Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 162. You... Might Want To Talk To The Stork

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Today Chris talks about Coronavirus, BTS, McMillions documentary and the FBI agent Doug Mathews, not trusting people who "unplug", a story about his friend Dan, and his bionic child. Tickets for Congratulations Podcast Live are on sale Friday Mar 6, 2020. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey babies, it's episode 162 of Congratulations. What's up my babies? Life friggin' rips. That's why I got the Life Rips hoodie on. I decided to wear it today because life friggin' rips, dude. It does, man. And you just got to remember.

The only thing you got to do to understand that life rips is maybe you're in a bad mood. Just fucking remember, dude. Life rips. Remember it. Just remember. All you got to do is remember. So, yeah, man. life rips remember it just remember all you gotta do is member um so yeah man still can't hear out of my left ear all good so disrespectful how fucking one fire said i have hearing and i literally said i have a fucking hearing issue last episode and i feel like i maybe do and it's already hot and it's already hot my babies I'm already feels like it's fucking 92 degrees.

Anyway. Yeah, man. So we got let's see. It's this is episode one of some fucking shit. And we got torque. Let me just go over these here. I added two shows to the West Palm Beach, Florida. Those are coming up in a few weeks.

And they're they'll sell out for sure. Robinson, Mississippi, some reason. Roanoke Park, California, where is it? I'll be in Las Vegas, Nevada for two nights and also two nights after that. So that's four nights, but we say it like that. I'm there for two nights and two nights because it's not four nights in a row. It's two nights in April and two nights in August. And, dude, this is an announcement here, an announcement here.

This is the first ever. Now, babies, get ready because Friday at 10 a.m., either Eastern or some other time, I don't care. Just whenever it is, look at my website. The first Congratulations podcast live is happening ever. So you can get tickets. There's about, I think, 1,200 tickets. It's in Los Angeles. And you won't, you know, I think it'll sell out in fucking minutes.

We're going to have a bunch of surprises there. We're going to have maybe, who knows, maybe we'll have some guests or whatever. But we'll be doing the, you know, it won't be stand-up comedy. It'll be sitting down, me doing the fucking podcast. And that, frankly, is sensational. So it's all good, my babies. And I can't wait to do that, man. And if it's good, who knows?

Maybe we'll do fucking more. But maybe we won't. Maybe this will be the only time that we ever do congratulations podcast live. be the only time that we ever do congratulations uh podcast live uh so if you are coming a friday the tickets go on sale get the tickets wear your merch it's okay if you don't have the fucking hoodies and shit but if you have them bring you understand because it's going to be a real life cult meeting dude a real life meeting of the cult dude sensational and that's just fucking wonderful man sensational um we slowed it down for you dude we chopped and screwed it like they do in fucking lausanne anyway uh so we're doing the live congratulations podcast.

Fuck it. We'll do it live. Dude, what's that guy's name? Bill O'Reilly. Hi, Mr. O'Reilly. Who says that? Is that Eminem? I don't even know.

Maybe I just made it Eminem and it's not. No, you know what? It's not. It's ludicrous. That fucking cuck. Hi, Mr. O'Reilly. That's who it is um anyway um fucking one fire just typed in ludicrous ludicrous so that's why i won't fire it's ludicrous but if i typed in ludicrous so it's all good fucking yes typos dude typos on top of typos because ludicrous is already a typo because rappers can't spell shit right um may 7th bray improv i'll be there for two weekends in a row i'm gonna fuck on my joe coy uh

and then atlantic city we got to do that one man that one's gonna be that's selling very well it's in august or wait no it's in july but it's already selling very well. Who knew? Yeah, boy, fucking who knew, dude? Yeah, boy, it's a hot ticket. But yeah, Netflix is a joke. It's the Netflix festival we're doing the congratulations podcast for, which is cool. So it's brought to you by me and Netflix. And that's going to be amazing. They have a great

lineup there for everybody I think two bears one cave is doing it too and there are other comedians that are doing it like Ali Wong and shit like that so it'll be awesome and it's in LA and if you don't live in LA dude feel sorry for you that week cause it'll be fucking

awesome anyway what's up do you guys have uh the fucking coronavirus yet is anybody listening to this that has a coronavirus i only fist bump dude i fist bump period but now when somebody wants to shake my hand i legitimately want to be like the fuck is your deal and not because shaking hands is a bad thing. I don't think I'm going to get the coronavirus if I shake someone's hand, but I think I might get the coronavirus if I shake everybody's hand. And guess who's shaking

everybody's hand? If I'm out in public, I'm going to fucking shake everybody's hand because people are fucking saying shit. Oh, hey, Chris. Oh, hey, Chris. It's like I'm fucking Pete Buttigieg, dude. If I'm out in LA, I'm Pete Buttigep budaj you understand people want to shake your boy's hand so i gotta fucking do a fist bump and then still people are looking at me like oh okay well okay and don't want to shake hands yeah dude because i gotta shake fucking everybody's hand because i'm not getting the fucking rona virus dude corona that's so dick for the fight that's so shitty for the beer company you know that it's called the corona virus that's like calling it the fucking bud light virus like it's just whoever coined the term they just fucked over corona the beer

you know there's frat guys out there that's just that are like dude i've been fucking i've had the coronavirus for years dog just drinking a fucking corona you take your coronavirus with lime it's classic there isn't more of a fucking frat guy thing to say than classic when something's not classic no doubt dude it's fucking classic classic, dude Coronavirus, dude, I've had the fucking coronavirus For years, dog Ugh Ugh When a white guy calls another fucking white guy Dog, you know Uh, yeah, so, anyway

