Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 166. Religious Murphy Lee

Episode Date: March 31, 2020

Chris just turned 40, happy birthday, Chris! Topics today include: Tiger King, the Apple TV remote, televangelist Kenneth Copeland destroying coronavirus, Akon's real name, and how people need to stay the fuck at home. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hello everyone welcome to Congratulations episode 166. That's right, yep, that's right. It's episode 166 and we're finally here at 166. Always wondered when we'd be back, be up to 166. Dude, you know what I'm thinking right now, which is the best part of this whole thing for me, is remember a few episodes ago, I thought the left input of my ear was not able to hear stuff and then one fire said to me no you have a hearing problem on live while we were doing the fucking podcast and i go like this well that's interesting because i was offended

and then i and then i decided you know what maybe i do have an ear problem but what i didn't do was and this is just for the fucking real motherfuckers that are true to this podcast I fucking go like this with the headphones and I just switched them like this and now I can't hear out of my right ear so fucking we did deductive we use deductive reasoning dude and guess what it's not my ears it's definitely

the fucking headphones and I knew it all along and I did the thing where I was like you know what maybe I'm you know I second guess on myself but all along dude I was like, you know what? Maybe I'm a second guess on myself. But all along, dude, I was fucking right, man. I was... And that is fucking... That's fucking amazing, dude.

That makes me feel so good. Because I actually thought I was deaf for a little bit and I thought I needed to go to the fucking doctor and get my ears squeegeed out again or whatever the fuck they call it, dude. He put water in my ear, saline or whatever in my ear, and we held it there for a while and then I dumped it out and it looked like someone took a shit in a fucking bowl. Anyway, so it's episode 166 and we're here and you know what? I'm tired, dude. And this is the second week of the fucking quarantine, third week the quarantine whatever nobody's here i'm here solo i'm doing it responsible people who have podcasts man unless you've got a big fucking table and i'm talking

about a big table like bruce wayne style shit don't be fucking having guests don't be sitting on a couch with another guest and sharing a microphone don't do that shit just kick it this is why your boy had a solo podcast just in case armageddon was coming and armageddon was coming out you know and armageddon came and i watched armageddon the other day by the way and um it's cool i remember when i first saw armageddon i wasn't sure about ben affleck about how if he was handsome or not and then i went back and i saw armageddon like two days ago and i saw him and i was like oh he was fucking handsome as all get out. And dude, I don't think I was being a hater to be brutally honest with you guys.

I don't think I was being a hater. He was a little bit older. He's a little bit older than me. But I remember the girls in my high school were like, oh, Ben Affleck is so hot. And I'm like, yeah, he's okay. You know, he's kind of regular looking. But I don't think I was being a hater. I think I just fucking my taste, you know, my taste just fucking kind of got better as I got older with guys. It's episode 166 now.

I want to start out by saying, dude, we got two more weeks left until my Netflix special comes out. So get that in your queue. It's coming up April 14th. It's called No Pain, Chris D'Elia's comedy special hour. And you got to get that on. It's good. Are y'all done watching all the other shit you've been watching? You done watching Bert Kreischer's special?

You done watching Tom Segura's special? You done watching Tiger King? You done watching all those things? Because No Pain's coming April 14th. And I'm really excited man i know i said it before but it's definitely definitely my best special or taping anything that i've done uh and i'm really happy about it and i'm so excited that it uh is the most recent one that's going to be out because who knows when i'll fucking do another one because of this coronavirus um just got nervous because i said coronavirus because i thought maybe in my head i was like because here's the deal when i do the ads i'm

not supposed to say coronavirus and i said coronavirus right now and my heart skipped a beat because i thought maybe it was an ad yes it's okay though dude it's okay because it's just my podcast um one fire and Ivan get rid of are operating remotely dude they're not even close to me so I can say whatever I want this time I mean I say what I want no matter what but this time even more so I'm rolling

on my dolo dude what does it mean I don't know rolling my dolo Tupac said but um yeah so my Netflix special is coming out I'm excited about it the trailer drops really soon you guys are fucking gonna be able to hear and see that and all that on fucking netflix is a joke comedy and all that stuff i got my iced americano are you guys staying inside dude stay the fuck inside for real i'm getting pissed the fuck off when i see people at the beach

i'm getting pissed the fuck off when i see people at farmer's mark market i'm getting pissed the fuck off when i see people at the beach i'm getting pissed the fuck off when i see people at farmer's market market i'm getting pissed the fuck off when i see more than four people together man i'm getting pissed off when i see three people together man just stay in your fucking house it's annoying as fuck that i'm doing my part bro i went to get uh a coffee because i wanted a coffee. I went in, boom, and I came out. That shit was like Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible. I just fucking, it was like when he fucking

and catches himself right before the fucking, when he does this shit, right before he hits the ground and then catches his sweat because if the heat rises too much, then guess what? My baby's, he gets caught.

Dude, when he caught his sweat, I was fucking 17. When he caught his sweat, I go, all right, Ethan hunts that dope. Um,

any, any, and, uh, so that was how I am. When I go to the fucking coffee bean i go in and i got my mask on dude and they say don't wear a mask if you're not infected but they also say act like you have it so which one is it dude

i'm either acting like i'm having it or i don't have it or what's the deal don't wear a mask only wear a mask if you have it they say only the only time a mask helps is if you have it and then they say if you're going anywhere and they say so don't wear a mask only only wear a mask if you have it because that's when it helps it doesn't help when you don't wear it when you when you wear a mask you don't have it so don't not have it and wear a mask. And then they say to be safe, act like you have it. Okay. Mask on dude. Mask on. So I wear the mask. I don't have gloves. My buddy Craig has gloves. I'm jealous. And I go in and I don't touch anything, bro. I don't touch anything. I stay six to 10 feet away from people. When a guy walks by me and there's a small opening, I go like this.

