Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 164. The Coronavirus/Self-Quarantine Special

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

Today we're being careful, on quarantine, coming at you responsibly, and reminding you to take this seriously as well. We discuss the latest with Coronavirus, Italians being emotional and singing, being cooped up, Jean-Claude Van Damme, cucks who hoard toilet paper, and arguing with people on Twitter. Please be careful and stay healthy out there, babies! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions this is episode 164 of Congratulations. What's up, my babies? It's Chris D'Elia, and we're self-quarantined in this episode, um, I got a mask on, if it sounds a little weirder, you'll see in the YouTube video, and, uh, so it's fucking on, dude, we're not stopping, we are not stopping, I look like Bane, um, anyway, canceling a bunch of my shows, it's all good, canceling a bunch of, not canceling, rescheduling, so West

Palm Beach will be rescheduled, they'll all be rescheduled, dude, I'm really sorry about this, but we gotta stay safe, and we gotta keep it, we gotta keep it indoors, man, uh, and, uh, and that's what's up, it's not a hoax, it's real, man, this thing is kinda, this thing rips kinda, not a hoax it's real man this thing is kind of this thing rips kind of because it feels it feels like it's working anyway i'm i'm gonna you know i'm not gonna do the whole episode like this obviously because of how um you can't hear me so it's off now i'm going and i'm right into the fucking flames of the the flames of the fire i'm taking it off fuck it we're doing it live you know what i found out but But yeah, so we're rescheduling all. Look, here's the deal. We're rescheduling all of the things. We can't go to

West Palm Beach because they'll be very irresponsible. The shows are so big. You know, we're not talking about Brian Callen going and fucking doing a show for, you know, a few people in a rinky dink place. We're talking about big shows your boy plays big shows your boy plays shows that brian callan goes to do you understand this isn't a brian callan show this is a show brian callan goes to so we gotta uh reschedule uh to keep people safe to keep the elderly safe and a lot of you guys are passing along. You don't even know it yet. I might have it. I might have it. I don't think I have it, but I might have it. You know what?

I don't even not think I have it. Do you know why? Because I heard that fucking Idris Elba got it. So that means that sexy guys can get it. So it's like, I thought maybe I was immune. Because I'm tall, dude. I'm a tall drink of water. You know Idris Elba got it

from all of his DJ sets that he's been doing too because he's been doing too many DJ sets but that sucks man word up to Idris Elba gave a great message out on Twitter was very positive about it no pun intended but uh and then Tom Hanks too man two of Tom Hanks, too, man. Tom Hanks, America's Sweetheart, and Idris Elba. Man, that's rough. I love Idris Elba, and I love Tom Hanks. But when Tom Hanks got it, I was like, okay, he's more of an everyman. But when Idris Elba got it, I'm like, oh, great. Sexy guys can get it.

I'm fucked. Coronavirus doesn't – they don't give a fuck if you make panties wet? Oh, shit, dude. They don't care how many towels you make panties wet? Oh, shit, dude. They don't care how many towels you have to pass out? Ah, for fuck's sake, dude. Oh, great. So now I got to just chill indoors. I'm indoors, dude.

And I'm keeping it cool. And every five seconds, I feel, even, dude, the crazy thing is I've been leaving it on CNN and also Fox News. I flip back and forth because, i'm not you know what i mean i i like to i like to get the whole picture i like take some cnn i take some fox news i put it together and i deduce what i deduce because i'm real person okay and then when i do that there's so much going on about the, what do you call it, coronavirus. Then I start thinking, oh, I have a cough.

Even though I don't have a cough and I haven't coughed, I think, oh, I have a cough. So that just proves to you how fucking crazy I am and how the media can get to you. So thanks a lot, media. But, yeah, I love how people still think ah not a big deal don't worry about it i don't i'm not showing symptoms like it's not a fucking problem you can get it and then it dude it's like anything else you get it and then in four days you get sick that's how the flu is if you shake someone's hands with the flu you don't go oh i have a fever immediately dude you go home you chill a little bit you watch some netflix you wake up the next morning all things

are good you go get a starbucks and you spread it a little bit and then you come back home and then later on that night you feel a little fucking fatigue but you're like maybe it'll pass i'm gonna get some sleep and then the next day you wake up and it fucking sucks babies but life still rips man you have to keep that in the back of your head okay because i can't handle another fucking famous actor getting this coronavirus man i thought maybe it would be cool if i was the first one because then i would get more press but i'm not it's fine tom hanks idanks, Idris Elba, they got it, and, maybe I could be third, but yeah,

we're coming at you responsibly, man, with the mask on, but I love how, just some people, just some people, how they think it's a hoax and shit, is just out of control,

some people think, here, where's the thing? This idiot, Jana Abraham. Of course, that's her name. Widest name of all time. Jana Abraham. And downtown Nashville is undefeated. And then... First of all, this music. You know what I mean? Defeated. And then.

