles

Episode Date: May 8, 2017

Hey! It's the 15th episode, and we're back in LA! In today's discussion, Chris talks about the Met Gala. Also discussed: people who talk about loving the rain, robots in movies, liking shoes too much, his Australian seat neighbor on his flight who was really livin' it up, The LOX, when Chris wanted his family to call him 'Crazy Legs' and THEN 'Damian Monroe', spinners, pogs, and a whole bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate and review on iTunes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply To drive to my home. Babies. Babies. Babies. Babies, what's up? It's me.

You remember me. I'm saying that because I'm back in L.A. And I'm doing my podcast here now, back home. And I was doing it in Toronto. I did it twice in Toronto and I never quite understood uh I didn't know anybody out there in Toronto and um it was weird how boring it was for me I love Toronto I'm not trying to knock the city it was fucking amazing uh but it was also raining every. And so I wanted to jump out of the window because I hate the rain. And I also hate when people say they like the rain. That bugs me

when people are like, oh, you know, but I love the rain because then you get to be inside and it's all cozy and you sit near the fireplace. Okay, then you don't like the rain. If you like the rain, you'll be out in the rain. You don't say, people who love the beach go to the beach. They don't fucking sit inside and think about the beach or hear the beach. You don't like the rain if you don't go out in the fucking rain. So if you say you like the rain, go out in the rain and fucking dance around and shit. Otherwise, don't say you don't like the rain if you don't go out in the fucking rain. So if you say you like the rain, go out in the rain and, and fucking dance around and shit. Otherwise don't say you don't like the rain. You like being inside then. Oh, then you like being inside. So fuck this rain,

man. It was insane bad. Uh, I mean like it wasn't like a monsoon or anything, but it just never stopped. It stopped for like one day. And, um, so I was getting fed up of it because i couldn't even do cool shit in toronto i couldn't even like go to like i mean i don't ever really do cool shit but like my my buddy invited me to the toronto blue jays game and i was like nah of course not um and but uh but yeah so i i i would just like go to the starbucks and get fucking Starbucks. And I was bored out of my mind, but like not, but I don't, I was just talking about this earlier on the other podcast. I don't, I don't, I think boring people get bored, right? But like, man, it was weird.

But then I came back to LA and I did the same thing that I did in Toronto and I fucking was not bored. So I don't know. Maybe it's like, I'm just, I don't know what that means really. I don't know what that means. I think it was the option to do whatever I wanted to do is what makes me not bored, which is fucking weird because I'm just, I'm still not doing it. It's a mindset thing, dude. But I was there for two and a half weeks didn't have uh friends you know um but uh so this is the 15th episode we're doing we're close we're getting close to 100 guys and then we're going to be in syndication um so i'm back in la and by the way it was so hot when i wasn't in la everyone's telling me oh you're missing it you're missing it and then i get back to la the second i get back to la it rains literally and it's was so hot when I wasn't in LA. Everyone was telling me, oh, you're missing it. You're missing it. And then I get back to LA.

The second I get back to LA, it rains literally and it's freezing. And I fucking, I can't stand when people are like, hey, you brought the rain with you. You know? Hey, you brought the rain with you. Ah, shut up. You're just saying, you know what you're saying? Blah, loo, la, loo, la, loo. You're saying that because that's just something to say and you're wasting time.

Let's get to the good shit. How's your dick or something you know how's your cock um dude i can't believe when i recorded this last podcast episode 14 that i fucking did it while the met gala gala was going on and then when i stopped recording everyone was like tweeting me about the met gala and i fucking now i'm a week late on the Met Gala. Look, man, it raises money for fashion or whatever the fuck it raises money for, which is great. It's always good to raise money for some fucking causes. And when I went on a, what do you call it, a rant on Twitter about it, about how stupid everyone looked and everyone was like, you don't get it. You don't get it.

They were dressing to the theme. Okay. Oh oh that's cool also they look dumb also they look dumb cool i understand there's a theme also they look dumb that's it that's all i'm trying to say a lot of people dressed to the theme also and didn't look dumb but the people who got all the fucking press and all that shit looked really fucking dumb. Pharrell's wife looked like the side of a goddamn couch. Okay. Am I supposed to sit on you Pharrell's wife? No. Really? Then show me your arms. Did you see her fucking outfit? They had no arms. What happens if you got a scratch on her fucking face? Pharrell better be there, dude, to scratch your fucking face. That's so weird.

