Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 167. The Kings Speech 2: The 7-11 Chronicles

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

We're still here and we're still being safe! On today's show we talk about Breaking Bad, Covid conspiracies, Shai, a story from the Coffee Bean, a story about small bites, and an update to the rat kid story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Hey guys, what's going on? Celebrate good times. And if you're a true baby, you're going to listen to that Monday night. You're going to watch it Monday night. And if you're even, you know, you can still also maybe you got to go to sleep, even though we're not really doing anything because we're all on lockdown. But the special No Pain, my fourth special, my third Netflix special comes out on Netflix April 14th. So be ready for that. And that being said, welcome to episode 167 of Congratulations. Hey, what's up, my babies?

It's episode 167. We did it. And we finally got to 167. And we're doing it, dude. And this is the fourth week maybe that I've gone in quarantine. Gone out for limited amounts of things. Gone out for limited amounts of things. Gone out for limited amounts of things. Limited

edition. This is Topps Baseball's limited edition. Adding syllables. This is when they used to sell the baseball cards. You're looking at the embossed upper deck.

Drew Bledsoe. Die cut. Limited edition. Limited. So annoying already. Yes, dude. Why do you listen to it? Fucking NPR said that they didn't want to

have me on to promote my special you know what dude it's probably because all the shit that i was saying about fucking npr on this shit if you want the real news though you come to congratulations the only trusted news source dude fuck this npr shit i i don't it's like dude you want to talk about fucking what's going on in the world or you want to talk about what's secretly really going on in the world, dude? I'm drinking, dude. I'm drinking my fucking – it's the nighttime podcast. Dude, I've never done a podcast at night. I've done zero podcasts at night and now I've done a podcast at night.

I can't say that anymore. So that's it. This is a fucking – you know what that means? that's it. This is a fucking, you know what that means? That I've done this at nighttime? That this podcast is a nighttime podcast? Is that it's a limited edition nighttime podcast for only $4.

Only $4. You might think that we, for 50 grand, $4. Okay, so, yeah. So that's what's up. And the Netflix special is coming out. Can't wait for that motherfucker to show. All the stars align. I'm happy with it.

My brother directed the shit out of it. And that's that. I had a fucking cool thing that TMZ reported. It must have been a slow news day for celebrities, dude. That they fucking dug into the Chris D'Elia files of last week. But I went to get something at a convenience store. I'm not going to tell you if it was CVS or Walgreens or – well, no, it was either one of those because I can't think of another one. Anyway, and I can't remember what I was going to get but i was going to get something and then i uh there was somebody checking out i put the story on my instagram but there was somebody checking out

in front of me uh and there was a guy behind the counter checking her out like i don't mean like checking her out like god damn baby i mean like checking her out like boop boop boop at the cash register and so it's the guy from police academy anyway so um i he was checking her out and i said to him threw my fucking n95 mask because i got one and you can say that i should fucking drop drop it off at cedar cyanide but dude like come on you know i was ahead of the game on this masked shit people like you shouldn't be having one you shouldn't have one you should give it you should donate it oh yeah and now what are they saying what's the fucking who's saying oh you should have masks okay so your boy was a little bit on the fucking cutting edge of masks of masks masks and um so anyway through my n95 mask i say hey man do you

guys have toilet paper or y'all out because every time I go everywhere that might have toilet paper, they go like this. We're all out. Sorry, we're all out. Sorry, we're all out. Sorry, we're all out. You go anywhere to fuck it. Do you guys have toilet paper? Sorry, we're all out.

You go to McDonald's, you'd be like, is there toilet paper? The bathroom just fucking has no toilet paper. We're like, we're all out. It doesn't matter. We just put it in the food. And so it's probably healthier to eat dog shit than it is to mcdonald's so um anyway so i fucking said do you have toilet paper and he looks at me says uh and he sees me through my n95 mask and he goes like this um yeah uh yeah hold on and i say oh yeah you got the hookup

joking and he goes like this and kind of like winks at me and goes like yeah so i was like okay finishes checking out the young lady and then he goes like this follow me so i followed the dude to the back of either walgreens or cvs and it was walgreens and so when i got to the back he goes like this Wait right here And then he went through two fucking doors By the way I've never walked through doors like these You know the fucking big metal doors With the oval No not the oval

The rectangular With the rounded edges That like cooks you I've never walked through doors like that in my life I've never walked through doors like that They have them at the back of Walgreens They have them at fucking Like Walgreens. They haven't been fucking, um,

like anytime there's a cook thing, like a chef is doing it and that's it pretty much. I don't know any other place that they'd have those doors. Why are those doors only used for fucking back storing and also cooking? Um, yeah, dude, fuck doorknobs.

They don't use that shit, I guess. Cause their pans are full and they got up anyway. I'll figure that out on my own time. Sorry for digressing. So he says, wait right here. I wait. He disappears and he comes back with fucking 24 rolls of toilet paper.

