Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 168. My Special Is Out

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

Watch NO PAIN on Netflix now! Hope you're staying home and staying safe, babies. Today we address blowback from the conspiracy folks on the internet, how hot text chain arguments are, the meaning of the word "underrated", Doomsday Preppers, OnlyFans, and how much Chris loves his brother Matt. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Hi, Fox. This is episode 168 of Congratulations. Celebrate good times. Word up, dude. That's how we start it today. Word up. It is episode 168, and stop what you're doing right now and go turn on Netflix. My special is dropping at midnight. Probably if you're listening to this podcast, honestly, it's already dropped because we're going to drop this podcast late Monday night.

But go turn on Netflix. My special, No No Pain is out. I've been working real hard on this special. I toured the country and I toured other countries. Mainly what I mean is pretty much just Canada. And I did a little bit of it in Australia two years ago. But I can't help it. Your boy is global.

So, yeah, my special is out. Really want you to watch it worked really hard on it i would love uh i would love your uh your eyeballs to catch that shit you know um i'm really i'm really happy with it my brother directed it my brother matt delia directed it he killed it fired my dad my dad did my last three i told him hey pops you're fired hey brother you're hired and my dad goes oh oh best firing ever and uh it was a cool moment and my brother and my brother killed it uh but yeah so that comes out that's out uh so turn that on and tell your friends about that shit you know uh like i said all the stars align with the special the audience was there no technical difficulties i loved everything about it.

My brother killed it. Production was great. It was just awesome. And I was, uh, and I was happy about it and I'm happy about the way it came out. Anyway, enough about that,

even though I'll probably bring it up later. Um, how are you guys doing out there? You dodging Corona? You dodging that Rona? You, you, you, you doing what I'm doing Every now and then you go, do you do that every now and then? Do you do this every now and then? Do I have a sore throat? Do you do that? Do you tell your significant other, do you have a sore throat? No, I don't think I do either. Do you do that? Like I do all the time? Is that what you're doing?

Just checking. So, yeah. It's a really bad, bad thing that is going on in this world. And I don't want to keep harping on it, but you know, it's what's going on in the world. And I would be remiss if I didn't talk about it, wouldn't I, babies? Right? Remember when Trump was like, oh, you know what? There's 15. It's going to go down to zero or one next

week. And now there's hundreds of thousands of people with it. And he didn't close down shit. And then people were like, do you feel like it's your responsibility? And he says, I don't take responsibility. Who's that guy? Everybody's dad? That's how like a dad would act.

Sorry, my day. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't take responsibility of dad? That's how like a dad would act. Sorry, am I a day? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't take responsibility for that. That's your fault. Don't talk back to your father. Dude, I talked about fucking Pizzagate last time and I've just been having a fucking whirlwind blast

thinking about... The camera's on, right? Thinking blast thinking about the cameras on right thinking about uh thinking about uh the people that this is angered it's so it's so unbelievable dude it's just hilarious that people will i first of all i said there's there's no like there's nothing going on extra in hollywood bad people are everywhere i'm just clarifying this because i also like i like to talk about it and then when people get mad i like to brush the flames i like to go like this to the argument because i don't know i like reactions because some people just like to watch the world burn the joker he said that the other one the heath ledger one and um people were just like oh so i i started out you

know yeah harvey obviously there's people like harvey weinstein and kevin spacey and these are pretty much solo operators because here's the deal if you're gonna fuck kids you're not gonna go out and and tell people about it why because they'll turn you in and so i talked about this on my podcast last time and people were like oh bro fucking what a shill d'alia is what a pedophilia shill he is now by the way i don't even know what shill means but i'll tell you something by the way, I don't even know what shill means. But I'll tell you something. By the way they're saying it, I know I'm not. Oh, yeah, Chris D'Elia, way to fucking defend pedophilia. Hey, man, I'm not doing that. And the thing is, you know it.

So, Chudun, it's so unbelievable, man. Oh, look into this guy. Oh, this guy obviously was fucked when he was a kid and he's covering it up people commented that hey are you a real guy hey hey dude i've got something to tell you this is earth that's not how it is imagine me and if i just got fucked when i was a kid just and i couldn't stand it hearing about pizza gate because it drummed up too much fucking, I was like, no, no, that's why I don't allow myself to believe that somebody went to a place called fucking Cosmos Pizza in DC, underground into a basement that's as of a closet, and had a fucking fuckfest with Hillary Clinton. Imagine that's why I didn't believe it. Oh.

The reason why I don't believe it is, dude, people want to believe some shit so hard. They want to believe some shit so hard because they just fucking don't. I get it, dude. It's romantic as shit to think about stuff and believe in it. It's romantic as shit. You think I don't want to believe in Batman? You think I don't want to believe I am Batman? You think I don't want to believe in Batman? You think I don't want to believe I am Batman? You think I don't want to believe that shit?

You think I don't want to believe that Harry Potter can go out there and fucking shoot people and turn them into pumpkins? You think that I don't want to believe that? I do want to believe that. But I don't believe that because of my brain. Because I'm 40. Because I'm developed. And because I have things going on now i get it if you don't have much going on then you want to believe in this shit okay well let's do your

research that's my favorite shit do your research do your research bro oh you mean fucking Google it? You can Google anything. You can Google right now probably monkeys made an automobile. And there will fucking a video come up where monkeys are making an automobile. And there will be some guy in fucking the backwoods of Alabama like, Well, you know, I had these pets and I needed some help with my cars. And I just kind of left them together, you know, with the old Ford pickup. And I don't know if it was them technically or not, but I woke up one day and it was it was in much better condition than when I left it. And I actually turned the key and it worked. So I'm not saying it was the monkeys, but it could have been.

