Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 160. Mean Girl

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Today Chris talks about Buffalo Wild Wings vs. Houston, a Jason Statham story, Chris Brown's face tattoo, Bad Bunny, and that farting is sexy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply what's up my babies This is episode 160 of Congratulations. What up, what up? Hi, how's it going? Hi. Dude, nobody starts a podcast like that. Hi. I do. Because you got to switch things up, you know. You got to make sure you're keeping it real.

You got to make sure you're keeping it moving. And so far, I know the podcast has only been going for 30 seconds, but I've legitimately said absolutely nothing worth anything. So it's all good. But here comes something important. West Palm Beach, Florida. There's very few tickets left for my march 24 my march 20th and march 21st show uh i don't know if i'm gonna add more my agent just hit me up and said hey you want to do two more shows and that's you know you want to do what he actually said was do you want to do two more shows

and naturally that's but i'm not sure you know what i mean but i'm not sure because i may just chill i may not want to do it so there's like a few tickets left it'll sell out so go get it now um one time a sponsor got mad that i did this afterwards they thought it was so disrespectful and they were like what we're not fucking re-upping with you guys and i was like dude you don't get the fucking podcast at all so rude and so i dude because that's yeah we don't want you we don't fucking want you dude you don't get the humor we don't want you we don't watch you don't get the humor we don't watch dude don't watch when somebody isn't in the group dude and they don't

understand what's going on and you see them and you're fucking popping off and you're having a good time and you're laughing and they're just like this we don't watch you understand get out get out you know what the whole thing you can sit with us how they flipped it on you i flip it back to you can't sit with us dude i'm a mean girl i'm a fucking straight up mean girl you understand that's me that's me baby crystalia the mean girl uh and so well that's going to be how it's going to be west palm beach we're going to come in uh and it. Robinson, Mississippi, some Reese. Rohnert Park, California, some Reese. And Las Vegas, Nevada. You know why.

And you know why, dude. And when I'm in Las Vegas, not really. I go to bed pretty much the same time that I would when I was in L.A. Not really. I go to bed pretty much the same time that I would when I was in L.A. I thought when people go to Las Vegas, then they just hang out until like 7 or 8 or 9 or 10, dude. It's one thing to stay up until 6. You know?

You want to see the sunrise. You want to see some shit. You want to see some shit that you wouldn't normally see. Maybe you don't usually get up early. You don't get to see it. You're like, I'll stay up late and I'll see it. 7. Oh, oh boy. Eight, but dude, one time I stayed up till 10. I mean, you don't understand what's happening.

It's like one of those movies where a guy, where they fucking wash everything out and the guy's just like hearing like a high-pitched sound. You know what I mean? It's like when fucking, it's like when the guy from Saving Private Ryan is looking for his arm. Speaking of which, I saw this movie Good Time with Robert Pattinson and one of those – and Benny Softy. Softy? Benny Softy?

They did the – they directed – the Softy brothers it, and they also directed Uncut Gems, which you probably know about. I don't know if you know about the movie Good Time. But it's a good movie, man. And goddamn, man. These guys are good in it, man. The acting is so good in this movie, it rivals fucking Colin Firth in King's Speech.

Dude, it starts with this dude, Benny Softie's playing him, and I thought he was mentally disabled for real, but King's Speech. Dude, it starts with this dude, Benny Softee's playing him, and I thought he was mentally disabled for real, but he's not. He's acting mentally disabled. And I'm like, that's a real, that's a guy using acting to do that? And how come people aren't, you know,

the reason why people aren't canceling him is because he's so good. He's just like, they ask him questions and he's just like, no. They're like, hey, so did this happen? And he's like, no. And you're like, oh, that sucks. I feel bad for that guy. And he's just like, why are you writing that down?

I don't want that down. I don't want that written down. And you're like, ah, poor kid. And then you realize I YouTubed the video of him and he's just like talking like like a regular dude he's just like well when we first asked adam seller to do the movie i'm like what happened to fucking no what are you writing up down oh we got another christian bale on our hands guy directed it too ended the and edited it. How's he doing it? Also, the last name, Softy fucking Rocks.

That last name is awesome. And, dude, Robert Pattinson is such a good actor. Dude, that guy is fucking so good. Every time I see him in a movie i'm like and i hate when people say this but do you forget that it's the guy you're like ah yeah when people are like i forgot it was the guy you're like all right dude you're a school teacher and you're just saying shit but this guy robert pattinson is so good he's british dude what's he doing playing a guy from queens can't tell he goes like this to his london accent he goes like this don't watch

and then he's like hey what are you doing i use guys and i'm just like damn dude he's so good i'm a fucking movie reviewer dude the fucking softy you knowie Brothers, the last names. Uncut Gems. I got to see Uncut Gems. I haven't seen it yet. But Good Time is good. My buddy said, you got to see Good Time.

And I was like, okay. And he was like, it's like one of the best movies of the year. And he kept talking about it so much, and I got really upset. How many times are you going to bring something up, you know? Like, I had a buddy once. He's a comedian. His name is Dean Del Rey. And one time, dude, I swear to God,

he brought up the new MacBook Pro that was coming out so much and the fantastic Mr. Fox. In one week, he wouldn't stop talking about the new MacBook Pro that was coming out and fantastic Mr. Fox that was coming out. And I was like, bro, I don't give a shit, man. One night at the diner, I just said, hey, man, I want you to do me a favor. And I want you to listen to me, man. I want you to stop talking about the fucking Fantastic Mr. Fox, bro.

