Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 185. Hurry To Hell

Episode Date: May 1, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  In this week's episode Chris discusses his death filled trip to Arizona, the terrible Oscars, and the hidden third Property Brother! He also saved his son from a scorpion.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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on everything storewide crystalia.com so go to crystaliacom. Storewide domestic shipping is free, okay, for the next 24 hours. If you're a Patreon subscriber, you also get a 15% discount. And I gave you guys a code over on Patreon that the people who are listening to on YouTube don't have. So go watch it on Patreon and get that code. And you get also 15% off of your entire order so and if you're not on patreon then go sign up for patreon and then you can get 15 entire whatever you guys get it you know i'm not a what does he say i'm not a businessman i'm a businessman same thing uh anyway uh i'm not a businessman i'm a businessman i'm not a businessman I'm a businessman I'm not a businessman

I'm a businessman Same thing I get it, so don't come after me But still, same thing I'm not a dairy queen I'm a dairy queen I went to ShopRite and shopped wrong. Dude, one time I was in New Jersey because that's where I come from.

And there was this girl. You know how like, dude, it's sad, man. When you're like in elementary school, there's always that one person that is made fun of. And they always grow up to be like, who's that guy on on the fucking renegade shows the fucking that really sexy dude eric something probably his name is fucking eric something who knows dude what's his name dude lorenzo lamas that's what it is that's a real guy lorenzo lamas and uh that you know but there's always a person in elementary school that's being made fun of the most and one time omar pitts one of my buddies said that to this about jessica jessica was the one that got made fun of i hope she's

doing well but everyone made fun of her um not me i didn't do that i was felt bad and um but omar pitts said jessica went to shop right and shopped wrong and i always fucking think of that and i laughed and i laughed and there's no shop right in la so i can't do that to my friends in la and so anyway um yeah so i'm not a dairy queen i'm a dairy queen that's that's very stupid that's not that's not that funny um so uh you know we're real we do we say real shit sometimes the bits work sometimes they don't but i feel like i feel like it does kind of work a little bit you know i don't know dude you guys like podcasts some people are like i fucking don't like your stand-up i like your podcast i like your podcast i don't like your stand-up some people you know what it is i think you just like podcasts you ever fucking sit in the front row of a stand-up comedian show and you watch the stand-up

comedian you just like see their face you could hear their face that's like i used to say about the newscasters when you do the news you do the news early in the morning when you were doing um like when i was traveling and i would have to do the fucking uh uh press about my shows coming up yeah come out to see me the funny bone in fucking ohio and um and uh the newscasters would like ask me a question and then they'd lean in and i would just be staring at their face and I would just be like, wow, this is fucking incredible that their face is so close. And I could see their pores and I could hear them like, you know what I mean? And then he said, oh boy, that's just great, isn't it? No matter what you say, literally, you'd be like, yeah, I killed a dog on the way here. That's just great, isn't it?

That's just great, isn't it? So Chris is going to be live at the fucking Funny Bone in Akron, Ohio, which we didn't know was a place until we drove by. And my wife wanted to live here. So I had to become a fucking newscaster in Akron, Ohio. It's all good. I don't harbor resentment. newscaster in Akron, Ohio, it's all good. I don't harbor resentment. Um, so yeah, dude, I was in fucking, uh, Arizona and, uh, it was crazy. That's it. It was absolutely crazy. I was there in Arizona for two weeks, just chilling. And we brought the, obviously we brought the kid.

We don't leave him. When we go somewhere, we bring him and we pack him up. Like he's a suitcase, dude. We bring him. Isn't that crazy? Your life just changes. You bring a kid. Now you got to bring your kid everywhere.

And so we did. We went to Arizona. It was cool. Family trip. Visited Kristen's mom and we were chilling and it was fine dude i i i thought i was gonna go be losing my mind for two weeks doing nothing and then i realized i've been doing nothing for a really long time and just kind of hanging out. So I just use those tools. I sat in fucking Arizona and I used those tools to just sit, be bored and have peace with myself.

Now I wasn't bored because I was the people I love, but you know what I mean? And, um, and also it got a little bit exciting too, because, uh, number one, I killed a scorpion because I had to, cause he was near my son. I fucking stepped on him. Didn't know what I stepped on. I said, that might I killed a scorpion cause I had to, cause he was near my son. I fucking stepped on him. Didn't know what I stepped on. I said, that might've been a scorpion. And then, um, Kristen's uncle says, Oh, it could have been. Let me go see.

Let me go see. I'll get the, I'll get the blue, the black light. And I didn't even know that if you just fucking shine a black light on a scorpion, that motherfucker brightens the fuck up dude like brightens up brightens up like it's a fucking spider-man villain like you just put a flashlight on it at night and it's it looks like one of those halloween stickers and and he put it on the blood and guts and sure enough he's like oh yeah that's it that's a that's a scorpion look it's it was like all fucking neon across the sidewalk and And I was like, wow, I saved my son's life.

