Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 173. The Apple Is Red

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

Today we have a follow-up to the Hillary Duff cookie saga, Tekashi 6ix9ine's Billboard allegations & Snoop Dogg's response, POV TikTok, Married at First Sight, an examination of titles in pornography, and orgasming to cure Restless Leg Syndrome. Plus, trash dog Vincenzo makes an appearance on the YouTube video. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply what's up my babies It's episode 173 of Congratulations. What's up, dudes? It's me and Chicks. Dudes and Chicks. It's Chris D'Elia for Congratulations Episode 173, and I'm here with Trash Dog right here. A lot of you guys have been asking about Trash Dog ever since I talked about him on Rogan

and put him on my Instagram and everything. But this motherfucker will eat anything, dude. This dog right here, Chenzo the Trash Dog, will eat fucking anything as long as it crinkles. I swear to God, if something goes... He'll look over and run over and eat the shit. And we found him. And now he's in this house.

God damn, dude. All right, we'll catch you later, trash dog. Shedded everywhere. Great, he shed everywhere. Is shedded a word or shed? He shed everywhere. Cool. Anyway, it's episode 173 of Congratulations.

And that was the new theme remix from mr green and i really like that one that one fucking it's very lit it's very banging it's very popping and it's very lit and it's fire so and i'm and i'm fucking young i can say that kind of shit i'm nobody's i've never seen anybody younger than me so it's all good i use this uh i dude i that's it that's it i started using my new fucking i started wearing my my shirts not just t-shirts because i have nowhere to go and i you know i normally only wear the nice shit when i go out at night to go on stage or i would only you know wear it to be fucking going out and seeing seeing people but i'm not

seeing anybody now now i see more people on my fucking although i i won't my podcast reaches more people than i do out out at night anyway but it's all good dude and anyway uh it's just like the 19th the ninth episode we've done in uh quarantine and it's fine i wonder when the country's gonna go back huh i have deep deep analysis of what's going on in the world and when it's going to happen and all that shit. But I don't share it with you guys. But I'm very deep. I'm a very deep person.

I don't want you to know that. But I keep it to myself because I'm a good person. I'm not a fucking piece of shit that just goes out there and starts talking about everything like everybody does because it's so goddamn annoying. So what do you think about? No, no, no. It's none of that shit, dude. My mind is turning to mush. I don't deal with too many people you know i just i deal with only the people that i i fucking like four people in my life i don't read shit you know when this quarantine first started i was like

maybe i'll get a good book or some shit no i just look out the window and stare and also sometimes look at my phone and then sometimes I just like think about shoes so that's it but I got my whole life ahead of me you know and my back hurts and I work out dude and I push through man I fucking push through i did my legs yesterday i do like that dude when i push up i go i do it like a fucking like the shit dude anyway let's get it let's get into it you know complanchy six fine dude saman mitashi kiss fine dude takashi 69 right he fucking is blaming everybody on he's blaming billboard for uh takashi he's blaming uh billboard for buying number ones which of course you can do bought Ariana Grandi the number ones that it's her

billboard that's why they got the number one which of course that happened because why the fuck wouldn't people do that people are like by the way it's not Ariana Grandi's fault it's fucking, by the way, it's not Ariana Grande's fault.

It's fucking Billboard's fault. But that's how you do it, dude. As one fire said before we turn this on, the rich get richer. And don't just say blanket shit like that. But he did say that. I want to find this video and I can't find it. That's great. On Tekashi69. I should probably do this shit before I start recording,

but I don't do it like that because I want to do it the way I want to do it. And you guys are here for me for that. This is his Instagram. Tekashi69. I'm back and they mad, he says. Just made everything up himself. Here we go.

He talks about the fucking... So listen, i want the world to know that okay so first of all he's wearing grandma's panties on his head so already what you're saying is not going to be as interesting as what the fuck is on your head so that's a a, a, a, a huge criticism. If you want people to think you're interesting, what's coming out of your mouth is interesting. Don't wear grandma panties on your head. Okay. They're literally silk pink panties that are just like flopped on his head.

They're not even pushed back. They're just like, it looks like he's the fucking, the chef from the Muppets that you can't, we can't, you know what I mean? We can't. And he's dressed all in white like he showed up to paint

with a grandma's panties on his fucking... Chef from the Muppet lost his job. No, no, a chef wears... This is who he is. He's the chef from the Muppets. He's wearing all white and a fucking hat that looks deflated.

It looks like he ran out of ideas. And he's got so many fucking jewelries on and four watches wearing four watches because he's too poor to get a watch that tells different time zones he just has one for each time zone I got Atlantic I got Pacific

I got Central and I got the other one that nobody ever talks about the one that Phoenix does that they go halfway to the year they go back and then halfway to the year they go halfway to the year, they go back, and then halfway to the year, they go the other way. I think I commented on this. I wrote four watches. Oh, yeah, there it is.

And somebody wrote, bro, who are you? That's my favorite one. Billboard is a lot. You can buy number ones on Billboard. Hey, do it in a more echoey room, by the way, 6ix9ine. Do it in a more echoey room. Literally did it at fucking in a lobby somewhere. Hey, what's up?

You can buy billboards? That's a register in your head. You can buy number ones on Billboard. Now, let me tell you what happened. We was having an ongoing investigation just now. Dude, it's so not fucking legit. We was having an ongoing investigation. We was having an ongoing investigation. Dude, still wouldn't get the part if you auditioned for NYPD Blue.