And he started laughing so hard because he knows that he brought it up for too long and too many times. And he knows. He knows that he was bringing up the MacBook Pro for too many times. Dude, get a MacBook Pro or don't get a MacBook Pro. But stop talking about how thin it is. It was unbelievable. He was just like, oh, yeah. Oh, you got it.

Have you ever seen Fantastic Mr. Fox? I saw it twice. Oh. Oh, you got to get the MacBook Pro. You see it? Oh. My buddy buddy dean is hilarious he's a comedian you should follow him but dude he's so funny he'll be he says the most basic shit sometimes dude he'll be eating food and he'll be like oh the flavor you're just like you mean what propels food me mean the only reason you eat like he'll listen to the thing about that album is

the sound it's just killer and you're like alright bro you mean the sound of music it's unbelievable the color in a painting that he'll do that and i'll just throw my hands up i'll be like all right bro you know so uh get specific dean but i like it though i like

him because of that one time we were in an argument about he was in an argument with another guy about a band the guy rocks he he does he does music well he used to do music but i was a comedian but dude he and he's got a podcast called let there be talk or let there be rock or some shit let there be talk because it's a podcast and um and he was talking about this guy about he was like nah this guy on the band he was like this one guy was like he was like nah he he's not like that and he was like oh yeah it is it's that guy and he was like no it's not like that. And Dean was like, oh, yeah, it is. It's that guy. And he was like, no, it's not that guy. And he was like, oh, yeah, it is. And the guy said, how do you know? And Dean lifted up his shirt and had the guy's face tattooed on his fucking shank. And I had to, I went

home. I immediately fucking went, see you guys. Boop boop. Well, fuck this. I got in bed immediately with all my clothes on. Because, bro, you can't be like that. I got to get tattoos. I got to get all sorts of tattoos. That's why if anybody gets in an argument with me, I just show them the tattoos and they shut the fuck up about it.

They'll be like, that's not right. Oh, yeah? You're arguing with me about the moon? Are you kidding me? Look at this. And then I fucking show you my left shoulder and I got the moon on it why do you think i got that because i know so much about the moon and they go all right you're right you're right you're right you're right um so uh yeah so anyway that movie is good good time and i always want to i want to keep

saying oh there it is check out dean delray's sweet bon scott tattoo it's bon scott well i don't know what it is look at his face in that picture you know i gotta get all tatted up bro i gotta get all tatted up my tattoo artist is always so busy though and going around the world and shit i want to get new ones i gotta get new ones i want to get fucking tatted up the other day, I looked at myself. I tried on this shirt or something. I don't even remember. Maybe I wasn't even, but I was walking through a mirror, and I was in a clothing store.

I know that. I don't want to lie to you guys. You know what I mean? Maybe I was trying something on. Maybe I wasn't. Let's leave that open, dude. You know I don't lie here. so i put my uh i i had this i was clothed and i was like wow it would be fucking pretty ripping if something was peeking out of my neckline like if i just had some fucking like some wings or

something i know i'm not i mean i'm look i know i'm gonna be 40 but i'm the young i'm also the youngest man alive and bro that shit would look banging dude i need to get i want to get a crown tattooed under my hairline oh dude do you know how much pussy you get for real if you have a crown under your hairline not that i want you know i'm not you know that's not me that's not my style but wow dude you just got to be so comfortable and also secretly uncomfortable to get a tattoo. Bro, how about Chris Brown got a fucking shoe on his cheek? Eh? Hey, Chris Brown got a tattoo of a fucking shoe on his cheek.

Another guy invented that shoe and then Chris Brown got it on his face. Such a beta fucking cuck move, dude. Ew, you know? Ew. It's a jordan 3 chris brown got a jordan 3 dangling from his ear looks like a tendril s jewish chris brownowitz dude chris brownstein uh yeah but anyway like that's insane dude to get the fucking someone else made a shoe and he put it on the side of his face. That guy's mixed up, huh? I don't even think it's mixed up to get a face tattoo anymore.

I think you're kind of, you know, if that's you, fine. But Chris Brown, what is he, 40? Like, you've been around, bro. Now you're getting a face tattoo. I guess he covered the rest of them up self up maybe it's maybe it's not so bad ew dude bro he's so handsome i feel like an old grandma what are you doing you're so handsome what'd you do with your face let me look at it let me look at it you know like what is he doing dude chew dune it's for conch but chew dune dude um um

yeah dude uh i don't to get something like just get like a fucking that's why i got animals i got a plane it doesn't have a fucking delta symbol on it you know when you have fucking uh when you have a thing on your on your thing it's weird enough though guys tat i that's why i got it from dr woo because i wanted to i like his art and i was like that's it that you know i like his art i whatever whatever i'm the same way i'm a fucking i might as well got a tattoo of his shoe on my forehead. But my point is, I need more tattoos. The dude who does it was always in Japan or some shit. I got to get a new guy.

So who wants to tattoo me, man? But I only get, like, cool shit. Sexy as shit shit. I need something peeking out my neckline, dude. Bro, is that Chris peeking out his neckline to Leah? Yep. I got this here on the back wall. It's a Photoshopped art of The Last Supper with me as Jesus is sacrilegious.

