Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 18. Shout Out To All The Pear

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

Hey! It's the 18th episode! Chris is back in LA! On today's show, Chris talks about Rick Ross. Also discussed: people debating about burgers, guys who rap in public, getting back into Jiu Jitsu with Joel Gerson, Katy Perry & Migos, and a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate and review on iTunes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply What's up, my babies? I am so happy right now because i am back in los angeles and i love toronto but i don't i don't have to be there anymore and what i mean by i don't have to be in toronto anymore is i don't have to be out of uh my home so i got two weeks here uh and then i go on the road a little bit. So check the website,

chrisdalia.com for tickets. I'm going to be going a bunch of different places. And Man on Fire, the Netflix special of mine comes out on June 27. But right now I'm talking to you babies and appreciate you. But I'm back in Los Angeles, and I had a blast in Toronto. I really did. I had a great time. I hung out with my buddy who was a – a lot of you guys know. I know Brian Callen. He hooked me up with his buddy, Joel, and we hung out, man.

We were fast friends, new best friends immediately. You know when you meet somebody and you're just like oh cool uh this guy's my you know like you get like a like a guy crush or whatever the fuck you're like ah cool i'll just hang out with this guy and fuck all the other friends but i didn't even have any other friends that i could have even hung out with because i don't know anybody in toronto so i fucking hung out with him and he is a uh he owns a few jujitsu schools and some mma schools and so i went there and he you know i used to do jujitsu uh for like six years and um and he was like just come you know you don't because i had a lot of downtime during the movies and he was like come come do the show do the the class and i was like i don't know and but anyway i was fucking i did i took an uber

up there i met him up there and i did did a class and um it was crazy to put on the uniform again and uh i don't know he was like maybe it'll ignite the flame and you can do uh you can do it about get back when you get back in la and i think i would i might i was texting with my buddies asking them good schools and shit in la or in hollywood but i got the fucking like beginner like i mean dude i haven't rolled in like 10 years and i got the beginner like uh what do you call it um um uh blisters on my hands and my feet and it was like i'm talking about like i i was limping like that's how dorky it was like i took one class i got back into one class and did some fucking throws and some some uh grappling and my feet hurt like I'm some old lady. Um, but, uh, yeah, so I did that and it was

cool. Uh, I, I, I rolled with this other purple belt. I'm a blue belt in Brazilian jujitsu, uh, which sounds even so silly to say, because I've been so, I haven't done it in so long, but I rolled with this purple belt and he kind of took care of me uh because he probably could have murdered me so thank you for that um his name is Mark thanks Mark um so yeah but it was cool man uh it was called uh Revolution MMA up in Toronto it's a good spot it's actually an awesome spot teacher's name is joel joel he's a buddy of mine now and um you should check it out if you're in toronto and if you're into it um and uh tape your feet up if you're a beginner because you're gonna get to fucking

bruises but anyway whatever uh i uh so now L.A. And it's nice out. And I'm fucking happy. I landed in L.A. literally just now. And I'm here. I drove past In-N-Out. You know what I'm sick of here? And I thought about this a lot too in the past week because i started seeing like blogs and um and uh new like all these like the best burgers

in la the best burgers and this and that here's the deal man in and out's the best period it's the best this is not a commercial i'm just telling you it's been around forever and it's it's a great burger especially if you're talking about fast food it doesn't even feel like fast food i mean it is technically but like it just is the best okay now here's the deal all these other burger places pop up they all pop up you got the five guys you got you know the gourmet fast food style kind of you know they're they pretend they're gourmet but they're fast food then you got the real gourmet then you got the fast food fucking chains you got this new place now everybody jumps on the fucking bandwagon as soon as five guys came out all these fucking motherfuckers were talking about oh five guys is

better than in and out five guys is the best now and it's not and then because everybody has that hive mentality they all go to it and they're like oh man gotta try five guys on five guys is this shit everybody likes to find the new thing first you know like the band like oh yeah i know i liked them before they got popular in and out is the best so now it's shake shack everybody won't shut the fuck up about shake shack my friends are texting me have you tried shake shack i see blogs shake shack's the best it's better than in and out in and out fucking everybody won't shut the fuck up about Shake Shack my friends are texting me have you tried Shake Shack I see blogs Shake Shack's the best it's better than In-N-Out In-N-Out fucking in their bullshit fries fuck you dude you're gonna you're gonna forget about Shake Shack you're gonna forget about it in in two years and everyone's gonna still be eating In-N-Out and that's the thing I

don't like the most is when people just jump on the fucking thing and pretend like it's the shit and they don't even know why they're thinking it's the shit but then two years later they forget that it's the shit and then they go back to the old shit that's the thing that drives me nuts that's that shit i don't like it drives me fucking nuts dude oh this is the new thing it's the best thing and then they move on to on to the next on on to the next on to the next on on to the next that movie that j that song that jay-z did was a and kanye did was about in and out i don't like it oh have you tried the new thing, though? That is like the old thing.

