Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 187. Surpass The Teacher

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  In this week's episode Chris talks about his wonderful mom, his crazy dad, the Paul brothers winning at life, and the wonderful world of Tik Tok comments. Also, Kristin got wasted at a party. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. No, PC Optimum members save more. For exclusive offers and members-only pricing, just scan and save. And don't forget in-stock promise, where you can count on great offers being in-stock or get a rain check. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details. Hey, guys. It's episode 187 of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, it's episode 187 of Congratulations. Oh, you guys, what's going on listen before we even get started um i uh it's uh i i i um i wanted to say that go you know you can support the show with our patreon but also you can buy merch we got merch out there we got the the life rips uh hoodies and the shorts and the and um i'm also

coming out with some new shit uh and some socks i believe but But just living it up, showing you how life rips. Because life can rip if you make it rip. And that's it. And, dude, I don't make the rules. I mean, I make the rules. I made that rule pretty much. It's the only rule I've ever made. But, no, that's not true.

Actually, if you ask Kristen, definitely I've made more rules than I should have. I made that rule about how, she gets on me about how I eat out of the side of my mouth. I put the fucking, when I eat food, I take the food and I don't chomp it.

When I was a kid, I never wanted to chomp it directly because some shit's too hard and some shit's too difficult to eat. I didn't want to chomp it directly in my front teeth because number one, it was too difficult

and number two, the food was too hard and number three, I didn't want to chomp it directly in my front teeth because number one, it was too difficult. And number two, the food was too hard. And number three, I didn't ever want to get food stuck in my, in my teeth, right? In the front teeth, right? I get food stuck in the back teeth. So people can't see that shit. Right. So, um, she was like, I was eating tuna earlier today, the pieces, not the fucking, not tuna fish, but not the tuna fish salad or whatever the fuck they call it, but the regular pieces. And I went to go and I was just taking the slabs. They were seared, you know, and I'd taken the slabs and I was just going to count and I was eating that. And she's like, I don't like how you do that. And I was like, first of all, let me live. Number one, number two, it's better to do that. And she was like, why? And I said, I said, I made, I decided

when I was a kid, I was going to be doing that because it's better that way. And I created that way of eating. And she said, you didn't create it. And I said, yes, I did. And she said, you know, it's so bitch to fucking have to try and think of a way to eat when you can just eat. And I was like, no frigging way, dude, it is not bitch. And I thought of it before I even started eating from the front like this. So I thought about it without even having to correct it. And I did it the right way. So now that we got past that, great. And that's a rule too. Now what is going on here? Why is everything so distracting? Why is everyone looking under the table? What's going on? Is it the dog? Okay. So the dog, the trash dog is eating a fortune cookie. That's fine. Let him fucking do it.

Let's not all go like this. Oh, like there's a fire under the table. So I get fucked up telling my fucking great eating at the side of my mouth story. Okay? I do great stories. And when people are looking at it the other way, when I'm telling a great story and they're going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, then I get all fucked up like a fire is under the table. Okay? And I'm not mad, but I'm just speaking very passionately because this is my passion, baby.

Woo. This is my passion, baby. Woo. So yeah, life rips if you let it rip, life rips if you make it rip and it's a ripping mindset, dude. So, uh, go to chrislea.com and you can go see all that fucking merch. It's hot shit, dude. I'm a a fashionista let's start with mother's day man it was mother's day and it was beautiful and i put up a nice post um on instagram for uh kristin because you know it was mother's day and i wanted to be very loving and uh it was nice it was really nice and i was crying i was writing the caption and i was writing the as i was writing the caption i was crying and she's like why I was crying. And she's like, why are you crying? And I was like, ah, it's nothing. Because what do you say? I'm on Instagram. And so I put it up. But I wanted to say happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out

there. And I hope you celebrate it with your mother. I love my mother very much. She's a very sweet lady. And I am very happy for the way that she raised me. And I just wanted to say that because sometimes we don't, sometimes we get emo on this podcast and sometimes we keep it real. Occasionally we do both and this is both. We're, we're being a little bit emo, but we're also keeping it real. I love my mommy. Okay. And that's that. Um, but I also wanted to say something else because I put this on my Instagram story and I think it's important to say emo, keeping it real, the worlds collide. And, uh, but I wanted to say,

it must be hard for people who have lost their mothers. Mother's day must be hard for people who have lost their mothers, especially if it just happened. This is your first Mother's Day where you don't have your mom. It's got to be hard. And nobody ever fucking talks about that. Nobody ever talks about those people or how it might be hard. And nobody ever talks about that. And it's probably still hard, even if you lost your mom 20 years ago. Mother's Day is a reminder that your mom isn't alive on this earth anymore. And that's got to be hard. And I just wanted to say, because I put on my Instagram story, and after I did, I was like, I don't hear too many people talking about that. So I wanted to say this on

