Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 156. Lonely Boy

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

Today, we've got a new story about Michael Lenoci traveling. Also discussed: Aaron Hernandez, Jawline, Tom Segura, Commes de Garcon, and the song Otis by Magma. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. It's episode 156. And, dude, it's fucking more on than it's ever been, dude. It keeps leveling up. And we keep doubling it. And we keep doubling it until they kill me. Tupac laughs like my Uncle Richard. Anyway, January coming up, going to Irvine, California.

And, dude, let me tell you something. It's sold out, my babies. It is sold out. And it sold out a long time ago. Because your boy keeps leveling up. Your boy keeps catching heat. Your boy. That's how we're going all the way to Irvine. Back in it.

We're driving backwards. It's not my fault, dude. It's not my fault. You guys made this happen. You guys made this happen. guys made this happen um so yeah dude i went to um i went to uh what do you call it uh i don't i don't know i sometimes i start sentences and it's not and and it's not even the sentence i want to start i figure out the sentence later um i'm good under pressure you understand these sunglasses I don't know how I got them

But we don't need them dude It's all good my babies But I'll tell you this I'm going to Irvine That's all sold out We're adding another Irvine date They were like do you want to add more shows And I was like bro you're going to try and give me a heart attack

I know I'm the youngest man alive But you're going to try and fucking I got to do 8 shows for the weekend So I'm just going to do to give me a heart attack, man. I know I'm the youngest man alive, but you're going to try and fucking, you know, put – I've got to do eight shows for the weekend, so I'm just going to do it later on in the summer. So Irvine, beware. Pasadena, Ice House, I think it's probably sold out. West Palm Beach, Florida, who the fuck knows. But March 20th and March 21st, are we going to add more shows?

Who knows. Robinsonville, Mississippi, why is it a place? Interesting and interestingly enough, it's a place, and I'll be playing the Horseshoe Casino and Hotel so go get tickets at crystalia.com Roanoke Park California where is it Grant and Resort Casino and then Las Vegas I got two gigs coming

up in Las Vegas and then Brea California we just added two weekends in a row who the fuck am I Joe Coy I gotta start doing fucking instagram videos like this that's what joe coy does um anyway dude we got up here some artwork that somebody made from a pic every now and then i'll take a picture that i think is funny i'll post it online and then i'll wish i never took the fucking picture in my life and this is one of those pictures i took and somebody photoshopped it and then somebody painted it and gave it to me in my fucking aurelia shows uh so i i i did that

and and that's that's that and i got the no cuda chain and then you could under it but uh i got that i think in ohio yes i got it in ohio um anyway uh i was in orillia and it was a little bit on and popping but also a little bit cold as shit and it was so so beautiful the fucking um the snow i never seen snow like that except for when i was a young pup in new jersey um and i was a young pup in new jersey dude dude. But here's the thing. Before I even get into what happened this weekend and everything like that, your boy got fucking for real, not lying. I'm not doing it like a fucking white chick that eats sushi too much. I am telling you the truth.

Your boy got over 12 hours of sleep. I ain't got no motherfucking brain. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. West Side. 12 hours of sleep. You know how you wake up after 12 hours of sleep? You wake up like this. Ah!

And then you do your day, dude. And you do your day and it's... And you don't really do much because you're just chilling and you worked hard all weekend. But you're doing your day, dude. And nobody even – even if someone's rude to you, you're just like – you turn your fucking back and you just walk away. Positivity, man. You think I didn't watch that fucking documentary on Hulu, Jawline? Oh, I saw it.

That kid preaches positivity. He's like a 15-year-old that preaches positivity. Hey, let's say preaches, not peaches. Twice in a row. But dude, he preaches positivity, and he's 15 years old, and he doesn't even know what the fuck he's saying because he's 15.

And when he's 30, let's hope that he fucking liked what he was doing when he was 15 because everybody is being recorded now as a kid. I grew up, and I'm happy the fucking place I grew up because nobody was recording me at 15 and 16 because bro, I don't even like the shit I did when I was 31. But that documentary is fucking crazy, dude. Jawline.

I only watched half of it. My buddy, Kevin Christie turned me onto it and I watched a little bit of it. You got to watch this shit, man. It's so odd, man. These kids start posting on something called YouNow, and they get followers, and the kid's just like, I want to be famous because then I could do good for the world. And it's weird. The kid is literally a child version of Mark Wahlberg from Boogie Nights. Anyway.

Anyway, what was I talking about? I threw so many fucking logs into the fire, and I'm trying to... Irons into the fire. What? Sleep. And then after, that was one of the logs I threw in the fire. I was trying to talk about something bigger.

