Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 155. Boobie Loobies

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Today, Chris talks about being in the friendzone, algebra, YOU season 2, making up words as a kid, and developing your identity. Plus, a special strip club story.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply Yeah, dude. That's the new song for Mr. Green. It's a remix. It's not the new song. I mean, it is a newish song. It's a remix. It's not the new song. I mean, it is a newish song.

It's a remix. It's like Mr. Green made it for us. He made all the music for us, and it changes every now and then. And he just texted me over one recently. And as luck would have it, it pops, you know? As luck would have it, it pops, you know, as luck, as luck would have it, it fucking, it pops, so we played it for you, my babies, and that's what's up, uh, we got the eagle up today, chilling, maybe getting a sign made, so we'll see, dude, but I got, uh, Casino Rama coming up,

these are some tour dates, uh, Chris, uh, Chris D'Elia shows coming up, um, technically the Follow the Leader tour is over. So I'll probably be doing maybe some of the stuff from it at this Casino Rama. I might just do it, the whole tour, the whole hour there at this Casino Rama thing on January 17th and January 18th. That's an hour outside of Toronto. It's Orillia. Irvine, California. I'm working on some newer stuff

along with some of the older stuff. That's all sold out January 23rd weekend. Not trying to brag, but it's all sold out. I don't know if the Ice House is all sold out February 7th and 8th. West Palm Beach, Florida. I'll be there March 20th, 2020 to March 21st. I think there's still some tickets left

because that club is about fucking 4,000 seats. Robinsonville, Mississippi, Roanert Park, California, Las Vegas. I got some dates coming up. And I'm working on some more dates. I think I'm working on Brea and stuff like that but anyway come see me Chris D'Elia live in the flesh

and and you can and you can do that I've got some other news that I'm working on that could be announced soon and other than that dude chilling honestly chilling announced soon and other than that dude chilling

honestly chilling I have been in town it's been really rocking at the comedy store lately man I've been working on this new material and I'm very happy about it and it's been really rocking at the comedy store it's been good at the

laugh factory I haven't played the improv too much recently but I need to get back over there actually uh after this week in um what do you call it uh toronto outside of toronto i'm gonna be going to by the way toronto's the number one fucking place where they're like hey you never come to toronto dude that really grinds my fucking gears when someone says you never come dude last dude. Last week, somebody says, hey, when are you coming to Chicago? Literally just played 14,000 seats. Okay, so e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e. That shit just, that'll never, ever end.

I talk about it with my agent, Sahali Wood, but that'll never end, dude. We always talk about how like whenever I leave, there's always somebody, hey, when are you coming to blank? And I was just there. But it's all good. Anyway, I'm chilling, dude. I'm fucking chilling. I'm happy. I got a new mattress, so it's fucking killer.

I slept in it. Zonk the fuck out. You do the math, dude. You ever zonk the fuck out you do the math dude you ever zonk out man I try everything from my restless legs I got restless leg syndrome you know what it is it's something I would think is fucking bullshit except for have it I would think restless leg is bullshit

except have it so it fucking feels like my legs are going and I got these powerpoint things that I put on my legs and then I put them on my legs and then they fucking zap them and I don't know if it helps but

whatever I tell you what I put it on my story and people so many people are like does this work I don't even know what you mean does it work what does it mean when people that's one of the things I really got to get behind is massages and like muscle work and shit. Everybody's telling me. It's a very LA thing. I don't know if it's around everywhere, but people are like, you got to make sure the recovery, you massage the shit out.

And how do you – there's no like – what do you call it? Central – what do you call that fucking thing? There's no central, how do you, you can't compare it to something else. Do you know what I'm saying? Like if you're, so I guess if you work out both legs at the same time, then they get equally as sore. And then your only muscle work, you fucking massage one leg. Then the next day you see if that leg feels better than the other leg. Right?

That's the control. That's what I'm looking at. That's the control. The control. Jesus Christ, dude. Got a D in algebra? Yes! Does it matter?

