Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 175. Difficult Times

Episode Date: June 4, 2020

Taking a second to share some thoughts on the current situation out there. Plus: David Guetta, Alec Baldwin, and monkeys stealing Coronavirus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Discover more value than ever at Loblaws. Like Fresh Promise. Produce is carefully selected and checked for freshness. And if it's not fresh, it's free. Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh. So you get the best fruits and veggies.

Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies. Celebrate good times. What's up, babies? It's episode 175 of Congratulations. Here we go. It's episode 175, and you know what? I don't know.

I don't know. I straight up don't know. I didn't record Monday because the world was on fire. I didn't record Tuesday because the world was on fire. I don't know if the world's still fucking on fire, but it's Wednesday. So I decided to do it because maybe people want to laugh. I don't know. I just don't know.

I do know that the world is fucked, and it gets worse and worse by the day. Man, I thought COVID was – do you remember COVID? Do you remember coronavirus? Do you remember coronavirus? Shit is getting real. Well, it got real, and it had nothing to do with coronavirus because people are rioting and looting out there. And part of me wants to be like, don't write or loot.

And part of me wants to be like, dude, I fucking get it. I keep thinking of that clip that Tupac said when he's like, you know. Like, you know, well, when you're, it's like opening the door and seeing a party and all the people are in there throwing salamis and they all got food and they're fucking having a party. And I say, hey, can we have some of the food? And then everybody in the fucking party says, oh, we don't have any food. I don't know what you're talking about. And he says, oh, okay.

And then the next day you come by and say, hey, can we please have food? And we're singing. Can we have food? Can we please have food? And you say, oh, we can't. We don't even know what you're talking about. There's no food here. you come back a week later it's not it's singing anymore it's give us some food we want some food and then they're like well

we don't have food we don't know what you're talking about a year later two years later you're gonna be coming in here give me that motherfucking food i keep thinking about that clip because people tried kneeling and people didn't want to hear that there were a lot of drew breezes out there people tried kneeling and that didn't work okay so maybe then we don't need as many windows i don't know what the answer is but i don't know what the answer is that's the thing what i know is i have no fucking idea how much racism is in the world i keep thinking i know and then some other

shit opens my eyes to it i posted a fucking thing three or four days ago two days ago i don't know about black lives matter and i couldn't believe the comments of it i thought maybe i should disable comments on this and i thought i'd have fuck it and i matter. And I couldn't believe the comments that I thought maybe I should disable comments on this and I thought, and I fuck it. And I didn't. And I can't believe the comments under it. I can't believe the fucking racist shit under there. And I can't believe it.

Cause I don't know. Cause I'm a white guy. I don't deal with this shit every day, you know? And I guess that's what they say. That's privilege. But I had no fucking idea, man.

I saw people, all lives matter, man. It's racist to say black lives matter are you fucking kidding me if you think that's racist put on a bunch of fucking put on a vest with a bunch of pockets

and go fucking hiking dude that is insane it's not look I say black lives matter someone says black lives matter and then someone else says all lives oh actually all lives matter and then you know what I say black lives matter someone says black lives matter and then someone else says all lives oh actually all lives matter

and then you know what I say I like bacon as long as we're going to be saying shit that doesn't pertain to the last shit that we said I like fucking bacon also it's the same thing if you say black lives that's the whole fucking point, man. It's the whole fucking point.

And I'm sick of these motherfuckers telling people when they can and when they can't protest. Like Drew Brees. Yeah, but you can't do it during the national anthem because that's fucking, you're disrespecting the flag. When would you like me to protest? Excuse me, can I protest? What the fuck are you talking about, that's not what protesting is, protesting is only protesting if you're doing it when you're not supposed to, you're the little kid staying up at night after fucking your parents told you not to,

you're protesting, you're not protesting if you're sitting at fucking noon watching cartoons after your parents made you fucking lunch. That's not protesting. That's not doing what you're fucking supposed to. Protesting is sitting in front of the TV with the squiggly lines in between the two channels on Skinamax and trying to see a fucking tit for one minute. That is protesting. With your dick in your hand.

That's... Dude. Look, all I'm saying is kneeling wasn't fucking working it wasn't working and i'm not condoning rioting and looting i don't think that that's right i don't think you should be out there breaking windows and shit like that. But what the fuck do I know? I can't imagine how mad. Here's the thing. Everyone should be that mad. You know, if some of us are fucked up,

then we're fucked up. If some of us get fucked up, then we are fucked up if some of us get fucked up then we are fucked up we're not good if some of us are fucked dude if you have a family and one of your kids is going through some shit you're going through some shit as a family it's just amazing the people too it It's hard to keep some friends even. I mean, I see some friends out there posting shit that I'm just like,

really, man? This is what you're going to fucking die on this hill? And it's hard too because you want to be in the position where you're like, you know what? I want people to have their opinions. This is what America is. I want them to fucking be able

to express their opinions and not be canceled because fucking 40 people are getting canceled today remember jimmy fallon nobody even fucking remembers that anymore that was fucking eight hours ago drew breeze now because he said what the fuck uh you know and i completely disagree with drew breeze like i just said protesting is only protesting if you're doing it when you're not supposed to. Hey, Drew Brees, what do you think about black people and Black Lives Matter? Well, I don't think they should be disrespecting the flag. Oh, cool, man. What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

I like bacon. I would love to be that fucking interviewer. Ah, so, okay, so you think nobody should disrespect the flag? Well, did you know something about me? I like bacon. I don't know, man. I don't know. I just, I don't know.

