Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 154. I Got That Wagon On Me

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

Today Chris talks about Matthew McConaughey's Instagram, Chet Hanks speaking patois, You, Time To Kill, Ricky Gervais, Rose McGowan, and DaBaby. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. That's how that song should end. One city at a time. That's how that song should end. But yeah, dude, whatever. It's it. It's it. It's lit.

It's Liddy, dude. I actually can't believe how fucking Liddy it is. It's 2020 and it's so fucking Liddy. But the Follow the Leader tour is over, my babies. And that's why we got this in the background right here. We put up the poster. They gave it to me in Peoria, Illinois, Peoria Civic Center Theater. They made me that and they gave me that. And thanks a lot, Peoria.

Now, where are you? Why are people there? Went there for some reason. Why? Max. Now, it's all good. But we went to Peoria. We went to Chicago.

Played in front of 14,000 people Chicago thanks you're officially well boy might be my favorite market one of my favorite markets but I will tell you this Stukald it's one of the most beautiful cities if not I mean arguably the best city in America. However, caveat, this just in. This just in. This just in. We're talking to you live. And this just in.

Hold on. I'm getting something here. Chicago's too fucking cold. All good. 20 degrees. Now, it's 20 degrees. All good. Had a jacket too fucking heavy still wind got in not only is

it cold swindy people in chicago move uh no i love chicago it's great busting your balls but it's so so great uh it's just a great great fucking city man even cold um it's one a great, great fucking city, man. Even cold. It's one of those places where every now and then you'll see a guy not wearing a jacket because he thinks he's the fucking tough guy and you just want to lay him the fuck out, you know? You just want to lay him out. You just want to be like, hey, bud, why are you not horizontal?

Go, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Eh, oh, eh, oh. Eh, oh, eh, oh. You know when they used to when he used to go boink on the fucking cartoons they would go boink and the guy would go and play like an accordion as he walked um that's real that really happens if you do that to a guy what if you were in a fight and you were like all right come on buddy and you fucking went to go clobber him like over the head and you hit him on the top of the head and then he went ow and walked away and went and that's what this podcast is about go listen to npr you know uh anyway dude my one fire just brought up Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner best moments, you know?

It's a cartoon. So anyway, yeah, went to Chicago and it was great. Did three shows because we had to fucking double it up and double it up and keep doubling until they kill me. And so we had one show that we're going to do them all in July. And then we could only do one because I had to shoot that movie uh army of the dead that hasn't come out yet and then um so we moved the rest of the three over to new year's eve and they all sold out so it was awesome it was actually fucking awesome to be in there in in fucking chicago or if you're a real cock, you'd be like Chi-town or Hotlanta. Same people who say Hotlanta say Chi-town. I say Chicago and Atlanta.

Anyway, and for Peoria, I say Hawaii there. So I did it on New Year's Eve. The ball dropped. My balls dropped and then fucking stayed in Chicago for a wedding the next week. And we were in Chicago for fucking too long and it was too cold. And my fucking lips were chapped and my nose were chapped and fucking nice, dude. My nose is chapped not just on the bottom but in the upper part, dude. Nice.

Fuck yeah, dude. My nose was so chapped. Yes! Dude, you ever have your nose chapped? People are on their lips chapped shit? Fuck that. I leveled it up. It's 2020. My nose is chapped. Not even the bottom. Bro. The top.

That's like at the end of the uh, what's that Matthew McConaughey movie in court where you got big and famous for it? Time to Kill? Is that what it was? And he's just like going on and on. And then your daughter was raped, and then she was beat up.

And then now imagine she was white at the end, and you were just like, oh, man, chilling. That's what it was for me when I did that. And then my nose is chapped, and my lips i did that and then my nose is chapped and my lips are chapping my nose chapped now imagine it's at the top and everyone goes guilty yep that's me dude mcconaughey's lost his mind dude his instagram is just fucking absolutely in charge. Matthew McConaughey's Instagram is in charge. Bro, let's just go look at some of his stuff, man.

He makes Garth Brooks look like a fucking tween. This guy. Merry Christmas. Happy holiday season. As we approach Christmas, I'm going to have it back on with my family, my brother, and my mother. Singing, singing.

Someone asked me today, like, oh, so from when to when do you open presents? Is it one hour from like 8 to 9 a.m., 10 to 11 a.m.? Yeah, we know what an hour is. And I was reminded that since my mother's going to be there, we're probably going to open presents from 9 a.m. till about 6 p.m. It'll be a full work day. Yeah, we know what an hour is. Doing open mic.

