Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 178. Go Bald and Die

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

On today's episode Chris talks about Love Island, Dogecoin and Depends. He also explains how to cut your own hair, his newfound love of Tom Brady, and what it's like to be Santa Claus. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, this is episode... I don't even know anymore of congratulations. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah dude it's uh uh another episode you know um uh whoops stay on page here i gotta i almost clicked out of the whole fucking thing timing how long i'm supposed to do it because

we're flying by the seat of our pants on this episode i'll tell you but actually i will say this it's not that we're flying by the seat of our pants, but it's that it's, uh, it's fucking 1046 right now doing this. So this is a late night one. So you never know. Sometimes they go off the rails and off the rails, uh, can be a good thing, but it can also be a fucking dangerous thing for me as I've learned in the last few months. Um, anyway, I, uh, I do, you do you know you do you fucking self-reflect man

you do you live life you don't think you stop you fucking think and you figure it out uh if you know it's good for you anyway uh one of the things i fucking figured out is, and check this shit out for real, your boy, and by your boy I mean me, can cut his own fucking hair, and I can do it all the day as long, and I can do it like the Dickens, and I can do it better than the fucking people who cut hair.

Sorry to the people who cut hair. I appreciate you. I enjoyed sitting in your chairs for all of the fucking people who cut hair. Sorry, the people who cut hair. I appreciate you. I enjoyed sitting in your hair, in your chairs for all of the fucking years. I even enjoyed getting my haircut when I was a kid from that guy named Tony that would fucking, my dad would bring him

and ask my dad once while he was cutting the back of my hair, you want a Rick Dale? And my dad said, huh? And he said, you want a rottel and my dad said no and i didn't know what the hell tony was fucking saying and then when i got home i asked dad hey dad what the fuck did that guy say and he said do you want to for me to cut a fucking rat tail in your son's head hey tony no i was eight you want want to retail? And then I rewound it in my head.

You know how you can do that? I rewound it in my head, and I realized he said, you want to retail? Do you want to retail? Dude, do you want to retail? Anyway, dude, I cut my own hair, man, and it is fucking good. And I'm the kind of guy, if I suck at something,

I will tell you, dude. Like, splitting atoms. I can't do that. You know? But I can fucking cut my own hair. Or not being selfish. I'm bad at that. But I'm working on it, dude.

And I'm better now than I was. You know? I'm not doing all the selfish things. I'm fucking trying to live for other people. And I have a fucking son now. So anyway, my point is, I could cut my own hair and it fucking looks banging, dude.

Did you know that? Oh, you do now, man. Because you could see me. And I look, look at when I take this off, dude. Forget it. It gets a little, okay, so here's the thing, though. I cut when i cut it by the way the best thing about cutting your

own hair and this is for the guys because i don't think girls can do that shit i mean that you can do it of course equal opportunity i get it i don't want to get canceled again but my point is that girls shouldn't cut their own hair because girls have a lot of hair and girls hair is like an outfit you know what i mean like girls will be like what kind of hair do i want today and you'll be like oh you can just change like you're a fucking action figure but girls can just cut their shit or no i'm sorry i cut their shit but they could put it up they could put it down they could put it sideways they could do a beehive they could put a little house in it and a bird can land in it they can do whatever the fuck they want and change the whole getup guys pretty much just have standard hair so what you

can do as a guy is just fucking take your time you know what i'm talking about girls bunch up their hair getting done all in fucking well i don't know my fiancee will be like i'm going to get my hair hair done i'm like really why are you bringing a fucking sleeping bag she's like it takes three days you know you're so fucking i girls will wake up at fucking oh dark 30 and go to get their hair cut and come back after fucking dinner time and they're like do you like it and it looks exactly the same you know oh yeah yeah yeah it's good yes it's a little darker right it's blonder uh so i meant blonder right it's blonder and you cut it shorter right yes of course because why but how could you get it longer well you have extensions you have extensions oh okay cool so extensions and blonder great um how about the fact that you can go and sit in a

chair and just make your hair longer too that's that's that's not scientifically possible but girls made it possible and so um so guys you could spread that fucking three hours out you know and i would go get my hair cut they would do it in like 30 minutes or sometimes if i got chatty you know and they they'd like your boy's personality and it would take 50 to 60 minutes, right? With Tony though, it was just get in, cut it, get out, right? You want a rat tail? No, thank you. Here's $16. Bye. Dad, what'd he say? Yes, if you wanted a rat tail. Let's never go back to him again. So um i spread it out dude i do a little fucking snip here and a little snip there dude i do a little snip here little snip there i go top snip side snip snip did i fucking make one side longer than the other i pull it out oh it's a little longer snip

snip i go have a bite come back catch myself in the mirror wait a second do a little backtrack grab the fucking scissors nearby i keep the scissors near every mirror snip snip snip at the end of all of it which is like you know i do this maybe every month and a half and it takes fucking four days to cut hair i look i look really good you know uh from the front you know what i'm talking about i look really good from the front because i realized i i saw talking about? It looked really good from the front because I realized, I saw a picture of me from behind me and the shit just looks like

the back of a fucking skunk's ass because I, dude, it pops. I didn't really, I forgot, not that I forgot to cut the back, but I thought I was getting it, you know?