I'm like a ninja. I'll pace it up against the wall. I'll pace it up against the wall. And I was at the – and I don't want to be a dick. I don't want to be shitty and stuff like that because when I went to get the coffee because i needed the coffee because i needed to fucking be alive i thought i was going to do my podcast and i didn't because i didn't i forgot to recharge the battery on the fucking camera but this is how it goes when you're rolling on your dolo and uh and so i went to go get it and i was there and everything was moving really fucking smooth and the girl was making the coffee before and i thought she was making

my coffee and she had her hand all up in the thing, just doing the thing. And I was like, dude, what is this fucking girl doing? Is she joking? And I was like, I'm going to ask her for another one. And then she put it on the thing, and another guy took it, and I was like, this dude is playing Russian roulette with this lady's hands. And then she made my coffee, and the other girl made my

coffee and didn't even barely touch it. And I was just like rolling on my dolo. And I took the fucking coffee and the other girl made my coffee and didn't even barely touch it. And I was just like rolling on my dolo. And I took the fucking coffee and I took a straw. She was like, would you like a straw? And I go like this. I'll get it. And I got it. And I unwrapped it without even touching it.

Popped it in the thing. Got the disinfectant wipes. Stroked off my cup like that with disinfectant wipes. You know, I did it like this. I stroked it off. And then I started sucking on it. I was stroking it off with disinfectant wipes you know i did it like this i stroked it off and then i started sucking on it i was stroking it off with disinfectant wipes i took the disinfectant wipes and i was stroking it off on the coffee and then i started sucking this strong when you're drinking iced coffee in an

americano and the coronavirus is around it's like you're sucking cock and you could fucking put that in my goddamn tombstone because you're doing the twisty hand thing. By the way, girls, do the twisty hand thing. Anyway, we're not talking about that. This is about the coronavirus. But my point is when I am outside, I'm rolling on my dolo and I'm fucking. And so and then when I got my my thing, a fucking homeless guy came in and I don't like to I don't like to be like that. I don't like to make fun of the homeless. I understand

that it's a real fucking... Talk about an epidemic, you know? And it sucks. And he came in and in my head, out... My face was cool, dude. My face was just regular cool. Like I had my poker face going on just chill. But in my head, I go like...

The real me goes like this. Oh, for fuck's sake. We're all getting it. Do you know what I mean? i go like in my the real me goes like this oh for fuck's sake we're all getting it do you know what i mean the guy comes in with the long beard holding seven blankets and i and i go like this oh okay well for fuck's sake we're all getting it my face is cool my face looks like i'm ready for war but in a relaxed state you know like i'm ready for war and you know what my face looks like? We're ready for war. And the sides are equal. Do you understand?

And we're like, okay, well, we'll see how this goes. But on the inside, I go like this. Well, we're ready for war. But really, we have 20% of what the other army has. And I go like this. Okay, well, we're all going to get it. And then I felt bad that I felt like he was going to. And then I had to leave.

And he was like in the doorway a little bit. And I was like trying to eke out, sucking cock on my ass americano. It was just all fucked up. And then I stood outside and there was a Persian guy with his doors open of his Range Rover and it was playing this music that was so Persian and just – I don't even know if he was Persian or not. Whatever the language was that the music was playing. It was so awful and also so loud. Like, don't. Oh, thank you.

I should have walked out and said, thank you for the music, dude. Thank you very much. They all had masks on and fucking gloves on. There were three of them anyway. And then some guy came out and thought it was funny and was like, hey, you want a mask? You want to buy a mask for $14?

And I was like, I don't do these jokes, bro. Anyway, I don't think I have the fucking coronavirus. It's real out there though, man. It's just fucked everyone's getting it chris cuomo got it my buddy michael yo got it that's just brutal that dude saw

the devil it looked like um he put up an instagram that was just made me fucking sad, dude. Like, let me see if I can put it up. But he got the coronavirus. And, okay, the page isn't available, even though it is available, and I know it is because I follow AMA. Yes!

Dude. I'll put it on my phone. But, man, he just fucking... Here, listen to this. Hey, what's up? It's me. First off, I want to say thank you to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers.

Sweetest guy I know. I'm at home now self quarantine was at the hospital for 8 days a lot of people asked me what happened so basically I went to the hospital I had pneumonia

and corona at the same time really did the fucking one-two. Really slapped it. I would have said Corona first just to get out of the way. But this dude had a one-two punch. That's the friendly combo right there.

Yeah. So, man, it was scary. Like when I checked in, the doctor said, this is going to go good fast or this is going to go really bad fast. And they let you know right away when you check in, you're not going to see your fast or this is going to go really bad fast. And, you know, they let you know right away. When you check in, you're not going to see your family. That's fucked up. So no matter what happens, you're not seeing your family

because they don't have enough equipment. And it's just too contagious. So, you know, it was a rough couple nights. But I made it through. I appreciate all the, uh, the love, the prayers, man, meant a lot to all the people that, uh, you know, while I'm in the hospital getting better, I was looking at the, uh, ring cam and I saw a bunch of friends drop off stuff at the house for my family and that meant so much.

So sweet. It meant so much. I feel bad I didn't know. To all my comedian friends for reaching out. Okay, I did that. While I'm laid up in the hospital sending me corona jokes. I did do that. I loved it. One was so funny, I spit up blood.

