Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 151. This Is My Life!

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

Today Chris discusses being in You, Goodfellas, pre-security restaurants in the airport, having a baby, Mariah Carey, speaking gibberish, Volcano and Dante's Peak being released in the same year, box office bombs, and we name an elder! Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Doing those ads. We make money doing those ads. Dude, my voice is beautiful. What's up? It's episode 151 of Congratulations. And you know how we do. You know how we do.

But it's going to be a fucking maybe a good episode. But who knows, dude? Who knows? I'm going to be in Chicago New Year's Eve. Come celebrate with me, my babies. We've got three shows. Two of them are sold out. One of them, the last one, is at, I think, 10 o'clock on New Year's Eve.

And let's bring in the new year together. Now, people always say ring in the new year together now people always say ring in the new year together and i don't know really what that means because it should absolutely only be bring in the new year because you're bringing in the new year you're not about but um yeah ring in bring in they're just losing a b bring in ring in, bring in. They're just losing a B. Bring in, ring in, ing in, ing in, gin the new year. Don't give a fuck. But come up with me, Chicago. Go to chrysalia.com to get tickets.

And that's what's up. And if you come out, come with me. Dude. Dude. Oh. Convict music. Whoa. North Carolina and South Carolina. convict music whoa north carolina and south carolina south carolina north carolina um but yeah so uh that's that's what we're doing uh in new year's eve and so if you're getting go get your tickets i'm pretty sure that third show that well it's actually the fourth show in

chicago theater but i'm pretty sure that'll sell out well, it's actually the fourth show in Chicago Theater, but I'm pretty sure that'll sell out too. But so get your tickets now. I just saw the You trailer. I'm not in the trailer. Does it make me upset? Yes. Am I still in the show? Yes.

Did I convince myself while watching it that am I not in it because of the fact that I'm not, maybe the love interest? Yes. But then there's other people that aren't the love interest in the preview? Yes. Is it all right? Yeah, it's fine, dude. I'm still in it.

But anyway, that's – I'm in you and it premieres in what, a week is it? What is it now? Yeah, about – well, no, 10 days. So that'll come out, and I can't wait. I don't know if I'll watch it. I will watch it. But the thing is, I don't always watch the things I do. People come up to me, and they're like, hey, saw it, and I liked it.

And I say, okay, don't know. Or they say, hey, saw it, didn't like it. And I say, you know what, don't know, because I don't know. or they say hey saw it didn't like it and i say you know what don't know because i don't know um but anyway i'm in that and i can't wait for it to come out to be in that sexy show even though it's definitely uh a wild uh thing i remember talking to um joe i'll say joe because it's cool because i feel like he's talking to the uh actor that plays joe you know you know um anyway i was talking to him and he um i was like dude did you think it was crazy like reading that script especially the time now that it has to do with like um a stalker and like he he like kills and stalks women and shit.

He was like, yeah, I was really unsure about taking it. I think he turned it down at first, he said. But anyway, the fact that they make that show good but still about what it's about and still make you want to kind of, yeah, I don't know if you root for Joe. It's a fucking interesting show, man. But it's really good. This first season, I didn't see the second season first season was amazing uh and it's so bingeable man uh but you should check it out before you watch this second season of you but to make me want to watch a guy who stalks women for however many episodes 10 episodes and i'm and i don't want to be like, oh,

fuck this guy. I don't want to watch. This is really a testament to the writers and the producers and the directors and the actors in the show. So good job on that. And I'm in season two. So check out season one before you see season two. And I don't know.

Besides that, you know, what is this one let's try this one oh in the beginning oh this fucking thing dude made me laugh so much this guy in the beginning he's trying to say and he's saying so many different things than in the beginning okay this is a popular youtube clip so in a cc1 vc1 in the benign wrong in the in the bini in the benign and wrong twice yeah yeah yeah like you nailed it yeah no that wasn't like you know that that was like yeah no i know i know i fucked up. And I'm going to, I'll try it again.

But I know. This is the word I have problems with. Let's start it over. In the beginning. Yeah. In the beginning. Yeah. Testing it.

In the... Testing it. In the... The other guy. In the... Yeah. Yeah. In the... Yeah. In the... Oh, he waddles.

Oh. In the... Oh, a guy's got a real problem, huh? A guy's got a real problem, doesn't he? Wow. Now, I want to say, look, here's the deal. It's probably not his first language because of the accent. I get it.

But, ho, still, dude. Hey, how about still? It's one word. It's letters. You got letters in your language, right? Put them all in that order and just say those. In the beginning. In the beginning.

In the beginning. In the beginning. In the beginning. Wow, dude. If you haven't seen this video, I want you, if you're listening to this, I want you to imagine the guy who's doing this. And I want you to imagine the shirt he's wearing. Okay?

Now, I want you to just, the first shirt that comes to mind while you're listening to this. Okay? Right here. In a CC1. Imagine the shirt. In a CC1. I'm not telling you what it is. Now, I want you to just, the first shirt that comes to mind while you're listening to this, okay? Right here. Imagine the shirt. I'm not telling you what it is. Imagine the shirt, okay? Now, I want you to know that's the shirt he's wearing. Because there's only one shirt this guy would wear.

