Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 172. …To Completion

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

Today we talk about how Chris ate a certain celebrity's cookies, Tekashi 6ix9ine, driving with masks on, the mystery of Chris's missing jury duty letters, and 2 of Chris's favorite YouTube stars: Tim Byrne & Daniel Songer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply what's up my babies life r. And this is episode 172 of Congratulations. Yeah, dude. Life fucking rips. I know I'm changing it to Life Friggin' Rips because we don't swear because we're Mormon. I fucking, I know I'm changing it to like frigging rips because we don't swear because we're Mormon. Dude, when I was in high school, the Mormon girls liked me because I was a bad boy, but I wasn't really a bad boy. You know what I mean? I didn't do drugs and stuff, but all these Mormon girls were like, oh, he's not Mormon.

You know what I mean? That was the thing. That was how they used to like get back at their family by like not too much. Go for the major bad boy dude or a black guy, but they would go for your boy. And so anyway anyway so probably get canceled for that so we're doing uh we're doing it here we're doing it live it's a fly by the seat of the pants episode and it's also firing on firing on all cylinders and it's also at the fucking nighttime podcast dude the nighttime podcast is the shit and we're already one more

minute down we're 59 minutes from collecting bags life rips man this shit's on shit's on i'm wearing my mask less and less mostly just indoors but it's all good how about people who drive when they wear the mask what are you doing that's like being in your fucking house with your mask on um i saw segura had the fucking instagram where he said, look, I'm driving like one of the fucking idiots. And he had a fucking mask on when he was driving. Yeah, dude, but that's,

that's it. And my fucking dog is got AIDS all over his face. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Butters is probably going to die. Dude. Butters looks like the guy from the Goonies with the bent ear.

He just looks like he's a step, a breath away from being like, Hey, you hey you guys dude he had a fucking eye problem so i took him to the vet and when you go to the vet you got to wait in the car and then the nurse comes out and you hand the fucking dog over to the vet and then the vet walks it in and then you wait in the car like a big dumb fucking idiot and i was and i'm in the car for fucking one hour and then they come back and they're like yeah so he's got an eye infection and i'm like oh oh really how did you figure that out because his eyes all fucking caked up why why did you figure that out because it's the only dog i've ever seen with conjunctivitis and um and so they were like just put these drops in it every three hours. And so I did.

And it moved to his other eye. Yes. Now it's in both eyes. Yes. Oh, dude. And that wasn't it. So we started putting the drips in the second eye. And then guess what, dude?

Oh, fuck yeah, dude. It spread to his nose. How did it do it? Hey, stop moving the light around down there um and how did it spread to his nose dude his nose looks like a fucking barnacle so that's bad so his nose looks like some barnacles and his eyes look like they're fucking caked up caked up eyes and fucking nose barnacle and uh so it looks really bad so anyway taking him into the vet tomorrow and who knows if it's his last day or not in the meantime trash dog chens uh i talk about him. I still call him Trash Dog on the Rogan podcast. He's always going to a fucking superstar.

Superstar. Hey, could you be more distracting down there? I mean, Jesus Christ. I took Trash Dog to the fucking, to the vet because why? Well, I don't know. We found this dog, I told you told you near target like it was shopping for some fucking placemats or some shit uh and went to uh and and so i don't know all of a sudden he started wincing and shit. I think he was probably abused, but I'm a fucking savior, so I keep him and I keep him nice and I don't fucking, you know,

I keep him real nice and as frustrating as he is because he shits everywhere and fucking vomits everywhere, I still hold my cool and I'm like, it's okay, it's okay. And he barks and fucking wakes the baby up and just everything, dude. And I just go, okay, all right. All right, gents. It's not even his name. I made up a name for him. Trash dog.

Scraps. Fucking rat fuck. Anyway. Run away, dude. So one day he's fucking, you know a dog's in trouble when they're just like this. What? When they look like a fucking – a private – when they look like Donnie Brasco, the fucking Johnny Depp at the end of the movie where he's like, no, no, no. I'm a mafia guy.

And they're like, what the fuck? You wearing a wire? What? Sorry. No no i'm a dog it's all good arf rough rough rough rough rough oh a bone and uh guys in the van guys in the van just hearing arf quieter uh and so um man imagine being one of those guys in the van, guys in the van just hearing arf, quieter. Arf, arf. And so, man, imagine being one of those guys in the van, how important you feel and how fucking dumb you look too. Because you're just so cooped up and you're listening to the guy who was wearing a wire and you're in a fucking flower van. And so he was just chilling not moving and my girl's like something is weird and i'm just like oh for fuck's sake now you think something's wrong again you know i i don't know

i don't know and i'm like no it's fine you know he's just a dog he'll he'll it'll be fine he's just being really weird and i'm like what do you mean and she's just like I don't know it's just like it's just like really like cautious I'm like all right she's like yeah I think it's like for no reason just I think it's like neurological oh all right because you're a fucking vet dude chicks will just fucking make shit up man I think it's a neurological thing. Why? I, you know, if I just. So I'm like, all right. So take him to the fucking vet.

And the vet's like, he pulled his back. Oh, really? That's a fucking neurological. So he pulled his fucking back so she she gave the vet gave him pills now i gotta give him pills every fucking however many hours and he's got like three pills like he's fucking some 80 year old uncle and uh they're in these blue bottles and i go to sleep i wake wake up, and I look, and there's fucking pill bottles all over the goddamn living room floor.

And I go, what the fuck? And they're empty, dude. And this fucking dog, this trash dog, ate 500 milligrams of fucking whatever the hell retinol is called, like it was some fucking Funyuns, dude. And I look back over him and he's just like this. What?

Arf? It's all good. I'm a regular dog. In the meantime, it's just, Arf? 20 minutes go by. Arf. Everything's fine. Ruff. Ruff. Ruff.