Sir, we was having an ongoing investigation why can't i ever say investigation it's all good this dude is fucking just rosie perez with face tattoos that's who he is rosie perez we was having an ongoing investigation dude that's actually the dumbest sentence of all time you either were having an on having an investigation or there's an investigation that's ongoing you can't have had an ongoing investigation we was having an investigation that was going on that's still going on just so fucking it up we was having an investigation that was ongoing to see if I could wear panties on my head And it turns out that ongoing

I could wear panties on my head And I'm wearing panties on my head I got four watches You want to know what time it is on the Atlantic? It's 3 o'clock You want to know what time it is on the Pacific? That's a 12 Oh wait

Last Thursday Oh it would be 6 Ariana was stuck with you Subm submitted 60,000 units last second. With the investigation, we found this. Stop saying investigation, dude. Sit trying to fucking sound more legit. You know? With the investigation, we found this.

People are just commenting on this shit oh wait where's the fucking they purchased half of those things with six credit cards when we asked where were those six credit cards lent to billboard said we can't disclose that information understand this they bought

30,000 and so units with six credit cards. Okay, we get it. He says that nine times during this thing, by the way. Six credit cards. Six credit cards. I got grandma panties on my head. Six credit cards. We was having an ongoing investigation.

Six credit cards where's the fucking thing about when he put it on when he put the ongoing investigation he talks about the apple what's where's his fucking stupid instagram there's so many goddamn instagrams for him takashi69 goddamn motherfuckers you know what dude i this is just i don't understand oh here he's sending it to me complain she's six fine um yeah he says that's like when you're saying you were apple it's an apple but also you you know apple's red did you see that shit where he's like apple is red and of course sometimes the apple green but it's like saying the apples it's like you see your apples red and then somebody say apple blue six credit cards idiot also how is he still alive like i

don't want anybody to kill anybody but how the fuck is he still breathing dude he snitches oh here it's twitter so i could fast forward it the apple thing he says dude here we go so listen i want the world to know that where's the apple thing if you want to explain to all the hard-working artists out there the hardworking artists that, and established artists like that, because there's a lot of established artists right now that don't get number ones. And how you deduct, if there's 50 million streams, right,

on Google, why only count 30 million, right? So it's like looking at an Apple and say, I'm obviously looking at you and you're red, but you're not, but you're telling us it's not red. You got caught cheating red-handed, right? So confusing.

So confusing. It's like an apple. You're looking at it at red. You're looking at it and it's red. And then someone's saying it's not red. It's like you cheated. You got caught red-handed. You're saying red so many times.

Just so confused. It's like Little Red Riding Hood came up to you and said, this apple, it's like you said apple's red, and Lil Red Riding Hood is like, that red apple not red. You got called red-handed. Wearing red wings. It's like Lil Red Riding Hood wearing red wings, driving a red Ferrari with Redman in it and Red Fox.

And he say, the apple's red. And the apple's red, but then Red Fox is like, the apple's not red. And then you got called red-handed because you cheat in red. I read a book. His favorite color dude yes um it's like Red Fox is in a red convertible

with you and you there and you say the apple red okay and then a red man pop in and he say oh the apple not red anymore and you got caught and you know the apple red and you read a book on it and you like you read a book on anymore and you got caught and you and you know the apple red and you read a book on it and you like you read a book on cheating and you like you got caught red-handed

the worst analogy of all time congratulations complains she's fine dude the way he the way it has no payoff is amazing right apple sometimes is most likely red right there's green apples but just look at this Dude, the way it has no payoff is amazing. Right? An apple sometimes is most likely red, right? There's green apples, but just look at this. First of all, just pick something that's always red, you know? An apple is red. You know, sometimes it's green, sure.

And sometimes there's in between. An apple could be very, you know, very light green or dark green. But most of the time we think an apple is red. Just say a fucking, fucking you know what's red rudolph's nose just say fucking what is always red my cock um red swollen dick was an episode of 10 minute podcast ha ha ha immature never gonna be running for president but anyway complains he's fine obviously he's probably dead by now i just started talking about it but

and then snoop dogg made a warning to takashi 69 which is great snoop dogg's 90 last time you said something i ain't had time hey snoop dogg get better better lighting for your YouTube video. You've got $7 trillion. He literally looks like fucking one of those people that would do a... Why is he fucking filmed by one of those people and almost got away with it? Well, I just wanted them to know that when I was siphoning money, it was illegal and I was laundering. But today, I got time.

Snoop Dogg, you're 90. Last time you said something, I ain't had time. But today, I got time. Wow. You better get the fuck off my line, nigga. Mm-hmm. Rat boy. Rat boy.

You really better leave me alone. I ain't the one. Oh, shit. No way. No way. Go on and do your shit and get out my way, bitch. You funky doghead, rainbowhead, doghead bitch. So? Yeah, you. Fucking. Better leave the dog alone. You funky dog head Rainbow head Dog head bitch So Yeah you

Fucking Better leave the dog alone Better leave the dog alone I'll find you a cat Oh boy Getting too far away Too carried away with the analogy Better let the dog alone

Better go find a cat You know That make me unhook my leash You know what I mean better let the dog alone, better go find a cat, you know, that make me unhook my leash, you know what I mean, I'll be done eating a bunch of dog food, all full, you know what I mean,

someone will knock at the door, and I'll start barking, you know what I'm saying, piss on fucking, the side of a couch, you know what I'm saying, better find yourself a cat, I got so far with it, I, you know what I'm saying? Better find yourself a cat. I got so far with it.