Two drink minimum. Oh, here comes punchline. least eight or more there we go you're opening one at a time and everyone's watching somebody open that gift and then somebody doesn't want to tear the wrapping paper so they open it up real slow tags right here it could be a nine-hour day tagging it up wish me luck hope you get good presents too oh fucking killing dude absolutely murdering open mic that would be an open mic joke and matthew mcconaughey just fucking killed it and guess if he's wearing a blue suit with a blue vest under it and a blue undershirt with a white collar dude guess if that is true and if you guessed guessed yes, you'd be right. Dude, it is so fucking Texan and also Connecticut to fucking wear a blue button down with a white collar.

It is so fucking unbelievable. Matthew McConaughey,'m telling you I can't wait until I'm this kind of famous and I will be dude just so I can do these kinds of things bro now the problem is you know

when he does the real fucking let's just look at his Instagram he's just so great man by the way big phenomenal actor like straight up busting his balls but the best just real good and if anyone says he's not good eat a dick now does he dress like a fucking superman villain yes always too look at this fucking green jacket he has on instagram with the green turtleneck. Bro, I got to get a turtleneck, man. I swear, I put on a turtleneck the other day and everyone went, oh.

I didn't buy it because it was fucking. Bro, I put on a turtleneck. Two grand. It was two grand. And I go like this, okay, not going to buy this. Wow. It was two grand and I go like this, okay, not going to buy this. Wow, there's a picture of Matthew McConaughey on his Instagram with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson in a lake. Of course there is. One thing's for sure, Matthew McConaughey has never fucked a guy.

He's had sex with 40 women and that's it. Could have had sex with way more and that's it could have had sex with way more but he's just like it's just not the kind of guy i am it's not the kind of style i do always rolling a booger too when he's talking one time when i was in my in my when i was in high school my girlfriend broke up with me broke my heart and then she started dating a mormon guy and and she said he reminded him her Matthew McConaughey and ever since then I think about that all the time and it's all good. So anyway, and it's all good. Now did

she say because his voice sounded like fucking warm molasses and that's such a stupid thing to say for a fucking 18 year old? Yes. Is it all right? It is now. Was it for a few years? No. Now the problem is Now the problem is. Now the problem is.

2020, what's that about? Getting a blowjob. In the beginning of the movie. If you're watching it, in the beginning, it goes like this. 2020, getting sucked and doesn't show his waist because he's getting sucked. Well, if 2019 was. Always shot every instagram video he's ever done twice he did it once and he goes nah nah i don't like that one let's try it again and then did it and then fucking was like yeah that's fine and he always thought i could do it better but what am i

gonna keep doing it that's what he thought every time i know this. This is the important shit in life, man. This is the important shit in life. It's not what the fucking war in Iran. It's not the fucking, you know, I mean, the Australia fires are pretty fucking important. But this is the important shit, dude. This. We don't really know what's going on out there. We don't know.

Do you really know if we should be at war with fucking Iran or not? Do you really know? You got Fox News saying with fucking Iran or not? Do you really know? You got Fox News saying one thing. You got CNN saying the other thing. But you got me telling you I know for a fact just by looking at it that Matthew McConaughey only films Instagram videos twice. That's the shit we need to know. Let's start there, dude. It'd be a lot cooler if you did.

It'd be a lot cooler if you did. Said it on Instagram, dude. Let's watch it again. The beginning of it. 2020. What's that about? Getting stuck. Well, if 2019 was, it'd be a lot cooler if you did.

I'm looking for 2020 to be a lot cooler because we do running for office see you there running for office dude did it twice added that the second time i know how to make it pop did that see you there dude wow see you there is so something matthew mcconaughey would say fucking at the end instead of seeing next year he doesn't like i don't like it's kind of corny when you say see you next year i say see there they see there that's kind of one of my things if 2019 was be a lot cooler if you did 2020 was a lot cooler like cool you did it like a lot cooler. A lot cooler. You did it. A lot of cooler. Coolers. Get our coolers.

2020. Put beer in our coolers. And then somebody just comments, my platonic love. Hard eyes. Okay. What's going on? You brain broken?

Dude, so many people's brains are broken. It's unbelievable. It's fucking unbelievable that people's brains are broken it's unbelievable it's fucking unbelievable that people's brains are broken for real uh uh what's tom hanks's son chet chet hanks chet hanks did you see what he said at fucking some bombaclot. What happened? Whitney sent this to me. Hold on. Where is it? Why is Tom Hanks' son Chet speaking?

Big up the whole island. Massive. Patois. Patois? Cool. It's French. Big up. Big up the whole island.

Massive. It's your boy Chet and I. Coming straight from the Golden Globes, yo. Bro, that accent, that accent say Golden Globes, like dude, Golden Globes is the whitest thing ever. Golden Globes. Big whitest thing ever. Golden gloves. Big up. Big up. Big up the whole island.

