Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 157. Casualties Of The Turtleneck Game

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

Today we talk about Kobe Bryant, his legacy, his tragic death and the reaction to it, LeBron, the tendency to be petty, Ari Shaffir, Dennis Murphy, and writing new material. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply episode 157 dude and you know what uh um my elbow feels tight yeah dude my elbow feels tight my back was dude. My elbow feels tight. My back was hurting and it started to get used to it. Now, I'm at the age of my baby's where it's fine. I'm at the age of my baby's where my back is okay.

I'm at the age of my baby's where I'm not going to get better. You know what I mean? I'm just going to get used to the pain. And that's how my back is. And it's all good. Finally, he was getting used to my back. And then my elbow tightened up. Yes, dude.

I have tennis elbow and I don't even play tennis. Yes. I love that, dude. I love that for me. I love that for me I love that for me dude but anyway it's episode 157 and I'm cool dude it's episode

157 and and we did I was in Irvine last week for shows working out some new material I've got like 30 minutes of new material from the uh the um follow the leader tour is it popping yet my baby is some of it's popping some of it needs work some of it needs to be thrown out some of it are little grains of of of something that

it might work into a bigger bit and the larger fucking thing but we'll see who knows got some bits on uh different things so come on out i'm gonna be in pasadena california february that's all sold out uh it's a cock uh west palm beach florida march 20th march 21st robinsonville mississippi for some reason horses Horseshoe Casino and Hotel, Roanert Park, California, April 10th. Where is it? Las Vegas, I got two, April 17th and April 18th. Brea, California, April 30th through May 3rd.

And then again, I'm going back May 7th to May 10th to Brea, California. Because let me tell you something dude they love your boy over in wherever the fuck brea is orange county is it and then i'm gonna go back to las vegas nevada because can't get enough of your boy um wow think about for real people who call themselves your boy and in with like Yo, what's up? It's your boy. It's your boy T-Pain. It's your boy DaBaby. How about how Lil Baby was kind of popping and then DaBaby came up

and now Lil Baby's like, oh man, maybe I should just be the toddler. How can you have two babies in rap? So many Lils, so many babies. There's also Baby. Wasn't that the fucking guy? Who was the guy with the teardrop that was with Lil Wayne? Baby, right? I'm drinking hot tea, bitch.

That part. The air's on, and I'm not going to be sweating, and it's all good, but I got that fucking sneak chain on, dude, if you're watching're watching i have a sneak chain but i'm wearing it on the inside just to let you know that under it all i'm still a little bit dmx um dude i uh i don't really know where to start this podcast to be honest it's uh because yesterday was the day that um i don't want to start with on too much of a down down, but, like, fucking – I found out, you know, Kobe Bryant died, like, at noon yesterday when I was waking up bright and early at noon.

And I just couldn't believe it, man. I couldn't believe it. It's so fucking weird that he died and the way he did i i gotta say first of all i cried like all day which i'm not trying to make it about me but it's so fucking weird that i cried all day because i i didn't really i don't care about basketball i don't uh i don't know much about kobe except for you know he um you, he played basketball. He's one of the greatest of all time. And I just don't know if I – I didn't know I cared that much.

And then when I found that out about how he's 41 and a helicopter crash, I don't – I also like – I never witnessed somebody – hey, turn the air off off it's bugging me i never noticed about um i never noticed how much like there was so in my life somebody dying like prematurely or like even the robin williams thing or the uh michael jackson i was 29 when michael jackson died and robin williams when he died it was like six years ago and robin And Robin Williams was in like in my circle in my life. Like, like we talked about him all the time. I'm a comedian. He was a comedian. I met Robin Williams once and talked with him for a little bit. And just that was rough. That was rough. But for some reason, the Kobe Bryant thing really fucking hit me hard. Like, I mean, maybe it's because we're the same age.

Maybe it's because I'm going to be a dad or some shit. And his daughter was in the helicopter. And it just really fucked me up the whole day. And I had a show in Irvine. And I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do it the way I do. I mean, I knew I'd be able to go on stage. And, you know, – I mean I knew I'd be able to go on stage and I'm a professional. I'd be able to get on stage and do this shit. But I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do it 100%.

Now, I was able to. I got on stage and it was all good. It was fine, which I don't know. Maybe – but I just like was crying four i four or five times i just like people would send me videos of what of him and then an hour before showtime i was like all right you guys you got to stop man i can't i'm gonna be like fucking upset on stage i just didn't know i'm surprised how big of a fucking deal he was to the world like there's nobody who didn't know who kobe bryan was Everybody knows who Kobe Bryant is.

If you're fucking seven years old, you know who Kobe Bryant is. And he only retired like three years ago, which I didn't even realize. Three, four years ago. It's still fun. It kind of felt like he played basketball in a way. And then the thing the other night, like 10 hours before,

LeBron passed him in scoring or whatever it was. And then Kobe was in the news the night before and then in the news for being celebrated. And then in the news for being in such a tragedy. It was just so fucking awful, man. I just, my heart goes out to his family and anybody. I mean, dude, I was watching some of the clips. Like people were just talking about how like he put LA, he made LA was watching some of the clips. People were just talking about how he put L.A. He made L.A. cool again.

He made L.A. I don't realize. I make fun of my opener a lot because he likes sports and he's fucking 35. He's a comedian. I'm like, bro, just hang it up. Stop shooting a basketball at the YMCA. You're fucking 35. Have a child.