Feel like I'm going to hell just because I hung it up. And it's got all the podcast crew on it. You got Theo. You got Craig. You got all the the cat you know the podcast crew on it you got theo you got craig you got all the guys i talk about you got bobby lee brian callen you got andrew santino mark hayes zach noncovio brendan shob whitney my lenochi my brother salmon butters and wade the dog, and who did it, Ray, I got it right here, Ray, Rob Hay Design, so thanks for that, yeah, these face tattoos, like what's Post Malone got, always tired, that's pretty, pretty, pretty gung-ho about always being tired, like, you know, it's pretty gung-ho about always being tired like you never ask i gotta do some something hey dude you want oh wait was it oh never mind dude yo do you want to go play some fucking kickball oh shit sorry man i didn't see the tattoos under

your eyes um you know what i don't get is this you know what i don't get dude this was this reclining seat argument this reclining seat argument where the video went viral i tweeted it when the dude was the lady reclined her seat and the bitch-ass hoe dude behind her was like punching the back of her seat because he thought it was disrespectful that she reclined the seat and the dude was just trying to watch videos on his phone hey dude you're a bitch man if the seat reclines let it recline johnny cochran if the seat reclines let it recline but dude let it recline man the seat reclines and the guy recline. But dude, let it recline, man. The seat reclines.

And the guy's like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I can't believe there's people out there that actually are like, no, it's disrespectful to recline your seat. Bro, I paid for it. Also, the seat reclines. I'm not rejiggering the seat to make it recline. It reclines. Therefore, if my seat goes to your fucking taint, swear gone take it up with fucking delta man this shit isn't my problem how about this check in and get a

fucking better seat so your seat reclines to the guys all in the back wall bro just because you're incompetent doesn't mean she shouldn't fucking be comfortable. Fuck that. I cannot believe this bitch ass dude is trying to watch. What is he trying to watch? Some fucking movie on his privileged ass iPhone. And he's just bumping her head like that in the front. The lady's like 50 fucking years old. This guy's younger than me. If you can believe that.

And this guy, what a bitch, dude. Of course, he's got just a beard too and a bald head. Those guys are the most of bitch. You know? Or the most of bitch guy is a guy who's got hair this long and a completely shaved face.

And it's gelled. And there's one little piece coming forward, you know? Oh, fuck. He rolls his... You know what he does he rolls his fucking um uh sleeves up like this he does it like this like against his fucking the the side that's so bitch dude that he's doing that and it makes me angry and i want to i want to live with that girl and take care of her even though she's older than me because that's so

insane and insensitive to do that that guy's a bitch ass hoe like let her recline she paid for it wow dude and I can't stop thinking about when Peter Pablo says yeah and I say Hanukkah

because I love it I love it and they paid me for it in a song cool how i keep thinking about that but um yeah dude that's so insane and so also when i you don't understand man when i'm and this happens rarely because i fucking check and also you know, now fucking bags, bags. Of course, I fucking fly first class. But, you know, when I was in the back back and somebody goes and reclines into my fucking chest region. Guess what? There we go. I'm dealing with something.

That's all that's happening. I'm relaxing as best I can with someone's face in my chest. I'll give them a massage, dude, because I fucked up and I know it. And great, I'll make the best of a bad situation. I fucked up. I'll give them a scalp massage. I'll put my feet over their, you know, torso and give them a scalp massage. Like I'm some monkey on their back helping out.

Because, dude, you fucked up you got the last seat you don't have to get the last seat everything about flying is uncomfortable everything so just suck it up you think we want to be here 30,000 feet

in the air yeah I don't get it I don't get i i i don't like when people are disrespectful i don't get how people think that the reclining the seat thing is disrespectful and you know what i don't want to hear any of it anymore i don't want to hear anybody being like well it's considerate to no dude it is not it is considerate it's actually considered to not fly how about that drive when someone reclines when i when i recline all the way back and it goes into somebody's lap if i i hope it goes back far enough to where i could open my eyes and see them upside down

and then i want to say you're welcome i'm being respectful because this is what I want to do and we're all in this together. One time I was on the plane. One time I was on the plane and this guy, I was trying to turn my TV on and I was hitting the button on the TV in front of it, the headrest in front of it, and the guy turns around and he says,

this is my seat, that's yours. And I was like, like bro it's crazy how people just go zero to 60 when they're in public like already pissed off about their situation nah you don't need to be like that i go like that nah you don't need to be like that why are you like that, nah, you don't need to be like that, why are you telling me that, sir, people were saying that Europeans don't recline seats, which is fucking stupid, dude, I've seen British dudes just like,

all the way back, all right, people are saying British, oh, yeah, Europeans, they don't recline seats, so why, because they respect, bro, no way, yeah, elite British people respect,

but bro, have you seen, paper that dot like this? I will sit on my seat all the way back into your fucking penis. That's what I'll do. And I'll start sucking it. I'm not even gay. Fuck it. I don't care. I've got to keep my mouth busy on this flight. Go quicker. Yeah, right.

I don't care. I'll recline all the way back behind me. I don't know if there's a guy or a girl behind me. Hopefully there's a girl. Because then I'll be knee deep in some fucking behind me. I don't know if there's a guy or a girl behind me. Hopefully there's a girl. Because then I'll be knee-deep in some fucking wet talk. If there's a penis, I'll just use it as a pillow. Hopefully it ain't hard. Jiggle them around a little bit.

Balls. Oh, I don't know if I like to put my head... You either use one of your balls or your nub. It's one of me fucking seat... It's one of me fucking seat. It's one of me fucking pillows. You got a chode, do you? I hope you got a chode.

