Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 161. The 2nd Youngest Man Alive

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

Today Chris talks about having a a real baby(!), Herman Cain's ad from 2012, people who are always complimenting Lizzo's looks, Dwyane Wayne, Young Thug, Boosie Badazz, and getting pulled over. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hello, babies. It's episode 161 of Congratulations. I'm drinking. Because I felt like it, man. And remember, no dents, bitch. It's Chris D'Elia here, your host of Congratulations the Podcast. Or Congratulations Podcast.

Or just Congratulations. Just merely Congratulations. I'm chilling, dude. And it's, you know, uh, fuck, I had a, I had a crazy week, dude, a crazy good week. But before I get into that, uh, March 20th, let's do this. I'm working out some new material and I'm also trying to build my hour. I got a special thing coming up for you guys in the fall at the end of summer. And it is going to be bonkers, dude.

That's all I'm doing. I'm teasing it right now. And I'm letting you know in the fall I'm doing something bonkers, dude. It's going to be diff, dude. It's going to be stiff. Okay? Stiff. It's going to be stiff. Okay? Stiff. It's going to be different. And it's very cool.

And you guys are going to flip. And so until then, I'm working out new material. March 20th through the 22nd, I'll be in West Palm Beach. That big ass improv they have over there. And that's the whitest place on earth is West Palm Beach. That always, to me, feels like the Truman Show for real. And it's nice, and it's old white people. So it's cool.

And a lot of times I see old white people at my shows, and I'm like, it's not my demo, but maybe it is. Robinsonville, Mississippi. So if you want to see me in West Palm Beach, Florida, get tickets. Now, we just added two shows. So it's so big, the improv is going to be like 9,000 seats, but it'll all sell out. So get it. And then in Robinsonville, Mississippi, I'll be there April 3rd.

That's almost sold out. Rohnert Park, California, April 10th. Las Vegas, I'm going to be there the 17th and 18th of April and also in August. And then Brea, California, I'll be there Brea, California, April 30th. Two weekends, May 7th, that weekend too. And then the big banger coming up, dude, is Atlantic City. Atlantic City, New Jersey. big banger coming up dude is atlantic city atlantic city new jersey i'm gonna be at the borgata hotel and casino and we love it there dude i stayed at the showboat casino to do army of death and that was fucking that that hotel is absolutely awful but i went to the borgata to go

have sushi with the cast and it was great dude might as well have been in vegas uh so i went to atlantic city there to do that and now your boy dunn came up and going to the bogata hotel so get your tickets it's selling out uh it just went on sale so don't sleep the good tickets are almost are gone maybe i don't know get some fucking tickets go to crystalia.com here's another thing all life rips stock is back it's because of the stock it's back dude we got the life rips tie-dye hoodie you got the life rips black hoodie in all sizes and you got the life rips t-shirt in all sizes now for some reason for some rates i put it on instagram and immediately you know they all sell out in a day. But immediately people are commenting, like, what the fuck?

It's already sold out. Now, those people, they don't got brains, okay? Clear your cash. Clear your cachet, or whatever the fuck you call it. Because it's definitely okay, and it's definitely not sold out, but also bags. so you can get tickets and go all your shit at crystalia.com go all your shit not it's not something but anyway um it's really cool that i you know i think i don't the levels are wrong and then i i say the left side of the levels aren't as good as the right side of the shits and then i check with one fire one fire legitimately said

said to me today before we started i don't think there's a problem with that i think you have i think you have ear problems and that was the most disrespectful thing i've ever heard all of 2020 so far so it's all good but that's you know that's legitimately what happened so i got your problems already and i'm not even 40 my dad says what so much and he's 72. Sometimes my dad says so what so much that he just gives up sometimes and I could see his face just be like, Oh, I'm just not going to hear that. And that's going to be the thing. I'll say something like do like spaghetti and he'll be like, and I'll be like, Oh, he has no idea even that I'm asking a question. He's just pretending

to hear what I have to say and thinks it's a statement. All good, dude. But I'm going to do that too. And I'm probably going to end up doing that when I'm fucking 42. Because left ear? Already gone, my babies. So anyway, I'm doing... What the fuck was I going to say? God damn. Life rips are all back so go get that shit. Going to sell out.

And I also got in an argument with my opener last night. He doesn't know. Turns out it's on my Instagram story. You can check it out for a few more hours. Turns out he doesn't know what it means when I say or when anybody. He doesn't know the phrase bull in a china shop.

He doesn't know the phrase bull in a china shop. Oh. Now, that's the dumbest. Now, I didn't know there were levels of dumbness that went that deep. Hello. But here's a dumb shovel. You digging? What, dude?

You don't know what bull in a china shop means? I said to him, you're like a bull bucking around. And he said, well, that's a good thing. I said, yeah, but you're like a bull in a china shop means i said to him you're like a bull bucking around and he said well that's a good thing i said yeah but you're like a bull in a china shop and he said a china shop and i said do you know what a china shop is and he said yeah it's a shop and i said full of and he said china you know he said china things and i said hey, what's China? And he said, glass. Dude, he didn't know what it was. Got mad. Blood levels rose.

