Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 184. Gaslight City

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

🎉 Join us on Patreon for the extended episodes! https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  In this week's episode Chris talks about a visit from his OCD, his new favorite bodybuilder, and the ABC network theme. We also enjoy a video chronicling the epic anger of Wally Backman. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Hey guys, welcome to the podcast. Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Here we are. And we are vaccinated, just so you know. And we are, this is like a really great movie, like a Gerard Butler movie that we're living in right now, if you're watching this podcast. because what it is is we are doing this podcast because I feel okay, because I got vaccinated early on today, but there is a countdown here where at any moment I could just start feeling

the effects of the vaccination and I can break out into a cold sweat and get headaches. And I don't have them yet, but by the end of this episode, I may be fucked. So you're with me in real time. It's like that movie, that Johnny Depp movie, Nick of Time is what it is. And is that movie bad? Yes. Have I ever seen it? No. How do I know it's bad? Because. Okay. Uh, because it was called Nick of time and Johnny Depp was the lead and, and I

guarantee you, this is just something I thought of right now i guarantee you his his uh his name in the movie is nick i guarantee you and that's fucking horrible okay um i so anyway it's called nick of time and it's and the whole movie takes place an hour and however many minutes and the whole movie goes it was like the first 24 tv show 24, but in the movie time. And when Johnny Depp was doing an interview, he was like, well, the really cool thing about this movie is that every minute is true to the, you know. And anyway, I left these four water bottles to let you know your boy's hydrating. And he's doing it because supposedly that makes it so the vaccine doesn't, uh, affect you. And now that I'm saying it out loud, I actually realized that that is absolute

horseshit, but, um, I am drinking a lot of water. I've drank and I've drank and I've drunk and I've drunk. I never knew that test, the, the tense of that. And I never will. And I'm only 41, so I could still learn it, but, uh, I'm drinking water anyway. And I drank and I drank and I've drunking a lot of water. So I drank a lot of water. I think that's what it is. And, um, so yeah. Uh, so who knows when I'm going to get fucking cold shivers. Maybe I won't and that'll be fine, but yeah, dude, we're doing it. We're doing a podcast. And that's cool, man. That's pretty fucking cool, dude. I don't know where we should start. But we can start with I got my Yeah, I got my second vaccine already did that. So I got my

second vaccine. And my arm hurts. And I didn't work out. I was going to fucking race home and work out and fucking do it. And I didn't. And I didn't do that. And TMZ tried to come up to me today and say, hey, Chris, what do you think? What do you think? And I go like this. You think I'm going to talk to you? Got in my car.

And dude, yeah, man. And I did it. And I did it and i did it you know what dude when i really think about it um i want to i want to uh say something and uh i want to make sure that i'm not offending this person because I secretly think he's great, but I'm not telling you guys that, but the actor who plays Sawyer on Lost should have his hair short always, and that's it, and that's it, dude, and that's it. He should have his hair short always, and he is a guy who should never have long hair. And that's it, dude.

And no, I don't make the rules. I'm the vessel for the rules to swoop on through me. And they shoot out my mouth and they tell you guys, like a preacher does with Jesus, but I am not religious. And I am not a preacher. But these rules, these rules that come into my, honestly, I think they enter through my anus and they come in and they move through my intestines

and they come up through my esophagus and they fire out to let you guys know the guy who played Sawyer on Lost should have short hair always. Because he looks much better in that fucking new show, whatever he's doing with the girl from Walking Dead. I don't ever know a show's name. I only know the actors in it were in something else.

That's how it is from now on. I think that's what being in your 40s is like. Yeah, it's the show with the girl from Walking Dead. You mean Colony? I don't know. It's the show with the guy from Lost. We used to have the long hair. Colony? I don't know. It's to show what the guy from Lost, we used to have the long hair. Colony.

I don't fucking know. So he should have short hair, and that's that, and I figured that out, and that's all good. And so you're welcome for that. And I'm always here for the hard-hitting issues. Josh Holloway, that's what it is.

Yes, dude. Josh Holloway is, he's cool, dude. i bet that guy's nice as fuck i bet he's nice as fuck he i never heard one story about that guy but i bet he's one of those guys that one of those actors where people have stories on and they're like dude you know josh uh holloway gave um uh who would it be giovanni rabisi when he was coming up Josh Holloway gave Giovanni Ribisi his shoes and Josh Holloway walked home uh and it was like three miles or something like that because Joshua Holloway walks a lot speaking of which dude have I ever talked about this who's that guy Thomas

Jane that's yeah i know i've talked about him i saw him once at an event with fucking no shoes or socks on oh gonna fucking step on a syringe dude he got out confident and as all get out which was i like that but also wear shoes and socks because they're cities now you know what i mean wear shoes and socks because they're cities now and it's not like we all live fucking in tribes here in la but he um he did that and in a way he was my hero and my enemy at the same time because i'm jealous of a guy who does that but also hey guy wear shoes and socks um one time i got out of jujitsu when I was fucking I must have been 24 yeah

and I got out of jujitsu and I didn't have my shoes on and I walked to my dude this is how fucking crazy I am I walked to my car as I was walking to my car I stepped on something and it stung me and I was like oh fuck but I kept walking

