Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 16 - Menefreghista

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

Hey! It's the 16th episode! Happy Mother's Day. On today's pod, Chris talks about Steve Harvey's email. Also discussed: people who wear bibs when they eat stuff, Will Smith, a word that Chris's dad uses to describe Chris, the problem with people who kill it, a couple of good stories from the road, and a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate and review on iTunes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. exterior features compelling proportions and precise detailing. Built with integrity and purpose, the interior boasts robust, durable materials. Whether it's the all-terrain capability, ample cargo capacity, or innovative camera technology, the Defender 110 lets you go further and do more. And with seating for up to seven, everyone can enjoy the journey. Learn more at LandRover.ca. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron's great. You understand me? I'm Chris D'Elia, and I'm telling you this.

For less than $10 a person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. You don't even have to think about it. It just shows up at your door, and then you make this food. And you've got to choose from a variety of new recipes each week, and they set it up for you. Let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you even. You could do that. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. You understand me?

Welcome to Congratulations. This is the podcast. This is how we're doing it. Okay? And this is like the 16th episode, I think. This is the podcast. This is how we're doing it. Okay? And this is like the 16th episode, I think. I have no idea. I literally have no idea until I'm done with it. My producer's not here.

It's just me. We're seeing if I can roll dolo, dude. I'm on my dolo. What the fuck? I'm on my dolo. I don't even know if that means by myself, but... I know Ice Cube says it. So I'm on my dolo. I don't even know if that means by myself, but I know Ice Cube says it. So I'm on my dolo. But yeah, so I'm by myself.

You know what that means? I'm in my podcast room and I'm completely naked and I don't give a shit. I wanted to always feel what it's like to do my art and speak my mind to a bunch of people, thousands of people, letting my balls just air out, and that's how it's going to be. It's actually a little more echoey because my producer's not here, and he always brings a bunch of fat cats with him, and he lies them around. So it eats up the sound.

He brings about 15 to 16 fat cats and sets and he lies them around. So, uh, it eats up the sound. Uh, he brings about 15 to 16 fat cats, uh, and sets them all up, but I'm naked. I'm completely naked. Uh, and, and that's what's up, dude. This is the naked podcast. Congratulations. The naked podcast. Um, so, uh, I am in Los Angeles and I've been in Los Angeles for a week and you know, I've been doing this movie. Uh, I shot the movie for about three weeks and then I was back in LA Los Angeles, and I've been in Los Angeles for a week. And you know I've been doing this movie. I shot the movie for about three weeks, and then I was back in L.A., and I'm wrapping up my time in L.A. now because I'm going back to Toronto to do the movie, to finish up the movie. And I have enjoyed being in Los Angeles.

I caught up with some people. I got to see my mom for Mother's Day, or as she said, calls it mullahs day. I don't know why she does that. She does that cause she likes to just be silly and weird. But, um, yeah, so, uh, I did that and, uh, and now I'm going back to Toronto. Um, and, uh, I'm, I feel like I went, Oh, well, here's the deal. I went up last night. I did some standup at the comedy store in the Laugh Factory

and it felt good, man. It felt really good to be back home and doing stand-up and doing jokes. And a lot of this stuff was newer stuff and it was very cool because some of the people there hadn't seen me in about three or four weeks and some of the door guys were like,

hey, the new stuff kept me charged, man. It made me realize I'm a comedian, you know, even though I've been doing this, this drama in Toronto. It made me realize that at my heart, I'm a comedian. So thanks for, thanks for letting me do that world. And so now I'm, I'm, uh, I'm chilling. They asked me when I wanted to go back to Toronto. Uh, they gave me an early flight or a late flight option, asked for the late flight. And they said, nevermind, they're going to give me the early flight.

Uh, so I said, okay, you know, cause I'm, uh, I'm not going to argue with production. Uh, went to this nice place for mother's day or for Mullah's Day, as my mom would call it, for fun. And it was a fish place, and they had the jackasses. If you're a grown man, and you're eating crab, you don't fucking put a bib on. Do you understand me? That's for a six-year-old. You grown man? That's for a six-year-old.

You grown man. I saw this grown man that was just eating crab and had the bib on like he was a fucking eight-year-old, but he was 40 something. And you could tell by the look on his face that he just wanted to order the crab so he could be cute and put the bib on. Makes it double, doubly bad. If you really want crab and you're like're like i want crab and then you're like you know what i really don't actually want to mess up my suit then fine that's bad enough just be good get the shit on your suit or fucking be careful you're an adult but um that's it man

if you're not if you're not if you're, if, if you were like, maybe I'll get the crab, maybe I'll get the fucking, you know, um, salmon, but you're like, oh, but I'll wear the bib. It'd be fun. I'll be the funny guy at the table with the bib on and I'll do bib jokes. He Kuda and you know it dude. Cause you seen something and you need distraction. Um, yeah, don't do that.

I don't know what, I don't know. Um, I don't know. Don't do that i don't know what i don't know um i don't know don't do that that's my psa for now the first you got to start off start off hot that's my hot shit right there it's the new hotness when i saw men in black the trailer and when he said and when will smith said old and crusty or he said old and busted new hotness. And he pointed to his car and said new hotness. I was like, I love Will Smith from now on. I mean, I already love them, but that shit fucking new hotness. You're 40 and you say new hotness.

Actually, he's probably less than younger than a dude. How about when? Okay. I'm 37 now. And I watched back these movies that I loved and I was like, oh man, let's watch a movie. Will Smith. What's an old Will Smith movie?, what's an old Will Smith movie? And you watch an old Will Smith movie and he was fucking, and you're, and you expect him to be like

45 because you're, you were younger and he was a grown man. But really Will Smith is like fucking seven years older than me. He's not 50, right? Dude, that's insane to me to look at Men in Black and be like, oh, he was 19. Oh, he was 14 in that. Oh, oh, Will Smith did men in black when he was 11. Drinking. Le Croix, if you're a cocksucker, or you can say Le Croix. I want every, by the way, I don't like like that like any kind of like croissant like it's croissant if you're in america it's croissant it's not croissant because everything in every language should have its other language version right Like burrito in, you know, Spanish is now burrito. If you're a fucking order and you say burrito as an American, you're a fucking asshole.

