Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 169. The Man In the Arena

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

It's episode 169 and everyone's staying at home! How was your 4-20? Today we talk about Chris finally finishing Breaking Bad, Kanye beeping, scatting, remaking the The Walking Dead, a quote from Teddy Roosevelt, and STEROIDS. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. What's up, my babies? It's episode 169 of Congratulations. Yeah, man, took his final sips of water right at that countdown, dude. I took it. I was like, I drank a little bit of water.

And then the fucking countdown was happening. And he goes three. And my technician goes two. And my fire goes one. And he didn't. You know, they do it when they do it when they're like. And here we go in three, five, four, three. That's like, just say the number.

It's fine if everyone hears you say 2-1, you know? But anyway, how was your 420, dude? Did you toke it up? Did you fucking get faded? Did you smoke that sticky icky? Did you fucking take that chocolate tie? Did you do the, that purple urple, did you smoke that magic dude,

I got fucking high as shit dude, you know me, I got high, woke up, rolled over, ate a brownie, and just fucking took it to la la land, dude I just took it to la la land all day man and i was toking and smoking fuck man did some heroin did some fucking shooting and sucking with my nose i don't give a shit i was high as fuck 420 with weed coke cocaína and all that shit man i fucking can't get enough of it it's the only day i do drugs 420 i do all the drugs i've ever seen you know i've never done drugs okay and i'm being silly because this is a fucking silly podcast fucking can't get enough of it. It's the only day I do drugs. 420. I do all the drugs I've ever seen. You know, I've never done drugs. Okay. And I'm being silly because this is a fucking silly podcast. Don't ever take what I'm saying for real. But you know what is the truth is I definitely, uh, I definitely put up an Instagram the other day about how I was token.

And it was something that bleach media made. They made a lot of, they make a lot of funny content on Instagram. And I did a thing where I unwrapped a candy and ate a candy, and it was just a regular candy. It was a regular chocolate candy. Do you understand? And fucking Bleach Media made it so it was a joint

and put a fucking Rastafarian hat on me, and that music was playing. You know that one reggae song? That's every song. That one reggae song? That's every reggae song? And it song that's that one reggae song that's every reggae song and it was going and then i ate the candy but it looked like i was smoking a joint and i posted that and it looks ridiculous okay and somebody writes dude i thought you said you

didn't smoke i thought you said you didn't do drugs on netflix i thought you said you didn't do drugs in your last stand-up special. And I was like, yeah, well, it's fake. And also, the hat's fake, too. Not really smoking that cartoon blunt. And then I said, hey, it's a fake blunt. And also,

the hat's fake. And then some guy goes like this. Actually, it's a spliff. Hey, it's nothing. Hey, it's actually nothing, though. Dude, this is it, man. It's the real world coming right, coming live at you at the real world. It's Chris Aaliyah here bringing you the real world and the real content that you need. Fuck NPR.

You know how we do. But yeah, man, it's congratulations episode number 169. I can't believe how many fucking episodes I did. I did. I went on a campaign blitz, dude. My special came out. Holy shit, man. I never had this many eyeballs on anything I did except for maybe that show you.

I can't believe how many people visited my profile and shit. It's crazy. It's actually overwhelming. And thank you to everybody who watched my Netflix special, No Pain. I really appreciate you guys. You know, I can't thank you enough. I love doing it. I love doing stand-up.

It's my whole life. And for everybody that continues to watch me do this shit, genuinely thank you from the bottom of my heart uh and in the meantime since we can't do stand up we're doing this podcast and i find fun doing the podcast too but if it doesn't grow you know i'll pull the plug if the podcast doesn't get bigger and bigger if it doesn't get the fucking wave going and then if it trends down fine but i better hit that second wave like the coronavirus they said they're going to be two three waves and that the second wave is going to be worse and that the third wave is not going to be as bad as the first or second wave and that's what happened in the

spanish flu and that's what also is going to happen with the fucking with that rona so um you know i don't know if it's so fucking it's so it's so horrible to have to not ever do anything, but I'm here for you, babies. And just keep listening, man. We're growing this cult. Whether we can go outside or not, we're growing this cult, period. But thank you for staying in and watching. Well, you had to stay in. Well, thank you for staying safe, really.

And you watched No Pain, and that shit hit number four on Netflix for two days in a row, and then I think the next day was like number nine or something. That's just a lot of eyeballs, man. I think the next day was like number nine or something. That's just a lot of eyeballs, man. I've never been so visual. It's very overwhelming. You know, I thought this was going to be a party, man. I thought I was going to be like, my special's out. But I got like fucking overwhelmed, man. The human in me started to fucking crack.

And I'm just like, man, everybody's watching. Y'all watching, though? So anyway, 420 took the fucking sting out of that one. I took that little bit of that sticky icky, that little, oh, wait, that little purple urple, that magic dust, and then fucking sniff some Bolivian marching powder. Where's it marching? All the way up my fucking nose. Is that a fucking, is that from something?