It's really hard to cut the back of your hair unless you're fucking, you can't hold a mirror and look in the mirror at the other mirror and have the scissors. I thought you could, but who holds the fucking hair? And I won't let Kristen help you can't hold a mirror and look in the mirror at the other mirror and have the scissors i thought you could but who holds the fucking hair and i won't let kristin help because then i didn't do

it myself do you understand what i'm saying so your boy cuts his own hair and this is how it looks and no disrespect to all the people who fucking i sat in your chair but i know my hair better dude you know when you're done fucking if you're a guy cut your own hair i heard george clooney did it probably 20 years ago and i always thought about that and now i'm fucking i swear to god i'm like basically george clooney in that in that area i'm drinking coffee uh at 10 48 at night and i can drink coffee late at night and then conk out. But yeah, it doesn't really affect me. And it's annoying when people say that

because they're always trying to impress you when they say that, but I'm not trying to impress you. What I'm trying to say is if I drink Celsius, Celsius Fit or Celsius Live Fit or Celsius Heat, I'm off the rails.

I'm like Sonic the Hedgehog looking for coins, man. I'm nuts when I do it. I'm nuts. And that's when I work out. I take a Celsius Heat and then I start working out. And dude, my back, when I do it. I'm nuts. And that's when I work out. I take a Celsius heat and then I start working out and do it. My back, when I fucking work my back out and I check myself in the mirror, it looks like I'm just storing Captain America's shield. Ready for battle,

casually. You know, he wears it on the back. I don't know if you know that. He's not always fucking ready for battle, but he's got it on his back. I'm like a turtle. he's fucking ready for battle but he's got it on his back i'm like a turtle um yeah so i cut my own hair and uh and that's just basically how it's going to be now until i die i'll probably lose it you know i thought i was thinning a little bit and then i realized it doesn't matter at all who gives a fucking shit my dad would always say to me when I was a kid, you know, some guys go bald. That's the only thing you have to worry about. Who cares? If you go bald, just you go bald.

And I was like, yeah. And I thought maybe that's not right. And then I realized who gives a fucking shit, man. Just get your family, wife the fuck up, have a few kids and go bald. It's better. Then you don't have to worry about it. That's the only thing a fucking guy has to worry about. Unless you're famous.

But yeah, so I cut my own hair. And I felt a little rusty. I didn't know if I felt rusty or what when I was doing my podcast. You know, every now and then I'll go on a run and I'll forget something and I'll be like, what was I going to talk about? And I wonder if that was me being rusty. Cause I'll tell you what, man, over the past, however many months, I have not felt funny,

dude. You know how to make someone not feel funny? Fucking bash him online. So, so much. You take a thick skin motherfucker that thought he built up some fucking over the bomb years of stand-up when you just bomb and you're like well i'm strong i don't care what people say about me and then you have the whole world saying something about you and you're like okay i was i thought i was strong but instead i'll die instead i'll die i kept thinking fucking every time i would catch something online or my buddy said, oh, I saw this about you or whatever. I had that fucking that meme. Guess I'll die now.

That old guy with the fucking red turtleneck. Guess I'll die. That was me. But yeah, so you just don't feel funny, man. I'm on the group texts trying to fucking do jokes with my buddies. I'm like, nah, that's not working. I don't do i don't i don't do twitter or fucking shit anymore i don't do that i didn't do the podcast so i was just like

let me just do a funny voice note and i was just um i fucked me up and then and then now i feel you know doing my podcast i didn't know if it was rusty or not i heard fucking pilots are crashing because they're not even they don't fly anymore because of the covid shit they're like getting all laid off and not used for months and then they're like yeah oh a job great showing up to the fucking cockpit all drunk didn't think they had to do it mask hanging off their ear i'm ready wrong hat on it's hey where's your pilot's cap? Is that it? It pulls it off. It's a fucking Tampa Bay. It's a fucking Devil Rays hat. Sorry, I got the wrong hat. Anyway, fucking wheels up.

