Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 171. Throw Me When I'm Dead

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

Today we discuss Italian roots, watching Sopranos, Chris thinking he wanted to be in the NBA, funerals, the Butthole song, and we cover something we somehow never covered before: the Christian Bale rant. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. free. Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Hey, babies, it's episode 171 of Congratulations. I'm from New Jersey. Did you guys know that? I'm from New Jersey. I got a New Jersey cup. I got the Starbucks cups. I used to get them for my aunt all the time. And then they discontinued them and they started to change it. And then they changed the artwork on them.

And I was like, fuck you guys, dude. That's how it goes. That's just a mini story for that ass. I don't like, here's the deal. I like the cups. They're called the like at home or you are here or this city rocks or some bullshit, whatever they call it. And I'm a sucker, dude. If I buy one, I buy all of them.

It's my OCD, babies. And one time I was a kid and I started collecting a bunch of shit. And I knew I was going to be a hoarder if I didn't stop. My desk looked like a fucking, like a mountain. And one day I was like, dude, if i don't get rid of all this shit right now then there's nothing i could do i'm gonna fucking keep i'm just gonna be a hoarder you ever see that shit you ever see hoarders where the guy was like one guy collected his own shit he didn't want to get rid of his own feces and so he kept it in his outhouse

in the back that's an early um but yeah dude kept his feces hey guy it's coming out of you for a reason um but anyway um so i got these these all these states and cities and shit i don't i also don't like how they have states and cities i i think that they should like do one of the cities and one of the states dude this way i could get my aunt either the cities or the states because I would get my aunt and every time I was on the road, the whole thing was I had to be at the place

to get the thing. I couldn't just order them and give it to my aunt. I would be like, hey, Aunt Michelle, guess what? I was in fucking, you know, San Francisco. So I'd get the one

with the San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge and then she could drink her hot coffee and she would have her ladies over like her friends and shit and they would eat they would drink the shit as well and just eat drink from different cities dude it was real cute I'm cute dude I'm cute I'm cute with my family if you if you know me and you say I'm not cute with my family hey dude nice to meet you you're a liar and nice to meet you dude you're a liar one time I was on stage before I worked out and I was going like this, and I was doing like this.

And afterwards, my ex-girlfriend, she was like, you should start working out because your fucking tricep is flabby when you do that. Never forgot it. Oh. Anyway, dude, I'm really shit, dude. That's the thing. I don't not tell you guys that because of the fucking insecurity I have. I got to lay all the fucking cards out on the table, my babies. So anyway, anyway,

dude, shit is real. Coronavirus! Shit is getting real! Coronavirus! That's that fucking... What's her name? Beta B? What's her fucking name? Cardi B. Cardi B, dude. You know? Anything Cardi B ever did.

How about that? How about any video Cardi B ever did. How about that? How about any video Cardi B ever made? That fucking thing is funny as shit, though. I screen recorded it. I don't know. It was from some Instagram that they made it. And it makes me laugh. And I keep getting it in my head, dude.

Let me try to pull it up here. Let me try to pull it up here, you guys. Pull it up. Try to pull it up. And, of course, I can't find it. But it's all good, dude. That's how it is, man. You go to look for something and you can't find it. Great I pull it up. And of course I can't find it, but it's all good, dude. That's how it is,

man. You go to look for something and you can't find it. Great. Good. Great. Oh, screen recordings is a thing. Here it is.

I'm going to get it on scene. Wow. Wow. That ends the best part. Did she got me panicking, panicking, panicking? Dude, fucking, that's a song, the sound of that song, not the words obviously, but the sound of that song would be a song that you'd listen to in a car while you're 16 with a girl and you'd hook up with her, but you wouldn't have sex and she'd jerk you off and then date your best friend. And then that song would always remind you of her. Deeper issues.

Anyway. Dude. Shit is real. Shit is getting real. Coronavirus. Why would anybody listen to this fucking almost at a phone call? But I meant it is a phone call, dude. Anyway, let me let me put out the people who made this auntie.

Oh, no, wait. It's YouTube dot com slash Disney Russian music. Disney Russian music, dude. Taking the happiest music and making it the most fucking non-happiest music. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small fucking world, okay?

Anyway. Eat borscht. Coronavirus. Shit is garrulous. Shit is garrulous. Coronavirus. okay anyway eat the borscht coronavirus shit is getting real shit is getting real coronavirus and then she'd jerk you off and then go fucking date your friend coronavirus shit is getting real coronavirus dude cardi b what is she wearing what is she saying what kind of makeup is she using why she always sticking her tongue out? How are you famous? Her music bangs, though. Her music bangs, though.

I ain't scared. I'm panicking. What did she say? I'm panicking. A bitch is panicking. A bitch is scared. I don't know. Anyway, dude, that shit rocks.

But I don't like that. I don't like that. How about the kid who made the fucking butthole song, though? That's what I want to play right now. The kid, I wonder what's inside your butthole. Original song, it says. Dash original song. Yeah, we know.

Dude, a little kid. Dude, this kid fucking rips, for real. I don't know what this girl's name is. Oh, performed by Jolie Dunn. I don't know if you've heard this before. It went kind of viral. But this girl's got a guitar. It's as big as she is.

She's got the fucking haircut of the girl from Right Said Fred. Was that that movie? I know Right Said Fred was the... Drop Dead Fred? Was that the fucking movie? Drop Dead Fred. She's got the haircut of that girl named Penelope. Anyway, dude, the guitar is as big as she is.

