Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 163. Big Selly

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

Today we announce Chris's new Netflix special "No Pain"! April 14th, set your reminders on Netflix now. Today Chris talks about how he feels about his different specials, Coronavirus, Trump, Biden, LL Cool J, Hulk Hogan, and his own sexy hands. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. It's episode 163 of Congratulations. Oh, yeah, dude. What the fuck sounds better than that sometimes? And I don't even drink beer. But sometimes when I do it, I don't drink soda.

But when I'm drinking the LaCroix or one of these fucking Nitro Caveman coffees, I crack it open, you know? And you drink it. But, dude, I crack it open. Fucking nothing's better than cracking open a cut. Nothing's better than cracking open a nice cold one, whether it be beer or a soda or nitro or cold brew or fucking, what do you call it? LaCroix, cracking it open. You ever fucking crack open one in summer?

Don't say that, just so you know. And here we go, babies. It's episode one something. 160 something. 163. And I held having the podcast Wednesday. A lot of you guys being, what the fuck, dude? A lot of you guys being annoying as shit.

When you know your boy drops podcasts Monday, if not Monday, Tuesday, and if not Wednesday. After Wednesday, you got problem. But on the very rare occasion, I'll drop a podcast on a Wednesday. But that doesn't stop people from being annoying as shit on the Internet saying, hey, where's the pod? Now, I get rip roaring mad. Now, I get I get blood red mad. OK, but here we are Monday. I won't.

I won't. Some dude DM me. Hey, man, maybe I missed something. But this is the Monday. I won't, I won't. Some dude DM me. Hey man, maybe I missed something, but this is the first podcast you didn't do. This is the first week you didn't do. Nope. Doing it. Got it right here, dude. And I'm, and I held it because I wanted to release it on Wednesday because Wednesday

was the day I could do my big announcement. And if you didn't remember, that's what I said last week. If you didn't remember, yay, but that's what I fucking said, dude. That's what I said last week. If you didn't remember, yay! But that's what I fucking said, dude. And the big announcement this week, Wednesday, my babies, my special drops on Netflix, April 14th. No pain.

That's the title. No pain. Netflix, April 14th. Your boy's got another special. That's the title. No pain. Netflix, April 14th. Your boy's got another special. Here it comes.

Get it in your queue. What you can do is you can go on. You know what? The fucking if you're a true baby, if you're a real fucking down fucking and sucking baby. You know, go to Netflix right now. You go to Netflix. You pull it up on your app. You go to search. you type in no pain. That's the first thing that comes up.

Crystalia, no pain. Click on that and then you go remind me. Right? There we go. Just clicked on it. Turned into a checkmark. Go do that now. And watch it on April 14th.

Now I'm going to do, on april 14th now i'm gonna do what is april 14th is that a i don't know what day that is but i'm gonna i want you guys all to watch it that day it's gonna come out you know and we're all gonna you know i can tweet i'm gonna go crazy on twitter babies i'm gonna fucking tweet you back that day and uh it's a tuesday so i'll drop the fucking podcast on that day maybe man i'll drop the podcast the day before. I'll remind you that the shit's coming. But no pain. April 14th, Netflix.

And I will say I've seen it. I did it. I was there when I shot it, obviously. It was me. It's the best special I've done. It's the best taping i've had um i did white male black comic in on uh in um for comedy central to me that always has a special place in my heart that was my first one all the decks the deck was stacked i had the i was this

young gun coming up i was ready to do a special i had this fucking idea where i know what's funny i got this this is what's funny to me and i fucking i felt really good about it that was a great special i think for me i'm not saying whether or not it was great but i'm saying for me was a great special i'm not trying to toot my own horn but for me i had for me it was it was great i felt great about it it came out great I loved it I hired my dad to direct it kept it in the fam it was awesome I was so Italian about it I kept it in the family dude I should have called the fucking special spaghetti and meatballs but instead I decided to go with white male black comic it was so. I kept it in the family. My mom came out.

My mom came out and sat in the audience. I kept it in the family. It's like my last name was fucking Don Zolio or some shit. But it's still Italian. But anyway, should have called it spaghetti and meatballs, but I didn't. And then I did a second special, Incorrigible. That was my first Netflix special. Now, I like this special, but to me, it was all the stuff that I still thought was funny that I didn't put on white male black comic. So to me, white male black comic was like the banging shit.

And then incorrigible was the stuff that was like the odds and ends. It was like the B side of white male black comic. And I also think that the best stuff in Incorrigible was at the end. And that was by design because as a comic, you put your good shit at the end at the closer. The landscape has changed since then because that special was about an hour and 20 minutes. Now that's too long for a special.

I didn't think about that back then because that was like the 20th Netflix special that they ever made. And I realized that people were watching the shorter shit because they don't want to fucking invest their time watching. The best stuff in Incorrigible is at the end and I know that a lot of people checked out of it because the beginning of it,

people always reference the beginning of it and that's not the good shit and I get all bummed because I'm like, ah, fuck, you didn't watch it. People are watching 30 minutes of the special. I know that. So Incorrigible is fine. I liked it.

Man on Fire to me, oh, and by the way, Incorrigible, the tap I liked it. Man on Fire to me. Oh, and by the way, Incorrigible, the taping went great. Okay? Man on Fire to me was top loaded. I put the banging shit up front because I knew now that there was this way

that Netflix and the streaming services were doing in it that you were watching the first part to check it out. So I put the banging shit up front. The first 25 minutes, dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it. Okay? And then I end it with a nice sweet story that, you know, to me was very,

for me, it meant a lot in my life at that time. Man on Fire was my best material for sure, to me, hands down. Now, there were technical difficulties shooting the special. The mic cut out. I had to redo some stuff. The audience was – it sounds good in the special, but the audience was okay. So I was really trying to bring it but not too hard for the audience because you never want to bring it too hard for the level of the audience.