Go figure. I saved my son's life. Yeah, dude. Then I got in a loop and I was like, what if the scorpion stung him? And I thought about that for an hour and I was definitely disassociating and not being present with the family. Anyway. Dude, sometimes it just takes a little bit like that to just trip you up

and you're just out of the fucking you're like dude i'm out you know what i'm out how about that how about that i thought how about this i thought about family members dying how about you guys play yahtzee and i'm out how about that how about i just killed a scorpion and thought what if i didn't and it stung my son and he had to go into the ICU. And how about I'll just be thinking about that for the next two hours. And how about you guys play Yahtzee? Okay. Because no matter what, dude, if I'm just like this, I'm just like this. Yeah, but we're just all fortunate, aren't we?

Because we're living and you never know. You got to take it one day at a time. Oh, two sixes. Should I count it for my doubles or whatever the fuck Yahtzee? Yahtzee, dude. Games, games, games. Games, dude. All games.

You got your cards? Like little bitch asses. You got them all? Nobody saw them, right? You got it? Okay, whose turn is it to fucking roll the... Does it matter? What do you mean?

Well, everyone gets a chance. Does it matter? Well, this way you decide to who's not cheating. Who's not cheating? Dude, games fucking blow chunks. How about that, dude? I'll take it way back to elementary school. Games blow chunks how about that dude i'll take it way back to elementary school games blow chunks

i try though i try to play them and i try to have fun and i try to actually imagine myself having a fun time during the game and then you know the fucking people who say like yeah smiles smile more and then you'll smile more like you know people are like that make yourself pretend smile and it'll turn into a real smile. And also smiling burns more calories than frowning. You know, people will say that, like you're just going to be some jackass

walking around the street just like. That's not going to turn into a real smile. That's going to turn into you're real alone. People are scared of that guy. Hey, why is that guy fucking weirdly smiling outside of Mel's Diner? I'm working on my real smile. Why is that guy pretend smiling

outside of fucking, what's that one place? Burger Im. Oh, I'm working on my real smile. Oh, a crazy person. You know, a smile kills more calories than fucking frowning. So yeah, so I killed a scorpion. Scoop that up as a memory. Put that in my back pocket. Oh, hey, your boy's 41. Not really a crazy outdoorsy guy. You know,

he wears tie dye, which means he's not very outdoorsy unless he's in like a fucking, a desert with a bunch of hippies. But I don't even, I don't do that. And I'm not a guy who's an outdoorsy guy that's near bears either at all, or in any woods or desert, or just give me all the walls around me. I'm good. Have the walls in my house. We built the house. We figured out how to make all these great technologies. I'll be chilling near there because we figured it out, right? Oh, you invented that? Thank you. I'll use it. I'm not the guy who's... So I never even fucking seen a scorpion except for inside a what a pet store at the mall right say it with me so um saw one killed it and uh that was that and um so I did that and then also that wasn't the only killing going on in the Arizona trip because my dog Chenzo aka Trash Dog

all of a sudden we hear in one of the back in the backyard they don't not yard it's like rocks in arizona they don't have there's like no grass because the water bill is like four four thousand dollars a month to keep it because everything's so dry the second you walk into arizona or drive into arizona your lips are just like and you try to you try to take a shit your next bowel movements just nothing comes out it's just like me up that's what comes out just that air ha that's what comes out your butthole dude when you go to take dude we talk about the hard-hitting issues here but you go to take a shit in arizona not the first shit the first shit you still have the the shit stacked from wherever you were

when that one releases and then you eat whatever you eat and then that one brews it comes out and it just goes, ha, that's what happens, alright? And your lips go, ha, and your lips are bleeding while you're just, your asshole's

doing vocal warm-ups. Just a bleeding ass lip and your fucking ass is going, may, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may. May, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may. May, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may. Dude, vocal exercises. Dude, I used to be in chorus when I was in the eighth grade. And Mr. Kelsey, rest in peace, he died of cancer.

But anyway, who am I? My mom. Anyway, he would always go here we go we're doing the scales and he would go and then and normally you go but he would fucking kill it he would do like an extra like fuck you i've i've been practicing for a long time and i've done this for years and you motherfuckers ain't got shit on me students so he would go like he would fucking use the last part with the first part that guy killed it dude and we'd all try to do it as students and we were just like we're we're out of breath and um anyway dude

he died of cancer but we all will someday and uh oh cool just got a fucking thing on my computer that said remind me later that said you want you want to install this remind me later definitely just got a virus um so um anyway that wasn't the only killing going on because chen's a trash dog all of a sudden wow i almost vomited did you hear that we'll keep that in and uh he um we hear in the backyard which is not a yard rocks and we're like what the fuck is going on chens and we look and we see chenzo with a bloody mouth and then we see behind him like he's trying to be like nothing to see here a fucking pigeon belly up trying to flap upside down when you flap you get higher that pigeon was upside down