You know what I mean? Work on your jokes. The guy's so competitive. It's like, he's like, you don't think I can fucking jump further than you? I'm like, bro, I don't give a fuck. I'm 39. You know?

If you're not getting paid to do anything with a ball, give it up when you're 24. But my opener is just like, let's go's go let's fucking play you don't think i could do it i'm like i don't not only do i not even think or not think i don't care but the point is is basketball when there's somebody like that that transcends it it's about an idea. It's about, it's not even him, which is, it is him because, you know, he's a real person. I don't want to take that away from him. You know, you, you, you make these people out to be bigger than they really are. And, and you think about how they don't have, you know, you don't think of them as like real people,

but he was a very real person, but like, it becomes about, it becomes an idea, you know, like Kobe Bryant was an idea and he was helping women's basketball. an idea you know like kobe bryant was an idea and he was helping women's basketball he you know the way he was with his daughter and she wanted to be in the fucking wnba and that's just beautiful i mean there's this clip on i think it's jimmy kimmel talking about how um uh kobe was just like you know he was talking about his daughter and they were saying about how like oh yeah don't you feel bad that you don't have any sons you know, he was talking about his daughter and they were saying about how like, oh, yeah, don't you feel bad that you don't have any sons? You know, you need someone to carry on your legacy. And his daughter would cut him off and be like, whoa, that's me.

I'm the legacy. And then how he was like, yeah, you're right. You are the legacy. And that's just so awesome that he had his daughter's fucking back like that. You know, I mean, look, it's hard enough for fucking women in in certain ways and just the fact that he was like an out an ally for his daughters and like it was just fucking so awesome and it's it's it's like people need that and now that he died in such a weird fucking way it's about the idea it's about the idea that died too and but yeah but but here's the thing

the idea didn't die because you still have that idea you know it's it's it still lives on he's bigger than the person he was which is fuck man i mean you know it's more than 99.9 percent of people can say and that's a beautiful fucking thing. And it's so tragic the way he died. And it's so tragic the way his, you know, how it happened. But, I mean, no but. It's tragic. However, there is also the idea that lives on.

And that is just, it's so special, man. You know, I don't get too serious on this podcast too much because we like to have a silly goose time and you know that's my idea that i want to fucking get out there uh but when there's a you know and that's bullshit but there's a real idea behind kobe kobe bryan and and it's just you know it's really touching man for a guy like me for a guy like for a guy like me who doesn't even fucking watch basketball you know there were kids out there was nine-year-olds out there that were that were like mourning the the loss of Kobe Bryant and and 50-year-olds out there that were at the Staples Center that was were like you know and and and you know it's it's always a shame when somebody like that dies

because they're not able to witness the love for them and and the and the togetherness that it it you know it brings us all together afterwards and they're not able to see it like even my buddy brody stevens who who was a victim of suicide like he who you know he killed himself and like to see that guy was always insecure about people liking him. He thought people didn't like him. He thought, you know, and he was one of the funniest guys I fucking ever met in my life. And I would see him all the time at the comedy store. And he was a friend of mine.

And he killed himself. That the people, the community, that the comedians and then the people outside of people who are comedians, just fans that just got behind the idea of Brody Stevens. It's a beautiful, it's a sad but beautiful thing. And it's also a shame that that person can never see it. Because he would have loved to see it. And, you know, I don't know. It just makes me think, you know, people say like, grab your loved ones and let them know you love them. And, and I suppose that's very important. Uh, but my heart goes out, man, and that sucks. And it's just a tragedy. And hopefully in a few weeks or months or however a year however long it takes

you to grieve like you can just start celebrating the idea that kobe bryant was and um and that's that you know i mean i think about tupac all the time i know i make jokes about how fucking you know i got i got this shit on a loop here you, and that's not really the idea that Tupac was behind fucking someone's bitch, but it was the, you know, to me, Tupac fucking, it transcends hip-hop. It transcended his rap music. Like, I fucking, he got me through fucking certain times in, you know, as silly as it is as a suburban white kid, but like high school and college and shit like that. And now whenever some shit goes down in the back of my head a little bit.

I ain't got no mother. So I fuck your bitch. And it helps. But, you know, love or whatever out there to all the all the people that are affected by this. God, I can't believe how many people I've never witnessed something. Even the Michael Jackson thing. by this god i can't believe how many people i've never witnessed something even the michael jackson thing i know it was i know michael jackson was probably bigger than kobe but i've never seen something like like this on for for for a celebrity that died uh anyway that's uh that's the the the

real shit and now we'll try to have a silly goose time i mean i'm not i don't ever promise you anything it is what it is and we fly by the seat of our pants my babies and it's all good but uh it's cool it's also cool to me that someone can like like lebron's like this like that someone can fucking be so in the spotlight i mean and and under a microscope and just i mean lebron just take lebron like dude where's his scandal how is lebron just basically you know jesus like i don't want to fucking get the catholics mad even though who cares but like even though who fucking cares right because it doesn't matter right i don't want to piss off the catholics but on right? I don't want to piss off the Catholics, but on one hand, I don't want to piss off the Catholics. But on the other hand, who cares, right?