You want to some – you want to kind of meet the audience because you never want to bring it too hard for the level of the audience you want to some you want to kind of meet the audience halfway like sometimes the energy comes in and it's not popping and it's not on and popping and you got to make it on and popping but you can't go in with this on and popping energy right off the bat if the energy if the if the audience is not there so you got to take it you got to meet the audience you got to go like this hello audience shake hands with who the audience is come on into my study let's read a little bit about what's going on and then let's go into the kitchen oh the food's good though isn't it yeah well why don't you come into the fucking and sucking room oh you didn't know we had that but now it's on and popping you got to start with the foyer and then you got to take them in to the study you got to show them your book collection

oh very nice okay cool this is the audience oh okay very cool oh i. I've read that before. You take them into the kitchen. You give them a little bit of hors d'oeuvres. They're like, wow, this is very tasty. Wow. Okay. Very cool. That's cool. You show me your study. And wow, the foyer was impressive. It was impressive. Now, all of a sudden, here's the fucking and sucking room. That's what you're always trying to get to in a special is the fucking and sucking room. But the audience is not always there for fucking and sucking. You got to convince them. Oh, you're here for the fucking and sucking room. But the audience is not always there for fucking and sucking. You got to convince them. Oh, you're here for the fucking and sucking, aren't you? Sometimes there's 50-year-old Mormons in your audience.

Oh, I don't know about that. Well, let me convince you about the fucking and sucking room. Okay? So what happens is the whole time I'm on fire, I was trying to convince this audience to come with me to the fucking and sucking room. And a lot of people were on board. But some of them were just there for a jolly good time, whatever. That's fine, dude. They wanted to hang out in the foyer and mingle and have an hors d'oeuvre. And that's fine too, because you could have a good time eating hors d'oeuvres,

but that's like that conversational shit. That's like that shit was like, oh, wow, last night was really fun, but was it fun? Or did you really just kick it and learn some stuff? Did you really just have great conversation? Were you like an adult now you know me that's not my vibe i don't sit there and act like an adult not all night long i'm down for fucking and sucking so i'm gonna be in the fucking and second room you guys hang out with the hors d'oeuvres that's what it was like for man on fire but it was my best material and you can't tell when you're watching the special so that's that so white

male black comic up until no pain white belt let me say i'm leaving no pain out of this white my black comic best special all the fucking cards fell where they may all the the deck was stacked i should say the stars fell and aligned okay incorrigible great taping but the odds and ends of black well black male white comic the stuff i left out so then i was like okay men on fire best best material however audience they were an hors d'oeuvre audience some of them were there for fucking and sucking but your boy wasn't going to drag them. So we had a nice conversation. No pain. I decided I'm going to go for broke. Best material. To me, best material I've done. Now, this is the whole deal. You get, you fucking, you grow. For me, best material, the audience, bro, the audience, it was like they just came in shorts.

They were down for sucking and fucking right away. The audience, the first audience I shot, great. Walked off the stage. My agent goes like this. Well, we don't even need to do the second taping. The second taping, first five minutes in, I was like, oh man, this is the taping. We don't even need that first audience.

So the first audience came from fucking and sucking. The second audience came. I mean, you know, whatever's on top of higher than fucking and sucking. But my point is the material, the audience. And guess what,

dude, I fired my fucking dad from shooting it. I fired him. He's my dad. dad from shooting it. I fired him. He's my dad and I fired him. I fired him. I took him. I hired him on the first episode, thanking him for my whole childhood. Congratulations.

You're welcome. I've given you a job. Sure, I only gave you $7,000 to do it. But this makes up for everything you've done. The second one, as if that wasn't enough, hired him again for $7,000. Now that's $14,000 I've given my dad. Now I haven't given it to him, but Netflix did. Now, whatever you're welcome. The third special, Hey dad, here's another $7,000. You're welcome times three. And then your boy wanted to make a change. So what he was i i looked at my dad i said hey dad you're fired and then he said what and i said hey matt you want to do my next special and my dad

said this the best firing ever and my brother came through and fucking took a gatling gun and just it was great dude the best dude and it looks the shit. It looks so good. This is the best special I've ever done and if you don't think so, what am I going to do, dude? What am I going to fucking do? This shit is no pain. What am I going to do? It's basically what I did on the Follow the Leader

tour. I didn't want to call it Follow the Leader because your boy doesn't usually call specials the tour names. But it's called No Pain. Man, this shit is cool. The background is purple. What? The background, it's purple. First one was blue.

Second one. First one was. First one was. First one was an industrial vibe blue. Second one was rock star blue. Third one was red. And then your boy goes purple. Oh, what is he, Prince?

Anyway, dude, I can't wait for this fucking thing to come out and just for it. Just that's it. Every special I do, I'm like, all right, maybe maybe that's it. Now, what am I going to do? And I all right maybe i'll maybe that's it now what am i gonna do and i don't think i'll be able to do it again some of the shit i do is funny some of it's not you know whatever deal with it fucking deal with it that fucking that sunglasses mean where the fucking sunglasses come down on your eyes and it goes deal with it that's me bro fucking look at this meme the one with morpheus what if i told you deal with it trying to put a fucking square peg into a run hall um anyway dude i can't wait for this thing

to come out put it in your queue go right now do it on your phone put it on your list you watch that shit the day it drops like a true baby anyway dude i'm being honestly annoying as fuck right now but this is it this is what i did and i'm sorry but i'm not dude everybody's two people that's why i love this that's why i love tupac man everybody's two people that's why i love tupac because he would make a song called brenda's got a baby and then he would make a song called wonder why they call you bitch and people would be like what the fuck how could you do that that's hypocritical and he would be like everybody's two people and i would be like we be me you know what i mean everyone is kind of two people right because sometimes you want to do fucking and sucking but also sometimes you want to raise children you can't do both

of those at the same time i mean you can with one person and then raise children anyway anyway dude we're having a good time dude we're having a really good time we're having a really good time because I told you we are I can't wait for it to come out

that's a whole commercial dude watch my special called No Pain on Netflix and it just sometimes all the stars align and you get a good taping. That's what it is. But sometimes they don't. Most of the time they don't. I mean, I did the Comedians of the World.

