Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 152. F My Carcass (Holiday Episode)

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Today Chris talks about interrupting Bryan Callen's set in Phoenix, armpit Botox, monkey bars, other playground rides, Timothée Chalamet, Chris Evans, CGI on Jason Derulo's bulge, and "Cat School." Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Ready and go. I'm drinking water, my babies. I did it to wet the vocal cords. I did it to wet the whistle. I did it to wet the instrument, as Mr. Kelsey would say in my choral class in seventh and eighth grade. Now, he died of cancer.

Is that what we know him by? No. We know him because he was a good teacher. Now, also, he would say, he would have us do vocal exercises, and he would be like, and here we go. And you'd have to go all the way up, then all the way down. And he'd say one, two,

three, and he would do it. And he, and he would make us go with our fingers, like a rollercoaster and do it with our fingers. And when he did it, he would jump. And it was a bitch.

Uh, cause he was 60. Cause he was 60 something when he did it. Never jump. Never jump. If you're 60 something, cause you look so bitch. It's like when that fucking guy, uh, the um doesn't he fuck doesn't he sell

those upside down hangy things the inversion tables or whatever and he does that's why now i'm 73 and i can do this and he fucking jumps and he looks like one of those fucking canadian uh walk signals the canadian walk signals look so hip hop. It's unbelievable, dude. But he does it in real life. And it's a bitch, dude. You got to look it up. But this guy does that.

And then also, OK, I'm fucking firing in all cylinders here. But the Canadian walk signals, the walk and don't walk signals the canadian walk signals are so hip hop it's unbelievable in america it's just a guy walking and in canada the guy's going like this i swear for real look it up fucking bitch um anyway dude uh yeah so wait before i even get get going uh chrisalia.com for uh to see me live, uh, follow the leader tour. I am doing my last three follow the leader tour shows in Chicago, uh, and Peoria. Uh, but there's a few there. I don't know what the fuck.

So anyway, come, come see me in Peoria, December 29th and Chicago. There's a one more show where there's tickets left. December 31st. Come bring in the new year, even though they say ring in the new year, even though bringing is the same amount of time, and there's no reason to leave the B off it. But you can buy tickets. There's a few tickets left for the Chicago show. Help me ring in the new year, and be there with me, my babies.

So that's what's up. And those are the last shows for Follow the Leader. Now, that's crazy. I've been doing this tour for a long long time and now it's finally over we got to follow the leader uh tour shirts uh on my website for sale and oh a lot of you are asking about life rips hoodies they sell out fucking instantly every time i restock them i'm sorry but you know god god what am i supposed to do dude well i don't know how many people wanted the fucking Life Rips hoodie. I didn't know how many people wanted that shit.

I didn't know billions and billions of people wanted the Life Rips hoodie. Billions and billions of people. There was a supply, but there was a greater demand for billions and billions of Life Rips hoodies. The shirts they wanted, too, but the hoodies were, it was unbelievable the demand for the billions and billions of Life Rips hoodies. Billions and billions of years ago, people didn't even have the word rips. Life. Life is where we all come from. And it's a mind state. And billions and billions of people have it.

But not many people know that it rips. Now life can rip for you. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson. And I have billions and billions of follicles in my head that sprout billions and billions of hairs. My head looks like an atomic bomb that went off four seconds ago and it hasn't quite bloomed yet my head anyway probably fucking anyway anyway dude what i'm trying to say is come see me chicago uh and that's it people be getting these life rip people have been getting these life rips uh tattoos all over this guy got the fucking Tupac one that comes all over the midsection

like the thug life shit, on my Instagram I posted it, anyway how do I feel about it, I don't know people are like how do you feel about that, I'm like I don't know, people are like what the fuck, people are tattooing what you say my trainer was like, how does it feel that things that

my trainer, that's why I got the fucking teardrops on my fucking above my knees that's why my hips are crying because i got the fucking workout i got the trainer dude that's why my fucking people are like yo what's wrong why are chris's hips sad oh no that's just his fucking muscle tear looking like a teardrop above his knees anyway so they call me johnny hips chrysal but he he was like isn't that crazy people how do you feel about it and i go like this i don't know and then i go and do a fucking set dude it rips life fucking rips man anyway dude i'm trying to say come see me in chicago but whatever dude it's fine uh we had a great fucking work i got a little secret for you we're recording this before christmas was coming so i don't know how christmas was and i won't have

many christmas stories but it's all good my baby because you don't listen for the fucking holiday seasonal shits you don't listen to my shit for holiday seasonal shits you listen to my shits. You don't listen to my shit for holiday seasonal shits. You listen to my shits because it's stream of consciousness. And for some reason, you won't have a fucking silly goose time. And that's fine, dude.