Who knows, dude? But I was talking about uh going to orillia oh going to orillia went to orillia got 12 hours of sleep i didn't get much sleep the night before because the walls are thin in orillia and it was beautiful dude the snow was beautiful man but i got home got 12 hours of sleep now it's today. Here's the thing when I went to Aurelia, and this is fucking so – oh, by the way, when I was in Aurelia, I should say, I'm wearing – I am wearing – life is about change. Life is about complete change. Life is about growing as a person.

And life is about sometimes not being so stuck to your guns that we make some amends and we make a set, what do you call them? Exceptions to the rules. Now, your boy's not better than that. Your boy's not better than that. You got to make exceptions to the rules. If you don't make exceptions to the rules, you're a fucking annoying actor piece of shit. Even if you're in the middle of fucking Dayton

or you're down in, know Alabama you're still an annoying actor piece of shit I used to have a buddy that would stick to his diet and whenever like we were on vacation we would have a pizza he'd be like nah just get me a salad boy you're an annoying actor piece of shit did you know that you're an annoying actor piece of shit take a piece of pizza put it in your goddamn mouth who gives a fuck okay every role every role you're playing is shredded by the way he was playing 16 year olds he's 16 he was a fucking 38 year old playing 16 year olds you don't need to be shredded to play someone's son so your boy is wearing a jersey what hold on a second

that meme of the guy blinking his eyes just like the blonde guy your boy's wearing a jersey why your boy's not into sports if you saw incorrigible you know my bit on sports now yeah granted you're looking at me and you're like okay so he's so what's going on why is he shooting in in the in colorado hey why is your kid in boulder why is the why is your kid in why is he in fucking colorado springs he's not dude i'm in the studio and these are my shoulders yeah Yeah, it looks like fucking, you might take a ski lift on them, right? Because they fucking, they go wide, bro.

I'm not even fucking around. They go wide, all right? All right? Okay? Sometimes I walk through doors sideways, and I get it, I don't have to, but I do it just in case, all right? Because I don't want to fucking scrape the shits

out the sides of my shoulders. Anyway, I've got this Toronto Raptors fucking jersey on because they won last year at the NBA finals. Chips with the dip. Remember, Drake? So these guys, my buds, Curtis. Fuck, let me look at his last name here. Who knows? They're fans of the podcast and they came to my show.

Let me fucking text them right now so it pops up. Can't stand. Curtis Diggins. And on Instagram, C. Diggins, P. Dove, and Alan Regan. Nike Toronto made me this fucking jersey. It's not just any jersey, dude. Thank you for the people at Nike Toronto. But, bro,

check this out. Zero dents, dude. That's the number zero. And for the name, for those of you listening, dents. And also, that's my fucking tricep and my fucking shoulders, dude. What the fuck?

What am I, a genie coming out of a bottle? Dude, I'll tell you what, man. That's what's up. So now I wear a jersey and I'm going to work out on this today. And people are going to look at me like that Weeby meme. Anyway, dude, it's all good. So I got this jersey and that's so cool dude did you know that's cool um so i went to aurelia now here's the deal my opener who's gonna remain nameless now because

he doesn't deserve the credit at this point okay because let me show you how pissed I am. If you could imagine how pissed I am. So he was, I said, hey, we've got two gigs in Aurelia, Canada. He says, where's that? I say, two hours from Toronto. And he goes, cool, I love Toronto. And I think, well, it's not Toronto. So we, so he says, hey, by the way, I have a gig two days before the toronto gig um and it's in chicago now i bring an opener because a lot of the time the main one of the

main reasons i bring an opener is because i like to travel with somebody i don't like to be i'm a fucking lonely boy dude if i take flights across the country if i take international intercontinental or just continental flights i'm'm a lonely boy if I'm alone. You understand? I buy cashews at the fucking Hudson News and I'm eating them like I want them, but I don't want them. I get salted almonds, right? But I'm a lonely boy. I eat them like I'm fucking Oliver Twist asking, may I please have more or whatever the fuck that was.

I'm a lonely boy. I'm that was. I'm a lonely boy. I'm just eating because I'm a lonely boy. But if I have fucking Mike, whoops, if I have my opener with me, I don't need to get those things because I'm not feeling insecure and I'm not a lonely boy. Okay? Okay? So he says, look, I know you like to bring me because you like to pay me and you like to pay me for you not being a lonely boy. And I say, okay, yeah, what's coming? And he says, well, it just so turns out that I have a gig two days before in Chicago. Do you think that I could fly to Chicago and then the next day I could fly to Toronto since it's so close and meet you in Toronto?