Uh, but do you have the coronavirus? If you do, I really want to hear about it So just tweet me, so I can fucking not look at it You know, uh It's fucked, I guess the Kill rate is like 2%, 3%. And the flu is like 0.1% or something. I think it's not.

I think it's worse than the flu. That's what I heard. That's what my buddy Dan said. But you know what, dude? I'm done trusting Dan. Yay! Woo-hoo! I'm done trusting Dan.

Yes! Dude, I won't trust him anymore. You know why? He's a fucking liar. And you know why he's a liar? This is the shit, man, that is important to me. When somebody fucking says, here's what happened, and I put it on my Instagram. It's my last Instagram post.

But if you listen to this in a few days, it's probably not my last Instagram post. So go back a few. My buddy Dan goes like this. Let me just try to fucking lay it out in the most basic of terms, okay? My buddy Dan says, for no reason, you know it's supposed to rain tomorrow. And I go, and I say, oh, cool. And then he says, yup. And then we just keep drinking coffee.

Because that's all I do is drink coffee all fucking day long. And when people say, well, maybe that's why you have restless leg syndrome, I get fucking pissed off because that's not going to stop. And also, that's not why, because I've done fucking, you know, testing for it. I've had a control and a fucking whatever the other thing is. I don't do science, but i do testing for my restless leg syndrome you know what helps restless leg syndrome for real busting a nut sensational anyway my buddy dan's a liar yay dude and here's man. Because he fucking goes like this. It's going to rain tomorrow. And I said, oh yeah? He said, yup. And then we just kept drinking that coffee. Alright? And then he goes. And that's it. And that's fucking it. set going to get something to fucking eat or something. I don't remember. Maybe we were getting another coffee because I'll get two coffees in a fucking row, dude. I'll go to one

cafe, get a coffee, drink half of it, bring it to the next spot and then drink another fucking coffee. Anyway, I don't remember what coffee shop we were at, but we were walking to another one probably. Okay. And I zip up my fucking jacket. And I say, got a fucking cold out, didn't it? And he said, I told you it was going to get cold. And I go like this. I lean back like a teacher. Proud of his student, but you know there's something else going on too.

Like maybe they fucking cheated. That's how I look at him. And I say, oh, yeah? And he says, yeah, I said it. And I said, well, when did you say that? And he said, I said it was going to rain tomorrow. So, ah. he said, I said it was going to rain tomorrow. We broke the microphone on that one, man.

That was a fucking mic break. Where did it even come from, dude? Oh, over here. Dan made me break my microphone dude ah dude he fucking legit okay now this shit drives me bananas dude i'm fucking b-a-n-a-n-a ass right now and he goes and i said oh well that's different dude well that's different and he said and he was trying to act like because he said it was going to rain the next day that it was going to get cold tonight and he said he said it dude and he said he said it and i got so mad at him and i said we're done dude we're done you've moved from my fucking like seventh best friend

down to my fucking like 36th best friend and that's enemy territory because i don't even have really 36 friends i've got like 25 friends and then you know it's like the venn diagram where it's like oh yeah but you're also my enemy in a way. He's in the middle there. So then I posted up a fucking Instagram video, and I explained this. And then he comments this shit. This is what he comments. Hey, people, guess what?

This is what he says. First of all, he says, hey, people, like he's fucking Hey people, guess what? This is what he says. First of all, he says, Hey people, like he's fucking Kevin Hart. Guess what? It fucking rained last night and it dropped 30 degrees and it dropped 20 degrees. Like I said it with the first time.

Chris Lee doesn't remember this because he's perpetually distracted. Therefore has the memory of a flea. And here goes, excuse me of lying. I will be okay. Yeah. So he says he's going to sue me. Ha jokes and shit.

People feel some dense. I get it. It's actually funny that he says all this and then um and then he fucking right here some guy says rain can come with a cold front Mr. D'Elia usually I like your rants but this one was dumb and I wrote way to make it serious buddy also that Also, he didn't say it was going to rain, so that's what's up. Anyway, then Dan writes, yeah, see, whoever this Dan guy is remembers saying it's going to rain and the temperature is going to drop 20 degrees, like you're saying too. But the Chris D'Elia guy doesn't remember the temperature part because he usually is only half listening and then gets mad at people later on for making shit up. Okay, dude. Well, fine.