First of all. This music. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck what goes on down by the river. You know? Down by the river. In the fucking river. Creeks and a breakings.

In the brain of a brainens. Dude. I don't give a fuck. Take off your cowboy hat. Go go home take off your cowboy hat put on a fucking face mask and goggles go home nashville's undefeated got news for you jenna in two weeks nashville gonna be defeated because this is the coronavirus this isn't a fucking baseball team just be responsible dude oh i love the people look janet left that shit up too she didn't give a fuck heck of a job tennessee somebody writes it's not tennis i love you know tennessee's cool

but it's just fucking man he's cool but it's just fucking man current crowds at the Magic Kingdom for tonight's showing of happily ever after last last night Disney World I mean so many people they say you're supposed to hold your breath for 10 10 seconds and you go...

And if you cough, you're fucked. I didn't cough. Fucking yes! Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I'm good. So I'm good. I don't have it. I'll try again in, you know, a little bit.

But one fire is doing it. If he coughs, he's out. Go leave. See, that's the thing. Now I feel like I think I have to cough and then I, but I don't, dude. It's my OCD. Yes. So anyway, Idris Elba got it tom hanks got it

it's just brutal dude well get better quick tom hanks and idris elba i love you guys i think you're awesome and i really hope that you guys well you'll make it through because you're you guys i mean you guys you're gonna have the best medical although the guy Well I don't want to you know what I'm not gonna get into it The guy who was the head of the fucking thing In Italy he died but all good no I mean he obviously Got the fucking best medical attention and he died but it's all Good you know I feel bad he was only 50 something

But it's all good but so anyway Um We are fucking self quarantining Quarantining my babies. We're doing it, man. And you got it too. Cause that's what,

cause life's ripping and you got to keep making sure life rips. So stay indoors for two weeks. If we stayed indoors for two weeks and then we got out of doors, it would be fucking fine. But you guys are going to be, you're going to be, you're going to be bored, dude.

I've been quarantined for fucking two days and I'm bored as shit. I've watched a documentary on wells fargo last night i mean i do you hey listen to me dude look at me look at me look at me in the fucking youtube shits and if you're not if you're listening to it i want you to fucking take your fingers and push on your headset or whatever the hell you got you got those those shit ass airpods that come out all the time when you jump because i jump a lot because i do lots of cardio but i want you to listen to me dude i've been self self quarantining quarantining fuck that you know what dude i've been staying indoors fuck that word okay but i'm telling you right now look at me in the youtube shits

make eye contact with me i'm so bored i watched a documentary on wells fargo last night okay so this is what i'm doing for the conch all right it's what i'm doing for the country so if i'm sitting at home watching a wells fargo documentary you guys can do it too or at least sit at home and like play Jenga with people. But people who are in your circle, you know. Maybe Jenga is not the best because you got to touch everything. But you know what I mean. It's a self-quarantine special from fucking, congratulations, Log Cabin.

I'm glad they canceled Coachella even though that's the place they should have kept open because those people deserve to all get it. Anyway, it's all good. You should definitely fucking not go to Coachella because you don't want to get the coronavirus. But if you did, it wouldn't really be the end of the world because those are the people that should get it anyway. And specifically the people in Stagecoach also don't cancel that so anyway or anywhere they fucking play this song fuck this i'm going to the strip club after this and getting it i don't give a shit give me a lap dance let me cough baby give me a lap dance. Let me cough, baby. Give me a lap dance and watch me cough in two weeks.

Dude, hey baby, here's $20. Show me your tits. Fuck yeah, dude. We did not stop. We make sure people get content no matter what. I will reschedule the shows, but we make sure that we make fucking content for people. I might go out and get a fucking book deal for y'all because I need to keep making this money and bags need to keep coming in. I'll fucking write a book.

You think I won't write a book? I'll write a fucking book. Anyway, I'm slowly losing my mind. It's been one day. Next week, I'll be quarantined for one week, and and the next week i'll be quarantined for two weeks oh my god for real i will be nuts anyway dude who um what was i trying to say about the fucking italy's been killing it though it's you can't about the fucking... Italy's been killing it, though. You can't make...