We got wheels up. Wheels up. And they're crashing and doing like all sorts of fucked up shit, man. I don't know, man. I don't know if I would take a flight now i don't i don't want to be going anywhere because i'm scared of a little bit of covid and here's the other thing too man i'm not scared of dying i don't want to get sick dude i'd rather just chill and wait the shit out i don't

want to get sick man people are like oh you're scared of covid bro i don't want the flu. I don't want a cold. I just don't want to feel fucking shitty. Yeah, so my, what happened with my son today? What happened with my son today? Cali's cute. He still won't say ball. I tell him to say ball. He won't say ball. But, you know, he waves at everybody.

I told you that already. But also, he'll give the ball to one of our dogs, one of our shitty dogs. He'll give the ball to one of our shitty dogs, and our dog will be like, is this okay? Like, he's looking at me. Can I take this from the new guy? And Callie's just like, you know he he doesn't even know what he's doing

but he's like this is a thing that you can do in life and they'll hand the ball to the fucking to our one of our shitty dogs and our shitty dog will just be like it's cool it's like the guy who's going for seconds at like a free buffet. He's like, everyone got their stuff, right? It's going to go to waste? Okay. See you later. And then runs off and pisses on the fucking corner of the couch. Our dogs won't

stop pissing on the corner of the couch. Really cool. I'm going to fucking piss on... How about this, dude? I'm going to piss on the corner of the couch to fucking show those dogs that that's my place. Speaking of which, dude, I figured out something, man. This is how fucked up I am. And I don't mean

this in a cute way. And by the way, this is how fucked up I am. And I'm only saying this how fucked up I am because Kristen is like, you're so fucked up. I'm not fucked up. I think I'm not fucked up because of this ever since I turned 40 which was not too long ago because I'm very young still all right I'm squeaking into four I'm four I bet I'm 40 I've been 40 for I'm almost I'm almost 41 okay ever since I'm 40. I've been 40 for, I'm almost, I'm almost 41. Okay. Ever since I turned 40, I have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee. Okay. Fine. Whatever. Joke about how I'm an

old guy. It's all good. But it happened pretty much the day I turned 40. All of a sudden, sometimes I wake up at fucking 5am. Sometimes I wake up at 7.30am, which is the most annoying because I had to, because I'm like, should I just just stay up but no i'll fucking try to conk out till 9 30 10 right because the kid sleeps till fucking dude that kid'll sleep he's just like a fucking it's like he's on xanax or something i think my kid is fucking just partying in his crib do you know what i mean like dude the kid sleeps so late it's weird um anyway yeah i had one of my group meetings that i had to fucking go to in the morning and one of the guys and i was like i can't i can't i sorry i didn't make it because i overslept and he's the it's at nine

and he's like what do you mean it's fucking nine he's like don't you have a fucking eight month old whatever he was back then and i was like yeah and i felt like i was lying i felt i felt like i was like when i used to fucking cheat i'm like well no you okay it was uh i was sleeping and it's all good because of the fucking i he sleeps late look and i took a screenshot of him sleeping on the fucking when he woke up on the nanit and i sent it over i'm like i i just i anyway um so yeah so i figured this out so i used to i woke up at i used to i now i wake up sometimes 7 30 sometimes i wake up at 5 sometimes i wake up at 3 30 sometimes 120 i'll wake up i'll fall asleep at midnight and at 120 i'll wake up and i'll be like i gotta pee so fucking bad and i I'm like, I just peed at 12, 1159 and peed and started to sleep at 120. I pee. So I'm mad now because I got to wake up to piss. Right.

And I'm so pissed off. And I did the thing where I was like, fuck it. I'm going to go to back to sleep and I'm just going to have to pee and sleep through it. That's my penance. You know, my body's changing now. Fuck you body. I got this. I'm going to stay asleep and then go back to sleep. Sure enough, I couldn't do it because you know, when you got to pee, you got to pee. So I would wake up, I would go pee, wake up trying to turn the light on, find the toilet, go back. By the time I come back, my heart's beating because I'm mad as fuck because now I'm a guy that wakes up in the middle of night to be. Right?

So now I'm like, what am I going to do? Because my body is betraying me. Do you understand me? So I ordered on Amazon because I went, I wanted to go get them. But I was like, maybe I shouldn't go get them because if I go out in public, someone might take a picture and be like, hey, I spotted Chris Lee. I haven't seen him in a long time. And look what he's buying. So instead, I fucking got it sent from Amazon and they showed up to the house. I opened up the box and my girl said, what's that?