Remember putting that shit on? It had no arms. She put it over her head. It looked stiff as shit, had no arms, and fucking Pharrell was like, you ready? Let's go. And Pharrell just wore a leather jacket and jeans. What a dick making his wife fucking wear a couch and he fucking put on just jeans and a leather jacket and he was like let's go snoop um i mean the fucking her outfit was suicide wrist rad it was a red she looked like a red couch it was suicide wrist red soft color suicide rich wrist red hey uh dude i want red but i want it to be the most depressing thing of all time suicide wrist red oh oh um so anyway and by the way i there was a picture of pharrell with like a bunch of the amigos guys

and shit and i was making fun how they look like they were from the matrix and fucking pharrell looked like dressed like my dad compared to them how do you make how does pharrell look like the normal guy in the picture so the met gala was horrible i mean it's great it's great that it but you know it's great it... But stop giving these people fucking... And here's the other thing I'm tired of. I made fun of Rihanna for dressing like origami. But like... This is the thing I said on Twitter.

Just because somebody is so good at what they do. Sure. Katy Perry. I think she's a great singer. I think Rihanna's a great singer and a great artist. But that doesn't mean that they fucking don't look like assholes when they dress like trash. I mean, fucking Katy Perry literally had, I think the levels are fucking too high on this.

I don't know. Katy Perry literally had rearview mirrors on her face. She had two fucking rearview mirrors on her face. mirrors on her face. She had two fucking rearview mirrors on her face. Like those spy glasses where you could see behind you that you could buy when you were a kid if you sent away for a bunch of things after eating a bunch of Nabisco crackers. Dude, she had rearview mirrors on her face. Hey, Katy Perry, you Volkswagen? Oh no? You human? Then take those rearview mirrors off your fucking face. Great singer. But don't pretend because she's a great singer that she slayed Queen. She didn't. She dressed like a fucking asshole.

And I get it was the theme, but she dressed like an asshole. And so did Rihanna. Rihanna looked like a fucking asshole. I'm not, she's dude, she's beautiful. She's great at her job, but that doesn't mean she can dress. And maybe she can dress. I mean, she's looked amazing before, but she got a little too carried away. Oh, and then somebody was like, look at the theme. I looked up the theme. It was called, it was like the in-betweenness of fashion or whatever. That's anything, man. I could put a condom over my fucking head and be like, hey, I'm in between fucking sex

and fashion or whatever the fuck. And people would take pictures. If Rihanna did that, people would have been like, oh, she's Slade Queen. I fucking hate that, dude. Hey, oh my God, she shut it down. No, you didn't. You're on your couch, you know. Just chill.

You don't need to say anything. Just chill. Hey, oh, she shut down fucking the Met Gala. No, it still happened. She didn't shut shit down. She looks like a fucking bunch of barnacles on a fucking sea stump or one of those fucking uh dock things that hold up the dock that's what she looked like oh she had a bunch of fucking like gay barnacles on her because they were all different

colors and here comes people mad at me because i said that you can't say fucking anything gay barnacles yo we're for gay barnacles and actually it's not cool because it's not cool to assume that some barnacles want to fuck the same sex barnacles as the other barnacles want to fuck different sex barnacles. Okay. Met Gala was stupid as shit. People look good. Like, what's his name look good? Jake Gyllenhaal was there. He looked good. Rami Malek. what's his name look good jake gyllenhaal was there he looked good rami malik is that his name he looked good and fucking donald glover

looked good he went you know pushed a little bit but it looked good you look like a bunch of gay barnacles bye i was in toronto and i was uh i was chilling and i was like thinking about my buddy who, my buddy, he's an actor, he's a little dramatic, but he's always telling me like, yeah, man, I miss you, man. And like I always say like I miss you back and I was thinking about him and while I was in Toronto and I was like, dude, I fucking don't miss him, you know? And then I was thinking about what the fuck missing means. Like what? And then I was really trying to fucking figure that out like what is a miss what is that and so i started thinking about like my dad and like do i miss my dad it's been two and a half weeks and like and then when does that fucking miss start kicking in and what is even that what is that is it a feeling it's like a feeling of you missing someone i don't know what that is this is why i started to think i was a fucking sociopath because like yeah do i want do i like

hanging out with my friends yeah i like hanging out with with people that i love but when i'm not with them i don't know if i feel like i miss them i wonder if people identify with this like i don't know what the fuck that means. You know, like in movies, like whenever a guy misses a girl, if she died of cancer or whatever, like they show like, they show flashbacks and he's in the bed with her, like hiding under the covers and the sun's peeking in. And it's like this really Sigur Rós type music. And you're like, oh, he must miss her. And she's dead now. Ross type music and you're like, oh, he must miss her and she's dead now. I guess that's what it is. Like if I cry, I miss somebody. It's a robot. If I, if my eyes rain, do I miss someone? Um, but I don't know, dude, I, oh, I used to do this bit on stage where I was like,

where it pissed me off about how every movie about robots, robots knew how to do everything except say crying. And they'd be like, why are your eyes raining? Like, dude, they know how to say crying. Oh, you programmed every fucking word ever except for crying? You skipped that one? And it says, why are your eyes raining? Why are your eyes raining? Why are your eyes raining? I think they said that in like Bicentennial Man or some bullshit. Why are your eyes raining? It's called crying. Crying? What is crying?