Okay. He hits the table so much when he talks, dude. It drives me nuts, man. And I got all the other guys on board with it, too. And they understand that he hits the table too much when we're talking. When he's talking, he'll just be like talking and hitting the table and shit. And my elbow's already on the table because I don't need to keep hitting him. Because here's the other thing too.

If you're listening to me, great. Good for you. If you're not, you don't get some hot lasagna. You don't get a conversational plate of hot lasagna. And that's on you. Because what I say's free right now i get paid to speak so if you're not listening to me that's on you all right so this guy's fucking

so i don't so that's how i do it you know it's like the whole mobster thing it's like the loudest person in the room is the guy who doesn't say shit at all. You know, that's probably in every other fucking mob movie. The loudest in the room sometimes is the most silent. That's definitely a line in some fucking student film, you know, and,

uh, that, that somebody's, that somebody's uncle says. And, um, and so he's fucking always hitting me and touching me and hitting the table and shit. The guy's so – he so wishes he was from New Jersey.

And he's from a place that's even more New Jersey than New Jersey, and that's Florida. So he was doing all that shit. And that was pissing me off. And I fucking called him out on it, and we were all laughing. Me and the other guys were there, Craig Conant, Mark Hayes. And anyway, that's the fucking story from last night. Found it. Dude, my coffee bean closed the fuck down, man.

So sad. But life rips. They're not going to stop me from having a good time kicking it at a cafe that I like and sipping some iced Americano, dude. I got one right here in my Batman cup at home. But they're not going to stop me, dude. People come up to me and they're like, oh, man, your coffee being closed down. What are you going to do? Because it's turning into a Starbucks?

Bro, Starbucks tastes like the back of a cow's mouth y'all know it found a starbucks though found a starbucks that i go to in the meantime uh and it's it's it's fine a cop pulled me over on the way there the last time and it was the shit dude because the cop pulled me over and i was like please be a young guy please be a young guy please don't be 70 because if he's 70, he doesn't know who I am. But if he's 35, there's a chance to let me go. And he comes up to me and he says, Hey man. And I say, Hey man, sorry. And he says, Oh, it's all good. Are you the comedian? I said, yeah. He said, I'm a big fan. I said, Oh, cool. He said, well, um, can I get your license and registration? I gave it to him. He said, all right, man. Well, don't worry about it and I was like fucking kept on rolling dude when a cop doesn't give you a ticket you feel like fucking DJ Khaled you're

just like another one um anyway uh yeah dude but news news guess what guess who's a fucking real daddy now i had my baby boy everything is completely healthy and everything is great and um i'm in love i'm in love with this boy do you understand that do you understand how somebody could just come out all of a sudden you love them like you knew them 15 years do you understand how somebody could just come out all of a sudden you love him like you knew him 15 years do you understand that do you understand you can just love somebody immediately bro i'll hold him i would hold him if my back hurts and it does hurt and i still hold him he shits i check it with my hand around back I don't need to open it up I don't give a fuck if I get shit on the hand I go wash it that shit's for me anyway dude I love him so much immediately and I'll hold him and I'll fucking kiss his nose it's so great. Wow. Do you know what it's like?

The experience when you have a baby? Wow. I can't even believe I'm saying this right now. But do you know what it's like? The only way I can describe it, because everyone describes it and you're like, oh, really? I guess. I don't know what it's like. Cool. You know, if you don't have a baby.

A lot of you guys have babies out there. A lot of you guys don't have babies. And that's fine. And a lot of you guys will have babies. And you're like, I know what it's like. Cool. You know, if you don't have a baby. A lot of you guys have babies out there. A lot of you guys don't have babies. And that's fine. And a lot of you guys will have babies. And you're like, I wonder what it's like. Let me ask. Let me listen. You know, here's a hot plate of fucking conversational lasagna you might like.

Everything in life you can compare to something else in your life. Everything. can compare to something else in your life. Everything. From a really obvious one, like if you play football and you've played baseball before, you're like, this is a little bit like baseball. I'm running around trying to catch a ball. To living in an apartment is a little bit like camping. You can draw from it. You know, if you were an alien that came down to the world and you were like, oh, some people camp and live outside and some people live in apartments, you wouldn't think it was much different. You'd be like, this is just how they reside. Do you know what I'm saying?