Get the bib. Eat that burrito. You know, but there should be something like that. My dad said something to me like uh yeah you're a real i can't remember the i can't remember the word but it was a word that was in italian every now and then my dad is s italian it's like all of a sudden he's like and you're like uh but he used the italian word and i said what the hell does that mean he's like there's not a word for it in english it means one who simply doesn't give a fuck

i'm like well just then don't use that word i wish i remember what it was but i don't remember um so he did that and then i invited him to get a burrito and drink some la cua la cua la cua la cua la cua um so yeah don't um don't have the bib and also you know but i don't know everyone always thinks they're fucking extra and cool and fun and i i like to think about you know what's funny to me is like when people like the bib guy if you take a guy who's like the big, the big, the big guy. I don't know why it took me 40 tries to say that. But the bib guy at the restaurant, the look at me, look at me guy or the guy who walks in. I saw a guy walk into the coffee shop yesterday or one of these days recently.

I don't know why I need to tell you guys the truth about that. But it was one of these days, not yesterday, I don't think. And he walked in and you can tell he was filling himself like he was murdering, just walking in, right? Like he thought he felt like maybe I, maybe I'm on the Truman show just, just in case I'm on the Truman show and everybody in the world's watching, I'm going to blast through this door. Like I'm John goddamn Wayne. And so he walked through the door and you could tell he was filling himself because his eyes were a little bit little bit squintier lintel bit squintier or little bit squintier i think i meant little bit squintier because

a lintel bit squintier is not words are not words so he walked in and he was killing it a little bit and immediately when i think when i see somebody who does that that thinks they're all that or killing it or fucking you know if they got a cool oh by the way you know who i also saw recently there was a few um episodes ago maybe actually was like the third or fourth episode i saw a guy i was making fun of the guy who was wearing the cool dope shit and his name was still brad at the coffee shop like you can't wear the dope as shit if and then he still has to say his name is brad or whatever the name was um so i always like to imagine those guys the dope as shit. And then he still has to say his name is Brad or whatever the name was. So I always like to imagine those guys as dope as they are, as cool as they can possibly be.

I like to imagine them dead asleep because to me, that's hilarious. No matter how dope you are, no matter how fucking ill your collar is or how fucking shiny those boots are or roughed up those jeans are in the most perfect way or how cool you think you are and charismatic you think you are when you're talking to a lady you still fucking sometimes sleep like a baby and that's so funny to me to be like yeah i'm the shit but then imagining that guy all curled up like a cute motherfucker just like and then waking up just like you little bitch you little fucking bitch you still have to sleep a lot that's so funny to me i could imagine myself one day in my old age getting mad like at somebody that thinks he's cool Like super dope and just being like fuck you you sleep you still fucking sleep sometimes like a baby and have him having no idea What the fuck I mean? But I know what I mean

That's nirvana. I think I legitimately think that's nirvana Is when you're saying shit like that, whatever the italian fucking word is The fuck is that italian word word i'm gonna text my dad right now he won't get back to me till tomorrow because he's fucking 70 um hey dad what was that word italian watch i'm gonna say hey dad what was that italian word And he's going to be like, what Italian word? You got to be real specific with people as they get older. You can't be like, like you could say, hey, hand me that thing to a 25 year old and they know exactly what you're talking about.

You say, hand me that thing to a fucking 75 year old, they'll look at you like it's the last question on fucking Jeopardy. Like, I didn't study. Like, that's how they'll look at you you'd be like the fucking thing we were talking about for the past 20 minutes give me the scissors like we should have said fucking scissors um yeah whatever uh whatever it was though how cool oh it's really cool too that i have two fucking networks in my house for some reason so it never works when i fucking doesn't the one the one i i like to use siri voice text the one that doesn't give a fuck

that's so not good english but he's so he's not gonna know what i mean but anyway um so yeah uh well i i don't remember what i was talking i'm completely off base here worst host host ever worst fucking host ever you know what honestly uh oh yeah sleeping like a baby like sleeping like a fucking baby dude it's it's funny to me i used to think about like how no matter how funny how fucking fucking dope someone was, like they trip. But like tripping isn't as good as sleeping. Like we have to sleep. Like that's, like we, no matter how cool we are, no matter how dope we are, we still fucking, our number one, something we need to do is sleep.

Nobody's better than that. That's the best to me. We're all bitches because of sleep. All bitches do is sleep. Nobody's better than that. That's the best to me. We're all bitches because of sleep. All bitches because of sleep. Speaking of bad hosts, and this is actually not fair because I don't think he's a bad host. I think he's a great host. But did you hear, but speaking of hosts, period. We'll say sleep speaking of hosts.

Did anybody see, I kind of missed this. I got late in the game here. I didn't know about it the day it happened when it was blowing up but this email that steve harvey sent out to his to his um uh to his um staff about how the new rules for season five on his show and and the internet is like lighting them up for it um and everyone's like this guy should be fired this guy should be uh replaced and they have like they're trying to get like 50 000 signatures and they already got like 25 000 signatures to fucking cancel his show and i did a show get yeah it did can't they did cancel it it says right here uh this is from robert fetter chicago media served fresh daily since 1980 thursday marks the final day of production for the steve harvey show after

five years in chicago after that it's packing up and moving to los angeles okay no it didn't get canceled it's just moving to los ang. That's the thing. And everyone wants him to get fired online because this is the best. I fucking love Steve Harvey, by the way. After this, I'm a, I'm a huge Steve Harvey fan. I don't give a fuck. I don't care politically. I don't care who you're for. I think he's for Trump. I don't give a fuck. You do you Steve Harvey. Politically, I don't care who you're for. I think he's for Trump. I don't give a fuck.

You do you, Steve Harvey. We need people in America that fucking do them. You understand? I just, you know, maybe everybody should vote. That's what I think if we're talking politics. But we're not. We're talking about personal shit. No, we're not talking about personal shit.