And I go – my jaw dropped and I go, damn. I was like, these motherfuckers are all out but they're secretly not all out? Like all these places were all out. But yeah, right. The employees are fucking digging into the good stash and taking it home and shitting their fucking brains out. are all out but they're secretly not all out like all these places were all out but yeah right the employees are fucking digging into the good stash and take it home and shitting their fucking brains out and wiping it up dude and walking out with a fucking anus as clean as a whistle and in the meantime i got a shitty butt at walgreens trying to fucking script trying to be like yeah no let me get actually get that long receipt because now i'm gonna use it so the guy hands it to me and he goes like this i'm a big fan and i go like this oh shit my

comedy has amounted to something finally all right so and he says now this is the part where i stopped at the instagram because i don't want to make it too long but since it's the podcast and i'm always hurting for content i'll keep going so he says um yeah i'm a big fan and we have you know this is this is the supply here you go and he rings me up and as he rings me up and he said you know i gotta say uh i'm actually not um i i started stand-up because of you and i was like what and he was like yeah no you were the reason i got into stand-up and i'm like god damn am i gonna have to break out these excuse me sir but am i gonna have to break out these toilet

papers right now to to wipe tears going from my eye to my chin from my eye to my chin am i gonna have to and he was like yeah i i you know you got you got me through some times, man, and you made me laugh. So there you go. And gave me fucking 24 rolls of toilet paper. Bro, and you know I'm shitting. To quote the wise, fucking deep, deep, deep, deep thinker, LL Cool J, I'm 10 times platinum and you know I'm shitting. So that's that. And anyway, I posted that on my Instagram story or something. No, no, my Instagram regular thing, not my story. And then he responded and DM me and he was like, yo, dude, I appreciate you not saying my name, but I wouldn't have got in trouble. I'm the'm the manager anytime you need something fucking come on by and i'll hook you up and i go like this

i got my pandemic buddy i got my pandemic buddy dude if i need something he'll hook me up hey yo so guess what dude if you need something you come to me now i'm the fucking guy on the corner in breaking bad that is like you know i'm not aaron paul or like uh brian cranston i'm the fucking guy on the corner in Breaking Bad that is like, you know, I'm not Aaron Paul or like Bryan Cranston. I'm the guy that he hires that most likely gets shot. That's like on the corner of the fucking thing. That's just like, yo, you know, I got what you need. And they're like, how'd you get it? And I'm like, but it's that blue shit.

Yup. Does it have that blue tint? It has a blue tint. Anyway, dude, I should be a fucking math dealer for real um just got into breaking bad for the first time ever i won't spoil it if anybody hasn't seen it but you should have fucking seen it it's been out 10 years and mostly i'm just saying that because ivan get rid of has never seen it and i don't want to spoil it for him, but I just finished season three. And wow, dude, this show fucking rips, dude. And I know it. I know you know it rips because everybody's seen it unless you're like fucking 12 because it was six when you were on.

Because you were six when it was on. And, dude, it fucking rips, man. And I felt bad because I'm friends with Aaron Paul. I never told him. I never saw the show. And I sent him a video saying how good it was and how good he was and how good he was in it. And then he sent me a video back

saying thank you. And he also said it couldn't have come at a better time, which means I was probably making him happy when he wasn't happy. Hollywood. Yes, dude. I'm fucking Hollywood.

I'm so Hollywood. I'll move to fucking France. Do you understand me? I'll move next to Johnny Depp in fucking France. Your boy's Hollywood, man man people don't think hollywood is bad people think hollywood is evil bro whatever you think that is that's what i am it's so annoying when people say that people think something extra is going on in hollywood it's so annoying how dumb people are when people think something extra is going on in hollywood like how it's like fucking uh

oh well you know that there's a fucking a ring of pedophilia that people oh really dude oh there's a ring of pedophilia that the top producers know about and confide in each other in and keep kids and pass them around and fuck them oh really dude oh yeah or are you just bored and sitting down a lot uh dude there's no fucking pizza gate man people think hollywood well you know they got in hollywood so they could fuck kids you know that right people will look in your eyes and say that and you'll be like oh really or do they just fucking produce bad boys dude do you know how bored you have look let me tell you something man and i'm not even will smith level i'm not steven spielberg's level you know i i mean but dude if there was some extra shit going on, I'd have heard of it. I'm telling you right now, because this is your trusted nudes source.

If you want cock shots, you come to congratulations. But if you want trusted news, fuck NPR, you come to ya boy. And I will set you straight, dude. There's nothing going on in Hollywood except for and action. That's all that's happened. Sure. Every now and then there's a Harvey Weinstein. You understand?

Every now and then there's a Harvard Weinstein. Okay. Every now and then. But that's just like in real life. In real life, sometimes there's bad guys. But anytime it's kevin spacey fucking pops up people are like well you know he was on and you know that and you know this and that happened and you know that's what happened and this guy was in on it and that's why

they made this movie so they could no oh now was kevin spacey probably did he pick the part in 21 because he was around fucking nine 20 year olds and he could maybe plug one in them yeah but does that mean there's a pedophilia ring going on does that mean that fucking pizza gate exists in DC no dude you're just bored and you're sitting down too much stand up go for a run you'll realize there's no pizza gate I mean insane insane. This fucking notion of we don't really know what's going on. First of all, let me say this. Yeah, you do. And second of all, you shouldn't.

The stuff you don't know is the stuff you shouldn't know. Now pull your fucking dirty wife beater down. It's too high over your belly button because, dude, if you believe in that shit, you are fucking out to lunch. What are you doing? Why are you bringing a sandwich? Oh, because I'm going out to lunch. Dude, you're an insane person. Everything that's going on is pretty much everything that's going

on. And I don't want to know, Oh, you're going to let the government know like Google is starting to track people now because of the COVID-19. And some people are like, well, they shouldn't track us. That's the government. They shouldn't know what the fuck we're doing at all times, dude. Hey, government, I'll write a list for you about where the fuck I go. I don't give a shit. Where'd he go? Where am I? My house?

