Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 165. First Line Of Defense

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Today Chris is all alone, no Juan, no Ivan. We're being safe, so you should be, too! On today's show we talk about the people who have been preparing for quarantine their whole lives, celebrity "Imagine" with Gal Gadot, Harvey Weinstein getting a coronavirus test, a story about a community college production of Grease, Madonna, and a film Chris made when he was 23. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. What's up, babies? It's episode 165 of Congratulations. Celebrate good times. And I wasn't even totally sure if it was episode 165, but it is episode 165 because I looked after I said it, which is a very fucking bad thing to do as anybody in charge of anything is saying something and then fact-checking it later. But that's what we do. It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter because I'm not a politician.

I'm a goofy fuck. You understand? I'm a goofy fuck, and I'm not a politician. I'm a goofy fuck. You understand? I'm a goofy fuck and I'm chilling and it's episode 165 and did you think that we weren't going to do it because it's the E-O-T-W?

It's the end of the world? Did you think that? Did you think it was fucking, I wasn't going to hit to 165 because it's the end of days. End of days. Dude, the fucking movie End of Days with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Me and my friend Brandon, when we were younger in high school, the movie came out, End of Days.

And he would always make me go, end of days. And that's a quick bad story to start off your fucking quarantine day eight. I think it's day eight, dude. I don't know. I don't know, man. I thought I was going to be way your fucking quarantine day eight. I think it's day eight, dude. I don't know. I don't know, man. I thought it was going to be way more bored than I was. And honestly, I'm not that bored. Everything's good.

Just been kind of doing a lot of squats. I walk outside for about three minutes and then go like this. And then walk back in. You know what I mean? It's about it. It's about it. It's about it. It's about fucking it, dude. Thought about growing my beard out

and doing a quarantine beard, and then I realized I can't do that because I have one of those fucking masks if I need to go out in public, and the masks work less if you have a fucking beard because it goes into the particles, the fucking COVID-19 particles go into. They go around the beard.

They fucking go around the beard and under the mask and slip in. They're like a crook, dude. I'm tired of this crook ass coronaviruses, man. But I wear it. So I got to cut it. I got to cut it. I got to shave it. I got to.

Your boy's got to be a fucking baby face. I'm sorry, dude. Your boy may have to be a baby face because of COVID 19 that's it affects us all it honestly affects us all you know even if you're not dying from covet you might have to be a baby face um but yeah things are pretty much running pretty fucking shittily you know uh pretty fucking shittily about this uh in in the country and also all of the world but you know i don't even know what to say to this i would normally fucking start by uh doing um what do you call it dates but i don't i don't have any man i don't have any thank god

for this podcast so i could keep raking in the fucking bags. No diddly ants, you know what I mean? Yeah, dude. And the merch and the fucking, you know, the merch, no diddly ants, and the fucking podcast, no diddly ants. And then I also have another thing I'm working on that's going to fucking provide me no diddly ants. But whatever, dude, that's neither here nor there. Everybody's fucking losing money off this shit. I'm losing a lot of money.

Granted, no dents, yeah, but losing money, man.. I'm losing a lot of money. Granted, no dent. Yeah, but losing money, man. The Brinkstruck are backing up slower. Yeah, sure. They're taking a little bit longer to get to their destination, but it's okay. You know what? We're going to get through this shit. We're going to get through this shit for one reason, because we have to. I love how politicians are like, make no mistake. We will get through this. It'll be hard, but we will all survive. We will get through this it'll be hard but we will all survive we will get through this and it's like yeah we will get through this but only the people that get through it some people are gonna fucking literally die so what do you mean i always want to fact check those motherfucking you see that british prime minister with the fucking hair that looks like dumb and dumber

but he went through a fucking car wash like It looks like literally the prime minister of fucking Britain looks like if Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber and if Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber had a baby, that's what his hair would look like. It's a ball cut, but it's still messy as fuck. And he's like, might no mistake, we will get through it. And it's like, yeah, the people who get through it will get through it and it's like yeah the people who get through it'll get through it what about the people who are face down on respirators that are gonna hear soft color but also true and there's there's comedy and truth you know anyway dude i don't know i fucking tweet stuff and everyone gets mad still so the world's still fucking moving the world's fucking still going the world's still fucking moving. Woo-hoo! The world's fucking still going. The world's the Energizer bunny, dude. It'll still go.

And, yeah, some people still think it's a hoax. That's hilarious. Your cousin's going to die. COVID-19, man. I say that shit. I don't say coronavirus. I say COVID-19 because my shit is smart. My shit is smart my shit is smart man you know the fucking shit is dire

my uh I love how I mean I tweeted so many things oh by the way the internet is popping now just so you know if you thought the internet was popping before the coronavirus the COVID-19 the internet is popping now. Just so you know, if you thought the internet was popping before the coronavirus, the COVID-19, the internet is popping more now. The internet was popping and now the internet is popping even more. And, you know, it's great because you get to fucking just basically chill out and do things and you you basically if you're healthy and you're

chilling with your family you get to be a piece of shit and not really not only do you have to get to not feel about bad about it you get to be feeling like you're actually saving the world how about these couch potatoes that have just been couch potatoes in practice and now they're like it's my time to shine with a bunch of fucking cheetos and funyuns on their mouth like crumbs and shit it's my turn to shine hey mom from the basement it's my turn to shine you told me to get a job well fuck you bitch just funyuns dripping off their fucking chin let's go to war get a fuck with that with a helmet on they have like a Broncos football helmet for some reason hey Ma it's time to go to war mobilize the troops

that's just me though on the couch are you sleeping it's 3 o'clock I know sorry Ma I was trying to save the world Derek are you playing Call of Duty again yeah for the fourth time. Just trying to do my part. Sorry, Mom.

