Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 153. Childrens Are Back From The Playground (Happy New Year!)

Episode Date: December 30, 2019

Today Chris talks about New Year's Resolutions, the movie Only The Strong & Paco Christian Prieto, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Segal, Stallone, and Pacino. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions We're taking over one city at a time. So, Chicago, Illinois, I'm here. Your boy's here. December 30th. Got a sold out show. And then tomorrow, December 31st, December 30th, right? Is that what we're doing?

Tomorrow, December 31st, uh, Chicago, Illinois got two shows. Some few, few tickets left, uh, to join new year's Eve. Uh, join me on new year's Eve to bring in the new year. So if you're in Chicago, come see your boy and raise a glass, raise a glass with me in Chicago, Illinois.

Now, when I say Chicago, does it remind me, does it always make, do I always want to, do I always think about Chicago? Do I always think about Chicago? Do I always think about going Chicago even though it's Chicago? Yeah, I do. And every time I do that, do I then think about an old movie that I used to see when a guy was talking shit?

These two guys were talking shit. And I think it was Only the Strong. And the guy who was a bad guy talking like this. And the guy was like asking him questions. And then the line was like asking him questions and then he and then the line was your inner the interview's over and he says job interviews over my friend job interview he says job interviews over my friend and you know the director was like okay all right he's not that's probably the best we're gonna get god. God, what was that? Was that Only the Strong? Was that Baranowé?

Baranowé, Baraná. Remember that movie? Only the Strong. Baranowé. Baranowé, Baraná. Baranowé. That's what they would do. Here we go.

Wait, wait. I haven't heard this in so long. Let's what they would do. Here we go. Wait, wait. I haven't heard this in so long. Let's see how close I am to it. Okay? They go, Paranue, Paranue, Paranatu, tu, tu, tu, Capoeira utaul.

Okay, let's turn around. Wow. They don't give a fuck what they're saying. They do it. They say Paranue fuck what they're saying. They do it. They say Paraná way whenever they want in this song. What if we got fucking flags for this? Playing this. Wow, these guys.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay, and then you're like, okay, so this is pretty much just a song. It doesn't really have a bridge or anything. Okay. Capoeira, you know. Just fight.

Um. S, flashy fighting what is the fucking your interview let's see if we have this your interview is over my friend no only the strong no i don't remember what was that fucking god look up the guys on because i'll recognize the people but while we're doing that um i got a text from my fucking asshole friend brian council i'm playing uh the chicago i'm playing three shows three more shows in chicago chicago theater not him uh that guy that's him yeah see if you can find to be interviews over my friend um so the brian so brian callan is playing the wilbur in boston now if you are in boston and

you are true baby and you're going to see brian where your fucking crystal ear merch you know those are the rules and try to be in the front row if you can't that's fine but this is the fucking text i get i get a video from this asshole brian count today this is the fucking text I get. I get a video from this asshole, Brian Cowan, today. This is what he says. Now, is it not? Here we go. I had a conversation yesterday about that people were making fun of my hair, this bullshit. And they were saying that the debate was, would Johnny Depp be Johnny Depp if he had my hair? You know, what would his career have looked like?

Probably be on TV somewhere. Or whatever they were saying. I agree with that. I think a lot of his... When you think of Johnny Depp, you think of that long, black hair. That stringy kind of bad boy hair. And... Bad boy hair. 52.

You know, he'd still dress as like a pirate. I'm not comparing you to Johnny Depp at all But I had this dream I mean I am a lot like him I had this crazy dream That you Cut your hair And

Everything Dried up You know Somebody was like Did his fucking career You know everything And I was like No

You know And It was such a crazy dream. Don't cut your hair. Do you think you're a comedy Samson? Do you? Do you think that you're a comedy Samson? Like if Delilah crawled into your tent?

Snip, snip, snip. Is that a terrifying sound to you happy holidays buddy I love you I miss you going to the Wilbur sold out some seats up in the upper balcony some seats up in the upper balcony. Some seats up in the upper balcony.

Yeah, so. Go see him. But if you go see him, make sure to absolutely wear the merch, okay? And get those seats in the upper balcony. Is this it? You don't know if this is it or not?

These are just all the scenes yeah job interview is over my friend yeah i think it's schoolyard fight scene dude why don't you let the kid go i just told you my business look at the badass shit kid go what's up with 80s, bro? This isn't it, but wow. Of course this guy's in it. Whoa. Flips. Oh, so 80s, dude.

So 80s. This isn't it, but wow. Who's the guy that says, your interview's over, my friend? Oh, here it is. Oh, wait. This is the trailer. Only the Strong.

Let's look at the most 80s movie of all time. Here's the trailer. Can we play the trailer? Here's the trailer. Only the Strong play the trailer. Wow. Charles Darwin's theory, natural selection, a general description. Anybody?