We're talking about you in the workplace. You got to do you, bro. Sociopaths and psychopaths fucking succeed because they're hyper-focused. And I think Steve Harvey may be a fucking psychopath or sociopath. So, here are the rules that he put out for season five. And I have a lot of thoughts about this, okay? On this website it says... Okay. These are the things he said good morning on the email good morning everyone this is the email he sent to everybody good morning everyone welcome back

good morning everyone welcome back so starting really nice i'd like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for season five of my talk show now he came out with a fucking bang right like he was nice for two short sentences and And then he was like, now here's how it's going to go motherfuckers. That means that he shouldn't even have been nice in the first two sentence. I don't like that. I got to say he should have either been nice, nicer for longer or just started off. What's up motherfuckers. And then I'd like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for season five to my talk show. Now, I think this is how it should have been. What's up, motherfuckers?

This is how it's going to be from now on. And I think instead of all that shit I just read, this is the and the words how it's going to be from now on should all be one word. That that would be. This is the only way that I would be a bigger fan of steve harvey after this email is if this he did it like this what's up motherfuckers this is how's gonna be from now on one word okay and then this is back to what he actually said there will be no meetings in my dressing room no stopping by or popping in no one love that he said stopping by or popping in. No one. Love that he said stopping by or popping in because he meant it. He said the same thing twice with different words. And then he said in caps, no one. So that means even the

people that thought that they were closer than him, than the other people that were reading the email, just read that part and got extra like, oh, he means me. It like like he i love the fact that steve harvey probably has a best friend on the show and he still sent the email to everybody and included the best friend and that no one was particularly for that best friend okay then he writes do not come to my dressing room unless invited now that's the same goddamn thing he just said, which is amazing. Okay. So far it's like somebody, every episode comes into so far, this email is literally written. Like somebody comes into his dressing room every, uh, shoot day and fucks him up the ass. And, and, and he does not want it to happen. And he cannot stop it. And no matter what, and as he gets fucked in the ass,

he's like the guy saying this shit in French or whatever fucking word, whatever language, and he's just like blah, blah, blah. And Steve Harvey's like, who the fuck is this French guy saying? What's he saying? He never knew what he was saying. He didn't know who he was because he's hooded and then after season four right before season five he realized that in french the guy was saying if you want us to stop all you have to do is email everybody in your staff about and i won't pop by the only way you can make me not stop pop by is if you email me by the way i'm in your staff you don't know who i am and he realized who he was so then this is what he says do not open my

dressing room door which is the same goddamn thing this motherfucker had a traumatic in in uh instance happen a lot in his dressing room and then in in caps, if you open my door, expect to be removed, removed like you're a molar, not like you're a person. Couldn't love Steve Harvey more right now. Okay. Then my security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me or fuck me up the ass in parentheses french guy that's for you just kidding it ended with speak to me obviously but that's how it because we know something was going on then it says i want all the ambushing to stop now now you know he's been fucked in the ass repeatedly in his dressing room you know for sure that he's been

fucked in the ass because he used the word ambush. Like he kind of like showed his hand right there. And he writes, that includes TV staff. Now right there, he thinks that the French guy is a TV, like there's some French people in his TV staff. And he thinks that maybe some of those guys are the guys that fuck him up the ass. Then he writes, you must schedule an appointment.

Now that means maybe he would like to get fucked in the ass, but he writes, you must schedule an appointment. Now that means maybe he would like to get fucked in the ass, but he doesn't want to be taken by surprise while he's getting fucked in the ass, right? He wants to at least know it's coming so he can do some calisthenics first. Okay. Then here we go. Here we go. This is the part, the thing that really fucking takes it to the next level and to where we know that something went down. and takes it to the next level and to where we know that something went down. I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past.

This ends now. No more in caps. Nobody says no more in caps unless you've sincerely been, and I mean this, taken advantage of sexually. Nobody says no more in caps like that. Nobody types that

unless somebody's been taken sexually advantage of. Here's another, he keeps going. Do not approach me while I'm in the makeup chair. Unless I asked to speak with you directly, either knock or use the doorbell. My favorite thing about that is why is there a goddamn doorbell in the makeup trailer. It's a makeup trailer where you only get makeup done. By the way, I don't know. A lot of people probably don't know how it works. A makeup trailer is legitimately just used for getting your makeup done. There is no reason there should be a doorbell on it. And that's why Steve Harvey is my number one favorite person at this point in this email. Okay.

This is the best part right here. I'm not the best part. I'm sorry. It just keeps getting better is what I mean. Next. He says, I promise you, I will not entertain you in the hallway. That's like, that's funny to think like I'm an entertainer and I'll fucking entertain people on the show. But don't you fucking think I'm going toer and I'll fucking entertain people on the show.

But don't you fucking think I'm going to be tap dancing motherfuckers in no hallway. This is the best. Oh man, this is so specific. I love it. I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway and do not attempt to walk with me. This dude wants to fucking roll on his dolo, dude. This is now, this is another part that fucking hits the friends, hits his friends. If you're reading this, yes, I mean you. So what, guess what that means? That means me too. Me, Chris, D'Elia, me, I'm not on this show,

but I read it. So he means me. I like that. The email is personal to me Now and then he writes a little bit tries to realize maybe he got a little hot So he writes everyone do not take offense to the new way of doing business It is for the good of my personal life and now that's fine. But then this part is the really motherfucker He writes and enjoyment It is for the good of He writes, end enjoyment. It is for the good of my personal life, end enjoyment. Mean, take the personal life out of it.

It is for my enjoyment. Oh! Hey, don't walk with me. Don't pop in my room. Ring the doorbell on my makeup trailer. Do not fucking come up to me in the hallway because because and and and i want you to know that you can't do this because it's for my enjoyment that's amazing that's an evil villain that's the king that went bad and decided to ruin the nation or whatever the fuck you rule over. It's awesome, dude.