What is she like four maybe? And she gets going to. I wonder what's inside your butthole. I wonder what's inside your butthole. Maybe there's astronauts and maybe there's aliens all inside your butthole. Maybe there's astronauts and maybe there's aliens all inside your butthole. And dude, I've never looked inside a butthole. Maybe there's astronauts and maybe there's aliens all inside your butthole. And dude, I've never looked inside a butthole.

I mean, I know what science says and doctors say, but I've never looked inside a butthole. And if you're going to be a conspiracy theorist about some things, then why wouldn't you be a conspiracy theorist about all of the things? You believe in Pizza Kate? Kate. Pizza Kate. That's a girl I dated that likes pizza. Do you believe in Pizza Kate? Kate. Pizza Kate. That's a girl I dated that likes pizza.

Do you believe in Pizzagate? Then why not believe in fucking aliens inside your butthole? That guy with the big ass hair that goes like this. Aliens have been known to be inside of buttholes. That guy tweets me. He's a fan. Anyway. Ancient aliens.

That's the fucking... What's inside a butthole? I always want to know. What's inside a butthole i always want to know what's inside a butthole i always want to know what's inside i like how she always wants to know like it's not just like a little bit it's not like one she's not like she's like what's inside a butthole to a doctor and the doctor's like mostly just shit or nothing and then she goes okay cool but she's like wants to do know about everybody what's inside your butthole i always want to know you ma'am what's inside your butthole sorry why do you need to know about everybody what's such a butthole i always want to know you ma'am what's

such a butthole sorry why do you need to know i always want to know have you learned this right right but i always want to know with everybody um when i was a kid dude i was at my grandma carmella's house s italian and um and uh she had a my grandpa was grandpa greg but he had already passed i think that's a sad and so um grandmaela, dude, she looked a little bit like Joe Pesci, no lie. And so, Grandma, if you're Italian, if your grandma, if you're Italian and your grandma doesn't look like Joe Pesci a little bit, guess what? You're not Italian. And I didn't make the rules, but that's how it goes. And so one time she got a haircut when she was 75 or 80 years old and she came home and she said, I think I look younger.

And we were like, how much fucking younger? You're 90. So, dude, we were at the – oh, she was a fucking pisser, dude. She was a straight-up pisser. She would eat cherry pie for breakfast. And my dad, as a joke, would always – whenever she would wake up in the morning, he'd have as a joke her bags near the doorway and be like, okay. Well, because she would come and stay with us for like a month or two during the summer it was cool and um and my dad would always put her bags in the front door be like okay so you and like pretend like

she needs to leave and she would laugh and then eat cherry pie for breakfast but fuck it dude when you're 80 do what you want anyway um anyway uh she uh um she had we had a gathering at her house it was like my aunt my uncle my uncle my aunt my aunt my aunt my uncle vinny my dad my mom all this shit oh you know my uncle vinny's the other side of the family my aunt michelle the one that has the starbucks cups anyway um and i i had like a oh it was Christmas time. And they had got me this stand, this microphone stand that was like big and blue and shit. I don't know why they make shit for kids like so not how it looks in real life. Like just when I was a kid, even I would be like, they'd be like, yeah, we got you a fucking microphone and a mic stand. It would be this fucking big blue dildo looking thing.

And you'd just be like, oh, cool. I guess I'm a fucking asshole. I know how these things really look. Give me a real fucking mic stand, it would be this fucking big blue dildo looking thing. And you'd just be like, oh, cool. I guess I'm a fucking asshole. I know how these things really look. Give me a real fucking mic stand, dude. And I went off to the other living room and to the living room and they were in the dining room. And I started singing this song that was on like Winnie the Pooh or some shit. I was like, I'm a lucky dog. I'm a lucky i was like i'm a lucky dog i'm a lucky dog i'm a lucky dog i'm a lucky dog and um i didn't know they were listening and at the end they fucking clapped so hard and i was so

fucking embarrassed so all moral stories watch that ass no matter where you are your grandma's house and um dude it's so funny how kids want the real shit like when you're a kid this is how you know like you want the real shit when you're a kid and you dress up like i was robin for halloween i couldn't be batman like what a piece of shit i had to be robin i had to be different so i wanted to be robin and my mom made my robin costume and i put that shit on dude i wasn't getting candy i was fighting crime you know what i mean like i like, do you think that maybe, like, I might be mistaken for Robin? Like, obviously not Batman. I am small.

You know what I mean? So maybe I'm Robin. If somebody needs assistance, I could be here. I will help. Just shitting. Running. Stop, evildoer. So I got to go home. I went cocky oh i got to go home i went cocky and i'm

scared um and so uh yeah but when you put on that fucking like i was a werewolf i was these were my halloween costumes i was the punisher bro my mom put cotton in my fucking shirt with the skull on it that she made. And I looked buffer. And I looked fucking ill, dude. There's like pictures of me with dirt on my face. I looked ill. So, you know, I mean, it was makeup. It wasn't dirt.

