Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 188. Drop the Notebook

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

🎉 Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  🔔 Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  🎽 Merch: https://store.chrisdelia.com  🎧 Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/2Knvv7v  In this week's episode Chris discusses a wild episode of 20/20, a painful disc golf shot, and his realization that people don't lie about sushi. Also, some people take liberties. 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply something very exciting here at congratulations Podcast. We have new limited edition merch drop. We have a limited edition of new colorways that are Life Rips hoodies, shorts, and also hats. We have fucking trucker hats. Because guess what, baby? Back in style, dude.

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limited edition Life Rips merch. What's up, baby? This is the podcast. Congratulations. All right, man. It's on. And it's on because I said so. This is Eric Wright.

What's his name? E-V-E-Z-E. That's him. And it's on and it's on because I said so. So fucking hard to be in a relationship with them probably anyway um what's up dude we're just chilling here having a good time and i tried to book a a car ride for um my uh my fiance's dad to get here and the guy asked me uh what my last name was for the account, and I said Delia, and he said, can you spell that? And I said, D-E-L-I-A, and he said, can you spell that again, please? I said Delia, D-E-L-I-A, and he said, oh, so Delia? And I said, sure, because why would you

argue with somebody that you never met and don't even know what they look like? Isn't that right, dude? I say, sure. If that's how you want to do it, then sure. Okay? That's fine. That's how you want to do it. Then sure. Okay. That's fine. Love starting this podcast. Love starting this podcast pissed. Fuck yeah, dude.

Previously on Congratulations. Um, you know, dude, we have a good time and we keeps it real and it's all good and those are the three most important rules of life we have a good time we keeps it real and it's all good so um why don't we just lead with that even though um we do it is what it is and it is what it is that's another thing that you got to remember a bunch of things it is what it is. And it is what it is. That's another thing that you got to remember a bunch of things. It is what it is. Uh, it's all good. And you, whatever, it's fine, dude. Today I was, I was, I was done working out. I got my fucking, my thighs all nice. They were just, I was doing squats. I was doing a rear foot elevated split squats squats and you're probably like wow that's

a tough workout that's amazing you did all that i'm not done yet i also did uh freaking chin-ups and you're probably like whoa that's crazy that that's wild that's crazy when you're gonna work out next i'm like well i'm not done yet i ain't done yet i ain't done yet and um and uh i did uh And I did also fucking, what else did I do? Oh, the rows, back rows. You're probably like, wow. I'm like, oh, I ain't done yet. And then I did also other leg things that I can't remember, which is great. Fucking can't even.

Oh, yeah, step throughs, the fucking lunge step throughs. And I also did core. And he did core. And he did fucking core. So I did lots of stuff from my chest on down. I'm just, and then from my, and my back is all nice. It's like a, you know, it's like a turtle. So, um, but I, you know, and I also, it's like a turtle cause I move very slow, uh, So, but, you know, and also it's like a turtle because I move very slow after I work out. But I was done working out, almost vomited right there, but I was done working out. And then Kristen was like, I have a headache.

Can you get me ibuprofen? And I was like, guess I'm the butler, but sure, you know, guess I'm the butler, but sure. But I said, yeah, sure. And it's always under the sink in the bathroom. And she said, you know what? There may not be any more under the sink in the bathroom, but you may have to use the ibuprofen on the side table of the bedroom on your side.

And I go like this. Okay. And I'm already like, it better be in there. And it better be easy to find because there's a bunch of shit in there because side tables on bed and the sides of beds always have like the most random shit in it you know you'll have like uh like your nighttime medicine and like a book and also like a half eaten yogurt you know and um and a dead cat and so I went to look in there, and there were nail clippers,

there were books, and there were a lot of things that would be in there, and the things that I did not see were ibuprofen. But I did see Tic Tacs, so I thought, you know what? It's not easy to find. She asked me to do it. Guess I'm the butler now, but guess what kind of butler I am? I'm the butler with jokes, right? I'm the butler who's going to be the butler that's also? I'm the butler with jokes. Right? I'm the butler who's

going to be the butler that's also got a little bit, he's got like a sly sense of humor. And I'm the prank butler. So I took the Tic Tacs and I couldn't fucking wait to give them to her, dude, and tell her it was ibuprofen. And I couldn't wait and I even filled up water for her. I made it extra nice

because your boy was a jokester. He's a butler, but he's a jokester. So I brought the Tic Tacs over to her and she was on the couch and I was standing up and I handed them to her and I couldn't wait, you know, and I go, here's the water. And I handed it to her and she goes, she looks at the Tic Tacs. Dude, it couldn't have been funnier. She looked at the Tic Tacs and then she stayed looking at it for a while. And I'm like, my tummy's moving. I'm like trying not to laugh. And then she just looks up at me and she goes like this and nothing could be funnier. And I started fucking howling. And she says, why did you give me tic-tacs? And that was it, dude. The day was over.

There are other things that happened beyond that in the day. But that was when the day ended. Because you can't get better than that, dude. And we have fun, dude. We're together and we have fun and we do silly things. That's the kind of silly relationship that we're in. And then I said, well, it wasn't easy. She said, well, what the fuck?