That's a video that I just made up. That is absolutely a video. Because the Internet has everything, dude. Do your research. Dude. Oh my God, dude. He's a shill. I love it.

I love it. Go ahead, believe it. That's fine. But it's crazy how mad. That's the thing I always say is, how come you can't just disagree with somebody and not want them to be fucking like literally dead or dragged by a fucking horsey it's just so weird once a comedian or anybody touch no a comedian touches on and jokes about

something that you decide is too far you get up in arms no no no fuck that dude i love tupac talk shit make a joke go ahead guess what it's all good man no it's not cool man tupac's off limits go fuck yourself nothing's off limits so if i'm talking shit about pizzagate why because all of a sudden you're a conspiracy theorist. I got to shut the fuck up. Why? Why? You ever see that fucking old Tim Meadows bit on SNL?

He's like, welcome to 20 questions with whatever character he's playing. And then he asked one question. And then they're like, they answer it. And then he says, why? And there's a counter and it goes two. And then they answer that. And he says, why? And then it goes three. And he keeps going, why? Four. And they say, well, I don't know, because yada,

yada, yada. Why? And he just does it 20 times. And then he says, this has been 20 questions with Tim Meadows. Tim Meadows is so funny. And I want to say that he's the most underrated SNL character, but I don't say people are underrated. I don't do that because that's a backhanded compliment. And let me tell you about this conversation I had off of a text chain now here's the deal text chain arguments conversations they're the hottest shit since lasagna okay they really are they're the hottest shit since a piping ass cheese goes in your mouth and it gets and it dangles too low but it's also outside of your mouth so you end up going oh that shit when you're a kid when you're a kid and you're just like oh which way do i pull it or try to suck it suck it further and and as a nine-year-old you're like hey it was nice knowing y'all

just dead with crosses out over the eyes like a cartoon raggedy and all anyway um fucking what was i talking about the fucking uh what text chain um i did that fucking hot text chain and i was i would do it i the thing here's the thing about me when i get into a fucking hot argument or a heated argument if my shit is lasagna myself guess what dude i agree with me that's how i know i'm right okay i put out a tweet where i said something like that and it got like fucking 20 000 likes so that's how you know people feel the same so that's how you know i'm right all right but my shit is i fucking agree with myself man a backhanded compliment is to say somebody is underrated. And here's my thing.

My friend said, hey, Rogan called, Joe Rogan called on his Instagram, called Adam Sandler, Happy Gilmore, and underrated comedies. And he was like, how could you call Adam Sandler underrated comedy? And I was like, yeah, that's crazy. He's like the number one rated. And then my friend was like, well, saying that it's underrated maybe means that, you know, because people maybe talk shit about his movies they shouldn't be talking shit about. And that came in – that devolved into a whole conversation is what is underrated? Is it okay to say somebody is underrated or not? Like I have fans come up to me and they say, you're underrated, man.

I love you. And what I hear, and maybe it's my insecure self, I hear people don't think that you're as good as you should be. But I do. And to me, don't tell me you don't think that you're as good as you should be but i do and to me don't tell me any don't tell me you don't like me don't allude to anything about how people don't let me just come up and say hey good job hey thank you very much all right so my buddy was calling me an idiot now here's one here's here's here's one thing uh we were doing the voice texting so i can't read it we were speaking into it and sending the shits and my buddy was high as shit so first of all his arguments out the door but still he thought he was killing it so he was like if somebody's saying you're underrated if somebody's saying you're underrated what

they're saying is most things that are rated highly speak to the lowest common denominator in some way. So they're saying that those dummies aren't smart enough to like you. Okay. And I'm saying, no, what you're doing is adding a bunch of words to somebody saying people don't like you as much as I do. And he was saying, you're so wrong. How does it feel to be wrong? And I'm saying, whenever I said something, I would write back, and I fucking agree with me. And he would be like, that's the most crystal-y thing ever to say. And I go, you're damn right, because I'm me, dude. And I agree with me. And my brother didn't agree with me.

And my other friend didn't agree with me. And my other friend was kind of on the fence, but it was fine, because I knew I was right. And that's how we got to live our lives, dude. From now on, that's how we got to live our lives, dude. From now on, that's how we got to live our lives, man. Believe in what the fuck you're saying. You ever talk to somebody and they're like, oh, I don't know. Oh yeah. Okay. Well, all right. Like one time I was working with a director and I saw him talk to another actor and he was like, you want to try this? And the actor looked at me. Now we both locked eyes and thought, bad idea. Whatever that director said, awful awful idea and the guy

the other actor goes like this um i don't know i don't think that'll work and the director goes like this uh all right well i just thought it was fun because um okay and retreated backwards twisting his wrist that's the most bitch thing you can do is just be like uh okay uh yeah and so he did that and then that's it if a director makes that one fucking retreat move twisty arm shit your movie's gonna suck bro your movie's gonna suck you could have done the revenant you could have been like leonardo caprio get in that bear and leonardo caprio be like i'll wait a beat and then get in it and then you're like okay uh okay that movie's gonna suck shit leonardo would, fuck that. We're all out here in the middle of nowhere, and I got to be out here, and this movie's going to suck shit?