That's amazing. Now talk about not giving a fuck, one who doesn't give a fuck. My dad texted me back, Man of Fragista. Man of Fragista. One who does not give a fuck Steve Harvey And people are like He should be fired

He should be fired Fuck that Fuck that He's the boss He's the boss It's his show You can't do the show without him They're going to turn the fucking show off the air

Fuck that Don't work for him. I understand everybody like relies on, oh, that's my job. Now I got to work. Fuck that. Have, you know what, dude, if somebody said that to me, if somebody had those rules to me, I couldn't help myself. I'd have to fucking pop. Hey, what's up Steve in the hallway. What's going on, man? He'd be like, did you read my fucking email? Or he wouldn't even entertain me. he'd be like did you read my fucking email or he wouldn't even entertain me he i mean fuck that he's my hero in business we need more motherfuckers like that that's awesome it's my favorite literally that's my favorite email i've ever read no doubt no doubt i just like thinking about how some french guy definitely fucked him in the ass.

And that's why he wrote that email. I mean, that's just... But the amount of flack he got on the internet for that is just so stupid. It's so stupid to go after somebody like that. It's fine to make a joke. Like, you know, if comedians are like whoa steve harvey is a fucking diva and fucking making jokes about it you know but come on dude really oh he's a piece of shit nah that's how we got it that's

now let me tell you something too a person like that is either miserable or the happiest motherfucker i was i mean i saw somebody the other day that was talking about uh you know she was insane and she was she kept on repeating herself like hey if she said if you need a new um costume designer if you need a new costume designer yeah there's a costume you know i'll get your costumes all set up just talking to nobody nobody she was talking to nobody at a cafe and she was happy no she had mental problems of course because she wasn't a costume designer and because she wasn't looking at anybody talking. She was pretending like she was talking to people that weren't there or just kind of to the room.

But that's like a step or two away from what Steve Harvey is. Steve Harvey is a step or two away from that. But those people are happy. Some crazy motherfuckers are happy as shit, dude. You see them laughing. You see them laughing and drooling and picking their nose in public without a care in the world. God bless. Manifragista.

Live it up, my babies. Manifragista, dude. Manifragista. I'm doing this fucking podcast naked as shit. Manafort Gista. You feel me? Ah, you know what I mean. Ah, boy.

Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient in recipe delivery service in the country. In the country. You want to miss out on that? No. Its mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone. All right. It's a more sustainable food system. It sets high standard, the highest standards for ingredients.

And it builds a community of home chefs. All right. You can get the food yourself. It's also, it's partnered with over 150 local farms, fisheries, and ranchers across the United States. All right? Seafood is good. It's developed. They're under standards.

Developed in partnership with the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch. The beef and chicken and pork come from responsibly raised animals. You know? You can, and you can, it's affordable also. You might be like, well, that must cost $14,000 a month, but it doesn't. It's not for, it's not for somebody who's loaded, who's got boats. You can get it for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-proportioned ingredients to make

delicious home cooked meals. All right. It's got a variety and it's flexible too. You can customize your recipes each week based on your preferences, several delivery options, choose what fits your needs. And there's no commitment weekly. So you can get deliveries when you want them. It's easy. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping. Go to blueapron.com slash congrats. Just Go to blueapron.com slash congrats. Just hit that blueapron.com slash congrats.

You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. Don't wait. Go to blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. way to cook. I always wanted to be one of those guys that like had a, that did a voiceover for like some fucking company and did a tagline. And at the end of the tagline, you talk like this Hyundai, it's got four wheels and feels amazing Hyundai I'm so bad by the way at hearing people's voices when I know who they are I know it's somebody but I don't know who you know but it's like just the voiceover and and it's like a Hyundai commercial or something you're like who is that

and then I have no idea and I don't want to google it because that's cheating and then seven weeks later I just go like this James Spader and I figure out who it is walking down the streets of Toronto. And people think I have Tourette syndrome. And my tick is screaming out James Spader. Man of Regista, babies. You got to get to that point in your life. You're happier, I think, to a point. And then you get to the point where you're like

fucking insane and then you you know you maybe go down down the hill the other way this guy uh sent me the most powerful dm i ever got uh let me see if i can find it oh boy i have no fucking idea how am i gonna find this i don't know if i'll find it but come on motherfucker okay i'll just uh say it say what he said. He said, hey, man. Hey, man. Yo, you like cutting off people on the road, huh? On Hollywood Boulevard or whatever.

That was me you cut off in the white Prius. Amazing, dude. Amazing. First of all, I honestly don't think it was me it i guess it could have been but whatever to get then get that mad and then direct message somebody for it is just the fucking most hilarious thing what a fucking bitch i wanted to screenshot and put it up but i can't find it now i can't fucking too many so popular you know uh but how funny is that that he did that that's some gangster fucking social media gangster shit i got a release date for my uh uh, my special, by the way, it's January, January fucking idiot. Yeah. It's in 17 months. Uh, it's, uh, it's June, uh, June 27th, June 27th, man on fire,

Netflix only on Netflix. That's my new special coming out. So geek out. If you're a fan, if you're not watch it anyway it's a little bit more grown up than my last shit just trying to grow as an artist man i hate when people say that but it is kind of true you do have to do that you can't keep doing the same thing over and over again because then you know it's like what the fuck you know do work out of your uh comfort zone i guess right try try that's what it is really is try just try don't be complacent i think so it's uh definitely more of a point more point of view driven more uh more um it's definitely still silly but it's uh i tell more stories about what's going on in my life

i'm really proud of it to be honest um and uh and so i'm excited for it to come out i don't know though man everyone's getting specials nowadays it's i feel like specials aren't even special anymore you just got to keep coming out with them and you got to be more and more um uh prevalent with them i don't know because you got to you got to keep reminding people that's what burr was saying to me you got to keep reminding people. That's what Burr was saying to me. You got to keep reminding people that you're out there until they just fucking can't ignore it. Cause he, he does a special once every like a year and a half and I'm on like once

every year or an a half or two year and a half or two years. Um, and, uh, but you know, it helps also doing movies and you do a movie that comes out, you're in a TV show that comes out, you're in a fucking,

um, um, yeah, you got a fucking that comes out, you're in a TV show that comes out, you're in a fucking... Yeah. You got a fucking podcast, you know? You got to be in these motherfuckers' faces, especially because they can do anything they want to now. You can do anything you want to. You don't have to watch a movie. You can just look at your phone and stay on Twitter.