Were you just going to let me take Tic Tacs? And I was like, well, it wasn't an issue, what the fuck, were you just gonna let me take take Tic Tacs, and I was like, well, yeah, and then I was probably gonna tell you later, you know, imagine people just swallowing Tic Tacs and not chewing them, dude, like, just, how much would a foreigner do that, thinking that it's like, oh, you just swallow these, and they, remember Breath of Shore, do you guys remember Breath of Shore? I remember Breath of Shore. I thought that was the shit, man. You would just put Breath of Shore in your mouth and then drink it. And then it went out of business or something.

It's not around anymore. But you'd put it in your mouth and then you'd drink the water. And then it would go in your mouth and it would like sprout a fucking nice smelling forest in your belly. And whenever you burped, it would smell like parsley. And it was just awesome. You'd be at a party just fucking burping from the Taco Bell you ate in high school and people would be like,

what the fuck is, did somebody grow moss? Dude, it was the shit. You're like, what the fuck does it smell like a goddamn rainforest in here for? And you're like, sorry I had Taco Bell. Breathassure. And then I was like, you know what? I don't like chewing gum, so I'm just going to get so many breathassures. And then I was like, you know what?

I don't like chewing gum, so I'm just going to get so many Breathassures. And then I went to CVS. They didn't have Breathassures. Then I went to Rite Aid. They didn't have Breathassures. I went to Save on Drug. They didn't have Breathassures. And then that was when I realized that there was no more fucking Breathassures.

If there's Breathassures now, I'm taking them, dude. Can't wait to smell like parsley. Just fucking party smelling like parsley that's when you knew the real shit the fucking sober guy at the party just burping burping up parsley just burping up liquid parsley so gross anyway uh she didn't take the tic tacs and then i was like well i was just gonna see oh i also secretly kind of wanted to see this is shitty but i secretly wanted to see um if she thought her headache was going to be better you know because that's something about her that she'll be like you know i don't even know actually what i'm trying to say here i also actually don't know if maybe if i don't

even talk about this, am I going to, am I in fucking hot water right now? Am I going to get in trouble after this? Is she going to be like, you know what you said in the podcast wasn't cool. Um, but anyway,

whatever. I picked her up from that party and she was super, super high and, uh, and drunk and all that. So, um, what tuna story are you talking about?

When I, what? Oh, this is exactly the point, dude. Dude, I have such a weird fucking thing about people. I always think they're lying and shit. And she all of a sudden was just like, you know what? Sushi makes me have a stomachache. And I was like great great great

great a new thing that you're just gonna fire out there that you just say with no basis because you had sushi probably twice and now you want to be the person who just can't says things like I can't eat sushi because it gives me tummy aches yeah dude fuck yeah we got another one we got another thing to think of and uh and so i'm like all right cool and then of course during the pandemic i would be like man can we get sugar fresh sugar fish and she's just like make memory about my tummy and i was like yeah yeah okay well i'm gonna get sugar fish and she'd be like well then i have to get a separate postmates and i'm like so and she'd be like, well, then I have to get a separate Postmates. And I'm like, so? And she's like, yeah, but I just, then it shows up at different times. And I'm like, so? If you keep saying so to somebody, they realize they're wrong,

even if they're right. Did you know that? That's something that you should know. It's windy out, so? Hair all in your face? Yeah. Well, no, I'm just saying. So what?

Yeah, no, but it, I guess the wind is fucking, it's crazy today. So? I don't know, maybe it's not windy. That's how that conversation would go. And so, so, so, so,

she, I'm like, all right, fucking, I gotta, I gotta not get fucking sugar fish now. I gotta feel bad when I'm eating, all right, fucking, I got to not get fucking sugarfish now. I got to feel bad when I'm eating it, dude. That nice buttery salmon. I'm taking pieces of buttery salmon and I'm just fucking inserting them into my mouth and having them dance around my fucking tongue. And the flavor is spectacular.

What am I, Mexican? The flavor is spectacular. And the flavor is spectacular. What am I, Mexican? The flavor is spectacular. And the flavor is fucking spectacular, dude. You throw that fucking, that butter soft fucking salmon from sugarfish into your mouth and it just dances around. It's having a party. It's going from fucking member of the opposite sex to member of the opposite sex just trying to fucking get laid right in your mouth, dude. That's what that nice buttery salmon from sugarfish is trying to do in your mouth before you fucking swallow it whole. Right?

And so we got, so now I can't get it. And I'm like, well, let's just, you know. And so then a lot of times I wasn't getting it. And then sometimes I would still get it. And she would order from something else. And they would come sometimes at the same time two uber eats guys would show up and just they'd be like they show up at the same time they'd be like hey what the well i guess we're friends now for the rest of our lives and so um are you uber or are you post making postmates oh

i'm uber oh hey how's it going just fall falling in love oh that's funny wow god it's crazy huh so where are you uh where are you uh they're both getting their kias and just fucking room out. And so, you know, we had couples therapy once. And she was like, why is it so, you know, I think we're talking about how I'm selfish. And I was like, how come I can't just get sugar fish when I want to get sugar fish and shit? And then it came out that I was like, I think that she's not really being serious about the stummy stuff. I think she's actually like lying. You know what I mean?