Massive. It's your boy Chetana. Coming straight from the golden gloves. You're watching. Big up to the whole island, he says. I think. Big up. Big up the whole island, he says. I think. Absolutely saying nothing. And even people who speak Patois are like this.

That was why Tom Hanks was making that face it was just delayed by the way at the golden gloves when he was like because he because he just saw his son on twitter go big up to the old island that the golden globes are chatting big on the movie on the area yeah big up mr anstead by his day movie on on the area It's not this informer Informer Big up the whole island Your dad's Tom Hanks

Dude Oh he does another one Oh Oh I didn't know he did more. Oh, I didn't know. Why is he doing this? Yo. Big up the youth then.

We're out of Kingston. Me wake up this morning and me see the thing tunnel. Internet gone mad. Respect, you don't know. Me soon follow what I got. Booyaka, booyaka. Urr. Oh. I didn't know he was going to be that sexy, dude.

Said it on the way out of Smoothie King. Not even joking. Walking out of Smoothie King. Big up. Nobody has ever said fucking come out of Smoothie King and said. Yo. Big up to you then. Came out of Smoothie King. Yo, big up.

Dude, I like how he came a little quiet at Smoothie King. He was like, I know people don't do this normally, but big up out to Smoothie King to the whole island massive. Wow. Somebody said blame Drake. Wow, that's funny, dude. Why does he speaking on it? Why is he speaking on that? Also, how old is this guy? Shouldn't he be older?

I've been seeing him this age for a long time. He's only 29, huh? Wow. He has music, huh? Wow. He has music, right? Wow, that's cool, man. Oh, man. You know what? If my son grows up to be like that,

I'm going to fucking do that with him. He's going to be like, Big up, Dada. I'm going to be like this. That's right, big up. Big up. Let's go. What do you want, huh?

You want to go to Jamboree, huh? We're going to Jamboree. Big up. My son here for Jamboree. Hey, what's up? Big up. Big up. To son, here for Jamboree. Hey, what's up? Big up. Big up. To me island master, huh?

Me speaking Patois. Me daddy's crystal here. Me daddy's crystal here. That's why. What happened? Went potty, huh? Went potty in me pants, huh? That's what happened, huh? And that's what happened. I went to potty and diarrhea in me boxes, yeah? Went potty in me pants, yeah? That's what happened, yeah?

And that's what happened, I went to potty, I went diarrhea in me boxes, yeah? I got my, that's why I still wearing the, the diapers, yeah? Me dada didn't stay outside while I was on, while I, while I was in kindergarten, yeah? So I was scared, he said he was gonna wait for me In case I got scared, he left I peeped my head out the door and he left And I got scared and they pooped in me Pooped in me there, but I went there Yeah, yeah, yeah

Boyaka, boyaka Where me fire truck? What happened? Excuse me, I'm a little cranky, I miss me nap time Where's my goddamn fighter truck you too wow dude love it wow chet hanks dude he writes on instagram officially blasted He writes on Instagram, officially blasted.

What does it take to be officially blasted, dude? Man, he got inked up, huh? Oh, I got to get officially blasted for real. I'm only partially blasted. I got blasted on my fucking booyakasha and on my fucking big old movie on the area around here. But I need to get fucking officially blasted. I just need to get the Batman insignia on my chest and just get officially blasted. Patois, you know, that's what I said.

Whoopsie. So racist. Man, I love it, dude. It's 2020, man. It is 2020 2020 how much is matthew kind of i swear i got gonna be like this 2020 man funny thing about that is i got 2020 vision yeah i got 20 that's my hot my eyesight for for the future for 2020 is exactly what year it is. 2020 vision. Let's do it again. Then he does it again. He says, that's it. I don't do it again.

Oh, the freaks come out at night. I get a lot of emails, dude. I'm not trying to brag, but I get a lot of fucking emails. So that's fine. And you guys, it's all good. But I get a lot of fucking emails. I get more emails than you. And I definitely get more emails than Brian Callen.

And also, even though I do, I check them way more than Brian Callen. Dude, I sent Brian the fucking video to, you know, how I went to go on him. I went to Phoenix and surprised him. The video is up, by the way. You can go look at it. But I went to go put my thing on I put it on YouTube and I was like here you go Brian

put it up and the guy just takes too long man this is why he's not playing fucking big theaters because your fans don't feel like they can connect with you because you're not on it bro

get on it boyoka big old brian callanette get on there dude get online and fucking tweet do your shit stop posting 45 photos on fucking facebook bro oh when he did that we talked about this on 10 minute podcast the og shit but dude he posted the best tweet of all time is brian callen i post let me get it the best tweet of all time this is the best tweet of all time dude boyaka the best tweet of all time now close all these bullshits because i hate when they have them up and it's all good but it still happens and it's all good uh best tweet of all time right here here we go uh where is it brian here we yeah yeah here it is oh dude i was laughing so hard this is still the greatest thing that ever happened in there brian con from j July 29th, 2013, I posted 45 photos on Facebook in the album Chicago Improv Sunday.