Eduardo Lafon's Caron, or whoever did that movie? It's probably not even that director that I'm trying to fucking think of. Eduardo Lafon's Caron, you know? So, he did The Shape of Water, whatever the fuck that guy's name is, you know? Oh, man. I want to watch the – some movies I just want to watch so bad and I just won't ever watch them. Like Shape of Water. I think it looks so interesting and then I go to look at it on the fucking Netflix or iTunes, whatever it is, and then I look at it for a little bit and I go, nah.

And I think I'll die before I watch that movie. And it's probably great. And people will be like, you should really go see it. You really should see it. You really, really should see it. It won the Oscar. And I go like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'll never see it. Anyway. Eduardo Lafonso Caron killed that fucking movie probably. But I'm an ignoramus. Believe in yourself is what I'm trying to say. Don't bitch out But yeah one time Oh man one time I was playing a fucking

I must have been 21 And I was beefy dude When I was 21 I was beefy You think the fucking Lord of the Rings have a place to shoot right now Bro Forget that They did all those movies back then Right on the back of my fucking shoulders.

I would hear way in the background. Oh, yeah, that's right. And dude, like Eduardo Lafonso Caron could do fucking Revenant back here. Revenant 2. T-O-O. Revenant also. And so I was with my buddy who is fucking goddamn hilarious intentionally and also unintentionally like one time we were talking about one time we were

talking we were i was probably 23 this is before this is the after i'm doing it like pulp fiction i'm doing a little bit here and then i'm going back a little bit and then you find out i was dead at the end um so he was like he was like uh hey uh you know he wasn't really getting chicks the way he he wanted to get chicks he wasn't getting laid and he wanted to get laid because he was fucking 25 6 something you know what i mean and one time he was like i was like well why don't you just like Hit on not as hot chicks You know you might have a better chance And this way you work your confidence up And then you start hitting on

You know hitting on and hooking up with the hotter chicks And he was like And he was getting so frustrated at the time And he would always do this That's how I learned that this is bitch And he said And dude I'll never forget this He said

I will not hook up with some standard girls. I will not hook up with some standard girls. And dude, and I will never forget that. I will not hook up with some standard girls. And dude, and I was like, ah, I think that was the first time I went, ah. And it was awesome. And I laughed. And that guy hasn't been laid in two years now.

And this is 20 years later. I just talked to him. Sadness. Real life sadness. You think shit's going on, dude? You think people are fucking, you think what, Corona, the economy? You think that this shit's fucking everything up? My buddy hasn't gotten laid for two years.

Sadness. Sadness. up my buddy hasn't gotten laid for two years sadness sadness um you know what i mean like that's that's brutally but you know i guess it's the kind of thing like one time when i was in a carpool i used to be carpool going as kid going to school with a kid with a bunch of different kids in a van with that fucking siding that was like a wooden siding. Whoever put cars with the wooden siding on the outside, it's like, what are you making, a car or a fucking house? What is it, the Breaking Bad mobile? So one time, and the kid, the older kid, he said, yeah, I don't really watch TV. I said, really?

He said, yeah, because one time I was grounded. I couldn't watch TV all summer. And then I just got into the habit and never never really wanted to watch tv and that's what's happening with my buddy only what it happens to do with getting his dick wet and i'll tell you what that is 100 not sensational so that is absolutely not sensational that is absolutely not sensational um anyway let's see i was telling oh yeah so this is what i was going back to like i go back back back, back. My shit is steps.

I went a little bit forward. I went back. It's like Time Cop. You go back and forth or Pulp Fiction just in a different editing way. So my shit time travels. Okay. So I thought I just stepped in dog shit. So anyway, we were doing this thing game with a bunch of girls and guys

and uh my buddy we had to hum a song like the first few seconds of a song and then whoever guessed it got a point or some shit whatever it was the fucking worst game of all time and we couldn't do the lyrics like you couldn't be out there and just be like i'll put a sign up right in the front window advertisement right in the front window and all of a sudden success coming out of the blue because you'd be like mush nick and son little shop of horrors of course right so so this guy was gonna sing this song this guy was gonna sing this song. This guy was going to sing this song downtown, right? Downtown, right?

Whatever the fuck that song is, that was probably in some Dustin Hoffman movie in 1981. So, downtown, right? And it was his turn, and that was the song he wanted to sing okay bro this is the most a bit shit ever okay there was a chin-up bar behind him all right in the room okay oh fuck this dude there was a chin-up bar behind him. And it was his turn. He was like, okay, go ahead. And he goes. Wait, hold on.

He goes. He goes. And then he goes. Downtown. And we started crying. The only thing he had to do was not say downtown. And he goes, downtown. And we, my other buddy and I, we looked at each other, immediate beet red faces, and we started crying like Japanimation.

And then my buddy got embarrassed that he said the word downtown, that he fucking pivoted, did a fucking, it was like he was Tony Gwynn swinging the bat. He just fucking twisted and walked over to the chin-up bar and fucking grabbed it and did two chin-ups. Oh! He did two fucking chin-ups, dude. Out of bitchness. did two fucking chin-ups dude out of bitchness imagine being so insecure and bitch that he was doing the twisty when he was singing he was going downtown and then he realized he did it we fucking started japanimation crying and he twisted walked on over he didn't run he walked like fast walk like he saw something that he wanted at the mall really quickly. And then he just did two fucking chin-ups.