Well, then why? Then later on that night, dude. Why later on that night didn't you bring that up okay dude well fine well then why then later on that night dude why later on that night didn't you bring that up dude why didn't you bring that up later on that night was i not listening then because then i was in full-throated full-throttle heated mode i listen when i'm in full-throttle heated mode so now who's making shit up a day later and i know some of you see here's the deal this is exactly what the congratulations podcast is about it's about saying to me all right and it's about fucking learning these types of things now this is what npr should be talking about why these kinds of things happen but instead they're literally talking about like the economy and global issues. Okay. This is the important shit.

This is congratulations podcast to a T. And I don't remember what I was going to say in the beginning of that sentence. And it doesn't matter. That's also what congratulations podcast is to a T. But I'm fucking pissed, dude. And now he's my 36th friend and it crosses over into enemy territory. Yeah, dude. It's just, it's just it's just i don't know why that shit has always driven me driven me nuts those kinds of things

that's not what you said but that's not what you said i can't believe how many times i've said but that's not what you said in my life dude i've said but that's not what you said, more times than Vince Vaughn has said it. No doubt. So that's it. We got too many liquids on here. We got a fucking ice Americano. We got a 40-ounce water. Shout out to my boy, Theo Rossi,

with the company. And then we got a LaCroix. And then we got a fucking... I said we have an ice Americano, but that's too many drinks. My Irish buddy has so many drinks on him all the time he always has a fucking coffee water and an actual drink like a fucking like a drink drink with alcohol in it bro figure it out you got two hands who you goro that's a fucking slam and that's a fucking slam, man, that's a fucking slam,

who you Goro, um, anyway, man, my pits are sweating so hard, it's crazy, it's like they filmed fucking Jumanji under my armpits, I cannot believe he did that,

dude, that was the first fucking, by the way, that was the first microphone swing away, fucking comeback boomerang, ah, that I've ever done, and he did that, dude. That was the first fucking, by the way, that was the first microphone swing away fucking comeback boomerang that I've ever done. And he deserved it, dude. Anyway, don't get the coronavirus. Here's the deal.

My buddy's also scared about the coronavirus. He's like, I always think stuff is like not going to hit us and shit like that. But the coronavirus is very, very, what do you call it? What's the contagious? And then I was like, very, what do you call it? What's the, contagious. And then I was like, oh yeah. And he said, cause somebody got it in like Northern California and they weren't even, they didn't even go anywhere on an airplane. And it's like, okay, so it's very catchable then my babies.

So anyway, wear those masks. I can't wait to go to West Palm Beach next week, next month and wear the fucking mask for real. And be like one of those Asians. The Asians been wearing masks, dude. Mask doesn't help. That's what Ivan Getridov says. And I'm not going to wear the mask and then get the coronavirus.

And then I'm going to get fucking mad at Ivan Getridov. I'm going to wear a mask, but I'm not going to wear that mask. I'm going to wear one of those fucking Richard Nixon masks. They're going to be like, what is this, Point Break? I'm going to wear a fucking Richard Nixon mask And when people go like sir why are you wearing that mask And I go like this Coronavirus

Sir are you here to rob a bank No I just don't want to get the coronavirus And then they say Well why don't you just wear it And I say because I'm not Asian I'm a white guy Asians only wear those masks Like they're dentists or some shit. Isn't it funny though?

What, do Asians come over here and they actually are dentists? Because I used to want to walk up to those people when the coronavirus wasn't a thing and I wanted to be like, can you clean my teeth? I wanted to walk up to those people and just go like this. And when they say, what are you doing?

And I say, well, what do you mean? What am I doing? We're obviously in a dentist's office and you're going to clean my teeth because of your mask on. I just want to flip. I want my brain to break. I'm so close to having my brain just and start doing that shit.

And I'm gonna, and I can't wait, dude. I think once I turn 50, it's on. I know we got a fucking, like I'm the youngest man alive at this point, but when we get to 50, and when I say we, because I mean all y'all motherfuckers

are coming with me, dude and when I say we, because I mean all y'all motherfuckers are coming with me, dude. When I say we, disposable ear loop face masks. Dude, the fact that it loops around the ear, it just makes me feel like we're dumb humans, you know? Like the fact that there were like, that some, like literally anybody was, like we have ears and they just, the fact, I've always thought this, that they scoop around the ears is just so dumb, you know? Like they're like, we'll just put it behind the ears. Classic. Anyway, like 3,000 people died from the coronavirus. And if you're one of them, well, you're not listening, so.

But a guy came up to me and goes like this, fist bumps. He goes to have the fist bump and he goes, Corona. Hey, guy, you don't have to explain why you're being a fucking jackass. Just be a jackass with me. Corona. Hey, guy. You don't have to explain why you're being a fucking jackass. Just be a jackass with me. Corona. Hey, man. Corona. Corona.