I kept walking, got in the car, drove all the way from Wilshire Boulevard to Burbank. Now, for those of you who that don't live in LA, fuck you. You don't get to know how long that is. All right. It's 40, 35 minutes. I'll tell you. And so I got back to Burbank and i hung out for a little bit and then i started thinking about how i hurt my foot and i was like wait a second i just assumed that it was a b but what if it was a syringe and i thought nah it's not because i would have known i would have stepped on the whole needle, it would have been fine, whatever, let the fucking thought get buried for a little bit,

then my OCD goes like this, and I'm like, who is it, and they're like, it's your OCD, and I'm like, I'm sleeping, I'm just going to gonna go back to bed and my OCD is like all right and I'm like okay and then my OCD I'm like god damn it you can't fucking just see what the fuck they want walk over hey hey yeah it's me again no i know what's up hey um you know how you said you thought that uh

maybe it was uh it wasn't a syringe it was a syringe but then you realize it probably wasn't you would have felt the whole mechanism and yeah i remember yeah well what if um just the needle came off and it was on the ground and the mechanism wasn't attached to it um you can still get tuberculosis that way anyway we just wanted to drop by and throw that thought up in your fucking bitch ass head but but go to bed go go back to bed okay i guess i'll drive back my ocd left the door open because they knew i was gonna fucking drive back so i fucking drove back from burbank to fucking Wilshire Boulevard.

Another 35 minutes. Drove all the way back, dude. Got out of the car. And when I got out of the car, I thought, what the fuck am I even looking for? A dead bee? I didn't even know where I stepped, really. I just walked. You're not thinking about where you're stepping.

So I'm fucking tracing my moves back all clean because i already showered from after jujitsu i look like i was i look like i was ready for it i look like a guy that was fucking looking for an ant-sized date he lost just what the fuck and I'm looking on the ground like an asshole, dude. Like my date was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. And I'm just looking. And I look and I look. I'm like, I'm never going to find this fucking.

And sure enough, dude, I shit you not. I look and there is a bee belly up. Dude, there is a bee belly up outside of John Machado's fucking Wilshire Boulevard old fucking dojo or whatever the fuck. And I found it. fucking dojo or whatever the fuck and i found it and my oc and i and when i get back i drive all the way back home happy as shit and i get back into my apartment and i get go to bed and i fucking

my ocd i check in with my ocd and my ocd is like hey i'm just here to help and then my OCD put its hat on and fucking drove away man I drove all the way back to make sure it wasn't a syringe when I knew it wasn't a syringe but my OCD didn't know it wasn't a syringe god OCD sucks

it's part of the reason i'm so fucked up um so anyway dude i i can't believe a snapple bottle remember when that fucking bitch-ass uh commercial was in snapple and the guy would be like it's all mine that really buff guy at the end it's all mine he'd say and you'd he'd be holding the snapple and he'd say it's all mine and and and guy at the end it's all mine he'd say and you'd he'd be holding the snapple and he'd say it's all mine and and and they and it was like why did they cast that fucking guy with no nuts it's all mine wow i wonder if i could find that i bet i could actually i'm gonna look for it if we don't if i can't find it i'm gonna cut i'm gonna i'm gonna cut this part out but here we go i'm gonna go to youtube youtube, YouTube, Snapple, it's all mine,

that's what I'm gonna fucking, man, the internet is amazing, huh, when it's on your side, Snapple, it's all, all mine, here we go, Snapple, it's all mine, commercial, I gotta write commercial, here we go, Snapple, it's all mine, commercial, fucking got it, all right, cool, we got it, go. Snapple, it's all mine commercial. Fucking got it. All right, cool. We got it. We got it, guys. Fucking Ivan Getridov found it. Oh, this is it, dude. Wow. I was a year off. It's 1994. This is it. Nobody's going to think this is funny, but me. Bodybuilder from California rice. Nothing tastes better than a Snapple after an intense workout. Teddy, you lift it, you keep it. No doubt this guy's dead by now, for real. This is a guy who would be dead now.

I love how he doesn't say shit and lifts it up. Snapple, made from the best stuff on Earth. It's all mine. Oh, he was right! Fucking 22 years later, he remembered correctly, dude. He remembered correctly. Oh, and he's got the fucking tank top that is so thin, it's like dental floss, and it exposes his nipples.

Oh, he fucking knows dude he fucking stays knowing he thought he had a bad memory but he doesn't when it comes to fucking commercials in 1994 about bodybuilders because i love it there's one thing i love dude it's dude's bodies and that's for real and also their hair this guy should have short hair as well. He's got long hair. Dude, who has worse hair, honestly, than bodybuilders? For real. It's either too short, and it bounces up and down when they walk,

like this, like bitchy, or their hairline is way far back, and it's long hair. Those are the only two fucking ways bodybuilders have fucking hair dude oh wow it's all mine oh my god that is so this commercial a bodybuilder from calisthenics hi there a bodybuilder dude commercial this commercial is the shit commercials i'll tell you what dude all commercials suck they can never make good commercials except when you look at commercials 25 years ago, then all of a sudden they're good. And I fucking speak the truth on

that, man. Look at any commercial you ever can see right now that's playing currently. Guess what? It sucks. Hey, commercials, be way funnier, be way better, be way more gripping. Don't be too emotional. If you're fucking Budweiser, cool it with the horses. We don't give a shit. Oh, really? You're not curing cancer. Fucking deodorant commercials. Chill, chill. Nobody puts on their fucking deodorant like this. Dude, they always have a guy going from his elbow all the way down to his fucking midsection. Hey, dude, your armpit's right here. Your armpit's here. Dude, you put the stick in there and you go like this.