Because here we go. Whee! Those British guys don't respect. Bullshit, man. Bullshit. You've seen Europeans bro speaking of which I was at I was at Equinox speaking of which I was at the gym

and and I and I fucking was working out, and then I work out to keep the fucking tacks up on my back because I need the fucking camera crews to keep rolling in because there's movies that need to be filmed in the fucking outback. I got a movie about a rainforest coming in to shoot in fucking June,

so I got to keep that shit beefy. I got to keep picking stuff up and putting it down because I got to keep the back beef. You understand? The other night I couldn't fall asleep. I kept hearing... And I was like, what the fuck is going on? I was like, where is that?

And I was fucking pulling my hair out dude I walked into the fucking bathroom I got two mirrors face to face and I looked in one mirror through to the other mirror and I was like oh fuck I forgot I have a rainforest on my back wildlife anyway

yeah so I was outside of the gym eating and fucking jason statham walks out and he's looking at me bro like jason statham looks you know like he's looking at me like you know he's looking at me like i'm in a fucking car and he can't see who it is and i'm like what's going on here and he's walking and look at me not breaking my eyes it is. And I'm like, what's going on here? And he's walking and look at me, not breaking my eyes, my eye contact. And I'm like, nothing's behind me. I know because I already studied because I know my surroundings. But when I sit down, I know what's behind me. And what's behind me now is a wall. And it's about five feet from me. So I know he's not

looking at someone behind me. And I know he's not looking at the wall because guess what? I also figured out before I sat down, the wall is nondescript. I'm a detective. All right. You know what I am? A Jason Statham character. So he's walking and he's looking at me and his fucking brows are trying to meet. You understand? They're like at a coffee shop.

They're trying to get together. It's their first date and they're into each other. All right? It's like if the Brow's parents saw them, they'd be like, why don't you guys separate a little bit? You're a little bit too comfortable together. But they were trying to meet, which means they were together, which means he was mad dogging me in a bit. But I knew he wasn't mad dogging me because who the fuck am I? And he's got his earphones in and he takes his earphones out

and he looks at me and he stops and he says Chris and I was like okay what's happening and I say yeah and he says he starts walking up to me.

And I'm like, huh? And he says, I thought that was you. But you know me old age and all. Sometimes I can't tell. And I'm like, I'm knee deep in a conversation with Jason Statham. So I stand up and he says, how you doing, mate? And I say, I'm just eating after the gym i'm just he says i thought i saw you in that gym every now and then and i was like yeah i'm just trying to get like you huh and i pat his back and i'm like just fucking pat it i pat like what am i doing

you know and he says well you're trying to get like how I used to be. Not like that anymore. I got my dad bought. And I was like, ah, yeah, well, no, you know. And he says, yeah, anyway, he starts walking away. And then he comes back. Like he takes four or five steps and then comes back. And he's like, you know, you'd be seeing here from time to time or whatever. And I'm like, yeah. I was like, we're talking and

shit and i was like do you live you live you're here or what he's like yeah you know back and forth from london and i was like yeah yeah yeah and he's like uh well i don't remember i don't remember what happened at that point it was some kind of lull but then he says then i said so you you're you said dad but i was like you are a dad you're a dad or what you got kids he says oh yeah it's a thing about kids i was like yeah i'm having dad, you're a dad, or what, you got kids, he says, oh yeah, it's the thing about kids, I was like, yeah, I'm having my first, like, any day now, and he says, oh, you're having a kid any day now, I was like, yeah, and he was like, oh, that's really, that's really, that's really special, mate, he was like, well, be careful, because you keep eating, you know, you eat whatever's, whatever's in front of you, the kid will eat it, and then you'll eat it too,

before you know it, you'll be blowing up out of here,'ll be like me and i was like ah yeah i was like yeah you won't see me working out anymore over here i'll be busy with the kid and he was like yeah i'll be like hey what happened to chris he used to come here well he doesn't come anymore what the heck anyway i think it's really special you're about to be a dad that's really awesome good luck to you. And he fucking walks away. And I'm like, fucking. It's happening. Eh, sir. Hollywood. You know.

I'm such a Jason Statham fan. And it was so dope, dude dude because he's so cool and I met him once before you know I pitched him a movie idea I mean this was years ago and I just I guess he remembers me from that or maybe I don't know

I don't know maybe he fucking hey dude maybe he enjoys my comedy you ever fucking think of that but uh and uh anyway I don't know, maybe he fucking, hey, dude, maybe he enjoys my comedy. You ever fucking think of that? But, and anyway, that was awesome. And you realize, man, in Hollywood, when you do this shit, you're like, man, I'm in it. I'm in it. Everybody in Hollywood thinks they're not Hollywood. You understand? Like, everybody in Hollywood is like, yeah, but I'm not a Hollywood guy.

Yeah, but that's not me. I'm not in Hollywood. You understand? Like everybody in Hollywood is like, yeah, but I'm not a Hollywood guy. Yeah, but that's not me. I'm not in Hollywood, bro. I was outside of the gym eating barbacoa, talking to fucking Shaw. Nothing more Hollywood than that, man. Hey, dude, you ever eat barbacoa outside of Equinox while talking to shaw yeah hollywood you know dude i had my macro bowl dude you know like what's going on man i'm so hollywood me i'm mr fucking hollywood dude guess where i started stand-up hollywood that's where i started dude people like to be like i started stand-up in chicago i started stand-up in outside of boston i started stand-up in new york and i did 45 spots a night fuck that dude i drove around hollywood and started i did in WeHo. I did some in NoHo. I did some in SoHo and fucking Eho. And those don't even exist, dude.