My mom put makeup on my, you know, I wasn't that rugged. But I looked ill. I was probably like fucking eight years old nine years old and I look fucking I don't know I look pretty ill and so um my cousin when he kids are fucking hilarious I can't wait to see like what my kid will like want and do like my cousin wanted fucking the doctor's gloves, the rubber doctor's gloves for Christmas. That was the only thing

he wanted for Christmas. And he would be like, they'd be like, so what do you want, Nick? And he'd be like, I want doctor gloves. And my aunt Michelle would be like,

what the fuck are you talking about? Don't you want toys? And he'd be like, no, I want to be a doctor. I want doctor gloves. And like, he would just,

she's like, all right, fuck. And we were laughing, man. She'd be like, this is what he wants, fucking doctor gloves. So she got them she got him all you know it was like 6.99 for a pack now they're like 300 because of that fucking coronavirus shit is getting real coronavirus i ain't lying a bitch is panicking a bitch is panicking so anyway he would have those gloves and just walk around the house as a fucking four-year-old

like thinking he was a real ass doctor you'd be like oh i bumped my shin you'd be like let me take a look at it here let me take a look at it take two of these and call me in the morning anyway you'd hand your cookies hang out take two of these and call me in the morning hand your cookies hey it should clear up in the morning. Anyway. Fucking. I wonder what's inside that butthole. So.

I've been trying to make my kid laugh. He won't laugh. He smiles big though. He's a day away from laughing. I keep thinking of that Ray Romano joke. Where he's just like. yeah, I got a material, my material. I don't know.

I'm butchering it, but he's like, my material is getting better because of my, Oh no, no. I think he says it's getting worse. This is the only thing I wrote in the past four days. And he just shakes his keys at the audience.

I thought that shit was so funny. And, um, but that's how I keep thinking of that. Cause I keep going like, I keep saying like, Hey boy, you ain't got no teeth.

And he'll just be like, be like, Oh, you ain't got no teeth. And he'll just be like, be like, Oh, you ain't got no teeth, boy. Hey, where are your teeth at? Your teeth in your pocket. And he just goes, I did a fucking redneck. I did a redneck character to him. And he seems to like that. I was doing like an old black lady. And then I thought it was kind of racist, even though he did, but I didn't want him to grow up to be racist. So I was like, all right, let me do fucking, but maybe that's more racist because that's who's racist anyway um ruining my son's life so um every dad ruins their son's life or daughter's life you just have's fucking crazy sensational sensational i wish tupac had a kid um but uh yeah so babies make shit real though like it's so cool um that it's so cool that like you can like not be not sure about life and then you have a kid, and you're like,

oh, you like the wee baby. Okay, I get it. Anyway, if you've been watching my Netflix special, that's great. Some people say they're watching it three or four times. Love that. And you guys are awesome. Love you for watching it. Check out my Netflix special if you haven't yet.

It's on Netflix, and it is streaming right now. It's called No Pain. And then watch the other ones too, on fire and incorrigible and uh i have an episode of comedians of the world uh that um is episode two i believe on the americans of the comedian in the world you have to go to the american section you watch all that stuff but um yeah i'm just about done with this fucking quarantine you know what i mean not for real i understand i'm gonna do what everybody's doing how about that i'm gonna do what everybody's doing. How about that? I'm going to do what everybody's doing. That's the thing. Quarantine is the most, if you can't beat them, join them scenario I have ever fucking heard. All right.

It's like, all right, everyone's staying indoors. Then guess what? Your boy's staying indoors, but you're starting to protest. You're starting to go out. What are the, who are the rules for that? All right, fuck it. Fine. Fuck it. If we're all getting, we're getting it. You're all getting it. You're all fucking shaking hands and holding hands in protest? Motherfuckers are out there holding hands in protest. Why do you have to rub it in everyone's fucking faces? Just protest. Just be like, open it up.

Open it up. Open up the country. Open it up. But dude, if you can't beat them, join them. Fine. If everyone's going to be driving around getting the shit, then all right, let's go get this shit, motherfucker. Let's go get this shit, dude. Let's go get this shit, dude.

Let's get it, dude. Come on, doorways and fucking... Let's get it. No, I ain't lying. A bitch is panicking. But, you know... What am I going to be? What, am I going to be one of the only guys sitting in his house? Chilling?

Trying to not get that fucking roni virus? Everyone out there going to fucking incubus concerts and shit, and I'm over here just not touring, not making those fucking bags? Sure, I make the fucking podcast sponsor bags, but I don't make the fucking road bags. That's my bread and butter, baby. I swear to God, dude, after this quarantine is over One thing the quarantine has fucking made me learn And I'm telling you, and I know this isn't relatable And you know what, dude? I don't give a shit

I'll tell you this much, dude I'm spending money like a motherfucker Dude, the second this quarantine ends I go out and I spend fucking money I bring stacks of cash Like I'm fucking C Murder or fucking Master P. And I just show up at places.

Buying fucking... Dude, straight up fucking... And I go like this. How much? Ha ha ha ha! That's how I do it, dude. And then I go to another store. Oh, how much? Okay.

No problem. Dude, I'm spending money. Because here's the thing, man. I would be like, nah, I don't know if I want to spend. I don't know if I want to get that. I got the chain fucking, you know, it costs some money. I bought that shit a little bit a while ago. I should probably not buy the watch.