That was a tweet he did. Dude, who gives a fuck? Imagine 45 photos on Facebook. From Twitter, he posted it. Chicago Improv Sunday. That's minuscule. Nobody's going to click on that shit. It had no retweets and no likes, and then I retweeted it.

Now it's got some from fucking six years ago. Obviously, it has some, but, dude, oh, man, the photos are great. Just people. Just him with people. None of these people even gave a fuck, you know? Half the people thought he was like just, like we're going to see him because they liked him once on Veronica's Closet.

Wow, dude. It's the 90s that they made a sitcom called Veronica's Closet because of Victoria's Secret. Anyway, here we go. Summer is like a cocktail. It has to be mixed just right. Start with a handful of great friends. Now add your favorite music.

And then, finally, add Bacardi Rum. Shake it together. And there you have it. The perfect summer mix. Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately. Drink responsibly. Copyright 2024. Bacardi. It's trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately. Drink responsibly. Copyright 2024.

Bacardi. It's trade dress and the bat device. Our trademarks are Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting

friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express.

Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. O'Brien account still posts like that back then? Okay, cool. Anyway, Booyakasha, you know it's all good. So it's on my YouTube, D'Elia Crashes Callen's Set. Subscribe to my shit, by the way. So, yeah.

Our podcast is killing, dude. It's killing people are watching and listening more than ever the babies are growing and that's because of me okay of course but also you guys are helping okay let's look i'm not gonna be like this would this podcast exist if it wasn't for you guys yeah i just wouldn't film it or even record it it would just be me walking around talking sometimes i wouldn't even say this stuff i would just keep it in my head but now it exists out there for the public because of you that's where you guys come in now it exists because of me i'm not gonna be like one of those corny motherfuckers that's like i I couldn't do this without you. Of course, dude. But I could.

I could, but it wouldn't be recorded. It's recorded because of you. And you help grow this cult. You guys help grow this cult. You guys keep it. So my pockets are fat making fun of Matthew McConaughey. If it wasn't for you guys, my pockets go on a diet. All right?

Now, we need my pockets to be bulging like that ass on Instagram. You saw my shit? Did you? You saw my shit? I didn't know my ass looked like that. But it does, dude. I've got that wagon on me. I really do.

but it does dude i've got that wagon on me i really do i walk backwards and you you'd swear it was 1812 i walk backwards and you'd swear it was 1812 because a stage coach was coming if you see me at the park with my dogs you think is it 1812 you go hold up is it 1812 and then someone says what and they say look up there's a stagecoach for some horse oh never mind that's just chris talia with his dogs because oops i got that wagon on me me um yeah but my shit is thick bro for a tall drink of water dude look me in my face and say my i don't have that wagon on me look me in my face and wagon on me what's that noise Chris is backing up what's that noise dude Chris is coming to get you what's that noise, dude? My asshole's a mouth. I see a plate of food.

You kidding me? I'm running for fucking mayor one day for real. Swear to God. And I'm going to use that clip as my fucking commercial in black and white. Like how they're going to try and diss me do you really want a guy and i go and and i'm gonna have it like that and just me going oh my assholes a mouth i got that wagon on me you you think it's 1812 and then it's me and i go like this yup you're goddamn right you do vote for me hell yeah dude and i'm so serious dude uh so anyway dude uh that's right

i do have a wagon on me and i don't know what i was talking about i kind of devolved into the thing go up here move out move it on up there we go anyway i have an instagram you can follow me it doesn't it doesn't matter it doesn't matter I have over 2 million followers on Instagram I got over 1 million on Twitter so that's great dude so that's good alright but yeah dude

a lot of people started commenting you is a big show the show on Netflix you is a big show a lot of people are commenting. You is a big show. The show on Netflix, You is a big show. A lot of people are commenting. I'm commenting Hendy. I played this creep Henderson or Hendy on You and a lot of people are watching this shit. It's crazy how big the show is. Um, but thanks for watching because it's cool as fuck. Uh, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, um, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta figure out what to do next. You know, I'm glad I got other things coming. My fucking, my, my, uh, my, uh, what do you call it?

My specials coming out. Just got a tentative date for that. And it's in a few months, guys. Sit, sit still. It'll come out. Don't know what I'm going to call it? My special is coming out. Just got a tentative date for that. And it's in a few months, guys. Sit, sit still. It'll come out. Don't know what I'm going to call it yet.

Not sure. Don't know what I'm gonna call it yet. Not sure, but it's coming. Uh, let's see what else happened here in, uh, in the thing.