Here's the thing about Italians. They're so emotional that they're either going to turn it into the worst thing or the best thing. And they figured out how to turn it into the best thing. I mean, dude, Italy... There's videos out there where people are just singing from rooftops and just – and like from their apartments are all opened up facing each other.

And they're just like – And people are just like – There's guys out there for real with trumpets and harps. You know? And some guys. That's the most Italian thing to take a fucking tragedy and turn it into the most beautiful shit. Everybody in Italy fucking shed one tear when they found out the coronavirus was there. And then they go like this.

Get my trumpet. At least we can sing. That is the most Italian thing you can possibly say. At least it cannot stop me from singing. Open the window. That's what happened. When Italy found out that they were going to get the coronavirus,

they go like this. They shed one tear and then they go like this. Open the window. And that's the most Italian thing of all time. And now let me tell you why. Because you let the emotion hit you. You let it sink in.

You let that one tear shed out. And then you make it from the most emotional sad thing. And you turn it to the most emotional beautiful thing. Thinking, at least I can still sing. And you say, open the window. And now let me tell you why it's even more Italian. Because the man is saying that to the woman. And he wants the woman to open the window for him.

That's why. Because he's like, you do it. Do things for me so I can give people my gift. Hello, lesser than. Open the window. And then she opens it, yes, and she opens it, and he just steps outside. Do, re, va, do. Lo, re, va, do, re. Ar, re, va, do, re. Then some guy goes like this.

What is that? Downstairs. What is that? And then she says, they're singing. And then he says, why? And then she says, apparently the coronavirus has come to Italy. And he sheds one tear from the other eye to make it even. And then he says, open the window.

And then he steps out. Mordi, Mordi, Mordi, Mordi. You know that song? That they always play during some sad shit or if someone gets married. Nordi, vordi, vondordi. Mordi, vordi, vondordi. What's that one? That's the cat song, dude.

But they're singing it in Italian. And then, dude. And then one guy guy says what is that from across the way and she says they're singing and he says why and she says because apparently the coronavirus is in italy now and then he said and then they say and then he says and then he lets two tears down from both eyes because he realizes two people are singing and they both know and it's even more tragic. And then he goes like this. Open the window. And she just walks over, slides open the door, and he walks out. Get my trumpet.

And then it's beautiful. And then they figured out all the shit man they figured out after that they figured out to fucking there was a workout class some guy was standing on a lower building from the inside of surrounded by a bunch of other buildings and he was doing workout video workout uh videos workout classes and everyone was joining him from their fucking patio satalian what's the song they always sing not the cat song i sang the cat song but let me fucking let me get the video on youtube italy italy singing singing corona virus here we go this is the song they sing always first of all it's so late a beautiful thing though so tone deaf just so fucking blitz drunk ate so much pasta and just ruined it there's gonna be one guy that

fucking ruins it you know just some fucking skinny string bean guy too that everyone's like god damn that guy's so annoying but for some reason he can fight and it just how come every foreign country has a song with ole in it i swear to god every fucking foreign country that guy would be i would be living next to that guy and i would be like this motherfucker Olay in it I swear to god Every fucking foreign country That guy Would be I would be living next to that guy And I would be like this motherfucker dude How Italian is it to sing On fucking patios to each other when

Some fucking emotional shit goes down and I would be the here's me Dude now I'm young as fuck but act Like an old guy sometimes I'd be like they're fucking singing I turn over to my girl they're fucking singing And it's so annoying dude and we got a Quarantine and now I can't get sleep and she'd Be like it's a beautiful sometimes. I'd be like, they're fucking singing. I turn over to my girl. They're fucking singing, and it's so annoying, dude. And we got to quarantine, and now I can't get sleep? And she'd be like, it's a beautiful thing.

And I'd be like, god damn it. Open the window. So fucking. Oh, wow. That's that fuck. That's that girl that's always. That's that girl that talks shit and gets you in a fight at a bar. Well, that's why he's a fat fucking rotund asshole.

And you're like, baby, can you? And he's like, what is she saying? Nothing, baby. She just had a few drinks. No, fuck that. My boy, he's going to beat you up. Baby, please. And then you're in a fight.

That's that girl. Same note four times. Not even fucking trying. Bro, this coronavirus really, really is firing on all cylinders. They were saying that it's not in a virus's best interest to kill, to be killing people quickly,

that it's going to take them a long time. Like it stays in you for a while. And then kills you. Because they want you to go out. And to transmit it to other people. And it's whole goal is to spread. And that. That.