Sorry to save the world. What are you doing, Mom? Getting ready for work. You're fucking part of the problem. Sit your ass down. But we need money. Nine times like these. Bring back Funyuns,

bitch. That's him. Derek in the fucking basement wearing a Denver Broncos fucking helmet. I'm John Elway, bitch. I knew my day would come. Just some fucking, i knew some guy who's just almost fucking too fat with a his shirt a little bit above and he's got shorts on and stains on his fucking like blue gray shirt i knew my time would come here we go start on fucking call of duty Modern Warfare here we go start I'm saving the world I'm going off to work fuck you bitch you're part of the problem bring back finance bitch

you know what I mean Derek what saving the world dude amazing I'm gonna watch America's Got Talent videos for six hours in a row cause I got to save the world what are you doing are you going to work bye bitch fucking shout out to derrick all the derricks of the world that have been just fucking saving practicing saving the fucking world practicing saving the world and now actually saving the world you are our fucking first line of defense how amazing is that i've been going out traveling

the world trying to fucking bring comedy to people now i can't even do it i don't know how it is to be on fucking on a couch just sitting down i don't know how to do that and now i got to do that and one hour a day i get up and just fucking do some squats and then go fart outside for a little bit and run into some fucking neighbors. I don't know and wouldn't know except for it's the end of the world. I met two fucking neighbors the other day walking down the street and they're like, hey, I'm Mike and I'm Mike.

We're both Mike. We just hang out. I'm like, oh man, what the fuck is going on? I swear to God, I met two guys named Mike hanging out together, same age. And the guy says, I'm Mike and his name is Mike too. We're just friends. That's what he said.

Okay, man. Anyway, dude, our first line of defense are in their fucking mom's basements. Just fucking a bunch of white guys that were gonna be like incels. But now after the shit is done and after everything goes down

that went down and we all come back as a society and we all get through it. We know we can, like the prime minister fucking said, with the breakdancing hair, with the just got done breakdancing hair. That's what the prime minister looks like. He looks like his hair looks like he just got done breakdancing. He looked like he just got done fucking pump it up. Pump it up. We will get through it.

Anyway, once we get through it, dude, those guys are going to be the guys who get the most pussy, dude. Just the fucking couch potatoes. Wow, you look horrible. Did you save the world? Yeah. Wow. fucking couch potatoes wow you look horrible did you save the world yeah wow ripped ass motherfuckers are gonna be like hey darling and they're gonna be like you look fit have you been going to the gym yes that's ruining society anyway dude shout out to the couch potatoes shout out to the couch potatoes. Shout out to the couch potatoes. Anyway, you know how it is.

It's all fucking good. This is how we're doing it. Brian Callen called me, didn't pick it up. Yes, dude, I would never pick it up. Fuck that. Why would I pick that up? Brian Callen, dude. He's got his podcast where he definitely has him, Brendan Schaub, and also three other people in the room while they record.

They're all getting Corona. It's all good. It's fine. I love how Brian did an Instagram the other day at a restaurant complaining at the mayor. Dude, a 52 year old on Instagram complaining to Garcetti. That's his name, right? Fucking Garcetti. Will Sassa was like grilling him on the text chain.

He was like, I can't. Nothing more 52-year-old than complaining to the mayor about an Instagram on Instagram. That's hilarious. Anyway, dude. First line of defense, dude. But everyone's getting it. Everyone it everyone's see this is the thing last week i was like i wonder who's gonna know somebody once we we're gonna start knowing people who have coronavirus now i know people who have the coronavirus i know people personally who have

the coronavirus i'm not going to say their names because i don't know if they want me to say their names but um i know people personally who are in the fucking hospital because of the coronavirus and they're fucking spry and healthy dude we're not talking about old people um yeah so it's rough out there I do know people and I'm just trying to stay hunkered down in my house with my fam

so we don't get it um and every you know uh what do you call it delivery that comes to the house they say you don't you're not likely to get it from the mail i saw a doctor talking about it on cnn so you know it's true uh and uh i saw i saw but so he said you know you can wash your hands and wash the packages if you disinfect the packages you don't have to. But certainly, you know, it's not going to harm you if you do.

So every package we get, I just fucking piss on it and then open it up and then we, and then, you know, eat or whatever it is. Anyway, first line of defense, dude, fuck these couch potatoes.

I'm trying to get some fucking, the world getting back, to get world back, getting back into order. You know, I, I, I have to say,

I do like to make fun of both sides. I made fun of Biden last week a bit, and I made fun of Trump. Here's the thing about making fun of the fucking Trump. Everyone, you know, gets mad at whoever you're making fun of politically, but I,

and, and the people, when I make fun of Biden, you know, sometimes people on the left, they, the way left left they tweet me uh most of the time it's the trump people though that that tweet me if i make fun of donald trump

but the thing is i'm gonna make fun of donald trump more because he's in the news every single day and he's the active president so now look whether you like fucking trump or not or what he's doing to the country during this coronavirus uh which is you know whatever you fucking feel uh you know i make fun of it and then people just get fucking nuts dude i love how i called it i this is how when he said it was this when when trump was saying something i tweeted about uh how the he was saying that it was a hoax the here's the other thing too i don't give a fuck what snopes.com fucking reports i don't give a shit about that snopes probably is right a lot of the time okay but it's no nothing like that is right all of the

time okay so i said i love how trump said it was a hoax five days ago or whatever. And now he's like saying how it's not or whatever it was. And people were like, he actually didn't, you know, the Trump supporters were like, he actually didn't say it was a hoax. Do your fucking research and don't be on a platform and giving false

information. I'm like, first of all, if you're coming to a law for information about any politics, hey, dude, run off a drawbridge into a moat. OK, because I am a fucking moron. And I've said that so much on this podcast. And that's that. I'm a fucking moron.