I feel like that's from something. I don't know. But yeah, dude. We're fucking doing it. And guess what, man? It's the nighttime podcast now. This is the third nighttime podcast we've had in a row. And your boy fires on all cylinders because that's when he performs.

But I can't do the podcast at fucking nighttime because I'm usually doing stand-up but that fucking rona ruined all that the fucking bacteria and the virus is fucked all that up so your boy's live and fucking in his goddamn basement just crushing it you know maybe you're laughing maybe you're not i don't know dude i don't know maybe you're laughing maybe you're not but either way i can't hear. I don't know. Maybe you're laughing. Maybe you're not. But either way, I can't hear you. So it doesn't fucking matter. You know who started that coronavirus is Zoom. The makers of Zoom started that coronavirus. That shit is insane. How many? Everyone's like, you Zoom? Dude, the second somebody coughed, it just went, and someone went, you want to Zoom? And now everybody does fucking Zoom. It's unbelievable.

Everyone's Zooming. People that got no business Zooming, they're Zooming. They're like, you want to Zoom? I'm like, what happened to FaceTime? Oh, yeah, Zoom now. I did a Zoom with fucking eight comic buddies. It was fun as shit, man. We roasted each other.

You weren't invited, but it's all good. Maybe we'll do that. Maybe we'll let like a few fans in. That would be hilarious, man. Me, Andrew Santino, and a bunch of others. And just Zooming with some fans roasting. I got to make this money, though. like a few fans in that would be hilarious man me andro santino and a bunch of others and just zooming with some fans roasting i gotta make this money though the problem is i can't make money on any new shit unless some of the proceeds go to like fucking masks or some shit

so i gotta fucking figure out how i'm gonna help the world you know your boy has got to help the world i gotta help the world more man i really do you know people i gotta help the world more i gotta start i gotta start some fund or some shit i gotta start a foundation is what i gotta do and i'll tell you what else i gotta do is stop eating these fucking cookies late at night dude i finished breaking bad yes whoa i finished breaking bad whoa yo it's white my fucking my arms white as shit but it's also lumpy you know what that means man your boy does some chin ups yeah it's white he doesn't go outside because

he's inside doing chin ups I'm a fucking prisoner inside dude just have you seen prisoners workout bro first of all let's talk about Breaking Bad and then we'll talk about prisoners workout I saw some prison workouts on YouTube and it's unbelievable, dude. Those motherfuckers are the most fit, jacked dudes on the planet. How come black dudes in the prison are so jacked, white dudes in prison are either so frail or fat as shit? And all, I mean, it's unbelievable, dude.

White guys in prison, if they're jacked, they're also fat. They have a belly. Black dudes, they're so top heavy, they're always running because they can't help it because they're jacked they're also fat they have a belly black dudes they're so top heavy they're always running because they can't help it because they're falling over dude i can't believe black dudes in prison they're so jacked it's unbelievable but let's talk about breaking bad i finally watched it and this is very timely my babies this is very timely i know the fucking show ended in 2013 seven years ago but your boy just watched it I was waiting for a time to watch it because I don't watch shows like that. I don't just continually watch. I don't watch all seasons of anything.

The only thing I've ever seen every episode of is I actually missed one episode of Dexter. But besides that, I've seen the whole shit on Dexter. And let me tell you something, man. I was talking about this on the Rogan podcast. I did this last week. We're talking to Rogan about it, but I think shows can only be good for about five seasons, maybe seasons dude but the second you do you're walking dead it the second you're just

like well let's just keep going and keep making money and rogan brought up a popular uh um a very good point you don't want to end the show because all these people working on it that's their livelihood and you don't want to end the show creatively just because these other motherfuckers that's what they get their job that's where they get their paycheck from so you got a guy who's holding the fucking mic he's just like oh this is the last season okay cool guess i'll fucking sell my place like you don't want the guy holding the thing or the ladies holding the bagel putting out the spread for craft service oh this is the last season well okay i'll move to van nuys oh this is the last season okay i'll just move to

the outskirts of atlanta you don't want to do that dude let me tell you right now man let me tell you right fucking now if i ever get a show on the air my show i'm talking about my shit now we're on the lead where it's my shit where i produce it okay i'm i'm doing two things i'm doing one of two things i'm either stopping it four seasons in and getting the fuck out and just making some shit that hits the zeitgeist hopefully or i'm running that shit into the ground i'm doing i'm talking i'm i'm talking about if it's a hit, I'm doing 12 seasons. And they're like, well, what do you think? I said, we got more seasons.