I literally spit up blood. And then I was like, yo, that's what's up. You know, we got to keep laughing. No matter how bad it gets, we got to keep laughing. That's true. I do believe that. I made it through so far. It's all good. But

I just want you to know the people that are dying in the hospital, man. I don't care what you're reading. I was in there around people like that. And to die alone. They don't have family in there, man. They can't. They don't have family in there, man.

They can't. And you're going to hear stories where nurses are surrounded. And the nurses and the first responders, man, you guys are amazing. You're risking your life for us. You know, but I'm reading all the stories. I'm seeing all these stories of people dying. And I know when I was in there, they were like, yo, if it goes bad, you're not going to see anybody.

You know, so just remember those people. You know, I made it, you know. But we need to shift the attention to the people that need the help and gotta die alone. Please stay safe. And thank you for all the support. Appreciate you. Show him some love on his Instagram or something.

I think it'll probably make him feel better, too. The guy's family. I have a question for you. Then there was this. So we have a lot of very angry media all around this room, and they want one of these seats. But because of social distancing, we are keeping them empty.

And they are keeping them empty. Will there ever be a time when all of those really angry, angry people who don't like me much to start off with, but now they really don't like me, will there ever be a time when all of those really angry, angry people who don't like me much to start off with, but now they really don't like me. Will there ever be a time when these seats are full, like full to the brim like it used to be, where people are almost sitting on each other's lap? And this whole row over here is packed. And now they're outside wanting to get in, and they're very jealous of all of these reporters. Will we ever have that again?

Or is that something that... Like, people are just dying, you know? And this guy's making it about him. And they're all very jealous because they can't come into my thing. Remember when he was talking about ratings? Hey, my fucking thing is so rated so highly. My press conferences are rated so highly.

Like, we're tuning in fucking... We're tuning in because it's the coronavirus. By the way, this guy is actively using this to fucking campaign on his next year. He's got TV coverage every day about this corona shit, and he's just using it to fucking try and get elected next year again.

That's fucking crazy, dude. But at least there's a cure. There's a cure. Did you know that? There's a cure for the coronavirus. It's these two fucking assholes. Oh, thank you, Jesus. Standing in the office.

Office. Of the prophet of God. Nope. I execute judgment on you, COVID-19. Ah, shut up, dude. I execute judgment on you, Satan. You destroyer. You killer.

How fucking boring is this guy at Thanksgiving? You get out. The other guy, dude. The other guy is like waiting to talk and he's just going like this. Doing nothing. He looks like he's trying to fucking guess what floor he's on in the elevator. We break your power. You get off this nation.

I demand judgment on you. So insecure, the guy on this nation. I demand judgment on you. So insecure, the guy on the right. I demand, I demand a vaccination. I demand, I demand a vaccination to come immediately. Oh, coming, busting a nut. I call you done. I call you done. I call you done. I call you done. I call you done gone.

Oh, oh, oh. You come down. Talking to this kid upstairs. You come down and you crawl on your belly. Like God commanded you. Getting carried away with it. Put his foot on your head. Getting commanded you when he put his foot on your head. Getting carried away with it.

You will destroy through COVID-19. No more. No more. No more. Oh, his hype man, dude. No more. This guy's like fucking,

what's his name? Finished. Oh, the hype man. Not adding to it. Over. And the United States of America is healed and well. So there's a cure. Again.

Good. This fucking asshole has a cure, dude. The other guy, this is like fucking the other guy, what's his name? Who's that guy who sings? Who's that guy who goes, I don't need no fucking hook on this beat.

And that's the hook. What's that song? I don't need no fucking hook on this beat is Nelly. What was this fucking Nelly's? God damn it. Nelly's a sidekick, a hype man. God damn it. Really ruining the fucking joke.

What's his name? I don't need no fucking hook on this beat. Saint Lunatic. The Saint Lunatics. Who were the Saint Lunatics? God damn, I'm ruining this so far, but so hard, but I don't care. Nelly's Saint Lunatics. Who are the Saint?

God damn it. St. Lunatics, you know? How stupid is that fucking name? I don't need no fucking hook on this beat. You guys, some of you guys know who it is, and I'm getting pissed off. Something with an M. I don't need no hook on this beat. Who is it?

Please. Here we go. Murphy Lee. Murphy Lee. Murphy Lee, dude. That guy's Murphy Lee, the guy in the fucking other way. There's Nelly and Murphy Lee, the religious version. You will destroy

through COVID-19. No more! He just goes, you will destroy through COVID-19, and the guy murphy league religious murphy league goes covet 19 and he says no more he says no more insecure dude i don't need no fucking hook on this beat remember that song yo check it out this is your dirty nullie broadcasting live from dirty ent Yo, we got a special event for y'all tonight. Y'all about to see something that ain't never, ever, ever

been done before. So 2008. Okay, you know. Remember this song, dude? People in St. Louis would just fuck. Of course, it's not playing now. Cool. Yay. Alright, well, I don't know why it's not playing now, but it's not playing. So no more. No more.

Wow, dude. This is the thing that like when they say like old white men, they're a problem. And then I want to be like, ah, shut the fuck up, dude. Everyone's a problem. Everyone's a problem. If you put anybody in power, they're the problem because they're going to abuse it what's that whole thing fucking power destroys but absolute power destroys absolutely or whatever it is butchered it so hard oh well you know what i'm talking about

my point is i i want to be on white guy's sides because i'm a white guy and then these fucking guys come up and they're just like these pastors are so funny. They're so passionate about fucking absolutely nothing. They're passionate about something that straight up doesn't work. Like, what is everybody going to say now? When they're like, okay, but people are still dying. Chris Cuomo got it. Fuck, Chris Cuomo is religious as shit. These guys on March fucking 29th.