You do a little bit of that. You don't fucking all the way. Why are there fucking fighter jets in like deodorant commercials? For real, there are. Gillette did that. Gillette, the best a man can get. It's all mine. That's how every commercial should end. Wow, I want to watch it again. So he does because he does what he wants. He tastes better than a Snapple after an intense workout. Teddy, you lift it, you keep it. Guarantee he's dead. I'm going to look it up after this. you lift it you keep it guarantee he's dead i'm gonna look it up after this you do not look like that in 1994 and be alive in 2021 it just doesn't happen

i don't make the rules i'm the vessel wow so unhealthy to lift it like that it's all, dude, you know they try to get so many takes and they were like, do you? Never mind. It's all mine. I'm going to look them up. Teddy and the Snapple. Teddy Snapple commercial age.

Nothing even close to came up. Okay, it's fine. Nothing even close to came up okay it's fine nothing even close to came up and it's all good i sometimes i google the wrong things um sometimes i google the wrong things and that's not my fault i just try to do what i do and that's it uh but this kid This is a joke, right? Come on. She just sent me a sister video to this. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Why is this turned the opposite way?

Oh, I guess it's not showing that. Okay. Here we go. I have produced three full-length bodybuilding documentaries and a half dozen contest videos. I'm Mike Pulsinella. And during that time, I was... Fast forward to when? ...dawn by the crowd.

1.30? She wants me to see this. Oh. What is this? Steve clearly had no concept of the prerequisites of a bodybuilding contest. Come on. This isn't real. He was shaved, had no tan, and

frankly, no muscles. Look at the way he's doing it. He's so uneven. When I asked him to tell me why he was in the contest, I began to realize that Steve may not be completely in touch with reality. Is this fucking... Actually, the secret is I'm a leader, not a follower. Oh, this is real, dude.

You know immediately when someone is serious and immediately when they're fucking wrong, when they're making a joke. And you can tell, number one, that this guy's serious because of the way he's talking. Number two, he's in an Adidas tracksuit and those guys never joke. I am telling you right now, there has never been a fucking guy in an Adidas tracksuit that has been joking. Think about it.

Think about all the Persians and all the Armenians that dress in Adidas tracksuits. When are they joking, dude? When are they joking? They're serious all the time. Dude, Persians, Armenians are serious all the the time, dude, Persians, Armenians, are serious all the fucking time, dude, you ever see them get out of a car, are they joking then,

no, they're just like, what, I got out of this car, I don't, where's the fucking place, I don't make the rules, impress me now, they have those eyes

you know what I mean where it's just like what what what unless it's like after 11pm and then they really get fucking lit dude but before 11pm they're just like

don't fuck around don't touch hey don't touch my face i don't like when people touch touch my face even when we're joking around but after 11 they'll be like hey how about how he got all fucking paranoid when i touched his face oh it's a little mexican whatever. Whatever, dude. Hey, for serious, how come when I, how come when I touched his face he got like a bitch and then everyone's like, ah, ah, ah.

Eat all your food or you'll have an ugly wife. You know, they'll make up some fucking shit like that. Armenians and Persians, they make up sayings that don't actually,

they'll just be like, hey, hey, remember, eat all your food or you'll have an ugly wife. Dude, so this guy's doing that. And so the reason why you know he's serious is because first of all, he's talking and it's serious and it's very obvious.

And second of all, he's in an Adidas tracksuit. And third of all, his name is Mike Polsonella. Mike Polsonella. And no one can really tell you what's going to be better except yourself. And no one knows your diet and your training routine better than yourself. Because I try to come in with my body, and also that if I train more now than I do today, I'm over-training at that point.

I'm hurting myself. And I'm burning myself out. But you've got to understand one thing that's really going on in this boy itself. Bodybuilding is not bodybuilding. Bodybuilding is a science in itself. Bodybuilding is a... What? This guy...

What? One thing what's really going on in this boy itself. Bodybuilding is not bodybuilding. Bodybuilding is a science in itself. Bodybuilding is a science in itself. Okay. It's a whole big thing with testosterone oh no dude that's it when somebody says it's a whole big thing you know they're selling snake oil like you know it's a whole big thing they don't you know they don't know what the fuck they're talking about

uh it's all big the thing i i see're talking about. It's a whole big thing. I see why I confuse you. It's a whole big thing. I'm out, dude. I'm already out. It's a whole big thing. This is distracting the shit out of me. Sorry, it's distracting the shit out of me.