Chris? It's on, motherfuckers. It's so on, man. I'm basically fucking Hobbes right outside of Equinox I'm Hobbes bro alright dude let's do some ads whether it's the weekend the beginning of summer

or the end of the school year celebration cookies celebrate good times yeah man The beginning of summer or the end of the school year. Celebration Cookies. Celebrate good times. Yeah, man. So, that's what's up. I'm having this baby any day now. And pretty soon there's going to be someone even younger than me.

If you can believe that, the youngest man alive becomes the fucking second youngest man alive. Can't wait for that. People are like, yeah, your life's going to change. And I'm like, dude, no, it's not. I'm selfish. I'm going to do what I want. I'm still going to go out and do spots late at night and get coffee whenever I want. I won't fucking say I won't do whatever I want to, I'll do whatever I want Fuck yeah

If I want to go hang out with my buds I'm going to go hang out with my buds No gruff Yeah but you need to fucking Yeah right dude I'm selfish Yeah but don't you think You need to spend time with the Yeah right

Dude I want with the yeah right dude i want you're in for rudawick fuck that no i'm not hi bye why is that on it you know um yeah dude one time when i was a kid in the crib my mom walked into my dad holding a toy just out of reach and i was trying to reach for it and grab it out of the fucking crib and my dad wouldn't let me grab it and my mom said bill what the fuck are you doing and my dad said't let me grab it. And my mom said, Bill, what the fuck are you doing? And my dad said, teaching him about life. Farted when a laugh couldn't held it in. Dude, it's so sexy to fart swear to god swear to god

one time when I was in high school I fucking farted couldn't help it somebody no dude I messed up this story and it's fine because it makes it better it's gonna be like the fucking movie where you think one thing's happening, and then you realize at the end of the movie that this is really what was happening.

Wow. His name was Doug, dude. You know when you do something like fart or trip or something embarrassing, and people see and they notice, and you get so hot inside. You're like, hold on a second. Does anybody want to cook some bacon on my chest? Because now's the time. Right?

You almost feel tingly. You start losing your vision because you big puss. That happens to me. Well, one time a kid named Doug farted and he thought it was going to be – I saw the way he was sitting. He was trying to spread his cheeks, you know, and make it go – but instead of that, I guess his butt was tight because it went – and it was in Mr. Thatcher's class, and I turned around, and I saw him, and he was doing this, and I saw him feel hot inside and it was so subtle but it fucking ripped because it made me feel human i knew that he was feeling hot inside just by his face and i was like that's how that looks we be mean oh we be mean and so uh let's cut that on the thing, by the way, on the video. So this way we know.

People know what the fuck I'm talking about. The weebae meme from The Wire, you know? What? We do? Fuck yeah, dude. I've been get rid of. I've been stay in the room. One fire would never do that, dude.

one fire would never do that dude uh and so uh so uh yeah what was i talking about oh yeah so doug fucking farted but what he should have done honestly was said yup ladies i'm ladies i'm free. That's what you should do. When you fart, you should immediately go, ladies, I'm free tonight. And not as a joke and not in irony. Mean it. Fuck yeah, dude. Nothing sexier than being you. Nothing sexier than being you, dude. If you're boring, be boring.

That's so goddamn sexy. Own it, dude. Don't think you're good with chicks if you, dude. If you're boring, be boring. That's so goddamn sexy. Own it, dude. Don't think you're good with chicks if you're not. If you're not, then don't be good with chicks and own it and all of a sudden you're sexy. Swear to God. You gotta be you, dude. There's so many people out there doing dumb shit

like getting fucking really wide pants or like getting like, you know circular glasses like these chicks with the circular glasses or that everyone thinks they're bad rabbit or whatever fuck that guy's name bad bunny everyone thinks they're bad bunny taking pictures like this keep your tongue in your fucking mouth you're the same dude like i i i really mean i'm a mean girl dude and this is coming from a guy who fucking does that shit too so you know it's real you know it's real. Fart and say, ladies, drinks on me.

Fart and then say, I guess I'm fucking a knight. What the fuck? Bad Bunny put a third eye? Is that a real thing? That's not Photoshop? It's Photoshop? He went out like that with a third eye above his eye oh i mean it doesn't even look good you know hey dude you're fucking so rich get a guy to do it better get the guy from the islands to do it that movie with ewan mcgregor and

scarlett joe hudson oh it just looks like fucking chocolate it looks like a cake um dude Bad Bunny always makes the faces in between the photos Bad Bunny is always making a face of a face on the way to making a face he this is a photo of Bad Bunny he'll be like this or like hey man you're on your way keep going and then take the photo i posted a picture of j-lo on twitter and i was like goddamn she's fucking 52 and she looks like that and so many people were like photoshopped and it's like bro everything's photoshopped man man. She still looks banging. That's J-Lo. But dude, stop getting those fucking weird glasses, man. You're not Bad Bunny.