Really? The lead character isn't even in it anymore, by the way. Nobody in the original show is in the show if it goes 12 seasons. They've all died either of fucking characters killing them or natural causes in real life. And we don't even explain it. They're just dead. And we're like, oh, a new guy's playing him now. And then that guy dies because we have to kill off the character

and then there's just a new cast and the show becomes about something else like dude if i was making the walking dead how's this for a fucking youtube clip dude if i was making the walking dead that shit lasts about six seasons and then the shit cures i don't give a fuck what happened in the graphic novels it doesn't matter i get I get it. Graphic novels, okay, everyone's going to be like, oh, yeah, but what about this? No matter what. It's not true to the – I don't give a shit. It's not true to it because it's a different medium. Your boy is different on his podcast than he is in you, than he is on stage at stand-up.

You want the raw, real deal? You get it here. You know what I mean? You want a hot flame performance? You get it here. You know what I mean? You want a hot flame performance? You get it there on stage. If you want me tied up, acting my chops off, dude, then you turn on you.

If I take a graphic novel like fucking Walking Dead and I do it for six seasons and it becomes the biggest show on television like it did, guess what? The virus, the seventh season is cured and then everyone starts to get new jobs and then it becomes a fucking office comedy and if you think I'm fucking a dude

if somebody did that dude that would be unbelievable they all got real jobs and now all of a sudden they're like working construction and it becomes a fucking movie it becomes a TV show about like a the whoever the lead character is at that point has a construction job and he's trying to keep his family afloat in the fucking times of of like and it's just a completely

different show and and half the idiots out there don't even know what the fuck they're watching anymore they're just like oh wait the walking dead is all and i'm going to change the title too by the by the 11th season i'm changing the goddamn title. It's called fucking construction. That is what fucking shows need to do. Stop drilling it into the ground. Oh, really? Walkers? Oh, they're walking around?

Let me guess. Someone gets bitten. Let me guess. On an all new Walking Dead, someone we love gets bitten. Fuck that. that cure the virus and put them all in fucking kinkos dude no more

frigging zombies just hey got those copies cool you know what you're gonna get fired if you keep on fucking up I know on an all-new walking dead what's the guy's name rick the main guy on an all-new walking dead rick gets his pilot license

and starts flying for American Airlines. All right. You got to buckle up. Hopefully, you got to understand. The fucking stewardesses, and we swear now because it's on a completely different channel. It's on HBO. The fucking stewardesses are coming by with drinks. They'll take your order. This is a cashless system.

We need your card with the chip. We've got a four hour and 12 minute flight. Hi. What seems to be the problem? My Wi-Fi doesn't work. Let me fix it. Whoops. Boink.

Falls because it's a fucking comedy about airplanes now. Dude. Whoa. I figured it out. Fuck your show if it goes seven seasons seriously Breaking Bad got in and out dude Breaking Bad got in and out the fucking dude was a fucked up chemistry teacher oh what do I do to save my family I know I'll cook math bam first season second season oh shit I'm in over my head well why don't I fucking shave it bam Bam, second season. He looks different. Third fucking thing. Oh, no, I'm in a whole fucking thing with this guy from Albuquerque and that really fucking proper guy named Giancarlo Esposito is just like,

I know who you are. And then fucking what happens in his season over his head? Oh, shit, he can't get out. Bam, fourth season. Now what happens? Oh, the cancer's gone. And fucking Aaron Paul's in a basement somewhere. Bam, fifth season.

Now he's out for blood. He's out for blood because he has to kill everybody that's it dude if amc was like dude we make we're gonna make you more money and you do more seasons then i go like this well then guess what man new characters new plot breaking because they'll call it Breaking Bad. I don't give a shit. It's about, the fucking show's about a shark now in captivity. So yeah, I don't know.

I mean, it's one thing if it's a comfort show, like if it's like fucking, what do you call it, with the geeks on the ABC, the most successful show of all time, the geeks.

They should just call that show Geeks. What the fuck's it called? With the guys who do all the dorks on the bazoonga, bazanga. The fuck is it? The guy won the Emmy for it. Big Bang Theory. Woo-hoo! He's uncultured, folks.

Big Bang Theory on CBS. Not on ABC and not called the geeks Oh man that's so awesome Breaking Bad is the shit God damn fuck you dude You know And then people are like Did you see the wire though

Yeah I saw the wire dude alright Why don't you just fucking relax I saw the wire okay It's good. But relax. You compare a show to Breaking Bad, you get to stepping, dude. Goddamn, that motherfucker made King's Speech look like goddamn, uh, what's his name

stepping inside the ring? CM Punk. I swear to God, fucking King's Speech, Colin Firth saw fucking Bryan Cranston make that phone call to his wife about how I did it. And you had nothing to do with it when the phone was tapped. And Colin Firth went like this. Oh, all right, fuck it. I quit acting.

That's what happened. But yeah, dude, I just fucking can't believe good television. Those fucking haters out there i could have done it i could have done it you know how hard shit is how about the fact that they're the people that are that are doing it you little fucking bitch ass huh how about that they're the people that are doing it when i say oh ozark is good or fucking outsider's good yeah but bro oh yeah how about they did it How about they did it? How about they did it? Yeah, but...