The only thing I'm more of a moron about than everything is politics. Okay. Now I know that, you know, I'm a comedian and I, you know, I joke around a lot. And some of the things I do on Twitter are not really jokes. They're just kind of statements or whatever, but still don't take information from me. And that's 100% obvious guy. But so I said, oh, it's a hoax or whatever. And people are like, oh, no, it's actually not a hoax.

Look at this. And everyone was sending me articles on Snopes.com. Oh, he was saying that, you know, he wasn't saying that the coronavirus was a hoax. He was saying that the Democrats are using this to look. See, this is how much of an idiot I am. I can't even remember, but they were, he was, the Democrats were using this to make him look bad. The coronavirus to make him look bad. And that was the hoax. And dude, I heard him say it 90 fucking times because I played it over and over again.

Dude, I don't, I don't care what you think. because I played it over and over again. Dude, I don't care what you think. It also doesn't matter if he said what they're doing is a hoax or if the coronavirus is a hoax, because it impacts what the fuck the country, what's going through the country. Anyway, dude, he said, we've got 15 cases, and it's going to be too soon, just for no fucking reason.

Like he's Dr. Strange. Like he's looking at all the possibilities like he's that meme of zach galifianakis with all the fucking equations and now fucking 50 000 people have it in america so go ahead and argue over semantics and go ahead and argue over shit that doesn't matter to a fucking touring comedian about politics. Go ahead. But the only button who's a fucking idiot about it is not me.

It's fucking. Well, no, I mean, no, look, I am an idiot about it. But you're joining this conversation being more of a fucking idiot about it. You're taking what I'm saying as fucking truth. And do my platform is for comedy only motherfuckers. This is a silly goose time only and if you're not in this cult i don't give a fuck and that's on you oh i don't know who you are you're still using bro if you don't know who i am that's fine but why is it

my fault that you're a fucking dork and not in the knowledge bro if you i love that's the thing that i forget the fucking guy who i talked shit with last week some fucking guy who pretending he wrote a book was like uh yeah i don't know who you are i didn't know you're a comedian okay fine you're gonna that's not my fault bro I'm everywhere. That's your fault. Oh, it's not my fault. You're not cool. I'm the shit, bro. Come on. Get on board. Get on this fucking boat, bro. Let's go. Let's go get fucked and sucked. I mean, not fucked in our assholes or whatever. Not me. I know it sounds like that sometimes when I say get fucked and sucked, but I mean the girls, it's whatever, bro. If you're gay, you're gay. Get fucked in the asshole. But my point is I'm not, but my whole point is don't come to me for fucking any of the knowledge, any of the knowledge. Don't come to me

for any of the knowledge, especially when I think I know, especially when i think i know especially when i think i know nobody i love how people are like oh yeah the fucking left is so whiny and bitchy and they are dude but bro so's the right the right's whiny and bitchy but tough speaking you know it's that's the only difference the left is like you can't do that, it hurts our feelings. And the right is like, you can't do that, I'll shoot you. It's the same fucking thing. They're both big pussies!

So just sit on the fucking couch, you know? It's not a hoax. And dude, so what, man? Here's the other thing. It's like, well, the flu kills millions of people people well whatever dude just sit on the couch for two weeks who fucking cares i get it some of you need to go to work i get it i get it it's going to be fucking hard but these are lives we're talking about right your grandma might die and i also i'll fucking go ahead and say it i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about your grandma might die. And I also,

I'll fucking go ahead and say it. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But what I do know is the fucking New Rams logo looks like Trump's fucking face. And it looks like his profile. And I said that on Twitter and people are like acting like it's a political statement

when I'm not even saying anything bad about him. I don't know. I don't like talking politics, man, on this podcast. You come to this podcast for a silly goose fucking time. I get it. But it's just what's been going on i've been listening to fucking cnn and fox news back and forth because i like to get both of them you know

and this is what's going on with the fucking coronavirus is this the only thing that's going on really i mean even the fucking stuff harvey weinstein has it the coronavirus which is crazy. I mean, if karma was ever not believed in, you'd believe in it then. I don't really believe in karma, though. You know, the only way I believe in karma is if you put positive energy out there, it's a good thing because more positive energy in the world makes the world more positive. But that's where it stops, dude. Some people are like, whatever you do comes back to you.

No, dude. Go get fucked. That's ridiculous, man. This is the world. We're not, this is not movies. There's no fucking bow tie ending where everything's all fucking make sense.

This doesn't make fucking sense. Oh, you got to practice good because if you practice good then you get good nah not necessarily man some people are so good and get hit by a car and then get better and then die of cancer like for real that legitimately happens so don't come at me with that fucking karma shit um but yeah but if there ever was a case for karma it's Harvey Weinstein but everyone's getting the fucking coronavirus anyway how the fuck does he know by the way why does he get a test I asked I asked why someone why he gets a test and they say well because he has money but he's in jail don't

you not have access to your funds when you're in jail also no I don't think there's another i don't think there's an also i was just talking about like don't you get i don't know man that's crazy that he got it though it looks like he had it fucking four months ago though it looks like he had it uh when he came out with that walker he was probably pretending and then he got and then god was like okay buddy you're gonna pretend here's a little bit of corona and then he fucking was like oh now i really need the walker you know i guess karma is a motherfucker um i was gonna say the thing about the fucking before i you know what before i even it's a lot it's corona heavy i'm sorry guys but we're

getting through this together but i'm also i'm not sorry because we got to talk about what we got to talk about and we're all in this together so but one time when i was a kid i was doing a fucking uh i did a uh god i forgot about this until i forget where i. I saw Ajax or somebody mentioned Ajax somewhere. Bro, one time I was doing theater in community college. White guy. And I did it. And we were doing Grease. Played Kinnicky.

White guy. And I sang Grease Lightning, dude. White guy. Anyway, in Glendale. Armenian. So anyway, and I did that. And there was a guy. I can't remember his name. But he was a guy and he talked like this.