The comedy store? Even in non-COVID-19 related times, my shit. Where? Even if I go to the strip club, who gives a fuck? You think, dude, say you're cheating on your wife and Google is tracking your whereabouts. You think they're going to alert your wife and google is tracking your whereabouts you think they're gonna alert your wife man you think the government gives a fuck what you do with your dirty nub just relax and stop sitting go for a fucking jog dude go swimming for fuck's sake wash your hair Go swimming for fuck's sake.

Wash your hair. Bro, Pizzagate. The fucking name of all names. Like Pizzagate. Well, you know, because Joe Biden and fucking Hillary Clinton and they were all. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah.

Hillary Clinton had a fucking basement in a pizza shop and was fucking nine-year-olds. Oh, yeah. a fucking basement in a pizza shop and was fucking nine-year-olds oh yeah the only fucking female that actually fucks nine-year-olds is the one that ran for fucking president last time or do you need to go swimming which one is it dude what's more likely hillary clinton's fucking a nine-year-old or you need to get dry or you're too dry fucked it up it's all good dude it doesn't it doesn't matter man you know it doesn't matter it's all good but that's the point is that there's not some people who think that there's some extra shit going on, dude, you just, you should have lived out your dream.

You should have tried a little harder or something. I get it. It's boring. You're sitting behind a fucking desk at a, at a bank of America and you fucking Googled too much. You know, when really what you want it to be was a fucking rock climber. But instead you came in a woman when you were 19 and you got a fucking eight year old now and you can't climb rocks.

So instead, you're Googling something behind a desk. But don't blame your fucking non dream on Hillary Clinton fucking a nine year old at the bottom of a pizza place in D.C. Do you understand? Do you understand? Life's just boring we want excitement but it's just boring and that's honestly awesome and if the government is doing something like tracking us or listening into my fucking five people are like can't trust 5g man that'll give you give it to me man hey hey 5g come on come on come on 5g let's go i can't fucking believe it man i i can't believe that people will sit there and fucking well you know you know

you know anytime you talk to a guy well you know why anytime you talk to a guy and he's like well you know why yeah I already know why don't say it I get it it's cool I got buddies that think this shit I got buddies that I hang with that I like

that I have similarities with and fucking things that we that I hang with, that I like, that I have similarities with, and fucking things that we, what do you call it? What do you call it? Fucking things that you have in common. I have things in common with, like, I couldn't remember the word common, dude. Great, cool. 5G is getting to me.

And they'll say shit like, well, you know that the fucking virus, the COVID-19 virus is man-made, that they did it. The military in USA did it and they released it in Wuhan. You know that, right? And they're acting like I'm the asshole. And to that guy, I just go like this. Oh, yeah. Because you know why? That guy, 12 years ago, his brain went like this. And started leaking blood.

And there's nothing I can do about that. Excuse me, but is this Minority Report? Can I go back in time? Or Time Cop, whatever the fuck that movie was? Am I Jean-Claude Van Damme in Time Cop? I can't fix his brain. I can't be like, when the guy says, well, you know why they do, you know why, right? You know why, you know what the virus really is. I can't go like this. Hold on one second. I will meet you 12 years ago. And then go back and then be like, hey, buddy, come come here right when his brain's about to

break and just fucking tell him what he needs to hear so it doesn't fucking go and then come back and then be like no what were you saying and they say nothing uh it was from it was from a bat and i go like this yes son of a bitch it was dude speaking of je of Jean-Claude Van Damme, have you seen Jean-Claude Van Damme's YouTube channel? Okay, look. There's this whole thing, YouTube stars, they came up. Everyone thinks that they are fucking not, older people, people a little older than me, think that a YouTube guy isn't a job.

Do you know what I'm saying? It is, all right, whether you like it or not. It's like when, you know, rock and roll came out. People were like, oh, that's not music. Well, guess what? It is. And now because it's not to be fucked with, obviously, YouTube is a real thing. You get guys like Kevin James that's like, I'm going to start a YouTube channel and make short films. And he makes funny short films.

And that's great because Kevin James, I think it's great. I love Kevin James. I think he's fucking funny. And I love Jean-Claude Van Damme. Hey, dude, you talking to me about Jean-Claude Van Damme? You and i love jean-claude van damme hey dude you talking to me about jean-claude van damme you know i love jean-claude van damme if i met jean-claude van damme i would piss my you know it's like forget it so but his youtube he has a youtube channel and dude you just gotta go see it Him and his family are just making fucking stuff and cutting it together.

And there's one video where Jean-Claude Van Damme is walking. I'm not going to play it because I probably can't. But he's walking and all he does is walking down the street like this. And they go, Jean-Claude Van Damme, can I have a handshake? And he goes and kicks the hand away. And then he'll do stuff like he'll turn around and be like. And there is nothing more fucking French than that. When I found out, where is he from?

Belgium? Brussels. The muscles from Brussels, dude. Anyway, Jean-Claude Van Damme is the shit. And he also is wearing, for some reason, a towel around his neck so it makes him look all jacked. And he's just like, hold on, before we start shooting, grab the towel. Grab that son of a bitch towel. Anyway, dude, you know, it is what it is.

And we're talking fucking straight up serious shit and straight up npr fucking news my special is coming out and um yeah there was another fucking one that was like now we don't want him on our fucking thing to promote it and i looked up what it was and they get like 7 000 views and i'm like did i fuck your girl dude what i don't mean to sound like a piece of shit but this would be good for you man nutso dude i can't believe people think that there's a fucking for real pizza gate uh i know that's old news, but so yeah. So, all right, let me do these fucking ads, my babies.