I don't know what it's like to walk down the street as a black guy or a black woman. I don't know, don't know what it's like to walk down the street as a black guy or a black woman i don't know and i won't ever know uh you know i didn't know how i wanted to start this podcast i didn't know if i wanted to be serious or or silly i you know i don't want to fucking try and tell anybody what to do because i hate that shit the fucking black you know the the black square that people were posting i didn't do that uh the the what was it blackout tuesday or whatever god that was to me it was like yeah everyone posted it all of a sudden i look at instagram everything's fucking black it's like i'm blind i don't know what's going on and then i look and i'm like oh

you're supposed to post this in solidarity look who really gives a shit what you're posting on instagram okay i get it i posted a black lives matter thing because i wanted to show my people that follow me that i supported the movement and that's good you know it's not bad um and then everyone started posting this black square and and hashtagging black lives matter and then and people were like you're gonna post a black guy post a black square otherwise you're a fucking piece of shit and then we were like and then everyone was like i don't know and then before i even fucking decided to post a black square now people are like well you fucked up if you post a black square because you put black lives matter and it's clogging the feed and now we don't know what the fuck where to

donate because we can't click the hashtags and see where to donate we can't click the hashtags and see what's going on some cops are shooting at motherfuckers with donate because we can't click the hashtags and see where to donate. We can't click the hashtags and see what's going on. Some cops are shooting at motherfuckers with rubber bullets. We can't see it. We got to click the hashtag and we can't fucking see it. So you fucked up. Post in the black square. Okay, then you know what? Then my post is the Black Lives Matter one. That was the last one I did and that was the one.

These motherfuckers are out here trying to get you canceled, man. Post in the black square. Do it. Do it. Do it. You did it. You fucked up. You fucked up. You fucked up. A lot of it is about complying which is weird as fuck man um like the uh the um there was a fucking clip now and i had it saved and they fucking deleted it where a bunch of white white people were on the ground kneeling um renouncing is that the right word they're um white privileged they were like i promise never to be privileged i promise to do as well as i can and lift up black people and it was like dude hey you white people that's that doesn't absolve you you think it's that easy that's white privilege you fucking morons oh dude let's get together in a park and fucking sing racism over oh no dude i want to protest against that protest

do you don't get to absolve yourself in a fucking afternoon there's 500 years of fucking slavery whatever the fuck it is and you think because you go into a park and you're like i'll lift up black I promise. And then you feel good about yourself. You leave and you're just like, cool. Well, I guess I'm going to heaven. You're doing that for you, motherfucker. And this is where I would be in a fucking audience and people would be like. Because shit is getting real.

Remember coronavirus? because shit is getting real remember coronavirus man unbelievable taboor college was it's so fucking funny that some of these people just feel like they need to post because it's a pr move to bore college to bore college is committed to treating all people with respect because every person on the face of the earth matters to god treating people as if they do not matter misses the mark that jesus set for of us, especially those who are followers of him. We desire to be peace, salt, and light in our world of violence, chaos, and evil. We want to overcome evil with good and bring healing to brokenness.

Our faith in Jesus Christ empowers us to equip men and women to be instruments of peace, justice, and healing. We are taking actions that will help us live out this commitment to Christ, his kingdom, and our society. Eh? So religious. Loaded in religion, dude. Just fucking say, first of all,

there's some evidence about these motherfuckers. Look at this guy tweeted to Tepora College. You threatened every athlete that if they took a knee in peaceful protest, they would be suspended. Okay, so then what side are you on?

Hey, piece of shit. Come on, guys. Just shut the fuck up at this point. You made your bed. Just fucking stay sleeping. It's like that Lea Michele girl, dude. I don't know her at all. I have zero clue even really who she is.

But I found out that she's on Glee. You know, after the fact that Glee was on. And she was talking about, what was the fucking thing leah michelle said on twitter trying to look for it leah michelle um can't find it can't find it one fire he didn't fucking show it to me. Did you add it, dude? Can't find it. Great. Everyone's fired in the world. Can't find it. Fucking yes, dude. How do you spell Michelle? Yes. One L, not how you spell it. Yes. Got it.

She wrote, George Floyd did not deserve this. This was not an isolated incident and it must end. Black Lives Matter. Dude and somebody on Glee took her to town, dude. She writes, this girl's name is Sammy Ware. I guess she was on Glee too. LMAO, remember when you made my first television gig a living hell? Because I'll never forget. I believe you told everyone what if you had the opportunity you would shit in my wig.

Amongst other traumatic microaggressions that made me question a career in Hollywood. Oh, God. And 486,000 likes. Wow. Thousand likes. Wow. Wow. How are you going to go say you're going to shit in black people's wigs and then say Black Lives Matter? Obviously, you don't think that and you're Tabor College personified.

somebody wrote i worked on glee and it was a known fact that leah michelle was a huge b-i-t-c-h i don't say bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch not even a whispered thing on set they outwardly resented her i'm glad others are now aware of this type of person she is so sorry she's tired of you like this i mean i don't know about any of this i kind of heard stuff about her but after the fact so i don't know if i don't know anything about it but that's crazy it's so weird that and that gets and then she lost her fucking sponsorship with happy go lucky or whatever the fuck it is happy feed i don't know what the fuck she did. Some skin care thing that was like called happy fucking go-lucky happy feed or some shit. Or maybe it was good living or eating healthy. Whatever the fuck

it is. Every celebrity's got a thing called fucking good living or eating healthy and they're trying to hawk it with a fucking shoulderless dress. Try new good eating healthy living healthy. Healthy on the go goodness. Try new goodness of the soul i'm leah michelle try new goodness good oats try new scrub free goodness microbiotic

anti antioxidant free antioxidant full scrub scrub it all over your face and then you're a good person. Tired of not scrubbing your face with dirt? No. Dirt scrub for your face. That's fucking everyone is doing that, dude. From what's her name on down. And I know you know what I'm talking about when I say what's her name. It's a girl who played fucking Elektra and married fucking Ben Affleck.