a larger platform here, this podcast. And I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you guys, too. And I'm sure it's bittersweet because you have fond memories of your moms and all that stuff. But anyway, let's get into some silly goose time because that was very emo and very real. And I just wanted to also talk about my dude. I was at my parents' place for actual Mother's Day. And I don't need the phone up there because I have the notes here. I was at my parents' place for actual Mother's Day. And my and my dad made pasta now my dad does the cooking in the family and my dad rips it cooking dude it really does he makes a good pasta sauce and that is so new jersey you know

uh his pasta sauce is good dude it gets you here it gets you right here his gravy the gravy he makes uh it's so new jersey to call pasta sauce gravy. Makes you think of fucking turkey gravy all over the pasta. It'd be so fucking gross. And a pizza pie. Ew. Anyway, he makes a great gravy sauce. You understand?

Sorry, little kids, but I'm going to kill a clown today. Anyway, my dad makes a good fucking sauce, and he made it, and he killed that shit. Sometimes he puts meatballs in it, but sometimes he's filling it a little bit, and he'll put sausage in it. And sometimes he's filling it a bit more, and he'll put steak in it. He'll put chunks of steak just in the pasta. And if you're not Italian or if you're not familiar with pasta, like my ex-girlfriend just didn't like pasta. And I was just like, excuse me, are you human? But she just didn't like pasta that much. And I have another buddy who pretends he doesn't like it because he likes to have six packs. He's like, I don't like pasta.

I ate enough when I was a kid. And I'm just like, you're making excuses. Just say you don't want to eat it because you want that washboard tummy. So if're one of those people if you're not one of those if you're one of those people that doesn't really live by the pasta you know my family we ate pasta every other day but dude um we ate uh you can throw steak and pasta but you might be like steak chunks a steak and pasta? Ugh. It's good. It was Mother's Day. My dad was doing something special. So he was putting chunks of steak and sausage in bow tie pasta. All right? That's what he did with his fucking beautiful gravy.

You understand? So we get to the house. I notice the chunks of steak and the sausage and the pasta. And I'm like, God damn. So I took some out of the bowl and I put three pieces of sausage in my bowl with my pasta. Okay. And I went to bring it back down to the table and eat it. Now I watch my dad take a bunch of fucking pasta, a bunch of pieces of steaks and some sausage, put it in the bowl.

I go sit, goes to sit down. Pasta, a bunch of pieces of steaks and some sausage, put it in the bowl. I go sit, goes to sit down. And as he's walking down, I say, hey, how many pieces of meat do you think you like to have in each bowl of pasta? And he says, I have no idea. This is the thing here where it sets me apart from my dad. Like if you were to meet me and then see my dad out somewhere, you'd be like, that's Chris D'Elia's dad.

He just looks like me a lot. And even more than that, he acts like me. But this is the part where it's like he was the teacher and he taught me and I'm the student and I surpassed it. Because this dude, my dad would definitely get on somebody for saying the wrong thing or not being specific enough, but not as much as me. So now I'm so he says, I have no idea. And I'm just like, how could you eat pasta with chunks of meat in it and not know how many pieces of meat generally you might like in each bowl?

OK. And I said and I left it alone. I left it alone because sometimes Kristen talks to me about my tone and I'm like I don't want to be doing the tone let's learn from this experience and let's not talk about let's not push you understand but I want to know right that's where I get into trouble that's where your boy gets into trouble when we're hanging out having a good time somebody does something it's not specific enough and I ask them about it and then they say something that's still not specific enough and then i get this but okay but i want to

know that's when your boy is on a slippery slope okay so i back off because kristen's there and even though yeah sure i got my my brother there that's definitely willing to back me up because he's very specific too uh i back off and I chill. And I'm like, you know what? I got my son here. Let's just be a family. So we sit down and we're eating pasta and everyone's having a good time. Your boy can't drop it. Your boy can't drop the feeling. Your boy cannot drop the feeling. My dad lied. My dad lied to me. In my head, my dad lied to me. He said he never thought about how many pieces of meat that he would want in the fucking pasta. Okay. So I'm eating the fucking thing and I'm eating, and I'm eating my sausage. And I'm like, that's

the first piece, you know, I'm eating this. I'm eating the fucking pasta. And I go, there's the second piece that I knew I put in there. All right, cool. I got one more piece. Cause I know three pieces are in there. You put three to four pieces of meat in the fucking pasta when the bowls are this size so i say hey dad you know when you said you put a bunch when i asked you how many pieces of meat goes in a bowl of pasta you said you have no idea and he's just eating the shit just he says yeah and i'm like well but what what do you mean you have no idea that there is how many pieces of meat would be in the bowl and he just goes like this and he kind of like giggles a little bit but he's like can i just eat my fucking pasta and i I'm just like, yeah, but certainly there's a difference between one piece of meat in the bowl of pasta and 25 pieces of meat in the bowl of pasta. Right.