That's better than the old thing. And then, oh, whoops, forgot about it. Never mind. Like the old thing. Yakuta. Definition of a Kuta. Definition of a Kuta. I can't deny it.

I'm a fucking writer. You don't want to fuck with me. Definition of a cooter. Tupac, dude. What? No, no, no. It was Tupac before Fabulous. My producers tell me it's Fabulous.

It's not. Fabulous goes with the, I i can't deny it i'm a fucking writer but tupac had it first he went i can't deny it I can't deny it. I'm a fucking cuda. Oh, man. Stick with the In-N-Out or Yeet Cuda. Dude, I don't like it. I don't like it.

I don't like it. Fidget spinners? Put them in your butthole. Spin them around. Hey, fidget spinners, dude. They're selling them everywhere. Dude, I was shooting in this food mart and they were selling fidget spinners. You food mart.

Hey, can I eat these? No? Then don't have them here. Also, don't have them anywhere. Fidget spinners. Hate the word fidget. Hate the word spinners. Put them together. Sell it. The most annoying thing in the world. It's nothing. Do you like nothing? You'll love fidget spinners. Fucking fuck that. You just hold them. What? do you fucking do something with it no why the fuck do people like shit that spins you know that's so dumb wow talk about cuda for real

i mean dude you like shit that spins you fucking idiot remember the fucking spinners on the car the wheels and then people remember, didn't Iverson or some, somebody had it in their shoe by your shoes. Don't have wheels on them. Somebody had spinners in their shoe. It was like Latrell Sprewell or some shit. It was some like sixth man. Spinners in his shoe. It was Sprewell. And then, now they just have the spinners. You can just hold them.

God, what the fuck? Fidget spinners. Fidget, you know? What fucking moron? What genius came up with that shit are you a genius though if you cater to morons like i kind of feel that way about like dj cadillac like he's kind of a genius because of the empire he built but also who like actually likes dj callid social media like i'm not talking about his music. Fine. He produces some really great beats. But when he's like, when you watch his Snapchat and he's like, you know, or Instagram and

he's like, they didn't want me to do this with Michael Jordan. So I did it with Michael Jordan. Like, and people are like, there's people that actually don't think that that's funny and think like yo fuck that's inspirational and like that's dumb as fuck like there's businessmen that don't say dumb shit like that and he knows he's he knows what he's doing so I don't think he's dumb but like I like DJ Khaled because it's funny to me. And I think that he knows that. And that makes me like DJ Khaled.

But if you're not of that mindset, and if you think DJ Khaled is like, if you're like, DJ Khaled is like another one. And you're like, dude, that actually is another one. You're a fucking moron. You know, you're the guy who buys the fidget spinner. Imagine somebody fucking spinning the fidget, listening to it, and DJ Khaled's like,

another one. And then you're spinning the fidget and you're like, actually, yeah, that fucking is actually another one. That whole culture is amazing, though. Just hip-hop culture. I was at Starbucks was at starbucks um

what do you call it uh like two days ago and um this dude i was sitting down having a coffee reading a script actually doing something i look to my left and there's a guy with a laptop open and he is rapping with headphones on like softly but definitely too loud because i could hear him and other people could tell but not loud like he was probably like i'm sending a bit of a band and a bounce there like that's too loud anywhere except your house or a studio and um i looked over because he was rapping and he was like looking at his phone and the computer and on the computer it said like it it was a page and it had the world the word world and it and it was showing him what rhymed with the word world. Eh, you're not a rapper.