If you're Bad Bunny, cool. Bad Bunny's the new prince. Do whatever you want. But don't be that guy. Don't be. Should I get a new fucking watch? Anyway, dude, I guess shit gets spent

when you get a kid. But, uh, that's it, man. That's not it, though. We got, like, a bunch of fucking times left. One time I was driving through fucking New Jersey, and we were going on a trip, and my dad stopped at a toll and i was like dad how much longer is it left and and he didn't know and i said come on dad and i was like ask the guy and i was to be such a cranky little bitch and i was like dad ask the guy ask the guy in the toll booth i wanted to

ask i said dad ask the guy how many times i said dad ask the guy how many times is it? And I meant to say, how long is it going to be? And my dad said, oh, Chris, shut the fuck up. And he looked at the guy and he says, how many times is it? And then drove away. Dude, that was so awesome. I never forgot it and I never will. My dad looked at the guy and said, how many times is it? And drove away. The guy was probably like, the fuck who's that guy that looks like george harrison that just asked me how many times is it if your dad didn't look like george harrison in the fucking 80s you're a robot you were made not born or mike ditka you know if your dad was white in the 80s and didn't look like george hammer harrison or mike ditka check your circuits

you're not human dude every white guy in fucking 1984 looked like mike ditka or george harrison period if you're lucky they looked like the guy that was on step by step the dad the guy that was on step by step the dad whoever cody's dad was but anyway um bad bunny wow dude he's got a dream catcher on his chin k um anyway dude this oh ads do ads and then we'll talk about this other thing i want to talk about text me 818-239-7087. I do all that. I text you back. Try to. If you're listening to this on the plane, I want you to recline your seat right now and get it in that guy's lap behind you.

That's what I want you to do. And then when he says, hey, don't do that, you say, why? I'm a respectful baby. That's what you do. And then you point to him and say, you, stop being a piece of shit. And if you do that, let me know about it.

Talking about Heineken because I like it and they pay me for it. Petey Pablo. Dude, this Buffalo Wild Wings thing is just insane, dude. The Buffalo Wild Wings thing is just insane, dude. The Buffalo Wild Wings thing, pull it up, is when they – the Astros got caught cheating in like what, 19 – or no, 2000 some year.

They won the World Series. And I guess that they just came out that they were cheating or something, right? Something like that? No, you don't know? basically very basically if i'm wrong who gives you shit basically it so so the the coach or the or whatever the fuck was like apologizing kind of and be like cheers never win so we didn't win so don't worry about it whatever he did was the ass dick about it you know and so also you better believe if i was playing baseball i would be cheating so hard like there's no way i wouldn't be cheating i would be betting against us and then not playing as well i would be like saying no that's not what happened i will be doing that kind of shit all day long that's not what happened i'd be throwing people under the bus that's not what he fucking dude that's why i'm the catcher because he fucking

did that i should be right field and they'd be like oh whoa you know this is what the leah says and some other guy would be like no and then i hope i would get the leg up in a cheating fashion fashion. Understand? Because it's just baseball. And I'd be raking in mills. But so Rob Harris tweets breaking Manchester City ban from Champions League for two seasons by

EFFA and fined 30 million euros. U-E-F-A. F-A. And so Buffalo Wild Wings writes, that's how you punish a team that cheats. And I guess people thought, and I wouldn't even have known, but I guess Buffalo Wild Wings, change it, was saying that, was insinuating about how the Astros should be punished. So Houston took to Twitter and started roasting them. First of all, Houston, I love you. I legitimately you're one of the cities I like going to and performing in the most.

I love Texas, dude. And you know I wouldn't say this right now if I wasn't serious. I love Dallas. I love Austin. I love Houston. And I fucking love Texas because Houston, sure, it's hot, but it's also banging. Everyone there is either a hot chick or a tall corn husking dude. Love it. Dallas, love how the girls go out with the hair that looks like Battlefield Earth just sprayed up like it's 1987. Love the dudes in Dallas that won't not tuck in their shirts no matter what the outfit.

Love Austin. Sure, it pisses me off that the slogan is keep Austin weird because you're not funky. You're just a city with a bunch of weirdos in it that and every one out of every eight people has a mustache including the girls because they think it's interesting but they're still banging okay and everyone's there for music but austin love you san antonio you have the riverwalk and everybody's drunk on it now Love Texas. Okay? But Houston. And I hate saying this, dude. But we have a problem. Because, dude, the thing is,

you became a little bit of a bitch when Buffalo Wild Wings, change it, happened to say this thing about Manchester and the FA. All right. Because you started saying, well, I'll never eat there again. Cutting up Houston Buffalo Wild Wings fucking cards. By the way, what kind of a fucking fatso are you that you have a Buffalo Wild Wings membership card. Hey, guy, cut that up anyway.

Guarantee you were sweaty when doing it. Also, it's 2020. Who's eating wings? Who still eat wings, dude? You know the last time I put a fucking wing in my mouth? At a party a few years ago because I was starving. And that's all that there was. And I got there late, dude.

You should not be eating wings, man. That's gross. Hookers or fucking whatever the hooters that place fucking legitimately thought it was named hookers for a second like come on man what is this place hooters dude hey dude for real just call it hookers hooters no don't call itoters because I believe those girls should be making that money and you should be tipping those girls and those girls are working hard and some of them got a fucking family to provide for.

I like those girls. You're trying to make that money and you're being positive in society. But company, just call your place tits. You know? Anyway. These fucking people in Houston were like, look at this.

Look at this. Let's just pull up some of these. Find some of them and we'll just, come on, dude. Where's my Twitter at? Where my Twitter at? Go to some of them. Got this gift for Christmas. Look at this.