How about a naturally selected walk out of this boring classroom? Slam them. Slam them. Wow. Slam them. I had no discipline. You must think I'm playing punk. No respect.

Teach him a lesson, man. No one to look up to. You had a job you were supposed to do last night until that's the guy that's the guy oh wow you look up to wow you had a job you were supposed to do last night oh the fucking sound effect like throwing a loaf of bread on a fucking piece of wood you had a job you were supposed to do last night. Dish. Dish. Sexiest man alive. There's no way in hell that that guy didn't fucking die of HIV. For real, look at him.

There is no way. He looks so much like a guy that would fucking die of HIV. It's unbelievable. You had a job you were supposed to do last night you had a job you were supposed to do last night fish one of their own was crazy enough to take them on mr lewis stevens former graduate lincoln high oh he must be a loser then okay let's get started drop the bags drop your skateboard drop, drop your pants. Oh, slam! Well, that's pretty big. I want you to turn that music up.

I said turn it up! I like that. Oh. Wow. So many flips. Wow. So many flips. So many unnecessary flips. Yep, that's true. That's 100% true.

I agree with that. This guy's body. One of these kids' bodies is so, it's a rip, I can't even believe it. How much is like Don Cheadle in this for fucking in the small parts?

And we're like, this is all I know. I'd like to think you're better than that. One way or another, you're getting in that car. I'm not your slave. Oh my God.

One way or another, you're getting in that car. The sexiest man of all time definitely died of HIViv the only guy who got hiv from a woman like that straight male the only man in the history of humanity that had sex, that he had sex with so many girls that he legitimately got it from a woman. Doctor's like, I've never seen anything like it. Does he have scrapes on your dick?

And he's like, no, I don't ever have straight scripts on my dick. And he's like, well, how did you get it? I don't understand. I,

I was having sex with a girl. I come in her side of her and I get the eight. How does it happen? You're just that goddamn sexy. Wow. Oh. Don't have to see it.

Don't have to see it. The have to see it The whole thing is in the trailer Hey Wow They're taking the challenge of their lives And they're turning it into a triumph Of the lifetime One way or another you're getting in that car here find out who that got what that guy's name is and then we'll look up the scene in only the strong with that i can't believe i remember

that that's in only the strong i saw that when i was seven and me and my brother were like job interviews over over wow dude when we were another you're getting in that car wow you can find that scene come on dude it's the part where he's talking to the other guy and he's fucking and they're they're trying to try to make the guy bad guy so if you can't one fire um so wait but but wait let's look up that guy actually let's see what he's doing now what do you think that guy does now? I fucking love doing this, man. What are they doing now, dude? You know what? Oh, fuck that, bro.

Let's remake Only the Strong, and I'm going to be that guy. The interview is over, my friend. That guy, I need to play. See, that's what sucks, bro. Now only really specific actors. If you're're gonna get a guy to play that role like remember when al pacino played a fucking tony montana like that would never happen now this is a fucking white guy playing this guy from wherever the fuck tony montana's from they would you would never who's this guy wow look at this guy this is the sexiest guy ever i i i have to start dressing like this i i told steve trevino

and eric griffin once when i got when i got real fucking famous i'm dressing a lot differently and i've told you guys this and i stand by it and i finally got some fucking a a hoodie and pants that are the same and they're all a floral design and i look fucking boss dude you can't take that from me i got to the level of fame where now i can wear a fucking hoodie and sweats and have them both be the same floral print are you serious yes i can now i don't and i got those the other day and i showed up at the comedy store and people were like wow okay bro and i was like did you think i was lying back then did you think i was lying back then i'm definitely at the fucking point of fame to where i can do that at least now when i level up when army of the dead comes out it's gonna be another step closer to the fucking to

wearing what this guy wears just a fucking straight up leather vest with nothing underneath, nothing underneath. And I'm going to wear that. And if you don't think I am, you're fucking, you don't know me. Okay. Leather pants,

awesome belt buckle and leather vest period. That's it. When army of the dead comes out or if I get like some sort of movie, oh, God forbid I'm ever in a franchise. God forbid I'm ever in a franchise. I'm only wearing a shirt and that's it. No pants. Just a long shirt.

And the shirt's going to have like, you know, that guy wearing that on it. The Job interview guy. Did you get the link of the guy yeah I sent I texted it to you on congratulations text that's the guy I mean that guy is I mean look at the end of the fucking trailer it says

la creator de blood sport oh they full contact and they did all that shit who is that guy does it say Paco? Wow. Paco Christian Prieto. Three names.

Sexy. Couldn't Antonio Banderas would see this guy and he would be like, he would literally kneel down and be like, I guess you are the sexiest man. Everything. And to know when there isas says is like this. He goes up. That's good acting when you're Spanish, for real. What is he? Is he Spanish or am I racist?