But having a baby is not comparable to anything else there's not something you can draw from in your bank of experiences when that person enters the room you know

you just immediately sit back and you are you know what you're doing you're pondering dude you're just thinking and you're barely thinking though you got like a little bit of a blip boop boop that's you thinking you're like i guess and then you're just looking at the baby and you're stupefied. Because you're thinking because you're alive, but you're not really thinking of actual things, you know? You've got this worldly fucking, it's like this sunrise is happening inside of your head. And you're holding your baby and you love him. It's not even love. it's the next thing it's like when you when you go to the east coast and you learn about addicts you're like oh

we don't have those out west oh but that's the fucking love up there oh you got shit higher you go back to you could be from the west coast, you go back to the East Coast, you're like, oh, you got another floor on top of the top floor? That shit's where your baby is, in the attic. That's love. And they're just chilling with him in a rocking chair, man. It's so beautiful, man. And it's awesome. The youngest man alive finally has somebody younger than him. And I love it. I'm not even 40. How young?

He's beautiful too, man. He sleeps about fucking 26 hours a day. And what is that surround sound noise that babies make too it's like it doesn't come from their mouth what is going on it's like all of a sudden you have headphones on and you just hear you're like where's that coming from do you know what i'm saying a baby will just be chilling his mouth will be closed and they'll be like and you're like how did you make that noise bitch hey dude how'd you noise? Dude, a baby can make a noise with their mouth closed and make it sound like an open mouth noise. Babies are fucking crazy. And their mouth

is closed, dude. Where's it coming from? Hey, baby, where's that coming from? But he was good he was a he's he's um a little bit uh he was six pounds nine ounces and he fucking bro he's drinking milk you know from the tit titty i don't like how to i don't know how to say it i don't like breastfeeding and uh this motherfucker you're supposed to go, you're born, and I don't know if you know this, I didn't know this, but you're born, and then you lose the weight, and then you're supposed to be back to your regular weight in two weeks. So if you're 6.9 or whatever the fuck then you lose the weight and then in two weeks you're 6.9 again this motherfucker in five days gained four ounces he's a fatty

dude just keeps drinking that teddy milk. But he loves it dude. He loves it. What are we going to do man? I think he's going to have a good body. When he gets older I think he's going to be jacked. Because we have good bodies. But this dude is going to take the best of both shits.

You know. You're going to be like. Oh we thought Dahlia the dad. Had fucking mountains on his back. We thought they filmed Lord of the Rings on his back bro this baby fuck a trilogy this guy's got a whole series they're doing a TV show on his back um but yeah it's a great bonding experience too if you're if you're with with with your whoever you're doing it with your wife your girlfriend whatever it is is is just amazing it's just weird um and then also i cried for fucking three days straight straight up cried when he came out never stopped put him skin to skin because i do that i saw the rock do it on instagram but i would have done it anyway and And I put it on. I didn't copy The Rock, but I put the baby on my chest, and it was so fucking – sorry,

I don't mean to go on about it. I know it's a comedy podcast, but dude, fuck y'all. This baby is the shit. And also, he's cute, and I think that sometimes you're supposed to think your baby is so cute no matter what, but I think also taking myself out of it, if I looked at the baby, I'd be like, that's a good one, aesthetically pleasing. I think also taking myself out of it, if I looked at the baby, I'd be like, that's a good one, aesthetically pleasing. But I put him on my chest, and I started crying again.

Oh, man, there was one time where in the middle of the pregnancy, the nurse was like, sometimes the baby's heart rate drops, and I got to hit this button. And a lot of doctors doctors come in and don't be alarmed. It's very common, but it is very overwhelming. And don't worry about it. I got to hit the thing. I got to hit this button. It's the button to let them all come in. And when they come in, there's going to be like 25 of them and they all do different things. So it's an important time when I hit this button and I don't know what's wrong exactly. So all these doctors come in and we all try to figure it out. And, and that's what happens. And I was like, okay, okay. I hope you don't have to hit the button, but if you do, okay. Um, uh, and, and they were like doing it and they were like, okay, and something happened, and I was like, I didn't know what was going on, and I could see the nurse's face, and she got not worried,

but concerned, and she's like, okay, a lot of doctors are coming in, so the shit went down. The shit happened. The heart rate, I said, is everything okay? And they said, the heart rate dipped a little bit. We got some doctors coming. Dude, do you know how many doctors come in? Okay. First of all, they put oxygen on my girl girl my girl's looking at me like is it okay and your boy doesn't know because i'm a comedian i'm the only person in that room that doesn't make any difference you got nurses you got doctors you got fucking doulas by the way what's that mean is that a midwife i don't know i don't even know what a midwife is i barely know what a wife is all right and so they hit the button dude and all these motherfuckers come in my girl looks at me

like is it okay? And I'm like, Mr. In Charge, always in charge of everything. And I'm like, hey, for the first time, I think. And so many doctors came in, dude. It was a joke. It was like one of those fucking Japanese subways where they were just like put we needed more doctors in there were outside just putting pushing running and jumping in because they couldn't fit here i come and then dude they kept coming and dude it was like the

fucking the the coolio video where all the people kept coming out of the trunk. It was like that. I was like, come on, dude. It was absolutely ridiculous. It was like this. They hit the button and this happened. Doctors came in with their stethoscopes. Just come along and ride on a fantastic voyage. Heart rates dropping, drippity drop. Heart rates drippity, drippity drop heart rates drippity drippity dropping come on y'all let's start to cry well it's too fucking overwhelming well come alone and ride on