It is when your eyes rain? Yes. Why do you cry do you you cry when you miss someone and then at the end of the fucking uh movie the robot's like you are crying and then you're supposed to cry he's like oh he learned crying but i don't really know man i don't know i guess i like seeing the people i love but like what is that like sitting and thinking about somebody dude i i really honestly want to know i don't really get it i think that's so that's so like sociopathic but i don't know um anyway my buddy my what i'm trying to say is i didn't i don't miss my buddy but i like hanging out with him you know what i i was thinking about like what i what i what i and this is how i finally fucking

started to identify with it i was thinking about like how like oh fuck when when i go on the road i take like two or three at the most pairs of shoes and i was like fuck man i wish i had all my shoes like is that missing because if that's missing if i don't miss people and i miss my shoes then i'm a hooker do you understand because hookers don't fucking have like real love in their life, you know, probably. Like on a general basis. But they love like Louboutin, you know. And that's how I am. I'm a hooker basically.

Because I was like thinking about my shoes and wanting to put them on. Like Adidas and Jordans and Yeezys and shit. Like a fucking piece of shit asshole. That's bad, dude. And I was thinking about also why i like shoes so much that's a weird thing because like i don't like like pants or like shirts so much but i feel like that because like i get it from my dad my dad wears like red shoes sometimes you know and like he'll be like and but he's got like black outfit on but like red shoes that he designed from nike id like a fucking 70 year old and uh and he's like well i like it because like it's the one article

of clothing as a guy you can kind of go out there with but not fucking you know be too much and i was like dude that's exactly that's exactly why i like fucking shoes you know i got regular jeans on right now i got my fucking hoodie on and i got my yeezys on and they're orange the yeezys have a little orange in them i would not wear that color orange on my body yeah but i usually bring the most user-friendly shoes that'll just go with anything like i have fucking black nikes that i bring the black black uh cyber monday jordans oh because i could wear them when i was on when i'm on the plane or whatever and just be comfortable. But, dude, this guy on the plane was hilarious.

On the way back, he was this fucking Australian guy, first of all, that sat next to me. And super nice. But we didn't talk much. We didn't talk at all, really. But, like, he was in first class. Living it up, man. This guy was just all the perks. Like, when they come by.

Like, who the fuck like okay i guess like like okay like the the stewardess would come by and be like do you want a paper which paper would you like and they had that like the usa today and the canadian times or whatever the fuck they call it and then like in new york times and like los angeles times and he was like yeah i'll take a paper and he took the paper and then fucking was reading the paper just living it up and that's fine you want the newspaper you the newspaper. It's boring on a flight, whatever. And then they came by and was like, hey, what do you want to eat? And he was like, oh, I have the cod. I'll have the loin of the cod.

And so we got the cod loin, which is like saliving it up, you know? Like they had barbecue chicken and a vegetable dish and fucking cod loin. And that's the most salivating it up fucking i mean if you're in first class and you get the cod and there's a barbecue chicken option you're salivating it up i mean you're the fucking king of first class you're the king of the whole plane you're the pilot basically so she was like okay cool and then i was like i'll get the fucking cod loin too because i didn't want this motherfucker to be showing me up on what the fuck i was going to be eating. Right. So I got the fucking codloin cause the Australian was getting the codloin. It was good anyway. But then they

came back and they were like, and what would you like to drink? And he was like, do you have like sparkling water? And like, which is like salivating it up. Like that's basically water for the plebeians transformed into the fucking salivated up version so now the guy's got no regular water but the most salivated up version he's got the fucking wince the the water that transform that fucking eat with bubbles on it and now fucking he's rolling out with the fucking water and she says uh would anybody care for some wine? And I don't drink, so I was like, no, thanks. And he says, yeah, I'd like, what kind of wine do you have? I'd like, what I'd like is, what do you have, white, and what do you have, red? And she was like, oh, we just have kind of whatever.