Is the scariest thing. That I've ever heard. All good. So viruses try to just lay in. This is a virus right here. This is a virus. Just chilling. And then before you know it, it's fucking too late.

And you're fucking sitting on the patio just. In the meantime, she has it probably. And she's fucking sitting on the patio just. In the meantime, she has it probably. And she's given it to other people in the fucking apartment complex. But it's, you know, the world's gone mad. But Italians figured that, man. Shout out to the Italians. I'm really sad.

That sucks, man. They're going through a hard time, though, for real. I know this is a silly goose time on this podcast, but they're going through a hard time. I know no dents and this is a silly goose time and everything, but, you know. I'm going to do some fucking ads here and then I'm going to go back to talking about the coronavirus because this is the coronavirus special. Talking about the coronavirus because this is the coronavirus special. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer or the end of the school year. Celebration cookies celebrate good times. So, yeah.

We found out that there's a lot of, what do you call it, shows getting canceled. I was supposed to do Lights Out with David Spade, and they canceled it. So, sorry about that. And what do you call it? I was, but it's, oh yeah, the live show on Netflix. That sold out in one hour. Sorry, babies. We'll reschedule.

But that goes to show when it does get rescheduled, you're going to want to get your tickets even quicker. That goes to show, you see how fast these babies come? They come full force. I get all sorts of tweets. Oh, but show, you see how fast these babies come? They come full force. I get all sorts of tweets, oh, but it's sold out. And that was six days after it was on sale. Hey, what the fuck do you think of the log cabin? Bro, you think we're not building it and coming and it's happening one day? By the way,

log cabin will be quarantined. So if we do build it, you guys will keep, you know, we got to do a testing. And then if not, and then honestly, if not, if you're sick, you can hang out in the tall grass for a little bit. And we'll fire out some almonds to do a testing. And then if not, and then honestly, if not, if you're sick, you can hang out in the tall grass for a little bit. And we'll fire out some almonds to you or whatever. Or you could just sing to us from. We'll just be fucking throwing almonds at your goddamn faces.

You fucking sick fucks. Anyway, do it. Dude, this podcast rips. rips and that's it and some fucking coronavirus ain't gonna make life you know what coronavirus is gonna do oh you think hey coronavirus dude you think you're gonna keep life from ripping hey dude life rips because of you you fucking little fucking small microbiotic fucking i don't know i'm not a scientist but you bitch-ass motherfuckers life rips bitch and you know life rips people are like oh life rips in spite of the coronavirus

na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na life rips because of the coronavirus dude Coronavirus? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Life rips because of the coronavirus, dude. I did it. I figured it out. Anyway, I don't know what timestamp that was was but that'd be a good video for instagram uh so it is what it is man and we're killing it and people in canada are selling selling toilet paper for four times the price let me talk about this goddamn toilet if you just chilled and went to the supermarket like you usually do everything would be fine all the time however cucks get scared and need to wipe their ass that's like a mob deep song cucks get scared need to wipe their ass

just chill and it'll all be fine also how much do you need to wipe your fucking ass you're going to be indoors for 14 days how much do you need to wipe your fucking ass how much do you shit you're not eating a lot you're not eating as much because rationing so how much do you shit cucks oh dude anyone selling anyone hoarding the toilet paper and selling it for any fucking price higher than what it if you're price gouging here's what you deserve i'm gonna show up at your house and shit on you dude i shit on you, dude. I shit on you. You know that song, dude? Fuck your house, fuck your car,

fuck you too. I'll shit on you. Why are they whispering? It's a song. Everyone hears it. But dude, if you deserved for people to show up, no, you don't even deserve

for people to show up at your house and get shit on. You deserve for everybody to shit in a fucking truck. One of those ones, when it backs up, it goes, oh, oh, oh, and then it fucking

slowly, so you know what's happening. And then the fucking back opens up, and it dumps, not on your front lawn, all the way up to your front door. If you're price gouging for toilet paper, you deserve, quite earnestly, to be shit on dude and i'm serious this is not a joke i know this is a silly goose time but dude this is the silliest

goose time of them all you deserve to be shit on man and i hope someone does let's get that song do you know that song i'm gen z starts out immediately yeah dirty version one fire becomes one higher Because it goes out on you. I'll shit on you. Ah! Bro, this is the... I'll shit on you. Ah! Look at the fucking lyrics.