And he was like a string bean dude. The guy was one of those guys that was so skinny that he started to drip over. You know what I'm talking about? Like he was like one of those flowers that looks tired. He looked like he was just going a lot. Bro, I'm a fucking writer. I should be. I should write.

But the problem is I don't know how to spell that shit. Go away. Anyway, he was fucking. We had makeup on because we wear makeup in theater because that's how you do it, dude, because the lights are going to be, you know, you don't want to look like a goddamn corpse and uh always look like a corpse anyway and so um and so this guy we were down after doing the musical oh dude i love musicals man i fucking love musicals every musical i've ever been to the opening act i cry and i'm not fucking lying i saw all of them every musical musical I see, fucking

tears down my... because it's beautiful. A bunch of people singing together, that shit is beautiful. If you don't think that's beautiful, put a vest with a bunch of pockets on and go fucking for a walk. So we were washing... you know, we came down to take the makeup off. And this dude, can't remember

his name, but he came out the tall fucking drink of water that would look like a tired flower came down and he was like where's the soap and i was like dude i don't know uh i think they got rid of it already because they were packing up then i turned to take off my fucking leather jacket and mom jeans because it was grease lightning because it was grease and then i hear the dude man we would laugh at this dude a lot of people would laugh laugh at him but like i like the guy a lot i i always liked fucking weirdos man ever since i was a kid i always liked weirdos i like like russian kids and i don't mean russian kids are weird but they are weird when you're coming when you're in fucking la canada they're just like

they're the outsider i like russian kids i like fucking kids that were like, where my mom couldn't be friends with their mom. Like that was my shit. That was my go-to. Anytime there was a friend, anytime there was someone in high school, I could sense that their mom couldn't be friend with my mom and I would fucking go for it. My mom would be like, why can't you just hang out with fucking friends that have cool moms? I can't speak to this person. They don't even speak English. I can't speak to this person. They don't even speak English. And I'm like, that's why he's my friend, bro.

Anyway, I'm taking off my leather jacket and I hear, oh. And I look over and it's the dude and he's over that fucking one of those industrial sinks that all like the basements of the theaters have. And I say, what? And he says, I don't think this is for your face. And I look over and he's got white powder all over his face and he's using Ajax to wash the makeup off. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's Ajax. And he goes, is it not for your face? I said, yeah, bro. I'm sure he's fine.

But that was a lesson for him. And, bro, I cried. I cried. I immediately laughed so hard. I started crying. It was one of those fucking Japanimation cryings where all the fucking tears started fucking going out the side of my face. Anyway, dude, that's a little break from the Corona stuff. But I'm going to do ads now.

Fucking let me get these ads up. I don't have my guys here because I'm doing it. By the way, this is how fucking I'm doing it for you guys. I didn't invite them over because I'm quarantining. I don't want these motherfuckers over. Ivan gets rid of. And One Fire, dude, they're not here. They're not here right now because if they got that fucking Rona,

I don't want to get that. And they both have beards. So you know that Rona's fucking chilling, having a little bit of a party in their beards so i don't want them to fucking cough on my baby and shit um so i'm doing this solo and i'm still doing it for you because because it's very important in times like these for you guys to fucking have entertainment. And also, I get money. And that's mostly it. That's mostly what the thing is. If you ain't even doing this for the money, man, what's your motherfucking purpose?

That's like the Tupac song, one of the fucking, what's his name say it? The outlaw say it? All right, dude. Ads. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away?

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slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Anyway, I loved this, dude. This was some of my favorite. Let me see if I can get it. Of course, I already X'd out of it. I love when I X out of stuff, even though I shouldn't fucking X out of stuff. Here we go. But this was great, dude. Actually, let me play this. This is hilarious that Marvel did this. I love Marvel shit X out of stuff, even though I shouldn't fucking X out of stuff. Here we go. But this was great, dude. Actually, let me play this.

This is hilarious that Marvel did this. I love Marvel shit. But, dude, here's the thing I don't like. Here's what I don't like about companies. When they have an agenda. Anytime I can sniff an agenda in anything, I out dude i'm out man i'm out that motherfucker if i'm gonna go skydiving if i'm gonna go watch people skydiving and i'm just along for the ride in the plane and i'm just chilling and i don't have a pack on and i'm like well i would never

jump out of a plane i just wanted to make sure that you guys were all safe and was here to document it and then they go like this. Okay, cool. And start talking like there's an agenda. I say, give me the pack. I'm out. And I jump out. Dude, I fucking hate agendas. I don't like them.

That's why whenever you sniff something like it's look, it's fine, dude. I get it. You want to have all the equal opportunity motherfucker and all the shit. And like, you know, you should have all the different kind of colors. And every fucking show is fine looking like a McDonald's commercial. I get it. Put a guy in a wheelchair in it. That's fine. But the second you put too many guys in a wheelchair in a fucking show or the second I sniff that a guy was cast because he wasn't white.

The second I get that, bro, I'm turning on something else just because I don't want to sniff the agenda. Make it fucking real this is the best of that right here this tweet is from Lilith Lovett the first non-binary superhero in Marvel and they named them snowflake no this is not fake

and then this is the thing I'd watch snowflake and safe space are ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah snowflake no this is not fake and then this is the thing i'd watch snowflake and safe space are there's two one's named snowflake and one's named safe space first of all let me just tell you right now that's worse than batman and captain america that's worse than cool names because those names are for pussies. Who wants someone to fucking save your life? You want fucking Marvel? What's the fucking girl who didn't like when she was going through TSA because the guy fucking frisked her? A guy hit on her?

What's her name? Marvel head? What's her name? Marvel head. What's her fucking name? Brie Larson. What the fuck did she play? Captain Marvel. Marvel head. I don't give a fuck.

Whatever she played. That name is cooler. Than fucking. Hey. Help. Help. Don't worry. Fucking.