Dude, when quarantine is over and your boy's on the road, he's getting that watch. Bro, you think I won't be different? You think I won't be different when the quarantine ends holy shit bro i'll be so different you'd think i'm asian i don't give a i swear to god i'll be shorter i'll be a different person i'll be wearing bandanas and i just where's this what am i doing how we living i'm cooped up in my house i didn't get my kitchen done oh what bro when this quarantine when trump goes quarantine's over i go bring the fucking dudes over we're doing the kitchen i'm going on tour doing the i'm redoing rooms that i i don't even need to redo i'm getting chimneys all sorts of chimneys on the top of my house i don't even

have fireplaces I'll get them people like but you don't have a fireplace I'll be like I'll get them later put a chimney up why do I have the money for what all I'm doing is postmates and watching Netflix I can't wait to spend those fucking monies jackets dude it'll be fucking summertime next year jackets upon jackets iced out gold teeth pulling up in something so foreign it's unreal something so far they'd be like where's that from i'll be like oh it's from a country they just started there's only five guys there what yeah i know they just make cars this is one of them wow what color is that didn't come out yet. See you later.

I'll do that fucking skid that where you buck twice before you go. You think I do one fucking? No way. I go. I go like that, dude. And I take off in airplanes that take off like this. Fuck these. I don't do these anymore. I don't need a runway, dude. I do like the G.I. Joe shit where the fucking things go and then I go

or I cartoon it. I get an airplane that takes off like this. Like that, dude. Like a goddamn and I ride to the next destination like this. Like the roadrunner. You think I won't, dude? I'm saying it now.

So you know when I show up with a bedazzled green cape with a collar that goes higher than my head and a fucking medallion over the thing that has a big C on it? You don't say, well, what happened to Chris? Because you motherfuckers know. So let's go out. Let's get this coronavirus. All become fucking immune and then spend this money after we can get jobs again. Because what are we doing with all this?

What are we doing? You know, look, people live hand in mouth. I get it. But, you know, it's like. That's fucking 150 degrees. It's all good all good man but i'm spending that money and mark my fucking words kind bars out the ass just all of them all and it's not even expensive but like people are like why does he fill his car with so many fucking boxes of kind bars it's like well because he just spends money that's it and he doesn't want to talk about it what's that you know and the car the car is fucking something foreign dude it's a new country

i will do that and i can't wait i can't wait motherfucker pissed me off just started making money and then the fucking whole world shuts down no but it's not relatable whatever dude listen to npr if you want to be relatable dude this shit's about this cult. I got to start watching Waco. I got to start watching Waco. Pick up some fucking tidbits. Play with that guy, Taylor

Hinkins, or whatever the fuck his name is. Taylor Kitsch Higgins. Hitch. Taylor Kitsch. Guy's good looking, bro. You. Guys, good looking, bro. You think you're good looking, bro? All right. I see you, dude.

I saw you once. Out. Not even in LA. Forget where I... I think I was in Nashville. I don't remember where the fuck I was, but I was there, dude, and I saw you with five dudes,

and you were the best looking one. But, dude, that doesn't faze me. That doesn't faze me. I have a fucking personality, okay? And yeah, I look like a big bird, but it's all good, man. So you're going to walk in the room, dude. Taylor Hankins, you're just going to walk

in the fucking room? Okay. All right. All right. All right. He cuts his hair fucking... He cuts his hair fucking... He cuts his hair and does a mullet and looks better? How?

He doesn't... Theo did it and looked like a lesbian. He does it and looks better somehow and puts on some funky glasses and does Waco? And you look better, dude? I'll fight you till my last breath. And it'll be way before your last breath by the way, my wind is not good so anyway

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bro i was thinking about the other day i drove by these basketball courts that i played i last time i played basketball, I drove by these, um, I went and I played with my friend, Rick Glassman. And I went to this school and I hopped the fence like a fucking, I was 35 or four or 33. I don't even know. I'm too old. And I was like, yeah, I'll do it. I'll get some exercise. I put on a fucking tank top and a bandana. And I went to go play basketball. And I hadn't played basketball in, Jesus, nine years.

And I was like, oh, okay, this is the last time I'm ever playing basketball. You ever have that decision in life where you're just like, oh, oh, all right, this'll be it. This'll be it for me. I'm done. And I'm telling you right now, I will never play basketball again. Do you understand why?

I'm over 18, and I don't play in the NBA or college. So, bye basketball. It was never even really that fucking fun, dude. I remember somebody one time. This guy named Greg. Can't remember his last name. In high school, he was like, what are you going to be when you grow up?

And I said, I'm going to be in the NBA. And he goes like this. Well, at least you got the drive. And I don't know why I said that. Because I didn't want to be in the NBA. I thought I did. Why would I want that, dude? I'm a fucking comedian, obviously, dude.

I would do the dumbest shit in school. I'm going to be in the NBA, man. Oh, really? Get your 6'2 and white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to be the guy under the basketball hoop, the center. It's just like if you want the ball that badly you just have it

I'm fucking 40 people want to play at the YMCA and they're like give me the ball and I'm just like here you go man I'm going to check fucking online I think it's so weird when people want to you know like 38 year olds are like pass the rock alright okay

the rock. All right. Okay. The rock. But yeah, after quarantine, I'm putting a basketball fucking rink in my house. Basketball rink. I don't remember what the fuck I was going to say, but. Oh. I started watching Sopranos. remember what the fuck I was gonna say but oh I got started watching Sopranos man you know I watch

Breaking Bad if you're a loyal congratulations podcast listener you know fucking daddy watched Breaking Bad you know how he watched it you know how he watched it and you fucking props to Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston and obviously it's so good it's maybe the best show I've ever seen it is the best show I've And obviously it's so good. It's one, it's maybe the best show I've ever, I think it's the best show I've ever seen.