This is a lyric YouTube. I'll shit on you. Da-da-da-da. I'll shit on you. Da-da-da-da. I'll shit on you. Da-da-da. I'll shit on you. I'll shit on you. I'll shit on you. I'll shit on you. I will shit on you.

I'll shit on you, girl, you know. Nice they made it fucking sensual. I'll shit on you, bitch or men. This is sexist to say men but then also bitch. I will shit on you. I will shit on you. A boy band gone wrong. A boy band gone wrong.

I want to see the part where he says, bitch or man. That's... So gay when it goes... That's my friend, so it's good. So romantic. Bitch or man, I'll shit on you fuck your house fuck your jewelry and fuck your watch he'll shit on it all fuck your wife fuck your kids fuck your family

just would so get arrested immediately anyway that's what you deserve, dude. If you're hoarding, if you're price gouging for toilet paper. Bizarre. Anyway, I'm an alcoholic with a fucking toilet, okay? Say other things. So, yeah. That's just such, I can't believe. And then there's people who bought toilet paper and disinfectant wipes and fucking just handed them out to the elderly.

So nice. You know, I think Canadians did that too. Canadians are so nice. Um, but this fucking thing about what that I put on a, well, let me talk a little bit more about actually twitter i hope oh dude how much is jonathan damn gonna get fucking coronavirus for real that's so who would get it son of a bitch i got coronavirus uh i want to know want to let you know i i have no symptoms so far uh and i'm still training for

god knows what but i am still practicing the splits for no reason and going on talk shows that nobody has ever known existed and doing jump kicks and everything is totally fine every every like four months i'll get a thing on youtube that's like jean-claude van damme fucking kicks a cigar out of guy's mouth and it's like some talk show that i've never seen and i didn't know it existed there's one thing that he posted on instagram oh my god this made me laugh dude jean-claude i'll never know how to spell it jean-claude van dam damn let me get it and he where he's dancing and he's dancing so sexy to a crowd i played this for you did you get this and and he's dancing and there's not enough clapping for him to continue dancing and he still dances dude and it's so amazing here it is it's on his instagram

this is how much this is he's dancing like so sexy at a place with a crowd not enough people not enough people dude there's 25 people there that's like a brian callan show like a brian callan show um uh so i have been self-quarantining myself uh i am trying to keep away from people except for every no and then i get a girl come in and my wife watches her suck my cock um you know john there is no way in hell john claude van Damme doesn't do like that shit where he's like, sit down, wife, sit down, watch her suck my cock. And he doesn't like it messy either. He's like, I don't like with all the spit.

Make it cleaner. And he does it on a split. He does one foot on the fucking kitchen island and one foot on the kitchen sink. And then she sucks him that way, standing up. Wow. That's the stuff I think about, by the way. And it's going to get so fucking more and more convoluted with this quarantining shit as it moves on.

I'm going to cum on that son of a bitch so hard. I'm going to cum in that ochre's mouth so-ord that the next, what do you call him? John? I'm going to come in that ochre's mouth so-ord that the next John is going to fill it. That the next client is going to feel it. The next client is going to feel it. My wife is going to watch me come in that.

My wife is going to watch me come in that ochre's mouth so hard that the next trick is going to feel it. Now, who's coming with me and who's going home? that the next trick is going to feel it. Now, who's coming with me and who's going home? Oh, man. I fucking love Jean-Claude Van Damme. Only wears a blazer, too, the whole time when he's busting. Nothing is funnier than thinking about Jean-Claude Van Damme only wearing a blazer while fucking.

All good. Figured out what's the funniest thing in the world. You guys can go home now. Dude. But I make fun of like, oh, dude, Biden. This is what I think about. I think

that the thing about Bernie and Biden doing the crowd with no crowd, doing the debates with no crowd is bad for Biden because Biden when people clap at what he says he resets and starts realizing what he's going to say next and when that motherfucker's off the cuff he just starts talking about whatever

somebody said hey what's up with the coronavirus and he said in the camera he's like well I'm just you know it's a shame that Sanders is siding with trump and walked into a car guys guys you know i don't know man this is what i love too i'll make fun of whoever any candidate i don't give a fuck and like you have to make fun of all of them right you can't just make fun of some of them because that's not cool. And I made fun of Trump because he did this thing. Oh, I said it's really funny if it would be so hilarious if Trump got the coronavirus. And of course, it would be funny because he said it was a hoax five days ago. And he's like, I don't feel any symptoms. Wrong. I don't feel any