It's just showing you that. It's like flipping around and shit. So everything's all fucked up. Woo! Woo-hoo! Dude, how about that when I do it? How about that when I do it? I ain't going to do a bodybuilding. Dude, if I entered a bodybuilding, I used to do that when I was a kid.

I would go into my parents' house and I, house, like I slept outside. I slept in a tree house. No. I would go into my parents' bedroom and I would do posing for them like I was a bodybuilder. I was so lanky and I would wait for my parents to laugh and then I would go to bed. I bedroom and I would do posing for them like I was a bodybuilder. I was so lanky. And I would wait for my parents to laugh. And then I would go to bed. I would try to win them over.

So what's this guy talking about? Throughout the day, Steve recited this same speech to anyone stunned enough to listen. Good. Good. Good. Good. That's good. I don't like shocking my body either way.

I think if you want to work, you can do it in a sport. It's not shocking your body. I think it's so dangerous. I love this guy. It's very dangerous. It's like a girl in a world where they diet, diet, and eat their way. That's what it is. It is dangerous.

Bodybuilding is dangerous. And he's like, the diet's dangerous. And I agree with this guy. And this guy has the best body I've ever seen because of that. Because of his attitude, not because of his body. guy has the best body I've ever seen because of that, because of his attitude, not because of his body. He has the best body I've ever seen because of his attitude. And I love that shit. That is amazing.

Okay, cool. Good. Well, we figured that out. This guy's my favorite bodybuilder. That was what I wanted to say about bodybuilding. What was I even fucking talking about the other thing? Discover more value than ever at Loblaws. Like Fresh Promise.

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you know i'm talking about like i don't mean they mean to be funny i mean how funny are guys when they're just together and they're just they don't know they're being funny and they're just fucking talking and you're like guys shut the fuck up fuck up. You know what I'm talking about? Dude, guys are fucking hilarious when they get together. It's like when girls get together, you're like, I don't know what you're talking about. But when guys get together, you're like, oh, you guys are just getting fucking dumber. Like one guy is not dumb. Guys are dumb. One guy is not dumb. Guys are dumb.

The more guys together, the more dumb they are. You get two guys together, you're like, we got to split them up so they don't make dumb decisions. You know what I'm talking about? You know when you're in high school and your mom's like, you shouldn't be hanging out with those boys. It's because together, you're guys. And you're going to do dumb shit.

Like fucking put shaving cream on a cop car. Or shit in the woods. Or join a bodybuilding competition when you don't have a good body. That's why sports, they're so fucking dumb. Not sports. The sports are not dumb. the guys in sports are dumb do you know what i'm talking about you don't need to be smart to play football if you are it's good for the game and it's good and you might be better but that's why you're fucking the stereotype is the idiot jock because oh, because you're just jumping real far.

And I don't say this because I got picked fucking fourth to last when we would do kickball in New Jersey. You know that fucking guy? That guy with the cup? That meme, whatever? That's me. Because maybe I was. Maybe I am saying it like that guy. But, dude, here's the best.

This is what I love. When the manager gets thrown out of fucking baseball. Best baseball. Whatever. I'm just going to play it. I haven't seen this yet. But I love when managers get kicked out, dude. Somebody sent me this on my Patreon patreon what the fuck is going on there we go he's hot dude hey get your hands off wow is there a more baseball noise than that fucking

in the back wow that's amazing dude listen to this oh that's so baseball you know the guy who said it has a mustache period that's it and he's got a mouthful of fucking either either tobacco or if he fucking the doctor told him to stop doing that because they found a polyp sunflower seeds in his mouth yeah he never even fucking said anything look first why are they miked dude why are they miked what the fuck are they doing miking baseball managers and umpires fucking weren't doing it so mad you got a shit on your fucking shoulder you got a fucking Major League Baseball game. Don't get that mad. You don't have much riding on it. Hey, you're not the Brewers.

You're the fucking Hornets or some shit. You're the fucking Golden Gri know, hornets or some shit, you know? That's not a real, you're the fucking golden grizzlies or some shit. What'd he say to you? What'd he say? He never even looked at you. He never even fucking looked at you. You're a danto. For what?

What the fuck do you want to say? Threw him out, threw him out, right there. Oh, his name's, and of course his name is Wally. And of course his name is Wally. Is there a more baseball name than Wally? Oh, this is fucking Wally Backman? Wow, I know a lot of 80s and 90s baseball players. And I was going to say, of course his name is Wally, like Wally Backman. And this is Wally Backman, dude.

Wally Backman is the most baseball-iest baseball guy of all time tied with Wade Boggs. Wally Backman, Wade Boggs, and Ken Caminiti, the three most baseball-iest baseball guys with the baseball names that you can fucking look at them all. Look at Wade Boggs, Wally Backman, and look at Ken Caminiti. They're basically all the same guy. And if you add them all up, they equal Keith Hernandez. That's all I'm saying, dude. They're the most baseball-iest baseball guys.

You motherfucker. I'm saying, dude, to the most baseball-iest baseball guys. He's so mad and he's dirtying up the home plate. A child. Because that means the ump have to fucking undo it and clean it. Bullshit. I never said a goddamn word to the guy. You know it. You know it. Oh, gaslighting.