And the therapist said, you think she's lying about having a stomach ache? And that was when I realized I was an insane person. So there we go, dude. We live and we learn we live and we learn now is it my mom's fault because of when i was a kid she would say stuff like that i don't know i'm not saying yes and i'm not saying no i hope she doesn't see this podcast but um yeah dude i don't know. But, you know, who knows what it's for. But then I was like, fuck, why the fuck would she lie about that? Because I get in my head that people want to be things so badly. Like they latch on to things that they want because they...

It's like the thing I made fun of on tiktok that people are fucking just being so mad at me about about the the the stand-up i did with the with the working out how you're not inspiring anybody when they're and someone commented like working out is not a personality and it's like that's how i feel like people are with stuff and it goes right down to I feel like people are with stuff and it goes right down to um hey sushi gives me a stomach ache I'm like you're just trying to fucking have a personality not on my watch what a fucking lightning rod of a piece of shit I am and uh like one time when I was, this is, I think this is when it started. Dude, if I had to fucking

think about a time when it started, when I started to think that people were blowing shit out of proportion, because everybody's a conspiracy theorist in their own head. Even if you don't talk about it, if you eat sushi and you get a tummy ache, you're like,

that's from the sushi. I can't eat that sushi anymore. When that's, it's not necessarily true. Right. But I am not saying that she was lying because she obviously was getting a, a, a fucking sushi for getting a stomach ache, right. Every time. So, but what I am saying is I remember the inception of the moment that I started thinking everybody was lying and it was Columbine and I will explain okay before you fucking cancel me again for bringing this up it was Columbine uh Columbine happened it was 1990 whatever it was and my and we were learning about it on the kitchen tv we had a kitchen tv when I was in high school and it was one of those tvs that was this big and the image was this big right so it looked like a fucking toaster that you couldn't

even put a full piece of bread in. And they will go like live coming from live coming from coming from Colorado. Was that's what was right Columbine is in Colorado. Live coming from Colorado. There's children shooting inside and my mom was holding a notebook because she was doing something with a notebook and we both saw the TV

and we both looked at the stuff, the news, and it was bad, right? Really bad. And my mom dropped the notebook in shock

and I don't think the moment, like here I am, she drops the notebook. I'm like, who is she? Fucking Kaiser Soze at the end of the movie just dropping the fucking coffee cup. Chaz Palminteri dropping the coffee cup

just like, like that doesn't happen in real life. It's cinematic. And so she drops her notebook and I think the most, I don't think that would have been the inception except for the fact that the notebook hit my foot and I wasn't wearing shoes and it didn't hurt a little bit. It hurt so much because like the end of the notebook bonked on my foot and I go, God, I go, fucking mom, you dropped the fucking notebook, right?

And she was like, oh, shut the fuck up. And she walks over to the TV and i'm just like dude she didn't need to drop the notebook she did that for her this is how fucked up i already was a 16 16 year old she did that for her she did that because she thinks life's a movie like i made this is what i was thinking and i always thought people thought that they were the leads in their own movies and shit and that's why i made that stand up in man on fire about how like everybody thinks they're denzel and then i realized who gives a shit who cares about that who really honestly gives a shit about that that much if somebody thinks they're in a fucking movie and they want to be denzel washington walking

in to make it a deposit because of their fucking uh pay paycheck from tenderender Greens? Who gives a fuck? It was adding so much fucking stress to my life and shittiness. And why the fuck would I not trust somebody because they have a stomachache from fucking sushi? So now we're better people? Fucking absolutely yes! Fucking Renner, take me out. Still, why did my mom drop the note?

You know what I mean? But he's still got a little bit of, he's still got a little bit of it in himself because it kind of makes him him. Yeah, dude. Keep the good parts. Dispose of the bad parts. That goes from when you're cooking chicken to working on yourself

oh man so i don't even really know i didn't mean to talk about this but that's but the tic-tac-sting was funny um i should have named my kid blaze blaze d'alia it's blaze and the monster machine it's's Blaze and the Monster Machine. Ba-la-da-loo-doo-dee-doo-doo-dee-doo-doo-doo. Blaze and the Monster Machines. My kid watches that, and Kristen always knows all the words immediately to all the theme songs. I'm like, how do you do that? She's like, I just listen, and that's when I feel like a piece of shit.

It's Blaze and the Monster Machines. It's Blaze and the fucking Monster Machines. Every day we blaze in the monster machines it's blaze in the fucking monster machines every day we blaze in the monster machines every day we blaze talking about weed um it's coke and the monster machines it's cocaine and the monster machines i fucking don't like when they put those secret shit in the children's shows like remember when the little mermaid fucking guy came out of the water need a boner didn't like it keep keep that shit fucking disney dude look for new value programs when you shop at loblaws like hit of the month so you get the best deals and low prices on amazing products every month. And did you know? PC Optimum members save more.

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See in-store for details. It's plays and the monster machine leans. We take liberties. Dude, whenever anyone sings and they do a few extra notes, I say, oh, taking liberties. And one time I left the house and I had to come back in to get my keys. And Kristen was singing a song and a holy motherfucking shit. She was taking so many liberties, dude. And I said, taking liberties.