And then, oh, my God, dude. I was 23 and I knew that was a bitch. That guy hasn't been laid in two years. He didn't listen. He didn't listen. You know, coming to you live from the Congratulations podcast. This is episode 168. Make sure to check out Chris D'Elia's No Pay, non-Netflix.

Too loud. Had it too loud in my headphones. That was the Jeremy Renner sting. But yeah, my special comes out. Special comes out. Hi, we're here live with Chris D'Elia. Sometimes you fucking see those guys when you used to... I used to do a bunch of press and stuff for

like uh uh on the road you have to wake up at 6 30 in the morning and you have to go to um you'd have to go to uh wherever if you're in like some fucking playing the atlanta improv or whatever it is and you go and you go like 20 minutes away and you go to some radio station at six o'clock in the morning and these guys guys, you'd sit on them with T and in front of their TV, you know, in TV for their morning news. And I'd be like, we've got Chris D'Elia here.

He's all weekend at the Atlanta improv. So tell us Chris. And they would be so close. You know, you sit, you don't think about this, but when you're doing an interview with somebody, you're really close to them because they want to get it in one shot.

You're not far away. It looks weird with, there's too much space in between. So what happens is you're way closer than you should be in real life, but on camera, it looks nice all right and uh those guys are the best because you can they're the only guys in the world that you can hear their face they they're like so so tell me chris you got this new stuff going on so tell me how it is to work material on the road and they'll lean in and you can hear their face because they got to keep that smile plastered and it's cracking and you feel it kind of like just kind of like cracking a little bit and you can hear that.

It's very, very small, but you can hear that. And I just wanted you to know that because we talk about the most important news here at fucking Congratulations Podcast with Crystal Lea fucking PR. And I'll tell you, man. I ain't got no motherfucking. That's why I fucked your bitch. So rude. So anyway, man, that's kind of what's going on in my life. My special comes out.

Make sure to check it out and uh check it out and stuff there was a fucking guy in my man i'm thinking a lot of stuff when i was a kid yo was that one fire was that from your friends or was that from my friends check it out and stuff oh yeah wait was it johnny san? He does that? Oh, fuck. That was so funny. I thought that was like a high school friend. This is how my memory is so fucked up, dude. Johnny Sanchez is fucking hilarious, dude.

Anyway, that's right. God, I got to ask him about that. I went live on Instagram earlier today, and I had never – it was like an hour ago, so you can check that out. Not that that – I mean, here's me on my podcast, which you shouldn't't even be listening to promoting my instagram live that you shouldn't even be listening to so but bieber fucking asked to talk asked to do the split screen and we did the split screen and it's pretty cool uh that he did that i never did split screen with somebody but you know times are changing and he said he's gonna watch my special at midnight with his wifey. That's very cute. Um, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, I'll do ads now. That'll be a good time to do ads.

I'm glad I thought of that. Dude, that's like that Grover character, Super Grover. Hmm, yeah, I'm glad I thought of that. And you're like, no, uh, Super Grover, I, okay. Hmm, I'm glad I thought of that. And you're like, it was me, okay. no, Super Grover, I, okay. Hmm, I'm glad I thought of that. And you're like, it was me, okay. Okay, Super Grover.

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visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply god that pizza gate thing is so funny my my netflix special's out, everybody. Go check it out. Watch this special. I watched this. Speaking of Netflix, I watched this show because I was watching Breaking Bad and just needed a break, you know? Me and wifey watching Breaking Bad, I needed a fucking break because it's too, it's just too intense. And we were like, let's retire Breaking Bad and let's watch Doomsday Preppers.

Now, she wanted to go to sleep. It pissed me off. All good. I wanted to stay awake and watch Doomsday Preppers to fucking kind of cancel out the Breaking Bad. Now, does it piss me off? Yes. Is it okay? Sure.

It's fine. Somebody's got to get up at 6 a.m. and feed my baby. But I watch Doomsday Preppers, and these people are like the people that think that Pizzagate is real. I watched two episodes because that's how I do. When some shit's on Netflix, sometimes I watch two episodes. I don't watch three or four unless it's like some real hot shit. But sometimes I like to test shit out. I like to dip my toes in the Netflix water.

You know what I mean? I like to do that. If something's called Doomsday Preppers, you're goddamn right I'm not going to watch the whole thing. But I'm going to dip my toe in it because I'm a curious George. Okay? And if you have a problem with that, then get to stepping. These people are fucking nuts, though. How about that?

It's actually a really good, well-put-together show. These guys talk about the world. They're scared of either terrorist attacks. so one guy's in a mobile home and he just drives everywhere and he drives fucking everywhere and he's got like satellite hooked up he could he blogs from his shit i forget what his name is but he's online and shit he's got a podcast that he he does from his mobile home and he just keeps driving dude and he's got like a crossbow and guns just in case and he sets up the security cameras so he can see heat heat coming to it it's like and he's just like look man if a terrorist attack comes i'm gonna be on i'm gonna be on the road

i'm i'm gonna drive to where it's safe and they're like well what about gas and he's like well that's my only thing that i'm worried about i have like a year's worth of supplies eating wise in my trunk here. And he's got like fucking shit that he needs to plant and like dried food that he needs to add water to. And he makes his own water and shit. He makes everything. And it's just so insane. And I'm just like, dude, how are you running from terrorism every day of your life? Not sure if something's going to happen in the meantime

you're not living your fucking life like dude if terrorists are going to get me he's like he's like because you know how i win he's like me stay in mobile that's how i win and i go like this out loud to wifey i say he lost already and she goes and i'm more pissed wake up bitch we're watching doomsday preppers excuse me bitch doomsday preppers is on you know she goes like this a lot when we're watching tv. It's too loud. And I'm just like, for fucking who, dude? Can you just turn it lower?