the hearts drippity dropping by rivety by hopefully the fucking kid survives and i'm just like jesus christ hi i'm dr dude and the doctors were so young they could be friends with the baby that came out the doctors were so young at cedar cyanide they were literally they looked like djs dude they just came out and they were just like hi i'm dr you could just call me steve actually i'm not even done with my shit my name's steve just call me steve i'm gonna help out i maybe i swear to god what are you oh i'm the dj i didn't know if they needed did they need a i could play something well what are you gonna play are you fucking kidding me well i haven't heard that in a long time a doctor came in on a fucking bicycle and shit one one came in on the unicycle you need me no no we don't okay just back the way out he came in and then it all

turned out to be okay uh the heart rate went back up and all the doctors left and then i got lonely they all fucking left dude there were so many of them. I swear to God, when they hit that button, get ready because you cry. If you don't cry when 25 doctors come in a room, you're a fucking, you're a rock. You're a piece of shit. You're the undertaker. Dude, if you don't cry when 20 doctors walk in, I don't care if it's a fucking party, a doctor's party.

It's so overwhelming. I never cried in my life because something is overwhelming and there was too much shit going on that my eyes just went, hmm, fuck it. Whoa. Those are the tears. I never cried because of overwhelming. What am I? Hey, dude, what am I? Some bitch? No way, dude. I'm the man. And I was overwhelmed and i cried remember that herman cain commercial dude who's that guy dude you gotta fucking send it to me or whatever the fuck anyway dude i love my son everything is awesome he's six days old and y'all could go fuck yourself he's so dope. And he made so many doctors come in the room. How many fucking doctors has your boy made come into the room?

Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage. Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage. Fantastic Voyage. That's crazy that that's a hip-hop song. It's such a white thing to say. All right. Here we go, babies. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year,

Celebration Cookies. Celebrate good times. Dude, where's that Herman Cain thing? In my notes? Nice. One higher, even though he said I have ear problems. One fucking higher. One fucking higher.

Herman Cain first of all the guy's name Herman Cain is the most I'll tell on you name I've ever heard in my life come on Herman

don't tell on me my last name's Cain and my first name's Herman. This was the, you know, pro Herman Kane ad in 2012. And it went viral back then. But God damn, dude, it's so funny. This guy, who's this guy on it? Oh, he says it on it? All right, I'm going to play it.

Mark Block here. Okay. I mean, the shot is so vignetted, it's hilarious. Like, it's blurry, which means it's blurry on the outside. Like, to make it seem, don't know cooler mark block here at don't be on camera mark block here okay this guy fucking in his life has said this so many times well nine out of ten that's how many he said that so many times in his life mark Well, nine out of ten, that's how many, he's said that so many times in his life. Mark Block here, nine out of ten people think that, you know.

First of all, the music. Streets of Rage. Mark Block here. Since January... The fucking sound design, dude. Mark Block here. Where did they film this? In an asshole?

Mark Block here. Stinks like shit. We're shooting this in an asshole. Just wait till the end, man. Mark Block here. Since January. Ah, taking his time.

Taking his sweet old time since january mark block here who are you since january i've had the privilege of being the chief of staff to herman cain and the chief operating officer of the friends they're zooming in so far it might as well be a fucking sonogram of his brain tomorrow tomorrow say all the syllables dude i've never seen something that they only did one take on and then mark block was like i'm doing one they're like can we please get it again And he said why Like doesn't get how things are filmed Well because you know if you do

Another one we could cut it together But just use the one shot And they'd be like well It's just better to have safety Nine out of ten people would disagree with you And then walks away Dude it zooms in so far And the chief operating officer of the Friends of McCain.

Of the what, dude? Smumbling. And the chief operating officer of the Friends of McCain. The chief operating officer of the Friends of McCain. Is he saying Friends of McCain? Is he saying friends of McCain? Mark Block here. Come on, dude. The friends are in McCain. Say it again. Herna McCain, he said.

Friends of Herna McCain. I swear to God he says friends of Herna McCain. Operating officer, the friends are in McCain. Under McCain. Got to be friends under McCain. Whatever he's saying, say it again, Mark Block. Mark Block here. He's going to mumble through this. ...is one day

closer to the White House. I really believe that Herman Cain will put United back in the... He goes like this. He goes like this. United back. He goes like that. United like he's trying to fucking rupture his disc....America. And if I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be here.