I, you know, I got a collar. Did you lose your fucking mind? I got four legs, man. I even got two arms. I got four legs. You better not fucking come for me. Hey, dude, you're fucking 60. Get it together. You know? Dude. Oh, dude, I're fucking 60. Get it together.

You know? Dude. Oh, dude, I love it, man. I fucking love life. You know, you got this 22-year-old that's like, you know, you got one apple that's red. You know, apple, when you look at it, an apple is red. I mean, some apples is green. But you're looking at this apple red and somebody come up to you and they're like, that apple is not red.

And then Snoop Dogg's like, I'm a dog. Don't come for the dog. Don't come for the dog. Y'all looking for a cat. Go get a cat because I'm the dog. I got four legs. I got instead of where my arms are, I got paws and legs. Fuck with the dog.

Fuck with the dog. Nothing nice. Nothing nice. Bitch. Cool. Tourette's. Rat boy. with the dog. Nothing nice. Nothing nice. Bitch. Cool. Tourette's. Rat boy. Rat boy again.

He closed her with the rat boy. Oh, and then fucking pans up for no reason. Oh, God. I would love if somebody, if like a troll, like Tekashi69 or these guys who are trolls. Well, not even trolls. Guys who are famous for kind of doing, well, I guess he makes music. I can't say he does nothing. But like guys who are trolls, like guys who just want attention so bad, we'll say. Like Tekashi69 uh donald trump

me no like uh like these guys that fucking just are crying for attention you know the the chicks on fucking instagram or even worse the dudes on Instagram that are like you know kicking back if just nobody ever paid attention like if some guy was a model you know the male model like is a chair he's a fucking just a chair right modeling is for chicks if you got a dude there you're a fucking prop

you're the fucking chair for the girl to sit on it doesn't matter okay yeah your bone structure is nice but you're really just a fucking chair that guy that if he like for a guy to win to for him to join instagram and then have him just be like like zero people fall like a zero followers or if like donald trump tweeted some fucking crazy fantastic shit and nobody said shit about it or takashi 69 came out of jail and nobody was like that rap motherfucker i'm gonna kill him if nobody gave a shit that would be so detrimental

to that motherfucker but we can't we can't not look at it we have to look at it because that's a fucking train wreck that's happening you rubberneck you're like huh you gotta look at it it's like when the apple is red you know it's just such a fucking it's a bummer oh it's so fucking funny man uh i fucking uh god i was watching this uh show married at first sight it's on netflix i don't know if it's a netflix original or what but it's a show where these guys these guys and girls meet in a fucking meet with these like people who are what what are they like they're like hitch like what's will smith that thing he's like where he tries to get people like soulmates and shit.

And they agree. These people, these men and women who go to the – who do the show, they go into like this room. There's like 40 of them. And they – the people, the hosts of the TV show interview everyone and then find four of them matches, like the four men. They choose four men and then match them with four women that they've interviewed. And then so they ask them everything. They're like, what race would you want to be with?

And the people are straight up just like white dudes, just like, I want the girl to be white. And they asked some black dude, would you like to be, what kind of religion? He was like, Christian. And they're like, well, so what about Jewish? No, not Jewish. Okay, what about Mormon? That's kind of Christian. They believe in Jesus.

No, Christian. Like, just hardcore, you know, there's's a virgin a girl that's 27 and a virgin and they just ask and they're like well we're gonna pair you and they get somebody to pair them up with and then in two weeks they say okay you're gonna be married to this you're gonna we found you that we found you a soulmate which is like absolutely fucking insane course do you know what i mean and um but but but they they're like so they go so here's the thing if i was in that show first of all any guy that would go on that show is just uh it's It's just you're not. You're not good.

You know what I mean. You don't get it. Because just don't do that. I get why a girl would be on that show. Because girls want it so bad. You know what I mean. They just want that fucking life. And the family and shit.

They want it so bad. But the guys who do that show. Are they. I don't understand what's going on in their head. I mean, there's like 27-year-old guys. There's one guy that's a basketball player that's 6'9", and he's like a good-looking dude, and he's like, I'm going to go on gonna go on this and they blindly say okay I'll marry a person that you the TV show host the matchmaker says I'll marry so then they like

they interview them and they go and they talk to each other the host and they're like well this person would match with this person this would match with this person and they walk to the fuck and then they go to the guy and they're like hey guess what we've got somebody for you to marry and then the guy goes they're like, Hey, guess what? We've got somebody for you to marry. And then the guy goes like this. Oh, no way. Oh, I'm going to get married. Hey guy, I got the only thing that you could say to that is,

how are you happy about that? You don't know who she is and you don't know what she looks like. What if all of a sudden she's like, you're hanging out and everything's all good and shit. And then she's all like, yeah, that's cool. But you know, fuck Jews.