And she said, oh, I thought you left already. Dude, and we have fun in our relationship, man. I said, dude, fucking taking liberties. Dude, she was doing shit like, you know what she was doing? She was doing a, oh, dude, we got to find this video. Pull up that video of the girl singing

Be Humble. You know what I'm talking about be humble you know what i'm talking about do you know what i'm talking about oh my god if we can find this we might have to cut and find this but this is unbelievable hold on singing be humble this is how this is what the kind of shit she was doing dude let me see if i can find this here it it is. We got it. Whoa. Johnny fucking fast finds. Johnny fast finds. Add it again. Johnny quick fingers. Add it again, dude. And it's the top thing that came up because he fucking absolutely went from Johnny quick fingers transformed into Johnny fast finds and fucking pulled. He knows what to type in Google. Johnny knows what to types it in. Unbelievable, dude. Whoa, he found it.

Fuck yeah, dude. Expose the bicep because he deserves it. Fuck yeah. He deserves to show off a little bit because he's Johnny. Finds it quick. Fuck yeah, dude. How could you listen to NPR when there's this? This is the kind of, this is the most So Taken Liberty ass song singing that I could ever find. And we are going to play it and if YouTube demonetizes us for this, I don't care.

I will make zero money on this episode because you motherfuckers need to see this shit. But guess what? I can easily cut this part out if they do demonetize it. You'll never hear me say that. So here we go. Here's what it is, dude. Screaming. It's so bad.

It doesn't matter if it's good. Do you know what I'm talking about? She's in her fucking car, pulled over, and playing it on her fucking hooked in without the Bluetooth. It's hooked in, you know? That's how you really know you're fucked up in life. She fucking hooked it in. My left stroke just went viral. Dude, I'm taking so many liberties.

Pop the trunk. What's in there? Ugh. That ugh was hiding in the trunk for three miles. My left stroke just went viral. Unbelievable, dude, to have that many fucking taking liberties. My left stroke just went viral. Let's listen to a little bit more.

That's unreal, dude. She thought she killed it. She kind of did kill it, but it doesn't matter. Oh, I forgot the banger part. I forgot the banger. The window just in the background. Oh, screaming. Getting murdered.

Opera. Opera. Opera, dude. Why is she doing the volume control? It's like the fucking Austin Powers shit. Can you hear the sound of my voice? Or whatever it is. It's such a dork that I did that.

Let's go to the comments. Let's go to the... Somebody said, when you sing in 23 different fonts. Oh, this guy also was Johnny fucking... finds it quick because he said, I just looked up that girl singing Humble. I can't believe that it's fucking... It's three years old, okay.

Unbelievable. Rory Lee. Shout out to Rory Lee singing Humble. Well, I've stroked just one more roll. like if the fucking cranberry sang kendrick lamar or that one that goes who's that what's that song that goes oh that is cranberries oh we fucking didn't know he's got a tumor he's working on a tumor folks Fuck yeah dude The song that Krista was singing

Was absolutely The best one she could be singing She was singing take me out to the ball game I remember now and that's unbelievable To take liberties in a fucking Song you sing in the 7th inning stretch Oh She was like take me out to the ball game.

Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. And when I walked in, she was doing the, I don't care if I ever get back. She did the run. She did like a long run. If I ever get back, dude. And I went, taking liberties, dude. Caught her.

Caught her. Caught her. Caught her. Fucking caught her, dude. You know what I mean? Caught her doing that. She caught me cheating. It's even. We're even.

I caught her fucking singing Take Me Out to the Ballgame and taking liberties while doing so, and she caught me cheating. Great. Fair is fair. I caught her singing Take Me Out to the Ballgame

in a fucking operatic manner, and she caught me cheating. Guess we're even. Even Steven. My left strong just went viral so bad i killed it um so anyway dude that was the most to take in liberty ass song uh and that's that you know what i'm done with my neighborhood that's what I'm done with I'm done with my neighborhood I go out sometimes I work out outside sometimes I take a little bit of a walk I go with

Calvin or whatever the fuck we go as a family we walk down the street there's always like a fucking one lady that's just listening to music as she's walking she doesn't have headphones in she uses the fucking phone and and it's just like blaring out which is fine but like smile when you see somebody you smile she doesn't give a fuck dude these people don't care there's one good there's a cool dude he's a famous dude and he lives uh uh down the way and uh whenever i see him he just had a kid whenever i see him we're like this you know what i mean i do it cool he's much cooler than me and i just do it i do it like i try to do it like i know i'm not that cool but i i'm gonna do like what's up and he'll be like what's

up and i'm just like and then i feel really good um so there's that guy but there's just like you know other dude it's like i i feel like i live like it's like every time go out, it's like the beginning of a fucking horror movie is what it's like. I'll walk out and then somebody will drive by and they'll just drive by and they'll do that fucking drive by where they're just driving by and they're just like. And you're just like, is that a ghost? Do you know what I mean? And it's just some lady that looks like rich as shit and she just lives nine houses down. And you never, and their lights are never on and you're just like, what's going on, dude?

People walk by, just watch you. You'll walk by and they'll just stop walking and just stare at you. Just say hi. If I smile, you smile. I smile. I'm great. I spilled water.

Fucking woohoo. Yes, it's wet. It's wet as fuck. It's wet everywhere. Yes, dude. We didhoo. Yes. It's wet. It's wet as fuck. It's wet everywhere. Yes, dude. We did it. And we keep moving. And we keep moving.

And we keep moving. And the neighborhood discussion, was it even worth it? I don't know. Will I keep this or will I cut it out? Who knows? But we did it. And we moved through it. And with hard work and dedication, you can fucking do it.