One time I had sex with a girl and she said, fuck my carcass. And I thought, oops. She didn't know carcass meant dead body. Or she did and her dad left early dude it was years ago i was having sex with this girl and it all was going pretty all was going

smooth you know when you're having sex with a girl and it's all good and you're like this is great this is fucking everything's smooth we're riding this out and everything's hunky-dory and it was in new york city and everything is great and you're riding this out and everything's hunky dory. And it was in New York City and everything is great. And you're in a hotel and it's smooth sailing from here. We're just going to chill until blast off. And this girl chose to say, fuck my carcass. If I was a chick, I would have stopped you know that's something you could say to a chick during sex and the chick will be like um excuse me that's a dead that's like a reminds me of buzzards

but if a dude done it did it a dude would be like oh man Like, oh, man. All right. And just kept going. Dude, fuck my carcass. I don't like to talk about sex on this podcast, man. I know I like to talk about everything, but, man, it was crazy, dude. Fuck my carcass? That's insane. Dude. my carcass that's insane oh fuck anyway um all good you gotta you sometimes though you know when you're like having sex you just let something fly and you're like whoops or if you stutter

you know you're like oh well okay that dried it all up like yeah you like that yeah yeah you like that all right yeah yeah you like that don't you you like that uh you like you like that oh yeah oh yeah and you're like i hope that she didn't and you know she notices because she's like and you're just like is this what's going on and you're just like, is this, what's going on? Um,

I, uh, I was in, uh, thanks. You know, um, take a flight to Phoenix. I was in Phoenix and,

um, Callen was doing a show there. I went there, just so as you know. Callan was doing a show there and I fucking went on stage. I went, I connected with the radio station and I went on stage. They said it was cool and I fucking interrupted his show. That's Brian Callan. A lot of you guys probably don't know who he is okay because he's a young comic coming up 52

and starting to look it's all good callan you're starting to look like politician it's all good you're starting to look like a politician. You're starting to look like an actor playing a politician. It's all good. You are. It's all good. You are. And I went to go do that. And I went in. And there's footage.

We'll release it later. But I don't even want to say too much about it. But, man, let me just tell you this it was so amazing to do that and share that moment with him like he's one of my best friends you know and to see the look on his face like the pure what the fuck but joy but like why are you here and then we started roasting each other just being silly i was out there for maybe eight minutes i let him do the rest of the show obviously i'm not gonna fucking just take it i should have fucking sent him off and just been like i'll do my shit

uh but uh yeah it was so funny dude he in the middle of it he he says, hey, man, what the fuck are you doing here? And I started laughing, dude. He wore a gray shirt. Dude, it's so funny. It was so funny. Dude, here's the other thing, too. Don't ever wear a gray shirt when you're performing. Know why?

A waterfall is under your armpits. Now, Callan, why weren't you sweating? It's either because you weren't working hard or you got Botox shot in your armpits. Now, one time a big, big comedian told me that that's what he did. And I thought it was gross. And I thought, wow, that's gross. And he said, yeah, but you don't get sweaty pits. And I thought, but you man.

Why would you want to not get sweaty pits? Hey, you man. And I thought, maybe I should do that. And he said, you should do it. And I said, yeah. Even though I knew damn well sure would never do it because man. Man, when I was a kid, I used to look

I had a buddy who got that fucking upper lip sweat. You know guys who get that upper lip sweat? What the fuck is that, dude? Just beads of sweat above your top lip hey man it's not hot there hey dude it's hot in your armpits in your asshole and on your feet and if it's hot on your upper lip figure it out don't go outside always have ice on you, okay? Man, dude.

I forget his name, but he always had upper lip sweat. And I would look at that shit, dude. You think I wouldn't look at that shit? You think I wouldn't look at that shit? I would try, even as a kid, to look at that while he was talking. I would try to even look at that while he was talking, knowing damn well he might catch me. But that's when I was a kid, dude. That's how much I didn't give a fuck, even as a fucking five-year-old. I ain't got look at that while he was talking, knowing damn well he might catch me. But that's when I was a kid, dude.

That's how much I didn't give a fuck even as a fucking five-year-old. I ain't got no motherfucking plan. That's why I fucked your bitch. So rude. But yeah, I did that. That's the kind of kid I was, dude. That's the kind of fucking kid I was. And one time I saw fucking Doug, whatever his name was. Oh, man.