And I say, you know what? Sure, yeah, of course. I'll take the fucking lonely boy flight. So I take the lonely boy flight. And he says, the day before the fucking lonely boy flight, right? He says, hey, don't be mad. And I go like this too late. OK, because if you're saying, hey, don't be mad. I like being mad too much and I'm already mad.

So so he says, and if you know anything about my opener already, you know, he's a dingus piece of shit. about my opener already you know he's a dingus piece of shit all right so and you know he's fucking not it he's pretty fucking dumb like he's in his life he's gone like this before you know and so he says to me i figured it out already dude that's the best yay yay dude it's so awesome that he goes like this don't be mad i figured it out already imagine getting a call from somebody they say hey don't be mad i figured it out already now there's a certain level of madness i get when that happens i want you to know about the levels of mad first of all there's annoyed that's not that bad it's like in a fun territory you're like god damn it they fucking forgot to catch up whatever the fuck then there's a levels of mad first of all there's annoyed that's not that bad it's like in a fun territory you're like god damn it they fucking forgot to catch up whatever the fuck then there's

a level of mad where you go like this oh shit bro i'm fucking mad you tell me what the fuck's going on i'm furious and i'm yelling and then there's another level of mad on top of that where you go quiet where you just sit back and you relax. It's like when I was watching the show, this one movie where it was like a world ending movie. Whatever the fuck by Roland Enric. Something called like Deep Horizon or Impact of the fucking Tomorrow. Whatever the fuck it was. Where the big wave was coming and the dad and his daughter is like, here it comes.

And they just hug each other. They're coming're coming shit that's how calm i am i'm fucking watching this big wave come crashing and i know everybody's dying okay i'm in a movie i'm in a roland emmerich movie right now when mike says hey don't be mad i figured it out i grab my daughter and i wait for that big wave. Because what the fuck am I going to do, dude? So he says, no, so I say, so this is what happened. He said, don't be mad. I figured it out. And I say, you forgot your passport.

And he says, okay, yeah. I'm waiting for that wave. The wave is getting a little bit bigger, right? It was far away. I said, you forgot your passport. And that wave got a little bit bigger. It went from there to there. Here it comes. it's getting louder and he says so you know how i always bring my passport card with me and if you're an avid listener of congratulations podcast you know that mike brought that once to try and get over the border something happened i don't remember what the fuck happened you remember the episode something Something happened where he had the fucking passport and we were like, oh, it doesn't work for the flight, but we're driving over anyway, so it's okay.

I was like, it better fucking work. And it did work. And he was like, yeah. And I was like, all right, you won luckily, dude. You had fucking 19 and you hit and you got a two. But you're lucky. You should have kept the 19. I don't like when shit works out for dummies. You understand? You need to understand that you're a dumb fuck and have the shit happen and that's it dude you

deal with it and that's how you learn and if you're 35 like he is so bad so so he says i have that because i always have it because my mom made me get it. Ha ha ha ha. Ah. Ah. Dude, his dick is probably fucking four and a half inches. And when it gets hard, it's probably four inches. Do you understand? His dick fucking doesn't even get bigger.

It congeals. It like gets smaller but harder. So anyway, so he says, so luckily my mom made me get my pet hey dude okay so he goes like this um so here's what i'm gonna do and that wave got a little bit bigger the wave the wave wait a second i'm squinting my eyes. Did it double in size? Did it double in size? So I grabbed my daughter a little harder. And I pull her in.

Because maybe this is the big one. And he says, I'm going to take a flight from Chicago to Buffalo, New York. Wait a second. Did that wave get a little bit bigger? My daughter puts her fucking chin into daddy's shoulder. Okay. So I say, uh-huh. And he says, I'm going to have, have i'm gonna fly into buffalo really early and then i'm gonna have someone hey dude let me tell you something let's let's let's cut back it's like one of those movies that begins and was like and the guy's like, like that movie with fucking Chris Burns.

What's that guy's name? Is that Chris Ed Burns? And it starts and he's dead. And he says, so I'm dead, right? And then it goes, and it flashes back. And you're like, I got to find out how this fucking guy died. Or American Beauty when he's like, this is the last day of my life. And you're like, we got to find out what the fuck happens.

He's dead by the end of this. That's what happens. He said, so let's cut back all the way back. Hey, when you're saying, don't be mad, I figured it out. In no part of the rest of that conversation do you say the word someone. You understand? Because if you figured it out you know who all right so that wave what i'm noticing it's getting real white at the top which means it's curling over. It's not going to subside. So I say, yeah.