Yeah, but they did it, dude. Let's make this fucking money even though we can't right now. Because the fucking Rona. Anyway, dude, it's the nighttime episode and we're killing it. I've eaten so many kind bars, it's ridiculous. That's what you got to eat when you're fucking just chilling. Just kind bars because they sound like they're maybe good for you but they're definitely not because they have so much sugar in them.

But I still munch on those, man. I'll eat two, three of those. I'll eat fucking cookies and ice cream. I'm fat. The other day I said to my girl, I go like this, yo, fuck it, I'm gonna be a fat guy. She goes, you can't be fat. And I go like this. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. She goes you can't be fat And I go like this Just fucking tummy comes out Like I was holding it in the whole time

Bro I'll be a fat guy Gotta keep that body moving though man I did work out my legs today And then sat down and did my podcast So tomorrow I'm gonna pull my back You know how it goes dude I'm gonna work out real hard did i stretch no did i sit down right after my workout yep so tomorrow when i wake up first things first

gonna pull my back sensation hit it wrong hit it wrong hit it too soon yes hit the fucking sensational too soon ah yes dude fucking ruined the timing of the whole thing dude i got a mofi pack you know how fucking dumb and dorky you look when you have a mofi pack when you have a mofi pack and you're hanging out with the fucking phone and also the fucking thing and you're just like where are we going and it's my buddy has it my irish buddy keeps it in his pocket and a cord comes out and it's always like swanging and he's just like, Oh,

where are we going? And I'm like, did you ever charge your phone? And he's like, Oh, because it's the iPhone two. Oh, I got to plug it in.

They looking like he's a fucking robot. Just looks like he's charging himself and the phone's a battery pack. But yeah, dude, this is the fucking, uh, quote from Theodore Roosevelt that I was saying so poorly, that I was, my version of this is so poor, what I just said about Breaking Bad or The Outsider. This is an awesome quote.

It's from Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt. Fucking whatever, dude. Take an O out. God damn it. We're removing O's from Theodore Roosevelt shit. Or it's Roosevelt. So which one is it, dude? I know you're dead,osevelt shit or it's roosevelt so which one is it dude i know you're dead but whatever figure it out i'll do it have your fucking family

your heirs figure it out they're still named roosevelt right roosevelt this is it it's called the man in the arena i don't know why this quote is called something that's a real cock to be like hey dude I put out a quote and it's called this. No, the quote's the quote, but it's called the man in the arena. It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how strong the man, how the strong man fucked it up. Dude, let me start over because I don't want to bastardize this shit. The man in the arena. It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is

actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat, even if they fart. Made up the last part. But still, you know what, dude? That's awesome. And I read that, and last part but still you know what dude that's awesome and i read that

and i was like you know what respect to all there's some shit out there i don't like like there's shows out there i don't like there's fucking restaurants i don't like whatever it is dude if they're making money get that money fuck me dude fuck me fuck me man oh i don't like your restaurant piss on me dude straight up not because i like it i don't like it you're in the arena fucking cafe. I don't like your food. I'm judging, bro. But that's, you know, I love that quote. I love that quote that has a title. Ad break.

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That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. So, yeah, dude. You hear about what's going on in the news lately? Kidding. I don't even know why.

I don't even know, you know. You hear a lot about what's going on in the news lately? You hear about what's going on in the news lately you hear about what's going on in the news lately a lot of stuff's going on in the news lately you got this coronavirus going around people try to dodge the coronavirus by wearing face shields and masks and we also got a lot of stuff going on in the academy here they also got a lot of stuff going on a little battle um but uh kanye beeps now he doesn't use fucking words this guy is just this is on rolling stone kanye takes to beeping at his friends calling words the lowest forms of communication it's amazing how much i think well he's of course crazy but i also respect it and i got to start doing that i got to just look at brian callan be like beep beep beep beep beep beep

it says for the time being kanye west seems done with man-made construct constructs like time space money and most likely the detriment of those around him the human language to the detriment of universe uh he says i think words are one of our most, one of our lowest forms of communication. Huh? That's how you communicate. Am I dumb? Just, you know, take out the trash is way better than

beep-bop, beep-bop, beep-bop, boing, boing, boing, boing. What? Sorry, take out the trash. You don't know my language yet. Also, you're still communicating. You're still saying shit. You're just saying beep. Music, sound, food, dancing

are nonverbal forms of communication. We get so wrapped up into words. We got to make things that are speechless. We have to make things that leave people speechless. We have to make things to the level where no one can say anything. That puts me out of a job. Wow, dude.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris D'Elia. Beep, bop, beep, bop, bop, beep, bop. I was literally talking about this in my fucking special No Pain, about how if you're so offended, you just become somebody who just makes sounds to not offend people. Beep, bop, boing, oing, oing, auga. I go like that. This is what Kanye West is literally doing.