Nobody goes to see the movie. I mean, remember when movies like King Arthur would fucking murder in the box office nobody went to go see that the movie cost 175 million dollars to make opening weekend it made 14 million dollars it's a shame too it's probably fucking cool and good and charlie hunnam is fucking awesome and guy richie's this shit But I just knew nobody was going to see that movie because it's just fucking they can do anything else. They can do anything else. They wait for it to come out on iTunes or fucking Netflix or Hulu or something. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. It's so crazy all these streaming services though man netflix hulu amazon youtube red now fucking they're they're getting into original programming with that aren't just youtube stars um um what else i don't know it's like they're gonna have a fucking they're gonna have like hey i'm gonna have it get a call from an agent hey uh tinder's reaching out they want uh they want to do some original programming do you have any ideas for fucking tinder tv and i and i'll be like i'm not fucking doing a show with tinder and then it'll be like the hottest fucking thing in three years and they'll be rebranded and i would have missed the boat. That's what fucking Breaking Bad did to AMC.

That's what fucking Always Sunny did to FX. People didn't watch that shit. FX was the place you went to to watch like Turner and Hooch that it was just on at 3.30 p.m. And you're like, oh, I remember this movie. And you watch the end half of it with the commercials. But now it's like the shit amc same thing amc would have fucking they used to have corny ass movies and then breaking bad came along and madman and it was over over madman was so dope madman was so dope people started dressing different.

You know how dope a fuck it'd be like if Game of Thrones, if everyone was walking around in like fur collars and long capes carrying around fucking plastic swords and everyone had a beard and long hair because the Game of Thrones. I mean, everyone bought skinny ties and fucking did their hair like a, like an asshole wax Ken doll because of fucking Don Draper. Everybody thought they were Don Draper. I love that. People thought they were as bad as Don Draper and Don Draper's. What's his name? Uh, James or Ham, John Ham. Fucking so annoying.

I couldn't get his name. John Ham was, uh, is handsome as handsome as shit a 10 you know and then you'd have like goofball fucking 22 year olds being like i'm on don draper i'm on the don draper tip and they just like work at a fucking bar and you're like bro just put on a t-shirt and fucking you don't need to do your hair like that you're not don drape you don draper or you steve you don draper or you guy named steve that lives in fucking minnesota and works at a bar hey in an ad agency no you're not I'm drinking this fucking L'Ecois

that's how it is babies that's how it is my babies Manifragista Manifragista you know what I mean? Should we go to Gaming the System? Or what? I can't believe I got too hard to game the system.

It's still one of my funniest fucking... One time... Did I tell this story already? I have no idea if I told this story already on a fucking podcast or not. You never know. Since we were talking about crazy people and on the way to crazy like Steve Harvey, you never know since we were talking about crazy people and on the way to crazy like steve harvey um you never know you really never know who's crazy or not like the lady at the cafe who was

saying fucking costume stylist or uh uh whatever she could have been a fucking stylist i don't know i don't think she was but she could have been uh she wasn't because she was crazy but um uh uh what do you call it um fuck where where am i here what am i talking about crazy oh yeah uh i used to go to this coffee shop in the valley when i ran the fucking i ran cold water fucking coffee mean dude i fucking ran it i know i talked about this on the podcast if you're a loyal listener you know what i'm talking about i fucking ran that shit um there used to be a guy that would go there and every time he would come in i loved talking to him because he was batshit insane in my eyes this dude was the best crazy person he would talk to me and be like hey man what's going on he just look at everybody and smile and what's up you know 42 maybe 43 and um

i don't know what he did but he was always like so man you're an you're a comedian huh you're an actor and i was like yeah and you'd be like yeah yeah that's what they say that's what they're telling me so man what do you got some projects coming up be like i'm just doing you know on stage i mean this was like fucking 10 years ago so i wasn't like really hitting. I wasn't doing a lot of stuff back then. And this guy would be like, yeah, I got a hedge fund. I got a fucking movie I'm doing. We're developing some stuff. I'm starting a fucking company that serves food and cater. I mean, just all sorts of lies.

Just he could have been. And I would listen to him and my other buddies would be there and he'd be like, why do you fucking always call him over? It's so annoying. But I was just a fucking so fun to hear what this guy had to say and knew he was making it up in his mind. And and that fascinates me because he would just be like, yeah, you know, I got my buddy. I mentioned like shoes and he'd be like, yeah, my buddy, a fucking he is the co-creator of the Air Max or some shit. And I'd be like, this guy's lying.

he is the co creator of the air max or some shit. And I'd be like, this guy's lying. So he, but he would occasionally bring up this thing where he was like trying to do this thing with like animal rights or something and to help animals and spread awareness for some fucking thing. I don't know. It was 10 years ago.

I don't remember. It was like 10 years ago. I don't, I really don't remember, but he, I do remember he was like, yeah, we're doing this thing where we're trying to fucking,

this llama has traveled across country and we're bringing this llama to different places. And it's going to be in L.A. The llama is going to be in L.A. And I know Jamie Masada at the Laugh Factory. You must know him. And I was like, yeah, I perform there all the time. Jamie Masada is the owner of the Laugh Factory, one of my fucking great friends, great guy. And he was like, yeah, and Jamie had it set up to where K-Rock is going to come out, and they're going to do this radio shit, and we're going to have this llama there.