Dude, did you guys see that Pope slap? My God, I've never seen something so bitch. I've never seen something so bitch. I mean, first of all, you know, something is going to be so bitch i've never seen something so bitch i mean first of all you know something is going to be so bitch when it has to do with a 90 fucking something year old man you know what i mean i don't know how the old the pope is how come a pope can't be fucking 22 you know why does the to be 110. Look at this.

Look, she won't let go. Hey, hey. Hell yeah, dude. That's gangster. He didn't even hurt her, dude. Here's the thing, man. You probably pulled his arm out of the socket. Now that would piss... Look at this. Look at this. She grabs him. This is a slow motion she grabs him

ow she hurts him this idiot let go dude she makes me mad she deserved a little fucking on her hand that's what you get dude what if he just fucking decked her face what if he goes ah and just goes and she get and she goes bloody and she goes like this and everyone goes oh and he goes bitch and walks away and you heard it quietly wow dude imagine that i here's the thing here's the thing i'm not religious at all i'm not catholic i grew up catholic but then when i had to go to church so much and everyone the and the fucking church and the pope and the priest was always going ah i'm like i i'm a head out you know here we go oh man i wish i was my me now as i was then because i would be as a kid i would just be like

stop doing that or if they brought communion i'd go nice cookies and uh let me tell you something though i'm not religious if goes, ah, and then smacked her like that and then walked off, now he says, Pope Francis, sorry for hitting women's hand on New Year's. Bro, if the Pope goes like this, guess what? She got what she deserved, not sorry. All of a sudden, I'm religious, okay? I'm taking a vow of celibacy. I'm not fucking my girl. I'm a Pope. Okay. I'm a Pope. I'm a, what do you call it? Priest. All of a sudden I became

a priest because that's respect. Dude, stand by for, stand by what you do. That's why Ricky Gervais needs to be the Pope. He killed it. It's so funny. People, let me what you do. That's why Ricky Gervais needs to be the pope. He killed it. It's so funny. People, let me tell you something. He really killed it from all. He was killing it. Everyone was laughing. Not everyone was laughing, but the pussies were not laughing.

A lot of people in Hollywood need to save face and they can't be seen laughing at that shit. But you know that shit's funny. This article, opinion, Ricky Gervais on the independent. Ricky Gervais cheapened the Golden Globes and overshadowed vital political statements. From who? From who? A guy with a show on Hulu? Hey, dude.

See ya. From who? The chick from fucking Fargo? Catch ya. Who gives a fuck about an actor saying anything that they wrote that's so annoying and another thing

in times like these this is a test you don't give a fuck. Gervais killed it. It was sharp. It was on point. He was funny and confident. Dude, here's the other thing.

They're acting like he cheapened it. Some people, the fringe, is acting like what he did was immature. Do you know how hard what he did is? The answer is no. I know how hard what he did is because I'm a comedian. It is so fucking hard to roast a room full of people at them, about them, and make them laugh at all. And he did that. Also, no political statements from actors are vital.

Whatever Cuck wrote this is just unbelievable, dude. I'm so tired of cucking ass motherfuckers. Just so tired of cucking ass motherfuckers. But guess what we found? Somebody posted this. I told you I'd post it. Hey, Santo. Your interview is not over yet.

Oh, he said bin-terview. Hey, Santo. Job interview is not over yet. I told you we'd find it. The babies came through, dude. Hey, Santo. Job interview is not over yet. How did he add a B in front of interview?

But that's some gangster shit. So, yeah, did that Pope slap, though? I got to get religious. I wish he did. Well, why'd she grab me like that why'd she fucking grab me like that critics dude critics at all though critics at all like to critic criticize they don't understand they most of the time make it worse for themselves. Like it's just going to add fuel to the fire. Oh, this was a good one, dude. Oh, this was a good one.

They did it on me. Somebody reviewed my act in Chicago. I tweeted it. Somebody wrote, where is it? He said my stuff i talk a lot about um i talk a lot about uh what do you call it uh uh the sensitive times and how it's okay to make jokes and shit like that and the guy was was saying um i shouldn't i i my my my whole act is to say people get offended at everything. People get offended at stuff that I say in my act and it's not offensive.