The fuck's her name? Jennifer Garner. Woo! Dude, she's awesome, huh? She's awesome. I saw her on Instagram doing her own laundry. Lifelong fan. Oh, she does her own laundry, though?

Oh! Yeah, man. I love own laundry though yeah man i love you uh jennifer garner you're great i saw you at the airport once and you were doing something cute you were like going it's trying to go to starbucks and then you realize you didn't have enough time to get to your flight and you got out of line and you fucking walked away and we made eye contact and you go like this and I was like what a fucking sweetheart I wanted to be like you make it you make it anyway

Trump huh Trump huh okay a lot of people being saying some tone-deaf shit dude how about logan paula came swinging he what he said was pretty cool that fucking thing people were like people were like they were like that fucking the meme of the white guy blinking what's that fucking shit logan paul says some cool shit dude um and then and then uh and but this was the one that i saw that was amazing this was the one that i saw that was amazing

her name is lauren loves veggies and she is an annoying vegan is that a fucking double is that what do you call it a redundant dude vegans aren't all annoying, but there's a high percentage of annoying fucking people in veganism, of course. And I retweeted it, and this is what she said. This needs to be said. Here we go. Anytime somebody says this needs to be said, guess what? Guess what?

It doesn't need to be said. Okay? That's like being someone who's like, trust me. Horns. Trust me. Trust me. Push. Whoa.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Look what this girl said. I feel like this needs to be said. And I really wish that more people would connect these two dots. But black lives matter. And animal lives matter. Dude, that is absolutely grenade material. What?

Hey, are you 11? Quick question. Did you come out of your mommy eight years ago? What? Hey, don't ever say black people and animals in the same sentence unless you're saying, hey, black people, look out for those animals. Dude, are you out of your mind? Hey, who are you? Who are your parents?

Dude, I'm sorry, but let's just listen to that a little bit. More people would connect these two dots, but black lives matter and animal lives matter. Literally all sentient beings. Oh how about this don't fucking say sentient beings to me don't fucking ever say sentient beings dude what are you a goddamn robot all sentient beings deserve equal rights. From black people to animals to flowers. Sentient beings. If I ever find out what an actual sentient being, I don't know what the umbrella is of sentient beings. If I ever find that out, that's it.

I'm going to jump off a building. I don't want to know. Don't ever fucking tell me what a sentient being is. Deserve a life free from fear free from abuse free from unjust prosecution i just ate chicken by the way no one whether it's a human being especially ones with differently colored skin than yours and animals no one no one including people with different skin and animals no one

no one whether it be a bird or a zebra no one also if it's not their time to die, they don't deserve to die. If it's not their time to die. Stop killing black people and stop killing animals.

Oh, she doubled down and said it again. Maybe she was hoping that since the first time she got canceled, the second one would uncancel her. Veganism, Black Lives Matter movement, it's all the same. Oops. Fight. Oops. Oops. All of it.

And it's important. Each one of them is so individually important. I really hope that people can start to connect the two. I ate chicken. I ate chicken, dude.

I ate chicken and bacon today. ate chicken dude i ate chicken and bacon today oh shit my friend just fucking tweeted under her this is gross and tone deaf and trash be better think better read other books stop this whoa dude read other books is a good fucking wow man hey read other books is a good fucking, wow, man. Hey, read other books. Spin move and you're out. Jumping through a window. Wow, that's amazing, dude. How'd you blow my, having sex with a chick.

Wow, how'd you blow my back out that hard read other books sunglasses on freeze frame as you jump out the window um anyway i cannot how can you compare wow well your you're six. So it's all good. But that shit was unbelievable. There's some fucking crazy motherfuckers out there doing it. Just burying themselves. Drew Brees. God, I love the people getting checked, too.

There's another tweet from Nancy French. Nashville is being destroyed right now. Every brick I saw was thrown without exception. It was thrown by white people. The man was yelling at these white people who had put horse excrement on a cop car and broke out their windows. He said, they'll blame us. This dude.

I can't do that shit. But you, you ass, can walk the fuck away. This big ass motherfucker came up to this little there was another one where the mom was fucking grabbing her son and bringing her she was like you get home motherfucker you ain't doing this shit you ain't looting and rioting and she was fucking smacking her kid she's fucking bitching out like walk dude i don't know what was the fucking uh other one there was another one i was seeing i don't know i got nervous that i wasn't recording anymore but it is right it's red

oh i saw jr what's the fucking basketball player jr smith he fucking beat the shit out of that kid That broke his window in his car And then I saw J.R. Smith fucking walking down the street The other day like my life is a movie dude I was like oh that's that motherfucker And he goes like this And I go like this We gave each other that we're both famous not

What We gave each other that we're both equally famous not What What do gave each other that we're both equally famous nod. What? What? What? What? What? What is that? What is that?

Dude. Hell yeah. When JR fucking what's his name? Smith gives you the fucking nod. You go like this. Hell yeah.

That's dope what's his name drove by me the other day the fucking guy from uh fallout boy pete wentz just like hey man there's a fire somewhere and i was like oh yeah this was before this was before the fucking riots and shit it's like hey man there's a fire man and i was like, oh, yeah, this was before. This was before the fucking riots and shit. He's like, hey, man, there's a fireman. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, what's up? How's it going? He's like, yeah, but it's pretty far.