And he says, I'll get a Chardonnay, sliving it up. And then she was like, well, we don't have Chardonnay. And he was like, what do you got? And she just holds up the two bottles of wine that she has she's like no first first she said you want red or white wine and he was like i'll talk to you at night she's like we don't have chardonnay and so and then it would like it took way too long for her to be like here are the options we have which were two bottles one red and one white and then he was like and he grabbed the white bottle from her and he looked and he read the label.

He was reading the label on a plane, sliving it up with the cod loin in front of him, holding a wine glass, reading the label. And he looks and he says, oh yeah, you know what? I had this last time. Yeah, this is very drinkable. If you describe anything that you drink as a very drinkable,

immediately, I want to shit my pants and leave it there for 40 minutes. Okay? You know what, dude? That's why it's designed as a drink. Because it's drinkable. Nothing is very drinkable. You understand me? It a drink because it's drinkable. Nothing is very drinkable. You understand me? It's only one level of drinkable, okay?

You can say a milkshake is hard to drink, but you don't say something that is an actual regular drink is very drinkable without getting me BRM. Okay? I was blood red mad. And so he says, I'll have this. It's very drinkable. And she was like, okay. She had to pretend like it was like, oh, yeah, of course it is, you know. So she pours it, gives it back to him, gives it to him, and then leaves a little bit. And he takes a few sips of his very drinkable wine.

It was so drinkable that he took a few sips already. And then she comes back and he says, you know what? This doesn't, last time I had this, it didn't taste like this. It tastes a little bit different. Can I have, can I send it back? He sends back the wine. He sends it back, dude. Like he's at a restaurant called Reflections. He sends it back, dude. Like he's at a restaurant called Reflections.

He sends it back. And then he gets the red wine and he's all have the other one. And he drinks the red wine and then he's happy. Eating the cod loin, sent the wine back because it wasn't drinkable enough. And then got the red wine. And while he's reading USA Today, sliving it up. Hey, dude, are you P. Diddy? Dude, where are you?

You can only be like that if you're on the way to P. Diddy's white party. And he wasn't because he was dressed in all colors. Dude, it was so funny. Every time he ordered anything, under my breath, I went, sliving it up to nobody. It was like this guy always heard this in his head, no matter where he was.

Won't you take me to funky town? Won't you take me to funky town? And he was like, yeah, I love the wine. It's very drinkable. I'll take all the newspapers. Let me send this one back and I'll have the code line. Won't you take me to funky town? I mean, this guy was going from

fucking Toronto to LA. What was he going to... Oh, man. I wanted to follow the guy. At least he talked to me, not like that other fucking... The Asian guy that was on my last flight didn't say shit. I could have punched... I could have literally grabbed his nuts, like, lightly, and, like, just waited for him to respond, and he would have just said nothing. Yeah, so he was sliving it up it was unbelievable

and i'm sitting next to the guy not sliving it up trying to fucking do what i do but i got the fucking um cod loin that's kind of cocked to get the cod loin on a fucking plane you know it's pretty fucking cocked to just get the fish on a plane at all but you know what what's funny? I was really hungry before the flight, and there was sushi at the fucking thing. For some reason, I wouldn't get sushi at an airport, even though it's fine, I'm sure. I mean, yeah, of course it's fine. But I couldn't fucking... I wouldn't do that. And then when they asked me the thing, I was like, without a hesitation, I was like, I'll have the cod line.

That's the same. It's on a plane. Why is it worse? Or why is it better? I still can't get over how fucking dope that people dress in Toronto, though. I mean, motherfuckers. Oh, I watched this fucking thing on the plane, this show called Noisy, which is awesome.

I guess it's by, like, Viceland or something. And you got to watch this fucking thing. It's about a dude, I mean, it's always about, like, music or some shit. Like, one of them, one of the episodes was about, like, how music was, well, one of them one of the episodes was about like how music was well one of them was about music in San Francisco in the Bay Area and then another one was about um uh music in Nashville

and the outskirts of Nashville and this one dude uh was like a rapper a 40 year old rapper in Nashville that was like selling CDs out of buses and he said he sold over 2 million copies of CDs out of his bus, out of his buses. And like nobody's done that on like a street team. Like people, like 86, they were saying 86% of CD sales or 86% of people don't buy CDs anymore

or something like that ever since like 2000, the year 2000 or something. And this guy was out hawking fucking CDs and had like a whole street team doing it. And they get to keep half, half the money. The guy's name is Maverick. That was the rapper named Maverick. Um,

and he would fucking, he would fucking have these, these, like these guys who were like, they were like, I'll fucking die selling these CDs. He was like like they were like i'll fucking die selling these cds he was like he was like so fucking like he gave these guys a second chance off the street to try and like sell these guys cds and like give them a place to make money and like some of these guys were addicted to drugs or like they were like thieves and they had like a second chance

and this guy but like wherever they go on um to these like outskirts areas of like people places that have like one walmart they'll they think they're meeting like a celebrity but wherever they go people think that they're meeting a celebrity because they take pictures and shit and even though they don't know who the guy is like oh yeah he's got the bus wraps and all that shit and he gives he sells some cds for like 20 bucks and and but wherever they go they're they go, these guys that have like rough paths, but wherever they go, they like end up like getting into trouble sometimes.