That audience was fucking, man, it was like they were just eating breakfast. Yeah. Bro. I want to do a special with no audience one of these days and just talk, man. That's kind of what this is, honestly, this podcast. But anyway, look it up. Add it to your queue. We've got other shit going on, though, in this world.

How about the coronavirus? Everybody dying? Dude, we're over 120,000 people contracted the coronavirus, the fucking virus de corona. And how many people died? Lots. And it's fucked. And I wasn't worried about it. And now guess what, dude, your boy's a little worried about it, but it's all good. You know, the thing is it doesn't affect kids that much. Thank God. Thank God. Huh? Only elderly. So we have to fucking, you know, I can't give it, if I do get, I can't give it to my dad or Brian Callen. But I do feel like a lot of people are going to get it. And I feel like it's going to be bad. You know, I'm very young. So I think that it'll be okay. I'm not even 40 yet. I think I'll be okay if I ever get it. I'm not even 40 yet.

I think I'll be okay if I ever get it. But even though it doesn't affect newborns, I don't want to give it to my kid. I don't want to give it to, you know, I don't want to give it to these people. I don't want to give it. I need to get one of those masks. I have a mask. But they say you can't touch your fucking face. Yeah, as fucking I can get rid of is literally just rubbing his face. But you can't touch your face because you get that coronavirus on your hand and then you rub

your eyeball and then that coronavirus goes in your eyeball and then all of a sudden it's in your system. You can't get it out. You can't suck it out like a snake bite. So I just think the coronavirus is a... Oh, man. Did they really get it from that food market?

Is that what it's from? People saying it's man-made and shit I don't believe in the whole fucking Population control shit man Oh yeah they made it to control the population I can't believe someone's actually that evil Just for no reason I mean not for no reason I understand

But like the population's getting out of control, but like somebody was saying they created it in North Carolina and then they flew to China to fucking, I don't know. You know, who knows? I just can't get on board with all these conspiracies. Like we don't know what's going on anyway, so stop trying to figure it out. Like there's no fucking way.

There's no fucking way we know. People are out like no this is what really happened but what happened was oh yeah they created it to how do you know dude that could that could be the information that they're hiding from you or it could be the information that they're giving to you look the information that they're giving you could be a front it could also be the real shit it could also be the thing that they think that they're you're gonna think is the the information that they're giving you could be a front. It could also be the real shit. It could also be the thing that they think that you're going to think is the front. So you're going to get

the other shit. You're going to start to get the other shit. That could be fucking four steps ahead of you. My point is, this is what Trump said about it. Here we go.

This was my favorite. He's talking about the coronavirus. Trump on the coronavirus. I like this stuff. I really get it. He's talking about the coronavirus. Trump on the coronavirus. I like this stuff. I really get it. I understand it. Here we go. People are surprised that I understand it. Every one of these doctors said,

how do you know so much about this? Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president. But you know what? What they've done is very incredible. I understand that whole world. I love that world. I really do. I love that world.

And they should be given tremendous credit. What world is he talking about? Science? Trump loves science? Hey, Trump, since when? Dude. Eh, fucking. The whole world is relying on us.

I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it. Ah, David fucking Brent, dude. lying on us you know i really get it people are surprised that i understand uh david fucking brent dude david fucking brent people surprised about i know this stuff no they're not dude what scientist has ever gone like this wow trump i'm surprised how much you know about science i have a natural ability dude you can't have a natural ability about fucking science you know what you can have a natural ability about baseball dude it's science you just have to learn it this is hilarious i like this oh dude and for you fucking cucks that are going to be like don't make fun of trump you liberal motherfuckers shut

the fuck up there's a clip that went viral me talking about biden making fun of him can't stand this shit man i make fun of something and then another guy oh well it's because you're liberal no dude you don't get it it's crazy on both sides i really get it i really get it i like this stuff you like what everyone dying what do you what do you look at these fucking guys in the background just like standing all of them holding their hands people People are surprised that I understand. Every one of these doctors said, how do you know so much about this? Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I have a natural ability.

Talking about science is unbelievable, dude. Maybe I have a natural ability when it comes to science. Dude, imagine. Here's what I want you to do. Here's what I want you to do, babies, for real. If you're listening to this right now, I want you to pause the fucking shit. After I said, I want you to do i want here's what i want you to do babies for real if you're listening to this right now i want you to pause the fucking shit after i said i want you to pause it i want you to take a 10 second break listen to the podcast and i want you to out loud so i understand every one of these doctors said how do you know so much about this maybe i have a natural ability maybe i should have done that instead of running for president maybe i have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president. Maybe I have a natural ability. How do you know someone? Everyone is saying,

how do you know? So I want you to say, maybe I want you to say out loud. Everyone is saying, how do I know so much about this? Everyone is saying, how do you know so much about this? I want you to picture yourself in that situation and say, everyone is saying, how do I know so much about this? Everyone is saying, how do you know so much about this? Say that saying, how do you know so much about this? Say that. And how does that feel? How does it feel to say out loud, how do you know so much about this? Let me tell you how it should feel. Fucking embarrassing. Okay? professional stand-up comedian okay it's literally what i do day in day out i never pretty much i'm not thinking about being a comedian or trying to be funny or making jokes i've never ever said or thought how do i know so much about this i've never thought that about anything. So if you think that, you're a fucking asshole. If you say that, fuck my carcass.