And he says, yeah. I said, would you put 25 pieces of meat in a bowl of pasta? And he was like, that would just be a bowl of meat. And I said, you know not to do that right and he said yeah and i i and i said what about 24 and he says too much i said well what about 23 and he said that's too much and i said 22 and i went down i got to about 19 and he says i just don't want are you going to keep going down the whole time i don't want to and i was like because you know there's a number that matters there's a number of pieces of meat in one pasta bowl that matters where you go like this okay yeah that's not too much. So now we got a number. Dude, we got a number. Is it nine? Is it eight?

Is it five? Because I looked down and I counted. I said, how many pieces of meat you got? And he says, I don't know. He said, well, I ate three and there's four left. So I said, wow, so seven's a lot. He said, yeah. I said, did you know you put seven in there?

And he said, no, i didn't think about it and i said that is absolutely bonkers to me man you can make the bowl the way you want to make it and then eat it the way you want to eat it but you don't even fucking think about that huh and he said no he said i don't give a fuck and i was like that is unbelievable matt what do you think about that because i'm in a roundtable discussion now it's fucking live and in charge with Bill Maher, whatever the fuck his show is called. What's it called? Real time? Yeah, real time. Live and in charge, dude. So I'm talking and I say, Matt, and he says, what? And I says,

what do you think? And says oh yeah no i mean i think that's crazy and he said and he said well how many pieces of meat do you think should go in a bowl and he said i don't know about four and i said that's about how many pieces of meats i think should be in a pasta bowl and uh basically dude don't live a life where you don't know how much pieces of meat you want in a fucking bowl that you're gonna put in your body dude well i'm getting a sandwich well hey well what kind of sandwich you want a turkey sandwich that's what he would say so what kind of fucking say oh no oh i'm just gonna get you a pastrami sandwich and give you that if you don't give a fuck what's going on in the bowl that you're going to put in your body. I let it go-ish. You know, we talked a little bit about it,

but I let it go-ish. And we agreed to disagree because I'm learning. Your boy is learning. Your boy is learning. The bad coffee. The bad coffee. It's caramel flavored. Woohoo! We fucking hate caramel flavor. We like regular coffee and I drank it and it's caramel flavor.

Last time it was cinnamon flavor. And before that, I asked her to get the regular flavor and she didn't get it and I had cinnamon flavor and I didn't like it and I said, well, make sure to get the regular flavor and she didn't get it and now I have Camembert flavor. It is the leagues above that cinnamon bullshit, dude. Dude. And before she made it for me, thank you very much, by the way. I love that you did that. And since I'm working on myself and I'm a good person now, I really appreciate that you made that coffee. And I think about it sometimes. I think about all of the things that you do and thank you. You're a great mom, you're a great partner, and you're just great.

You know? You know, I have a rule when somebody asks me something twice and I respond twice, that's the end of that phase of the conversation. So she said, well, I didn't get the real, the right coffee like and i said still and she said yeah and i said all right well fucking whatever who cares but i i'm not having that cinnamon bullshit she says well look we've got caramel and cinnamon and i go god that's so awful and i said i want the caramel she said you sure you don't want the cinnamon i was like i don't want the fucking cinnamon cinnamon coffee is awful dude might as well have fucking fucking Pepto-Bismol coffee. And so she says, well, okay.

Do you want to have it? Do you want me to put sugar and milk in it? It'll help it taste better. And I said, nah, bro. There's hair on my chest yeah sorry for the people who only listen that's fucking hair on my chest okay do i want sugar and cream in my in my in my caramel coffee dude hold on for a second just for the people who are listening at

home let me get it's hair on my chest okay i i don't i don't i don't drink milk and and and sugar in my coffee i'm a 41 year old i'm a-old man, and I identify as a male, okay? So I say, no, I don't want that in there. And she says, well, it might make it taste better. And I says, yeah, but I would not like that on there. Thank you. And she says, no. And then there's a beep.

And I'm like, cool. And I walk out. And she says, hey, babe. And I'm like, yeah? And she says, I can just put a little bit of sugar in and a little bit of cream and it'll still taste a lot better. And I said, nah, I don't want that. Thanks. Thanks, though.

And she says, if I put a little bit of sugar and just a little bit of cream, are you sure you don't want that? And I looked at her for a while, and then I went about my business. I didn't answer it a third time, because I answered it twice. And then she said, you're so fucking rude. I think I was polite. I answered twice and thank you very much for making my coffee I keep thinking about how you do nice things like that

thank you wherever you're going you better believe American Express will be right there with you heading for adventure? we'll help you breeze through security meeting friends a world away? you can use your travel credit We'll be right back. backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Anyway, dude. Previously on Congratulations.