And you can even do it while you're wet. And I'm soaked, dude. You can fucking do it. And you can even do it while you're wet. And I'm soaked, dude. Me, I'm all. Oh, I'm fucking soaked. If it was the old me, I'd take my fucking shirt off and do the rest of the podcast.

But we keeps it nice. We keeps it nice now. We watched this fucking 2020, dude. We're on a 2020 binge dude wow i could ring it out we're on a 2020 binge and we fucking watched this thing paulo oh fucking what let me look it up because i can't remember his last name it was like mancini or some shit. Paolo 2020. I can get it. I got it. 2020 Paolo Maclarini. I mean, made up.

Paolo Maclarini. This dude, we watched this 2020 on it. And 2020 kills it. You know what I mean? It was a regular day in 2008, and you're like, it was, wasn't it? And you're just settling in. You got your meal, or your

popcorn. Rebecca somebody, met Paulo, went in for surgery. It was a normal day, blah blah, and you're like, it was normal, wasn't it? She was in for surgery. It was a normal day, blah, blah. And you're like, it was normal, wasn't it? She was just getting surgery. But it wasn't normal for long.

And you're like, you're right. I could tell. You know, I could tell, guy. I could tell, voiceover guy. This woman fucking met, I can't believe, you should watch it, I guess, but I, you know, or I'll just tell you it, but this guy, Paolo Macchiarini was in a, was a guy who was a surgeon and he was like a world-class surgeon. And he made a trachea for people who, whose trachea for people whose trachea was fucked up.

Now, I'm very medical, so that's why I'm talking about it like this. But if you had a broken-ass trachea, he made tracheas and would take your broken-ass trachea out and just slide in a new one, and then you'd just pop up and be like, let's play baseball, or let me eat a fucking something. You know what I mean?

Let me breathe regular and eat full meals. So this guy was this rock star surgeon and he would just replace your trachea, dude, just like it was nothing. Like it was literally like watching fucking Dennis the Menace. That's how he did it. He was just like, oh, yeah. Some people watch Dennis the Menace and some people replace tracheas. He was just like, oh, yeah. Some people watch Dennis the Menace

and some people replace Dracius. But he was a rock star and he looked cool. They described him on 2020 like how he was a little bit like George Clooney, even though he wasn't. Sometimes they get a little bit confident with their shit. He was just like George Clooney. And you look at him and he's just like.

But he was handsome and he was the shit. He had a lot of money. And they were doing a documentary on him. I think the lady worked for ABC or whatever. And they were doing the, the, the rockstar life of this Paolo Macchiarini. And,

and she fucking fell in love with him because he's such a fucking dope dude he's like i replaced trach it's like i mean like for real man if you met a guy at a party and you were like hey what's up and he's like hey what's up what do you do she's like i just you know i'm i fucking anything i bag groceries to oh i'm a fucking news correspondent, or, oh, I'm a doctor. Even if she's like, I'm a doctor. And then this guy's like, that's cute. What do you do? I replace tracheas.

Immediately, it's just, oh, I had no, I, okay. Would you like a drink? And then you buy him the drink. You understand? And so she fell in love with him and she was doing the story on him. And that's a no-no. If you don't know anything about the journalist world, which I do, it's a no-no. You don't fall in love with the subject of your fucking thing.

Right? So, but she did because the guy was so, was just that dope wasn't he and so um she said fuck it i quit i want they they fell in love he asked her to marry him and he said that there was going to be a wedding and he's like listen i gotta tell you something i have a really high profile uh clientele they pay extra money and there's like this whole it's like this whole society and i i i work on them and these people include barack obama the pope uh he said these people include barack obama the pope uh the clons, and also Russell Crowe. That was the fourth one, which already, he's like the politicians and Russell Crowe. And I'm like, hell yeah, dude. And I'm thinking,

does Russell Crowe have one of these tracheas in him? So he said, okay, I got a meeting with the Pope. And she was like, wow, amazing. And he comes back after the meeting and he says, I got to tell you something. The Pope's going to marry us. And she goes, what? Now here I am. Now I know I'm watching the 2020 and obviously they're showing this because this motherfucker is an insane person. And either, either he's lying or at the end, he kills a bunch of people. That's the only thing what happens in the 2020s is either he kills a bunch of people or he up the only thing what happens in the 2020s. Is either he kills a bunch of people or he lied the whole time and it wasn't who you thought he was. And sometimes it's both. Okay? So she's like, I'm sorry, the Pope is going to marry us?

Does he even do that? And he's like, no. But he's going to do it for us. She's like, what? So he tells the friends. And the friends are like what well i guess it makes sense if he replaces tracheas and he's a rock star they fucking know and he's worked with the obamas and shit so he says yeah our wedding is in spain great our um our wedding is in spain and it's in whatever may. You're getting ready.

Everyone buys the tickets to fucking Spain. They all spend so much. 300 people buy non-refundable tickets to Spain. And they buy dresses and fucking the bride's groom's shit and the bridesmaids and all this shit. And two weeks to the wedding, they're going to do it in the church. Two weeks into the wedding, two weeks to the wedding, one of the friends say to this news reporter who fell in love with him, hey, you know how, like, you said the Pope is going to marry you?