Is there a mailman? Gunk. No, but he didn't. He was chilling. And I'm like, all right, let's leave him, dude. He fucking made his bed, dude. The dog ate 500 milligrams of retinol, whatever the fuck it's called. And my girl's like, we should take him in. and i'm like dude we found the dog if he it was like the end of the rocky where dolph lundgren is like if he dies he dies that was me i was dolph lundgren on my fucking trash dog

and she was like i know you don't have a moral responsibility but i am a moral person and i am a moral and moral and i'm a mortal and so so I was like, all right, so now I got to take the fucking trash dog to the fucking vet to the animal hospital, which is, by the way, you're a real. And I'm just like, at least nobody's going to be the animal hospital. Maybe the vets closed. But, dude, the animal hospital, the line was longer than fucking goddamn in and out. It was longer than fucking what was the Christ chicken? What's that place called? The Christ chicken place?

The fucking, the place where they don't believe in gays? What the fuck is it? Chick-fil-A? Those fucking, so scared of cocks and butts? Anyway, it was like the line for Chick-fil-a and i gotta go and i gotta park and now i'm waiting again my dog butters with the fucking pink eye and barnacle nose at home just like i wonder where the fuck trash dog went and and my fucking dog is just and trash dog is just chilling in the fucking in the baby seat behind my car just looking at me i'm like it's not for

you get the fuck out then the nurse comes with fucking gloves and a fucking mask and she's like is everything okay i'm like just take the goddamn dog and see what the hell's going on if he's alive or not and they're like well we'd like to keep the dog for two days i said how much is that going to cost she's like well you know you could take it for one day and i said how much is it going to cost said, we'll call you back. Call me back. It's going to cost four grand. Yeah. Four fucking grand. Like it's some nice shoes. Like it's a blazer.

I got to wear three times, dude. I'm not spending four grand on a dog. I found your target two months ago. Okay. I already got barnacle nose fucking costing me $800 on some eye drops that don't work. It's just making him worse. Looks like matt damon at the end of contagion and so now this dog uh i gotta i'm like no bring the dog back they're like well we don't recommend it well i said well really well i recommend you giving me my fucking dog back so i bring the dog back and i was just chilling they give him some charcoal i don't know what the fuck like he was

bad at christmas and they gave him some charcoal and they ate it and then he shit out fucking black charcoal they literally are like well his dog if his poop is black bring him in and i said just give him charcoal and they're like well okay if it's black like for the next day after the charcoal shit and they're like you have to bring him in the next day. And I'm like, I'm not doing that. And then you have to also bring him in on the 11th. I said, I'm not doing that. So guess what? He's fine. Where is he? Where are you, trash dog?

Come here, Chenzo. Chenzo, come here. Come here, buddy. Make your debut here. Come here. Come here, buddy. Good boy. He ran away away all right you know you don't listen to me and you just eat fucking pain meds like they're fucking skittles it's fine it's fine and uh and he and he don't even affect him dude he's so fucking he doesn't give a shit dude

he's like you think pain meds fuck me up dog no way man way, man. No way, man. I eat trash. I straight up will eat a milk carton without the milk in it, man. I don't give a fuck, dog. When I leave your house and I run away, I eat all sorts of shit. Leaves, trash, Dunkin' Donuts wrappers, and also fucking channel changers. If I find that, I don't give a fuck, man. Bandanas, COVID masks, full of COVID. I don't give a fuck, man. Bandanas, COVID masks, full of COVID, I don't give a fuck, man. So I fucking, uh,

so I love this dog, I guess. I don't know, man. I'm a good guy deep down is what I am. It was my point. I took this dog I found to the fucking thing. I spent, I think it was $900 on the goddamn guy. And they wanted me to spend an extra $4,000. And I'm just like, dude.

You know? So I ordered this fucking thing online. This cup. I have. That this is made. This. It's really good. You got to check it out.

It's EmilyVanderme, V-A-N-D-E-R-M-E-Y.com. And you can order your animal's likeness. She draws it on the cup. She carves it into the cup. It's like a coffee mug. It's really fucking cool. And she's going to do one of chenzo they're good gifts if you do it emilyvandermay.com e-m-i-l-y-v-a-n-d-e-r-m-e-y.com

go there and you can get your animal on this mug and i'm going to get chenzo trash dog on the mug this way if he runs away i'm going to fucking remember him by just having him on my cup. Because, goddamn, I'm not looking for him again. And if he eats more pills, he's gone, dude. If he eats more pills, that's his shit, man. So you've got to check that website out. It's really good, the way she does it. You have to look.

I can't believe how good it is they did she did one of butters and sam too and cooper and it's fucking awesome anyway um check it out uh so yeah so by the way he's fine thank god i didn't give him to the fucking four four grand police thank god i didn't give him to the to the uh because he's okay i know they milk you dude i'm no conspiracy theorist but i know they milk you um what the fuck was i gonna uh oh uh oh yeah dude i don't know why the fuck this happened but i have and i i try to get the bottom of it I just tried to find it out today but like last episode of my podcast on YouTube there are certain parts of the world

it's regional, it's territorial where there's like so many ads on it and I don't know why now make no mistake dude I always want to get the most bags and if you come in between me and my bags I don't care, I'm still going to do it that's the price to listen.

But I did not okay this, and I don't know why all the ads are like – some people are like, why are there so many ads? And there's like 15 of them, dude. Dude, trust me. If I'm going to do that many ads, I'm going to tell you, and I'm going to set it up, and I'm going to be like, this is the ads episode. You motherfuckers are going to sit through all of them because I'm going to make this cash. But I didn't do that. So I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. I'm trying to fix it.'m pissed off it doesn't happen

for everybody but uh some people i don't know where in the world it's happening but it's annoying as fuck dude youtube is going through something different and it happened uh so i'm trying to fix it but whatever uh it's all good uh i'm going to fucking figure it out. Dude, I love how Quibi was like, this is that thing, man. Dude, I'm getting real good at knowing what's going to tank and what's not going to tank. Like, real good. Like, I know that movie with fucking where Chris Evans played the trumpet was going to tank. I knew that lawyer movie with fucking Michael basketball. Jordan was going to tank.