And I said, well, Kristen, there depends. And I got a whole mess of them, dude. And I got smalls. I know you're probably thinking, but he's not small. I'm not small but i am small for a 90 year old okay your boy where smalls depends so dude i got them and i fucking i tonight is the first night i'm gonna wear those motherfuckers and i'm gonna piss the bed dude i'm gonna piss the bed and I win body.

I win. My body betrayed me. Well, guess what, dude? I'm going to use my mind to Trump my body. So now my body and my mind are both back on my side. I win.

I figured it out. I'm Elon Musk of pissing pants. Go ahead. Fucking take cars to space. Figure out how to make hoverboards without people dying. I figured out how to piss the bed in a cool fashion as a 40-year-old. And I'll tell you what too, I realized this because once when I was 30, as a joke, somebody got me a bunch of Depends and I went, ha ha ha, very funny. And I stored them off to the side and I didn't throw them away and I didn't know why. But a few months later, my buddy was over and he was like, why do you have Depends? And I told him the story. It was something that made a joke and

then fucking bought me the Depends and I paused. I realized, why the fuck haven't I not tried this? So I put the Depends on when I was 30 and I pissed. Now, I'm assuming mostly all of my listeners have never pissed into pens. Well, when you piss into pens, it's like your dick coughs. Liquid isn't even around. It's not like, oh, so it absorbs the liquid? It's like, no. It's like the fucking liquid just comes out as, oh, it's amazing. The diaper gets heavy and it's a little warm, but it does not feel like liquid.

So I can't wait to piss the bed tonight. And Kristen is like, what the fuck? I don't want to, you know, my fiance is like, well, you're going to just piss the bed. And I'm like, yup. And guess what, dude? I'm not, this is non-negotiable because my body betrayed me you should be on my team are you on my team or my body's team so she's like all right she rolls her eyes she's like you better not get pissed on the bed i'm not

gonna get pissed on my bed because i pissed on you depends when i was 30 i tried it they don't even let me leak down the leg dude i'm not bullshitting you man this is not a fucking comedy bit you pissing depends it's like you're not pissing so um i'm gonna do it dude my body ain't shit dude i tell my body what goes on it's your body be in control of your body if you can't do it physically then get depends and make sure you fucking can handle your business get whatever contraption you need to do to make your body. Be in control of your body. If you can't do it physically, then get the pens and make sure you fucking can handle your business. Get whatever contraption you need to do to make your body do what it... Dude, there's guys out there that can't walk. They're sitting in wheelchairs. Why the fuck can't I use the pens?

I swear to God, I'm going to fucking try... You know what? I'm going to show up with one of those... I'm going to get one of those handicap stickers for the fucking car. And I'm going to roll out. And I'm going to look all fit and able-bodied. People are going to go, what's wrong with that? I'd be like, I piss in the middle of the night.

I got the pens when I sleep. And like, okay, I don't think that that... That's why you get this spot close to the Pizza Hut? That's why you get this closer spot to the Pizza Hut? Yup, because I figured it out, dude. I'm the Elon Musk of pissing pants. Yeah, dude. And I'm so dead serious and I'm excited to do it dude i can't wait to do it

i'll shit in them yeah yeah i will prime day is here with epic deals exclusively for prime members For Prime members. You'll feel like you just won an award. Oh, wow. I didn't even prepare a speech. I'd like to thank my family for always needing stuff. Also, Sam, my delivery guy, for bringing all my awesome deals so fast. You're the man, Sam. Shop deals on electronics, home, and more this Prime Day, July 16th and 17th.

Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies. Celebrate good times. Would I shit in them? If I was shitty, I'd be like, depends, but that's not funny not funny so i won't say it but i'll say i won't say it so you know i thought of it yeah dude why doesn't fucking depends sponsor this podcast oh yeah oh yeah that's right hey depends

you want a 40 year old helping you out with sales why don't you sponsor this podcast oh yeah dude I forgot I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. Some people just like to watch the world burn.

Oh, fuck. Kick his fucking teeth in. Kick his fucking teeth in. For fuck's sake ah shit ah fuck god thank god for this

thank god for this I got my my fucking shirt I haven't worn this shirt in so long it's my orange shirt that I used to talk about in my act. My favorite fucking orange shirt. And it's back. We're back in business, dude.

That's Chris D'Elia with his fucking favorite orange shirt and the poofy hair. Because he can't get to the back of it. Hell yeah, dude. Yo, is that Chris D'Elia or a bird of paradise? Fuck that, dude. I'm just trying to get the hair to where I look like a bird of paradise Man Um yeah Anyway dude it hurt when I was punching my own hand

Um Um Bubble guppy Bubble bubble guppy guppy guppies Bubble bubble bubble guppy guppy guppies Bubble bubble guppies guppies Bubble guppies. Bubble bubble bubble guppy guppy guppies. Bubble bubble guppies. Guppies. Bubble guppies.