You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't ask him about, you didn't, you didn't fucking ask him about that. You didn't interview about that. So how do you feel about Jews? You know, that's just so insane to me that a guy in his twenties, any guy in their twenties would do, uh, married at first sight. And then they get married. I didn't watch the end of it, obviously, cause sucks. But like, dude, they get married i didn't watch the end of it obviously because sucks but like dude they get married in two weeks and they call their parents are like mom dad guess what i'm getting married and the parents are like what they're like yep and i'm gonna meet them when you

do and the dad's like okay well you know you're okay i don't know but you are you crazy but that's okay are you kidding me dude if i had a fucking kid that wanted to be on maritim first sight i go like this hey oh dude enjoy your life enjoy your fucking life do you know why i failed and not only is this the last time i'm gonna see you it's last time you're gonna see me too because i'm jumping off bridge because i failed I failed in the most important thing. That's so insane. Dude, one girl came up and they're like, guess what? We found you a husband. And the girl goes like this. Oh, she starts crying. Hey, bitch, it's not real. Hey, dude, this is as close to nothing as you can get. It's literally as close to nothing as you can get.

It didn't happen. Nothing happened. All that happened was somebody that knows you met somebody else. That's all that happened. Somebody that knows you met somebody. That's like me meeting fucking renee and saying hey i meant renee that's cool man you're a good guy uh oh fuck hey what's what's up oh kate oh cool hey kate kate you'd like my friend renee i'm gonna go tell renee that you like it hey renee kate would like you and kate yeah oh okay Oh, okay. You guys want to get married? Hey, man, no. Are you out of your fucking mind? But this show is like, okay, but they're going to get married.

All that happened was it's just so fucked. And people are watching this shit. These people are watching this shit. Married at first sight couples some and and some of it works that's the most the four people have had like marriages that have lasted and are now together and have kids, dude. Imagine you were a baby from a fucking, you know, mom and dad met each other at the wedding. What? Mom and dad met each other at the wedding. What do you mean?

Surely you knew each other and dated for a while. No, no, no, no, no, no. We met. We met at the wedding. Oh, you guys are pieces of shit you guys did it wrong look at this shit married at first sight star jason carion is engaged after february yeah no shit they They split. Married at first sight, dude. Wow.

This guy, there's a virgin on the show. Imagine you didn't know, you didn't know what you signed up for. There's a virgin on the show. Like we found a match and then you say, okay, here she is.

And then like during the honeymoon, she's like, I'm a virgin. I'm like, oh, fuck. Insane. Matt at first sight. Whoops. M-A-F-S. Matt at first sight.

I got to do ads here. At Connie and Jonathan's, emotions are running high as they prepare to say their final goodbyes before heading home. This guy spelled Jonathan, J-O-N-E-T-H-E-N. Jonathan. No wonder he's fucking looking for a wife. You spell it how?

You're actually leaving me? Yeah. This is it, eh? It's a bittersweet living thing. You know, I didn't think this day would come that we'd be at the very end. You didn't? Just to think, like, you know, how much we've done together. From the good times to the bad times,

like, reflecting on the whole thing kind of gets me a little choked up. It's all the big day. I'm happy I went through this experience with connie i couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else it doesn't feel real i i mean they're splitting up and he's like i was gonna come couldn't have even believed this day was coming never thought it would come you didn't dude john nathan oh you didn't think that day would come? You idiot. Um.

Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer or the end of the school year. Celebration cookies celebrate good times. All right. And I good times. Alright. And I got two more later. Dude, I got on TikTok. Your boy got on TikTok. I've been on TikTok, but I'm going full cylinders on TikTok. I make killer TikToks, dude.

TikTok's fucked, man. I know I've talked about this before, but I realized I realized I did a TikTok recently about I found out this new thing that TikTok is. This new thing about TikTok is there's a POV section where these people act to the camera. And they have music playing, and they're acting like they met a girl. a music they have music playing and they're acting like they met a girl and then like something and then like the girl says they'll go out with him and then the guy smiles all cute and shit but guys do this shit and i didn't understand quite really what was happening um with this

tiktok shit i didn't understand like um this tiktok shit i didn't understand like um i didn't understand who was like watching this shit like it'll play this shit like this guy does this guy what's his name devin k hurley is one of my favorites he'll he'll do um he'd do only pov uh ones and it'll say it'll be like part it'll be like 12 parts and it'll be like him meeting a girl they're all 15 seconds long like this is part 10 she comes over to see if my brother's home no is your brother home no he's not and he's just going no he should be coming home soon over to see if my brother's home. No, is your brother home? No, he's not. And he's just going, no, he should be coming home soon.

I'll wait for him. That's it. That's all that happens. She walks in. It says it's a guy's face. She walks in. Is your brother home? And then he goes and it says, no, she's not. You have to read it. And then he should be coming home. And then he goes, and it says, no, she's not. You have to read it. And then he should be coming home.

And then she says, I'll wait for him. And it's only a picture of this guy's face. And I'm like 40, like, okay. You know what I mean? I'm like 40 and I'm like, okay. But then I'm like, why is this a good thing? And why is this part 10? And then it goes up to, there's part 12.

You decide to stay over it. And when you wake up, you see me getting ready for the day. This one's two seconds. And this has 189,000 views. And he just puts on his shirt and he just goes, why is 189,000 people watching this? Why is 100 people watching? Why am I watching it?

And I'm like, who is watching this shit? And then I look at the comments and I get it. shit and then i look at the comments and i get it some somebody comments this guy the owner of the account says tag a friend all right somebody writes okay but imagine actually actually waking up to that i'd be dead somebody else comments uh-oh Somebody else comments, uh-oh. Somebody writes, I'm kind of loving these POVs. Keep it up.