No more. COVID no more. When God stands on your head. And then Chris Cuomo fucking March 31st. Got it. Coronavirus no more. March 29th. March 31st. Chris cuomo hey got coronavirus

coronavirus goes like this to chris cuomo let's get after it when chris cuomo starts his fucking dude chris cuomo is so aggressive he starts his fucking show so aggressive he goes let's get after it like dude it's a fucking new show you know that's hilarious let's get after it. Like, dude, it's a fucking news show, you know? That's hilarious. Let's get after it. So anyway, this happened. That's what he does, dude. Let's get after it.

So anyway, these are the things that happened. That's hilarious. Are y'all fucking ready to talk about what just happened? Let's fucking do this. This happened five minutes ago. I'm Chris Cuomo. Let's get after it. The president said something.

He's jacked, dude. Let me tell you something. Chris Cuomo is jacked as fuck. And let me tell you something. If coronavirus can get him, we're all fucked. Because that dude, he looks like he bench presses fucking Anthony Cuomo. How insecure is Trump about Anthony Cuomo too? When he fucking said the thing about how Andrew Cuomo whoops Andrew Cuomo

what did I say Anthony Cuomo it's because I like to make people who look Italian so much more Italian what fucking Anthony Cuomini and Andrew Cuomo there's a third brother so anyway

Trump was like gave it's just so crazy that trump gave florida everything they needed and not new york everything they needed and blamed new york for not be for for for asking for too much and not using the ventilators that they already have that's so crazy to be like you don't need more ventilators you're not using the one get the people on the fucking make people die more I'll give them to Florida because they need them because they're all fucking at St. John's fucking each other and sucking um anyway

I don't need no fucking hook on this beat everybody's asking me to talk about Tiger King and it's all good it's all good. It's all good. Tiger King is pretty wild. I don't even really know what to say about it. Tiger King is one of those things that speak for itself.

Let me actually do these ads first and then I can do – talk about that. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies. Celebrate good times. So anyway, I watched Tiger King. And it was about Theo. Because that guy, if I had to pick any friend that it looks like, it's Theo. People are like, oh, fucking David Spade played him in fucking, what do you call it? Joe Dirt.

And I'm just like, no. Theo Vaughn is him though, period. And so I saw Tiger King. And everyone on Tiger King, I have a question for you. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're morons. Everyone. Every single fucking person on Tiger King is a goddamn moron.

And yeah, it's funny. And oh yeah, watch the show. And can you believe it? And at arm's length, you're like, wow, that's amazing, that life. But those people that are living that life, they're in this world. You could bump into them. And that's a problem because those people are fucking idiots. Everyone write down to it from fucking the Tiger King to the other dude who wore the bandana and the hat by the way wear one headpiece especially if you're white

why does everyone in the movie too in the shows they all like look like they would jerk off outside of affliction just staring in the fucking front store. Storefront. Just jerking off at the new affliction designs. Oh, I can't wait till I come out with the... Affliction is the worst fucking clothing of all time, by the way. It's so bad. Why do you need to have tattoos on your fucking shirt? Why can't you just have them on your body? Everything that Affliction ever made,

it looks like it was a tattoo put on a shirt of and of like my tattoo is like it'll be like an eagle on fire with the word affliction over it or some fucking dragon god that guy how about the guy who was like the big potato with the long hair that was just like, why do, how come everybody, why, why does everybody who have tigers want to fuck as many people around them? What is that about? Everyone there is like,

well, I have, I roll around with that fucking big potato guy that his, his beard was, his goatee was white and he had the long hair and he, he told the documentary crew cut once. He was like, and that's how it is. Cut.

I think we got it. That long potato fucking guy, he just was like, well, I have five girls that just follow me around. Why do they all? Just be a cult leader. What's with the tigers? These guys are like, one get tigers step two fuck all the girls no except for the tiger king guy was just like making straight dudes fuck them trying to pretend like they the

married two straight dudes and fucked them and shit and they were just like i'm not gay i don't know i just fucking how how fucking dumb do you have to be to let a guy if you're not gay make you be like ah fuck it i'll marry him and just fuck him for a bunch of years when the guy showed up when his husband his first husband showed up and they did the fucking floating head of him just interviewing him and he had no fucking shirt on the directors must have been like a pig and shit when that happened if that happened to me i would have been like okay let's get the guy and he was like all right where you want to go and i'll be like oh cool you want to get dressed and he'd be like what do you mean i'll be like oh no never

mind no sit down go ahead shirt off that's fine hair all over his body i feel kind of bad for some of these guys like that guy i feel kind of bad for but just how stupid do you have to be to be not gay but marry a guy and let him fuck you for nine years how dumb is that dude i mean i'm straight what would have to go down for me to fucking let a guy rail me for nine years? What would have to go down? I'd have to be in prison. I said a long time ago, people are like, oh, how long? You know, sometimes you talk to your friends. How long would it take for you to start fucking guys? What would it take if you were in,

what would it take for you? What would it take me to be in prison for eight days, eight fucking days? That's it. That's how long a week goes by. And I'm like, all right, I guess I got to fuck them. I got to, I got to fuck guys. What this was a deal for how long, how long to, would I have to be in jail for? Like if I was going to get out in a year, I could probably go a year without doing it. But if I was going to be in jail for three years, eight days, eight days, it would take for me to fuck guys.

And then two years later I get out and they'd be like, what happened? I'd be like, eight days lasted, fucked a bunch of guys. Now let's go get these chicks. That's how it would be for me. But to just straight up be like,

okay, I'll marry a guy because of his tigers, even though I'm straight and let him fuck me for nine years. Just insane. I thought it's so weird that these guys just want to get these tigers. And then the guy at the end with the affliction shirt and the two hats was just like, well, I got her pregnant and we're going to get a nanny. And guess what?