Hi, Corona. Nice to meet you. One time a guy introduced himself to me and he goes like this. Hey. I say, hey, I'm Chris. And he says seven are you a robot dude his name was seven i remember it was at the fucking diner in burbank what the hell is that place called his name was seven i said seven and he said yeah and

then i didn't do any jokes because he heard them all for sure that's you. Did you see the fucking KFC donut? The chicken with the donut? The KFC, KFC chicken donut. They're just putting them all together now. Donut sandwich, new fried chicken dish. Don't call it a dish, dude. You know? It's a fucking cancer sandwich. The new dish from kfc bro kentucky fried chicken and donut served hot

imagine eating imagine how much for real you gotta shit yourself imagine eating that sandwich and then also drinking a coffee and then just having it wow you're you would take a shit and your asshole would sound like colin firth and king speech it would just come out like dude your asshole would just be people from the other room outside of the bathroom would be like is he watching king speech Dude, your asshole would just be. People from the other room outside of the bathroom would be like, is he watching King's Speech? Dude.

Oh, I realized something, too, man. I was watching the McMillions documentary. Dude. You're not a dork if you just laugh so much. Yes, I figured it out, dude. All you got to do is laugh at everything always. And you're not a dork if you just laugh so much. Yes, I figured it out, dude. All you got to do is laugh at everything always, and you're not a dork, you're not corny, you're not anything but fucking awesome. I realized it.

The guy in the McMillions documentary is an FBI agent, and he is, his name's like Doug something, and he's so dorky, but he just laughs laughs at everything and it makes him so not dorky because he doesn't give a fuck look they're calling him a breakout star what millions break our star fbi agent doug matthews thinks of the mcdonald's fraud doc doug matthews dude is fucking he's an fbi dude he's a special agent's like, yeah, they were doing this one gig, where, you know,

we're trying to find this one thing out, and I didn't care, I don't know, it was boring, and so I saw this one thing, and he just goes, and then you're like, oh my God,

dude, wait, go, go back up, yeah, dude, bro, Doug Matthews, is the fucking shit,

when he laughs, he looks so British, when he laughs, he looks so British when he laughs. He looks like he's going to be like that. Dude, this guy... As soon as he gets on the... Go, go, go, go. As soon as he gets on the phone... This is it.

Describes his... I don't know. This is on a Houston website or some shit. Describe as lightning in a bottle Hernandez and whatever, wild character. They love everyone. As soon as he got on the phone, it was like, when can I come to Jacksonville and see you guys? Hernandez says, dude, he wasn't in, he wasn't an undercover agent. He was a regular FBI agent.

He was always trying to go undercover for like, he was always trying to go undercover for like things that you didn't need to go undercover for. They'd be like, hey, can you grab me a straw for my fucking thing and it'd be like sure let me get the glasses and you're like no it just we're at fucking starbucks and just draw for my mercano and they'd be like anyway yeah let me get my mustache and glasses i gotta go get some fucking sugar for your coffee no just do it it's fine if you're doug matthew finally, if you haven't seen Millions, which is really fucking a crazy documentary. I don't know. I don't think all of the episodes aired yet, but I've only seen like two or three. And they show it's about the McDonald's.

When they did Monopoly, there was like fraud and people were like selling tickets. And the FBI tried to find out who they – who these people were. And they took the next winner and they went undercover as a documentary team from McDonald's that was like filming his experience. And this guy goes like this. Doug – what is it? Matthews. He says, well, I'm going to go undercover and I I want to do the documentary crew, and I want to be the director. And the reason why I want to be the director is because directors, he says, because everybody knows directors don't do shit.

He's an FBI agent. Directors do, hey, Doug Matthews, directors do the whole thing. You know? So I loved him immediately, dude. God, he's funny. And anyway, so he would be a dork if he wasn't laughing. But because he's laughing and doesn't give a fuck about this shit, he truly is just the shit. So I figured it out, man.

I figured it out. So that's what I'm going to do from now on. When anybody makes fun of anything, what I wear, people make fun of what I wear. They're like, oh, you're too old, which is ridiculous, dude. I mean, bro, I'm old? Are you kidding me? I practically can't roll over yet. That's how young I am.

I'm so young young my poop is yellow bro i'm so i'm actually it's not even yellow it looks like the fucking labrea tar pits man because that's what comes out when you shit first ever like for the first few days because you still were eating the stuff from your mommy's placenta sensational sensational did you know that when babies come out and I know that because you know you know why I know that now because well my life's a little

different than it was last week wasn't it and it's because fucking babies shit out their mommy's placenta stuff and that's the scientific term of it. And when they do, it looks like the La Brea tar pits for a few days. And then their poop comes out yellow. Yellow, dude.

Yellow. It looks yellow. Like some shit that like fucking somebody would slip and fall in. And then a week later become a Marvel superhero. That's how it looks. It's baby shit, man. Oh no, here's baby shit, man. What happened to him?

He slipped and fell in some baby shit. You know how it's bright yellow? Oh yeah. And then that would be fucking in real life and then I would try to do it and I would just get pink eye. So anyway, ads. um so anyway ads whether it's the weekend the beginning of summer or the end of the school year

celebration cookies celebrate good times um very cool man but yeah dude doug drew math whatever the fuck his name is man thank god there's an fbi that just the agent that just does that kind of shit oh started over the fucking timer one fire we don't know how long we've been in a yes dude it's 25 minutes but he's making it up making it up dude it's 26 30 oh ivan gets rid of dude wow ivan gets rid of goes like this uh well actually it's uh 26 30 so not 25 25 would be way different that's a minute and a half different um all right whatever dude it's fine man it's all good but he recreated because what happens is here's a little bts on the fucking behind the scenes of congratulations podcast never mind it's not. But what is important now? I fucking just remembered BTS.