Like they do drugs or they get in fights and shit like this because they were all, because they're all like, you know, hoodlums or whatever. But they were fucking, but this guy, he's this white rapper

who's with, that wears a cowboy hat and like race car fucking jackets and he raps. And this other guy was saying like, it's this white rapper who's with, that wears a cowboy hat and like race car fucking jackets and he raps. And this other guy was saying like, it's a pyramid scheme. He's a piece of shit for doing this, but he makes the music. I don't know. The noisy host guy was like, tried to, had to try and sell the CDs with them. And he said he felt bad doing it and taking people's money, even though they were giving him a product. It like buying a fucking bracelet i don't know i feel like it's like if you make the music and you sell the shit like i have guys come up in la all the time always

like these young black dudes that are just like hey man you like hip-hop and i'm like yeah and they're like oops said that should have said no it was like man you gotta listen to my cd and like i've bought one of those before and i listened to it but it you know it was like i don't know i remember if i even liked it or not it was 15 years ago but like these guys are trying to fucking make it like that i probably was probably fucking kendrick lamar for all i remember and now it's fucking i have like now he's like fucking got 11 million followers on twitter um no it was not kendrick lamar anyway i fucking have fallen victim to that but whatever i guess that's how it used to work right there was no internet you just buy a cd because you heard it was good i don't remember

you'd oh you'd leave you'd hear it on the radio right and oh i i um fucking off track here but uh oh that was gross i fucking my stomach just made a noise. Very cool. Very cool. This is just the kind of real shit you get in a podcast, you know? Reminds you that Yem Human. Did you have a good Cinco de Mayo? Dude, am I going to throw up? What the fuck's going on right now? Cinco de Mayo. If you want to drink, drink, you know?

But I don't like when people need excuses To get drunk It's drunk right now Like Cinco de Mayo I just like White people being like It's Cinco de Mayo, let's do it Makes me like

Just drink, it's Friday And just drink Because you drank May 4th too you piece of shit and you're gonna drink may 6th so don't yeah because oh we gotta do something that's sad yakuta that yakuta all right and also if you're gonna do cinco de fine. But if you call it Cinco de Drinco, you need to buy a boat. You need to go out in the middle of the ocean, jump off the boat, dude. Cinco de Drinco? So dumb.

So fucking dumb. Like, that's like such white guy frat guy humor you know Cinco de Drinco basically anything that's as funny as dressing up like a fucking something and a Halloween and then going in and like dressing up for Halloween that's how funny that is is to say Cinco de Drinco is just as funny as dressing up as a funny thing on Halloween and going into a party and having everyone be like, oh, and then that's it. That's sad. That's sad. Or you're a guy that dressed up like a Chiquita Banana Girl, and then everyone goes, oh, shit, and then that's it, and then you have to stay dressed up like the Chiquita Banana Girl on Halloween? Bye. Not worth it. It's not worth it. Not worth it.

It's not worth it. Oh, man. Hey, what the fuck are spinners, by the way? Here's my 37-inch showing. But what is it? You know these things that people are fucking talking about online? They're literally just these gadgets that you hold and you spin. If you fidget, I don't know what that is. It's just a thing that spins around. A lot of you guys aren't even going to know what the fuck I'm talking about because I don't even know that is. It's just a thing that spins around.

A lot of you guys aren't even going to know what the fuck I'm talking about because I don't even know what I'm talking about. But you just hold it in the middle and then you spin it around and it spins a lot. And they're made out of like skateboard parts or some shit. But it's like fucking three inches big. And you can like put them on your head and watch them spin. Or like put them on the ground and watch them spin. No, I saw a guy fucking my producer was like no you just hold it no i saw one of the locks put it on jadakiss's head

and just he was and he's bald and they just had him fucking they were balancing it on his head and it fucking spun around jadakiss snot gangster yo dog put that spinner on my head, man. Yo, you ain't think I'm about it? Put that goddamn spinner on my head. It wasn't, I don't know if it was Jadakiss or Sheik Louch or, ah, Jadakiss, Sheik Louch, whatever the other one is called.