I think we're safe. I was like, oh, cool. And I go like this. I'm Chris. He says, yeah, I'm Pete. I said, no, no, no, I know who you are. And he goes, yeah, man. And he drove away.

We both gave each other the fucking we're both equally famous nod. Dude. we both gave each other the fucking we're both equally famous nod dude sometimes you try to give a fucking another famous guy the famous nod and he doesn't know who the fuck you are though and then it's not so much fucking it's more fucking oh so yeah and that sucks dude but it's all good it keeps you in check you know we're all humble you know we were fucking humble we are fucking humble people we're not that humble but um so yeah man i watched that fucking jeffrey epstein documentary dude first of all i said this shit about pizzagate a long time ago about how i didn't think that was it was a thing and i didn't think about fucking how there were there were no pedophile rings in Hollywood.

And then people were like, well, what about Jeffrey Epstein, man? It's pretty good case closed about the Jeffrey Epstein. And I'm like, yeah, dude. Jeffrey Epstein wasn't in Hollywood, man. Jeffrey Epstein was a billionaire because he like fucking moved people's monies around and bought businesses and shit. And of course, some people in Hollywood are bad just because fucking some people are bad. You know? I was like, I fucking did the thing about pizza cake.

People were like, well, that's because obviously Chris has something to hide. He's a pedo. Well, he's obviously fucking got something to hide. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him fucking look left. Look at him look left when he said it. That's something somebody does when they're a fucking liar

and um but i saw the jeffrey epstein thing and man that dude looks a little bit fucking i mean that dude is a sociopath but the fucking documentary on netflix it was called like the epstein fucking files or whatever the fuck it's called. Epstein Pure Money or some shit. It was called Epstein Healthy On The Go is what it was. Epstein fucking Facial Scrub and On The Go. Fucking Green Good For The Earth Go. Directed by Lea Michele.

Directed by Lea Michele Geller. And um and uh and dude and he fucking molested so many women and girls. And it's so fucked up. And, dude, the guy just didn't. At the end of the fucking documentary, and this is all, you can't ruin a documentary.

I'm not ruining the documentary. At the end of the thing, he was like, he moved his money around so the victims couldn't be paid. Like, this guy was such a piece of shit. And then he killed himself. That's the other thing, too, that I disagree with a piece of shit and then he killed himself that's the other thing too that i disagree with a lot of people on what people are like well he killed himself he didn't get to live out his sentence and that sucks he escaped the pain dude fuck that you know how probably painful killing yourself is probably hurts a lot dude but also he didn't kill himself dude the cameras didn't work and the cops were sleeping the guards and epstein hung himself by the way he didn't even

fucking i don't even think he jumped off something i think i think he just like tried to sit down really quickly and fucking hang himself and broke his neck doing it and the coroner or whatever the fuck they call him the forensics medical guy was like um no this has never happened this is extremely rare and that means it didn't fucking happen. Dude. Epstein got choked, dude. So guy walks into the fucking thing, paid a guard. What?

A million, 3 million, $4 million. These motherfuckers are billionaires that were fucking jerking off on a massage table with high school girls. You, you wouldn't fucking cover it up for $10 million. That were fucking jerking off. On a massage table. With high school girls. You wouldn't fucking cover it up for 10 million dollars. If you got 95 billion dollars. Of course you would. So they pay the bill.

They go. Hey guard. Just so you know. I'm going to let the fucking. I'm going to change your life. You're going to be driving around. In whatever the fuck foreign shits you want. Your houses are going to have many doors.

You're going to have a pool. And you might even have two. Just let me get into that motherfucker. And choke please and they go like this okay don't tell anybody and the guy says why would i tell anybody if i tell anybody then i gotta go to jail too and then they both fucking jumped like the toyota commercials that they go i love they jump and they slap hands and they were freeze frame with their fucking legs up i love what you do for me, Toyota. That's what happens. And then fucking he goes, I'll be right back.

And then goes, kink, opens the thing and goes, tiptoes near fucking Jeffrey Epstein and goes like this, remember me? And then fucking chokes him so hard that he broke his neck, man. That's obviously what happened. And I'm no conspiracy theorist, dude. I don't believe in any conspiracies. Motherfucker, I'll cause him to raise her or whatever the fuck they say. It's probably what the fuck you think it is. But this shit, this Jeffrey Epstein motherfucker, somebody murdered this guy.

And dude, I'm a detective, man. I walk into the fucking Epstein thing and i go like this well he fucking he sat down into a fucking noose hmm something seems fishy wow hmm and you guys already think you know what happens you think he fucking killed himself hmm jeffrey epstein killed himself i don't know a little too premature a little too premature of a fucking decision for my liking and then put on sunglasses and leave dude out the window man that epstein was trash huh there's other motherfuckers too and the fucking documentary never told us who it was they just

showed pictures they said one thing about the fucking prince guy and then one thing about fucking uh uh uh bill clinton and then And then one thing about fucking Bill Clinton. And then they showed one picture of fucking Chris Tucker. And I'm like, oh, who did it? I want to know the other people that were in it. Jerking off on massage tables with fucking high school kids. I want to know about these motherfuckers. Dude, the whole thing ended and it was like, and we all looked at each other and we were like, what the fuck, man?

We don't get to know who else did it? Expose these motherfuckers. All they said so many different times. They were like, oh, well, we don't know. Well, yeah, there were tons of other high-profile people that tried to – that fucked me when I was 14. And then they would like show people on a plane and you'd be like, oh, yeah, there's Kevin Spacey. But did he do it? But say it.