And shows her the picture of the nanny and the nanny looks like a fucking girl that would be on TikTok. And you're just like, what? She's just like, and he's like, I got to pick the nanny. He's just going to fuck the nanny looks like a fucking girl that would be on tiktok and you're just like what she's just like and he's like i got to pick the nanny he's just gonna fuck the nanny while his girl's pregnant and then he's like we're gonna pop this baby out of her and then then we're gonna get her in the gym oh the toxicity in our city in our city and or said hey eh seh toxic masculinity and I don't even believe in that dumb shit

anytime a guy coughs somebody's like that's toxic masculinity nowadays you know what thank god for the fucking coronavirus at least people aren't

getting fucking cancelled anymore for bullshit for just like farting I swear to god dude I'm not even gonna mention mention it, but one of my buddies got fucking outed for some shit and then the coronavirus happened and everyone forgot about that. That dude's like, hell yeah.

He's like, a bunch of tens of thousands of people died. That's fine, but at least I get to fucking do a deal now. The toxicity in our city, in our city. Unbelievable, dude. toxicity in our city in our city unbelievable dude that shit made me laugh dude about the tiger king when he was just like gonna get the best part about tiger king though and if you fucking tell me this is wrong go fuck yourself we don't get along the best thing in tiger king first of all the second best thing in tiger king was when he was at the funeral when his when his when his one of his

husbands died and he started talking about how the dead guy would put his balls in his face whenever he needed and that's why he loved them and shit that was the second best but the best part was when he was like okay now hit it and then started singing his terrible country music oh i mean imagine your friend dies imagine your lover dies and you're like oh man missed him so much i miss him so much he was so him so much. He was so great. Anytime I was down, he'd put his balls in my face. Hit it. It's not unusual to be mad at anyone. Oh.

Yeah, man. I just got to tell you. We all miss him. And it sucks. He was a real stand-up guy. Meaning he'd stand up and put his balls over my eyes whenever i wanted hey it's not unusual to be uh god i miss my wife used to fuck her gash hit it it's not unusual to be bloody what he bought. Oh, man. I can't believe my wife is gone.

It's so sad. Favorite thing about it was when she used to kiss my asshole. Hit it. Holy shit. Favorite thing about it was when she used to pee on me. It's not unusual to pee on you, anyone. I keep forgetting I'm not in love anymore. Wow, I'm losing my mind.

Nobody's in this room. Woo-hoo! Dude, that's the best part of Tiger King, man. Oh, man. Missed my husband. He used to fuck my butt. Here we go. One and a two and a three.

It's not unusual. Dude, when people get mad at me for milking jokes, go fuck yourself. I'll do it. I'll do this whole episode to the end. I'll do different fucking things. Oh, I used to love when he used to fucking blast in my mouth. Hit it. It's not unusual! My favorite is when he used to bukkake me.

A one and a two and a three. I keep forgetting it's not in love anymore. Just fucking. I miss my husband He used to suck my cock Oh Akon comes out Convict music

Found out Akon's real name Do you guys know Akon's real name? Did I talk about this on the podcast? I've made so much fun of Akon's real name. Do you guys know Akon's real name? Did I talk about this on the podcast? I've made so much fun of Akon on my podcast. For some reason, I made up that he was four feet tall because that's why he sounds like this when he sings, but his real name is Alianu

Damala Boga Time Peru Nakalululu Barara Akon Tiam. Ah! Too many names that's crazy dude and you can't cancel me for being racist because the coronavirus alienate damala bogo time peru knockout lulara, Akon, TM. It's hilarious that he chose fucking Akon out of that, you know? Akon's like the most...

What would you like it to be? Like, what's wrong with Tomei or Peru or Naka or Lululu or Badara, Akon? Clan Vita Music! Wow, dude. So Tiger King, dude. convict music wow dude so tiger king dude amazing it's good you know if i had watched it though two weeks after i watched it i would have been like what's all the fuss about that's the thing that sucks about this every time that fucking someone says you gotta see this you gotta see this you gotta see this you gotta see this you gotta see this and then you fucking watch it you're like okay yeah it's good but why is everybody flipping out about it but if i had seen tiger king on my own without anybody fucking telling me about it that would have been i would have been

like oh you gotta fucking see this and i would have shouted it from the rooftop tiger king just sounds like an aquaman villain or some shit i guess not aquaman maybe uh what's his name black panther black panther and tiger king um yeah so uh it's what it is mine it's what it is mine what is the other thing i wanted to fucking talk about too um What is the other thing I wanted to fucking talk about too? I see if I can do ads. See if fucking one fire is going to.

Oh, he says ads too. Okay, I got to do ads too. What's worse? The coronavirus or Apple TV tv remote straight up apple tv needs to figure out it's fucking remote and this is the thing if i've been doing my podcast for three and a half years for anything it's all been to culminate in this moment Telling you. How fucking bad the goddamn Apple TV remote sucks. What's the deal Apple remote TV? Are you too sensitive? Or are you not sensitive enough?

Because when I'm sitting on the couch. And I roll over a little bit. And my shirt touches it. And then all of a sudden. I'm watching fucking. Breaking bad. When i was watching you know ozark i thought it's supposed to work from my fucking touch or the heat or whatever then my shirt rolls on it and all of a sudden i'm watching episode nine season two of breaking bad it's like and then when i go to fucking hit it how about when you go to hit back

when you want to go back 10 seconds and it pauses instead nah nah that pisses me off i'd rather get fucking dude that dry is there a way to go back for 10 seconds or not? Because when I hit it, it works one time. And then when I go back again, 10 seconds, I pause it. And then I got to drag it back. And when I go to fucking drag it back, it goes too far. And then I go forward a little bit. And then I'm right back to where I was.