I knew it because who the fuck cares. And I'm no knockout. Michael B. Michael basketball. Jordan is a great fucking actor. I love Michael barbershop, Jordan, and he is amazing.

Michael Barnacle. Jordan is amazing. Michael Barnacle Jordan is amazing. And, um, but nobody's going to watch that movie where he's like a real lawyer and he's fucking popping out to seem so jacked, you know, just like order. Just like a fucking superhero order. He's so jacked. He fucking snorts creatine you know and he's gonna be a lawyer imagine that guy showed up as your lawyer he'd be like this guy's gotta be fucking joking right guys that work out fucking lawyers that work out five wake up at 5 a.m and work out

and um and so uh but yeah but so quibi was just came out with underwhelmingly the amount of, what do you call them, subscriptions. I got it. I don't even know why. Here's the thing. I got Quibi, and then I meant to watch it, and I didn't. And I knew that it wasn't going to come out banging out the gates because – and I'm not knocking. I'm sure there's great shit on Quibi. Like, they've got really good, I mean, Steven Spielberg is doing shit on there,

and, you know, they got, like, cool people who do cool content and shit. But, like, here's the deal. People don't care if it looks good nowadays. It just reeks of, like, older guys trying to capitalize on the younger audience. And the younger audience already has that down like the younger audience is youtube it's fucking whatever the you know tiktok instagram it already has it down you don't need to make a new one and try to cash in on it no i understand that's what they're trying to do and they were trying to make it star driven and okay

like they got like fucking crazy people on this quibby shit but like people don't these kids don't care no you know what kids don't do they don't look at their phone and go okay vertical cool dude i've never once seen a kid holding a fucking phone like this unless they're playing a video game kids watch shit like this dude nobody's gonna turn their phone sideways to watch a fucking movie with that chick from dark phoenix nobody cares if it's nine minutes oh yeah it's but it's bite size oh i don't care there's a skittles it's nothing it's like so anyway it came out with underwhelmingly amount of uh the amount of subscriptions and uh i knew that was gonna

happen and you should have checked with me. Dude, these motherfuckers got to check with me, man. I know. But yeah, so whatever. You know what I knew was going to fucking do well? Is 6... Templashy 6-9. Templashy completion completion 49 dude I knew fucking completion for nine with

I knew completion fortnight was gonna fucking kill that guy came out he snitched by the way which is exactly what I would have done fuck yeah dude if I get caught everybody's going to jail but me just so you know if I get caught everybody's getting it going to jail but me just so you know if i get caught everybody's getting going to jail but me oh you want to know who was in on it well there was

me saying names that's me saying all sorts of names i go like this Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. That's me saying all sorts of names. I go like this. All the names on the fucking roll of toilet paper. That's who did it. Nice doing business with you.

So I fucking... So I fucking, you know... So suck me off to completion for nine came out. Dude. So fucking suck me off to completion for nine snitch got out and made a music video and fucking broke the internet, dude. Suck me off to completion, dude my god man when i first heard somebody say yeah dude she sucked me off the completion i go like this here are my clothes here's everything i was going to eat here's everything i own i'm not a person anymore dude you can't just say that and then fucking expect me to go on living. That's the fucking bird. So anyway, dude.

Yeah, she sucked me off the completion, bro. Okay, man. Hey, dude. Yeah, she sucked me off to completion, bro. Okay, man. Hey, dude. What blowjob stops? It doesn't stop unless you're going to get to go to have sex later. A blowjob is always to completion unless you're going to do sex later. You know what I mean? Let's go get Taco Bell.

No, it's always fucking whoops all over your face, kid. Do you remember that song? Give me that, that, that nut. Give me that, that, that nut. That fucking Eazy-E said disgraceful. Give me that, give me that, give me that nut. Where it goes? Where it does the Green Acres song.

Because Green Acres is the place to be. What does he say? Always fucking is the life for me. What's the first part? What's the first part? Oh, yeah. So fucking crass. Oh, oh, oh.

He goes. And some pussy is the place to be. Always fucking is the life for me. He goes, Don't say that because, I mean, dude, you know? This song is called Gimme That Nut. So crass. 14-year-olds loved it. I loved it, dude, you know? This song is called Gimme That Nut. Oh. So crass. 14-year-olds loved it. I loved it, dude. I'd listen to it in my suburb and I'd be laughing, man.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Fucking sucked me off to completion. 4ix9ine came out and he snitched and he's bragging about it. And he broke the internet. 42 million views in 24 hours. And of course that was going to be a hit. Hey, Quibi, just fucking do that. Nobody's known for their fucking music anymore

unless you're like Adele. You got to do other shit. That's why it's like I don't know. People ask me to do shit on I just want to be a comedian, dude. You know? I don't want to do a

fucking zoom comedy show for fuck's sake some guy texted me the other day hey i did my first zoom comedy show and i ate shit and i was like how do you kill um yeah but just so fucking bad off to completion, dude. Oh, wow, man. So, yeah, I guess we can't play the video. But, I mean, dude, the guy just got, he got his teeth. I feel like he got his teeth done in prison. Dude, the guy snitched. He's going to die.

How did this guy not die yet? Why would any, I get why, but also why would anybody fucking watch that music video like also says the n-word so much and he's not black get him just the overall worst guy. Like, I just feel like he's just so rude and bad and a bad person and just like fucking during meetings he shows up late.

Hey, dude, let me tell you one thing for sure. Samplashie Fav 9 has have Champlamfee fucking Champlamfee, Jean Favreau 9 has never fucking showed up to a meeting first. He always shows up ten minutes late and he's just like, I'm punching ten faces before we start. Where the face is at?