But did he do it? But say it. Oh, there's a picture of Chris Tucker. But did he do it? Say it.. But did he do it? But say it. Oh, there's a picture of Chris Tucker, but did he do it? Say it. Bill Clinton, did he do it? Say it. Oh, he was on the island? Oh, he said he wasn't, but he was on the island 26 times. Okay, but did he do it? Say it. Because you're saying Jeffrey Epstein did it?

Tell us, man. That's why I'm watching the documentary. I'm here for the juicy bits. I want to know, dude. I want to know if Chris Tucker was like, Oh, yeah. I'm going to eat your pussy. Soft

color. When's your fit period? I got to eat your pussy real quick. Goddamn, this pussy good. The worst impression of all time. Towelie. Why is my Chris Tucker impression towelie, dude? Goddamn, this pussy good.

I want to do it. If they had one scene where it's like, and then Chris Tucker went like this. Goddamn, your pussy good. I would have been like, okay, worth it. The four episodes, worth it. You know how many fucking pictures of the fucking house they showed in the Jeffrey Epstein documentary shits? So many pictures of a tracking shot of his fucking West Palm Beach house.

I don't give a fuck about that. Show me more pictures in the plane. You hinted at Bill Clinton. You hinted at fucking Kevin Spacey. Yeah, you said fucking the Prince dude did it, the Andrew Prince guy. And you show one picture of Chris Tucker and you think that suffices?

Show me more pics. Show me more people. Who did it? Hey, chicks, who are women now? Who did it? Let me know. Dude, I would be that guy, man. I am a tattletale.

Fuck yeah, dude. That's why I respect that 6ix9ine Kerplanchy guy. Because he was just like, oh shit, I'm caught. Well, they were like, well, if you tell us. And he was like, stop right there. It was Dave. And they were like, okay, well, you're free. Cool, I'll be rich now.

Hell yeah, I snitched. Oh, hell yeah, I snitched, dude. Man, I think about that how many bacons thing so many times. I know I've told you guys about that, but when I was in a fucking place called Bergie's in La Cunada, I would go and I would get the tuna melt and I would say, hey, can I get bacon on it? And the guy would always say, sure, how many bacons? And I think about that every two months. How many bacons?

And I cook bacon every morning because my girl won't do it. And I make how many bacons? Three or eight? Three or four? Why did I say eight? Oh, cool. Good. Cool.

Got a tumor. All good. That's all good. Dude, somebody call the doctor. I have a tumor. I said eight instead of four, so it's all good. After three, by the way. Oh, so fucking dumb,

dude. Okay, let's do these ads. Time to pay some bills. We've got to do some ads here. We've got to fucking already clicked out of the fucking thing. We had the sponsor page up and we already clicked out of it because I don't have fucking wildfire or I haven't get rid of here because we're trying to keep it fucking free from corrode, even though it's probably a disease that doesn't affect as many as we

thought we did. We're just kind of affects old people and only like one or two kids ever in the world. But it's all good. They scared the shit out of us. The media scared the shit out of us. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security.

Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Summer is like a cocktail. It has to be mixed just right. Start with a handful of great friends. Now add your favorite music.

And then finally add Bacardi rum. Shake it together. And there you have it. The perfect summer mix. Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately. Drink responsibly.

Copyright 2024. Bacardi. It's trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi, do what moves you Live passionately, drink responsibly Copyright 2024 Bacardi, its trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited Rum 40% alcohol by volume Oh, it's the renouncing white privilege thing Okay, I got that note Um, this is it

Is this it? This isn't it. This isn't it. That's not it. Oh, this is it. This is it. This is it. Anti-blackness or violence. Oh, this is it. About racism, anti-blackness or violence. About racism, anti-blackness or violence. I will use my voice in the most uplifting way possible. This is a bunch of white people saying this at once. I will use my voice in the most uplifting way possible. And do everything in my power to educate my community. And do everything in my power to educate my community. I will love my black neighbors the same as my white ones.

I will love my black neighbors the same as my white ones. About racism. That's so creepy. So anyway, I... No, but it's all good, but that's so creepy. So I... Oh, dude, I haven't done fucking King speech in a long time, man. That's so fucking...

That's so fucking creepy. So anyway, just do it. I retweeted that. They took it down now but somebody a black dude under it wrote man i prefer actual racism not gonna lie and i fucking laugh that um how about the fucking girl with the power drill that took the fucking thing hey uh what was the fucking power drill power drill influencer where's that fucking thing uh hey uh where's that fucking power drill influencer thing oh i got it here here we go

here we go so this girl it's an instagram video that this person fucking filmed this girl at first looks like she's helping board up a place which is noble enough and she's not this is what happens she's doing it and then it pans over to her boyfriend taking a picture of her doing it and then she hands the power drill back to a picture of her doing it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. And then she hands the power drill back to the guy who's working. She's like, thank you so much. Thank you for the picture.

Wanted the picture but didn't really want to help. What's wrong with this fucking world? Just so crazy. Like, there's so much wrong with this world. Oh, boy. Wow.