Couldn't care a rat's ass, you know what I'm talking about? So why is LeBron so perfect? How come nobody's like, yeah, LeBron fucking got mad and choked me. Like, bro, who's that one? Chris Webber? Was that the guy? Who's the guy that choked the dude? That guy wasn't even fucking LeBron. And he was like, I'm going to choke someone. How the fuck do you get everything? LeBron? The guy has got the greatest family. Great. You know, he's got planes and houses. he listens to music on instagram and makes this face that's his scandal that's it him turning it up on instagram that guy is there a dm out there that can expose him you know the guy's fucking unreal and just but my point is how does he like if someone fucked withBron, I feel like LeBron would be like, nah, that's not worth my time. I'm bigger than that. I want to be the bigger person.

Bro, how do you have everything and also be the bigger person? If I had everything, I'm going to be a small person. if i had everything i'm gonna be a small person if i had fucking more than two pools i'm getting smaller dude i swear to god if i get fucking on like if i if you ever see me if i ever get a plane if i ever get a plane i get for real someone's gonna have to throw me in because i'm gonna be this big i swear to god ladder they'll be like hey without the ladder that ladder down dude are you kidding me pilot pick me up just chuck me in there small person now anytime some shit goes down petty anytime some shit goes down somebody could be like you know oh dude i'm petty now bro i have to force myself to not clap back

at these trolls in fucking twitter dude i have to force myself to not clap back at these trolls in fucking Twitter, dude. I have to force myself not to. And when someone talks shit to me on Twitter, I have to force myself to turn this shit down that pops in my head. When somebody is in my Twitter, let's take a new. I swear to God, if I get a plane, I'm going to spend. Straight up. I'm going to spit. Straight up. I'm going to be so small, people are going to be like, where is he?

And I'm going to be in the room. Swear to God, I'll be in a cupboard somewhere. Just like, bitch. I'm Chucky. Swear to God. When I get a plane, I'm Chucky. Swear to God. When I get a plane, I'm Chucky. I'm getting overalls and a striped shirt and just stabbing motherfuckers that talk shit to me on Twitter. Like, how?

How? How does it happen? Look at these motherfuckers that lose their minds. Look at Jared Leto. Hey, Jared Leto, we get it. You have 19 abs. Dude, you got abs touching your cock. We get it.

They go all the way down. We get it, Jared Leto. You got abs that go from your Adam's apple all the way down to the base of your tank. Also, a paddy. Because you got a plane. When you get a plane, how do you not lose your mind? LeBron, he's like, nah, nah, it's all good. I'm an idea.

That's amazing, dude. I swear to God. idea. That's amazing, dude. I swear to God. I just don't understand how you can do that. I mean, I know people that are coming up now that are fucked in the head and they're not even barely famous. They got tickets to sell. They got tickets left to sell. And they're like, I was with a buddy and i'm not even gonna name him because he's a buddy but he snapped at another fucking at a fan dude and i was like whoa whoa bro what about becoming an idea you don't even have a house yet and this this guy's like, some fan came up.

Hey, when are you going to be on Rogan again? And the guy goes, the guy says, I don't fucking know. What about LeBron, dude? You don't even have a pool that you don't share with someone. You got a pool that you fucking share with some families because you're in a complex. And it's fine but don't snap what about being lebron i know some of these fucking guys coming up dude and they're just petty dude and i you know i try

to keep a check on that man but like i'm not even talking about petty i'm talking about like dicks i know some comedians man and they're just jealous bro and it's like why we're all in this together the second a person gets bigger that's in stand-up the second they get bigger it's better for me why don't you realize that the more it's better for all of us the more it's better for all of us, the more it's better for all of us. If you go on a tour with somebody, you know, if I was going to go on a tour with fucking Bobby Lee or whatever the fuck, and we were just, nah, you know what, I don't want to work with that guy because this happened and that happened. And Bobby's like, I don't want to work with that guy because his fucking lips are always wet and he looks like a bird. And I say to Bobby, I don't want to fucking work with Bobby anymore because he's literally a cartoon and he's 50 even though he's 12.

And now we talk shit and then we don't go on tour together. Guess what? We lose out on each other's fucking fans. And it's not as good for each other. I mean, I got one buddy that just thinks everyone's out to get him, dude. I'm not going to tell you if he's an actor or a comedian, but he thinks that everybody is out to get him, dude. And he's fucking it up for himself. And I want to talk to the dude, but he's so hard to talk to.

And I know that if we talk to it, if we talk to each other, he's going to get defensive. And he's fucking it up for himself, himself dude because he's about to have it all and i just want to be like what about planes dude and quite frankly that's the tea quite frankly that's the tea and i don't say that kind of shit. Because you pretty much have to be like either a woman or gay to say that's the tea. But I'll fucking say it as a heterosexual male. That's the tea. So, I don't know.

I don't know, man. It's just, how are you not rooting for people? How are you not rooting for people? How are you not out there rooting for people? How do you let the shit and I'm petty, but I'm petty to a point. If somebody talks shit, I talk shit. I told you fucking. And I'm very interested in, but dude, that's where it stops. How are you not rooting for people, man? They're people that when they do well, if everyone's doing well, everyone's doing well. How is that something so hard to understand?

Especially in the same business, dude. People are so jealous, man. And, you know, I guess I get that way sometimes, but I try to fucking think about it. And I came from a good family, so, like, I had a leg up, you know. My parents taught me well. And not everybody has had good parents, and not everybody has had a life of privilege, okay?

But still, dude, there's people out there that were straight up fucked by their uncle that run businesses and are good ideas. You know? So at the end of the day, a rising tide lifts all boats. And I don't know really what that means, but One Fire wrote it, and it's true. And I do know what it means. A rising tide lifts all boats. That's the truth.