One time I saw a kid doing the monkey bars. Hey, children's playgrounds. Make them safer. Actually, I haven't been on a children's playground in a long time. I got to go and just not be creepy. I just got to go chill out and look in like a fucking hoodie. I would feel creepy even being in one right now. But going to a children's playground when you,

Oh my God, they used to be fucking, it used to be like go running through a children's playground. It used to be like going through a gauntlet. I mean, dude, everything was iron. Seesaws were fucking,

you'd go up so high and then you, you'd get the stronger guy on the other side and he would kick up and then your fucking uh butt would just slam into the ground with no kush and it would just like shorten your spine i'm probably supposed to be six foot five except for seesaws also what bullshit is called a seesaw you know um and then there were monkey bars who dug what the fuck was his last name doug something like conrad doug something curtis doug something anyway he looked so much like a fucking doug he was skinny and he was cool i liked him he came over once or twice and that's it really didn't work out you know but uh he was cool. I liked him. He came over once or twice. And that's it. Really didn't work out, you know. But he

was doing the monkey bars and he was standing on the top rung of the monkey bar, you know, the ladder part. And he was just chilling. And I was on the monkey bars like this, just holding it as a five year old. How old must have I been? Fucking eight, just holding it, watching Doug. And he was standing on it

and he lost his fucking foot grip and his feet just went funk and it went bunk and his taint smashed on the upper rung of the fucking ladder and he goes and dude he couldn't speak and i was just like this looking at him and i thought oh no he immediately started crying and then i was like are you i was like are you okay and then he just ran to a teacher that fucking bitch i would have too no i hope he's okay he's probably okay though but but it fucking his tank got mashed the fuck up dude when his tank hit the shit i thought and then it was just it was was so brutal. I literally thought, oh, his balls exploded. As a kid, I was just like this.

His balls exploded. Fuck that. That's not even fun. Dude, you know what I'm going to do to my kid? When he wants to go on the monkey bars, I go like this. Get down. Get down, dude. Get down.

And he'd be like, why not? Because it's not fun, dude. Think about what you're doing. But I like to cross it.'s like walk just walk across walk across on the bottom it's fine walk on the ground from one end to the other but i like to use my hands why think about why dude i'm gonna i'm gonna murder my kid with logic for real i'm 39 what are you gonna fucking argue with me i know about all this Yeah, but I like to do that and my friends do that. So? If they fucking jumped off a bridge, what would you do?

I don't know. Would you jump off a bridge? No? Alright, cool. So what's up now, dude? Why are you crawling across with your fucking hands? I thought it was fun, but I guess it's not. Yeah, you're right now You're right now

Okay What do you want to do Let's get ice cream No Why not You tell me Because you only eat it after dinner Like late at night,

because that's when you want it the most? That's right. Because why? Because you said that's the right time to eat ice cream? Rephrase that. Because that's the right time to eat ice cream? Yes, good boy. Now let's go to the gym. Dad, I'm doing ice cream. Yes, good boy. Now let's go to the gym.

Dad, I'm six. Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, fuck, dude. Dad, I want to wear shorts. That's fine, but also put on a fucking shirt. You can't have long sleeves and fucking shorts. You look indecisive. Okay.

Oh, fuck, man. My kid is going to be like the other kids are going to be like. They're going to think about it. My kid is going to be like saying shit to the other kids, and they're going to be like, they're going to think about, my kid's going to be like, saying shit to the other kids, and they're going to be like, what the fuck is it like at his home? What the heck?

Sorry, I can't go in the monkey bars. Why? Because you could just walk across on the bottom. Yeah, but that takes away the whole fun of it. No. Why? Think about it. Well, I like to use my hands.

Why? Because it's fun to use the hands. Because you're in the air a little bit. I guess that's actually not fun. Never mind. They're just all boring kids because of me. Just like getting calls from other parents. Hello?

Hey, hi. Is this Chris D'Elia? Yeah. Hi. Yeah. So Tommy came home and he had a... I don't know how to say this, but he told... Your kid told him that he's not allowed to do the monkey bars because it's not fun.

And that was your way? That was your rule? Yeah. Okay. he's not allowed to do the monkey bars because it's not fun and that was your way that was your rule yeah okay so um i don't think that that's cool that my your kid is telling my kid what not to do on the playground and that it's coming from you really yeah why well because my kid likes to do the monkey bars well can't he just fucking do it walking across from the bottom? Yeah, I don't know. Look, he's just supposed to do what he wants. Think about the monkey bars and then break it down.

Why is it fun? Why? Because you're in the fucking air? Because you're higher up? Yeah, no, I understand. But doesn't that... You're fucking three feet above the ground. If that's fun to you, then you're a fucking piece of shit. That's like nothing different.