Love it. I do it. You know it. And you know it. And you know it. Well, gaslighting. Love it. I do it. You know it. And you know it. And you know it. Well, here's something that you know. That's a great way to start a fucking point in an argument. Well, here's something that you know.

I didn't do that. Yeah, dude. Gaslight city. Fuck yeah, dude. I could be a good baseball manager because gaslight city, dude. Gaslight City. Fuck yeah, dude. I could be a good baseball manager because Gaslight City, dude. We're the Gaslight City Golden Grizzlies here to play. Here we go. Wally Backman always getting a little pissed off. I never said a goddamn word to the guy. You know it.

And that's where they get their name, folks. No, this is bullshit. I never said a goddamn word to the guy. You know it. And that's where they get their name, folks. No, this is bullshit. I never said a goddamn word to the guy. You know it. Yep. Yep. And the guy just goes like this. You're right.

I do know it. What did he think it was going to be like a fucking Jedi move? I love that shit, dude. You know it. When you point at somebody, you really get your point across. No pun intended. I didn't mean it like that. You know it.

That's good. All right. That's good all right let's go wait hold on i love shit like this and i will tell you why because how long can you be this mad that's that's the best part to me because already he's been mad, this mad at this level for a minute. That is really hard. Okay. Like it's a difficult thing to do. Like it's like fighting. a fight or like trained hard in a, in a boxing situation or a jujitsu or a judo or a grappling kind of situation fighting for a minute is like, it's honestly, it's like fighting for an hour. It's just, it's just hard the whole time. 20 seconds after 20 seconds of fighting you're just like should i give up and die do you know what i mean so if you're arguing this long

there's the point in the argument or in the arguing that you know you can't sustain it. You're at the top level of heat, and you know you can't sustain it. But especially if you're a man, or if you're a woman that had a horrible childhood, you know you can't let up because your ego kicks in. Because if you show you're not that angry the whole time, then you were never really that angry, right? Yes. And you know it.

So here is the mark where I notice Wally Backman is kind of understanding, okay, I hit hot heat for a minute. How do I sustain this? So like any good fighter, he takes a breather. He has his hands on his hips now and he's just kind of chilling. I can't wait to see what he says because I know it's going to be a little bit different. I don't know. I want to know what I said. Oh, dude, he's right. He's right about so much in this episode of the podcast. It's like he's fucking Ringo Starr, dude. You know what? I just want to ask dude one time

i was cooking something in a microwave when i was in high school and i opened up the microwave to get the food and i it wasn't hot enough so I closed the microwave door and my brother all of a sudden was right here. I opened the microwave door and my brother wasn't there. And in the time I touched the food to see if it was hot enough, decided it wasn't hot enough and needed to put it in for another 30 seconds and closed that microwave door. My brother, like the fucking roadrunner. And closed that microwave door, my brother, like the fucking Roadrunner.

Now, I didn't look at him. Because you know why? Because fuck my brother. You understand? When you're in high school and your younger brother walks into the room, you only look at him if you're a bitch. But I was the man. So I didn't look at him.

My brother sensed this. And he obviously wanted to say something to me. So he said, hey, Chris. And I swallowed my pride. And I turned and looked at my brother. And that was when I realized. His hand was like this. And when I turned. My nose hit his fucking pointed finger.

Now, there's two things I want to tell you about this. Number one, that's fucking annoying that he got me. And number two, it hurt way more than you could imagine. My brother knew this because he saw the look on my face, and I was very angry. So my brother ran really fast away from me. I ran after him. He got through the front door,

and I slipped, and I fell on the ground and I really fucking hurt myself. So not only did I have a fucked up nose from the point from the pink finger, pink finger pointing. I also hurt the side of my hip because I fell on the ground. All right. Now that made me Mach 11 mad. Congratulations. Nice to meet you. Mach 11 mad. Well, come on in. We'll just be hanging out for a little bit. Where would you like to hang out on my side and my nose? Sounds great. I couldn't catch my brother cause I had fell down. And my brother slowed down and just kind of looked over and he goes, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Now I'm Mach 12 mad because he's laughing at my pain that he caused and that he caused. So I realized I can't catch him. I'm in pain.

He got a good lead start now, really good lead start. So I go like this. Hey, Matt, come here. I just want to talk to you. And I thought that that to talk to you. And I thought that that was going to work. But when he walked over to me, I was going to beat the shit out of him.

And he didn't walk over to me. But my point is, you got to switch when you're mad sometimes because you can't sustain. The harder you are mad, the quicker the fall is, right? The sooner you want to tap out. So that's where this dude is at this moment right here. He didn't get finger-pointed and fall down, but he's that mad.

You know it. And now he just switches gears. I want to know what I said. I'm going to ask him what I said. Wow. Wow. Because he knows what he said because he's him. But he wants the other guy. I'm going to ask him what I said because he's him. But he wants the other guy.

I'm going to ask him what I said. In your report. Take your report and shove it up your fucking ass. See, dude? He didn't actually want to know what he thought he said. Man, dude. Guys hanging out together. Unreal, dude.