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And I don't like to talk about it that much anymore because it fucking brings a tear to my eyes and I don't have enough toilet paper to wipe this shit. I mean, I do now because thanks for the manager at fucking Walgreens. But toilet paper is scarce. So what I'm saying is, yeah, you know I used to keep the block hot.

You know, if you know me, two things. I'm down for fucking and sucking in the log cabin. I love stand-up comedy. I love my family. And also the thing I'm talking about, which I fucking forgot. What was it? The fucking, oh, I ran. I kept the block hot.

I'm fucking cold water. Coffee bean. I kept that block so fucking hot. I swear to God, people thought it was going to erupt. Now that's just the fuck, that was the word on my block. Now I didn't make that. That was what people were saying. People said to me, what's up with this concrete?

Why is it sizzling? All right. Don't want to get into it too much, but I kept that block fucking hot, dude. I would go BG to go. would get the cob salad i would fucking hop on over like i was in a children's book and just walk into that coffee bean i'd say hello to an old racist guy and i'd be like one ice americano please and that guy was a racist as fuck he's probably dead now but he one time he was on a flip phone saying yes i'm i know he's busy but i'm trying to get in touch with the mayor yes i understand i know but i want to talk to the mayor about what he's doing with all these illegal immigrants.

Okay, cool. That's what he said. So that's how you know this coffee bean was hot as shit. But this guy, one time a guy came in with a, I don't even know what to call it. I don't want to be racist, but it was a black guy and he was wearing one of those things that just you don't see in America. You see in like Africa. Maybe he was African.

I have fucking no idea. But one of those things that was just one piece that but all wrapped around it was like trump's hair you know we're like start somewhere but you don't know where but that's what this african guy was wearing just one piece no pants no shirt one piece that was just wrapping around his cock his fucking shoulder his feet you know and he was just floating in like orco from he-man and he got the thing and the racist guy the old guy said hey uh when in roma and i go well what's this about he says when in roma and the guy says excuse me sir yes he says why don't you dress like us and i go i knew what was going to happen i knew that the guy being talked to is going to be so peaceful just because what he's wearing people who wear stuff like that are super peaceful you know what

i'm talking about uh the more articles of clothing you have the less peaceful you are like if you have one thing fucking wrapped around a toga or if you're wearing nothing you know how peaceful you are if you just have a leaf around your cock but this old guy had on fucking jeans shoes a button down a fucking shirt over it and also a briefcase he would bring a briefcase like an old school one that looked like a lego like a briefcase not a duffel a briefcase put it on the fucking table open it up like it was the fucking shit that pulp fiction centered around with thecase put it on the fucking table open it up like it was the fucking shit that pulp fiction centered around with the gold inside of it and he would open it up and i shit you not dude this guy would pull out nesquik in his briefcase and whatever he got from the

fucking bar he would put nesquik in it stir it around put it back in his briefcase case close it up all right now here's the thing you know that guy's racist back in his briefcase, close it up. All right. Now here's the thing. You know, that guy's racist just from the briefcase, but this guy came in and the guy goes like this, went in Rome, huh? And he says, excuse me, sir. What? He says, why don't you dress like us? You're far from home. This is America. And the, and the guy said, I, you know what? I, I, I should, I, why don't I? Yeah, man, maybe I should. Yeah. He didn't know what I I I should why don't I yeah man maybe I should yeah you know what to say but then he was like I pray for you sir and he left and I was like god damn dude to be that outwardly racist before Trump is crazy all right anyway I kept that block hot and uh

the coffee bean has begun become my mainstay and i've been through a lot of shit with coffee bean man sometimes i drink the coffee when i first got the coffee i was like the coffee sucks and then i started liking it and then i started drinking fucking different coffee that people were like but this is the hot shit i don't like the fucking boutique coffee shops they often often overdo their shit and i'm not about that life dude and i'm also not about the fucking sweet brown like the brownie. Put the Duncan Hines shit in the oven. I'll scarf it down.

I don't want fucking extra shit on the thing. I don't want to go to a gourmet place. You know, there's always like some new place popping up in LA that's just like, hey, you got to check out. It's this fucking artisanal ice cream place. Oh, yeah? Put the Haagen-Dazs in my fucking mouth. I'm not taking an – yeah, but they give you a pretzel to fucking scoop it out with and you eat it with the pretzel. Oh, yeah?

Go fuck yourself. Ice cream has been around for fucking centuries. Ice cream has literally been around for billions of years, literally. Billions of years, billions of ice creams all around the world from different times. And anyway, I'll fucking take my ice cream haagen-dazs one time i was in a fucking my my mom's suburban as a high school kid and my and my and and one of her uh cousins uh sons was over and he was so funny he's from new jersey and my brother said uh my brother was talking about how a girl liked him, and he said, yeah, well, I can't help it. She wanted my Haagen-Dazs.

And my fucking friend from New Jersey said, oh, you got Haagen-Dazs back there? And I pulled over and laughed. Dude, oh, you got Haagen-Dazs back there? Oh, fuck, man. I love shit like that. So anyway, I keep the block fucking hot coffee bean and i we've been together dude we're an odd couple you understand so um so i go to this coffee bean during this pandemic i got my n95 mask on i got my fucking hands in my shits. You know, I'm touching doors if I have to.