A rising tide, One Fire fired fucking that's the one thing he typed on the thing today for some reason. He thinks he's goddamn Confucius and it's fine, dude. But it's true. A rising tide lifts all boats, dude. So get in the boat. Here comes the tide. I'm just gonna have tea, bitch.

Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer summer or the end of the school year celebration cookies celebrate good times man do you did you guys see the um the this is so this is as ridiculous as – this is like peak 2020. I kind of hate when people say that, but this is the fucking truth. Newscaster. Bring up when the newscaster said the LA Nakers. Remember when she said that? Did you guys see this? I mean it went viral the other day.

Did you guys see this? I mean, it went viral the other day. But the lady basically was talking about Kobe Bryant. Wait, was she talking about Kobe Bryant? Yeah, she was. And it was the LA Lakers. And she was going to say Knicks. And she said LA Nakers.

And it did not sound like Nakers. And also Nakers even sounds bad. So she said it and. And it was so and it was so like, what the fuck? Because she said it quick and there were people that actually thought. That it was an outrage that she said the N word, which is absolutely fucking insane to me. Like, imagine being so racist and insane but also you were able to climb the ladder at as a newscaster to get to the point where you're like no matter what here it goes this is the moment i've been waiting for when one of the most beloved athletes of all time dies prematurely.

I've got it. I've gotten my chance on the worldwide stage to slip in the N word and let everybody know, like there are people that actually think she said that and she's racist, which is so fucking insane. She obviously made a a fucking goof but people are going to want people are trying to cancel this lady the fact that this lady even has to apologize for not for saying nakers is ludicrous but here it is and it does sound bad. A star that was perfectly cast on the Los Angeles Nakers... Los Angeles... Play again. A star that was perfectly cast on the Los Angeles Nakers...

Los Angeles... It really does sound like it, actually. A star that was perfectly cast on the los angeles niggers i mean stopped and said it dude took a break and said the n-word took a break took a breath and was just like let her rip my babies i'm racist and i can't help it anymore you know what fuck it here we go i know i know it's taboo but gotta say it also the worst time you know it couldn't have been a worse time literally literally couldn't have been a worse time one of the most famous beloved black people of all time died and she couldn't have said it at a worse time died fresh one hour before that and she couldn't have said it at a worse time. Died fresh one hour before that

and she had to slip in the N-word. Hilarious. Anyway, she obviously didn't fucking do that so lay off her case. It was a mistake. She meant to say fucking Nicks, I think she said, which is crazy as it is because Nicks have nothing to do with it.

But that's what her explanation was. I guess she kind of does kind of owe an explanation because it really does sound like the n-word still um it'd be great if she just said fucking the like a gay slur like the one that began with f and he was like i'm so sorry i meant to say fire hydrant and maggots you're like what what like really i just hate gays but um that's just i i just hate gays it couldn't help it couldn't help it um i i just think it's how about fucking ari shafir dude this guy is a troll it's the weirdest thing about ari man let me play this or you want to bring it up it's the weirdest thing about ari is like i

know ari and he's always been the fucking nicest guy to me like just all i like i don't judge people i try not to judge people unless – like until I've met them. And the guy is like legitimately one of the nicest guys. He's so nice. Every now and then he texts – I haven't talked to him in maybe over a year. But like every now and then he texts me and he's also done noble shit. Like he texted me once that comics weren't getting paid enough and he was like, hey, I'm trying to sign this petition for comics to get paid. And I was like, that's really sweet.

And then he fucking dosed Bert Kreischer with his family and did this shit. And it's just so – I understand he's a troll. But he wrote, Kobe Bryant died 20 years too late today. He got away with rape because all Hollywood liberals who attack comedy enjoy rooting for Lakers. But play the fucking – the video that Rappaport tweeted it, if you look on his. And it's also probably all over YouTube. But, yeah, like he just did this thing. And here's the thing.

Here's the weird thing about, let me actually play it and then I'll get to it. I mean, all day, Rappaport's been fucking – he's such a sports fan. I mean, couldn't be posting more Kobe shit. I love Michael Rappaport. He's such a fucking nice dude. But no, it's not on his own Instagram. He took it down. No.

So I get pissed, right, because One Fire is taking too long and I could have found it already, but I get pissed. So he linked it up to put it on his computer and play the audio on his computer but now i get pissed off because the first thing you do when you type in a literally comes up ari shafir kobe video and he just went too far and put ari shafir and then clicked on only only ari shafir and that's when i get pissed off now it's fine because i'm trying to be an idea and i don't want to be petty but here it is play it pain in the world and It's always a bunch of terrible stories. And every once in a while, there's a good story. A good story comes out.

A guy who got away with rape got his today. Kobe Bryant is a god. I'm here in Charlotte, the home of the team that originally drafted him. Maybe he wouldn't have raped that chick in Denver if he had stayed in Charlotte with the Hornets. But anyway. Is that it? It's so weird that he did that. I know he's a troll.