Okay? You're a fucking out-to-lunch egomaniac lunatic. All right? That is just insane. That's the whole reason why The Office is a successful show, because it's funny when motherfuckers say shit like that and if you're saying that with no irony if you're not brian cowan peeling off in his tesla after that you are an insane egomaniac period i don't care what you

say about if you're pro-trump or or or or against trump if you think saying that is normal, it crates. Now, I have stuff to say about Biden after this, after, after these messages. We'll be right back. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you.

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Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card terms apply um yeah so everyone's asking yourself everyone's asking me how do you know so much about this about science you know like that's one thing like say it about fucking tacos everyone's asking me how do you know so much about tacos also who's everybody how many people's if you are saying dude everybody's saying yada like i saw a post the other day everyone's saying

not to worry about the coronavirus who who who's saying not who is saying at this point not to worry about the coronavirus i i don't see it some idiot on like some bullshit i don't know if it's facebook or what i don't really do facebook but everyone's saying don't worry about the coronavirus got question how because everyone's saying worry about it if you're saying everyone is saying it at least what at least a bare minimum 10 people have said it so you're telling me 10 people have told you trump boy how do you know so much about science these yes men are out of control maybe but it looks like biden's going to be the democratic nominee man he's taking it away from bernie sanders which by the way there's one sigh of

relief because i think bernie i don't know shit about politics and i don't even really talk about politics maybe in a perfect world bernie might be a good candidate but dude if he won it would just be pandemonium talk about the fucking coronavirus that'd be the least of our the right and the left would be so at or but biden at least i know some republicans that voted for trump would be like all right i'll go with biden now the problem with biden what is he ever talking about? The problem with Biden, what is he ever talking about? The thing about Biden is he's got fucking. You're not old to me until somebody says here's the test for an old person. If a gun went off wherever you are.

OK, this is the proper reaction. Imagine Biden doing that. There's no way. That's the old guy test. If a gun goes off and you don't go, you're an old guy. This is what an old guy would do if a gun went off. And this is what very much Biden would do. Wow. This is actually so true. You have to watch the podcast to get this one. This is what Biden would do.

Fuck. It's about 28 minutes in if you're listening, if you're watching. This is what Biden would do if a gun went off. Wow. This is what Biden would do. That's what an old guy does if a gun goes off. That means you're too old. That's the fucking test.

If you go, you're good. Here's my vote. You're not too old. But if you're too old, this is how you reacted to a gunshot. That's what. Hey, Biden. Yeah. You're too old, dude.

Who said it? Hey, who's there who's there you act like the lights are out for three seconds oh yeah yeah whoa you saw when biden talked to his fuck said he was fucking his sister or whatever the hell it was yeah my sister my my wife my beautiful wife of fucking 95 years and he brings her in oh that's my sister okay this is how i go at the ballot this is how i go at the ballot when he does that oh wait this is how i go well i go well i well i don't want i go here we go biden and biden big but here we go i fuck my my sister. Oh, wait, what? You're doing what? Bro, that shit killed me.

I think Biden could be a dope president 10 years ago. The fucking shit, man. That the whole thing's, these are our options. These are our options these are our options in 2020 literally everybody's dying and we're picking between airplane food and hospital food i swear to god i'd rather vote for fucking i don't know. I still think Joe Rogan should run. I just...

Dude. I don't know, man. I don't know who I'm... I don't know who's going to get it. But the whole thing's insane. What I don't understand that Trump is doing is I don't understand why he's not acting. I guess there's the whole thing where he's acting like the coronavirus isn't a big deal because he wants the economy to be okay and intact. But I feel like he's so fear-based like that he, I'm surprised he's not saying like, you guys need me to take care of this coronavirus.

Otherwise, we're fucking all dead. I'm surprised he's not saying like, you guys need me to take care of this coronavirus. Otherwise, we're fucking all dead. I'm surprised he's not doing that. But I guess he needs to because the economy needs to be intact if he's going to win. Because that's really what he's running on because the economy is, well, it was good. Now it's bad because China fucking ruined everything no no no it's all good it's just how china people in china eat live rats it's all good no but i'm i mean not trying to be now i mean obviously i'm not being i'm not making a blanket statement. I'm not being racist. But I saw a video where a guy in China picks up a live rat with a chopstick and puts it in his mouth and chews it and swallows it. Anyway, no, no, no.

But it's all good. But I'm obviously not racist. Everyone obviously deserves a fucking full, beautiful life. Bat soup. So, yeah, they have bat soup in China. They have bat soup. They don't take their hair out. There's fangs in it.

It's all good. So, um, anyway, uh... Ha ha ha. Gray rats. Um, so... You know, just stop eating bats, huh? Am I ignorant? I don't know. For fuck's sake, dude.

They didn't respond. They responded too late. Apparently there was like a two week window in the Spanish flu Where they were like nah it's all good And then in two weeks fucking hundreds of millions of people died And then they had to stop interstate travel And that's what finally cured it But now we have planes and trains and all the fucking shit

So we're fucked all good I'm at the comedy store Using hand sanitizer like it's fucking cocaine There's like you can't even buy it. Got a guy opening his jacket. Being like, you want baby wipes? This was the fucking thing that killed me the other day. God, this was funny.

Look at these cucks. Everyone's crazy crazy by the way the right and the left where is the fucking thing here here we go ken buck congressman ken buck i have just one message for joe biden and beta o'rourke if you want to take everyone's ar 15s why do you swing by why don't you swing by my office in Washington, D.C., and start with this one? And then he puts this video actually on the Internet. Now, this whole thing is very bitch, okay?

First of all, it's a video of him with a red tie course, and he's standing in front of a wall with a fucking map of the world on it to his left course, and two pictures of him. One of him seems like a fucking congress of the world on it. To his left. Of course. And two pictures of him. One of him. Seems like a fucking congressman headshot. And then another one is him. Meeting somebody probably like Clint Eastwood or something.