He's Mexican. Okay, cool. I'm racist. I'm racist. Everything he says is like this. Oh, dude, he does. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen the movie Assassins with my friend sylvester

stallone yeah and antonio banderas dude what is this guy in what is his name parko christian prieto got it right here silverio play silverio everything is so sexy about this guy i can't even believe it he's in Lionheart with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Street Law Champions that came out in 1997 what's he been in recently? Nothing. Dude what does he do now? Damn I want to know what this is. I want to hang out with this guy

Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lionheart. Let's look up the Lionheart wait we got to fucking find out what we got to find out this scene we have to see this Jobin Terbius over you have to hear this Jobin Terbi is over. You have to hear this. Jobin Terbi is over. And that's final. You know? And that's fucking final.

Let's go to YouTube and find this. I'm going to find it. I'm going to find it for you babies. I do the work for your babies. You understand? I look stuff up. I do research. I don't just fucking...

Here we go. What's it called? Only the Strong. Wow. Oh, here it is. I think this is it. Oh, it's a fan video. Wow.

Wow, he's sexy. Wow, he's wearing the most awesome shit. Interview. I wonder if I just say... Oh, then I'll do it. Here. God damn it. Scene. God damn it, it always... Scene, scene, scene, scene.

Here we go. Scene. Scene. Scene. Only the song. I mean, that music, you know. Parking lot scene. School. Here we go.

Combat, only death strong. Only death strong. Eh, it's not going to, we can't find it. Oh, here it is. Here it is. You had a job you were supposed to do last night. Okay, let me just preface this. My brother and I saw this 20 years ago.

I don't know if he actually says, Jobinterview's over, but that's how it morphed into our fucking brain over the years. If he says Jobinterview's over, I might stop this podcast out of sheer joy. Here we go. Here we go. Hey, look at this.

Wow. The children survived from the playground. Oh! The children are back from the playground. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God. You know what I hope? Like, here's the deal.

That guy, obviously, English isn't his first language. And I'm not one of those guys that's like, oh, you know, oh, a guy so dumb he doesn't know how to speak. How about the fact that he knows how to speak more than one language? I don't like when people are like, oh, you can't even fucking speak English, bro. The guy is smarter than you. He's smarter than me. He knows more languages than I do. I barely know Eng.

Okay? So this guy comes in and does that. But, bro, I want to be – I got to fucking get to the point where I'm doing movies in either Mexico or wherever the fuck this guy is from, and I have that dope of an accent on the other end. Do you understand? I'm just like, Agua Quente a su mejor. Agua Quente a su mejor. Soy el horror del mundo.

And the people from Mexico, they're going like, instead of going, they're going, así. Or whatever. I mean, dude. The children are back from the playground. Do you understand? If I was directing this movie, when that guy did that, I would look to the people next to me and be like, we got it. We need to just cut after this scene. I would be going, yes, fucking yes the childrens are back from the playground so dope dude wearing a purple shirt with the buttons open and the collar out and it's too big

look at this the children survive from the playground. Amazing. Now, for the people listening, do you want to guess if his hair is so long in a ponytail and the top is short? Or do you not want to guess? Because, you know, the other guy standing next to him to his left, to the right on screen, looks like he's there for an audition. right on screen looks like he's there for an audition you had a job you were supposed to do last night you little piece of shit wow it's a very odd added it your family improv did and i respect you man but now there's a guy he's talking to have the same hair yes you piece of shit it's a little piece of shit so fucking hardcore kate was beforehand he was like i'm going to act this honestly the best you ever seen acting and he added you little piece of shit and the director's like okay i feel it i feel it you had a job you were supposed to do last night

you little piece of shit wow silverio your family that's how he talks during sex too Wow. This is how he talks during sex, too, by the way. Here we go. Smack. Wow, ad-lib. Really hit him. Oh. We got a little rebellion going on here. You starting to talk that kind of shit to your brother too, eh? Kalinia? He ain't no brother of mine no more.

And he sure don't know me. That's why you Jamaicans are so weak. Blanket statement. Didn't even act it. Thinks that in real life and added it. Family. I'm going to show you something. Ven conmigo ahora.

Wow, this guy's awesome. You got me in a bad mood already. One way or another, you get it in that car. He's not going anywhere. Oh, first of all, the guy comes out of the bus, the lead of the movie comes out of the bus. What was he doing for fucking three minutes? It's literally right there.

What was he doing? Jerking off? He's like, man, I really want to fucking save these guys, but I got to bust a nut first. You little piece of shit. And he's just like, what was he doing jerking off it's like man i really want to fucking save these guys but i gotta bust a nut first do a little piece of shit and he's just like what was he doing playing fucking nintendo switch get out there i mean these guys the way they're dressed dude they are all dressed for real i mean this guy what's this guy's name sergio cato with the fucking guy's name he's like it's not on the dragon it's the other guy anyway whoever this guy is always dresses like he's going to lamaze class it starts in about five minutes hey santo i should have known you're the one who started this shit oh wow oh well a girl pops out of the bus and then...