And then he responds, good. Oh, God. It's weird, dude. People get... People are like, ha, ha, ha. This is the one that's low-key blushing a little right now. But I realize these people who are commenting they're five like they're for real learning to type i i just imagined that people my age were watching this shit because I'm my age. Therefore, everybody's my age because I'm conceited or whatever the fuck.

Self-centered. And I realized that everyone was five. When I posted mine, I wrote me when I meet my boyfriend and tell him I love him. And then he fucking dies. And I put it to this song. And then I wrote, I write, I love you, I say. It says, it reads. And then I say, oh, you love me too?

Nice. And then I go a crazy look and I say, oh shit, you fell off a cliff. And I grab for him. That's my POV. And I did that for me so I could laugh at it. And some people are like,

relatable, this happened to my dad sending prayers your way. Of course, they're joking. More POVs, this is your calling a joke, obviously obviously then people are commenting on other shit i can't look at you the same after you the show of course because i played chalm molester somebody wrote no fafty no please fafty no which is a reference to this podcast

and then somebody writes something like man this is actually really sad. And I'm like, oh, I'm like, but what now? Oh, man, this is actually really sad. No, it's not. First of all, you don't meet somebody and right away say I love you and then they fall off a cliff. How is that sad? And it's because you're five and that's when i realized that this tiktok shit so i got on tiktok because man motherfucking jessica alba and like 50 cent are on tiktok i don't know if 50 cent is and shit but like people are loving tiktok

it's so funny that like J-Lo's on TikTok. But man, some of these are so... I followed this one account, POV. What is it, POV? They're just great. Look, what? I what? Hype? Oh yeah, yeah hype house is what it is these dudes who do it I accidentally walk in while

you're changing at a party I mean this will never happen. This guy walks in. This guy walks in. Hey, oh, sorry. I walked in on you. And he goes to walk away. And then it goes, hey, wait, stay.

Yeah, really? Okay, cool. And they all have that fucking hair, dude, that's like so coiffed over their fucking eyes, you know? Just looks like a big-ass duck's tail. Ah, fucking fuck, you know? Just looks like a big-ass duck's tail. Ah, fucking fuck, dude. If my kid grows up to do some fucking shit like that, and has that big-ass duck

fucking asshole front of the head with his fucking duck-ass coif, dude, I go like this, cut it, or you're not leaving, dude. When dad gets mad at your hair and says you can't leave unless you cut it. And then these fucking chicks who are 11 or, you know, fucking 16. And they're just trying to act like they're on TikTok for fun.

But they're really trying to be sexy and they're way too old for they're way too young to be fucking doing this shit. And then creeps like 50 year old men are watching them god damn it what's the one that fucking the cartoon character one was good too the tiktok the cartoon character one there were like

if I was a cartoon character what would I be what if I was a cartoon character, what would I be? What if I was a cartoon character? Look, every day. Who's this? Jess M. Clement. Summer camp. At least this girl's got clothes on. She's cool.

But there's chicks that are just like, it'll be like going skiing outfit. And it's just like a chick with silver dollars over her nipples and earmuffs. And you're like, oh, yeah. Going skiing on a fucking mountain of bukkake. Dude, I used to have a fucking Japanese-Spanish teacher in high school. And he would... And his name was Mr. Takeme, dude. Okay, muchachos.

Okay, muchachos. He would always say that. Okay, muchachos. Okay. Tira de ovine. Abran la puerta. Muchachos. Tiktok fucking sucks, dude. I got to get on. I got to get on there more.

I'm going to do another one tonight. Dude, I'm going to do that. I'm going to have the illest TikTok. Dude, there's people who have fucking 30 million followers and shit on TikTok. I'm 40, man. I should be fucking 20. I should be 20. I should start being 20. I should be 20. I should start being 20.

I'm 20. I identify as a 20-year-old. Fuck you, dude. But yeah, man. I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with the youth. I want to know what's going on. Every generation is like, ah, the youth. What's going on with the youth?

But this TikTok thing, now it's even more apparent. It's more apparent than ever because of the internet. I mean, dude, this girl did a TikTok that was like, I get pulled over with my black boyfriend, and then he gets shot because he's black. But I don't know where it is. You know it? You know it. I'm going to play it. He's going to send it to me. One Fire is going to send it to me in the notes. But yeah, it was a POV one and it was the most thing of all time. This is actually a very interesting thing to talk about now.

Because this is something that I first saw. And I'm going to play it for you guys. And this is something I first saw. And when I first saw it, I thought, oh, everything is fucked. There's nothing. I thought it was the worst thing I ever saw online ever in my life. Like ever in my life. I never saw a worse thing on my life.

Do you have it? Are you getting it? I texted it to you guys. Oh, it's probably on the link. I texted it to you guys. No, but it's way back, he's saying, and I'm pissed.

One fire. At the ready. At the ready. I'm finding it. It is way back. We text so much like fucking fools but let me find it there's my tiktok that i did that was beautiful where is it is it this far back come on dude all right here we are we thought we got it we took it took a small break to find that and now i got it this This is they posted it. The Vibe, formerly known as Julian, posted it on Twitter, although it's not his original video.

It's his girl. I'm going to actually leave her name out of it. Oh, wait, no. It was on POV Hype House. Never mind, which is the best on TikTok. But this chick posted it. It says, me and my boyfriend, in parentheses, who's black, get pulled over. He goes to touch my face after I tell him that I love him.