By the way, got this gift for Christmas. They're cutting up the Buffalo Wild Wings card. Dude, you got that gift for Christmas from a who? Someone that fucking hates you? Hey, dude. That's Buffalo Wild. That's a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card dude sad hey guy that's cool also sad um look at this guy kenny swift this cuck this cuck name by the way and you just lost

business in the fourth largest city in the U.S. and surrounding areas. That's how you punish social media accounts that pop off with a DJ Khaled gif that says, congratulations, you played yourself. Kenny Swift with the fucking profile pic of that cat that that lady's yelling at or whatever the fuck it is. Dude, shut up, man. Shut up. By the way, the Houston Astros cheated so you're coming into defense for people that robbed money in base in baseball you butthurt Kenny Swift couldn't sound more fucking country singer by the way god damn that's so ridiculous that they troll fuck you fuck it

dude houston you're being a the people in houston that are doing this you're being a bitch you're being a straight up bitch dude you're being a butthurt, dude. You're being a butt hurt motherfucker. Dude, I would have, I don't eat wings. I wanted to run to Buffalo Wild Wings and get all the wings and put them in my pockets. And they'd be like, you want a bag? And I go, are you kidding me, dude? I'm wearing these. No bag. Fuck that.

They go in my pockets wings and then this happened get ready to be pissed my babies buffalo wild wings pulls the even more bitch move and they tweet back a day later more bitch move. And they tweet back a day later. So last night was the roast of Buffalo Wild Wings, courtesy of the City of Houston. And honestly,

we deserved it. Well done, H-Town, for coming to your team's defense. And we're sorry about what we posted. Hey, Buffalo Wild Wings, you just solidified something. I'll never eat there. Because you went back on an opinion that, first of all, doesn't matter. And now it's news.

And now I know about it. And i'm not eating there and guess what buffalo wild wings and i'm serious about this next time i see my friend jason statham i'm telling him not to fucking eat there too so that's two fucking huge equally famous guys that are not going to go to Buffalo Wild Wings anymore. God, how I imagine being sorry about it, about making fun. By the way, Buffalo Wild Wings, why are you even tweeting about this? The only thing you should be tweeting about is hey we got wings that's every tweet that buffalo wild wings should tweet should be them saying hey we got wings or reminder colon we got wings or hey do you like our wings or hey you must like our wings our wings or hey you must like our wings why are you tweeting about the astros at all but if you do tweet about the astros do it once and if you take a stance and pop off in a humorous way and then

you feel the heat welcome to my world you bitch ass but don't apologize for it especially when you know you're right see this why i can't do i can't trust you motherfuckers now because you did something that you thought you stood behind and then because the mob came running the fat sweaty palmed buffalo wild wings eating a fucking gift card having as gift certificate. Motherfuckers, they kept coming. You guys felt the heat and apologized about some shit that you know is right. And you know that you still stand behind. Or you don't and you change your mind because these fucking fatsoes.

Fine then, you know what? I don't and you change your mind because these fucking fatsoes. Fine then, you know what? I don't trust you. So how can I trust what you give to me to put inside my body? Wings? No. Don't eat wings, by the way, dude. Unless you want to get cancer. They're smothered in radioactive bullshit hey dude

they're orange don't eat anything that's orange except an orange for real man that's crazy dude fuck buffalo wild wings buffalo wild wings Fuck Buffalo Wild Wings. Buffalo Wild Wings. Buffalo Wild Wings. That's awesome when I do it like that. Buffalo Wild Wings. Buffalo Wild Wings. Hell yeah, dude.

That's awesome I'm glad I figured that out this is a silly goose time I'm fucking I have no I'll never have I mean dude I can't believe I have the sponsors I have for real I talk to my guy sometimes that gets me paid to do social media posts once

or twice maybe and I'm like how come these motherfuckers aren't dude i see these people out there doing shit give me money to fucking talk about you and he's like yeah well a little bit of a loose cannon yeah dude i ain't got no motherfucker so i fuck your bitch buffalo wild wings this is grassroots bro i'm bernie sanders the mean girl. I'm Bernie Sanders, dude. Imagine if Bernie Sanders wins. That's going to mobilize the right like these fucking Houston Buffalo Wild Wings eating motherfuckers. Who, by the way, are the same people.

The crossover is 100%. The right. Dude, I can't. It's so bad. I can't stop thinking about this Buffalo Wild Wings. I can't believe people would be mad at Buffalo Wild Wings in Houston and not want to go there now because that's what they said. First of all, and then for Buffalo Wild Wings to apologize for it is just unbelievable.

If Bernie wins, dude, wow. You don't know my political stances. You don't know who I vote for. And I like it like that. I make fun of everybody. Trump is an insane person. If Bernie wins, dude, wow.

It's going to be insane if Bernie wins. It will be fucking insane if Bernie wins. We will live in the craziest time of our lives. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying maybe I'll vote for him. Maybe I won't. You don't know, dude. You don't know.

What you do know is I like Buttigieg. And one time I was talking about Buttigieg, and I was like i like that motherfucker i think he's got a shot and dude this was way back when nobody gave a fuck you know except for like some people in wherever the fuck he's from what is it ohio where's he from iowa idaho some weird ass idaho iowa i ohio there's too many states that sound like that anyway um Indiana that's what it is I knew there were too many vowels in it so and some dude tweeted me and I remember he was like my man Chris D'Elia thinks Buttigieg has a shot and did crying laughing emojis this dude

that has a zero percent polling yeah bro he's a front runner now you motherfucking bitch ass he's a front runner now you motherfucking bitch ass. He's a frontrunner now, you motherfucking bitch ass. Dude, I would love to see Buttigieg and fucking Trump just talk. I would love to see that. That would be my favorite. Because I think Bernie will get flustered. I think Bernie could lose his cool.