It doesn't matter at fucking all what you get in algebra unless you're going to be an algebratrician, dude. you get in algebra unless you're going to be an algebra trician, dude. One time I was doing algebra in my fucking high school class, and my mom was like, you really got to work harder on algebra. It's hard. I just never made any sense. I had a fucking teacher named Mrs. Weaver, and I was getting a D,

and we have to make it. We have to make it. I had to do better, and I was trying to do better, trying to do better, and then all of a sudden, they introduced imaginary numbers, and I fucking straight up said in my head, go fuck yourself, dude, imaginary numbers, no, all this shit's imaginary, you got eight apples, and then eight apples walk in the door, hey, guess what, there's no fucking apples though, did you know that, you're making it all up these are all problems you're making up okay you want to know the most fucking asian thing you can do if you're an american asian is this playing with your pen and doing tricks with your pen like that everyone in la canada all the american asians would do this shit and they'd fucking catch it and i fucking learned how

to do that in algebra and i can fucking still do it and i'm not even fucking 40 i know but when i get older dude i'm gonna fucking always be like twirling it like this oh wow such a fucking anyway dude uh imaginary numbers bro no no i wish that's the thing i wish i was me now back then and i know people like to think like i know people everyone always says i wish i knew back then what I know now. Dude, I don't even care about knowing this shit. I wish I was more outspoken because I was that dude back then too. I had all the opinions, but I just fucking didn't really revel in it. I need to be in algebra now as a 17-year-old, and I need mrs weaver to be saying oh so these are we're

introducing imaginary numbers and then i go like this no they're all imaginary you're making up all these problems bye none of this shit exists dude and if you listen to this and you're 17 first of all turn it off because I'm a bad influence. But also, no. Algebra fucking sucks, dude. And I'm almost 40 and I'm telling you that now. You know how they're like, well, when you get older, you – no, you don't, dude. And I'm not a bad influence, dude.

Fuck this, man. I'm telling you right now, you high school kids. Get out of that algebra class dude high school is you got to do it because they got to figure out how to make it so kids don't fucking stab each other and do heroin you understand that's what high school is so all the kids just kind of chill out hang out learn how to be with each other that's why college is too early everyone should go to college when they're 26, 27, 28 that's when you because that's the thing you're not done developing

I'll tell you what I was immature kid until I was 33 or 34 I was a late bloomer, for real I went through puberty a little bit late and I was not an adult until I was a late bloomer. For real. I went through puberty a little bit late. And I was not an adult until I was 34, 35. I did immature shit.

Was selfish as fuck. That's the thing, dude. 18? You want me to go to college at 18? That's why when everyone goes to college at 18, they go absolutely bonkers, man. All of a sudden, the dorky kid is the cool kid. You ever, you know that shit? It's like, hey, hey, fucking, you come back for the spring, for the summer break or spring break, and they're like, hey, we're all going to fucking Robert's house. Robert, Robert who? Robert

Dahlman. What? Yeah. The fucking kid was a dork. Bro, he runs Pepperdine. What? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, bro? I went to visit him in Mizzou? Ho, ho, ho. That guy runs it, dude. He's practically Chris Brown at Mizzou. What?

He wore the fucking trench coat. Bro, he doesn't wear that anymore. He's got green hair. That's not cool. Wait till you see you see him bro it's pretty popping and then he shows up with like fucking some chick named hayley and you're like oh she's from fucking saint francis she's from the other school god this guy's popping and now everybody wants to be friends with fucking rob that's because we all go to college too or too early rob didn't even figure out who the fuck he was till he went to Mizzou.

And now it's on and popping in. Yeah. God, people change. I hated that shit. I was who I was in high school, bro. And now I am who I am. And that shit's not changing, dude. It's funny, dude. how that happens, though.

We all go, we go away, and then we become who we become. That's, dude, I, oh, man, that bothered me, man. When I was a kid, like, people would go study abroad, and they'd come back and shit. And they'd be like, yeah, fucking, girls would be like, lost my virginity. And dudes would be like, took a backpack, walked around a little bit, read a book. Now I know how it goes. Check in with me. We're all lost. We're all fucking lost, man.

We go to college too early. That's why now there's people with like fucking, you know, you see that guy walking a bird flying? That guy? It's because he went to college too early. You saw that guy thing on Twitter? He was running down the street with two parrots on a leash and the parrots were flying and he was running with those parrots. That guy should get all the pussy. And I'm not joking.

Girls, that guy deserves all of it. For real. Don't even know what he looks like, but he's gangster. If I were like that, if I was a guy, I got to walk birds, man. I got to walk birds. Do you know how I didn't know you could walk birds? You know what I'm talking about, right?