Then the police officer shoots him. So she plays this. And then she goes, oh, my God, like he gets shot. What the fuck like that? Now, at first, when I saw this, I thought this i thought oh man this is horrible and then i found a video of this girl who's like an apology video and she's like i just want everyone to know that um i mean it's like she's like 12 and it's like the cutest thing she's just like i'm really sorry i didn't mean to offend anyone and i'm like this poor fucking girl like she doesn't know

dude let me tell you something man i didn't know i wasn't mature until 30 fucking 15 until i was 30 15 okay for real though until i was like early 30s i would do dumb as fuck shit this girl's like 14 doing this and of course i couldn't tell because i was just watching it nobody looks 14 anymore that those days are well are long gone you ever see a fucking 14 year old she looks 30 i've never seen there's no such thing as a 14 year old girl anymore they go from like 6 to 25 and this girl she apologized and I was

like my heart broke for her because everyone is like on Twitter piling on if a white are you really out there people are fucking it's just i hate tiktok uh this made me laugh what oh god everyone's i will never catch you'll never catch me with a white girl.

You know, this kind of shit. Anyway, they dragged her. I can't find them, but they dragged her. But this chick was 12. And so I saw this apology video and I was like, Oh fuck.

I jumped to a conclusion thinking like this is idiot. And like, it's my bad because this girl's fucking however old she is. She was like, I'm so sorry. I had just read a book and I was trying to be socially aware and I didn't realize that I wasn't trying to do it for a following. I was trying to do it to like get the

awareness out there and i realized how it looked now like this girl is like legitimately learning this lesson for the first time on a grand scale and that's sad and i and and and i feel for this fucking child because she gets piled on now granted it's like i saw a tweet the other day person gets canceled because something that they said when they were 16 it's like i saw a tweet the other day person gets canceled because something that they said when they were 16 it's like dude i was 32 saying dumb shit for real i mean dude if you go and look at old videos of shit of people that would get canceled i was just looking at an interview from Peter Sellers. One of my favorite actors ever.

And there was like, he was doing like a what was he doing like a a Chinese the hell is it? Voice. Would have been fucking cancelled. If he did that, Will Smith just came on all of a sudden.

Here it is. Peter Sellers. Oh, Will Smith just came on all of a sudden. Here it is. Peter Sellers. I'd love to hear an old actor's story. Oh, I'd love to hear an old actor's story. I'll have a large Remy Martin call back for the Remy Martin. From contamination by flies and other pests. With a few chops and they'll deburr or something like that. This small check I have here by cashing this.

I'm sorry, sir. You see, I'm not the owner here, but there is laundry at the end Many years I spent in your fine country in Repertory in Singapore. I remember yes, my name is Warrington Minge Entitled tomorrow's new yesterday, and I was wondering whether you could blage me I am appearing in a new play at the Theatre Royal entitled Tomorrow's New Yesterday. And I was wondering whether you could oblige me by... ...cashing this small check. He said, oh, sorry, sir. We're not cash check patheticals.

He said, then would you mind pressing the bloody thing? Sir, racist. And so sorry, he. I'm so sorry. He's doing like that shit. He's doing a typical Asian thing. And if like somebody did that now, if Will Smith was just like, hey, man, I was in the drug thing today and I saw an Asian guy and he was like, how do I get this? How do I get this thing?

He'd be like, all right, that's it, Will Smith. Sigh the fuck, Nora. Anyway, Peter Sellers is cancelled and it's fine because he's dead dude cancel me when I'm dead dude I got a tummy ache it's fine I have a stomach ache because I keep eating scones dude I delivered fucking cookies to Hilary Duff.

There's your part two on that. I delivered cookies to Hilary Duff, delivered scones, got her son a book about sharks, and got her daughter another thing I can't remember. Cookie monster stuff. Because that's what I am. Because their neighbor is a fucking cookie monster because he ate their cookies. And I gave it to him and I dropped him off. And I didn want to do it i mean i did want to do it but i didn't want to personally drop it off i wanted someone else to do it and my girl was like just drop it off and yourself and i was like fine and i got there and when i got there i haven't met her

husband yet i got there and i was blocking their driveway and I was going to just drop it off in front of the thing. And the husband pulls in. I was like, oh, hey, sorry, you're blocked. I'm sure you're heard, but I ate your cookies. I said, and he was like, yeah, I get it. Yeah, it's all good. I was like, so I'm just dropping this off for anyway. And then she walks up with her daughter.

They were on a walk. And I was like, oh, you're all here. Okay. And in my head, I'm like that fucking asshole my girl made me do this shit i was gonna not wear a shirt dude i was gonna not wear a shirt i was gonna go do it and not wear a shirt i was gonna be like i'm just gonna drop this off real quick no shit who gives a fuck i didn't have a shirt on to quarantine imagine the asshole fucking 40 year old hey guys here's cookies and a shark book here here the daughter was there mommy was uh with that man that's an asshole come on jesus christ they ate the scones they're fucking warm dude i'll make you warm scones. They're fucking warm, dude. I'll make you warm scones, man.

Anyway, dude, my mail, if you get it, it's your mail. That's the fucking moral of the story. And I have a stomachache now, and I'm pretty sure it's because of the fucking scones. I ate a scone. We didn't give them all the scones because that would have been bullshit, dude. If I'm making scones, I'm eating some of them.