For fucking what? I get pissed. Yes. Yeah. Did you guys enjoy your fucking quarantine to Easter did you do that another guy was on another guy was on doomsday preppers and he was uh underground

oh what about the sun hey dude are you a fucking gopher what about a son what about the sun another guy was on what was the other guy there was another guy that was oh he was he had a self sustainable fucking he's like i don't have any more cash he's like i don't have money i barely i don't have any bills though the only thing i have bills on is his cell phone

and i have enough money to cover my cell phone for a few years and he was like and i don't even need to you know if a cell phone who cares if i have a cell phone tonight and his wife was like yeah let's go practice shooting things in the yard and he was like okay and they get he got fucking the only time they're ever going to use it is during this fucking show doomsday preppers also he was like that's the thing if invaders come to find my place because my place is really good then i could fucking ward them off with these guns and we've got places in my yard that we have coolers of shit of food and bullets and guns and sniper rifles and he was like so we're good and i'm like but what about the show but what about how everyone's gonna see where you live now because it's on netflix and everybody's watching netflix

watch my special it's streaming now no pain but yeah that's like that whole thing when it was when it's like when it's like when they show like the fucking movies or not the movies sorry the docuseries is where it's like about gang life real deal or whatever they all the fucking movies or not the movies sorry the docu-series is where it's like about gang life real deal or whatever they all the fucking titles are the same it's like gang life blood for glory gang life real deal streets the streets of la gang life bloods versus crip the lifestyle blood blood blood in blood out gang life gang gang gang and fucking gang Gang with the fucking gangersons You know It's all named the same shit

And then you get the guy That was like This was a top don of the couple of the fucking Of the fucking crips From 1980 to 1995 And he was just like yeah man you know We had to kill motherfuckers just for looking at us the wrong way

we killed about 3-4 motherfuckers just looking at us the wrong way we killed about 3-4 motherfuckers looking at us the wrong way and we killed much more than that for motherfuckers who do much more than that if you know what I mean and I'm just at home like hey get em this is if you know what I mean. And I'm just at home like, hey, get him.

This is TV. Are you confessing on videotape? Get him. Are cops watching? What cops are at home are just like, fuck it, I'm off duty. I ain't watching. I'm not going to get him.

Where am I going? In a fucking Jacksonville? Because that's where all crimes happen. If a crime didn't happen in Jacksonville, guess what didn't happen that's my whole motto that's how i'm gonna run for fucking mayor of los angeles if a crime didn't happen in jacksonville it didn't happen mayor of jacksonville jacksonville fucking sucks anyway um jacksonville doesn't suck dude i've had some fucking awesome shows in Jacksonville I'm just playing dude

ladies I'm playing I'm playing yeah bro I'm a nosy neighbor bro just so you know I'm a nosy neighbor just so you Just so you know. I'm a nosy neighbor. Just so you fucking know. What are you going to do about that?

Hey, dude. Is looking illegal? No, peeping is. But I'm not peeping. I'm just looking. I took a walk with my family the other day. Just looking. Exited the house.

Took a walk left just looking around you know what the difference is I don't do this peeping I'll just stick my face in the brush

I'm not peeping I'm looking dude and then they go like this stop peeping and I go I wasn't using my hands this is a free country isn't that right Chris come on shut the fuck up come on let's go everyone he's crying

bro I don't pee what are you doing dude oh you're on a walk oh dude do I look in backyards yeah yeah do I look in backyards? Yeah. Yeah. Do I look in... Do I look in... Bro. Hey.

Motherfuckers are like, you look in backyards? Bro, I look... I'm so gangster. I look in side yards. You understand me? If you got a fucking branch that's not covering, that's where eyes go man that's where my fucking eyes go so if i'm taking a stroll which i am right now because covid if i'm taking a fucking stroll and there's a and your branch fucked up if your branch was going to cover it but the sun hit it

weird and it started to grow that way my face goes right there and i ain't peeping them but i'm looking and you got nice ass furniture, dude. You got a pool and a tennis court and I could see both sides. You understand me, dude? And if you have a side yard, I'm all over that shit. Cause it's easy to see side yards. Can't see my backyard. My backyard's hidden. Go ahead. Peep. Go ahead. Try to look. Hey, go ahead peep go ahead try to look hey try to look at my shit go ahead go ahead i survey the fucking area branches growing the wrong way i fucking move the branches you can't see shit motherfucker and i have cool neighbors and they can't see shit i have cool neighbors dude one super famous and i won't even tell you who but uh yeah dude so I don't peep, but I look, dude.

When someone drives by, hey, what are you doing? Oh. Just looking. That's illegal. No, I have my hands in my pocket. They have a hole for my face. I'm just looking. Ah, you rascal.

There's fucking low holes too I'm going to tell my son fucking go ahead when you start walking you can use those low holes to look in check out the side yard buddy I fucking can't wait to tell my I can't wait to teach my son almost illegal shit you know what I mean almost illegal shit and then he goes I mean? Almost illegal shit.

And then he goes like, but dad, isn't that bad? And I go like this. Not if you know the words how to describe it. Not if you know how to describe it. Not if you know how to describe it. But isn't peeping bad? Excuse me, son. We're just looking.