Safe spaces here. No, no, no. No, no no no no i want the human torch he's got fire look at this bitch ass shit also two white guys created this snowflake and safe space are the twins and their names are very similar to screen time it's this idea that these are terms that get thrown around on the internet yeah no shit we've heard them that they don't see as derogatory i mean okay there's no superhero with the with the n-word you know what i mean there's no superhero with any racial slur for a reason so let's not take anything derogatory and make it a positive because egg gun get in trouble

that's just fucking right for the picking that's a farmer going trouble it's so easy don't do that now look take those words and kind of wear them as badges of honor. Look, this guy doesn't even believe it, you know? He's just like, I don't know. I got fucking 40 grand for making these motherfuckers. They told me to make them fucking androgynous and maybe brown. So I just did it. Look at this white guy.

Just like, I'm getting in trouble for this probably, aren't I? Getting in trouble. Safe space. Dude, trying. I love it. You can get in so much trouble for trying to help is of honor safe space is kind of a big burly sort of stereotypical jock he can create force okay but he can only trigger them if he's protecting somebody else. Okay, I get it. Snowflake is non-binary.

Snowflake is non-binary. I wish you went further. Snowflake is non-binary. He doesn't have a cock or a pussy. He or she, he is not she. I don't know whether to call her he or she because he or she doesn't exist. There is no cock or pussy on him or her. And bone structure is androgynous. You doesn't exist. There is no cock or pussy on him or her. And bone structure is androgynous.

You can't tell. Snowflake has the power to generate individual crystallized snowflake shaped shurikens. The connotation. All right. You know, call her cold bitch or some shit. Snowflake, dude. I would love it in the first issue. They just fucking got just mowed down with guns, you know, the word snowflake. And then they just fucking driveway just mowed down with guns you know the word snowflake and then they

just fucking drive away and go trump nation what's your name snowflake force field fucking say space right now are something fragile and this is a a character who is turning it into something sharp. Why do they always have that fucking music in the background of boring shit to make it more interesting? Listen to that shit. It's like something that would be in like a 90s movie where a guy was picking a safe. It's always that fucking music that they do with boring-ass shit.

I hate that. I don't like that i used to not i made a movie when i was i directed i wrote and directed a movie it's called almost when i was 23 years old nobody knows about that and it's a fucking straight up drama dude because your boy serious is fucking shit i'm serious as all get out okay i made it and it fucking went to one film festival and it's good as fuck all All right. You can't find it anywhere. And that's fine. It wasn't even about showing people to me.

It was about making it and the process. I loved it. All right. Anyway, um, I put no music in the movie cause I'm so sick. It's so annoying when people, you ever watch Grey's Anatomy and it's like,

what are we going to do? Blung-tang-bung-bang-kung-kang-kang-pang-kung-ting-kung-blink-a-pink. Blung-tang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang. We got him. Blung-pang-pang-pang-pang-pang. Oh, oh, we got a code red. Blung-pang-pang. Oh, but it's okay.

Oh, here comes his wife. Oh, she's frumpy. Give me back my husband. All that shit. Just make it the show, man. Although the music in that show, The Outsider, is fucking tripping. It's so good. Anyway, here we go.

And this is a character who is turning it it into something sharp snowflake is the person has the more offensive power and safe spaces god that's so fucking out of the book it's offensive it's a more offensive power just using all these buzzwords as the more defensive power the idea was that they would mirror each other and compliment each other. Snowflake and Safe Space are... It's just wonderful. It's so wonderful. And I don't say wonderful. But it's so fucking wonderful that they thought this was a good idea,

that this is where we're at in 2020, that they thought that this was a good idea to do this. Two white guys and the biggest funk company in the world. And then also, let's see these tweets here. Waiting for this. This is a parody. It has to be.

There's no way. This is. This is something that will be on fucking SNL. Like they would come to save the day. They'd be like, here comes safe space. And they're like, no, but really help me.

I'm dying. And he's like, well, I just want to make sure you're not offended. Somebody wrote, Robert writes, are they still in denial that the people they are trying to pander to don't buy comics and then someone writes back to him just because they won't talk to your sweaty ass at

the comic store doesn't mean they're not buying bobbert that's funny actually um oh this is hilarious some guy wrote safe spaces arch nemesis will be a villain called reality. Wow, that's funny. Good job, Moon Bob. Good job, Moon Bob 6. Yeah, but dude, like, just chill. When you become a big company, it's funny too, like, I'm not a big, big celebrity, you know, but I have a lot of followers and shit. And, like, when I tweet something that goes nuts and that gets viral, I get it.

Like, I get more hate. And that's just because more people are under the umbrella of seeing the shit and so you're just not going to please everyone like dude did you see that fucking video madonna did um where she was singing how she wanted fried fish to one of her old songs like this is something that madonna if she did it back in the 80s when there was no internet nobody would have seen it and people would have thought what the fuck on their own and then forgot about it but now it lives on the internet and people can hate madonna now i said once in my episode in one of my episodes like harrison ford people fucking there are people who hate harrison ford and you're like what remember him in the 80s you if you saw

somebody in the 80s or 90s they were just the shit period didn't matter who it was even even people who hated you would come up and be like oh my god can i have an autograph because they never saw a celebrity they would play they were big bitch asses when they'd see when they'd see you and now they're on the internet behind and by the way that the couch people are going to save the world during this pandemic but they're chilling and they're watching Madonna and they're like, fuck this. Look at this idiot. So out of touch. That's the same motherfucker that in the 80s would have walked up to her and asked for a fucking autograph.

Let's go eat some. She did this, though. Come on, go. First of all, she's singing into her hairbrush, which is like only people in movies do that. Have you ever actually sang into a hairbrush? If you have, then there's cameras around you and you're Jonathan Silverman. Okay?