flapping which just means he was trying to dig into the ground he was just trying to hurry to hell because he didn't want fucking he didn't want chen's eating him anymore and he had a bloody beard like he was a fucking game of thrones character beard like he was a fucking game of thrones character like winter already had done come and he uh and he fucking was just we were like no get the fuck no no and he ran inside and then and then krista was like just leave the pigeon and we're like what and she's like leave the pigeon i'm gonna call a pigeon place i'm just like what's a pigeon place just step on it to put out of its misery it's dead almost she's like i'm just gonna call a pigeon but someone called a vet and they'll know what to do and kristen's mom is googling what to do when a pigeon's dead upside down and your fucking rocks

and your back rocks and um and and everyone's just got their own way. Well, what we'll do is this and that and we'll do this. Maybe it'll just be okay. And then Kristen walks outside and she's like, I don't know. I didn't really look, but I didn't really see it.

Maybe it flew away. And then more time passes by and then we let the dogs out to pee and then, oopsie daisy, you could guess the end of the story. We are, and we're like what the fuck

hey chens and we look at for chens and chens is under a cactus with a headless pigeon and the pigeon is headless because chens has the head of the pigeon in his bloody mouth chens has two heads above his collar his and the one in his mouth and it was so awful dude because not because necessarily that the pigeon died thank god chenz put him he decapitated him like he was fucking thanos at the end of end game uh that he he decapitated the pigeon fine put him out of the misery. That was the good part. Thank you, Chens, for speeding this up.

And we'd have to take it to a fucking pigeon place. Instead of that, this is the worst part. Chens was under a cactus. Have you ever been under a cactus? No, because you don't have a dog brain. Dogs don't give a fuck about what's above, below, next to them at all. Because they only want what the food is. And they don't even know what next to them is.

They don't know what above or below is. But we do. And what was above Chen's was a fucking 40,000 needles. And 20,000 went in Chen's. And dude, Kristen was trying to pull them out like do surgery i'm like how come we were going to take the pigeon to the pigeon place we can't take the dog to the fucking dog place you got to manually take these fucking things out so the rest of the trip that took about two hours to get all the pins out the rest of the trip it would be like in the middle of the, I would just all of a sudden be,

she's like, what, I'm like, I got a fucking pin in me, because Chen's is everywhere, and they would just be falling out, just a fucking cactus pin in my torso, she's like, what's wrong, the fucking chen's shit out another needle dude there's a fucking there was one in my uh like face like neck face area one in my torso and then one in my foot i hope that pigeon was good i hope that pigeon was good dude god damn dude isn't it crazy have you ever really thought about how like the circle of life is life consuming other life to eat like even vegans like you're eating you're still eating plants like these are all fucking living things that's fucked up that's one cruel joke dude why can't we just be good on sand

or some shit it's such a cruel joke that jesus christ from up above made and he was like let's make the world but in this world if you were if if the if nothing was the world if the world was nothing if we were just consciousness right And you said to another per conscious consciousness, if you were consciousness and you said to another fucking consciousness, Hey, no, what, what I'm a make a world besides all the whole fucking, well, what's a world? Well, it's a, what it's around and you fucking in a galaxy. What are you talking? Besides all that, if you got up to the point where you're like, and in this world, you're

listening consciousness. Yeah. In this world, I'm going to put people and animals and living things. There's going to be amoebas. There's going to be a shit storm of life. Okay. And all these things, well, most of them are going to have consciousness. That's what we are.

We're going to put things. We're going to put us in bodies. Some of them are going to have consciousness that's what we are we're going to put things we're going to put us in bodies some of them are going to be real ugly we're going to call them boars some of them are going to be handsome as shit like lorenzo lamas and antonio sabato jr and they're going to walk around the earth and the only way for them to live is to take one of the other things that are also living and put them inside of themselves. That consciousness would be like, dude, I'm fucking out of here, man. I mean, that's insane, but we just accept it because we're born in it. I got to tell Calvin that. And he's already doing it. The motherfucker ate chicken twice today. Scary shit, dude. It's the stuff that used to keep me up when i was nine years old and i would fucking scream at my dad to come in and my dad would say hey what's up and i'd be like i'm scared

he'd be like of what and i'd be like everything one time i said everything birds he said you're scared of birds i said no i'm just trying to explain you that i'm scared of everything and birds are part of everything god what an annoying child and person I am. I don't know, man. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express.

Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. I had Calvin. I had a moment where I was with... Dude, this is the trippiest moment so far as a father. And I had a moment where Calvin was in the pool. And I was in the pool with him. And the pool was too cold. Okay? And I was in there, though, because he was having a blast.