Is that a fucking Asian group? All right, dude. Hey, are they video games? I've got a question for you, BTS. Are you video games? The only reason why I ask that is because you look like people on Final Fantasy. You don't look like actual people. You look like when you move, it goes,

That's all. Did you see? Oh, my. I don't, and I know their fan base is voracious, and they fuck with you, and they're so angry at you if you make fun of them. And I just want you to know, plain and simple, and very clearly, I don't give a fuck.

You understand me? Do you feel me saying that? First of all, BTS, well, the first of all is they look like video games, period. They look like actual video game characters. They would be like, where they would be like, hello, would you like to talk to me? And you're just like, what? Would you like to talk to me about the village? I'm sure. Where can I find the disc?

Well, all I know is Jeremy's been talking about it for a long time. You might want to check with him. How many times has everyone in the group BTS said this? You might want to check with him. He was acting kind of strange i'm not sure but jeremy was acting kind of strange you might want to talk to the stork dude how many times on fucking bts how many members of bts are there how many times on fucking BTS how many members of BTS are there how many human members in South Park when the guy

goes human that's held so funny but goddamn their video games dude I how were their they already have plastic surgery right aren't they like 12 or Or are they like, have they

been around for a long time? Oh, this video episode on. Wow, they could dance though, huh? But that's because they're animated. Dude, there's this one video that this guy keeps i think it's brendan walsh um let me see yeah i think it's him it's so funny he's my favorite guy to follow on twitter malibu oh it's brendan walsh uh malibu brendan and he keeps tweeting the bts he calls the bts salami biting fake out and first of all it was on fallon tonight i guess where one of the guys that he looks like a video game dude where he goes he pretends to bite a huge piece of salami and then doesn't and like gives the camera wide eyes like he faked him out and malibu brendan brendan which is brendan wall she's a comedian he's hilarious

and then he writes forget about the coronavirus watching bts boy prank bite a salami is infectious have a salami i have salami fever and he's done like 40 of these knock knock who's there i'm gonna bite the salami i'm gonna bite the salami who JK I'm not gonna bite the salami lol I thought you were gonna bite it I know I tricked you BTS salami biting fake out you got to look at these they're really funny but the one that made me laugh so hard is probably the first one he does not bite that salami in this video but if any salamis get bitten in the future he will be the prime suspect dude he writes and that's number 25 and he writes one-fourth

of the way to 100 tweets about this bts salami biting fake out Jeff dude I think he's the funniest guy on Twitter it might it might be Rob Delaney I mean that guy's been killed for a long time but fucking shit man like the fact that he's going so hard in the paint from this fucking thing the guy from BTS I hope he's seen it he's. Oh fuck. I mean he looks like a video game. Look at here. Here's another one. If you watch closely. It looks like he's definitely about to bite that salami.

But at the last minute. He stops and moves his salami away from his face. The question is. Was this planned in advance. Or was it done spontaneously. What. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. what oh fuck oh fuck the one that i laughed so hard at was the one i think i retweeted it oh man how do i get to my own twitter sadad um

i wrote i wrote this is the funniest goddamn tweet I've read in five years. Oh, this one was my favorite one, for sure. The number seven. The director is like, the director is like, salami biting scene, take one, action. Wait, cut, cut, cut. Don't bite that salami. And the dude is like, as you wish. Dude.

Oh, fuck. The as you wish really put me over the top, man. What? I don't. I legit. When I first saw this, this is how I learned who BTS was, by the way. I thought, I legit thought that this was a video game. Why are they being video games i want to be a video game you might want to talk to the stork

they need to make a fucking song called you might want to talk to the stork let's listen let's watch a fucking YouTube video of them. But I can't, but I will though. But I don't want to get demonetized, but I will though for a little bit. What? BTS. BTS.

You might want to talk to the stork. Here we go. I'm just gonna play wow suck game show uh that's a fucking song or a theme song? Hey, here we are. Welcome back to You Might Want to Talk to the Stork. We've got a stork here. Will he get the chance to talk to the stork? Will he get the chance to talk?

Tom, here's a question. Are these people video games? I would say yes. Let's check with a stork. Brock, yep, they're video games um i uh i would say yes oh let's check with a stork brock yep they're video games you might want to talk to the stork with your fucking host obviously nick cannon with your fucking host um wow dude that's so annoying oh god they're so annoying those fucking automatic things when you when you when you call someone i'm trying to help just have a fucking person until you until it's indistinguishable

hmm i didn't quite get that hmm i didn't quite hmm i didn't quite get that. Hmm. I didn't quite, hmm. I didn't quite understand you. Hmm. Hey, there is no fucking reason for a robot to go, hmm. We all know we're talking to a robot. So just get right to the goddamn sentence. Hmm. I didn't quite get that. Why is the robot stuttering? Why did you program the robot to stutter? Hmm. I didn't quite get that. You might want to talk to the stork. All I know is the stork was acting strange.