Also, he's a rapper, dude. How are you going to rap? By beeping. You know who's fucking... You know who's really into this. That means take out the trash, dude. This is how Scatman tells his wife he wants to make love. Scat! And she goes, okay.

God, people who scat are fucking terrible. Scatting. Doesn't that mean shitting on someone's chest, too? Or am I way off? No, Chris, it doesn't. Oops. Thought it did. How to scat.

Oh, this guy's got a video. How to scat. How to scat. We do. But I'm way down. That is way. Oh, no, dude. Oh, no. And of course, he's so wide and his hair's medium oh dude the guy fucking for sure oh this is on dude i didn't want to talk about this this was something that popped up dude oh i can't wait to play this hold on this guy starts off just

you gotta have the most confidence to scat that's for sure i'm ben jones i'm a singer and a musician and in video, I'm going to be teaching you a little bit about how to scat. Scatting is the use of your voice as an instrument. Dude, that's how it goes, and then it goes like this. Good night, you've learned. Good night, that's the video, you've learned. Scatting is the way to use your voice as an instrument. Good night, that's all for now.

That's all you need to know about scatting. And what you do, you create nonsense syllables, sounds. Nonsense syllables. And kind of half words to kind of. Oh, they go black and white in the middle of him singing. In the middle of him talking, they go black and white over the fucking, over what he's saying. And he's going. Quietly.

And he's fucking. Improvise. Let's get to it. Over it music scat developed kind of in the third shouldn't have other members of the band scat developed some would use kind of soft some would use more dude anybody who does this is not fit i guarantee you there's no fit guy that scats as a matter of fact you don't have be fat, but you don't work out and you're skinny fat. For real.

Any guy who scats would lose a fight. Here's the deal. If the whole world fought to the death, no weapons, everybody who scats dies first. Just straight up. People come in and they go like, oh, fuck. Oh, no, no, no, no. Bada, bada, wee, bada, bada. Scat my doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly, doodly.

Oh, choked out. Dude. So bad. I don't know. Just don't scat, you know? Dude, I've been social distancing with everyone. Only people I've hugged is my family and Joe Rogan. Sounds about right.

And... I went to my dad's. Took the fam to my dad's and mom's. And, uh, we stayed apart. They wouldn't even hug. I'm like, it's fine. They're like,

no, we don't. There's 72, you know? So I'm like, okay, I get it. They wouldn't even hold my kid.

I'm like, okay. And, um, and, uh, I, i was doing this thing that this is so my family dude i was doing this thing because now that i'm quarantined i don't get to go out and and and run the block like i usually do you know what i mean and go out and get the coffee and get the fucking shit from whole foods or whatever the fuck i'm getting and just live a life i get to fucking be inside so i

got i noticed i had spinach and i noticed I had tuna, cans of tuna. And I was like, I'm going to make a salad like my dad used to. And it's going to be cute because my dad did it. I remembered. And now my dad's going to pass salad instructions down to his fucking kid. And maybe one day I'll pass that to my child. And do you know what? The salads that my dad used to make always had lettuce and also tuna fish in it. And that's it, I think. But I wasn't sure. But I would do it. I would put the Italian dressing on it and then I would eat the shit. And then when I went to my dad's place, I said to my dad, hey, dad, remember when you used to make salads?

Like when we were all growing up for yourself because it was healthy and shit. And he goes like this. What do you mean? And I said, you know, I used to put like tuna in with the spinach and shit and used to put like a salad dressing on it. And he goes like this spinach. And I was like, dad, you know how you used to make fucking salads for lunch when we were growing up? You know what I'm talking about? You used to make salads growing up. And he would be like, I mean, know how you used to make fucking salads for lunch when we were growing up? You know what I'm talking about? You used to make salads growing up.

And he would be like, I mean, yeah, sometimes I would make a salad. And I said, all right, well, what did you put in it? And he said, well, I don't know. It depends on what I wanted in it. And I was like, Dad, there was a specific kind of fucking salad that you would make that you'd put tuna in it. Do you remember putting tuna in your salad? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay, so what would be in it?

And he said, well, I didn't put spinach in it. And I said, okay, what's in it? And he said, well, I would put like a rugel or some other kind of leave in it. I said, okay. And what else? And he said, it depends. Tomatoes. I said, okay. And what else? Sometimes olives. And I said, this is what I'm fucking asking, dude. This is what I'm asking you. Why did it have to be a fucking argument? Why did we have to be said goddamn Italian before you answered it? Spinach? I don't know. As you know, I'm over here making salads. He's got to bust my balls. You coming on me? Who wants to know? I'm asking you about a fucking salad. I'm a son. I was trying to make it cute. I was trying to be cute and tell you I fucking did

it like you did. And you're going to be cute even though I'm 40. It's still cute, dude. I did it all by myself. And one day I'll fucking let my kid still cute, dude. I did it all by myself. And one day I'll fucking let my kid do it. But you fucked it all up by being like, I mean, you know, I don't know, tomato. And my mom was like, yeah, you used to make fucking salad. You don't remember? You put the fucking tuna in it.