I need to punch. Pow, pow. The smaller and more women, the better. Pow, pow. And so anyway I didn't watch the music video Because they're not getting my click dude That's my new thing dude

Not clicking I'm not clicking Fucking clickbait I go like this Oh ho ho ho Alright And then I go like this Whoop

Nope I ain't clicking Join me in the no click In the no click fucking zone man I don't get I don't get clicking on that shit um takashi blam fine has over fucking 200 tattoos of 69k all good but see ya hey you're a dark okay um anyway dude enough of that shit. Dude. Apples. Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year,

The beginning of summer or the end of the school year. Celebration cookies. Celebrate good times. Now, let me level with you. Does it make me mad that one fire goes into the fucking Google document of the ads and changes shit while I'm giving the ads and then completely messes me up? Yes, dude. Oh, does it make me irate though yes does it make me blood curdling mad though yes does he still do it yes it's all good yeah it's all good but it freaking makes me mad dude

i even said suck me off to completion and he laughed hard and then he fucking does that dude it's fucking bullshit um so anyway dude uh what was I gonna say about the thing though

I gotta live my life the way I want man am I doing what I want enough am I doing what I want enough? Am I doing what I want enough? That's what you gotta ask yourself, dude. Because you gotta do what you want as much as you can impossible in life. And if you don't, it's okay. Because you gotta live for other people.

Sometimes you fuck a girl and a baby comes out. Sometimes you fuck a guy and you fucking make it so you live with them. And then you have to like, being like, oh, who's the guy? Who's the fucking the fucking top who's the body you gotta work shit out is what i'm saying and sometimes you're like but i don't want to get fucked in the butt it's like all right but it's your turn or whatever the fuck it is dude you gotta fucking live that hedonistic lifestyle because it rips dude life rips man if you make it rip and it's okay if it doesn't because it's still it's still i don't know man but my point is is

sometimes the podcast is good and sometimes it's bad and i don't give a shit and you guys are with me till the end dude you ride with me man you ride with me i need to be a fucking hypnotist i need to give up everything and just be a hypnotist, man. And just get people to do shit. That's what I am. Oh shit, I realize I'm a hypnotist. That's what it is. Because Sabashi Fanfine was like, fuck it, I snitched and then made money off of snitching.

That's a bad thing. I got to double down and be like, fuck yeah, dude. That's that Trump shit. I never said it. Video of him saying it.'s interesting i don't know i didn't i didn't say that that was a different thing i said what yeah whatever that is that you heard that wasn't what i said and it wasn't what i meant so your fake news is what it is my babies watch my Watch my Netflix special. No pain.

It's out streaming on Netflix. And then there's other ones too that I do on Netflix. That I did on Netflix. Dude, I have a confession, man. I fucking... You know how sometimes you get the wrong shit sent to your house from someone else well that happened i got sent the wrong thing i hate when i get the fucking someone else's mail dude guess what i have a thing if if uh if you get my mail at your house that's your mail that's your mail now if it's a gift you're welcome if it's a bill

pay that shit okay that's how we do it the postal service works the way it works and if you mail something somewhere else that's the end of it, dude. That's what's happened to every single time I've gotten a jury duty letter. Never saw it. I mean, I don't even know if I've gotten it. I don't even know if they know I exist, the court court because every time the fucking post office has sent me jury duty i guess it's been lost because i've never seen one all right it's not that i've gotten it, seen it and thought, oh, I'm not going. Because I'm a good guy. It's that I've never gotten a jury duty notice.

And that's the truth. I'll put my hand on the on the fucking Bible. And I'll say that to a police officer. All right? So I hope that person goes to be the juror for me. All right? I hope that person sits in the fucking juror's box for me and goes like this. Guilty. Not guilty.

I listen. Dude, imagine me in a fucking jury box. I swear to God. First of all, they would never pick me they'd be like so have you ever had any run-ins with the law and i'd be like oh well i fucking hope i know but i can't wait well you know one time i'll fucking they'd be like you know what we're already you're you're two guns blazing all right you're out bye and i'd be like well then why the fuck i have to wake up at 6 a.m and get here by 9 dude i'm out in a fucking ripped t-shirt you

didn't even wear the right attire i don't want to fucking be here man hey what the fuck arresting me and then they got to get a fucking juror jury jury duty for me and it's the guy that got my fucking shit oh so this is the guy this is the guy i got the mail from um so yeah dude if you get oh man and if i was ever selected in in any of the fucking realm of possibility of okay yeah we'd like to pick mr uh dalia i would be in the jury box dude i would roll my eyes so much that it would be loud i would do it so hard that it would be loud you'd hear me you'd be like and okay and so they'd be like doing the cross-examination so you're saying mr uh plum that when you were in the parking lot there were trees in the way that's what you were saying between uh the so-called

victim and and yourself and the guy would be like that's what i'm saying and then you hear me in the back just be like oh come on dude like really oh come on sir what do they even do if a juror acts up do they stop it all right all right well he's being a fucking dick that would be me from the jurors box and everyone here knows it because we talk about it behind when we take a recess we fucking talk about it in the jury room or whatever the fuck it's called back there behind you judge we talk about it and even the fucking bailer shot me bailiff shot me a look look bailiff or the fucking female what do you call a female bailiff bailiff at the fucking bailiff at fucking gave me a look so you do the fucking math but i don't think he did it can i get it like a fucking pizza or something? I'm so hungry. You guys make me eat at the wrong times.

Dude, why fucking lunch at fucking 1130, really? I eat at fucking 1030, 339, and fucking 1 a.m. And you fucked up my whole schedule, dude. Because some guy stole some money from a gas station anyway um so i oh yeah if you get my mail that's it if it's a gift it's yours if you fucking if it's a bill pay that shit okay now i get mail most of the time it's mine. Sometimes I get mail and it's someone else's and dude, I don't give it back to the person. That shit's mine. Okay. If it's something like, okay, wow, this person really needs to get it. Okay. I'll fucking, I'll Uber send it to somebody,

but dude, even if it's seven houses or like i gotta walk down here now they fucked up that's the game dude the mail is mine now okay thanks for these you know shorts or whatever the fuck people mail each other guess what i got dude i got cookies i got cookies i got cookies from I got cookies. I got cookies from a friend to another friend. And they showed up on my fucking thing. Not only was it the wrong mail because I know the name.