You can take your report and you can shove it up your ass! Ask him what I said. I'm gonna ask him what I said In your report take your report and shove it up your fucking ass Wow Wow bullshit. You know, the last guy I bumped, I'd have knocked you on your fucking ass. Wow, he's getting... Wow. Fucking joke. Yes. Goddammit. Yes. Let's go.

I want to know what I said. I'll leave the field when he tells me what he threw me out for. Unbelievable, dude. I don't have to go. Yes, sir. You gotta go now. What'd I say? Jesus, you're goddammit at being an embarrassment to professional baseball. you're goddammit at being an embarrassment to professional baseball. You're goddammit at being an embarrassment to professional baseball.

Wally, please. It is right. Wally, please, let's go. First fucking time you've ever fucking umpired in professional baseball. The almost ultimate slam I ever heard in my fucking life, dude. Wow, Wally's good with the slam. It is right.

Wally, please, let's go. First fucking time you've ever fucking umpired in professional baseball. Wally. Oh, dude. No, no, Wally, let's go. Please. Wally, please. It is right.

Wally, please, let's go. First fucking time you've ever fucking umpired in professional baseball. Wally. Am I right? No, no, Wally, let's go. Please. Fucking joke. Am I right? The guy just. Waller, let's go. Please. Fucking joke. Am I right?

The guy just goes, Waller, Waller, no. Please, let's go. Love how he keeps his cool. Love when you guys get mad, dude. It's fucking hilarious. He was mad for too long. By the way, I'm not even going to, I don't know if I'm going to play it anymore. This is fucking minute 248 of the video.

The video is 5.56 how how long does this go i'm gonna just skip ahead here oh he throws shit oh he gets to the point where he throws shit oh sorry guys this video is gonna be way too long stevie will go to second oh the guy's all about business, dude. The other second manager comes in. So Stevie will go to second. Big mistake, dude. Big mistake. You're usurping his power, and you got to let him run hot for a little bit. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to, dude, and he just got done telling another guy it was the first time he ever coached fucking baseball. Stevie will go to left.

Stevie will go to short. Move Johnny to second. Oh, wait. Hold on to second. Oh, wait. Hold on a second. This is him saying... His voice changed. He was so mad and then all of a sudden, it's all mine. Oh, my God, dude.

He went to... He is so mad that he shut down and went all about his business. I love it, dude. I love this motherfucker. He's not done being mad. I didn't say nothing to the motherfucker, man. That's a fucking joke. Through the bats.

Oh, my God. This is my favorite person in the world. Through the bats. Through his own team's bats. Out. It does nothing. You just Threw the bats. Threw his own team's bats out. It does nothing. You just pick up the bats after that. He threw the bats.

He threw the last bat. There weren't, he threw three more bats. He's throwing three more bats now. And now he's throwing three, every time it's three bats. Nice. Wow. Oh my God. Can me the goddamn balls.

Oh my god, can't get the balls out of the can, and then struggles with it and says, give me the goddamn balls. Like, who's he talking to? Jesus Christ? Who's he talking to, the ball gods? Give me the goddamn balls. I've earned this with my anger.

Pick that shit up, you dumb motherfuckers! Nice, dude. Meet a Calvin when his toys are out. Threw his balls out. Pick that shit up, you piece of shit! Me talking to... No, I would never say that to him. No. One more...

Oh, he fucking tells the catcher to get out of the way to throw the bats out! This guy's so mad. You know what he is? A villain. He's a villain, dude. Catcher, get out of the way.

Catcher, get out of the way. And just tosses them. Get out of the way. Oh, just throw them somewhere else, dude. Two more bats. Two more bats. Why do they have this many bats, by the way? Two more bats.

One more. And another one. There we go. Just so many bats. Oh, Jesus. Two more bats. Here we go. One more bat.

Here we go. Another bat. There we go. Two more bats. Still kind of losing steam here, but he's doing it still. Let's go have a beer, Doc. Ah! here, but he's doing it still. Let's go have a beer, Doc. Got so chilly immediately, dude.

Let's go have a beer, Doc. Of course somebody's name is Doc in the dugout. Dude, this is the most baseball thing that's ever happened. This is more baseball than George Brett when he's like, shit, my pants last night. Yep, double-paper shit. Let's go have a beer, Doc. So out of breath. So out of breath. So out of breath.

God damn it. I mean, his wife divorced him a week before this, no doubt. Whose spot is Butler in? Oh, and then some guy just, whose spot is Butler in? We need to, because of the game still. Well, he's in Doc's spot. He's hitting for Doc. Oh, my God, dude.

This is unreal. The cameraman is just zooming in on the bats and the balls. I mean, they're zooming in on the bats and balls like they're fucking people that got left behind from the Titanic. Like, we don't give a shit. Oh, wow. Where's Doc? Oh, boy. Gonna blame something on Doc.

God damn, I tore my nail off. Huh? Some guy just told him his mic's on. Or put mic on? Wow. Still the manager even though he's off the field. Telling his players not to... How mad can you be? I mean, dude, it's so funny that he's still dealing with it.