Is this cinnamon? Yay, yay. I don't like it like that. Yay. Dude, I picked, oh my god. Christian was like, I have a birthday party to go to and I was like okay she was like so just so you know I'm gonna be going out and um

I don't want you know just you gotta stay with Calvin and I'm like alright cool and she's like alright see ya she goes and she's like it's from seven to nine so i'll be home at nine you know it's like you already know oh this is gonna be a 1 a.m you know just so you know it's at seven and anytime you're telling anybody how long

anything is you know it's you're trying to convince yourself if you don't otherwise you're like i don't know i don't know i'm just going i'll be back it'll you know but she's like seven to nine we're having dinner and so she's by by eight she's sending me videos just of like literally her friends crashing drinks breaking bottles on top of their heads. One of them has a pink fucking cowboy hat on. And Kristen's literally in the background of the videos going, hey, hey. I'm like, she never made this noise before. Hey, hey.

Like she's a fucking like, like is on TikTok or some shit. I don't even know what that noise is, but it's like a new noise people are making. And so she's fucking lit, dude. She's just, and she is the best at drinking, dude. She is the best. All she does is laugh.

And dude, she hasn't been out. It's been two years. I mean, I don't even know how long. She just, she's such a good mom. She just wants to be with Calvin and she doesn't go out. And she was like, I don't know if she was trying to trick herself.

She was like, I'm not gonna. She drove the car and I was like, if you drink, just make sure you have somebody to drive it back or we leave it there or whatever the fuck to be safe she's like yeah i don't know it's all dude lit as fuck by eight okay and so she's like calls me at fucking a uh 10 something and she's like we're gonna go back we're gonna go we're gonna did you want to come me did you want to meet and i'm this was in the middle of my postmates fiasco the guy had stolen

stolen my food i had already ordered it again so i'm like look babe they fucked up the postmate shit i'm ordering it again the guy stole it and then fucking i'm still waiting and she's like okay you know it's not that far from you you can meet i'm gonna drop the car up it and then fucking i'm still waiting and she's like okay it's not that far from you you can meet i'm gonna drop the car up there and it's all good you're gonna meet us on street and i was like all right i'll let you know when i get my food all right so she gets to the place of the birthday girl the house it's not far and she's there and she texts me, I smoked weed. And I said, ha ha ha ha, that's funny.

Are you good? And she texts me a bunch of S's. And I write, that's true. And she writes, yeah, it is. And then she calls me and I pick up and she hangs up. And then I say, y'all good? And she texts me, help me. me help me and i say babe you want me to come get you and she says yeah and i say okay i'll be right there and i drive over i know she's fine because she's with like really trust trustworthy people and shit and she was sending me videos so i drive there i get there scrape my car on the fucking because the driveway is like it literally is like a fucking half pipe so i basically just crash into

a wall this is the fucking friend's driveway this is a driveway is like this this is her friend's driveway. So I just go, open up the front door. And all of a sudden there's a horse dog that punches me in the nuts. She has a fucking horse. The fucking girl that she's friends with has a horse dog and it fucking, and it boxes, dude. It literally gets up on its thing and it goes into my nuts. So now I scrape my fucking lowrider and I also scrape my nuts. Great.

Cool. I got boxed in the nuts and need to go to the auto shop. So I get there. Everyone's having a blast you know when you walk into a party there's like 11 people and you're the person that's like go to pick someone up and you're like okay hey and everyone's just like boogie nights we don't care we just came to party or it's just like fucking what's this it's boom boom boom. I want you in my room. Let's spend the night together. And I'm just like, is Kristen here?

And there's 11 people, but somehow there's 300 people. It's just, have you guys seen? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding and i and i'm like where can we and i'm and i see her and she goes like this oh my god the dog hit you the nuts what's up and i'm like hey what's up and she cugs me and she's laughing and she goes like this and she says in my ear she says help me i'm like well i'm right here i say this is my friend eric this is my friend dawson. This is my friend Lisa and Harry and Perry and Perry and Cherry. And I'm like, oh, cool. Hi, everybody. I've met all of you before. I don't know why she thinks I haven't.

It's probably because she took one puff of weed. Anyway, she doesn't get out much. Our child is at home. And so she's like, are you ready to go? And I'm like, yeah, sure, you know. And she's like are you ready to go and i'm like i got yeah sure you know and she's like this is my friend he wants to be a son of comedian he doesn't really want to but i'm pressuring him that's what she said and he's like yeah i don't know no he wants to be a comedian he doesn't he shouldn't be he thinks he's not going to be a comedian but i'm pressuring him to be a comedian because he's funny he's funny help me help me and then fucking it's her birthday and she crashed

the drinks over her head and i broke i have a video of it and i'll bluetooth it to you is it bluetooth and i'll video to it and then so she was wearing a pink cowboy hat because she saw a guy on TikTok with a pink cowboy hat. We got a pink cowboy hat. And then we got her an Ikea cake. We got her a cake that has an Ikea bucket hat. And I'm just like,

are all of these sentences, sentences that a sniper is supposed to hear and take one of us out? Because none of them make sense with what we're talking about bring in the ikea cake what got him he she's wearing a pink cowboy hat i so i picked her up and we went home. And she was laughing.