We've run a campaign like nobody's ever seen. But then America's never seen a candidate like Herman Cain. We need you to get involved because together we can do this. We can take this country back. He's smoking because he's a badass, dude, because that's the fucking kind of grassroots bullshit you do around here man herman cain wow bro he's smoking smoking is so bad for you mark block don't you know that what are you also what are you doing bro you're not fucking 15 anti-establishment you're literally a politician and you're 60 i think they're singing in this together we can do this we can take this country

smoking wow he's the shit that guy fucks with only a blazer on herman cain creepiest smile of all time, why is he in front of apartment blinds? Wow, dude. One voice. Fucking Brown and Brown and Mark Block. Dude, he's straight up in front of apartment blinds. Herman Cain. For real.

He's in those shitty ass apartment blinds that come when you fucking rent a room for like $600 a month. That's where they shot it. That's insane. Wow. It's so funny, man. Mark Black here. A fucking rooster. Mark Black here.

Mark Black here. That's what he says, dude. Mark Black here Mark Block here that's what he says dude Mark Block here Mark Block here Mark Block here wow dude just so great look at the comments

watching this years later still hilarious dude why are there such close ups of both of them it's like this shit Herman Cain bing bing bing

bing bing bing Mark Blocking, bing, bing, bing. Bark Block here. I'm Fred Sutter McCain. Bing, so drunk. Smoked in it. Dude, put it out. Wow, dude.

I just can't believe these motherfuckers. Side of touch. I can't believe anybody thinks anything is a good idea like that oh dude there was a fucking thing on Instagram holy fucking shit it was so funny I sent it let me see if I could find it bro I gotta send this to you and we got to put it on the thing we gotta put it on the thing man where is it hold on let me find this you, it's worth it. Just wait. Block here. Just wait. Block here.

Dude, I've got to send it to you. I'm going to send it to you right now, and we're going to put it on the thing. It's in your DMs. It's called the PSO underscore right. Dude, I don't even know how to tell you what's happening. I guess I'm going to put it. How the PSO right makes you feel. Release tension in your body with one of the best massage tools on the market.

Your patent and design allows you to reach almost every muscle in your body. Get your... Okay, so this guy is squatting. No, he's... What do you call it? Not squatting. What do you call that? Clean. Jerking clean. Whatever the fuck. No, he's, what do you call it? Not squatting. What do you call that?

Clean, jerk and clean, whatever the fuck. Weights and the base of it, and I wrote under it, ha, this is the most horrible ad I've ever seen. I wish people, people, these are the comments. Watching this ad, I have no idea what the product is. Is it a barbell stand? Some of the worst advertisement ever. What am I even looking at? I won't buy some garbage if I don't know what the garbage is for.

What the hell am I watching? You're joking, right? Looks like his joints will be nonexistent in 30 years. Who's in charge of your marketing? This is great. Just PSO, you know, need a strong... I don't know what the... Those are not...

Very strange way of advertising it. I don't understand what this ad is for. Looks unsafe. I'm so confused by this ad. These are all the comments, dude. This is the worst marketing recorded or something, and we can put it on the thing. I don't even know what it's for. It looks unsafe. I'm so confused by this ad. These are all the comments, dude. This is the worst marketing recorded or something, and we can put it on the thing. I don't even know what it's for.

Do you, babies? Anyway. Bark, bark here. I'm in game. I just, I have a question, and this is a sincere question. No hate, no nothing nothing because the music say what you want if you like it that's great certainly sounds nice how come every time i open up anything

my phone my computer my closet or my fucking zipper i have why do I have to always read that that's my question to put out there why do I have to always read Lizzo was on the carpet of the VMAs and looked and slayed. She's a queen. Look at how she killed her outfit. And then I got a look and she's wearing literally a Hershey's bar. She wore a dress that said Hershey's on it the other day. And everyone's like,

and she absolutely killed it. Hey, dude. No, she didn't. And that's just a regular free song I didn't put out on iTunes. Dude, you don't look good like that. Why are we pretending? I know why. I know why.

I know why we're saying it. I know why we're saying it. Because she's overweight. And because there's been so much fat shaming in the world that now we got to backtrack and the pendulum swing too far the other way. And now there has to be headlines every day about how fucking goddamn sexy Lizzo looks. But hey, what about this? Her music. What about that?

What about how you're making it? So looks are the most important thing. What about how you're making it so looks are the most important thing? What about that? What about that, you superficial fucks? Who cares? If who cares how she looks, then who cares how she looks? Right? cares how she looks, then who cares how she looks, right? If who cares that she's a little overweight, then who cares how she looks? Why do we have to fucking keep talking about how banging she looks?

How banging she looks. Who cares? Who fucking gives a shit? I don't care what weight she is. If she's happy and killing it on stage, what the fuck do I care? I don't give a shit. But every time I open, oh, she looks banging in that fucking, what did wear tinfoil people be like lizzy lizzy showed up boy did she slay in some tinfoil hey no you look like the tin man it's embarrassing you're embarrassing yourself bloggers i hope she knows and she's just taking the piss and you guys just don't even understand her levels.

Hey, also, remember when she did the thing at the basketball game and she just showed up with her asshole out and everyone was like, she slayed. Her fucking asshole was out. Dude, her fucking asshole was out. And we had to pretend like she slayed? Dude, if my asshole was out... ... ...