Dude, hey, fucking jingle guy. Try harder, you know? Just bubble bubble bubble guppy guppy guppies over and over again. Just try harder, dude. Guy probably makes fucking 20 grand a jingle. How about just bubble bubble bubble guppy guppy guppies over and over again? Cool. Ka-ching.

Cool, that's cool. Yeah, how about bubble bubble bubble guppy guppy guppies over and over again cool ka-ching cool that's cool yeah how about bubble bubble bubble guppy guppy guppies over and over again didn't i used to have this bubble bubble guppy guppy guppies over and over again yeah cool thank you very much dude yeah man oh remember when tom cruise got mad it wasn't even as good as when christian bell got mad that's it don't want to talk about it. Next. I don't give a shit. I'll talk about what I want to. Yes.

Dude, don't turn me back into old Chris. I'm new Chris now. Okay? That's for real. I got to do podcast mode Chris, but still new Chris. Oh, the Super Bowl. I saw that. Tom Brady is just...

By the way, dude, love him. Don't care. Don't care who he voted for. Love him. Don't care who he's voted for. Love him. The guy threw the fucking trophy from one boat to another boat. Love that, dude.

He is my hero. Not because he won 19 Super Bowls, because he took the trophy and threw it to a fucking guy named rob gronkowski on another boat you know rob gronkowski that name is the most fucking namey name uh but yeah and then and then what's his name and then he was drunk uh tom brady does that and dude, he's 43 and also I love him. There was a female ref for the first time ever in the Superbowl, which I don't know why there's not more female refs. Only there should only be female refs. People are like, this marks the day in history, females. She was the first female in the NFL and she's finally getting her dude fire all the men have women in there you know why because women are so good at being like you know what

you know what actually okay yeah but you know what fucking get kristin in there dude get my fucking fiat get my wifey in my wifey in there are you kidding me dude the score would be 0-3 no take points off because you weren't paying attention to what I said you can't lose

mark it down mark it down in her little fucking white and black stripes Do it How many of you guys put the dishes in the dishwasher? How many? On the team

How fucking many? Okay, I don't know I think nine of us Take a few points off Take a few points off. Take a few points off. You're supposed to throw a flag. You want a fucking flag?

Here's a flag. Here's a fucking flag. There. Take it. Take the fucking flag. Take it. Pick it up. Put it in the dishwasher.

Take the flag and put it in the fucking dishwasher. No? Safety. Give him a safety, please. Give him a fucking fucking safety do you know what a safety is it makes you lose points give him a fucking safety Tom Bradshaw give Tom Bradshaw a fucking safety

it's Brady it's Tom Brady I don't give a fuck what it is that's two first names give it to Tom Bradshaw and put it in your fucking and make sure that Gisele Bundchen is happy when you go home isn't a Bundchen a fucking like Siamese

warrior I don't know actually you know what dude it's so also like dude with the fucking, the mask wearing. I don't even wear, I wear a Richard Nixon mask. So then when people are like, sir, you need to have a mask.

You need to have a mask. You need to have a mask. Oh, yeah. Okay, cool. I'll be right back. And then I come back with a fucking Richard Nixon mask on and I say, I'd like a fucking iced Americano and everyone hits the deck.

What? Sir, just take it and leave. What the fuck are you talking about? Sir, take the money in the cash register. I'm not here to rob the place. I'm here to be COVID friendly. Can I have an iced Americano americano in the meantime the only thing in that mask that's open is the fucking mouth because you have to breathe i love that

shit how kids have to wear the fucking masks with and and it and it looks like the mask but there's like a fucking slit for the mouth and you gotta like and it's like for breathing it's like dude you could breathe anyway dude you don't need to put a fucking slit in there when i was a kid it would always piss me off i'd have like the coolest outfit i was like peewee herman and killing it but there was like a slit for the mouth and you just look like someone would walk by and put a fucking coin in it um christmas was cool with the kid with with with with callie we we um that's another thing that i tried to you know every year i had pictures with santa as a kid up until i was 37 and um i would go and i would be sitting on the now up until i was however old i fucking i would complain with my mom to my mom so many different

times i'd be like i don't want to do it anymore she'd be like please it's the last year and i did it till i was way too old in like fucking dockers and a guy and a fucking j crew shirt and um and uh and so i uh they so i i was like i want to take calvin to the fucking santa but we can't because of COVID. And there were no Richard Nixon masks that were small enough to fit over his face. So to keep them safe. And so I, uh, so I went to go take, I was like, what are we going to do? And I was like, I'm going to fucking dress up as Santa. I don't give a shit. I'll dress up as Santa. I'll walk in the room, ho ho ho and put a pillow in my tummy and just pick them up and fucking take some we'll take some pictures and that'll be the first one and we'll remember oh remember coven remember when

he was a kid when he was one years old his first christmas dad was santa that's the shit dude um so i wanted to do that and uh i was like what side what we get? Because we realized it too late. And Kristen was like, oh, I got one. I was like, really? Christmas is six days away. Yeah. She said, but it's fucking XXL. And I'm like, it's triple XL? I'm a fucking, you know, your boy's lean, though, you know?