He says, someone's going to pick me up in Buffalo and bring me to the Toronto airport while I use my passport card to get over the border, and I'll meet you when you land. And I can tell he's nervous but what i can tell even more is that wave is gonna kill us my daughter's crying at this point okay so i go like this okay and i hang up because your boy means business i don't hang up lately I hang up. Because your boy means business. I don't hang up lately. I hang up heavily. So I say, okay.

The day comes where he hits me up. By the way, how far is it from Buffalo? Two hours and five minutes. Wow. It's fucking a hundred miles. This fucking moron, you know? So the day comes. Hi. Yada, y yada i'm taking this and that a train he took a train he took every fucking window he took a train a plane a fucking car this guy i've i expected him i half expected him to show up with a fucking

or and shorts on and um i get to the thing my my flight's. I get in at 1 a.m., and he's sitting there, and he's like, bro, I'm so tired, and I look at him, and I go, good. And I realize that wave and my daughter, it didn't exist because it was all a movie. It was directed by Roland Emmerich. It wasn't real life. He made it happen, but he learned. And the thing about that is he didn't learn. He'll do it again.

But in that brief moment of time, he learned. And I didn't even really get that pissed because there was no reason to. I was either going to have an opener. I said, hey, man, you tell Andrew, my agent, my high-powered agent. I was like, you tell Andrew to fucking make sure to get another opener on deck because, bro, I'm not doing it alone. And he was like, no, don't worry about it. And I was like, oh, I said,

you know how mad I'm going to be if there's no opener, right? And he said, yup. Anyway. Wow, dude. Nice, baby. Nice. We went to Canada. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security.

Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy a room upgrade. Wherever you checkout just need a nice place to settle in enjoy your room upgrade wherever you go we'll go together that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply you know what's fucking annoying

is tom segura's like spanish now you know he's doing a fucking Spanish podcast. This guy's got all the podcasts and now he's going to be Spanish too, dude. Guy's charting in other language. He's like the fucking, who's that guy? Bailamos. Let the music feel your rhythm. Bailamos. Mark Anthony or whatever. Is that Rick Enrique Iglesias?

Ricky Martin or Enrique Iglesias Ricky Martin or Enrique Iglesias fucking whoever it is dude I gotta learn Japanese dude Enrique Iglesias Bailamos let the rhythm take you over Bailamos

I don't like when fucking songs go in between languages have a language in a song and stick to that fucking song you know what I mean it's not like people are like and the shark bites languages, have a language in a song, and stick to that fucking song, you know what I mean? It's not like people are like, and the shark bites. Pearly whites.

Why don't they they only they legitimately only do that with Spanish they gotta do that with Japanese they gotta do it with Danish they gotta do it with fucking

whatever the hell is in Paris, France you know they gotta do that when the shark bites They don't do it Because the whole fucking attitude of the song would change

It doesn't change when you do it in Spanish But if you did it with Japanese You know But if you did it with Japanese, you know. Anyway, dude, I got to do a podcast in a different language. I got to do a podcast in a different language and just fucking become the number one podcaster in whatever they speak in Denmark. Or fucking Sweden. What do they speak?edish who who knows i don't know anyway dude congrats to tom segura he's spanish he's fucking spanish now apparently he always knew spanish i i you know all right dude the guy's taking over man All right, dude.

The guy's taking over, man. This fucking... I've got... He's got so many podcasts, bro. I got to get more podcasts. I got one. All right. Yeah, so... Did you see the...

Actually, I'll talk about that later. But, dude, how about the fact that... You guys watching that Aaron Hernandez documentary on Netflix? Looks like brendan shawb right it's crazy looks like brendan shawb but like if brendan shawb like kind of like well i don't know if he cared about his appearance less but he's also handsome i'm not saying he's less handsome than Brendan Shaw. He's probably both. They're probably both the same. But God, there's a real sociopath, huh? I watched

it. People ruin shit by saying, oh, it's fucking amazing. They just want to be on the train. It is good, but the third episode is the one that really is good. The first two episodes, sure, I'm along for the ride, but the third episode is really one that really is good the first two episodes sure i'm along for the ride but the third episode is really what fucking took it for me

like it's all about how he had a like a they you know the way the documentary did it was like he couldn't live his real life and it really bothered him and it was like a cocktail of fucking emotional activity that just made him act like a tough guy and kill people because it was like a closeted homosexual and he couldn't deal with it and apparently the other dude that he killed was going to out him and so he killed him that's what the the documentary made it made it kind of seem makes it kind of seem like, which is fucking so wild. I just like – every now and then I'll stop and I'll think about like imagine killing someone. Like I'm telling you right now.