Oh, so he was fucking the girl because that's the only excuse why it took him so long to get out there. It took a minute and a half. She pops her head out. Stay on the bus, Diana. Tell you what, Santa. You take my cousin and I'll take her. Mr. Oliveros, you better leave now. See, he got mad. Oh, with his cousin.

Here we go. Oh, he is? I mean, he just punched his cousin. It's a bad writing. I'm trying to be a nice guy. But you know what? He's not going to this class anymore. Dish!

I mean, so much anger. You know what, Santo? From jump, dude. I love when scenes don't go from A to B. I love when they start at B and end at B. When it's like everyone's mad immediately. It's like that fucking scene when in the movies, they still do it in movies, where the cop doesn't like the new cop for no goddamn reason.

Like, I don't know about this guy, but I don't like him. And you're like, why, dude? I'm trying to be a nice guy. Wow. But now you're really starting to piss me off. A lot of people in this town will tell you. Pissing me off. It's not a smart thing to do.

You kind of didn't give us any real starting point, though. You were pissed off. You really started to piss me off. Smart thing to do. Come with me now. Let's go. Oh, wow. He kicked him.

Hey, hey. No more. No more. You want to play, Santo? Come on. Uh-oh. Come armas. You want to play, Santo? Come on. Uh-oh. Come on, you want to play with me? Huh?

Come on. This time I play for keeps. And this time, I don't play. Wow, we knew it. I wrote this. Oh, now they start dancing. Uh-oh, uh-oh, the cops are coming. Okay.

But why are they going to break off this dance? They're doing capoeira. Somebody should win. Capoeira. And a green cop car for some reason. Here we go. This guy's dead. This guy's dead for sure.

Sex position. Why don't you explain to us why we shouldn't run your ass in right now? Something about violating a restraining order, not being within 100 yards of a school zone, I believe. Sex position. If you find me in an emergency office, I just got to pick up my cousin and I'm out of here. It's your choice, Lando. Come on, Lando. It's your life. He's my family, Master. Yeah.

Can't go against my blood. Right. We'll work it out. I promise. Okay. Excuse promise. Okay. Excuse me, officer. Just got to say one more little thing to my homie. Oh.

I'm out of here. Oh, wow. They fucked. You want to war with me, my sir? Oh, this is right. You're going to get one. I forgot there were two lines. There were two lines

that we fucking would do and that was the one. You want a warm maestro? You're going to get one. Says that being said. Oh, here it is more. How are you, Cosita? Me too.

This guy's going to get me too. Oh, shit. West Side Story. They're circling around on a girl. So, where's your capoeira maestra? Good question. Give him a message. Wow.

If he wants to take over my territory, he's got to give me something. Something I want. You think he's going to give it to me? No. Then he better leave. I never come back. Something I want You think he's gonna give it to me? Oh Then he better leave I never came to this room Oh, oh, oh Bye

Bye Alright, dude, I swear to God If I don't find this goddamn pig Wow, this guy really He saw our faces Let him turn into dogs Alright, dude, I didn't find it. Sorry, I failed the babies. It's okay.

I'll find it for next episode because I can't spend time looking at this. But dude, wow. That's amazing. I gotta be doing that. I gotta be doing those kinds of movies. I gotta fucking be doing that. I got to be doing those kinds of movies. I got to fucking be doing those kinds of movies, man. All right.

Should I do an ad? Yeah, I guess so. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies. Celebrate good times. Dude dude i love 80s movies i wonder if it's about me being from the 80s and it being nostalgic like are my kids gonna like watching this shit they're probably gonna be like dad i don't want to watch another sergio cato movie or whatever the fuck what's his name that's the guy from iron chef by the way what's his name again iron chef dude that is that that's a killer gig to have mark de casca the descask descask

the cascos one fire spelled it wrong cool the cascos um you want to orore my throat you're going to get it wow that guy fucks dude he fucks hard Antonio Banderas I don't know who's hotter than either of them scene like when Antonio Banderas

came and did the fucking Des desperado was that the movie was that the movie he did desperado uh scene in assassin but there was nobody was sexier than antonio mandaris honestly was the sexiest in assassins. And that's... Everybody knows that. His hair... Gelled like this, with the fucking pubes coming out from the back.

Like he had a dick on the back of his head. I need to get a dick on the back of my head and kind of, kind of, kind of, uh, uh, what do you call it? The way he walks into a room with guns, dude! You remember this scene where he closes the laptop?

Oh, God. When he does, when he does, okay, I'm going to reenact it on this video here. I'm going to do it. His hair was... Wow. When he does when he does okay, I'm gonna reenact it on this video here what I'm gonna do it his hair Wow the choices he makes oh It's slow motion dude he goes like that this is how he does he goes like this wow that's honestly fuck you hollywood for not having him at least nominated for a fucking golden globe and assassins for that scene dude closing a lap make you don't understand

making a choice that specific is as good as fucking king speech it's as good as colin firth dude colin firth and in king speech and antojo banderas when he closes the laptop in assassins both exactly the best kind of caliber acting i swear to god daniel de luiz would look at that if he was smart and be like wow no honestly that's better than i was in the fucking Human Quilt or whatever the fuck that movie was. Dude, when he fucking... What is he doing with his hand? And it's slow motion when he fucking opens his mouth. Dude, who directed this?