And it's the shirt that's the shirt. And if you imagine it, and you're any sort of smart this is i mean wow dude in the in the beanie in the beaning my favorite parts two of the two my favorite parts are when he goes yeah twice yeah no yeah yeah and when the other guy comes in dude that's just like where is he first of all in the yeah in in the oh god guy's so mad this improper uh he cannot this improper it's beginning never mind the comments first comment legend says he's still been inging listen properly dude in in the listen properly um wow dude that's so funny oh man for some reason that makes me think of the fucking beanie seagull

when he you know this the the goodfellas oh man this made me laugh so beginning here goodfellas beginning scene this is the first thing that he says that he says. What is this? No, I want to say, as far back, he says, as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Right? Let me see. As far back. Oh, God. This.

And then, here, right here. And it's not that. Oh, yeah. Is this it? Sir. Martin. Scorsese. The music.

Does it say it? To the United States. Yeah. To me. All right. Let's get into it to me god damn it to me is this it

god damn it yes I don't know where it is as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster yes we finally got it! Dude, hard work pays off. Babies, hard work pays off. As far back as I remember...

Here we go. As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. That's a pretty good impression, okay? when beanie seagull does it dude beanie seagull he goes as far as back as i can remember as far as back uh this somebody's close to the. Come on. But I ain't going. I ain't going to hear that. He says it.

Whatever. I don't want to fucking look for it, dude. Should have set it up better. Yes, dude. Didn't set it up. Yes. Don't have the time code. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I don't give a shit, dude. I do this podcast for me. I do it for me. I do it for me.

And as far as back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Dude, I don't want to do the work, dude. I want to do the work, and I did the work. You understand? This is my life, dude. This podcast is my fucking life. I live my life, and I say what I say, and I've lived all my fucking 39 years, and then I talk about what I want to talk about in my podcast.

I already did all the work. Comedian through and through. It's dripping down to my fucking 39 years. And then I talk about what I want to talk about in my podcast. I already did all the work. Comedian through and through. It's dripping down to my pores, babies. Okay? So when I go on stage, I got crafted material. Now, am I upset that I said crafted? Yes. When someone says they're honing their craft as an actor, do I get blood curdling mad?

Yeah. All right? But I still do that shit. Don't ever say you're honing your craft if you're an actor, dude. It pays to shit. If you say you're honing your craft, it pays to shit. But I already did all the work, dude. So I got to look up time codes now, man?

No, dude. I'm a comedian through and through. So anyway, dude, listen to my life, dude. As far back as I can remember remember i always wanted to be a comedian s martin scorsese dude why honestly do you listen to that i don't give a fuck dude why do you i'm i'm you know what man i'm losing my mind and it's fine it honestly it's fine because it's fine to lose your mind in this world there's so many crazy people in power right now and it doesn't fucking matter you can be fucking so powerful and still lose your fucking mind look at trump he's crazy he just told nancy pelosi that her teeth are going

to fall out of his i'll fall out of her face that's a president for that ass you can do whatever you want and you know what you just keep getting older and you keep fucking getting more wrinkles and i got fucking not only do i have lower back pain but bro i got tennis elbow now what the fuck what am i a fucking housewife dude i swear to god i have tennis elbow and it hurts so bad right here it's because i fucking did the kettlebells like this and holding them and you're using so many fucking um uh muscle twit those muscles that you don't use, and you're trying to hold it up. And there were so many muscles were firing, man. And then, my elbow said, you know what? We're gonna make it

all tennis, dude. I got fucking tennis elbow now. Like a lady. God damn it, dude. And my lower back. There's other pains I forget about. I don't know, man. All I know is, what I truly know is is if you fucking

well i want to here's what i want to know and this is what i've all been breaking it down to if you get to the airport and you're one of those people that you that that go to the cafes or the restaurants or the Starbucks before the check-in? You're a communist. That's happening in your life. That you go to the airport and eat before you check-in. First of all, the good shit is all beyond security. They know not to... Who opens a restaurant...

Who opens a Chili's, dude, before the check-in? What asshole goes and thinks, Woo! Got to the airport. Let's chill before I get pissed off. Security sucks. Get it all over with. Then go to Chili's. If you're at Chili's before you're fucking taking shit out of your pockets, you're a

legit sociopath. Dude, I did it once because I got to the Albuquerque airport because it's so small because nobody wants to be there because Albuquerque absolutely sucks donkey balls. And I got there a little too early and i ate there at the restaurant bro they have a restaurant a full-on restaurant with a hostess that doesn't say seat yourselves they say wait to be seated because why who burns time at the airport before you fucking check in? Got to the airport way too early. I'm talking about early. You know why?

Because I wanted to get the fuck out of there. That's why. You know why? Because Albuquerque. So I was there way too early, and I was like, you know what? For the first time ever, I'm going to have a meal before I even check in because nobody's even checking in because nobody's in Albuquerque. Because Albuquerque.

Okay? So I ate a whole full meal, like a burrito or some shit, you know, I mean, you know how I like to keep it healthy, but also sometimes it's all out the window when you're traveling, when you're at the airport, it's all out the window. So I got a burrito or whatever it is. And then I fucking, um, you know, what do you call it? Ate it there. And then I checked in and it was all fine. But dude, if you go to like LAX or Logan or JFK and you're fucking chilling before, that's crazy.