You guys have seen this shit. The birds are flying. The guys are running. Okay. I didn't know you could walk birds, bro. I never even thought of that. This guy is living in 2050 the birds are level two birds are the shit how come we don't talk about how cool birds are man

but unless you're brian callan we got to all start get we got to start that's what that's the thing about high school is that the classes are all the classes because they need to figure out the basic they need to all conform to all of the certain types of people i didn't like that shit because i'm not doing the shit that everyone does because i you know why don't wanna don't want okay so that's why if i was you remember electives and shit you'd be like well i'd like to get into home ec i'd like to even those were bullshits i'm talking about dude when i was as soon as you get out eighth grade i should have been able to sign up for fucking bird walking class and and and there should have been a stand-up comedy class or whatever the

fuck and not even a class it's a stupid class to have but like some kids want to be a magician i want to be a magician so now what oh well there's no magician class okay so at least let's just have the teachers guide the people and try to learn some magic to teach to the kids that's why i like david blaine he doesn't even really do i mean he does magic but also he'll to teach to the kids. That's why I like David Blaine. He doesn't even really do magic. I mean, he does magic, but also he'll be like, I'll just stand in a spot for seven weeks.

And you're like, oh, well, that's not magic. And he's like, but I'm testing my body. And you're like, okay, I agree. You're testing your body. I can just break out of these handcuffs. Really? Yeah. Wow, that's amazing It takes eight weeks

Oh, so you just keep on trying to break them And then finally they just wear and tear and then open? Yeah Okay Is it magic? I'm testing my body Okay But he can do card tricks too, my babies

So, saw him do our card tricks to Al Pacino And that's a real story. I live in a fantasy. I saw David Blaine do a fucking card trick to Al Pacino. And Guy Fieri was there. And Sylvester Stallone was filming it. I live in a fantasy. And then

did David Blaine say to Al Pacino, pick a suit? And then did Al Pacino say, well, I was in Armani the other day. I live in a fantasy. Al Pacino turned to me and he said, remember that card. I live in a fantasy. Al Pacino turned over to me and said there's my card remember it and then i said well i will i will actually never forget any of this in

my life okay it was the seven of diamonds um so anyway uh that's crazy. So, you know, high school should be more specific. That's why it's specific. You got to get specific high schools, man. There should be clumps of high schools that are like for certain things, like the entertainment high schools that they have sometimes. They have like some of them in Texas or some shit. Dance high schools. They got those weird ones.

I used to think those were fucking weird, but they're probably right. What if you know you love animals and you want to go to a fucking sanctuary high school, like an animal sanctuary high school, and just chill with fucking zebras and gophers? Loved the dude that would... I hated that when I was in elementary school and the guy would come with all the animals. Ugh loved it well it's animal day we get to come out the guy

comes with animals and they'll be like god class this is a gopher and stephen d philippus would be like oh and there'd be some kid fucking with a closed throat because a gopher came out we're like oh sorry matth Matthew's fucking allergic. He's got to go home now. In the 80s, nobody gave a fuck. Now, couldn't bring animals. I wonder if they still do that. They probably don't.

They used to bring fucking snakes out, dude. Hey, they could kill us. Like, why not just bring a wild boar? Oh, yeah, a snake. Oh, there's his, oh, the snake swallowed Tommy. We didn't like him anyway. Dude, why not just bring a wild boar? Bring a hyena.

They should just bring a fucking... Imagine them bringing just a starving hyena. Hey, class, gather around. It's just like... Oh, whoa. It's thrashing. Oh, whoa, whoa. Okay, it has Danny Vick's arm. Whoa. Okay, it has Danny Vick's arm. Whoa, it's thrashing Danny Vick's arm.

Hey, that swallowed my arm. Anyway, my fucking... One time I was at a strip club when I was 21, dude, and my friend was there, and he was 20, and he went up to the fucking bro i don't go up to the stage i chill back like a mob boss when i go to the strip club haven't been in a long time but when i go i sit back like a mob boss man you think i don't cross my legs at the strip club oh bro you're crazy man

i cross one leg over my cock onto my fucking leg. I'm real British at the strip club, dude. But I'm also an Italian mobster, dude. And I lay back and I sip a fucking club soda or nothing. Dude, I got to feel good in my environment. One of the reasons why I don't smoke is because I didn't need to fucking, I don't want to have to do shit. When I take a break, I want you to know I'm taking a break.

I don't want, oh, he's got to go do something. No, no, no, no, dude. I straight up got to get away. If I'm at a party, which I never am, if I'm at a party and some shit's going on and I got to take a break, I go outside and I wait, dude. I feel it in my body. I used to be uncomfortable taking a break. I didn't have a cigarette.

I wasn't checking my cell phone. They weren't around. Cell phones weren't around. And now cell phones are around. Sometimes I check my cell phone, but you best believe I could just take a break, sit outside and wait with my hands in my pockets. People are like, what's he doing?