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... ... ... .................................D....D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D.D whole fucking my ass in front of apartment blinds just pivoting and then i open up and my asshole opens up and i just go new man on the minnesota vikings she showed up wearing a hershey's fucking milk chocolate wrapper hey you didn't slay you looked like chocolate I mean dude why do we pretend and she slayed

dude if fucking Halle Berry showed up like that you'd roast her rightfully so it's hilarious what this world has come to oh

she got that chunk huh look at that ass jesus look at what everyone says pretty i don't know oh what is she doing hey you got grandma doing hey you got grandma hey you got grandma anyone that does that is a fucking man these chicks you know they'll be on the her voice is the shit no man on the venezuela bikings down down the down the down down down anybody who does that in the middle of a song I hate when people say this but I'm here for it dude cause you feel it so dope that's the shit dude I love it

put on a regular dress yeah I love it dude anyway I'll fucking make an album and I'll show up in a hershey's outfit imagine if i made an album and my voice was the shit and i was killing it and then i showed up in a fucking hershey's outfit how they would drag me down down even if i did down down down down down down new man on the Minnesota Vikings. I love it.

I love this movement. Whatever you do is right, girls. Whatever you do is right, girls. I saw a guy with a Believe All Women shirt the other day, and I literally just thought about how my ex would lie to me a lot. Dong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, new man on the Minnesota Vikings. Dude, hey man, really? Believe All Women? My girl cheated on me lots. Dong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong.

Ah, cancel me. What the fuck do I care, you know? Pfft. Ah, I love it. I'm going to get a fucking cape with a fucking huge green collar. And then y'all can kiss my fucking ass. Me and my son just kissing each other. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. I'm free, dude. That's the thing thing that's why you listen to this podcast that's what i realize right now why you listen to this podcast because i'm

free i'm fucking free man and yeah there's haters out there there's people say you can't say this you can't say that and npr sure you can learn a lot and you don't learn shit from this podcast except for the very important stuff and you listen because I'm free dude I'm that like ninth guy they didn't film in fucking one floors of the cuckoo's nest that they cut out on the

on the floor that's on the cutting room floor that's like you know what I mean he's talking, that's the guy that's talking about fucking no dents and how life rips and calling everybody a cuda. And he keeps going, dong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, and showing everybody they're asshole, dude.

Yeah, so. I want to thank my community of friends, dude. it's so cool to have a community of friends like I feel so lucky to be a part of something like my comedian friends like it's just so cool I was over Sebastian's house the other day Sebastian Maniscalco and Bobby Lee was there Brian Callen was there Whitney Cummings was there a lot of you know a lot of people there and it was just cool to be feel like a part of something Bill Buren was there. Whitney Cummings was there. A lot of people there. And it was just cool to feel like a part of something. Bill Burr was there. And it was just nice how genuinely happy everybody was and happy for each other we were. Laughing, having a good time.

And it's just so cool to have that, man. Like a community of friends that gives you shit about you and i don't you know i'm not just talking about my community of friends in uh um uh with my comedian friends i'm talking about i got other other people i got friends from high school that i still talk to uh one or two and i got other friends that i just have out here in la and shit and it's just really fucking cool man to have that support from each other and And for people to give a shit. Like, I care about my friends. I care about what happens to them. And I care.

I like that they care about what happens to me, man. And I feel very fortunate. And all I'm saying is I feel fortunate. And thank you to my friends. And thank you to the world for letting me have that shit, man. It's so cool, dude. to the world for letting me have that shit man it's so cool dude um now if you could just stop talking about how great fucking how great lizzo's dresses are that would be amazing uh everybody you guys seen this duane wade thing where his uh i guess his son that it was a son and then um

now is going by zaya and so it's Dwayne Wade's daughter. And Dwayne Wade has been really cool about putting it out there and letting his son, I guess it used to be, I don't know how to say it. Just don't cancel me. And anyway, it's his daughter

and he decided to be known as a a woman so duane wade and gabrielle union have been really cool and letting their son do that you know i look i don't know the ins and outs of it i don't i never met the family but i just if if it's something that the 12 14 whatever year old is like yo i want to be a girl a girl. So that's what I'm going to be. I'm going to change my name to Zaya. A 12 year old child. It's cool that the kid, you know,

came out and it's cool that the parents are being supportive. This is on billboard, but following Dwayne Wade's support for his 12 year old child, Zaya coming out as a transgender girl, the LGBTQ plus community rejoice and praise the basketball stars acceptance and parenting um and it's just weird that like how much the hip-hop community and sports community uh doesn't accept this you know because like here's the deal dude if my son is 13 and he's like yo i like dresses i want to wear that shit i don't really care if you want to do that do that you know um and if you grow out of it then you grow out of it if it's a phase okay and if it's not