symptoms. It's fine. I don't have it. I don't need to get tested so it would be funny if he got the coronavirus now obviously I'm being silly obviously I don't want people to get the coronavirus you know so some fucking cuck was like what do you say let me just go to the tweets oh here we go it would be so fucking hilarious if Trump got the coronavirus like so funny and some guy writes why would it be funny explain and I, because he kept saying how he didn't need to get tested. He was so cocksure. So it would be funny if he actually had it. Weird. I had to explain that, but here we are. And then the cuck wrote, but I'm still just trying to understand why it would be funny if your president contrasted to serious illness. So I said to the cuck, I was being silly, but you knew that.

And you still asked me why it was funny. I explained, knowing you know. Now you're asking again, pretending I meant what I said seriously, when you know I'm a comedian. You're probably not stupid, so how come you're acting that way? So the cuck said. First of all, I have no idea who you are. Now, fine, I'll buy that for the argument. But your boy, he's coming up. Also also you check the profile by now cockhead

also even if you didn't know i was a comedian you could assume that i'm not a sociopath with 1 million followers and just hoping the president of the united states gets a deathly disease because he's 70 whatever and he says first of all i know i have no idea who you are just i just saw that your tweet was retweeted by a friend of mine cool second don't hide behind the label of comedian that's so weak that's one of my favorite things that's one of my favorite things. Oh, you're hiding behind the label of... No, bro. I... Well, I'll get to it. That's so weak, he says. Standing on stage with a mic and pandering for claptor doesn't make you a comedian.

You have to actually be funny. Okay? So, claptor is fucking... Get rid of that, obviously, because I can't see the thing below it. One fire. So, claptor is where you just say stuff so people will clap which i don't fucking do obviously if you've ever been in my fucking shows any of my shows i'm not trying to get clapped or when i'm talking about cubans asking for directions you idiot so i wrote if you don't

know now i'm just breaking it down now just simply breaking it down If you don't know who I am, then how on earth do you know what I do on stage? Now, let me just now. Here we go. I got to fucking get this going. Here we go. If you don't know who I am, then then how on earth do you know what I do on stage? I'm not hiding behind any label. I'm literally a comedian just because you don't think what i

said is funny doesn't you doesn't mean it's not let's ask random people who has a better sense of humor me or me or you i said to the cock and then he says this is my favorite and I can't even respond to it because it's awesome. Trust me, dude. I'm way funnier than you. Anyone who says, trust me, dude, is a fucking, like, it's just, well, you know. But you don't let that, but he says, but don't let that offend you. And then he follows it up with, I'm extremely funny. Also, liberals are categorically insufferable now, yet painfully unaware of this.

So you've also got that working against you. Perhaps you'll all be able to create quality material again in 2024. Okay, so look, dude. First of all, you don't know who I am. You've said that. How do you know I'm a liberal? How do you know how far left I am? Because I'm not far left.

And I agree that a lot of far left liberals are extremely fucking insufferable. Also, most of the most successful, and this is just a fact, most of the most successful comedians are liberal. So, huh? most successful comedians are liberal so huh so i write uh so i write just i just retweeted and did the laughing crying emoji face because obviously the guy fucking lost his own argument with just saying all that shit but uh you can't keep arguing with a fucking dumb motherfucker and then i fucking went on his page and looked

and he had like this fucking video of him sucking up to trump like he's like i finally met trump and like was such a fucking like fanboy imagine being a fanboy to a 74 year old you know um i fucking love this world like people like that get to exist and have a platform it's so awesome so i retweeted it i'm sure his mentions were busy for a while and then he said something like oh dude i've pissed off so many liberals that's the other thing too i'm not his mentions were busy for a while and then he said something like oh dude i've pissed off so many liberals that's the other thing too i'm not i wasn't making any blanket statements you can't just say oh fuck all liberals like just like i'm not saying fuck all uh you know

conservatives because i don't think that man and i'm out of this fucking liberal conservative bullshit. I'm out of it, dude. I'm, I'm out. You've all fucked it up. I'm out. I'm fucking Ralph Nader in this bitch, dude. I'm out. Color me green, bro. I'm out, man. I'm not in this motherfucker. I'm not one way or the other. other fuck y'all dude I'm not crying and I'm not saying well actually I'm not doing that shit I'm out bro so you're not gonna label me one way or another I'll fucking sit here only goddamn almonds on this fucking podcast.