It's like, if you're going to, gonna like what letter do i look like v do you know what i'm talking about and so i'm like all right she's like don't worry i can sew it if it's too big she's good with that shit but it's so annoying too because it fucking it doesn't work sometimes she'll be like i got a new piece of furniture and i'm like really yeah and then it shows up and it's like 19 feet by 19 feet and i'm like what the fuck are we gonna do like this she's like i guess i guess we're gonna have to put it on the only wall we need to put it on that that's big enough i'm like did you measure it and she's like no eat eat a chip walk away like it's no fucking big deal and I'm sitting there fuming like some guy in a sitcom

I used to do sitcoms and so so anyway she was gonna sew the thing it came it was actually it was too big and she sewed it nice she did it good right and we did it good. Right? And we did it.

And we put Cal, we put Cal, we put Calvin in the thing waiting for Santa. And you know how I told you in the last podcast, Calvin only has met nine people, you know, because of COVID. And he met Santa that day. Shh. You know what I'm talking about. But yeah, Callie met Santa Claus. And so,

so Santa came in and said, ho, ho, ho. And this is, this is, this is my son. Hello. Have you been a good boy? And this is him. Did somebody be a good, and I got a sack. Nothing nothing's in it but he doesn't know you know i put the sack down hello and my mom's like what the fuck i didn't know i was gonna do i

surprised everybody i think i think honestly some of my family thought santa was really there and um and i show up and and and callie was just sitting there watching Santa. And I pick him up. I put him on my knee. As soon as I put him on my knee, it just starts crying. We took three, four pictures real quick. I'll post them on Instagram, you know. He's so cute, but he was crying.

He never cries, dude. This kid is easy as shit. This kid's cool, man. He never cries. He cried when i when he you know when he sits on santa's lap and then when he bonks his head every now and then but sometimes dude he'll just fucking he'll do like that good acting cry where he just like lets it out a little bit where where it's like he'll go bonk and we're like oh and we brace for impact and then we when we try to act chill you know because you don't want to be like oh no because then it's like what happened

you know so we do we're just like so so i try to act like real cool when he hits his head so he doesn't cry he'll hit his head and i'll like grab a top hat and just throw it on and start flipping a coin and i'll be like hey cat you all right what's going on then i'll just wait and see what happens In my fucking And so he He'll start He'll cry but he'll do that good acting cry Where he'll just go like

And then just move on dude Start watching Bubble Guppies Yeah The kid doesn't cry man I do guppies um yeah the kid doesn't cry man i do every day every day i cry um yeah so yeah i do i cry every day at least once that's how it is when you're in recovery. Um.

And realizing stuff about yourself. You realize that you use sex because you're fucking insecure. When you use sex Because you are hiding from the fear of who you are That's what it is when you're in recovery Because you fucking use sex Because you feel like you're inadequate Because something happened to you feel like you're inadequate Pow pow pow pow

Because something happened to you probably when you were a kid And you had microaggressions on you Pow pow pow pow pow pow pow They call it small trauma Pow pow pow pow pow pow pow You didn't even know such things existed Pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow Mh mh mh Everybody's fucked up, but when you realize how fucked up you are, you cry at least

once a day. Sometimes you cry in the car. Sometimes you cry at home. Sometimes you say bye to your fiance that you cheated on and then you fucking get in the car and cry. Bye. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit, dude. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws. Like Fresh Promise. Produce is carefully

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Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. What was I talking about? What even was I talking about? I don't even remember, dude. Wow. We derail. We derail.

But, uh, anyway. Yeah. So I fucking, yeah, he cried. cried he doesn't cry his dad cries more than him um come on catch up cow uh yeah so i've been fucking trying to you know figure out who i really am and what to do and shit. I fucking hated everything. You know, old Chris used to fucking just never do, never want to do shit, you know. Never want to do shit. I just wouldn't. I'd want to fucking drink coffee, you know, message women and fucking work out, do stand-up. That was it. That was my life, you know, message women and fucking work out, do stand up. That was it. That was my life, you know?

And, um, now I got to do other shit. You know, I got to fucking expand my horizons. I got to expand my fucking horizons, dude. I used to think expanding horizons were boring, man. I would make up all these fucking ideas and compartmentalize about how fucking stupid it was that people thought they were open-minded and shit i was such a fucking bonehead moron but um yeah so my uh one day i was just like let's do a fucking puzzle and we did a puzzle with uh of of santa and that was fun as shit man you ever do a puzzle and i realize that fuck it dude i'm all in this boring life i'm all in i'm a dad with a kid who does a puzzle and i fucking you know i sit i've got my thing that I do, I need to get a chair, like a fucking, dad's in his chair, if you need him, that's what I need, but yeah, man, I'm all in this boring life, I do puzzles, man, I fuck with puzzles, man, hardcore, I did one of Paris, I did one of another I did one of Paris.

I did one of another city. I didn't even really know what it was because I'm not really that cultured. What if I end up going there one day and I don't even realize it and I look out and I'm on vacation when I'm like 90 years old wearing my Depends, this time in the daytime,

and I look and I'm like, whoa, wait a second. I did a puzzle i i did a puzzle i did a puzzle like this once didn't i darling the thing about this podcast is it's nice to do it's nice i have it man you know it's like it's nice that i have it for me i guess um i don't know i don't know uh what else can i talk about i have a it's really cool you know what's fucking awesome though is that my contacts are uh absolutely fucking going bonkers in my eye and i can't see anything um oh dude you guys

going bonkers in my eye and i can't see anything um oh dude you guys oh dude i want hey buy dodge coin doge dodge coin what is it doge coin dogecoin i don't know buy it so it goes up i bought some you know and i wanted it to make more money bro that's the thing about me is the shit that i fucking get into i get into dude yeah that's why yeah that's why i i am where i am but i fucking dude i i i'm into stocks now dude i got some tesla not much you know but um i still look at it every day and all the time i look at it and it fucking will go up like one tenth of a fucking cent and i'm just like hell yeah dude let's get that dope let's see where it is now dude let's see where it is now uh let's see where it is now see stocks are now let's see where don't great went down i always fucking dude my buddy told me to get dogecoin and i got it and it fucking went down. Lost like $100. It's all good though. So I lost $100 on stonks.

But it is what it is, dude. It's a dangerous game. Stocks. Dangerous game that stocks. I'm in that movie boiler room. And Bitcoin's crazy, right? I can't believe these fucking cryptocurrencies. I've never said that word until right now.

Oh, you know what happened? My fucking, remember the dog that my mom thought got butt fucked? Lenny? Remember, I told you this on the podcast before when she was like oh my brother would pet anytime someone will pet lenny on his butt lenny would go and my mom would and my mom my mom would literally she would literally she literally said you know why that he does you know why i think he does that and we said what is i I think somebody butt-fucked him. That's what my mom said to the family at dinner. I think somebody butt-fucked him. My mom said that.

Okay? And I know I've said this before on the podcast, but I need to say that again. Well, apparently it served Lenny well that rough upbringing getting butt fucked and whatnot by the way i was like you mean like a dog fucking would like fuck lenny and my mom said, no. I think his previous owner. My mom because my brother pet Lenny and Lenny went, my mom my human mom

jumped, skyrocketed to the conclusion that the dog used to have an owner that would buttfuck him on a regular basis. Okay? Okay? So that's a real thing. So that happened at dinner okay so that dog apparently growing up growing up rough dude he got attacked by a coyote and lenny apparently went back into his fucking, enough's enough, you know what I mean? I won't take it anymore.

And bit the fucking tail off of the coyote. And the coyote ran away. Lenny, coyote, get off of me. Get off of me, Raj. You know what I mean? Or whatever the fuck his previous, just a flashback and bit the tail off the coyote. My dad saw the coyote running away with no tail.

My dad's like, what the fuck? And Lenny was sitting there just like wheezing and puncture wounds, but with that fucking coyote tail. And my brother said, I want that, took the tail and is going to frame it. My whole family's crazy. Okay? And so Lenny's okay now.

He was wobbling, dude. Like this, just fucking wobbling back. And my dad was just like, oh, bro, so upset, man. Yeah, yeah. So Lenny's okay now. So whatever happened to Lenny in the past, whatever it was, whatever made him growl because my brother pet him on the back, served him well against that coyote. So here's to Lenny. Whatever it was. Whatever made him growl because my brother pet him on the back.

Served him well against that coyote. So here's to Lenny. It's tough when a fucking dog. You don't think about it. Like my dogs basically just shit and piss. I don't even really know they're there a lot of the time. Like I'm like, wait a second. But they ran away once and I was fucked, man. like you take them for granted because they're just around and you get mad when they piss on the fucking couch

or or or snap at you you know and you're like hey hey you you got it good um and uh yeah so fucking they uh they ran away once and I was calling out for them all fucking night, dude. And it was just, it's brutal, man. It sucks. We found them. They came back. Like, they went on fucking vacation. They were just like, I left the gate open, and they just went.

And then I realized like an hour later, and then they fucking just came back, dude. You know how good dogs have to have it if they just fucking come back? That's outside. That's their world. They're wolves. Dogs are wolves that are dogs now. And they just left and came back. Yeah, so

and then we found another one. Chenzo. You know, that trash dog that I talk about. And yeah and and uh he's fat as shit now because we fed him we picked him up in like panorama city she was at a target for some fucking reason in panorama city and she was like there's a dog and i was like oh just bring it here the fucking dog didn't do shit for three weeks and then just started barking and never stopped still barking right now

and he's fat now dude he was all skinny and emaciated and then we took him and he fucking that fucking dog will just grab food so quickly dude it's like a magician he's like a fucking now you see it now you don't you're like where is my burger and then you see

Chen's just like fucking hanging over to the side, just like burping and shitting the burger out on your couch. Dude, Chen's fucking sucks, man. He sucks, man. I don't even know what kind of dog he is. You know, when you find a dog and you're like not a purebred, you're like, what's going on here, man? We're doing a DNAna test on him though and we we think he's a little bit chihuahua and part martian um and he sleeps like fucking with his arm up over his thing like he's dracula

the whole thing pisses me off we have too many many dogs, dude. And we have a kid, too. So we have like five fucking things going on. I'm just going to come home once with a parrot. Kristen's going to be like, why do you? And I'm going to be like, well, you keep bringing shit home. Have a parrot. Fuck it. The parrot flies away.

Fuck it! The parrot. She's Fuck it! The parrot. She's upset! Flying by me. What? What is she mad about? You moved the lamp! Wrong place.

What are you doing? The parrot does what fucking... What Cal does. Dude. Cali. what fucking what Cal does dude Callie he tries to talk and just parrot flying by I can't talk yet he won't say ball I feel like he's fucking with me at this point he's he's one you know what I mean talk Talk. You're one. Say some shit already. How do you feel? It's been a year. He's fucking with me at this point.

He's like, I'm going to see how long I can ride out this not talking shit and have them just be fucking catering to my every need. You know what I'm talking about? How do you feel? It's been a year. Do you feel good? Has your tummy ever ached? It's been a year. Do you feel good? Has your tummy ever ached?

What's going on? You bit his tongue the other day. Does it hurt a lot or a little? Tell your dad, dude. I'm your fucking dad. Talk. Imagine I did that to him. Jesus Christ.

Kid needs to man fuck up, you know man, boy you need to man up, I'm old school, you need to rub some fucking dirt on it boy, nah, I'm going to teach my fucking son feelings dude, I'm going to teach him,

by the way he's already seen his dad cry fucking 468 times, but I'm going to teach my fucking son feelings, dude. I'm going to teach him. By the way, he's already seen his dad cry fucking 468 times, but I'm going to teach him feelings like a motherfucker. I'm going to teach him it's okay to cry while I'm crying because of some shit, you know? You know, it's okay to cry. See, your dad does it. And he's just going to think, pussy? Yeah, pussy. What his those were his first words

man I'd give him a trophy um I love him so much man it's crazy that he could he'll be able to fucking watch this one day um if you are watching this I love you um

so much man yeah um so yeah i don't know i guess that's it dude i don't need to fucking talk about it anything you know i don't need to make this podcast as long it's been 50 minutes i don't need to do it any longer than that i could do whatever i want i guess I guess. Right? Sometimes I feel like it needs to be an hour, but I'm just getting back into the swing of things, you know? Just getting back into the swing of things and feeling it out. Maybe the next one will be an hour. I don't know when I'm going to start doing the

fucking Patreon thing. I don't know if I am or not, man. Right now, what I want to do is what I want to do. And I'm just on my fucking path of also just... I'm focused on my family even still and I'm focused on my fucking path of also just I'm focused on my family even still and I'm focused on my recovery even still

because that's how it needs to be but I don't know man thanks for listening that's it dude I appreciate you listening and that's congratulations and remember alright guys

take care And that's congratulations. And remember. All right, guys. Take care. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob. You scared the fuck out of me. I'm a motherfucking, motherfucking, motherfucking, motherfucking. Yeah.