She was laughing. She was laughing. And then we went to bed and then we woke up and I tried to get her to drink a lot of water as she was going to bed. And then we woke up and she was like, I don't feel good. And I was like, I tried to have you drink water. That's what you get for drinking and doing one puff of weed. Don't do weed, dude. It's bad for you.

God, man. Nah, you should do weed if you want to do weed. Anyway, that's what happened. That was Mommy's Night Out. And it was good. It's nice to see fucking people out there getting back to normal and doing shit, you know?

I rolled into the house and I'm fucking double vaccinated. And I fucking walked in and I didn't even think about it. People were just breathing on me and shit. And I was just like, I guess it'll be fine. I guess it'll be fine. Woke up the next morning. My throat was dry. I thought about it a little bit too much.

And then I thought I was maybe going to have COVID. But it's okay. Even if I do have it, it's fine because I got double vaccinated. Some people never have fun. You know what I'm talking about? Or actually, some people just never laugh. And those people are the weirdest fucking people to me like what about like what about like rappers for real what about rappers do you ever like i mean some rappers of course they have a sense of humor but you know

who i'm talking about like the rappers who are you who are just like nah b you know i mean like what about that guy what about laughing so hard that you want to piss yourself nah b nah b i ain't in all that and you're like i'm just fucking making fun of the way you eat french fries nah b not around here you know nah b that's that's that's for you man that's for you dog that's for you y'all want to do that on your own time that's fine but nah nah not here not here at the rocky cola cafe while i'm eating my fries dog and you're just like what about laughing though, dude? I know comedians that don't laugh.

Like fucking famous ones. I've never heard them laugh loud, ever. And I'm around them all the time because I was at the clubs and shit. And they just are just, you make jokes and everyone's laughing. From the biggest comedian to the smallest comedian. But one of them is just like, nah, B. And he'll be nameless, because I'm not going to fucking call him out, because we don't tattletale on this motherfucker.

You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, dude. Here comes the comments. Who do you think the comedian was? I think it was this guy. I think it was that guy. It wasn't any of the ones you're fucking thinking of. You're always wrong whenever I see those comments.

You're always fucking wrong. Who do you think he's talking about when he was, how he got backstabbed? Who do you think it was? Some guy's just like, I think it was Tom Papa. It's just not, you're never right. I tell you what, dude. I tell you what I'm thinking of right now and what I've been thinking of. And I want to say this with no irony, uh, no funny business. Uh, I want to be honest about this and I think it might come to, uh, it might be, uh, shocking to some people,

but I really mean this. When I say this, I am a big fan of the Paul brothers. I am a fan of Logan Paul and I am a fan of Jakeake paul okay period that's it no cap okay it's lit it's so fucking lit and uh they are what they are doing is so fucking dope it's illicit and i will tell you a lot of you aren't in on the joke you don't get what they're doing but these motherfuckers made it they did it by tricking you dude they're good at what they do they work hard as shit and you motherfuckers are getting mad when you just don't get it. They're performance artists. Dude, I have been a Logan Paul fan for a while now.

I didn't know much about Jake Paul up until the fight. He won. Good for him. Wasn't rigged. People are like, it's rigged. Nah, I'm not buying that shit. He fucking punched him and the guy fell down. All right. You win. Logan works hard as shit. He's going to fight Floyd Mayweather. Dude, he made it. That's the best boxer arguably in history. Okay? Greatest of all time.

And this YouTuber worked hard and did what he did. And now he's fighting Floyd Mayweather. Okay? He's opening up Pokemon cards and shit and being like, these ones are... Do you, dude? He found an alley a niche he found a uh a creek in the door and busted it wide the fuck open now obviously i made the joke about the fucking twitter thing years ago about how uh when you film it on youtube whatever the fuck and uh about the guy dying and And I actually wish I didn't

do that because that was just adding to the fucking, um, mob. And the guy already felt bad himself. Um, had I known what I know now, I wouldn't have done that, but you know, he, uh, is a good dude. I met him, uh, a few times he was at the comedy store, uh, all around good dude i met him uh a few times he was at the comedy store uh all around good dude uh but this is about jake paul i didn't know much about jake paul until the fight he won the fight i was like okay cool he beat a fighter uh but the thing that made me go all in with Jake Paul happened the other day with the Floyd Mayweather fight. Sorry, the conference. What do they call it? The fucking weigh-in?

Was it the weigh-in? I don't know. Whatever. Press conference. When Logan was at the press conference with Floyd Mayweather. And Logan was just like a pig in shit. He was just like, I can't believe I'm up here. This is awesome.

I can't believe. By the way, Logan's like got this attitude. I already won. And he did. Who cares if he fucking loses against the greatest boxer of all time? Who cares? Do you know what I mean? It'd be like fucking Chubby Checkers fought Muhammad Ali.