Just staring at the sky, man. That's a break. I'm not fidgety, dude. I'm not fidgety, dude. I'm not fidgety. Learn that from my dad. He just chills. And that's the thing. So I would go to the strip club

and sit back like a mob boss, dude. And then on the stage, some people would go walk up to the stage and sit at the stage. the, on the, on the stage, some people would go walk up to the stage and sit at the stage. And one time my friend, he was 20, I was 21. He was 20. He walked up to this stage and he put his feet was like,

his face was all up in it. And the girl was dancing it around like that. And she was like squeezing her boobs and stuff. So juvenile. And by the way, what word do you use for tits to not sound like a fucking creep? For real. Tits, boobs. I'm 39.

If I say, yeah, her tits were good, I seem like a creep. If I say, yeah, her boobs. What? Am I 12? What do you say? Jugs? You sound like a fucking asshole. You know what I mean? Breasts? Then you sound like, what are you doing? You're trying not to sound like a creep, which makes it creepier.

So what the fuck is it? Come up with some shit. Tatas, then you're just an asshole. You know what I mean? Like cringe. I'm going to say fucking boobily-boobily-ooblies. That's what I'm going to say. Hey, yeah, did you see her fucking boobily-ooblies?

At least then I'm fucking owning it, bro. Boobily-ooblies? At least then I'm fucking owning it, bro. Boobily-ooblies. Boobily-oobies. That's what I'm going to fucking say. Anyway, we're at the strip club, and she was fucking working it. This was before twerking. She was just regular working it, not twerking it. And she was just moving her fucking

booby lubies around and just fucking holding them, the booby lubies and sitting around and fucking gyrating and shit. And I'm sitting back in a mob boss like I had a cigarette, but I didn't. Okay?

I was just chilling. Being me. Being inside me. You understand? Reveling in it. I was my body inside my body. You understand? I'm a fucking author.

And I was watching my buddy going like this, his face so close to boobie lubies, right? And she was doing the thing, and she brings her boobie lubies over to him, and I see it from afar. Okay? Like a mud bus. And I see some shit go down. And then he backs up a little bit casually. And then he walks over to me and my other buddy who I was with.

And my other buddy was a really tall big guy that has nothing to do with the story but i want you to know a little bit about the surroundings so he walks up to me and this guy was a little guy and that has nothing to do with the story but i want you to understand the color of the scene he walks up to me and something's wrong okay now i know something's wrong because i know my friend but i also know something's wrong because you don't fucking sit at the stage at the strip club especially alone now he walks up to me and he says guys i don't know what to say and I don't know how to say it. And we lean forward like, yes, because we want to hear it. Because we want to die of laughter.

And he says, but it's true. She squirted her breast milk at my nose and it dripped in my mouth a little bit. Oh, that's what he said, dude. That's the sentence he said and I never forgot it. She squirted her breast milk on my nose and it got in my mouth a little bit. And that was the sentence he said and I never forgot it. There's only before or after that moment in my life. And there's only before or after that moment in his, cause he drank not his mom's breast milk.

And dude, we fell out. Me and the big guy, we fell out. Our mob boss chilling was all tattered we fell out we were again 12 and then the best part was he told us after she did it he she squeezed it like a fucking like a fruit and it shot out hit his, and went into his mouth a little bit. And dude, after that, she goes like this.

And did a fucking finger up to his thing, her mouth, like he was talking in the library. Like it was a treat for him. Hey lady, don't squirt milk in my nose. Especially if it comes from your body. B-A-U-D-Y. Dude! Kinky! Not

a turn on. Then we told it to another one of our buddies later and he was like, I think I'd like that. Okay. And we were like what bro he's like i don't know it kind of turned me on once i was with a girl who was recently a mom and and mill and i drank it a little bit out of her and it kind of turned me on and i was like, drive-by fucking single shot. It wasn't even a fucking automatic from an automatic rifle.

It was a. dude are you kidding me what the fuck uh god dude strip club shenanigans. So funny, man. Ugh. Um. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Anyway, dude. How funny is that breast milk thing, man?

Squirting. I wonder if he remembers that. I got to ask him about that. He used to wear shirts that say fucking have a golden day. And it used to piss me off, you know? so how's that for a fucking golden day bro almost got a fucking golden shower it's juvenile uh one time i was um at a strip club let's take the other strip clubs one time i was at a strip club dude I was probably 19 I remember the first time I went to a strip club my buddy Warren took me in Vancouver and I was like I've never been to a strip club he's like we gotta go buddy so we went and there was a girl that looked like Heather Graham that was a stripper

and I was like whoa and she was naked and I was like whoa dude this is amazing and they would give massages and shit just like on your back while you were watching. Vancouver, Canadian, I think probably, I don't really know, but I think probably Canadian strip clubs rip. You probably can't do, kind of is crazy because it's like still kind of America-ish, but it's also a little bit, got a little bit of a European vibe. So the people are like, yeah, but what's wrong with being naked? And you're like, really?