I have a stomachache now because of the fucking scones. So if you have a stomachache, I'm making scones i'm eating some of them i have a stomach ache now because the fucking scones so if you have a stomach ache i'm sorry hillary duff anyway i got your son a shark book um dude we got uh uh we raised six fifteen thousand dollars for feeding america by selling those masks um we We sold those masks, the Life Rips mask and the Silly Goose Time mask and the Future's Too Bright mask. We sold them. All the profits on the masks went to Feeding America and we raised 15,000.

We all, all of us together who bought the masks, we raised $15,000 for Feeding America. And that's awesome. And it feels so good to frigging help. And you guys, that's awesome. And Life Rips. And now for Feeding America, and that's awesome, and it feels so good to frigging help. And you guys, that's awesome. And life rips. And now for Feeding America, life rips. And maybe we were able to feed more of America that wouldn't be fed because fucking life rips, dude.

And that's so dope. Nah, not the – maybe the first one. So that's it. I told you you i've been my restless leg syndrome i gotta catch it dude i gotta catch it when i catch it is the main thing i gotta catch it this is how freaking much of a guy i am i have restless leg syndrome i finally figured out after like six or seven years of having restless legs that the only thing that cures it, and this is not a joke, is having an orgasm. That's the only thing that cures it, okay?

It's the only thing that cures it. Now, I don't want to be talking about this because I don't like talking about jerking off and stuff like that unless it's in my comedy act, okay? Unless I'm making jokes. This isn't a joke. Having an orgasm is the only thing that helps my restless leg syndrome i know my family sometimes listens to this podcast i'm sorry but it's the truth okay now i don't masturbate that much i just don't i don't i never really

have it hasn't been my thing it always feels kind of weird to me nobody's around and i'm just you know but i will say when i have sex and i have an orgasm i'm very quiet but i am really dramatic and loud when i'm by myself masturbating having an orgasm that's when i really pop off oh oh oh yeah that's me by myself all right but when i'm quiet it's like i'm trying to fucking rob a bank like after hours dipping through the lasers so um i found out that one time i at a loss i was like you know my my legs were going nuts and i was like oh fuck it i guess i'll just do this pass some time i did it and then immediately did it again the next night perchance immediately passed out you know this i've talked about this okay now it's become my kind of like my nightly thing but here's the thing okay i don't

want to be jerking off this is how much of a guy i am i'm in bed trying to go to sleep i can't fall asleep and i'm almost asleep but but my legs are buzzing. And I'm like, come on, man, just please fall asleep. I don't want to have to wake up and jerk off like straight up. And then I'm like, I guess I have to because I just can't. I just can't fall asleep. And then when I wake up to do it, I got to get, you know, I want it to be quick. So I'm not going to use my imagination because men are visual. So I start watching porn and I try to do it as quick as possible.

And then I'll do it. And then once I'm done, I'm so tired. And I just started watching porn more. And I'm not even into it. Genuinely. And I'm not even into it genuinely because the things that take me out are the titles of the porns. Like, it got me thinking about it. Oh, it got me thinking about the one last time when I said suck me off the completion like when they all make it grand

you know like every here's what title every porn should be fucking or sucking or riding or eating you know what I mean

why is it eating you know you're not swallowing it you're not chewing it You know what I mean? Gross. Why is it eating? You know? You're not swallowing it. You're not chewing it. So gross, you know? This is the after hours. This is why it's at the end of the podcast. But the way their porn's titled is just so fucking dumb, dude.

All of them. Like this. These are like adults uploading these and making the titles petite teenager gets horny for a big cock you know like a 45 year old wrote that here's another one bodybuilder stud has his way with this petite teen spinner. Sir, fucking disrespectful. Teen spinner. I mean, dude.

Ah, this one. Hot big boobs brunette peed herself after a hot sex and full load cream pie so many different titles in one that's the transformer of titles hot big boobs brunette peed herself transformers hot sex and full load cream pie roll out i was by day i'm a this is my porn hot big boobs brunette peeing transformers roll out hot sex and full load cream pie too many it should just be fucking dude dude big boobs were met peeing herself hot sex full load cream pie oh yeah this is childish here's another one big ass teen big ass teen almost caught fucking at the mall risky public sex dude i love how it's i love how it's so crass and simple but also they'll add a little flavor to like and get descriptive you know what i mean it'll be like

big boobs bitch at a wonderful water park big boobs bitch had a wonderful water park here here's another one here anytime they use interracial it's like what are you what are we scientists curly-haired slut filled up multiple times by interracial dick like get so fucking you know get so fucking what do you call it uh specific and then the cartoon hey who's watching the family guy porn what fucking straight up loser incel is like yeah peter griffin fuck lois yeah yeah as he's busting a nut i don't understand look at this two cocks one mouth blowjob slutty young cheerleader swallowed double cum

got all the keywords there huh god dude anytime they're just so crass when they use the word like drilled not drilled you know Not drilled, you know. The stepbrother, stepson, stepmom shit is just... Oh, here's my favorite one. Wow, look at this one. It's called True Anal. Like that would be fucking on HBO. True Anal, tonight at 8.

What's the fucking... what's that fucking hbo theme theme what's the old one though wasn't that what it was true anal hbo feature presentation true anal followed by basic instinct here we go what is this shit Here we go. Ah! What is this shit?