Okay, dude. I mean, a bunch of shit rhymes with world. This guy looked up what rhymed with world, and he wasn't four. Dude, he had his phone out, his computer out four dude he had his phone out his computer out was looking at his phone his computer had his itunes on and the fucking what rhymed with world and that that page remained on for like a half an hour i was there i just wanted to lean over and be like twirled and he was rapping and like at first of all so many things you're not a rapper because of this you're not a rapper because you had to look up what rhymed with world period you're not a rapper

because you had to look up what rhymed with anything number three you're not a rapper because you're rapping at starbucks okay also you had your phone out and your computer out and that's too many things to have out this guy was probably rapping about like you know guns and shit too and like stealing your bitch at starbucks it was amazing it was crazy dude it was all it was pretty fucking awesome that guy's probably gonna be the next big thing the fuck i know next toronto fucking ting dude i can't fucking believe how many people talk about drake in toronto

and if you're listening and you're in tor, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. And if you think like, well, it's not actually really yet is dude. You can't go anywhere without somebody not mentioned Ning Drake. It's un-fucking-believable. Somebody fucking told me he was Drake's cousin. Bro, here's the deal. If you're Drake's cousin, you can't tell people you're Drake's cousin that you just met. Because even if you are, everyone thinks you're lying and you should know that. I'm Drake's cousin. Oh, really? I go like this in my head.

No, you're not. Oh, okay. So I'm an asshole? So I don't believe you. Now everything that comes out of your mouth from now on is a lie the devil is a lie isn't that a fucking Rick Ross I know it's a fucking already something

but I love how these rappers will just start on some shit they'll hear some quote and they'll be like the devil is a lie and then fucking white chicks will be like the devil is a lie and then and then fucking white chicks will be like the devil is a lie rick ross dude shout out to fucking pears didn't he say wasn't it pears shout out to all the pears with no shirt on shout out did he say shout out shout out to fruit no don't do that the fruit's not gonna be like oh that's dope

shout out to the pear shout out to all the pear wow the devil is a lie my english teacher was a lie shout out to all the pair oh my god i think we're gross you get more tattoos though dude i've been thinking about seriously getting i want to i do want tattoos i want like cool like hand tattoos though and neck tattoos so people know not to fuck with me oh fuck yo i was thinking i was wondering actually like you know how like if you meet a girl guy guys you know how if you meet a girl and like you know pretty much nine times out of 10

or 19 times out of 20 you know pretty much they're like i know what you want you know and you're like well you know yeah or you know sometimes you're like you got different guys you know you're like sometimes the guy's like yeah i want that so that's how i'm a guy you know we want to fucking have sex or like some guys will be like the total opposite and be like, well, no, not necessarily. If we hit it off, we hit it off, and I would like a connection. And then possibly five, six dates, maybe we can see how it works and explore. And then you got all in between, and you're like, okay, whatever. whatever um but the girl pretty much nine or 19 times out of 20 is like wants to test it out of course like a lot of girls have only slept with like seven guys you know a lot of girls have only

slept with like seven guys and they're like 26 or you know even if you're like 21 some girls have slept with like six dudes you know some chicks will be like i haven't slept with anybody since december and you're like god damn right girls will literally be like i haven't had sex in seven months and guys will be like oh i cannot have sex for seven months right like it's just a different fucking thing right but i was like wondering, if you're like, cause I don't know this and I'm very ignorant, but like,

if you're a girl and you are attracted to women and, and you date women, like, do they do the long play or do they just do like, ah, fuck it. Like, we'll just like,

fuck. Cause we don't have to deal with dudes. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't, I haven't thought about this fully, and I'm a very ignorant person when it comes to this, because I'm not a girl, and I'm obviously not a lesbian. But like, do they say, or is there one that's the aggressive one that's like, I want that pussy, and the other one's like, I know what you want,

but that's bullshit, because that pussy and the other one's like i know what you want but that's bullshit because that's not just what she wants because a woman wired differently you know is it like they're acting like it like one one acts like the dude part i get it one's like the more like or or is it not are the two chicks that are just like i like to think that there's like two chicks that are like i know what you want and the other one's like i know what you want and then they just literally never fuck ever because they're both got that side eye shit going on we just couldn't make it happen because one of us wouldn't be the aggressor so just i figured like i knew what you wanted and she knew what i wanted so we just never did it and we just just kind of chill. And we watch friends on Netflix.

The devil is a lie. I mean, that's hilarious to think of two chicks that are like, I'm not giving it up because every chick's been burned, you know? Of course. I mean, dudes have been burned too. But all chicks have been burned. And my favorite thing is when a girl acts like, since they've been burned, that like they're different than other girls. That actually drives me nuts. Like, well, because, you know, I've been cheated on and I've been, you know, I've had a lot of, you know, I had a guy that didn't treat me with respect. And it's like, yeah, that's bad. Of course, I'm not trying to minimize it, but you're not special.