That's my whole point. And somebody wrote – and this guy wrote this whole thing. It was like, yeah, it was funny and Chris D'Elia did a lot of funny stuff or whatever the fuck. But it really took a turn down, turn for the worse and became not funny when he started talking about how people are offended at things when he doesn't even have offensive material. Oh, hey, dude, are you making my point for me? That's exactly what the joke is, is that I'm'm not offensive yet people are offended and also because i do get all the time people say i'm offensive all the first of all you listen to this podcast you guys have never heard this podcast i say that i say shit that people get here look there it is and i was making fun of critics in the thing i say hey look a critic being upset that i'm making fun of critics the fact that he said it was funny until i brought

it up i love shit like this i was waiting for it can't wait to people i have this one bit in my act that people will blog about sometimes about how it's offensive and shit and then i because that happened i started talking about it in my act and I start commenting on the times and how everyone's sensitive to everything and this guy was like oh dude it's just so missing the point it's amazing how much critics can just

they just don't get it dude you know what I mean and I'm not trying to be defensive I understand this probably sounds defensive you know if you're a hater of mine or whatever the fuck but like dude to say you're making my point for me how does that happen how does that happen that somebody misses a point so glaringly obvious um yeah it's just

someone's saying i i say people i i say in my act like people get so mad for people saying certain things and it's ridiculous and then the critic says it's so ridiculous he's saying that we can't say something you know why because what you have isn't a job that's why if you criticize comedy it's not a job i don't know the guy's name but it's probably fucking spencer or some shit you know uh but anyway it's so unreal, though. I'm loving it. Yeah, dude. It's just weird. It's like being like... I don't even... Whatever.

Everyone's so insane, and they think their opinion matters so much. It's so insane. Like, what Rose McGowan wrote on Twitter is just this. People don't realize that they're helping the exact opposite side that they think they're hurting. The fucking Iran. Imagine giving a shit you know what maybe giving a shit about rose mcgowan and what she said on in in about iran is not uh that far-fetched or crazy people care what people say, but here, dear Iran, the USA has disrespected your country, your flag, your people.

52% of us humbly apologize. Well, that's not true. We want peace with your nation. We are being held hostage by a terrorist regime. We do not know how to escape. Please do not kill us. What do you mean? That's as simple as it is what do you mean you can go anywhere you have a passport you got money and i hate that whole if you don't like it then leave because you have a life here you're not

going to leave i get it You can complain about the country. Obviously, some people think it's in the shitter. Fine. I don't even take issue with that. But if you were ever going to say, if you hate it, then leave, to anyone, this fucking one right here. I mean, 52% of us humbly apologize.

Bro, don't put me in any percentage. Okay? Do scream seven. We are being held hostage. The fucking gall, dude. How about people who have been held hostage reading that with like limps and shit

and their tongue missing. Just like, wow. They're just like, whatps and shit. And their tongue missing. Just like, wow. They're just like, what a fucking bitch. Then they're just thinking, do scream seven. Some guy without a tongue in the fucking Philippines just like,

do scream seven. Do scream seven. Just so ridiculous to tweet something like that. And it's so weird that people, uh, God, she's so angry.

See, that's the thing. People don't, she, she is legitimately growing. See, that's the thing. People don't... She is legitimately growing the right. She's mobilizing the right. She is... What she basically did was, you know how I take the Metamucil

to congeal my fucking bowel movements? That's what she did to the right on that tweet. She's the Metamucil for the right. She's the Metamucil for the right. She's the Metamucil for the GOP. That's what she did. Right there. She just goes,

hey, 52% and the right just went like this. Come on, come on, come on. We got to get together. We got to get together. Oh, you? Are you on the, you don't know?

You're not sure if you're with us or not? You just decided you are. Okay, cool. Come on in. Here we go. Now let's fucking get this ready. That's what she did. It's unbelievable that people fucking...

About his shit. It's unbelievable that she said that. I stopped listening. I stopped listening to myself because I just read a headline that said, DaBaby was arrested. In little cuffs. Wow, dude. DaBaby and his crew.

There's a rapper that's really popular named DaBaby. DaBaby posted a message on his followers on IG about his recent arrest. Please stop talking to me about that weak-ass 48 hours I spent in jail and that failed attempt to break my spirits and interrupt the path. You know what, dude? How about this? I don't give a fuck. I'm not reading the rest of it, okay?

Da baby. There's also Lil Baby. Okay, guys, figure it out. Why don't you guys change your name to Carl? I fucking, was that the coffee bean the other day? This is what I want to talk about, and this is a real other day. This is what I want to talk about. And this is a real thing, dude.

Okay. I want to talk about this. Um, I was at the coffee bean the other day and this girl I know saw me, said, hi, hugged me. And then that's it.

The whole rest of the day. I smelled like goddamn perfume. Ladies, why are you going to do that? Why are you doing that? Why are you pouring a whole bottle of cologne on your left shoulder why doing that dude it's so annoying that's that to me that's the equivalent of the guy picking the party the picking the guitar up at the party and playing for everybody why do i have to smell what the fuck you want to smell. Wake up, shower, get dressed, get out.