And here's the other thing, too. People are like, you know, it's comedy. Some people who are defending him are like, it's comedy. It's comedy, which, yeah. And then people are like, well, where's the joke? And I think... comedy which yeah and then people are like well where's the joke and i think look ari is playing a character that and and he obviously gets off on trolling people like it's what he wants and okay uh and it's insane to me like it's fucking utterly insane that he wants

people to fucking hate him like Like, he's a heel. I get it. Okay. If this was a WWF, he would be fucking Hollywood Hogan or whatever. But, bro, people are not going to know you're joking. And also, there's not really a joke in there. He's just kind of like trying to get people, egg people on. And also, here's the other thing dude you're gonna get your ass kicked like you're a comedian people always know where you are

this when my jaw dropped when he did this and I guess the whole idea is he wants people to talk about it and shit like that. But fuck, man. I mean, it's bad to do that. It's just, I don't know, man. I don't know, man. The other thing, too, is he's like Joe Rogan. A lot of people know who he is from Joe Rogan, so people are tagging Joe Rogan, come get your boy.

You've got to think about that, dude. Oh, God. I don't understand when people want to be so... I don't even know. I don't understand when people like want to be so I don't understand I don't even know I don't even get it like I just don't get how isn't the idea as a comedian to put butts in seats like people are just gonna boycott you

I guess he's trying to find the fucking real dregs of the earth that are just like yeah fuck it yeah that's a weird fan base though man I mean people even comedians are so mad because that's the thing it's kind of bad for comedy to do shit like that because people are like oh well he's gonna here we go hide him behind shit like it's a joke and you're gonna just say it's a joke right

and comedians just can say anything without repercussions, and it's like, yeah, well, we're supposed to be able to, but also make it funnier than that, dude. Make it a little bit, I don't know, wink or something? So you don't get killed? It's a weird thing for me to see, dude, because like I said, I've always been super nice to me. And to see him just do that is just so fucking weird. What a lunatic. What a lunatic, dude.

I always think it's weird. This is not, you know, I don't know if Ari does this or not. I'm talking about someone else now. But, like, I always think it's weird that when, like, somebody dies or whatever the fuck, something happens, kid gets molested and gets exposed. Like, comedians just race to Twitter and, like, are like, ah, let me come up with the best joke so it'll pop off. And it's just like, dude, give it time, man. Or, like, what about the families? I guess, you know, I honestly felt weird posting.

I haven't posted since Kobe died because I felt weird because I don't really post about. Serious shit, you know, I've kind of made it a point to not post about serious shit because I don't. You know, it's comedy. I want to do comedy mostly 95% of the time. Um, I probably do it more than 95% of the time, but so serious posts always kind of make me feel weird to do as a comedian. And I'm not saying I never do it or I should, or you should never do it if you are a comedian, but, um, fuck, I totally lost my train of thought but yeah i just i just feel like it's weird to even post about anything besides kobe right now because everybody knows about it and

it would just be weird to be like here's a funny video i made uh i guess out of respect. I don't know. Mourning? I don't know. Not sure, really. I don't know what to say about that Ari thing, man. That was fucking crazy. And here's the other thing, too. People are like, I want to fuck him up. I want to fucking beat the shit out of them. That's not the answer either. I mean, I know there's a bit that I don't want to ruin the bit, but what's his name?

Chris DiStefano was doing this funny bit about how very generally like people, people, I love Chris DiStefano, man. Love this dude. And it was – he was talking about how people need to get – people on Twitter say anything because they're behind a keyboard and they need to get punched in the mouth though. Like you need to get punched in the mouth. People like that need to get punched in the mouth and that's the reason why they're behind their keyboards because they need to get punched in the mouth, whatever. It's fucking hilarious. Obviously, what I said wasn't just funny because it's not my bit and i just fucking was explaining it but um and i don't want to say the funny part because it's his material you should go see him but um he uh you know punched in the mouth is one thing but like people are like tweeting addresses they're tweeting like that shit is fucking crazy

bro these people need to get checked. Punched in the mouth is one thing, but, dude, don't incite a fucking mob. That is insane. All right, this is your address. This is the person's address. This is everyone's address. Go ahead. Like, that's, I don't know.

I don't think that's the answer, man. I don't think that's the answer. I know some people have done some bad shit, but you got to let the fucking whatever it is, the authorities or the people that or the powers that be. I don't know, man. All right. I got to do these fucking ads here. Here we go. Yeah.

So anyway, dude, I got to show you guys. Here we go. If you go to the app, what do you call it, the podcast app on Apple, and you go to reviews, congratulations. Somebody alerted me to this on um twitter by the way i stopped checking twitter a lot because that's when new year's resolution so i don't let you fucking heathens get to me too much because i fucking trying not to you know too much but you know why does it say and congratulations with chris d'alia hosts are fucking me and d Batista. That's weird, man.

Dave Batista has never been on this show and also doesn't host the show. But I will tell you one thing. Don't fix it. Leave it. Who the fuck put that there? What if Dave Batista did it? He's like, well, I just really like it and I want to be considered part of it. How about this?

How many reviews? 20,074 reviews and ratings. We have a 5.5 out of five. My babies, you killed it. That's so awesome and means so much to me that you guys help. Loving it. Loving it, Loving it. Loving it. It's crazy how many reviews we have. Go out there and review more. Let's try to get it to 21,000 for next week. Let's see what Dateline has. Sometimes I fall asleep to Dateline.

And sometimes I try to fall asleep to Dateline because of, like, Lester Holt's voice or Keith Morrison. Or the guy that sounds like this. I don't know who that is. You know what I mean? Lara was a beautiful young girl. That had a family. And it was everything to her. And she loved cars. But she got ran over.

By one of her cars. Did she do it herself? Or was it her jealous boyfriend? Who is that guy? That's Josh is that josh mckiewicz no no that's not josh mckiewicz is it dennis murphy it's got to be dennis murphy dennis murphy nobody looks like they get food on their fucking shirt more than dennis murphy he looks like he has fucking he would eat like even shit that you don't get places. Here, play it, play it. It's got to be him.