I mean, dude, this woman had, like, gay friends, and he was like, I can't believe we're going to get to go to the wedding, and the Pope is going to give us communion. He said, hey, the guy said, hey, you're going to give all your gay friends communion. Back then, the Pope, you know, Catholicism didn't want anything to do with gays. So the gay guys were like crying. They're like, I can't believe it. You know, two weeks before the wedding, the friend calls the fucking news reporter lady.

And he's like, hey, didn't you say they were going to get married? The Pope was going to marry you? He said, yeah. The Pope is scheduled to be in South America in two weeks. And I'm like, yeah, okay okay because he's lying you know and she's like what so she calls him he says no they they fucked it up somebody's trying to go higher than the pope and uh and and and and and they're using it to strong i'm like who the fuck is higher than the pope who is it god is jesus just like hey you gotta be sorry know you got to marry this fucking, this trachea replacer guy, but we got to fucking move you down to South America.

You got to be at South America for some bullshit function. So she's like, she's like, well, that's weird. I'm going to call the hotel just to get, calls the hotel, no record of the hotel, of the marriage, of the fucking wedding parties. Calls the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner and they're like, no record, no record of anything. So she's like, what the fuck? So she decides, fuck it, I'm a reporter.

I'm going to play cool. I'm going to be with the dude. I'm not going to show my cards, but I'm going to find out as much as I can. Hey, what the fuck is going on? Just run, dude. He's a liar. Just run. And it turned out that this guy was falsifying credentials.

He somehow weasels his way in through school, made tracheas. The tracheas turned out to be just fucking for real water bottles that he would fucking thin down and put into your throat and your skin would grow over it. So 15 people fucking died because this guy said he could replace a trachea and it didn't work, dude. So she showed up to his fucking house with the non-refundable ticket at the end of the fucking uh instead of going to the wedding she showed up to his house and he had another fucking family of course because that's how this ends but my question and my main question is hey guy don't you care don't you have stress about all of this

cheating was hard enough cheating is so stressful but you're pretending that you're saving people's lives replacing their tracheas and have not one but two families already? The Barcelona fucking house, he had a family, and that wasn't even his main family, dude. Hey, guy, what were you going to do when everyone showed up for the wedding? If nobody found out the Pope was going to be in South America, what the fuck was your plan? This is the most amazing thing ever. And this is true, dude. This isn't a movie that stars Chris Evans, probably.

You know what I mean? That that's the thing he would take after he fucking shot Captain America. He's like, you know what? I'm tired of these fucking crazy roles. Let me play Paolo Macchiarini, the trachea replacement guy. Still with his fucking, no matter what role Chris Evans ever does, I still want him to have his Captain America fucking shield on his back. That would be fucking hilarious, dude. But dude, that's the kind of fucking sociopathopath if you're going to be a sociopath

that's the kind you have to be all out dude oh oh i don't oh i replaced tracheas you do yeah you know the science oh yeah i know it all you don't! And the people are gonna die! No, they're not. 15 die. It had to do with something else, honestly. They didn't keep up with their medical plan afterwards. Really? Wait, you have one extra family? No, I have two.

I have two. Great, my dogs are barking so much, it's unbelievable. Hopefully we can't hear them in it, but if you can, that's just the way it goes, man. I fucking cannot believe this guy, Paolo Macchiarini. Wow. Why were there so many dogs barking, dude? For so long.

Is it okay, you think? Oh, wow, he says probably, So he definitely knows he's not. Definitely knows it's not. If you're barking... Dude, I hate when my fucking dogs bark, man. When my dogs bark... How about this? How do you feel when your dogs bark?

Do you get angry? I want to know. And I also want to know if you had four dogs and they were all barking, how do you feel? Dude, I get so blood curdling mad. I get BRM. I get fucking blood red mad that's what i get it's chenzo that motherfucker just i'll walk in and i'm like hey it's me and just guess what happened yesterday a fucking snake bit him

okay a snake fucking bit him dude this dog that how about that how about that for comeuppance? The animal kingdom was like, oh, you're going to fucking behead a fucking pigeon and eat two dead lizards? Well, hey, nature kingdom was just like, we got another thing coming. Dude, fucking the nature kingdom, the fucking animal kingdom. Wrong kingdom, fuckface. Yeah, dude. So he got bit by a snake. I was watching the fucking 2020 and I reached back. Chen's is always on the top of the pillow, just denting it.

And I'd reach back and I'm just petting him. I'm being like a nice guy, even though we're at our odds. Because he's always fucking barking at me. And I fucking reach back and I'm just petting him. I'm being like a nice guy, even though we're at our odds, because he's always fucking barking at me, and I fucking reach back, and I'm petting him, and all of a sudden he goes, ha, ha, and I'm just like, well, he's a crazy dog, so who knows? He probably has trauma. Somebody who was a fucking tall drink of water and 6'2

and had shoulders that they shot the Lord of the Rings on probably pet him once and then beat the shit out of him, and now I'm, you know, when I do it, he's just like, it's, whew, whew, it flashes back when i do it he's just like it's it flashes back to that and he's just like and i'm like what the fuck what a weird okay maybe he pulled his backer has a ruptured disc or something and i fucking chill for the bet i reach back i pet him again again he makes the same noise so i'm like what the fuck and then later on we're in bed and chances of killing them we're like why is chance not you know what was weird why the fuck is chance not