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Mark Block here. Mark Block here. Mark Block here. My tattoo itches? Yes! Anyway, dude. Wow. Brian Callen called me. Joe Coy called me.

Name dropping, man. Name dropping city, dude. Oh, name dropping city dude oh name dropping city um anyway uh yeah bts looks like video games and they know it that mcdonald's doc you got to see it dude that guy is just awesome i gotta i don't remember who I was talking to this was recently this was this week I'm like they were saying something like yeah oh that I'm not gonna say who it was because he's a buddy of mine

and I love him but he's like dude got a place out in fucking uh the desert and I was like hey what and he said yeah i bought a home out in the desert it's not even barely a home it's like a fucking little can that like i just decorated i said yeah and he said yup anytime you want to go and in my head i went whoa whoa whoa let me stop you right there i'm chris delia did you think maybe you were talking to someone else

did you for a second think i was the fisher king so he said yeah you know and i'm just gonna go out there sometimes just to unplug let me ask you a question, man. This is the thing. And it's been around for a long time, ever since we like invented a microwave. Why do people need to fucking unplug? I truly think if you're someone who values unplugging, you're like a drama queen, drama king, not level-headed insane person he said it he said it why do you need to unplug dude what's up dude what's going on with that? You plugged in? Is that what it is? You plugged

in too much? When people are like, God, you know what? I'm so glad I left my phone at home. It felt great just walking around unplugging. It felt great just being out camping in the middle of nowhere next to a creek. I just had to unplug even for a few days and now i feel recharged dude you know what recharges you a salad a burger you don't have to fucking sleep on twigs to unplug that's a fucking new i guess western fucking philosophy thing where it's like we have it so goddamn good that you just can't have it good you're you're fucking guilt you we have it so good we invented walls we invented microwaves there's a toaster out there dude you could put your bread that we manufactured by the way in a toaster and turn it into hot bread.

That's better. And because we've got it that good, you think you got to unplug and be away from the toaster so you can recharge and be a stress-free better person? Well, let me tell you something, guy who does that. You're just terrible at base at base you're terrible you don't need to unplug you can go on vacation fine experience another thing cool go to hawaii go to fucking bali lay in a hut but sleep in a bedroom man you know why because we made bedrooms and it took us so many fucking centuries and and and thousands and thousands millennia what do you call a millennia millennia's millenniums whatever the fuck that goddamn word is that part millennia you know we've fucking spent thousands and thousands of years coming up with these impossible thread

thread counts man and you're gonna go lay on a fucking rock you just don't get how to be man i get our millennia that's what it is and i get how our eyes are adjusting because now we're looking at fucking close screens all the time and our eyesights are worse than it was but dude adapt like the fucking tadpole man you're not a tadpole you're a frog and that's a beautiful thing you think the frog is ever like oh man i hate these legs no they're just jumping from lily pad to lily pad going ribbit enjoying their frog sense enjoy your human shit man fuck unplugging i don't trust anybody who unplugs plug in i'm plugged in all the time dude you know where my phone is ever here. You know, wherever my phone is, you know what? I've never lost my phone. I lost my phone one time. It was in like 2008

and I'll never lose it again because I've been plugged in since then. I fucking left the diner at the goddamn standard hotel downtown. And I left and I walked back and it wasn't there. And that was one of my favorite phones. It was one of those ones that fucking slides out like that. And it looked like you were in the matrix but whatever man i've been plugged in ever since and some fucking jackass was talking to me for some reason so long no man i was no way it wasn't 2008 that was like iphone shit it was like 2002 anyway it doesn't matter. When did the cell phone start? Yeah, it was like 2003. In August 2019, in August 1999, everybody got a cell phone. I left. I went to Vancouver to shoot a movie, came back.

Everyone had a cell phone and everyone was playing Snake. Yeah, dude, you can't trust these people who say they unplug you just can't you can't trust them with like secrets bro you're gonna go unplug and change that's the thing man you've become who you are and anytime you shift that like one time i was going out with this chick and she's like hey i bought a chick i bought a um an airplane ticket to paris i'm just gonna go for two weeks and i was like what when she was like in a month. And I was like, you didn't fucking like tell me before. She's like, I just knew if I didn't buy it, I wasn't, I wasn't going to go. And I was like, we've been together for like two years. You're just gonna buy a ticket to Paris and just go. Sure enough. She went there.

She came back. She broke up with me. Holy fucking shit, dude. We love, we love predictable people, man. We love predictable people. And I knew it was going to happen, and it happened. If you let your girlfriend go somewhere for two weeks out of country, you might as well break up with her. For real. Same goes for guys. Girl, if you let your dude just fucking take a trip for two weeks,

guess what? See you later. You might as well move out right there yeah when my son grows up that's what I'm going to tell him no no no no dude your girlfriend went away for two weeks

find a new girl he's going to be like but yeah no no but honestly that's how it's going to be. They leave and they fucking find out some more shit about life. And then they fuck, they, they're going to be like, I think we grew apart. That's the other thing too. Don't grow apart with people, bro.