Hey guys, it's Dennis Murphy from the Dayline Show. I just wanted to tell you, we're finishing up some stories here in Southern Illinois and we were just taking great care of the people of the resort in Egyptian Hills. Want to give him a shout out. You guys are lucky to be living in such a pretty part of the country. God, I want to know that guy. Go to one of his things though, where he's like in a small remote area on a lake he's it always sounds like he's figuring out what he's saying as he's on a lake with a boat sam i am

boy i like imagine you had him as a fucking dad and he's he read green eggs and ham to you bro you'd just be hey will you read green eggs and ham and he Eggs and Ham to you. Bro, you'd just be, hey, will you read Green Eggs and Ham? And he'd be like, Green Eggs and Ham. And you'd be like, but he'd be into it. He'd keep reading because he'd love it. I'm on a boat. I'm on a moat.

I'm on my throat. Set. Not this. Fucking fuck, set ryan widmer breaks not this fucking fuck man one fire till the day no agreements no holes barred no lawyers present no money exchanged hands ryan wanted to tell a story he wanted to tell the dateline so i know there are a lot of people in the greater when they hear the name ryan widmer the bathtub case they start to gag but i think this really is must-see viewing for people that have followed this for so long. He tells a story. And, Karen, I think sometimes a—

I got it, bro. Turn it off. I can't do it. I got it right here, dude. It's going to be a commercial. I'm not going to be pissed. Can't wait for this to be a commercial. Here we go.

When the phone rang, she thought it was the usual evening phone call from her son, homesick college student about a six-hour drive away. But it wasn't. It was the police saying that he was missing. A few days later, they found his frozen body out in the woods. Making it up. Making it up. And then so good at his job, he'll be like, I got it.

I got it. And then he does it and making it up but gets it right still. Makes it up. Her frozen body right still makes it up her frozen body was in the woods and pretty like how the fuck did he read the thing they're like no and he's like i've been around long enough i know how i know how people die all you have to do is tell me their name it was david seltzer oh he froze in a lake he froze in his boat and his wife did it the greatest cop of all time just because he's a voiceover of fucking um yeah so so i go to try to sleep to dateline but then it gets so interesting like i was listening to this one called the intruder and dude dateline it's so good how it makes it seem

like you're like oh well fucking dude his family died fuck man this guy had it rough what he's crying. And the phone calls like, I don't know what to do. And then fucking 20 minutes in, you're like, oh, he did it. How did they make me on his side? And then just switch me over and realize that he did it. He completely did it. Anyway, I got to get a fucking turtleneck.

That's the thing. You guys better believe I'm getting a turtleneck. I'm not fucking around till I'm getting fucking turtleneck that's the thing you guys better believe i'm getting a turtleneck i'm not fucking around too i'm getting a turtleneck i gotta get one before fucking it gets warm because i gotta wear this turtleneck because dude i'm gonna look so goddamn sexy in a turtleneck it's unreal dude i swear to god you know what as a matter of fact yay this week i'm getting a turtleneck dude this week i'm getting a turtleneck and all you motherfucking haters that think i won't can go kiss my fucking ass dude i'm getting a turtleneck, dude. This week I'm getting a turtleneck. And all you motherfucking haters that think I won't can go kiss my fucking ass, dude. I'm getting a turtleneck. And it's going to come up to my fucking jaw. And, bro, it's going to make my fucking mandibular pop out so hard.

I swear to God. You know what I'm going to do? I'm getting a turtleneck. But I also guess I got to get towels because there's going to be chicks around. And I don't want their pussies fucking sweating the holes so much that they slip and fall and break their ankles because then I got a lawsuit, dude. I'm going to get a turtleneck and then I'm going to get a bag of fucking big towels and just pass them out when I see chicks and she'll be like, why? Oh, I get it. When I see chicks and she'll be like, why?

Oh, I get it. Why are you? And then see me about my fucking shit popping. Cause also I trim my beard to make it look like, well, bro, when I do a four or a five on the trimmer and my jawline, it's like, people are like, yo, did someone draw that? So I got now a turtleneck with a four or five trim and I'm going to be walking around town like it's legal. Dude, I've got a bag. I'm going to get two bags. I'm going to get a backpack and two fucking big Ikea bags of of towels.

And whenever I see a chick, especially in a skirt, I got to pass out a towel because I don't want her to break her ankles. I got to pass out a towel because I don't want her to break her ankles. I don't want to do, I don't want to fucking, I don't want her to slam her tailbone on the fucking conch. I don't want that. Excuse me, ma'am. Sorry, but I've got a turtleneck on. If I wear a turtleneck, they'll let me in anywhere. Just so you know, just so you know, they'll let me in anywhere, dude. That's how Just so you know. They'll let me in anywhere, dude. That's how fucking sexy I look. Oh, shit. And then this.

Oops. Oopsie daisy. Can you hear it on the audio? Oopsie daisy. The heavy sneak chain comes out. Halfway through the night, I got to go get more towels. You understand me, dude? I swear to God, man.

Put a turtleneck on my body. See what happens. Put a turtleneck on my body. See what happens. Put a turtleneck on my fucking torso and see what happens. Dude, me putting it on like this and then fucking folding it over. That's me folding it over.