And that's not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be back fucking 20 seconds. That's what I wanted to be. So why can't I fucking hit the back 20 seconds? Why can't I hit the back twice? These are real issues, dude. They need to do an NPR episode about that. There's so much spit all over my computer, and I don't hit the back twice. These are real issues, dude. They need to do an NPR episode about that. There's so much spit all over my computer, and I don't give a fuck.

Apple TV remote, figure your shit out. You're not sleek. You're not cool if you don't work. Period. Make it work. Have real buttons on the shit. I was BlackBerry for so hard until I got the iPhone because I had to get the iPhone because BlackBerry didn't have the Instagram. I was BlackBerry so hard, dude.

I wanted to click those buttons. I want to hear that button click. Click, click, click, click. Call me old school. Call me 40. I don't give a fuck. BlackBerry was the shit. Click, click, click.

I was European until 2016 using that fucking BlackBerry. I mean, it wasn't that far, but you know what I'm trying to say. I'm exaggerating. But the iPhone, I finally had to get it because Instagram was the shit shit so i got iphone and then finally i learned how to do the fucking thing without the buttons but still i love buttons man i'm european through and through i was european until i was like 33 with the fucking blackberry you saw europeans still there's some europeans out there right now still with the blackberry well you know i just it still works backberry. It still works for us.

People in Dubai still using that Blackberry? Like, iPhones, no, those are for peasants. People with just too many clothes pulling out their fucking Blackberries? I made fun of a guy on Twitter like six days ago, and I was just, dude, I'm sure he's a nice guy, looks like a nice guy, I made fun of a guy on Twitter like six days ago and I was just dude I'm sure he's a nice guy looks like a nice guy I made fun of him he said something about uh he did a thing on on Twitter he wrote about um god it was a long time ago let me find it but uh Let me find it. But watch my special, April 14th. No pain on Netflix.

I wrote it. Justin Hoops McElroy. He wrote he wrote on March 21st. Hey, I'm not trying to censor anybody. But you before you casually joke about the apocalypse, please consider that's a pretty tough anxiety trigger for a lot of folks. Look, I don't know who this guy is. It doesn't matter. I'm probably out of the loop. The guy's probably famous as shit.

Good on him. Uh, he's probably very successful and I don't know who anybody is. And then I write, ah, the sentence went on too long, huh? It should stop after the word anybody.

All good though. Meaning, Hey, I'm not trying to censor. Anybody is the thing to say. And I was just fucking around. I'm sure the guy's a nice guy. I'm sure if I met him,

I'd get along with him. And I fucking write this shit and people are just like around. I'm sure the guy's a nice guy. I'm sure if I met him, I'd get along with him. And I fucking write this shit and people are just like, most people are like, oh yeah, so yeah, he shouldn't say that. Fuck him.

And it's like, no, not fuck him, dude. I'm lightly just playing with the guy. And then somebody writes, this ain't it, Chris, which is so annoying when somebody says this ain't it. Justin is one of the nicest,

most caring and funniest people in the world. Please don't sick your fans on him for no reason every time. He's scared as fuck about it. Whatever. And I wrote, I'm sure he's a great guy. I'm messing around like I always am. I'm sure Justin McIntyre can take it.

But yeah, my fans can take it too far sometimes. I forgot about that. And she writes, you have no idea how much I appreciate your kind response. Fans can go overboard in defending the people in love. And it's really immature of you to listen, so it's all good. I don't care if it's all good. Who are you? I hope you listen to Justice Duck because he and his brothers have changed a lot of lives for the better.

That's cool. I'll listen, and I probably will at some point. But, like, stop talking to me, Kayla, you know? All right. I'm playing with the guy. I'm sure the guy saw my thing and was like, ah, whatever. If he was upset, I didn't mean to upset him. I was just playing.

And then somebody, oh, you're sick in your face. If you see my tweet and I'm making fun of somebody and then you take it too far and you start DMing someone. Hey, fuck you. This that bro. You're a loser. Okay. Fan of mine or not. And I'm making fun of somebody and then you take it too far and you start DMing someone. Hey, fuck you, this, that. Bro, you're a loser, okay? Fan of mine or not. Like, just, this is Twitter, dude. Like, you can make fun of people all day long, but doesn't matter i make fun of this guy the guy maybe reads that on his podcast makes fun of me it's all good i don't give a fuck

god somebody here's the other thing too i block everybody on my instagram if somebody says something negative or somewhat negative to me on my Instagram, that's it. That's your ass. See ya. That's a privilege. Following someone on Instagram is a privilege. It's not a right. If you say something negative and the person blocks you, that's that ass.

But you understand that because you don't know the guy. but you understand that because you don't know the guy. Somebody thinks it's funny to comment under my Instagram or somebody's Instagram. Fuck you. And they think that's a joke. If somebody came up to you on the street and said, fuck you, how the fuck do you think that would react? Punch in the face.

The equivalent of that is blocking someone online. I'll just block someone. I don't give a fuck. I go like this. Oh, yeah, block. I don't give a fuck. I go like this. Oh, yeah, block. I don't want anything negative, period. Block. The number one thing somebody says after that is, I mean, somebody's fucking, I don't know how they found it. But somebody wrote me last few days ago.