If you have, then it's all good. I'm not upset about it, but it's nice to meet you, Jonathan Silverman. Okay? That's all. about it, but it's nice to meet you, Jonathan Silverman. Okay. That's all. But Madonna writes, living in special times, thank God for imagination and fried fish. Come on, go. Let's go eat some fried fish.

Let's go eat some fried fish. Okay. fried fish. Let's go eat some fried fish. Okay. She's also doing her background vocals. Okay. Come on, Vogue, I mean go. Oh, and then messes it up. Come on, Vogue, I mean go. Like, do another take.

She spun so hard and looked like she was going to fall down so bad. I mean go. She actually doubles over like almost falls. And that's when you can see in the mirror, she moves over to the mirror and you can see the guy holding the fucking light. And it's one of the lights that we use in this studio and my congratulations podcast. And that's so fucking hilarious that she has a lighting guy like this.

Well, she's like, come on, go get some fried fish. What the fuck is this? South Park? What's happening? Fried fish.

There's no more pasta. Oh, no. We're going to eat some fried fish. Also, what is the point? What do you mean there's no more pasta? So let's go eat some fried fish. What does she mean? Like, because she doesn't have it because of the fucking epidemic because of the pandemic how do you know that that's what

she means that it's like that that that's so that's so weird that's so weird huh you know what it is celebrities now that they have to be in and i'm talking about celebrities and not comedians, by the way, comedians seem to have this sort of, well, some comedians are fucking out of touch, but it feels like the safest thing to be online is a comedian because these singers and these people who are on, uh, social media, these actors who just like now are like, okay, let's wrap production. What do I do? I guess I'll just sing about fried fish in my bathroom. Get the lighting guy. Like, it's so weird. And also will lead to something like the fucking Gal Gadot thing, which is just.

Wow. Wait, hold on. This is the thing the thing hold on let me go back to the i what did i i think i tweeted it yeah i wrote this shit made me want to go to a crowded gal gado best of gal on twitter we are in this together we will get through this we will get through it together yeah that's the shit i don't like it's like yeah except for the people that die uh gal gado just posted a video of her and her other artists who are also quarantined because of the covet 19 singing imagined by john lennon on instagram or on instagram yeah so i tweeted this shit made me want to go to a crowd of dance club and kiss everyone meaning i want to get the coronavirus but dude look at this by the way let me just go on record some of these celebrities i i actually i really like and not that it matters i'm a fucking piece of shit but like a lot of these people on

on this I like I like Gal Gadot I like a lot of these people James Marsden is a fucking great guy Sarah Silverman is fucking hilarious she's the only one who seems to be on this fucking taking the piss out of it we love we love we love Sarah but um yeah it's just so weird that they did this

and that's fine it's so weird that they did that did this and it's fine that it's so weird that they did this and that's fine it's so weird that they did that did this and it's fine that it's so weird that they did this but guys you know people are face down in fucking ventilators and gal gadot's like i got it i i got it what happened Your cousin died and your family is out of work now because of this pandemic. Sit down. I got this. Let me call nine billionaires. Do we have a song for you? Hey guys, I got it. for you. Hey, guys, I got it. Chill.

Get Ashley Benson on the phone. You know what I mean? I love Ashley Benson, by the way. But it's still funny and it's okay and it's weird that they did it. Okay? Look at this. Imagine there's no heaven. John Lennon, dude.

You know? John Lennon is, obviously, he's been, he's dead. But he still went like this. Oh, damn. Imagine there's no heaven. Easy if you try. No hell below us. Above us only sky. Imagine all the people living for today.

But like, who's that guy? That guy sells pot. Dude, why are they doing this? It's weird to be that like, dude, people are fucking dying and out of work and being poor. And they're going to be on the streets because of this. And they're just in their mansions singing another song and also singing

badly. How could you, I don't, that's the whole thing. This goes back to my fucking way early episode i don't know what episode is on but dude if you're not a singer don't stare into the camera and sing for real and post it on instagram you look like a fucking asshole you look like a fucking asshole

these it's like you're just you're in you know what you are you're an instagram thought that's You look like a fucking asshole. It's like you're just, you know what you are? You're an Instagram thot. That's what you are. I don't care who you are in this motherfucker. Who are some of these people? I mean, some of these people are actual singers, I guess. And they sound like this guy.

That sounds good. I don't, I'm an idiot. I don world will live as one. That sounds good. I don't, I'm an idiot. I don't know who that is. Imagine no. At least this guy didn't even try. That guy from fucking Narcos and Game of Thrones. That's a handsome motherfucker, huh? Why is he wearing what Luke Perry would have worn in 90210?

Um. Ha ha ha ha ha. Imagine no possessions. Fuck, I wish they asked me to do it. Would have been so cool to be on the fucking in crowd. Not even joking. I probably would have fucking done it. That's how dumb I am.

I'd be like, oh, it probably also sounded like a good idea. No, I wouldn't have. I fucking wouldn't have done it. I would have been so bummed, too, because I would have been like, Gal Gadot got in touch with me through my manager, and she wants me to do what? Can we do anything? That was a mid-sentence. Fuck yeah, dude.

Anyway. How come I'm in a fucking group text with Nick Swarson and Whitney Cummings and Joe Rogan? They talk about the coronavirus. We talk about the coronavirus so much. And I sent them a picture of my kid and they didn't respond to it. Yes, it's all good.

I guess we're just talking about serious stuff. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's not a big deal. It's fine.

But at least say he looks fucking cute. Oh God. Um, um, anyway, I can't believe this shit about, uh, about that. They they did that i just celebrities left to their own devices without pr like they don't they can't be with their pr people to be your

people oh man i can't imagine trying to call but that's the thing that'll end up like gal gadot that'll be a positive for gal gadot in like two years i'll be like remember when you did that and you'll be like i know it was not so maybe the best idea but we did it you know and it was a bad idea but whatever i like music so and we'll be like oh because she's so fucking beautiful and a good actress she really is i think she's great um oh you know what it should have been dude imagine all the people and then imagine all the people jeremy renner i got this with his sunglasses on fuck yeah dude jeremy renner make one by yourself i'm gonna do one by myself. Imagine all the... How does it start? Living out of poverty.