You think you're the fucking die-cut embossed upper deck? Drew Bledsoe rookie card? You think you're foil embossed? Hey, I got a question. You non-limited Fleer, Ultra, Barry Bonds card? Or you chick? You woman with

thoughts and likes and dislikes? Or you fleer ultra card? Every girl's been fucking fucked around. Every guy's been fucked around, you you know unless you're like some super alpha but chicks are just like i'm not no i'm not i'm not going through this again

like it's not fucking you know fallujah i'm not trying to say heartbreak is real or i mean even though it's not you know know, like what is love? Sadiq. Eh, Dalai Lama. All I'm really trying to say is the devil is a lie. And shout out to pear. By the way, if you say the devil is a lie and shout out to pear gone, you're gone. You said nothing in your whole life. Basically pick one.

Pick one, man. gone you're gone you said nothing in your whole life basically pick one pick one man you can't say the devil is a lie and also shout out to pear imagine talking to somebody and they're like you're in a real conversation you're like yeah and you're like god this guy's cool and he's like and he's like the devil is a lie and you're like you know what the fucking devil is a fucking lie right and then he says shout out to pear and you catch a video of him on instagram fucking lounged up on a gurney or whatever the fuck he was and he was like shout out to pear oh fuck i listened to this guy come on let's look at that let's look up that shout out to all the pear

it's got to be on youtube it's got to have fucking six million views rick ross god you got to sign up for everything i go on to youtube want to sign up for youtube brad you go to fucking hulu want to sign up for hulu did you here we go You go to fucking Hulu. Want to sign up for Hulu? Did you? Here we go. I mean, why does this happen, man?

The fucking video is six seconds long. The first thing I click on has got 2.1 million things, and it's fucking three minutes and 30 seconds, and there's going to be some nerding glasses talking about how, well, you know, Rick Ross. He he actually said shout out to all the pair and we got to the bottom of it there's no bottom of it asshole i fucking can't stand that shit when you go to click on the music video and you're like oh cool here's the new future video and then you go click on it and it's like some it's some it's always some either dude it's either some fucking dude that looks like he would be on a verizon commercial one punch or it's a fucking mixed raced chick that's like kind of thick with like crazy makeup on and a blowout one punch okay dude and and she's like we got so we're here to talk about rick ross and how he came in and said pair

what's the deal with pair well the video started and it originated by i just want to see the fucking video and you know that and now you fucking click baited me and i'm fucking watching your bullshit and i have to watch an extra ad on youtube dude you know what for real the devil is a lie and that's what that is man don't fucking add to it don't fucking be the devil is a lie and then show me the fucking shout out to all the pair video in the mix with all your fucking verizon wireless fucking bullshit wireframe glasses with your button-down short-sleeve shirts that i fucking can't stand dude if you have a button-down short-sleeve shirt you're fucking mixing up the game dude either have a long-sleeve shirt or a fucking short-sleeve either have a long sleeve shirt or a fucking short sleeve

shirt have a long sleeve button down or a short sleeve shirt dude don't have a short sleeve button down shirt that's insane to me that's like if you're fucking driving a truck and you have the fucking flatbed cover on it bro you bought a truck live with that fucking decision if you buy a truck and then have the flatbed on it dude i can't trust you bro the devil is a lie rick ross has a fucking truck with a flatbed and the flat cover on it and you know he does with his fucking buttoned down short sleeve shirt dude that shit i i can't get behind that shit i i actually can't get behind that shit i can't get behind that shit man if i see it it irks me man look here's another one youtube.com slash tim west this is how it starts i want to watch the fucking him say shout out to Pear. Look.

We're fucking eight seconds in and I got some graphics. Here we go. Is this it? And of course my internet won't work. Here we go. Here we go. my internet won't work here we go here we go my internet won't work well this dude's lounging look how hard he's lounging why does rick ross's face look skinny as shit but his body's big he looks like a photo a permanent photoshop in real life the devil is a lie dude and no internet oh dude is there anything that makes like us more mad if if like we have houses and shit obviously if we don't have running water and stuff that we

have bigger problems but that internet doesn't work i eat pears now and shit like that. Shout out to all the pear. That's so dumb. Oh my God. I eat pear and shit like that now. Shout out to all the pear. Dude, and his smile. You gotta look it up. You gotta look up his smile too.

He looks like a kid. I eat pears now and shit like that. Shout out to all the pear. shit like that shout out to all the pear i eat pears now and shit like that shout out to all the pear dude i mean like and the fucking guy who's interviewing him is like just some guy that looks like he would be on like somebody that somebody would interview on like vice that like lives in like rural fucking uh tennessee Tennessee. I eat pear now, shit like that. Shout out to all the pear.