If you're fucking, I don't know. Whatever. What am I even talking about at this point? It does. You know what? We could sum it up like this. Sensational. Wow. That's quick. I like it slower, better. Sensational. Fuck. about at this point it does you know what we could sum it up like this sensational wow that's quick i like it slower better sensational fuck yeah dude

um anyway what else was i wanted to talk about i don't even remember should i do the last ad that we had a fucking another ad today because of BIAGS. Remember when fucking Dub C went, B-I-H? When Dub C from the West Coast Connection went, B-I-H? I thought, well, okay. I love Dub C. He's one of my favorite rappers west side can he get when he goes west side can i gang can i gang bing bing bang and then goes west side in the back oh west side can i gang bing bing bang hey you're 40 you know West Sea of

Fillionia just say it just say West Side for Life N-Word West Sea of Fillionia

you're 40 dude I love it West Sea of Fillionia doesn't rhyme made it rhyme sebastardizing rap um um it is actually crazy how big podcasting has become when i did it when i started it my when i invented podcast three years ago and a few days and a few days when i invented the fucking world of podcast a few days ago dude there's a guy out there who's a really successful comedian and he thinks he invented

podcasting and he didn't and it makes me fucking laugh so hard and i want to tell you who it is but i won't because i'm good purse anyway dude he fucking uh yeah but when i invented podcasting three three years ago it was big and i got on the fucking bag strain but dude i didn't realize that uh it was going to be this big man like those guys like rogan and whoever else is really big. It's just like Jesus Christ. Talk about bags. I hope this live podcast puts us over the top, bro. We're like, we chart all the time every week.

We need more people to listen to this podcast, man. Hey, everybody, get your friend to listen to the podcast. Do the duty, man. Is this a cult or not, man? I mean, we're growing, but it's a cult. Remember, it's a cult. And cults' main objective is to spread the word. Cults like Catholicism and Mormonism, those straight-up cults, they grow because they are cults. cults. They grow because they are

cults. We're not a cult where we're all going to commit suicide, though. Those are bullshit fucking cults. We're a cult that's just going to share ideas and you know fucking suck in a log cabin

near tall grass. And we're going to share ideas, but mostly we're going to fucking suck. And we're going to share ideas, but mostly we're going to fucking suck. And we're going to eat anything we want. That's my fave. We talked about people who need to unplug. We talked about KFC donut chicken. We talked about the BTS video game people. We talked about the fucking guy drew whatever in the McDonald's documentary.

We talked about the coronavirus what else is there to talk about honestly nothing but do we stop talking no why because this is the congratulations podcast and we don't stop just because we're done fucking talking about the hot issues we talk about the even hotter issues like when fucking dan lied about how it rained and said he was going to try and pass it off as that counts for it being fucking cold tonight. No. Don't. If you have kids, look, I'm not going to let my kid grow up and be that kind of person.

Alright. I'm not going to let my kid fucking grow up and be that kind of person. Something happened with the kid and I want to fucking tell you what happened. I can't remember what the hell it is, but it was funny as shit, dude. He fucking rolled over. That's what it was my boy rolled over it's two weeks in and he rolled the fuck over do you know when babies roll over four or five months in dude i have a bionic kid that kid came out of the womb and just went, hello, dad.

Hello, daddy. Hello, father. Oh, hey, how are you? We were going to name you. No. My name is Cage. Did you just name yourself, son? Yes. My name is Cage.

Where is coffee bean? Here's milk No, daddy No, no, no, give him milk Crunches it up I don't drink this This is for babies Where is coffee bean?

What? Walk through walls. Outline of a baby. Walks over to fucking coffee bean. Hello. Oh, hey, looking a little young for I want coffee. Okay. What would you like? Three shots of espresso. I don't drink iced Americanos like my daddy. Because that's for pussies. Did you know water is added to extra shots for an Americano? I just want the shots. That'll be $2.49 Baby leans in

I don't have money yet Uh Okay I'm sorry baby It'll be around the corner This is a beautiful place Now I know why Daddy hangs out here.

Cage, here's your ice. Here's your three shots of rice. Thank you. Drinks it that fast and then goes like this. And then goes. And then goes. I am. Then he goes. I am. Then he goes, I am coffee.

I will visit daddy and mommy back in the hospital. I will visit daddy and mommy back in the hospital. Makes new holes next to the old holes in the fucking walls. Even though there's already holes, he wants to make his own new holes because he's such a fucking badass baby and a bionic baby. And then he tries to get back in his mommy's pussy. No, no, no, you can't do that. I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're going to hurt her. You're going to hurt her. Oh, I am sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're going to hurt her. You're going to hurt her. Oh, I am sorry. Cage, please. I am not Cage anymore. I am coffee. Wow, that's my dream kid. For real.