I wonder what's happening next week. Just fucking a bunch of jaguars are going to get let loose. Just, just, where the fuck do these jaguars come from? And then news people are going to, we're out here live in fucking, we're here in Dallas, we're wondering what's going on, cities are just being stricken with jaguars, just jaguars, hungry fucking lean jaguars that haven't eaten in a long time, they're just out here, they have counted 80 in Dallas alone, and 45 people have died We're going to go live to Atlanta. Hi, I'm a girl. I'm a girl and I'm reporting and I wanted to know there's first of all upwards of 110

Jaguars lead hungry frothing at the mouth. Jaguars are just oh my God, my leg. Because let me tell you something, dude. 2020 ain't done, dude. It's fucking June. 2020 is going like this right now. They're getting ready, bro. We hit you with the the fucking it's like the emerald shit coronavirus bam riots looting bam jaguars bam emerald deficit is jaguar hey if you say jaguar fucking

get out of here dude walk the plank if you say jaguar no you ever be friends with a fucking guy for like six years and then hear him say jaguar and you were like well i didn't know oh fuck you're gonna run that by me maybe a little bit sooner than fucking six years you're just gonna throw out jaguar are you i... Do you say croissant too? You fucking cuck. Croissant. Come on, dude. Tortilla.

Kidding about that one. Tortilla. That's how you're supposed to say it. Croissant. Tortilla. Jaguar. One time I was walking in fucking North Carolina, and I asked a security guard, and I said, hey, there was a Starbucks, and it was closed. And I said, oh, man, the Starbucks closed.

Is there any more coffee shop near here? And he says, sure, it's another Starbucks down the block. And I don't not think about that once every three months. It's another starbucks he fucking kept the block secure how about you get a fucking secure of the english language dude hey how about you secure some fucking grammar dude i don't mean to gentle gentle slam one time i had a birthday party for fucking justin mckinnon when i was in new jersey and i did it and i fucking and i went but i there was a sleepover but i didn't want to sleep over

because i would get fucking scared i didn't sleep over my friend's house when i was a kid because i would get scared and i'd have to call my mommy and she would have to come pick me up i was a big pussy and so anyway so i left beforehand but we were watching a basketball game and we were watching michael jordan play and justin mck McKinnon kept on saying Jordan with the slime little kid shit he kept on just going Jordan with the slime and I would always think what the fuck is he doing why is he doing that nobody was laughing or anything he was just doing it for himself he was just like Jordan with the slime and I realized that that dude probably knew some shit that we didn't know man that. That guy was free as fuck, man. I live to be that free, dude. I got this shirt on.

It says fucking casual, I'm sorry, causing hell. And it's got a fucking panther eating a horse. And I just want you to know it's because I'm badass. That's why I'm wearing it. You know, I know a lot of fucking things i say here are a silly goose time but let's drop that for a second i'm wearing this shirt because i'm a fucking badass all right and it's from a clothing company called represent and i really like that company okay i like it so much and it's in britain or something and man i went on the website and i tried to get a t-shirt

and this was the only fucking t-shirt that they had left now it wasn't my favorite but i still like it there's so many other t-shirts there's t-shirts with sharks on them and get a t-shirt. And this was the only fucking t-shirt that they had left. Now it wasn't my favorite. But I still like it. There's so many other t-shirts. There's t-shirts with sharks on them. And there's t-shirts with fucking. Demons on them. And fucking. Dogs and shit.

And I fucking only got this one. And I came. And then I saw another one came out. And it had a truck on it. And I scooped that up. And I signed up to let them know. When they restocked all the other shits all of them like eight different fucking signups and one time I got a text because it said hey he's back in stock so I clicked the shit and I got the fucking shirt with the shark on it I got the shirt the shark on it

shark on it i got the shirt the shark on it i got the shirt with the shark on it jordan with the slime and then i woke up today and i saw at 4 30 a.m they texted me that the fucking demon shirt came in and i couldn't fucking get it because i woke up at nine they were fucking sold out already so i'm like don't be in breton company anyway dude what i'm trying to say is my life's hard it's privileged so i'm out here with no fucking shirt with the demon on it and i'm damn well fucking sure i don't have a shirt with a fucking they had the regular black shirt too I missed out on anyway dude and I fucking even emailed them

sometimes you try to pull some shit I emailed the fucking address I was like hey when you guys getting back in stock I said I love your stuff and then I fucking signed it and they were like oh man fucking sign up so when it gets back I'm like these motherfuckers don't even know who I am man I'm not even trying to get some freebie shit I just want the hookups so I can pay for it cause I'm not even trying to get some freebie shit i just want the hookups so i could pay for it because i'm not in britain anyway

it's whatever dude so i'm a badass because i'm wearing the shirt that says fucking causing hell and i want motherfuckers to know it um dude alec baldwin this shit was hilarious to me this shit made me laugh okay i don't know if it's supposed to make me laugh or not. Maybe it means I'm a bad guy. Except cookies, dude. All of these motherfuckers. Don't call it cookies, man. Except cookies.

Do you accept cookies? We use cookies. All right, dude. Yeah. What am I going to do? This is on justjerry.com. Alec Baldwin responds to criticism for promoting Woody Allen interview on Blackout Tuesday. Alec Baldwin is defending his decision Allen interview on Blackout Tuesday. Alec Baldwin is

defending his decision to post on Blackout Tuesday. The 62-year-old actor took to his Instagram on Tuesday, June 2nd to promote his new interview with Woody Allen on his podcast Here's the Thing. Dude, of all fucking guests, during

Blackout Tuesday, he's going to be like, fuck it, I'm still going gonna post about my podcast of all the guests he picked a guy who married his daughter or whatever the fuck it is i don't even know what it is woody allen's new book april apropos of nothing apple april april fools woody allen's new book april fools aprop of nothing, starts with a portrait of his father, a tough guy, World War I Navy veteran, a one-time squad, a one-time gunman in a firing squad, Alec wrote on Instagram. It's the first of a series of surprising, fascinating stories.