Oh, I get it now. Looking, not peeping. Yeah, so I got a question, too, about OnlyFans. And I know I've talked about this and I've caught some heat on the podcast, but if I'm not catching heat, I'm not relevant. So throw the heat my way, man. This shit's hot. I'm ready. But OnlyFans is an interesting thing because why do girls do it?

Okay? Now, I don't mean why do all girls do it. But what I mean is why do all the girls who do it do it? Now, that's different. Now, if you were my buddy on a text chain, you would argue that this is the same and I would get mad and I would say, too late, I agree with me.

But all the girls who do it don't need to do it. Most of the girls that would do it, I would argue, don't be doing it. Do you know why? Because they're showing you their fried butterfly. But fried butterfly. And if you need any more explanation than that than that this conversation or podcast isn't for you

because one time i was like hey dad my dad said yeah um we were at a basketball game for some fucking reason who was i but my dad was like uh we were talking about porn porn porn and my dad was like yeah i don't know i always thought it was kind of odd were talking about porn, porn, porn. And my dad was like, yeah, I don't know. I always thought it was kind of odd when a girl was a porn star and I was like, wanted to do porn. I was like, why? He was like, I don't know. I feel like, you know, maybe it means like something happened in your childhood or whatever. It makes you, whatever he was saying.

I don't know. I don't fucking want to out him, you know. But I was like, yeah, but you could probably be really a full, complete, well-adjusted person and still do porn. And he was like, yeah, I guess you're right. But then it's like – he said, but then it's like imagine you're like, yeah, I'm a well-adjusted person. I could get a real job and I can do things and I have hopes and dreams. But instead of that, I just want guys to come on my face. And I was like, hmm, very good point.

Okay? And we were at the hmm, very good point. Okay? And we were at the Clippers game. Who was I? Why were we there? You got free tickets or some shit. So OnlyFans is interesting because it's that whole thing where it's like, why doesn't every girl on Instagram have at least 20,000 followers? Like, you can do it, girl.

You can do anything because you're a girl and guys are dumb. A lot of those girls would take a sugar daddy. A lot of those girls would just marry for money. A lot of those girls are really hot. If you're hot, why are you doing only fans if deep down you just want to marry a fucking you don't have to fucking do all that shit because people who do only fans for the same thing goes for people who do instagram for for money you don't guys girls whatever i'm not this isn't this is not a sexist thing but like you you're not you don't want to work that hard you know what i'm talking

about you don't want to work that hard that's why you're fucking going like this hey three dollars to see my pussy right um so what are you doing doing it it's so interesting to think about look I love that there's only fans and I love when people do only fans because love seeing tits love seeing tits I got it man I see ad break yeah but it's just so fascinating man that some this covid thing happened i get it and you're like well i can't go out and work so fucking i want to show you my pussy so that's i get that make your fucking money dude for the people that really want to do it do it i guess it's maybe just like being on another job it's like yeah i don't want to be fucking bagging groceries or whatever

or at crate and barrel ringing up these fucking bullshit plates. But it's just kind of what I fell into. I guess it's the same thing. We figured it out. Yay, we figured it out. Yay. But hot girls can just get a free ride, man. They can literally get a free ride,

like a literal free ride. Like a hot girl can see you drive by and be like, excuse me, and you'll go, and be like, yes, sweetheart. And the girl's like, can I get a ride? And you're like, I wasn't going that way, but 100%. Hop on in. Literally, you can get a free ride. So what are you doing?

Jiggling your tits. But don't stop. We love them. Ladies, you know I'm just juggling. You know I'm playing. But don't stop. We love them. Ladies and gentlemen, you know I'm playing.

Anyway, who knows if I'll get fucking canceled because I said all that. What was I going to do? Ads? Let me get ads, dude. So that's what's up. So my special does come out. It's out now. And my brother did direct it.

And I just want to say I'm really fortunate, man. I really am fortunate. Sure, I worked hard and stuff. But I'm really lucky to be in the position that i am um and i realized that and i try i do think about that a lot and and my brother directed this special and it's just so cool that he did it because i love him and um i mean i really love him. Like, it's so awesome to have somebody like that. Like, people always say, like, how many kids do you want to have? And I'm like, two's good because I had one brother and no sisters and no other brother.

And everything that I didn't, couldn't talk to anybody about, I would do it with Matt because he was the only guy. And that bond because of that is awesome. Now, I'm not saying if you have three brothers or two sisters and a brother or whatever, you don't have that. But for me, I always felt cool that there was one other person

that I can confide in and just know that that motherfucker was down to ride. And so was I for him. And of course I had an open, uh, you know, family with my mom, my dad, I could talk to them about everything. I mean, the first time I, I, I masturbated, I walked down and I told him and I walked down and I saw, and I was crying for real, dude, I was a bitch. And I, and I said to my mom and my mom said, what the hell's wrong? She was eating like fucking jelly beans. My mom would always eat the jelly beans, and she would shuck them around her

hand a little bit before she popped them in her mouth. Dude, it drove me nuts. I was like, why don't you just pick them up and fucking eat them? Why do you have to make it a game? Like, daddy needs a new pair of shoes. Hey, there we go. But I was crying, and she was like, what's wrong? And I said, it happened. And I thought she knew what I was going to talk about. And she said, what? And I said, coming. And she said, ah, fucking go upstairs. Your dad's coming