Oh, my God, dude. I want to know. I bet, actually, that that's, I mean, any publicity is good publicity. I bet fucking pear people bought, literally eight pairs because of that, like without knowing subconsciously. Shout out to all the pair. Why does he sound like that? I'm sorry, but.

There's no shit like that. Shout out to all the pair. And he does like a hip hop point like then a surfer dude thing like it's badass like he's saying shout out to fucking his girl shut up i eat pears and shit like that i guess that means fruit right also pears like, that's not really the healthiest thing. Like, there's a lot of sugar in fruit, you know? Kale would have been good. I guess he lost a lot of weight, though. That's what that was about, right?

Yeah. God, he must have been big. Because he was, I mean, this guy's saying he looks skinny. Which I guess, because Rick Ross came out. You know, I didn't like that hustling song every day i'm hustling and then i started to like rick ross after that some of his shit was real good um oh fuck shout out to all the pears wow oh fuck i actually laughed really fucking hard, man.

Internet shit is so dumb, right? The shit that comes, the shit that gets big, you know? Like that shooting stars meme now? That fucking... And dude's just flying around in outer space. If you don't know that meme, look it up. But that makes you want to buy the song. It's crazy how that happens.

Like I bought that fucking mannequin challenge song because I liked the song because I saw all the mannequin challenge things. Ray Srummond, I found out that it's fucking, backwards is drummer's ear. Ray Srummond or whatever is drummers ear that's race rummer hey how about just drummers ear that's what

I'm gonna call him race rummer nah couldn't be more sound more drunk hey race rummered hey race rummers hey you know who's gonna play tonight race rummers hey you know who's gonna play tonight race rummers who else the pair guy what's the fucking

black beetle me and paul mccurney related not what that means not what that means black Not what that means. Black beetle, me and Paul McCartney related. No. Doesn't mean you're related to one of the Beatles because you said you're a black beetle. These fucking people will be like,

that's clever. Shout out to all the pear. I eat. Like that. Shout out to all the pear. I eat pears now and shit like that. Shout out to all the pear. Oh, my God, dude. airs now and shit like that shut up all the pair oh my god dude somebody make that a song um so

yeah so the shooting stars meme thing happened and i watched it a lot and then it came on while i was working out the other day and i like worked out harder because of it but had i not seen those memes i wouldn't have fucking worked out harder. Oh man. We're all fucking susceptible to that bullshit. That's the thing, dude. We're all fucking six. We're not better than it. Nobody's better than it. I make fun of it, but I'm not better than it, man. I like a song. If you play it enough, I'll fucking like it. I that's it. I'm a little bitch boy, dude. I don't, I'm not better than it. I'm a little bitch boy, dude. I don't, I'm not better than it.

Ah, nah, nah, I'm not into it. I hear fucking Katy Perry. Is it Katy Perry? Why does she spell her name Katy? Katy, put a fucking I in there. She's the shit. Her voice is great. By the way, everyone was giving her shit for dancing like that with Migos.

That's not any different than any other buddy dances. I feel like it was a slow meme day. And they just like, fuck that. I want to dance like that with Migos? That's not any different than any other buddy dances. I feel like it was a slow meme day, and they just like, fuck that. I want to dance like that. You know what? I like Katy Perry, man. I mean,

I like Rihanna. She's been dressing like, with the fucking big clothes. She looks like she shrunk. She's been drinking. She looks like she shrunk. She's been drinking. She got shorter or something. She looked like she fucking ate too many pear and just lost some weight. She's been eating pears and shit like that.

Shout out to all the pears. You know what I'd love to see? Rick Ross and Garth Brooks talking in a room together. That would be, I bet that would be absolutely, I bet Jesus Christ would be like, no, no, no, no, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. No, no, no, no. I didn't mean for this to happen. When I made Rick Ross, I forgot about Garth Brooks.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. When I made Rick Ross, I forgot about Garth Brooks. Don't put them in the same room together. I forgot there was a Garth Brooks. It's just so hard to be in touch when you got all that shit man also how many uh pears does rick ross eat that he would say i eat pears and shit like that shout out to all the pear how many pears every day i guess it would be every day at least i feel like he didn't though and he's just like saying like

i don't know what i'm even talking about anymore i don't know what i'm talking about about a guy who doesn't know what he's talking about so whatever whatever yeah man I don't know what else I'm happy to be back I was in when I was in Toronto I was working on this movie by the way the movie is called Life in a Year and it's a drama

it's with Cara Delevingne and Jaden Smith and Cuba Gooding Jr. and RZA and Nia long and me and um it's a drama it's a very heavy drama uh so your boy's fucking spreading his wings you know shout out to all the wings. But so, and I was happy to do it. And it's a wild part. And it was cool, man.