And he grows up and listens to fucking BTS. No dents, daddy. No dents daddy no dents remember life rips um oh this is a good one dude tweets you guys are finally getting what the bitch is after I posted that fucking MacGyver

clip man thank you very much and that's how we get the cult knowledgeable se bitch Casey underscore amerson chris chrisley how how's the bitch is it it by the way you don't have to say how's the bitch is it you say how bitch is it you say how bitch is it and something is a bitch how bitch is it to try and start a wave at a sporting event but it doesn't catch on that's super bitch dude that's super bitch because you're like kind of doing it and it doesn't work but you're like oh okay and you stand up maybe not the whole way and then you look around looking around is the most of it shit checking anything do what you do and don't look back be like that guy who fucking walked

in that that movie um well whatever that movie well it happens in every movie but there's one movie specifically where george clooney is walking away from a car and a car bomb goes off and he just keeps walking it's not Sicario but it's fucking something like that it's called something like that I mean it was like fucking 10 years ago

what was it called? Tyranny or some shit? that was a George Clooney movie George George Clooney farted don't give a fuck that's how we do it and i don't look back don't look back in anger isn't that that song

uh he says i guess you know so not even invested in this podcast anymore i'm on fire all right here it is um god it's so weird the shit that they put on imdb now like they've literally put everything on IMDb now Like they have the Joe Rogan podcast and shit But now fucking it goes like this Like they have Nespresso In the name of pleasure video short George Clooney okay

That's just a commercial for Nespresso you don't need to put that on there Here we go It's after ER it was what was it It was after Nespresso cab driver No before It was after this nespresso the swap well i mean what the fuck is this a trilogy about nespresso what the fuck is this bullshit after up in the air he did this he did a nespresso trilogy dude how much money does george clooney have i mean goddamn he's got the tequila that's worth fucking $8 billion. And then also he's the head of Nespresso?

The face of Nespresso? Jesus Christ. Siriana, that's what it was. Dude, I want to do a movie. George Clooney was in a movie called Michael Clayton where he played Michael Clayton. I want to do a movie so bad where it's a drama where the movie title is the guy's name. That's so dope. Wow, man. Georgeorge clooney you know you ever see george clooney in like out of sight that guy's so handsome i'm handsome too

dude i'll do the charity yes i'll do the charity fucking brian callen jesus christ he makes up charities and then asks me to do them and it takes all the money probably um so it's been uh how bitch is it to pole vault nah I don't know man those are athletes maybe if they fall I don't know it depends it always all it also all depends on how bitch how bitch it is you are

when you do it this guy got it right how bitch is it to pole vault um so I just fucking do what I want to do whenever I want to do it man that's how you gotta live your life I'm pretty much done here but I'm glad we kept going when we were out of ideas because that's when we started talking about the fucking other shit me me having a son and having him be a fucking bionic son, he rolled over bro, two weeks in he just was like, nah, not my front, darn, wow, wow, you see this video, pole vault fails, this guy's dick fucking rubs up against a

pole vault, wow dude, top 10 pole vault fails. That must happen a lot when you try to pole vault it and then jump over the rod and then your dick just fucking sort of flops on it like it's trying to take a nap real quick. Look at this. So fucking fast, these guys. Oh, man, this guy broke the pole vault. The pole. How do you not break the pole, by the way? How does the pole break at all?

Wow. That shit snapped, bro. Wow, it snapped in two places. Oh, wow, his feet went over his fucking head. Wow, you can get your, like, that can go through your heart. Let's see another one. All right, you know, how many angles? Oof.

What was that taken on a fucking goddamn what happened oh it hit his nuts don't what are you running with a pole for anyway this is fucking these old dude the olympics are so even the olympics are weird as fuck because people you don't think would like the olympics would be like oh no bro i have so much respect for people who do the olympics well like what is this shit this is something that should be around in 1820 these are two poles you know we have bluetooth now the fuck is going on shot put how far can you throw a heavy ball are you fucking kidding me there's like baseball was invented a hundred years ago and we're still doing this shit.

The Olympics. Bro, they're countries, man. There's billions of people and we're throwing a ball seven feet. What else is there? We're wrapping it up. All right, we're done. Thank you guys for listening. Remember, no dunce. And also the Life Rips hoodie is out look at that dude look at that beautiful fucking color um text me at

818-239-7087 and remember on friday the uh the live the live congratulations podcast thing goes up it's april 29th april 29th is when it comes, but it goes up for sale on Friday. So get your tickets. It'll sell out quickly. And come see me in West Palm Beach. Come see me in Atlantic City. Go to chrysalia.com for all these tickets, by the way. And go get that Life Riffs hoodie.

Oh, and if you do have merch, wear it in the live congratulations podcast. And remember to wear the Chrysalia merch. Wear the Chrysalia merch, and most importantly, at other people's shows. I saw somebody wear it at Burt Chrysler's show. I saw somebody wear it at Bobby Lee's show. That's all very important to this call. Spread the word. Okay?

Thank you very much. And remember, you guys, you're all very, very special. Thank you. Congratulations!