Yada, yada. This is what he said. The interview's on the thing. Then it says, social media users then took to comments to slam Alec for interviewing Woody because of his sexual assault allegations made against him. They also slammed Alec for posting on Blackout Tuesday, which is a movement encouraging social media users to stop posting so they can educate themselves on Black Lives Matter. Alec then fired back, writing, in the course of this podcast, this is the shit that made

me laugh, dude. In the course of this podcast, we have often booked guests that have either requested or required a specific posting date in order to promote a project. We made every effort to honor those requests. Alan is no exception. As for the perceived lack of sensitivity re-Blackout Tuesday,

I had no idea about this national day of whatever. The professional lives of some people cannot be put on hold at the whims of political correctness alec continued i believe alan is innocent and that is my right posting a black screen today or any other day though a decent sentiment is not an effective political stance voting and working to enroll others to vote is more dot dot dot practical this guy dude i love guys over 60 because they're like i'm just gonna ride out the way i've been feeling you know what i mean

they're like hey look i'm 62 this is fucking how it's been for me i get the whole world i know that there's problems i know you're to say I'm a racist. And I shouldn't be fucking putting people with sexual allegations on a pedestal. But you know what? I'm going to ride this one out with the way I've been feeling. Dude. I know Alec to be a nice guy, man. I've only fucking been around him a few times.

I did that game show he does. You know, believe what you want. I think the evidence is pretty fucking insane on Woody Allen. But, hey, man. America, believe what you want. Yeah. Yeah. believe what you want uh yeah the k-pop guys fucking killed the white lives matter hashtag and they just started posting k-pop i thought k-pop was fucking ridiculous and it is and then the white lives matter guys started coming on twitter and then k-pop was like fuck you white lives matter guys and then they just post a picture-pop was like fuck you white lives matter guys

and then they just post a picture of a dancing asian and i'm like cool good on you man you fucking saved the hat you now white white fucking supremacists are going to look at the hashtag and they're gonna have to see fucking 12 year old asian boys dancing that's fucking rat as shit dude you did it uh oh how about the fucking david getta thing let me just tell you something about david getta i don't know david getta at all i bet david getta for some reason is the nicest motherfucker in the world dude when i look at david getta i just think now that guy that guy's probably the nicest motherfucker in the world i imagine for some reason david getta is just think now that guy that guy's probably the nicest motherfucker in the world i imagine for some reason david getta is just a guy that's like to his friend that's like yeah

i've been trying to buy this new car he says you have here's the money for the car i don't care i don't know what kind of accent he has i think he's french i can't do that one but um it's so funny that when a when a when a white guy says a hint of a racist thing, he can be canceled. But when he's foreign, everyone's like, ah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. He's French. David Guetta goes like this. First of all, it's weird that he's DJing because he's DJing to nobody because of COVID. You know, he's on the fucking top of a building.

Dude, you're DJing for nobody. Just do it in a basement somewhere. Why are you going to the top of a building? All right. Why are you doing that? Nicest guy ever. So anyway. World is going through.

Oh, boy. Inspector Clouseau. World is going through difficult times. Inspector fucking Clouseau. The world is going through difficult times. Inspector fucking Clouseau. The world is going through difficult times. So fucking general. Love it. Nicest guy of all time wearing a shirt that John Favreau would wear in swingers.

The world is going through difficult times. And America too, actually. And America too. times and america too actually and america too the world is going through difficult times and america too actually like america is its own planet love it already and america too actually dude when you're trying to be fucking uh uh poignant leave the word actually out of it. Okay? So last night

I knew we were going to do this and I made a special record. So this record is in honor of George Floyd. This record is in honor of George Floyd. This record is in honor of George Floyd. Sounds like he almost messed the name up.

We're going to give it to him, though. And I really hope we can see more unity and more peace when already things are so difficult. Okay, foreign. S is foreign. We'll give it to him though he's french when already things are so difficult so this is where really this is where it really kicks off into fucking high gear dude it's like okay okay okay he's foreign he's struggling with the english language all good kind of odd the whole thing's kind of odd. But then he fucking immediately turns it to fucking Mach 10 after this. So, shout out to his family. Okay.

Oh, shout out to his family. The guy just died, you know? Oh, shit, dude. What happened? Oh, your fucking dad died? Bro, shout out to your family. oh your fucking dad died bro shout out to your family imagine at a funeral

and the most important thing we have to do is receive the shout outs from DJs so far David Guetta has shouted out and other DJs should follow but remember collect those shout outs receive them

and then he and then he drops the, the beat gets really, it starts swelling. Mach 10. Oh, you think, oh, you want to go to Mach 11? You want to go to Mach 11? Shout out to the dead guy's family. You want to go to Mach 11, dude? So even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream. He remixed Martin Luther King Jr. and then did this. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up, live out the true meaning of the dream. I mean, dude, imagine you're in Vegas and this was on and you were like dancing with a chick.

You're like, yeah, I'm going to fuck this chick tonight. Dude, I have a dream. Just a fucking huge boner up against her crotch. Just like... You want another Jack and Coke? What? You want another Jack and Coke? Shout out to his family.

You know, I heard David Guetta is a really fucking nice guy. He'll buy you a car if you want. Bank to bank. You know, I heard David Guetta is a really fucking nice guy. He'll buy you a car if you want. But honestly, this is one of those things where you got to give the motherfucker just, you got to, he's raising money, I think, for this. And it's just, it is funny. And here at the Congratulations Podcast, aka Cult, we'll all be at the log cabin soon sharing ideas.

But this, no knock on david geffen the fuck's his name david getta um but yeah it does definitely seem like something how about the fucking oh dude what i got did you see that the monkeys stole the fucking virus coronavirus shit is getting real monkeys stole it hey uh we got to get rid of monkeys okay like straight up they have hands and they have fucking they like you could be like hey monkey and they'll be like we got to get rid of any kind of animals that have hands. Right? What are they, people?