Everybody on the set was really nice and really good. And I got to work with, meet and work with Cara and Jaden. And one day with Cuba. So, and Nia Long, I spent some time with, who's the fucking biggest sweetheart ever. And RZA. And Jaden and Cara are very fucking cool, fun people to be around. I know people think that Jaden, like, is crazy on social media and shit. But the guy's like a fucking sweetheart. And I think he's just doing that to be funny.

I mean, the guy's like a cool dude and we hit it off um i like that kid man he's he's a good kid i say kid because he's 18 i think and i'm 37 and that's uh very weird to me just that there's somebody even that much younger than me now you know you get older and you just that what happens. That's just so crazy to me. Remember when you were the kid? Remember that? When you were the kid? You're not anymore. How's that? And if you are the kid, you shouldn't be listening to this podcast. But yeah, if you're in your 30s, you're the adult now. I remember one time one of my really good friends this is sad but he got into a motorcycle motorcycle accident and killed him and you know he died he

died in it and he died in it and uh i read the newspaper and it was like 27 year old man gets and i was like man i was like he's a kid we're're kids. And he was my age, you know, when it happened. And I think I was 26, actually. But it was crazy to think that he's a man. And I'm older than that now. I'm 10 years older than that now. Fuck, man. That's just crazy to me.

But, yeah, I had a good opportunity doing that movie and i'm happy because i want to do i want to do fucking dramas man they're funnier than comedies you know real fucking shit is funny as shit um like i want to be in some quirky ass comedy with that where there's a joke where somebody like puts a finger in his butt and then they're like whoops or some guy has sex with a fat chick and it's supposed to be funny get the fuck out of here uh i'm gonna look at these uh hashtags here congratulations here we go uh here we go uh

actually the first one was what's it like to work with jayden which is funny i just said that um uh which do you enjoy more stand-up or acting I missed who that was from and now I can't see. Um, but, um, I, I enjoy, I enjoy standup more because it's just me being able to say what I want to say whenever I want to say it and nobody can edit it. But, um, I will say that now that I've done my third special and I've done a lot of standup on TV and a lot of shows. I mean, thousands of shows, thousands of shows. Uh, I am excited that I just got to do this other movie because it's totally something different than what I would have done. It's not, it wasn't even a comedy. It was like a dramatic role and it was very cool that I got to do that. And it was cool to do

something different. I've always been an actor as well i like them both a lot and i consider myself both um but i don't know uh natalie cass at nat cass are your podcasts pre-thought out or do you make it up as you go i kind of make it up as i go I don't really think about the stuff like that. But yeah, I just kind of make it up because it's stream of consciousness. I feel like it's better that way. If I planned it out, it'd be too bad.

It's kind of how I do my standup too. I'll just go up with kind of random thoughts. Somebody mentioned The Rock here. I think The Rock is the best celebrity. And I want to go on record saying that the guy, I read this article once, um, or I don't even know if it's an article or somebody mentioned it, but they said, uh, that the rock is the female beyond is the male Beyonce. And that's the truth. Dudes love the rock. Like girls love Beyonce. If you don't like the rock, you're a fucking weirdo. And I like The Rock. And here's how dope The Rock is.

He's the only guy that I... Usually when everybody likes somebody, it pisses me off. But not with him. I love how he doesn't take himself seriously. That's what I fucking love about that dude. He's always having a good time and he realizes what he's doing. He's making action movies. He's making comedies. And the guy's a good fucking role model you know he's oh you see videos always of him

being nice to fans um i you know what i like looking at these congratulations pod hashtags is that i really feel like people get me and it makes me happy. Like right here, this is something that doesn't piss me off. I mean, it irks me a little bit, but not that much. Claire Rochon, at Claire, nay, I don't know what that is. But people who say they're singer-songwriters, thoughts, like I guess she's asking me the thoughts on it. That doesn't bug me, but that's definitely something that would bug me like i i feel like in her head she's probably like he'd probably be like hey pick one yeah singer songwriter but like that's not how i feel that way but um but yeah that's good i like how people like get to know the i i when i first started this