running around spazzing out when we took the pizza out? I ate pizza. Sorry. It wasn't in my diet. But, uh, why was he not running around? Cause this motherfucker, dude, when we pull out food, this motherfucker runs around, pisses everywhere and just barks, barks. We get Chinese food. He'll take a shit on the table for real. Dude, he'll piss on the plates. My dog will piss on the plates. That's no joke. If we walk out of the room to go to the bathroom, he'll be like this. Oh, you go there? Well, I go here and piss on the plates. Dude, he pisses on the dog food and he pisses on the people food. And I'm not making that up for jokes. He does it. And we're like, he was weird. We took the and he was it was like he was on a sedative that's fucking weird and we looked at him closely and he had a fucking mark on his back and it was

like a puncture wound and we're like jesus christ what happened honestly who knows what this motherfucker this guy could have been out trying to fucking buy a ham sandwich and got shot in a deli he's a crazy fucking dog we're, maybe he tried to get under the gate and just at all costs while the fucking bottom of the gate was just, but he was like, fucking, I could do it. And then realize, okay, fucking, I can't. And then just came back with something that looked like a hatchet wound. And then we're like, wow, that's weird. Okay. Well, whatever. Hopefully he'll be okay. And Kristen's like, great. We got to call the fucking ambulance. And I'm like, what ambulance? She's like, there's one for animals. And I'm like, not doing that.

Let's just throw him off the roof. And she's like, well, we have, you know, she's like, we've had a rough year. What are we going to fucking, what's it going to cost? 40K. You know what I mean? And she's like, and she's like, well, we should do something. Maybe we should take it. And I'm like, I'm so tired.

We got to get up at fucking 830, you know. I'm like, let's just, it's probably going to be okay. And then we look at the fucking around more and an inch away, there's another puncture wound. Great. A snake bit him. Just Chenzo barking, barking, barking, eating lizards, biting heads off of fucking birds. Well, that snake motherfucker came up and he was just like, I heard what you did in Arizona. And then fucking.

Oh, I heard what you did in Arizona. He did a fucking. And I hope it I hope it happened, honestly, because he's cool now. And then Christian was like, well, what, is he going to die? What if it was a fucking viper? I'm just like, what poison is this? It could have been a rattlesnake. He'd be dead already, you know?

He weighs fucking, I mean, he's chonk. He's fucking chonk, dude. He is fucking chonk because he now lives in fucking goddamn Beverly Hills and he used to live in Panorama City. And he just fucking hops up on the table and eats whatever the fuck is there. We'll look away, and we'll look back. It's like, you know that thing when Batman did? In all the Batman movies, we were like, okay, Batman, thanks.

One more Batman, and he's gone? That's Chen's only stealing sweet potato fries. You're just like, what's that? Where the fuck's my whole goddamn three-course meal? And Chen's is in the corner just like. So good. I'm glad he got attacked by a fucking snake. He's fine.

And it wasn't poisonous because he would already been dead. But then we went to bed. We woke up and the puncture wounds were, you know, doing much better. We looked it up on Google. We're like, how long does it take a dog to die when it gets fucking attacked by a rattlesnake? And they were like, half hour. And I was like, well, I pet him like 40 minutes ago. This motherfucker would be in V-fib.

And then it was, Kristen, well, what if it wasn't a snake? You know, it could be a hawk. That's what she said. I get it. Also, maybe it was a zebra. Who knows? what if it wasn't a snake you know it could be a hawk that's what she said like yeah it could also maybe it was a zebra who knows covid um i don't know man my dogs are insane they bark too much and i hate it but i love them i love them because they fucking i didn't realize i didn't you don't realize you

love your dogs until they run away. Every single one of my dogs has run away and they all came back. That's how good they have it. I left the gate open by mistake. They ran away and they fucking came back.

They got outside and they were like, wow, this really sucks. I got a good, we got pillows and shit and always food. Let's go back. They both came back together,

by the way. They both left and then came back together. The next morning, the next fucking morning, I hear at my door, I open it up and they're just like, hey, what's up? We're on vacation. Hey, real world sucks out there. Did you know that? Yeah, I have an idea. What's up? You want

to do the fucking 2020 thing? You want to watch 2020 and we'll just go nuts when you open pizza? Is that what you want to do the fucking 2020 thing you want to watch 2020 and we'll just go nuts when you open pizza is that what you want um but yeah so i had to convince myself when when they were when they were gone that was when i really realized holy shit i fucking love them and i started i was like crying and shit. And I was like, I don't know if I'm ever going to get them back. And I had to convince myself, um, fuck it. They left because they wanted to.

It was their own choice. You know, I know that they're dumb fucking animals and shit. And they don't know wolves are out there. But they left because they wanted to. They did what they wanted. If they get eaten by a coyote, they die doing what they love. It's like the end of Point Break. Keanu Reeves is like,

all right, see you later, Patrick Swayze. He's just like, one more ride, motherfucker. And he goes out there and you never see him again. My dogs were Patrick Swayze and I was Keanu Reeves and it was that dramatic and it was that good of a movie too,

if you had filmed it. Sorry, little kids. I'm going to kill a clown today. What else do I have here to talk about? Oh, this is a video? He hurt himself so bad dude video from this on my discord this is from my patreon sign up for my patreon if you want to send me segment ideas and videos disgusting bird wow change it video from disgusting bird Disgustingbird. Wow. Change it. Video from Disgustingbird. Disc golfer throws 530-foot hole-in-one. Wow.