It is the best show I've ever seen. It's so thrilling. And then he turned on Sopranos and it's so good in a different way. You know, I was talking to my brother and my brother's like, well, yeah, bacon,

breaking bad is like a thriller, but man, that fucking Sopranos, man, you, you watch that shit and you're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that fucking Sopranos, man. You watch that shit and you're just like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm Italian. Even if you're not Italian, you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got it. Hey, yo. Make me fucking dinner to your girl. She's like, excuse me? You're just like, I'm trying to watch fucking TV. Marron. My mom says Marron. Like for real.

And my great grandma. Oh man, my great grandma. Dude, my grandma would say Marron. And she would say, I'm making a sauce for the meatballs. My grandma Carmela. Little Joe Pesci. And my great grandma. I don't even know what the fuck. We just called her great grandma.

I don't even know if she had a name. But she was old as fuck. She was like 99. And she died because she fell down some stairs. Yep, she fell down some stairs, broke her hip, went to the hospital, and that was it. She was like, peace out. Like that meme where the guy's fucking going, peace out. And he just gets more and more dissolved.

And she broke her hip and she got to the hospital. And she was like, nah, I'm not doing this shit. Nah, nah, nah. What do you want to do sew my hip back together ah fuck y'all see ya my own and then and we would me and my brother dude we would fucking

we thought it was the funniest fucking thing to make her do super grandma like we'd be like super grandma and we'd be like grandma will you go like this like she was flying and she would have the fucking she always i never saw the bottom half of her of her of her body she always had a blanket over her legs i never saw her walk anywhere she just had a blanket over like a nicest fuck blanket over her legs always no matter how it

could be 95 degrees and every time she saw she'd be'd be like, to this day, I don't know what it means. I think it means beautiful. And she'd kiss me. And nobody, she could have had robot legs for all I know. And we'd be like, grandma, can you do super, super grandma? After we say super, after we say super grandma, will you put your hands up? And we'd be like, super grandma. And she'd go like this and we would fucking be rolling on the ground, man. We'd be six and two. We'd be eight and four dude rolling on the fucking ground super grandma man and then she fell downstairs and broke her hips and died but it's all good but you know we all have to go and she was 90 something man she lived her life and then when

my grandma died my grandma carmella i was afraid of flying i was like 22 and my mom was like you gotta come and i was like i can't i'm too scared and last minute i decided to go and i wrote this fucking eulogy and i went on on stage whatever the fuck in front of everyone and i gave it i said i and i gave a little thing about my grandma and i started crying when i was talking about her on on um you know we were catholic or whatever oh Oh, fuck, man. My brother and I, fucking the priest. Dude, funerals and anything, baptisms and all this shit, if you're Catholic, they're so fucking ridiculous. Like, take those fucking garbs off. You know?

The hat goes so high, it's like got a loaf of bread in it. What do you have in there? Pogs. You know what I mean? And he's just like, bread in it what do you have in there pogs you know what i mean and he's just like don't forever and ever all right dude and the fucking priest was so bitch dude he would do shit like so now we're going to what oh okay okay and and we and either my brother or i said it to he said it to me or i said it to him, and he was like, oh, so fucking insecure.

That's it. That's it, dude. We fucking were crying so hard laughing, not because we were sad, because we were laughing. And my dad's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, he fucking said he was insecure. It's hilarious. And we were laughing, dude. Even Super Grandma couldn't fucking save the day.

Dude, we were done. We were done. Funerals are the funniest fucking shit dude everyone's just standing around and like they're fucking men in black and and the people that were really close to the person are sitting in front like there's a fucking agenda and the person's just in the box just like this just fucking put them in the ground dude bro when i die just fucking throw me that's it throw me just get my friend hey hello yeah chris died oh fuck all right yeah get five buddies if they're not buddies just grab some people around he's here just

fucking throw me out of the house i don't as far as i go I go, that's where I'm ending up. Don't bury me. Don't nothing. I want people stepping. I want people still seeing my wife. You know what I mean? Like, oh, well he's in the way. Just drive over him. We don't give a shit.

That's where he wanted to be. May he rest in peace. Fuck all his burying shit. People want to be burned and kept on an, on a fucking mantle. Dude, fuck my carcass, dude. I mean, no, not really. Like, you know what i mean like that's a throwback to the last episode but like dude throw me as far as i go that's where

i'm gonna be i want fucking you know how people are like you know how people are like hey when i die i don't want you i don't want you crying i want you i want a celebration i want it to be happy i want to celebrate i want you to celebrate my life fuck that cry hard cry long dude i want you so upset that it's affecting your diet i want people getting skinnier people that i never even met like i'm michael jackson just like i don't know what he did you that it's affecting your diet. I want people getting skinnier. People that I never even met. Like on Michael Jackson. I don't know what he did. His podcast and his stand-up is just... Even when he played on you. I know he played a pedophile

but it's just... I even liked fucking Bad Girls from Valley High when he did when he was 19. He played Gavin. Just fucking... I want that. Throw me far. As far as you can. It won't be that far. How fucking far can you throw a guy?

Yeah, he's on his street. What? Yeah, he just fucking made it almost to the street. He's half on the street and half... His legs part are over on the sidewalk. And they have to keep the gate open because it can't close because it's... It just hits his legs and then goes back Jesus Christ

why didn't you bury him he didn't want to be buried he said in his will he said you can have all the money as long as you just have me thrown I don't like ceremonies dude whenever you gotta get dressed up and shit also when you're when you throw me, only have me. I want fucking underwear on and that's it.