Amazing, bro. Oh, wow. mouth dude who directed this amazing bro oh wow dude and you know benderis is so good because he is equal parts acting of the most intense shit that you can possibly do but also doesn't give a fuck about it that's the best acting you can do especially in the shit he does. Like when you have guns, like where you're fucking like, okay, motherfucker, here we go. Here we go. But then he doesn't give a fuck about it.

He's like, well, what's going on? What's going on? What's going on? You know what I mean? Dude, it's so dope. He'll like, he'll like, he'll bust into a door and his hair will come over his face

and he'll be like, okay, this is it. I might die tonight, but also it's all right tonight. It's all right to get there it i might die tonight but also it's all right tonight it's all right to get there i might die tonight but it's all right to get there that's it i'm an acting teacher now babies i'm an acting teacher now and that is the pinnacle of acting i might die tonight but it's going to be all right to get there that's that's how you act in everything you think that fucking king speech wasn't i i i he wasn't thinking that antonio bandera shit it also helps to be good at acting when you have fucking hair that's long and and it can like go in front of your face when you're

doing like crazy sweaty scenes it's fucking secretly good acting wow man amazing he's my favorite actor what was the fucking Jean-Claude Van Damme Jean-Claude Van Damme dude Jean-Claude the thing about Jean-Claude Van Damme is he's 4'5

4'8 probably he's gotta be he's gotta be 4'8 oh what is going on you son of a bitch Four foot eight, probably. He's got to be. He's got to be four foot eight. Oh, what is going on, you son of a bitch? Hey, how are you? Welcome to my party.

You're like, who opened the door? And then you look down. Over here. Would you like to come in? My wife, one of my wives is making quiche. And then she's like, the quiche is almost done, Jean-Claude Van Damme. And he's like, fucking bitch. That's a good thing, cunt.

Make more stuff. Reader, we're done eating, but I still want you in the kitchen Do you understand Do you guys want to see who can fit into a fair place Do you want to see out of any of us Who can fit into a fair place I bet it's me And then other people are like well that's not fair You're four foot eight and he just goes

Get out fucking bitch Wow dude He goes, hey, hey, hey, get out, fucking bitch. Wow, dude. The vampire's dying. Dude, that son of a bitch. Dude, what is up with that? You got to be serious. What the fuck, man? Action heroes, they don't have that anymore.

That real specific. I mean, Stallone was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so specific. That's why it was so good john clove and i was like gonna kick that son of a bitch by a sense of sword and then seagal the director just like speak up and he was just like i do it with my hands you know when seagal's just doing the shit like he's knitting a fucking sweater and then he just does i swear to god one in some scenes he's just doing like batting like a cat like this dude seagal doesn't even know martial arts he just made up that he knows martial arts oh this is what steven seagal says about Van Damme and other action stars.

Wow. Since you've been here last for Hard to Kill, we've had a lot of action adventure stars popping out of the woodwork. Do you go watch the other guys? What do you think of Jeff Speakman or Van Damme? Do you know Van Damme? No. Oh. You've heard of him. Oh, so mad that do you know Van Damme? Oh, no. Oh, oh, you've heard of.

Oh, oh, so mad that he's bringing it up. You've heard of. Oh, look how mad. You've heard of. Wait, wait, when he says no, no, no. So confident has five girls in his green room right now. And that's what he thought. He literally thought this is what he thought he literally thought this

is what he thought when fucking and arsenio hall as arsenio hall said do you know do you know von dom and steven seagal literally went through this lightning quick as quick as he does his fucking aikido he thought okay well now now it's bullshit because this interview isn't about me he's actually about another action star and that's not fair because this is about me. Okay? I'm the shit. I have four girls in my green room. All good.

And then cocked his head and said, no. Do you know Van Damme? No. That's what he thought right there, lightning quick with his Aikido brain. Wow. Wow. Let's start with him, Steven. What do you think of his work?

As a martial artist, first. Oh, boy. Can we change the subject? Well, I mean, because you guys go back to the... He said, can we change the subject? What a hater, dude. What a hater. ...martial arts world before you were movie stars, right?

I mean, he was like a champion somewhere. And, right, I mean, you... Well, I mean, I just promised all my mentors that I was going to be a good boy. I think that that's a matter of opinion that he was a champion anywhere. Ah! I mean, dude, imagine being that much of a champion anywhere. Ah! I mean, dude, imagine being that much of a piece

of shit. I mean, just be like, yeah, yeah, he's good, he's good. He does his fucking thing. His movies kill. Whatever. Fuck it. Wow.