What restaurant would open a place up before check-in? It's already hard to have a restaurant. It's like one of the toughest fucking um uh businesses and you're gonna that's like opening up a restaurant like like i you know what i don't i honestly in it's like open up and opening up a beaning in the beaning opening it's it's like opening up a restaurant anywhere in fucking Albuquerque. That's what it's like. In the B-N-I-N-G-I-N-G.

In the B-N-I-N-G-I-N-G. In the B-N-I-N-G-I-N-G. Bro. In the B. Why is he saying in? Don't add eh after in. It's just in. Fucking yourself up adding syllables before you even get to the hard part.

Eenie, thee, beeneen, geene, geene. Dude. Silver bells, silver bells. It's Christmas time in the city. Rimbling. Hear them ring. It's Christmas time. I hate when they do that part when they bend it like that, like they're talented.

Dude, don't be. That all I want for Christmas song is fucking number one again. Mariah Carey, dude. Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey, dude. What's her middle? What's mariah carey's middle name it's mariah carey dude 1994 that shit came out and she was just like all i want for who knew every year fucking dude every single year that shit's number one that shit's number one. That shit's number one, dude. Christmas is fucking amazing, man. Mariah Carey, dude, I swear to God, if I get rich like that,

which won't happen because of this podcast keeping me down, if I get rich like that, dude, I'm fucking dressing like Mariah Carey with long, flowy fucking gowns. I don't give a shit. I'll buy all green shit, only wear green for a year. I'll make up my own language, like straight up. No, you know what? I won't even do it.

I'll just talk in tongues around people. And people will be like, what is he saying? And I'll just be like, flally-po-jit-ion, flally-po-jit-ion. And I'll get mad at people when they don't understand me. What? Flally Pugitian at fucking Starbucks. I don't know. Just give him a coffee. I don't give a shit, dude. I'll buy all the cars and just crash them slowly into a Vans. Just really slowly into a Rite Aid. And then leave them there and get out and Uber some to another, to my other car. I don't, I swear to God to for real, dude, if you give me all the money, shit's changing. Shit is absolutely changing.

These fucking dorks with all this money. They don't do shit with it, dude. Bill Gates is going to leave his kid fucking 10 million. Oh dude, get out of here. Bill Gates, leave your kid all the money, bro. I can't even tell you if I had so much, if I had fucking, of course, no dunce. Naturally, I've got no dunce. But if I had fucking that Bill Gates money, that creme de la creme, right? Steve Jobs, of course, he died. Rest in peace. But if I had that shit, oh, man, black mock turtlenecks out the window.

Dude, I'm wearing no shirt. I'm wearing no shirt and... Fuck it, a Speedo. I'll wear a Speedo, dude. And people will be like, oh, you got that from Bert Kreischer. And I didn't, dude. How about this when people say, the way I do it, it hits different.

Dude, when people say that, it hits, yeah, this selfie hits different. when people say that it hits yeah this selfie hits different dude shut up silver bells river bells it's crimson's time in the city i want to do carols caroling i want to go caroling by myself imagine that dude imagine going caroling and there's just one 39-year-old and he's just fucking, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And dude, and it's just me in no shirt with a chain. Hello, guys. How you doing? And I don't even know the words because who knows the words? Met Dobie comes. Here he's coming.

Oh, here the guy, Drummer Boy comes. He is so holy. In the. Dude. This is my life. I get why you listen to this podcast, to be brutally honest. I always say I don't get why you listen to this podcast to be brutally honest I always say I don't know why you listen

but I get why because I'm loosey goosey dude we're having a silly goose time and you fucking want to have that silly goose time but maybe you can't have that silly goose time because you got rules and you got work and you're sitting at a cubicle but I'll have the fucking silly goose time for you

and you listen to me and secretly just fucking think about this dude secretly maybe you're sitting at a cubicle, but I'll have the fucking silly goose time for you. And you listen to me and secretly, just fucking think about this, dude. Secretly, maybe you're with your family, maybe you got your AirPods in at the gym, maybe you're at your cubicle, maybe you're at a fucking function and maybe you're listening to congratulations, maybe you're listening to me,

but guess what, dude? Inside your heart, inside that inside of your heart, inside the compartment of your heart. Like when I was a kid, I used to have a fucking dream, a recurring dream. And yeah, it was fucking weird. Dude, did I go to sleep and then did I fucking dream waking up and then walking into my basement in New Jersey and walking into the laundry room and then walking into a secret compartment into the laundry room and there was a seance? Yes.

Did I even know what a seance was when I was seven? No. But somehow dreamt it up. The Antichrist. However, in that part of your heart, in the you fall asleep and dream part of your heart, in the basement part of your heart, in the fucking inside of the secret compartment, in the basement of your heart that you dreamt up where you're having a seance. I know you're having a silly goose time, dude.