okay um and if you have a son and a daughter that is transgender then you know look if i think if a if a five-year-old is like cut my fucking dick off maybe you have a word with them and be like well you know when you're older you cut your dick off um but that's not what's happening here because gender and sex is different. And Young Thug took to Twitter on Tuesday, February 18th. All I want to say to Dwayne's son is, God, don't make mistakes, but hey, live to yourself. First of all, Young Thug, you wear dresses on your album cover so what are you saying second of all what the fuck do you have to do with duane wade's family that's the shit that bothers me so much

look i don't even care if i don't believe in what you're doing which you know sounds like what duane wade's doing is trying to be a fucking stand-up father gabby union is trying to be a stand-up mother but when someone tries to and i thought this before i had a kid when someone tries to intervene and tell someone else how to parent or do what they're or or this is what you should do that's so fucking you know how annoying it is to get advice at all in any realm when you're at the gym and someone's like you know you got to do this to make this bro shut the fuck up let me pull it let me fuck my back up the way i'm gonna do it i'm me but you're gonna fucking tell someone how to parent what the fuck does young thug give a shit about the way a basketball guy raises his family?

That's some true asshole shit. Who gives a fuck, dude? Why do you care? Isn't the whole rap game? I don't give a fuck. If you don't give a fuck, why the hell are you thinking about Dwayne Wayne's daughter family at all also you wear pigtails

K also you wear dresses K I mean that's a fucking grenade That's a fucking grenade. That drives me nuts, dude. Let the fucking parent parent the way they're going to parent. The kid's going to be well-adjusted.

You know what, dude? Who's that? Boozy said some shit, too, which I don't even know who he is. I don't know if that's showing my age or if the guy, I think he's actually an older rapper. Boozy. It looks like he's actually an older rapper boozy it looks like he's old it looks like he's 50 boozy duane wade let me look this up boozy goes on rant about duane wade supporting his let's look at this of course it's going to be a fucking guy talking about it first this is breakfast club but you also i don't want to see this. I want to see the thing.

How come when you click on something, boozy, the first one isn't always the thing that the guy's saying. It's like, last Tuesday, da-da-da. It's like, dude. Look, boozy going in on way. Here we go. Here we go. I got to say something about this shit, bro.

No, you don't. Aren't you a rapper? The way you going too fucking far, y'all. That is a male. A 12-year-old. At 12, they don't even know what their next meal going to be. They don't have shit figured out yet. Okay. They're not cutting the kid's dick off. Why is he acting like this?

The kid's put a dress on right you're going too far dog don't cut his dick off bro like bro for real if he gonna be gay let him be gay but don't cut his dick who's cutting his dick off like don't address him as a woman dog he's 12 years old he don't he's not he's not up there yet he hasn't made his final decisions yet don't cut his fucking dick off duane wade bro you fucking tripping dog really insightful really insightful well so we're here live and he's in we are with the reports duane wade is tripping do you have anything else you want to say well the the problem is is that duanene Wade is tripping. Do you have anything else you want to say? Well, the problem is that Dwayne Wade is tripping. The only real problem Dwayne Wade has is how he spells his first name.

It should be Dwayan. Back to you. No, Dwayne Wade, man, you're tripping, man. You're not all there. What else? He also said this. He doubled down on it. See me do something.

Yeah, bitch ain't gonna do nothing. Oh, God. Always with this shit. These rappers live in mansions, you know? You see me do something. Go in your fucking hot tub. So annoying. Anybody don't like what I say when you see me do something, bitch?

Yeah. I mean, so rocketed to the next level. Bro, you're just commenting badly on something. Y'all don't like what I say. Do something. Well, there's actually a lot of steps we can take in between. God, how exhausting would it be to be a guy like this? You know what I mean?

Or just to even be around a guy like this. Bitch, we stepping, bitch. Yeah? Yeah. Bitch, I done got to working out. I'm finna talk some shit. Yeah. Bitch, get hung up in the closet right next to your clothes

Bitch Make me talk my shit Yeah Yeah bitch Yeah that's a good point Especially if you was born in the 80's I know you want me Tupac and Biggie Oh you're gonna kill someone?

Don't cut his dick off. And if y'all agree with me, do something. I'll kill you. Ah, sir drastic. You want me Tupac and Biggie if you was born in the 80s? What? Bitch, I seen you up there with Tupac and Biggie. To that card game.

That legendary card game. Yeah. Wow, he's dressed like a nine-year-old. That legendary card game. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, he's dressed like a nine-year-old. That's how I'm coming. I'm finna fat him off to y'all bitches now. Yeah, I'm finna talk some old gangsta ass shit. Okay, we're ready.

This is great. Look it, now he's just looking at it. Okay, let's get this talking. Bitch, I'm straight. Bitch, I'm straight. Bitch, I'm straight. Bitch, you crooked. I mean, who? Nothing's happening.