No, no, no. I want a shirt too. So then when I fucking, when I'm throwing the shirt like is up a little bit, you know, and I'm just like on my fucking front sidewalk, just like my nipple showing a little bit with my arm behind my back like like a family guy fall you know how his fucking arm was for real dude jesus christ chris is all fucking yeah he's dead just come on and we have food um anyway dude uh yeah but the whole thing about the ceremonies is just bullshit, man. Baptisms and fucking confirmations and graduations.

Give me the diploma. Don't give me the diploma. Fucking, I did it. I'm done. I got to show up again with a fucking flat hat? Go fuck yourself. Oh, what, I put the tassel? What is this, fucking grease?

Dude, let me just do what I want. I want to wear a t-shirt and that's it. Wow. I hope my son gets it, man. I hope my son just shows up to graduation in only a shirt. Raven DeMoney. Philip DeFranco. Mr. D'Elia. I'm not going to tell you his name so you don't fucking stalk him, assholes.

And then he comes up, just only a shirt. And then you fucking. Fucking tassel rips it off. Just flipping you the fuck off. I'm going to be a fucking scientist. Has no goal to be a scientist. Just doesn't give a fuck. Cinco de Drinco.

If you say Cinco de Drinco, you fucking suck, dude. Shit is getting real, coronavirus. Shit is getting real coronavirus shit is getting real throw me when i'm dead um dude that that's a dope tube that would be and that'll give a fuck throw me when i'm dead that would be a good tupac song i don't give a fuck throw me when I'm dead and you'd be like what he wants to be thrown wow dude I'm fucking hungry but it's all good dude we eat when we eat I'm doing the podcast because I love it and we're off the rails and it's fine um because I worked out hard I worked out fucking hard dude you want to know what I did? Okay. I'll tell you. I did fucking incline chests with fucking 60 pounds. That's what I got in the garage. And I fucking did it. I go, I go fucking blast up and then down like a Viper three seconds, hold it one second and then one more time. And then again. And I do that fucking 12 rounds.

Or, sorry, reps. And I do that five sets. And then I do the one where you hold it like this. You know, like you're cold. And I do 245s. And I go like this. Up like that. So it's fucking getting the shoulders too.

So you know. Because your boy's got fucking wide shoulders man and then i do i superset that with fucking incline um uh flies oh cool great workout because oh oh i'm not done dude oh no that sounds like a really cool hard work. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm not done We just can't stop So then I did Fuck I forget Oh Those fucking kettlebell Squats where I fucking push it up like that. I think I did 25 or 35 up like that and I do eight of

push it up like that i think i did 25 or 35 up like that and i do eight of those and i do a round i do that and then i do box jumps and push into push-ups and then fucking that trx band where i put my feet in it i do push-ups i bring my feet in you get the fucking core work and then i do then i did regular push-ups and then i did oh where you lay i don't even know what you fucking call them i don't know what these exercises are called, but I went on the back, and I would fucking bring the – on my back, on the bench. I was laying on my bench, and I was bringing my fucking weight, these 45 pounds, up like this. Whatever, dude.

That's the most boring I've ever been on this podcast, and I don't give a fuck, dude, because I like to tell a – And then what did I do? I did another thing too. Oh, jumping around or some shit uh yeah so but i gotta start watching this fucking more sopranos i'm on season three the jacket that fucking richie aprile when he gives him the jacket the jacket yeah I give that guy is so

like would have been Al Pacino's career if it wasn't for Al Pacino I don't know who that guy is it's that guy's fucking name Richie Aprile uh David Praval fucking name. Richie Aprile.

David Proval on the HBO series. This guy is so good in it. David Proval. That's the thing. You watch these fucking shows. And you look at these interviews now of them and they're like fucking 20 years. I'm from New York and we were talking about the public. Wow.

Public. Um, De Niro's teacher and Marlon's teacher is still. I mean, Al fucking Patrino, Patrino, Al Patrice O'Neill. Um, oh yeah oh yeah dude i need to start doing fucking acting and act like al pacino and just fucking take over for al pacino oh yeah be like yeah oh yeah we want chris to leave for the part okay cool and then i show up and i'm like so what are we doing guys and they're just like, so you walk in the scene here and you drop your keys down and then you say,

you say, where's my girl? Because you're looking for your girlfriend. And action. Drop the keys. Where's my girl? And they're just like, cut. Okay, just try it again. And action.

Where's my girl? Okay. Yeah, Chris, you sound like Al Pacino. And I'm like, well, yeah, it's because he died and I want to fucking, I mean, what do you mean? I'm acting like Al Pacino because people like Al Pacino. What's the problem here? And at that point, I'm going to be big enough a star that they can't say no. The jacket in Sopranos.

Cool. It's funny when acting is like people really take it so seriously. Like Christian Bale just fucking losing weight and chopping his he's doing a new role where he's chopping his head off did you know that he's playing sleepy hollow and he's legitimately chopping his head off uh and then he's doing another role where he's just his head so and then that'll be his last role they're gonna use the head he chopped off for another he's shooting two movies at once oh man when christian bale fucking flipped out oh how about this dude when christian bale flipped out oh wow we never talked about this did we good for you when he does

that good for you so fucking whatever he is flip out on terminator let me tell you something about this dude the christian bale flip out i'm on christian bale's side everyone's like wow what an asshole fuck that dude the lighting guy was fucking with the light when he was acting good this is what happened i don't know if you've heard it was acting good. This is what happened. I don't know if you've heard it. Here we go.