This is what I'm telling you right now. This is Chris Talia. And I know there's a comedy podcast and I do lots of bits, of them funny most of them nah but uh i'm telling you neither you know more than most of them are funny the funny is in there but like what i'm saying is if if i if i'm ever accused of killing someone i'm telling you straight up i was framed okay like for real if my blood's at the scene if there's semen somewhere if some of my hair's on a dresser caught in between one of the fucking doors someone put it there okay i didn't do it i I'm not killing anyone.

Ever. That's my promise. I was framed. Not saying I can't. Your boy's beefy. Right? Your boy's beef. But dude, I didn't do it. All right? your boy's beef.

But dude, I didn't do it. All right. So I will fight it. I will, I will. Here's the other thing too. They,

they, some about like, what was the one where he was like, I saw one of these documentaries where the guy was like, yeah, I didn't do it. And they, and, and they found out I was innocent, but something where guy was like yeah i didn't do it and they and and they found out i was

innocent but something where it was like they were gonna let me out but i had to admit it that i did it but i didn't want to was this the same documentary or something no it wasn't but some other documentary i was watching and he was like um he was like, I have to admit it. I have to take the the the plea but admit that I did it and he was like, I'm not doing that because that will mean I was always a convicted murderer. And even though I'll be out in the world, what the fuck documentary was it? It was I can't remember what it was. Anyway, I must have seen it on Netflix or something but

he fucking straight up said no I'm gonna go for broke and he fucking I see the guy's face some of you listeners no it's not the staircase but he was like I, I'm not going to – I'm going to go for broke, and I don't want it on my record.

So he fucking – he went to trial. I was like, bro, if they offer me a deal, hey. Thanks, bud. Thanks. But you're a convicted murderer okay okay but i'm free it was like i'll never see my he had a kid too was this the fucking erin no it wasn't i'm mixing up i see so many of these murder documentaries dude i'm surprised i don't go to bed and just dream of people killing me anyway uh i'm sure people will tweet me and I won't look at it.

But yeah, this Aaron Hernandez thing, man. I just like imagine first of all how hard it is to come out as gay. But imagine doing it as a football player and your whole life is being manly and that's got to be so hard. My heart goes out to anybody coming out of the closet, especially if you have a family that's not going to accept you. But even if you do, it's fucking hard enough. Word up to all my, Word up to all my Or if I was That Chet Hanks

Big ups Tall me gays Big ups Tall me closeted gays Big ups Tall me gays Everybody hiding in the closet Big out they move

Beyond the area Big ups For creaking that doorway out And walking out Big ups For moving across to the side And walking out Big ups for creaking that doorway out And walking out Big ups for moving across to the side And walking out Big ups

For coming out and fucking guys in the open area Um Anyway Uh Yeah there's so many murder documentaries it's crazy I gotta do that's what I gotta do My next special I know I got another one Coming out soon but my next

one, I got to do a murder documentary slash comedy special. Bro, I'd be playing arenas that make Sebastian Maniscalco look like he's playing open mic, bro. I would fucking ba-boom. I should just murder documentary comedy special? Forget it. That's it. Flying private everywhere.

I got one fucking black nail. Just so you know. I didn't slam it in a door. I painted them because I had to do this because I painted them on a fucking show I did for Netflix for Burt Kreischer called The Cabin. And I painted one. I left one. I took them off and then I left one. But your boy's got ink.

Your boy's got a fucking emo finger. Your boy's got a tank top on. And he was wearing sunglasses earlier bro does he what the fuck i'm young and i'm this young bro and i drink like this i don't give a who am i yeah i'm that cult leader is who I am, dude. Anyway, one time my ex said that when I point, my triceps look flabby, and I should start working out, and that's one of the reasons why I started working out. And now he's laughing, dude. And now he's laughing.

Oh, but your boy was insecure that day. Oh, but now who's laughing? Yeah, it's still flabby, but that shit's a fucking muscle. Let's weigh it. Let's weigh it. Let's weigh it and see if it's fucking muscle or fat let's weigh it how about did you see the fucking who's that guy

that does the hearts on the heart thing everyone's wearing this heart fucking thing or whatever the fuck it is what's it fucking how would I even spell it you know what i mean like con de garcon con de gar de gar gar garcon yeah con coms de gar you know what combs de garson okay that's what it is um he's always got the heart peeking out of the fucking bottom of the converse shoe and chicks wear it like they think it fucking makes them like like they like they think it makes them

look like they read that i'm not into that that con de garcon shit the chicks wear a fucking that heart how could somebody have an image like that it's so weird that somebody could just go for broke on one image the guy's like what is he french what is that spanish i don't even know what that is he's just like yeah i put the eyes on the heart oh it's he's french but it's made in spain cool man hey way too confusing dude what is this fucking uh that movie with madame mcconaughey where he's stuck behind the staircase interstellar uh bro that movie huh how about that movie oh he's stuck behind once he was stuck behind the staircase i was like all right did we finish our popcorn i love chris nolan bro that guy makes bang. I can't wait till that fucking Timid movie comes out or whatever the fuck it's called.