home in 10 minutes. And that was when I got to talk about the birds and the bees and that is beautiful but anything i couldn't bring up i would talk to my brother about and you know i assume my brother did the same thing to me we never hated each other you know i think he went through some weird shit because uh i was the older brother and just you, it's weird when you're growing up with an older brother. I feel like you probably have to like, you know, I did everything first, you know. And then the second kid is like, okay, the second kid, we learned our mistakes and it's like if you have 11 kids,

the 11th kid is just like, oh yeah, what's his name again? You know, so i feel like uh really cool that my brother i feel lucky that my brother directed it because he's great first of all he's talented but besides that i love him and i genuinely love him deeply and to have him a part of this experience helps me you know i mean it was that way with my dad too it was the coolest thing he was in uh he was in uh the van i remember when i shot my first special he was in the van with the headphones on and i knew out there on stage he was

proud of me in that van you know and i would think about that while i was doing my special while i was fucking talking to those people in New Orleans. And I got in my head a little bit with stand-up through the years. Like, incorrigible, I felt good about. And then I started getting a little bit insecure because I didn't know what else to talk about. Man on Fire was something that came out after incorrigible. It was my third special. And the material I had, I loved. But I just wasn't in a good place in my life and my dad directed it

and it was great and I'm really proud of it and I was still in my head I shot comedians of the world I really liked the way it came out I don't I'm lucky to have uh what I have and I'm lucky to have shot what I have shot in my career. But this special, No Pain, which is one of the reasons why it's called No Pain because people always say comedy comes from pain, but I didn't really fucking experience much of that in my life and I'm fortunate for that. And I always used to think that it would make me insecure

that I didn't have that real shit to talk about as a comedian. And this one is just like, fuck all that. I have what I have and I'm really fucking lucky and I'm really fortunate. And I'm going to talk about what the fuck I'm going to talk about. And I'm like, I have my dad.

I'm like, I have a mom. I'm like, I have my own family, you know, and my brother directed it. And that's a real fucking special thing for me, man.

And, uh, so, you know, thank you, Matt, for doing it, and you made it great. You know, it's cool to have a support system. I don't know. I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear or not wanted to hear.

I mean, sometimes I talk like that, and then people end up fucking being like, fuck you, bro, because, oh, you don't know what real pain is, and it's like, and then people end up fucking being like fuck you bro because oh you don't know what real pain is and it's like okay but some people fucking you know look i'm just trying to be honest with you guys sometimes um but yeah so i'm excited i'm really fucking excited and uh thanks for to everybody that ever has come out to see me and fucking supported me online or even if you haven't come out to see me and fucking supported me online. Or even if you haven't come out to see me, if you just fucking tell somebody I'm funny, that's so cool.

And I appreciate that. What else did I want to talk about? Sorry I went into fucking some serious shit there. But I want to talk about something else that was funny. What was it? I have it right here. The fucking person who said that dessert is gay. Did you see this?

This fucking chick tweets. Of course it changed. No, I don't fucking have it. Here we go. A guy ordering dessert on a date is a red flag for me. That's a female thing to do for real. This girl writes.

And then she writes, if a guy is on a date with a woman, the woman should be the only one asking for appetizers and dessert. Many meals in capital. Like seriously, you can just taste some of whatever I ordered. What the frigging fuck is wrong with this girl? You know,

to actually be like, I liked it To actually be like, I like that. First of all, I like that she has a hard opinion on appetizers. That's my shit, dude. To have a hard opinion about nothing, that's right in my fucking wheelhouse. But this chick, dude, and then she went on to say something like, order two meals if you're extra hungry, but don't get dessert. Imagine a girl. First of all, since when is eating the most not what a man does?

I eat fucking two meals. I eat my meal, scarf it down, and I wait for my lady to finish that shit. And when she doesn't, I go, oh, yeah. I'm like that guy in that yellow suit behind the tree meme. Oh, yeah. I'm like that guy. Bro, that shit's going in my mouth. When my lady does, sometimes I'm out to dinner.

Dinner. Like I'm a cleaning lady. dinner dinner like i'm a cleaning lady sometimes i'm out to dinner with my fucking uh her and uh my opener or some shit and she's like you want it to him and i'm like motherfucker that's mine bro and i tell him i stop it with him sometimes i say just so you know when she tries to offer you some shit it's not yours it's mine you. You understand me? And he goes, oh, bro, it's up to her. And I said, no, it's not, bro. Being a man is eating it all. Being a man is eating it all.

It's like that old Kenny Loggins song. Being a man is eating it all. Fucking two meals and dessert and appetizer yeah um but yeah dude i like that she had a hard description a hard opinion not description very weird have a brain tumor all good um and then people take it serious seriously you know one day you will learn that the only thing that that's gay is homosexuality feminist, and anal kinks are not gay. Definitely not eating dessert or appetizers as well. Yeah, all right.

Thanks for the fucking break. Live news. We're giving you live news. We got this just in. One day you'll learn that the only thing that's gay is homosexuality. Feminine traits and anal kinks are not gay. Definitely not eating dessert or appetizers as well, LMFAO. Anal kinks are not gay.

Tonight at 11, are anal kinks gay? Tune in to find out. Ooh, can't wait till 11 are anal kinks gay dude are a are anal kinks gay or are they just sensational sensational um anal kinks you know just say ass fucking if a girl straps on a dick and fucks a guy in the ass that's not gay straight up it's not gay you're fucking a girl it's not gay i know people, you know, the brothers like to be like, oh, hell yeah. I ain't gay.