Okay, boy, yaw, yaw, yawing. Yeah, what's wrong with being naked? And you're like, really? Okay, boy, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's wrong with – like there's probably some park where you could take your fucking top off in Canada somewhere up north, north, you know. And you're like, what the fuck is this? Brack-a-ka-ka-kack, you know. Hey, good thing I have a place to hang my coat now because it's freezing and that's on your boner.

People say it's not funny to explain jokes but it is dude you just got to do it in the right way hey bracket good thing there's a place to hang my coat now and that's because i have a bow see bro i laughed um oh man it's so funny man Oh, man. It's so funny, man. I bet guys at strip clubs think they're the shit. You ever see a guy walk into a strip club? There's two guys that walk into a strip club. There's either the guy that walks in that's like, oh, I shouldn't be here.

What do I do? I'm nervous. Or there's the guy that's like playing it up that's just like, hey, what's up? This is my fucking, this is my now you guys you guys could all leave um i don't know my core is all fucking sore because my my uh i did this class lagree where they use that fucking mega former they have the reformer for the pilates you use the reformer lagree was like nah nah fuck that reformer we got that mega former and so i was doing it in the class and i was going up to a fucking point on the v bro and i did that so many times that now my core is really sore and then I tried to do fucking weighted uh pull-ups 26 pounds on my belt I could do eight of them bro I can do eight of

them you understand and I did six sets of that and my core was on fire because you work your core when you do pull-ups too bro I'm in tip-top shape gotta gotta lean it out a little bit though you know gotta lean it out a little bit anyway i have too many beakers when i was a kid i decided that beauty marks were called beakers and i would just say beakers to my mom and my mom would be like what the fuck are you talking about i'd be like mom why do i have beakers and she's like huh and i'd be like these things and she laughed like hell she was like that's have beakers? And she's like, huh? And I'd be like, these things. And she'd laugh like hell. She was like, that's not a beaker. And I was like, well, what is it? And she was like, oh, a beauty mark or a skin tag. And I was like, nah,

we're calling them beakers, bro. Also, when I was a kid, I thought the word except was incept. And I wanted it to be incept. And my dad would say, you know the words except, E-X-C-E-P-T. And I'd say, it to be incept. And my dad would say, you know the words except, E-X-C-E-P-T. And I'd say, it should be incept. I said this shit when I was eight.

I was like, it should be incept because it's instead of that, you're using this. Okay? And my dad said, yeah, you're actually right. And that's a good dad. and that's a good dad and i can't wait to tell my son all the rules dude if my son do you understand if my son if it's one of his first things are incept i don't want to i do you understand i start crying because I'm happy that's the shit dude when my son says

I'm teaching him incept and when my son says incept oh clown victim music why did I fucking come up with that thing about how... What's his name was four foot tall. What's his name?

Akon. Akon. So close to acorn. I want my name to be close to... Isn't he British? It makes so much sense that he would be so fucking popping in Britain, dude. Akon looks so British. Oh, he's 5'11"? Alright, that's not bad.

He's not even short. Literally just made that up one podcast. Okay, cool. It's so funny to think of people shorter, though. So that's what I do. Nah, I'm gonna meet Akon one day and be like, nah, you fucking grew, bro. You grew since I know in fucking 2018 you were shorter.

Can't believe people listen to this podcast. But it's than ever my babies dude we get so many fucking views and listens now it's off the charts you know what that means bags are you guys enjoying the show you i did you that show i played a creep called henderson and uh let's talk about it a little bit. You know, when you're on a show, a real show, like I've done a lot of comedy shows, but when you're on a real show with real acting and real actors and good actors and good production and good writers and shit and people that give a fuck about it,

you know, it's so funny to be a comedian on one of those shows. Because I'm really happy that people are liking what I did. You know, a lot of people are saying a lot of really positive things about my performance, and I really appreciate that. And I want you to know something. I know. I know.

I know I'm going to go in there and fucking do it. At least okay. Okay? Do you know why I know? Because I got a good head on my shoulders. All right? I'm not going to go in and fuck some shit up. Yeah, I played in the scene where he had to torture me and fucking stab my arms a little bit.

And I'm really getting into that motherfucker, dude. Do you understand? I don't act. I'm not fucking. Dude, I'm not going to act in it. I believe I'm a fucking crazy motherfucker. You understand? I sit there and I think, okay, dude, I'm getting tortured.

Let's do this, motherfucker. You understand? I'll cry right now, dude. I don't. These motherfuckers. Where do I put? Okay, so if I walk in. Actors.