By the way, dude, I'm not going to tell you who it was, but it was a fucking huge celebrity. And they got their cookies from a friend that was giving them cookies for a nice, hey, you know, just thinking of you. I got it on my doorstep. It had the huge celebrity's name on it. Way bigger than me, dude. And it wasn't delivered to the wrong place. It was delivered to the right place because they had my address on it. So you fucked up, cookie maker. So guess what, dude? I ate the cookies. I ate the cookies. I ate that big celebrity's cookies. There were so many of them

and I ate them all. Sometimes I ate half of them and I ate another half and was watching The Sopranos and I fucking threw away the rest of the two because honestly, because I forgot I had them after three weeks and they were a little bit stale. But I ate them, dude, and I didn't give them back. And that celebrity is not going to get those cookies. Okay? Because that's the game, dude. That's the game.

If you miss – if you send cookies to the wrong – my girl, she's like, we're going to make scones now for the fucking person. So now we've got to give fucking scones to the goddamn celebrity. I got to show up. Imagine the fucking celebrity fucking not knowing. Just also imagine the other person. Like, what the fuck? We told my dad about it. And he was like, yeah, you don't do that shit.

He was like, yeah. Well, what kind of guy did I raise? And I was like a fucking cookie eater. I don't do that shit. He was like, what kind of guy did I raise? And I was like, a fucking cookie eater. I'll tell you that much. Dude, the mail. So I fucking ate the cookies and they were pretty damn good. And thank you. I'll have to find out who sent it.

I still have the note. It was a beautiful note. I read it. I read the note and I ate the cookies. And they're mine and it's fine and it's going to be fine. And that person who sent the cookies is probably like, I wonder if that fucking celebrity got the cookies.

And that person has no idea. Did you ever get my cookie? I'm sure that didn't even happen yet because it hasn't been long enough. And they have no idea that Crystal Lear, the comedian, sat in his living room watching the Sopranos eating those fucking red velvet cookies, man. They were red velvet cookies, and I ate them, dude.

And there were also a cookie called the beer cookie. And there was also a cookie called the cupcake cookie. And there was also a cookie called the chocolate chip cookie. And there was also a gluten-free cookie. And I was like, yeah, right, dude. What the fuck am I, Mormon? I'm not eating a gluten-free chocolate chip cookie. It was a cookie crate, was what they're called.

And thanks, cookie crate. Anyway, dude. Well, I got to make fucking scones for the fucking... Sorry, Hilary Duff. It was Hilary Duff. Fucking ate Hilary Duff's cookies. I know her too. Which is like I did a movie with her. And I see her in my neighborhood sometimes.

I ate Hilary Duff's cookies, dude. And she has no fucking idea. She has zero idea that those cookies are even. Were sent to her probably. Or maybe she does. And she's like, where's my cookies? And crystal, I ate fucking Hilary Duff's cookies. And now I got to fucking make. Or maybe she doesn't. She's like, where's my cookies? And Crystal, the, a fucking Hillary Duff cookies. And now I got to fucking make her scones or some shit.

She also fucking gave me other things, dude. Hillary Duff. She dropped off like eco-friendly dish soap and stuff. And it was like so sweet and diapers and shit, eco-friendly diapers. And she was like here. And I was like,

Oh, thanks. And then fucking her i got her cookies and i ate them dude like a real piece of shit if you ever get my my that's the game though my dad was like oh now you know what karma's gonna come back around and that's gonna fucking bite you in the ass and i said dude this is the end of the karma this is karma getting fucking her back for some shit. Or the cookie maker.

I'm sitting pretty, dude. I'm a good guy. I ate those cookies because it was my karmic duty. Fuck yeah, dude. I figured it out. Woo! I'm scot-free, dude. I'm the fucking cookie monster, dude. I'm fucking, I'm the fucking cookie monster, dude.

I'm fucking. I'm the fucking cookie monster dude. I ate Hilary Duff's cookies. Jeremy Renner take me out. Fuck yeah dude. Red Velvet. Sensational. Chocolate chip cookie.

Sensational. Birthday cake cookie. Sensational. Gluten free fucking cookie. Fucking that was chocolate chip cookie. But also the fucking other one that I mentioned earlier that I forget Sensational Oh fuck yeah they were all Sensational

The runner take me out dude I fucking ate them dude I ate them and I went nom nom More of the cookies went this way The cookies went that way dude It was like sparks flying when a guy's in a montage of a movie making something dude Rather take me out I figured it out dude

That's karma coming back around Don't do bad shit and you won't get your fucking cookies eaten Change the shot of the camera and it's all good dude we lose our minds man guess why this isn't eaten because i ate the fucking cookies instead car fucking german runner take me out hell yeah dude i'm sweating because i do work for you guys you know i work for you guys this is real life i don't fucking sit around and dilly dally and fuck around i work for you guys you know i'm a sweaty guy because i work when i work out i go hard i don't do the fucking bitch

shit my buddy is like i do two workouts a day i was like really i say yeah what do you do he says well in the morning i do a really fast walk but i swing my arms when i do it and i go like this bro you're 48 don't say you swing your arms for a workout and then he also does fucking other things the second part of the workout is an actual fierce one anyway dude wow dude renner take me out is good uh i'm in a good mood and nobody can stop me man what if you said that and then killed yourself that would be fucking amazing i'm in a good mood and nobody could stop me dude one time i was at uh fucking dinner with my friend no it was lunch

as that with my friend and we were four of us and and we were eating and he fucking just – and we were all laughing. He's like, yeah, and he took a pill and drank water. And I said, I'm taking cyanide. And he fucking spit the water out everywhere. And that's a fucking funny joke for that ass that you can do every time someone is just taking pills and they don't look like a mention taking pills. Dude, if you're at a fucking restaurant and you take pills, you got to be like, yo, guys, I'm going to take a pill right now. You can't just fucking casually pop fucking pills in your mouth and shit. There's laws.