And I mean, you know, I'm not being catty or anything. I wish the guy all the best. Oh, really? But there are an awful lot of people who say that that's not true. How about Jeff Speakman? Nice guy, huh? Wow. I mean, I was very good friends with this teacher.

You know, Ed Park was a good friend of mine. And he seems like a real good guy, this kid. a good friend of mine and um he seems like a real good a real good guy this kid i've never met him but he seems like a good kid who's the most legitimate hollywood tough guy in your opinion you accept it of course when you say tough guy do you mean martial artists or just i mean i mean steven for real if he was on the street and there was a situation you wanted this hollywood guy by your side because he could defend himself. Greg Kinnear. What?

It's that hard to think of a legit one? Can you think of one? Like he can't even consider another guy. Can I laugh in your face? Oh, what? Cock. Michael Jai White. Can I laugh in your face oh oh what a cock michael jai white can i laugh in your face dude wow dude we're you know what we're learning in this podcast today so many ways to fucking slam somebody before a goddamn fight i mean looks like the children children are out from the playground.

Between that and can I laugh in your face right now? Oh, the fucking sheer cock suck of being polite about being a shithead is unbelievable. Can I laugh in your face right now? Oh, I got to do that. Imagine being in a relationship with fucking Steven Seagal. Hey, can you take the trash out? And just him like this. I have a question for you.

Where do you fucking get off? This house, this house that you're in. With 40 rooms. Who paid for it? Well, what do you mean? I mean, we both... Who paid for it? Well, I just... Who paid for it?

Well, you did. You think I've done enough work? What do you mean for... Do you think I've done enough work what do you mean for do you think I've done enough work yes Steven I get what I get where this is going sure I get it so why would I take out the trash why would I do more work in the house that I that I did the work for to pay for it.

Jean-Claude Van Damme, take it out. Okay, son of a bitch. Can I laugh in your face? Yes. Thoughts on Jean-Claude? Hold on. Really? Yes. Oh, wow. There's more. What? Can I

laugh in your face? Really? Yes. Thoughts on Jean-Claude Van Damme? Can I laugh in your face? Really? Yes. Thoughts on Jean-Claude Van Damme? Can I laugh in your face? Oh, wow. Chuck Norris? I mean, Chuck is in his mid-70s. He's probably 76 years old, okay?

75, 76 years old. Wow. Interesting. I don't know. I've heard that he's not, you know. So, I mean, I don't really want to get into on film anyway uh you know who's a tough guy why i think michael is a tough guy no do i think he's a martial artist no do i think jean-claude's a tough guy or martial artist no why not dude you know like why not the ego on the guy that he can't even speak on another guy that's good is unbelievable imagine if that's how it was in comedy if somebody was just like yeah

what do you think of fucking what do you think of joe coy and i was just like can i laugh in your face right now can i laugh in your face right now ting ting well i don't think so okay what do you think about fucking eric griffin can i laugh at your fucking so Okay what do you think about fucking Eric Griffin Can I laugh at your fucking face right now Did you see a special on Showtime Can I laugh at your fucking face right now Andrew Santino, Theo Vaughn Can I laugh at your fucking face right now

Who do I think is a funny guy Like just on the street Like what the fuck Wow that's amazing Jean-Claude Van Damme is that true he got in a fight with you no it would be like me squashing an ant

it would be like me squashing an ant dude Steven Seagal's fucking like 60 here like get over it I don't know if it was the inquiry but I remember reading something about that. John Clover damn for sure ate his girl's pussy. For real. Because he couldn't fuck her because it wasn't tall enough.

Careful now, I will just look up, unzip her pants, and eat her pussy. Come on. You Larry? Oh, he said he did like a spinning double fist kick or something. If he sees me, he runs. Well, he said that he whooped some Akito ass or something. I don't know. Come on. If he sees me, he runs. Well, he said that he whoops a Makito ass or something.

I don't know. If he sees me, he runs. Here's Jean-Claude Van Damme in his youth. I mean, how could you say Jean-Claude Van Damme is not a fucking martial artist? He literally can kiss his knee standing up. Wow. How could you say that that's so funny that somebody could be that insecure that they can't even give another guy a compliment steven seagal his name i wonder how much money he has he's like a real republican right like he like

for trump and shit i mean of course he is of course he is who i mean a guy like that would love a guy like trump because trump is so fucking you know whatever he is what's that oh right yeah he does the fucking Putin shit. Dude, this is another fucking great, great video. Is this the fucking... This is one I wanted to watch, dude. This video is... Shit, come on.

This video is... First of all, it's called Oh My God, Wow, Oh My God, Full Video. Okay, you know? It's a minute 43 long. But this guy, first of all, he's responding to, does it say it here? Does it, is all the stuff in here? Let me just play it. There's a stuffed St. Bernard on the table for no reason.