Do you know what I'm saying? Well, according to that one girl with the TikTok, we're all sentient beings. But, dude, pretty sure we got to get rid of monkeys, dude. Okay? If they can steal a virus that can murder the world, we got to get rid of monkeys. All right? I would go overboard and just say we also got to get rid of the fucking band, The Monkeys, but I think they must be mostly dead yet or 90.

Man, I used to watch the shit out of The Monkeys, dude. Ba-dum. Here we come, walking down the street. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sing that good. It's a good time with everyone we meet. Hey, hey, we're The Monkeys. Didn't mean to sing that well. Dude, I fucking ripped man people say we're monkey around they are saying we're crazy didn't mean to sing that well dude i rock when i sing that song didn't know i could sing that

song that well but we got to get rid of monkeys dude they're gonna be stealing viruses dude it's like that movie fucking Planet of the Apes dude that was legitness it's like that movie Planet of the fucking Apes god damn dude monkeys stole a virus

you think that's fucking fake that's not fake news dude monkey steal virus and they're just chilling there's a picture of a monkey chilling with a vial just like this killing kidding monkey steals covet19 test samples from health worker in india hey dude i have a question why are monkeys remotely close to that hey hey keep your monkeys and viruses far apart and that's obvious a fucking monkey with a vial just chilling in a bar later just like you know what i fucking stole what the coronavirus get the fuck out of here not really look it's right here what why were you even close to the yeah i don't know fucking indians are nuts man they'll put monkeys near the viruses. Near vials. Monkeys shouldn't...

I'm not a fucking monkey. I'll say it. We shouldn't even be near fucking glass. Period. This vial right here, glass, I got it from a fucking Indian guy. Really? What are you going to do with it?

You think I fucking know? I'm a monkey. I might throw it or eat it or fucking try and put it in my ass. I'm a fucking monkey. Who knows what I'm going to do with it? fucking try and put it in my ass. I'm a fucking monkey. Who knows what I'm going to do with it? I shouldn't even be talking right now. Monkeys mobbed an Indian health worker and made off with blood.

Dude, what is this world? Monkeys mobbed an Indian health worker and made off with blood samples from coronavirus tests, prompting fears they could have spread the virus in the local area. After making off with the three samples, they took fucking three, dude. They took one, and then either, this is how this went. One took one, and then, oh, not done yet, took another one, and then he goes, you thought that was it?

And took a third one. Either that happened, or three monkeys took one each. That's fucking, hey, get rid of monkeys. Hey, monkeys, you had your day. Great. Tired of y'all swinging around, stealing vials. You're out, dude. You go, go, go, go.

Either, I'll tell you what, this is it. Either get rid of all the monkeys or dress them up like people and then just have them out because they're either i'm not doing this fucking uh wait hold on there's a monkey out what's the deal here i'm either the monkey's gonna be us or fucking done i'm no i'm talking about kill them all. Kill all the monkeys. There's going to be no fucking gray area here. If a monkey can steal a vial, either murder

all the monkeys or give them fucking driver's licenses. Dude, and I'm not fucking around. Give them all hats and caps and overalls. I don't give a fuck. Clothe them. If they're around naked, then the cops got to take them in for indecent exposure. I'm talking about monkeys are people now. You thought that the fucking coronavirus was fucked?

Monkeys are people. Okay? Dress them up. Put pants on that monkey. Hey, I got three vials. Really? Yeah. Monkey run away with corona test samples. sphera here's a video of it

he's up in the tree with it he's up in the tree with it oh oh how fucking nervous do they sound? Okay. Okay. Oh, the guy fucking did it. Hey, man. The monkey has the vial.

The guy's going to fucking try. i've got it dude imagine ah fuck we need our top line of defense ah shit who we gonna call i got the guy to call and a badass comes in like a jason statham on a fucking motorcycle or in like a fucking mclaren and he pulls up and he pops out he's like i got this and walks up to the monkey and he's like guys stand back fuck even jason stay even the indian jason statham couldn't do it no no no i got it guys stand back fuck there he goes i'm running after him i got him as he's running come here monkey we're either gonna kill you or put pants on you fuck he's got three vials fuck there's two more with two more vials guys

just in different directions there's three of them and one monkey falls for it guys Guys, he's doing the... Guys, I'll be right back. I just want to go see what he wants. Maybe he's got bread or something. No, don't fall for it. No, no, no. It's going to be fine.

It's going to be fine. Get closer. Got him. Get the vial. Oh, fuck. Get away. I knew he didn't have bread. Go.

Running out of a fucking... Running out of a building like it's Fast and the Furious. Jump from one building through a window into another building, slow motion in the air, the monkey's got the vial fucking making it into the window, and fucking the Indian Jason Statham

just follows him out of the fucking air in slow motion just like this. In slow motion I got one of the vials left but there's still fucking 90 minutes left in this movie and we need to get two more dress em up bitch alright babies I think that's it we'll end on that one um you guys

keep it safe out there protesting peacefully is amazing we love it that's what is part of america black lives matter spread the word and uh thanks for listening man we did get a little silly i wasn't sure how this podcast was gonna go because i've been so upset you know uh and the world's going through some weird shit but uh change is needed and um monkeys still fucking the coronavirus so we gotta we gotta make sure that everything is figured out. All right, guys, thanks for listening. And you can text me. My link is on my Instagram page. If you go to my homepage, you can text me and watch my special no pain. Okay, guys, thanks so much. You guys are the best. Bye-bye. Congratulations!

Congratulations! I like bacon.