If I'm not, I don't. If I'm with someone, which I never am, I haven't touched, you know, my friends, I go like this, you open it, you get it. You get it. You get COVID. And they fucking go, all right, I guess I'm, you know, maybe going to get COVID. And I walk in the thing and I got my N95 mask, and my buddy Mark is there, the guy who opens for me sometimes,

and he's Irish, and he goes like this a lot. Oh, seriously? Or begins every sentence with, here. Here, what time is the show? Why did you say here at the beginning of that, motherfucker? Why are you adding words so i'm there and a guy walks in with a mask a fucking mask you know one of those fucking ones that nurses wear and also a fucking headband with a glass shield over it homemade now the guy's in his 70s okay and i respect it i'm like right, this guy is taking this fucking COVID shit seriously.

He's also a little bit older, more at risk, maybe Brian Callen's age. And I'm like, that's great. So he says to – oh, by the way, Mark is a color that doesn't exist. I should have started this with this. My friend Mark is a color that doesn't exist i should have started this with this my friend mark is a color that doesn't exist yet do you understand he's a mix of translucent and beige okay it was like the movie remember the movie powder how the guy was so white like mark would have auditioned for this and they would have been like well we need it to be more believable so we're gonna use the

guy and just put actual makeup on him we want people to watch it because mark looks like a potato that we left out too long. You understand? So, and his fucking head hair are pubes. So he, yeah, so, like when he gets a haircut, they say, what do you want? He says, here, pubes. And so he is always translucent and beige, okay? And he's, because of this this there's definitely something going on with his fucking immune system and mark's been sniffling since i've met him since i've met him he'd be like oh here uh and you're just like is that an just an irish thing like i don't know so he's doing his mark shit and the fucking 70 something year old says, hey, man, you're sniffling from across the coffee bean.

And I go, I miss this place, man. This guy's the new fucking racist guy. This block is hot now. Coffee bean is where it's at. There's always one crazy person in a coffee shop. And when that person leaves, ding, ding, ding. Another guy comes in and is like, you guys heard of Pizzagate? crazy person in a coffee shop. And when that person leaves, ding, ding, ding, another guy comes in and is like, you guys heard of Pizzagate? So this guy says, hey, you're sniffling. And Mark

says something that I understand, but the guy doesn't understand. Because when Mark talks for the first time to somebody, he's inaudible because he's so Irish. my brother i remember once um my brother when he met mark mark said something like i hear and my brother said what just like that and i fell out okay now uh this guy said mark says uh here uh yeah it's just it's nothing and the guy says what you shouldn't be out and mark goes looks at me and he's like, no, it's just sniffling. It's nothing. I don't have it. And I'm like, oh, wait.

Fuck yeah, COVID. And so, so the guy says, yeah, you're sniffling. You shouldn't be out. And I'm laughing, dude, because your boy's a fucking ne'er-do-well. I'm loving it. I'm like this. i'm like a goalie before they fucking drop that soccer ball in right and uh and he um and he says yeah you you you if you're compromised you shouldn't be out in public you should be wearing a mask at least

and i'm like hey man he he doesn't have it he's fucking always i've known the guy forever he doesn't have it. He's fucking always. I've known the guy forever. He doesn't have it. He's he's always sniffling. It fucking is annoying as shit. It's one of his things. It's a tick, I said. And the guy says, yeah, well, I'm I'm I'm 72. So, you know, if I get it, it's bad news.

And I was like, buddy, it's all good. Don't worry about it. And that was when I was like, man, I could really see this shit going at getting out of control. I could really see this shit getting to getting out of control. Like I could really see this shit getting to – that was like a step away from fighting. Mark always – he's one of those guys that always gets in one of those situations, man. I have another buddy like that. It's in a different way. Like he always finds himself into these Curb Your Enthusiasm moments.

way like he always finds himself into these curb your enthusiasm moments one time he was in a 7-11 and this guy was in front of him and he was waiting in line and he had a fucking pocket a shirt with a pocket on it okay and he looked at the counter and saw this gum pack and he was like oh that gum pack looks exactly like it would be the size of my pocket and so he picked it up to see if it was the size of the pocket and he was like, it fit perfectly. And the guy in front of him that was checking out said, okay, thanks to the guy who was ringing him up and he said, by the way, this guy is trying to steal some gum. And then the guy goes, no, I wasn't trying to steal gum. I actually was just – I was seeing if – this is what he says, which makes it worse. I was seeing if the gum fit in my pocket

because it looked like it fit in the pocket. You know what? And then he paid, and then he let the guy keep the change because he felt guilty. Larry David. And that's a real fucking story for that ass. And they should do a biopic where Tom Hardy plays that guy or fucking Colin Firth.

I was trying to pick. I was trying to pick. I was trying to see if King speech to seven, the seven 11 Chronicles. Wow. King speech to the seven 11 Chronicles, the worst fucking title for any fucking movie of all time. But that's the title of this podcast. Now,

of course, King speech to the fucking seven 11 Chronicles. Dude, I got to tell you, man, I've got some cool two good news is coming up. And I'm not going to tell you what it is, but I've got one good news, and then I've got another good news, and I'm not even going to tell you what it is, and I can't fucking wait, dude. I can't wait to drop this shit. And it has nothing to do with the special.