I don't do that shit. You know what I mean? But like, bro, it's not gay. You're fucking a girl. You're fucking a girl with a strap on. If a girl puts a strap on and fucks your butt, you're not gay. You like a strap on in your butt. If you fuck a guy and he's fucking you in the butt,

gay. That's it. That's the rule. If you're kissing on some dude and you jerk off a little bit, the dude, and also yourself, you got two dicks in your hands,

but one of them's yours, gay. If a girl with tits and a pussy and no dicks straps on a dick and fucks you in the butt, that's it. You're partying with a chick

and you're straight as a motherfucker. Rolling with the homies. And the fucking best part about it is I agree with myself. I heard Dr. Drew say it on fucking Loveline once in 1999, so I know it's true. Rolling with the homies. So dessert. Imagine you think desserts gay. I imagine this girl thinks if a girl straps on a fucking dick and plugs her butthole with it, that is definitely gay.

What if the guy ordered dessert and then afterwards when you hook up with him, he's like, we put this on and fuck my butt. ordered dessert and then afterwards when you hook up with him, he's like, will you put this on and fuck my butt? She would be like, and arrive at her nest destination like this. The guy with the dildo. The guy with the dildo. I've never had anything in my ass I don't even like talking about this shit but I really haven't and and and I was talking to a guy once and he was like yeah I haven't either one time

when I was in the shower I tried to put when I was younger I tried to put a little bit of a shampoo bottle in my butt and it felt kind of good but that's all I ever did and I was younger, I tried to put a little bit of a shampoo bottle in my butt, and it felt kind of good, but that's all I ever did. And I was like, okay. But I never had anything in my butt. I don't know. It just seems like it would be uncomfortable. Who knows? I don't know.

That's a hard stance, though. People don't really agree with me on that dr drew dr drew does in 1999 though play us fuck what else man do i have anything else to talk about i forget oh right at an hour we did it my babies i'm sweaty dude this shirt it says shirt, it says, Back Up the Brinks Truck. It's fan-made. Somebody gave it to me like four, five years ago at an improv somewhere. He was like, My dad makes shirts here.

Back in... Oh, wait, no, it wasn't. It's like four years ago, I guess. How old is this podcast? That's when I was saying this shit. Quitter questions. Twitter questions. Who am I?

Foghorn? Layhorn? Crystalia, how bitch is it to throw something out of anger and then have to go pick it up? Seen food shopping today from GrahamJ42. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty bitch. I mean, it all depends on how you do it. If Jason Statham did it, it would be less bitch than if fucking Bill Gates did it

You know what I mean If you tuck in your shirt pretty much whatever you're going to do Has a little bit of an added bitch Um Here's another one Greg Cash Hey Chris Talia And congrats

When are we getting a collab of Eminem And Cenk Smith Yeah I mean dude you know I'm all for it. You probably, you might want to talk to the stork. You probably have to ask Eminem about that because I'm all in, but I doubt that'll ever happen. Hannah Mercer, at jumpoffaboat. Do people ever take photos of you from a distance without approaching you? Of course.

That's what people used to get mad at me. I don't really do this too much anymore, but I used to film people from a distance and make jokes and stuff and put it on my Instagram and shit. And I started to feel bad doing that. My whole thing was, yeah, but people record me way more than I record anybody else. So fuck that i think that that was maybe the wrong way to look at it i felt bad doing that i still do it every now and then if their face isn't really in it but i don't like putting people on blast like i have too many followers like i feel bad doing it but yeah people do it to me all the time and when i

catch people doing it i walk right up to him bro i walk right up to him i say hey if you want to pick just ask that's some gangster shit and only one time i was wrong the guy wasn't taking pictures he was just trying to find cell service so i felt really shitty um i was like hey man if you want a picture just ask he said huh i was just looking for service and i said i'm david cofferfield and then i ran away uh none of that happened i made up that last part uh gotta be honest on the fucking congratulations podcast. Anyway, you guys are great. So that's what's up. That's it. And let's see.

Was there anything else I wanted to talk about? Dessert's gay. People say dessert's gay. This chick says dessert's gay. I'm on your mom's house with Tom Segura. It drops tomorrow. I'm doing Rogan tomorrow. My special comes out.

Man, it's going to be Chris D'Elia day. If you ever watch any video of me on YouTube, that shit is going to be Chris chrystalia for you when you fucking open up your shit i'll tell you that much man my shit's gonna be fucking up the algorithm i'm trying to fucking break the internet man no pain comes out it's out no pains out streaming on netflix watch it you guys are great uh thank you so much for supporting me can't wait for you to see my new special on Netflix. And that's it, really. You can text me. The number is, you just go to my Instagram and hit text. And you can text me on there.

And tweet me. And use that hashtag, NoPainNetflix. That helps me out. Because then I can see it. I click on that hashtag, NoPainNetflix. If you're watching it, let me know. And maybe I'll do a watch party a little bit later about this shit. And we can all watch it together. But thank you, guys., let me know. And maybe I'll do a watch party a little bit later about this shit. And we can all watch it together.

But thank you, guys. You guys are great. And that's it, man. Bye-bye. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. C-C-C-Congratulations! C-C-C-Congratulations!

C-C-Congratulations motherfuckers! C-C-Congratulations motherfuckers! C-C-Congratulations motherfuckers! C-C-Congratulations motherfuckers! C-C-Congratulations motherfuckers! Alright. I'm turning this off now.