Yeah, there's laws, dude. Suck me up to completion, dude. What about fucking actually before even that? Here's something that I'm not doing, okay? And everyone can stop asking me because I'm getting real comedians asking me to do this. Like comedians that are fucking even like do headlining gigs and shit. I'm not, and you can stop texting me if you know me personally or asking me if you don't on Twitter or whatever the fuck or DMing me to do a Zoom comedy show.

Okay? I'm not doing a fucking Zoom comedy show. Do you know why? Two reasons. That's a fucking horrible idea. Number one. And number two, I have a successful podcast. So I have an outlet for an outlet for it. Outlad. Hmm. I'm pissed. Whenever I mistake a word, I usually don't go back and say it and i i usually don't go back and correct it that's the word now okay outlad i don't even understand what was i saying about it what

was the word outlad what was that outlet outlet outlet dude i have an outlad i have a fucking outlad and it's my part it's my podcast do you understand me dude i have an outlad and it's me podcast fucking irish dude what are words anyway dude i beep like kanye so i'm not doing a zoom comedy show, man, because it's going to be fucking awful. All right? I have my podcast. It's all set up. I'm up here doing my shit. Dude, I got a guy who texted me nine times.

Do you want to do one of this? It's fucking no. I'm fine with doing just no stand-up until stand-up comes back round um because dude well i don't understand too there's like well yeah but you already are successful like these comedians they're like well we're doing a zoom just start a podcast dude just talk shit vice vice dude which welcome which is just vice you know they did a fucking stand-up comedy in the age of i walked i went down to find out stand-up comedy in the age of social distancing i have glasses so they went to go fucking no this is the stay at home comedy show i kind of don't

want to do material right now because all my jokes are set bc uh like before corona digging that look it's not even that these people aren't funny i'm sure they are funny this is just not the medium for it no knock on these motherfuckers these people are probably talented if they get on the stage i'm sure they could crush and i also like feel for these motherfuckers because i remember doing stand-up starting out and whatever i don't know if these people are starting out or not but like vice did a whole thing on canceled would you be down to try just doing it streaming like a live show but it'd just be us doing it to our computer and like no laughter and no audience and no feedback that's just a podcast so just say it's a podcast this guy looks cool

i would fucking hang with this guy um but it's just not good it's not going to be funny if you do it's not going to be funny if you do that's the thing man everything is different like i always like i always like try to make it like instagram i'm not going to do instagram like i'm going to do this podcast i'm not going to do this podcast like i'm going to do my stand-up i always say this it's all for different mediums some people like me on instagram they don't like my podcast some people like my stand-up they don't like my fucking twitter because it's different and it has to be because it's a different medium if i were to do my tweets like my stand-up my twitter would be

awful my twitter is awful but you know what i mean it's like um you know i i it it's just you can't do the thing you want to do so much in this medium that way. It's also like, okay, Rona, it's okay to not be funny as a comedian. Or not be rip-roaringly hilarious dude when i started this podcast i didn't think it was gonna be i didn't know if it's gonna be funny or not i just thought it's gonna be funny to me do you gotta do what makes yourself laugh man you have to do what makes yourself laugh that's what i do that's all i fucking do is'm, you know, this isn't advice or what, but like Zoom, this Zoom comedy shit, it's gotta go, dude. It's not funny. I mean, fucking the best comedians can do it and it won't be good.

It's just, it's not the medium for it. Do a podcast. Do this. This wouldn't work on stage. This is me bullshitting. If I were to come out and have a thing like, I'm going to talk about this. I'm going to do this material. I'm going to do that material. It would be fucking atrocious, dude. You'd sniff it in a minute and you'd fucking hang up on me. This is a phone call, but you'd click out of the YouTube, man. You'd turn it off Spotify. You'd say, get out of here, iTunes podcast.

This is the podcast. This is not stand-up comedy. Big believer in that, man. Anyway, dude, vice Zoom comedy. Vice. Let me see. Let's look up some of these Zoom comedy shows. Some of them are my friends probably.

I don't want to bash anybody. These guys look... I'm sure they're successful and funny and shit and I'm sure they're good on stage. I feel for these dudes. I get it. It's a rough time. But this is not the answer. Zoom... Let's just Google Zoom comedy show. Somebody was like...

Dude, somebody hit me up and they were like, hey, fucking hit me up and they were like hey fucking uh hit me uh you could do a set and we'll pay you thousands of dollars and and it you know we don't record it and leave it up it's just live and i'm like dude you don't think someone's gonna fucking record it and put it up and i'm gonna look like a fucking huge jackass improv comedy show by eight that's another thing i don't get is uh um i watched first of all i watched uh middle ditch and schwartz and it was funny they're funny those guys are fucking funny um that's like the best version of that to me but long form improv to me is so weird

like it's just i mean i get that you know people are uh the people who do it are funny i don't know if it's for me i want to try to do long form improv to see what it is like but i just don't they're just like so what's up with the fucking give me a suggestion anybody got a suggestion and they're like sure police okay all right police okay does anybody have a time arrow they want it to be in 1980 all right please 1980 all right cool. Does anybody have an object? A chicken? Sure, sure. Okay, chicken, please. Okay, chicken,

please. I'm already bored as shit. Okay, does anybody have a fucking name? Yeah, sure, sure. Uh, okay, Lisa. Okay, Lisa. Okay, okay, Lisa. Okay, okay, Lisa.