I guess he came across this guy's tweet. I can't wait to hear this story, he writes. And this guy tweeted, Chris D'Elia blocks when offended, but gets mad when people are offended. Modern day comedians, everybody, big yikes. I get mad when people are offended at jokes. How do you not understand the difference? jokes how do you not understand the difference it's stupid of you to be offended at a joke it's not stupid of you to be offended when somebody is talking shit that you don't know so you're a fucking moron and it's all good and then i love how he was like modern day comedians like this guy.

He's in his 20s like he's some fucking purist. I wish we could go harken back to the days of when George Carlin was coming up when nobody this and that. And you could have said, oh, and the fucking thing. I wish we could go back to the days of kinnison when he used to cut him mother you're a fucking cock dude and he had a don quixote beard and shit like who you don't matter dude neither do i what are you fucking saying that's something people do to think that they met oh he blocked me oh i don't even think about it my buddy said oh what's this story all about he texted me the screenshot i said dude i have no clue i block anybody who says anything negative

i who are who i don't remember i block boom forgot it's so funny too sometimes people will be like oh well i got you it pissed you off and it's like yeah i will never ever think about this interaction ever again after two minutes pass and you'll never forget that this happened. Right? Like, take the mic, like, you know, if you interact with a, you know, I'm a fucking D-list celebrity, but if you interact with somebody who's got a large following and you don't have a large following,

you'd remember that. Happens to me all fucking day. I don't remember these motherfuckers. So go ahead. Congratulations, you got blocked. Yeah, your life's great. I don't know. Whatever.

Anyway, listen to that hoops guy. He seems like he's positive and he's probably good. And he's got a nice face. But there was a fucking thing on Instagram where they were like doing a it was quarantine NYC and they were doing a an Instagram oh god it's so fucking embarrassing see if I can find it

the page isn't available why does it say that it was just available it was it's quarantine NYC and it was supposed to be uh this this thing about how it was an online rave or something or a dj set that somebody was doing and um it was like 10 bucks to fucking be a part of this all you got to do is like sign in and you can get a table and then like what? A DJ plays on an Instagram

and you're at home sad? You're at home not there? You're not there. Like get the fucking iTunes. Just listen to it. Wow, that's amazing they were like first 100 people 10 bucks can only let 100 people in or some shit no you can let as many people in you're not letting anyone in anywhere what a racket and then people are like oh you should go on do a set live on instagram do a set do a comedy set no dude that would be so bad and if you don't know that would be bad that's crazy that's just

so crazy can you do an instagram uh can you do a lot some kind of kind of live stand-up set? Yeah, at the clubs when this is all over. That's when I can do it. At the clubs when this is all over. Because if I were to do it, imagine if I did. I have 25 minutes of new material. Imagine if I just blew it on Instagram live, making no money

and also getting no laughs. People would just be like, where's the part to laugh at? Nah, it's not available. He just sent it again. Click on this one. It's not available. I don't know why it's not working. I was thinking about a story when i was a kid this was the

shit this is how you know i'm down dude i'm down for my motherfucking homies and this is how you know i'm down for my homies is because when i was boy i must have been in fifth grade. A kid came in to class, and it was a new student. We had a new student when I was in fifth grade. His name was Thomas. That's all I remember. I don't remember his last name. Didn't call himself Tom.

That motherfucker's name was Thomas. And he was the kind of guy who looked like he should be graduating college. You know how sometimes the kid is just like there's a kid in your school, in your class, and you're in fifth grade, and he just looks like one of the kid's dads? He was wiry and tall. He was this black dude, nice looking, you know, Thomas. Black dude, nice looking, you know, Thomas. Me, I always befriended the new people because I wanted to learn all about them. Because let's face it, the everyday bullshit was mundane as shit. So I started talking to Thomas.

Thomas, turns out, had so many fucking penthouses and playboys and shit. And I didn't know why. When I was in fifth grade, I thought, oh, this guy must just have a fucked up parents, right? Because how does he get access to this shit? But he'd come and he'd bring the fucking pieces of paper from penthouse. And it was the first time I ever saw like, you know, pussies. I've seen tits before, but like I saw girls like fingering themselves and stuff.

I'll never get a Disney movie. And so I saw him doing that or I saw him giving out the things and he gave one to me and I was like, whoa. And I remember feeling like, wow, this looks weird, but I like it. But also it's weird because, you know you know those girls they didn't look natural they had really big boobs and their pussies look like fried butterflies and their hair was all teased out like i never seen girls like that you know and this was even in new jersey when the girls hairs in the 80s were nuts so teachers and shit anyway uh i was like whoa man and he was like yeah he's like i got more where that came from and i was like really and he was like you want me to bring him and i was like yep he's like. And he was like, yeah. He's like, I got more where that came from. And I was like, really? And he was like, you want me to bring them?

And I was like, yep. He's like, all you got to do is give me your snacks tomorrow. And I was like, damn. Cool. Okay. So the next day, I was like, hey, dad, can I get extra potato skins in my thing? We had the little plant or peanut potato skins things that we used to have. I used to.

I don't know if they still fucking exist anymore. And, and, and, and I came and he gave me more fucking more, more nudes. And I would, and I would, and I would give him potato skins and it would go down like a fucking drug deal, dude. I just give it, I just slide over the fucking things. It was like this. I would slide the shit over there, and he would give me the shit. And this shit would be playing in the background. You know what I mean?

And I can't play it or we'll get copyright infringement. Probably already got fucked with it. But anyway, I would give him the shit and he would give me the shit. And then I'd go into the bathroom and I'd open up the magazines and I'd see it. And I would see new pussies and new tits. And it was awesome, dude. And this is the time where I realized, I guess I'm straight. Didn't know about gay.