podcast i was like a little bit intimidated that people were going to know too much about me and my feelings and shit but that's what my kind of stand-up is anyway um so it made me feel good it makes me feel good now um uh when i was in toronto the last night my my buddy Joel picked me up and we had like this dinner with, uh, him and his friends. Uh, and they're like all grownups and they had their, some of them had their girlfriends with them. And we were just at this apartment, this condo didn't in downtown Toronto. I guess it was downtown. I don't know. near a park but um and uh we did that we all sat around it was like nine of us ten of us and I showed up late with Joel and I realized that I had never been it's been a really long time since I've been in a situation that I didn't know

anybody and I was the fish out of water you know? And whenever I get into that situation, like when I was in my 20s, before I did stand up like early 20s, I would feel so insecure and like, oh shit. Uh-oh. What do I... I hope I don't say something stupid. I hope people don't think I'm an idiot, right? Shit like that. But now I don't give a fuck about that stuff. And it's because I do stand up. Like I do, I go up in front of fucking sometimes thousands of people

that don't, that don't really, you know, some of them are fans of mine, but some of them were dragged there and they don't know me. And I go in and I fucking do it. But a lot of times they're fans of mine. So I have like a leg up at this point. Right. But so it's been a long time since I've walked into a room where a bunch of people weren't my people they were someone else's people and i had to be like okay and i always treated it like oh it's a different uh it's it's an audience it's an audience every fucking group is an audience if you really assemble them in the right way we're all sitting around the table so i'm like if i could just get one or two jokes out you know because they didn't also they didn't like know who i was or cared who

i was you know i think maybe they knew i did stand up but like to them what the fuck's another comedian right was i wasn't fucking kevin hart or uh some other ones that they know the big ones right louis ck so uh i felt that for the first time in a long time i felt like that whole like oh man uh i can't um imagine what it's like this is just what it's like for like people that like i don't go to dinners and shit like that but like i go in and i feel this way and if it for a little bit i got that that feeling of what it felt like when i was in my early 20s and then i just like kind of like realized like okay i'm an adult fuck it they're adults too they probably want me to be a nice guy so they're probably a positive like oh cool another guy so i was like

oh cool these guys are another guy so i just kind of fucking said what i said i made some jokes and then i fit in and i felt good and that fucking that went away but then some girl walked in the apartment and she just walked in because she was the guy's neighbor and she's like asking to borrow something. And I felt what it felt like for her when she walked in. And I was like, fuck, man, this is just some girl. That's just a normal girl. I didn't I actually didn't even really look at her because she was just kind of talking to him. So but I felt that she was there and I kind of like looked at her as she was walking out.

And, you know, I suppose she was an kind of talking to him so but i felt that she was there and i kind of like looked at her as she was walking out and you know i i suppose she was an attractive girl i don't know but like i i because i kind of only saw like the side of her but then she left and then i was like dude that's got to be insane being a girl and walking into a room where guys are there and obviously guys are guys and guys are dogs and they're looking at fucking girls whether you have your girlfriend or not you have that midbrain thing where you're like oh shit a girl i'm activated right to try and impress this person and that's got to be so much pressure for a girl to walk into a room with a bunch of guys and then have all of a sudden all eyes on them like as a, it doesn't matter that much because you can hold your own.

If a guy, like, if you take it back to the caveman days, like if a guy attacked me, I could hold my own, right? But if a fucking girl walks in and there's eight guys in a room, she literally has to think about, oh shit, man, I hope my life's okay. That's fucking incredible to me and it's a shame but that fucking kind of blew my mind and i've thought about this before obviously this isn't

the first time i ever thought about this but i really started thinking about it because dude i mean fuck man you could just steal her if you want you know that's fucking insane nobody's gonna steal me you gotta get the jump on me if you're gonna steal me i'm a six foot two 185 pound guy but a woman you could steal a woman that's fucking crazy man that women always have to have that in the back of their head i hope I don't get stolen. That's the shit that kind of blew my mind. You know? We are different, man.

We are different fucking people. Men and women. Is what I mean. Fucking shout out to all the pair the devil is a lie um this guy wrote matt matthew well it's myth you no no vowels and then his at miguel which is probably they're all versions of his name that's fine but why does your face look like a snapchat face filter even ever since you shaved your beard, which is true, man, dude, I get it, man. I don't want to be shaved, but I had to because I have to fucking back up the Brinks truck in one way or another. And that's how they wanted to back up the Brinks truck to my places that they wanted to offer me this movie part.