Of course. And then the wall is beige. Of course. Of course. And then on top of those two pictures. There's a fucking AR-15. That has 40 American flags painted on it. Okay.

It has 40 American flags painted on it. K! It has 40 American flags painted on it. La! Hey, dude, we get it. Ya American. And he, the guy looks like a child molester. Fine, that's cool, whatever. But Congressman Ken Buck posted this fucking, he posted this.

This wasn't a leaked video. This isn't a Kinst and peel sketch. Check it out. Check this video out. I have a message for Joe Biden. Eh, seh, echoey. Okay. Hey, guy, get a lav mic.

Hey, dude, you're a rich congressman. Get a lavalier. You know, how about this get a fucking carpet or subtitle it oh like no we got to get it out quick we can't work sometimes it's going to take an extra day get it out quick thought he killed it dude first of all i have a message for joe i'm sorry but echoey. I have a message for Joe Biden. Oh, fill in himself so goddamn hard after he says Joe Biden.

Joe Biden and the way he lingers on that. I have a message for Joe Biden. If you want to take everyone's ARP. So cavalier. Why don't you swing by my office? Why don't you swing by my office? It's so fucking the shit to be so, so cavalier and confident and with a little bit of swag when you know the hottest slam of the century is right under your lapel. You know the hottest slam of the century is coming your way.

And he says, why don't you swing by my office? And he has the hottest fucking slam. You know why it's the hottest slam? Well, check this out. This is why. Look, look, look. First of all. Why don't you swing by my office in Washington, D.C.

and start with this one. Picks up. Momentarily swings it. Momentarily aims it at the cameraman. Which, okay, fine. So I tweeted, oh, swung it at the cameraman, and people were like, it's not even real, dude. Okay, well then,

give me the gun. Oh, you're going to threaten me with a non-working gun? Okay, damn. It's going to be fine. Okay, it's not a threat then. Dude, this kind of guy, bro. My office in Washington, D.C. And start with this one.

Come and take it. Oh. So? Fucking. I'm sorry, but this deserves one of these. Really does. I have a message for joe biden and beta orc if you want to take everyone's ar-15 in america why don't you swing by my office in washington dc and start with this one come and take it

oh if the video ended for that, I don't give a fuck. I'd vote for whoever he wanted me to. I have a message for Joe Biden. Just saying I have a message. You know, this is the message. You don't have to do it. You're already shooting. Dude, how about this?

Beto O'Rourke dropped out in November. Hey, I have a message for Michael Dukakis. I have a message for Michael Dukakis. Ran against George Bush in the 80s. If you want to take away everyone's AR-15, why don't you start with this one? Come and take it. Michael Dukakis comes in, 4'10". Dude, yeah.

So come and take it, dude. So then I was like, dude, I tweeted, so you're threatening to kill Joe Biden? You're threatening to kill Beto O'Rourke? Hey, you know what, Beto O'Rourke, change your fucking name, dude. If you're going to be O'Rourke, then don't be Beto. Beto O'Rourke. It's like, I'm like fucking King Speech doing it. Aight, aight, aight.

Beto O'Rourke. Dude, I will mention King Speech every fucking podcast. And that's it, dude. And that's it. People say online, whoa, you see, is Chris Lee always going to mention King's Speech? Yeah, I'm going to do that, dude. All right? And I'll get fucking, I'll make it more and more hardcore.

Episode 200, my head will explode. Anyway, I wrote, so you're going to kill Joe Biden? So you're saying you're going to kill Beto O'Rourke like you're publicly stating on video, you're going to kill Joe Biden? So you're saying you're going to kill Beto O'Rourke like you're publicly stating on video that you're going to murder a presidential candidate? Ah, what a fucking goddamn moron. And people are like, he didn't say that. Dude, that's my favorite argument. Yeah, no shit, man. Do you know how threats work?

Do you know how fucking what implied means? What do you think? What's he going to do? Take him to fucking Applebee's? What's he going to do? Take him to fucking Applebee's? What's he going to do? I don't understand. That's what a threat is. You literally just threatened the presidential candidate.

And this guy. People are surprised that I understand. Every one of these doctors said, how do you know so much about this? You know? An 11-year-old qualified for the Olympics. Well, that's how you know the Olympics are fucking bullshit. Hey, guy. Oh, you're throwing the javelin?

Cool. Let's make some new sports, dude. I'm tired of this fucking throwing a ball 12 feet. I'm tired of the fucking skiing, stopping, and shooting in a fucking bullseye. Hey, dude, it's 2020. Yeah, it's hard. Yeah, people work all their lives to fucking do it. Okay?

That doesn't mean it's good. Just because something's hard to do doesn't mean it's good. That's the whole thing, man. Wow, impressive. Breakdancing. I'm surprised that's not a fucking sport in the Olympics where they play the breakdancing shit. And then people are just like breakdancing is just because you're good at moving your body like a robot doesn't mean that that's doesn't mean just because it's hard to do doesn't mean it's good. That's the fucking number one breakdance song.

Pump it up. Fucking talk about King speech. Well, no other podcast will make that noise. Lie, lie, lie, lie. Wow, no other podcast will make that noise. That's the number one. When you hear that, you're a fucking breakdancer, dude. Joe Budden, pump it up, dude.

I fucking loved that song. My shoulders would start moving when I had that song. Dude, remember that shit? No. Hey, rap videos, never have an intro. I'm all good. Oh, what's going to be? Oh, there's going to be chicks around. You're going to be smoking blunts. I'm all good. Bro, I'll take you back to fucking 2009. Are you kidding me? Come on with me, dude. He puts in a VHS tape, dude. That's how you know it's on. No reason for this fucking terrifying music, you know? Yup, dude.

Everyone's a breakdancer when you put that shit on. Pump it up. Pump it up. Came to win a babe some name. A babe some name. Doesn't matter what he's saying. The number one song doesn't matter what he's saying. Bro, you ever heard a fucking... Fuck this, dude.