This kid, his teeth were chattering and his lips were purple. And his hair was just all matted. He was just like... Splashing the shit, just fucking drinking water, coughing, almost crying, and then just off to the races again. Right. And there was a moment where I was lifting him up and looking at him. And I just had this moment where I looked at him and he looked more like me that I had

ever seen. He looked more like me than I had ever noticed ever. And he already looks at me like, looks like me a lot. If you've seen my Instagram, whatever, um, you, you know, that like the kids, obviously mine, he's got the fucking Dalia eyebrows, but this kid, some about how he was cold and still smiling, but his hair was matted. It reminded me of when I was young and in the bath and shit. And when I would look in the mirror and I was holding him and I was looking at him and I had such a weirdly beautiful moment. And I will never forget it. You know how sometimes you have those moments in life

that happen and they're so fun and so good. and you had no idea it was going to happen. And sometimes they're very long. It was like, oh, that time I went to my first Mets game with my dad and Darryl Strawberry hit a grand slam and everybody jumped up and started screaming. And it was the first inning and my dad had never seen a grand slam. So he fucking jumped up and started screaming and I started crying. And my dad looked out and said, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I said, you know what? I can take that. It's too cold. I can take that. Everyone's too loud,

but I hate that. They're all mad at me. Okay. And I remember that, but who knows when something like that is going to happen? That's going to carry you, carry with you through the rest of your life, right? Those moments are very special and those moments are awesome. And you don't know when they're going to happen. When they happen, boom, whoops, upside your head. Now that's with you in your back pocket. This was one of those moments and I'll never forget it. And it was something so simple as just holding him in the fucking pool. And I know y'all have those moments and that's awesome. And I love that you have those moments. Um, because those are, you know what those are your fucking moments, dude. And nobody can take that shit from you. You know, you could take a fucking sweater. You could take someone's,

you know, tools. You could steal someone's car, but you can't fucking take a moment that happens. You can't take that. And that is beautiful. Now, that's enough of that shit. That's enough of that shit, okay? There's a fucking third property brother did you know that you know that there's a third property brother dude why are they keeping that from us that's what i want to know you got the fucking two guys

paul and eric what are their names probably I don't know what their names are. Paul and Eric, probably. You got them and they're twins. And yeah, they wear shirts that are too tight. And yeah, they got fucking dockers on, but they do their thang. And they do their thang hard. You see them go into these fucking houses

and these houses look like shit. And they make these houses look okay. And from shit to okay that's a lot that's a huge upswing well we're actually gonna you know we'll turn this fireplace into something and with the leftover money i've got to go into these people's house and i have to tell them that they can't have this fireplace without skimping on another thing so we can either get rid of the the the the dome wall or they're gonna have to give up on some lighting fixtures now let's go and you're invested than a motherfucker

dude aren't you you are invested than a motherfucker dude do i look like the kind of guy who watches home renovation shows no but i am I love this fucking show. And they're twins, dude. Could HGTV ask for more? This shit was like a... It's great for a poster. Two twins and shit? They probably say some shit like on the poster,

fixing a house is too bad we can't fix each other. You know what I mean? I can think of these taglines all day twins by design but not by you know what i mean something right when it comes to design we can but not twins i'd buy all the dvds if that was tagline, by the way. I'd give them my money. Here's my wallet. But there's a third one, dude. Imagine being the third one. You know what I'm talking about? There's two.

First of all, imagine being the third one to Twins. Non-famous Twins. Twins, they got the shit, dude. You know what they got they got all the stares they got all the attention they got all the fucking cool fun things oh there's a two-seater who's gonna go on it the two twins not the one of the twins and one of the fucking and the other guy the two twins are gonna go on and that lonely ass other brother is just gonna be like no go ahead it's okay uh you guys go have fun, I guess. I will just be over here pooping and no one will clean my diaper. You guys got clean diapers all the time, huh?

You're forgotten about. Because twins. But do you know what twins have even more so than all of those things, attention, and fucking cute outfits? They've got each other, dude. They've got each other. Their minds are like one. You hear how many stories where the twin dies and then the other twin dies a fucking week later of a heart attack? Can't take it, dude.

You know? Or you heard the one thing where you punch one twin and the other one feels it? You know? That other brother's like, I wish I could feel that. Even though it's pain, it would make me connected. Was someone clean that? No? Okay.

Just standing there with a shitty diaper. No pain. They have each other. That's what they have. And then on top of that, though, they're famous and have a show on HGTV. Who's the third one? That guy's my best friend by default.

I feel for that motherfucker. I'm going to look him up. Third property brother. Third. here we go wow he is younger oh dude you know what he looks like a fucking japanime version of the other two that's what he looks like he looks like the guy that. That's what he looks like. He looks like the guy that, no, you know what he looks like? He looks like the fucking, you start the video game with one of the twins and then when you get all of the money and the upgrades, you can upgrade to that

guy. That's what he looked like. He's got his hair over there, dude. He's emo. Of course he is. He has to be. What's he going to wear? Fucking button downs and shit? No, he's emo. His name's JD. JD stands for just dreaming. Just dreaming of a better life. I wish I was a triplet. Just dreaming of a better life. Yeah. Jesus Christ, dude. of a better life yeah jesus christ dude wow he's in fucking for sure

i wish i could build it i wish i could sell it is there another one no there's three okay dude give him a show wow this is beautiful that this is a guy oh here's this is their that's a different guy whatever dude i would have loved it if they'd he'd if they really wanted him to use him, and he just couldn't. He was just so fucking bad at his job. JD, yeah.