And I know maybe you can't live that way, but I'll have it for you. Listen to me and we'll escape. We'll escape, dude. Me, you, Jeremy Renner, and a few bikini babes and if you're a girl i'll get some fucking me you uh jeremy renner and um some argentinian guys man they're sexy you ever see them argentinian men have the fucking best chest hair dude because it's like a little bit but not too

much but when they work out it looks good Because it's a little sweaty but not matted, dude I'd fuck an Argentinian guy, I swear to God If I was going to fuck a guy, it would be Argentinian And he'd be six feet and a little bit hairy Wherever you're going You better believe American Express Will be right there with you

Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security Meeting friends a world away you can use your travel credit squeezing every drop out of the last day how about a 4 p.m late checkout you just need a nice place to settle in enjoy your room upgrade wherever you go we'll go together that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply oh what's up that's what's up man so yeah and you know that's all good i got i gotta tell you something dude i'm having a fucking we're having a baby that's right now i don't share this a lot i don't share

my personal life a lot in uh in in uh in congratulations because dude we're just done for a silly goose time and some people may already know this. Maybe some of you do know this. Maybe some of you don't know this because I got some creeps out there that are fans that know the real deal. But, dude, your boy's having a fucking baby. Now, it doesn't make me nervous to talk about it. Yes, because, you know, that's real life.

Yes. And it's not fucking just me bullshitting and making fart noises. Yes. But dude, I'm having a baby. We are having a baby. We are going to be happy. And dude, I can't wait till this motherfucker comes out of my girl. And it's going to be so dope, dude, because I'm going to dress like the baby. And if you think, man, a long time ago in a long time ago in – first of all, I am so excited. When I was in my 20s and I was going to have a baby, I would be a wreck. I would be a lunatic, okay?

Wasn't financially set, wasn't mentally set. But right now, I'm firing on all syllables and I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be. Okay. Are you ever ready to have a kid? No, but you know, that's what's up with life. So I'm here to tell you right now, I'm having a baby dude. And it's a boy. So how fucking cool is that dude? And part of me of me you know i hadn't brought it up here on the podcast because i was a little bit also nervous on how to bring it up and also i was a little bit nervous because when i say it i know my son's gonna grow up and fucking listen to this shit and i don't want him knowing how jerky i am you know what i mean but that's that's it man

and i a long time ago on the podcast i said i was gonna have uh uh uh uh you know my girl when when when i had a family i was gonna have my girl and my kid and we were gonna all dress alike and dude if you think i'm not doing that with them you're're out of your fucking, I'm making them do it, dude. First of all, it would be really easy to make the kid do it because he can't do shit when they, kids can't do shit when they come out, you know. They can't stop you from anything. You could literally have them just eat like, you know, kale. And they will, you know, because they have to eat. It would be terrible to do.

But I can't wait to teach my kids stuff, like real hard-hitting issues, like what to not do, you know. Man, it's crazy to think about. We got all the clothes and stuff. Everyone buys you so many clothes. And every time somebody gives us new clothes, I like this oh i'm not gonna fit in that it's a dad joke but i'm a fucking that's what's up i'm gonna be a dad so dude it's fucking up dude dude holding a kid dude forget it man you ever hold a kid you ever hold someone else's kid

that shit feels unbelievable imagine what it's like holding your kid you probably know because you have kids some of you i gotta learn french though because i'm gonna fucking i gotta learn french before the fucking baby comes so i can just speak to him in french and then this way he learns french that's the one thing man i wish i had one of those like spanish moms or dads this way he learns French. That's the one thing, man. I wish I had one of those like Spanish moms or dads. This way I could know Spanish too because they would just talk to me in Spanish when I was born. But both my parents, they talked fucking English, man. And that's bullshit.

Because now I only know English. But it's a beautiful thing, man. I'm just so happy. I'm just so happy. I legit am so happy. Like, I keep thinking about how great life is, because life rips, dude. You know? And I just keep thinking about how life rips,

and life just continues to rip more and more, man. And it really is a mind state. Like, things are going well for me, but, and I know, you know, I know like things are going well for me but and i know you know i know things aren't going well for everybody and like you're listening to me right now and i don't know if i don't know if you're going through something hard or something or if your life is great you know who knows but if you're if you're going through something and it's tough like i know it's easier said than done but but, dude, I'm out here.

People are out here for you, you know. If you don't have family, if you don't have friends, or if you feel alone, people are still out here for you. I'm putting another one into the world. He'll be here for you, you know. And if, you know, people are born every fucking minute minute so if there's more people maybe they're here for you they'll be really really you can't really they won't understand you because they're new and they don't they don't they don't speak english yet or anything but they will anyway guys um that's what's up and i'm gonna i'm gonna teach my kid how to fucking slam, that's for sure.

I hope his first words are, actually, no, that's not the truth, to just fucking. Oh, dude, imagine your son's first words were a slam. If your son's first words were just like, yeah, that's because he's got a fat belly. Or if you were just like, well, that's because you got fat belly. Or if you were just like, well, that's because you're short, you fucker. You know?

Yeah, well, maybe you couldn't even get into all the rides at Disneyland because you're short. Well, maybe you should only stop. Maybe you should stop eating carbs because your fat got tired around your belly. That's because you're losing your hair. It looks like you don't. It looks like, it looks like, it looks like. In the beginning. Do it.

Tourette's. That's amazing. Anyway, dude, what else? We did the ads. What? Oh, yeah, let's do this fucking elder dude. This was really cool. It touched me.