Tenant. The fuck is it? Tenant. It's about someone who lives in an apartment complex. It's a bad joke. Anyway. What was I saying about the fucking thing? Yeah, about the cornrows.

He made the people wear, the white kids wear the fucking thing? Yeah, about the cornrows. He made the people wear, the white kids wear the fucking cornrows. What do you call, is it cornrows? Is that what it is? Here it is. Con de garcon, criticized for cultural appropriation using lace front cornrow wigs.

Hey guy, that's one of those things where it's like, yo, is this the hill you're going to die on? Because I would – here's what would happen. If I was Colin de Garcon, which I'm not, but – hey, go away, ad. First of all, major Japanese fashion label – oh, it's Japanese. Colin de Garcon has always pushed boundaries by this time but this time they have gone too far

this is from CNN the brand showcases men's fall winter 2020 line this week at Paris Fashion Week a key part of the runway look amid the bright colors and crop jackets appear to be lace front cornrow wigs and the effect is uh debatable I love in articles when they use the word

uh because it's like oh shit they're being so cock about it like a journalist straight up goes uh like journalists the whole thing is like when a reporter is supposed to not fucking stutter and when they throw a stutter in that's the most cock shit hello coming to you live i mean think about the guy think about that shit the broadway showcased its men's fall winter 2020 lines this week in paris fashion week a key part of the runway look amid the bright colors and crop jackets appear to be lace front cornrow wigs and the effect is uh debatable i mean dude with the graphics and shit so rubbing it in and so um anyway here's the thing if i were doing that someone in my head i would be like well we probably shouldn't do this

unless we want to fucking go double it double up on it and go for broke and be like your motherfuckers don't get it i'm doing what i want i'm not cultural appropriation i'm not saying this how i am but you go on fuck cultural this guy would have to not believe it be like fuck cultural appropriation this isn't that you guys are fucking you know lefties you guys are lefties but you're gonna get in trouble for sure and you gotta know you're gonna get in trouble all right maybe they don't have black people that work at the company that much or whatever the fuck but like also here's the other thing they literally use the these kids are translucent dude they're not white they're translucent so like they make anderson cooper look like the guy from amistad

so um and not matthew mcconaughey uh yeah dude i mean this kid and they're like 18 no they're probably younger than that i don't know know. Maybe they're 40. Who knows? You can never tell how these models are because they don't eat. But look. Dear all, this is what he writes. One of the people writes that was a stylist. My inspiration for Condé Garcon's show was Egyptian prince. A look I found truly beautiful and inspirational. A look at this was an homage.

Never was it my intention to hurt or offend anyone ever. If I did, I deeply apologize. See, that's the weirdest part. You didn't know, dude? Hey. K? Q-U-E? Oh, one of them had hair. Oh, wow.

Look at this fucking asshole. So many patterns. Why is just doing all of it the most artistic? You know what I'm talking about? Wow, fashion sucks, dude. This guy's wearing a wig out of his shirt. Looks like someone ran full speed into him and got stuck. It's so annoying.

And all the patterns? He's got a checkered board. He's got flannel pants. And then a different colored checkered fucking vest. And a fucking gold chain with a wig over the gold chain and also a wig of cornrows on his hair and black fucking michael jackson shoes hey dude drive by single shot con de garcon yeah right dude

what a cock he was just like put it all on he's like well we have all these things left and we bought them they're gonna go to waste and he just said put them all on we's like well we have all these things left and we bought them they're gonna go to waste and he just said put them all on we have extra wigs hang them over their chest oh my god dude strong with everyone it's on my babies wow i got some weird apps on my phone that just pop up. This app tells me what's going on in the neighborhood. Looking for a good divorce lawyer, it says. Bro, who are my neighbors living in sin?

Stick it out. What do you fucking, what do you want want the end of days stick it out dude stop living in sin stick it out or go to hell he said drinking his iced americano like he does every day and like how he has every day ever since he was 23. Dude, one time my buddy told me, I used to live with him and he was like, I was like, you want to get a coffee? He's like, who the fuck goes and gets coffee? Why would you go get coffee? That's so weird to just go get coffee, bro.