So they were like, Hey dude, do you mind shaving? And I was like, well, what are we talking about monetarily? And they were like, well, we're trying to help you back up the Brinks truck, you know, maybe slowly open up your garage and shave your beard. And I was like, okay, I'll shave my beard. And I don't like it. I feel like I look gray. I feel like, you know, dude, if you have a beard and you shave, I feel like I look fucking gray.

I don't like my skin tone. I'm gray. I'm gray. I'm not fucking white. I'm gray. And I don't like my skin tone. I'm gray. I'm gray. I'm not fucking white. I'm gray. And I don't like it. I got to get some color or grow it out. But I'm going to grow it back out again.

And by the way, if I put on my Instagram a picture of me and then you write, hey, you look weird without your beard. Grow your beard back. You get blocked. I don't care. I'm ruthless. Dude, I have a trigger finger block finger man you understand me I'll block you so this is okay why does your face look like a snapchat face filter ever since you shaved your

beard that's fine because it's a joke I'm all for jokes bro hey you look like a fucking Albanian sex trafficker you know some shit Callan says that about me. But if you say something like that, cool. I like this right here. What this guy asked. I'm not going to answer him, but he wrote, first of all, his name is Dave Fuck at Bongboy420. Change it.

Immediately change it before I said that, dude. Dave Fuck with a PH? Bye. That's worse than that other girl who had hers what was her thing was the worst like last episode or two episodes ago i don't remember what it was but this guy writes how much skrill you make last year before taxes love that he said skrill dude that's actually awesome good job won't answer before taxes this guy writes before taxes who asks how much did you make before taxes dave fuck does oh wow

um i was talking about to my friend who is like kind of famous nothing i would say he's less famous than me and he was telling me how many dick pics he got sent to him like on fucking twitter and shit or you know instagram i don't ever get dick pics which is crazy i'm more fucking famous than this guy and i I never get dick pics. I don't want dick pics, but I want to fucking... What's the deal? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong? I've maybe gotten two dick pics in my life.

I know chicks get them, which I understand. But why is that guy getting them? That's my buddy. Yeah, I probably got so many dick pics now, but whatever. I don't care. You know. I think that's about it, man.

Let me answer a few more questions, seeing who's trying to actually game the system for real, in a very real way. Um... A few more questions. Seeing who's trying to actually game the system for real in a very real way. Seems like everyone in LA has a damn customized license plate. Thoughts on this? Morgan Cook, at Morgan Victory. Absolutely change it. No, not Victory.

This is Twitter. That's not a good thing. Change it to Morgan Cook or thing change it to morgan cook or just change it to something else um yeah what do i customize plates um i think customized plates are fucking stupid unless you really go for it like if you got like hot to trot on there then that's awesome and you have a convertible and you're just owning it great but if you just got like a mazda or like a prius and like you got like you know nix fan 200 or something like i mean too many letters but then like what are you doing you paid 50 extra dollars to let people know you're a nicks fan you fucking piece of shit but if you like really

killed it if you're like if you like have a fucking aston martin and on the back it says red to go like then you and you wear sunglasses and you have blonde hair and you're a guy then you're fucking killing it and you wear like a sweater vest my best friend immediately but like don't halfway do shit is basically what i'm saying um no half stepping no half stepping on the back and your car's a fucking beat up old Bronco and like you wear a mock turtleneck and a cowboy hat. Forget it. You're the man. I don't give a shit.

This guy asked about Tinder and I want to talk about Tinder and people that are on dating apps that have not looking for casual, not looking for sex. Well, then get, you're not. My buddy Fahim has a joke. Then get the fuck off Tinder. But it's the truth, man. You're not looking for sex. Don't be on that app that's geared for fucking. They might as well call that app fuck dave fuck they might as well call that

app fuck my hole and you're on it and you're like why am i only finding these guys that want to fuck because you're on the app that fucks tinder raya fuck. Be on that shit, but don't be saying shit like, I'm not on here for hookups. If you're here trying to get a hookup, keep on moving, buster. Delete it. Instantly delete it. Come on, man.

You know what the fuck's going on. Don't act like you don't. come on man you know what the fuck's going on don't act like you don't um i don't know so that's it uh i guess that's it man that's all i'm that's that's it i answered some questions the devil is a lie. Shout out to Pear. And thank you for listening to week 18. My babies, I love you all. Well, no, I don't.

I actually don't because I don't want stalkers to then think like, oh, he loves me and then find out, show up and fucking stab me in the front. But I like a lot of you. So thanks for listening. You guys are my babies. And thanks for staying in my fucking culture congratulations congratulations Congratulations.