Buttigieg? Well, that's not true, Trump. Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts, facts, facts. And Trump would just be like, oh, yeah, you look like Alfred E. Newman. Man, I would love to stop with the WWF. WWF, welcome to live WWF. Yeah, man. Anyway.

I just love that no matter who gets picked, there's a smear campaign against them, no matter what. That's why what Trump did was just own. It was just amazing, dude. I mean, God, that guy's a fucking lunatic straight up,

but he was like, yeah, I fucking did all that stuff. Oh, you're too sensitive. Wrong, you know? Anyway, whatever. The diehard motherfuckers

are the craziest, dude. The diehard motherfuckers for anybody are the craziest. Like, the guy you're following could be wrong. Did you know that? He's not even you. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? He's not even you. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? He's not even you. You don't even stand behind what you stand behind that much. But people are like, no, fuck that. Bernie, Trump. You don't even stay. He's not even you, dude. That's another body that's not even you, dude. That's another body. That's away from you.

Wow. I'm a mean girl. And that's about it. I've got other stuff I could talk about. But, bro, you know how many things I had written down in this podcast, man? How many things I had written down? Three. Three things.

Two. Two. I had two things. One fire turned into one hire because he told me I had two things written down. I had two things written down right before I sat down. I had fucking Jason Statham written and then I had another thing written that I forget what was it one fire doesn't even know

back to one fire and so because I didn't remember it it doesn't matter because that's how unimportant it is and then also he said hey why don't you talk one fire so why don't you talk about the Buffalo Wild Wings thing and I was like you know what that's a good thing so that was the third thing so now

I did an hour. Okay. I wrote down fucking two things and one fire had one thing and, and I did it, dude. And I did it for you, but make no mistake, dude, even though I lie, I'm not lying about this. I did it mostly for the money. I did it for the sponsors that are paying me. Because you know why, dude? Because I love money. I love having money and I love paying for things and buying things and then walking out of the place where I bought it and being like this. Doesn't matter.

My life's the same. My life's the same when the money subtracts and also my life is absolutely the same whether i get the fucking thing or not which is so sad really i'm a consumer i'm a fucking piece of shit is what i'm trying to say i'm a piece of shit but also it's okay to feel like that but also i'm a person and I'm a human guy. That was more what I just said was more unimportant than what I said in the first 30 seconds of the podcast. So anyway, maybe I should have a guest soon, like a real guest. You know what, dude? I should have a real guest. I'm not having a guest until I can have a guest soon, like a real guest. You know what, dude? I should have a real guest.

I'm not having a guest until I can have a fucking super crazy famous person. If you're listening or if you know somebody that's super famous, suggest whoever. Tag them on Twitter and tell them that they should be the first guest. It'll be good for them. This podcast is enormous, okay? People that are like even super famous like not elon musk of course he's not going to do it but i'm talking about people that are like movie stars and shit this is a big podcast dude i mentioned buffalo wild wings we gotta mobilize dude we gotta mobilize dude us babies really have to mobilize, dude. We got to mobilize, dude. Us babies really have to mobilize.

I'm trying to be that Bernie Sanders motherfucker. That Donald Trump motherfucker. That just says what goes, dude. Yeah. All right, guys. Well, yeah. Tell them on Twitter. And if you know somebody that knows somebody that knows somebody, you should tell them,

Hey, Chris Lee is looking for a first guest you should do it sam jackson or whoever the fuck you know uh all right guys uh you guys are great and uh thank you very much oh shit i gotta look at the back here you can text me at whatever the fucking number is and uh also oh man of course it's the last it's always the last place you look right it's always the god damn last place you look there it is dude the last card I looked at is what it is support the show by buying merch oh the Life Rips hoodies the

the tie dyed ones are going to be back in business very soon here this week they sell out immediately the black ones sell out even quicker but we're doing the tie-dyed ones now again. And subscribe to the YouTube channel. Please subscribe to the YouTube channel.

It really helps. It helps us by putting – I still am in the back of my head thinking about doing some weeks where I do two a week. And I can do that if the numbers go up because I just it i can do it now and it's worth it because you know for the podcast i can make more money but i also don't want to like dilute it but if the numbers are that much better then forget it dude i'll do it i will do it so subscribe to the youtube channel listen share it try and grow this cult because this is a cult dude and you're not doing your fucking due diligence as a baby if you're not helping to grow the cult wear your merch at other people's other comedians shows especially brian callan uh in a loving way not in a fucking any other

way than a loving way because we love and support all comedians, man. We do. So yeah. I got my special coming out soon, dude. I can't tell you yet. It's not official, the date, but it's 99% sure and I can't wait to tell you. And it's soon. And it's soon, my babies.

It's soon, my babies. So West Palm Beach, finish up those tickets, get those. And Las Vegas, we got some new August dates in Las Vegas. And I think my Atlantic City thing

just went on sale. I don't know, but I'm going to do it at Atlantic City very soon. So keep checking the website for that and the Live Rips merch and all the other merch and the Silly Goose Time hoodies. And you got it, my babies. You guys are great. Thank you very much. This is coming from me, Mean Girl Chris Kali. Thank you.