I'm like, why is she even involved? Just tell me what the fuck you put the salad in. What'd you put fucking in salad, man? He knows, dude. He fucking knows, man. My dad dads it he fucking knows man my dad dads it up man my dad dads it up so hard it's unbelievable one time i was talking to my my dad was watching a movie when i was a kid and i was with my brother and he's like you like this movie this is a great movie and i said yeah it's pretty eight i said it's said, huh? I said, it's eighties. And he said, oh,

huh. And I said, all right, what's the fucking problem, man? What? And it goes like this. I just don't know what you mean. And I said, you don't know what I mean by saying a movies in the, the movies in the eighties. And he says, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I thought you were saying eighties. And I said like a and D the letter. And I said, like, A and D, the letter? And he said, no. He said, yeah. I said, no, fucking 80s. The movie's 80s. And he goes like this, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

And I sensed that he was still confused. And I said, hey, Dad, what don't you get? And he said, well, what's A-T's? Ah! said well what's a tease me and my brother were like 80s fucking 1980s you asshole a d's and then fucking his second guess was a tease was A-T's? Kink, kink, kink, kink. Oh. What the fuck is... What is going on? He was only like fucking

55 back then. Imagine if I did that now, at 72. You'd just be like, what? What? Cannot compute. Family's funny as shit, huh? My mom's just going nuts, you know? My dad's going nuts.

Everyone's going nuts, man. Everyone gets older, they get so fucking nuts. Not me, dude. Keeping it real sane and level-headed. Keeping it real sane and level-headed, man. keeping it real sane and level-headed man you know what else i started watching is the sopranos i watched the fucking pilot episode and i've seen sopranos i've seen like three seasons of sopranos and then i like gave up i gotta start watching it again by the way i tried game of thrones i did game of thrones i

did three four seasons dude i'm out i'm out too much brown and nobody fucking ever cracks a joke the fuck out of here get out of here there needs to be humor and some shit I know I've said this before but dude Game of Thrones nobody's gonna trip ever nobody's gonna do some clunky shit fuck out of here and there's that much brown in it fuck out of here put colors in it no pink pink? Fuck out of here. So yeah. But Kanye beeps and I'm going to start scatting, dude. I should start scatting. I should scat on Instagram Live is what I should do.

I'm going to do that. Just spent fucking days kind of just chilling, looking at my he's so cute dude you know he just chills they just they just chill babies are always just kind of doing they always look like they're fucking busting a nut you know just like babies always look like they're busting and they just drool how about a baby's day how about a baby's life a baby's day dude they just wake up at like fucking 3 30 a.m like they're goddamn 90 years old or a navy seal and they're just like okay time to just be fucking annoying probably a lot a lot of the time okay um they just wake up and they just go like this out of the time okay um they just wake up and they just go like this

imagine if that just stuck with you the rest of your life babies just wake up and just go hmm this is a really big crib and then fucking old people older than you come in they're like what's that what's going on you want to eat and they go here here eat this and you're like just burp just spitting oh shit hold me up I'm falling fuckface just alright you know that's the day for the baby and then two and a half hours go by again and then they're just like

and you're just like oh for fuck's sake, give him a bottle. Sit up, you fucking asshole. Dude, they're just... You know how many times my baby's like this? What are you possessed? Straighten the fuck up, dude. This is the impression of my baby, right here. And I'm like, what do you do? And then I try to fucking move him and he just does this

work the neck motherfucker dude I give you tummy time work the neck bitch on the tummy too much you hungry no I just want to roll over dude I'm all good man what the fuck is wrong with you man figure it out it's been two months man imagine I can't fucking do something for two months man people will put me out baby's day dude sometimes you can't figure out what the fuck it wants crying dude that's we all got to start crying more man you get your way you ever in a relationship see a lot of guys will be like that's where I can't take it you know I give my girl a lot of shit when she starts crying

then it's all hands on deck I apologize that's what it's got to be oh yeah bro oh yeah you try fucking apologizing how about that how about that that's always in my back pocket dude that's always in my back pocket, dude. That's always in my back pocket.

Is me apologizing. If you got that in your back pocket, then the sorry can be for you. You understand what I'm saying? Hey, fuck you, and this and that, and this and that. Well, I don't know about this and that. Yeah, well, fuck you, this and that. And that's why you're just like this and that that that that and the girl's like well i don't know what is it oh shit i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry well yeah you know

because it's so fucking hurt and you fucking did like oh baby i'm so sorry yeah i mean why do you treat me like that and then you just pull this shit well yeah i just i don't know i guess it's just because it's good and then she's oh my oh I'm so sorry. And then you got that shit bro. That's that cry. Check phone. Um. Yeah. But you got that always in your back pocket.