I mean, I guess you're right. piece of shit that's like nothing different i mean i guess you're right it's just three feet if you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again message c2 and then just me fucking eating ice cream with my kid at 11 p.m And then just me fucking eating ice cream with my kid at 11 p.m. Daddy really does taste good at this time. Daddy really does taste good at this time. Make sure you eat too much. All right. Make sure you eat too much so your legs start fucking,

so you get restless leg syndrome like daddy. Ah! And then you can't sleep then you got to wake up or some shit for school even though you shouldn't have to go to school i never wanted to go whatever dude fuck them kids man they don't know shit mine's gonna know so much you know it's fine dude They don't know shit. Mine's going to know so much. You know, it's fine, dude. I don't know. But just... I...

Anyway, I surprised Brian Callen. Anyway, fuck my carcass. Do you think that's ever been said in the world? Anyway, fuck my carcass. Do you think that's ever been said in the world? Anyway, fuck my carcass. Probably not, dude. I like to try to think of probably though. Life has been around for so long. I like thinking about things that have never been said.

Anyway, fuck my carcass. I'm fucking sweating, dude. Because I work hard for you guys. But I am sweating. And I guess, wait, what are we going to look up? Seesaw fails? That looked like a funny thing to look up. Should we look it up?

That looks like a funny thing to look up. Seesaw fails on YouTube? I was thinking about that. You remember that one thing? That would always happen to me, though, because I wasn't that big as a kid. Now, of course beef but like i want to see if there are any ones where the kid fucking really hits his taint oh wow just the fucking stills of this are just amazing how about that fucking spinny one you know what i mean that's just so why are they all metal dude they're all metal

the one that just spins around so fast and and then just and then you got it you your grip just loot because you're fucking six and you can't grip shit but you're like you're gripping and you're the the centripetal force is just too strong that you're like, I can't hold it no more. I'll either throw up or fly away. And sometimes you do both. You just let go, and you just, bah, and throw up all over some other kid doing a fucking swing. Those are the best. What are they called?

What are those things called, those spinning? What are those? No, not merry-go-rounds. The little ones. They're called merry-go-rounds? Remember when my opener thought it was merry-go-rounds. The little ones. They're called merry-go-rounds? Remember when my opener thought it was merry-go-round? Merry-go-round. Small one?

Playground? What? Yeah. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Playground. Playground. Oh, these are so fucking...

Here we go. Banned and dangerous playground. The merry-go-round. Okay, let's watch this one. It's not even going fast, dude. Merry-go-round, playground, fail is what I want. Oh, God, dude.

These are so great. Look at how fast. It's always... Look at how fast it's always look at how fast dude oh shit dude the kid's just bending it fucking so far back like this back like this he's like this that is spinning dude if that shit clipped the pole his head would have fucking flown off like that movie what's that movie the fucking um movie that everybody liked that was just like three movies in one the horror movie last year uh by the same guy who did wow can't remember the movie that he did also. Good.

Yes, my memory's gone. My fucking, hereditary. And her fucking, when the girl, no, for no, I had no idea. The girl, the little girl with the, was just, and then, and her head flew off. That's what was going to happen to this guy. Hereditary, dude. Oh, this kid is just fucked. Look, look look the kid's trying to fucking sneak his that's how you get taller though oh wow okay wait this one this guy is using a fucking goddamn motorcycle to to the motorcycle's wheel to spin the fucking thing.

Look at this. Okay, so he turns the motorcycle on and then hits it. And now the thing's going, oh, and the kid, oh. See, these people, the Deservage scales off the charts, dude. I mean, screaming, of course.

Look at these idiots' kids. And you can't stop, right? You need some fucking... There's always a fat guy there somewhere. What is up with the motorcycle thing? Why, dude? Just adding shit like that is just so dumb anyway dude my my opener said merry-go-round almost said roommate but i'm fucking 39 and i don't have a roommate because i have fucking a

house okay uh roommate i need ginkgo below below i need ginkgo bologna. I need ginkgo bologna. I need bologna. I need some fucking bologna, dude. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit.