He's still Mike. I want the mic to be on him the rest of the day. And have him to go home to his fucking wife while she's packing up because she divorced him a week earlier. Obviously, that's why he's so pissed. And he's just like, they threw me out. What's wrong with your fingernail?

I had to cut it off. Wally. You're leaving me huh um dude wow that was fucking hysterical we're just all trying to fucking get by and live you know what i mean we're all trying to fucking get by and live and do our shit look at the way fucking i cut my i cut my own hair still it's good dude it's good just so everybody knows is it bad i can't see i try to do it quick i can't see it whatever dude comic the hedgehog um so yeah dude what i do know is my fucking if i'm watching a tv show with my mom especially and then also kristen's there it's the most fucking annoying thing in the world dude let me watch my show and watch it with me let's all do it together and have a good time

everyone put their phones down and just fucking my mom will fucking i'll be watching lost and she'll be like i'll i'll be hearing like a voice and i'll look over and she's got her phone like this and she's watching a video of like an ellen clip but it's not and then i look at it and it's and this is the weirdest part the fucking it's it's on it's a facebook video like she's not even watching like youtube or instagram she's on fucking facebook who watches ellen clips on facebook dude imagine watching a facebook ellen clip it's so annoying and i'm trying to watch and sawyer's there and i'm like Facebook, dude. Imagine watching a Facebook Ellen clip. It's so annoying. And I'm trying to watch it.

And Sawyer's there. And I'm like, why has he got long hair? And she's just. My next guest is. And I'm like, Ma, what the fuck are you? I have a video of it. What do you even watch? Why?

She's listening to fucking Ellen on her phone in front of me. I can't hear her. Can you hear it? Yes all right who cares even god who cares she is so fucking hilarious kristen will just be on tiktok and my mom's watching ellen fucking clips on facebook and i'm trying to fucking... What's the fucking... What's the fucking last song? dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dude i'm losing my mind we're all here for it dude how about when the fucking when you watch it on hulu and it's like whoa with the fucking abc that fucking chime whoa whoa what the fuck is it

oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah dude whoa oh dude the abc time it's so heroic and it's just a channel whoa whoa and then it's just like previously on lost hey channel be a channel not the Olympics hey channel be a channel not a fucking Hugh Jackman movie where he fucking is a pilot or some shit whoa previously on lost dude ABC has some fucking it'll even be for the fucking bullshit shows on amc on abc that aren't like fucking that's the jingle for all the shits when you play it

put on any song fucking it'll be whoa whoa previously on fucking home improvement he's like what? Or that was NBC I don't know who gives a shit They're all the same NBC ABC fucking NAACP Fuck yeah dude they should make a real song of that Just fucking wow Wow

And it's fucking Keanu Reeves' old band Dogtown or whatever the hell it was called. Oh, yeah, fucking Jeremy Renner should sing it. Fuck yeah, dude. God, that's the same jingle if you think about it. All music's the same. Dude, all music's the same jingle if you think about it. All music's the same. Dude, all music's the same. And it also fucking every song, like 99% of songs are about love. So make a song about a hat or I'm not listening.

God, I need a fucking show on Fox. Like fucking Fox News. Not even Fox. Just Fox News. I need to be on after fucking that guy with the bow tie. That's like well, I actually... That guy. What the fuck's his name again? Tucker Carlson.

That guy. Actually, you know... Dude, we found the fucking ABC jingle, dude. We found the fucking ABC jingle, dude. This is the shit that geeks me out, dude. I don't give a fuck about NPR, man. People want to talk about the hard hitting issues. These are the hard hitting issues, dude. Sawyer should have fucking short hair and the most baseball name is Wally. And the fact that dude, this is the ABC intro

is fucking utterly shit spanking hilarious, dude. fucking utterly shit-spankin' hilarious, dude. Previously. Dude, how is this the fucking jingle for a fucking channel, dude? It's like fucking Imagine Dragons saying it, dude. Or whatever the fuck that band is. Oh, fuck, dude. I love that it's this.

I also love that on YouTube, I found it and just, it's some guy that uploaded just named Jace Purley. Like, why, bro? What is your life like? I gotta play it again. Previously on Designated Survivor. Previously on Man of the House.

I love to play more. Wow, dude. It can't, like, every list of ABC shows. Fuck fuck yeah this is the kind of shit that i do that was fucking loud as shit here we go ready previously on big sky previously on station 19 Big Sky. Previously on Station 19. Previously on fucking late night with fucking whatever the white guy is.

Oh, fuck, man. What's that guy, Steve Colbert? Isn't that on ABC? Who knows? Who knows? Previously on Triage. I'm just looking up names of shows. They're all fucking like fake shows, but they're real.

Previously on Adopted. These are real shows, but they're real. Previously on Adopted. These are real shows, dude. Previously on Fall and Rise, the story of 9-11. God damn, dude. That wasn't as fucking fruitful as I thought. Fruit worthy. Wow. What are all these shows, dude?

Look at these shows. The names of these fucking goddamn shows. Just look. So here's a show on ABCc in 1980 it's called stone if that's not about a fucking cop named stone or a private detective named stone i'll cut my balls off now here i go i'm gonna click on it stone stone is an american police drama that aired on abc Monday nights from January 14th. There we go, dude. Hey, TV, you suck.