You can imagine all the people on the street and without any possessions. You can imagine them when they're not cold or hot. Imagine that they're all the regular 72 degree temperature. Nobody is uncomfortable. And all of them have stuff to eat. And no kids are dying or adults are dying. And most importantly, nobody is dying. Dude.

John Travolta, what's his fucking name? John Lennon is in his grave saying yes right now. John Travolta? What the fuck? Do I have a brain tumor? Fucking if I do, whatever, bro. It's about busting and cum coming and sucking and fucking and drinking coffee hey mom i'm saving the world i'm on the couch it's all good do you have any decitin

ma if you're going to are you still here fuck my phone's too far away i think she already to... Are you still here? Fuck, my phone's too far away. I think she already left. No, I'm still here, Derek. Okay, can you get... I know until you get... Until you get Funyuns. Can you get Desitin?

For what? I haven't gotten up off the couch. I got rash. I need to put a healthy amount of Desitin on my ass It's red probably Imagine Dude I like the guy who goes

I forget who does it but I like the guy who goes Imagine all the people Try to put a fucking rock element into it Dude I'm rock and roll I'm rock and roll did you guys know and roll. Did you guys know that? I put fucking Ajax in his face. That's hilarious. What if you put Ajax in his face

and it started to burn his eyes and then I just go like, do-do-do-do-do, chill, chill. I got it. Imagine all the people standing by a train. Ooh-hoo. Or however it goes.

I know zero of those words except for the word imagine um and it's all good one fire said he was going to text me when to do when to do fucking ads any oh he did already fucking three minutes ago cool whoops and he did yes but he's texting me on a text chain and i personally ow let's do the fucking second ads, bitches. I got more stuff to talk about after that. Where is it, dude?

We're flying by the seat of our pants, man. So anyway, yeah. Boy, do I have an announcement coming up for you in about a month? It's going to be so awesome. It's going to break the internet.

Can't wait. Joining forces with someone. That's all I'm going to say, but it's so cool. And I know you're barely listening to me at this point because it's after the ads, but dude, it's actually so frigging cool. Where's my timer? I don't know. I had a timer and now I don't know where it is and that's fine, but I don't know how long I've been going and that's fine. About an hour. I think it's been about an hour. And that's fine. About an hour.

I think it's been about an hour. How long has it been? I'm going to ask one fire on text. How long has it been? How long have I been going? This is why you turn in. Tune in to these shits. Because I don't cut the shit out.

I don't edit stuff. I just ask how long I've been going. and you guys are with me during that time. Now, do I look the same color as my gray sweater? Yes. Do I need a tan? Yes. Am I going to get one? Probably not.

Can I easily just go outside? Yes. Will I know, but will it still be fine? Yes. Yes, my skin won't look like leather when I'm later on in life. Yes. It's all good my babies uh there's one more thing that i want to maybe talk about before i even go uh into this uh this is the best the the the the spring breakers florida spring breakers dr dana grayson tweeted if i get well she was just

tweeting about this basically letting people know and i retweeted it but these kids on spring break this was like days after they told people that it was a bad bad thing these fucking idiots dude i get corona i get corona at the end of the day i'm not gonna let it stop me from partying you know i've been waiting we've been waiting waiting for Miami spring break for a while, but I mean, dude, okay, fine. But also this isn't about you. And I don't expect you to know that, but I'm just telling you, you're going to spread it and people are going to die. I'm not done with that sentence. You fucking idiot. Okay. Now I now i am um also the guy who's saying it is so the guy who would be saying it i can't believe it it's so crazy months we've had this

trip planned two three months we're not even having a good time whatever happens happens whatever happens happens people die people die look at this girl this idiot. My spring break. I hate when people say this, but how privileged. What is there to do here other than go to the bars or the beach? And they're closing all of it. It's really messed up. I think they're blowing it way out of proportion. I think it's doing way too much. Doing us bad.

We need a refund. This virus ain't that serious. It's serious. It's more serious things out there like hunger. It's more serious things out there. That's the best. One time I was on the road with my friend Jason Collings, and we asked a security guard where there's a Starbucks

because the Starbucks we were close to is closed. And we said, hey, do you know where there's a Starbucks? And he said, it's another Starbucks down the block. And we never stopped saying it. It's another Starbucks. Starbucks. Starbucks. It's another Starbucks a few blocks down. It's another Starbucks, Starbucks. Starbucks. It's another Starbucks a few blocks down.

It's another Starbucks, dude. What's wrong with theirs? Even the fucking subtitles on this fixed it. They wrote, there's more serious things out there. And he wrote, it's more serious things out there. It's more serious things out there like hunger and poverty. We need to address that. I love the guy in the back yes sir the cronies dude long time ago and it was kind of up in the air if we still go but like we're here i just turned 21 this year

so i'm here to party so how does she sound like that that's the most annoying voice in the fucking world dude imagine dating that girl i don't know i just feel like if we watch the last the if we watch it you know now if we start watching it now i'd rather just wait till it's all done and then we can stream it every episode each after another this way you don't have to wait every sunday to watch it That's some shit she'd say. Why can't we just wait until Game of Thrones is over completely and then we can just stream it all together? This way we can watch it whenever we want to and we don't have to wait every Sunday. How did she make every word sound the same?

She's basically the fucking, she's making every word rhyme. She's like the female Eminem. This girl missed her calling, dude. She should rhyme orange with door hinge. Sorry, we need to adjust that. Yeah, I mean, we planned this a long time ago, and it was kind of up in the air. Yeah, I mean, we planned this a long time ago, and it was kind of up in the air. It was still like that going, but when I hear it, it's turning on this year, and I'm like at a party. Every fucking syllable is the same.