Can you... He just like is... Well, I don't know. I feel for the fucking guy. Whatever. JD, fight the good fight, dude. This coffee's fucking absolutely terrible. It's got cinnamon in it.

Great. Yay, yay. I don't like it like that. Yay. Fucking shit, man. I can't believe I skilled a scorpion. I killed a scorpion. I fucking, sometimes I talk like Foghorn Leghorn, man. I killed a scorpion I killed a scorpion I fucking sometimes I talk like foghorn leghorn man

I killed a scorpion I did something actually when I was in Arizona we went to visit Arizona I did something last week where I was we were going to get in and out I wanted to go get in and out

you know what I do sometimes I get a fucking spur of the moment thing I wanted to. I wanted to go get in and out. You know what I do? Sometimes I get a fucking spur of the moment thing. I wanted to go get in and out, almost threw up. Going to keep it in, not cut it out because I respect you guys. I want you guys to know the real me almost threw up. But I wanted to go get in and out. And I say to the lady, I say, hey, want to go get in and out? And she goes like this, fuck yeah, I'll eat in and out.

And so I'm like, all right, cool. What will be awesome is we'll get the In-N-Out, we'll bring it back, and then we'll eat it while watching Naked and Afraid. Think of a better night. You can't. Think of a better night, newsflash, you can't. You got the best burgers,

and you got the craziest best trash tv show these people might die on that show eating burgers while watching people fight for their lives and try to find some fucking well burgers that's amazing that's an amazing night dude so she's like let's go and so we go and we get in and out oh i on the way to in and out she's oh it's no target i'm like oh yeah there's just kind of targets everywhere anyway what do you want she's like let's get i want this and definitely no fries because i'll eat yours and i'm just like i'll get you an extra fries you know how like fucking women do that thing where they're just like i don't want i don't want this i'll just no i want all of the fries that came with my fries

and i want not one less of those fries because fries are two dollars so if you even want three fries let's just spring and get your whole stash yeah so um we go and we get to the in and out and we eat and we get the in and out and she goes like this can we go to target and i just sit back and relax because i know it's closed already i'm chilling and i can't wait to be like sweetheart it's 9 30. so i say it and she says, so? And I say, sweetheart, stores close around nine. And she goes like this. Not Target.

And I said, but Target is a store. It definitely closes around nine. And she says, Target closes at 11. And I say, that's not possible. And I know it's not possible because if it is possible, and if that is true, today's the last day of my life. so we google it and lo and behold the fucking shit spanking target is open till 11 so i say i really don't want to go to target and then i think about all the work i've done in therapy and i think about the couples therapy and I think about not being selfish and acquiescing and letting kind of leading with love. What do they call it? You know? And I say, I want you to know, I don't want to go to target, but if you really want to go to target,

then we'll go to target. And I like this is great because i have already stated i don't want to go to target she's gonna know that right take that in feel badly and say you know what never mind and you know what she says i really want to go so we fucking but i said but the fun thing was to eat the burgers while watching naked and afraid and she says no it's but i want to go to target we can eat it in the car and it'll be fun to eat in the car and like fun to eat burgers in the car cars gonna stink like shit we're gonna be all messy when we have enough napkins they never give you enough napkins and she's like come on and so we sit and we eat in the fucking car we go to target and she's like isn't this fun

and guess what it wasn't fun and that's the end of the story, dude. But I led with love and, uh, you know, I, I'm, I'm, I made her happy and that was worth it, dude. Was it? You know what I mean? It was worth it. That is worth it. Was it?

But it was, dude. Was it? Um, yeah, dude, you got to lead with love, you know, know sometimes you just gotta sit and eat burgers in your fucking car instead of watching fucking naked people running around africa while you're enjoying that's the thing i like to be eating and watching the show i like because you get the two sensations you know you know i'm talking about you get the eating and the fun with the flavor and then also you get to watch it and stimulate do you want to target though dude so we were in fucking belly full of burgers in target

so gross ew dude belly full of burgers in Target. That's like a fucking, what's it called? Who's that? Adam Duritz? Singer? Counting Crows? And we were in Target with a belly full of burgers. Around here. Burgers in our guts round here

round here oops we're back we're back baby we'll do it live fuck it we'll do it live we had to take a break because i was so hot and uh i don't know man sometimes i just get in my head you know what i mean and i fucking i fucking went dude how oh you know what did happen though and yes i just thought of this right now is the fucking and i done and i didn't even have it in my notes so you know it's a hot fucking button issue dude the oscars who watches the oscars dude the oscars fucking suck period that's it that's it dude have you seen the fucking oscars lately and after you answer no realize because they suck dude the oscars man you can't even fucking can't they not

go now isn't it virtual now hey what's worse the Oscars? Actors just fucking patting each other on the back when everyone's coughing and dying, dude. Everyone's dying and the actors are just like, I really wanted to do this role because it really spoke to me and it's really fucking. No, dude. Stay home. Dude, if I ever and I will never get nominated for an Oscar. But if I ever did, and I know that if I did, we would be living in the same world as fucking goddamn... You know, what's his name? I just know I will never win an Oscar, dude.