Nah, you're good, dude. Watch all this stuff. It's great, honestly. Stone. Unbelievable. Dude, that's so funny. Have a goddamn jingle. Have a regular jingle, dude. Like the NBC one is goddamn jingle have a regular jingle dude like like the nbc and nbc one is is good right nbc jingle

here we go isn't it just the fucking simple thing there you go that's a fucking tv station abc what the fuck are you who do you think you are nbc kills it with that shit three notes bong bang bong abc with the fucking billy seltzer orchestra or whatever the fuck that band is called never knew it never knew it they got the big bad voodoo daddies it's like dude they might have far fuck's sake. Who cares? Um, I care. I care about all this shit.

Um, do you guys watch the show? What was that? What's the show? Uh, that fucking everyone wants you to watch now that I say, um, oh, it's the one, uh, with the, uh, the oh the this is us that's the i'm not watching it okay i get that it's good stop i'm not watching it dude i bet it's great not watching it that's the show that everyone can now stop talking about to me if you see me on the street don't talk now stop talking about to me. If you see me on the street,

don't talk about this is us to me. You got it. Also Schitt's Creek. I'm sure it's fucking hilarious. Not watching it. Not going to watch both of those shows. Going to die. Not knowing about those shows.

That's fine. Oh no, not Schitt's Creek. The fucking one on HBO with Brian Cox. The one from the guy from fucking god damn I never know what then I'm and the Culkin kid the disingenuous or whatever the fuck it's called succession dude it's such a bad name dude dude. Let me be on it.

Anyway, man. Oh, I fucking like to be in succession. So, yeah. So, that's it, dude. I think I'll go back. I think I'll go. I think I'll fucking maybe I'll enroll in college. Start a new career as an inventor.

Dude, fuck that. I'm an inventor now. Imagine the balls you got to have to be like, I as an inventor. Dude, fuck that. I'm an inventor now. Imagine the balls you got to have to be like, I'm an inventor. I guess you could say that if you're Elon Musk, but what about like the non-famous inventors? You got to say that shit. That's got to be, you know,

that's got to be like fucking a girl saying she's a model when it's like, oh yeah, okay, great. You're hot. The guy in a, just a tweed jacket. And what do you do? Oh, I'm an inventor. What the fuck did you invent? And then they got to explain it way too much because it's like you know those things that are on the side of a thing and then you can and then you ever have the problem where you're walking in and then and then that thing and it gets caught well i invent the thing that is not a thing so

when you put it on there it doesn't get caught right that's what i do yeah yeah it's patent pending but yeah um or they say some a bright light i invented the bright light you're like what the fuck is that um and uh i'm gonna be yeah the balls you gotta i'm gonna i'm an inventor now fuck it but uh yeah i'm gonna go back to dude i remember when i did go to when i went to college god this is so funny man i i when i went to college. God, this is so funny, man. When I went to college, my dad... This is how sentimental my dad is. And this is how fucking, by the way, sentimental I am now. I realize I see myself in my...

I see my dad in me because now I have a kid. I see my dad and how he looked at me. I feel myself looking at Calvin. And my dad sent me to college at NYU. And I remember the day that he said bye to me and walked away, he was wearing a shirt that I loved of his. It was a brown flannel shirt. And he gave me a hug and he said, I love you.

Have a good time. And he went, he gave me a hug and he said, I love you. Have a good time. And he went to walk away, but then he took off the shirt and he put it around my shoulders and he patted me on the back and he said, it's yours now. And he said, now I can say, I really did give you the shirt off my back. And he walked away. And I said, oh, dad, thanks. And he crossed the street and I could see him wiping his eyes, you know, because he was crying because his kid was going away to college. And he was so sentimental. college and he was so sentimental and i get that now because i have a kid and i could imagine that happening to calvin when he grows up i will be a wreck but back then i had no kid and all i was thinking was isn't dad cold like the difference between that moment in my life and how I would view it now is amazing.

And the only thing that's different about it that makes me feel that way is the fact that I fucking have made this person. And that's amazing. I can't wait to give them my, that it wouldn't fit, but I'll give them the whole fucking thing. I take the shirt, the pants, everything, shoes here, take them all. And I just run fucking through New York City with just boxers on. Have a good time in college. Isn't that that guy that used to be a comedian? Yeah, that's my dad. Mink, mink.

Yeah. Yeah, that's my dad. Wait, hold on. For fuck's sake. God damn it, I hate when I fucking... Hey, isn't that... It's like the fucking worst TV show of all time. Hey, isn't that my...

Hey, who's that naked guy running across the fucking Times Square? Eh, that's my dad. Previously on Crazy Dad... Oh, shit, dude. Previously on Crazy Dad. Oh, shit, dude. All right, guys, that's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want the full extended uncut version, you go over to my Patreon, which is patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. See you there. Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations

Motherfucking Bob You scared the fuck out of me Motherfucking Bob Motherfucking Bob Motherfucking Bob Thank you.