This is what actors do. So if I walk in. All right, you want me to grab the thing? See, that's the thing. I me to grab the thing see that's the thing i gotta grab the phone and walk over here that's what happens when a director says hey could you maybe say that over here that's what happens when an actor gets that note oh you gotta go uh uh oh okay i gotta well let me uh if i go over there though then i need to take the phone because the phone and you want me to already have the phone over here then that's bro no no no no

when a director says hey could you say that over there i go like this okay and i do the phone and you want me to already have the phone over here, then that's bro, no, no, no, no, no. When a director says, hey, could you say that over there? I go like this, okay, and I do the shit. And if it doesn't match in the shit, that's your problem, bro. I don't ask these questions because I'm really doing it, bro. I'm not asking about props. Can you put the shirt on? Sure, fine. Did it make sense in the edit? I don't give a fuck.

I'm here to do... You know? here to do you know look at this article go scroll up is henderson from you based on a real person chris d'alia plays an awful dude fuck yeah i do because they asked me you know oh it's the the two dumbest things that people are. Oh, I get involved, bro. When I do it, when I do it, I seen I get involved, man. You understand me, dude? You'll you'll never see me act bad, dude. You won't fucking see it.

Okay. Okay. Okay. So. So. I was in. So the two things that people are saying. What the fuck is Chris D'Elia doing in you? Bro acting man.

That's how I do it. And here's the other one. Hey Chris D'Elia keeps playing a fucking pedophile. Twice. Name another time dude two times i played a pedophile once in you and the other one i was on the show whitney and that's bullshit dude you can't name another one it's that's so annoying when people say that because dude somebody wrote do you intentionally play pedophiles or do you do what hey what they

asked me to be in the fucking thing i like the part so i said yeah i can't all i'm trying to do is get to the point where I can be an action star and then also in the end of my career like the Liam Neeson years I can play a Japanese guy with no makeup that's my dream bro is to fuck up the internet and just play a Japanese guy with no makeup and have people just irate about it. Well, why didn't they get a real Japanese guy to do that? Well, because Chris D'Elia is a big star, you know, when I'm 60, and we thought he was going to get the fucking box office.

And I did because, and I want to get nominated for a Golden Globe, and that's it. No Oscar, dude. Just the Golden Globe and not win. And all No Oscar, dude. Just the Golden Globe. And not win. And all they do is straighten my hair. No makeup. And I barely use an accent because I'm so subtle, dude. And I'm not acting.

While I'm filming, I'm Japanese. You are what you say you are anyway, so what the fuck's it matter? I got to do more ads. Yeah, dude, a lot of actors will be like, you know, they'll be like, can you move this? And then can you say this over here?

And then an actor will be like, because acting isn't very hard. They'll be like, well, how do I get there over there if the thing is over here and I got to grab it over here and then I don't feel motivated to? No. I want to get to a point in my career where I could just be like doing that with like a high class actor and the high class actor doing that. And I'm just like, hey, man, just do it. It's going to be fine.

I'm a nice guy. I really am a nice guy. On set too. They got almonds on the craft service. I'll fucking eat almonds like I pretend I like almonds when I'm on set. That's how I do it. I pretend I like almonds so much. I fucking eat so many almonds. For a guy

who fucking hates almonds, I eat so many almonds. Almonds suck who fucking hates almonds, I eat so many almonds. Almonds suck, dude. Almonds taste like goddamn... You know what almonds taste like? A computer. That's what they taste like. They're just regular as shit. That's a real food? Huh?

Yeah, so my core's all solid. You know, I gotta start doing this shit more. My buddy's trying to hang with this chick, and he's in the friend zone, man, and he did it to himself. Yes! He did it to himself. Yes! And this guy's like, how do I get out of the friend zone?

You can't, baby. Woo. If a girl put you in the friend zone, you can maybe get out. If you put yourself in a friend zone, that's like putting on an astronaut suit and saying, why are we going to the moon? You did it yourself, my baby. Yes. You're in there, man. You forgot the key and you locked yourself in.

Woo-hoo. Dude, how do I get out of the friend zone? Should I make a move now, he said. That's like taking off your fucking space helmet and... Take a hammer, break the glass. You can't breathe because that's how it goes. Let me make a move. Oh, yeah, I've been texting her paragraphs.

Dude, never text anyone an indention. Never text anyone a tab over. This guy writes, enter, space, space, space, space, space. Hey, dude, are you Zora Neale Hurston? Spell you, you. Don't spell it Y-O-U because then the girl knows you care that's 101 okay this guy how do i get out of the friend zone well you don't dude you don't. The best you could do is chill in the friend zone and hope that that girl, hope that her life unravels. Because that's the only chance you got, baby, is being the shoulder to cry on.