That's obviously a very weird name. What is it? Stiles P. You know? Jadakiss, Sheeklouch, and Stiles P. Eh? Dude, like, how do these guys get their names, dude? Yo, Jadakiss, hand me that spinner.

You'll get it from Sal's P. Yo, don't Sheik Louch have that spinner? Sheik Louch. Alone, those names are like, huh? He put that shit together. Sheik Louch. That's my favorite rapper name, Sheik Louch. What did he get it from?

The Lox. All of their things mean nothing unless except it's their things. Chic Louch. I love, by the way, I love them. Chic Louch. This guy. Of course, Chic Louch has a bandana on and also a hat. Pick one.

Sean Divine Jacobs, better known as Sheik Louch, is a rapper, member of the Lox, and founder of D-Block Records with Styles P and Jadakiss. He's 40. How did he get his name, though? Also known as donnie g oh man he's rivaling up on the uh uh uh uh was it chief key chief keef with all those fucking things names sheik louch donnie g chris i used to want when i was a kid i used to want my when I was a kid, I used to want my fucking, I thought about changing my name to...

No, no, no. When I was a kid kid, I wanted my parents to call me crazy legs for real because I sat weird at the dinner table. What a fucking asshole. I was six. Hey, mom, will you call... I legitimately remember meaning it too. I was like, will you guys call me crazy legs? Because I sat funny at the dinner table

and my dad said, no. And I said, why, why not? I want you to call me crazy legs. He says, cause I named you Chris. And I said, yeah, yeah, I know. But like, it'll just be my nickname. And I remember meaning this and being like, you know, but I please. And my mom was like, no, we're not calling you crazy legs. And I said, will you just call it, call me crazy legs while we're at the dinner table then? And they agreed on that. But it lasted one fucking, one dinner time. Because I like set up a whole thing where I was like, I'm going to ask them to call me crazy legs tonight.

And then when we did, and then they called me crazy legs like once or twice. And they ended up calling me crazy. And I was like, no, call me crazy legs. And they were like and then they called me crazy legs like once or twice and they ended up calling me chris and i was like no call me crazy legs and they were like oh sorry crazy legs dude what what fucking little bitches are kids you know like i really wanted my name to be crazy legs my nickname and then i wanted to change my name when i was like fucking 11 to Damien Monroe. Cause I thought that that sounded so cool because like Marilyn Monroe is beautiful, but also Damien was like the fucking dark, like the,

another name for the devil. So I was like together, dude, that's the shit. What a piece of shit I was just living living in like a fucking three-bedroom house and wanting to change my name to Damien Monroe. Like, imagine if I did that, how much I would hate that now. Comedian Damien Monroe.

Oh my God. That's what rappers do, but then they just stick with it. They're like, yo, but I'm still Styles P. And then he's 40 and he's like,

fuck man, I wish everyone just called me Sean. Chief Keef is like fucking 18 right now. Finally rich. But like in fucking, when he's 50, people are going to call him chief keef huh huh no spinners are gonna be gone in a week though man by the time this podcast comes out people

are not gonna know what the fuck spinners are these fads jumping on the fucking bandwagon and just it's like so annoying dude remember pogs Half of you don't remember pogs because you're not old enough. For fucking six weeks, pogs were the shit and the good pogs were worth like fucking $200. And I had some, I got pogs and I would slam them. You set up a bunch of stacks, you set up some stacks and you try and you have a slammer and then you slam the stacks and whatever pogs flip over, you get to keep it was like a game it's kind of fun a little bit but there were like all sorts of pogs like eggs men pogs fucking comic book pogs those were a lot like mostly then there were like troll pogs

and shit and you would just get together with your friends and do that if you were bored out of your mind but it was like a fad for a while fucking pogs dude i still have some pogs probably probably not i never had really good expensive pogs though um but yeah these fads dude that's what i'm hoping that these fucking things are like coachella and also burning man and shit but they're not though they've been around forever it's hard to come up with something that fucking stays the course of time you know what i fucking They're not, though. They've been around forever. It's hard to come up with something that fucking stays the course of time. You know what I fucking actually, speaking of standing the test of time,

I hung out with, because he's in the movie I'm in, is with RZA. And it was like, I was like geeking out, dude. I mean, I love Wu-Tang, but I also specifically love RZA. And he's in the movie. And I was out to dinner with a buddy of mine. And then I got back to the hotel lobby and the director of the movie was there. And he was like, he's foreign, but he was like, hey, do you want to join? And I was like, sure. And he was like, Bobby is coming down.