And it has nothing to do, you know, with has nothing to do you know with the special that's it that was the sentence but um yeah that's about it uh should we do second ads second ads two in two minutes okay cool he's saying in two minutes oh germ oh dude here's what i'll do jeremy renner's album came out the new jeremy renner album have you guys fucking heard it yet I haven't but I'm going to Jeremy Renner we love Jeremy Renner at the fucking log cabin uh I fucking love guys like that dude we were fucking poking at him lately on the podcast and the dude reached out and said he liked it I love guys like that dude because I was telling this fucking story on uh your mom's house recently, the Tom Segura podcast.

It's coming out next week on the day of my special, my episode. But this guy was talking to me. I tell a story on Your Mom's House, and it was this guy. I was at the comedy store, and there were these four other guys there that I hadn't seen in a long time. And another guy just joined the conversation, just a lurker. At the comedy store, they have them a lot, right? So he started taking over the conversation. Nobody knew the guy.

But my friends thought maybe I knew the guy. And then the guy said something. And I went, who are you? Like that. And that was the moment where my friends realized that I didn't know the guy. And they just started laughing, crying, laughing, right? But make no mistake, because I did that, it doesn't mean that I don't like that guy.

And as a matter of fact, I love people who do that shit because all people make up this world and this world is great because this world is life and life rips, okay? Oh, I've actually got three good news that I can drop on you. Dude, your boy's fucking fucking i'm coming up i want the world to know to let it show taking liberties and um i'm coming up oh i want the world to know taking fucking liberties because that's what i do because

i'm a good singer dude you ever hear a fucking guy like in line or some shit and he's just like doing the song and he's just like doing a song and he makes his own little twist on it at the line of fucking 7-Eleven and you're like, dude, taking fucking liberties, dude. Anyway, dude, the new Jeremy Renner album is coming out or it came out and I can't wait to fucking listen to it. Dude, there's a fucking picture of him laying on his piano like this and I'm like, I'm all in, dude.

I'm fucking all in. He's opening up his soul laying down on the piano. I'm all in if somebody opens up their soul in their music, dude. That's why I like that fucking For the very first time that I saw your brown eyes Your lips said hello and I said hi. I knew that we were more

than just a friend. But I was caught up in physical attraction. And then this part. But to my satisfaction to taking liberties. Because I feel, that's my soul, dude.

And if I ever, ever fall in love so true. Taking liberty. I will be sure that the lady. Because I go, sure that. Because I didn't go, sure. I went, sure that. And that's fucking taking liberties, dude. But I was caught up in physical attraction

but to more satisfaction that's good I don't give a shit what you say I sing good man I should practice harder um I went to fucking Whole Foods and fucking – Whole Foods is – well, it's good. I went to Whole Foods.

I went to fucking another one. And my girl wanted me to get fucking heavy cream, heavy whipped cream, heavy whipping. By the way, here's the thing. Don't – if you say – how is there something called whipped cream and then also something called whipping cream? Are you fucking cocksucking kidding me? So she's like, get whipping cream cream heavy whipping cream and i'm like all right and i go i look there's none so i fucking didn't get it and the second time remember get that heavy whipping cream so i go i look and i ask the lady and i say hey i don't see whipping cream and

she's like um i think it's uh over there but it's made out of rice there and i look and it says whipped cream and i was like you know what if whipping cream is this hard to get fuck it i'm getting whipped cream that's what i'm getting and that's what we have now and it's not my fault dude it's fucking the people who labeled its fault nothing's ever been my fault and i was caught up ah in physical attraction and i was caught up chick ah, ah, in physical attraction. That's cool to do it like that. Who sings that? Shy?

Did they sing anything else? How about fucking more celebrities and people in Hollywood that fucking are just so tone deaf in the pandemic? David Geffen's Instagram post. Sunset last night. Isolated in the Grenadines. Is that how you say it? Avoiding the virus. I'm hoping everyone is staying safe. And he's on his boat the size of a cruise ship. And it's a picture of his boat, which means he also has a helicopter because that's where the photo is from. Now, it's all good, but. And it's fine. But.

Baby head. I just love it to be. I want to be a God bless fucking David Geffen. I want to be that for real. Just so deep in it. How much is a carton of milk? Fifty five dollars. Just saying shit.

Not knowing. People don't make beds anymore, right? Just saying shit. Just so not aware. What are you talking about? Just clean it up. Don't they have people with the government that do that? And you're like, this is your house.

Oh. My bad. Just on your rocket pack, leaving. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. How about that one fucking clip of the guy who oh the news we've done that in this podcast right the news guy

um the news guy that says well that is on the jetpack and then fucking tries to get out off the dock and goes right into the ocean have we made fun of that let me look at that look that up news have we water jet pack oh my dog just died for sure dog just went here this the boat show

coming up so funny dude i think and i'm live here at the san diego yacht and boat show good morning everybody first of all the fucking newscaster has the worst green button-down shirt on, and he has his arm around the guy who has a jetpack on. Hey, man, if you have a jetpack on, don't be so chummy. You'll burn yourself. So the guy just – by the way, it's Fox fox 69 news which is like go one up or down right here hanging out with my friend john hate each other by the way fucked his boyfriend they're all gay for for sure they're all gay i'm here at the san diego yacht

and boat show good morning everybody i'm hanging out with my friend john knows damn well that he fucked his boyfriend and is not going to say anything. And the guy knows he knows that he fucked his boyfriend. That's other acting, dude. And they're so close. He's got his fucking arm all chummy. And the guy knows that he fucked his girlfriend. And he's like, I can't wait to rub it in his face and just fucking jetpack out of here, dude.

What's mine is mine. And then gets fucked. Fox 5 Morning News starts. Look over there. And it starts right now. And it starts right now. Dude, the fucking little whimper of it. And it starts right now.