Bruce is the associate. Kick your fucking ass. I want you off the fucking set, you prick. Sorry. No, don't just be sorry. Think for one fucking second. The fuck are you doing? Dude, it's so... And the guy's being so nice about it.

He's like, I'm sorry, Christian. I'm sorry. Don't just be sorry. Think about what you're doing. So fucking Scottish, but whatever. Are you professional or not? yes oh went for the jugular are you professional or not yes i am the guy's so nice he's so nice he sounds like a lady do i fucking walk around and rip that no shut the fuck up nice nice nice the guy started to cut him off and he just used that anger no shut the fuck up do i fucking walk around but i no shut the fuck up you gotta let a guy go when the guy's off the ground like that you just

gotta wait for him to land you don't say anything you start eating crackers for real if anyone ever gets mad that mad at me i carry you know i carry around fucking gummy bears just for that just in case anyone gets me mad it gets that mad at me i just i i have a um i take out a lawn chair i go crap and i whap it out and i fucking sit down and i open my gummy bears that i have been saving and i just wait are you a professional and i'm eating fucking oh a red one because you can't do you can't be like well no y'all hold up a second it doesn't work i'm eating gummy bears do i want no no don't shut me up am i gonna walk around and rip your fucking lights down wow i mean am i gonna walk around and rip your fucking lights down obviously not you know but

maybe he's making a grander point in the middle of a scene. Then why the fuck are you walking right through like this in the background? What the fuck is it with you? What don't you fucking understand? He's right. You got any fucking idea about, hey, it's fucking distracting. You got any fucking idea about, hey, it's fucking distracting. You got any fucking idea about, hey, it's fucking distracting. Worst sentence of all time, but still with him. I'm in, dude. If I was there, if I was fucking Sam Worthington or whatever,

because this is on the Terminator movie, I would have been Sam, I would have been behind him like, well, yeah, dude, he's right. You know? Do you have any idea about how fucking distracting? Sam Worthington. If you tried to draw Sam Worthington,

you wouldn't know what to do. He's so famous, but who is he, you know? You'd be like, what does his fucking nose do? He's just kind of regular, right? But he's in the biggest movies of all time. They make a movie called Jesus Christ, and he'll play fucking Jesus Christ, dude. Having somebody walking up behind Bryce

in the middle of the fucking scene. Give me a fucking answer. What don't you get about it? I was looking at the light. Oh, good for you. And the guy goes, I was looking at the light. Oh, good for you. Oh, wow. So patronizing. Patronizing. Never know how to say it. I was looking at the light. Oh, good for you.

And how was it? Oh, so dick. Oh, good for you. And how was it? Oh, wow. I can't wait. Let's see. What would I say?

Well, I was looking for the light. Oh, good for you. How was it? I'd be like, you know, it was Oh, wow. I can't wait. Let's see. What would I say? Well, I was looking for the light. Oh, good for you. How was it? I'd be like, you know, it was fine, man. I didn't mean to get in the scene as he eats gummy bears. I hope it was fucking good because it's useless now, isn't it? Nice. Fuck's sake, man.

You're amateur. Wow. Said he's an amateur. fuck's sake man you're amateur wow said he's an amateur this is the thing though with actors it's like he's doing a scene that's fucking really intense obviously robots are trying to destroy the world and he's using that intensity and then a fucking lighting guy does that shit and then the dude christian bale is just like using that intensity and people are like what a fucking asshole dude he's not he's just acting man i'm gonna play a fucking for real i'll i'll dude i'll be playing my japanese guy or whatever or the fucking in a movie or a christian or a christian a fucking uh british dude and then

somebody will move a light and i'll just i would do oh you really think that uh you can't move a fucking lot. And he'll be like, wow, Chris is a dick, but why is he British when he's a dick? Like, oh, he was playing. It was fucking that movie with Sherlock Holmes. Cool. My computer's not working. That sounds great.

McG, you got fucking something to say to this prick? Wow, wow. I didn't see it happen. Well, somebody should be fucking. Wow, McG, dude. McG, you got something to say to this prick? He well somebody should be wow mcg dude mcg you got something to say to this prick he says i didn't see it happen oh dude now you know where mcg stands dude all right okay okay nobody went to his fucking bro christian bale i would have been right there dude the fucking jerky comedian just... Fucking watching and keeping an eye on him. Fair enough.

This is the second time that he doesn't give a fuck about what is going on in front of the camera. Okay, well, that's dick then, dude. All right? I'm trying to fucking do a scene here, and I'm going, why the fuck is Shane walking in there? I'm trying to do a scene, and I'm saying, why the fuck is Shane walking in there i'm trying to do a scene and i'm saying why the fuck is shane walking in there what is he doing there do you understand my mind is not in the scene if you're doing that yeah i absolutely apologize sorry i did not mean anything stay off the fucking set man

wow fuck's sake this is so funny to me stay off the fucking set man just so after the fit just you know what man stay off the fucking set man just got real got down to brass tacks you know look i don't care all right let's go again let's not take a fucking minute let's go again it's so funny when you get that heated there's nothing you can do like he's like oh let's go again and the guy says well we can take a minute and he says let's not take a minute like you can't suggest anything you he could the people could have been like do you want a blow job we have that fucking em Ratajkowski. No, I'm gay! I'm gay! Oh, fuck, guys!

We're like, okay, well, we got Tyson Beckford then, and he'll fuck... No, I just went back to fucking... Oh, no, fuck, guys, again! Like, you can't win. Unless not have you fucking walking in! Can I have Tom put this on, please? You're unbelievable, man. You're un-fucking-believable.