Why do I, why does my nose have to fucking be under attack by what the fuck you think it should smell. Dude, I'm letting everybody smell what the fuck they want. I'm not telling you what to smell. Do I fucking rub smoky meats all over my fucking fantastic shirt before I walk out of the day because I want people to smell smoky meats? No. So don't do it with perfume. Dude, perfume fucking sucks. It sucks, man. It makes my eyes water it makes my right

shoulder smell like i want to smell like high school all day long the chick fucking that i used to date in high school she wore that shit heaven from the gap fuck that shit school she wore that shit heaven from the gap fuck that shit and now i gotta smell like a fucking department store because i'm at the coffee bean and some girl thought she would pour half a bottle of whatever the fuck it is some gold shit you know some gold looking perfume that she just doused on her right shoulder. And now I got to smell like it because I went to go. I decide because she decided to fucking terrorize my nostril.

You know how annoying that is to put perfume on. You think you're better than someone if you put perfume on. Here we go. Everyone smell what's nice. You don't know what I think is nice. Put the guitar down we're all talking having a conversation and you're gonna just spritz it up i'm at a fucking cafe man

chemicals and shit when you spray your shit like that and you walk in and i hug you i'm the jordan crying meme it's so annoying dude cologne and then this is the time to kill now imagine it's cologne now imagine it's cologne. Now imagine it's a guy. Oh. Guilty. Guilty. Send him away for life. Two life sentences back to back.

When they say two life sentences back to back, shut up. Just say forever. No, but it has to be official and we wear robes. I shit all in myself. Dude, cologne. guy, what you doing? You choosing how I'm going to smell? Huh? Joe?

You choosing how I'm going to smell? Some guy? Is that right, Adam? Nah. I'm Chris, and I'll smell what the fuck I i want don't rub fucking smoky meats on me all this makes so much sense i swear to god it's fucking it i love you guys man i probably don't love all you i like a lot of you dude i probably don't even like a lot of you but a lot of you guys some of you guys i probably like a fucking few of you guys and you know what i'm so glad that you're thinking about you're listening to this podcast and i'm gonna keep i gotta keep it real for you guys okay

patricia arquette powerful golden globe speech ism and and her bro okay i didn't hear the i'm gonna actually listen to it I didn't hear the I'm going to actually listen to it I didn't hear the Patricia Arquette powerful golden globe speech text it to me now but uh hold on I gotta open it and I didn't hear it yet now

I did not hear Patricia Arquette powerful golden globe speech go ahead send it to me now but I will say, text it. One fire. And I'm pissed. Can't text it. Can't text it.

Now, the reason why I can't text it is because I'm pissed. Okay? And because he's one fire. Now, it's not showing up on my notes, which is making me what? Even more pissed. Yes! My lats are sore because I did back yesterday and I fucking killed it. And you think I give a fuck about if you guys think that that's bullshit?

Where is it in my notes? It's not. Oh, there it is. Okay. Cool. Got it. Got it. Got it.

Right here. Got it right here. Overreacted. So look. So Patricia Arquette's powerful Golden Globe speech is a must watch now. Okay. Let's just play it first. And it's 49 seconds.

Not too long. Let's listen. Let's listen. Now, it's very important to listen to what. And it's 49 seconds. It's 2020. Let's listen. Let's listen. It's 2020. Now, it's very important to listen to what she has to say about the world politically because she was in that fucking movie with Gabriel Byrne where it was about a fucking person getting possessed. Okay, now let's listen.

We're not going to look back on this night in the history books. We will see a country on the brink of war. Okay. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, and action. States of America. Okay, and cut. Someone should run up and just said and cut tweeting out a threat of 52 bombs including cultural sites young people risking their lives you know who's clapping way way way, way less people than were laughing at Ricky Gervais. Okay? So, hey, independent, suck on those taters.

Traveling across the world, people not knowing if bombs are going to drop on their kids' heads. And the continent of Australia on fire. So while I love my kids so much, I beg of us all to give them a better world. For our kids and their kids. Four people clapping. We have to vote in 2020. Chet Hayes is in the back like, no, no, I don't think so, man. And plead for everyone we know to vote in 2020.

Thank you. Hey. But also I know. Hey. Hey. Here's my rebuttal. You were in stigm know. Hey, hey, here's my rebuttal. You were in Stigmata. Hey, here's my rebuttal.

You were in the movie Stigmata. I remember when I was a kid thinking, what the fuck is Stigmata? Just, all right, you know. just alright you know also I mean saying it with fucking sunglasses on

how are we going to take you serious when your cleavage is sky high when your cleavage is sky high. When your cleavage goes past your forehead. Oh, man. This fucking podcast, huh? We rip, babies. We rip. Oh, man.

I'll tell you what. If I was the host, which I never will be of the golden globes naturally natch natch natch natch natch after that i would have been like this lost highway otherhood holes stigmata nightmare on elm street little nicky true romance toy story 4 flirting with disaster uncle buck bringing out the dead goodbye lover you were in all these movies why you say don't count anyway we'll be back right after these messages the 980th golden globes we'll be back with gabriel burn and holly berry with short hair she's still hot those corny ass mus you know, that they do.