Okay, okay, Lisa in a car and a police in a chicken and it's 1980. Okay. Does anybody have anything random they want to just throw out there? A four-wheeler. Okay, okay. It's a police officer in Lisa and it's a four-wheeler in the fucking 1980s. Okay. So, and see,

there we go. Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a chicken. I'm a cop and I'm in a four-wheeler in 1984. And everyone's just like, oh,

eat my asshole. I'm making fun of it, dude. There's good versions of it, okay? So don't come at me with this fucking... Long form mule frob is actually fucking... If you look at the ass cat or if you look at the upright... Dude, no, okay? Just fucking...

I don't know. Cancel me already. So I can just fucking... I don't know. Cancel me already. So I can just fucking... become right wing, you know? I want to become right wing. Cancel me. Cancel me so I can become right wing in three years. So I can dip out of the shadows.

Good, I have a cough. Yes! So. What do we have left? Dude. What do we have left? How many fucking times do we have left? I know I told you that story about one time I said fucking how many times is it to my dad and my dad asked my dad was so pissed off i said instead of how much longer

do we have to go that much longer till we're there and he was driving to the toll booth i said ask the toll guy how many times is how many times is it and he goes like i'm fucking chris i don't know how many times is it to the fucking toll booth guy um so uh. I did a Zoom fucking thing with my buddy. My buddy fucking asked me to do Zoom with him and a few fans because, so to help him out, I did it. I did the Zoom. It wasn't a comedy show. I fucking worked out while I Zoomed it, dude. I do what I do on the Zoom shit.

And I always wanted to know about this guy who does fucking. Oh, wait, dude. D fucking Railman. This is what I want to look up. I've always wanted to look this shit up on the podcast. There's been 200 episodes or something, so I don't think that we've done this before. But this guy. I found this so long ago and this guy it's called his name is daniel

songer all right and i found this guy years ago on youtube and he does comedy acts. This is the original Zoom comedy show guy. Okay? His YouTube is Dan Poet Man. All right? Oh. Now, this guy is the most life's unraveling guy of all time. His wife or partner left him for sure. And this guy was like, great, who gives a fuck?

I'm starting a YouTube channel. And all of a sudden was like, I'm'm a comedian i'm going to do comedy shows this guy is a fucking genius by mistake all right this is his comedy show dude he's got 267 comedy act 267 we are the people comedy act 266 the greatest comedy act story act 265 happy easter in the name of i don't know story act 258 the irishman these are just comedy act 246 we the men oh they already did we the people he did we the men are before that so that's pretty cool comedy act 238 condom smile well we gotta watch this is the one we're gonna listen to here we go so it always starts dude the fucking video starts always without him and then he introduces himself and it's just a shot of like trees or in front of his garage or on his deck and then he'll walk into it and it's so dope dude comedy please i am introducing the world to Daniel Songer, Comedy Act 238, Condom Smile.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, comedian, entertainer, Daniel Songer. He always gets so out of breath in the first half of the day, too. It's amazing. Wow. Starts it off by going like this hey comedian entertainer daniel songer back here with a condom smile oh comedian entertainer daniel songer back here with a condom smile duty has condoms taped on his red shirt

in a smile they look used and he's wearing shorts the guy never wears pants only wear shorts so gave up on life and is the shit so life's unraveling lost his job and goes like this fine fuck it i'm a comedian anyway and then started doing this wow dude the guy's face gets so red it's as red as his shirt yes that's it comedy at 238 condom smile hey you know what guys i have never been one to go up to a lady and just say you know just just even to say you know hey i want to talk dirty to you you know let alone you're going up to a lady and say, do you want to do something dirty with me? You know, I just have never been that kind of man, you know?

But when I was a teenager, I would walk up to a pretty girl and I'd say, do you want a screw? Yeah! I'd open my hand, and there lies a screw! Yeah, you know, but today, today today i tell you man you don't even have to open your hand condom smile condom smile yeah you dance he does. Yeah. It's like, hey.

I love when the joke, I love when the joke, when the punchline happens and he's just like, you know. Hey, do you want to do something dirty? Yeah. I mean, it's just, woo. I'm telling you. Explosion. Oh, she's trailing off.

Condom smile. And brought it back. Callback. Callback. Callback. Very good callback. Okay, cool. Let's go to another one, dude. Wow, this guy's in his speedo.

Here we go. Comedy Act 216, The Eligible Bachelor. Oh, wait. Hold on. Comedy Act 215, Shit Happens Rear-Ended. MPJ. Didn't take the MPJ off it. Dude, retitle it.

Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen. Fast backyard. Comedian, entertainer, Daniel Songer. Oh, wow. Short song. Wow. He dresses like a rapist for real.

A date rapist. Hey! The way he begins it always. He goes with his back like this and then crosses his hands and then turns around like this and goes, hey! Wow, dude. Yes, that's me. Oh, wow. comedian, entertainer, Daniel Songer. Comedy Act 215.

It's your new superhero. Yeah, that's me, your new superhero. And, buddy, I want to tell you guys about three great books of poetry available at danpoetman.com. Oh, he's a poet. Three poetry books available at danpoetman.com. Now, that's going to give you some inspiration, guys. There's song lyrics. I've got to know this guy.

You know, I mean, you can sing along, you know. I want to be your hero. I want to be your hero. I want to be your man. The hero, yeah. Amen. Always ends with a yeah. Wow. This guy's amazing.

What is this guy? Dan Poet Man. What I'd like to do for you. Oh, whoa. These are the early ones. Whoa. 2007. He's wearing a fucking hat that like James Cagney would wear and he's got a tie on. It's called the Queen of the Thunder.

The lightning flashed. Then I heard the thunder roar. Oh, he does poetry. Wow. Dude, what was the guy who sings those fucking one fire what was the guy who sings those fucking imagine all the people remember the guy who sings like that okay try to find him dude that guy oh my god that guy has so many... Fuck, I wish we could find that shit. This is awesome.