I mean, this room couldn't look more. I cannot believe this room. You have to. This room couldn't look more... I cannot believe this room. You have to... She's asking... She's telling him that she's asking she's telling him that she's pregnant I don't know what language it is but she's telling him she's pregnant she says

oh my god wow oh my god so Noah's life is in chambers dude guy i don't know what's funnier that one or the fucking one where the guy goes, okay, in the fucking vine, where he goes, okay. Where the girl just, this is so fun. Hi.

Okay. So insecure. The most insecure thing ever. She goes, hi. Okay. So insecure. The most insecure thing ever. She goes, hi. Okay. No. Hi. Okay.

I mean, he's in a fucking remote jungle, has never seen a cell phone before, and she just is like, hi. Okay. Is it going to shoot me? Oh, no. No. Hi. Okay. Oh, wow. Is it going to shoot me? Oh no No Hi Oh wow and of course he uses the strap The fucking backpack with the strap

Do you use that? You have to use that I use that, I don't fuck around If you got the shoulders on the backpack And you have the strap that does it like this I use that, I use the strap that comes across the chest Do you know why? People are like you're dorky And I go like this, No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

You never know which shoulder is fucking bigger than the other because I'm constantly working out those Rocky Mountains. And you don't know if the fucking thing is going to fall. And I'm a world traveler, bro. I travel so much. So when I put the fucking thing on, you don't know if the right strap is going to come down or the left strap is going to come down because my shoulders, you know, the fucking Lord of the Rings were shot on those motherfuckers. So I clip it and we're good to go strap it clip it good to go strap it clip it good to go that was so dope and i saw that fucking uh strap in the front of the backpack was you was was uh came out i was like that you know what that changed the game bro you know what i

thought when the strap came out and there's somebody's like you could just strap it and i was like oh you could do that in the front they go yeah and i went oh my god wow i fucking love it dude okay um so anyway dude do you guys have new year's resolutions? I don't, I don't know if I do. Sometimes people are like, I don't believe in, I don't believe in it. I don't say that. It's not Santa. New year's.

Here's one by Shelby Ballen. My new year's resolution is to stop wondering if I'm good enough for other people and start wondering if they're good enough for me. Legitimately only a girl would say that. That's so weird that that's such a chick thing to say how many times has i think probably fucking 75 of women have thought new year's you know what you know it's time to stop doing wondering if i'm good enough for other people and start wondering if they're good enough for me you cry a lot that's what that means you cried a lot last year um you know you're not gonna come january 4th she's gonna be like does he like me like dude i love news resolutions because they go

they they fucking burn in flames in january 6th you know here's another one by we just fucking i don't know one fire sent me these uh my nearest is gonna be to stop going above and beyond for people who won't do the same for me there you go there you go there it is and that's a dude oh now okay there's a version of a dude that would do that a guy who works out so much and fucking has such fucking big muscles let's say doesn't seem like he has that crazy big muscles but he has some big muscles wow dude oh my god wow that he said that you're a guy bro my new year's resolution my new my new year's resolution is to is gonna be to stop going above and beyond for people who won't do the same for me oh my god wow dude that is insane to think that just live life dude if you're if you have to how do you do it how do you think that for real like also thinking it this is when he wrote it

december 26th like the next few days he's not going to be doing that you know that's my favorite part he's like well it's not jerry first technically that. You know, that's my favorite part. He's like, well, it's not January 1st, technically, so I'll paint the guy's house. Here's another one. Here's another one. Let's go to. I like these. These are good. This is.

Oh, it's really, really, really fucking annoying that every time I click on it, it goes to the browser and the browser opens up way too low and I have to drag it up. Wow, this one sucks. This is the worst one. Fuck a New Year's resolution. Commit to daily excellence. Like the guy doesn't fucking jerk off and lounge around sometimes. Like the guy doesn't fucking think like, I'm going to kick that guy's ass sometimes. Oh, and then someone wrote under it, this slaps.

Come on. 2019-ass shit, this slaps. Come on. 2019-ass shit, this slaps with fucking three fire emojis. Ah, shut up, everyone. Commit to daily excellence. Dude, the phrase daily excellence can go fuck itself for real. It's just as bad as this slaps. Well, look who let the children out of the playgrounds. Commit to daily excellence, huh?

Yeah, you think it slaps? Fish! Let's see this one. Fucking stony smokeware. Roll a blunt and start your New Year's resolutions early. Ah, got no job. That's weird. It's from stony smokeware. Smokeware.

You know? Here's another one by Kizgo. My New Year's resolutions, stop doing hardcore cocaine and move on from my divorce. Keep your heads up, queens. Your crown will slip. Oh, gonna die in 2020. My New Year's resolution? Stop doing, by the way, who calls cocaine hardcore cocaine? Well, look who let the children out of the playground. Do you know there's a solution to stop doing hardcore cocaine

and move on from divorce? Keep your heads up, queens. Your crown will slip. I hate sayings, dude. Keep your heads up, queen. Your crown will slip. Let's see that fucking... There's like two replies.