We'll talk about good times and bad times. This is a good segue into this. We're putting an elder here um here i got an email through my uh um producer on the website it's a log email i'm gonna try to shorten it up for you guys but uh this really this really, dude. Hey, Chris, so I have a different request for you. The title is, subject is my brother. Hey, Chris, so I have a different request for you and the congratulations podcast. To get right to it, I'm coming to you to humbly request that my brother be given the honor of becoming an elder. Now, before I even go on here, let me stop right here.

So many people are like, am I an elder yet? Do get to be an elder that's that takes you a few steps back from becoming an elder okay if you're asking to become an elder that's like you want it too bad it's like the fucking karate guy that's like oh how what do i have to do to become a black belt you're in the wrong state of mind young grasshopper if you have both your eyes on the prize, then you're not using one of your eyes for the journey. Now, am I a fucking, I'm practically Confucius with how I said that. And that makes me just like him because I came up with a cool quote that I just said.

But dude, I actually think I heard that. So I'm not even that smart, but, uh, this guy is humbly asking for his brother to become an elder, which he's putting his self himself aside and trying to have his brother become an elder. So when I listened to that,

when I read that, I go in my head i go i'm listening right because at first hey chris so i have a different request for you i go i've heard it all this is me hey chris so i have a different request for you i've heard it all that's me to get right to you i'm coming to you to humbly request yeah sure bro here comes a joke that's me that my brother be given the honor of becoming an elder and then that's me going i'm listening i'm like that weebay meme oh if i could explain why i believe that you will understand that my intentions are pure and true i'm listening he's talking like he's in a cult i like that as you have a similar

relationship with your brother that is based on your complete admiration for each other i'm listening i love my brother i love my brother as much as gerard but but loves morgan free free and the fucking angel has fallen series um my brother justin day is an air force special tactics airman i'm listening because why because why because he's protecting me literally with the 23rd sts do Do I know what it means? No, because I'm really dumb. But maybe some of you out there do. He was deployed to an undisclosed valley in northeastern Afghanistan in April of 2018

where he was attached to a Green Beret unit. Okay, say he's a tough guy. Anytime I hear Green Beret, I think, okay, if I ever got in a fight with that guy, he would murder me. They were tasked to clear the valley of enemy combatants from the valley and into Pakistan. Approximately a week before he was going to be sent back home, Justin stepped on an IED, which caused him to lose some fingers. His leg above the knee, but also he had lost so much blood that he had flatlined for 90 seconds,

which is, I mean, what do you even say about that? He survived. Thank God. But recovery was a horribly difficult process for him physically, but most importantly, mentally. PTSD is a disgusting thing to see in someone you love especially one that i spent my entire childhood with loving and admiring i can't fucking imagine man uh this is my thank you to you and the entire congratulations congratulations podcast then he says some stuff about me that i'll skip because that just seems like i'm humble bragging. Oh, this is cool. He introduced you to his spec ops team. And with that, you have changed your vocabulary completely.

I'm humbled here. Thank you. Oh, he's trying to figure out a design for a congratulations tattoo. Please know, I know. Yeah, that's too much nice stuff for me. That's great, man. This is so... You know, it's bittersweet.

I read it all. The guy says... I love this. He says... But mostly, I can't think of a better Christmas gift for him than you granting him an elder. I understand if not, because i know how you have chosen elders in the past and they were all deserving thank you for reading all of this i know it's long as shit what a good guy man what a good guy what a good way to come at someone too

there's no rules but this guy is a sweetheart and because of this beautiful letter and because of how selfless you are uh i'm going to make your your brother your hero your hero brother uh an elder and i'm going to send you one too dude because you didn't ask for it uh so you guys are both elders and you can share that together. And thank you for listening. Thank you for your service to Justin Day and Brayden Day. Thank you for writing me this message. And shout out to you and your team out there too, your Spec Ops team. That's just the sweetest, man. And sorry you lost your leg, a lot of your leg and your fingers. man and sorry you lost your leg a little bit of your or a lot of your leg and your fingers uh but just remember that inside the basement in your laundry room in your secret apartment

in your laundry room into that fucking candle lit seance that, you know, life rips anyway. I fucking love what you do for this country, and that's amazing. And, Brayden, it sounds like you're a great family man. You guys, both of you guys, yeah, that's so cool. So we'll be sending you your pins and your certificates. Juanfire will be doing it, and thank you. Thank you so much. All right. That was really sweet what else uh do we have i got a a buddy that fucking does so many fucking herbal drugs

and it's insane dude it's weird like he is like the first to be like, I don't do drugs. But then we'll just be like, hey, there's this new thing. There's this new plant. It's only in Corpus Christi. And literally all you have to do is just eat it. Burn it a little bit and eat it. You want to do it? And I'm like, man, I've never done drugs. He's like, it's not drugs.