Who gives a shit? And who gives a shit if he loses? He already won and so uh so jake paul is there and he's like face to face with floyd mayweather and they're arguing first of all if you're floyd fucking mayweather why are you arguing anywhere at all, ever, anywhere. Your life, you're the top, you're the best at what you do. You wear monochromatic outfits and you have $14 million watches. Do you know what I mean? And these, Jake Paul's in his face like, fuck you, this and that. And Floyd Mayweather's like, fuck you, fuck you. And everyone's around. jake paul grabs his fucking hat send me the link of it by the way it's on his instagram grabs floyd mayweather's hat and says got your hat and tucks it into his armpit and floyd mayweather's body

guards are like drop trying to drop him and the part that kills me about it is he keeps saying gotcha hat over and over again. That is, when I tell you I laughed, when I tell you I laughed, I'm going to play it for you. Here. Let's make it happen. Yes, sir. Get the pet work with his butt. Get Al Hammond. Absolutely. I don't need Al Hammond. Let me make it happen. Yes, sir. Get the pet work with his butt. Get Al Haney. Absolutely.

I don't need Al Haney. Let me call Al Haney. I'm my own boss. I'm my own boss. One night. Got your hat. Got your hat. Got your hat.

All right, all right. Chill, chill. He's not saying it. There's nine guys on him, and it's hard for him to say it. Let's do it. He's going, got your hat. Got your hat. Dude, this is amazing. How can you look at that and be like, fuck that, fuck that guy.

He knows what he's doing. The guy, he's not a fucking pigeon. He's got a brain. He knows what the fuck is... He knows what he's doing. He's being a fucking silly goose, dude. I am a fucking Jake Paul fan. No irony. No cap or whatever the fuck.

It's so freaking lit. Let's make it happen. Yes, sir. Get the pet work for this boy. Get Al Haney. Absolutely. I don't need Al Haney. Let me call Al Haney.

I'm my own boss. I'm my own boss. One night. Got your hat. Got your hat. Got your hat. Chill, chill. Chill, chill, chill. Chill, chill.

Chill, chill. Dude, the last one. Absolutely. Wow, the last one. Country man. The last one. Country man. Oh, fuck.

I'm so sweaty, dude. It's crazy. It's good. It's good. I'm losing weight. You know what I mean? It's good. I'm losing weight. I'm getting real lean, fuck. I'm so sweaty, dude. It's crazy. It's good. It's good. I'm losing weight. You know what I mean? It's good. I'm losing weight.

I'm getting real lean, dude. I'm going to fight one of these guys. You got a tattoo here? Oh, no. His tattoo says gotcha hat yeah how could you not how could you not like this it's how could you not like this it's not not look I I think what he's doing is great okay but if you don't if you don't think what he's doing is great you you you have to understand that it's your fault that he's that great.

This is performance art. This is jackass, but better. Do you understand? And I don't want people to be like, fuck, Jackass was awesome. And I love Steve-O, dude. He's one of the nicest guys. And I'm not saying Jackass is bad,

but they were like eating each other's shit. You know what I mean? And like throwing skateboards into their necks he's getting a tattoo of gotcha hat because he stole floyd mayweather's hat he's in a position first of all he's in that position to where he's arguing with the greatest boxer steals his hat off his head, and then gets a tattoo of the quote he said when he did that. I think it's great. But if you don't, you have to understand it's your fault that he is that great because you're the ones he's reacting to

people don't understand this it's like back in the day when people were the the joke on that fucking the howard stern movie private parts and the guy was like um yeah well his listening has doubled and they're like what how's that happen he says well the people that uh love howard stern listen to him on average an hour a day and they were like what well and they were like yeah and if the people that hate him listen to him two hours a day it's like dude it's it's it's you you're the guy that he's talking to. He wins. You fucked up. And I'm glad you fucked up.

Because I want this guy in the world. I want him in the world. Anyway. Anyway, let's check these. Let's check it out here. Dogecoin tanked. Cool. That was cool.

Going to sleep and then waking up and Dogecoin tanked. Yippee. I'm sweatier than a motherfucker right now. Nah, B. I want to read some of these. I posted a TikTok. I posted a TikTok. It was some stand-up of my shit and it went viral my left stroke just went viral the producers of that song

just on a casio hand on his hip hey what's up I'm the producer for you hey what's up oh nice to meet you fucking what's his name the rapper left stroke just went viral nice to meet you Kendrick Lamar my name is Scott Storm probably anyway nice

to meet you let's do a let's do a song you like this what do you? I got this beat. Hand on his hip. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, hell yeah. My left stroke just went viral. Ah. Ah. Ah. Meow. that was just a fucking scene if anyone's home uh um yeah dude i mean dude this shit what was the fucking 50 cent song the the

wankster oh my god when that shit when that fucking song came out i was just like did i get them what happened what Did I get dumb? What happened? Hi, my name is Scott Storm, probably. What's your name? 50 Cent? All right. This is the producer I got. This is the song I got. Hand on his hip.