And then all of a sudden, that turns into some real shit. You've got no fucking chance, bro. You know what I say? Friend zone, schmen zone, dude. And I've been saying that shit. You got to meet a girl and you got to fucking be like... I don't know, man. One time i did an interview and a girl's like how do you get a girl and i said you ask them if they have a boyfriend and she was like really and i said yeah do you have a boyfriend and she goes that's it baby

she got uncomfortable I kissed the microphone though you you gotta shake things up man like being in the friend zone is the least sexy thing ever it's sexier to walk up to Like being in the friend zone is the least sexy thing ever.

It's sexier to walk up to a girl, look in her face and go, hey, I farted. And then pivot like in a swivel way, like do a Justin Timberlake move out. That's so sexy, dude. To walk up to a girl and say, by the way, hands in your pockets. Hey, just want you to know, I farted. And then usher it out.

Do an usher move out. And just be fucking singing, these are my confessions. Do you know how, I swear to God, if you have the utmost confidence, if you could max, if you could get the confidence at Mach 10,

if you could fucking 99th percentile that confidence, to say, hey babe, no, as a matter of fact, say toots. Hey toots, I farted,

and then do a spin move. These are my confessions. That girl needs a towel. Let me let me fucking one shot it out for you here. Dude, that's a single shot. Excuse me, barista. Can I get a single shot of... Excuse me, barista. Can I get a single shot of... Bro, Usher with the mic that comes down from his ear. It's a bitch. Use a regular microphone. I don't give a fuck.

Unless you're Bill Bellamy in the 90s. Trying to put his jacket on without fucking using his hands. That's how Usher dances. Trying to take his clothes off without using his fingers his hands. That's how Usher dances. Trying to take his clothes off without using his fingers and hands. That's how Usher dances. And everyone knows it. And Usher knows it. And that's it.

Look, this video is called The Best Dancer Usher. Such a fucking non-American thing that was written. The Best Dancer Usher is the most foreign thing boiled down to four words. Yeah, baby. Anyway, that's what's up. You got to learn how to – if you can get to that confidence level, if you can get to that confidence level if you can get to that confidence level of telling a girl

or anybody dude in a business meeting. If you want a fucking job and you can there is a way if you're in the matrix if you're hooked in and you know about the matrix to walk into a fucking job and say hey well how are

you? Nice so you're applying for this job and you say hey, well, how are you? Nice. So you're applying for this job and you say, yep. And you got your hands in your pockets. And the person sitting there, what are your strengths and weaknesses? Well, I'll tell you my strengths. And they say, yes, Mr. D'Elia or whatever your name is. In my case, it's that. You get up off the chair, keep your or whatever your name is. In my case, it's that.

You get up off the chair, keep your hands in your pockets, lean over the desk and say, well, I shouldn't have ate that many bananas earlier because I keep farting. And then pivot and usher away. You get the job, I guarantee you. Only if you are in the 99th percentile of confidence. That's it. You got to be Mach 10 on the confidence scale. Or you say something like, I invented the term booby lubies,

and that means tits. And then you walk out, and you drive a golf cart away. Wow. If you drove a golf cart to the fucking... You understand I would hire a guy immediately? Wow. God, I wish I was fucking Harry in the royal family.

I wish I was him. How are they being so... How is anybody in the royal family not doing using their experience to the fullest like seriously if i was in the royal family i would do shit like only wear shorts no matter where the fuck i was are you kidding me dude dude? CNN, Fox News, Bustle. Everyone would be doing articles about me. Why is he only wearing shorts?

I would do so many interviews. Because that's how I want to dress. I'm the fucking prince. Are you kidding me? Why do you have an eye patch on? Because I only want to see out of one eye today, you fucking bullocks. I farted. These are my confessions.

So British singing it. Harry's out of the royal family. That's so weird. That's kind of cool, though. But also, like, what are you doing? Where are they going to move back to? Where are they going to move? L.A.? You know? What is this, a fucking NBC show?

He was British, and now, pfft, he was in the Royal Family, and now, pfft, moved back to L.A., pfft. She's going to try acting again. Pfft. Uh-oh. It's The Prince. New on NBC. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.. Pfft hello one what is this what is this everything is organic what is happening what's going on everybody's car is like looks like it's from the future what's going on but yeah don't text anyone paragraphs seriously I mean that it's so annoying. People hate that. What are you doing? Is what you have to say important?