It's not drugs. And I'm like, okay, well, I don't do that. And then he's like, okay. And then he'll start eating it and taking some like the herbal pills and then fucking one hour later he's like you're you know what i'm saying because that's the thing dude if you say if you're saying the thing that's the part that's part of what it is and then i don't that's why i don't have gray hair i don't have gray hair on my in my in my beard because it doesn't fucking kissing youthful I'm literally aging backwards and I'm like all right well okay

so I'm not taking that because I don't want to be fucking talking about I don't want to be the guy at coffee bean god it's amazing how how many times I go to this coffee bean and just there's always one crazy person that it's like they have them there for me to fucking just be like I and it's sometimes it's so hard to usually you can tell by the way they're dressed that they're crazy but one person i dealt with two crazy people yesterday one was at ralph's and they go like this uh hey man will you call the cops for me and i go like this no i don't think so man and i went into ralph's and he said okay need the cops and i said all right cool man well just you figure that out there that, that's it. Okay. Now, I knew he was crazy

because he had dirt all over his face. Okay. Also, nothing was going on that was bad and he was asking me to call the cops. Now, all good. Also, another person came into the coffee bean and she had a hoodie on and it was pulled up over her head.

Fine. And she says, hey, can I talk to you outside outside for a second and i said no no no i don't think so i'm just gonna stay here and i got some work to do on my phone and then she looked at my phone and i was just on twitter then i thought about covering up then i realized who gives a fuck she's crazy and she said okay because you know dave navarro and i was like i literally said huh she said can i talk to you outside for a second and i said no i don't think so i'm working on some stuff.

And she said, okay, do you know Dave Navarro? And I said, yeah, yeah. And she said, well, he took my workshop. And I said, oh, okay. She said, yeah, so I'm looking for a place to stay. Okay. What's it have to do with that? Why'd you bring Dave Navarro into this?

She said, yeah, because it just sucks, man. I'm looking for like a donation. I need a place to stay. I'm looking for a donation. And it's just like rough out here. You know, I've been in LA like a long time. And, you know, all the people like Madonna and all those people, they've all covered my songs. And they all, you know, they all cover my songs.

And I've written for them. And it's great. But I just, you know, I need to get a place to stay. Imagine if I was just like oh dude why don't you just stay at my house come on just stay at my house stay at my house hang out well i think it's probably I would get stabbed but whatever what's up with this Top Gun shit is Top Gun you know they keep trying to make

more they keep trying to make remake these shits like John Wick 2 and Matrix 4 sorry John Wick 4 and Matrix 4 is they're coming out on the same day and that's such a good fucking idea and that's so dope because and Keanu Reeves is the best person to do that.

Because you're having both the franchises come out with the number four. Is it the same, not network, production? I don't know. It's going to be so good for both of them. That's why people think it's not good for movies to come out on the same day. I guess it's not if they're completely... Remember that year that that movie

Volcano came out and Dante's Inferno? I think they came out the same day. Dante's... Let's ask Siri, dude. When did Dante's Inferno come out? Inferno was published in 1304. Of course they're going to do the book. And I'm pissed! Yes!

Dante's Peak. That's what it pissed! Yes! Dante's Peak. That's what it was. When did Dante's Peak come out? Dante's Peak was released February 7th, 1997. Oh, dude. Dante's Peak. In the beginning. 1997, they said?

Right? Okay. When did the movie Volcano come out? Which one? You fucking idiot. The one! 1997, right here. Volcano was released April 25th, 1997.

Bro, let me tell you something right now. They released two Volcano movies in the same year. Now that's a fucking bad idea. Now let me tell you why, because here's what happened. One studio, for sure, announced they were making a Volcano movie and then the other studio was like, we gotta make our Volcano movie, and me tell you why, because here's what happened. One studio for sure announced they were making a volcano movie. And then the other studio was like, we got to make our volcano movie. And they tried to beat the other one to the punch.

Now, that makes both of them tank. One of them was starring Pierce Brosnan and one of them was starring Tommy Lee Jones. I believe now all I have to say about that is. Sit 90s. 90s. Dude, if you ever asked anyone what the most 90s thing is, it's that there were two Volcano movies that came out the same year, and one was with Pierce Brosnan, and one was with Tommy Lee 90s Jones that's more 90s than googling 2003 and ludicrous shows up by the way if you google 2003 for real one of the first I made a joke about

this my podcast I googled 2003 images bro ludicrous comes up i'm not fucking with you i did it the other day and ludicrous's face was one of the first google images that comes up look at this you think i'm lying bro and i looked at that and i took one step back and i went cadillac frills i said whoa hold on a second. Did you know how that Cadillac spills? Dude, I made the joke in the podcast, and then I tried it, and then Ludacris' face came up fourth. Prophet. And then Ludacris' face came up fourth. Prophet!

Cadillac frills, Cadillac brills. Boy, just check out how my Cadillac frills. Bro, Ludacris. I can't. The amount I think about Ludacris is unreal. The amount I think about ludicrous is unreal. And honestly, I want to make an honest statement here. If you're in your 30s or 40s and you don't think about ludicrous every few days,

I don't want fucking anything to do with you. That's absolute bullshit. Can you hear that in the thing, you think? All right, I'm getting fucking worked on in my house, and these guys are just drilling and drilling, dude. It's fine, dude, because I'm respectful, and I do how I do, and I have my fucking podcast how I have my podcast, and it goes when it goes. And if you hear drilling in the background background then we're all getting our house

worked on okay uh anyway Dante's Inferno and fucking or Dante's Peak and Volcano came out the same year dude how fuck you is that also don't make a Volcano movie period don't even make one and if you're gonna and you have man I was 17 when that shit came out. And I would be like, dude, hey, guys, this is going to bomb. I always know when a movie is going to bomb. It's so obvious when a movie is going to bomb. It is completely obvious when a movie is going to bomb. And everyone knows it.