And basically, it just pretty much does that for like five minutes. Dude, it made fucking... Actually, that song I think was two minutes and 22 seconds or something like that. And that was... Songs should only be that long. Put your hands where my eyes can see. Busta Rhymes. Song was two minutes, 22 seconds. Thank you, Busta Rhymes.

You did a song that got in it, got out, you did your business, and I want more. So let me put it on repeat. I took a dunk, dunk, dunk, shh, shh, shh. I took a dunk, dunk, dunk, shh, shh, shh. Hit you with no delay, that's what you're saying, yo. Met him once at the comedy store. He said, hey, I'm Busta.

Ah. Oh, but what do I call you? That's what I always want to say to people. Who have like fucking, one guy said, hey, what's up? My name is Seven. I met him at a diner. He said, my name is Seven. What's yours?

And I said, oh, but what do I call you? Because I can't be in a position to where I'm just calling you a number. because I can't be in a position to where I'm just calling you a number. My left stroke just went viral, but what was I talking about? Why did I bring that up? What? TikTok? Why did I talk about, why did that even come up, dude?

We fly by the seat of our pants, my baby. That's what we do. Oh, viral. Yeah, because my shit went viral. There we go. Woo. So my thing went viral there we go so my thing went viral i put it on there and i want to look at some of the fucking it's one of my older bits well yeah it's about four years old five years old and uh it was about fitspo culture which whatever you don't need to hear it. You can go to my TikTok if you want to, but dude, you got to look

at these comments. You got to look at these comments, man. You got to look at these comments. When a TikTok video goes viral, viral, you get the people that all of a sudden don't understand. Like, if you're kind of viral, you can get into that mode where people are like, oh yeah, this is

cool, this is funny, great. But if you go really viral, you get the people that are just absolutely brain dead. I don't know if they're fucking two years old, do you know? And just learn how to work a keyboard. So I make fun of fitness influencers and about how, you know, the whole joke is, dude, who do you, who are you inspiring? Like, why are you so inspirational? Like, who gives a shit? All you do is work out and eat extra chicken, right? Stupid, silly joke, whatever the fuck.

It's not stupid. It's good, I think. But look at, first of all, one guy says, seems beta. Okay, which made me laugh. Next guy, sounds pretty beta to me. Different comment, not under his comment, okay? Another guy says, tell me you can't bench 225 without telling me you can't bench 225 oh oh that's sad you said that somebody said so you're one of them huh

and it's so funny you look at these guys dude it's so funny when you see these guys oh the guy's got oh dude the guy who made that comment, his profile picture, he's wearing one of those fucking hoodies with no sleeves on it. Oh, dude, how mixed up in your life are you if you're wearing a fucking hoodie with no sleeves on it? You hot or cold, dude? Put sleeves on. Get that fucking hoodie off. Also, you're inside the gym. Get it together dude

look at this if they're proud of it let them be proud yeah okay that's not what i'm saying but you know that because you're a person somebody writes beta energy well it's really throwing this beta thing around look at Beta energy. What was it? Just really throwing this beta thing around. Look it. Look, this, this is great too. Cause he's kind of on my side. This one, I mean, dude's a comedian, so I get it, but people do be inspiring.

He don't got that fire in him i guess then a guy replies to that guy says facts bruh i guess lazy people don't like being reminded that they could be doing more and then that first guy writes to that guy for real for real man like what you enjoy doing nothing all the time these guys are friends now they don't they're they're they're i don't get it friends these two guys are two guys that are just like, what's he talking about? You don't know either? You want to go to the movies? You got, do you know what a comedian is?

Why is he yelling on stage? He's with nobody? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hear people laughing, but I don't see them. You don't get it? No? You want to go to Cracker Barrel?

You want to go to Red Robin? We're friends now. We made friends in the comments. Dude, they made friends in the comments of a TikTok! Ha ha ha! Pretty beta, bud. Another guy. pretty beta bud another guy let's see what it says

oh god damn if oh this is great oh this guy's jacked oh he's he thinks he's more jacked than he is but the profile picture looks jacked. He says, if you're small, just say that. How could you? Hey, whoa, you guys are going to the movies? Can I come? Did you guys say that you were going to Red Robin? Did you have a table that fits three?

Oh, fuck, dude. I just love it. Some guy writes, some do it for their mental health. Some do it because they've been bullied their whole life. Some do it just because they want to be in shape. The fuck is that? A Paul Simon song? Some do it for their mental health.

Some do it because they've been bullied their whole life. Some do it just because they want to keep in shape. What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, okay. Start a blog. You guys starting a blog in my fucking comments. You know what I mean? Like, what's happening?