Wow, dude. San Diego yacht and boat show. Of course it's San Diego. Look at this fucking newscaster. Morning, everybody. I'm hanging out with my friend John. Fox 5 Morning News starts. Look over there. And it's San Diego. Look at this fucking newscaster. Morning, everybody. I'm hanging out with my friend John. Fox 5 Morning News starts. Look over there.

And it starts right now. Just the greatest thing to ever happen. I'll sing for you guys. This could be a singing podcast. For the very first time when I saw your brown eyes. Okay, I'm annoyed with myself. Okay, it's been 49 fucking minutes. Jesus Christ, what do I do for the next 11 minutes?

It is what it is. Oh, I have to. You know what i have to do is oh i gotta tell you remember i told you that fucking story last week about my dad and about the nude mac the nude clippings that i had he heard it and he told me you forgot some parts and so i should fill in the parts. So here is the updated version from my dad. My dad already kind of had an inkling about it because my buddy Matt Trevenen called me a few days before that and said, hey, Mr. D'Elia, is Chris there? And I picked it up. And when I picked it up before my dad hung up the phone, Matt Trevenen said, you want to go see the pictures? And my dad hung up the phone it was like I wonder what that about right so the the kid came over and told on me and my dad said so and he said yeah so I just don't know I wanted to tell tell you. And my dad said, yeah, so now I know.

Now what? And the kid said, well, I don't know. And that was good because my dad is a fucking boss player. Now, afterwards, my dad, because he wanted to see the picture, make sure there was no animal fucking or anything, said, well, look, if you really want to see a beautiful naked woman, look at this. And he had a – his friend was a photographer named Marco Glaviano. E-S-E, Italian. His name was Marco Glaviano. Okay.

E-E, straight up italian so he um he was like uh he oh he would photograph naked women like in a beautiful way black and white with fucking it all looked like you know film noir shit and uh he said look at look at this and my dad starts opening the pages showing me these beautiful women nude models and not the fucking girl who i was looking at with fucking fried butterflies and and fucking big ass melons my buddy in high school used to say jimbo and i'd be like what's that and he'd say jugs in my mouth baby oh Oh, what a fucking goofball. So anyway, so he shows me this book, this photography book that Marco Glaviano did. And all these women, beautiful women. And I look and I'm like the wee baby. And I'm like, oh, this is a woman, right?

And my dad said I looked at him and I said, I said, does mom know you have this? And he was like, yeah. You know, I thought he was fucking like confiding in me that, oh shit. All right, I'll keep it cool. I won't tell mom you have this photo book of Marco Glaviano. Anyway, dude, I would go in and I would look at that after that. I remember. I would go in and I would look at it when my dad wasn't in his office

and sometimes I'd show my friends. That's crazy, man. It's crazy how fucking the shit you remember, you know? And it's crazy to think when you have a kid that, like, my kid is going to have those moments. And he's going to have moments of, oh, like that you remember. And some of them are going to be important and some of them aren't. You know?

Like I remember one time I was at preschool pre-k or whatever the fuck and this girl I was eating wafers those those those wafers I always would have these vanilla wafers I loved them dude my mom wouldn't get them enough you know and I was eating them and then she was eating her whatever dessert was it was dessert time you know? And she was eating the wafers and taking the smallest bites. The smallest bites. Now, we were both small, but she was taking the smallest bites.

And I was like, looking at her while I was eating the... Bro, I shovel shit in my mouth. I don't even use my hands sometimes. I just go like this and I'm like... And then move forward on the fucking table as I chomp. It's like a conveyor belt at the end of a horror movie where somebody's like, no, no,

and they get smashed in the head anyway. That's my fucking, that's how the food's getting into my mouth. I don't fucking, there's always going to be food. People say, why do you eat so fast? Because I always want the food in my mouth. The second I swallow it, I put more food in my mouth because the sensation is the best in the fucking mouth.

I don't want to swallow, wait a little bit, and just suck on air. I want to fucking eat the shit, and it tastes good, and yum, yum, it tastes fucking good, and yum, yum, it tastes fucking good and yum yum it tastes fucking good and then i swallow it and then i put another fucking piece in my mouth because sensational because it's fucking sensational because it's fucking sensational and this girl was eating the smallest bites and in my little head i was like, how old are you when you go to pre-care? I don't know, four? I don't know. Younger. Three. I was like am I going to say

something to this girl? Am I going to fucking... What is she doing? She needs to know that she has to have more of the food in her mouth to hit all the taste buds and then when she swallows she needs to have more of the food in her mouth to hit all the taste buds. And then when she swallows, she needs to put another fucking mouthful in there. So it's at maximum fucking fun capacity in her mouth.

You understand? This is the shit I was breaking down as a three-year-old. And she's chomping little fucking nibble-ass mouse bites. And I look at her. And now I can't help myself. Because I'm like, I got to say something. Because I got to know what the fuck she's doing. I got to know why she's doing it because am I going to teach her how to

fucking eat like what's the deal she was younger than me do I remember and I say hey and she says yeah I bet she was so cute even as a three-year-old she was maybe two and I was like ah she's so cute but she was I was like why taking such small bites? And she fucking looked at me and she says, because then it lasts longer. And I couldn't really argue with that. You know? She fucking taught me and I thought I was going to fucking teach her. So the moral of the story is a two-year-old can teach a three-year-old something.