But if I had, I would have been like, okay, I guess I'm straight. So I really liked it. And when I got home, I didn't want to keep it in the house. I would have been like, okay, I guess I'm straight. So I really liked it. And when I got home, I didn't want to keep it in the house. Like when I watch Breaking Bad and when Walter White is putting the money in the air vent, I'm like, bro, I would have found that in two seconds.

Well, luckily, outside of my backyard down a little bit, there was a park. It was called Yannick Hall Brook Park. And I went with my friend Matt Trevenen and we took these photos of these girls' pussies and tits and we went way back to the other end of the park and we would bury them. We would bury these pictures of tits and pussies in baseball card collector holder

things, okay? And we'd bury them in a can that you would stack baseball cards in and we'd put something over it so we could always go back to Yenna called Brook Park and get into that fucking can and look at those tits. And we didn't, we wouldn't even get,

I don't even know if we got boners back then, you know, but we were just like, we would just open it up. Like it was treasure. It felt cool, dude. And sometimes I would go over there,

just rolling on my dolo and fucking go look at fucking tits and pussy pussies, put them back in the thing and go back and eat dinner with my family. And nobody knew shit, dude. And it was, it was dope as fuck, dude.

I felt good. And I felt sneaky. I felt like, you know, like I had some shit going on. Anyway, this lasted for about a week or two. And my dad said,

one day, Hey, Chris, come into my office. And I said, okay, which was weird. He never fucking did that. I went into his office and he says, hey, is there a kid at school that's giving you nudes like pictures of naked women? And I said, yeah. That's the kind of guy I am. When I'm caught, I tell you what's up.

That's it. I let the cards fall as they may. And he says, um, okay. Uh, what are the pictures of? And I explained pussies and tits and stuff. Although I didn't say it like that when I was in fifth grade, I just naked women. And he said,? And I said, um, okay. So I went to fucking Yennecar Brook Park and rolling on my dolo, grabbed the fucking things, went back up to the, um, dad's office, fucking threw the pictures up on the thing. And I said, Hey, they're, they're like this. And he saw him and he said, Oh, okay, cool. That's all. And I said, really, am I in trouble? And he said, no. And I said, okay. He said, but you shouldn't be doing that stuff at school or whatever. And I

said, okay, cool. And then, uh, I felt weird. I left the room, didn't know how he knew it. And then a few days later he said to me, um, you know, uh, I i said how did you find out about that shit and he said you know how i found out another dude who lived on the opposite end of yandacar brook park who was just a shit fuck rat fuck you know what i mean a shit rat fuck like a piece of shit fuck like his face was he was one of those kids who had the faces that were like it was like pink in weird areas you know i'm talking about like you know he was younger than me by the way a rat fucked younger than me in like fourth or third grade and he had the pink like that fucking eczema i don't know what the fuck it is it's not eczema but it's just like it's like high c it's like leftover high

c on his fucking face just a dirt fuck rat fuck and he he said, I got a doorbell. He knocked on my, he hit the doorbell. And it was him. This kid never fucking came over. And he said, hey, Mr. D'Elia? I said, yeah. And he said, I want you to know that Chris and Matt Trevenen are hiding dirty pictures outside the back of Yannicko Propard near my house. And my dad said, oh, yeah? And he said, yeah.

And then my dad said he looked at this rat fuck and said, so? And the rat fuck said, oh, I just thought you should know that, you know, because they're naked. And my dad said again, so what? And he said, oh, okay. And he turned around. And my dad said,, so what? And he said, okay. And he turned around. And my dad said, do you know why I said that that way? I said, why?

He said, because he was trying to get you in trouble. And I didn't want to let him have the satisfaction of it. So I acted like it wasn't a big deal. So he felt stupid. And I learned that then. And that's how I know now to be down as fuck to your family. That one fucking thing that happened definitely stuck with me forever. And that rat fuck fucking fourth grader, die slow, motherfucker.

My dad taught me a goddamn lesson. And then I said, well, why'd you want to see the pics? He said, well, honestly, the only reason why I wanted to see the pics is I wanted to make sure they were okay and just have naked women and they weren't doing like weird stuff with animals or some shit. And I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Goddamn, I love my dad. That's so dope.

I can't wait to be on my kid's side i mean i am now but like i can't wait for that shit to happen and some shit to go down and for me to look at some other kid that's trying to rat fuck out of my rat fuck my my my son and have him be like and have me be like so man i learned i learned that day that was cool and also fucking turns out i like titties and pussies too so um anyway i guess that's it dude i forgot about that story and i wanted to tell you on the podcast because i thought it was cool but you got to be down as fuck to your family man you got to be down as fuck um thanks guys look it's a little weird doing this podcast all alone I got to be honest I'm trying to do my my shit right and be good by everyone and not be out and stay in my house

alone doing this podcast and not have one fire or Ivan get rid of over here so we're not coughing on each other who knows but I'm doing this social distancing and I'm taking it seriously and you should too man and if you live in Florida and if you're going to the beaches and shit, you're a straight up piece of shit. You're like a fucking piece of shit. Just stay in for a little bit, man. Even if it's for a few months, just stay in, man. People are dying and you're a fucking asshole if you don't. You really are.

And I mean that shit. I know a lot of this stuff is jokes and all that and I barely mean anything, but you're a fucking piece of shit if you're going out to social gatherings, man. You really are. So anyway, you can text me at 818-239-7087, and make sure you put my Netflix thing in your queue. You can do that because it was my birthday the other day. So if it's my birthday, I'm asking you to put the Netflix thing in your queue and watch it. When it comes out on April 14th, it's called No Pain, Crystalia.

Don't know when all my stand-up dates are going to be happening, but it'll be happening. Thank you guys for listening, and you guys are the shit. Bye. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.