You should come by. And I'm like, this guy, I mean, now he's so crazy that he knows that I'm going to fucking, I'm going to, like, I could check this. Jamie is a buddy of mine, right? Like, I could perform at the Laugh-A-Rare. Now I can fact check this i jamie's a buddy of mine right like i could i i perform at the left right now i now i can fact check this shit but i don't because i'm like there's no reason to fact check it because this motherfucker isn't going to bring a llama to the laugh factory and k-rock doesn't know about it right but anyway uh one of the fucking funniest things that this guy did was i i don't really know what he was doing,

but he, he, he was one of those guys, you know, those guys that fucking order like four or five coffees and then put them in the tray and then leave the fucking coffee place. And you're like, who the fuck,

that was the guy that they voted. He had the short straw or was he a PA? He's got like frappuccinos and shit all piled on. So he's got like four coffees. He's got like two, he's actually got two trays of coffees. So eight coffees in four fucking, in four,

like there's two trays and the, and the four holes, you know what I'm talking about? And so he's got eight total coffees, seven or eight, you know, maybe one of the holes is, is open,

but he's got both of his hands full. And he says, Hey man, you and I, after talking, he says, you and I should, he has a whole

conversation with the two trays the eight coffees you and i should fucking hang out sometime man we'll get a fucking bite to eat or go grab a drink or something and i'm all for it so i said fuck yeah man and at and as he kicks the door open because he can't use his hand this is the most the shit moment i've ever seen in my life he kicks the door open to leave the fucking, to leave the joint. And he looks at me and it doesn't break eye contact with the coffees, with the nine fucking coffees in hand and says to me, as he kicks his way out of the door, as he kicks his way out of the coffee shop, strictly hetero and fucking leaves. Bro, I stopped laughing yesterday strictly he says strictly hetero like don't worry like it was like the no homo shit that people say like yo no homo like rappers but this guy fucking took the

white crazy version and was like this is mine now strictly hetero see ya hey let's hang out grab a bite to eat or something strictly heteroly hetero. And fucking walked out. And kicked out. He was the shit. Fuck them all. This dude was the shit. Metaphragista. And this dude sleeps like a baby sometimes.

That's fucking goddamn hilarious to me. He walked out of the coffee being like this motherfucker. I just said strictly hetero with nine coffees in my hand and kicked the door open like I'm in Sin City, the movie. I murdered that convo and he sleeps like a baby. That's the best. That's the fucking best shit oh oh oh and here's the whole point of me telling the fucking story i can't believe i forgot about this part i show i i'm not making this up i'm not making this up i show up to the laugh factory one night sure as shit there's a fucking llama outside dude there is a llama outside and

k-rock is in a van covering the event and this fucking strictly hetero dude is there with the llama with With Jamie Masada. And he says. What's up Chris? And I said. I literally looked at him and said. You're not crazy? I said.

I thought you were out of your fucking mind. You really brought a llama to the laugh factory? He was like, yeah, man. Didn't miss a beat. Wasn't offended that I thought he was crazy. Was just happy as shit. That guy, I want to be at that level, dude. That's the level I want to be at.

Right under the fucking, right above Steve Harvey. That's fucking three days away for Steve Harvey if he's not careful. Or if he is careful. That's where I want to be. That guy was just so happy, man. And I'm happy. But that motherfucker, strictly hetero, that was just amazing that that happened. That that whole fucking i'll never forget any of that shit it's but my point my point is it just goes to show you you never know if somebody's fucking crazy or not i mean unless you're saying you're like a fucking you went to school for it and

you're a doctor but i didn't know i didn't know i didn't know I didn't know um here's another fucking story while I'm fucking on it one time I was on a flight to okay so there's JFK a lot of you probably know this but there's JFK

and then there's Newark you can fly into either one it's close and it's basically you can fly in I was but there's JFK and then there's Newark. You can fly into either one. It's close. And it's basically you, you can fly in. I was going to Manhattan. JFK is in Manhattan and Newark is in New Jersey, but it's close to Manhattan. And there's also LaGuardia, but I don't know where the fuck that is, but that that's not in this story. It's close enough though. So I was flying into JFK. Now I'm in, I'm in the, uh, I'm in the first seat, okay, of the plane. And I'm saying this because it pertains to the story. I'm in the bulkhead. I'm not trying to brag like, hey, I got the first seat.

But it pertains to the story. It has to be in the story, okay? Next to me, there's a lady, all right? Maybe 40 years old, all right? Now, the plane is packed. There's not a seat left in the plane. And she boards the plane. She sits down.

And she's not not friendly. She's not friendly. We're not talking. We're just kind of, I like to keep to myself when I'm on a plane. And I think maybe she does too, okay? So about 20 minutes, like, so five hours go by.

You know, the fucking flight flight it takes like five hours plane's going it's fine everything's great everything's great and then and then over the speaker as the plane is you know we're wrapping up here we're about to we're about to land we're like oh any minute the fuck you know the uh stewardess is going to come on the the intercom and talk to us she does she says hey, just so you know, we're landing. We're just our descent into JFK. Put your trade tables up. And I don't hear the rest of what the stewardess says because I hear the lady next to me who's my seat partner in the thing.

It's just me and her, right? And she says, JFK. And she looks at me, and I didn't know what to say. And I was like, yeah. You know, I just said, yeah. And she said, we're not going to JFK. And I said, what do you mean? And she said, we're not going to JFK, are we?

And I said, yeah, because we're on the plane. And I just, I don't, I didn't understand. And I don't think she's crazy at this point, but I was like, maybe she just like fell asleep and she's disoriented or something. Right. So she's like, this can't be right. So she, so the, now the stewardess is, um, wrapping up. I can't really remember how it happened.

But this was like a year and a half ago. This was like way post 9-11. This is like when shit is like real tight on airlines. Okay? So she says to the, what do you call it, stewardess, what do you mean we're going to JFK? And the stewardess says, well, what do you mean? This flight is from LAX to JFK? And the stewardess says, well, what do you mean that this flight is from LAX to JFK? And she says, no, it's not.

We're going to Newark. The lady in the seat. So now I'm like, oh, okay. This lady's crazy. And that's fine, but she's crazy. And I'm just not going to talk in this situation because it's not going to get any better. You're not going to convince her. She's not crazy.

So the stewardess says, no. You know how they try to keep it like not – they don't want to be like, well, you're crazy. Like if I worked as a stewardess and somebody said, no, we're going to JFK. I'd be like, yeah, you're fucking crazy. We're going where we're going. You're out of your fucking mind, right? So she says, no, this flight's to JFK. And she says, no, it's not.