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Terms apply. I'm sweaty, dude. Speaking of chafing, I'm going to this hoodie look how I do it I do it like a fucking it's real I know a sexy way to take off my shirt but I didn't do it there but I do I know how to do it one time one time I was I was 16 and I was gonna like kiss this girl and we were like I think I only like got naked with her a little bit but I don't think we had sex we didn't have sex I know we didn't I'm trying to be cool but we didn't and and i was like i gotta take off my shirt the sexy way and i went to nail it the sexy way because there's two ways to do it if

you're a guy and you like are clammy and you don't know how to do it and you like fucking don't know how to you know if you're trying to keep it like a sahara in between your legs then you go like this and you take it off like this and you do like this but if you're sexy you obviously go like this and take it off over your shit now i have long hair what makes it extra sexy is when i take it off over my shoulder from the back my long hair drips in front of my face like i'm in the last samurai and i look fucking dope dude right like picture me on top of you and my fucking long hairs in my face right like that's so sexy like hello is this a romance novel cover or is it just fucking me doing it to you and so when when you

take your shirt off like that you're extra sexy unless you have a belly and it just fucking like my opener and it just goes comes out when you fucking rip it off. Right. So anyway, um, I did that and I was like, this is going to fucking make her just at least open her mouth and go. And I did that. And she says, how come all guys take their shirts off that way? And so that didn't work. But anyway, I was sexy when I did it. Trust me.

I was six, dude. How not sexy honestly is any 16 year old dude, oh of course chick because i don't want to seem like a pedophile but dude any 16 year old dude thinks he's sexy is hilarious i'm just old though you know like that guy fucking um timothy charlemagne that guy apparently is sexy. All the girls, even older girls, are like, no, I see it. But Timothee Charlemagne, dude,

that guy fucking rips. He's like the new Johnny Depp. I don't know, man. Charlemagne, you know? What's up with actors that'll just fucking learn languages to do movies are you kidding me i mean acting is easy as fuck so like usually unless you're playing like fucking king speech you know unless you're doing like a a fucking real crying christian bale thing

christian bale at the end of the fighter best acting i've ever seen in my life where he's just like yeah you know and he just starts crying. You're like, where the fuck did that come from? Anyway, what do you call it? What was I saying about the fucking learning? Like, Timothee Chalamet, I guess, maybe already knew French. Or if not, then he learned French for that fucking movie. The movie about where he was gay with the guy.

Tarzan. And then they made a movie. I saw Bird Earthquake or whatever. It's a Netflix movie with that girl, Alicia. These fucking names, dude. I got to know Russian names now and shit, too. Like, I barely knew a fucking American. Like American.

I got to remember a guy. Oh, he's Tom. He's Bill. He's Bert. He's Hugh. And now everything is so fucking cultural. I got to remember Alicia. Fucking God damn it.

Timothy Chalamet and Alicia Vikander. Alicia Vikander, dude. I got to remember that kind of a name now. Now that's 2019 but you know all is good she's fucking straight up speaks japanese in the movie and i'm just like this chick dude is it just because she's you know european and europeans always know seven languages and americans know only maybe one but this chick was just like, and I was like, this is this fucking what acting is going to be. Dude, I'm sick and tired of people.

How about when fucking Chris Evans learned how to play the trumpet for that movie or whatever, and then gave up halfway through. I heard that shit's a fucking hilarious dude. Chris Evans is my goddamn hero. Not for being captain America for doing a movie where he thought he should learn how to play the trumpet and then gave up halfway through. Thank you very much, Chris Evans. You're the shit for that.

Dude, I want to get that famous. And I will. I will get so famous that somebody will be like, yeah, you have to learn Japanese. And I'll be like, well, hurry fucking got to, dude. And they'll be like, OK. And they'll be like oh hari fucking gato dude and they'll be like okay and they'll be like how's the four days before production they're like how's the japanese coming along and i'll be like oh i quit like halfway through but let's do it i'll just learn them phonetically and then it's just a disaster and also the guy in earthquake bird the japanese dude in earthquake bird straight up looks like fucking arnold

schwarzenegger yep he looks like arnold schwarzenegger there's a japanese guy that looks like arnold schwarzenegger and he's in the movie earthquake bird and my girl and her brother fucking agreed so you know it's true if you you know three out of three agreed yeah he does one fire says it too neko kobayashi looks how are you japanese and also look like arnold schwarzenegger how are you japanese but also look like arnold schwarzenegger how'd that happen arnold schwarzenegegger was in Japan fucking some girls that's why that's Zach anyway dude I wanted to bring up just

because I've been on a tear dude that guy's handsome as fuck look at that guy Japanese dudes when a Japanese dude is really handsome that's it that's it that's it white guys see ya sayonara when a Japanese dude is really handsome, that's it. That's it. That's it. White guys. See ya. Sayonara. When a Japanese dude is handsome, white guys go like this.