What the fuck is that? I have rips. I mean, I got to win. You know what? I don't want to win a Golden Globe for the clout. I don't want to win an Emmy or a fucking Oscar for the clout. I want to win it for globe for the clout i don't want to win an emmy or a fucking oscar for the clout i want to i want to win it for the fucking speech dude i want to win it for the speech i want to win it so it goes chris d'alia for playing when chris d'alia his first win for playing a japanese man with no makeup in the movie, you know, in the movie Revenge.

No, no. Here you go. Hey, what's going on? Thanks for this. It was all me. I rip. And then I go fucking with my fucking fingers up way too far. Like not like this, how people do it, like up way too fucking far, like some bully in the eighties and a movie you'd see.

And you'd be like, what? That's not even how you do it. I keep my middle fingers up and I go like this and I go like this as I walk off stage. I do. I flip the bird, dude. I keep repeatedly flipping the bird, dude. That's what I do. I love it though, man.

I hope I went, I hope one day I went, I'm a dude. I'm in Hollywood though, man. I hope one day I win. Dude. I'm in Hollywood, though, baby. I'm in Hollywood. And that's how we do. And I never won't be in Hollywood. I bet I got my podcast going. Thank you for coming out to see me, you guys. Chicago repped, man.

Peoria was okay. What did Quentin's speech do? Is this a good one? It's an old one? Really? When? Today? This year?

Really? He did? Well, bring it up, my baby. Quentin Tarantino's speech. We're going to play it in a little bit here. One fire fucking prematurely wrote Quentin's speech and I got excited and didn't have the link but it's all good

yes oh god here we go best screenplay I mean I think it was only Margot giving me the award that was the mojo that pushed it over the edge congratulations dudes he's awesome

why is it not playing I want to dedicate Congratulations, dudes. Ben Secura's nervous. He's awesome. Why is it not playing? I want to dedicate this award to the dean of screenwriters, Robert Bolt. Very nice. Very nice. My favorite screenwriter growing up that made me want to be a screenwriter was John Mullius. And John Mullius' hero was Robert Bolt. So I'm pushing it back to Mullius. He is so awesome, dude.

He is so... Right here, right now. He is awesome, dude. Normally the thing is when I win a writing award and you don't share the script with somebody else, you write it by yourself, you kind of don't really have anybody to thank. I did it by yourself. I don't really have anybody to thank. I did it. But this time, more than usually most, I had a fantastic cast. And it's not just a BS fantastic cast. It was a fantastic cast that took it from the page and had to add a slightly different layer

than what was just on the page. Whether it was Leo in the trailer, whether it's Brad having his acid trip, or Margot wrote it, you know? Dude, that's awesome. He's awesome. Love him. Quentin Tarney was awesome. Imagine working with him uh quentin turner is awesome imagine working

with him how fucking awesome that would be okay also there was a i'm gonna go but first i want to say this a palm reader was arrested for allegedly convincing a client that her daughter was possessed by a demon and swindling her out of 71 000 police say uh okay arrest the client arrest the client you deserve to be in jail you fucking moron why are you arresting the person who got the money from the that's uh somebody you want on your team cops are you kidding me she's like the fucking uh she can convince she should be a fucking uh negotiator she should be a you don't should be a... You don't want to do it. You don't want to do it, man.

She should be one of those... In the movie, she should play fucking... What's his name? Negotiator. Fucking shit. I'm out. I'm out, dude. I'm done.

She should be a negotiator, man. That's it. And just... She would get... How do you convince somebody to leave $71,000 because they're possessed by a demon, dude? Think about how hard it is to convince somebody to fucking give up 20 bucks. Maybe it's not, dude. Maybe it's not.

People so want an answer. Hey, you know what, dude? Hey, lady who spent this. There are no demons, okay? There's just people. And if there is such thing as a demon, the only person closest to a demon is someone who would let somebody

swindle them out of $71,000 because that means you're affecting your family and you're affecting everyone else and you're ruining the lives of people who fucking love you. So it's all good. So you're a demon in a way, huh? Right? How it all came back around, you're affecting your family and you're affecting everyone else and you're ruining the lives of people who fucking love you so it's all good so you're a demon in a way huh right how it all came back around your demon in a way download the cash app for free on the app store or google play market text me 818-239-7087 uh there's merch you can go get the life Rips. We're restocking them this week.

Go check now. Life Rips hoodies are all in stock. Thank you very much. And you guys are the best. Thank you very much for listening. Okay, see you. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucker. You're a good motherfucker.

You're a good motherfucker. You're a good motherfucker. You're a good motherfucker. Outro Music