Girls. Think. That. Tell. Dude. Um. Girls think that they got the fucking last move. Guys had the last move.

A guy crying? Fuck that, dude. You got the last move. Take that iPad. Take that iPad. Sorry, One Fire's doing really dumb shit shit texting me something that he should be texting you and that is making me goddamn irate and it's crazy to feel the blood boil up now babies i'm gonna let you in on some real-time shit the connection went away for one fire and he did

not text me he texted my my associate here Hey, we lost connection. Oh, yeah, dude? Well, I'm doing a fucking podcast, asshole. So why don't you tell her? I'm on fire, dude. I'm just like over here trying to learn about scatting, man. Or hard. Shoo-bee, shoo-bee, ba-doo, boo-doo, boo-doo-doo.

And other singers. Shabba-doo, doo-doo-doo. I feel like that's the fucking cop-out one. Shabba-doo, doo-doo-doo. That's the fucking cop out one that's the cop out one let's look at this one how to sing jazz hey it's Nicola Milan from Singer's Secret and today's video is for

all my jazz singers out there I don't like chick scatters I guess makes more sense to me I guess no matter if there's girls doing it there's gonna be guys doing it no matter what if there's girls doing it there's gonna be guys doing it no matter what because guys are gonna try and get those girls pussies who are doing it so if a girl's but about a wee pop a guy's right there like, did you know about a weeb? Yes, yes, yes.

Would you like to see my blacklight? So, yeah. Anyway, everyone pick up scat. If you haven't listened to my Netflix, if you haven't watched my Netflix special yet, go check it out. What are you waiting for? No pain. It's out there on Netflix. Appreciate you guys.

You know, appreciate you. Whatever. It's all good. But I don't know, man, we're flying by the seat of our pants. I've been looking at these workout videos cause I work out now by in my garage. I kind of go to the gym and I just kind of do my workouts. And I noticed men's health asked me if I wanted to do one of their uh workout videos and men's health and I was like fuck yeah sign me up and then I was like wait a minute how do I do it though because uh the camera crew is we can't do

it at my gym because of the coronavirus I was like do they just does the camera crew come to my house and I work out in my garage and they were like, you'd shoot it yourself and send it to them and they'll cut it together. And I go like this. Bye. I'm not going to do it my fucking self, dude. So I've been looking at these videos. I love the videos. I think it meant self put together some cool shit.

And then I went into other videos that were like less professional. into other videos that were like less professional and why don't any of these marvel actors or actors that are getting jacked for movies the whether it be the rock or anybody the videos should just be here's how fucking the rock gets jacked here's how hugh jackman got jacked for logan and then a guy comes on he's like hi this is how hugh jackman got jacked for Logan. And then a guy comes on. He's like, hi, this is how Hugh Jackman got jacked for Logan. Steroids. Hugh Jackman just doing freeze frame bicep curls. Doing that shit.

Fucking bed fries. they use steroids that's why they look like a painting bro i work out so fucking hard and your boy eats every now and then slipped up a little bit tonight ate some eggs by parmesan but it was yummy and bro i work out hard as fuck dude i go hard i keep my brow furrowed and i'm always in kibadachi and that means horse stance in japanese dude i'm multicultural and so i do that shit and i'm Hey, your boy's got some fucking abs, but your boy's not looking like The Rock. Your boy's not looking like Hugh Jackman in Logan. Your boy's not looking like fucking Chris Evans in Captain America or even Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. Do you know why? Because they're cycling.

They're using roids, dude. Why is that not something? Why are they even making those videos? Well, here's what I like to do. Hugh Jackman's like, here's what I like to do. You know, I go in, I do deadlifts, and then I run on the treadmill for an hour, and then I'll do deadlifts, and then I'll fucking do more deadlifts, and then I'll do like a fucking chest exercise.

He's my trainer. He's bold, and he's not even really he's a lot of he's got the trainers that they got they're always like fat a little bit he's fat he's bald and he's fat but he's my trainer thanks to him thanks to him oh yeah and there was something else i was forgetting also thanks to steroids and and guess what though dude and i'm telling you right now And I'm telling you right now, this ain't bullshit. I'm doing a fucking movie. It's not in the foreseeable future yet.

But, dude, say I won't be in an action movie. First of all, I got one coming out called Army of the Dead. Your boy fucking. Your boy fucking. Where are you going? Where are you going? That's me. Where are you going?