I'm out. I'm gonna go to bed. If you're at a party and the shit's rocking and it's just fucking, you know, some holiday party. Imagine you're at a holiday party and you're just fucking, and you got dumb, ugly sweaters on, you know because that's the funny thing that americans do and then all of a sudden whatever the fuck his name is naomi arigato fucking walks in kobayashi walks in with a dark suit on looking like the

japanese arnold schwarzenegger that's it man at the end of the night, he would be saying, I am sorry your girl chose me. And you'd be like, I get it. I fucking get it, man. That guy. If you're a handsome Japanese dude, you got it, bro. You got it. Anyway, I want to talk about this, though, because I've been talking about it on the podcast,

and it's just unbelievable. I want to talk about this, though, because I've been talking about it on the podcast, and it's just unbelievable. I talked about the movie Cats episodes ago when I was in Albuquerque, and it was way before the movie was coming out. I think I found out that day that Cats was coming out, and I couldn't fucking believe it. out that day that cats was coming out and i couldn't fucking believe it okay and i realized that cats is a campy cool campy thing that was supposed to be made as a musical in the 80s i think it was made which is crazy by the way that it was even made in the 80s and not the 1840s okay because you know why because it's such a fucking bad idea to have singing and dancing cats around okay period now somehow it hooked in to the culture or the vibe or the lsd times of the 80s or whatever that it blew up and became a movie or a a musical that everyone went to go see

and there were some fucking jamming songs on it that barbara streisand's got famous singing for one of them you know what i mean memories and that's just a taste okay people ask if i could sing i go you do the math memories you do the math right but calculate that my babies so they did this fucking musical and it blew up now hollywood being hollywood and being unoriginal fine cool they also do cool stuff i get it but most of the part the money stuff is from the sequels and the reboot and shits right now they thought i love the exec that was probably like what about cats and then they were like, yeah, let's make cats. Not thinking about how fucking stupid it will look for sure when they CGI humans with cats. Like standing up upright humans.

No, standing up upright cats with human faces and no teddies and cocks. All right. Okay. Oh, Taylor Swift is gorgeous? Well, let's take that out of the equation and make her a cat. Okay. Now, they did this movie. Now, on paper, sounds bad as shit.

Okay, you know what? Sometimes, I don't know. Sometimes, I don't know. Sometimes, Hollywood surprises me. I'm usually right about this shit. Did I know Speed Racer was going to be a tank? Yes. Was it?

Yes. Is it easy to usually tell a tank? Yes. Gemini Man, did I know? Yes. All right? So they made this movie Cats, and the fucking trailer came out. And once the trailer came out, they should have been like, you know what?

We're going to cut our losses. We're not putting any money into advertisement, whatever, because it was a fucking joke and it looked horrible. Okay. Now, I knew it was going to fucking bomb. I told you months and months ago. All right. It has the craziest, weirdest cast. Jason Derulo's in it bye

fucking what's his name from the late night is in it fine late night show show host maybe a great actor just seems so calculated that you put him in cats bye uh idris elba, that guy is too good. And so is Judi Dench. Don't put him in Cats. Judi Dench did an interview yesterday where she said her fucking character was trans. Okay. And the end of 2019 goes to Judi Dench. Wellch well you know it's because my character was trans okay i i just drank and water fucking came out everywhere but that's how it goes dude when you say stuff like that i ruined my fucking desk now that's what she said okay okay cool judy dench dame judy dench or

whatever oh for fuck's sake when they say like the or fucking sir oh ian mckellen's in it right sir ian mckellen and dame judy dench is in it hey what the fuck they're knights and queens or whatever what are you doing putting them in a movie about cats ian mckellen's in it just like this you know you know the part where he's fucking against the wall and he's just like and you and he's literally thinking it's because of the money that's what he was that so this is a movie and jason derulo's in it which is on fucking real dude it's unreal that they were like well we you know he's popular and he sings and stuff so they put jason derulo's handsome ass in there and then jason derulo did an interview on a

fucking radio station and was like hey man they said, they had to CGI my cock out because it was just too big. Hey, no. No, they didn't. No, they didn't. You know why? They didn't CGI out because your cock is too big. They CGI it out because it's a cock. Okay.

You mean if it was smaller, they wouldn't have? Imagine how weird it would be if Jason Derulo came in just like, memories, and he just had a fucking little nub protruding out of his fucking, between his cat legs. No, man. Stop trying to act all R&B and cats. Dude, that's the thing too.

When a motherfucker tries to act all hard but he's still in cats hey dude you're trying to act hard like you got a big r&b dick but you're in cats you're singing with judy dench dude your cock is gone because it's a cock and this is a family movie okay bye you can't have a cock in a fucking family movie period you can't have a cock in a family movie period jason devore jason devore got his cat because it's cocksy yeah dude you know because jason devore got his cocksy yeah dude you can't that was just the best and then the interview was like oh wow all right so you got your cocksy jot out because it was too big. Okay. Okay. No way. I just don't understand this. You know, you're in cats, dude.