And they're unsalted, dude. Have you ever eaten a fucking unsalted almond, dude? It tastes like a goddamn computer. So gross, man. Almonds. Get it fucking together, man. Like, what the fuck? Almonds?

Fucking, uh, what's that fucking watercress? What's that bullshit? What are those fucking things? I don't give a shit. Almonds suck, dude. It's not even they suck. They're nothing. At least tastes bad, dude.

Water chestnuts, dude. Are you kidding me? Water chestnuts? First of all, water's in it, so you know it's bad. If I'm on water, glug, glug, bitch. I'm gonna eat water chestnuts? Dude, those suck. Anybody who tells you that a water chestnut is good

can get in a fucking car and drive to the middle of the desert. I swear to God. Imagine going to the grocery store and getting a fucking water. Actually, these aren't bad. The thing about almonds is, the more you eat of them, the better they are. But who wants to eat fucking 70 almonds? And you also, if you eat one almond,

it's like being in the desert for two days. You need water. So I stacked up and got some fucking almonds because I thought maybe the world was ending so at least I'll have some fucking you know some healthy snacks but also how much water do I have I need to fill my goddamn I'm going to start drinking out the toilet bowls

anyway let's do these second ads I love this podcast I love doing this podcast and that's it I will stop doing it if the numbers don't start. Just keep growing, though. I will stop.

So tell a friend. Dude, this is the thing, man. This is the time to do it. We're all stuck. I'm stuck. Share this motherfucker to somebody who... I mean, I'm so dry after these goddamn almonds, man. Water chestnuts suck, dude.

after these goddamn almonds, man. Water chestnuts suck, dude. So, I just love how Biden was like, this is the shit that just, my running mate will be a woman, he tweets. And I hate that he did that.

Because here's the thing, man. Who cares what you are? That's the thing. The guy right under it wrote, Democrats. See, I don't like when they blanket a man like, Democrats only care about, stop doing it like this. Just say he. I hate that shit, man. But this is what he writes. He, Democrats only care about what you are like this just say he i hate that shit man but this is what he writes

he democrats only care about what you are not who you are why does this guy joey saldino i don't know who he is i'm assuming he's a big republican but why doesn't he realize that that's just going to mobilize this is what now i don't want anybody mobilizing like motherfuckers but he's just he doesn't realize that that's going to make Democrats be like, fuck you. He'd have more people on his side or if he was just like, oh, Biden only cares about what you are, not who you are. So. My running mate will be a woman. What a say, just find out who it is and then tell us, you know.

So, I mean, it's so ridiculous to tell. I wrote, tell us more about her. Will she be tall, short, brunette, blonde? Like you're trying to be not sexist. You're sounding sexist. I'll sell you sniff kids. I don't know. Trump is just ridiculous this motherfucking

david brenn ass motherfucker he did this thing i i tweeted it it definitely got over the shit i can't even believe it. So cock. Dude, you got to go on Twitter or Instagram and look at it. He fucking goes like this. Yeah, they came out with fake news and they found it out. But here it is. I said Google was a part of it. They said it wasn't, but they are. I got proof right here. And then

just goes, poink, and flicks it away, dude, like it's a burger. And you're driving on the freeway dude the guy is such an asshole unbelievable dude how the president just goes the president just goes kobe and tosses it out man remember when kobe dying was the worst thing wow that was like a month ago and now every jesus christ um

so insane i think that's so funny that he did that god the guy's such a fucking asshole what and and if i they're all assholes dude all all also how fucking big for real i don't care who you are how big does your ego have to be if you legitimately are running for president you have to think you know how to fix the country which is wrong because nobody knows dude and probably the people who do know aren't fucking are smart enough to realize they think they don't know anyway dude everybody's fucked trust me dude i'm way funnier than you when he says it when he said trust me dude i'm way funnier than you remember when the late lady emily lak lak da wala lak da wala that white chick wrote so i carefully did not buy black panther tickets for opening weekend

because i did not want to be the white person sucking black joy out of the theater. What's the appropriate date for me to buy tickets? Is next weekend okay? And it was real. That was an underwater, uh. Dude, so I carefully did not buy Black Panther tickets for opening. By the way, carefully. You just do or don't.