And I was like, Bobby? And he was like, RZA, he's coming down to hang. And I was like, oh, I just don't always, i always imagine a foreign person is lying to me so i was like oh cool and i was like he's not gonna come down but sure enough he fucking came down and i had like dinner with riza and we were bullshitting back and forth like for an hour plus dude we were trading like war road stories of course his were way better because he knew odb but um old dirty bastard but yeah we were like fucking telling road stories and shit back and forth which was insane to me to talk to rizza about this like i mean this is like a legend legitimately in hip-hop he's like

dr dre of fucking new york i mean this guy so, then I saw him the next day on set and I asked him to take a picture, which I felt like a fucking big idiot, you know, but I had to, cause he's so cool. I was like, yo man, do you mind if I take a picture? And he said, sure, why not? And he did like a karate chop to the lens. But you know, and, and I swear to God, he looks younger than me, man. Black people don't age, man. He looks fucking younger than me. I looked like RZA's fucking dad's friend. Like, that guy's been around forever,

and he fucking, it's just not fair, but he looked dope, and he was dope, and I literally, it was crazy to me that I was sitting at a table with RZA just bullshitting. He asked questions of me about being a comedian. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? It was awesome. But I identified with it. I was like, didn't you just do a show here in Toronto like three weeks ago? He was like, I don't remember.

I was like, dude, didn't you just do a show here in toronto like three weeks ago and he was like i don't remember and i was like dude that's exactly how it is um but yeah that was one of those moments where i fucking geeked out uh all right i'm gonna check these uh um what do you call it um come on twitter uh congratulations pod hashtags i'm gonna check these out right now i i mean come on man pod is this right congratulations pod yeah here we go oh did you know what yeah this is actually a good one from kelly joiner at kelly a joiner congratulations you got the name that you wanted um yeah i did notice this actually somebody was tweeting me this too i mean it was her john claude van damme she says did you know what john claude van damme's real name is because i was making fun of him last time about having a twitter his real name is jean claude

camille francois van varenberg i mean come on, dude. Why so many names? Are you five people? Are you the chief keef of France? Jean-Claude Camille François van Varenberg. Van Varenberg, you know? Like, not enough for just Varenberg, but like Van. Anytime you have Van in your fucking name like it's a cock um everyone's showing me the ting drinks i think they're in london or some shit oh by the way have you fucking seen this fucking cat

tongue thing that people put in their mouths and lick their cats with? Like you put, it's like a rubber thing. Jack Boris, at Jack Boris tweeted it at me. Need your thoughts on this, please. Congratulations. It's made from high quality, soft silicone. And it's for licking your cats. You bite it and then you fucking lick your cat and i guess

it's supposed to make your cat feel like comfortable because their their mom cats and dad cats lick them yeah that's fine but you're not a cat you're just a guy that's so weird you're not a cat you're the cat's owner be the cat's owner. Be the cat's owner. Hey, also, why don't you fucking paste glue hair all over your body and go like this? Meow. Sometimes even when your cat's not around because you're

a cat now? It looks so dumb. I'm going to actually tweet it here. I'm going to save it to my thing and tweet it in a little bit. I'll tweet it when I fucking drop the thing. But actually tweet it here i'm going to save it to my thing and tweet it in a little bit i'll tweet it when i fucking drop the thing but uh this person made a twitter account just to see congratulations pod that's very cool thank you colleen um yeah don't do don't do uh okay here's another one from damon de cistern at oh Oh, that's just hilarious. His fucking thing is actually at change it. Underscore 100. Very cool. I like that. Very meta in a way,

kind of who would you want in your dream group text? That's a great question, dude. This is maybe the best congratulations pod question I've had. What a great fucking... Okay. Well, Jean-Claude Van Damme, no doubt. A hundred percent him, for sure. I'd want Jean-Claude Van Damme. I'd want like...

I think I'd honestly want Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, to be totally honest. And then one person who loves, is like a hippie. So we could just like, I could get all of those action heroes' thoughts on the hippies, and then also shit on the hippie with all of the action heroes. And then shit on the action heroes and see what the hippie has to say about that. I feel like that would be my Bill Maher show, but in group text i think that would be great and or like i would like to hear like what obama or

trump has to say about all the things too like maybe one of them because i guess you can you can do uh what do you call it you can do uh You can have as many people in a group chat as you want. Some people don't like group chat texts. They're like, oh, get me out of that shit. I hate group chat. Like, fuck that, man. What are your thoughts on people who put ball sacks on the back of their trucks from Victor at SlickVic93?