I'm losing my mind. It's fine. Why do you listen to this? It's fine. This podcast is like now you now you have to listen i guess because like it's like a thing and like i make money on it and it's like fucking i gotta keep doing it and like i just told you that like i had sex with a girl fucking years ago and she said fuck my carcass i didn't ever want to do that okay i didn't ever want to do that but you made me understand you know when tupac is like i was raised in the society

and they made me who i am that's exactly what the fuck is happening dude you're the society and i'm tupac and you made me tell you that a girl said fuck my carcass once so what the fuck am i supposed to do now happy fucking holidays i hope you're listening to this with a family i just can't. What you gonna do with that big cat butt? What you gonna do with that big cat butt?

They had to go to cat school, by the way. Which is like, they were shooting Band of Brothers. They had to go to weeks of cat school. And they were like, oh, how cool is it that we got to – we just had to – dude, what? Are you fucking out of your mind?

Just act like a cat. No, but when cats – you know, there was some fucking divorced guy that was just like, well, no, when cats, you know, move around, they move more with the show. You know, you want to lead with the show and bro imagine i had that part oh for fuck's sake that's me in the back what i gotta leave my can i just walk and walk around like a cat well you want to lead with it all right dude are you serious jason are you gonna fucking do this you're just you're cool with this mr fucking rmb ass you're good with this? Mr. fucking R&B ass? You're good with this shit. I know Taylor's obviously good with it. And Idris Elba's fucking

obviously into it because he's fucking 50 and just started DJing. But come on, dude. Dame Judi Dench, of course she is. She makes people call her fucking Dame Judi Dench. Sir Ian McKellen, honestly, he's not even really that into it and he's fucking gay. And it's a musical

um yeah dude oh Juan Fire brought up something on Vulture Ian McKellen learns to sniff I don't know what this is but I'm going to read it

Dowling set up a multi-step curriculum for teaching actors and dancers how to move like a it doesn't even say cat dude to move like a jellicle cat dude a jellicle cat is nothing okay also i bet i know how they move it's just like a fucking cat so get out of here with that jellicle shit. She started with a basic cat anatomy. She started with basic cat anatomy and behavior and then made it more jellicle. No, I'm kidding. I didn't say that.

She started with basic cat anatomy and behavior, teaching people through videos or lectures about the specifics of cat movement. Lectures, dude. Hey, let's try to make it more assholey. She would then have the actors play as cats and instruct them. Imagine you get that part and you're fucking just licking your wrist next to Taylor Swift and Judi Dench. And you're just like, what is my life? What is going on? And then you look over and Jason Derulo is in some fucking tight jeans and off

whites just licking his wrist and you're like what is happening this is real life shit that happened okay she would then have the actress guys for instance to say hello by coming up to one another and bump noses okay are you fucking shitting me okay now walk up now everyone walk up and bump noses to each other i go like this okay i'm but i'm doing it with jason derulo i'm not doing with anybody else jason derulo is my partner in this do you understand me or i'm fucking strut or i'm purring off uh they learned how to sit as a cat and or how to sniff before they see to re also they're not cats dude they're humans so don't need to do that so much busy work shoot the goddamn movie you know put it in front of green screen i just did a zombie movie and i

play a human and i still had to fucking pose in front of green screen and do all this shit so they can manipulate my body however they want to. And I'm playing a fucking human. They react to things less with their eyes than with their ears and noses. Ian McKellen was apparently especially enamored with this part of the process. Just imagine... Yeah, go down more. Imagine just... You hear something, you move your head there you go

okay class dismissed on the day uh on the day we learned how cats greet one another i was paired with sir ian mckelly robert fairchild said the former new york ballet dancer and tony nonny who plays a narrator monk strap said you go 40 now all this would be fine if the movie made $100 million, but it made $6.5 million, dude. This movie made $6.5 million opening weekend. Dude, my friends make more money than that a year. This is cats. Look at this you go four inches away from each other and from each other's face

and from each other's faces and just start smelling and if you like each other you tap noses and rub on each other i'm four inches away from gandalf and we're there for 15 seconds and then i go for it i go in and he goes no no no not yet i'm not ready when i relayed that anecdote to dowling she laughed ian was really very thorough hard working in his cat school he said we did a lot of it with him he's a good actor man i mean you know go up go up go up this is the guy everyone needs cat practice taylor swift less so okay keep going down. How does a jellicle cat...