Oh, they had like a whole thing. I forgot about this. Oh, I forgot about this. They zoom over the city. 1983 opening credits. Boy, they got rid of this shit. Nobody gives a fuck about this. That's hilarious. So long.

Here it is. True anal. True anal. Tonight at 8. Dude. Dude. dude dude bodybuilder stud has his way with this petite teen spinner

tonight at 8 hot big boobs brunette peed herself after a hot sex and full load dude wow man wow that's fucking funny dude wow dude I could do that all

day long wow I'll do more it's my podcast fuck you here we go dude here's more I'm just reading porn titles doing the hbo doing the hbo thing hippie teen caught trespassing fuck security beautiful girlfriend can't swallow enough cum. I mean, so...

Cosplayer, cougar, shonda, fake, fucked by paint and body guy. Milk stepmom seduces teen daughter. Best morning handjob from young hot girlfriend with big cum shot mini boom. Mini boom! Not a boom if it's many booms are big dude wow dude i'll do more fuck you dude my podcast 21 sex. I'll call you later. My step granddaughter needs me. She pulls him back to come inside cream pie Aussie couple. Wow, dude. This is the best the podcast has ever been. Big tits, chubby teen gang bang and DP.

has ever been big tits chubby teen gangbang and dp tonight at eight chinese couples with high physical quality have a sex in swimming oh no dude are you kidding me that's a real one are you fucking shitting me oh my god dude Are you fucking shitting me? Oh my god, dude. It's the best the podcast has ever been. Here we go, dude. Gotta read this one again. Chinese couples with high physical quality have a sex in swimming pool.

Have a sex. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I can do it. Here we go. Here we go. Chinese couples with high physical quality have a sex in swimming pool.

Ex-Chimera, young mistress, passionate sex with her slave. Let's do it. Feeling of A. Rory, school by birth, massage parlor, shave the pussy, cream pie too. Oh, wait, what is this shit oh man I got to the fucking Asian version for some what the fuck is that dude anyway so funny when they do this shit blonde with amazing looks give her feet different what

god damn dude It's so funny when they do this shit. Blonde with amazing looks give her feet different work. What? God damn, dude. Porn is just nose no bounds. Oh, fuck. Young. Jesus Christ, these titles, dude. I'll do fucking more. Hot blonde Nilf Alia sucks fucks and talks like a filthy cum-faced whore.

Young girl satisfied in the truck. Sailor Moon fucked by monsters, then lay egg. Is that Housefly? Wait a minute. What? That's a real one. Sailor Moon fucked by monsters. Then lay egg. Is that house fly? Children exist. Sailor Moon fucked by monsters, then lay egg.

Is that a housefly? Yo, what the fuck is... Oh, this is even older, dude. Whoa, this one's even older, dude. Whoa, this one's even older, dude. This is amazing, dude. All right, dude. I mean, you know, how much longer can we do this? More.

Fucking more, dude. It's my podcast. Fuck you. I'll do more. I'll do more. I'll do more. There's one just called Good Head. Gave up. Cuckold husband watches his wife get fucked by a stranger.

V-Day gift. What the fuck was this? HBO was around in 1912? Jesus, these are old. Lustery submission. 440. Simona and Leo love their way stepdaughter alexa nova shocks her stepdad rodney moore with her ass how exhibitionist girl shows boobs and pussy at the beach multiple orgasm horny milk cowgirl writing bet you wish your girlfriend would do this public agent fucks blonde. Jordan prices massive tits.

Dude. Oh, I almost passed out right there. Reading a bunch of these is the move, dude. Here we go. More. Here we go, more. Here we go, more. And then I'm done. Horny schoolgirl, deep throat, and come-in-mouth POV after college. Vixen, she's always fantasized about having sex with a stranger.

Pantyhose encasement. European escort removed a condom, so I just had to come inside. SBBW. Thick loves fucking BBCO2. Little schoolgirl slut suck after school. Licksonic Barbara and Rosa. Small tits pog April Anderson has anal orgasm. Impossible loser fruit jerk off challenge. Loser fruit, dude. Wow. of a loser fruit jerk off challenge loser fruit dude wow and um never getting a disney movie

but it's all good dude you come to this fucking podcast for the realness dude porn titles read from hbo fucking god damn dude thank god we found that Thank God we found that. Thank God we found that, dude. Dude, cosplay fucking is the weirdest. I just, I want to fuck you as you, dude. I don't want you to be a fucking ginger platt or whatever from the fucking goddamn cartoon. You know? I want you to be you.

I don't want to be having sex with you and you have purple hair. And I'm like, who are you? You know, I want to have sex with you. 4 p.m. All right, I'm done,

dude. Fuck man. Wow. What a good fucking mood. I'm in. All right. Thanks man. Wow, what a good fucking mood I'm in. All right, thanks, guys. Listen, you can text me. Watch my special on Netflix. It's called No Pain.

You can text me or whatever. You can go to my Instagram and then find my shit. You can text me from the homepage. Actually, text me. And you can also follow me on TikTok. I'm 40. And that's it, man. Tweet me good fucking funny porn titles.

All right, you guys. Thanks a lot. Hey, Trash Dog. Hey. Bye, Trash Dog. Bye, everybody. Congratulations. Congratulations. Bye, Trash Dog. Bye, everybody. Okay.