Well, obviously, you know how I feel about that. That's really dumb. Click Vic 93. Well, obviously, you know how I feel about that. That's really dumb. If you put balls on the back of your truck, like that hang and shit, and you do it to show what a man you are and you actually think it's cool, you've definitely sucked a guy's dick. Like, there's no question you've secretly sucked a guy's dick because you're trying to be like the most man dude ever that you've definitely fucked a guy so if you have the ball funny fun ball kind of balls on the back of your truck you fucked a guy and that's okay but you did that okay so congratulations you fucked a guy um

everyone's tweeting me this too that's so funny twitter twitter um yo judge judy um someone's tweeting me about judge judy russ's wicker and they're saying this guy has a bad tattoos on his face which he does because pretty much all face tattoos are bad tattoos but um dude judge judy if you if you were to go on judge judy or like what do you like what is that what is it like so somebody i think somebody owes me two thousand dollars because they fucking landscaped my place wrong so i take the fucking landscaper to to to court and i fucking have to sit in front of judge mathis it's a tv show and then like the judge mattis is like hey man no you you owe them two thousand dollars and i'm the landscaper i say oh well no because this was just a tv show see you later is

it a real job i don't understand it's entertainment judge it's entertainment and i guess they're real judges so they have to pay i really don't know about that shit but judge judy every time i fucking think of judge judy i think of the old commercial shirt where she was like you have a job and the guy was like no and she And she says, get one! And then fucking hits the fucking gavel. Dude, that shit's like 25 years old. I didn't even know. Somebody's asking me if I've been

on the Toronto subway. I don't even know if I've been on the Toronto subway. I didn't even know they had one until like the fucking two days before I left. on the, what, the Toronto Subway. I didn't even know they had one until like the fucking two days before I left. This person, Eric Ellenbrook. Would you rather watch a fashion show

full of Met Gala fashion or Kentucky Derby fashion? That's a good question. I probably would rather watch, well, what do I dislike more? I probably dislike the, I don't know, man. I dislike the Met Gala, but at least that's like raising money for fucking,

but the Kentucky Derby is just like rich people showing off their fucking, what's on top of their heads. Like the Kentucky Derby, like with the fucking hats and shit and the dresses, and they're all there dressed up like that to watch horses? I mean, right? Yeah, no, I know it's a horse race race but why are you wearing that at a horse race if you put on a fucking hat to watch a horse i mean what kind of weird rich person shit is that to put a fucking bougainvillea on the top of your head to watch a horse imagine aliens if you went to Mars and we saw aliens

putting plants on their fucking heads to watch other animals, we'd be like, whoa, that's some crazy weird alien shit. These people look like assholes. They have like front doors on their hats. And they're watching something named Here Comes the Show. That's a horse name running with a fucking four foot two person on top of them.

Dude, I mean, how weird does it get? There's literally nothing more white than that. To get a fucking $3,000 hat, put it on your head and watch a fucking horse that has the name of a sentence race with a fucking small person on top of it and then to bet on it bye that's the worst um so anyway i think i'm about to wrap this shit up um but uh yeah that's a crazy fucking thing. Next week, I will talk about the, uh, I don't know, maybe the MTV Music Awards, although I don't think I'm going to watch that. Uh, it's Sunday.

I'm recording this on Sunday. Um, oh, uh, the KC Zoo, Erica Lane, at ENL13. The KC Zoo has free-roaming kangaroos. That sounds like the worst idea ever. Not trying to get speed-bagged by a demon. Yeah, dude, that's crazy. I hope somebody gets fucked up by a kangaroo. I mean, I don't really hope it, but I hope something happens,

like where kangaroos scare somebody and they're not allowed to do that. Free-roaming in a zoo? Yeah, animals, though. Either I'm an animal then they're not allowed to do that. Free roaming in a zoo? Yeah, animals though. Either I'm an animal or they're not animals if there's free roaming kangaroos in a zoo. All right, that's it. I'm done here. Thanks for listening. This has been Congratulations Episode 15.

Next week, I will have a lot to talk about. I'm keeping these podcasts coming to you. If you can, tweet about it. Congratulations podcast or you can tweet it to me. Congratulations pod. That's the hashtag. And you can subscribe. That would help and download the fucking websites And also tell people to listen to it

because I don't think I'm going to fucking keep doing it if you don't do that shit. I'm not trying to threaten you, but, you know, I've got a lot of shit going on. So I want to keep doing this. I like it if people are listening. So rate and review it. That helps. Subscribe to iTunes. We're on Stitcher, Google Play, all that shit. And my baby,

thanks for listening. And tune in next time see you next week this has been congratulations for the podcast congratulations congratulations Congratulations, motherfucking Bob, you big fucking fucker. Motherfucking Ray is a motherfucking child, motherfucker.