How does a jellicle cat on two legs? Is that... This is a fucking vulture and they left the word out? One problem Dally ran into at the course cat school, no matter how much the cast trained moving as quickly as possible on four legs

and we trained bloody long. They couldn't move fast enough to make some scenes work. Some two-legged movement was simply an inevitability. As Jason Derulo put it, we're not just regular cats, we're cat people. That is true. And I side with Jason Derulo on that. But yeah, dude.

Wow. on that um but yeah dude uh wow i just love when they when the actors like it's so that's the thing dude acting is not that hard it is if you're playing the fucking real guy the guy that you know or the girl that's like an actual emotional arc in a scene. Or if you're playing somebody with like, you know, if you're, if you don't have Down syndrome and you got to play somebody with Down syndrome, but dude, cats just fucking go out there and prance around. Or like my favorite is when that, when it's like, when it's like a, an army movie and they're like, well, we're going to go fucking three months of basic training and you're like that's just mind-numbing dude it's a waste of fucking time i'll study the scene by

scene why do i need to fucking be out in the middle of the jungle and not sleep in my bed because i you know because i need to hand somebody a crock pot in a tent in a scene. It makes no sense. It makes no sense. Oh, yeah. What does me being at basic training for fucking sleeping over for four weeks, you know what I mean, in wherever the fuck, so I learn how to load a gun? Just teach me how to load the gun. I already know how to load the gun, but I how to load the gun i already know how to load

the gun but i'll do it for your fucking humor to humor you but i gotta be at fucking basic training for four weeks like we i don't know man i just don't it's like they make it's so it's mostly easy acting so they try to busy it up it's like that school report that it's like when you come home at and you're and your mom's like, what do you have for homework? And you're like, I got to do a report or I got to make a poster for a book I read. And then she's like, okay. And it takes 30 minutes. And she's like, that's all as long as it takes. And you're like, that's what they wanted.

I'm like, well, take longer on it. Make it better. And you're like, this is what they fucking wanted. I don't do busy work, man. Like Jen Conroy she did busy work when when i was in like fifth grade i wonder where she is now man maybe she fucking produced her cats wow that'd be amazing good for her if she is good for jen conroy for producing cats the fucking i i need they honestly i swear to god these studios need to fucking hire me to just be yes or no is this movie gonna do well a fucking course not is this no is this yeah

sure yeah it is is this or i'll be good at this too is this movie gonna do well well it's gonna do well in russia you know what i mean why because it's got so many like cars and guns in it. Like that kind of shit. Dude, Jellicle cat. I talk too much about cats. For real. Period. Period. I don't know if I want to fucking talk anymore, man. This is your holiday episode.

I know you're trying to get away from your family, probably because you're listening to this, and you're like, I don't know if I'm going to... Wait, is this releasing today? Oh, it's releasing today. What am I talking about? Oh, fuck. I thought it was going to be after Christmas.

So it is this fucking... We're releasing it now. The day I fucking did it it and i said all that bullshit so i don't know about how your christmas is going to be but maybe you're listening to this on christmas and if you are listening to this on christmas then you're trying to get it away trying to get away from your family or if you're you know listening to this with your family hey family and thanks for being a part of my congratulations podcast uh sorry for talking about uh jason drudel's cock so much on a holiday thing uh and um also uh what else i'm saying fuck my carcass if it's christmas

that's not cool but i'll leave you with this here. Is this okay to play? Oh, boy. He gave me the fucking link, and it's got the commercial on it, dude. I shouldn't even... I thought I have... What's it called? I have a pro? YouTube pro or whatever the fuck it is? YouTube Red?

Leave you with this, you guys. Is this going to get us banned? City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style. In the air there's a feeling of Christmas. Children laughing, people passing, meeting smile after smile. And on every street corner you'll hear now the

fucking words are in white. And the background of this video is white, so obviously it's going to be fucking hard to read the words. So I'm so fucking mad. Obviously it's going to be fucking hard to read the words. So I'm so fucking mad. Why the fuck is such an easy oversight?

Ring-a-ling. Fucking go back and make it darker and then upload it again. Scenes of size, even stoplights. Fucking blink a bright red and green. This person. With their treasures. Who fucking wrote this, a pirate? Hear the snow crunch.

See the kids bunch. And the pedophile wrote this. What else? And above all his bustle you'll hear. Dude, these songs always use words like bustle go fuck yourself silver bells still silver bells it's christmas time in the city you couldn't imagine how many fucking times a picture of a reindeer is shown in this. Oh, fuck.

I can't wait to have a kid and just be like, there, we'd get a fucking carrot from inside. The snowman's done. Oh, fuck, dude. Okay. All right, I'm done. Thanks, guys. See you. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Outro Music