That's me, bro. You're saying I don't look legit. Where are you going? Put you going that's me where are you going that's me bro you're saying i don't look legit where you go put that down put that down put that down okay that's your boy and i'm all geared up from the feet up i got fucking full clothes on because i play a helicopter pilot so i'm in an action movie coming out, whether you like it or not, okay? When I really get the shits? When I'm really with the shits, dude? When your boy's sliding over fucking car roofs on his ass and the jacket's picking out the back? When your boy's got one fucking gun in one hand and the other hand's loosey-goosey because he needs to slide over the fucking hood of the car

with the jacket peeking out the back? Say I won't. Say I won't walk slow motion while fucking a car explodes in the background. Say I won't not look back. Say I won't not look back. Your boy will do it. And when your boy does it, and when your boy works out real hard for that role, your boy is also going to be doing steroids. And that's no joke. And I can't wait till somebody says, so how'd you get fit? You know, as of Jay Leno is wait till somebody says so how'd you get fit you know as if

jay leno is still a thing so how do you get fit for the role you know steroids jay welcome and thank you for tonight you flexing the mirror fucking lats looking like a turtle zoom in a fucking the whole movie was shot on my back You flexing the mirror fucking lats looking like a turtle. Zooming in. Fucking the whole movie was shot on my back. Suicide is painless. It's not, you know.

It is maybe if you fucking. Fuck it, dude. That's the shit, man. When your boy's really with the shits i'm doing steroids when the shit goes down i don't give a fuck gap tooth bald as fuck jacked like a turtle and moving slow too because my joints hurt yeah dude i will do steroids can't wait just getting so mad at my girl where's the chicken where's the chicken I gotta eat the chicken fucking now I gotta eat it after I fucking work out I gotta eat it now she's like what's wrong just seeing seeing the back of my throat with my teeth closed because the fucking gap is so big you could buy a cable knit sweater in it

fuck it dude I'm doing it all. I'm a fucking winner. I'm a fucking winner. And you are too, dude. That's what this podcast is about. Coming together. This is a cult. Coming together in this cult.

And when I take steroids, I'm being honest with you babies i haven't yet i haven't even taken whatever they call it any kind of thing some guy came up to the other jim are you taking tea or some testosterone your boy goes all natural man and it's hard but when that movie comes along well they want you to i'll take steroids don't worry if you'd like to make a call, please hang up. Perrier, make bigger fucking cans, dude. What is this, a fucking penis, dude? That's how big my penis is.

I swear to God. Yeah, bro. You know. I got to start doing... Anyway, dude. The workout videos are hilarious. We do six sets of fucking chin ups and then six sets of the things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, cool. And then you fucking shoot up in your asshole. Anyway, watch my Netflix special. Oh, God. Loving it. Well, I mean, we're on fires fire's laughing dude what the fuck are you watching he's probably watching some bullshit not doing his job bro i gotta start doing it's so cool when i drag the fucking yes dude i got the fucking thing i got the thing the key map where i get

to fucking do you know all these things It's dragged over to the side. Woo-hoo! And I can't make it come back. That's awesome, dude. I love when that happens on computers. How about when that happens? When that happens, I go nuts. When you can't... Oh, I got it.

I got it. It's all good. I'm the bad guy. Anyway, life rips, dude. And you got to fucking remember that, man. And I shout out to all you guys doing what you can. A lot of people are filing for unemployment, man. I feel you.

You got to get those government checks. It was cool that we were going to get those, you know, that you're going to get the government checks. And then Trump was like, hold on, wait a second. I want it to take a little bit longer because I want to autograph each one. What a fucking dick, dude. Hey, man, just give him the money, okay? Hey, Trump, you don't need to sign it. Just give him the money.

The money's not from you. You're just president. You happen to be president. I can't wait to see this Biden-Tr shit go down man can't wait i can't wait to see this biden trump thing trump's just gonna be like well you're a fucking you're a piece of shit and then biden's gonna be like i ate a churro that's gonna be the fucking debate and you're gonna be like you can't call him a piece of shit and uh Biden, why did you say you ate a churro? And then they're both just going to shit a little bit.

What is this world coming to, dude? We're all fucked. Maybe China fucking, the people, the lab in China made the virus now, is what they're saying. That's what they're maybe saying. Who knows? I guess I'm going to wrap things up, though. You guys are really great,

and I love that you're listening, and thank you very much. It's been about 55 minutes, right? We're okay. And you guys are great. I'm going to do these podcasts maybe at night. I fire in all the syllables at night, but this is the nighttime podcast from now on.

I might still do daytime ones, depending on the schedule, but I might do nighttime ones more. Really, guys, thank you so much for listening. Really, thank you very much for watching my special on Netflix. I love that you're watching it. Some people told me that we're watching it eight times in a row. Now, is that too many? Yes. Do you have no life?

Yes. But do we all have no life? Yes. Why? Because there's a pandemic. All right. So it's all good. You guys, thank you very much. And I got nothing else to say to you guys uh thank you very much and i got nothing else to say to you guys for this week but next week tune in to congratulations podcast the podcast uh and leave a review you know it really helps text me 818-239-7087 and you can support the show by buying merch at store.crystalia.com and uh you can get gift cards too for other people and shit too uh anyway uh i'm also off fucking social media you don't even bother tweeting me man i don't need to see it i

don't fucking it's whatever i don't look it's uh it's all good you guys are great i appreciate you guys thank you very much So now what?