Well, then guess what? Just think it. That's for you. But yeah, I don't know about this Harry and Megan thing. I mean, the royal family fucking hates Megan right now because also, dude dude isn't she like half black or something i bet i bet the black british people right now are like oh all right okay well we had it for a second oh boy all right all right i know it was too good to be true yes all right oh fuck oh shit i don't know about this Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.

I don't know about this. They might live in North America. Wait, was it Prince Harry who got Meghan her Disney deal? She's got a Disney deal? What the fuck is going on anymore, you know? I love how... You know what I love this week is how sharon stone got fucking kicked off a bumble because everyone thought she was fake because why the fuck is sharon stone on bumble dude internet dating is crazy i i was talking about it with my friends last night i've never done any sort of internet

dating i've never been on the thing i always thought like when it came out i was like it felt like you, I was like a little bit of an old head, like, ah, that's kind of corny. I don't want to be doing that. I should be meeting people in real life. I don't know if I actually thought that it was a long time ago, but I never did it. And then I was like, started to get a little bit of like, I was on TV and stuff. And I was like, well, I can't do it now. Cause it'll just be so weird. People be like, why is this guy on this thing? And then I found out that like Pauly Shore was on it. And I was like, oh oh well fucking if paulie shore's on it then i guess that's so weird but i guess it doesn't really matter anymore and then everybody was on it like i heard fucking like uh good actors were on it and shit and like magicians and like bmx guys and i was like ah maybe you could get on it and i just

never got it or i always had a girlfriend or something and I was never on the dating app. And now fucking Sharon Stone is on it? How old is Sharon Stone, by the way? She's still so hot, huh? What, she's 61? She looks great, huh? I went on Bumble dating site and they closed my account some users reported that it couldn't possibly be me hey Bumble is being me

exclusionary don't shut me out of the hive I didn't even know Sharon Stone was on Twitter Sharon Stone was and is so hot. And she's good too. She's a star, you know? That's what a star is right there.

Some people are just stars. Some people are just stars. Even if they're not famous, they're stars. You know who I thought was like that? Pete Davidson. That dude's just a star. You know? He's just like a? Pete Davidson. That dude's just a star. You know? He's just like a guy that's just like a star.

He's not ever going to go away. He's always going to be popping. There's always going to be something. You know, he got a little bit of hate because of Ariana Grande when that shit went down. The dude's just a star, man. There's just something about him that you want to fucking look at. A lot of people are like that. Well.

Timothy Chalamet. He's like that. Sharon Stone's like that. Who else is like that? It's funny dude. Yeah see I don't think Usher's like that. That dude's a big star. But he's just like a guy that learned it all.

He doesn't have that fucking. he doesn't have that fucking quality that just is just star you know very talented um who else has that fuck it's not about being famous either who else do you have? Tweet it to me who you think has that. I won't read it, and I also don't care what you think. But make sure you do that. Yeah. I stopped.

That's one of my – I don't really have resolutions, but I was sitting around, and I was like – I was talking with my girl, and I was like, dude, I got to stop reading a lot of these Twitter comments. Sorry, but a lot of you guys are fucking assholes. So I'm going to stop doing that. Be nicer, you know? Um, that's it. I guess we're pretty much done here. I, uh, I, I won the T I already talked about this, the fighter of the year. I'm the kid. I'm the, I'm the winner of the fighter and the kid year. Of course. You know why? Cause on the last one I went in and I fucking stepped it up. They were like, you want to come in and fucking... And I was like, yeah, I'll come in, dude.

And I went for broke. Theo came on the shit. I shut that shit down, dude. You know why? Because I wanted to. If you get me in fucking high activation mode, dude, Mach 10 in that 99th percentile, it's over, bro. It's over.

I don't need a fucking haircut. Congratulations on your haircut, bro. It's over. I don't need a fucking haircut. Congratulations on your haircut, Theo. I don't need a haircut. I got that shit. Anyway, I'm going to close this shit out, okay? There we go. Download the cash out for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Text me, 818-239-7087.

And, oh, Life Rips, well, they were fucking restocked, and then they went away. So they sell out so quickly, you guys. I got another restock coming, but you guys got to be quick if you want it. I can't believe how many of these fucking hoodies are out there. Anyway, that's good. I'm going to be in Rama, Ontario,

Orilio, Irvine is sold out, Pasadena, Irvine is sold out, Pasadena, Pasadena, ChrisLea.com, West Palm Beach, I'll be there. Fucking I win! I win! ChrisLeah.com, West Palm Beach. I'll be there. Fucking.

I win. Woo. I win. Good night, my babies. Good night. Outro Music