We're just hanging out. Daniel Songer. I've got to find more of this guy here. There were some of them. Videos. Down in a damn poacher to Christmas wow he loves this red shirt

living hitchhiker did you find it no ladies and oh you text it text it alright here we go

this guy is so great. Did you text it? Oh, well, naturally text it. Dude, you got to hear this guy sing. This guy's so great. Talk about essay divorce guy. Okay, here we go.

Tim Byrne. That's his name. Wow. This guy. Okay. Okay, dude. This guy. Oh, wow. Okay guy. Oh, wow.

Okay, in his kitchenette. Timothy Byrne. This has somehow 55,000 views. You just got to hear this. The most insecure singing of all time, dude. This is the most insecure singing of all fucking time, dude. This is the most insecure singing of all fucking time, dude. And it's also the best singing I've ever heard in my life. Oh, he's sweating so hard already.

So nervous. When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Same note, but every time. Not one note different. Every note is the same note. So offbeat. Same note, every time. All the same note.

Went a little lower there. Running out of breath so hard. Going to pass the fuck out. It's so hard. And hit his head on the fucking stove handle. And it's going to bleed. And then he's going to wake up in fucking one hour. Not say anything to anybody.

Not call anybody. And just make toast. And then eat it, and sit down, and think about how much it hurts, and then go to bed, and the thought before he goes to bed is going to be, I hope I don't have a concussion because I might die tonight. And then wakes up the next

morning, and decides to do another song. That's exactly what happened. Oh, the whole vibrato. Let it be. Oh, this is the real... This is the real fucking... When it goes... You know, when all songs go higher.

Songs go higher to fucking... Knock you out of the park. You know what I mean? A song will be like, let me be your hero, baby. And then it fucking, you can't take my breath away. And then it goes,

let me be your hero. You know what I mean? I can work to wear the pain. Let me be your hero. It's racist. And so, there will be an answer. Let it be.

Let it be. The description is me singing to piano CD. Let it be. I think he does like a ton of them. Oh, he starts talking. I knew he was British. God bless this motherfucker. I love this dude.

This is a guy I would be friends with in eighth grade, and my mom would be like, I can't be friends with his parents. Why can't you fucking pick a guy that's like, here's another song this guy's doing. Oh, I love this guy, dude. I make fun of him because I love him. You understand? This guy. love this guy dude i make fun of him because i love him you understand this guy oh he's this is a oh he does just a video of him

saying hello Hmm, that was an odd one. I don't really know what to make of that one. Okay, that was a video he posted. Okay, here's another one. This is great, dude. This episode's a little longer, but I'm having a lot of fun. What's a good song? Sometimes, maybe it's you.

Maybe it's you. Jeez, this guy keeps singing the same thing over and over again. Sometimes, so far away. Please rescue me now. What's this one? Right. Timothy James Byrne. Timothy James Byrne here again.

I mean, my rental flat in Highbury, England today is the 19th of August 2019 let me show you his second date oh he's not Ted would have the swiper if I gave it back to her

it's the 19th of August in 2019 and the love boat is on uh SDSO is that Anne Baxter? possibly I'm not sure anyway

so that's what's on television I'm making this video because let me show you there are a hundred videos of the same thing. I'm making this video because I'm concerned with something that's just happened with me. I've just gone to look at my boiler, which has my hot water, and it seems like it's been sabotaged.

There's actually like a big hole in the pipe where there wouldn't be a hole. It's like I've been sabotaged here. I'm saying this because I'm asking this i'm actually making here an srs video i'm stuck in this house 42 amersfield homebush england i'll show you where it's my mom i'll start my pc up and show you where it is i'm asking somebody now please come here now there's not today this moment now this second come in and please rescue me from this this uh house i'm stuck in i'm just house with these psychos like this thing up there and these terrorists that are screwing around this construction site next to me yeah yeah

and I feel bad now uh dude the Brian's Instagram about the fucking movie oh my god dude did you see Brian Callen's Instagram movie oh my god dude did you see brian callens instagram

for of this fucking movie dude oh my god brian callen and then i'm gonna go sorry i'm having fun tonight uh in instagram here we. When he did a movie and he posted it, it's called Think Like a Dog. I can't fucking play it on my thing. Here we go. This is so funny to me.

The movie Think Like a Dog. It's about a kid and a dog that talks he says think like a dog check out this movie i shot with mega fox josh tamal and another guy and directed by yada yada and the whole fucking thing he's not in the trailer and it's on his instagram and And then he, and then by the way, a day later, I guess I posted that. I made you guys watch that trailer for that. My friend's dog movie for kids.

I didn't watch it. I didn't realize I wasn't in it. I wasn't in it. I'm sorry to make all you adults watch that children's trailer movie about a dog. Forgive me. I should look. I should. It's my dear friend, the director.

Dude, who cares? Here's the thing, man. You subjected 856,000 people to watch that fucking Think Like a Dog thing. They're all adults. Nobody is going to see that movie because you posted it. First of all, you're not in the goddamn thing. Second of kids don't follow you man you're 52 s the whole thing is reeks of 52 year old he posted the fucking preview of think like a dog a movie about a talking dog with a child is not in it and then makes an apology video and then left the video up the guy's insane the guy's unbelievable

bro it's the funniest shit ever all right i'm done man just remember fucking let it be let it be let it be let it be speaking words of wisdom let it be so check out tim burn and fucking dan poet man and youtube uh you guys are the best you can text me at uh 818-239-7087 i'm trying to figure out my live dates i don't know what's going on with this covid shit um but that's it man uh watch No Pain and all my stuff on Netflix. And then there's also that White Male Black comic. You can watch this, my first special. But you guys, thanks for listening. And subscribe to my channel, dude.

And I really appreciate you guys. Thank you very much. You guys are great. Renner, take me out. Thanks. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. congratulations oh to completion