I'm going – we're going to newark and and now it's an hour they're very close to each other so it doesn't really matter right but the lady's like freaking out and i'm like you know how many times in my head i'm like you know how many fucking times they check the the ticket on the on the way to the airport they like they check it nine fucking times so obviously the lady's crazy we're going to jfk she thought she's going to newark for some fucking reason but like she heard 97 times you check the screen where my flight is it delayed no oh good going to fucking jfk get on you get on the plane they scan your ticket seven times and you go there every time you got to go through a new line you get a fucking starbucks in the thing they're like can i check

your ticket though okay you're going to jfk here's your macchiato that's what happens you can barely get out of your fucking house and and get a ride to the airport without your friend saying can i see your ticket so we get to the so so the stewardess says i gotta let to deal with i'll be right back uh and and so she she she sits down on her thing and and and the stewardess now we're laying in the stewardess and and the lady's huffing and puffing she's like do you fucking believe this and And I'm like, yeah, I believe it. I bought the ticket to JFK. I don't say that because I try to not say as much as I can because she's fucking, it's a crazy.

And so, so, um, the, uh, the, the, the stewardess is now facing us because she's in the,

we're in the bulkhead and she's facing us in her seat. You know how they sit backwards kind of because that's just how they're set up so the lady's talking to the girl girl face to face and she's like she's in the aisle seat i'm in the window seat and she's like she's like i don't know how airlines could let this happen i'm on the wrong flight and i'm like first of all you're crazy you're on the right flight second of all what do you mean it's not the airline's fault even though it kind of is the airline's fault it's fucking your fault you know you got on the wrong plane if you got on the wrong plane even though you didn't because there's no because obviously the seats are packed the seats are packed you're telling me there was one empty seat

she got on the wrong plane and just the coincidence that her seat was like one b or whatever or one a and she sat down on the only open seat i mean this flight was this flight was jam-packed okay so there's like no way she's right she's a crazy person so she said so the stewardess says well we when we land and this is why i said sitting in the front seat was important because they're having this conversation, right? Like this, right? So she says, when we land, you know, we'll talk, you know, and she's fucking so mad. And she gets up after we land and she says, can I see your ticket? And the lady says, yeah. And she pulls out her, she goes in her bag. And now I'm like, oh, fucking great.

This is awesome. Because now the lady, again, is we're going to have proof that this lady is a fucking lunatic and she can't make excuses for a fucking plane ticket. It says fucking obviously seat 1A, 1B at JFK. So she pulls out the fucking ticket and gives it to the stewardess. And the stewardess says, how'd you get on this plane? She literally wasn't crazy. She was on the wrong fucking plane. On the only open seat on the wrong plane.

And then she landed wrong and she had to fucking get a whole, you know, I don't know. But how the fuck did that? How does an airline fuck up like that? I don't remember what airline. It was united pieces of shit fuckheads but i love that she landed in a wrong city that was great you remember when the chicago airport had all those fires i was supposed to land in chicago i had to get to toronto i had to get to i had to get to toronto and as i was anyway my point is you never know if someone's fucking crazy or not you don't know you just I had to get to Toronto. I had to get to Toronto. I had to get to Toronto. And as I was... Anyway, my point is you never know if someone's fucking crazy or not.

You don't know. You just write people off and then you realize, oh, they're not crazy. But I left the airport. I was in upstate New York. I had to get to Toronto, but I had to fly to Chicago first. There was no direct flight. It was so annoying because it's like a five-hour drive. If I drove by, I didn't want to drive.

So I drove. I had to fly to Cleveland is what I had to fly to. Not Chicago. Sorry. So I was flying to Cleveland. I fell asleep. i wake up and it was like as our descent into cleveland yada yada and i was like what the fuck cleveland and i was in the fucking bulkhead again and i had the conversation with the stewardess who was sat down i was like did it say cleveland she said yeah i said i thought i was going to chicago and she's like oh yeah chicago is on fire

so we had to get to we had to get to, we had to get to, so we got to Cleveland. I had to fly fucking back to JFK and then fly to Toronto because there was a direct flight because I can go from upstate to JFK to then, a fucking 20 minute flight

and then a 40 minute flight. It was so annoying. Anyway, whatever. Dude, that's, there's too many flight stories. But anyway, you never know if someone's fucking insane or not.

And that's it. Here I am. Going to hit Toronto back. And I fucking pray to God, man, it wasn't raining. Dude, I couldn't do anything. It was lonely as shit. I'm going to have some downtime. I'm looking at Toronto weather right now.

some downtime i'm looking at toronto weather right now uh monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday no rain until sunday no rain until sunday and monday all right that'll do i'll be fine highs of 76 lows of 50 looks like won't be too fucking but 46 is the lowest that week um yeah so that's it i hit all the things i wanted to talk about let me know your thought oh you know what i'll do i fucking didn't game the system yet oh wait bow wow challenge that's what i wanted to talk about did you hear about bow this is the best another fucking flight story whatever bow wow put the fucking bow i'll put the fucking uh on on instagram you put up a picture with a private jet and a and a and a and a like g-wagon like flight flight day travel day or whatever and then somebody saw him after he posted that in coach flying and people were like it blew up on twitter like this motherfucker's fronting you know and uh i mean i mean how fucking embarrassing what like to

do your bow wow you know what i mean your bow wow you're already people like think you're silly just what what are you doing bow Bow Wow? Hey, your name's Bow Wow, too. You're an adult, right? This guy traveled day and he was in seat like 36F. What a stunting motherfucker. No, no, I mean not stunting. Sorry, stunting is actually doing it. Fucking Bondi ruins it all, man.

And then people were on, what do you call it, doing the Bow Wow Challenge on Twitter. And it was so funny. It's been so funny. People would be like, here's one. I'm just checking the the um hashtags this like they'll be like bow out challenge and then they'll have one picture that's like dope and then they pull out there's like a wide shot and it's like like mother's day in palm springs this guy writes and it looks like really close like there's some fucking cool like um trees in the back and then there's a wide shot of it and it's like he you can tell he's at a

marshalls you know um it's just so fucking funny that somebody like posing like that i gotta i didn't do one i wanted to do one but I didn't do one. I wanted to do one, but I didn't do one. Fucking bow wow. Let me see how we game the system, dude. Let's see how we game the fucking system. Let's check some of these. I'm going to do like two or three of these because I'm tired here.