You know, period. I may never be in another fucking movie however dude if i ever was i'm not going dude and i'm telling you that right fucking now right now dude i'm not going go ahead go ahead man put me in a movie. Nominate the shit out of me, dude. I'll be up there with fucking Don Cheadle, Edward James Earl Jolmos, and fucking whoever the fuck. And I'll be sitting there and I, you can nominate the shit out of me. I could get nominated. You know what? Put me in five movies. Nominate me in all of them. Because I tell you right now, I'm a good actor, dude. What do you want? You want something new, you want something new

and incredible, you want something fucking silly, but still like a little bit heartwarming, is that what you want, what do you want, you want a guy who kind of sounds different, but also walks a little bit with a limp, I can fucking kill it, I don't know what sounds silly, but I'm serious, dude, oh yeah, dude, put me in a fucking movie, I kill it dude i'll cry in scenes where there's no crying necessary man i'll do the kind of crying that fucking leonardo di caprio did where the boogers come out of his nose and basketball diaries and you're like how did he even fucking do that was this did they just catch him crying in his hotel room and they shot this scene i'll do those kinds of crying in a scene in a fucking supermarket do you understand i'll do cryings when there wasn't

any cryings and and and at first thought you'd be like well it's too much for this scene but by the end of the scene i'll throw in an ad lib and it'll be like oh shit it actually came back around and he made enough sense i get why he's crying now and that's the director saying that that's todd phillips sitting in his chair like oh okay i'll do fucking crazy cryings and i'll take the scenes where you're supposed to cry and i won't cry that's putting your balls on the table you understand and i will just fucking murder that screenplay that's putting your balls on the table. You understand? And I will just fucking murder that screenplay. You understand?

If I ever have to fucking do a movie where I have to pull a gun on my cop, I got to pull a gun on somebody. You see the fear in my eyes too, though, dude. You don't just see me pull a gun on somebody and I'm a rough and tumbler. I'm not just that. You get the close-up and you see behind my eyes too though dude you don't just see me pull a gun on somebody and i'm a rough and tumbler i'm not just that you see you get the close-up and you see behind my eyes you see uh-oh he's fucking actually i can see he's scared that's the kind of fucking acting i would do so i'll do five different movies where i'm the cop with the fear behind his eyes and i'm gonna go on the supermarket fucking weeping and i'm sitting here and i'm doing a scene where i'm supposed to be crying but i'm acting like a badass but behind

the face you see what i'm really all about nominate me five times in the same fucking year where i'm against myself i won't fucking show up i won't show up five times i'll send in five letters to the fucking oscar board and i'll say hey, I can't come because this shit fucking blows chunks. And I won't do an email. I'll type it out. Fuck that, I'll write it out. I'll write it out five different times and I'll send it to the Oscars.

Nominate someone else because this shit isn't for that. I get so fucking wow i didn't expect this i did not expect this at all i don't know why i'm making them all british because they all are dude they give all the roles to fucking british dudes i didn't expect this at all really you didn't you were nominated dude there was a pretty damn good chance he's going to get it. It'd be weird as fuck if my dog Chen's got it.

I'll tell you that. He could not expect it. But you. Fuck that, dude. Remember when Colin Firth won for King's Speech? That's the kind of acting I would do dude stuttering overboard stuttering where it's so good where you're like whoa he really made a choice but it's still good because the director knew what it was up you know that's why i was watching you know i was watching the other day

naked gun that movie naked gun and it's so fucking good besides the fact that it's funny it's so good and the reason why it's so good is because everybody in that movie, whether an actor, writer, director, they all knew what they were doing. They all knew the tone that they were doing. They were dancing around the tone, all of them, and they were all part of the dance. The director hit the fucking wide shot when the people were doing what they were supposed to be doing in the wide shot. Leslie Nielsen, you say, oh, Leslie Nielsen was the best at that. And he was, but credit doesn't get enough to the director. They were all in the same tone, dude. Mr. Poopy Pence, when he said that, dude, oh, we give you mature adults, right? Isn't that right?

Mr. Poopy Pence, dude, they knew what they were all doing. That's why I fucking think The Matrix is so good. Yeah, it's a fucking ridiculous movie if you just describe it to somebody, but they all knew what they were doing. You could make any movie as long as everybody in the movie all knew what they were doing within the confines of that fucking movie. That's why Matrix 2 and 3 fucking blow donkey dicks. They don't blow donkey dicks. Number 3 blows donkey dicks, though.