Whoops. Me folding it over like that. Putting it on and then me putting it on like this. And me folding it over is when the guitar kicks. Me taking the shit because it's not mocked and just. And then all of a sudden passing out towels, dude. Here you go. Here you go.

And then chicks. Whoa. And because I can't. It's a shame, too, because I can't get towels out fast enough because when I'm in crowded places, girls are like, what the fuck? And they fall and they fall casual. They become, you know, they become casualties to my fucking turtleneck game. Casualties to a turtleneck game. That's what they become.

And it's sad too, man. But hopefully they were an idea. It's sad as fuck. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I tried to get over here as quickly as I could to get you a towel. I know because I've got a turtleneck on. It was really fucking irresponsible and dangerous on me.

And I also have a fucking four or five on my trimmed beard but it's really fucking sad here's an extra towel before you get up put it down i don't want you slipping and falling because your pussy gets so wet because i've got a fucking turtleneck on and then run hustle away with my fucking ikea bags just making this noise, running away with my two big Ikea bags and a fucking turtleneck on with a heavy chain out, just slapping against my chest, dude. God, how sexy can you goddamn be? I also got a backwards hat. I don't call it a hat. I call it a backwards hat. I got a backwards hat. I got a backwards hat.

I got a fucking hat in Florida once, and I wore it, and it was so sexy. And everyone was like, God damn, you're so fucking – what's going on? You do things to me in this hat. I had to get some fucking towels, and then I left the hat on the plane. And then a few months went by. I mourned the hat. And then I fucking was in Irvine today, and I got an L.A. hat. So I'm about to start – man, it's too bad a turtleneck with a fucking

uh hat doesn't look good because it doesn't because if it did they would call me population control that's legit what they would call me because people would be slipping and falling and breaking their goddamn necks anyway dude i don't mean to brag but i'm fucking extremely sexy in a turtleneck and a heavy chain peeking out. And then also just with fucking, I would have cool pants on too. He has a turtleneck and also a heavy sneak chain that sometimes he takes out halfway through the night. But also he's got two heavy Ikea bags with dozens of towels in them just in case women get so wet while looking at him, noticing his number five razor-shaped beard

and gets so wet. And then the wet goes down their legs if they're wearing a skirt, and then they slip and hurt their tailbone.'s when dalia would come up and hand them a towel out of his ikea bag and hope for the best as he ran away giving out towels to women that saw him wow well we started with some real poignant shit on this podcast and then turned into some absolute ridiculous. But I told you it's a silly goose time, dude. It's a fucking silly goose time, dude. It's a fucking silly goose time, man.

And life fucking rips, man. Just remember, even when celebrities die and ideas fucking fade, life rips. You've got to remember that shit, dude. Life continues to rip and it continues to rip and it continues to rip and it continues to rip and it continues to rip, dude. I'm a preacher. So go get your Life Rips merch. I'm trying to make a dollar,

dude. And it doesn't... Whatever, bro. Or don't get one, man. It's an idea. My buddy knows my schedule. You got coffee bean? I have that shirt in my car and I'm headed there. And then he writes me at 149 and then at 152. Whoa, holy shit. It's closed forever.

That's crazy. And then he writes, I think maybe you're recording. So see ya. He knows it. He knows my business. That's awesome, dude. This is the one, dude. One Fire just sent me this one. This fucking turtleneck dude. You know what I need to do? Wow. That's

a good one. St. Laurent cable roll neck knit. Oh, it's only three 65. Oh wow. It's sold out. Great. Can't get it. Yes, dude. I saw a fucking turtleneck the other day at a place and it was so popping and it was $3,000. And I was like, are you kidding me? Sure. Bags. But you kidding me? I was like, sure. Of course. Bank account exploding. But you kidding me? I was like, sure. Got to open the windows to my house so the cash can breathe. But you kidding me? I was like, sure. I've got stacks. And if I lay down, looks like I've got three cocks in my pants, but still, hey, can me? Come on, dude. It was 3K and I'm like, pass.

But also, guess what? Wish I got it. Because no deadly aunts. No fucking deadly aunts. Dude, I'm getting a black turtleneck and y'all could go fuck yourself for real. And put that on my tombstone when i die for real and i know someone's gonna photoshop this shit whatever dude but when i die put this on my tombstone i'm getting a black turtleneck and y'all can go fuck yourself for real i'm serious

oh dude i can't wait to get a i'll wear shorts with it you bitch um yeah so I'm gonna get a fucking look at these fucking turtlenecks bro you know what I need to do I need to be one of those fucking hookers on Instagram and be like here's my gift list and just have one thing on it a fucking dope 3k turtleneck

and some rich fucking either old housewife lady or some old fan is going to get me one dude and then send it to my po box and i'll rock that shit dude i need to get one of those hooker things when models have that fucking thing here's my gift list my lift my gift list you're a fucking straight up hooker dude just blow dicks about that? You look at what's on it. A bag. Oh, yeah?

Why do girls love to keep things in things? Mr. Porter, they got fucking turtlenecks. Who's that? I don't know, but turtlenecks are amazing. The authorities seem to write off that death to youthful indiscretion. Making it up, but still getting it. Ooh, a brown turtleneck looks nice. Ralph Lauren.

Ralph Lauren. Ralph Lauren. I'm going to make it more. Ralph Lauren. Purple label. Pfft. Need it. Wow.