Latest. All right. Oh, the fucking first one. What do you think about Bow Wow trying to be on a private jet lying about that? Kay Reid. Oh, just did that. This is Lance Seabrook oh my god at your urethra addict 69 ladies and gentlemen we have the number one change it of all time hey change it dude urethra addict 69 and his fucking picture is of him on a horse

oh boy imagine like this guy has parents right hey dad mom you should get on twitter oh cool i'll follow you what's your thing urethra addict 69 really you're disowned that's how that conversation goes um hey hey crystalia have you cried over any more movies recently he's saying that because in my last special i talk about how i cried when i watched the movie kazam uh i had a bit about that uh uh kazam uh the shakilinia movie and the answer is yeah i do cry at movies uh sometimes i cry you know what i cry at a lot are musicals i love musicals and everyone thinks it's very weird when they find that out about me because they're like you fucking don't

you always make fun of everything I'm like I fucking love musicals I don't give a shit man those motherfuckers can sing and dance and they can do all that shit and make you feel stuff and make me prove that I'm not a robot got a heart it's great and whenever musicals start every musical I've ever seen when when I start, opening number, bawling. I don't give a fuck what it's about. It could be literally something silly like, we get pussy, we get pussy, we get pussy. And I'll be like, because it's so much emotion, you know?

So that is what I cry about a lot. And I do cry at movies a little bit. I can't remember the movies that I've seen recently, but, um, um, what does Chris D'Elia think of comic-con cosplaying Erica Brosnan at E Brosnan one. Good, good job.

Good job. Good job. What does Chris think of comic-con cosplay? I mean, it's fine, dude. But like, if you're going to dress up like a fucking fairy or like some girl with big shoulders and a sword, yo, be getting paid hourly. All right? You doing it for fun?

You seven. What? What's this? Oh, this guy said... Some of these questions are fucking stupid. Oh, I should say something. Oh, my. There something. Oh, oh my. There's a picture here of Lil Uzi Vert.

Lil Uzi needs help. Where are his friends? This guy tweeted. Lickly Dread at Young Hosama. Jesus Christ. Look what he's wearing. Hip-hop got weird, man. Or I should say it's weird how different hip-hop got.

That's what I should say. By the way, I've listened to some Lil Yachty because I made fun of them a lot. There's a new Lil Yachty song that I I fucking love and I can't uh I can't front I fucking love it it's called uh what is it bring it back and it's weird as shit and this is why I like it because it's not really hip-hop what little rap little yadi rapping to me is just like basic but this song i hope that this is the direction that he goes it's more of like a chromio kind of a uh cool vibe kind of like uh it makes me honestly feel like i'm in a car and i'm 16 and i'm driving to pick up a date and go to fucking prom and then i looked at the video and the video is him at prom, which is amazing.

I was like, oh, that guy really, not only did he make me feel that in the song, but the videos about that, that's so odd. It's called Bring It Back, I think. I'm trying to look at my iTunes. I bought the fucking thing. It's awesome. I don't know if the rest of his songs are like that or not. Probably not.

Maybe. I don't know. Maybe. But it's cool. But that's what I was talking about, like evolving as an artist. Like this guy made those basic songs, the basic songs, uh, the one with him and the video with him and a baby and the, and his face on it. I don't remember what that song was, but that song wasn't for me. I get it was catchy, but this song bring it back. Yeah.

It's fucking cool. I don't know. It's different. It's cool. He's doing something different. Never thought I'd say it, dude. Lil Yachty fucking came out with a banger. I think I fucking love this song. Everyone hates it. Let that I say that I show it to, but I think that honestly, they're just saying that because they're thinking of Lil Yachty's hair, dude, it's good. And you're a fucking, it's good. It's different. And that's, and that's good. And it, but it's also good. All right. Anyway, that's all i'm saying i wanted to fucking say that because uh i wanted you to know that i don't know why i wanted you to know that but i wanted you to know that i wanted you to know that uh remember uh to check out blue apron guys check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by the way by going to blueapron.com slash congrats.

All right? I have upcoming show dates coming up. I'm going to Austin. I'm going to West Palm Beach. I'm going to Austin. I'm going to West Palm Beach. I'm going to, I don't know, Atlantic City. I'm rescheduling Australia, guys.

I should be doing that by the end of the year. But check it out. My date's at chrisstalia.com slash tour. Man on Fire, June 27th, Netflix. You guys got to check that out. Put it in your queue. I don't know if it's available in your queue yet, but do that. Download it even.

I think you can do that on Netflix now. And by the way, we have congratulations shirt. We have a congratulations shirt now up on the store. So a lot of you guys have been asking for this. Can we get a podcast shirt? Tweet me about, hey, I want to wear a podcast shirt to rep it. You guys are the fucking shit. Honestly, you babies are my shit.

And you can support this podcast by going to store.christalia.com. And it's got, you know, it's got a lot of cool stuff it's got some some of the stuff is merchy but some of the stuff is not it's it's got it's like high quality it's made in los angeles it's like good fucking it's good fabric it's really cool i wear it and i like it um it really is good and then tweet me at congratulations pod hashtag congratulations pod and please don't forget to rate and review the show because i'm telling you man if our numbers don't keep going up, I'm done with this. Done with this, okay?

So help me out and do that if you would. Go rate and review and then check out my store, and then also you can check out the tour dates and all that. You guys are the best. My babies, thanks for listening. This has been Congratulations, the podcast, episode something, no clue.

Have a good one. Boop! Congratulations! Congratulations. The podcast episode something. No clue. Have a good one. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Oh, fucker. Congratulations, motherfucker. Fuck you.

You're a big motherfucker. Motherfucker, right in the motherfucking mouth, motherfucker.