I, I, I, I, I, I, and I'm at a I, I, I, I, and I'm at a my, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I beach's daughter dude this is king speech's daughter god i'm the biggest fucking idiot on the earth i can't believe you listen to this fucking podcast it's so fucking stupid and we fucking keep going dude and we won't stop i got a little tousle of hair that went in front of my fucking face when i said that and that's so goddamn sexy man imagine me on top of you and we're fucking doing it and you could be male or female this isn't about fucking gay or straight I don't give a shit fantasize about me right now me on top of you and it's sweaty and it feels real good and I'm doing slow swoop down moves dude I don't do fucking bang it a bang it a bang it I don't fuck like that in fact I never fucked I only made love

even with hookers never had one but I'm just saying if i were going to i would make love i don't care if i have to pay you afterwards i don't fuck it's you know what it is dude it's so fucking sensational it really is okay so imagine me on top my shoulders did they shoot Brokeback Mountain on the back of them maybe it was a long time ago and my shoulders weren't as beefy but you guarantee if they made a sequel they would be back there right now and imagine me on top of you and sweats dripping and it's all good and whether you're a male or female let's say you're a male I don't give a fuck we're still you know I never understood really how gay guys could do it not doggy style because it's kind of weird to me if the guy's on his back and the other guys on top of him and then that guy's kind of dick is just like flopping around or whatever i don't know

does he jerk off or do you do it hey dude i don't know but if you want real shit listen to npr but if you want the really real shit stay tuned my babies because this is the shit that npr should be talking about when gay guys fuck not doggy style is the guy on the bottom's dick flopping around it's all i want to know okay but my point is i lost my train of thought i lost my train of thought i lost my train of thought oh yeah i got it i'm sexy because if i'm on top of you and if you're a fucking dude let's say your name's hank or whatever and i thought oh yeah i got it i'm sexy because if i'm on top of you and if you're a fucking dude let's say your name's hank or whatever and i'm on top of you and your dick flopping around and i'm doing those slow controlled swoop down movements right i don't want to say

i'm known for but i i know i do them and then all of a sudden my fucking wisp of hair goes in front of my eyes that's it dude splur everywhere. Everybody's splurting everywhere. Even people that aren't involved in the sex come in and they go, whoa. And they start splurting and slipping and falling and hurting their tailbones. Because that's what happens, dude. Girls and guys. And then Jeremy Renner comes in and goes, oh, my God. Sensational. Sensational. sensational sensational i'm a dj dude these djs are doing live streams on instagram because of the pandemic dude not fun the whole fucking dude it's not. If it's, at least if you're one of those guys that fucking likes to unce it out, at least

fucking do it there and take Molly and be like, oh, I love when the beat, I can feel the beat. I can feel the beat. Dude, imagine being at home watching fucking Mighty Mouse or whatever the fuck his name is on the shit. Does he still wear his thing? Minnie Mouse? The fuck is that guy's name

Mouse DJ head dad bounce dead mouse dude dead mouse oh but like we're here I just turned 21 this year so I'm here to party so it's kind of disappointing but we're just making the most of it we met these other people in our little airbnb spot so we're just hanging out with them worst story ever dude that's a fucking grenade dude that fucking shit right there come on i just I just turned 21 this year, so I'm here to party. So it's kind of disappointing, but we're just making the most of it. We met these other people in our little Airbnb spot.

So we're just hanging out with them and trying to get drunk before everything closes. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ah. Ah. That's a fucking ah grenade. Dude, you knew I was going to do an ah grenade. You knew it was only a matter of time, dude. Anyway, how does she fucking rhyme?

She's the female M&M, dude. Yeah, I mean, we planned this a long time ago and it was fun up in there. Yeah, I mean, we planned this a long time ago, and it was fun up in the air. Yeah, I mean, we planned this a long time ago. I mean, we planned this a long time ago, and it was kind of up in the air. If we were still going, but like, we're still, I just turned 21 this year. So, I mean, the party is kind of disappointing. But we're just making the most of it. People in our little Airbnb spot, so we're just hanging out with them and trying to get drunk before everything class

oh shit dude i'm dripping so fucking hard man it is so sweaty and hot in here um uh what's the deal with this shit dude i think i did more than fucking enough probably um i'm gonna finish up here that's it dude i had a good time with you guys i just can't just stay inside dude Just stay inside for at least a few weeks. Uh, let me get this thing here. I need my fucking email up. God damn it.

I need, Oh, there's my timer. I need my email up. Gmail. Uh, that's fine. It is what it is. I need my email up. Gmail. That's fine. It is what it is.

Oh, did he fucking email it to me, dude? Okay, that's it. That's it, guys. Thanks for listening. You know, it's not important the last fucking 20 seconds of what I just did, but you guys stuck with me because you guys are the shit and you guys are the real babies, and I love you guys. I probably don't love some of you,

but some of you I might love. I don't, I mean, honestly, I don't know many of you. I don't know. I don't know about a few of you, but text me at 818-239-7087. Support the show by,

oh, I think it's all done. Did you get those Delia Callan crewnecks? Those are all done, but the Life Rips things are back in stock. You can go check those out and get them. And subscribe to the YouTube channel. That really helps.

But you guys are great. Thank you very much. I moved a lot of these dates. Like, Rona Park moved to, I think, I don't know, the summer. And West Palm Beach moved to the summer. So go check it out. August are the new Las Vegas dates. But you guys are great.

Sorry everything's been canceled or just postponed. But thank you very much for everything. And, my babies, we did it. That's our second fucking quarantine episode. You guys rock, my babies. Congratulations. That's right, my babies. Congratulations! Congratulations!