And then years later, I saw him at a coffee spot and I drove by and I saw him there and I was like, yeah, okay. Eat your fucking words, dude. And then I drove by and I saw him there and I was like, yeah, okay. Eat your fucking words, dude. And then I drove away. And that's the end of that quick, beautiful, poignant story. Some stories are just real, real, real, real, real, real, real short. Like the passport one, it was good. It was good and it was long because I could implement a fucking Roland Emmerich film in the middle of it. But some stories are good short like one time my friend made fun of me for getting

coffee and then years later i drove drove by and saw him at a coffee spot and that's that um anyway dude that's fucking the con de cason and the fucking things or what's going on in the world and prince harry's leaving the fucking royal shit and it's all good and it's going to be fine the main thing about that is it doesn't matter even a little bit for anybody but we're gonna make a big deal out of it and it's okay now are we gonna make a big deal out of it yes does it matter no does it matter to any of us no does it even really matter to him and his family no it doesn't now is his girl going to make it seem, is everyone going to make it seem like his girl has tainted the world?

I'm like, yes. Did she? No. It doesn't matter. The guy was probably going to leave anyway, and it's fine, okay? I want to actually go on record, and I know I say this all the time, but I love fucking Canada, and I say it all the time, but I love Canada. It's so nice. People are so friendly. They were raised right. And when I go to Canada,

every time I'm like, why is everybody in America so shitty? And then I come back to America and I go like this. Yeah, I fit right in. I fit right in. We got this dog we rescued and we may keep it. I'm not sure about that, but we may keep it we may not but he's a great dog and we love him i'm gonna call him chenzo and he's skittish a little bit because he was running around in the valley without a coat on and it was cold doesn't eat dog food the guy's highfalutin man whoever had him before was fucking for sure like cooking him blue apron or some shit. Because he won't eat dog food, and then whenever I'm eating anything, he's just like

all of a sudden he's a trick dog on his hind legs. And I'm like, oh, so you know what the fuck's going on then, dude. Oh, so you know what's up? So if you know what's up, then why are you trying to fucking shit inside and run away when the door's open? That kid will fucking bolt. He will bolt, dude. Workers leave the door open that kid will fucking bolt he will bolt dude

workers leave the door open and he just goes his ass goes in the air and then and nobody could catch him oh he's quick as shit man um i want to play this which is a video that i saw a long time ago, and I always wanted to fucking, and I think about it quite a bit, and it's very funny to me. And the other good thing is, whenever I put my fucking forearm on this table, the wood between the wood and the iron, it pinches the hair of it,

and it really pisses me off. And that's a good thing, just so everybody knows. I'm so glad that that happens. Because it's fucking, why wouldn't I be glad? I love when somebody fucking pulls the shit out of,

anyway. Magma Otis. It's called Magma Otis and my favorite thing here is, in parentheses, best live performance. Okay. It's not,

but also in a way it is. This guy's singing is the way I want to sing. First of all, he's fucking wearing just something that the bad guys in Superman would wear with the Christopher Reeves movie. And his hair has zero product in it, which is the best. When somebody has zero product in their hair, it's fucking goddamn hilarious. You have to...

Bro, are you in this society? Put some product in their hair it's fucking goddamn hilarious you have to bro are you in this society put some product in your hair okay you guys got you literally look like you fucking stuck one of his 1975 fingers into an outlet and then went let's perform this video how funny is it that this video is so loud the way they uploaded it? I have to put it on the bottom fucking, the littlest volume, otherwise it's too loud. Oh, wow, this screenshot is fucking amazing. Look at this. Busting. I don't know why this makes me laugh so much But

Oh wow Every time he takes the microphone away He goes like this Busting Every time he takes the microphone away he busts in his pants a little bit he busts in his fucking superman outfit oh busting dude dude he this is a uh tribute to otis redding right this song is a tribute to otis redding that this fucking french guy, what is this? Legendary singer Christian Vander killing it. Oh no,

what is he, German? What is this? Who knows? Legendary singer Christian Vander killing it. Christian Vander bringing me to tears singing a made-up language about aliens and shit. This is sublime. Is it not a real fucking language? Wow. He's French. Of course. language wow he's french of course i want to be i want to sing like this and i will ah fuck it's so awesome this guy's pure him

ah fuck it's so awesome this guy's pure him he's pure him that's why I always talk about you gotta get to the point where you're so you that it's unreal is that him? no wow look at him older

that's fucking serious Sindelius that is so fucking Sindelius he's 71 right now you know that makes me think Hora Hora Sindelius. That is so fucking Sindelius. He's 71 right now? You know, that makes me think. Hora, Hora Sindelius. This guy's so him, dude. Wow, he deserves so many blowjobs, for real.

Let's go on, because when you go on... Uh-oh, uh-oh! This is where he really kicks it up into high gear. Right here. Yep. Oh. Wow. I've never been in love with a man before, but I'm in love with him for real. That's just fucking... I just got really like so much ready. Wow.