This is the number one doesn't matter what the fuck he's saying song. This shit is banging so hard that it's so on. It's unbelievable. And you can quote me on that already not making sense from the fucking second second in the song dude they were like do you want the beat to fucking go a little bit and la coj was like nah it's time to start not making sense dog they.A. First of all, they don't. Big Pet, Big Sally. No.

Just immediate no. They call me Big L.A. No, they don't. Big Pelly. Big Sally. Big Chelly. When you're whipping in the malls with your jelly. When you're sipping in the bars in your jelly.

When you're bitters and a fall in the backs. Oh. They call me Big L.A. No, they don't. Big celly. No, they don't. Big money. No.

Big billy. No, they don't. When you're sliding in the mall, can you hear me? Nope. When sliding in the mall, can you hear me? Oh, dude. LL Cool J. When I found out when I was a kid, LL Cool J stood for Ladies Love Cool James. That was my first, ugh.

I was a kid and I went, ugh. This podcast makes no sense. Fuck NPR. Dude, they call me Big L.A. They call me Big L.A. Fuck yeah, dude. No, they don't. And I love you, LL Cool J.

They call me Big L.A. Call me Big L.A. When you see me on the fucking street, call me Big Selle. I swear to God, call me Big Selle. I'll kiss your fucking mouth coronavirus or not. Dick on you or not. I don't give a shit. One time I took a picture

outside the comedy store and a 65-year-old woman said, can I get a picture? And I said, sure. And gave her phone to another person. They took a shot and right before they took a shot, she fucking grabbed my cock real hard and honked it. And I forgot about it for years. That's how fucking gangster I am, dude.

No, they don't. Yeah, they do, dude. Yeah, they do. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, they do. One Fire keeps telling me fucking do ads, but I'm on this fucking LL Cool J tip, dude. on fire keeps telling me fucking do ads but i'm on this fucking ella cool j tip dude they call me how about when people do this fucking dance when they pretend like

when they do like oh fuck when the guy comes in the circle and he fucking pretends to pull his heart out and he's not even touching his fucking bro if you're a break dancer and everyone's doing the fucking twisties and shit and they're on their tailbone twisting around and on one hand and they do the thing where they split the legs on one hand and they do a handstand that's cool that's a lot of fun in games and that's great but when a guy comes up and does little baby baby fucking robot steps like a fucking twisty like one of those monkey symbol things when they do the the twist and fun fucking things and when a guy comes up and does a little like he's a robot and then fucking makes his chest fucking not concave but what's the other pumps his chest with the with the with the fingers without even touching it bro when a guy does that they call me big that guy's big celly i swear to god the

guy who does that dance over he go you go home you do one pump oh shit he did it that's it well let's go home i don't care if we're at a fucking it doesn't matter if we're at a dig concert stop break dancing you know spinning around get job. These motherfuckers just spinning around. 34-year-old just spinning the fuck around in loose-fitting clothing. Just how loose? Hey, dancers, how loose can you get your clothes? We get it. Dude, so many dancers dressing fucking like Kobe jerseys and like big-ass sweatpants that they got from like, oh, this, this?

I paid $15 for it. Really, it's nothing. It's no big deal, but you're fashionable. But you're not fashionable. But you're fashionable. All right, Big Sele. Bro, LL Cool J is the shit. I did a fucking, when I did Lip Sync Battle. Forget it, dude.

That guy. You know what we were doing? You know what he would say we were doing? Clowning. We call it, they call me Big L.A. Big Sele. Big Pele. Big Chele. When you're whipping in the malls in the fele. When you're cripping Big Selle. Big Pele. Big Chele.

When you're whipping in the Mars in the Fele. When you're cripping in the bars in the Fele. Gotta get your head sprung. Fuck yeah, dude. I do have to get my head sprung. I gotta go to the doctor and get my head sprung. So anyway, dude. How about when fucking Hulk Hogan said this?

After I beat you and satisfy all the Hulkamaniacs, I'm gonna get off by cranking your knob. Yay! Um... Anyway... No, no, no. It's all good, but how about when fucking... No, no. Honestly, it's all good, but how about when Hulk Hogan said this?

After I beat you and satisfy all the Hulkamaniacs, I'm gonna get off by cranking your knob. I'm going to get off by cranking your knob sexual. I'm going to jerk you off, and then I'm going to come. Basically what he said. Fuck yeah, dude. There's so many goddamn rappers now. Rich Boy.

That's an old one. Throw some D's on it. And then DaBaby and Lil Baby. They're in a feud. boy oh that's an old one throw some d's on it remember and then da baby and little baby they're in a feud bro that's hilarious hey da baby and little baby were in a feud last week hey that's fucking hilarious you guys are whining to each other and babies in both your names you knew they were gonna get fucking in yo i'm the baby well i'm little baby so we're gonna have a problem oh okay cool i love the joke about how fucking um i love the joke about how their album would be called

maybe I gotta go potty I fucking think that that's so when I was talking about the Olympics and the fucking thing I put a thing on the on the internet and I was like the 11 year old doing the Olympics I said what you gonna take gold in

go on potty bro I love that joke. And I stand by it. And I don't give a fuck. And I'll always do that joke. Watched porn last night. All good. So yeah, Netflix, No Pain. That's coming out April 14th. Motherfuckers, put that in your queue.