And everyone in Hollywood pretends like it's still not going to bomb. And it's going to bomb. Let's look at bombs of 2019. Box office blunders. Bombs. This is like a box office blunders. Biggest box office bomb. Look at this.

I don't even know. Some of these. Hell boy. 2019. With that guy. What the fuck's his name? Great actor, knew it was going to bomb. You don't reboot something fucking five years later. Bomb City.

Hellboy. Bomb City. Oh, Gemini Man, dude. I love Will Smith.ith he's great how did you not know how did you not know um what else is there oh my god what is this oh fucking steel with shack That was in 1997. Yeah. But okay, cool. Water World was the ultimate.

That's the thing. There are these stars like Kevin Costner that just get to the point where they're 50 something. And you watch them and they were killing it. But you're going to put out another movie. And everyone is like, K. K. And they're like, but we're starting a new thing. Waterworld or Gemini Man.

And everyone sits back. And we're like, K. We're like, very softly, we like you. But K. Right? And then all the shit comes out it's got all the bells and whistles but k then you see the first preview you're like k and then you watch the movie you're like okay you know uh let's look up more box office bombs box office bombs 2019 i knew all of these by the way uh okay here we go 16 box office flops this year and their release days dates it's drunk and the release days come on dude i clicked on it damn. According, I don't even know some of these.

All right, here we go. Oh, man, I don't even know these. Playmobil the movie? Okay. Here's the thing. Oh, Dark Phoenix. I actually didn't know about it. I couldn't tell that one because it's an X-Men thing.

I thought I was going to kill it. Replicas with Keanu Reeves? That bomb? I don't even know what that was. Some of these I don't even know what it was. The Kid Who Would Be King? Don't know what it is. Serenity?

Knew that one. Miss Bala? Don't even know what it is. Captive State? Don't even know what it is. Who was in this? Who is this? What is that?

Captive State? The Beach Bum with Matthew McConaughey? Whatever. Hellboy knew it. Don't reboot a movie fucking five years after the fucking last one came out. And it's... What is... These movies are so...

I don't even know what they are. Oh, Tolkien. Yeah, I knew that was going to bomb. With that fucking gorgeous girl in it. Phil Collins' daughter. And the other guy. Dark Phoenix. Let's check other guy. Dark Phoenix. Let's check out this.

Dark Phoenix opening weekend, 32 million. Budget, 200 million. Total global gross, 252 million, though. So why is that a bomb? What's this one? The Kitchen. Oh, I love Tiffany Haddish. Love all those actors.

Knew that was going to bomb. The Goldfinch. I never know. A movie with that much brown in it, with like tan and everything, every room they go in was like golden tan and brown. Any movie like that, I have no idea if it's going to bomb or not because I just don't give a fuck about it. Make more colors in your movie, dude.

Gemini Man. Yeah. It's funny that some of these are bomb. How are these bombs? They're still out. Dr. Sleep, Playmobil, the movie. Oh, my God. Production budget, $40 million. Opening weekend, $700,000. Okay.

Wow. Look at this quote. Critics, best watched running in the background of a play date for preschoolers buried under the noise of kids on imaginations by offering the occasional distraction from a total toddler meltdown. Eh, seh, specifically rude. Tourette's. Tourette's um anyway my friends are fucking Eminem, Al Pacino

and Sylvester Stallone, fuck you they're all my friends dude they're not my friends I know them and I love them and I respect them but they barely know me um I did go to fucking Sylvester Stallone's house the other day, which was the absolute most insane thing that has ever happened.

He fucking wrote me on Instagram and he was like, hey, you want to come over? And he was like, you want to come hang? We're watching the fight. And I was like, sure. And I went. And then, I mean, I don't even know how to tell this story, dude. But I was there and he was like, hey, come on in.

You know some of these guys, and Bill Burr was there. I was like, oh, thank God Bill's there. He's the only guy I knew, and four other dudes that all looked like Sylvester Stallone. One was his brother, legitimately, and one was Michael Strahan, and I was like, what's going on here? And then I'm'm hanging and then all of a sudden behind me I hear oh hey and I look and fucking Al Pacino's there and I'm like what the fuck's going on oh don't mind me oh don't mind me said something like that and I was like oh hey i'm chris and he goes like this hey ow i was like okay and i walk over to the side a little bit and i'm like

what am i doing is everything okay this is a dream and then frank grillo shows up know him joe carnahan no i don't know if i met him before or not but we fucking it felt like I already knew him. Great director. Love The Grey. He did The Grey. Love that movie. Love that movie.

And then Callan shows up. He brought a bottle of wine like a piece of shit. Like, dude, nice gesture gesture but all right that's the same thing that's what Callan is and then he said to Al he was like Al Pacino he was like hey man you were great in the Irishman and I was just like this guy hey really you're really great in the Irishman hey what are you doing hey dude that's Al Pacino of course he was great in the Irishman you fucking dunce he was like oh I, ha ha, oh. And then fucking, I swear I'm hanging out and I look, Stallone's like, look, or something.