Because they got it out of control and they let the studios control it. Matrix 1, nobody gave a shit. Yeah, it was $70 million for a budget, but they were like, okay, well, these Warchowski brothers, they know what they're doing, I guess, probably. Two, three. Number one was such a big hit. Okay, two, this is what we do. Okay, three, this is what we do. And then you got two fucking albino white twins getting hit by cars, cars are flipping over him and you're like man can we just have neo go whoa

or i know kung fu you know what i mean um but yeah dude what was i talking about the fucking um not naked gun before the Naked Gun. Oscars, yeah. When they did that fucking thing on, I made fun of it on TikTok, but, I made fun of it on my TikTok, but the fucking, when ABC put out that fucking, what do the Oscars mean to me? And everybody was just British on it.

I'm just going to play it on my TikTok because that was what it was. That was what the, that's the audio of it. I watched the Oscars because. First of all, didn't finish. Hey, they cut to another person, dude. Let the guy fucking finish. I watched the Oscars because, and then another person. dude. Let the guy fucking finish. I watch the Oscars because... And then another person.

You know what that's like? That's like, hey. Hey, white guy, move over. You're going to make me cry. I watch the Oscars because I love cinema. Oh, yeah? For me, it's like a sports game. Who is going to be the winner this year? Oh, it's like a sports game?

Oh, okay, cool. Mm-hmm. So cock. Mm-hmm. Yep. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Right on sentence, yes. I watch the Oscars because I love movies and I love clothes. I love crying at everybody's emotional speeches. Culture is important. Yep. That's it. That's it. I wrote a quote on my school desk and on all of my notebooks. It's a quote from Marilyn Monroe.

I'm going to be a great movie star someday. Wow. You know? The balls. Everyone's dying. That lady who fucking said I love crying. That lady is so good at acting. If you watch

that, what's that movie where the guy from Doctor Who, the show with the guy from Doctor Who is in it. She's in that in season one. It's called like Bridgetown or some shit. It's a real British thing. It's with the guy from Doctor Who and fucking, this is how I describe goddamn TV shows and movies now.

I don't even know what it's called. Broadchurch. Yes, he got it. Dude, his mind, his mind isn't deteriorating as much as you thought. His mind swooped in dude it's called wow i forget it again broad church dude she's in that and she's so fucking good she does one scene where she is crying and she just she realizes something like about her husband and she she's crying it's like and she starts dry heaving and you're like oh my god this actress

that woman give the os Oscars all to her. And make the Oscars five minutes and give them all to her. God, she's good. I love crying. And then there's fucking A-Rod, you know? God, people are different, dude. You know what I'm talking about? How the fuck is A-Rod a person and also that lady who's like, we love, I love crying.

Like, what? Then you got A-Rod over here just like, she broke up with me. No, I don't know, dude dude I'm just making fun man look this is the thing man people watch this podcast and sometimes they think I'm an asshole they don't understand I'm a real person I get it dude lead with love and I'm serious though

you know I love that shit I love that I love that people go to you know A-Rod is people's heroes like you know kids are like I want to be like that guy, you know, not so much because of steroids, but because he hit so many home runs and he fucking achieved something, you know, and that's great. Um, it's great. Keep telling Kristen to get the coffee, the regular coffee and she gets holiday blend.

It's fucking April. So that's great good not not only do i not want the holiday blend coffee in december i don't want it in april 100 tenfold um so that's what's up i don't know man i fucking. Why couldn't I think of the guy's Broadchurch name? Why couldn't I think of the name Broadchurch? Dude, I'm 41 and I'm just deteriorating, man. I'm trying to, why can't I think of the, I saw a whole season of Broadchurch. Why could I not think of Broadchurch? Why can't I think of the lead actor's name in Broadchurch when I know who it is and I can't remember it?

And then when you start, you know when you can't think of something and you're start, you know, when you can't think of something and you're starting to think of something, you can't think of something. And then you worrying about how come you can't think of it makes it harder to remember in the first place. And now you're just well, well gone. Dude, one time I was doing a show. And I was, and I had to go on stage and they called my name and actually no

when here's when i saw the when i got to the venue it was a bigger venue with like stadium seating and shit and i noticed that in the back entrance you where go, where the loading dock is, the, the garage to the loading dock was coming down and it was down, it was down and it was stopped down halfway. And I was like, oh, when I go up into that opening, I have to remember that the, that the door is down. So I don't hit my head. I have to duck under the door to make sure to do that when I go on stage. So I was like, don't forget Chris, you ever do that in your own head? You're like, okay, but you know how you usually forget. This is what I do to myself. I say, Hey Chris, though, you know how you usually forget stuff. Don't do it this time. And I was chris deal an hour passes and sure enough chris delia and dude i i didn't just hit my head on it