Netflix, No Pain. It's a good title. It's a fucking good title. So check that out. Dude, I wonder what the coronavirus is going to be going on. I wonder if the shows are going to be canceled. I know corporations are fucking getting scared and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah.

oh yeah hell yeah um just got some cool dms from fucking bodega bodega i love bodega that store in boston streetwear uh i can't stop i i have the bro one time neil b Brennan said hey how many outfits do you have to me and that shit was hilarious and it was also something I need to thank him about it because I want

motherfuckers to know about me and my outfits bro I can't wait to get to the you don't understand you do not understand if I get to the level

of Kevin Hart sparkly jeans galore like it's and I'm telling you now and somebody when I get to the level of Kevin Hart, sparkly jeans galore. Like it's, and I'm telling you now, and somebody, when I get to that level, when I'm playing arenas, that's it. Zippers? Fuck that. Velcro. Just hot. They're going to literally look at me and be like, wow, he's big sale.

Because, dude, I'm not dressing the same anymore i want to dress so nuts that motherfuckers look at me and think that they can't talk to me you understand i was at the comedy store the other night trying to get coronavirus and i was a guy stepped off stage i ruined brian callance i went on Brian Callen's stage with Brian Callen. And I fucking put it on my Instagram. You can go check it out, Instagram TV. But I played with him a little bit on stage. By cranking his knob.

I'm going to get off by cranking his knob. And then I got off stage. I walked down past the hallway of the comedy store, which, by the way, is just a cesspool of weirdos. Like, Rogan doesn't even hang out there. I got to do that, but I want to have fun, bro. I want to be out there. You know, and I mean, he's got way crazier fans than I do, I would think, or more, I would say.

I have some crazy ones, but he's definitely got more. I mean, anyway, this guy comes up to me hey man can i ask you for some advice and dude the answer to that is yes you can if you're a budding comedian and you're thinking about getting on stage and you're gonna do it and you're not just talking about it and you want advice and you want to ask me about it at the comedy store and you got the balls to come up to me or any of the other comedians props to you and ask for advice in a true way the answer is yes i want to help and i say of course man fire away i'm walking to my car but you know as long as, it takes for me to

walk in this hallway, you got my attention. And he says, okay. So I just moved to LA and this and that. And, uh, I was wondering about, you know, when I moved to LA, there's a lot of, you know, people out here that's like, they're like fake and stuff and it's, it's fine. But I come from, you know, Philadelphia and I was just wondering and I was just wondering what I should do. And I said, oh, well, you're a comedian, yeah? And he said, no, I kind of like I work in stocks and all that shit. And I say, oh, well, what do you want? And he said, well, it's just like kind of fake here in L.A., and it feels like I said, hey, bro, I don't know what to tell you if you're not asking me advice about

being a comedian what do you want me to say and he was like oh i don't know i just feel like you know people in la um and then and he started sounding like joe biden and i was just like bro i gotta go do you know why because of course Because this situation sucks and you put both of us in it. I was just walking and you were just a stock guy. You work in stocks and you want advice from a guy who talks about fucking and sucking by himself in his basement. Oh, hey, guy. talks about fucking and sucking by himself in his basement oh hey guy my advice to you is don't ask me shit they call me big dude here's the deal, man. Bernie was cool when he came on and he said, look, the writing's on the wall.

You know, you guys might not have me as a president, but if what Biden needs to do, this is what Biden needs to do if he wants to get the young people. And he handed it off to Biden. And that was a fucking noble, awesome thing for Bernie to do. It really was saying, Biden, you can have the support, but this is what you need to do to get the young vote because Bernie has a young vote. OK, now that's great. It's all Biden's for the taking. The only thing I'm worried about is Biden's going to do now a press conference about this and just start talking about pants for no reason. Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like he's just going to be like, oh, so how do you feel about Bernie?

And he's going to be like, well, you know, when I was young, you know, I had pants and I would taper my pants. OK, and I would taper both pants and we would call it pegging. You know, you would tuck it in, and then you'd turn it over, and then to make it tight. Now, every now and then, those peggings would come out, and it wouldn't be that way. You know, you'd get wide pants. So what I realized is I just started getting wider boot-cut pants.

And so, you know, since I had had boot cut pants when i was a kid i stick with that now but mostly i'm wearing suits and i think that the young people can really identify with boot boot cut you know they may not be wearing suits but you certainly can wear a boot cut pant and we just are gonna start hearing this shit fucking a lot more over the next four years. It's surprising, I understand. Everyone at these auctions said, how do you know so much about this? All you got to do, Biden, is if the gun goes off, look shook. That's all you got to do, dude. And you can be big Pele.

You could take this motherfucker and run with it. Wonder what Obama thinks about all this shit. Everybody's going to be corrupt in fucking at that level. This is why I wanted Buttigieg. I mean, I know he's boring and shit and needs a tan. But, dude, I feel, by the way, wanted I wanted Buttigieg and Trump to be the fucking nominees because or the candidates, because that just seeing the two of them together. Tant Trump looking like a Simpson and Buttigieg looking like a corpse. I mean, Buttigieg is a new color. I've never even seen that color.

And I'm pale. Bro, I look like I'd be related to a vampire. And Buttigieg just looks like apartment blinds. And this guy, you know, I would have, I fucking love Buttigieg. I, and, but anyways, not the guy. But I would have loved to have seen that just stark difference and then also just the slams galore. The slams galore, dude. I mean the slams galore.

Trump would fizz and burn and just crash. And Buttigieg would do so many slams and just like blinking where he where he did the he would be the meme guy where he would just that fucking blonde meme guy and do slams like that um anyway i got tennis elbow i got fucking my back hurts and i'm sweating too much and a fucking yes dude life still life rips the thing about like oh by the way the life rips things just forget it man i'm gonna have more colorways it's gonna be the shit it's gonna be so dope dude it's gonna be so dope this they're they're restocked yesterday some of the sizes sold out i'm restocking more today go online and get the life rips hoodies and it's very important for you to wear this merch at other people's shows burt kreischer uh uh brian callan

tom segura whitney cummings you know uh theo vaughn andrew santino you gotta wear this merch no dents uh doesn't make a dent fucking life life rips you gotta wear this merch to other people's fucking shows that is the. That is the cult. That is the cult, man. And we are a cult. And that's all we're doing. That's all we're trying to do. Who knows if the fucking shows will get canceled or whatever.