He's like, he says, hey, or something. And I look behind me and fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger walks in and I'm like, all right, dude. And then Stallone goes like this. It gets better. And I was like, better? Who's showing up? Frank Sinatra? And then we go to the kitchen.

Guy Fieri's cooking. This is like a fucking weird dream you have. And then, and then, and then, I forget which one it was, but one of Stallone's daughters was like, I can't believe Guy Fieri's here. I dressed up as him for Halloween one year, and I was like, I went as your dad. And then fucking David Blaine shows up and does magic, real magic, by the way, sought with monies. And then fucking Sugar Ray Leonard shows up. It was so insane, dude.

It was so great. So thanks Sly for inviting me. I really appreciate you. Always been a huge fan. Now it's cool to know you as the person and see what a great family and what a great uh guy you are uh it was awesome though uh i don't want to say too much on the podcast you know so i don't fucking but i really appreciated it uh and that's it uh what up did we do it yeah we pretty much did it should we do uh anything else remember the harlem shake remember that shit that That fucking beanie, beanie, beanie, beanie, beanie?

Swipe. I'm white, dude. I gotta work on that. I am actually way too fucking pasty, for real. Like, I saw a picture of myself the other day and I thought, ah, gotta get a tan.

I don't use, um, I don't, I don't use, uh uh what do you call it filters on snapchat or fucking whatever it is um instagram that much uh but i i the other day i think i actually did because i looked so white so that means times are a changing but i'm not even 40 yet dude you know so life is fucking really looking up i can get a tan easily by a fucking tan place i never went to a tan place i should go to a tan place tanning salon salon the nerve that they call it a salon salon always makes me think of my fucking grandma um one time my grandma was fucking like 70 something years old and she got her haircut and she and and she said do you like my haircut and i said yeah and she said i feel

like it makes me look younger that's cute as shit man if you're 78 you kind of can't say that you know you're just 78 i got my haircut a little bit shorter, though. I look younger, man. But I'm the youngest man alive, you sons of bitches. I guess that's an hour. I got nothing really. Well, you know what we can do is, first of all, you can text me. Let me get this here.

You text me on the community, on community. And my number is 818 8 2 3 9 70 87. And then also, uh, you can, um, come see me in Chicago. I want to be at Chicago new year's Eve.

And that's, what's up. Can't wait to do that. Uh, you can get tickets, get tickets at crystal.com, Chicago, Illinois.

I've got three shows. Two of them are sold out. The last one comes celebrate, bring in, ring in, in the beginning, You can get tickets at crystalia.com, Chicago, Illinois. I've got three shows. Two of them are sold out. The last one, come celebrate. Bring in, ring in, in the beeninging. Ring in the beeninging of the new year. Ring in, bring in the beeninging of the new year. 10 p.m., Chicago, Illinois, December 31st.

Get tickets now, crystalia.com. And then I'm going to be in fucking Orillia, Ontario, January 18th and 17th and 18th. I would say 18th and 17th if you're fucking... How about when people do that? That's weird as shit. When they do the last number first. Working on some new shit in Irvine, California. I'm doing a club because I'm going to work on some new shit. I got to start writing a little bit more.

Pasadena Ice House, West Palm Beach florida robinson mississippi for some reason uh and then i got my uh uh las vegas shits i think i'm gonna do the fighter and the kid this week uh because they keep asking me to do it but let's listen to this one more time because this fucking made me laugh bro um and then oh i'm on riffing with griffin fucking uh this week i already did it it's a good calm good conversation about we had it about uh stand up or comedy and shit like that with eric griffin In the Benin. And so I did that. I hate when you... This is one. This one.

Wait, there's one that's fake? In the Benin. This is fake? In the Benin. In the Benin. They're saying this is fake? Yeah. In the...

And then there's a real one. Okay, this is the fake one. In the... Oh, they're saying this is fake? Yeah. And then there's a real one. Okay, this is the fake one. Oh, they're saying this is fake? What's the real one? Original. Oh, this is the real one. Okay. We announced that our membership figures stood at 769,820... That's still funny.

Okay, still absolutely funny. And 70 members down from 110... 100.2 million in 2012. Everyone checked out. Just everyone goes like this. If they cut to the fucking audience, 790, 90, 77, 1.2, everyone goes like this. We don't have to listen anymore.

We don't have to listen anymore. We don't have to listen anymore. He's just saying numbers. We just hang out. Wow, I like In the Beginning better though. Wow, fuck. The original is funny as shit too. Listen properly.

Like it's their fault. That's the best. Wow. Okay. Well, that's it my babies uh we're all great we're having a good time my back hurts and i got tennis elbow but it's all good uh get tickets to see me chrisalia.com chicago that's the next one peoria and chicago and chicago uh and uh subscribe to the youtube channel that helps and it really helps if you rate the show on iTunes and stuff like that. So please do that. My new special is coming up in a few months.

I'm in You. The show You. Second season coming up on December 26th. I believe that's Christmas at midnight. Maybe. Yeah. Christmas at midnight. And then that's it.

And then Army of the Dead is coming up later. All right, guys. You're the best. Christmas at midnight. And then that's it. And then Army of the Dead is coming up later. All right, guys. You're the best. Thank you so much. And that's it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.