But I still take fucking monster bites, dude. I've never taken a small bite. But my point is, I think of that all the fucking time. I think of it all the time. I don't know who that girl is. I don't remember her name. I think she was Mexican or something. Maybe Puerto Rican because we were on the East Coast. But, dude, I think about it all the time.

I think about it often when I'm eating, while I'm taking my big-ass bites. You never know what's going to shape you. It could be the nudie magazines. It could be the small bites of the fucking girl sitting next to you. But that's what makes you who you are, and that's fucking beautiful, dude. That's fucking beautiful. I remember when she said that, too. I thought,

oh, I'd rather it go quick and just get the fucking maximum fun capacity in my mouth. Because it's more sensational. Sensational. Sensational. Sensational. phone capacity in my mouth uh because it's more sensational sensational sensational sensational um being a kid was the shit man being a kid was the shit i guess you get to relive those moments you know when you have a kid i hope so that would be very cool and very nice and very special I guess you get to relive those moments, you know, when you have a kid, I hope so. That would be very cool and very nice and very special.

Um, but what was I going to say? I was going to tell you another story about the fucking, the shit that I don't remember. I'll remember it for next time. But it's funny to think of the fact that like, you know, people who are like, people who are like,

uh, David Geffen on a boat that they had those moments too. And now they're taking pictures from their helicopter of their boat, telling everybody to stay safe. God, wait. I know what I actually want to talk about before I even fucking sign off here. This new meme. Holy fucking shit. This new meme of the guys guys of someone doing something deadly and then before they get hurt or die the fucking guys dance around with a casket have you seen this bro

the remember the meme ladies and gentlemen we got them when they got bin laden and drake would be like yeah i text fucking that 14 year old girl all the time and then it'd be like ladies and gentlemen we got him bro that meme to me was so funny but i think this one beats it there's a whole thread of it that this guy named dan nolan said we're Dude, the guy jumps, drives off a bridge, and then these fucking dudes are just, first of all, who, they, these, are they African or what?

Wherever this is that they're doing this, they take funerals seriously. Imagine the fucking body in the casket. They're just like doing this to the body and the casket's just like, bro, you know? body in the casket. They're just like doing this to the body in the casket. Just like bro. You know? God, these memes, dude.

They're so funny. One of my favorite ones is the guy. It's zooming in on a girl's butt and then it fucking pans over to the guy's girlfriend looking at him. And then it cuts to the guy's dancing with the casket. Ah, shit, dude. You got to look that meme up. It's from Dan Nolan. I retweeted it a few days ago.

But holy fucking shit, man. It was killing me. Crying, dude. How about this shit? Driving out of this Ohio parking lot is a woman who just attended a church service with dozens of other people, including children. Can I ask you about your decision to go to church to be inside that building? I wouldn't be anywhere else. Aren't you concerned you could infect other people if you get sick inside?

No. So cultured. No. I'm covered in Jesus' blood. That's as a reporter, when she says, I'm covered in Jesus' blood, I go like this. Thank you for your time, ma'am. Thank you for your time. You're a crazy person, ma'am. I'm going to go interview somebody who has something worthwhile to say. Bro, I love how the reporters are so far away from the people that they're reporting nowadays, too.

They're always like, it's like they're doing fucking sound on NCIS. Hello. Hi. Would you like to talk about the new bakery opening? I'm covered in Jesus's's blood other people hey hey no you're not like breaking it down in any way you want to any way shape or form you're not covered in jesus's blood and if you were you've got to take a shower. That's unsanitary. Go to this church who you might encounter.

All of these people go to this church. No, but you're going to be in places where other people are. I go to the grocery store every day. I'm in Walmart, Home Depot, all of those people. But you could get them sick from what happens. They could get me sick, but they're not because I'm covered in his blood. Thank you very much. Wow, dude. Fucking slam, dude. Thank you very much. I'm covered in Jesus' blood. They're not getting you very much i'm covered in jesus's blood

they're not getting me sick because i'm covered in jesus's blood thank you very much i'm not i'm not gonna be i'm not gonna be fucking i'm covered in jesus's blood thank you very much uh i mean this lady you know she's gonna have she probably has kids hopefully her kids fucking think she's a fuck up um too real um and then i put a fucking thing up but you know how every celebrity's doing like this is how long you wash your hands for you got to sing this song and i did the josh groban song you raise me up and i fucking left the sink running while i was washing my hands and so many fucking cucks in the comment were like oh real cool you left the water running there's a drought and this and

that wasting water smh dude hey man you know how easy it is to be a fucking holy roller on the internet i'm sure you waste some fucking water it's so these people who just oh you're a fucking keyboard warrior bro you don't bro you don't know real life alright I wasted some fucking water who just doesn't even if you really think you're like ah you wasted some water whatever I'm not going to comment alright dude I'm done

you guys we killed it and by we I mean me you can text me 818-239-7087 you can text me right then. That's 8 1 8 2 3 9 70 87. And more importantly, uh, my podcast or my podcast, my special comes out on April 14th called no pain on Netflix.

No pain on Netflix. You watch that as soon as it drops. That's awesome. Uh, you guys are great. Thanks so much. Appreciate you guys. And, uh, fuck, I got four things I got to tell you guys that I haven't told you yet. This is awesome. Uh, you guys are great. Thanks so much. Appreciate you guys. And, uh, fuck, I got four things I got to tell you guys that I haven't told you yet. This is amazing.

Wow. Uh, all right. You guys are great. Thank you so much. And talk to you. Talk to you later. Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker

Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker