Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 179. Right Behind the Face

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

🎉 Sign up for the Patreon! https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  On today's episode Chris talks about getting back into podcast mode, how many commercials Shaq is in, and the show Kings of Pain. He also runs down his recent trip to Joshua Tree and reveals the results of his Depends experiment. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Hey guys, you can find us on Patreon now. Celebrate good times. extended episodes of Congratulations every week, and you also get a bonus episode a month. I'm a hooker now, okay? If you want to support the show, if you're a longtime listener, and you're like, how can I support the show, though?

Here's your ticket, dude. Here's your ticket. I'll be doing bonus content over there. Also, if you sign up for the top tier, you're one fire now, basically. You are a producer of the show. I'm going to do monthly AMAs where you guys can pitch me ideas for the show. And you'll also be able to see yourself in the credits because you're a producer of Congratulations.

I'll tell you what the top tier, entry to the log cabin. That's what that is. Go on over to patreon.com slash Chris Talia and check it out. And we'll see you there, man. Hello, everyone, and welcome to congratulations it's episode 179 crazy crazy crazy crazy i you know it's another episode and I wasn't sure, man. I, you know, I can do the episode really whenever I want.

I don't really have too much going on right now. So I decided to do it on this certain day that I'm doing it now, which I don't need to tell you guys because you're listening to it whenever it's you're listening to it. And so I just I was like, I'll do that. And I set up and I told the producers and I was like, let's do this shit. And then all day, I, I just didn't, I was trying to get into the mood and I was just not sure. And I, you know, podcast mode is like, it's like fucking, you know, it's like, it's like album. It's like when an artist is in Al, it's like when a rapper is in album mode, you don't want to fuck with them. You don't want to dis a rapper when he's in album mode. Do you know what I'm talking about? Because if you dis a rapper, when he's in album mode, then he's at the top of his game and he's ready and he could rhyme a lot of things really

quickly at you. And you're fucked, honestly. You know what I'm talking about? You're fucked. And you're fucked, honestly. You know what I'm talking about? You're fucked. You know? If I diss a rapper and he's in album mode, say I'm a rapper and I diss another rapper and I'm not in album mode and that rapper is in album mode, then that guy is just going to be like, hold up, hold up a second. Cars, bars. And I'm'm fucked do you know what i mean

he'll be like hold on hold on a second math bath and i'm fucked you know what i mean because i'm like wait what rhymes you understand what i'm saying so podcast mode is the equivalent of album mode and i was trying to get into podcast mode and i couldn't get into podcast mode and guess what i'm not in podcast mode but i don't want to fail you guys so let's see if we can kind of swoop into podcast mode let's see if we can kind of just catch podcast mode catching podcast mode that's what i'm trying to do so i'm trying today um but fuck it dude we're all in do you know as a performer or whatever the fuck you know sometimes you gotta go on stage and and you don't and you don't know you don't feel it you're arguing with your you know your wife or you're fucking mad at your your agents or whatever the fuck and you're like well

they said that or you're talking to the guy off stage who the the who's set up the whole fucking show and you're like why are these people all drunk up front and you're like i gotta go hey and everybody let go it's chrysalia and you come out and you're just like hi everybody you know what i mean and like you're you're but you're in your head and in your heart you're just fucking deeply mad you know but you're and you're just like so what's going on out there, fucking Ottawa or whatever the fuck. And you got to do that shit. But, um, yeah, I don't really know you, but, but, but you gotta, so you gotta swallow it and fucking just do your shit. And so that's what, that's what, that's what we do, baby. That's what we fucking do. So I'm, I'm, so I'm, I'm doing that. And you know, it's honestly, uh, it's fine.

You know, it's fine. It's fine. We went to fucking, um, the supermarket, uh, today with my boy, with my son and he fucking, that kid is me, dude. He was sitting in the fucking, uh, you know, the shopping cart that you push, bro. We would look like fucking to get the LaCroix push, bro, we would look like fucking to get the LaCroix and we would go grab the LaCroix and bring it back. By the time we brought it back, he would be like the other way and his leg up chilling, like he had a fucking robe on, just like,

oh, hello, mommy and daddy. And dude, it was so fucking, oh dude we took him we were walking down the street we took him into this toy shop which is just straight out of fucking 1950s like i didn't even know there were like like toy shops you think they have like video games and shit bro i'm a new dad i had no fucking idea i haven't been to a toy shop but they have like legit like trinkets and it's like yeah but is this pleasantville i don't understand a toy shop that has like a thing that you wind up. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's 2021. Kids are out there literally shooting each other in the fucking face with Call of Duty.

And these things have like trinkets that you wind up and a monkey will just go, ah, ah, ah, ah. This toy shop had that shit and calvin was just like looking at all of the toys and he picked up this bell this fucking rotten eight dollar bell and it was just going ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding to the whole toy the whole shop and the guy's just like i actually fucking said uh just so you guys know i have to leave in a little bit so if you want something just maybe just you know, I have to leave in a little bit. So if you want something, just maybe just, you know, figure it out, dude. And I'm like this motherfucker. I looked at my clock. It was five 37. Like, when do you close, dude? If it's six, we got time. He just

didn't want fucking Kelly to be with the bell. Dude, he was holding it upside down like a fucking, like a disrespectful, uh, a dis a disrespectful motherfucker. Just you would hand it to him fucking down to where, you know, you do like if he was the salvation army, fucking Santa, like doing it like that, you'd give it to him like that. And he would just look at you and he would go and flip it over and go like a fucking disrespectful 13 month old. And it was cute was cute dude but he did that and then we bought the fucking bell and then we walked down the street and he's just like a small fucking bald salvation army santa and he's just and then we went into the grocery store and he's

just and we look around and we look to go get the lacroix and then we look back and he's just fucking sprawled out like he's the fucking um who's that the guy who says champagne on the old snl spits skits spits or skits ah skits yeah that's right yes we fucked up already dude i'm a fucking is my fucking are my lips Yes. Do I have fucking two injuries in my back? Yes. High and low. Yes, dude. High and low, dude. L1 and probably L40.

Yes. I can't fucking wait to wake up tomorrow and be like, oh, because every morning I wake up, I go, oh, yes. Dude, it sucks, man. My lips are just fucking, and my back is, I always think of that Jada Kiss song. I work out, I keep my back all nice. Not descriptive enough. I work out, I keep my back all nice.

Children's book. Number one dad. How many fucking dads have a number one dad thing you know you're not the fucking word we all tied we're all tied as the number one dad dude i'm not i'm i'm a good i'm a fucking i love that boy man i fucking you know you know what i realized is i don't fucking really look people in the eyes all that much like people come over and shit not so much lately because it's the covid and fucking everybody hates me and but but when people come over and and when they come over i realized they'll be over for like two and a half hours and i fucking haven't even looked in their eyes dude

and i'm serious and i'm like ah they're gonna think i fucking don't like them and it's not that i don't like them it's just that i'm fucking insecure i used to think like i used to think as a kid like if you make eye contact with somebody for too long like they would steal your soul because my whole family was indian and um no but i i really did i used to think that shit and i was like you can't look at somebody for too long and then somebody when i was like in my early 20s was like hey fucking they said to my friend you know chris doesn't fucking like look at us when he when when he and i was like oh fuck they're catching on so i try i try to fix it and i fucking don't fix it and now it's just like a part of my life and i don't fucking i don't really look at people in

the eyes but the one person i look in in their eyes fucking for a long time is calvin and i don't even realize it because like he could have my soul i don't give a shit um anyway god i'm so fucked i'm so fucked up with the shit that i think uh wow if um anyway wow we went we went to uh joshua tree uh this past week week uh wifey was like let's just get out let's let's let's go you know she wanted just let's go let's fucking let's just pick up and leave i was like where are we gonna go it's fucking half the world thinks that you're gonna die if they cough on you and like you know Half the world thinks that you're going to die if they cough on you and like, you know, the other half is mad. And she's like, let's just rent a place in Joshua Tree. And I'm like, what's and I'm like, first of all, dude, I'm like, hold up. What's Joshua Tree?

Because I know I've been in L.A. for fucking 28 years and I've heard this Joshua tree shit. I've heard about Joshua tree. Now I want to tell you right off the bat, I don't like the name Joshua tree. Okay. Because it's a place. It's not a tree. And the name Joshua fucking sucks. okay? And you know that. And even Joshua's are listening right now, and they're like, well, he does raise a point. Dude, the name Joshua? First of all, the name Josh isn't great, okay? But it's way better.

And if you're a fucking cock, if you're Josh and you're like, well, but it's Joshua, you're a fucking cock. You know what I'm talking about? You're the guy who holds the fucking wine like this, where you're like, just, but it's Joshua. You're a fucking cock. You know what I'm talking about? You're the guy who holds the fucking wine like this, where you're like, just hold it like that, asshole. And like you're much closer to wearing a fucking ascot than any other motherfucker.

And fuck, dude. One time we were doing an acting exercise in high school and my buddy jason he he we pushed him into a closet and it was on stage and he fucking came out of the closet with a fucking pink boa on and he and and i cried laughing and that story has fucking nothing to do with any of this but i don't give a shit dude what's it matter i'm unraveling and so uh so so fucking we were in joshua tree and the fucking we brought callie and we and we brought two friends i didn't even look at them in their eyes the whole fucking time but but calvin we we picked up when we left we went to joshua tree and i was like why the fuck is it called joshua tree and it's because it's at the elevation where the the the these certain trees grow only in the this elevation of where joshua tree is and these trees look like fucked they don't look good and people are always like oh how cool that the trees only grow

in this elevation and you can't get them at other elevations and it's like yeah but the trees fucking suck you know what i'm talking about they don't look like nice spruce trees or like christmas trees they're all they look like fucking do you know what they look like the they uh like fucked up like um marionettes is what they look like like the fucking when in sync did the bye-bye-bye video or if it was backstreet boys i don't know who it is but um and they are all like got like shit coming out of it. Like they look like maybe they're like cactuses or something or cacti. Cactuses.

I don't want to say cacti. And so, but they're ugly ass fucking trees. And the reason why they're called Joshua trees is because the Mormon Joshua was like the one who discovered it or something. Okay. So the place is called Joshua tree and everybody goes. And if you go, you, it's like 85 to 90% chance you'll take mushrooms and the, and, and, uh, yeah. And so I'm one of the, and we went there and we played games and we didn't really have a fucking room to put Calvin in. There were five bedrooms, but two of them were over in another fucking place outside of the house. It was like a casitas that they called it or some shit to make it sound nice.

And we're like, we're not gonna put fucking Calvin alone in a casitas like he's some fucking pimp. And so we put him in they had a big closet and we just fucking he slept in the big ass closet and like we had his fucking nan it all hunched over watching him sleep in his big ass closet with the air purifier and the fucking sound thing to there were so many gadgets in there he he was he was like the guy in the movie of the enemy of the state with Will Smith. That's like on the computer with all the fucking gadgets and shit. Just as the guy that's just like, I'm way ahead of you.

That's who my, my son was at Joshua tree. And we were with people and, and some of the people did mushrooms. And, and, and it was so funny because we couldn't like, we were like,

you're not, you're not, you, it doesn't seem like you're on mushrooms. And, and one of the guys couldn't, like, we were like, you're not, you're not, it doesn't seem like you're on mushrooms. And one of the guys was like, yeah, no, it's not affecting me. Oh, shit. He goes, he says, yeah, it's not really affecting me. It's not really affecting me.

And he says, it's not really affecting me. And looks at his hand and says, oh, shit. Oh, shit. So on mushrooms. Honestly, it's not affecting me. What the fuck? How many fingers is that? Ha ha ha.

Yeah, it's not really affecting me. Did you guys put this plantar peanut guy on my hand? Trippy, man. The fuck? He's got no cock? Does the the planners peanut guy wear fucking pants that's bullshit dude come on get with it companies get with the times dude you gotta fucking put pants on the planners peanut guy put pants on the plan of being the same um and he fucking stays drinking lacCroix even at night, dude.

Disrespecting. Dude, my son does the highest burps. It's crazy, dude. It's like the fucking, it's like the Michael Jackson of burping. He just goes, he'll just be chilling and he'll go. It's cute as shit though man um yeah so we went to joshua tree it was cool some of us did mushrooms not me and then uh we went to walk around and it was too windy and we came back oh we went to a fucking place where it was like dude it's like the one of those places we're like the charm the charm though. If you're talking about the charm of a place, the place fucking sucks, you know?

Have the place be all nice. If it's charming, it's just dirty. And a lot of brown is around. So we went in and we were like, it's one of the, we went into one of these stores and it's, it had like everything that the person collected within the past a hundred years. You know, one of those stores where they're just like, ah, that, let me tell you about, and you're just like, no. You're just like, let me get the thing with the three bears on it because it's fucking, it's cute because there's a little bear and the two and a couple bear. And it's like going to be me and Kristen. And then the Calvin is the little bear.

Ah, well, let me tell you, you know, the first, the, the, the, I, I originally, when I first got here, it wasn't because it was because I was, I was going to get a surgery, but what happened was instead of the, instead of that, I came here and I got a deep healing and it healing and it fucking healing. So much healing is going on in fucking Joshua tree that it's like, you'd think there'd be no disease. And, and, and, and the more a person talks about healing, the more they wear fucking maroon and brown and shit and like tan and like aquamarine, you know what I'm talking about? And she was just like the healing and the healing. And I found my husband and the healing and the healing and i found my husband and the healing and the healing i found my husband and then so the three bears in the and i'm just sitting there dude

with my fucking mask on and and kristen's got her mask on and the only people with no masks is calvin and the fucking lady that's talking about healing and i'm like this fucking chick better not have covid dude healing and the healing and as she's saying, the ancient healing. Healing and the healing and the fucking like the old cartoons with the fucking smoke. We would go in front, like the steak would be smelling up to Daffy Duck and it would just like lure him in and Daffy would be like. And then healing and the healing and that's the COVID to my son. And my son just is like. healing and the healing and that's the covid to my son and my son just is like we better stay here so he fucking gets some healing but like and and and and kristin is so

nice dude she's just like the nicest person and now like i gotta be nice because god forbid i'm not nice and somebody catches it and fucking puts it on the on the internet saw you the fuck nara dude oh and he's a dick and uh and uh oh she was talking about healing and the fucking love of her life and how she got a three a fucking statue of three bronze bears and he's and he rolled his eyes really and he rolled his eyes. Really? And he rolled his eyes. Really? I don't think so. And so Kristen is so nice to it. And she's just like, really? Isn't that really?

Isn't that interesting? Really? I'm so glad we just picked up and just came to Joshua Tree. Really? Oh, wow. Yeah, see, so that's funny because, and she's just making shit up that isn't even, because, you know, his parents,

they were both, they met at war, so we get it. She's just making shit up so the lady feels comfortable. And so I fucking, so we got the bronze bears and shit and we put it in our fucking office and now it's there. And now we have that thing.

So now we have that thing. So it's good, you know. Things. Things, man. I used to collect so much fucking shit when I was a kid. So much shit. McDonalddonald's fry holders Like for real pins of movies. I went to like they used to hand out pins. I used to collect pogs I used to keep all the shit man

And one day I was like this is going to be a big problem I better throw it all the way now and I threw it all the way I threw everything away everything away And it felt good. It felt cleansing. And that was the day that I made sure I wasn't going to become a hoarder because dude, let me tell you, if I didn't do that, I would have been a hoarder. You watch that show hoarders. Some people hoard their own shit. And this is true. I saw an episode where guys are like, well, yeah, this is all my stuff. Okay, cool. See ya. And they were like, well, what's out back in the fucking thing? It wasn't a casitas, but it was like a fucking uh another place that he built he was like oh that yeah oh

yeah okay we go in there i guess and he just kept his shit in paint buckets they open it up they're like what's what's it, oh, oh, oh, you know, when you get like, they were like hurt to their core, oh, like, you ever get fucking really hurt, and like, like fucking, my son, I was eating fucking ahi tuna, and I would, she, and Krista was like, watch him for a sec while I blow my hair out. And she was, she was blowing her. And I was eating the ahi steak from a good restaurant and fucking eating it. And I, and he was just, he's always trying to grab whatever the fuck is around.

It doesn't matter. And he's trying to grab it and he goes to grab my fork. I'm like, buddy, this is a fork. It's sharp. And I had the nice knife to fucking cut the ahi tuna. And he went to go grab something like my fucking, my pills so I don't kill myself or some shit. And he grabbed the fucking pills. And I was like, buddy.

And I took the pills back and I put it on my dresser on my night table and as i did that he grabbed the sharp knife and just real quickly like a fucking like just jab like stabbed me in the fucking hand like like grabbed it and he goes like yeah what i'm gonna cut you up real nice like that's what it looked like like a fucking i cut you up real nice hey you got i got something sharp here i carve you out something nice like that's how he and i and i looked at him and he oh and it and i went oh like that like that like the real fucking shit that you feel when you get when you think there's danger like that you don't scream like whoops you you know you went oh like because it was like oh shit i'm fucking stuck i'm stuck in my hand. And also my son, I'm looking at my son and he's, I see all his fucking six teeth. He's smiling. I'm like,

this motherfucker's Dexter. He looks at me. He just goes, this fucking guy stuck me. And he's laughing at his dad, dude. And it was in that moment where i realized dude like if my son grew up and killed me i'd fucking be i'd i'd i'd i'd i'd fucking be i'd be worried that he was gonna get caught dude and i almost cried when i said it oh i almost cried when i said it okay that's all's all. That's all good, dude. But when you're a dad, emotion comes fucking. It's right at your face, dude. It's right at your fucking face, man. You know how emotions like in your belly sometimes and you're like, oh, I fucking caught me off

guard. Here it comes. It's rising. But then the emotion as a man, it gets to your throat sometimes. And then it's like, I'm just teasing you, dude. I'm just teasing you. I'll go back down to your tummy and I'll fucking and we'll just we'll chill a little bit and maybe at a wedding we might rise back up or at a funeral we might rise up sometimes we get here dude sometimes you get here sometimes when the emotion

gets right in your fucking like that old commercial like that old fucking what was that sizzler commercial it gets you here it gets you right here dude there used to be a fucking commercial for like sizzler or like steak sauce. A1 steak sauce is what it was. And he would go and in the commercial, they would cut to a guy and he says, it gets you here. It gets you right here. That's where the fucking emotion goes. It gets you here. It gets you right here.

As a man. But when you're a father and a new father at that, the emotion says, fuck it. And it's right behind your face, dude. It's right behind your face. So you do shit like you almost cry when your son grabs the bell and you're like, oh, this is the first fucking toy. I'm going to buy him. This is the first toy that he picked out at this bullshit classic toy shop. And he's just upside down dinging it.

And I'm paying for it. And the guy's like, can I get your card? And I i'm paying for it and the guy's like can i get can i get get your card and i and i go to pay for it and i fucking and i feel the emotion break through right at my eyes because i'm a new dad and because all of the shit that i'm going through also though and uh and i'm thinking this is the first thing i'm buying my son and i'm fucking getting emotional right now talking about it but it's not quite at my face. It gets you here. It gets you right here at this moment.

So I'm all good, baby. I'm all good. But yeah, man. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away?

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Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. And I know what you guys want me to talk about. I know what you guys want me to talk about because it was a fucking... You talked about, you know, I talked about it last time. The fucking, I can update you guys about the Depends thing. Depends part two. A lot of you guys were really asking me in my fucking, in my DMs and shit.

About how, because I commented on the depends social media uh i think i did the this emoji or something or fire emoji or something and uh a lot of you know first of all why the fuck does depends have a social media presence who Who's following adult diapers, okay? That's very weird. That's very weird that Depends has 1,303 followers on Instagram. On Instagram. It's not even just like on Twitter I would get it. Because it's like if you need Depends and you want a deal,

at least tweet like, hey, you hey you can get depends 20 off fucking here but who the fuck wants to see pictures of adult diapers like what kind of weird shit so but they have a hundred a thousand three hundred followers on instagram and now your boy's one of them because i'm involved with them because I wear them at night. And I did it. I did it a few nights. Now, last time I told you I win against my body because I was going to wear the Depends and I didn't want to have to get up to piss at night.

But instead, because of that, since you can't stop the pee, there's no cork that you can put in the tip of your penis. So I got the Depends and I put the Depends on. And I'm like, I win, body. I ain't getting up for you. I trumped my body, right? So I did it a few nights. And every night, I pissed all over the bed.

Okay? bed. Okay. Every night, and that's three of them, there was piss all over my sheets. Okay. Not a little. If you were a guy and you were going to be like, well, Chris, did the diaper get most of it? I'd have to be like, well, half and half. I don't piss a little either. I piss a lot. Like Kristen will go, TT? She'll be like, I got to go. And already she's back.

I'm like, what? When I go piss, it's as long as some people's shits. Like for real, I'm not fucking around, dude. I go piss for a long time. And I was depends let's see what you got guess what you got not much i did it once when i was 30 and the shit was awesome i don't know what the fuck dude by the way i was talking I was telling this to my therapist. I don't know, you know. And she was like, well, dude, it's gonna be really hard to pee in bed. And I was like, why?

And she's like, well, because you don't do that ever and it's gonna be like a mind fuck. And I was like, we'll see, dude. I'm in control of my own body and I've done it before when I was 30 and I did it. And it was so hard to piss laying down. You ever try piss laying down? Um, but I got it. You have to calm yourself and you have to, you have to relax.

And Krista was right there too. She was like, are you, you know, wait, I actually don't even remember you. I was, cause I think we were both woken up at the same time and I did it and I fucking, I just, there was so much piss on the bed. Anyway, uh, it's so, I don't give a fuck, dude. You can't wear them to bed. Maybe you can wear them out if you have a little bit of a leak, but anyway, depends. I know I was like, oh, I want you to sponsor sponsor me this is probably not a good fucking sponsor at this point now

so yeah i pissed all over the place and it gets so heavy dude the diaper the diaper gets so heavy you could curl it and like work out um this is my life now you know we boarded my dogs because they were they didn't come to Joshua Tree and they all came back with fucking kennel cough so that's cool

four dogs are just they're all fucking walking around like smokers just I swear to god one of them coughs with their fucking tongue out like they're the mask. It's so funny. It's like he's, you leave me in there, I'll fucking come. Dude, one of them, the trash dog, Chenzo, he fucking spits up, dude. I swear to God.

Dogs don't have lips, but I saw him go like this once. He just goes, it's like he's fucking Jim Carrey. It's like a four legged Jim Carrey. It's so, and I'm just like, all right, dude, I get it. And he fucking spits up. And then my son crawls on it. And I got to Google, can kids get fucking kennel cough? And it's always, it's never no, you know what I'm talking about? Even though, even though, you know, kids can't get kennel cough. Cause it's always it's never no you know what i'm talking about even though even though you know kids can't get kennel cough because that's why it's called kennel cough otherwise it would just be called bronchitis but it's never no you talk to any doctor well can i

get this from that well it's not like you know well then what the fuck is this world you know just say no if the chance is fucking 0.02 just say fucking no dude you google it and it's like in a very rare situation sometimes in africa it's been known that a four month old has gotten kennel cough and it's like dude is my fucking son who lives in L.A. going to get kennel cough from a fucking boarded up dog that was in West Hollywood? No. But now, because it says, well, you can't. No definitive proof. And I. Now I got to worry because my son's crawling all over my fucking trash dog spit.

So they all got kennel cough and they're all just fucking coughing all all over the place dude and even beforehand they were like do they have their shots and we were like yeah and like good because kennel cough's going around but should be okay they all came back in the fucking car coughing all over the fucking place anyway i think one of them's better now But the other The other two Whatever Doesn't matter

One came back with an eye infection and shit We had to give him a fucking Eye patch like a pirate So this is my life now Uh-uh so this is my life now. Now I got kennel cough. Dude, I just looked at my, I was looking at my camera roll today. I got fucking 30,000 videos of my, like my son.

It's unbelievable. And in, I would say 35 to 40% of them, you know, I take a lot with his grandparents, my parents, my mom is in the background. Just my, my son is doing the most adorable shit. He'll be like saying that for the first time and waving. And I'm like, oh, and in the background, my mom is like, what's the what is the what's the Cadillac? What's the four door Cadillac? And you're just like, do you understand? Mike, I'm do I need a six letter word for a four door Cadillac. And I'm just like, you great. You ruined it. And then I'm like, ma, and that's how every video ends.

My son does the most adorable shit, like stands for the first time for 12 seconds. And my mom's in the back. She's either, you know, I don't know. She, I don't know if she, she's either white or Jewishish and i'm just like well for fuck's sake dude ma that's how every video is my son figured out how to put you know the this the square in the square and the triangle in the triangle. He figures it out. For the first time, I get a video of him looking at the square

and putting it in the square, and him taking the triangle and putting it in the triangle. And I'm like, he knows shapes. How beautiful. And as my son puts the triangle in the triangle, my mom's like, well, you know he died of cancer. Ma! Ma!

If somebody has had cancer in a 100 mile radius, my mom has told you. That's it. My mom has told you that's where the sentence ends. You know about it. Did you know that? Because there's my mom. If somebody has had a freak accident within an 80 mile radius, you know about it. Because there's my mom. If someone has been married recently in a 100 mile radius, you know about it because there's my mom. Dude, one time I swear to God, my mom said, oh, also, if you don't know the person, you'll know about it because there's my mom. My mom will be like, do you know, Lauren, you went to school with her at fucking in?

No. Who's that? Lauren, you know. I don't remember. You know, her sister played volleyball and she was in your grade. And then Lauren was three years younger. And then she starts to get mad. And I'm like, yeah, OK, sure. Yeah, she she got married and her dad died the next day. That's she starts to get mad. And I'm like, yeah, okay, sure. Yeah.

She got married and her dad died the next day. That's what she fucking told me. That's not a joke. Dude, she hit me with the fucking one-two punch. Fucking wedding death. Bam. Dude. I can't imagine how wide my mom's eyes went when fucking Four Weddings and a Funeral came out.

When she heard that that was going to be a movie. My mom straight... You know there's a movie with fucking Hugh Grant and it's going to be called Four Weddings and a Funeral? I think my mom literally goes like this. And it had a fucking cardiac arrest. And they needed... And she was like, if I die, make sure you tell everyone

within a hundred mile radius. Dude. If I die, make sure you tell everyone within a hundred mile radius. Dude, that movie, my mom was first in line for four weddings and a funeral, no doubt. Hugh Grant said what? Sign me up. That's what she did. Funerals and weddings, dude. What happened? What is it about moms?

Once a kid comes out of you, you just got to tell everybody about death and weddings. What is it? It's like fucking they just go... My work here is done. You know who died? All done. So this is who's getting married just fucking lists just fucking a scroll like the mask's tongue that's two

mask references in one podcast for those of you who are listening to this i just drank really fucking disrespectfully with my lacroix my lacroix my lime lacroix what is it how does it fucking taste like lime if nothing's in it dude we're all dude i drink we're dying there's no way you're drinking lacroix not dying just so you know anyway all good yeah so how many fucking how many commercials can Shaq be in like for real dude you know what I'm talking about how many fucking commercial how could you look at when I by the way when I said this everybody listening or watching goes like this oh yeah he has been in way too many commercials so how can you how can you buy a product if Shaq is hawking it in the past four years how could you see Shaq holding a product and be like well oh I oh, I get that. Because he just hawks every product.

I looked it up. He's endorsed over 50 things currently. So how can you just be like, oh, well, I believe him. The guys on fucking the General Motors, Bengay. These are just ones that come off the top of my head. General Motors, Bengay, fucking Icy Hot. Does he do Bengay and Icy Hot? It's like pick one, dude.

Hi, Shaq. Buy the shit. That's how it should just be from now on buy the shit then i would have respect for it like that fucking pd pablo song where he's like drink heineken because because i like it and they're paying me for it pd pablo you know the name pd pablo so fucking awesome that song take my shirt off swing it like a helicopter when i first heard that song i thought okay got a new favorite song and it's been my favorite song since because i like how it's so so specific and he's so passionate about taking

your shirt off and swinging it around your head like a helicopter. Because if you're going to do something, you better do it with all of you, dude. You better do it with all of you. And this is something that I'm telling you guys, because you're listening to this. If you do something, give it your all. Give it your all, dude. You know, I would go on stage. I would give it my all at this podcast. I give it my all. It's not always good, but you give it your all dude. You have to fuck man. And that is why life rips dude. That is why life rips because you can give your all to something and just fucking give it your all and give it your all and give it your all and give it your all. And dude, you could you go sledding, go fucking sledding, go sledding down a fucking snowy Hill and give it your all and give it your all and give it your all and give it your all. And dude, you could go sledding, go fucking sledding, go sledding down a fucking snowy hill and give it your all.

Don't be a little bitch ass motherfucker with a sled. Is this how I, is this how I go head first into the motherfucker? And if you hit a tree, life fucking rips, dude, life rips. Dude, I had a paraplegic guy fucking write me recently and he told me life rips. And I needed to hear that shit. He told me fucking life rips and i needed to hear that shit he told me fucking life rips and i needed to hear that shit he told me his story and he told me life rips and i believe him now how about that give it your all because you can i'm like what is this show and they explain for science they're gonna go out and they're going to get bitten by everything poisonous and they're going to rank it. And I go,

why? And they reply, science. Now, is it bullshit or not? Is it just schlock TV? I don't know. But when I start watching, these motherfuckers are all in. You think they're stopping at bumblebees, dude? Uh-uh. They don't stop at bumblebees. They go to fucking, what the, the tarantula hawk wasps or whatever. By the way, that's some bitch shit if you're an animal named by another animal. Like, that would make me so mad if I was a fucking lionfish you know i'm talking about because you can't do anything about it because you're a fish and you can't even talk and even

if you could you'd be you're underwater anyway but i would be like don't call me another animal have me be a spiky fish i gotta be a fucking another more ferocious animal fuck all that i'm a spike fish you know what i'm talking about it's bit shit but my point is they didn't stop at bumblebee they went to fucking that big ass wasp i think it's called like the whatever it is dude it's like that big it's as big as a fucking car key and they and they boom they don't stop at that they go to lionfish boom Boom. The guy goes, he touched, he hits the fucking top of the lionfish with the boom, boom. It hurts. Didn't stop there. Went to the fucking fire ants or the harvest ants. And did he fucking do one? Oh, let's get the forest. Let's get the harvest ant. Let's put it

on there. Boom. No, they didn't do that. They put a fucking bucket full of fire ants, harvest ants. And the guy said, I'm going to stick my hand in there and I'm going to fucking keep it in there for as long as I can. He gave it his all. So I'm watching the show and I'm like, all right, you know what?

I'm going to watch the whole fucking thing, dude. I'm going to watch the whole thing because these guys gave it their fucking all. And I'm like, I watched six episodes last night and I'm not stopping, dude. You give me your all, I'll give you your all.

I'll watch the whole fucking thing this is a real life shit dude these guys oh you thought they stopped at harvest ants dude they do snakes you thought they stopped at snakes? They do fucking Komodo dragons, dude. This is a real fucking thing I'm telling you. They go and they get a Komodo dragon and they stick their arm out and the guy's like, fire away. And the Komodo dragon just goes, chomp. And the guy goes, oh, it hurts.

No shit, dude. hurts no shit dude and it's dude you know the chomping power that a fucking komodo dragon has you know what it is a lot and this dude the dude the's standing there with a komodo dragon on his arm for 11 fucking minutes this thing's a beast dude they grow to be seven feet that's as tall as shack it's like the fucking yaoming of the animal kingdom on this guy's arm and just chilling arms down it doesn't it doesn't need anything else it's it's holding on to his forearm arms down like an archangel that took flight just chilling just hold and the guys oh it hurts how do we get it off the guys are no it it waits they waited till everybody died and then the fucking komodo dragon died and they stopped filming no but then they ranked the fucking pain there was a dent in the fucking guy's arm there was a dent in the guy's

arm they went all in so that's what my fucking point is go all in dude that's why i don't play video games i can't go all in i dick around i put okay i'm done dude but i did i'll tell you what man when all this shit went down when i had nothing to do um kristin and i were like let's get video games so we we did well i was like I never really liked video games, but let's try and play video games. We got this game that we both agreed on. We can't agree on a video game because I want to play the ones where you fucking shoot people's faces off and she wants to play the ones that are about like flowers

jumping on top of buildings or some shit. No, let's play Plants vs. Zombies. And I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake, you know? And so we got the uh this game we finally figured out a game that we agreed on because we googled them all and it was this game called a way out and it's a game where you're in jail and you have to help each other break out You're in jail and you have to help each other break out and then help each other find the guy that put you there. And then at the end of the game, spoiler alert.

Well, before I even get to the spoiler alert, it's a fucking cool game. It's kind of like one of those games that I don't like because you really just have to hit the button when they say hit the button. It's like, that's why I don't like Guitar Hero because it's you just you're not you're not shredding you know and people are like it's like you're just hitting the buttons when you see hit the button thing like the games like street fighter aren't like that you do the shit you hit whatever you want to hit whenever you want to hit it call of duty you shoot whoever you want to you go around wherever you want to but this game was like it was like oh fucking remove the crate from the from the door and you got to walk up and it says hit x and you're just like and the guy's like oh it's kind of heavy you know great walk through the door hit l to unlock door and you're just like and just because the graphics are so good and the guy's nose looks real you're like whoa

you know um but i'm just like you're just hitting but these people are telling me to fucking buttons and i'm just doing it like a fucking lab rat, you know? Anyway, it was fun though to play it with her because it was like a bonding thing through this really emotional time in our lives. And we thought it was just going to be like a run and gun them fucking help each other out. Hey, fucking you drive, I'll shoot the guys behind us kind of game, you know? And those parts were very far, few and far in between. But it was like, we started getting invested in the storyline and shit. We were like, oh, that's who did it.

Okay, cool. Well, you go into that house while I talk to his wife and see what the fucking, see what happened. And then it would split screen. And like, I'd be like, kind of sneaking my eyes over at her thing but really I'd be like fucking doing my business and like moving clothes over so I can get some documents ah what move clothes box hit box retrieve document document are two and

I'm just like you talking to his wife she's like I have to read the subtitles and I'm like I got the documents I'll just chill I'll meet you back near the motorcycle and then so we're like invested, not only in the game, but like we're with each other on the couch,

and we're forgetting all of the fucking pain, not all of it because it's right there, and it was hard, you know, to deal with, and it is hard to deal with, but we've got something that we're focusing on instead of, you know. And at the end of the game, spoiler alert, you find out that you have to kill each other. and we've played this whole game bonding and becoming closer as the characters and as the people on the couch that we are

and now it's like kill each other hit x and i'm like, and I look at her and she's like, what? And I'm like, we have to kill each other? And she says, with the straightest face, and I'm not lying to you, I'm not trying to make this funny, but tears well up in her eyes. And she looks at me, not the character looking at the character. She looks at me on the couch and she says, I can't do it. And I say, it's just a game. And the tears fall down her cheeks, not lying for humor. This is true. And she says, says i'm not gonna fucking kill you and i'm like well just no now i'm trying to make her feel better about this fucking shit ass game and i'm like why don't you just how about this you take the control you just put, just take the controller.

I'll put it down and you just, you kill me. It's fine. And she's like, I can't fucking kill you. I don't even care if it's just a video game. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to kill you in video game. Just like I'm going to kill you in real life. Crying hard.

Even the dogs are like, what the fuck is she doing? Even the dogs are like, what the fuck is she doing? And I'm talking about like, and obviously she's crying a lot. And I was even starting a tear up because she was crying. But obviously we had our own shit going on at that moment. It was six months ago. But I didn't know what the solution was because I'm like, well, I'm not going to fucking kill you if you're not even going to. She threw the controller down. I'm like, it'm not going to fucking kill you if you're not even going to she put the she threw the controller down I'm like it's just like shooting somebody

with no gun it's like in the wild west it's like that's not there's no respect in that so I'm sitting there with X and I'm like do I have to I can't do it pick up your controller and she goes I'm not doing it I knew she wasn't going to do it so I fucking grabbed her controller and I fucking

killed my character. And then we both fucking, and we both fucking cried together. Because of fucking goddamn workers at Capcom. You know what I mean? Or whatever it is. Workers at Capcom, you know what I mean? Or whatever it is. These fucking shithole workers at Capcom that are just like... Putting circuits into fucking...

Yeah. Some guy with like... Well, you know, it's actually much more realistic if the shadow's on the left, you know, because the light source is coming from the other side these fucking guys would just so you know i'm just saying we could have the shadow at where it was but it makes me laugh because it's completely fucked up and and i'm fucking we're sitting here holding each other crying because i took her fucking controller and i killed myself on the fucking thing that they created and they don't even know about it maybe now they do this podcast is pretty big um anyway yeah

so we were all in on that game oh i was talking about shack dude it's just yeah i don't i don't even know if i had more to say about that. How long have I been going, by the way? How long has it been? 52? We said, wow. Has it been good? I don't even know.

Okay. All right. I don't know anymore. I don't know anymore. I don't know what's good or what's bad. I don't even know if I'll ever fucking do stand-up again I'll tell you what When I go fucking do stand-up

I don't give a fuck I'm gonna bomb and I hope I fucking bomb I don't give a shit I don't give a shit I tried to make you motherfuckers laugh for too long I'm just gonna go on stage And I'm gonna fucking I'll bomb, dude

I will bomb after a guy that kills I don't care I don't care I'll bomb, dude. I will bomb after a guy that kills. I don't care. I don't care. I'll go on after the fucking killer and I'll go on and I'll do a monologue like it's in goddamn Romeo and Juliet. I don't care. There won't be laughs. Come see me. Let's all fucking talk. Let's all fucking cry. I don't give a shit. Um, you rock with me. You rock with me with it with it all dude you rock with all of it because i'm i'm all in because you got it you got to be dude like those motherfuckers who did the stampede for the fucking carmine jordans dude stampede they fucking those guys who want the shoes they fucking run in they run the fucking they

run in they move there when when my son sees something he wants in in a in a in a at a at a in in the house or whatever boom he sees it he's crawling it's, move other shit. Move. It's just shoelaces and fucking gumballs. Just moving, moving them. It's like fucking until he gets that shit. That's the shit you got to get back to, dude. You let life fuck it up for you. You second guess and you don't pay attention to your instincts, man. And you don't pay attention to your instincts, man.

And you become this fucked up shit of like what society has made you, you know? I hate even saying society is so annoying at this point. But like you got to get to the point where you're just that fucking kid getting that shoelace. Do you know know i'm talking about you're just that 13 month old with your eyes on fucking daddy's shoelace over in the corner it's not a toy you don't give a fuck that's what you want you move your toys and you get that shit it's a shame it's impossible to be that way it It really is. As a fucking 30, 40, 50-year-old, it's impossible to be that way. Because you have, you know, you live for other people. But you got to find the mix at least.

That's what those guys are doing when they're letting the fucking wasps sting them, man. They're zoning in on that shoelace. Do you understand what I'm saying? They're zoning in on that shoelace. Do you understand what I'm saying? Either be like that or be Shaq and just be like, I don't give a fuck. I'll just hawk everything. He's got $400 million.

He's still talking to a fucking cartoon with a big mustache on fucking General's Auto Assurance. So I think I'm done with the pens. I don't know. It would be fun. I should wear them out. I should wear them out to see if they work

with just like a little bit of piss. Just in my skinny jeans, but really puffy on my front. Like I'm fucking Winnie the Pooh. Just fucking fat, a fat, you know, like I got a fat piece of shit gut. One time when I was in college, I went nyu for a year until i realized that fucking blue blue blue shit blue shit i didn't like it i don't like i didn't like college i hated school dude i fucking hated school and uh you don't need to do school you know you need to do like up to like seventh grade. And then it's like, I got to do what equation?

You're like, you're fucking 16. And you're like, I got, I got to do, I, I, I'm sorry.

I got to do, I got to read their eyes. We're watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. Why? Cause of what? Oh, cause I'm going to forget it in fucking four months why why what's it gonna tell me all right i'm not even mature enough to know about the fucking life about what it means and uh

and so uh i hated school man you got to do it up until like seventh grade my son when he grows up he gets to eighth grade he's like dad i don't want to do it anymore i go like this don't do it don't do it but figure out what the fuck you're gonna do in life because i would have been a fucking comedian from jump dude i would have been a comedian from jump i was i'm just sitting in fucking math class trying to make dumb jokes and getting grounded for it. This is the fucking shit that I made money on. This is my career.

I'd be in my parents' bedroom late at night trying to make them laugh. And they'd be like, go to fucking bed. This is the shit that I fucking, now I made a living off of it. Um, but my point is I hated school and i went to nyu to appease my parents because i thought you know what i should fucking give it a shot

and i did and i went and i just like was ending the year was ending and i knew i wasn't going to go back and my roommate actually i shouldn't say his name because i don't want to fucking i don't even know if he's alive even at this point but he was a guy who i realized like 12 years later would tell me all the time about fucking osama bin Laden and how good he was. I went to college before 9-11. Okay. So this is why the name Osama bin Laden didn't ring any bells. But this kid who was from, I don't know, some other country, I don't even remember at this point,

but would tell me multiple times during the year about Osama bin Laden and how good he was. Oh. osama bin laden and how good he was oh and i would just be like yeah some of them fucking okay i don't know this fucking guy all right whatever but i forgot about it until i remembered it like 12 years later and i was like this motherfucker my roommate was like worshiping osama bin laden that's the motherfucker who did oh i'll be fucking damned didn't know and i remember he would just had this attitude of you're a you're a stupid fucking guy you know to me like i got a room with you he would laugh at my jokes sometimes but you're a fucking stupid fucking fucking guy is how he would like

talk to me like no matter what he was saying it was you're a stupid fucking guy like he would be like are you going out tonight and i would be like maybe i might go out with my friends from tish and instead of the actual feeling of the question are you going out tonight he would be saying you're a stupid you're a stupid fucking guy you know and i would answer it and i would be mad because i know he was thinking you're a stupid fucking guy and i would still try to make him laugh though because i was like i'm gonna make him laugh and i'm gonna make him laugh because he fucking doesn't like me and if i can make him laugh and I'm going to make him laugh because he fucking doesn't like me. And if I can make him laugh, then I'm good at making people laugh. And one time I was, he was trying to go to bed and I was keeping him up because I wanted to make him laugh.

And I did a joke where I was singing that, started singing that song, that silk song where where it was fucking, you know that song? I could play it. Man, I don't use this fucking soundboard when I'm, I'm not going to start using the soundboard anymore, but the, I'll just play it. It's not like, uh, lick you. This is the fucking, I can only play it for like a few seconds, right? Do you remember this song? Freak Me.

Okay. And in this song, it goes, let me lick you up and down. Dude, let me lick you up and down dude let me lick you up and down and i and i sang and i was doing a joke where i sang the song and he was like oh chris shut up shut up chris shut up he was saying it for like 10 minutes and i was like let me lick you up and down until you say stop and he just goes stop and i fucking fell out dude i was already laying down so i didn't fall so i didn't fall down but dude he just in his accent wherever he was from he just says stop and i laughed until sunrise dude it was so it was one of those moments that just hit you it was one of those moments honestly that hit you it was one of those moments

honestly that just gets you here gets you right here it was like eating a1 and just fucking gets you here gets you right here um dude it was so fucking funny and i laughed so hard and then he started laughing and we became friends for fucking five minutes dude and then his president blew up the fucking world trade center so yeah and then the president of his town osama bin laden blew up the fucking world trade center so thanks a lot thanks a lot man but we enjoyed those five minutes it's about finding common ground you know it's about finding common fucking ground even with the guy who worships the guy who's the president of the fucking world trade center bombing that moment let me lick you up and down until you say stop stop and i fucking

ah and he oh on the 14th floor of union hall in fucking nyu wow dude almost 4 000 people died on that fucking day um so anyway dude that's it. I'm done. I fucking, and let me tell you something, man. This podcast, I got, you know, this was actually, I didn't know, it was funny, but it got a little bit real too. And like, it's just, I don't know, some of the episodes are going to be like that.

And what's that say, Wazen? No, what's it say? Wazen? Wazen? No, what does it say? Wazen? Wazen? Fucking write better. It looks like a ransom note. She's trying to remind me of a fucking story. It says, Matt Wazen.

I don't even know what the fuck that means. Just, like, say it. Yeah, I know. Oh, when it happened? Oh, just... Jesus Christ. Okay. Matt, she says,

Matt was in New York City when 9-11 happened. Oh, yeah? Hey, guys. My brother Matt was in it. Anyway, my brother Matt was in New York City when 9-11 happened. Isn't that fucking great? Isn't that great for this podcast? No, he does have a cool story about it, but I'll let him tell it on his podcast.

So anyway, that's it. So look, sign up. We got the Patreon. It's live. It's patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. You can go sign up. Support your boy. And you can check out all the different shit on there.

And you can sign up for whatever you want to. I appreciate you, dude, listening, and I appreciate the support. If you want to sign up for the Patreon, great. If you don't, fucking don't. I love you guys, man. Thanks for listening.

Bye-bye. I love you guys, man. Thanks for listening. Bye-bye. Congratulations! Thank you.