Don't stop. It's the best. Number of times you're strolling the fucking round in the background. I've never had a DP behave like this. Wow. You don't fucking understand what it's like working with actors. That's what that is. That's what that is, man. I'm telling you.

Where is it, dude? Where is this fucking page? I'm not asking. I'm telling you. It went away, dude. And I can't stop this. You wouldn't have done that otherwise. I can't fucking stop it, dude.

I goddamn hate Mac computers, man. Where the fuck is it? Here we go. Got it. Got it. Fucking got it. When he says something and he's just like, eh. What does he

say? Fuck, I missed it. Now I gotta go back. God damn it. Ah, you don't fucking understand what it's like working with actors. You don't fucking understand what it's like working with actors. Ah, you don't understand. Dude, I know there's no video of it, but I

hope it went like this. I hope it went like this. Ah, you don't understand. Dude, I know there's no video of it, but I hope you went like this. I hope you went like this. You don't understand how it is working with actors. You don't fucking understand what it's like working with actors. That's what that is. That's what that is, man. I'm telling you. I'm not asking.

I'm telling you. You wouldn't have done that otherwise. No, what it is is looking at the light and making sure that you are. I'm going to fucking kick your fucking ass. You know, shut up for a second. Oh, he went after him, dude. I'm going to fucking kick your fucking ass. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, come on. Wow, dude. What if he just got leveled? What if the dude just went fucking oh man another thing you could do is this if a guy starts talking like that if you don't have gummy bears you could just go like this

come on I bet that would fucking what come on oh I would do that I gotta do that if you don't have gummy bears do that anyway dude

fuck it's funny dude I'm so hot right now I scream and I sweat eh you don't understand how to work with fucking eh you don't fucking understand how it is working with actors, mate. No, that's what it is.

Good for you. Anyway, what else? You see that fucking that they were doing air shows for the workers? Dude, it was so funny seeing the air shows for the workers. They were like uh they were like yeah well we got the fucking fighting angels or whatever the fuck they call them you know six airplanes just fucking flying over to give moral support for the people risking their lives into the er and getting coronavirus and fucking doctors dying

dude look i'm not a doctor I'll never be a doctor. But, you know, if I'm a doctor, here's my thought. Get out of the fucking airplane. Just chill, dude. This thing's going to cost a million dollars. Just relax. These air fucking shows, they're looking for any excuse. Well, the Fighting Angels are coming out because Walmart, you know,

there's a sale, and so the Fighting Angels are coming out. And it's really cool. And then there was an interview with the guy. And they were like, in one of the Fighting Angels. That's not what they're called. I'm just making it up. But whatever their call, they were like, so is it right? I think it was Fox News.

Because Fox News is always trying to, like, report on good shit that's happening. And even when there's not good shit, which there's fucking barely any good shit because the coronavirus shit is getting real that fucking they're just like well the fighting angels flew around because that's good and so they were like yeah so is it true that you guys can get it like up to 18 feet close to each other when you're in formation and the guy goes like this. 10 inches. Hey, don't do that. Dude, you know how, I think it was actually 18 inches. That's 18 inches.

Hey, these are my hands, not planes. Why does it matter? Also, you're fucking 17 miles away up in the sky i can't tell if you're 10 feet away or fucking 18 inches away just be 10 feet away and the doctors they interview they're like so how do you feel and they were like well i feel like it's really cool you know it's really cool that they did that for moral support and makes us feel really good like dude they were lying through their fucking teeth. They don't give a shit.

They didn't even watch the fucking thing. They were in the fucking ER. People are just, oh, oh, oh, oh, all hands on deck. Come on, here we go. And the fucking fighting angels are just, I'm sure they love this, outside doing fucking twirly worries. Oh, good for you you don't know how to deal with fucking actors man that's what is that's what it is anyway dude the fighting angels what were they i don't even know there's shit that's just like it's like old age old tradition shit tradition shit is like even

with my dad he would always like want to fucking read us like polar bear express or midnight what the fuck was the thing the polar bear express the christmas every christmas night and i was like 25 years old like dad i'm not doing it anymore he's like come on we got to read it we did it since you were little i'm like dad i i'm fucking 30 you know it's like come on sit on my lap come on i'm just like i'm not doing it my dad i'm 30 my brother's 26 come on each take a knee come on come on we gotta look at the pictures like whoa cool yeah magic is what you think it is magic is an island my dad's emotional as fuck. He's sentimental as fuck is what I should say.

Anyway, dude, that's it for me. You can text me 818-239-7087. Love that. I've been trying to fucking text you guys back a little more because I've been doing the... What do you call it? Quarantine. Live show dates are obviously continuously changing. I'm trying to get out there

when I can. I have some dates set, but I'm not announcing them yet. So, you know, we'll see what happens. If it can't be to join them, though, you know, that's the thing. I'm trying not to make big announcements until things are certain. But support the show by buying merch at store.crystallia.com or just Google Crystallia merch.

Go watch my special, no pain, convenience of the world, Man of Fire, Incorrigible, white male, black comic. You can watch it. And rate and review this show on iTunes or wherever you can get your stuff. Anyway, guys, thank you. Remember, life frigging rips, and you guys are great. Have a good day and have a good week, and we'll see you next time. Oh, wait. What was the...

Throw me... Oh, no. Throw me when I'm dead.