i was excited to go on stage and i leapt my head into the fucking under part of the just it was like i didn't have that just it was like i didn't have that conversation it was like i didn't even see it in the first place smashed my head so hard that i had to like back up against a wall because i was like am i i wasn't like oh i'm gonna pass out but i was like i was at the point where i was like, I better hold the wall because when you think you're, when you think you're going to pass out, it's already too late. So I was like, let me just hold the wall in case I think I'm going to pass out. Okay. The moment passed and I was like, fuck it. I got to go on stage. And I was like, thank God it wasn't that bad because if I was knocked out or if it fucking knocked a screw

loose, I wouldn't be able to remember my act. So again, on stage, I start doing my act and about 14 minutes in, I start thinking, oh, I forgot that I hit my head. That's awesome. It means it didn't do any damage. I'm just up here. Business as usual talking about fucking whatever I was talking about. And I thought all that. And since I thought all that, I then thought, whoa, because I'm still doing my act as I'm thinking that I think, whoa, better get back on track and start thinking about my act because I'm talking to an audience. And then I was like, but don't think too hard about what you're going to say because you don't normally do that when you're up on stage. So don't overcompensate just because

you hit your head and you want to make sure that you don't have any brain damage or something, right? So I start backing off of focusing on every word that I'm saying, because that's what's more normal. But at that point, it was already way too late. So I think, well, I better not just forget what I'm going to say next. And sure enough, I just stopped talking. And I couldn't remember what I was going to say next. Not because I hit my fucking head, because I was worried about what if this did brain damage or some shit. So I stopped and I was like, I got probably, you know, this happens in sometimes when you're doing standup, you'll forget something for three seconds. You're like, I got like three or four seconds.

Nobody's going to notice until like the fifth or sixth second. I'll get it. I'll get it back within five seconds. You just retrace your shit. And i was trying to retrace my shit in my mind three four seconds five seconds six seconds go i'm not saying shit i'm not saying anything i'm just on stage just like in my head i'm like just rewind it dude retrace it you got hit it's fine you got hit in the head it doesn't matter what were you talking about? A deer? And I fucking tried. And then I gave up. I gave up. On stage, thousands of people there. And I just said, hey, guys, I fucking got to be honest with you.

I hit my head so fucking hard before I got on stage, and I was worried that it was going to, like, fuck me up, and now, because I'm worried that was going to fuck me up, I can't remember what the fuck I was going to say in my act, it's not because I have memory loss, it's just because I'm, like, thinking too hard about how I hit my head, everyone starts laughing, and I'm just like, what the fuck was I just talking about, and then people on, in the audience were like, you're talking about this and i was like oh yeah and i was like i'm just gonna fucking let me just back up i'm gonna back up like a minute and i'm just gonna start doing my act and i'll be able to get into it from there and so i backed up started talking about shit that

i already talked about saying it word for word. Like the whole trick of comedy is like, hey, I'm thinking all this stuff up on my own by myself right now. And even though everyone knows you're not, well, some idiots think you're making up everything new every hour. But even though everyone kind of knows that this is an act, they just buy that maybe it's just some guy having a good time at a party, right? And so I back up and I start doing the same fucking thing. And then I get to the point where I forgot and I got it. I'm locked in because now I'm not thinking about it. And I do the part where I stop and everyone's like fucking everyone cheered. They're like, yeah, you fucking did it.

And I was like, just because I hit my head. Thank you. You can't stop me. And I have all you to thank. You know, it was a real cool moment, dude. But I think that that was the beginning really of the end because that was the first moment where i was like ah fuck my head can get to me and now i'm like what's broad church for like a minute and i always go back to that moment i'm like is this like another one of those moments where I fucking hit my head and I'm just overthinking or do I really have Alzheimer's? Broadchurch. Anyway, the fucking

thing is Broadchurch and the lady in it acts so good. And so is the guy. He's like really famous in Britain. That's the guy's name. I should remember Broadchurch. It's like Ray something. Broadchurch. It's like Ray something. Let me look this up and then I'm going to go. Cast. He played Doctor Who. David Tennant. Why is that funny, dude?

She's laughing. Why is it funny? It's Ray something. It's David Tennant, dude. It's whatever, dude. It's David Tennant. It's not Ray. Oh yeah, remember thisant, dude. It's whatever, dude. It's David Tennant. It's not Ray. Oh, yeah. Remember this cast, dude. Olivia Colman.

Is that the lady? She's so good. She's the one that's probably going to win an Oscar this year or something. Or she did. Oh, the favorite, right? I love it because I love crying. Dude, there's a scene in Broadchurch where she figures find something out and just starts dry heaving and i'm like hats off olivia buckman or whatever the fuck your name is hats off when you get to that real fucking vomit level of acting that's it all right that's it alright that's it dude free shipping

on our on the whole store wide crystalia.com free shipping and then also um it's for the next 24 hours free shipping and uh it's but it's domestic it's only domestic so if you live in

Scotland oh you're fucked. I don't know what to tell you. That's it for this episode on YouTube. For the unedited extended version, go to our Patreon and sign up. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Thanks for listening.

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