So I carefully did not buy. Motherfucker, dude, I'm a human. I can do it. So I carefully did not buy Black Panther tickets for opening weekend because I did not want to be the white person sucking Black Joy out of the theater. What's the appropriate date for me to buy tickets? Is next weekend okay? And I'm just like,

And I'm just like, that's a fucking underwater. I mean, come on, dude. The most racist by trying to be the least racist. You literally failed at what you were trying to do so specifically. Imagine being that much of a failure. That's like going to, that's like being like, let's play baseball, stepping out onto the fucking baseball diamond and shitting your pants and then crying and then being like this is baseball sucking black joy out of the theater like you're some

like you're a mall like you're the fucking bad guy from black panther answer also weirdly luck luck dawala her last name which is like sounds like fucking wakanda you know like there's a like there's an appropriate date like black people were gonna be like march 15th just go see the fucking movie you idiot idiot, or don't, or if you think this, then don't go, but don't tweet it, I'm a pundit, I need to be a pundit dude and also eat almonds during the fucking thing that's it and just have my mouth get so dry

hire me dude CNN I'll come in with a mask on but yeah so anyway sexy guys get it because Idris Elba it is pretty fucking crazy what's going on in this fucking in this world uh what else happened in the in the news dude

um oh shit i'm on i forgot i'm in inked magazine um and i'm on that wait what inked inked magazine I'm on Inked magazine. I think it came out today. They did an interview with me. What's this? What you need to know. What? The White House has advised people

not to gather in groups of more than 10? It's amazing Brian Callen can fucking still do his shows. France has banned all family and social gatherings and closed its borders. Okay. Ohio's governor wants to move the state's primary electorate to June. Yeah. Canada will deny entry to anyone who isn't a citizen or permanent resident.

Wow. Wow. Now, one fire zoomed in. I'm pissed. Man, I didn't ask him because the nasty um so that's crazy white house urges avoid remember five days ago he said it was a hoax that's great um wow 10 people dude that's insane

james bond actress says she has virus Olga Kirilenko Kirilenko that's the fucking I want to do remember that thing that was Legitness who's that fucking girl click on her Instagram dude fucking one fire

oh yeah she's fucking sucks huh even sexy people I told you even sexy people can get it I'm fucked is she Russian or is her last name just that because you know Kirillenko yeah she's Russian that because you know karelenka yeah she's russian or ukrainian you know i know

what the fucking thing is around the world dude if i know it if you're it could be russian or ukrainian dude don't be like oh he's like it's either russian or ukrainian and it's ukrainian obviously and he just found it out but he's trying to fucking make himself sound smarter by throwing in the ukrainian thing but i know the fucking ukrainian thing dude i know that you could be russian or ukrainian um was she was this the girl in um uh that tom cruise movie oblivion i saw that anyway that's not worth saying but i did and that's the fucking kind of podcast this is my back hurts. Fuck yeah, dude. Um, you know, I don't know.

I guess we can be done with this podcast. Uh, I don't really know what else to say. I, I hope that you guys are being safe and I hope you guys are carefully not buying black tan Panther tickets for opening weekend. Um, because you don't want to be the white person sucking black joy out of the theater.

Um, and we got to figure out what to do in this country but don't gather in groups of 10 and even though last night at uh fucking disneyland there were 400 000 people hanging out singing it's a small world cool you're all gonna die um and if your name is janet abraham you're too. This is the stuff that we've learned. I guess that's it. So you guys can – you know what I'll do? This is the best actually. Influencers in the wild, the Twitter, they tweeted this.

This guy is driving by. It's a great account that just finds people in the wild doing influencer shit, which is so cringeworthy. And this guy drives by, takes a video of a girl standing in front of an Austin, Texas sign, and she has a bottle of water or something that she's trying to fucking promote. And listen to what she says. They catch it so...

Driving by, they catch it. I'm just really trying to get sponsored by them and my heart broke so it's all good that that's the world we live in so it's all good but my heart broke and it's all good so it really felt actually bad for society so anyway you can text me at

818-239-7087 I'll be trying to respond to more texts during this quarantine how about that and you know we're constantly updating more merch. I don't know what's going on with this. I don't know if shit's going to get pushed back or whatever. It's going to be harder to get the live rips. So you go try and

t-shirts. My shows and the Netflix festival, they've all been rescheduled. I'll let you know when. You guys are the best. Thanks for listening. And we'll come at you next week with episode 160-something else. 165-something.

160-whatever. Five. And we love you guys. Thanks a lot. And remember, thanks for listening to the self-quarantined episode. Thanks for listening to the coronavirus special. Thanks for listening to the coronavirus self-quarantine special.

You guys are great. Congratulations. Thank you.