And this guy's so mad. I'm special ed. Bitch, I'm watch this. Big dog steady. Bitch, I ain't stopping till Bootsy bad. Till they say it's time. no not these uh i'm gonna get i'm gonna get it it's so funny dude these people in the comments somebody just writes stop playing with us punks nothing is happening like nothing is happening and these guys like y'all motherfuckers better stop. Okay.

Imagine being in a fucking business meeting with this guy. You're just like, I don't know. Okay, look, we're not trying to fuck with you. So you want to get an album or? They're so mad. They're pretend mad. They're not so mad. They're pretend mad. They're not even mad. This is the worst interview.

Yeah, just piss test my son. I ain't going for it. I'm going to fuck mine up. Yeah. I ain't going to get mine nailed down. I'm going to fuck him up. Yeah. What is he talking about?

Yeah, I'm raising mine. Believe go i'm not going for it i'm not going for it yeah how many kids does boozy have i want to know that can you find that out i'm not going for it he's not going well he's whatever it is he's not going for it i'll'll tell you that much. How many kids does Boozy have? More children. Oh, shit. Go up. Go up. Go up.

Oh, my God. Ivy Ray. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven kids. How old is he? Go down. 37 years. He's got seven kids. Also, he's younger than me, dude?

He looks 50. That's not like how black guys don't look old until one day. He hit that day early. That's so weird. Oh, he's 5'6". Hey, man. You're not going to do shit. You know?

Imagine him in a fight with Dwayne Wade. Dwayne Wade would literally hold him down and just shit on him. Boozy badass, you know? What's he? Rapper, singer, songwriter, record producer, record executive, actor. Actor. Oh, this is just so great boozy this guy's a fucking dork what a dork dude look at this little boozy's young cousin how i mean he does he take care of all his kids seven kids that's hard to take care of. And this guy's like, don't cut your dick off, man.

I mean, having seven kids, I know fucking Mormons with seven kids that they don't pay attention to all of them. So, a rapper? Oh, man, God. Let's do Twitter questions. I want to talk. This fucking boozy guy, dude, you know?

Boozy. 5'6", dude. That's hilarious that he's 5'6 talking like that. God, these guys need to get knocked the fuck out sometimes, you know? I'll do something, bro. It'd be great. It'd be great if he killed me because I talked like this um

oh this is great you guys are finally understanding what's a bitch means from Tom Holberg how bitch is it to sit down on the edge of the pool and to lower down in yeah it's a bitch he writes it's not a hot tub I mean it's even bitch to do in a hot tub

uh yeah it's so bitch just jump in's not a hot tub it's i mean it's even bitch to do in a hot tub uh yeah it's so bitch just jump in that's a good one dude uh you're right how bitch is it this is joseph joseph hannon how bitch is it to dab the corner of a napkin in a glass of water and wipe a little spot off your shirt oh that's bitch yeah well the thing about the being a bitch is um you can do anything not so bitch anything you can do in a not so bitch way but there are things that just lend itself to be an s bitch like if you dab it if you're just doing it like this that's a bitch but if you just grab it you're just like fucking get this fucking thing out it's not so bitch but yeah so there's like a sliding scale if you're going to lower yourself

into a pool it's really hard to do that. Not a bitch with some bitch wise. Um, Hey, Chris Lee, this is Lexus Carrera. Hey, Chris Lee. I'm at I'm episode eight. Yes. I'm behind. I know you shit talk games. I'll have, you know, cards against humanity is a great game.

Oh, you know what? Lexus. Oh, can you hear me smile oh hey dude cards against humanity you know it's probably not that good but let's say it is good because lots of people play it you're still a fucking dork and that's all good own it i'm a dork about certain things but i don't play cards against humanity uh because i just don't want to play games man i fucking hate games i when people are talking having a good time and then somebody comes in they're just like want to play taboo i'm just just like, all right, bro. I'm out, man.

I'm going to start smoking. This is just bullshit. You know what I'm talking about? I'm going to go kiss my son, dude. Hold him. And look at his eyes. Feels good. It's so weird to be in love with this fucking little boy.

Love this little boy, my son in love with him. Um, all right, you guys, uh, uh, that's it.

You can text me at 818-239-7087. Uh, the merch is, um, up. you can text me at 818-239-7087. The merch is up. Life Rips all restocked. It'll be gone tomorrow, so go get your shit. If you want, remember, when you do get it, wear them at other comedians' shows and sit in the first few rows so they have to see that shit because we don't play no fucking games, bro.

You go to a Burt Kreischer show, you put on that live rip shirt or the no don'ts shirt. That's it. Remember, get your tickets at West Palm Beach, Robinsonville, Mississippi, Rohnert Park, California, Brea, and Atlantic City, the big one. Let's go, Atlantic City. Let's do this. It's my hometown, New Jersey, my home state, New Jersey. So let's do it. Thanks for listening,, New Jersey. My home state, New Jersey. So let's do it.

Thanks for listening, guys. Alright, see you guys. Bye. Thank you.