People would just be good at anything, huh? Yo, 5A. There's no baseball field that's 530 feet. Dude, 530 feet is so far if you walked there you'd get tired and this guy is perfecting the disc golfer throw also two sports hybrided in one is so fucking stupid already and this guy's just murdering the fucking disc golf shit the wind up he takes javelin players in the olympics would be like i gotta take notes from that guy and of course he's wearing shorts here we go let's watch it dude he eats shit it's too fucking hard the centripetal force of it of his turnaround

is too hard that his knees just like i'll meet the ground immediately oh hello ground oh oh no some guy goes oh no Some guy who just some fucking Oh no. What do you think was going to happen? He tried to fucking throw a disc 530 feet. He tried to fucking throw a disc over the green monster.

Let's watch this again just for fucking high hilarity sake. Oh no. His neck even went back a little bit. Throw in the bucket. Look at it go. Throw in little bit. Throw in the bucket. Look at it go. Throw in the bucket. Look at it go in the bucket.

Throw in the bucket. Oh, my. You just aced it. That was an ace. Oh, I haven't seen this video. I have a feeling it's about to get a lot better. The guy comes out already with his hand like this, wants to give a high five. That was an ace.

And he's got a windbreaker on and a straw hat. Guy, that's the disc golf of outfits. But pick a style. Boom. That just went in the bucket. Wow, the most New York guy ever. Hey, get out of here. Is this guy in Greece?

Hey, get out of here. Oh, come on. That's a story. What happened? That just went in the bucket. Are you all right? No, it didn't. Get out of here. That just went in the bucket. Are you all right? No, I didn't. Get out of here.

Get out of here. Are you all right? No, I didn't. Yes, you did. Dude, that was ridiculous. Come on, that's it. I banged my knee like super hard on that throw. I threw it.

Oh, my God, dude. No sh... I banged my knee, like, super hard on that throw. I throw it. Right leg slipped out from under me. Left knee actually banged hard on the ground. Dude, he's in so much pain. The right foot came out from under me.

Left knee banged hard on the ground. Like, it's like fucking... it's like an after game so how do you feel oh well okay so i don't know if you saw on the if they play the highlight but um the centripetal force of it gets 530 feet is the only one and of course i'm proud of it i banged my knee i don't know if you saw but um my right foot came out from under me, and I banged my knee pretty hard. But I hit the gap, and we just saw. As I was laying on the ground, I saw it hook up, and I'm pretty sure it hit the cage and scooped right in. Why is he out of breath?

He threw one frisbee. He looks fit. The fuck is this guy i love wow dude i mean if this guy isn't this guy looks so much like my friend when i was growing up in new jersey so crazy yeah that is crazy the baby d2 i might have to retire this thing unreal I hit my knee pretty hard. Wow, dude. Professional disc golfer Kevin Jones threw an incredible ace during a fun practice round in advance of the upcoming MVP Open at Maple Hill in Leicester, Massachusetts.

There I did your job for you. Oh, I guess that was a comment but this was the i don't know dude this is from the guardian like you ever you play frisbee you do that you ever play frisbee? You do that? You ever play frisbee? You get like one good throw every five throws. You're like, alright, fuck it. You do it ten times. It's spinning too hard to the right, the wind. I don't even feel wind. Fuck this.

And then you always got that jackass that does it like that. Just do it like this, dude. We're not like you're the Ken Griffey Jr. of disc catching it in between their legs. It's nothing, dude. Guy's always fat.

Who does it? He's got a polo on. He's got a polo on and it's too small and the belly's coming out and he's got shorts on and fucking flip-flops. And when he does it in between his legs, flip-flop always fucking flops off, and you get pissed off. And his name's Kent. Disc golf. Like it's the fucking,

like it's a movie from Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Can't believe I sang fucking Taylor Eggs and Ham. Fuck. can't believe I sang fucking Taylor Eggs and Ham fuck I guess that could be it oh we're at 109 okay yeah I guess that's it we had a good time and by we I mean me Oh, we're at 109? Okay, yeah. I guess that's it. We had a good time. And by we, I mean me.

My, uh... That's it. I gave my kid the moose toy again in bed. We'll see if he throws it out. Stay tuned for that fucking hot ticket update. But yeah, that's it. And I don't have much more to say. Fuck that guy through the frisbee. That was funny as shit. Well, guys, that is

the episode for YouTube. Thank you for listening. If you want to listen to the extended uncut version of this episode, you can on my Patreon, and you can do that by going to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And if you sign up on the Patreon, you can on my Patreon, and you can do that by going to patreon.com slash chris d'Elia. And if you sign

up on the Patreon, you can get a bunch of extra bonus contents, behind-the-scenes shit, and then also an extra episode every month. So thanks for listening either way. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations motherfucking Bob!

You scared the fuck out of me! I'm gonna fuck this motherfucker right in the motherfucking mouth! I'm gonna fuck this motherfucker right in the motherfucking mouth! I'm gonna fuck this motherfucker right in the motherfucking mouth! Okay, ready? Here we go. What's up, baby? This is the...