Bro. This has to be a real fucking... Let's look at the comments. Stuck that landing. Why? Let me look at what it does at the end. Stuck that landing. Wow. four people clapping on and they're like okay i guess so um wow somebody writes so ugly and yet so beautiful see that's the best thing that's the best dude when something's bad and good it's absolutely the best it is absolutely the best i

always fucking say this that's why coffee is the best because it's not good but i keep drinking it every day for some reason waiting for it to be good and it's also kind of in a way good that's why i like dumb silly humor because it's good and also bad but that's what makes it good yay we figured it out we don't need to do it anymore We don't need to fucking do any other thing anymore. Yay. I got faint when I did that. Anyway, dude, Sindalia for real. It's amazing.

You got Twitter questions? I thought you said you did and fired. Yes, one fire. Yes, dude. It literally says in the notes, I have two requests. And we don't have them. Yes. That was last week and he didn't delete it.

Yes. He rebuttals by saying it was last week when he didn't delete it. He said seven days to delete it. Yes, dude. Fuck yeah. I love when people have seven days to delete something, but don't do it. It makes my life hard. Yes, dude.

And we have dead airspace. Yes. As in Delia. Do-ho-ho-ho. I get why you listen to this and you don't listen to NPR, dude. Look at this, how I did that. Look at how I did this, how I caught the fucking pen, dude. My name is Daniel

Kim. So that's what's up. I don't know. I guess we could wrap it up. Nah, whatever, dude. We could wrap it up. It doesn't matter. You guys, let's just chill for a little bit you know what is the truth i love you guys for listening to this thank you it really makes me so happy and i'm genuinely thankful for you guys we covered a lot of things today we covered how much i like canada we covered a really uh we covered how nice canadians are We covered my fucking imbecile opener who forgot his passport to try and go to another country.

We talked about Conde Garcon. And we talked about a lot of other things. The Aaron Hernandez documentary. Just recapping. You know, just recapping. But that's it. Not now. Do I want to fucking restart my Mac?

Not now. That's it, dude. You guys are great. Uh, so listen, you guys, I also want to say in a very real note, it is the three year anniversary. It is the three year anniversary for congratulations podcast. And I wouldn't be able to do this podcast. Well, I would be able to do this podcast without you guys, but it would be just me walking around this room, not being filmed and not being audioed

and just talking to myself, talking myself into oblivion and madness. But because of you guys, I'm able to do what I do and be even happier about it because I know people are out there listening and I also know it's helping my bag situation. But thank you for your, some of you guys have been here since the first episode. Some of you guys have listened since the first episode and are still listening 156 episodes later. And guess what? You're going to listen to the 157th.

Some of you guys started on the 60th. Some of you guys, this is your first episode. But what I want to say is, whether you're a long-time listener or whether you've even listened just once, thank you. It's been three years. And it's honestly changed my life. It's made my life better, this podcast. It's helped my material on stage. It's made me life better. This podcast, it's helped my material on stage. It's made me a better comedian.

And, uh, I genuinely, I know I talk a lot of bullshit and I, I'm often very silly, but I genuinely appreciate you guys listening and all the artwork you send me and all the tweets and all the, the crazy DMS that people write, like, you know, fuck me in the mouth or whatever it is, you know, because your dad died early.

I really, truly appreciate all the craziness, the tattoos, the life rips tattoos, the eagle tattoos, the Yakuta tattoos. You guys are all fucking absolutely insane and out to lunch for this cult and one day we will all be sitting in a log cabin that we built in tall grass fucking and sucking and sharing ideas because that's what's important we advanced this society and we advanced the babies we the babies you out there listening right now you baby you help advance society and you help advance this cult in a very positive way so keep fucking and sucking let's get to four years let's get to five years and that's probably it because i hope to be a big action movie star by then. But it doesn't matter. I'll probably still do the fucking podcast

because I need you babies as much as almost as much as you need me. Right? Almost. Fucking and sucking since day one. Fucking and sucking since day one. And that's from the lonely boy. Thank you.

Oh, also, fucking download the cash app for free on App Store or Google Play Market alright you know cause bags and you can text me at 818-239-7087 and I'll be in fucking West Palm Beach soon Robinsonville Mississippi for some reason soon Roanoke Park California cause some reason soon. Roanoke Park, California for some reason soon.

Brea in Las Vegas. Get the new merch. Life rips. Got a surprise for you. Keep checking my website. It's going to be a restock, and there's going to be more new shit. Almost love you guys. Thank you.

Congratulations. Congratulations. You're the best. You're the best. You're the best. Thank you.