I'm going to be the only motherfucker in summer wearing a turtleneck. I don't like those puffy ones. God, you look like a bitch when you wear those puffy ones. The puffy necks. Wow, you look going to be the only motherfucker in summer wearing a turtleneck. I don't like those puffy ones. God, you look like a bitch when you wear those puffy ones. The puffy necks? Wow, you look like a bitch. Like, what is this, 1996 in your Lance Bass? Oh, wow, look at this one.

Logo. Now look at this one. Jesus Christ, we could build Cosby on a warm day. Can't wait to get a turtleneck, you motherfuckers. You're not going to know what hit you. That's how you know. I'll know that chicks are feeling me with my turtleneck, but they'll be like, hey.

Pass out a turtleneck. Dude, I'm going to bring little towels around for real. I'm going to do that. I'm going to straight up do that at the Laugh Factory one night. Maybe Wednesday night. Yeah. That's what I'm going to do. All right.

That's it. Twitter questions? Nah, fuck it. Should we wrap? Let's look at a Twitter question or two. We should do fucking... We got to do... You know what we're going to do next time?

Instagram, most fucked up Instagram post of the week. We got to start doing that again. That was fun. And people are dumb as shit. It's about these Australian fires, but still showing me their titties and shit. Okay. Congrats...

Oh, did the derivative scale? Look at this lady. Wow. Dude, look at this girl. She's going like fucking 12 miles an hour in a target with on a bike. And she tried to take a hard turn. She obviously hadn't ridden a bike in years. LMFAO. What's the deserve it scale? Wow. Deserve it scale. I don't know. At a 10, bro. I mean, you're going 12 miles an hour on a fucking mountain bike in a, oh, no, it's not even a mountain bike. It's a, it's a,. I don't know. I did a 10, bro. I mean, you're going 12 miles an hour on a fucking mountain bike in a – oh, no, it's not even a mountain bike. It's one of those basket bikes. And just fucking crashing near the Tupperware, you know, with a jean jacket on.

Don't ride a bike with a jean jacket on. Wow. Here we go. Oh, here we go. My brother and I have this argument all the time is it is it cuda to not do something that you like because other people say you shouldn't for example liking a shirt certain show or reading comics or things like that good argument good argument um i think people i i think it's more about the hive mind. Like people don't think for themselves being a CUDA distilled.

That's a term. If you're, if you're new to the congratulations podcast, you're a CUDA. It comes from being a Barracuda. Barracuda is just see shiny objects and gravitate towards them. You CUDA, right?

Like Coachella is CUDA because maybe you don't even like the band's playing but you're like gotta go because everyone else is going right so like a comic or like certain show watching it just just watching it isn't cuda like if you're at home and you're like let me see what this fucking um uh watchmen is all about because people are talking about it. That's not CUDA. But if you don't get it and you're like, I still got to watch it, and then somebody talks about how good it is, and you don't think it's good, and you're like, oh, no, yeah, it's great, it's CUDA.

But just doing it, things become popular, and they're popular for a reason. But it's always a fine line, man. And we all have a little bit of cootie in us. And I always say this, you know, you have to have a little bit of cootie because if you don't, you're dead. You're not fucking, you're a cold body. But yeah.

So I can't really answer that question really hard. But yeah, no, the answer is no. It's not cootie just to do something that other people like because you have to learn what you like anyway. Anyway, that's good that's good that's it we're done this is over an hour we're good uh you guys are great uh come to see me in brea i got two weekends there it's gonna sell out it's a big club but you got

to get your tickets now uh i'm gonna be in brea that's gonna be fun i'm working out this new material i got like 30 minutes of new material by that time i'll have more than that i'm trying to eke out this follow the leader tour you know how many cities i did on fucking uh the follow the leader tour as a matter of fact here's the deal here's what i'm going to do right now i uh i have i played a lot of cities. Follow the leader tour. Follow the leader tour. It's drunk. But if you can guess how many cities I played and tweet it to me or DM it to me, whatever. I don't really see many DMs.

But if you tweet it to me and you get it right, I'll give you two free tickets to my show next time. The first person who gets it. I'm not going to forget, but if everyone gets it, I'm going to make these bags. But the first person that guesses how many cities I did on the Follow the Leader Tour, my agent just told me, the first person that gets it, I'll give you two free tickets, and I will meet you when I come to your city. So that's the competition uh so just guess and that's and then and then that's cool and then it's a competition that will do uh a

giveaway or whatever the fuck and text me actually no you know what that's what we're gonna do you're not gonna tweet it you're gonna text it to me i I'm going to check my texting, my community texts. And the first person to text me how many cities correctly, how many cities I did on the follow the leader tour. I'm going to give you two free tickets and a meet and greet when I come to your city next time. city next time i might text it text me at 818-239-7087 that's 818-239-7087 text me the first person to text me the amount of cities that i played on follow leader tour gets two free tickets and a meet and greet uh and that's it so uh yeah we're life rips hoodies i think they're all sold out fucking again but i'll try to restock them when i can. You guys, I mean, you guys, we added the black ones now. They're so dope.

I didn't even know people would want the black ones, but now they're selling more, even more than tie-dyed ones. You guys, love you guys. Remember, life rips, and keeping it real. Keeping it real. Keep it real, and try to be positive, man. Let's be positive, you guys. I guess.

Love you guys. Some of you. Some of you guys are probably pieces of shit. But I'll see you soon. See you in West Palm Beach. See you guys. Some of you. Some of you guys are probably pieces of shit. But I'll see you soon. See you in West Palm Beach. See you in all

the places. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Outro Music