Somebody said something, and I can't find it, god damn it. Of course I can't find it god damn it of course i can't find it but somebody wrote something like that and they and they had a a fucking profile picture of a cartoon and uh i said thank i said thanks a cartoon dude i i don't i don't like i just i do it for me you know like i fucking goddamn do it for me man or do it for me like i i fucking listen bro i listen i i fucking listen to a clip of my podcast and i laughed okay do the shit you want to do if you're like that's the thing it's like do the shit that you think is good that's the i think that this is one of the problems with with entertainers and performers and shit not like i'm the best ever but like i think people who want to

be in the entertainment industry whether it be comedian or music, they think, what do people like? I got to do that. But you got to do what you, you don't have to do what you like. You have to do what you think is funny or you think is musically good. And you lose sight of that. I think that people lose sight of that. But like a painter, why the fuck would you paint anything other than a fucking painting that you like, that you would want to hang in your fucking house? You know what I'm talking about? Bro, I got to be an artist so I can just paint whatever the fuck I want to, put it on my wall and be like, there, that's what I wanted. God, I got to tell this shit to my son and make sure he really breathes it in.

So if you're small, just say so? Wow, guy thought he had some real shit there. But I just sat and laughed, dude. Deep belly laughs. Deep rolling on the couch laughs. And I'm sweating. We should have turned the air on in the beginning and we didn't and it's okay. Now my fucking body is drenched. and I'm sweating. We should have turned the air on in the beginning, and we didn't, and it's okay.

Now, my fucking body is drenched. People might think I'm a merman that just got out of his home, but I'm a human. But I'm Jackson Human. Fucking God, I love it. I love it. Anyway, I got fucking... uh fucking god i love it i love it anyway yeah fucking my left stroke just went viral are you guys going to red robins um i guess that's it dude i mean i have let's see anything else keep it moving okay what else did I

was I gonna talk about oh I fucking I gave we went to put Calvin to bed the last it was last night and for the first time ever you know you're not supposed to put things in his crib because of because of suffocation

and shit and the first night I was like Because of suffocation and shit. And the first night I was like, we were at my parents' house for Mother's Day. And he loved this moose toy that my dad had because he directed Northern Exposure. And the moose was the mascot thing for the Northern Exposure thing. And he loved it. He was just like taking the moose and looking at it he was dancing with it and ripping it back and forth and shit and having a good time with it for never likes a stuffed animal this much and fucking loved the moose and um so we were like can we bring it

and my dad was like of course and then so we brought it home and i was like this is a good first toy that he could sleep in the crib with and i was like so cute so i put in the moose in the crib with him and he just went out immediately and uh the moose was just chilling in the in the in the crib all night you know and it was so cute i would every now and then i would check it and i would see him sleeping and he would be in a different position sometimes on his face sometimes on his back sometimes doing a fucking michael jordan pose like he's about to dunk and the moose was always in the same place i woke up in the morning and i looked in the nanit and the moose was fucking nowhere to be found and i was like

what the fuck and we walked in and the moose was on the floor and i was like isn't that just a fucking isn't that just how life is you know you think it's gonna go one way and it just goes another I thought he liked the fucking moose not in the morning apparently that's a fucking night time toy he woke up in the middle of the night and just goes like this the fuck does my dad think what the fuck does my dad think

that he could put this toy in the crib first of all i'm just trying to like rag my brain at this point have ever had a toy in the crib no so i sleep fine i've heard him talk about on the podcast before that i sleep fine i'm a fucking good sleeper i thought i wonder why he would change that thing I hope that this is what he's thinking, because this means that... So it's been good. This means he's a delirious. It's been good, you know.

Sleeping's been good. I've been sleeping 13 hours straight through tonight. Have I woke up crying once? No, I never have, even when I have tummy aches. Even when I have pains from shots that they give me. I got tummy aches. I don't wake them up.

I know that they need their sleep, and I wanted to be a good kid. And all of a sudden, who's going to just put a moose in there? That's odd. That's a fucking moose. Just toss it out. I hope when they wake up

and they come in, they know. They see that moose and they know. They know that this student is going to surpass that teacher. I am going to be the craziest delir of all time. There will be no mooses or any stuffed animal of any nature in my crib. From now till eternity. And I will sleep in the crib for the rest of my life.

Because I will be the craziest to live all time. fuck all right guys i'm done and i'm done because i'm hot temperature and looks um have a good time have a good night I hope you really enjoyed it dude sign up for the Patreon really it fucking and go to chrislea.com we got merch but sign up for the Patreon dude go look at the tears you know just

fucking surf around and be like alright cool send it to a friend if you like the podcast tell another friend about it send them a fucking YouTube clip you know what I mean

do the diligence. Wow, fuck that word up. Hey guys, that's it for the episode on YouTube. If you sign up for the Patreon, you can get the longer extended uncut episode of this episode. And you can also get a bunch of free bonus content if you sign up for the Patreon

and you can also get one extra episode a month. You know, it's like, it's good. So go check out patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia go check it out and sign up if you'd like congratulations congratulations congratulations

motherfucking Bob you Hold on, hold on, hold on. And then chili, cheese, fries, vegetarian, ranch on side.