But that's what's up. And we're coming out with new colorways. We're going to do that shit. And no pain. Netflixflix put it in your queue and april 14th i guess we did an hour huh we're pretty good dude we're pretty good and i got lunch here already so it's fucking on and popping dude um can't wait to be fucking i don't know it's all good that's it it, I guess whatever the fuck, what else,

what else did I want to talk about, one time dude, you know what, I want to leave you with this, and this is how you can tell, nah, I'm not going to leave you with this, because I got something else,

I want to talk about after this, but one time, and this is how you know life rips, this is a life rip story, and this is a fucking, it's going to be all good story, one time, when I was coming up through high school, look at these hands, look at these fucking hands, This is a life rip story. And this is a fucking it's going to be all good story. One time when I was coming up through high school, look at these hands.

Look at these fucking hands. You know what these hands are? And what I've always thought these hands are? Sexy hands. I've always thought I've had sexy hands. Ever since I was in high school, I thought I had very masculine, capable, piano fingered, sexy hands. That's what I've always thought. Okay?

Now I got to be a sophomore or a junior in high school. And I wondered why no girls ever said I had sexy hands because it never happened. And then my senior year, my friend, Brandon Goody said, has any girl ever told you you had sexy hands? And I was like, here it goes. Brandon's going to tell me finally, I have sexy hands. Now, of course it's not from the opposite sex, but who cares? I'll take what I can get. And I said, actually, no. Smirked. And I laughed. I chuckled a little bit because I thought I knew what was coming. And Brandon said, it's crazy. Twice last week, two different girls said I had sexy hands. And I had never been sadder in my life because I thought Brandon was going to tell me I had sexy hands or he heard through a grapevine that Joanna said I had sexy hands or whatever the fuck. But in fact, no, it was the twisting of the knife.

Brandon, who, by the way, God is my witness, doesn't have sexy hands. And that's me taking me out of this. That's not even me being jealous. That's me standing away from both of us, looking at both of us, thinking that if there was somebody that didn't have sexy hands between the two of them, it would be Brandon. Okay. Innocent bystander Chris. But that's what he said to me. And I said, Oh, wow, that's crazy. Pissed, pissed inside my heart. I went, you know, you do you do what you do. You live life, years, days turn into months, months turn into years, years turn into decades, quite literally.

And then your boy turns 35. One day, oh, I blink. And I'm 35. One day, I blink and I'm 35. And I'm on a date with a girl. Not really, because I don't really do that. And I don't like to waste a lot of time and money getting to know a girl. Not because I'm cheap and not because my time is expensive, but because maybe you fucking suck, girl. Honestly, maybe we suck together. Maybe we are not compatible. But getting to know each other and getting to know if we are compatible over a dinner that lasts one hour and 30 minutes and is going to cost your boy $120, that's not my bag. But I was hanging out with a girl and I think it was that coffee

because you know me and she said do you know what you have I didn't know what was coming it had been a long time since I talked to Brandon Goody I'd even thought about the hands thing and I said what and she said you have really sexy hands you know what i mean i'm in that zone where i'm just falling and i'm remembering i mean it's like

it's like the fucking three-fourths of the way through the movie where you realize oh the guy has a history he has a past that's what it is and it's directed really badly by some fucking second time director that had a movie that did kind of well. And then the second movie didn't do as well because of these kinds of fucking sequences. The guy's falling in its extra ultraviolet colors. And I'm remembering what Brandon Goody said. And now I'm not laughing out loud like I did when I was with Brandon Goody. I'm keeping it to myself because I'm older now and I'm wiser now.

And I'm knowing stuff doesn't really mean anything unless you let it. And I go, huh, really? And she says, yeah. And I said, that's funny. She says, why? And I said, because I always thought that I had sexy hands and nobody ever said that until now. And she said, oh yeah, no, totally. They're really, uh, they're really masculine. And I went, wow. Huh. And guess what? Your boy's 39 now. And I've heard that at least six or seven times from different girls. So I guess my point is, don't get so depressed when you're in high school or something because something happens, because maybe it'll turn out to be fucking awesome later. Now that's a story that means a lot to me and it might not mean a lot to you and it could be, oh, this guy's got

no problems. He's living in the first world. Okay, fine. But problems are micro to a macro. You know, maybe you're out there and I really mean this in high school and you're alone and you're lonely and you're crying every day and you feel bad about yourself and you feel about bad about being alone about your parents about your friends school's hard going through puberty's hard whatever the fuck it is maybe you feel like you have a small dick or big feet or bad acne but i'm telling you right now there's always that moment later on where you, it's not that you realize, oh shit, I do have sexy hands. It's that you realize it doesn't matter if I do or not. So take that with you. Okay.

And just remember, life rips. I have more to talk about, but I feel like we should end on that hand story. The story was like a C+. But I love you guys, man. Some of you. Honestly, maybe not even most of you because who the fuck knows who you are. Some of you guys are people that will come up to me in the hallway of the comedy store and just start talking about stocks and asking me for

advice. And all I do is fucking do impressions of the King speech once a week on my fucking podcast. But you guys, thanks for listening. And remember, no pain, dude, on Netflix. After this podcast, tweet me, show me on Instagram.

Show me. It's in your queue. Bam. I appreciate that. And thank you, my baby. You can text me at 818-239-7087. And yeah, the Life Rips hoodies are out. And I think we've got more colorways coming. Dude, it's going to be so dope, man.

I just decided to go all out. You guys are killing it, man. I love seeing you in those sweaters, those hoodies, and all the other ones. Thank you very much, you guys. You guys are great., man. I love seeing you in those sweaters, those hoodies and all the other ones. Thank you very much, you guys. You guys are great. Thank you. Bye-bye. ... ... ...

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