They're not good. All right, let's see that fucking, there's like two replies, they're not good, all right, let's see another one, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to spell Massachusetts, you're not fucking, you're not creative, oh, this is Rachel Senate,

I don't know who this is, but she has a blue check mark, New Year's resolution, tits and ego get bigger. Okay. Some perv writes under it. Which one first? Some guy writes under it. Why does every girl want their tits bigger?

I just do not understand. Well, you're a fucking moron, sir. Dude, why does every girl want their tits t-h-e-r-e why does every girl want their tits bigger s-ruined the English language here's another one

uh a hanty from a news resolution I'm simply going to be hotter that's a good one won't go to the gym once you know here's another one uh news resolution stay single sad can't get a man obviously you know and and and now has to act like it's her idea wow amazing news resolution stay single wow amazing news resolution stay single um

uh what is fucking okay anyway what is oh wow brendan shop just texted me something that was way too long okay cool cool man thanks for texting me a fucking paragraph i'll read it later uh i'm on um this thing on new year's eve also um on nbc where they talk where they do the year wrap-up, I did it with Brent Morin. It was fun. They always ask me shit that I've already talked about on my podcast, so I'm always like rip-roaring to go. What the fuck?

Create your account on Twitter? No. Log in. Thank you very much. Log in. Not sign up. Pissed. Pissed.

Pissed. Pissed. Already logged in. Got to hit it again. Fucking yes! What do you guys think about you? I'm in that. pissed pissed pissed pissed already logged in gotta hit it again fucking yes oh what do you guys think about you i'm in that man so many people watch that show you so many people watch that show it was really a hard to shoot the scene the last scene because it was how i was well i don't want to ruin it, but, uh, it's a cool fucking ending.

Uh, and, um, but you should watch you on, on, on, on, uh,

what do you call it? Uh, whatever it is, Netflix. So many people watch it. And, um, I had a good time doing it.

And also, I did fine. People are saying I did a good job and I really appreciate that. Thank you very much. Your boy's an actor, dude. Your boy's gonna, your boy's an actor.

Oh yeah, he gets on stage. Oh yeah, he does fucking way more shows than Brian Callen on stage to bigger crowds. But your boy also is an actor. Let's not forget, dude. I love doing that kind of shit. But anyway, I'm on this Toast 2019 on NBC and they put this clip on there right now. Until I heard his podcast. They talk about the...

I did not realize how good podcasts could be until I heard his podcast. This is The Thing About Pam. As wonderful as Keith's voice is on television... Places to hide a body. It was even better on a podcast. And then, in the middle of our interview, and there was one time where he said

Pam, and it had like three syllables in it. You meant really everything to do with Pam. Oh! That was the time where I was like, man, this guy's the goat at talking. Pam. Chris. Chris.

Chris. It's cool how I look dead in that. I'm white. But yeah, so they put me on there, which is cool. And it's hilarious that they put my fucking podcast on NBC, which is ridiculous. That's so funny. I'm 10,000 followers away from 1 million followers on Twitter. That's cool.

You know, tell people to follow me, I guess, so I can get that. Who cares? Dude, Jared Leto. What the fuck, dude? He posted on Twitter, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays with a Santa hat on and no shirt. And it's like, that's too sexy. What are you doing, bro? Hey, you won an Oscar.

Hey, what are you doing? I don't know if I think you won an Oscar. So fucking what you're doing is the shit. Or you won an Oscar. So what are you doing? Because you won an Oscar. It's so weird. He's doing.

He did that. The lack of humility from people is just. Wow. And then i wrote you want an oscar lmao what's going on okay god damn it's weird but he you know he's a good actor anyway dude uh that's what's up for for today happy new year everyone and if you're in chicago come see me tomorrow night ring in then bring in the new year uh you guys uh i'm i'm having we having a good time in in in chicago uh where's the ending one this one oh here uh you can text me still and i text back uh well i try to text back man you guys are so many but there's fucking over 70 000 people texting me but uh 818-239-7087

uh and you can uh support by buying merch at the merch store crystal at crystal.com oh and we're restocking the life rips hoodie do we made a double order and they sold out even quicker i don't know what's going on people you guys love those hoodies, which is great. But Peoria, Illinois, Chicago, Illinois, Orillia, Ontario, for some reason, Irvine, Pasadena, West Palm Beach, Robinson, Mississippi, Roanoke Park, California, where is it? And Las Vegas, Nevada. All chrisley.com, get your tickets on there and you can go do that and they make great gifts or whatever.

But you guys are fucking great. Thanks for listening. And Job Interview is over, my friends. See you guys. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob. You're a beautiful man. I'm a beautiful motherfucker.

I'm a beautiful fucking child. I'm a beautiful fucking motherfucker. Thank you.